#it's so unreal ive literally never even processed that it's in my life. probably never will. but so ive kept it as safe as i possibly can

[kirbyddd]

guess whos about to find themselves steward of a half century of irreplacable hardware🫣

half of it was literally mine anyways and i left it in the hoarder pile where i knew it could remain untouched for years til i escaped to a stable living situation where it could be set up safely.

thats... still not happening anytime soon, and may never. but the pile's gotten so much more extreme and filthy it's being actively destroyed where it is now so i gotta emergency airlift it to the less dangerous situation. scary stuff either way

[mycptsdrecovery]

TW for abuse, mental health crisis, unreality, mental hospital mention

hi im a 19 year old and still living with my parents. ive been trying to move out since august and i planned to move out by december. in late december i was not having much luck with housing and i started having memories of not so great things my parents did to me throughout the years play in my head. i rly have no idea how to explain this confusing clusterfuck of a situation in just a tumblr ask but basically i want to know if the things my parents did count as sexual abuse.

from a young age my parents didnt respect my boundaries. my parents often touched my butt (it sounds so stupid calling it that idk what else to put) in seemingly nonsexual or accidental ways, but they didnt stop as i grew older. i remember the first time that i realised i was being sexually abused (thats how i thought about it at the time, idk). i dont remember what my dad did specifically but i was 8 years old-ish, i started puberty around then because my body hates me. it was probably to do with my butt/waist/ things and my dad touching them. we were about to go in a shuttle to the airport, it was like 2am. i remember i stayed silent through whatever happened but at some point during or after i remember bursting into tears and like... thinking to myself that my dad is sexually abusing me (i dont remember where i learnt what that is) and my dad asking me what was wrong but i refused to talk because i was scared. moments like these where my dad touched me in a way that didnt feel normal and i burst into tears happened multiple times. ive felt very uncomfortable around my dad for most of my life at this point. hes the kind of dad who doesnt talk about anything hes thinking or feeling, doesnt talk much at all or have many friends. we have rarely had conversations past surface level talk thats appropriate for strangers or acquaintances so i have never known whats in his head and whenever ive tried to get him to talk with me about something serious he shuts down and leaves. hes very neglectful emotionally, though he used to sometimes fulfil his emotional duties as a parent when i was a very young child according to my mum but he stopped at some point. for a really long time ive been afraid that my dad was sexualising me in his head or sexually attracted to me. ive grown up having nightmares about my parents raping me.

here are some of the things i remember my parents doing. some memories are not easily accessable and some have not been processed as an adult.

TW

-both my parent regularly touched my butt in a variety of contexts. i never confronted my dad about it because i knew he wouldnt answer me. i have learned to only hug my parents in a specific way so that my arm is always under their arms so i can stop them from putting their hands too low.

-my dad used to put his hand on my waist and hips/lower back. he was basically doing the kind of casual touch that you would do with someone ur in a sexual relationship with. he doesnt anymore because i have stopped allowing him to spend much time with me.

-my parents, mostly my mum have touched my breasts very lightly and casually. it could be seen as accidental but my mum has never responded to my frequent requests to stop touching me like this.

-my mum showed me her vagina once as... sex ed? i have no idea if this is normal which is kinda how i feel about most of the ?sexually? themed things my parents have done.

-my mum has always commented on my body in ways that made me very uncomfortable, such as often commenting on how i would be sexually harassed because of the outfit im wearing, even the necklace im wearing.

-my mum gave me several moderately detailed accounts of sexual assaults that hve happened to her, like for instance when i was around 6-9? she used a story of a sexual assault that happened to her while in a pool to say that i be afraid in public pools. the amount of detail was very unnecessary.

-one time my mum was telling me about how boys pinch girls buttcheeks to tell them they think theyre 'sexy'. then she pinched my buttcheeks a bunch of times even though i didnt want her to. im sure she did this many times and i was literally like 5 years old or something.

-my mum talked to my sister while i was in earshot about... how she would be ok with it if i married my 1st cousin? and she named him specifically. it made me feel rly weird around him.

-again my dad has always just given me huge predator vibes and ive always been super afraid of him.

this list is definitely incomplete but i dont remember anything penetrative or to do with anyone touching my genitals.

i tried to tell someone about the "sexual abuse" twice when i was 13, both during mental ward stays about 9 or 10 months apart. the first time is completely blacked out from my memory and the second one... they told the police. my dad was questioned and nothing happened because i never wanted anyone except the nurse who i told to know and refused to tell anyone any details. i just wanted to get a weight off my shoulders. instead i got a 3 or so year long period of my mum emotionally abusing me to a degree she never had. i was almost completely convinced that i had never been sexually abused. i still dont know if its true or not. the specific term my mum used was that i "mis-interpreted" my parents actions as sexual abuse. i didnt push back, i was too terrified of her and i just dissociated to cope with those years. i was very very isolated from anyone except my mum. i wanted desperately to be a young child again and felt like one most of the time. before 6 years old was the only period where i felt like my parents actually liked me.

when i was around 15 i started sexually getting involved with older men online. i wasnt attracted to them, i didntdesire them, i just was so traumatised from... whatevrr u want to call the way my parents treated me but i didnt feel that i had the right to be. i felt like i needed to get some "real" trauma and i dont want to say what i did but im lucky that none of these men ended up meeting up with me irl at least. the fucked up thing is that though it did traumatise me, i kind of felt better because i wanted something i could feel justified in being upset about.

now im 19 and my brain is hitting me with all these memories. i havent felt safe with my parents for most of my life. theyre neglectful and emotionally abusive towards me. they abused all my other siblings physically quite a lot and two of them have moved to different countries so that they can not live in the same place they grew up in. 2 out of 3 of my siblings have completely cut ties with my parents for years now. when i was 11 i recoeved an email from my brother telling me about our parents not being safe people.

ive started to consider the possibility of the constant violation of my boundaries counting as sexual abuse. i have a lot of sexual trauma symptoms and i have for a very long time. i grew up afraid that my dad was going to rape me. i think i was abused by my mum into associating holding my parents accountable with the punishment she put me through after she found out i reported them. i just want to know if im allowed to be upset about this. im terrified that this is normal, because if its normal that means i was a gross freak as a kid who just "mis-interpreted" these actions to be sexual abuse. i need to make sense of my reality somehow. im so confused.

you absolutely have the right to be upset by this. what they did to you was not okay. an adult touching a child intentionally in inappropriate areas is molestation, even if they played it off as not a big deal. many of the things you mentioned also sound like grooming which is often a part of childhood sexual abuse. i’m so sorry these things happened to you. i hope you are safe and can find a way to not be around your parents.

[cardhouseandthecage]

I actually am wondering about the Star recruitment process, Denizen-Star communication, and the interface between our reality and Faerie with regard to all this. Like if you or I was to get sucked into the Star process, what would it be like in terms of ordinary logistics? How would they first reach out to us? What if we tried something like getting other people involved who legit believed in all this but the Cardhouse really didn't want them involved? Apologies if this can't really be answered!

an EXCELLENT QUESTION, friend, and incidentally a subject of ongoing investigation on my part. THE subject of ongoing investigation. My whole life. Which is to say: I can’t give you a complete answer—I can’t even necessarily give you a correct answer—but you have absolutely come to the right place. You wont get any kind of answer anywhere else. Here’s what I’ve pieced together from my research, thus far:I. The first thing you need to know about Stars is that they don’t actually believe in fairies. Not Literally. Not necessarily. 

You are familiar, I assume, with the Moment of Magical Proof™? You’ll find it with most stories that begin in the mundane. Our protagonist might want to believe in magic, but they can’t—magic is fake and everyone knows it��so they’ll rationalize for as long as they can. Then something happens. Magic intrudes upon their lived experience in a way they can no longer deny. YER A WIZARD, HARRY. Magic is real, and will continue to be real for the duration of the narrative.

That moment never happens.

There is no first contact for a Star, no revelation, no paradigm shift: it’s only ever a slow fade. And that little voice of in the back of their heads, the one that knows none of this could ever be real? It never goes away. That’s important. It’s part of what splits them—and without a split there is no harvest.

The Cardmaster settled upon this business model for a reason. Certainly he could present the Cardhouse more literally, but he’d be working against dominant trends: most people don’t believe in fairies literally, and our beliefs govern the channels through which fairies can contact us. So if you don’t really believe that some fairy bitch could pup up in your window and approach you with the deal of a lifetime, they’re going to have a really difficult time making that happen.* It’s much more cost-effective to build on a pre-existing system of belief than to overturn it. 

II. But what’s all this nonsense about the power of belief, HQ? Are you really going to sit there behind your screen and tell me that you subscribe to Magical Thinking? Who exactly is funding this study???

AHAHAHAHAHA NO ONE, naturally, but also: no. No, of course not! I may not be funded but I take myself very seriously here: I’m not arguing that our beliefs can change reality directly. Antoine was absolutely right about the tree root: that’s a thing in the physical universe and it’s going to go on existing regardless of what we think about it—outside of what we think of it. Oxygen doesn’t care about my feelings! There’s a side of things won’t budge, no matter what I believe (I know this; I’ve tried). Even if I clapped my hands and dreamed with every fibre of my being, it wouldn’t wouldn’t make a fairy into something I could bring into a lab and prove.

But my belief would change something. It would change the Faerie-Reality interface. If I believed fairies were real, they’d be real to me. It would change how they exist in the extra-dimensional space in my head. And that space in my head—in all of our heads—that’s the dimension of things that connects up with Faerie. That’s what empties into Faerie, perpetually, without our volition or consent. I’m fooling myself if I think I’m in control of that space just because my thoughts effect it: I didn’t choose most of my beliefs any more than I chose my body. There’s a whole world of thought that I inherited, and correspondingly a whole landscape of Faerie that’s built up in connection to Reality over time. By this mechanism, then, our beliefs can alter reality: indirectly. Reality generates Faerie, but Faerie is incessantly fucking with us in return, and the ways in which it fucks with us influence the actions we take in Reality. III. Any agency behind such fuckery I term “a fairy.” 

Fairies “live” in the backworld (they’re made of the same stuff it is) and can manipulate the residue that accumulates there: they’re not real by any means, but they do exist. It is worth noting that fairies, by this definition, don’t give a damn whether we believe in them. This may first strike you as counter-intuitive: if they’re made of our thoughts, then surely our belief means a great deal to them? To which I answer: yes, it does. Absolutely. Just not in the way that you’d think. I’m guessing you’ve probably encountered some version theory of belief-dependancy and the Decline of the Mythical? It’s related to a lot of things (many of which are true, see: placebo effect), but generally it asserts that the vitality of imaginary beings has diminished in direct proportion to our diminishing “belief” in them, and consequently there has been a great falling off in the power of gods and fairies and the like as we have entered the modern era. My findings suggest the otherwise. I say we still believe in plenty of “unreal” things, and as strongly as ever we did. Even our science feeds into the Faerie: it’s made of our thought! We use science to describe reality, but it itself is not fully “real.” Besides which, it’s not as if fairies are limited to drawing upon our literal beliefs. We don’t generally think of fiction as real, and yet it shapes us. And a desire can be every bit as potent as a belief. Fairies don’t care whether we believe in them: all they require is that we want to. They’ll play our beliefs against our desires and catch us between them, bring us to our knees before the impossible; we’ll yield our sacrifice readily enough, god or no god.  All they require is that we dream. 

So no, I don’t think we’ve impoverished fairies at all by sorting fact from fiction as we have. I think we’ve blinded ourselves to their power, locked the door and thrown away the key only to have them catch it. I think we’ve given them everything. I think we’ve spoiled them.

IV. But I digress. You asked me about the logistics of Star recruitment and Denizen-Star communication. 

It starts, traditionally enough, with a fairy ring.

Not a literal ring, generally (that’s very retro), but the there are certain channels of interface—certain ‘meta-forums’—that the Cardhouse keeps open as traps for potential candidates. For a while now, the internet has been the best “place” to set up such a forum, so they frequently overlay or branch off from real online sites. But they could be anywhere. Any work of fiction can easily serve as a jumping off point (provided it’s fantastical enough), or else game of make-believe, or even a good old-fashioned glade or a shopping centre or an abandoned house. If you’re intrepid enough you might find your way to to one through pure whimsy: it’s only a matter of stumbling into the right headspace.

Unfortunately, there’s no clear indicator for when such a stumbling has transpired. The meta-forums interface so seamlessly with what we think of as plausible that we don’t recognise them when we see them and we can’t tell once we’re in.** You can’t necessarily tell when someone else is in one either. It just looks like preoccupation—an obliviousness to the “real world.” But it also looks perfectly realistic, especially from the standpoint of the Star. Because fiction exists, and games exist, and there are all kinds of things you can get obsessed with on the internet and none of them especially challenge the laws of physics. They way you engage with the meta-forum doesn’t look different from how you’d engage with any other imaginary thing. Generally, it starts out as a game or an RP or a kind of choose-your-own-adventure story through which you get to know the characters and the basic setup. That setup presents itself very differently depending on what you’re into, but you’re usually given to understand that the Cardhouse produces very special magical items, and that you can help the Cardmaster gather ingredients for these items by undertaking quests or solving puzzles or making certain offerings or blending the perfect tea or getting your two favourite denizens to make kiss or doing whatever it is you’re doing that is “playing the game”. One denizen in particular serves as your primary contact and guide. You might also be given to understand that Cardhouse products are all a part of the ongoing effort to Fight The Encroaching Darkness. It’s a very all-consuming obsession, and while you’re immersed in you often ‘forget’ it isn’t real, but never in a way that raises any suspicion. For the most part, you know it’s just a game. And for some people that’s all it ever is, and they move on.

If you are destined to become a Star, however, at some point the game will change. One day, your denizen approaches you in great distress: the threat of the Encroaching Darkness, they say, is much worse than they had previously let on. The game might end, as if it had never been! You may well never see us again, in which case… farewell in advance! It will be a very moving performance, and naturally you, the potential Star, will be deeply upset by this news. If you’re right for the job you will offer up your assistance on the spot, unprompted. You will say the magic words. Is there anything you can do to help?

…Funny You Should Ask.

And now the denizen will lay it out: there is, in fact, a way. You may not know this, but you happen to be a very special sort of person: a Star sleeps within you—a great power—but its light is not for the human world. If you were to promise to fight on our behalf, we could help you unlock that power on the other side. You would swear fealty to the Cardmaster, pledging your light to the cause and security of our House, and help us to beat back the darkness. But be warned! It is no task for the faint of heart. You would be asked to undertake missions in the depths of the Wild Lands, where evils reign free. You would be placed in grave danger. So yes, you really could save us, but we would never ask anyone to accept such a burden! If however you should choose to do so….well. You would be richly rewarded.

If it’s gotten to this point, the potential Star (feeling very heroic) almost always accepts.They are assigned to a team and presented with a “cage” to help concentrate their powers and serve as a holding space for any magical items they’re give in Faerie. The cage exists between realms and the Star can access it from either side. Generally, the more they use their powers as a Star, the more it fills up with light for them to draw upon. Doing certain things in the Mundane however can cause that light to diminish or spill out, so they learn to avoid doing those things. Yet insofar as they are human, the Star still regards this all as a kind of fantasy. Insofar as they’re a fairy, however, it is very real. How any given Star rationalizes the paradox will vary, but at no point does the human fully “believe” that what’s happening is real. So a fissure develops between the two selves, and the more and more the Star invests in their fae identity, the deeper it splits them.

And here is the difficult part—the part no one understands. People often ask me what a Star’s human self is doing when they are a fairy. Are they sleeping? Unconscious? Physically elsewhere? Mentally dead? Sitting behind a computer screen as in hypnosis? All of those, possibly. None of those, necessarily. The trouble is that there’s not a one-to-one correspondence between time spent in Faerie and time spent in Reality, so it never maps on perfectly. It’s very difficult to make it add up: I don’t have a working model for this part at all.

But I do know this. When a Star is harvested, they are harvested whole. No one notices them go, and there is no body to find. Everything that ought to have been real about them has been redirected to the other side. They make ghosts of themselves. They split off without a trace.

——

*Oh, you might say, well if it’s as easy as believing…—no. Believing is far from easy, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Not convinced? Then try! As an experiment: just try to alter your basic beliefs in what’s possible and what’s not. Tell yourself you might wake up in a flower tomorrow morning. It’s possible! Tell yourself the earth of flat (come on, really in vogue). Or tell yourself I’m right! Tell yourself believing makes any difference. COME ON JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF,,,YOU CAN DO IT!! Ha. Of course you can’t. 

**This may appear to stand in contrast to more traditional fairy-lore, but I think it’s actually very much in line (and it’s one of the many reason I’ve chosen to call these creatures fairies). Sure, in those stories, the human usually knows that they’ve crossed into some kind of Other Realm and accepts the fairies as real, but none of that especially shocks them. They’re not experiencing any major paradigm shift: either they’re in an altered state or this encounter still falls well within their understanding of “plausible.” But their conceptions of plausibility will only stretch so far: they don’t understand that time is passing differently in the other realm, that a very alien set of “rules” governs the very fabric of it. The shock only comes when the person tries to leave Faerie as they would leave a party at someone’s house, and finds that they can’t. And it’s the same with Stars. Our notions of plausible versus implausible have shifted a little, so the trick happens at a different level, but it’s the same trick. The human has passed into foreign territory, but they’re still processing it in mundane terms, and consequently they won’t pick up on the most “unrealistic” aspects of the encounter (if ever) until it’s too late.

[coterminalangle]

THE WINGS TOUR ANAHEIM DAY 2 RECAP

-FIRST, I GOT PLENTY OF PHOTOS AND I FILMED ALMOST EVERY SONG (not the whole song for some of them) SO IF YOU WANT ANY PHOTOS JUST MESSAGE ME!!

-so i was pretty close up: section 225 row E

-pre-concert, they played all their MV’s and no one was really hyped for like 2013-2015 MV’S BUT THE MOMENT YOUNG FOREVER CAME ON EVERYONE WAS SCREAMING OK EVERYONE WAS HYPED LIKE BRUH

-they started with not today and let me tell you, the moment they appeared on stage, they looked unreal. literally. they looked like perfectly sculpted wax figures istg

-i couldn’t believe i was actually there; i still can’t.

-they did silver spoon next and the beat was kinda different but it made it more lit so i wasn’t complaining and boi those hip thrusts i dropped my phone

-everything went downhill after that- not downhill like failure of the show, but failure of my heart and mind to process my emotions

-all the songs im gonna recap are gonna be out of order from this point down

-so they performed dope and of course jimin ended with that cute ass heart thing

-lost hit me like a truck

-they did this mashup of old songs- n.o, danger, boy in luv, no more dream??, there were others but i honestly can’t even remember i was too hype

-ok

-cypher 4

-c y p h e r  4

-i am willing to kill to watch that performed live again

-i don't usually say these things but THEY LITERALLY WORE THOSE RICH ASS SUGAR DADDY COATS OK HOSEOK WORE THOSE FUCKING SUNGLASSES AND NAMJOON IS SO FUCKING TALL AND YOONGI JUST FUCKING SLAYED MY EXISTENCE OK

-speaking of daddy, this bitch sitting near me wouldn’t stop screaming daddy throughout the entire concert and i nearly smacked her 

-but yes, cypher 4 made my existence whole again

-SOLO SONGS

-jeongguk that talented ass fucker who can do anything and do it perfectly i can’t with that boy he performed begin so well thaT DANCE BREAK THOUGHT OMF so much talent i-

-jimin was a whole king. a whole king. when they lifted him up in the last chorus in Lie, i almost chocked and died

-yoongi. yoooooonnggiiiiiiiii. ok so first love. they played this vvv emotional video before he performed and it fucking crushed me and then yoongi comes out and slays the entire human race .here was an orchestra and i was so weak ok

-reflection. ok so you see, kim namjoon is my whole heart and seeing him in person was actually so surreal and absolutely unbelievable. sure, call him my bias but he means a lot more to me than a label. anyways, this boi, so fucking tall. he looks so much taller in person. like i have friends that are 5′11 but kim namjoon i dont know why he looked so damn tall maybe because he’s a glowing bean but still i dont understand why he had to look so damn perfect i screamed i love you kim namjoon at the top of my lungs about 67 times. OK AND BACK TO RELFECTION ok you know the whole “i wish i could love myself” part?? well after we started chanting “we love you” he started changing up his lines and i dont know why but they hit me so damn hard just him singing in english and being able to speak from his heart while he improvd in front of 20,000 people was heart breaking and heart warming at the same time

-stIGMA ok taehyung and namjoon swithced places so basically at the end of reflection, namjoon runs inside the telephone box and then taehyung comes out of it. here’s all i remember from stigma: kim taehyung hit those high notes yes he fucking did

-MAMA MAMA MAMA OHMYFUCKING GOSH ok hoseok is pure gold, he couldn’t stop smiling, ohmygod. everyone was hyping him up and he couldn’t stop smiling he’s so ethreal god bless. basically he sat in this chair with the backup dancers around him and he sings mama and all that. and you know that pause before he goes “hello mama” OK LOOK HE STARTED WALKING BACK TO THE STAGE AND HE PUTS HIS MIC ON A STAND AND STARTED SINGING/RAPPING ACOUSTIC OHMGOD BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE HIS “HELLO MAMA” FUCKING KILLED ME OK YES IM A 94 LINE ENTHUSIAST COME@ ME also during mama thre were videos of fetus hoseok playing on the screen and i sobbed my little boi i lava him so much

-AWAKE WAS MY SHIT I SWEAR OK JIN HIT ALL THE FUCKING NOTES GOD FUCKING BLESS HE’S A KING AND THEN DURING THE PAUSES IN BETWEEN LYRICS HE WOULD JUST LOOK AT THE CROWD AND HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GONNA CRY EVERYTIME HE WAS SO SINCERE AND SO THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL I CAN’T THANK THE LORD ENOUGH FOR KIM SEOKJIN

-okok so they performed save me and i shit myself

-they performed run and i was like MY SHIT dude they kept throwing water or whatever that action is called but boy was it a beautiful sight they were so happy i’m so happy

-well fire. um. threw me under a bus and crushed every organ in my body HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN PERFORM THAT SONG SO WELL AFTER PERFORMING LIKE 15 SONGS BEFORE IT BITCH THEY WERE SO IN SYNC I CAN’T BELIEVE

-21st century girl was so cute they were so free and so themselves ive lived

-i need u. wow tears fell from my eyes

-favorite part of every song was when they would just stop singing/rapping and the entire audience just chanted the lyrics tey looked so happy i can’t

-whEN YOONGI AND HOSEOK TOOK OUT THEIR EARPIECES YOU KNOW YOU DID WELL

-OH AM I WRONG WAS SO LIT OK

-they played this really emotional video and it basically was saying how its 7 boys but 1 heart & 7 hearts but 1 boy and i honestly didn’t think it could hit me that hard it was just explainin their journey and how they’ll always walk togther i swear to god i’m whipped sadly i didnt get a video of this video but ohmygod

-everyone served fuckin looks wowow blessed

-seokjin told us that he felt born again and i lost it AND THEN HE GOES “ARMY YOU ARE MY HEART” AND HE HAD A FUCKING PAPER HEART TAPED TO HIS HEART I CANT WITH HIM OHMYFUCKING

-THEN TAEHYUNG TAKES IT AND STARTS MAKING CUTE FACES WITH IT

-ok someone threw some flower plushy i believe on the stage and seokjin picked it up and pretending like he was pikachuing with it god i cant him 

-kim namjoon started thanking his mom for everything hes done and accomplished and ohmyogod i screamed “thats my baby” so many fucking times at all 7 of them im so whipped 

-he started talking about the rainbow and then got all philosophical and i couldnt stop crying hes all “after rain theres always sunshine and thats where rainbows come from” aand im pretty sure he connected us to being his rainbow somehow ohmygod im melting

-did i mention kim namjoon is so fucking tall hes so ethreal i cant even begin to describe how much i love him ok all of them look so fucking good in person they look like gods tbh ohmygod KIM NAMJOON IS SO FUCKING TALL CAN I HAVE HIS HEIGHT IM ONLY 5′6 GODDAMN

-seokjin’s intense waving at the end made my life

-JIMIN FUCKING JUMPED LIKE 6 TIMES OK HE WAS JUMPING FOR JOY AS IF HE WERE JUMPING FOR A JUMPING PHOTO GODDAMN I OVE THAT BOY SO MUCH I CANT CONTROL MY EMOTIONS HES SO PRECIOUS

-HOSEOKS SMILE IS ALL I EVER NEEDED TO LIVE

-also your ears are literally plugged in there from the amount of screaming and hype so all of them sound perfect and have the voice of gods then once your ears are okk you can actually hear reality

-spring day got me so emotional jimin’s dancing man

-2!3! i cant begin to explain

-ok BOY MEETS EVIL HOSEOK IS A MOTHERFUCKING GOD I NEED AIR OK HE SLAYED THAT SO FUCKING HARD OK THANKS

-blood sweat and tears man. blood sweat and fucking tears: a song title that sumed up my entire concert experience. ok but it was so good ok, they were all so into it. DURING YOONGI’S FIRST RAP VERSE HE HELD OUT HIS MIC AN EVERYONE CHANTED HIS ENTIRE RAP OHMYGOD BEST MOMENT HE LOOKED SO SATISFIED I LOVE MIN YOONGI

-oh yes during that really emotional video they played you never walk alone and i lost it

-i probably forgot a shit ton of stuff but i hope this gave you insight on how to die and live at once

-one of the best nights of my life-i cannot begin to thank bangtan for their wonderful performance and ability to hype up 20,000 people and get them all to scream “i love myself” and to get a crowd to scream lyrics in a language they don’t understand or speak

-all 7 of them asked if we will walk with them forever, so here’s my answer amongst the 20,00 people screaming, crying, and hype: bangtan,  i will never fail to support you and i will never fail to stop loving you. thank you for proving that dreams come true, even if those dreams seem like a reality because we’re numb to believing the nearly impossible. thank you for letting me stick by you and thank you for bringing the freshest sense of life and love and reality. so yes, i will walk with you, out of pure love and inspiration.

[thisisntjustmsthisisleahsms-blog]

Not the Good Hand.

Having finally gone through the large folder full of my hospital letters, which in retrospect I should have done before starting the blog, I would like to clarify a few things from the previous chapter. The time it took for me to actually get my diagnosis, was quite a bit longer than I’d remembered it being. The date of my second appointment with Dr Gillmore and the official date of my diagnosis was October 2011, nearly a whole year after the resting bitch face incident and even then, it wasn’t a proper diagnosis. It was referred to as a clinically isolated syndrome with demyelination... yeah I have no idea what that means either, but I can tell you now it was NOT an isolated incident.

I’d also just like to correct the hilarity that was me telling you all that I had LEGIONS on my brain.

Legion

 1.    A division of 3,000–6,000 men, including a complement of cavalry, in the ancient Roman army.

 What I meant to put was LESIONS – I do not have a small Roman army pillaging my head. Thanks to mum for pointing that out.

 Lesion

 1.    A region in an organ or tissue which has suffered damage through injury or disease, such as a wound, ulcer, abscess, or tumour.

 Anyway, now that’s all cleared up, where was I?

 The Head Tilt Phenomenon

“I mean, the probability is that this won’t affect you again until much later on in life. You could be in your... mid 40’s maybe, before you have a relapse.”

Please remember this. This statement from Dr Gillmore was the reason I decided that it didn’t matter about the MS, because clearly, I was indestructible. MS? HA! Not going to affect me for another 20 years or so, drop the mic, leave the office, see you in 20.

I thanked Dr Gillmore (although thinking about it I’m not really sure why... do you thank someone for basically giving you a life sentence?) And we left. As we got into the lift to go down to B floor, I remember feeling very non-plussed by the whole thing. If this lead neurology consultant has just told me it’s probably not going to happen again until I’m like 40, it doesn’t really mean anything right now does it? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with me and even when it does happen again, it’s only a numb face. Maybe it’ll even out? Give the right hand side a couple of numb weeks? Literally couldn’t hurt and this changes NOTHING.

And that right there guys and girls, that carefree train of thought is why you do NOT make those sorts of off handed comments to stupid teenagers. They will take it for gospel. No amount of the use of the word ‘maybe’ will change that.

To the best of my recollection, we had driven to the appointment. It’s not really relevant, but I know some of you like the little details, a little something to set the scene if you will. We drove home (probably) and I flounced into the house, not a care in the world. I was actually in quite a good mood at this point because I’d started to be able to taste things on both sides of my mouth again; all I was thinking about was eating a bacon cheese burger. And then I saw Dad.

I can only assume that Mum had rang him at some point and given him an update on the situation, because as I walked through the living room door he turned, looked up at me from the sofa and he pulled the most sad, melancholy, disneyesque face I have ever seen to date, it was like looking at Droopy. This is when he tilted his head. Most of you reading this are guilty of doing the head tilt, whether it be in response to a friend whose dog has died or upon discovering that there are no more Oreos left in the cupboard. Both excellent reasons for tilting ones head, however, the amount of times I’ve wanted to slap someone upside their head for tilting it at me in a sort of “oh my God, I’m so sorry, how long have you got left?” kind of way, is unreal. So please, don’t EVER tilt your head at someone who has just told you they are disabled. Yes be considerate and ask questions, but I’m not a fucking puppy stuck in a pipe.

“How are you feeling?”

Well, to be honest with you Dad, I was feeling pretty perplexed. The only time I’d seen his face come even close to how it was on that day, was when he watched Lenny Henry feeding sugar water to a malnourished African child on a previous year’s Red Nose Day. Why is he looking at me like I’m a malnourished African child? I was genuinely confused at the reaction this irrelevant news was receiving. I told him I was fine, asked if anyone wanted a cup of tea and left the room post haste, as mum proceeded to point out to him that everything was fine, I wasn’t dying and that it probably wouldn’t affect me for a very long time. I can’t cope with this shite; I can’t deal with the seemingly soothing voice asking if I’m ok every 5 minutes, whilst looking at me like I’m made of glass. I decided to ring a friend and go for a walk. My apologies to you Louise, I can’t remember the full details of the conversation we had on that particular day, we’ve had a lot of serious conversations and a lot of long walks, they’ve all blended into one. What I can tell you is that there were numerous inappropriate jokes about my gammy face and that we 100% agreed that it was fine and it wouldn’t happen again for a very long time.

BULLSHIT.

The Hangover and The Claw

An unfortunate, yet sometimes comical side effect of MS is the way it likes to tinker with my memory, so my apologies if I have to back track from time to time. Join me, if you will, in attempting to journey back to April 2012. It was an exciting year, we had the London Olympics, Macklemore released Thrift Shop and I was having a cracking time, enjoying a LOT of nights out with various people from my TGI’s crew, only occasionally falling off a wall and/or throwing up into the streets of Derby. It was fucking great! On a side note, I hadn’t told any of my managers about my diagnosis at this point, it wasn’t affecting me and I had no intention of working there until my early 40’s, ABSOLUTELY NOT. But, I digress.

One very hazy morning(ish), having drunk myself to oblivion the night before (never drink Old Rosie at the end of a night, the hangover is just NOT worth it), I peeled my face away from my pillow, stumbled to the bathroom and proceeded to loudly empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet bowl - still in the clothes from the night before. No shame.

Somewhere in between throwing up and trying to figure out why I hadn’t stayed round my friends house as originally planned, I can only assume I was too drunk and had been bundled into a taxi by someone, I became aware that I had pins and needles in my hand – hmm... must have slept on it. No worries, I’ll just shake it off.

Any minute now...

It’s going to wear off... any second...

Well fuck me was I shaking my hand on and off for at least 15 minutes and it did absolutely FUCK ALL. I can assure you if you think you’ve had the worst hangover in the world before now, you haven’t. You add the confusion of a numb hand and a lying bastarding consultant, that’s when you have the right to call it the worst hangover in the world. Mid 40’s my arse you lying prick. This is when the panic set in; picture it, a panicked hangover. It was hideous. I was already throwing up, the panic of my numb hand made me need to throw up more and I was sobbing into a toilet bowl. I cried as the reconstituted rum and coke spilled from my mouth, I tried to catch my breath as the room span around me and looked down at my now lifeless, sick covered hand, in an attempt to have something to look at to stop the spinning. I sobbed as the sight of my gammy hand caused me to projectile across the bathroom floor, not having the time or the attention to detail to stick my head in the toilet. Absolute chaos.

As the days went by, I noticed a definite weakness developing in good old righty. Never called my right hand that before - genuinely never will again. It didn’t feel right to type, but I like the way it looks on a page so. Good ol’ righty was not coping well and bearing in mind that this is my good hand, I started dropping things. To anyone that has just laughed because I referred to it as my ‘good hand’, it was EXACTLY like that. My hand was non-negotiable and had adopted a sort of claw shape, the numbness had crept up into my forearm and I could no longer hold anything without my wrist buckling, if I’d been asked to stir mash it would have been great. I seriously thought at one point, my God, I’m going to turn into a lefty...and no one likes a lefty! On the 17th April, I went to seek advice about my claw at the hospital. I’ve attached a photo of my clinic letter, purely and simply for the fact that they refer to this particular relapse as a MILD one. Looking back now, they were bang on, but at the time I was not impressed about this. Mild?! After the traumatic bathroom incident?! Oh how stupid I was, it was only going to get worse... which is great for all of you because from an outside perspective it just got more entertaining. I was given a weeks’ worth of oral steroids to speed up the recovery process in my hand/arm. I know what you’re thinking, steroids? And the answer is no, I did not get hench. My right arm did not become akin to Popeye’s and I didn’t have veins popping out of my skin. I’ll go into the wonders of steroids next time, oral steroids are no fun but IV steroids are where it’s at. You’ll also get to find out how I faired on 2 numb legs during snowy weather conditions, how I ended up being reviewed on Trip Advisor and the wonders of a drug called Copaxone.

I must apologise for the delayed arrival of blog number 2. Unfortunately for me, just as I decided to start writing a blog about my MS, my MS thought it would be appropriate to give me a numb fucking hand, so the last blog and this one have been written with some difficulty. So actually... I take my apology back because fuck my MS.

Thanks again for reading guys, hope you enjoyed the trials and tribulations of my astounding disability and bear with for number 3!

Leah x

[vitalmindandbody]

How To Combat These 6 Mansions Of Early Aging That You Probably Haven’t Noticed

Accredited dermatologists say that the early mansions of aging generally occur when were in our 20 s and 30 s.

While this stage is a slow displacement away from the vitality of boy, “theres” subtle a difference in our impression that oftentimes become unnoticed.

Smoking, drinking excessively, stress, hormonal inequalities and poverty-stricken nutritions often acceleratethe aging process. Ive met3 5-year-olds who look 25 and 25 -year-olds who ogle 35.

As we look at ourselves in the mirror every day, we sort of go across a tunnel vision effect.

Here are six courses we age that often get unrealized immediately TAGEND

1. Dry Skin

Even if you hadgreasy surface as a teen, it can seem as though the humidity has abruptly been sucked from your face.

This will too prove on the palm of your hands, on your joints and on the backs of your feet.

2. Larger Pores

Enlarged pores start expanding once you extend the age of2 5. This could mean that theyre more prone to absorb grime, petroleum and bacteria.

If you were one of the luck women who bypassed the acne phase in their teen years, know that you may sometimes know-how adult acne later on in life. Sometimes, hormones start to switch when youre in your mid-2 0s.

3. Subtle Under-Eye Cable When You Smile

You is not able to have crows feet yet.But if you take a close look at your seeing region when you smile, you are able to discover an upside-down, crescent-shaped boundary privilege under your eye.

Thats a clue of aging.

4. Tiny Grey Hairs

Unless you have naturally dark brown to pitch-black hair that has all along been colors, these are a bit less evident to notice.

You may learn a few of them if you appear closely enough while you comb your mane. Luckily, you are able to dye these.

5. Small Sunspots On Your Neck And Chest Area

Be careful: Its very easy to misstep sunspots for freckles. Since the cervix and chest neighborhoods is the more neglected far and away, they are especially prone to sun mar and dirt.

Exfoliate your cervix in the rain and slather on sunscreen before you go out. This is vital for protection.

6. Face Not Indicating Light Well In Photos

This is necessary that your surface is beginning to lose its luminosity, due to less collagen production. This is caused by dead surface cells amassing on the surface of your skin.

Luckily, there are ways to prevent this from happening. Here are my solutions for the early mansions of aging TAGEND

1. Pay attention to your everyday routine.

Use serum, and then moisturize before you go to bed. When you wake up every morning, use a sunblock that has an SPF of 15 or greater.

Have water sitting at your desk at work, so that youre more likely to booze it more often. Exfoliate at least once a week, and dont forget to pay attention to the neck area.

Drinking aloe juice facilitates tremendously for cadre turnover and collagen make. Chew a sensible diet, and avoid processed foods, sugar and dairy in large-scale amounts.

If your hormones are making you to break out no matter what you do, consider going on( or off) birth control.

2. Try microdermabrasion.

This is an awesome preventative measure for maids in their mid-to-late 20 s. I do this at least once a month.

Microdermabrasion suctions off the dry cadres on the surface of the skin and shortens the figure of both fine routes andacne scars. The best results are often find after two to three visits.

Im 27, and parties generally peg me for 22. It might not be that much of an age gap, but hey: Ill take it.

3. Get a hydrafacial.

This is relatively new to the market. It applies hydradermabrasion( microdermabrasion and sea ), rather than lasers.

It integrates deep purifying into the holes, distillation, hydration and antioxidant safety. I have yet to try this one, but my esthetician says that it literally gives you results immediately.

Although it can be pricey $ 100 to $200 per procedure it does a prodigious enterprise of certainly excavating late and get all that gunk out of your pores.

4. Commit microneedling a shot.

This is also new to the market, and it falls in the same toll series as hydrafacials.

This procedure exploits microneedling regiman, aka collagen initiation rehabilitation( CIT ). Its a minimally invasive technique that involves softly puncturing the skin with fine needles.

For about 24 hours, your appearance may be a bit absces. Itll look like you got a sunburn.

But after research results set in, your skin will literally decorate like you have never seen before. “Its also” highly recommended for people with severe acne scarring. Kim Kardashianhighly endorses this method.

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