#it's so gratifying to have Dagne in a place where they no longer feel the need to lie to themselves or their loved ones

[babybluesquid]

Consequences of Karrnath Drabble 3

A Letter of Encompassing Love

18 Nymm 999 YK

My brilliant bonfire, Nux,

It took me many attempts to put this down to writing. I find it hard to write, as I’ve written nearly nothing in a long time. In fact, I found it necessary to enlist Vakaris to scribe for me, in order to make it legible. I will work on my own writing more, so that my next letter to you might be in my own hand. I hope the Orien courier finds you soon, as I only have a vague idea of where to send this.

I must confess that I have wanted to go to the Mror Holds myself, to find you and help you with your battle. But I know you would hate me for it. This is your own fight, not mine. It makes me worried that I cannot be there to keep you safe. Not because you are incapable, but because I love you and I want to aid you. If you invite me, I will leave everything behind to be by your side. If you want me to, I will help you remove this pact, just as I aided you in the past. But if you still want to find your own path, I will allow you to. I cannot promise I will not fear for you, in that case, so please tell me of the War Below to relieve some small part of my anxieties.

In exchange, I shall tell you of my own circumstances.

With the money the king granted me, Vaeren and I were able to open up a shop, Bone Brew, in the Commerce Ward. The building is built of strong black stone, and has living spaces on the second floor. We’re currently using the main floor to sell tea as we wait for our first brew of ale. Vaeren thinks that perhaps we need to change our business model, that we’ll likely not make a profit off our initial plan. Truly, it was more a fantasy than a plan, and now we dwell in reality.

The people of the city seem split on my presence. As my identity as an undead was already thoroughly revealed, I saw no possibility of concealing it once again, and so I walk openly. Many seem distrustful of me, and I cannot blame them for this. Even the Crimson Covenant keep themselves sequestered away from public view, and so I am uniquely visible.

Still, some others, especially secret Seekers, have expressed appreciation of me and my efforts. I have made no effort to publicize my defeat of the Shadow Sword, and yet the news has still somehow slipped out. Most believe it a ridiculous rumor. I say let them believe what they may, I do not want followers.

Also, beyond simple mistrust and derision, I have encountered hostility. Just one month ago, I was attacked within the Bone Brew by a Tairnidal named Jhalira. They came in vengeance for the Valas Tairn that are dead because of me. Fortunately, I was able to defeat them without killing them, and I let them go free. I’m sure you just scoffed at the idea, and if you were here you would’ve told me that I ought to have dealt the killing blow, or at least turned them over to the wolves. I understand your opinion, it would certainly be the easier path, but I do not think it would be effective. If I killed them, another would come to avenge Jhalira, and then the warrior after them, and I would never be free from Tairnidal vengeance. If I turned them over to the wolves, they would stew in their anger while in confinement. I had to let Jhalira loose, a deliberate act of mercy meant to allow them to determine their own path. My hope is that they will take the opportunity.

There are also still Red Watchers within the city, though the lions are set to rooting them out. I have been ambushed in the streets by those terrorists and their sympathizers on two occasions. On the first, I was within the Low District, and The Wall came to my aid midway through the battle. A dozen Red Watchers were apprehended in the aftermath. On the second occasion, I was alone, beset by twenty-some assailants, and I had to flee. It is frustrating, to be so strong and yet to still be vulnerable against numbered foes.

Vaeren and I have thus continued training, in order to keep our skills sharp and continue to grow in strength. I had hoped to never fight again, but that was also fantasy. Though stabilized for now, following the scattering of the Red Watchers and the decimation of the Ministry of Dead, Karrnath remains a dangerous place with many rogue elements. Especially now, these forces feel backed against a wall, and that makes them all the more unpredictable and deadly. The king has thus far kept his promise not to call on me again, but I am sure he will not ignore me as an asset if his power begins to wane again.

You must be wondering why I chose to remain in Karrnath, and in fact in Korth, so close to Kaius, then. It is a matter of pride, I must admit. Karrnath is my home, and I wish to see matters here improve. Even if I am not actively fighting, I hope my presence can be a positive and stabilizing force. I have been offering my magic, especially my healing, to those in need of it. Also, there is some pragmatism in it. I stay near Kaius, and I shall be in a better position to hear of events which might affect me and my community.

That is the most important reason of all, community. My brothers by blood and by allegiance have chosen to remain in Korth as well. Continuing to see and speak with Andrev, Seven, and Vakaris brings me joy. Andrev has a simpler perspective on the world than I, yet this simplicity leads to honest judgments unmarred by anxiety or prejudice. Seven, despite being forged and part of a strange religion, is the one I can relate most to. And Vakaris, my lost brother, has begun to rekindle that bond of sibling affection which we had lost when I went to war and died. For too long, I had no companionship in this world, and now I have those whom I truly love. I would not leave them, especially not now. Andrev and Vakaris have become close confidants, and they have both expressed romantic affection toward the other. Perhaps they will decide to build this relationship further, and then wish to be joined. I would love to perform the ceremony, if they would allow me. Having these beloved people living so near me allows me to face my grief and step past it.

I have been confronting my emotions more, lately. Andrev encouraged me to go to House Jorasco as he did, but I do not trust some house shrink to go through my thoughts and keep them a secret, even with their oaths of secrecy. Instead, I have been writing, in my scrawl of a hand, and I have been having honest discussions with Vaeren, Andrev, Seven, and Vakaris. I’m telling you this because I know I hurt you in the past, with my stubbornness, anger, and paternalism. I hurt Vaeren too, I know, and Syv. I have truly been an overbearing and damaging force in your lives as I attempted to change you.

I apologize.

I cannot excuse my behavior, but I can work to improve myself. I want to be a kinder, more gentle person. I want to be a stronger person. I want to inspire, not through coercion, but through uplifting others. It has been difficult to confront my shortcomings, and I often fall back into bad habits, but I have true confidants who inform me on my progress and advise continued improvement. I am so glad to have them.

It has not been easy for me to quit adventuring. I keep expecting threats around every corner, and I am unfortunately not always incorrect. I have few skills, other than my capacity for violence. I am trying to learn how to be a person, a real person, like I was before Almante ever went off to war. She used to write, not just letters or journals, but prose, poetry, and philosophy. I have no idea where to start with writing again, but I have started to read. I am currently reading the Analects of War. It seems I am not yet able to leave violence behind.

Sometimes I still think about what I am. I do not know for sure, and that can be frightening. However, I do not think I actually need to know right now. It is enough to just be a person, not a soldier, or a martyr, or a Bone Lord, or an infant god. I have been something for so long but now I just want to be.

I’ve been recalling our time spent together, from the beginning to our parting. You have grown so much since you were a scared but audacious kid who stole my helmet right off my head. I am filled with incredible pride when I remember when you stood in defiance against the formidable Great Icefang, when you reached into my mind to save me from the Bone King, and even when you made your pact with the Killing Cold because you did it to keep us all safe. You burn strong and with brilliant confidence. Your mind is sharp, your tongue is sharper, and I have no doubt that you will defeat all those demonic abominations you have gone to slay. You are also kind, humorous, and lovable, and I have no doubt that you will find new companions in the Mror to fight alongside you, new companions that you’ll protect and who will protect you in turn.

My light, I hope always for your safety. Come home to me soon.

Your boney bastard,

Dagne