#it's really due to physical exhaustion? being a perfectionist is not fun

[darehearts]

good morning  !  ♡

[afairytalestray]

Tuggoffelees 1 and Black&White Family 2

I can’t believe I’ve gotten to Part 3 of this series and I’m only now mentioning my favourite ship of all time! Tuggoffelees, my OTP, my beloved. As always, all hcs in this series will be pre-canon, if we accept the musical as the present day canon. Here’s my take on how Misto’s relationship with Tugger and with his half siblings develops :) (consistent tense usage? I don’t know her) (masterpost here!)

Tugger was totally enamoured by Mistoffelees from day one. They didn’t meet until after Munkustrap and Demeter’s ball (the one after Bomba/Demeter/Misto’s arrival in the Junkyard, which Misto skipped due to still fearing the other Cats), when Tugger happens across Misto dancing and practising his magic in a quiet corner by himself. For the first time in his life, the Rum Tum Tugger is rendered speechless, and just sits and watches in silent awe for like half an hour until Misto realises he’s there. Misto is initially very wary of Tugger, having heard about his flirty and flighty nature, but Tugger is so warm and genuine in his admiration of Misto’s abilities that he struggles to see what the stories were on about. The two immediately bond. They both have very great fears of violence and abandonment by family members/Macavity, which allow them to feel comfortable with one another and understand each other on a deep level better than anyone else in very little time. 

Misto, despite his own massive crush, is extremely oblivious to Tugger’s true feelings for him for a long time; after all, in what universe would the most popular and attractive Cat in the tribe see weird, skittish little him as anything more than a friend? But Tugger thinks he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread, and despite his fickle tendencies, is doggedly determined when he decides on something. He can’t put his finger on what exactly Misto makes him feel right away, but he knows that it’s good. He at first only recognises it as a weird and confusing desire to spend all his time only with him, and only after someone else points out that he’s not been up to his usual flirty shenanigans in a while. He struggles to explain it; since he’s one of the only ones Misto is able to talk to at that point, he’s one of the only ones who sees him for the fun, warm, and high-key sassy tom he is behind the shyness. It took a very long (and naturally embarrassing) talk with his father to help him work out what exactly he was feeling, and at Old Deuteronomy’s advice he resolved to pursue a serious relationship with Misto. It takes a while, partially because Misto seems to be immune to all Tugger’s best moves (read: oblivious to their real intention and therefore assumes he’s joking), and also because Tugger gets all heart-eyed and tongue-tied whenever Misto smiles at him - the usually suave rockstar Cat becomes a pile of goo.  After all his moves fail, Tugger is at a loss of what to do. In the end, he manages it completely by accident.

Misto is a perfectionist and extremely prone to over-working. Tugger’s insistence on being close by/helping him practise is the only reason he doesn’t wipe out basically all the time. Tugger finds him one evening when he’s pushed himself too far, exhausted and aching and barely able to walk. Tugger’s den is closer, so he picks him up and carries him back there - Misto is asleep long before Tugger lays him down on the blankets. He’s kinda mad - half at Misto for ignoring his own limits, half at himself for not being there to help him - but struggles to stay angry with him when he’s very clearly in pain. He confronts him the next day, which confuses Misto, who’s not really used to having people care about him the way Tugger does. Misto questions why it’s bothering Tugger so much, which prompts him to angrily blurt out that it sucks so much to see someone you love hurt themself like that and not seem to care. He doesn’t realise what he’s saying until he’s said it. It hangs in the air awkwardly for a few moments before Tugger throws caution to the wind and launches into a full confession of his feelings for him. He gets on a roll and doesn’t stop until Misto kisses him (in so learning that that is the best and only guaranteed way to shut Tugger up). From there things develop very quickly. To exactly no one’s surprise they become the youngest mated pair in Jellicle memory at the next ball. Old D bawls like a kitten he’s so happy. 

Tugger and Mistoffelees grew very close very quickly, which did wonders for Misto’s confidence and both of their self-esteem. It did, however, also strain Alonzo and Tugger’s already rocky relationship to near breaking point. Alonzo, having learned of Misto’s story and his mother’s death, feels incredibly guilty for turning away from him. He becomes jealous of how quickly Tugger was able to get close to Misto while he still struggles to even get him to talk to him, and thinks Tugger is an obnoxious bad influence and warns Misto against him. Tugger is normally fairly easygoing and happy to let rumours roll off him like water off a duck’s back, he even sometimes enjoys them and encourages them if he thinks they’re amusing. However, this he takes personally, and very seriously (as he will with any disparagement of his relationship with Misto, or suggestion that he doesn’t take it seriously). Tugger feels very protective of Misto, knowing very well the pain of being on the receiving end of his eldest brother’s rage, and of their blossoming relationship; he asserts that Alonzo should have gone after Misto when his mother attacked him, and that it’s Alonzo’s own damn fault he doesn’t have a relationship with Misto and it’s got nothing to do with Tugger. It becomes a very sore point of contention between the two of them.

Once Misto is more comfortable in himself and who he is, he begins to slowly build a bond with his half siblings. He becomes more comfortable with Victoria quickly, they both enjoy hanging out without really communicating, just enjoying each other’s company in peace. Victoria is deaf. She can lip-read, but Misto is very determined to learn sign language, and when he gets reasonably competent at that it becomes their main method of communication.

Alonzo is a lot trickier, the poor guy still feels so guilty. Misto holds no resentment towards him at all, he’s really happy Alonzo doesn’t hate him and totally understands why he couldn’t see him back then when everything was still fresh and painful for him - he doesn’t blame him at all. But he can’t seem to get that into Alonzo’s head. Every time it comes up all Alonzo can think about is that if he had just been more mature/compassionate/accepting back then Misto wouldn’t have gone through everything he did. 

Alonzo now desperately wants a relationship with his little brother, but his guilt makes it so he struggles horribly at communicating with him and is awkward around him, which in turn makes Misto nervous and uncomfortable (even more than he generally was at that time), which makes it even worse for poor Lonz. He becomes very protective of Misto as he feels like it’s the only thing he can now do for him (if he didn’t do it before then he’ll sure as hell make up for it now). This, unfortunately, tends to result in him getting into fights. He and Tugger have been and always will be chalk and cheese, but he also argued with his mother and now refuses to speak to her. When Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer arrived in the Junkyard, freshly escaped from Macavity and seeking refuge, it really freaked Misto out, and Alonzo immediately took a very hard stance against them and wouldn’t give them a chance. He got into a physical fight with Bombalurina that had to be broken up by Munkustrap when she wouldn’t let him close to her den (where Misto and Demeter had holed up). He has now begrudgingly accepted the twins, but keeps his guard up around them. 

As his and Misto’s relationship improved, the awkwardness ended up dissipating completely and the two became quite close. The protectiveness, however, never did go away. It toned down a lot, but at any given moment Alonzo is always ready and willing to throw hands for his little brother and sister.

[loveshotproductions]

CampCamp Dimensions AU

***Forgot to post this on Tumblr, so here you go***

FINALLY I got this mess down on paper Hope you like it, and it's readable!! WARNING: Suggestive Content(ex. mental illness, self-harm, abuse) Setting/Premise: This AU's premise of this is centered around multiple universes, including the main canon universe. In terms of universes, labeled under CC-036, this world, in particular, is a bit more "flexible"; because it functions solely on Cartoon Physics. This means no one can truly "die"; in fact, death has their very own set of rules and mechanics. the Respawn Mechanic: The "Respawn" Mechanic is a large set of conditions to ensure the safety of the people. Like the name states, if a person manages to die, or in the condition of death. When the old body gives in, a new copy will take their place. This new copy has all old memories prior to the accident leading, literally able to learn from their mistakes. The only way a person can actually die is if the person's heart is damaged beyond repair. If that happens, they are able to die normally. There have been instances of people surviving will semi-damaged hearts, but they usually do not live as long.   Character Bios: The Main Three:    Max: Max is widely known for a multitude of reasons: aside from horrendous cat allergies. He's one of the few people in the Camp that is aware of the Alternate Universes that exist. This is the reason he is often viewed as on edge and paranoid, having a strong fear of dying. To add insult to injury, he's is schizophrenic and will hear and see nightmarish versions of his friends. Despite everything, he tries to keep somewhat of an optimistic attitude, though he's still smug and sarcastic whenever he wants to be. He is Neil's Nurse assistant and has a knack for making cat plushies          Neil: Neil, on the surface, seems like an okay kid, but he is practically the least sane of the bunch. As the Unofficial Official Camp Doctor(after accidentally killing the previous one), he's widely known for going a bit overboard on "Surgeries" which often excuse to brutally mutilate fellow campers and David.(But mostly David:l). Because of these sudden outbursts, Max is often the only one that helps him not go too far, who he often see as a little brother. Aside from his job, he's often viewed as tired, mature, sarcastic as hell, prideful of his work, but can be delusional at times. He's the oldest of the Main Three and feels the need to take care of Max and Nikki as surrogate siblings.    Nikki: Nikki is still the same extroverted self, but still, has a lot of drawbacks. Born with Chromesthesia, Nikki can not only perceive sound as color but people as well. This color perception has let some of it surrounds her in a color wildfire, but it can only perceive herself as monochrome. But, she is able to find solace in communicating with the wildlife that surrounds her. Having a rocky past with the Flower Scouts, she's often viewed as an outsider and, to put it bluntly, a freak of nature. Despite this, she is widely accepted among the other campers and especially the Main Three. Counselors:    David: David is a series of bad habits and regrets. He's been trapped in an abusive relationship with Campbell since he was a kid, has huge emotional problems, and has the unnerving feeling of being watched. Due to the years of torment, spurred by a rough household, he also has the tendency to cut himself to calm his nerves. David, of course, keeps this all locked away in a long list of repressed memories. With the only person knowing this is Gwen.    Gwen: Gwen is the last person you expect to be a camp counselor. Actually, the only reason that she is one is to get more credits on her resume for community college. She usually doesn't care about the young campers, leaving them to do what they want, but tries to in spite of everything. The only reason she hasn't decided to bail out is to make sure no one dies, especially David. Being the only person who knows of his abusive relationship, and tends to his wounds after a session, and constantly tries to make David stand up for himself. In a way, Gwen is the driving force of the camp staying afloat.   Other Campers:    Preston: Preston is not the nicest person in camp. He more known for being a recluse, and bitter towards anyone and anything. He has an exceptional talent for making costumes and the traditional voodoo doll. He's more widely known for having a small grudge on Max, for ruining an old play of his. He has created a doll of virtually every camper and believes that they're for their protection. Harrison also takes advantage of Preston, not really, as a "henchmen" for his ideas. Usually ending in failure. He proclaims to be the sanest in a world full of morons, though Preston has little to no sympathy towards anyone.      Harrison: While normal looking on the surface, Harrison hides something darker. Due to a freak encounter with an artifact at a museum, Harrison is actually a human fused with a trickster coyote demon. He tries to hide this by constantly claiming that he's normal, and goes into panic attacks trying to defend himself. Even though half the camp already knows, aside from Nerris and Space Kid. He's roommates with Preston and uses him as a ploy to explain his "conditions": suddenly spawning coyote ears and tail, eyes glowing red crosses, and speaking in Sumerian when angered. You know normal people stuff, Right?!        Dolph: Dolph prides himself in his art skills, sometimes. When he's not constantly drawing to improve, or throwing away a current painting he was working on, Dolph is, well, a mess really. He often puts a lot on his plate and stresses himself to exhaustion. He is a pure perfectionist, and anything that's not up to his standards immediately, Dolph basically shuns in disgust. In addition, he takes the position of a professional organizer, mainly to disguise his OCD.            Nurf: Nurf is more of a mixed bag of other characters and personalities than a kid. Diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder, Nurf isn't exactly the same person more than once. He's mainly seen around Dolph, acting as a Leo Bloom to Dolph's Bialystock.    Ered: Ered may look tough on the surface, but on the inside acts as a mother to the other campers. Being the oldest of the campers, she takes responsibility towards everyone. However, you almost never see her without a cigarette in hand. Ered is widely known through the camp as a constant smoker and is somewhat rude towards given sass. This is especially true with Max, as the two constantly fight with one another. Despite it, She deeply cares for the others and even carries around a first-aid kit around just in case.      Nerris: Nerris is questionable when it comes to facts. Having some knowledge for the extended universes, Nerris is a person of wide knowledge. But not all of her facts are true, they range from slightly true to completely false.      Space Kid: The youngest of the campers, Space Kid is the most innocent, and the most killed offed. He shares a bond with Nerris and often believes everything they hear. There are no threatening monsters in this AU, the only "monsters" in this world are Ghosts/Spirits. Ghost are people who died violently in obscure conditions; People are still unsure how this happens, and research is still conducted.    Jasper: Little to no one knows what exactly happened to him to result in this fate, but he watches over a certain person, feeling a need to protect him; despite playing a role in his death Outsiders: Flower Scouts: While innocent on the surface, each member of this camp is actually a part of an elitist cult. Cult activities murdering animals as the sacrifice, and demonic communications.    Erin: Second in command; loner at most, and a tsundere at best; fond of watching the world burn from a distance    Sasha: Main leader; psychotic; determined to continue the legacy; Wishes to rule the world    Tabii: Romantic of the group; 100% yandere for Neil, Will meet with a terrible fate Woodscouts: They are technically the same as their counterparts, except less aware of Max's illness Alternate Dimensions(as of now): "Caterland"/CC-603 A sadistic alternate world compromise of individuals having cat ears and characteristics.The citizens in this world enjoy elaborate parties and murdering one another for fun.  "Dollhouse" CC-025 A strange alternate dimension in which all of the campers are living dolls, created by David as a commission for small plays and shows. The adults(I.E. David, Gwen, Campbell, etc.) are all human. Another lesser known dimension. "Prime" CC/001 The main canon universe

[sailingonocean]

01 October 2019

Dear Me,

I don't know why but for some reason only half or rather my first draft of 30 September's entry got published. So deleted it because it bothered me. I know that was my perfectionist self at play. But it really bugs me. It's been bugging me that a journal entry for 29 September is missing. But I have to remind myself that I mustn't force myself to do this when I am exhausted. Otherwise I will come to hate reflecting.

In the journal entries that I wrote yesterday, I also wrote that I was exhausted from the long day I had the day before. Yesterday was a mess of emotions. Because I woke up and skimmed through the upcoming lecture slides, I felt prepared for the first 3 hours of class. We had Kahoot and I got first place too. I can't tell if it was because I did a read through and listened in class well or because the questions were easy. Or as the negative thinking me says: it was fluke and I got lucky. Either way, I was happy I got first place in our session using Kahoot.

I also made progress in terms of class participation. I actively participated in the the module's second lecturer's class. The negative thoughts that I first had when I started talking in classes as quieted down. It wasn't as intense now if there is any. I'd say a huge improvement from having 'That was such a stupid thing to ask about' or 'how was that contributing to the class discussion'. It's slow progress. But slow progress, as someone said, is progress. It's an increase even if the rate of increase is small.

But like all good times, yesterday had a anxiety episode where I was fretting about the coursework. It had been making me anxious that I couldn't visualise how the calculator looks. So to try and manage my anxiety I started making the calculator. I lost track of time so I only went to bed at midnight and woke up really sleep deprived.

Which made me push back meeting up with my group mates for the coursework. But there was also SH who messaged me and asked if we could meet since they were in town. I said sure, I was free from 5pm onwards. 4pm was a Mindfulness workshop. So I was running late for the workshop because of a technical hiccup in the group meeting. So I had to rush all the way to the meeting. But one of the attendees offered me a biscuit which I accepted. It was really nice of them.

The workshop was a weird experience. It wasn't like I didn't try mindfulness before. Because I tried with the headspace app. But having a real life person guide me through 30 minutes of meditation? Absolutely unbelievable! I wasn't expecting what had felt like 5 minutes with my thoughts to be like 30 freaking minutes...It was a very eye opening experience. I didn't realise most of my thoughts were about coursework until I was meditating. So, I guess I am more worried about the coursework than I thought I was.

But most of the thoughts my mind wandered off to weren't uni related. For some reason my mind thought of a sunflower and next thing I knew I was riding on the passenger seat of the car with a sunflower field as my passing scenery. That was really nice and soothing. I might paint or write a story idea related to that feeling. Anyway, I think I will sign up for more mindfulness workshops. But we'll have to see with my schedule. I don't want to overstuff myself with appointments to the extent the meaningful things I want to do won't impact me as the way this workshop did because I was too exhausted. But I did sign up for a workshop on managing the physical symptoms of anxiety. That's next week.

After the workshop, I met with SH. They treated me for dinner and we had lots of fun. They were as always, so sweet and attentive, I feel loved and blessed to have a sweet friend like them. I felt guilty for getting teary eyed when I was talking about my personal issues. But they were patient and talked me through the stuff I was going. They told me that it isn't my fault what was happening between Dad and Mum. And that I shouldn't feel guilty for being happy. Because that is not what my mum wanted when I came to UK to study. But they hugged and kissed my cheeks assuring me that I am not at fault. It's weird hearing it from someone else. And it's weirder to hear myself justify my dad's emotionally abusive behaviour to someone else. But what I do understand is that they love me and I am blessed by Allah with the kindest and sweetest of friends.

I guess that's my takeaway from this. At least with the mindset I have right now. Anyway, I am off to bed. In Sha Allah, I hope to wake up early tomorrow and sort everything out:

Laundry,

Barclays,

Lectures 1 to 6,

schedule planner update to include anxiety workshop,

calling Mum and Dad.

Yeah, that's about it I think...well aside from the dirty plate washing and water boiling. Oh, energy diary!!! Must update the energy diary. I think a reflection is also required. I am not sure when that is due but we'll see.

You've done well today, Me! I'm proud of you for being brave and doing things that scare you. Loving you through your ups and downs,

Me <3