#it's scary posting after so long wtf! why am i nervous?!

[taetaespeaches]

It’s December 3rd and we’re starving for your new writing🙋🏻‍♀️

Omg you've been keeping track 😩🤟 I'm doing one last read through now!

[storytimeswithdelilah]

How I met my boyfriend and my best friend almost called the police because she thought I was dead :)

This is my first post I hope you enjoyed my very true but so unserious story times about my silly little life <3

~

Me and my boyfriend have been together for nine months now, however we met in a very unusual way.

I had not long come out of a very disturbing relationship with someone I met in college, they were awful company and very often made me do things I did not want to do. However it was a few months after and we had only been together for a short time before I broke up with them.

I was not actively looking for a relationship at this point however I got a friend request on Snapchat from a boy. I reluctantly accepted and he began typing instantly. This low-key freaked me out being the sad little virgin I was but I waited until he was done. He basically started yapping about something I had no idea about but it sounded like I was supposed to know. I then asked him if I was the person he was supposed to add as I had no idea what he was talking about. He then realised that no, I was not the person he meant to add. He never blocked or removed me and he was just on my Snapchat for a while until he messaged me again saying he found me on instagram and that he thought I was cute. I then proceeded to tell him that was weird and that he was a stalker, I didn’t mean it I was in fact kidding. We began to talk more and more, we spoke for three months before he began to mention meeting up. He did not live near me, he lived in a city about half an hour from where I lived and I was beyond nervous. I’d never met anyone over the internet before and I was certain I’d get kidnapped.

So I began to put it off for as long as I could. Until one day I was out with some friends and he told me I wouldn’t meet him cos I was too pussy, he was joking, but I was drunk. So I challenged him, I was all like oh yeah I’ll meet you tomorrow after college. Why tf did I say that?! As soon as I sent the message I was like wtf what is wrong with me I am freaking out I don’t want to do this. But I couldn’t go back on my word.

My best friend told me I should go but to keep my phone on the whole time and message her updates and also to meet in public so I don’t die. Which was reasonable and I agreed. So on Thursday the 25th of may I got ready and made some dumb excuse that I needed to buy candles so we had to go shopping. I had no intention of buying candles because he was correct, I was a pussy and had no intention on buying anything because I was scared my card would decline for some reason and make everything awkward, I also didn’t want him to pay for anything because that was also scary to me for some reason.

So I got the train to see him and the whole time on the train I wanted to throw up, I also had an uncontrollable wedgie the whole time but that’s unimportant. I got off the train and saw him straight away and to be honest he was cute. And my dumbass said that. That was literally the first thing I said. “Oh how cute are you!” WHO TF SAYS THAT. He got all embarrassed and blushed and I was like Awh but at the same time I was like WHO TF SAYS THAT.

I decided to use my yapping skills to the full and just tell him some bullshit about my life to keep the conversation going which he didn’t seem to mind which was good. He then asked me what I wanted to do and me being weirdly scared of spending money had no idea what to do in this huge city filled with shops and restaraunts. He mentioned that I said I needed candles, so off we went into shops that I had no intention of buying anything from lmao. I’m not still like this now fyi idk why I was so weird.

We then found a spot to sit on in a park and we sat there for a while. We were talking and I remembered how he had asked me to be his girlfriend previously and I said no, I want to meet you before that.

His awkward ass straight up said “so am I your boyfriend now” and I thought that was super funny and I agreed that he in fact was my boyfriend now. I had no problem being his girlfriend I basically knew straight away that I did in fact have insane feelings for him.

However what I did in fact forget to do was update my best friend who was literally tracking my every move. My phone was on silent and I hadn’t messaged her since I got off the train.

We had a walk through the city for a bit and then we sat in the sunset and watched all the skater boys fall off their skateboards. Lmao sorry skaterboys.

I’m Ngl there were so many opportunities to kiss but he literally said he wouldn’t kiss me cause he was scared he would suck. I thought it was cute (he did kiss me on the second date tho)

It began to get cold and late it was like 9pm and he walked me back to the train station and waited with me for my train, before I got on the train he kissed me on my forehead and when I tell you THE BUTTERFLIES

I got on the train and was ready to text my best friend and give her the run down, however my phone died. I didn’t really think much of it in fact my first thought was that my now boyfriend would think I ghosted him.

I knew my mum was at my aunties which wasn’t far from the train station so I went there instead of home so I could charge my phone. When I walked through the door my mum and my best friend were there, my mum looked stressed so did my auntie and my best friend.

“What” was all I said. LMAO WHAT.

They immediately were like where tf were you we thought you died we were gonna call the police. They were all pretty stressed and I was like yeah my phone died. (Literally could not of given less of a fuck, nice one lilah) 😭

But anyways my friend forgave me we had a kebab and now me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 10 months.

And that is how I met him I hope you enjoyed there will definitely be more stories to come because I am a certified oversharer and yapper lmao.

Thanks for taking time out of your day to read <3

[mythiccheroacademia]

The whole time traveling children has me feelin some type of way tbh. Imagine Mirio, Kaminari, and Tamaki walking into their respective rooms and there are just small children vibing. Mirio with his daughter, Kaminari with a daughter and Tamaki with a son. 😭

as i said, parent!bnha is SUPERIOR

A/N: So, instead of making these separate asks, I’m just going to make it one giant post. I thought it would be easier that way. Probably the only post that’ll have more than three characters lol

Warnings: none

Kaminari Denki:

when kaminari walked into his room, he didn't expect to see two children on his bed fighting like wild animals

the younger girl was totally beating the boy’s ass tho

kinda embarrassing bc she’s gotta be like, seven, at most

as if it’s not the weirdest thing he’s seen (bc it’s not) he rushes in to break them apart

he manages to separate them with his arms 

the boy with yellow hair snaps his jaws at his sister’s fingers

“hey! bad! no biting!” he scolds

the little girl blows a raspberry and taunts “yeah! papa says no biting!”

the older sibling just rolls his eyes “rat”

meanwhile, denki is literally malfunctioning

papa?

PAPA? HUH???

the only person’s pants (and heart) he’s been trying to get in to for the past three months was y/n’s and he sure as hell would remember if he did

he didn't have kids

especially one that was his age

“sorry! you two are cute, but i’m not your pops”

thus, they begin to tell denki about how they mayhaps followed him and their mother into a dangerous mission and got hit with a time travel quirk

denki just nods his head

tbh, he’s not that weirded out

weirder things have happened

but, he does have one question

“who’s the lucky woman?”

coincidentally, you bust into his dorm room, wet from a recent prank and head steaming with anger

“Kaminari Denki!”

his son juts a thumb over to you

“the woman that’s about to murder you”

“oh say less”

his life literally couldn't get any better

before you get the chance to throttle him, the little girl jumps in your arms and your anger is immediately quelled 

“hey mommy! i just wanna let you know that it was [son’s name]’s fault that we followed you when you told us not to”

“WHAT!?”

you’re to busy trying to get them from killing each other to comprehend anything that’s going on

kaminari is in a love-struck gaze bc hot damn, he won the jackpot, huh?

if he wasn't in love with you before, he’s in love with you now

you and your feral children

it was nice being God’s favorite

Kirishima Eijirou: 

funny thing was

kirishima woke up from his afternoon nap with his mini-me in his arms!

at first, he was really confused as to why there was an 8 yr old boy with spiky teeth and (your hair texture) black hair on his bed

he thought he was dreaming

then the little boy bit his nose and grinned like he had done the funniest thing in the world 

“WAKE UP DADDY! WE GOTTA GET SWOL TODAY”

did he get hit with some duplication quirk?

and what was that he said...daddy?

as in, father?

kirishima is wide awake now, but before he can ask the kid what’s going on, the boy is up and making use of his punching bag

he decides it wouldn't hurt to get a morning work out in, so he decides to humor the kid

after a mini workout, kirishima is in near tears as the boy tries to flex the little muscles he has 

eventually, he gets the kid to tell him what happened and finds out he was hit with a time travel quirk of some sort

instead of being weirded out, kirishima is ESCTATIC 

he has a family in the future 

he’s so excited and proud that he just has to show his son off to his friends!

the first thing he does is go and bother bakusquad in the common room

he’s bragging like shit to them and his ego swells as they all swoon over how cute and handsome the kid is 

you and bakugo come out of the kitchen to see what all the commotion is about and the little boy excitedly runs to you and jumps into your arms 

“momma! you’re here! you’re so pretty! why’d you marry daddy when he looks so unswol?”

it’s silent before bakugo fucking dies of laughter 

“y-you finally let shitty hair hit it? and got knocked up?? LMAO”

everyone’s dying and kirishima wants to die

he can’t believe this was how his long-term crush on you was getting outted

by an 8 yr old boy

so not manly

you look confused before you put the pieces together

the kid did look like you and kirishima

you want to console kirishima about the crush that you lowkey knew he had on you, but your son was one step ahead of you

with a gracious smile, he hits bakugo’s head

hard

“what the fuck kid!?”

“don’t make fun of daddy, uncle bakugo! at least daddy didn’t faint at his wedding″

Bakugo’s contemplating murder and everyone’s rolling on the floor

“WE BEEN KNEW YOU WERE THE BIGGEST SIMP”

even ten years later, bakugo still holds a grudge against your son

Togata Mirio:

i’m about to kill y’all w this one

since year one, mirio has been feigning over you 

but 1) you were too dumb to notice 2) you both were really busy with, y’know, school and 3) he lowkey gave up bc he thought you deserved better

so imagine his surprise when he sees this four year old girl on his bed

and she looks like you with his features

mirio might not be the brightest crayon in the crayon box

but he’s got eyes

and it wasn't like he’s memorized your features to the T

the tiny girl is swinging her legs absent-mindedly before exploding with happiness when he sees him

she runs to mirio and he catches her with open arms 

“daddy! daddy! i got hit with the coolest quirk at school today!”

proceeds to tell him about her best friend discovered her quirk and it was a teleportation quirk 

mirio can’t help but giggle along with her even tho he knew it was a scary situation for the parents

speaking of which...

he innocently asks her who’s the mom

“mommy is the prettiest mommy in the world! she has e/c eyes, hair like me, and the most beautiful s/c skin! her name is togata y/n!”

if he wasn't geeking before, he’s geeking now

not only did he manage to marry you, but you let him be your baby daddy?

him?

big bet

mirio doesn't even care at this point

he’s parading around UA with the fattest smile as he introduces his daughter to damn near everyone 

everyone’s freaking out bc wtf when did mirio get someone pregnant??

maybe he should've explained himself, but he sees you at your locker and makes a b-line for you

“good morning, y/n!”

he doesn't notice that you slam your locker close and hide the confession letter you wrote to him behind your back

you’re a stuttering mess and he’s too busy basking in the fact that he’s holding y’alls child 

y’all look like a mess

but he’s ready to lay it on thick when the little girl kisses your nose and cheers,

“mommy, i missed you”

he explains the situation 

you cant help but smile, “you know this could potentially ruin the timeline?”

and you feel like melting as he gives you the softest smile 

“there’s no way I’m letting that happen. not when i end up with the woman i’m in love with. we’ll just have to twist fate together”

and twist it you did

Tamaki Amajiki:

tamaki wasn't the bravest person ever 

and he knew his crippling anxiety got in the way of a lot

but he had never been more proud of himself for managing to invite you to his room

it was supposed to be a study date

despite how bold you normally were, he took comfort in how nervous you seemed 

now, you two were leaning in, about to kiss

and then a voice from behind interrupts 

“uh, am i interrupting something?”

you two let out the ugliest squeal and jump 50 feet away from each other 

you’re all over the place, trying to explain the situation

tamaki’s heart is barely beating at this point

it takes the kid, who looks about 16, about thirty minutes to calm you down and revive tamaki

explains that he’s from the future and a descendant of tamaki’s family

decides to leave out that you two are his parents so he doesn't risk possibly erasing himself from the space continuum 

that would be bad

despite how surprised you two were, you two take it rather well 

you three spend the day together bc you and tamaki feel this weird sense of responsibility for the guy even though he’s only two years younger

the boy is trying his hardest not to expose himself, but it’s so hard

you two are asking him everything from his favorite food to if he has any siblings

he’s good at pretending that he’s cool, calm, and collected, but he wants nothing more than to jump into his parents’ arms and cry about how scared he is of messing up

but he won’t 

bc he’s a strong boy

but he slips up

“how far are you down the future?” tamaki asks

“uh, about like 100 years or so--”

“you’re lying”

the kid nearly chokes on his food as his father blinks at him

you try and scold tamaki but he continues

“i don’t mean to be mean, but your nose twitches when you lie. y/n does the same thing”

that’s when the jazz record stops and everyone is staring at one another

“....wait”

this time, you nearly pass out

y’all had a kid together???

THE HELL??

the boy, coincidentally, starts fading and he thinks he fucked up

now he’s full out sobbing into the both of your chests, scared that he’s disappearing

despite the news, you and tamaki calm down, look at each other, and hold your son

“don’t you worry, baby” you coo, kissing his fading hair

“i have a feeling we’ll see you quite soon” tamaki comforts, closing his eyes

Bakugo Katsuki:

bakugo finally understood when his mom said

“the meaner you are to your parents, the nastier your kids will be to you”

he regretted being such a demon bc his kid was literally the spawn of satan

katsuki didn’t need an explanation to know that that...thing was his kid

he looked damn near identical to him with features that he couldn't quite place

but anyways, that wasn't the focus rn

rn, he was trying to figure out a way to keep that animal caged

as soon as katsuki took his eyes off him, the six yr old ran out the door as fast as his little legs could carry him

“catch me if you can, you old bastard!”

yup, it was his kid

“GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE FUCKER”

his son is blasting his way through the halls, skillfully evading Katsuki’s grabbing hands 

he’s wildly laughing as he flips and turns through the doors, watching with glee as his father falls on his face

multiple times

the small boy latches on to a cupboard and smirks

“no wonder mom always beats your ass! you weak!”

katsuki nearly looks like the devil, eyes white, and face red with fury

his pride suffering by the second

he’s about to cuss the kids to hell when you come out of the kitchen, confused

you were about to ask why katsuki looked like a rat with rabies before you caught sight of a basket of fruit teetering on the edge of the cabinet, above the little boy’s head

“look out--”

the basket falls on the kid’s head and he’s on the floor, reeling from the hit

katsuki would've normally laughed his ass off, but he felt kind of...concerned?

he watches you run towards the child who’s trying his hardest not to cry

the boy holds his head, fat tears in his eyes as you pick him up and coddle over him 

“i’m sorry, baby. I'm sorry i didnt get there in time” 

cue the waterworks 

the boy is full-on sobbing into your chest about how his head hurts

you bounce him and kiss his forehead as katsuki checks over the red bump 

“you’ll be okay, brat” he comforts, voice softer than usual

in that moment, katsuki can’t help but notice how much a family y’all look like rn

then the dots start connecting and he goes 

oh shit 

so, maybe, he’s had a tiny crush on you

and it didn’t help that you two were friends with benefits bc yall were horny teenagers

but who knew he’d get the balls to ask you out on a proper date one day

he was such a simp for you gosh it was ugly

“you have to be more careful from now on,”  you say to the boy 

the brat suddenly looks innocent and katsuki wants to throw him

“sorry, mommy. i’ll be gooder”

the look on your face is priceless 

bakugo uses it as a chance to kiss you 

“huh?”

“i guess now’s a good time to tell you that i want to be your dick on demand but with feelings and shit, dumbass”

[byul-bit-arae]

BOYFRIEND CHAN!

Okay I know I say in this in every single bf post of mine but liSTEN.

Boyfriend chan,

Is all you could ask for.

First of all,

This guy knows how to make you fall head over heels for him

Even if he's not actually aware of it

Every single thing he does -most of the time unintendedly- would leave you with big, big heart eyes

Lucky for him he doesn't really have to try too much and you're under his spell

But also he's a lil humble bitch that doesn't know how much of an amazing person he is so he wouldn't actually KNOW he's already got an effect on you

And like whenever he talks to you and you're flustered or you blush he just assumes? that you're that kind of person?

You know, that person who stutters and becomes a mess in the presence of one single human being and acts totally normal around the others? Yeah definitely not fishy

He's not dense, he just doesn't want to make you feel uncomfortable

And also doesn't want to get his hopes up

Although everyone around you is just waiting for y'all to announce something

Like?? You're almost always together?? And you're so close??

But even you didn't want to get your hope up bc hello? He's the most amazing human on earth and he's just being nice and you're probably getting the wrong idea?

Anyways it all probably happens one day at like 4am

And basically both of y'all are just sick of pretending and denying what's so obvious and decide to spill the tea

I am not suggesting a specific scenario for this because I thought of way too many that I just gave up and also I'll let y'all just assume wtv you think would be right

ANYWAYS

BOYFRIEND CHRIS

where do I even start

First of all, very, and I cannot stress this enough, very considerate

This boy wouldn't initiate anything unless he knows you're comfortable with it

But once he knows, you better brace yourself for this koala

He looooves hugs, cuddles and any sort of affection

Obviously if you're not comfortable with pda he won't do it but he's still gonna hold your hand bc wtf he needs love

Would probably be into cheesy shit like-- wait a minute let me rephrase that

Would TOTALLY be into cheesy shit

Like couple clothes and mugs

Would 200% give you his sweaters even if you don't ask like he'd just pretend he forgot them at your place or smtn

Also would 200% lose it if he sees you in his sweaters without a warning

Boi needs his countdown his heart is not ready

Would still die anyway

Y'all know how chan doesn't really show when he's going through stuff? Like he's always this goofy smiley ball of optimism

And he's literally always there whenever you're having a bad day or need someone and really all the time

But when you show up at his studio in the middle of the night with food or tell him how proud you are of how much he's achieved or just cuddle him and treat him like a precious baby? He'll appreciate it to no end

bc he works so hard and is so selfless that he puts everyone, including you obviously, before himself

that's why I think he needs a s/o who's really affectionate and is ready to always show him love and take care of him

A very chill bf

You could tell him you want to make cookies at two in the morning and he'd be like sure babe like he's so supportive of whatever you do

Would call you by your name/nickname, baby, princess, angel, darling

Depends on the situation and the place

If you're with the guys he'd call you by your name, although he wouldn't mind if a "baby" accidentally slips

But he will have to suffer if it's another one #thekidsareonthelookout

Would love and cherish every time he gets to stay home with you and just cuddle

Since he's always busy

And although most of the time he's a big spoon and likes to feel like he's taking care of you and how you look smol in his arms

Even if you don't, he still thinks you're his smol baby

He would love it as much if he's tired and you let him rest on your lap or chest or just sleep as you play with his fluffy hair

Chan is a very passionate person himself so I think he'd fall for someone who also is passionate about something and works hard on it

Like he'd admire that so much and would be so down to listen to you rambling about your major/ what you love doing

even if you think you're sounding like a total nerd, he'd think you're the cutest thing and listen to you attentively

But there are also times where you won't even be needing words to communicate

Like you'd just stare at each other with the dumbest smiles for a ridiculously long time that it almost becomes a staring contest

Until one of you feels awkward and buries their head into the others chest

Like it wouldn't even be something romantic or anything

Like you'd throw a sassy remark at him and he'd look at you like tf dude did you really say that and you'd look back at him like yes I did until you just break into laughter

But sometimes he says something v cheesy and you try to do the same to him

But then you give up bc he's just so cute staring at you so seriously after saying that, that you can't help but feel flustered and look away

BUT CHRIS TEASING ASS IS NOT GONNA LET IT END THERE KSHDKJDS I HATE HIM

He's gonna make you look at him again and watch you become a mess :')

The way he just flips between babie channie mode and highschool jock chris mode is scary

Also I KNOW this sounds very cringey (again, I said chan would be into cheesy shit) and I myself think this is SO CRINGEY WHEN I READ IT AND CANT PICTURE IT AT ALL BUT LISTEN

CHAN IS THE KIND OF GUY TO SMILE INTO A KISS THERE I SAID IT

Like you'd usually exchange short pecks filled with nervous giggles in between

CUTE

Sometimes you would be standing in front of him or smtn and he just suddenly pulls you into his lap and peppers you face in kisses as you struggle to break free from this affectionate koala (yknow just like how he jumps on the boys from nowhere and hugs them to death? Exactly)

Other times he would be more calm about it like you'd be working on something and he just waddles to you like a penguin and stands there with his :] face until you give him attention

Or if you're working while standing he'd just attach himself to you like you're a fucking tree and just stand there and make it so hard for you to move while you do what you're doing until you just turn around and give him attention

"chan are you just gonna keep hugging me as I move around the kitchen at snail speed" you say amusedly as you're too familiar with the scenario and he just hums

"You know this isn't comfortable for neither of us so why don't you sit down as I finish cooking?"

"Channie is comfortable like this" he'd say back stubbornly and you just sigh

"Sure sweetie whatever makes you happy"

[mimzy-writing-online]

Some Blind Things I (and actual blind person) Have Done

I talk all the time about what’s realistic for a blind person to do and how to write a blind character who isn’t a complete media myth of touching faces and super powers... soooo, part of that is knowing what kind of things an actual blind person (me) fucks up doing because I’m blind.

These moments include: Me sarcastically telling people I cannot see the thing they’re doing. Moments where I have zero manners. Moments where I do have manners. Making people uncomfortable because they’re staring at me. Great phrases like, “I have too much ADHD to count to eight.” and “It’s literally illegal for me to drive.” and “Wait, who are you?” “That’s not how we talk to people Mimzy.” My cats’ growing concern that I can’t see them or tell them apart but continuing to love me. Channeling my inner Toph Bei-Fong. Updates on the ongoing insomnia writing.

There’s no chronological order to them, I’m not sure there’s going to be any order to them at all, but it’s 3 am and I can’t sleep and it’s called the Late Night Writing Advice Blog for a reason.

(I definitely did not have to double check my own blog title while typing that, definitely not)

Note: This list gets a little long, but it’s a funny read and I was up until 4:30 (this note is from a future Mimzy who’s almost finished posting this, after 1.5 hours)

Additional Note: Feel free to send anons with commentary or reblog with commentary because I would love if someone enjoyed this. Like, these are stories of my life, please appreciate them.

The Things!

-My best friend and I hang out mostly at night because of his 9-5 job, and he still lives with his parents who probably don’t like me so when we hang out we’re mostly driving around on random adventures and coffee/tea runs and late night dinners. 

So it’s night, and my night vision is awful and I have to wear sunglasses anyway because what I can see is painfully bright headlights so yeah I see basically nothing.

With my best friend, I have

1. after asking him a question: “Did you nod at me and I just didn’t see it.” “I did nod.” or after waiting long enough for a response he’ll realize what he did on his own and say, “I was shaking my head no, sorry.”

2. Reaching into total darkness to touch his shoulder and touched his armpit instead.

3. Dropped something from my bag onto his messy car floor and asked him to find it for me because it all looks blurry and grey-black down there, even without sunglasses

4. Sensed he was going for a high five and I gave him a perfect high five. Surprised, he wanted to test it again. I completely missed.

5. “We’re passing the oil refinery, so enjoy hearing, touching, smelling, tasting that.” plus 3 other identical jokes on the same drive. “Hey, can you stop making blind jokes, I’m starting to hate them these days.” “When did that happen?” “When one not-great classmate slash sort of friend made them all the time.” “That’s a shame.” “Blind jokes from sighted people are also super repetitive. The only blind jokes I seem to like are from other blind people.”

6. Him: “You’re rolling your eyes behind your sunglasses, I can tell!” 

7. Once we saw snow once our way driving home from Las Vegas. It was March, it was after midnight, and the warmest it had been at any point in that night was 40 degrees Fahrenheit (4.4 degrees Celsius. That’s a real comparison?? That’s a scary number to an American who’s barely ever left California. We were driving through the mountainy area of California where the temp really drops and for three seconds we saw snow in the wind. Well, he saw it. Something moved, it was small and flaky but like... that was actually snow and I couldn’t see it? (this was three, almost four years ago)

8. Last weekend we drove around the rich neighborhoods to look at Christmas decorations because I love Christmas lights because for ones light actually looks pretty instead of painful and I can see it at night without hurting, so it’s nice. I love the pretty visual things. Blindness will not take the pretty visual things from me! And the decorations just make me so happy and I wanted to do that last year but never did, so we did that this year

9. I also told him about the cripple punk tag on Tumblr last weekend and he was delighted to know it exists because he’s got other chronic health issues including downright awful knees.

Other blind things not directly involving my best friend

1. I have paused writing to ask a sighted person if it’s realistic for my sighted characters to see X item from Y distance away. Usually my dad with his stupidly perfect vision.

2. Realizing I’m forgetting what sighted people can see. It’s been four years since I saw like a normal person. And all my sighted memories are literally blurry from age.

3. But I still have dreams where I see normally. And then dreams where everything is too bright like in real life and I cannot see and what is happening???

At home, specifically

1. I have three cats who I can’t tell the difference between. I have a small black and brown tabby cat. A black and orange tortie cat who is slightly heavy but medium build. An all black cat who is huge and has the longest fur I’ve ever touched on a cat. I cannot tell the difference between them until I’m up close. Especially if the lighting bad.

2. Tonight I almost set my laptop on top of Remy, my brown and black tabby, because I didn’t see here a foot away from me, curled up next to my leg, somehow blending in with my orange and blue comforter. Her concerned look I did see and was horrified by my almost fuck up and apologized profusely for.

3. Cannot see Felix, my black cat, half the time if the lighting is bad and have almost sat on him, put my feet in his face, tripped over him, etc. because he blends into the shadows and oh my fucking god I cannot see that.

Note: Remy cuddles with me all the time. Felix adores me but will not be caught dead cuddling anyone because dignity, but if he’s in my room and nobody’s around to see he’s insistent on cuddling. Rio (black and orange tortie) is devoted to my mum, and she knows she makes me nervous when she suddenly jumps on me and I get really shifty and squirmy and not fun to cuddle with, so we’re cool and I give her pets but she doesn’t usually crawl onto me unless she wants to make my mum jealous.

4. Can sneak up on family members and friends because I move so quietly, so at least there’s that. Not a blind thing, but it makes up for some things.

5. Have walked up to someone I thought was a friend, realized I don’t know them, and the first thing out my mouth was “Wait, who are you?” and then a close friend (and the party host) grab me by the shoulders and say, “That’s not how we talk to people,” and just like, where are your manners Mimzy, wtf, but I never saw that stranger again so it’s okay.

Side Note: blindness aside, I do have a habit of just rudely speaking my mind in not-appropriate settings because I just don’t care and don’t have the anxiety to at least act like I care. They’re very satisfying, but usually very rare moments.

6. Please stop moving things around the house!

7. “What do you mean there are cobwebs?” *Shines a flashlight at the dark corners of my room* “oh my god...”

8. Me, to my family members, “Please close those curtains, light hurts. Please turn off that lamp, it’s too bright in here.” *me, later turns off most of the lights in the house* Family members: “Why is it so dark in here? I can’t see.” *Me, channeling my inner Toph Bei-Fong* “Oh no, what a tragedy!”

9. Mum is the only one who vaguely appreciates my light sensitivity because she also has snow vision (a mild case) and has a little light sensitivity, sometimes, on her bad days.

More Not Quite Appropriate Things!

There are so many things that I say only to realize that there is a very nearby stranger who heard that out of context and it sounded so bad.

1. Best Friend (while I’m walking down stairs just fine, by myself, don’t need anyone’s help, I can do it!) “There are eight steps.” “I don’t need your help.” “I know but--” “I’m fine!” “I’m just trying to help.” “I have too much ADHD to count to eight anyway!”

“I have too much ADHD to count to eight anyway,” is exactly what two strangers heard while walking right behind me.

Why would you sneak up on someone who’s so obviously blind??

2. “Sea foam green is an ugly color anyway.” I was in a mall, it was well lit and I was using my cane and managing with my crap vision, but I managed to see that specific color I hate on a dress right next to me, and the woman walking on the other side of the mannequin display heard that and did a double take on my obviously blind self.

Or so I’m told by my mom who could see what happened.

3. Similar to above, I was in the Artist Village in San Diego, which is a huge tourist trap, and I was sort of a tourist too, but it’s freaking outdoors, so I have the cane and sunglasses. And I’m in an Artist Village (very visual thing) with my parents, so out of place. And this random dude was apparently staring at me. Cannot see him, absolutely no idea which direction my mum is pointing towards, everything is blank and weird and not see-able, but I turned my head and by some miracle looked directly at him and he freaked out and looked away.

4. “Oh yeah, make fun of the blind person!” sarcastically, but loudly, somewhere public after a joke a friend had made that I was actually okay with.

5. “Driving and hiking are my two biggest weaknesses,” said out of context to people who didn’t know I was blind.

6. “I forgot you were blind.” “Well I didn’t.” More channeling of Toph, I think.

7. “Why can’t you drive?” *points to cane* *he does not get it* “It’s very illegal for me to drive.” *does not get it* “They’re blind dude,” classmate says. “Very blind.” “You seem to get around just fine,” says the man who only see me indoors with the very best lighting scenario for my vision. “Yeah, but that’s because I have the cane.” “So?” You seem just fine, he seems to think. How dumb are you? I definitely think. “Why do you need the cane?” “Because I would die if I didn’t have it. I have almost died. People would die if I tried to drive.”

8. Later: “Did he think you could just drive and use your cane to feel the road or something?” “I guess.”

9. More questions from other people who don’t know me very well asking why I can’t drive. “Because it’s illegal.” Their confusion is wondering specifically why it’s illegal rather than thinking I’m not actually blind. I explain the laws in the driving handbook, because I have read it (unlike some people I guess. How did you miss the ‘drivers must be able to see at least 20/40 with their best corrected eye” and I haven’t been in that category for two years.

Note: My day blindness came two years before my vision acuity reached visually impaired status. So, like, two years of wishing I had a cane but thinking “I’m not blind enough” and still being terrified in certain situations and risking my life walking around without one or some sighted guide.

Similar Public Things

1. I can see indoors pretty well so I get by on prescription glasses and no cane (I see 20/70 - 20/100 with glasses) but sometimes the mall is crowded and nobody gives me space and I’m just not comfortable getting so close to people, so I bust out my cane (and maybe my sunglasses too) so I look extra blind and people will give me the space to walk without running into someone.

2. Have also done that just because the indoor lights were also too bright and I need my sunglasses.

3. Have stared at my phone in public with cane/sunglasses, or tried taking photos with it, and I get so many weird looks because blind people see nothing I guess, none of us have any vision at all! (read sarcasm)

4. Walking into a coffee shop I’ve been to before and I know they change their teas all the freaking time. Also got the cane. “Hi, can you tell me what iced teas you have right now?” “Oh, they’re all on that sign.” *blank look* Do you not realize I’m blind? I’m thinking. “What kind of black tea do you have? Do you have any tropical black tea?” (because they usually do and I love tropical black tea, and they did that day too, so I ordered that.)

5. I cannot read menus. Those restaurants that have the menus above the register are awful, evil. Cannot read. In the wonderful days of my childhood I didn’t have prescription glasses for my moderately not great but still mostly functional vision (my dad has perfect vision and no concept whatsoever about what it’s like to not be able to see those things!) So imagine my parents dragging me to restaurants like that and I’m 10 years old and supposedly can read perfectly fine but I cannot read that menu and I think it’s some personal character fault of mine that I just don’t know how to read those kinds of menus, so I have to ask my mum to help me choose a food to order and eat, and then that’s the only thing I ever order any time I ever go back. So, I’m quickly getting sick of those places because I only eat one item there and I want to try something new with a restaurant with those nice hand held menus, but those are sit-down restaurants and apparently they cost more money, sooo...

6. That was a rant I went on with my best friend last weekend

Side note: It’s almost 4 am, my mum just woke up, saw the light on in my room from under the crack of my door and said hi. I’m at a point right now where she just expects it and isn’t one to judge (unlike my dad who has zero insomnia because he has hypersomnia and I don’t know how humans do that)

Side Note Ten Minutes Later: My laptop is at 10% but I plugged it in because dammit I am finishing this tonight and it will have all the things.

7. “Hey, where’s the trash can? I can’t find one.” *also mistakes a trashcan and a human being just sitting still. All the time* “Why not just litter then?” best friend asks, knowing exactly how I’ll respond. “I have manners!”

8. I hate traveling even a little by myself. My orientation and mobility skills with my cane aren’t that bad, but they’re not good enough for me to feel comfortable walking around by myself anywhere that isn’t super familiar with routes I already have practiced and memorized (school, close friend’s houses or apartments, the blocks in my neighborhood I’ve walked 500 times coming too and from school or walking dogs with my parents). Anywhere unfamiliar or wide/open or crowded or God Forbid, OUTSIDE is a source of terror and will not let my traveling companions leave me alone for longer than a few minutes and certainly not walk away on my own.

9. Will not go to bars because I present female and I am visibly disabled and that makes me look like an easy target and why would I risk that unnecessarily?

I’m gonna cut it off here. This is a long post, and I need to just finally go to bed. Goodnight. I hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to send anons with commentary or reblog with commentary. I’d like to know that someone liked this.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 052: “I Was Almost Too Late”

Previously on BnHA: Tomura’s gang of Noumus wreaked havoc on the city. Fucking Endeavor showed up to lend Gran Torino some support. Deku realized Iida was in trouble. Iida got all kinds of fucked up by Stain and tearfully monologued about how much he loves his brother. Stain was not moved and went in for the killing blow. Then my boi Deku showed up with the clutch last minute save.

Today on BnHA: Deku shows off his big hero brain and rad deductive reasoning skills. Iida is all, “DEKU, DON’T INTERFERE!” even though he’s just lying on the ground waiting to get murdered. Deku tries to hold off Stain using full cowl and it’s briefly the coolest thing ever, but then Stain grazes him with one of his blades and Deku gets paralyzed too. Stain is all, “you’re cool so I won’t kill you,” and yet again tries to kill Iida. Yet another U.A. student shows up before he can actually do so, because Iida apparently has a backup quirk of summoning main characters whenever he’s about to die.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 126 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.) 

um... what

[frantically checks chapter number like three times even though it’s printed right there]

lol what. is this a dream?? a flash forward? DO WE HAVE TO GO BACK KATE

WAIT A SEC. this is a color page! and 52 weeks in a year = 52 chapters in a year = it’s been one year in real time. that’s what they’re talking about

well, congratulations! but don’t fucking confuse me like that you assholes

GASSSSPP

POPULARITY POLL

I PREDICT TODOROKI AT NUMBER ONE, FOLLOWED BY DEKU, FOLLOWED BY BAKUGOU, FOLLOWED BY ALL MIGHT, FOLLOWED BY... WELL IN A JUST WORLD IT’D BE MY BEST GIRL OCHAKO BUT I GUESS WE’LL SEE

oh lord now there’s a two-page spread, and okay I have to risk spoiling myself because this page deserves to be viewed in color

okay found it

I just really love Bakugou’s pose and Aizawa’s grumpy sleeping bag face in the back. also Momo getting her drink on

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE POLL. DO I HAVE TO GO HUNT THAT SHIT DOWN. SHIT. I’LL DO IT LATER

(ETA: didn’t realize this was just the poll announcement and I still had to wait 10 more chapters for the actual results lol)

all right so flashback to Deku running with a 5% One for All speed boost to get to Iida before anything bad happens

he’s thinking about the coincidental appearance of several new Noumus in the same city where the Hero Killer had previously been rampaging about. and he’s wondering if it’s a sign that said killer and the League of Villains have teamed up

good instincts there Deku

and of course he’s realized that Iida went after Stain, since all the signs point in that direction. he’s read enough comics to know when a young hero has gone running off on his own on an ill-advised quest for vengeance

back to the present! Deku is all YEAH I WAS FUCKING RIGHT

(ETA: Deku saying “bingo”, which he does in English, with that satisfied “FUCKIN’ KNEW IT” expression, may be my favorite moment in this entire arc, and I mean that unironically. love it)

Iida looks totally shocked to see him and can you blame him?? he was literally about to die and all of a sudden fucking Deku shows up out of nowhere to punch the strong villain guy in the face? Deku who was supposed to be off on his own internship miles and miles away? and who wouldn’t have had any idea that Iida had gone off on his solo vengeance quest?

just goes to show, don’t underestimate the main character’s propensity for sniffing out trouble and getting involved in the middle of it, Iida

(ETA: since I’ve complained a little about the suspension of disbelief required for some of the coincidences in this arc, I just want to clarify that this is not one of those moments. I actually really like that Deku’s logic was explained, and that he didn’t just randomly stumble across Iida, but was actively looking for him after narrowing down his search radius)

anyway so Stain’s rebounding now and he does recognize Deku from Tomura’s photo

Deku is so fucking smart

can we all agree that even without One for All he still would have made a great fucking hero. worst case, he would have been like the most legendary detective of all time, probably

Deku asks Iida if he can move. good, he’s not dumb enough to try and take this guy on alone if he can help it

but the problem is Iida can’t move. apparently Stain’s quirk took effect when he was cut

shit. so... lol Deku! better not fucking get cut. time to put those new One for All skills to the test in a trial by fire

Deku considers just carrying Iida (he’s strong enough now lol), but then he sees the other hero guy lying there nearby, and he can’t get both of them

and now Iida is putting in his two cents, and. wow guys. this is easily the dumbest thing anyone has ever said in the whole series up until this point

JUST LEAVE ME HERE TO DIE, FAM. IT’S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, IIDA

Stain seems to admire Deku’s heroism, but he says that it’s his duty to kill these guys, and if Deku’s going to stand in his way, well then. you can see where this is going

what happened to that whole “I don’t kill kids, the people I kill all deserve it, this is for the good of society” and all that other shit

and he says “the weaker of us will be culled” with a scary face. and Deku looks intimidated because he can see that this guy truly believes the bullshit he’s spouting right now, and he knows that makes him extra dangerous

but when this guy says “the weaker of us”, I don’t know if he realizes that there’s a good fucking chance that’s actually him

also, I’m still half-expecting Todoroki to show up if this gets bad. though part of me hopes it doesn’t happen since it's so tropey. if he was hanging out with Endeavor, it’d make more sense for him to team up with him and Gran. or maybe join the fight against all of the Noumus downtown

Deku is reaching behind him and clicking something. it looks like his phone; I wonder if he called for backup

he’s realizing now that he’s on his own. but he’s also saying that he needs to “buy some time” so I hope he did call for help

Iida is screaming at him but dude, you really expect Deku to just leave you? I know you’re not thinking straight, but that’s suicidal at best and borderline insulting at worst. I hope Deku chews you out later

oho!

okay, two things I like here! number one, quoting one of All Might’s better lessons. and number two, THE FUCKING SMILE OMG. this is easily the most AM-like he’s been to date and it looks good on him, damn

look at Iida’s face

fucking relax?? you’re really killing my buzz here. just wait. Deku’s got this

probably

so Deku’s charging at Stain and Stain’s bringing the sword out! BOY YOU BETTER DODGE THAT SHIT OR ELSE IT’S A ONE-HIT KO WITH HIS QUIRK

YESSSSSSS

ALL RIGHT SON LET’S DO THIS

Stain thinks to himself that Deku made the smart move by getting in close, so he can’t use his long blade effectively. but now he’s pulling out one of his knives!

AHHHH YESSSS NOT SO FAST MOTHERFUCKER

(ETA: holy shit you can actually see two tiny droplets of blood by Deku’s arm, though. that’s so cool that you can go back and pinpoint the moment when he gets grazed and doesn’t realize)

I’m honestly starting to get a little nervous as to what’s going to happen, because so far Deku is making this look fucking easy, and I figure that in order for the suspense to be maintained, surely something has to go wrong soon, right?

then again

lmao every time Stain tries to hit him he’s fucking gone. pretty safe to say he’s got the speed advantage here I think

AND HERE HE COMES NOW WITH THE SMASH

EVEN AT JUST FIVE PERCENT, THAT SHIT STILL LOOKS LIKE IT HURT

oh my god

sure!! because why would Deku ever come up with his own fighting style when he could just keep ripping off Bakugou’s playbook until the end of time?! I love this so much

anyway, so that was one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen, so naturally something terrible is about to happen I assume?

OH FUCK ME FUCKING SHIT

Deku’s trying to figure out what’s going on -- “did he graze me?”

I can’t tell for sure but it seems like there is indeed a sliiiight teeny tiny cut on his upper arm. fuck

although now Deku is thinking “no that’s not it! it’s blood!” and I have no idea what he’s talking about?

Stain’s walking up to him all calm. he says Deku lacks power but did a good job tracking his movements

see Iida, now if you want to freak out, I will allow it

oh shit??

never mind Iida

shit he’s walking back towards you!!

Stain please don’t kill Iida right in front of a paralyzed and helpless Deku oh my god

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh snap

WHO CALLED IT?! YEAH THAT’S RIIIIGHT

WHY SO SURPRISED, DID YOU NOT SEE THIS COMING

LMAO MEANWHILE I ONLY PREDICTED IT BECAUSE I KNEW FROM THE ANIME THAT HE DID GO TO INTERN AT ENDEAVOR’S AGENCY. IT’S THE ANIME’S FUCKING FAULT. I SHOULD STOP WATCHING FOR A WHILE, BUT I JUST LOVE THE SOUNDTRACK SO MUCH, AND IT’S SO MUCH FUN TO SEE THESE SCENES IN ACTION DAMMIT

ANYWAY!!!

OHHH MY GODDD

DEKU HIT HIM UP IN THE GROUP CHAT I CAN’T I’M DONE FOREVER

SO THEN HE DID KNOW HE WAS COMING. MAYBE HE JUST LOOKS SO SHOCKED BECAUSE OF THE STRESSFUL SITUATION HE WAS IN ONLY SECONDS EARLIER

ALSO, LOOK AT THIS HANDSOME MOTHERFUCKER IN HIS NEW FUCKING COSTUME

hey google play Arsonist’s Lullabye

BONUS:

Ochako’s meal plan wtf

she doesn’t eat

what the fuck did I just read

what the shit I don’t even get it. how’s it supposed to be funny. is it making fun of diets or making light of poverty wtf

whatever. I may honestly delete this bonus section, since it contains absolutely nothing of value and just ruins all that cool shit Todoroki and Deku just did

(ETA: well in the end I didn’t delete it. I’m not gonna post any of the rest of these segments though. they’re pretty terrible and it’s easier for me to just pretend they don’t exist)

[sept-dix]

video producer! kang dongho (part 1)

summary: dongho is a video producer at the company you’re interning at & things happen  genre: fluff a/n: reviving my blog to casually post this because i can lol also i broke this into parts because it was getting too long ;;;; this is my first attempt at a bulletproof scenario kinda thing so i would love it if you could tell me what you think!!! thank you for reading <3

link to part 2 here

the summer before you went off to university, you decided to find yourself a job to get some of that $$$

as someone who spent a lot of time watching tv shows & movies & stuff, you'd always been interested in work related to media

so you decided that you were going to get a job related to that field so that you could get some work experience for the future

there was this local company that made youtube videos that you had your eyes on

they always made fun videos which were super relatable and fun to watch, and they explored a lot of different ideas (think something like a local & smaller version of buzzfeed)

as you were browsing for job openings, you found out that this company was looking for interns for the summer

and even more importantly, they emphasised that they just wanted someone willing to learn, meaning no previous knowledge of like video editing/production or camera work or whatever was needed

this was perfect for you because as much as you were interested in the field, you had never gotten an opportunity to actually learn stuff so this was exactly what you were looking for

so you applied for this company and you got accepted

time skip! it was your first day going in for work and you were super nervous because this was your first real job that wasn't working at a fast food joint or something and tbh you had absolutely no idea what you were supposed to do

once you entered the company's office, you were brought over to the other new interns

before you had the chance to talk to them, another guy entered the room

he introduced himself as minki, and apparently he was the one who managed the interns

he gave you guys a super good first impression because he was totally casual and friendly in the way he talked to you and he actually brought you guys some chocolate as like a welcome gift

after briefing you guys about your work and company rules and stuff he asked you guys to choose one out of a few categories to kind of specialise in

there was stuff like video production, ideation, on screen stuff (idk), and stuff like that

you and a couple others chose video production and minki brought yall over to this other guy whom he introduced as dongho

he was apparently a senior video producer, and also the one who was going to be teaching you guys stuff

he was also very scary. he had like tattoos and slight stubble and an rbf and just overall seemed like a very stereotypical bad (and scary) boy

your first impression of him was terrible because he barely smiled the whole time he introduced himself and the work to you guys

what a stark contrast to minki

you started getting anxious once dongho started getting into teaching yall the basics because turns out most of the others already knew stuff about videography & editing

they would ask dongho questions about the software or something and his reply would have words you’d never heard before and you were just sitting there like. what. was i supposed to know this stuff????

it was honestly like you weren't even there bc 1) you couldn't find it in yourself to join in the conversation much bc you were shy around strangers and 2) you honestly couldn't even if you weren't bc you had no idea what they were saying

the others also weren’t really making an effort to befriend you

you were more than relieved to scurry out of there once the day ended

on the way home you were thinking is this how the real world is supposed to be bc if yes pls abort mission

anyways for the next few days it turns out that you guys were tasked to shadow a video producer each to like learn faster from more hands on experiences

and just your luck turns out the one you were supposed to be shadowing was dongho. you’re already slightly panicking at the thought of spending a whole day almost alone together with the Scary Guy

you were also lowkey confused about why you, the intern who probably knew the least, were with the Senior video producer but whatever you just went with it. at least you were getting paid for this 

so the next day dongho was supposed to go out on a shoot at this renowned local restaurant for a segment minki was hosting and you had to follow them

dongho was driving yall there and you were sitting alone in the backseat with all the camera equipment

as you guys reached the restaurant and dongho was trying to park the car, he turned behind to check the space and while doing so there was a fleeting moment when his eyes met yours in the backseat

and you kinda got jittery feelings for a second

“am i really that socially inept that just eye contact with someone idk well is enough to make me feel like this” you thought to yourself lol

but okay whatever you just dismissed it and got down for the shoot

throughout the whole thing you took careful notes of everything dongho was doing in a tiny notebook because you wanted to learn everything asap

there were moments when dongho would like set up the camera or direct minki to do certain things, and he would turn around to ask you to take note of that but he was surprised (and also impressed) to see that you were already on it

the dish minki was there to review was this super popular meringue pie and once he was done with his hosting stuff he offered the pie to you guys

you happily accepted the offer bc tbh the pie looked delicious

but dongho started whining about how he still had to dismantle the tripod although he wanted the pie super badly

(and you were kinda surprised bc,, the whining didn’t suit his image at all but it was .. kind of cute)

so you, being the caring intern you were, lifted a fork of pie towards him expecting him to take the fork from you

but nope. he decided to lean in and eat off the fork in your hand

you were flustered to say the least bc he had leaned in pretty close and minki just laughed from the other side of the table as he watched you being awwkard

but that wasnt the end of it. after a few seconds dongho was saying “i want more” and somehow you ended up feeding it to him again and omg? there is that jittery feeling again

you thought he was supposed to be scary but why is he so cute

and the tips of your ears were turning red but dongho didn’t seem to notice at all as he finished packing up the camera parts

(but minki on the other hand probably did and he’s probably already made a note to tell aron, another video producer at the company, all about how dongho is confusing the new intern)

as much as you try to dedicate all your attention to absorbing as much new information as possible, you start getting a little distracted as the week progresses

suddenly you find yourself thinking to yourself “has dongho always looked this attractive when driving”

he rolls up his sleeves once and “why does his tiger tattoo look so cool on him it’s a stupid design”

“i thought he was supposed to be scary why does he look like a baby when he laughs”

one day you spend time together with him learning how to edit a video and you steal a glance at his serious work face as he works on animating something in the video and you get that jittery feeling just seeing him that focused bc he looked so cool

at the end of the week of shadowing and learning and spending time with dongho, jonghyun (director of the company) comes in to see how you guys were doing

“how’s y/n doing? all good?”

dongho: “more than good. at this rate she’s going to become the best intern soon” he then proceeds to pat your head and smile at you

and his eyes become half moons and he’s looking at you kinda proudly

bc he was super impressed with your willingness to learn although you started out knowing nothing but he didn’t say that out loud

but your heart is beating super fast bc wtf why is he looking at you with that pleased look

and in that moment you knew for sure

you were totally & massively whipped for dongho

[ts-indonesia]

Episode 1 - "Time to put on a bra and take some selfies." - Leigh

Episode 1 saw eighteen players, some fresh faces, and some veterans arrive on the Indonesia beaches, ready to play and ready to win. On a somewhat quiet Obor tribe, Leigh/Trent bonded over the age difference on the tribe (with a cunning plan reliant on using the word ‘lit’) and Anabel/Trent begun to form a bond that would survive the test of time.

On the Cahaya tribe, Matt/Jess feared the casting of one another, and Julian arrived plucky and ready to avoid another prejury experience, determined to improve. Owen/Stoner quickly formed HOS 22: Bermuda, and set to work spreading their connections across the tribe, forming at trio with Julian.

After a decisive victory in the Scavenger Hunt, it was revealed the returnees would have to send two returnees to the other tribe as “infiltrators” casting a sole vote. In an attempt to force the result, Julian went “offline”, in an attempt seen-through by his fellow tribe mates, but one that was ultimately successful, with Owen & Julian sent over as infiltrators.

At Obor’s tribal council, Evan quickly emerged as an easy vote, for his minimal challenge contribution. Two key alliances formed, a newbie majority alliance of Trent/Chris O/Leigh/Anabel/Lorelei and a girls’ alliance of Lorelei/Anabel/Leigh, with Anabel armed with an idol to boot.

As expected, Evan was sent out unanimously, but not before Julian trashed on the Cahaya tribe during tribal council... in a tribal seen... by the Cahaya tribe. With Evan out, the torches still inspiring such hate, and the infiltrators returning... that drew round one to a close.

MATT

first confessional give me idol? 

also hi Jones

OWEN

okay so im walking onto the boat.... my hair is thinning, my skin is getting wrinkly, im ancient at this point. nonetheless im back for like the sixth time. or seventh, honestly who can keep track anymore. i see these like cute little new people. ANABEL's vid is AMAZING gay icon, lorelei legend likes pokemon mystery dungeon,  Leigh is near chicago, like... i literally love all these new players but then i realize NONE OF THEM WILL BE ON MY TRIBE SKADSFJH. instead? im stuck with crazy ppl. there's julian who i voted out premerge in the season I won, and Matt who was in my most recent season nnn but NOT the matt I worked with in that game. and of all people CHRIS STONER LMAO. to be fair, chris isn't that bad bc I know he'll work with me hopefully but also I know he's a good player and wouldn't hesitate to cut me out. thank god olivia and jess are here tbh. omg and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse.....a furry shows up. WHAT THE FUCKKKKKK lmao I remember foxx back from the old old days and he seems scary :(((( good news is julian said him and isaac haven't ever gotten along and that isaac has voted him out twice :') so that might be good. and i'm fairly sure stoner and jess would have my back rn i just need to talk more to them. but for real, as soon as there's a swap or something if I survive that long? bye bye returnees :) i dont see myself getting very attached to anyone at the start so ill just do my best to ride out this beginning and maybe have some fun

LEIGH

I'm looking forward to seeing how long our tribe chat is just "Hey *Tribe Member's Name*!" 

I think it could go on a while.

OWEN

chris: ditching u for the other stoner tho chris: tumblr needs an all stoner f2... 7:23 PM me: thats ok im ditching u for the gay girl from the first post me: but for now? u and me <3 7:23 PM chris: deal stoner and I rlly did speak this into existence....... it'll happen

LEIGH

So this tribe has literal children on it. 15, 16 years old. I might have to backstab ACTUAL CHILDREN!  How do I even fit in with them? Trent suggested we could buy fidget spinners.  I said maybe yoga pants and a crop top?  There are people here BORN AFTER 9/11!!!  What the fuck I didn't even know you could be born after 9/11 and be out of kindergarten. What year is it?

EVAN

Just met some other castaways, they seem pretty chill.

FOXX

What's up. So this fox has returned after an eternity of a hiatus with more grey in his muzzle and hopefully some self-awareness to go with it. I played some pretty solid games in the past but after taking a long time lurking and sort of forgetting Tumblr Survivor Crooks asked if I wanted to play despite not knowing I have played before. That's how old and irrelevant of a has-been I am. Back from the dead. I'm glad my star has faded and I can go in with a blank slate. My biggest concern is that I am not on my anxiety medication so my social interactions, especially on call, will be a lot more stilted and I'm terrified this will impair my judgment but we'll see. Right now I'm not trying to come off as a huge strategist. I made an intentionally crappy intro video, made fun of myself, and just tried to be funny without coming off too weird/desperate etc. Almost like I'm not taking this too seriously. However, already I'm noticing a patterns in how people on my tribe are. I have no fucking clue who these mammals are. People will have extensive conversations about people, twists, running jokes, etc and I'm totally lost. That hiatus really did fuck with my ability to ingratiate myself with this community. That will be a huuuuge advantage coming to dealing with the newbies since I can leverage that to not seem so threatening but right now I think I'm doing a fair job being friendly and making people laugh. I hope. God. So my thoughts on my tribemates thus far: Stoner: Vaguely know who this guy is. Aptly named. He's clearly blazed as hell but I can tell he's bright and likable. Says "oh shit" a lot and he seems like depsite his facade he's probably someone I can work with. Isaac: We talked about Overwatch a bit and he seems nice but he's not coming on my radar too strong. Jess: Definitely made a fairly strong impression on me since we're similar ages, Francophone, and we bonded over our mutual detest and hatred of furries and then I calmly sneak in the fact I am a furry an hour later and holy shit I was trying so hard to not bust into tears. She's funny and likable and seems like she's someone I could work with. Matt: Talked a bit about me coming back. Very little in group call. Michael: Talked a fair amount about D&D and made some fun Upside Down jokes. Seems like we have a lot in common but him being a different time zone could prove hard to keep up with. Being the outlier on Time Zones is playing on Hard Mode. Olivia: Love her! We bonded over animals and she seems like a total sweetheart and I definitely wanna share pics of my cat with her some more! Owen: We talked a bit about literature and it was fun. Definitely seems intelligent and he's someone I know a bit about from Olympics. In an ideal world I'd want to work with Stoner, Jess, Olivia, & Michael but everything in on fire. Also, no luck on the idol so fuck me I guess

JESS

So... first night has been interesting? I was going to do your typical "first impressions" confessional but... FOXXX or whatever the fury's name is.... is playing too hard too fast. Am I being a Paranoid Patty and reading this the WRONG WAY entirely? Possibly. HOWEVER... It's been less than 5 hours since we were thrown into this hell hole of a game (The hosts are lovely individuals but we all know this is about to get insane) and he's telling me if I want to make a move that he's my guy? Ummm.... WE HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN OUR FIRST IMMUNITY YET? I'M NOT THINKING MOVES RIGHT NOW? I BARELY CAN REMEMBER YOUR NAME!

MICHAEL

https://youtu.be/Swisjdq1R4s

OLIVIA

Have I befriended a furry???????? Is this real life????? Is he actually a furry or just really in deep on this joke? Why are there so many Dylans in orgs? Also fucking goddamnit I like EVERYONE HERE I just wanna be friends with all y’all damn. All of the newbies are so adorable and seem so excited and unknowing to the pain that’s gonna come :’) Annabelle especially like my wig flew with that intro! I wanna meet them all. Also wtf is with the torches I WANNA KNOW ALREADY! Anyways that’s all I’m excited for this season. Owen and I renewed the o alliance :-) and Jess seems cool as hell I really clicked with her and the furry. Michael seems sweet and I already know Julian from Mykonos, the absolute crackhead. Real sweetie tho hopefully we’re friends. I hope I’m not coming off as too insane I was so nervous on the phone call with the tribe :( it was so fun but I felt like every time I said something it fell flat I felt so awkward abhhhhhahshsjaj. Anyhoo yay! New season!

Should I write the rest of my confessionals in japanese? Neko. Boom

JESS

So coming into this game with a TS under my belt is different... I still have no expectations whatsoever BUT I do know how HARD people go for in these games and I'm planning to go just as hard. The first night was wild. Everyone on my tribe except for Matt and Julian were lively on the tribe call. Everyone seemed pretty cool and super... out there.. I think Isaac might be the one to watch on my tribe. He's been around the block and knows most people on my tribe (new and old). WHICH IS WHY.. I'm going to try my best and get super close to him. I need to make sure I'm not disposable to these "older players" and as asset to these "newer" players. I just know need to cool my jets on the whole socializing bit in the main chat (Yes I know it's literally day 1). I want to be as irrelevant as possible so no one thinks I'm a threat but no one really wants to get rid of me either. Gotta focus on those INDIVIDUAL RELATIONSHIPS. Hopefully these other players with more TS's under their belts become bigger shields than me because if not... yikes on yikes.

ROB

I like everyone so far. Evan is giving me a few red flags because he’s only giving me one word answers, so i might take that into consideration when voting.

FOXX

We had a very fun group call with the tribe last night. Definitely haven’t laughed that much in a while. Love my tribe thus far so I hope we can keep the good vibes going. Jess & Stoner are people I feel like have talked with me the most Nd Olivia, Owen, & Michael are also friendly so I think I have options. One thing I’ve noticed is how casual and sociable this tribe is. Nothing is more frustrating than a tribe full of overserious gamebots (*cough* Selwyn *cough*) but it’s a group of funny and chill people. It’s gonna be a great game!

OLIVIA

I love these hosts 🙂 HATE the idol system but honestly it doesn’t change much I’ve never gotten an idol before and probably never will so it won’t change my gameplay lmao

I like Isaac a lot too! Forgot to say. But I’m also a little wary of him because I know he’s very experienced

JULIAN

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKDvx7VxRC8

ANABEL

well. yesterday i found an idol on my second guess. and made two new friends. so yesterday was great. today was bad. i outed myself. my mom heard me tell my eyebrow lady that i was gay. this is a sad confessional and i wish i wasn’t so loud. im real fucking sad. sorry. but at least i have an idol and some friends.

LEIGH

Time to put on a bra and take some selfies.

I'm glad I shaved today for that tattoo selfie.

OLIVIA

There’s an alliance I’m not in isn’t there

Why am I so FUCKING awkward

ANABEL

im so fucking good at survivor like... good lord. trent and i are like best friends already (see, i knew this would happen, i always meet a nice old usually straight man and we become friends, it's like the hallmark of my survivor experiences) and we came up w a plan where i am gonna try and seduce evan and rob and make them my lil minions so im gonna lie to them and tell them that im a cheerleader bc that's hot right?? so ya my womanly charms will be utilized to their fullest potential. go me.

MICHAEL

https://youtu.be/aAqEUHoyy78

LEIGH

Can we talk about how bullshit it is to have "Lipstick in your tribe's color" when we're yellow and they're RED?  Honest to god might as well have "Lemon in your tribe's color" to make it fair.

Alex coming in with bold capslock "MAKE SURE EVERYONE ON YOUR TEAM HAS SUBMITTED AT LEAST ONE THING" ... Just DM Evan directly my dude.

OLIVIA

Feeling much better about this game today than I was last night I think I was just spiraling 🥰 we’re doing really well on the challenge and I hope we win!! Two people messaged me saying I’m doing great on the challenge and idk how to respond. Just tryna make sure we don’t lose I will NOT be the first vote out. Newbies go hard on scavenger hunts but I go even harder 😈

LORELEI

Ok so! I'm super bummed that obor lost the challenge, I really thought we would win! Now we have to get rid of someone and it sucks but I feel like we all know who it has to be. It's not even personal, it's just the fairest thing and the best thing for our tribe. Also, alliances are forming! I like Anabel, Leigh and Trent so I'm with them but I'm gonna try to connect with everyone so I'm not on the outskirts. I hope that the boys haven't formed an all boys alliance bc if they have, then the girls could be in danger. That's it for now!

STONER

guess I’ll follow Alex crook’s rules... https://youtu.be/ndsfCdjtcQI

Not much, about to sleep! https://youtu.be/v12a2AbklVw

MICHAEL

https://youtu.be/4inKBNkg87M

JESS

It's 2:30am so WHY NOT post ANOTHER confessional? Am I right? Honestly, we won which I'm BEYOND THANKFUL for. I hate tribal and I can now at least say I wasn't first boot. THANK GAGA. I'm just really trying to solidify things with Michael right now. I think out of everyone on my current tribe I can honestly see myself making a run at this game with him (at least up until merge). I offered him the prospect of sharing idol clues (it's literally the only collateral I have at the moment) so hopefully this doesn't bite me in the fucking ass. Other than Michael I was kind of hoping to somehow get closer to both Julian and Matt (plot twist I know). Matt has hosted me before and it's no secret he is a founding father of the "I Hate Jess" Club. However, these two seem to be the odd men out right now. They aren't overly socializing with people so there's a high chance they'll be taken out if our current tribe loses. HOWEVER.. I see potential numbers in them. So I can't let that happen. As of right now both Foxx and Stoner seem to be the ones to watch out for. I just can't let them think or know... that I know that about them. Stoner gives me mega "I say the same things to everyone" vibes. He's clearly playing a strong social game so far. I just need to play dumb and ensure that he thinks he can control/trust me. Honestly, as soon as he doesn't see value in me I have no doubt he's gonna cut me. Foxx on the other hand, just seems like he's playing too hard. He's another guy who I strongly believe is going to drop me as soon as I have no value to him. I'm just going to have to have to lay low and be dumb. Owen scares me shitless. He's giving me PTSD from my last season because homeboy is playing a strong contender game. He's definitely a pick to win. He's another person who I'm going to have to try and pretend I'm under their spell. Am I playing too hard too fast? I'm not entirely sure. I'm just going to slow my role a bit and see what happens

MATT

What’s Up? WHAT’S UP?!?!?!?  how dare you ask me such a ludicrous question.  Alright so first real general confessional of the game here.  I wanna eventually try and record some video confessionals, but that’s if i have the time. but for today, we’re good with a text.   So starting off the game on the Cahaya Tribe, which consists of entirely returnees.  So right off the bat it makes nervous bc i’m really not around much in the community.  Yeah i’m in a few VL’s and i played once before, but i really don’t know anyone.  So being the odd one out for that reason was a real fear for a little bit. Looking at my tribe, there are a few names that stood out the most to me.  Owen stood out bc we both played Kuwait, and even tho we never met each other, we still have that little connection.  Chris motherfucking Stoner is here too!!  Chris is such a chill dude.  we played together once before and i voted him out pre swap.  But that game was so long ago, and i really don’t think he cares (i know i dont).  So i’m looking forward to reconnecting with him.  Jess is also here!! Jess and I had met previously because i hosted her in Celestial Komnata, and we had some rough misunderstandings there.  But months have passed and I know that I am well over it bc i frankly don’t care.  But i feel like she still probably cares which will not be good for me. Michael was the last person that stood out to me.  Not because I know him, or know of him.  But because he’s the only Non-North American in the cast, which means if i can stay up late and socialize with him, he might favor me over other When i looked at the other tribe, i think the only person i know is Anabel?  We played together once, i hosted her, so we have somewhat of a connection that if we swap together, i hope that works in my favor.   So on the first night of the game, i was very busy with Celestial All stars premiere, so i didn’t get to talk as much as i would’ve liked.  which resulted in me telling jones on call like 5 times that i’m gonna be first boot.  But the first night, i talked with everyone (to some degree) except Issac bc i forgot Issac was here.   The torch twist thing i have no idea what it’s going to be and it worries me.  My first thought is that it somehow would result in a third tribe bc there were six torches.  so someone would light a torch and be placed on that tribe. But it’s too early to figure out what they even mean and i’m sure as the game progresses.  

LEIGH

Woooo so what's happened.  Well, we lost the challenge and it wasn't even close. I haven't looked at the spreadsheet to see the final scores but I feel like Me, Trent, and Anabell did the most work.  I talked to a few people last night and put Evan's name out there cuz I know most people are too scared to say a name first and I feel comfortable enough about my position to be the one to say a name that most people should agree with. A mutual alliance formed between me, Chris, Trent, Anabell, and Lorelei.  Within it, an all girls 3 alliance formed which I'm super happy to be part of.  I'm sure Trent will be paranoid about that sooner or later so hopefully Chris and I can make him feel confident.  Trent is sharing idol guesses with me so I'm hoping that means I'm like the closest person to him right now.  I like the number of options I have so far. 

I feel like Facebook might be falling out of style so maybe these youngin's don't even have it or aren't familiar with Facebook ORGs.  The only other people here who know my history as far as I know are Foxx and Chris, and I hope neither of them bring it up. If I can stay UTR that'd be nice.  Also, I think I need to stop capitalizing letters/using punctuation if I wanna fit in with these kids.  Did I already confessionalize that? Not sure.

Apparently Lorelei missed the HII thing day one haha oh well. I'm compiling guesses from me, Chris, and Trent. Hopefully I'll get them from the girls too. I'm not showing the girls' guesses to Chris though. I don't think he'll be mad at me for it. We gotta play close to the vest sometimes yo

TRENT

So far I think the game is going alright. My tribe is incredibly quiet for some reason but I guess that isn't too bad. I made a connection with Anabel and Leigh pretty early on. Decided to suggestion and alliance and both we in so I added Chris and Lorelei so we had a majority. This is the alliance I wanted from the beginning. I wanted the older people to stick together and then add in one young one. I think it's a pretty solid idea. Ive been messaging both kenny and dylan as well. I don't want an alliance with them, but I would like for them to like me and want me to stay in. I also think im getting along pretty well with the two infiltrators right now. Julian was spilling all kinds of info about his tribe to me this morning and then me and owen connected really well. Hopefully this will help me in the future if there is a split soon.

OLIVIA

Jess was hinting that her, foxx, stoner, and I should get together and I said we’d make a nifty cool group. A NIFTY COOL GROUP WHAT THE FUCK IS A NIFTY COOL OLIVIA

ISAAC

This twist can become SO detrimental. And I’m so MAD Owen went over there first because that bitch is unbelievably charismatic. Hopefully it paints a bigger target on him but like it’s whatever. I like my tribe. We seem chill and I seem to vibe the most with Olivia and Jessica Messica. Foxx is cool. Julian is....Julian ig. Matt has yet to talk to me so that’s a wig ig. Michael seems nice but ngl I get kinda bored when I try to talk to him? He seems very gamebot-y which could be frightening but idk he’s not my biggest problem atm. I’m terrified of Owen - he’s unbelievably charismatic and has the ability to twist people around his finger so like I’m gonna keep my eye on him and I’m not gonna let him out of my sight. With that being said I do wanna see him live for at least a little while for meat-shield purposes. Anyways I hope I do well this game but 👀 I have a sinking feeling.

KENNY

So yeah.. it seemed like a pretty laxxed day and Evan was the vote. How true is that? Idk but I have to trust strangers. But just heard he through my name out like 20 minutes ago, with less than 3 hours to go. So I just hope everyone’s being honest 😭

OWEN

what’s up? Everything :’) I couldn’t help as much in the scav hunt as I liked because I was living my life. But thankfully we won anyways bc my tribe kicked ass! I still contributed some and I made sure to keep talking to people. I still love olivia, and matt has been fun to talk to. Don’t rlly know why but foxx seems hard to get to know. And not big into michael rn either. I think I will stick with Julian and chris, hopefully can pull in jess and olivia to do something if we lose. Chris mentioned that both him and jess DO like foxx so we will see.... The main thing is that this twist worked out perfectly for me!!!! I couldn’t call when we were decided and I REALLY wanted to go. Thankfully I was able to take advantage of the majority vote thing and pretend like I wasn’t online hehe and by some miracle I got picked to go. MEANT TO BEEE and let me say I was right, I do love this tribe so much more than my own for some reason. Trent is great, Annabel and I are talking like I wanted, the Chicago girl and the Pokémon mystery dungeon girl. It’s so good over here, but the biggest surprise has been chris o. I really like him and could see myself working well with him if we swap. The only thing is that Julian said he was sketchy sometimes..... hehe so down the road I might have to tell chris o that Julian is after him :~) but I don’t need to snake too hard yet, for right now I’m a crocodile lookin like a log. Vote should be easy on Evan from what I’ve heard but if it changes? I’ll be living for the drama!

LORELEI

It looks like Evan is the consensus. I feel really bad though because it's not his fault. He tried to plead his case with me by saying that he wasn't the only one that was inactive, but that doesn't change the fact that he contributed the least. I know it's the fair thing to do but I feel bad about it. Voting out people is so not fun, I really hope we win the next challenge so I won't have to do this again.

EVAN

I’m pretty sure I’m fucked. I’ve been trying to get people to vote Kenny but idk fuck

KENNY

“I know I’M voting Evan = I might be voting Evan but I know others are voting you”. Or am I being paranoid

JULIAN

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaH8l2R-Xt0

MATT

i feel like i did pretty good on the scavenger hunt.  i managed to scoop up a bunch of items that were left over and some that were high points.  so i do feel good about my performance and think i pulled my weight.  Speaking of pulling weight...Julian is...there.  I think he only submitted one item which was the Vine.  I mean i get you have work and are busy, but like...most of us were the same?  even issac who was celebrating his birthday did more.   after challenge results we got on call in the tribe chat (olivia, chris, michael, myself). and we were talking about the infiltrator twist and the challenge results.  We agreed to have myself and Olivia go, but we needed 5 for a majority.  Julian shows up and says he “might wanna go tbh”.  and then disappears.  We’re on call laughing bc we wanna submit this and not randomize it, so someone who isn’t here gets forced to go.  BUT JULIAN won’t talk in tribechat even tho we’re all like, “hey we’ll take turns and you can go next time.”. but no.  Julian is only talking in olivia’s pm’s and she’s telling us whatever he’s saying. eventually the hour is up, and julian got randomized to go.  that fucker strong armed us into randomizing and he still went god damnit.   I think that call was good for my game because we were just chatting for like 1.5 hours about the game stuff and people.  After michael/chris left the call it was just Olivia and myself on call and we stayed on for another hour and a half(????? ish??? probably less i can’t remember).  But that was a nice call and i think helped start to solidify a bond.  Olivia is someone i can see myself working with in this game.  Same goes for Michael and Chris.  I feel like that call group was pretty natural and we got along really well.  I’m too nervous to initiate any kind of alliance talk, but i know it’s gonna have to happen eventually.  i’m sure alliances already exist on the tribe and i’m obviously not in them.  I think for starters, i need to work on conversations a bit more, because they are somewhat weak right now.  My goal for the future is to work on olivia, michael, chris and owen.  Those are the people i feel most good about.  Foxx is cool but idk it seems hard to gel with them.  Julian is cracked and i hope he’s our first boot.  and the four of us on call forgot issac was on the tribe so that’s not good for him. i think i’m in a decent position for now, but i’m not gonna count my chickens before they hatch (i think that’s the saying idfk)

[saintkimora]

well here is how my past 3-5 dates w joel have gone this past week

so! ive been spending the night w him p much every other night. so our 4th date was like 8 days ago. i got there and i THOUGHT we were gonna be in his room again but we were in his room for 2 seconds then he came in like “oh btw my roommates are making us go in the living room and be social” so i was like ..................................................rip i was like here i go its time for the caleb and leeann applebees date 2.0 :/ so we went in to the living room and it was with marissa and lindsey bc his other roommate was out. so everyone was like wtf are we gonna do so after some talking joel decided we would all watch the babadook on netflix since we were talking about the meme and most of us hadnt seen it. i hate scary movies but i figured i could get through it since i had joel to hold on to and since the babadook is like a meme now. so yeah it was fine i got along ok w the roommates and the movie wasnt that scary except for one part. there was one point where i felt like i was starting to shut down a little and i was feeling bad about possibly ruining things again but i asked joel afterwards and he didnt even notice lmao so i dont think it was as bad as i thought

lindsey went to bed halfway through the movie so it was just me joel and marissa by the end. after the movie marissa went into her room and joel and i went back to his room. idk if this next part happened at this point or if it happened on our next date bc its hard for me to keep the timeline straight since it all happens so fast lol so regardless of what day it was this was the next significant thing that happened w me and joel

so i was watching him play overwatch or something and his brother called him on the phone and they had a long conversation about joels financial situation while i was just sitting there lol. so afterwards joel put his head in my lap and explained all his problems to me about how hes so stressed out with money and stuff. and like obv i felt really bad for him bc that sucks. BUT i actually kinda liked it bc i liked how vulnerable and genuine he was being! it made me feel a lot closer to him. then we watched these olds 80s (?) game shows w his head still in my lap (one of them was like some knockoff of snatch game but w regular celebrities instead of drag queens omg) and he had the FUNNIEST commentary about all the old commercials and stuff lol i havent laughed that hard in a LONG time so it was really nice

and idk if this happened that night or the babadook night but i ate his ass again and once again it was a religious experience like his ass is SOOOOOOOO nice i still cant get over it lmao

so then fast forward to the next 2 days later and for whatever reason joel and i werent planning on meeting that night. but he texted me at like 2am telling me he was feeling kinda down about things and how he wished i was there w him rn so i decided to go visit him! and like he kept being like “i dont wanna bother you/i feel bad about always making you come all the way out here for me” and how he wasnt used to guys putting in so much effort and caring about him so much and like...it really wasnt that serious like it wasnt a hindrance to me at all bc i wanted to see him anyways lol but it did make me feel kinda bad for him bc like his old bfs must have been real flops for him to view me just doing decent bf things as like these grand gestures. i have more to say on this but it will be towards the end of the post

so yeah i showered and got there by like 3am. he set up his futon since it was bigger than his bed so we would have more room. and he talked to me about how stressed he was about money and medical school applications and how he felt kinda worthless so i listened to him and comforted him and all that stuff. then we watched the rpdr reunion together and it was SO much fun omg he was shook p much the whole time since it was so iconic. then we went to sleep since i had work in the morning

also like the night after that we were texting and i told him i was really tired and he was like but youre never tired and i was like ya but i had 2 full days of work and i barely got any sleep last night (which was bc i was awake w him until like 5am) and i realized afterwards that it was kinda mean of me to say it bc to me i was just explaining why i was tired but he was already feeling like a burden making me drive all the way there and comfort him so telling him how tired i was probably made him feel bad about asking me for comfort which is NOT how i want him to feel bc i want him to be able to request my help whenever he needs it. so i could tell he was kinda caught off guard by me saying it so i called him and apologized and we cleared it all up. anyways it was just nice to actually call him and discuss the issue and resolve it without any drama. and he said it meant a lot that i even called him to make sure he was feeling ok so it seems that at least i did something right 

there was the next date which was pretty much the same as usual. this time i watched him play diablo 3. but this time we also fooled around and he made me cum and then i was trying to make him cum but i fell asleep bc i was so tired asfnkjashdasna i felt SOOOOOOOOO bad when i woke up that morning :( i apologized and he said it was fine and he was tired too but i still felt bad about it

so then last night/this morning was our most recent date. when i got there a friend of him/his roommates named chris was using his room bc he was playing overwatch so i had to hang out w joel marissa and lindsey in the living room. it was extremely nerve wracking and i was sweating like crazy but i tried to hide my nervousness and socialize. lindsey and marissa seem to like me esp bc i brought joel a gift that day (hes like obsessed w friends and i saw a friends t shirt when i was shopping that day so i got it for him lol) also lindsey is iconic bc she is so wacky shes always getting on the floor and doing weird poses and moves and stunts. and marissa is p funny so i like them both. but still having to talk to them was stressful even though theyre both really nice. lindsey walked into joels room later that night when he was laying down and i was sitting on top of him and said she wanted to join and then later when joel was in the kitchen she came in the doorway and asked if i could be her boyfriend asfjkafndsjnkajs now THIS is a cracked queen

so the rest of the night was nice! we watched like 3 drag race s5 eps on amazon video and we did lots of cuddling and stuff as usual. then we went to bed and we woke up and we fooled around and we BOTH came this time. it was difficult for me trying to get him to cum but i had to power through it bc i had to redeem myself after last time. then i watched him play overwatch and then i watched him play destiny. i really enjoyed it! like i was sitting there cuddling a cute guy and watching him play videogames w both of us shirtless like that is literally all i want and i finally have it!

so yeah! its going really well w joel at the moment. we get along really well and i like his sense of humor and its nice having someone w similar interests to mine! and i love playing w his hair and touching his nice soft belly and his thick thighs and playing w his beard. and i looooooooooooooooooooovvvveeeeeee his voice so much omg the way he says certain words is so cute and hes always making cute weird noises and its super endearing. and i LOVE love love being able to cuddle w someone until we both fall asleep and then waking up together! its so nice 

he doesnt seem to be losing interest in me yet which is good. however this is the issue that i mentioned earlier that i would come back to. so hes constantly telling me about how hes not used to being w someone that puts in so much effort and treats him so well. so that got me thinking. like...obv he likes me at least a little but i have a feeling he might like me a lot more rn bc he isnt used to being treated so nicely. so like, after the initial novelty of being treated like this wears off im afraid he’ll realize he doesnt actually like me that much (like if it ends up being more of a he likes the way i make him feel more than he actually likes me as a person). so im kinda worried about that but im hoping it doesnt happen obv and that he continues to like me. and again. we’ve been in somewhat social situations together now since i had to talk to his 2 roommates but it really wasnt easy for me at all. and we still havent actually gone “out” and done something, like going out to eat or attending a function together or something. so i still have to wait and see how we’re able to interact in those situations before i can determine whether our relationship will work out. im also still too nervous to eat in front of him so whenever he asks if im hungry i lie and say no even though majority of the time i am actually really hungry :/ rip

so yeah thats p much it! its pretty nice atm, except for the issues i just mentioned. also last night joel told me that one of his hookup buddies was back in town the other day and texted him but he had to turn him down and tell him that he is with someone now (me) so that was nice to know! since he seems to view us as exclusive now. we still havent officially decided we are in a relationship but im really in no rush to do that since its only been like a week and a half so i want to continue getting to know him and stuff. i still do feel that he is gonna lose interest at some point but rn it seems that will be later rather than sooner so i am just trying to take it day by day. im also worried about greece since ill be gone for a month so it is very possible that he might meet someone else that he likes more during that time which would really suck. but im kinda just operating on the assumption that its what is gonna happen that way if it does happen i wont be too shocked and if it doesnt happen ill be pleasantly surprised

so yeah thats it, overall its going really well and im having a lot of fun with him! hopefully things continue on this path and we get even closer bc i really like him so far

[sabergowitz]

GHD

Groundhog Day Broadway reaction post!!!! I’ve been waiting to see it for like a year and a half, and boy howdy do I like this show. I saw one preview, opening night, and once front row! General thoughts, plus a section at the bottom for opening night specifically (aka me stressing unnecessarily about his injury)

Disclaimer one: I wrote about spoilers, stuff I like, stuff I don’t like, staging, the whole nine. largely show-chronological. may not make sense to you unless you’ve seen the show

Disclaimer two: I wrote this on a bus in the middle of the night so it is not the most coherent. 

tl;dr all the people who say “i’m too busy literally spinning on bill murray’s dick to even consider seeing this show” can suck my fucking toe

ACT I

one of the screens in the beginning shows phil talking about the weather on mars? wot is tha abah

that beginning-of-frozen/come from away swag in ‘there will be sun’, that mountain sound. one of the reviewers pointed this out too

I saw one of the reviewers say that not one song was memorable to them after the show??? I don’t know what they were smoking, because I’ve had ‘day one’/””””small town usa”””” stuck in my head since I first saw it

the punxsutawney jingle is so disneyland-ready it’s scary

barrett never enunciates "flood" story. the first time I heard it I was like "blood story? wat"

Also re: barrett -- she fits the character so well and I LOVE her singing voice!!! I think her acting is mostly In Service Of andy, which, duh -- but I’d like her to (and I have confidence she will) make it her own/a little more individual/idiosyncratic. Just the three performances I’ve seen I think she’s growing into it/getting more comfy :3

the "with a kiss- twist!" gets a little laugh, but following it up with "/fuck/" just tickles me every time hehe

love how the point they freeze at in ‘there will be sun’ is right before the sunrise/"oh if i could i'd will these clouds away" stuff - which all happens once phil is freed, and he watches the sunrise with rita :')

I LOVE ned’s chopped and screwed jingle on the third go around. it's like five seconds but it's so good at setting the mood. I am Frankly Appalled that the jingle isn’t on the cast recording, you don’t get the full impact of ‘night will come’ then

did not see ned’s pedo stache on my first two viewings, it grrrrosses me out and is not even ghd-movie-canonical, why this

the drunk driving joke always gets a big laugh which makes me a bit uncomfy

‘nobody cares’ is so FUCKING good. I esp like "shoot some cans, crack some cans, shoot the breeze". I wish they’d perform it at the tonys but alas….

… okay an Aside for tonys performance thoughts: I’d love them to perform ‘nobody cares’ but it would kind of waste andy and I feel like they’d want him prominent. Plus the big car is run on the turntables, which they wouldn’t have on that stage, but maybe they could just block it differently. ‘hope’ would obviously be fucking incredible but I think it’s too Dark and staging-complicated for the tonys. I have a feeling we’re gonna get ‘if I had my time again’ which is fffffine but a little generic for my taste. Obviously the solution is ‘seeing you’, pls. okay moving on (ETA: they are apparently doing a medley that includes one of the Days. I am Nervous about this choice)

still don’t know how they do the bag blowing across the stage so well in ‘philanderer’! I don’t see a string or anything and it blows so realistically

also, important note: when he goes behind the door with nancy and is making ~sex noises~, he is actually in real time also thrusting/writhing up on her, I saw it with my eyes lordy lou

"me, in all my finery! and you, in your - practical attire!" makes me laugh EVERY time I just love how andy delivers it

the shining armor masturbation joke never lands and I think barrett have given up on trying to telegraph it super clearly haha

"same! that is my favorite drink!" handonchest.jpeg

rita's constant response to phil’s sleaziness is "grow up" -- which, I understand that is what they're trying to push thematically for phil? but like grown ass men aren't doing gross ass shit every day???

“for me modesty is second only to humility" is the laugh line for me but "my humility is legend" always gets it

in ‘one day’ when rita sings “metrosexual”, phil points to himself like “me? why you gotta call me out wtf”

in the snowball fight scene, once when rita’s turned away, phil turns to the kids and mouths “FUCK OFF” with hand gestures, I screamed

love how phil’s “fictional man” hits at the same time as rita’s “actual man”, and they’re both right, and they’re both wrong

ACT II

okay ‘playing nancy’. I see what they were going for with this song, but I think we can all agree that “it’s better to be leered at than not desired at all” is A Bad Take, Greg. whatever, none of the reviewers like this song either, it gives people time to get back to their seats ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ not only is the content strange, but it’s kind of boring musically/melodically too. also I think it’s fucky that they have nancy be a sympathetic character for “taking what men give her”, but shit on rita’s ‘one day’ farm girl for doing the same thing? idk, I haven’t really unpacked all my thoughts about it but it’s not keeping me up at night. they tried, they largely got there, whatevs

the shooting scene before ‘hope’ was so shocking to me when I first saw it, but ‘hope’ itself was just thrilling and exciting. music fixes everything I guess

I love ‘everything about you’, it really struck me in the sternum the first time I saw the show. I’m a BIG sucker for very simplistic imagery communicating larger ideas of love or death or whatever (see also: underwater from caroline or change, origin of love from hedwig and the angry inch)

also “you thought jesus was going to appear from the dark” in your bedroom is totally ripped from the headlines of tim minchin’s life (right? I remember a very similar anecdote from an interview of his) ETA: YES

‘if i had my time again’ is fun and fine!! for me there’s not enough blocking/telegraphing of phil ~truly falling for~ rita. you get some of it in the tilt-a-whirls but it’s pretty hard to follow visually. this song is like a slightly less effective ‘when you’re home’? “feels like you’re showing me around your hometown”, yanno.

“and I would be a lot more zen” immediately followed by “and I would punch a lot of men” same girl

also phil holds the hot dog for SO LONG in this song, I didn’t realize. like for more than half of the song he’s holding this hot dog rita handed to him near the beginning ahahaha

andy karl gets the tony award for best coat-ography, whipping that shit around his shoulders twenty times a show

ned ryerson’s ballad about death is one of my favorite songs, which is a sentence tim minchin made me type with my own two goddamn hands. and john sanders sings it sooooo well I love it. (I like him singing it live better than some of the vocal choices he made on the cast recording)

if I think too hard about what phil is actually doing?? or trying to accomplish?? during that moment it fucks me up so hard. sisyphian 4 real

also the staging at the end of the number, phil (who is dark) following in step behind ned (who is lit) fuck meeee

‘philanthropy’ is the most joyous I have ever been in a theater fight me

also vishal did the whole number and then came back on and was supes sweaty in a tuxedo plus coat, poor thing

and then when all the sound is sucked out of the room and seeing you kicks in I’m d o n e :’’’’’’’’))))))))))

when the final scene comes around and it was clear he had been freed, a lady behind me scoffed and said too loud, “he’s broken out of it now. watch.” and I was like DEBORAH WE’RE ALL AWARE OF THE MOVIE your insight is not necessary pipe down pls

matthew warchus has a talent for ending shows with lovely simple artistic vignettes (ms honey and matilda cartwheeling towards a tiny house, phil and rita with their arms around each other bathed in sunrise) :’)

OPENING NIGHT

maybe it was just me because i had too much coffee beforehand? but I think during the first half I/the audience, plus andy himself, were a little tense/stiff/high strung? not quite ~in the groove~. it is a very anxiety-inducing first half to be fair. (plus it was literally opening night, so.) some of the audience was v aware he was injured: at one point putting on his shoes he almost slipped off the bed platform and a bunch of people gasped/winced. I swear I saw him at one point (when he was stage left, not in the spotlight yet) wave off “no im fine” to someone in the wings. I took deep breaths during intermission to zen out tho, and once he nailed ‘hope’ I was like pshaw we good

he was not quiiiite limping but almost. was stiff. at "with what a dixie cup" I saw him like ~hobbling off the stage :( and he was pulling his punches somewhat with the physical comedy, but I only knew that because I saw him do it at full strength at the preview. I don't think it was obvious to first timers. he didn't go Full Loony Slapstick Panic Attack, it was more like real ass nervous and Stressed, which just made ME stressed because I didn't know if he was struggling injury wise or not

he really gave his all in the slick dancing of ‘philandering’ tho. and everyone was cheering him on, it was great

“one lonely people? c’mon...” *extends his leg with knee brace up onto a diner stool, gestures to it, massages his thigh, literally two distinct applause breaks* “aren't you even curious?”

he kept bending down as the snowball fight scene warrants and I was like BUDDY PLS

in ‘hope’ “there will be mornings you’ll be utterly defeated by your laces” got LAUGHS, I was upset. but people gave crazy cheers each time he woke up again. he just crushed it like fuckin YEAH

when the bell chimes started in for philanthropy my heart rate skyrocketed. instead of doing a silly gangly full on sprint like he did uninjured, he did like, tiny running? in the style of a powerwalker? it was still very comedic and good

‘seeing you’: he broke down/cracked a bit on “I know nothing” and paused, looked upstage, looked at barrett, looked out at the audience, and continued. READER I CRIED

[neilmillerne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear.

After 16 hours in the car over two days, I wanted to challenge my body and get into nature.

I looked up hikes near me in El Paso Texas, searching for something that would take at least a few hours and provide a real challenge. I had been processing a lot of heavy emotional stuff and my gut told me I needed something really hard.

Nevermind the fact that I’ve never hiked alone before and don’t know wtf I’m doing, I found a trail, downloaded the All Trails app, and got started.

About 60 seconds into this hike I realized that I was the only person on the trails and that, as a solo female, I should have brought a knife or pepper spray or something. I had been nervous about rattlesnakes and getting lost or hurt, but it hadn’t occurred to me until that moment that I was heading out into the middle of nowhere on the border of Mexico alone, and that possibly I was being very, very stupid.

I stopped and stood there, and felt all this fear come up in my body, tensing my muscles and turning the sunny dry landscape into a scene from a horror film. I imagined my mom finding out how I died.

I thought about heading back to my car, driving back to my hotel, and getting a workout in the hotel gym there where nobody was likely to rape or murder me. After a minute I decided, quite literally, that I would rather be raped or murdered than live my life in fear.

This is a decision I made a long time ago, and I stand by it. Scary things happen, especially to women, but I refuse to let that dictate how I live my life. (Note: this is not a suggestion for anyone else, just what I decided for me.)

So I set off, determined, but still uncomfortable. For the first hour or so all I could think about was what I would do if I ran into a man or group of men in the middle of nowhere.

I was irritated, since I had set out to do some important emotional processing, and instead found myself considering if I would still go into a freeze response at this point in my life, or if I would go into fight mode and get myself killed instead.

I was still thinking about this when I realized the trail was completely unmarked, and getting hellishly steep, and covered in rock skree that slid around so much I had to put my hands down to climb it. I remembered the rattlesnake warning on the internet, and thought… well, now would be a really good time to turn back. I’d been out there for an hour and only covered one mile, surely that was plenty?

Something deep in my gut told me I needed to keep going though. I needed to overcome this fear, to feel it and conquer it, and succeed at what I had set out to do.

So I kept going.

I thought about turning back many more times over the next few hours as the trail turned out to be extremely difficult. My legs were complete jello, my hands had little cactus prickers in them, my feet were covered in blisters, I had no idea where the trail was, and my phone was close to dying.

I swore a lot, I talked out loud to myself, and I seriously questioned my decision-making skills in life.

It was fucking glorious.

On the second peak, back in the sun, I was suddenly overcome with euphoria. The views were gorgeous, I realized that even if my phone died I would still probably be able to make it back to my car, I had run into one older gentleman who did not rape or murder me, and I had yet to see a rattlesnake.

The next hour I spent awash in pride and joy, so grateful I had listened to my heart and soul and kept going, and feeling like I could conquer the world.

I started thinking about how true confidence is built in these moments, when you do things you didn’t think you could do, and when you choose to keep going.

Interestingly, I wasn’t proud of the fact that the hike had gone well, since that wasn’t exactly in my control. Instead, I was proud that I had chosen the brave thing instead of the safe thing.

Which, really, has been the defining quality of my own personal sense of self-worth throughout my life.

Many of my clients tell me that their idea of “success” in life is a feeling-state, a feeling of calm, happiness, gratitude, or a lack of fear. They say that when they “achieve confidence” they think they will no longer feel anxious, self-conscious, afraid, jealous or insecure.

But, first of all, you cannot stop yourself from feeling fear, or anxiety, or anything else. Feelings are not in our control.

And second of all, it is, in fact, through the very facing of these feelings that you gain access to the pride, empowerment, and confidence that my clients crave.

If I hadn’t been afraid when I began this hike, I wouldn’t have been euphoric when I finished.

If you want a strong, stable sense of self-worth it must come from something which is always in your control, so I highly recommend basing it on behaviors rather than feelings. For me that has always come down to courage.

Since I was 18 and went skydiving, I have methodically explored my inner world to identify what scares me most, and then gone and faced that exact thing. In this way, my sense of self is built firmly upon stable ground, and I can tap into confidence anytime I want by making choices that align with my deepest value.

Fear always accompanies me on my courageous acts. If she didn’t, the act wouldn’t require any courage, and wouldn’t be meaningful to me. (And if I waited for her to leave before taking action, I would never have done anything at all.)

In this way, I am deeply grateful to my own fear, because she has given me the greatest moments of my life.

The other day Fear hiked with me for at least the first 2.5 or 3 miles. At a certain point on the hike though I looked around and realized she was gone, and in her place were Confidence, Gratitude, Joy,  and Pride.

That’s how it always works.

Yours in courage and pride,

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://bit.ly/2SdyHBo

[johnclapperne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear.

After 16 hours in the car over two days, I wanted to challenge my body and get into nature.

I looked up hikes near me in El Paso Texas, searching for something that would take at least a few hours and provide a real challenge. I had been processing a lot of heavy emotional stuff and my gut told me I needed something really hard.

Nevermind the fact that I’ve never hiked alone before and don’t know wtf I’m doing, I found a trail, downloaded the All Trails app, and got started.

About 60 seconds into this hike I realized that I was the only person on the trails and that, as a solo female, I should have brought a knife or pepper spray or something. I had been nervous about rattlesnakes and getting lost or hurt, but it hadn’t occurred to me until that moment that I was heading out into the middle of nowhere on the border of Mexico alone, and that possibly I was being very, very stupid.

I stopped and stood there, and felt all this fear come up in my body, tensing my muscles and turning the sunny dry landscape into a scene from a horror film. I imagined my mom finding out how I died.

I thought about heading back to my car, driving back to my hotel, and getting a workout in the hotel gym there where nobody was likely to rape or murder me. After a minute I decided, quite literally, that I would rather be raped or murdered than live my life in fear.

This is a decision I made a long time ago, and I stand by it. Scary things happen, especially to women, but I refuse to let that dictate how I live my life. (Note: this is not a suggestion for anyone else, just what I decided for me.)

So I set off, determined, but still uncomfortable. For the first hour or so all I could think about was what I would do if I ran into a man or group of men in the middle of nowhere.

I was irritated, since I had set out to do some important emotional processing, and instead found myself considering if I would still go into a freeze response at this point in my life, or if I would go into fight mode and get myself killed instead.

I was still thinking about this when I realized the trail was completely unmarked, and getting hellishly steep, and covered in rock skree that slid around so much I had to put my hands down to climb it. I remembered the rattlesnake warning on the internet, and thought… well, now would be a really good time to turn back. I’d been out there for an hour and only covered one mile, surely that was plenty?

Something deep in my gut told me I needed to keep going though. I needed to overcome this fear, to feel it and conquer it, and succeed at what I had set out to do.

So I kept going.

I thought about turning back many more times over the next few hours as the trail turned out to be extremely difficult. My legs were complete jello, my hands had little cactus prickers in them, my feet were covered in blisters, I had no idea where the trail was, and my phone was close to dying.

I swore a lot, I talked out loud to myself, and I seriously questioned my decision-making skills in life.

It was fucking glorious.

On the second peak, back in the sun, I was suddenly overcome with euphoria. The views were gorgeous, I realized that even if my phone died I would still probably be able to make it back to my car, I had run into one older gentleman who did not rape or murder me, and I had yet to see a rattlesnake.

The next hour I spent awash in pride and joy, so grateful I had listened to my heart and soul and kept going, and feeling like I could conquer the world.

I started thinking about how true confidence is built in these moments, when you do things you didn’t think you could do, and when you choose to keep going.

Interestingly, I wasn’t proud of the fact that the hike had gone well, since that wasn’t exactly in my control. Instead, I was proud that I had chosen the brave thing instead of the safe thing.

Which, really, has been the defining quality of my own personal sense of self-worth throughout my life.

Many of my clients tell me that their idea of “success” in life is a feeling-state, a feeling of calm, happiness, gratitude, or a lack of fear. They say that when they “achieve confidence” they think they will no longer feel anxious, self-conscious, afraid, jealous or insecure.

But, first of all, you cannot stop yourself from feeling fear, or anxiety, or anything else. Feelings are not in our control.

And second of all, it is, in fact, through the very facing of these feelings that you gain access to the pride, empowerment, and confidence that my clients crave.

If I hadn’t been afraid when I began this hike, I wouldn’t have been euphoric when I finished.

If you want a strong, stable sense of self-worth it must come from something which is always in your control, so I highly recommend basing it on behaviors rather than feelings. For me that has always come down to courage.

Since I was 18 and went skydiving, I have methodically explored my inner world to identify what scares me most, and then gone and faced that exact thing. In this way, my sense of self is built firmly upon stable ground, and I can tap into confidence anytime I want by making choices that align with my deepest value.

Fear always accompanies me on my courageous acts. If she didn’t, the act wouldn’t require any courage, and wouldn’t be meaningful to me. (And if I waited for her to leave before taking action, I would never have done anything at all.)

In this way, I am deeply grateful to my own fear, because she has given me the greatest moments of my life.

The other day Fear hiked with me for at least the first 2.5 or 3 miles. At a certain point on the hike though I looked around and realized she was gone, and in her place were Confidence, Gratitude, Joy,  and Pride.

That’s how it always works.

Yours in courage and pride,

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://bit.ly/2SdyHBo

[almajonesnjna]

{#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear.

After 16 hours in the car over two days, I wanted to challenge my body and get into nature.

I looked up hikes near me in El Paso Texas, searching for something that would take at least a few hours and provide a real challenge. I had been processing a lot of heavy emotional stuff and my gut told me I needed something really hard.

Nevermind the fact that I’ve never hiked alone before and don’t know wtf I’m doing, I found a trail, downloaded the All Trails app, and got started.

About 60 seconds into this hike I realized that I was the only person on the trails and that, as a solo female, I should have brought a knife or pepper spray or something. I had been nervous about rattlesnakes and getting lost or hurt, but it hadn’t occurred to me until that moment that I was heading out into the middle of nowhere on the border of Mexico alone, and that possibly I was being very, very stupid.

I stopped and stood there, and felt all this fear come up in my body, tensing my muscles and turning the sunny dry landscape into a scene from a horror film. I imagined my mom finding out how I died.

I thought about heading back to my car, driving back to my hotel, and getting a workout in the hotel gym there where nobody was likely to rape or murder me. After a minute I decided, quite literally, that I would rather be raped or murdered than live my life in fear.

This is a decision I made a long time ago, and I stand by it. Scary things happen, especially to women, but I refuse to let that dictate how I live my life. (Note: this is not a suggestion for anyone else, just what I decided for me.)

So I set off, determined, but still uncomfortable. For the first hour or so all I could think about was what I would do if I ran into a man or group of men in the middle of nowhere.

I was irritated, since I had set out to do some important emotional processing, and instead found myself considering if I would still go into a freeze response at this point in my life, or if I would go into fight mode and get myself killed instead.

I was still thinking about this when I realized the trail was completely unmarked, and getting hellishly steep, and covered in rock skree that slid around so much I had to put my hands down to climb it. I remembered the rattlesnake warning on the internet, and thought… well, now would be a really good time to turn back. I’d been out there for an hour and only covered one mile, surely that was plenty?

Something deep in my gut told me I needed to keep going though. I needed to overcome this fear, to feel it and conquer it, and succeed at what I had set out to do.

So I kept going.

I thought about turning back many more times over the next few hours as the trail turned out to be extremely difficult. My legs were complete jello, my hands had little cactus prickers in them, my feet were covered in blisters, I had no idea where the trail was, and my phone was close to dying.

I swore a lot, I talked out loud to myself, and I seriously questioned my decision-making skills in life.

It was fucking glorious.

On the second peak, back in the sun, I was suddenly overcome with euphoria. The views were gorgeous, I realized that even if my phone died I would still probably be able to make it back to my car, I had run into one older gentleman who did not rape or murder me, and I had yet to see a rattlesnake.

The next hour I spent awash in pride and joy, so grateful I had listened to my heart and soul and kept going, and feeling like I could conquer the world.

I started thinking about how true confidence is built in these moments, when you do things you didn’t think you could do, and when you choose to keep going.

Interestingly, I wasn’t proud of the fact that the hike had gone well, since that wasn’t exactly in my control. Instead, I was proud that I had chosen the brave thing instead of the safe thing.

Which, really, has been the defining quality of my own personal sense of self-worth throughout my life.

Many of my clients tell me that their idea of “success” in life is a feeling-state, a feeling of calm, happiness, gratitude, or a lack of fear. They say that when they “achieve confidence” they think they will no longer feel anxious, self-conscious, afraid, jealous or insecure.

But, first of all, you cannot stop yourself from feeling fear, or anxiety, or anything else. Feelings are not in our control.

And second of all, it is, in fact, through the very facing of these feelings that you gain access to the pride, empowerment, and confidence that my clients crave.

If I hadn’t been afraid when I began this hike, I wouldn’t have been euphoric when I finished.

If you want a strong, stable sense of self-worth it must come from something which is always in your control, so I highly recommend basing it on behaviors rather than feelings. For me that has always come down to courage.

Since I was 18 and went skydiving, I have methodically explored my inner world to identify what scares me most, and then gone and faced that exact thing. In this way, my sense of self is built firmly upon stable ground, and I can tap into confidence anytime I want by making choices that align with my deepest value.

Fear always accompanies me on my courageous acts. If she didn’t, the act wouldn’t require any courage, and wouldn’t be meaningful to me. (And if I waited for her to leave before taking action, I would never have done anything at all.)

In this way, I am deeply grateful to my own fear, because she has given me the greatest moments of my life.

The other day Fear hiked with me for at least the first 2.5 or 3 miles. At a certain point on the hike though I looked around and realized she was gone, and in her place were Confidence, Gratitude, Joy,  and Pride.

That’s how it always works.

Yours in courage and pride,

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://bit.ly/2SdyHBo

[ruthellisneda]

{#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear.

After 16 hours in the car over two days, I wanted to challenge my body and get into nature.

I looked up hikes near me in El Paso Texas, searching for something that would take at least a few hours and provide a real challenge. I had been processing a lot of heavy emotional stuff and my gut told me I needed something really hard.

Nevermind the fact that I’ve never hiked alone before and don’t know wtf I’m doing, I found a trail, downloaded the All Trails app, and got started.

About 60 seconds into this hike I realized that I was the only person on the trails and that, as a solo female, I should have brought a knife or pepper spray or something. I had been nervous about rattlesnakes and getting lost or hurt, but it hadn’t occurred to me until that moment that I was heading out into the middle of nowhere on the border of Mexico alone, and that possibly I was being very, very stupid.

I stopped and stood there, and felt all this fear come up in my body, tensing my muscles and turning the sunny dry landscape into a scene from a horror film. I imagined my mom finding out how I died.

I thought about heading back to my car, driving back to my hotel, and getting a workout in the hotel gym there where nobody was likely to rape or murder me. After a minute I decided, quite literally, that I would rather be raped or murdered than live my life in fear.

This is a decision I made a long time ago, and I stand by it. Scary things happen, especially to women, but I refuse to let that dictate how I live my life. (Note: this is not a suggestion for anyone else, just what I decided for me.)

So I set off, determined, but still uncomfortable. For the first hour or so all I could think about was what I would do if I ran into a man or group of men in the middle of nowhere.

I was irritated, since I had set out to do some important emotional processing, and instead found myself considering if I would still go into a freeze response at this point in my life, or if I would go into fight mode and get myself killed instead.

I was still thinking about this when I realized the trail was completely unmarked, and getting hellishly steep, and covered in rock skree that slid around so much I had to put my hands down to climb it. I remembered the rattlesnake warning on the internet, and thought… well, now would be a really good time to turn back. I’d been out there for an hour and only covered one mile, surely that was plenty?

Something deep in my gut told me I needed to keep going though. I needed to overcome this fear, to feel it and conquer it, and succeed at what I had set out to do.

So I kept going.

I thought about turning back many more times over the next few hours as the trail turned out to be extremely difficult. My legs were complete jello, my hands had little cactus prickers in them, my feet were covered in blisters, I had no idea where the trail was, and my phone was close to dying.

I swore a lot, I talked out loud to myself, and I seriously questioned my decision-making skills in life.

It was fucking glorious.

On the second peak, back in the sun, I was suddenly overcome with euphoria. The views were gorgeous, I realized that even if my phone died I would still probably be able to make it back to my car, I had run into one older gentleman who did not rape or murder me, and I had yet to see a rattlesnake.

The next hour I spent awash in pride and joy, so grateful I had listened to my heart and soul and kept going, and feeling like I could conquer the world.

I started thinking about how true confidence is built in these moments, when you do things you didn’t think you could do, and when you choose to keep going.

Interestingly, I wasn’t proud of the fact that the hike had gone well, since that wasn’t exactly in my control. Instead, I was proud that I had chosen the brave thing instead of the safe thing.

Which, really, has been the defining quality of my own personal sense of self-worth throughout my life.

Many of my clients tell me that their idea of “success” in life is a feeling-state, a feeling of calm, happiness, gratitude, or a lack of fear. They say that when they “achieve confidence” they think they will no longer feel anxious, self-conscious, afraid, jealous or insecure.

But, first of all, you cannot stop yourself from feeling fear, or anxiety, or anything else. Feelings are not in our control.

And second of all, it is, in fact, through the very facing of these feelings that you gain access to the pride, empowerment, and confidence that my clients crave.

If I hadn’t been afraid when I began this hike, I wouldn’t have been euphoric when I finished.

If you want a strong, stable sense of self-worth it must come from something which is always in your control, so I highly recommend basing it on behaviors rather than feelings. For me that has always come down to courage.

Since I was 18 and went skydiving, I have methodically explored my inner world to identify what scares me most, and then gone and faced that exact thing. In this way, my sense of self is built firmly upon stable ground, and I can tap into confidence anytime I want by making choices that align with my deepest value.

Fear always accompanies me on my courageous acts. If she didn’t, the act wouldn’t require any courage, and wouldn’t be meaningful to me. (And if I waited for her to leave before taking action, I would never have done anything at all.)

In this way, I am deeply grateful to my own fear, because she has given me the greatest moments of my life.

The other day Fear hiked with me for at least the first 2.5 or 3 miles. At a certain point on the hike though I looked around and realized she was gone, and in her place were Confidence, Gratitude, Joy,  and Pride.

That’s how it always works.

Yours in courage and pride,

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://bit.ly/2SdyHBo

[joshuabradleyn]

{#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear.

After 16 hours in the car over two days, I wanted to challenge my body and get into nature.

I looked up hikes near me in El Paso Texas, searching for something that would take at least a few hours and provide a real challenge. I had been processing a lot of heavy emotional stuff and my gut told me I needed something really hard.

Nevermind the fact that I’ve never hiked alone before and don’t know wtf I’m doing, I found a trail, downloaded the All Trails app, and got started.

About 60 seconds into this hike I realized that I was the only person on the trails and that, as a solo female, I should have brought a knife or pepper spray or something. I had been nervous about rattlesnakes and getting lost or hurt, but it hadn’t occurred to me until that moment that I was heading out into the middle of nowhere on the border of Mexico alone, and that possibly I was being very, very stupid.

I stopped and stood there, and felt all this fear come up in my body, tensing my muscles and turning the sunny dry landscape into a scene from a horror film. I imagined my mom finding out how I died.

I thought about heading back to my car, driving back to my hotel, and getting a workout in the hotel gym there where nobody was likely to rape or murder me. After a minute I decided, quite literally, that I would rather be raped or murdered than live my life in fear.

This is a decision I made a long time ago, and I stand by it. Scary things happen, especially to women, but I refuse to let that dictate how I live my life. (Note: this is not a suggestion for anyone else, just what I decided for me.)

So I set off, determined, but still uncomfortable. For the first hour or so all I could think about was what I would do if I ran into a man or group of men in the middle of nowhere.

I was irritated, since I had set out to do some important emotional processing, and instead found myself considering if I would still go into a freeze response at this point in my life, or if I would go into fight mode and get myself killed instead.

I was still thinking about this when I realized the trail was completely unmarked, and getting hellishly steep, and covered in rock skree that slid around so much I had to put my hands down to climb it. I remembered the rattlesnake warning on the internet, and thought… well, now would be a really good time to turn back. I’d been out there for an hour and only covered one mile, surely that was plenty?

Something deep in my gut told me I needed to keep going though. I needed to overcome this fear, to feel it and conquer it, and succeed at what I had set out to do.

So I kept going.

I thought about turning back many more times over the next few hours as the trail turned out to be extremely difficult. My legs were complete jello, my hands had little cactus prickers in them, my feet were covered in blisters, I had no idea where the trail was, and my phone was close to dying.

I swore a lot, I talked out loud to myself, and I seriously questioned my decision-making skills in life.

It was fucking glorious.

On the second peak, back in the sun, I was suddenly overcome with euphoria. The views were gorgeous, I realized that even if my phone died I would still probably be able to make it back to my car, I had run into one older gentleman who did not rape or murder me, and I had yet to see a rattlesnake.

The next hour I spent awash in pride and joy, so grateful I had listened to my heart and soul and kept going, and feeling like I could conquer the world.

I started thinking about how true confidence is built in these moments, when you do things you didn’t think you could do, and when you choose to keep going.

Interestingly, I wasn’t proud of the fact that the hike had gone well, since that wasn’t exactly in my control. Instead, I was proud that I had chosen the brave thing instead of the safe thing.

Which, really, has been the defining quality of my own personal sense of self-worth throughout my life.

Many of my clients tell me that their idea of “success” in life is a feeling-state, a feeling of calm, happiness, gratitude, or a lack of fear. They say that when they “achieve confidence” they think they will no longer feel anxious, self-conscious, afraid, jealous or insecure.

But, first of all, you cannot stop yourself from feeling fear, or anxiety, or anything else. Feelings are not in our control.

And second of all, it is, in fact, through the very facing of these feelings that you gain access to the pride, empowerment, and confidence that my clients crave.

If I hadn’t been afraid when I began this hike, I wouldn’t have been euphoric when I finished.

If you want a strong, stable sense of self-worth it must come from something which is always in your control, so I highly recommend basing it on behaviors rather than feelings. For me that has always come down to courage.

Since I was 18 and went skydiving, I have methodically explored my inner world to identify what scares me most, and then gone and faced that exact thing. In this way, my sense of self is built firmly upon stable ground, and I can tap into confidence anytime I want by making choices that align with my deepest value.

Fear always accompanies me on my courageous acts. If she didn’t, the act wouldn’t require any courage, and wouldn’t be meaningful to me. (And if I waited for her to leave before taking action, I would never have done anything at all.)

In this way, I am deeply grateful to my own fear, because she has given me the greatest moments of my life.

The other day Fear hiked with me for at least the first 2.5 or 3 miles. At a certain point on the hike though I looked around and realized she was gone, and in her place were Confidence, Gratitude, Joy,  and Pride.

That’s how it always works.

Yours in courage and pride,

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://bit.ly/2SdyHBo

[albertcaldwellne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear.

After 16 hours in the car over two days, I wanted to challenge my body and get into nature.

I looked up hikes near me in El Paso Texas, searching for something that would take at least a few hours and provide a real challenge. I had been processing a lot of heavy emotional stuff and my gut told me I needed something really hard.

Nevermind the fact that I’ve never hiked alone before and don’t know wtf I’m doing, I found a trail, downloaded the All Trails app, and got started.

About 60 seconds into this hike I realized that I was the only person on the trails and that, as a solo female, I should have brought a knife or pepper spray or something. I had been nervous about rattlesnakes and getting lost or hurt, but it hadn’t occurred to me until that moment that I was heading out into the middle of nowhere on the border of Mexico alone, and that possibly I was being very, very stupid.

I stopped and stood there, and felt all this fear come up in my body, tensing my muscles and turning the sunny dry landscape into a scene from a horror film. I imagined my mom finding out how I died.

I thought about heading back to my car, driving back to my hotel, and getting a workout in the hotel gym there where nobody was likely to rape or murder me. After a minute I decided, quite literally, that I would rather be raped or murdered than live my life in fear.

This is a decision I made a long time ago, and I stand by it. Scary things happen, especially to women, but I refuse to let that dictate how I live my life. (Note: this is not a suggestion for anyone else, just what I decided for me.)

So I set off, determined, but still uncomfortable. For the first hour or so all I could think about was what I would do if I ran into a man or group of men in the middle of nowhere.

I was irritated, since I had set out to do some important emotional processing, and instead found myself considering if I would still go into a freeze response at this point in my life, or if I would go into fight mode and get myself killed instead.

I was still thinking about this when I realized the trail was completely unmarked, and getting hellishly steep, and covered in rock skree that slid around so much I had to put my hands down to climb it. I remembered the rattlesnake warning on the internet, and thought… well, now would be a really good time to turn back. I’d been out there for an hour and only covered one mile, surely that was plenty?

Something deep in my gut told me I needed to keep going though. I needed to overcome this fear, to feel it and conquer it, and succeed at what I had set out to do.

So I kept going.

I thought about turning back many more times over the next few hours as the trail turned out to be extremely difficult. My legs were complete jello, my hands had little cactus prickers in them, my feet were covered in blisters, I had no idea where the trail was, and my phone was close to dying.

I swore a lot, I talked out loud to myself, and I seriously questioned my decision-making skills in life.

It was fucking glorious.

On the second peak, back in the sun, I was suddenly overcome with euphoria. The views were gorgeous, I realized that even if my phone died I would still probably be able to make it back to my car, I had run into one older gentleman who did not rape or murder me, and I had yet to see a rattlesnake.

The next hour I spent awash in pride and joy, so grateful I had listened to my heart and soul and kept going, and feeling like I could conquer the world.

I started thinking about how true confidence is built in these moments, when you do things you didn’t think you could do, and when you choose to keep going.

Interestingly, I wasn’t proud of the fact that the hike had gone well, since that wasn’t exactly in my control. Instead, I was proud that I had chosen the brave thing instead of the safe thing.

Which, really, has been the defining quality of my own personal sense of self-worth throughout my life.

Many of my clients tell me that their idea of “success” in life is a feeling-state, a feeling of calm, happiness, gratitude, or a lack of fear. They say that when they “achieve confidence” they think they will no longer feel anxious, self-conscious, afraid, jealous or insecure.

But, first of all, you cannot stop yourself from feeling fear, or anxiety, or anything else. Feelings are not in our control.

And second of all, it is, in fact, through the very facing of these feelings that you gain access to the pride, empowerment, and confidence that my clients crave.

If I hadn’t been afraid when I began this hike, I wouldn’t have been euphoric when I finished.

If you want a strong, stable sense of self-worth it must come from something which is always in your control, so I highly recommend basing it on behaviors rather than feelings. For me that has always come down to courage.

Since I was 18 and went skydiving, I have methodically explored my inner world to identify what scares me most, and then gone and faced that exact thing. In this way, my sense of self is built firmly upon stable ground, and I can tap into confidence anytime I want by making choices that align with my deepest value.

Fear always accompanies me on my courageous acts. If she didn’t, the act wouldn’t require any courage, and wouldn’t be meaningful to me. (And if I waited for her to leave before taking action, I would never have done anything at all.)

In this way, I am deeply grateful to my own fear, because she has given me the greatest moments of my life.

The other day Fear hiked with me for at least the first 2.5 or 3 miles. At a certain point on the hike though I looked around and realized she was gone, and in her place were Confidence, Gratitude, Joy,  and Pride.

That’s how it always works.

Yours in courage and pride,

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Why I Love My Fear. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://bit.ly/2SdyHBo