#it's probably not covid I did a test but it doesn't feel like covid...

[davepetea]

.

[batsandbabydolls]

I am straight up NOT having a good time right now

[sirfrogsworth]

Very personal question so I understand if you don't want to answer. Did your diagnosis feel like a relief, socially? Mine isn't the same, but on one hand I feel relieved to have an "excuse" for being so friggin tired all the time. Society can't "morally" call me weak or lazy anymore. I can actually get some of the rest I need, without people judging me as harshly for it. No one's going to smack a chemo patient and tell me to be productive at all times... I find it sad that I have to have a justification for being exhausted. Nothing's really changed besides a label, but I'm suddenly allowed to feel like shit when I wasn't before.

I have a weird relationship with my diagnosis.

CFS doesn't have a blood test. It doesn't have a genre of specialists who are trained with a specific diagnostic protocol. The only CFS specialists are doctors who took it upon themselves to learn more about the condition and then self-label as specialists. Which unfortunately means there is a high rate of CFS quacks.

To get a diagnosis you have to go to every doctor you can think of, in every specialty you can think of, and gather negative diagnoses like Pokemon. And once you have ruled everything out, you have to find a doctor that kinda/sorta knows what CFS is, and they will officially declare you have tried everything and *probably* have CFS.

And even though most people with CFS are 99.9999% sure they have CFS, there is still that anxiety in the back of our minds that can't help but doubt.

Then there is the social stigma (which is improving) where new people you encounter, doctors, and sometimes even close friends and family, will very much doubt you have the illness. They might think you are being dramatic. Or you are exaggerating. Or they will think you have depression for years and shock your brain. They will think "Well, I get tired too." Or they won't believe there is nothing you can do about it. They still have that mindset "If I had that, I could get better." Or they will think, "If I had that, I could push through it with my epic constitution and boomer work ethic."

So, honestly, I am still kind of waiting for my diagnosis in a way. Every year or so an article will drop saying "The CFS blood test is almost here!" and then no further details. That damned blood test has been coming every year for like 15 years now. It's like cold fusion.

But I will say, when something else is wrong with me and there is a definitive test or a firm diagnosis from a proper specialist—that definitely feels like a relief. I am so tired of my body manifesting medical mysteries that even when something is terribly wrong with me, if I know exactly what it is, I am almost chuffed about it.

Doctor: The blood tests came back and you have life threatening sepsis. We will need to perform surgery to remove a giant piece of your back skin.

Me: Neat!

True story. (Warning: Very gross)

When I took my sleep study nap test and they were like, "Yep, you got narcolepsy as well." I was so happy that I had a "real" illness that I could use to convince doubters I was sick. Unfortunately everyone thinks narcolepsy is just falling asleep at weird times and they don't understand it much beyond that. So that wasn't as helpful as I initially hoped.

Now that Long COVID is causing serious cases of CFS, I have noticed a few people taking it a bit more seriously. But I have two uncles who think I am weak and lazy and was just mooching off my parents for 20 years. And apparently I have been disowned from that side of the family because of it.

But if that blood test ever actually happens I will come back to this post and let you know.

I'm sorry you required a diagnosis for people to take you seriously. But I hope your treatment is successful and you can just be healthy and not have to worry about stigmas. I'm rooting for you. Get that rest and take care of yourself.

[bioethicists]

hey i'd really love it if you could say more about biopolitics? i hadn't heard that before and it seems fantastic.

😅 u guys humor me too much- these type of asks are like catnip for me i am rolling around on the floor

biopolitics was originally conceptualized by foucault in a series of lectures- the very simple explanation of it (which foucault scholars probably would feel doesn't do it justice) is that the state has a vested interest in creating citizens who are "healthy" (as defined by the state usually by military/work readiness) + reproducing more "healthy" citizens (in this way it often intersects with outright eugenics). people often refer to it as the politics of "making live + letting die" (necropolitics by achille mbembé is an incredible analysis of this second part, focused on colonial power's interest in determining who dies)

what this means is that, at its core, the state engages in programs to improve the "health" of the population not out of altruism but because it needs a supply of work-ready, combat-ready, reproduction-ready individuals. the concept of "health" is tied up in one's ability to perform labor in service of the state, so much so that disorder or the severity of disorder becomes defined by this ability. public health efforts center not on decreasing suffering but on restoring the population to a condition in which they can once again perform labor (including reproductive labor) + serve the greater needs of the state.

my friend cora at umadison did an excellent presentation on how the u.s evokes within "anti-obesity" campaigns a concern that "obesity" is a threat to military readiness. messaging concerning family planning/abortion are often engaged by the state to coerce certain ppl into having children + others NOT to, based on the idea of the Type of Citizen they want. on a deeper level, this haunts us from birth- were there programs to try to improve your mother's pregnancy? public school health surveys? scoliosis tests? presidential fitness tests? irt COVID-19, whose death was seen as acceptable + whose death was seen as worth preventing? was prioritizing a 'return to work ' an out-of-the-blue approach or a natural conclusion of a public health system structured around producing + maintaining a steady supply of labor? none of this is asserting that state public health intervention is inherently BAD, just that its core motivations are not altruistic but rather political (so it has no interest in expanding into a public health model where fitness to work/serve/birth is NOT seen as the marker of health).

a very cynical read of the opioid epidemic would be that the state is so heavily involved now because it is finally impacting individuals that they want to Make Live. harm reduction is reluctantly being adopted (thanks to the tireless work of incredible activists!) but only if it can fit into the framework of Making Them Live Until They Can Become Sober. sobriety is the unspoken end goal not because it reduces suffering but because it allows for workers. the truly liberatory logic of harm reduction, which focuses on autonomy + safety + reducing suffering, is antithetical to the motivations of a state which openly despises those who don't 'produce' proportionately to what they receive.

my interest is in reimagining medicine + the body + disability + suffering outside of this biopolitical framework by acknowledging that our very definitions of all of these things have been engraved in the public imagination with labor production in mind. i'm not interested in trying to create new state programs that are 'untouched' by biopolitics because that's impossible + i can still extract tangible benefits from it (for example, i got all my covid vaccines early + for free bcuz my labor was important enough for the state to invest in my life). the idea is to engage with these programs clear-eyed + willing to look at who we Make Live + who we Let Die. most importantly, we can find what lies outside it all + envision new ways of living

[butterflydm]

wot s2 trailer: detailed second look

Okay, that's a lie, I've watched it more than twice. But, yes.

Spoilers mostly for show stuff but also for relevant book stuff through around The Great Hunt.

I have sadly been persuaded that we will not get Rand In The White Tower. One of my earlier speculations (around a month ago), I did suggest the idea that Siuan might go to Cairhien, though it was in the context of "going with Mat" and Mat's plotline still seems so up in the air, so who knows where he'll be. But Siuan going with Logain does set up some interesting opportunities.

When I was thinking Siuan would go with Mat, I was thinking it would happen after the girls had been tricked to leave by Liandrin, but if she's going with Logain, I think it's more likely that her absence leaves an opportunity for Liandrin to pounce on the girls while she's gone. Especially if Siuan doesn't give them any information.

I am really excited by the idea of Rand and Logain having a conversation here, it sets up some interesting things for the future.

I feel like a lot of @markantonys's thoughts here are still pretty likely in light of what we saw in the trailer: https://markantonys.tumblr.com/post/720125468680060928/my-rough-guesses-2x01-a-taste-of-solitude

Maybe Siuan's trip to Cairhien is around episode 6-ish (making Siuan and Moiraine's reunion in ep 6 in both s1 & s2).

It really is hard to figure out where Mat's storyline is going because the covid change really did take him pretty far off-book (and since he's still in his Two Rivers clothes in Falme, that implies he's had no chance to get a change of clothes at any point).

I am also really wondering how action-packed the finale will be vs emotional beats -- will Rand reunite with his friends or will we be focused on the action?

So, we see wanderer Rand in one shot: with 'Selene'. I'm guessing that's right after she arranges for him to 'save' her from something dangerous. Then we have a few shots of him in plainer shirts or in no shirt. Then we have the blue robe-like overshirt. Then we have the fancy black emo coat that it looks like he wears for the rest of the season.

We have Moiraine in her traveler's clothes for a bit, including I think when she first sees Rand again. Then she takes a bath and changes her clothes, probably, and tries again with Rand.

We're probably going to see Egwene & Elayne in novice whites for pretty much the whole season after Egwene arrives at the White Tower. It looks like Nynaeve has a bit more variation but mostly in episode three (probably) when she has her Accepted Test. It does seem like we're going to have at least one flashback (Moiraine and Siuan New Spring'ing it up) so we may get more flashbacks for each of the characters -- Perrin's flash of happiness with that young girl might be a flashback.

So, attempting to place things in order --

Episode One: Perrin & co start on their Hunt for Horn and dagger; Rand wanders the countryside, Moiraine & Lan... maybe end up researching with Verin (and that's how we're introduced to her and how she works her way into the plotline?) or something else; Mat gets nabbed by Liandrin and taken prisoner; and Egwene & Nynaeve arrive at the White Tower (meet Elayne?). Nynaeve tells Alanna that she's not sure anyone should have as much power as they tell her that she has.

I suspect all the scenes of Moiraine & Lan at night with the Fade are episode one, since it vibes like Moiraine still looks like she did at the end of last season, so this is them leaving the Blight maybe, because Moiraine needs to process a lot of shit right now. The Perrin riding scene could happen here or in the next couple of episodes. This also might be when he encounters The Wolf Who Might Be Hopper that we see later in the trailer (or... etc).

Episode Two: Rand spends time with Selene (the cuddling shots). We may start with a cold open relating to either Ishy unearthing bloody Lanfear or something related to the Seanchan. I'm guessing this episode will cover basically the entire Rand and 'Selene' relationship, with them separating either at the end of this episode or the very beginning of episode three.

Episode Three: Nynaeve's Accepted test! All the shots of her in her shift and all bloody go here. Her surge of power near a house that looks like it's in the Two Rivers style goes here. I'm guessing that Lan on Mandarb in the woods also goes here. We will probably also get Egwene and Elayne building up their friendship in this episode. This is maybe the episode where we get shirtless Rand as he broods in Foregate.

Episode Four: Moiraine catches up to Rand (finds him in Foregate; he pins her; she and Lan have a conversation about Rand; I'm guessing she sends a message to Siuan that inspires Siuan to decided she needs to go to Cairhien with Logain, to help get Rand under control; has a Sad Bath; and dresses like a Cairhienin).

Episode Five: Perrin & co have their run-in with the Seanchan. This might be the episode where we meet Aviendha and have a run-in with the Whitecloaks as well? If Loial gets captured by the Seanchan at the start of the episode, then Perrin can run into the Whitecloaks later as he's trying to figure out how to help Loial. Has Fain given the Seanchan the Horn yet? I'm curious about how they'll pepper the Seanchan throughout the season. Siuan leaves the White Tower with Logain to travel to Cairhien.

Episode Six: Starts with Liandrin at the Darkfriend social and ends with her delivering the girls to the Seanchan (so all the damane capturing scenes & etc; "if our friends are in trouble, why would I ever stay here?" scene with Egwene and Elayne). Rand talks first to Logain (more casual blue robes) and then gets dressed in his fancy black emo coat that he'll wear the rest of the season and talks to Siuan. Might go off on his own at the end? This might be the episode where we get the New Spring flashback, see Moiraine & Siuan happy and young and then hear Gitara's Foretelling?

Episode Seven: Focus on Egwene in captivity, which I expect to be really brutal. We'll probably get a lot of Seanchan-related info in this episode. How long she is in captivity probably depends on how Rand is traveling to Falme (because I think this will be his traveling episode). Mat is also approaching Falme at this same time maybe? We have so little info to go on regarding Mat, lol. Perrin is already in the area. It's possible that this is when Perrin meets Aviendha, depending on how many episodes we have her for this season.

Episode Eight: Rand faces off against Turak. Whatever that explosion at that gate is happens. Mat stabs someone with a spear (that potentially has raven detailing). Probably lots of other (Horn-related and breaking-Egwene-out related) stuff happens too! I really hope we get some emotional moments of people realizing that Rand isn't dead, though (unless they find out earlier -- Liandrin might tell Egwene & Nynaeve that Rand is alive).

I am hardcore mourning that I can't see any place in this structure for my Randlayne meet-cute. Rand really isn't in an emotional place for meet-cutes. :-(

I am really curious to see how Moiraine and Lan's relationship evolves in this season. It looks like they run into some friction between each other and so I wonder if we'll get Lan offering Rand suggestions on how to face the Amrylin Seat and Moiraine disapproving (like happens in TGH), maybe because now that Rand is a person and not an idea, Lan wants him to have control of his own destiny?

There was no sign of Moiraine or Lan in the Falme-related shots, but we did get those still of them walking on a beach, with Moiraine in her Cairhienin dress. If she were traveling on her own with just Lan, I'd expect her to be back in her traveling clothes.

We're going to be getting Perrin losing himself in the wolf and getting scared of it, when he kills that Whitecloak. Pretty sure that the wolf we saw in the trailer is going to be Hopper. We didn't get any shots of Elyas but I think he's been confirmed for the season? We also didn't get any shots of Loial and we know that he's there because of that earlier still that was released. We know that he's the first of the group to end up in Seanchan territory, because Loial has been captured by the Seanchan as of episode five. I do still suspect that Verin will be in Perrin's plotline mostly, but there's a chance that we first get introduced to her via Moiraine searching for answers.

I think we won't get confirmation that Liandrin is a Darkfriend until maybe episode six, when she tricks the girls into going into the Ways. Maybe the cold open for that episode is the Darkfriend social? Either that or it's the cold open for episode five and the audience learns about Liandrin the episode before her betrayal of the girls (maybe this is when we see her up by the Flame of Tar Valon and the place where the rings are melted).

I'm guessing that Min will pop up in two or three episodes, maybe? She's not listed as a regular, I don't think, so she won't be in all eight. She's likely in Tar Valon and will likely go along with the Wondergirls to Falme, like she does in the books, so we may get her meeting Aviendha in Falme. It really depends on the pacing of the final episode and how much post-battle time we get.

I do feel like Rafe is invested in showing the realistic emotions of our characters, so I'm hoping we get some downtime where all the polycule all gets to meet each other and we get some reunions between the characters.

It looks like we'll be getting a lot of Egwene & Nynaeve's emotional beats from the show. We'll be meeting Elayne and getting introduced to her brothers and potentially Elaida. They'll probably spend five episodes in the White Tower and then head to Falme for the last three.

Mat remains our biggest question mark. We know he starts in Tar Valon, spends some time captured by Liandrin, and then somehow ends up free in Falme, wielding a spear. And that's pretty much it.

Here is all the detail I wrote out about each of the shots (so where I'm getting some of my guesses from):

Shot 1: Moiraine in Foregate. We know this is episode four because of the photos we got earlier of this scene. I'm assuming that this is her working on locating Rand at the moment. She's dressed up Cairhienin style, high and modest neckline and keisera.

Shot 2: White Tower from above, craning down to get a better look at the sides, where we see a bright blue dress. This might be part of what is likely a flashback that we'll get to later. I am guessing the Moiraine does not go back to Tar Valon this season at all, at this point. It also just might be another Blue Ajah Sister in a wide shot!

Shot 3/4: Moiraine is sad in her bathtub. I'm guessing this is in one of the first three episodes, but it might be episode four. I'm guessing this is the Bath of Sadness that will lead into her dressing up in her Cairhienin outfit.

Shot 5/6: Rand stands on a floodplain-ish area that I'm guessing is him approaching Falme (...I don't know geology). He appears to be alone in this shot but he also might be out of camera view of whoever he's traveling with. We see here that his fancy new emo black coat has a rising sun motif. I feel like we saw something in the promos about Aviendha having a rising sun thing somewhere? Is my brain making that up or is it real? Plus it also would connect to both Elayne & Moiraine for obvious reasons. And it's the opposite of Lanfear's moon motif. We do see Rand both from behind and from the front and he looks alone in both shots. Probably episode seven or eight.

Shot 7/8: These appear to be connected. Moiraine facing a Fade. This might be Moiraine and Lan leaving the Blight? Or just them traveling at night? But I think Moiraine is wearing her traveling clothes from last season in this shot, though the lighting is pretty dim, so it's hard to say. And she has the knife from last season too. So my guess is that this is from episode one.

Shot 9: Ishy looking kinda business-casual, just in a shirt, though it looks like he may have a tie-holder. Darkly-lit scene. He bamfs away, using... well, if you know, then you know. It goes beyond the spoilers I listed at the top. I think this is the same outfit he's wearing later when he's hanging with Suroth (which is different from the outfit he's wearing in the scene with Loial that we only saw a photo of).

Shot 10: Egwene... maybe in the Testing Chamber?

Shot 11: Liandrin staring forward. Might be the same place? She looks a bit like she's dressed for travel, though, so this could be the prepping to leave for the Ways.

Shot 12: Super quick glance at the Darkfriend social.

Shot 13: Nynaeve telling Alanna, I think, that "no one should have that much power". So instead of Alanna trying to be a busybody because she's interested in Rand and she's honing in on the girls by proxy, I think she'll be interested in talking to Nynaeve because she's so strong in the One Power. This is from one of the first three episodes, I would guess. Before Nynaeve does her Accepted Testing.

Shot 14: Ishy is in a different outfit than he was in Shot 9. He's got a jacket on and no tie-clip thing. This might be what he was wearing last season? He's doing something with the Power and the way it's shining is reminding me of the constrained look of the damane's flows that we see later.

Shot 15/16/17: We cut to bloody Lanfear (I'm guessing but I feel like this is probably Lanfear), with the implication that maybe this is Ishy waking her up?

Shot 18/19/20/21: Two damane are launching an attack on a village at nighttime. In the second to last of the shots, I think that I see Uno & his eyepatch, and I'm pretty sure that Perrin is in the last of the shots, so this may be when Perrin & co encounter the Seanchan and Loial gets captured.

Shot 22/23/24/25: Opening the door to the Accepted Testing chamber -- probably episode 3. We see Nynaeve revealed by the opening of the door and then switch to behind her and see the archways for the testing. There are three Sisters with her. Actually, it looks like Liandrin might be wearing the outfit from Shot 11 so that might actually be her reacting to Nynaeve's Test. I think the lady on the left is Sheriam but I'm not sure who the woman just behind Nynaeve is.

Shot 26/27/28: Perrin & co riding down a hilly area. Guessing that this is early on, searching out the Horn & dagger? This is Perrin in his new S2 outfit.

Shot 29: 'Selene' cuddles Rand, who is still in his wanderer outfit, so this would be early season. I really am fascinated by her choice to cosplay Moiraine here (someone mentioned Selene being in her 'Moiraine cosplay era' in the tag, and the thought definitely stuck). Unless that's just a blue cloak that she threw on and her actual outfit isn't blue. Lanfear looks way more into the touching than Rand does -- he's basically just standing there while she plasters herself against him (her hand is even around his back). At least it looks that way from this angle. She does fit pretty neatly under his chin.

Shot 30/31: Rand walks down a hall with arches. He's wearing the same outfit here that we'll later see in his conversation with Logain, so I'll place this around episode 5 or 6.

Shot 32: Tar Valon (?) at night, with lightning flashing.

Shot 33: Moiraine races away on a horse, during the night. A dark horse, so this is not Aldieb (who is a white mare).

Shot 34/35: Lan listens as Moiraine passionately explains that guiding Rand is the only thing that matters. Moiraine is dressed in her Cairhienin clothes here, so maybe episode four.

Shot 36: Siuan on her fancy throne that was probably just set up now, because this is likely all in Cairhien, tells Moiraine, maybe, "You can't control him" possibly talking about Rand. This might be after the conversation that Siuan and Moiraine have that we see later in the trailer, because Siuan has An Opinion about Rand. She's in her super-fancy Amyrlin clothes.

Shot 37/38: Rand is in a dark room, shutters drawn, and we can see him surrounded by yellow-red flows. He's wearing a plain shirt but it looks nice.

Shot 39/40/41: Perrin looks at a wolf. A wolf looks back. Hopper? Perrin's eyes shift to gold.

Shot 42: Rand pins Moiraine up against the wall of a room. By her throat. He looks very intense and I'm pretty sure I can see the black tendrils of the taint in the flows as they pass over his neck. It looks like Moiraine is in her traveling clothes here, so it could be that she doesn't change into her Cairhienin duds until after she's encountered Rand again for the first time. The subtitles says "Kill them all" here and you can kinda hear it if you concentrate. The first glimmers of you-know-who?

Shot 43: Egwene is in the collar and she looks WRECKED. Blood-shot eyes. Bloody cheek. Hair damp (with sweat probably). Either episode seven or eight is my guess for this one.

Shot 44: Nynaeve in her shift in the Testing room, covered in blood. She also looks pretty emotionally wrecked.

Shot 45/46: Panning shot of the dagger on a fancy table as Mat sits in a chair, with some great conflict on his face. This is interesting because it implies that Fain is in Tar Valon? I like all the emphasis on how all five of the ta'veren are going through these intense emotional journeys. It's not just Rand who is struggling with himself.

Shot 47: This shot is fascinating. Rand is standing in front of 'Selene' while the Power is flowing all around him. Very creepy vibes.

Shot 48: Rand tells Logain that he wants to learn how to control it. And he's wearing the same kind of robe-ish overshirt that he was wearing when he was walking down the hall in Shots 30/31 but which is very different than the formal clothes that we see him wearing when he talks to Siuan at the end of the trailer. Rand and Logain both in blue here.

Shot 49/50/51: Wide shot of Suroth & Co being domineering over a village, then going to a closer shot of Suroth sitting on the throne while her Voice and Ishy are on either side of her. I think Ishy is wearing the same outfit here that he was wearing in Shot 9. Oh, I think there are people actually carrying that palanquin! Yikes, that has to be so heavy. So maybe a ~procession~ of the conquered territory?

Shot 52/53: Turok opens the box for the Horn. It's interesting that he doesn't have the mask that Suroth has. His nails also appear to be more functional than hers, or less likely to get in his way. His costuming is actually pretty different from hers. I wonder if we're going to keep seeing different variations between the Bloods. Because she has that metal theme while his theme feels more... bone-like?

Shot 54/55/56/57: I believe all this is the capture of Egwene. Looks very intense. It looks like Egwene goes on the attack while Elayne runs. I can't see Nynaeve at all in any of the shots.

Shot 58/59: But we do transition from the burst of power over Egwene into one over Nynaeve, probably during her Accepted Test, because both her clothes and the house behind her look like the Two Rivers. So this is likely episode three.

Shot 60: I think this is the Whitecloaks riding towards Falme.

Shot 61: Liandrin stands at the Flame of Tar Valon and stares down at the big forge-bowl-ring where the old rings get melted and new ones made.

Shot 62/63: A child and Perrin playing together. Might be a flashback? He isn't wearing what we've seen him wearing in most of the S2-related material.

Shot 64: If it is a flashback, then it would pair well with this shot of Moiraine and Siuan kissing, because I feel like this is most likely a flashback as well, because Siuan is in blue.

Shot 65/66: Egwene (in her kitchen outfit) hugs Nynaeve (in her Two Rivers outfit). Are Egwene and Nynave going to arrive at the Tower separately (why would they do that? Hmm).

Shot 67: Nynaeve's Accepted Test beginning, as the Aes Sedai channel into the archways.

Shot 68/69: Egwene talks to Elayne - "If our friends are in trouble, why would I ever stay here?" So this is probably the conversation that leads to Elayne coming along with Egwene. Hmm, given that Elayne doesn't know literally any of the other potential players involved, I wonder if they're going to lean on the "friendship" angle or the "adventure" angle with why Elayne leaves with Egwene. In the books, Elayne already had a level of investment going on.

Shot 70: Moiraine walks out of a door at night. Maybe the same scene as Rand pinning her against the wall?

Shot 71: Moiraine from much earlier in the season, judging by her vibes.

Shot 72: Lan on Mandarb. I'm still guessing that this is from Nynaeve's Accepted Test in episode three, because Moiraine and Lan don't appear to be near any nice woodlands in their current travels.

Shot 73: Lan tells Moiraine: "You can't do this by yourself." Guessing it's part of the conversation about guiding Rand, because I can make out the pointed collar on Moiraine's outfit.

Shot 74/75/76/77: Aviendha veils up at nighttime, with Perrin in the background. Then she fights some Whitecloaks. Aviendha has a head injury here, some blood near her temple.

Shot 78: Nynaeve spars with the Warders -- we saw this back in the earlier teaser as well.

Shot 79/80: Lan fights a Fade. Guessing this is the same scene as Moiraine & the Fade from Shots 7/8.

Shot 81: Nighttime overlooking shot of Tar Valon. Maybe the same night as the one with the lightning flashing earlier. Maybe the night when Liandrin & the girls leave? /wild speculation

Shot 82: Liandrin with her red all covered up with a black cloak, walking through the streets at night. I saw someone speculate that she's on her way to the Darkfriend social and that would be a pretty great way to bring us into it.

Shot 83: Shirtless Rand stares out the window at maybe the morning light. This is another shot that we've seen before. Guessing Foregate because those shutters look like the ones we saw earlier in the trailer.

Shot 84: Nynaeve exits one of the archways in a burst of light, and we can see blood on her shift. More of her Testing.

Shot 85: Perrin kills a Whitecloak. It does not look like the same location as where we saw Aviendha fighting the Whitecloaks.

Shot 86: Egwene screams in the collar.

Shot 87: Rand is bound shirtless on a huge wheel in the desert (almost certainly in the dream world).

Shot 88: I think Liandrin is talking to Egwene here, though we can only really see her hair. "It's not always the most powerful who write history. It's the ones who survive." Same outfit that we saw on her before.

Shot 89/90/91/92/93: Rand in a plaza at Falme, in his fancy emo black coat (now covered with a brown cloak), about to fight Turak. Rand talks about being tired of being "a spoke in the wheel".

Shot 94: We go back to the shot of Rand bound on the wheel and then pull way back. It does look like there's something directly in front of him, but I can't tell if it's a person or if it's just... set up to look like a person, if that makes sense.

Shot 95: Someone kills a Fade with a flaming sword at night. On reflection... not Rand, I think? (which would make sense -- Rand still has his dad's sword). It might belong to the same scene as Moiraine and Lan facing the Fades?

Shot 96: Mat stabs someone with a spear. He's still wearing his Two Rivers clothes. Given the earlier photo we got of Mat, I'm guessing this is Falme.

Shot 97/98: Hard cut to that explosion. It's actually a top-down view at first and it looks like someone is exploding the door to a gate. Maybe fireworks but maybe channeling? It looks like Falme, though, either way.

Shot 99/100/101: Siuan tells Rand that he's the water that turns the wheel of time. He's in his fancy black emo coat here.

[aropride]

ok after thinking about it for several years i think what my deal is is that i had some form of subclinical pots that no one picked up on bc a) it wasnt debilitating b) most of my symptoms were attributed to asthma (fairly, again i dont think i Had Pots until i was older) and c) the others were attributed to anxiety (less fairly. Smile). Bc i do have memories of being pre-covid (and even as a kid/young teen but it definitely worsened when i was an older teen) being like. I cant wash my hair bc i feel like im gonna black out or If somoene doesnt get me a salty snack im gonna kill myself or when i was older i was really into losing vision when i stood up (which i attributed to having an ED which was probably also accurate- the worst of my ED was also when the symptoms started getting worse too) So it went like.

normal boy few (physical) problems -> develop eating disorder -> it gets Worst when im like 16 -> wow i kind of feel like shit all the time + am always tired + cant walk very long + i feel like im gonna black out standing but it doesn't affect my daily life too bad so it's chill (-> also attributed it to MI/dissociation Again why should i see a doctor i can gaslight myself on my own for free) -> get "really bad cold" in feb20 -> shaking covered in sweat ears ringing walking up stairs during in-person school sep20 -> started craving salt a lot more too -> think nothing of it, assumed my problems were universal -> eating disorder healing era but did not feel physically much better -> get covid in dec21 -> nearly pass out walking to the store -> frequently would actually pass out on my floor after going to the store -> dizzy all the time, weird cough that never went away -> find out what long covid is sometime in spring22, assume i don't have it (idky) -> find out what pots is in may22 -> Well i definitely dont have that Because my experiences are universal But just in case im gonna get really into salt -> wait that actually helps i think -> really bad body aches/etc when walking for too long (more than 5k steps) -> i thought for a while i got covid in june22 but in retrospect i don't think i did? (complicated reasons but tldr i think i misremembered due to the disorders) -> stay in my house for a year, now when i talk abt symptoms my mother just says it's bc i don't walk enough -> finally connect the dots btwn "bad cold" in 2020 and The Symptoms -> start school aug23 and hope my mother is right and not me -> my mother is wrong (MANY SUCH CASES) -> "bad cold" in nov23 (i tested twice on day 2 and 5 and both were negative, & wore kn95 whenever i was around people in case, but in retrospect it might have been covid) -> symptoms get worse -> i start Complaining bc im slowly realizing my symptoms Are Not Universal and most people are Not always in pain -> get covid in may24 -> Symptoms get worse -> my friends start pretty universally saying stuff like "please see a doctor" and "have you considered using mobility aids" and "i think you have a disability" -> Etc...

[1941-crowley-slut]

Rant incoming

I cannot STAND how my mom talks to me about church when she wants me to go.

For context, we obviously stopped going during covid so we were away for 2-3 years and though she watched the live broadcast every Sunday, I didn't. In fact I always deliberately left the room at that time to stay away from it. At some point I told her I don't believe anymore (honestly I remember having doubts and questions (Crowley coded lmao) since I was a kid but 11-12 is where it really just set in that I don't have that kind of faith). She didn't take ir horribly bad but told me at the time she'd like it if I still joined her at church sometimes. Which, fine. Okay.

Fast forward to when she is actually going back to church and just throws on me the news that I am going too. Doesn't ask, just tells me I'm going. And I'm pissed as fuck the whole day after that, to the point that when she asks me to find my clothes for church I actually just keep looking at my closet and want to tear everything apart. I really avoid conflicts with my mother but this one had me. I was PISSED. So when she finally asked what was going on I told her "I don't want to go". And it wasn't so much that I wasn't willing to do it for her, it's that I felt she had no regard for my beliefs and just wanted her way. A

And funnily enough, she did. Because the reponse to that was: "I know, but I'd already told you I want you to come with me sometimes. Is it so terrible, you can't even make this one little sacrifice for your mother?"

Not me being guilt tripped, but anyway. I don't remember the end of that conversation but I remember other times. Once again for context, I was in 12th grade the year that passed and it was incredibly difficult study-wise. I had 6-7 hours of school every day, then anywhere from 2-5 hours of extra studies (sometimes almost immediately) and then I also had to do homework for both school and extra studies (seperate) and a lot of it was learning things by heart, plus we had tests and exams all the time like ALL the time, some weeks I'd have 5 tests in 3 days and I was going insane. Plus on extra studies we wrote exams on Saturdays. So it was all very very hectic and mom knew that and she was very awesome for the most part, but when it came to church she just didn't. Listen. To me.

She would go "You'll come this Sunday because the next weeks will be harder for you" but the matter of the fact was, she didn't know what weeks were harder for me. She thought for xyz reasons that later it'd be worse, but in reality the times she wanted me to go i was drowning in work and getting anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns cause everything was so much. Too much. And I'd say something like "Well this week's pretty bad" and expect her to get the hint but she'd go "it's just one hour in the morning, how important is it really, you probably wouldnt even be studying then"

(Not to mention it's not really 1 hour cause I need like an hour just to wake up and get ready, then 20 minute drive, the service was either 1 or 1 and a half hours, then it was however long chatting up with all the church people, another 20 minute drive home and then I was tired and we would have lunch and I just wanted to relax and sleep etc etc. So it wasnt at all just an hour. And maybe even if I hadn't gone to church that day, it'd still be afternoon and I wouldn't have gotten started on any work. But at least I would have spent some time for myself and then would force myself to work. But anyway again)

She just does this thing where she doesn't even ask or give me the illusion of a choice. Cause the truth is that church is usually not that bad, I can deal with it, it's fine. But I hate it just because she makes me feel forced to go. If she was just like "Hey, could you come with me to church this Sunday? I'd like that" I would be much happier to go. I know she doesn't want to be by herself and that she worries about what the church peoole will think (which pisses me off as well but thats another story), I don't mind keeping her company. But I mind when she suddenly springs it on me on Saturdays that "We're going to church tomorrow" and even if I show my discomfort with it she's like "Well you have to come sometimes."

And she just she has this way that I don't understand that when she says anything related to me going to church (e.g. "Find your clothes for tomorrow to see if anything needs to be ironed"), she says it in this firm tone and so suddenly that you just even subconsciously know you have no say in this. I don't get to react to this or have an opinion, it's just something I have to do. Because she said so. And if I was to try and react, she'd circle right back to guilt-tripping me (which at this point would be really funny because I have been trying lately to help her in every way I can so it's not like "You do everything for me and I'll do this small favor for you by coming with you", I have been offering to help with chores, I've been offering to learn stuff I dont know how to do so I can help her around the house, I have been helping as far as I can. But nonetheless I know this will end badly if I try to argue)

Anyway yeah it's just. I'm tired. At first I thought it was her desperate attempt to get me back into the church, to make me believe again. Now, though I still think she clings onto some hope about that, I also believe she thinks I'm too far gone for that and really just wants me there for company and for the eyes of the world, so none of the people know I'm not a believer anymore and supposedly think of her as a failed mother.

I'd just like to be counted like an equal person in here. Especially what with reaching adulthood and all. Like she actually scolded me when I said "I'd like to go out with my friends" and waited for their approval, because she said I was just making announcements and she wants me to ask next time. Even though I was still essentially waiting for them to say yes or no, I wasn't announcing anything. And she's said this before too, I'd leave for extra studies a little earlier sometimes to go get bubble tea and I'd tell her and then she'd go "I want you to ask beforehand". Why? She wasnt even home, no one was, and I would've left like 30 minutes later anyway cause I had to, what's the big deal? Or is it just about being controlled, hm? Is it that she can't watch me be an independent person? Feels like it.

Anyway my point was I have to literally ask for everything, like with a "Can I" and a question mark and all, because "We might have something else planned" (which as I said, if they had something planned for us to do would they not tell me? And either way, if something came up I'd just tell my friends I couldn't hang out after all cause something came up and it'd be fine. But no, she insisted.) but when it comes to me she just says "You're coming" and that's it and I HATE it. I HATE IT.

If she thinks she's bringing me closer to church this way someone tell her she couldn't be more wrong.

[rustbeltjessie]

It has been a hell of a few weeks. (Putting the rest under a cut because there's a lot of hard stuff.)

First I had a CoViD scare (was exposed, tested a bunch, never got it, thankfully); then I got some writing rejections/found out I didn't win some writing contests that were a big deal to me, and that made me super sad. (Sometimes rejections and losses just roll right off me, sometimes they hit me hard. This time they hit me hard.) Then I was busting my ass at my money-making side-hustle to make sure I could afford birthday presents for my youngest kiddo and Xmas presents for both kiddos + my partner, and I managed it, but I burned myself out. And then I basically had a nervous breakdown—it started on December 20, I had a really bad panic attack, the worst I've had in about 20 years, it lasted for over twelve hours. I felt a little better on the 21st and managed to hold it together for my kiddo's birthday celebration, but then the 22nd it started up again. I got the shakes really bad, like I could not stop shaking, and was also dizzy, and even though I was like 90% sure it was 'just' anxiety, I started worrying it was something neurological. Which of course made the anxiety symptoms even worse. So I went to urgent care. The doctor ran me through all the tests they do to check for neurological problems, and I passed them all. They diagnosed it as an anxiety attack and got me to a referral to the hospital system's behavioral health center. I haven't had an appointment with them yet, but hopefully I will soon. I was diagnosed with both Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder (or w/e it's called now) like 20 years ago, and did talk therapy + had a prescription for Xanax, but I haven't had any kind of anxiety meds or any kind of talk therapy in like...over 15 years. So it's probably a blessing in disguise that all this happened, because now I'll finally be treating my anxiety again instead of just trying to ignore it. Because that uh...doesn't work. In the meantime, I've been keeping my caffeine intake really low, because while caffeine isn't the cause of my anxiety, it certainly doesn't help.

Then on Christmas Eve, I had a flare-up of my chronic sinus issues, and I took another CoViD test, because a lot of my sinus symptoms mimic various CoViD symptoms. But I was CoViD-free, and despite feeling half-sick for it, I managed to have a nice Christmas Eve/Christmas despite it. Those symptoms cleared up on the 27th, and I was like: "Oh, good, maybe I can have a relaxing few days leading up to my birthday." And then I got into a big thing with my mom, it's a long story and I don't feel like rehashing it right now, but we were both hurt and angry. Fortunately, we worked through it the same day. Since then, things have been pretty good, but...now I'm having the anxiety shakes again. I drank more coffee today than I have been lately, and that's probably why. (Note to self: don't do that.) At least this time I know it's just anxiety, so I'm not spiraling thinking it's something else. I'm drinking a bunch of water, then I'm going to make myself a hot toddy and hopefully finally finish this fucking installment of my newsletter that I've been working on for a month now. It's been kind of hard to focus on writing with everything else that's been going on. And my birthday's in two days, and I'm tired. The end.

[lifblogs]

I have been thinking a lot about what I went through in the fall of 2022 lately. Probably because it was traumatizing, and what do you know, it's fall.

For those who don't know, I developed a painful, deadly illness called Stevens Johnson Syndrome in October 2022, and was eventually hospitalized (thank fuck) for it in November 2022. I beg you to not look this illness up, to not see the images. You will thank me for not doing so. It's horrific to look at, and even more horrific to be in a body that looks the way it did. Basically I felt like I had the flu at first, or maybe COVID. My mémère had just died, and I got testing done because I didn't want to go to the wake and funeral and risk getting everyone sick. I think I went through two weeks of that. It seemed to mostly go away in November. But at my dad's place I started to get itchy. And that's when it all goes downhill.

Stevens Johnson Syndrome is a severe, drug induced allergic reaction that causes a necrotic skin rash. Basically, you get a red-purple rash, feel like you're burning, your skin dies, and it falls off. This leaves a lot of room for infection to get in as well, and I had several (and the pitted scars to prove it).

I suffered for a long time, seeing doctor after doctor after doctor, and no one was helping me. I started wanting to kill myself from how much pain I was in. My skin literally felt on fire. There was heat coming off of it. I felt so hot a lot of the time. Movement hurt. Clothes hurt. I'd scream while taking the cold showers I was recommended to take (though I actually shouldn't really have been showering at all).

And my skin was coming off. I had a million open wounds on my body, a ton of burnt skin. It was a literal nightmare. I was given pain meds and antipsychotics at the hospital so I wouldn't try to kill myself from the pain. Sometimes at home the only thing keeping me alive was The Lord of the Rings.

What's interesting about this whole experience (aside from the fact that if the doctors had known what I had I most likely would have been treated in the burn unit) is that there is not a lot of research on the life-long effects.

But it's been two years, and I have noticed these effects more and more, and ended up looking into it. There are studies, but not enough for doctors to tell survivors what they're in for. It's tough. My hair is constantly coarse and brittle now, it falls out (supposedly this could be from scarring), the first layer of my skin tends to die and peel off if I skip a few days of skincare (this includes my whole body, not just my face). Recently I skipped skincare for a few days, and my feet hurt so badly from how dry they were that I didn't even want to walk. My nails are weak, and break and bend so easily. I get frequent tears in my skin around my fingernails, and recently I've had a whole entire half of a toenail peel off. My nose and mouth are almost constantly dry, sometimes to the point of pain. TMI, but my nose doesn't run anymore because everything just dries up and gets stuck in there. I have a hard time talking from how dry my mouth can get. And of course, there's a ton of scarring (more TMI, but a lot of the skin on my breasts is purple, though that's not too weird since the chest is one of the most effected areas). I've been noticing my scars more too, and thinking about them more. I notice them when I see my legs a lot in particular.

I was too sick to think about all this last year, but it's just, I don't know... odd, doesn't feel like the right word, but it's kind of surreal that this changed my whole life. So much of my daily routine revolves around caring for my skin, and apparently that's what a lot of burn survivors have to do as well. It's just crazy to think of the severity of what I went through, I guess. If I got more detailed about it you'd all need the body horror trigger warning. I just wish doctors would tell survivors what they're in for for the rest of their lives.

[timeoverload]

This week is going to be terrible and boring. I still don't feel great. I went to work this morning to get a covid test. My temperature was 99.9° so they couldn't send me home for that since it has to be 100° or higher. I had to wait 30 minutes for them to read my test. I didn't expect to have a positive test so I was planning on working anyway. The nurse called me to tell me I was positive and that I needed to leave. This is the second time I have gotten covid that I am aware of.

Normally I would be happy about having unexpected time off, but this is like the worst timing. I can't return to work until Tuesday. I won't have any PTO left. I don't think I even have enough to cover this week so I won't be getting paid for part of it. I already know that I probably will have to cancel my request for next Thursday. My boss already approved it so I don't know what is going to happen. I am not sure about the 26th yet. I hope I don't get written up. It shouldn't be so stressful to be sick.

I have to go next Friday even if I am tired. I will have Monday off too so I think that will help me to not feel so shitty at the end of the week. I might not get another chance to see you for a while if I don't go to see you next Friday. I'm not going to cancel my appointment for the 26th since it is still a month away. I don't want to upset you so I really hope things work out.

I don't feel quite as bad as I did yesterday. I think the headache and the body aches are the worst part. My eye sockets hurt. I'm not sure how to explain it. I had a feeling that I had covid yesterday because my bones felt like they were being crushed and that's how I felt last time. Food tastes weird. Hopefully my fever doesn't increase. I still don't know where my thermometer is. I'm glad I'm not having a lot of respiratory issues. I have a cough but it isn't that bad. I'm not having any issues breathing. My throat is a little scratchy but it could be worse. I definitely sound sick but I'm not congested.

Since I am being forced to stay home for a while, I should be able to build up the strength to get some cleaning done. It's hard to feel relaxed in here. I would like to be able to find things. I just need to fill up some more boxes to get stuff out of the way. I haven't accomplished much lately so it will be nice to be productive.

I'm not sure what I will do the rest of the day because I am sore. I think I will need to go back to bed at some point. I was trying to find something new to watch but nothing is exciting me. It's so frustrating. I haven't been in the mood to watch anything other than documentaries for a while. There aren't any movies that I want to watch. People will give me suggestions and then I forget them and brain dump them right away. I would like to read a book or something. Every time I try to start reading again, I get bored with it pretty quickly. I used to read so much when I was in high school and I really enjoyed it. I want to make art, but I don't know what kind of art I want to make. I don't know where to start. I don't know what my problem is.

I guess I should try to rest now. I wish I had someone to keep me company because this is depressing. I guess I will cuddle with the cats. I hope I can make it a good week somehow.

I hope that everyone else has a good week and that you all stay healthy. :) 💖💖💖

[afniel]

One of the tanks in my static now has the exact illness I had. He lives on the opposite coast from me. I do not enjoy the rammies or the impies of that! What the fuck is going around now kicking people's asses across the full country and the only real symptom is a hardcore fever and body aches that make you feel like you're going to McFucking Die? Covid tests came up negative for both of us, and we both had no respiratory symptoms at all, so the easy answer doesn't seem right, here.

Like, okay, in case this matters or makes sense in hindsight later (please gods I really hope not but I've seen enough to know), there are a few more kind of weird symptoms we matched up on while comparing notes:

Back pain. Especially lower back for some reason. He had notable lower leg pain, I had neck pain.

Headache. The kind that makes you feel like your skull is going to explode and cave in at the same time.

Debilitating brain fog. Like where you can barely process which room of your house you're in.

Time dilation. I usually am time blind anyway, but when I say the two and a half days it kicked my ass felt like literal weeks, I'm not even kidding.

Stomach pain and negative appetite. Not exactly nausea, but eating and drinking just hurt. Neither of us could stomach more than a few bites/sips of anything at all, no matter how depleted we got. If we pushed it and tried anyway, it would kinda feel like nausea, but neither of us even got close to throwing up.

No idea where we caught it. Neither of us are into going out for the sake of being out. Probably got it at the grocery or something like that.

So yeah, fuck if I know what that was, but it was not cool and it's apparently nationwide. I'm gonna be keeping an eye on currently circulating illnesses to see if I can figure this one out, because I have nearly died of pneumonia as a child and I still felt sicker with this mystery illness than I did when I was almost hospitalized.

[whiterosechrista]

Introduction

So. I'm realizing (with the vent time post kerfuffle) that it'd probably be a good idea for me to give people a basic understanding of who I am and where I come from, so that they can reference it if any of my posts come off odd/offensive/etc. out of context.

Basic Facts

I'm 24 years old, Caucasian, American, biologically female, comfortable with she/her and they/them pronouns. I'm an introvert who doesn't get out often, but I'm not some basement-dwelling Neckbeard-equivalent. I have a strong sense of empathy, which leads me to want to play mediator often (though thankfully I'm aware of my limits and don't act on every want). My likes include anime, storytelling, art, history, SCP, Kpop, science, outer space, and mac n' cheese (among other things). My dislikes include racism, ablism, homophobia, transphobia, and basically anything else involving unreasonable hate.

History

I grew up as effectively a single child, moving back and forth between houses because my parents were already separated, though not officially divorced. They both loved me, and tried their best to raise me well, but (for reasons I'll touch on later) I definitely bonded more with my mom than my dad. There was one house that at least one of them always lived in consistently, so I think of it as my childhood home.

I was a fairly happy child, I think, though there were some issues with bullying that I can't remember clearly anymore, and it did affect me, though maybe not as much as the school itself; I used to love to draw/paint, and I stopped after I got into school because art class convinced me I wasn't doing it "right."

The teachers (some, at least) didn't like that I learned differently than other kids (e.g. making connections between concepts in Math and English at age ~8), and so made me take one of those "morality tests"; multiple-choice questionnaires about moral decisions like returning a lost wallet (which, btw, I left blank because they hadn't given me enough info about the situation; they decided that meant there was something wrong with me).

(Ironically, this was a Montessori school, which are supposed to be less rigid about teaching styles than standard schools.)

So I transferred to a different Montessori school at age ~10, which had a system where kids would sign their name on their class sheet when they came in, and didn't like that I stopped to say hi to kids in other classes first (for reference, my class was on the second floor, the other kids' were on the ground floor).

Thus, for either this or some other reason, they recommended I go to therapy. My mom, thinking "well, she might have reason to need it", agreed. I spent a while there before the therapist said "this is the most well-adjusted child I've ever seen, please leave so I can tend to people who actually need me."

After about a year of this school, Mom asked if I'd like to try homeschooling, and that's what I've been doing ever since (though technically what we did was unschooling, which is a bit different).

It was after I started homeschooling that I started writing, got really into anime to the point of learning Japanese by watching it, and made my best friends to date.

I've done things like ballet, gymnastics, parkour, circus arts, piano, roller derby, and sang/played at Girls' Rock Camp/Club Boston (though I think the name's changed to be more gender-inclusive). I don't do much of this stuff anymore, though I might get back into it at some point.

Pre-Covid, I was taking drawing classes and Japanese classes (mostly for reading it, since anime didn't teach me that), and back in 2022, I got officially certified to teach English as a second language (though I've yet to find a job, unfortunately).

I'm currently living in an apartment with my mom, sitting around with a sprained back, hoping that it'll heal in time for my best friend to take me on a Duck Boat tour in Boston on June 2nd, and blogging for the first time in my life.

I hope this has helped. It feels like an info-dump, but apparently I can't make anything concise, so here we are.

Feel free to ask/comment/dm me for more details about anything (or just to chat). I might not be comfortable with sharing some things, but most things I should be fine with. Just be respectful about it and we should be good. :)

Edit; just realized I didn't touch on why I bonded more with my mom than my dad. The short version is that mom is open-minded, gentle (though she can definitely be stern), and always asks what I want before doing something, and my dad sort of doesn't always "get it." For instance; the moment I turned 16, he started badgering me about getting my driver's license, even though I barely went anywhere that wasn't in walking distance and anywhere I didn't could be accessed by either public transport or someone else driving me. He also wanted me to do SAT prep and similar things, got stuck in the "Alternative Medicine" rabbithole and somehow still manages to be surprised that my mom won't make me try it without my consent (for reference, this was after I sprained my back; it's not the first time he's wanted me to try Alt Meds and definitely not the first time my mom's refused). So, yeah. He's not a bad guy, and he definitely tries, he's just a bit too stuck in his own world sometimes.

[halogalopaghost]

venting abt medical stuff, tired so it prolly wont make sense anyway

I sat up to type somethingon my laptop and literally watched the veins in my hands become distended from blood pooling. it makes me mad because a quack "eastern medicine" doctor last year dx'd me with ""chi stagnation"" which is not a fucking thing, first of all, but he literally said my blood was stagnating and a bunch of other shit about my chi and all, and I wrote him off SEVERELY because. Blood stagnation is called LIVIDITY and it happens WHEN YOU DIE. I knew what POTS was at the time, but I hadn't even considered applying it to myself yet. Now a year later I'm waiting to be tested for POTS and self-treating POTS symptoms and like. well fuck. shit. damnb I guess mabye he was onto something.

and like...im just tired, man. everything's getting worse instead of better and I know it's probably becaue I had COVID a second time + autistic burnout is a thing I'm probably experiencing i guess. but I can't control flare ups, I can't control when I sleep or wake, I can't control when I feel nauseous or hungry or when I hurt or feel fine. I can't plan ahead for anything because it's a total crap shoot on whether I'll be capable or not. Not if I feel up to it, but if I'm CAPABLE. my feet have been hurting all day as if I worked a few 12 hour retail shifts in a row, and all I did was take a fifteen minute walk. my hands have turned red from the blood pooling in them now. I haven't slept for more than three or four hours in a row in almost a week. I can't sleep, but I'm exhausted. exercise doesn't help, it just makes my body hurt.

im tired. I haven't written in days because I havent really been capable of thinking in days. my brain fog has been so bad that I can't spell really basic words and it takes forever for me to formulate sentences. even when I do, they tend to be rambling and not make a whole lot of sense. I can't comprehend things im reading. I can't sleep. I tried meds and it didn't help enough. sigh.

[lucysweatslove]

Health recap, I guess? 2019 to present, because I'm so frustrated with my health atm.

Early 2019, I started with wrist pain whenever I used my hand to push on something. Nobody could figure it out. Did OT without much help. Was told it is "probably functional" but lost ability to do things I love, including lift weights and do yoga.

End of 2019, I got sick with an upper respiratory infection. I get colds periodically like everybody else. Nothing new.

URI did the whole "got better, then it got worse" thing and turned into a sinus infection and then my First Ever Ear Infection.

Went into urgent care; was given... some... antibiotic. I don't even remember the class. When this helped but didn't resolve, and the URI progressed to a cough and lower respiratory stuff, I was put on another antibiotic of a different class.

Eventually that antibiotic cleared it up, but I had a terrible cough for a few months. Also. Finally see a new psychiatrist who puts me on Wellbutrin and I feel so much better emotionally. Not physically.

Enter in COVID! I was working in a derm clinic and had to take my temp multiple times a day. We found I was persistently having fevers! Yay! I also was tremulous, nauseous, and lost weight unintentionally. This was on top of a couple year history of significant whole-body pruritis. Concern is something cancer.

Provider I worked for ordered labs while I waited to get into my PCP. My TSH was marginally high, which was unexpected. My PCP called and was like "let's put you on levo!" to which I said no, let's not, because I'm not presenting with any hypothyroid symptoms. I requested repeat TSH plus additional thyroid tests eg T3/T4.

Those came back normal, PCP was all "its a good thing I didn't start you on meds" like ma'am no, it's a good thing I had some medical knowledge and thusly refused and pushed for repeat studies. My PCP did not additional workup and took my temp via forehead scanner and was all "you're perfectly healthy."

Moved, and thus I needed a new PCP. New PCP did more extensive workup.

Start grad school fall of 2020. Can't focus well, suspect ADHD because my sister has ADHD and my historical depression, which I've blamed all my previous focus issues, is well-treated with Wellbutrin. PCP agrees but because of fevers doesn't think it's a good idea to start a new med yet.

Everything negative/clear/normal, including peripheral blood smear, blood culture, and chest and abdominal CT.

"Well, the next step would be a bone marrow biopsy..."

That sounds painful, no thanks. If it's something insidious, it'll eventually show up on routine labs and then we can do the biopsy. I continue to have fever and ear pain (even when my ears look "clear") and recurrent ear infections. I notice my hair is thinning too, and I keep getting recurrent scalp infections, but oh well. School goes fine even if I can't focus well, so I ignore that, too.

I figure out that my wrist pain is a ganglion cyst that nobody noticed because it didn't grow "up" but snaked its way through bones so it took 2 years for a "bump" to present. Had surgery to remove it in early-Mid 2021.

Constant stuffy nose starts in 2021, but my husband's hips died in mid 2021 and I focused more on him initially. I still can't focus and my nose is so stuffy it interferes with sleep.

Enter into a long discussion with my PCP where she refuses to acknowledge that I might have ADHD and thinks it's from my nose + inability to sleep. We try to treat it. Nothing works. Still. Stuffy.

Apply to medical school. Worried about ADHD and being able to focus and learn. Therapist who I've been working with since Husband's hips agrees it is ADHD but can't medically treat. Referred to testing because maybe if I have an actual diagnosis, my PCP would treat.

Diagnosed with ADHD + autism. Clinician assessor told me that my PCP's office doesn't usually "accept" his diagnoses.

Go to a PMHNP instead who won't prescribe stimulants without assessment from a specific neuropsych.

Placed on Strattera while I wait for neuropsych results. It's terrible. Fevers spike, I'm shaking all the time, can't sleep, like no change in focus. 0/10.

Do assessment with neuropsych. Only did some self-rating scales + the WAIS. WAIS test is voided because I've done it too recently. I still have to pay.

PMHNP finally says she won't make me go through any more hoops and we try Vyvanse. Vyvanse is amazing. I barely have any exacerbation of anything physical even.

Start medical school, things are OK and stable.

A few weeks into school (probably like, 6 weeks after starting the vyvanse, if it matters). I start feeling unwell and dizzy and like my eyes can't focus well, and I can't bring myself to eat. I figure I just need more hydration + electrolytes. Eat more salt, do better.

Two months into med school, everything flares. My scalp flares, I end up with a staph aureus infection not just on my scalp but by both of my ears, neck, and even a small abscess on my arm.

Treated for the staph but two weeks later develop widespread myalgias. Start taking daily Aleve to manage.

Fever is flaring without any particular pattern during this process.

Losing so much hair in the shower and in clumps. Husband can't find discrete lesions of baldness. I look at the hair and they are all telogen stage. Decide it's probably telogen effluvium from the stress of school.

Myalgias get progressively worse until I am in so much pain just sitting in class that if I forget Aleve for just one day, I'm almost crying and can only focus on the pain.

Finally decide to get another appoint with my PCP. It's in 2 weeks.

Why did I wait so long to see my PCP again? Because I am fat with a history of a restrictive eating disorder and I am absolutely petrified I will be labeled once again as the Overly Anxious Fat Woman that "just needs to meditate and lose some weight," and that when I bring up my new diagnoses and meds, I'll be told I "can't possibly be autistic" because I'm in med school and "present myself well" nor can I have ADHD because clearly I'm just an overly anxious fat woman.

[thatgirlwhokeepsreading]

[I am fine I am just saving people who don't want to see my covid venting]

Listen, for complete transparency I am behind on my covid boosters + still way more lax about masking than I should be, but I do have my reusable N95 + N99 masks that I wear everywhere bar my desk at work, students' houses*, or at home. We got the HEPA filters running 24/7 at home**. I STAY HOME WHEN IM SICK. I also remain very boring and masking in public aside I also really don't go to places where I'll be around strangers bar attending theatre (which is my JOB).

I am primarily concerned about covid, but to avoid people feeling the need to grill me I will sometimes swerve to say that my PhD advisor has bad lungs + is immunocompromised and so I'm actually not able to see her if I have ANY respiratory infection (which is also true). But also people look™️ at me in public and will sometimes directly challenge my masking, and sometimes (especially in theatre settings) I will get really pissed by this and actually grow a spine about it and talk about how not only are people dying and being disabled but also the theatre industry in Australia COLLAPSED and in order to keep my Fucking Job I NEED us to make it safe to gather in person. (Also I'm working in disabled theatre rn so... y'know... let's not kill our fellow artists y'all!!)

So this established, yesterday was the second time in less than three months that my brother's gf has come over while symptomatically sick. Last time she was fucken putting her toothbrush touching mine and everything so both myself and my brother got sick. I haven't been sick since early 2021, I suspect largely because I mask (which rocks imo), but then she comes over for a visit without telling my brother or anyone else she's unwell bc she's turned a negative RAT (it was negative RAT tests from all involved the whole illness so inshallah not covid).

That time she knew she was sick sick, and so even though she says yesterday she thought it was just hayfever that honestly doesn't win her much credit with me bc it clearly doesn't actually matter to her. And now she has turned a positive RAT and I am just apoplectic with rage. (My brother is also pretty fucken put out because she is apparently consistently not telling him if she's ill before they meet up, including when he goes over to hers.)

I am angry enough that I am waiting until I'm calmer to make it an official call, but honestly I am considering just banning her from our house. Ma'am you work in allied health what's not fucking clicking???

Like she's very apologetic and I appreciate that and MAYBE I'd be a bit more forgiving (given her symptoms were pretty mild and she does have my sympathy about trying to differentiate hayfever and illness) if I hadn't already been made "week in bed" sick by her THIS SAME FUCKEN RESEARCH QUARTER.

I also know that I'm extra mad bc at the moment she's acting as a symbol for my brain of all the people who should know better but don't even try, for the government policy that is going to kill the presence of the artform I love in this country and also like.... SO MANY FUCKING PEOPLE. Like she did not individually do that. But what she has done is at best risked and at worst transmitted this fucking virus to me and my housemates, after ALREADY making 2/3 of us sick less than 90 days ago, and I'm angry I'm so so so angry.

*this is probably the really risky choice

**which has also done wonders for the asthma so that's a nice bonus

[magpies4nights]

(Title is a joke don’t take this seriously (please don't go to Ecuador)) GASA4AM COSPLAY MEET UP AT 0°47'03.1"S 91°00'09.9"W 1:00 PM ECT, BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!!!! (dev log #10)

Hi guys. I haven't died yet, for the people who are waiting on my downfall. It felt like I was dying because I was sick! yippee! I mean, I still am, but I can walk around mask free because it's basically just a little itchiness in my windpipe, but compared to last week Friday (I felt so sick I couldn't even get out of bed without the help of my parents dragging me out or even lift my head for that matter), I feel great. With how sick I was, I kinda didn't get to work on the fan game as I hoped I could. Of course, I could have requested to have a break from classes, but I think they wouldn't be so lenient without a covid test and I'm sure it would have been negative. I also had to do homework on top of having a sniffly nose and walking around like I was hit by a car. You know heavy machinery? I had to deal with that with fogged up glasses. My mom apparently said that her dad lost part of his finger to a table saw, and I thought I was going to have history repeat itself, although hopefully that doesn't mean the 90's are making a come back. The only good thing that may have happened was the MTV shows, Humongous Entertainment games and the Parappa series. And before you argue with me, Nirvana started in the 80's, and Titanic (1999) is not a good movie. Rose didn't love Jack, she basically kills him in the end because there WAS enough room on that door. Everyone who says she didn't kill him is a Rose apologist/j

Anyways, no more depressing shit for now. I’m almost done with the locations. At last. I have one more to do and then it's everyone else’s sprites and maybe rework Xandra’s because there are some animation errors in her sprites such as her ears disappearing when she walks. So yeah, next week when I finally have down time and feel better I can work on them. With the way things are going I'll probably have to update y'all the week after my birthday (which is late March. You guys will know when I change my bio from 20 to 21 (whopee I get to finally drink *shudders*)), because good god, classes are also going real hard on me. Midterm on the 6th? No thank you. Not after that essay you made us write which I practically had several panic attacks because I thought that piece of shit was going to fail me. If you're asking if I failed, no, surprisingly it got me a 100. I don't know if the teacher gave me pity points but somehow she said my clarity and my content was great which is surprising because there is no way someone who is practically having a panic attack and is really sleep deprived could ever do that (me when I was writing that).

I’ll be honest, the bottom floor for the house was a nightmare because there would be times when I had to figure out how the hell it would do the thing I wanted it to do based on Xandra’s location.

Anyways, music time. For possibly the last time for dev blogs for this project:

WATER BOWL💧🥣 WATER- 🗣️ WATER- 🗣️WATER- 🗣️WATER BOWL💧🥣🗣️ W-W-W-W-WATER ✨𝓫𝓸𝔀𝓵✨ (I was sick (and I still am) when I made that song)

(I guess there's now 2 songs with vocals)

Oh yeah I also drew up some stuff to make up for Valentine’s Day because I think it’s funny. And also it’s to cope with the pain of when my parents said go to bed and I was sick and bored and I couldn't lift my head up.

I also drew up something which was an old concept I had with Priyah, where instead of just pestering Xandra she did it to everyone by disguising herself as an erson (specifically as a holiday erson) and since there was no valentines verson in GASA4AM that I knew of I decided maybe she could pretend to be one of them.

(Translation because I know my handwriting is horrendous: Hi guys I’m Valentine’s Verson but you can call me Val. I’m like your 4th cousin. (These guys don’t look convinced))

Trust me you will recognize her in that Valentine’s version/Val disguise once you smack her glasses on her and take the lipstick off.