#it's probably not covid I did a test but it doesn't feel like covid...

[davepetea]

.

[goldsbitch]

Twelve Grapes

-chapter 9, part 1 - Successful, a winner

It's like they're locked in a countdown. Charles said three, Max replied with two - who will say the final one?

"You pulled out of a fucking race, Max."

"So?"

word count: 7,8k warning: none

Max has had some bad, weird and confusing days - but Monday 6th of December 2021 will probably keep the strange pole position for a long, long time.

Weirdly enough, it's Lando who breaks the news to him. They're sitting in the paddock, halfway through some pre-race obligations, when Lando glances at his phone and lets out a sharp, loud, disbelieving laugh.

"No fucking way."

Max barely registers it at first, doesn't even look up from whatever stat sheet he's pretending to read. Lando says a lot of shit. Most of it isn't important. But then - the energy around them shifts. Out of nowhere, phones flash up, heads snap toward screens, people exchange glances that are just a little too knowing. Chain reaction if he's ever seen one. It's suddenly everywhere and the only time Max has seen the paddock being taken over so quickly by something was when they were canceling the first race due to Covid. Deep worry sets in that it's happening again.

Something is happening. Something big.

Max frowns, searching the surroundings. Everyone is looking at their phones.

Lando's grinning – a half-stunned, half-impressed smirk, like he's just been served the best piece of gossip of his life. Jesus - who is sleeping with whom now?

"Holy shit, dude." He turns his phone towards Max, screen glowing, words staring right at him. "Guess who just came out." It's like getting hit with a brick. At first, Max thinks it's just one of his weird dreams. Because this can't be real. Please, don't be real.

His fingers twitch, reaching for his own phone almost on instinct. The second he does, the words are already waiting for him. Headlines, tweets, articles, statements. All of them saying the same thing.

"Charles Leclerc comes out in powerful statement: ‘I refuse to let fear dictate my life.’"

He rubs his eyes, blinks hard at the screen, half expecting the text to disappear. It doesn't.

He scrolls down, then back up again, watching the same words arrange themselves in neat, perfect lines, like they haven't just ripped through the last two years of his life like a wrecking ball. Lando is still staring at him, waiting for a reaction, something, anything.

Max feels his jaw lock. His grip tightens around his phone. He forces out a sound that's supposed to be neutral, but it lands somewhere between a laugh and a scoff. "Why does he feel the need to let everyone know who he likes to fuck," he mutters. It's meant to be sarcastic. Dismissive. A throwaway line. Instead, it feels like swallowing glass. Lando frowns at him and shakes his head.

This can't be real. The reality sets in after the twentieth time the objectively well-written and heartbreaking text appears on his feed. Charles Leclerc coming out. It's exactly in his style - wild, unexpected, flared up and just spectacularly put together, so that nobody can really say anything against it.

Charles is fucking dramatic. Unapologetic, elegant, and most importantly - impossible to ignore.

He start to question it from every possible angle, deep in his own thoughts, while Lando runs around, seemingly trying to find more chatty people who will happily dissect this topic with him. Max? Lost in his own head. He didn't even notice him being gone.

Why now?

He why would Charles chose few days before the biggest night of Max's life? Was is to get into his head? To fuck up his championship? It is hard to believe Charles would stomp for something so low. He can't remember the last he was this angry and that truly says something - because 2021, the first year he's really challenging the championship title, is a rollercoaster and true test of his maturity. How is the world expecting him to stay calm now?

Or, is Charles doing the exact opposite? Did he rush it so that in case Max does end up winning the championship next week in Abu Dhabi, it's not seen as him trying to overshadow it? That would be too considerate from an ex. If that is the strategy, it's not coming from Charles. He has to fight every cell in him in order not to go and storm out into the Ferrari's scarlet den of hell and demand some answers. Because, unlike Charles, he does not do that.

//

It was bound to come up at their next PR meeting. The Red Bull stance being neutral, albeit supportive of Charles. "I am just surprised a tradition based brand like Ferrari would support gay rights," Max shuts the room silent with his unexpected analysis. His colleagues would probably expect literally anyone but him to do that. He doesn't even realize the words have left his mouth until the silence crashes down around him. They all look at him like he's just grown a second head. Maybe he has. Maybe he's turning into his father. Maybe he's just fucking tired. Or maybe he's just pissed off that Charles still knows exactly how to make him feel like a goddamn idiot, even from a distance. Worst of all – he can hear his own dark thoughts and just selfish they all sound.

"Well, to be fair, it is the 21st century and I think Ferrari realize that not supporting it would have worse consequences. Even the Pope has loosen up on his stance, so the whole religious aspect of it can be argued from Ferrari point of view." All of these people have no idea what Charles is actually like, and now they go on and lecture Max? It almost makes him laugh.

"I am sure Charles made sure twice that the Pope was fucking ok with him coming out."

He's not sure why he's saying things like that. What follows is a long, impromptu sermon on Max keeping comments like that for himself, or the team might have to be forced distance themselves from those opinions. It flows completely around Max.

He wonders what kind of scandal Charles had to rush forward to overshadow and it's then when the worst option of them all plagues his mind. He's not doing this to spite Max. To overshadow his potential championship. In fact, maybe Max is the last thing Charles would think about. It has been somewhat two years since they...you know. What if he found someone who did not hesitate at the worst possible time? And the next piece of news that will follow this one will be a cute couple photoshoot at one of Monaco's beaches. Bitterness sets in him, rent free.

His father clings onto Max like a fly in the days upcoming to the Abu Dhabi race. Max appreciates him being there to support. Jos acts like nothing is happening, and it's the closest thing to peace Max has had all week. And that's fucking terrifying. His father–of all people–is the only one who doesn't bring it up. Not out of consideration. Not out of respect. Just because Jos doesn't care. The only thing worse than everyone talking about Charles is pretending he doesn't exist at all. They don't talk about the Charles Leclerc news. In fact, he's probably the only person who doesn't bring it up, because it's all people seem to talk about this week. Somehow, Max managed to play his cards so badly that his father–who loves that Max keeps his true nature hidden–is the only person who provides a safe space. There is a small driver party the first day of testing, all in order to celebrate and lift up Charles' gesture. Max does not go. PR is mad as hell at him for doing so. He blames the pre-race stress and argues that he wants to keep distractions to minimum.

They can all go fuck themselves.

//

Max goes through a full on emotional turmoil in the following days–the last thing one would need right before the race of his life. His focus wavers. He's short-tempered, snapping at engineers, brushing off debriefs. Every single time he glances at his phone, there's another fucking article, another interview, another clip of Charles looking effortlessly radiant in the spotlight. On Wednesday, he arrives to the darkest places of them all. Jealousy. At first, he tries to convince himself it's about the timing. The inconvenience. The absolute nightmare of PR distractions right before Abu Dhabi. But it isn't. Because it's not about Charles coming out. It's about who Charles came out to. The whole damn world. He is becoming utterly annoyed by the fact he's not one of the lucky few who know Charles' secret.

Max hates it. Hates that he's no longer part of that exclusive group, now, every one on this planet got to have it too. Every time he sees another person celebrating Charles, praising him, supporting him - he wants to fucking scream. It's like being robbed of the thing that made him special. Something that was only theirs. Before a few sets of unfortunate photos took it away.

But, he knows it wasn't the photos. It was his own fear, cowardice and inability to step up. So, the morning of arguably the biggest day of his life, he skips breakfast, because he's too busy wallowing in his own regrets. For a moment in time, Charles was his. It's alarming how quickly time passes. It's going to be almost two years now.

It's getting late. He needs to get the fuck up and get ready for the hardest day of his life. Alone. Like he deserves.

//

He does not let the strange circumstances of the Abu Dhabi race phase him.

He won. He fucking won. The weight of a season, of every battle, of every late night staring at race data. The thing he's spent his entire life chasing. The world is a blur of noise, hands grabbing at him, pulling him into hugs, champagne spraying, the crowd roaring, his team shouting over each other, voices cracking with raw, unfiltered joy. This is what he was born for. He lifts the trophy high, and the rush of it swallows everything else. It doesn't matter how it happened. Doesn't matter what came before. It's real. His name is in the history books now. He is a fucking world champion.

He lets himself feel it.

Lets himself be swept up in the moment, in the flood of adrenaline, in the sheer, burning euphoria of achieving what he’s been chasing since he was a kid.

Right now, it's just him and this victory.

Pure. Unstoppable. Undeniable. He fucking did it.

But then–the podium lights die down. Fireworks run out of gunpowder. The anthem fades. The champagne runs dry. The high begins to slip.

And when the chaos settles, when the noise dulls into background static, when he's left standing there with the weight of the trophy almost bothering his tired hands - he realizes something.

He feels light. But not in the way he expected. Not weightless. Not victorious. Hollow.

Like he finally reached the peak of the mountain, only to realize there's no one waiting at the top. And suddenly, it's not enough. Not even close. Like all he ever fought for was not worth all the sacrifice he's had to make. Nobody warned him just how much that would cost.

He needs more alcohol. Like right now. An alarming amount, preferably.

//

Charles' new cologne is annoying. Too strong, too spicy, too musky. In fact, it is only now that Max is starting to take in just how much Charles has changed his style lately. Max has noticed before. But only tonight he really allowed himself to examine it. Like–like he kind grew into himself. No longer the awkward, shy kid, trying to find a way how to become elegant. No, he's stylish, brave and somehow always knows what to pick to wear. Not like Max - he's so shit at dressing himself he has to go and pretend like he does not care, the bad style becoming part of his brand. He's got no idea why this is on his mind, when there are more pressing problems. Like the goddamn ground, that keeps tilting. Someone pulled the plug on gravity. Ha, that's funny. Max stumbles, laughs, then nearly face-plants onto the concrete before someone yanks him upright again. His head is positively spinning, while fighting the dramatic changes of altitude.

Someone's carrying him, has his arm over the shoulder. Shouldn't people be treating him better than this? Rolling out red carpets, maybe? Carrying him on their shoulders forever?

Instead, this asshole is trying to drag him toward... some fucking car. Or maybe a hotel. Who knows.

Max decides–just to be difficult–that he doesn't want to go where they're taking him. So he does the only logical thing. He bolts the fuck away. Breaks free, takes off, laughing like a maniac.

And it actually fucking works, too.

For three whole steps.

Then a curb or some random stair tests his balance again. He's somewhat aware that he is drunk, but his brain finds that amusing. He figures the thing he's laying on is the ground. And that's just plain hilarious. He screams as loud as he can, ignoring the shadow looming over him. "I'm the fucking champion!" He takes few deep breaths and wonders where in the world they're nos. "Do you think they celebrate me back home?" he asks.

The figure above him manages to get him to a standing position again. "Max, I told you, I can't speak Dutch, I don't have a clue at what you're saying," he hears back and it only makes him mad. Max sighs dramatically. English, always English.

"Well, then learn it, I'm the champion!" he argues, probably switching to English, but who's he to know, and fights a burp.

The weirdly smelly person laughs. Actually, thinking about it now, it's a strong and brave cologne, not bad per say. Just different, new. Not Charles. It will never be Charles again. He would not bother to come and get him anymore. Max is not worth it. He's a champion and that's the only good thing he's ever going to be.

"Ok, chéri," the smooth voice laughs. "Come on, let's keep walking. Before some reporters catch up and you end up in the news."

The news. Charles. Max wants to throw up, but somehow, his disgust manifests as yet another manic laugh. "Ha, like Charles." He doesn't even know what he means. Suddenly, the idea of going to a place where he can plop his spinning head on a fluffy pillow is not the worst one. He follows the man and does not remember any of this in the morning.

//

Spending his hard-earned break between seasons with family, newly found friends, and the lingering high of his career peak isn't a bad way to live.

It makes him adjusting to the reality of Charles being openly out easier. It's a strange thing to observe, because while it felt like the world will never talk about anything else ever again, the news started to die down and inevitably, Max's win (and the controversy of it all) outshined it all. But, he's been proud of the community so far. He's signed off with the rest of the upcoming 2022 grid on a supportive memo, all the drivers sticking with Charles as one. The irony of it all is that it might have actually brought Ferrari a few new sponsors—talk about a crowning achievement.

It stings to be proven wrong so blatantly, but he's come to terms with the reality of it. His fear was misplaced. Charles gets to go and be happy. It helps Max find some version of inner peace with the whole situation. Maybe, he's finally ready to start moving on. He clings to his championship win. That's one thing nobody can ever take away from him. It's not like people - it won't walk away after he accidentally says something wrong.

The break is long enough for his to clear his head out. Start of fresh. New chapter in his life - post first WDC.

So, as he walks out to the paddock for the first that year, he smiles when he sees Charles and gives him a little wave. An honest one, after what feels like centuries. New dawn. New Max. Calmed down. Charles waves back with a tiny, cheeky smirk. It still fills Max's stomach with butterflies. It probably always will—but he's okay with that.

//

Charles secretly loved watching the mayhem right after his carefully drafted and approved by the highest of the higher-up at Ferrari dropped. The talks with his team hadn't been easy. But he was relentless. He threatened with the worst. And it worked. He won his freedom—and their hard-earned support.

It only took few good dates with a particularly cute French model from Paris to make his coming out inevitable. Blond, funny and most importantly – the first person to make him forget Max when he made him come. Finally, it's been embarrassingly long time for Charles to keep himself hooked up on his ex. So, he did it. Started living his truth. Weeks flew by fast. Life moved on. The backlash was pretty bearable. Until it all of a sudden wasn't.

It happened in Bahrain, the news breaking in a way eerily similar to how he imagined his own coming out did. Only this time, he was on the receiving end.

He's called into the Ferrari meeting room immediately.

They're supposed to race in Jeddah next week. He stares at the words in front of him, unable to believe them.

He's not allowed to enter the country unless he retracts his statement.

It's the first time he cries in front of the team.

He doesn't say anything at first, just gets his emotions in check as quickly as possible while someone cuts the tension by speaking—his PR manager, maybe, or someone from legal—but the words are muffled, meaningless, drowned out by the static in his ears.

"Charles?" A voice cuts through. His team principal. He looks up, realizing too late that his vision is blurred. He’s gripping the table so tightly his knuckles are white.

The room is silent, waiting for him to say something. He's not sure how long he stays in that chair, staring at the email, at the logos stamped at the top, the diplomatic language hiding the real message underneath.

Back down, or stay home.

Charles swallows hard, then exhales shakily. This was the one things the team used as the worst case scenario, their main leverage when discussing his coming out. The truth is, he knew something like this was coming. He had thought about it, had played this option out in his head a hundred times. But none of that had prepared him for how it would feel to be faced with it in real-time. Still, he does not budge from what feels like the right thing to do. "We knew this might come. I'm sorry for the inconvenience," he states simply. The one thing having him hold it somewhat together is the relentless support many people, from family all to plain strangers, have given him. He won't back down now.

The team principle sighs. "Okay. We'll pull out the reserve driver."

Charles' fingers loosen their grip on the table, and he forces himself to nod. That is probably the worst sentence a racing driver ever gets to hear. "Okay," he says, though it’s not okay. Not even close. "So… What do I do?"

There's a beat of hesitation, like nobody wants to be the one to say it. Like he's the only one who's not invited to the party.

"You don't have to do anything," his PR manager says carefully. "We have a plan ready to be put in place."

He's just now becoming aware just how much this affects everyone in the room. He shares one look with his manager, who nods knowingly. The meeting is cut short. Few of the key people stay back to handle the procedure. Charles is not part of that. There's nothing left for him to do apart from packing and catching a plane.

As he walks out, the walls cave in. It was never going to be easy. He knew that. But somehow, this still feels like a gut punch.

And for the first time, it sinks in—some doors, once opened, can never be shut again.

//

Charles lands back in Nice in what seemed like the longest flight in the history of mankind.

There are fans with rainbow flags waving at him gathered at the airport. He tries to reach every single one of them, taking photos and signing whatever they hand him. He listens to heartbreaking stories and encouraging words, each one a quiet reminder of why this matters. It makes everything just a little less bitter, a tiny bit more sweet.

One girl hands him a homemade sign that reads, Thank you for making us feel seen, and his throat tightens as he signs it. When he moves to the next fan, a boy no older than sixteen whispers, Because of you, I told my parents, and Charles has to blink quickly before his emotions get the better of him.

Still, when he arrives in his apartment, alone, he questions absolutely everything about his decision. Due to his unwillingness to take his statement back, he is out of the race. He's joining the team back in Australia. His lawyers works overtime with Ferrari lawyers on potential lawsuit, the word International court flying around nonstop and they're trying to prevent this from happening in other countries which might have some issues with him.

He is grateful, truly. Still, it does not soften the blow–his life's work is being compromised by the selfish need to not hide his sexuality. He wonders whether his father would approve. Pascale says he would. But, she is not a racer. She might not fully grasp just how much of a sacrifice people like them are willing to make.

Racing comes first. He's raced with fevers, heartaches and heart brakes. He's heard stories of people completing the race with broken, unhealed bones.

Charles throws his duffel onto the couch and barely has time to kick off his shoes before his phone starts vibrating violently in his pocket. It's Pierre. Again.

He's already called - what? Five times in the last hour? Charles had ignored the previous calls, assuming Pierre was just trying to check in, to offer his usual mix of inappropriate jokes and poorly disguised concern. Charles appreciates it, he does, but tonight he's not in the mood. He just wants to disappear for a while, keep his head down like his team advised, and wait for the world to move on.

The call stops. A moment of silence. Then his phone lights up again.

Pierre (12 missed calls)

Charles frowns. That's excessive even for him.

His thumb hovers over decline, but something uneasy curls in his stomach. He sighs, then picks up. "Pierre, I swear—"

"FUCKING FINALLY!" Pierre cuts him off, voice loud enough that Charles has to pull the phone away from his ear. "Charles, open your damn phone. Open Twitter. Instagram. Whatever. Just open it."

Charles groans, rolling his eyes. "Pierre, I told you, I'm staying out of it. Whatever drama it is, I don't have the capacity for it now."

"I don't care what your plan was, just fucking look!" Pierre's voice is sharp, urgent. His usual teasing tone is completely absent.

Charles clenches his jaw. His plan—Ferrari's plan— was to lay low, to let the lawyers work, to let the outrage pass. He wasn't supposed to make statements or react to anything. The media storm would die down eventually, or at least that’s what they told him.

"Pierre, I—"

"I swear to God, Charles, if you don't open your phone right now, I'm flying to Monaco to do it for you."

There's something in Pierre's voice that makes Charles hesitate. This isn't just a friend panicking over bad headlines. This is something else.

His pulse kicks up. Stomach turns. He just prays it's not about him. Let someone else have drama too. He sits down on the couch, reluctant, but presses his thumb against his phone screen to unlock it. He taps open Twitter first—against all better judgment.

The top trending topic punches him in the gut.

MAX VERSTAPPEN PULLS OUT OF JEDDAH: “IF CHARLES CAN'T RACE, I WON'T EITHER.”

The air disappears from his lungs. He stares at the screen, unable to process what he's seeing. He blinks, expecting the headline to change, for it to be some sort of mistake or a cruel joke. But it doesn't change. His fingers feel numb as he scrolls down, past the official statement, past the avalanche of reactions.

Max's quote is everywhere. Every account, every outlet, every fan, every journalist is dissecting it:

"I will not be racing in Jeddah. It's a stupid decision from the organizers and I won't be part of it. If Charles can't race, I won't race either."

Charles' heart is pounding now, too fast, too loud. He swipes through post after post, his breath shallow, his vision unfocused.

This is - this is insane. This is Max throwing himself into the fire. Max. The same guy who broke up with him just because of a dinner over at his mother's.

Pierre is still talking in his ear, words blurred by the deafening static in Charles’ head.

"Charles?" Pierre’s voice cuts in, softer now, like he knows Charles isn’t breathing. "You there?"

Charles swallows, forces himself to find his voice. "Yeah," he croaks.

And then, quieter, like he's afraid to say it out loud -

"What the fuck is this?"

Pierre breaths loudly, his concern obvious. "Yeah, it's wild. Mental. I mean—he's already flown out of here. Gone."

"What-"

"Charles, fuck - NO!"

//

At this point, it should be considered Charles' signature move. Get up, don't ever think twice about it, race over to Max's apartment and knock on the door until he caves in. He's done it so many times, Max must be expecting him at this point.

Only - he's not. Because, according to the concierge Charles has grown fond of in the past, he's not even home yet.

By some sheer superpower infested in Charles from gods themselves–the irresistible charm, his smile, his reputation and innocent glint in the eyes–he manages to convince the old man, who still remembers Charles visiting Max back in the day, to let him in and wait for Max inside his own apartment. He never gave his key back.

It starts to look like a crazy idea only once he's pacing around his kitchen once again, Max nowhere to be seen, but–crazy times call for proportionately crazy actions. It's been maddening twenty-four hours of Charles' life, each minute out-doing the previous one. His life is already a strange one, full of ups and downs, but this time, it truly feels like he's stuck in some sort of weird, sadistic film.

The apartment feels both familiar and unfamiliar all at once, and that only makes it worse. Charles has been here before, so many times, too many times–but now, it's like stepping into a life that's moved on without him. There's more objects scattered around in general, but Max still can't beat the neat-freak, accidental minimalist allegations. Most prominent change comes in the form of all the cat related equipment, though no matter how much Charles searches, there is no cat in sight around the whole apartment. They seem to bring at least some level of chaos into Max's apartment and Charles for one is grateful for that. Out of anyone in the world to take up his role after they parted, he's glad that it's the cats stepping up to the job. He's already on their team, before even meeting them.

His pulse refuses to settle. The silence is suffocating. He tries to sit at the kitchen table, bouncing his leg, then shoots up again, heading to the counter. For some ungodly reason, he starts rearranging things - shuffling Max's coffee mugs, realigning the salt and pepper shakers, moving a dish towel before realizing what the fuck he’s doing. He stares at his own hands. He's full on losing it.

It's late March and the sun still sets incredibly soon. The sky outside shifts from deep blue to near black, the apartment quickly swallowed in the slow creep of night. He sprints over to turn the light on in order to start rearranging the things back to their original spot when - Jesus Christ, the lighting. He almost forgot. A sharp, cold, white beam drowns everything in, lighting up every corner of this goddamn apartment. Charles could well enough start performing open-heart surgeries in this place, that's how horribly sterile it feels. He shuts the main light back off and proceeds to light up the few lamps Max owns. He lets out an irritated huff, running a hand over his face. The only decent light in this entire place is still coming from the lamps Charles had forcefully bought for him "as a gift."

Charles had shoved the lamps at him like a peace offering, complaining about how he wasn't going to go blind every time he spent the night here. Max had rolled his eyes but kept them anyway, and now they sit there, casting a warm glow over the apartment like a little, unshakable piece of Charles still lingers here. Good, he thinks. It tickles the petty and sassy part of his brain.

"Max, you're rich. Hire a damn light designer. You don't have to live like a fucking vampire."

"Light designer. Why would I pay for one, I have you?"

"Not funny."

"I think even if I did, you'd still go around moving everything two centimeters to the left."

"Because I actually have functioning eyes, Max."

"And yet, you still choose to look at me."

"Still not funny."

"Of course."

Charles almost glitches before realizing - the last line wasn't part of the memory. This one echoes not only inside him brain, but bounces of the white walls surrounding him.

His head turns automatically. The rest of the body follows. Max. Standing there, door behind him already closed and for a moment–a long moment–it's like Charles is back in late 2019. Sneaking out of his mom's place to spend the evening here, with the guy standing in front of him. This is a different Max, not the reserved and professional paddock version of him, and also not the young guy he used to know. There is a man, confident, oh-so-sure of himself, just like he always has been, only now the rest of the world believes in that too.

His eyes are burning holes into Charles and it's the same rush he feels before every race. Charles is someone who can't help but play with fire, either be that in order to impulsively walk directly into one, knowing well enough it's going to consume him, dissolve him into particles and leave him scarred for life. He will feel something and it will be painful, but self-destruction is his favorite coping mechanism. Max of today feels like a different type of flame. Like a warm candle, and maybe if Charles is careful enough, he might hover his finger in the flame for long enough, to feel the heat but snatch it back before it starts to sting. There is no way of knowing which kind of fire Max represents today. But Charles knows one thing–he's the one holding the matches. It takes him one look into the annoyingly alluring blue eyes to know. One quick glint to the smirk-laced smile. Max still has a pull over him. Like no one before him had. And standing here, right now, it seems impossible anyone else ever will, at least in this intensity. Just when Charles thought he might be finally over him.

Max hasn't moved any closer, not really. But his eyes–his eyes are doing something dangerous. There's something in them, something Charles shouldn't be looking at too closely, because if he does, he might start believing in things he has no right to believe in. It's more like recognition. Like Max has been here before, like he understands this situation just as much as Charles does–but whether he's willing to act on it, Charles can't tell. It feels like they're right back in the moment when Charles stormed out last time. Time has passed, there is evidence everywhere around them and also written in their faces. But it's like nothing has changed at all.

Charles suddenly remembers all the anger he felt when he raced out of Monaco. And it's right back in him. It's like they're locked in a countdown. Charles said three, Max replied with two–who will say the final one?

"You pulled out of a fucking race, Max." Silence follows. Charles tries to make his statement sound accusatory, like he's mad at him, like Max had done something wrong. But his tone slips up, betrays him when he needs him the most and allows his sentence to sound just a little too...Challenging. Cheeky. A skilled ear would catch the flicker of satisfaction buried underneath.

One would have to only guess if Max is someone who still can be considered a person, who knows Charles enough to be able to recognize that.

Max exhales, finally dropping his keys onto the counter. He moves deeper into the room, closing the distance between them with slow, measured steps. Then, his eyes find Charles', and something in his stare sends a shiver down Charles' spine.

"So?" Max says simply.

And fuck. Charles doesn't know what to do with that.

chapter 9, part 2

-------

@chezmardybum @biancathecool

[sirfrogsworth]

Very personal question so I understand if you don't want to answer. Did your diagnosis feel like a relief, socially? Mine isn't the same, but on one hand I feel relieved to have an "excuse" for being so friggin tired all the time. Society can't "morally" call me weak or lazy anymore. I can actually get some of the rest I need, without people judging me as harshly for it. No one's going to smack a chemo patient and tell me to be productive at all times... I find it sad that I have to have a justification for being exhausted. Nothing's really changed besides a label, but I'm suddenly allowed to feel like shit when I wasn't before.

I have a weird relationship with my diagnosis.

CFS doesn't have a blood test. It doesn't have a genre of specialists who are trained with a specific diagnostic protocol. The only CFS specialists are doctors who took it upon themselves to learn more about the condition and then self-label as specialists. Which unfortunately means there is a high rate of CFS quacks.

To get a diagnosis you have to go to every doctor you can think of, in every specialty you can think of, and gather negative diagnoses like Pokemon. And once you have ruled everything out, you have to find a doctor that kinda/sorta knows what CFS is, and they will officially declare you have tried everything and *probably* have CFS.

And even though most people with CFS are 99.9999% sure they have CFS, there is still that anxiety in the back of our minds that can't help but doubt.

Then there is the social stigma (which is improving) where new people you encounter, doctors, and sometimes even close friends and family, will very much doubt you have the illness. They might think you are being dramatic. Or you are exaggerating. Or they will think you have depression for years and shock your brain. They will think "Well, I get tired too." Or they won't believe there is nothing you can do about it. They still have that mindset "If I had that, I could get better." Or they will think, "If I had that, I could push through it with my epic constitution and boomer work ethic."

So, honestly, I am still kind of waiting for my diagnosis in a way. Every year or so an article will drop saying "The CFS blood test is almost here!" and then no further details. That damned blood test has been coming every year for like 15 years now. It's like cold fusion.

But I will say, when something else is wrong with me and there is a definitive test or a firm diagnosis from a proper specialist—that definitely feels like a relief. I am so tired of my body manifesting medical mysteries that even when something is terribly wrong with me, if I know exactly what it is, I am almost chuffed about it.

Doctor: The blood tests came back and you have life threatening sepsis. We will need to perform surgery to remove a giant piece of your back skin.

Me: Neat!

True story. (Warning: Very gross)

When I took my sleep study nap test and they were like, "Yep, you got narcolepsy as well." I was so happy that I had a "real" illness that I could use to convince doubters I was sick. Unfortunately everyone thinks narcolepsy is just falling asleep at weird times and they don't understand it much beyond that. So that wasn't as helpful as I initially hoped.

Now that Long COVID is causing serious cases of CFS, I have noticed a few people taking it a bit more seriously. But I have two uncles who think I am weak and lazy and was just mooching off my parents for 20 years. And apparently I have been disowned from that side of the family because of it.

But if that blood test ever actually happens I will come back to this post and let you know.

I'm sorry you required a diagnosis for people to take you seriously. But I hope your treatment is successful and you can just be healthy and not have to worry about stigmas. I'm rooting for you. Get that rest and take care of yourself.

[bioethicists]

hey i'd really love it if you could say more about biopolitics? i hadn't heard that before and it seems fantastic.

😅 u guys humor me too much- these type of asks are like catnip for me i am rolling around on the floor

biopolitics was originally conceptualized by foucault in a series of lectures- the very simple explanation of it (which foucault scholars probably would feel doesn't do it justice) is that the state has a vested interest in creating citizens who are "healthy" (as defined by the state usually by military/work readiness) + reproducing more "healthy" citizens (in this way it often intersects with outright eugenics). people often refer to it as the politics of "making live + letting die" (necropolitics by achille mbembé is an incredible analysis of this second part, focused on colonial power's interest in determining who dies)

what this means is that, at its core, the state engages in programs to improve the "health" of the population not out of altruism but because it needs a supply of work-ready, combat-ready, reproduction-ready individuals. the concept of "health" is tied up in one's ability to perform labor in service of the state, so much so that disorder or the severity of disorder becomes defined by this ability. public health efforts center not on decreasing suffering but on restoring the population to a condition in which they can once again perform labor (including reproductive labor) + serve the greater needs of the state.

my friend cora at umadison did an excellent presentation on how the u.s evokes within "anti-obesity" campaigns a concern that "obesity" is a threat to military readiness. messaging concerning family planning/abortion are often engaged by the state to coerce certain ppl into having children + others NOT to, based on the idea of the Type of Citizen they want. on a deeper level, this haunts us from birth- were there programs to try to improve your mother's pregnancy? public school health surveys? scoliosis tests? presidential fitness tests? irt COVID-19, whose death was seen as acceptable + whose death was seen as worth preventing? was prioritizing a 'return to work ' an out-of-the-blue approach or a natural conclusion of a public health system structured around producing + maintaining a steady supply of labor? none of this is asserting that state public health intervention is inherently BAD, just that its core motivations are not altruistic but rather political (so it has no interest in expanding into a public health model where fitness to work/serve/birth is NOT seen as the marker of health).

a very cynical read of the opioid epidemic would be that the state is so heavily involved now because it is finally impacting individuals that they want to Make Live. harm reduction is reluctantly being adopted (thanks to the tireless work of incredible activists!) but only if it can fit into the framework of Making Them Live Until They Can Become Sober. sobriety is the unspoken end goal not because it reduces suffering but because it allows for workers. the truly liberatory logic of harm reduction, which focuses on autonomy + safety + reducing suffering, is antithetical to the motivations of a state which openly despises those who don't 'produce' proportionately to what they receive.

my interest is in reimagining medicine + the body + disability + suffering outside of this biopolitical framework by acknowledging that our very definitions of all of these things have been engraved in the public imagination with labor production in mind. i'm not interested in trying to create new state programs that are 'untouched' by biopolitics because that's impossible + i can still extract tangible benefits from it (for example, i got all my covid vaccines early + for free bcuz my labor was important enough for the state to invest in my life). the idea is to engage with these programs clear-eyed + willing to look at who we Make Live + who we Let Die. most importantly, we can find what lies outside it all + envision new ways of living

[butterflydm]

wot s2 trailer: detailed second look

Okay, that's a lie, I've watched it more than twice. But, yes.

Spoilers mostly for show stuff but also for relevant book stuff through around The Great Hunt.

I have sadly been persuaded that we will not get Rand In The White Tower. One of my earlier speculations (around a month ago), I did suggest the idea that Siuan might go to Cairhien, though it was in the context of "going with Mat" and Mat's plotline still seems so up in the air, so who knows where he'll be. But Siuan going with Logain does set up some interesting opportunities.

When I was thinking Siuan would go with Mat, I was thinking it would happen after the girls had been tricked to leave by Liandrin, but if she's going with Logain, I think it's more likely that her absence leaves an opportunity for Liandrin to pounce on the girls while she's gone. Especially if Siuan doesn't give them any information.

I am really excited by the idea of Rand and Logain having a conversation here, it sets up some interesting things for the future.

I feel like a lot of @markantonys's thoughts here are still pretty likely in light of what we saw in the trailer: https://markantonys.tumblr.com/post/720125468680060928/my-rough-guesses-2x01-a-taste-of-solitude

Maybe Siuan's trip to Cairhien is around episode 6-ish (making Siuan and Moiraine's reunion in ep 6 in both s1 & s2).

It really is hard to figure out where Mat's storyline is going because the covid change really did take him pretty far off-book (and since he's still in his Two Rivers clothes in Falme, that implies he's had no chance to get a change of clothes at any point).

I am also really wondering how action-packed the finale will be vs emotional beats -- will Rand reunite with his friends or will we be focused on the action?

So, we see wanderer Rand in one shot: with 'Selene'. I'm guessing that's right after she arranges for him to 'save' her from something dangerous. Then we have a few shots of him in plainer shirts or in no shirt. Then we have the blue robe-like overshirt. Then we have the fancy black emo coat that it looks like he wears for the rest of the season.

We have Moiraine in her traveler's clothes for a bit, including I think when she first sees Rand again. Then she takes a bath and changes her clothes, probably, and tries again with Rand.

We're probably going to see Egwene & Elayne in novice whites for pretty much the whole season after Egwene arrives at the White Tower. It looks like Nynaeve has a bit more variation but mostly in episode three (probably) when she has her Accepted Test. It does seem like we're going to have at least one flashback (Moiraine and Siuan New Spring'ing it up) so we may get more flashbacks for each of the characters -- Perrin's flash of happiness with that young girl might be a flashback.

So, attempting to place things in order --

Episode One: Perrin & co start on their Hunt for Horn and dagger; Rand wanders the countryside, Moiraine & Lan... maybe end up researching with Verin (and that's how we're introduced to her and how she works her way into the plotline?) or something else; Mat gets nabbed by Liandrin and taken prisoner; and Egwene & Nynaeve arrive at the White Tower (meet Elayne?). Nynaeve tells Alanna that she's not sure anyone should have as much power as they tell her that she has.

I suspect all the scenes of Moiraine & Lan at night with the Fade are episode one, since it vibes like Moiraine still looks like she did at the end of last season, so this is them leaving the Blight maybe, because Moiraine needs to process a lot of shit right now. The Perrin riding scene could happen here or in the next couple of episodes. This also might be when he encounters The Wolf Who Might Be Hopper that we see later in the trailer (or... etc).

Episode Two: Rand spends time with Selene (the cuddling shots). We may start with a cold open relating to either Ishy unearthing bloody Lanfear or something related to the Seanchan. I'm guessing this episode will cover basically the entire Rand and 'Selene' relationship, with them separating either at the end of this episode or the very beginning of episode three.

Episode Three: Nynaeve's Accepted test! All the shots of her in her shift and all bloody go here. Her surge of power near a house that looks like it's in the Two Rivers style goes here. I'm guessing that Lan on Mandarb in the woods also goes here. We will probably also get Egwene and Elayne building up their friendship in this episode. This is maybe the episode where we get shirtless Rand as he broods in Foregate.

Episode Four: Moiraine catches up to Rand (finds him in Foregate; he pins her; she and Lan have a conversation about Rand; I'm guessing she sends a message to Siuan that inspires Siuan to decided she needs to go to Cairhien with Logain, to help get Rand under control; has a Sad Bath; and dresses like a Cairhienin).

Episode Five: Perrin & co have their run-in with the Seanchan. This might be the episode where we meet Aviendha and have a run-in with the Whitecloaks as well? If Loial gets captured by the Seanchan at the start of the episode, then Perrin can run into the Whitecloaks later as he's trying to figure out how to help Loial. Has Fain given the Seanchan the Horn yet? I'm curious about how they'll pepper the Seanchan throughout the season. Siuan leaves the White Tower with Logain to travel to Cairhien.

Episode Six: Starts with Liandrin at the Darkfriend social and ends with her delivering the girls to the Seanchan (so all the damane capturing scenes & etc; "if our friends are in trouble, why would I ever stay here?" scene with Egwene and Elayne). Rand talks first to Logain (more casual blue robes) and then gets dressed in his fancy black emo coat that he'll wear the rest of the season and talks to Siuan. Might go off on his own at the end? This might be the episode where we get the New Spring flashback, see Moiraine & Siuan happy and young and then hear Gitara's Foretelling?

Episode Seven: Focus on Egwene in captivity, which I expect to be really brutal. We'll probably get a lot of Seanchan-related info in this episode. How long she is in captivity probably depends on how Rand is traveling to Falme (because I think this will be his traveling episode). Mat is also approaching Falme at this same time maybe? We have so little info to go on regarding Mat, lol. Perrin is already in the area. It's possible that this is when Perrin meets Aviendha, depending on how many episodes we have her for this season.

Episode Eight: Rand faces off against Turak. Whatever that explosion at that gate is happens. Mat stabs someone with a spear (that potentially has raven detailing). Probably lots of other (Horn-related and breaking-Egwene-out related) stuff happens too! I really hope we get some emotional moments of people realizing that Rand isn't dead, though (unless they find out earlier -- Liandrin might tell Egwene & Nynaeve that Rand is alive).

I am hardcore mourning that I can't see any place in this structure for my Randlayne meet-cute. Rand really isn't in an emotional place for meet-cutes. :-(

I am really curious to see how Moiraine and Lan's relationship evolves in this season. It looks like they run into some friction between each other and so I wonder if we'll get Lan offering Rand suggestions on how to face the Amrylin Seat and Moiraine disapproving (like happens in TGH), maybe because now that Rand is a person and not an idea, Lan wants him to have control of his own destiny?

There was no sign of Moiraine or Lan in the Falme-related shots, but we did get those still of them walking on a beach, with Moiraine in her Cairhienin dress. If she were traveling on her own with just Lan, I'd expect her to be back in her traveling clothes.

We're going to be getting Perrin losing himself in the wolf and getting scared of it, when he kills that Whitecloak. Pretty sure that the wolf we saw in the trailer is going to be Hopper. We didn't get any shots of Elyas but I think he's been confirmed for the season? We also didn't get any shots of Loial and we know that he's there because of that earlier still that was released. We know that he's the first of the group to end up in Seanchan territory, because Loial has been captured by the Seanchan as of episode five. I do still suspect that Verin will be in Perrin's plotline mostly, but there's a chance that we first get introduced to her via Moiraine searching for answers.

I think we won't get confirmation that Liandrin is a Darkfriend until maybe episode six, when she tricks the girls into going into the Ways. Maybe the cold open for that episode is the Darkfriend social? Either that or it's the cold open for episode five and the audience learns about Liandrin the episode before her betrayal of the girls (maybe this is when we see her up by the Flame of Tar Valon and the place where the rings are melted).

I'm guessing that Min will pop up in two or three episodes, maybe? She's not listed as a regular, I don't think, so she won't be in all eight. She's likely in Tar Valon and will likely go along with the Wondergirls to Falme, like she does in the books, so we may get her meeting Aviendha in Falme. It really depends on the pacing of the final episode and how much post-battle time we get.

I do feel like Rafe is invested in showing the realistic emotions of our characters, so I'm hoping we get some downtime where all the polycule all gets to meet each other and we get some reunions between the characters.

It looks like we'll be getting a lot of Egwene & Nynaeve's emotional beats from the show. We'll be meeting Elayne and getting introduced to her brothers and potentially Elaida. They'll probably spend five episodes in the White Tower and then head to Falme for the last three.

Mat remains our biggest question mark. We know he starts in Tar Valon, spends some time captured by Liandrin, and then somehow ends up free in Falme, wielding a spear. And that's pretty much it.

Here is all the detail I wrote out about each of the shots (so where I'm getting some of my guesses from):

Shot 1: Moiraine in Foregate. We know this is episode four because of the photos we got earlier of this scene. I'm assuming that this is her working on locating Rand at the moment. She's dressed up Cairhienin style, high and modest neckline and keisera.

Shot 2: White Tower from above, craning down to get a better look at the sides, where we see a bright blue dress. This might be part of what is likely a flashback that we'll get to later. I am guessing the Moiraine does not go back to Tar Valon this season at all, at this point. It also just might be another Blue Ajah Sister in a wide shot!

Shot 3/4: Moiraine is sad in her bathtub. I'm guessing this is in one of the first three episodes, but it might be episode four. I'm guessing this is the Bath of Sadness that will lead into her dressing up in her Cairhienin outfit.

Shot 5/6: Rand stands on a floodplain-ish area that I'm guessing is him approaching Falme (...I don't know geology). He appears to be alone in this shot but he also might be out of camera view of whoever he's traveling with. We see here that his fancy new emo black coat has a rising sun motif. I feel like we saw something in the promos about Aviendha having a rising sun thing somewhere? Is my brain making that up or is it real? Plus it also would connect to both Elayne & Moiraine for obvious reasons. And it's the opposite of Lanfear's moon motif. We do see Rand both from behind and from the front and he looks alone in both shots. Probably episode seven or eight.

Shot 7/8: These appear to be connected. Moiraine facing a Fade. This might be Moiraine and Lan leaving the Blight? Or just them traveling at night? But I think Moiraine is wearing her traveling clothes from last season in this shot, though the lighting is pretty dim, so it's hard to say. And she has the knife from last season too. So my guess is that this is from episode one.

Shot 9: Ishy looking kinda business-casual, just in a shirt, though it looks like he may have a tie-holder. Darkly-lit scene. He bamfs away, using... well, if you know, then you know. It goes beyond the spoilers I listed at the top. I think this is the same outfit he's wearing later when he's hanging with Suroth (which is different from the outfit he's wearing in the scene with Loial that we only saw a photo of).

Shot 10: Egwene... maybe in the Testing Chamber?

Shot 11: Liandrin staring forward. Might be the same place? She looks a bit like she's dressed for travel, though, so this could be the prepping to leave for the Ways.

Shot 12: Super quick glance at the Darkfriend social.

Shot 13: Nynaeve telling Alanna, I think, that "no one should have that much power". So instead of Alanna trying to be a busybody because she's interested in Rand and she's honing in on the girls by proxy, I think she'll be interested in talking to Nynaeve because she's so strong in the One Power. This is from one of the first three episodes, I would guess. Before Nynaeve does her Accepted Testing.

Shot 14: Ishy is in a different outfit than he was in Shot 9. He's got a jacket on and no tie-clip thing. This might be what he was wearing last season? He's doing something with the Power and the way it's shining is reminding me of the constrained look of the damane's flows that we see later.

Shot 15/16/17: We cut to bloody Lanfear (I'm guessing but I feel like this is probably Lanfear), with the implication that maybe this is Ishy waking her up?

Shot 18/19/20/21: Two damane are launching an attack on a village at nighttime. In the second to last of the shots, I think that I see Uno & his eyepatch, and I'm pretty sure that Perrin is in the last of the shots, so this may be when Perrin & co encounter the Seanchan and Loial gets captured.

Shot 22/23/24/25: Opening the door to the Accepted Testing chamber -- probably episode 3. We see Nynaeve revealed by the opening of the door and then switch to behind her and see the archways for the testing. There are three Sisters with her. Actually, it looks like Liandrin might be wearing the outfit from Shot 11 so that might actually be her reacting to Nynaeve's Test. I think the lady on the left is Sheriam but I'm not sure who the woman just behind Nynaeve is.

Shot 26/27/28: Perrin & co riding down a hilly area. Guessing that this is early on, searching out the Horn & dagger? This is Perrin in his new S2 outfit.

Shot 29: 'Selene' cuddles Rand, who is still in his wanderer outfit, so this would be early season. I really am fascinated by her choice to cosplay Moiraine here (someone mentioned Selene being in her 'Moiraine cosplay era' in the tag, and the thought definitely stuck). Unless that's just a blue cloak that she threw on and her actual outfit isn't blue. Lanfear looks way more into the touching than Rand does -- he's basically just standing there while she plasters herself against him (her hand is even around his back). At least it looks that way from this angle. She does fit pretty neatly under his chin.

Shot 30/31: Rand walks down a hall with arches. He's wearing the same outfit here that we'll later see in his conversation with Logain, so I'll place this around episode 5 or 6.

Shot 32: Tar Valon (?) at night, with lightning flashing.

Shot 33: Moiraine races away on a horse, during the night. A dark horse, so this is not Aldieb (who is a white mare).

Shot 34/35: Lan listens as Moiraine passionately explains that guiding Rand is the only thing that matters. Moiraine is dressed in her Cairhienin clothes here, so maybe episode four.

Shot 36: Siuan on her fancy throne that was probably just set up now, because this is likely all in Cairhien, tells Moiraine, maybe, "You can't control him" possibly talking about Rand. This might be after the conversation that Siuan and Moiraine have that we see later in the trailer, because Siuan has An Opinion about Rand. She's in her super-fancy Amyrlin clothes.

Shot 37/38: Rand is in a dark room, shutters drawn, and we can see him surrounded by yellow-red flows. He's wearing a plain shirt but it looks nice.

Shot 39/40/41: Perrin looks at a wolf. A wolf looks back. Hopper? Perrin's eyes shift to gold.

Shot 42: Rand pins Moiraine up against the wall of a room. By her throat. He looks very intense and I'm pretty sure I can see the black tendrils of the taint in the flows as they pass over his neck. It looks like Moiraine is in her traveling clothes here, so it could be that she doesn't change into her Cairhienin duds until after she's encountered Rand again for the first time. The subtitles says "Kill them all" here and you can kinda hear it if you concentrate. The first glimmers of you-know-who?

Shot 43: Egwene is in the collar and she looks WRECKED. Blood-shot eyes. Bloody cheek. Hair damp (with sweat probably). Either episode seven or eight is my guess for this one.

Shot 44: Nynaeve in her shift in the Testing room, covered in blood. She also looks pretty emotionally wrecked.

Shot 45/46: Panning shot of the dagger on a fancy table as Mat sits in a chair, with some great conflict on his face. This is interesting because it implies that Fain is in Tar Valon? I like all the emphasis on how all five of the ta'veren are going through these intense emotional journeys. It's not just Rand who is struggling with himself.

Shot 47: This shot is fascinating. Rand is standing in front of 'Selene' while the Power is flowing all around him. Very creepy vibes.

Shot 48: Rand tells Logain that he wants to learn how to control it. And he's wearing the same kind of robe-ish overshirt that he was wearing when he was walking down the hall in Shots 30/31 but which is very different than the formal clothes that we see him wearing when he talks to Siuan at the end of the trailer. Rand and Logain both in blue here.

Shot 49/50/51: Wide shot of Suroth & Co being domineering over a village, then going to a closer shot of Suroth sitting on the throne while her Voice and Ishy are on either side of her. I think Ishy is wearing the same outfit here that he was wearing in Shot 9. Oh, I think there are people actually carrying that palanquin! Yikes, that has to be so heavy. So maybe a ~procession~ of the conquered territory?

Shot 52/53: Turok opens the box for the Horn. It's interesting that he doesn't have the mask that Suroth has. His nails also appear to be more functional than hers, or less likely to get in his way. His costuming is actually pretty different from hers. I wonder if we're going to keep seeing different variations between the Bloods. Because she has that metal theme while his theme feels more... bone-like?

Shot 54/55/56/57: I believe all this is the capture of Egwene. Looks very intense. It looks like Egwene goes on the attack while Elayne runs. I can't see Nynaeve at all in any of the shots.

Shot 58/59: But we do transition from the burst of power over Egwene into one over Nynaeve, probably during her Accepted Test, because both her clothes and the house behind her look like the Two Rivers. So this is likely episode three.

Shot 60: I think this is the Whitecloaks riding towards Falme.

Shot 61: Liandrin stands at the Flame of Tar Valon and stares down at the big forge-bowl-ring where the old rings get melted and new ones made.

Shot 62/63: A child and Perrin playing together. Might be a flashback? He isn't wearing what we've seen him wearing in most of the S2-related material.

Shot 64: If it is a flashback, then it would pair well with this shot of Moiraine and Siuan kissing, because I feel like this is most likely a flashback as well, because Siuan is in blue.

Shot 65/66: Egwene (in her kitchen outfit) hugs Nynaeve (in her Two Rivers outfit). Are Egwene and Nynave going to arrive at the Tower separately (why would they do that? Hmm).

Shot 67: Nynaeve's Accepted Test beginning, as the Aes Sedai channel into the archways.

Shot 68/69: Egwene talks to Elayne - "If our friends are in trouble, why would I ever stay here?" So this is probably the conversation that leads to Elayne coming along with Egwene. Hmm, given that Elayne doesn't know literally any of the other potential players involved, I wonder if they're going to lean on the "friendship" angle or the "adventure" angle with why Elayne leaves with Egwene. In the books, Elayne already had a level of investment going on.

Shot 70: Moiraine walks out of a door at night. Maybe the same scene as Rand pinning her against the wall?

Shot 71: Moiraine from much earlier in the season, judging by her vibes.

Shot 72: Lan on Mandarb. I'm still guessing that this is from Nynaeve's Accepted Test in episode three, because Moiraine and Lan don't appear to be near any nice woodlands in their current travels.

Shot 73: Lan tells Moiraine: "You can't do this by yourself." Guessing it's part of the conversation about guiding Rand, because I can make out the pointed collar on Moiraine's outfit.

Shot 74/75/76/77: Aviendha veils up at nighttime, with Perrin in the background. Then she fights some Whitecloaks. Aviendha has a head injury here, some blood near her temple.

Shot 78: Nynaeve spars with the Warders -- we saw this back in the earlier teaser as well.

Shot 79/80: Lan fights a Fade. Guessing this is the same scene as Moiraine & the Fade from Shots 7/8.

Shot 81: Nighttime overlooking shot of Tar Valon. Maybe the same night as the one with the lightning flashing earlier. Maybe the night when Liandrin & the girls leave? /wild speculation

Shot 82: Liandrin with her red all covered up with a black cloak, walking through the streets at night. I saw someone speculate that she's on her way to the Darkfriend social and that would be a pretty great way to bring us into it.

Shot 83: Shirtless Rand stares out the window at maybe the morning light. This is another shot that we've seen before. Guessing Foregate because those shutters look like the ones we saw earlier in the trailer.

Shot 84: Nynaeve exits one of the archways in a burst of light, and we can see blood on her shift. More of her Testing.

Shot 85: Perrin kills a Whitecloak. It does not look like the same location as where we saw Aviendha fighting the Whitecloaks.

Shot 86: Egwene screams in the collar.

Shot 87: Rand is bound shirtless on a huge wheel in the desert (almost certainly in the dream world).

Shot 88: I think Liandrin is talking to Egwene here, though we can only really see her hair. "It's not always the most powerful who write history. It's the ones who survive." Same outfit that we saw on her before.

Shot 89/90/91/92/93: Rand in a plaza at Falme, in his fancy emo black coat (now covered with a brown cloak), about to fight Turak. Rand talks about being tired of being "a spoke in the wheel".

Shot 94: We go back to the shot of Rand bound on the wheel and then pull way back. It does look like there's something directly in front of him, but I can't tell if it's a person or if it's just... set up to look like a person, if that makes sense.

Shot 95: Someone kills a Fade with a flaming sword at night. On reflection... not Rand, I think? (which would make sense -- Rand still has his dad's sword). It might belong to the same scene as Moiraine and Lan facing the Fades?

Shot 96: Mat stabs someone with a spear. He's still wearing his Two Rivers clothes. Given the earlier photo we got of Mat, I'm guessing this is Falme.

Shot 97/98: Hard cut to that explosion. It's actually a top-down view at first and it looks like someone is exploding the door to a gate. Maybe fireworks but maybe channeling? It looks like Falme, though, either way.

Shot 99/100/101: Siuan tells Rand that he's the water that turns the wheel of time. He's in his fancy black emo coat here.

[thessalian]

Thess vs Disability

I've probably mentioned this in passing, but it deserves a little bit more attention, particularly given that it's been giving me fibro flares and migraine flares on and off since it turned up on the UK news. I know that the US is busy combusting and that takes most of the news cycles, so I don't expect it to be common knowledge. Still feels like a thing, though.

So despite the fact that the Tories' austerity policies have been reducing our quality of life for something like fifteen years now, the new-ish Labour government has decided that the only thing that will fill the huge hole the Tories left in the budget is - you guessed it - yet more austerity. And Labour is starting to live up to its name in a pretty horrific way - sort of a "work will make you free" kind of way. Because the deepest cuts are to benefits - specifically, disability benefits.

First, we have something called Personal Independence Payments - a stipend to help pay for the extra things that disabled people need to be ... well, independent. That's looking like being cut to ribbons and possibly being taken off the table completely. Because the disabled don't deserve the dignity of being able to leave the fucking house, apparently.

Then ... well. We have disability payments for people who can't work - or can't work enough to support themselves - and we have what used to be Job Seekers' Allowance, for people who need to survive while they look for work. One's going to get cut. The other's going to get increased. The one getting the increase? Is the one for the folks looking for work. So that means that people who literally cannot work are going to have less money to live, because the government wants to force them to push themselves beyond their ability and get a job.

Now, keep in mind that a lot of people, whether they're disabled or not, are still having to rely on benefits just to survive. It's that bad. I figure those are off the table, as means-testing gets stingier and stingier. Worse yet, there's murmurings that the means-testing process should be farmed off to AI, same as they want initial diagnoses to be on the NHS. Either way, it seems designed to deny the disabled any kind of accommodation or support.

The problem with this ... well, there are so many problems with this that I cannot go into them all in any depth. It doesn't do the disabled any good to get a job that they can't do because so many companies will not make reasonable accommodations for their employees - like, say, working from home. The job market is a mess right now and even people who aren't disabled are having a bitch of a time finding work, and in a choice between someone who requires accommodations and one who doesn't, who do you think employers are going to pick? Most of all, the entire government seems to be putting the blame on us. They talk about obesity - okay, but keep in mind that Brexit fucked us so hard that unhealthy high-calorie food is often all people can afford, and we are worked so hard by employers that we seldom have time and energy to properly exercise as well as seeing to needs like eating, sleeping, and household chores. They talk about mental health issues like it's our fault for not "sucking it up and coping" - I'm sorry, but have they not seen what's been done to us the last couple of decades? How much worse they're making it? And the absolute kicker - saying that there's no valid reason why so many more people should be disabled now than in, say, 2020.

DID YOU FORGET LONG COVID WAS A THING, YOU ASSHOLES?!? Remember Johnson saying "let the bodies pile high in their thousands" when trying to lock down for as little time as possible? The number of people who refused to wear masks, or refused to wear them properly if they did? The anti-vax movement that seems to have sprung up here? Hell, the NHS won't pay for yearly Covid boosters, and they all seem to forget that Covid is still here! If you let something that causes a long-term to permanent condition become endemic in a population, and then don't take steps to deal with it like you do, say, influenza? The number of people with disabilities goes up.

Now, I'm fortunate. I don't have to worry about rent. I am employed. I can afford to take reduced hours, and was allowed to work from home (I mean, fine, I had to fight for it for like a year, but I got it). But two things. The first and most meaningful is this: I know how lucky I am, and how many people are not. This is going to kill people. They are going to overwork themselves, neglect their health - physical, mental, or both - and they are going to die. Maybe it'll be directly caused by the job. Maybe it'll be by choice because people can't take it anymore. Maybe it'll be through neglect because they still can't afford what they need. But people will die. The last time benefits got fucked with this hard, people died. This will be no different. And of course it gets me because it feels like the entire country is saying, "Well, they're disabled; we don't care if they die because they can't contribute to the economy and are a burden to everybody". And if you think I'm exaggerating? Consider that this is coming in the wake of laws permitting euthanasia, and from a service that not five years ago was assigning Do Not Resuscitate orders on Covid patients with autism without anyone's consent.

But it's more than that - it's more than me being a social justice barbarian in general. I'm lucky now. What happens if I'm not? What if I lose my job - how am I going to get another one that I can even remotely do in this economic climate? What if my condition gets worse and I can't work at all, and some AI doctor won't believe me? How do I function when the government of the country I'm stuck in thinks I'm a waste of oxygen?

...I spent so long thinking I was a waste of oxygen when I was physically healthy! It took so much mess, and years of therapy, and slightly fewer years of meds, to get me to a place where I didn't think I was a waste of oxygen anymore! Then I got the fibro and I had to use those coping mechanisms all over again, and I still have bad days sometimes! Now I have an entire government telling me it doesn't care if I suffer, it doesn't care if I die, and in fact it would be better if I did because that'll mean I'll never be a burden on the state. Never mind that a lot of that is my money, given to the government through my taxes.

So I'm stressed and I'm angry and I'm miserable and I'm frustrated and I hurt too much to punch things. But I want to. Oh, how I want to. Faces would be nice. Kier Starmer and Wes Streeting would be a good start. Fuck them for making the depression and misery a disabled person faces every day so much worse by justifying all our fears about being burdens to those around us. Fuck them for stripping our dignity and threatening our lives for budget cuts. Fuck them for caring about corporations and money more than the people they were elected to serve. Fuck them for their lack of compassion. And fuck them twice for doing it so they can free up some budget money to give to the military because some orange jackass in another country doesn't think we're spending enough on defense.

Oh, and on the assisted dying bill? Fuck them three times running for voting down the qualification that requires a doctor ask a patient why someone wants to die. AAAAAAAAAAAA!

[misslucy21]

Argh. I'm doing that thing where I have to get up early so I can't go to sleep.

I have a doctor appointment tomorrow at 8 because I don't feel well and I want to rule out things that are not the weather annoying my sinuses, because my mom has strep (I don't think it's strep, I don't really have a sore throat) and I have also heard of several folks who just felt run down and wound up having walking pneumonia (that would be a possibility, although I don't have a lot of those symptoms). And of course Covid is always possible (I have had 4 negative tests though and it doesn't really feel like it did when I had Covid in February). Or the flu (also doesn't feel like the times I have had the flu). It's probably a sinus infection, which may or may not earn me some antibiotics (it's complicated).

[1941-crowley-slut]

Rant incoming

I cannot STAND how my mom talks to me about church when she wants me to go.

For context, we obviously stopped going during covid so we were away for 2-3 years and though she watched the live broadcast every Sunday, I didn't. In fact I always deliberately left the room at that time to stay away from it. At some point I told her I don't believe anymore (honestly I remember having doubts and questions (Crowley coded lmao) since I was a kid but 11-12 is where it really just set in that I don't have that kind of faith). She didn't take ir horribly bad but told me at the time she'd like it if I still joined her at church sometimes. Which, fine. Okay.

Fast forward to when she is actually going back to church and just throws on me the news that I am going too. Doesn't ask, just tells me I'm going. And I'm pissed as fuck the whole day after that, to the point that when she asks me to find my clothes for church I actually just keep looking at my closet and want to tear everything apart. I really avoid conflicts with my mother but this one had me. I was PISSED. So when she finally asked what was going on I told her "I don't want to go". And it wasn't so much that I wasn't willing to do it for her, it's that I felt she had no regard for my beliefs and just wanted her way. A

And funnily enough, she did. Because the reponse to that was: "I know, but I'd already told you I want you to come with me sometimes. Is it so terrible, you can't even make this one little sacrifice for your mother?"

Not me being guilt tripped, but anyway. I don't remember the end of that conversation but I remember other times. Once again for context, I was in 12th grade the year that passed and it was incredibly difficult study-wise. I had 6-7 hours of school every day, then anywhere from 2-5 hours of extra studies (sometimes almost immediately) and then I also had to do homework for both school and extra studies (seperate) and a lot of it was learning things by heart, plus we had tests and exams all the time like ALL the time, some weeks I'd have 5 tests in 3 days and I was going insane. Plus on extra studies we wrote exams on Saturdays. So it was all very very hectic and mom knew that and she was very awesome for the most part, but when it came to church she just didn't. Listen. To me.

She would go "You'll come this Sunday because the next weeks will be harder for you" but the matter of the fact was, she didn't know what weeks were harder for me. She thought for xyz reasons that later it'd be worse, but in reality the times she wanted me to go i was drowning in work and getting anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns cause everything was so much. Too much. And I'd say something like "Well this week's pretty bad" and expect her to get the hint but she'd go "it's just one hour in the morning, how important is it really, you probably wouldnt even be studying then"

(Not to mention it's not really 1 hour cause I need like an hour just to wake up and get ready, then 20 minute drive, the service was either 1 or 1 and a half hours, then it was however long chatting up with all the church people, another 20 minute drive home and then I was tired and we would have lunch and I just wanted to relax and sleep etc etc. So it wasnt at all just an hour. And maybe even if I hadn't gone to church that day, it'd still be afternoon and I wouldn't have gotten started on any work. But at least I would have spent some time for myself and then would force myself to work. But anyway again)

She just does this thing where she doesn't even ask or give me the illusion of a choice. Cause the truth is that church is usually not that bad, I can deal with it, it's fine. But I hate it just because she makes me feel forced to go. If she was just like "Hey, could you come with me to church this Sunday? I'd like that" I would be much happier to go. I know she doesn't want to be by herself and that she worries about what the church peoole will think (which pisses me off as well but thats another story), I don't mind keeping her company. But I mind when she suddenly springs it on me on Saturdays that "We're going to church tomorrow" and even if I show my discomfort with it she's like "Well you have to come sometimes."

And she just she has this way that I don't understand that when she says anything related to me going to church (e.g. "Find your clothes for tomorrow to see if anything needs to be ironed"), she says it in this firm tone and so suddenly that you just even subconsciously know you have no say in this. I don't get to react to this or have an opinion, it's just something I have to do. Because she said so. And if I was to try and react, she'd circle right back to guilt-tripping me (which at this point would be really funny because I have been trying lately to help her in every way I can so it's not like "You do everything for me and I'll do this small favor for you by coming with you", I have been offering to help with chores, I've been offering to learn stuff I dont know how to do so I can help her around the house, I have been helping as far as I can. But nonetheless I know this will end badly if I try to argue)

Anyway yeah it's just. I'm tired. At first I thought it was her desperate attempt to get me back into the church, to make me believe again. Now, though I still think she clings onto some hope about that, I also believe she thinks I'm too far gone for that and really just wants me there for company and for the eyes of the world, so none of the people know I'm not a believer anymore and supposedly think of her as a failed mother.

I'd just like to be counted like an equal person in here. Especially what with reaching adulthood and all. Like she actually scolded me when I said "I'd like to go out with my friends" and waited for their approval, because she said I was just making announcements and she wants me to ask next time. Even though I was still essentially waiting for them to say yes or no, I wasn't announcing anything. And she's said this before too, I'd leave for extra studies a little earlier sometimes to go get bubble tea and I'd tell her and then she'd go "I want you to ask beforehand". Why? She wasnt even home, no one was, and I would've left like 30 minutes later anyway cause I had to, what's the big deal? Or is it just about being controlled, hm? Is it that she can't watch me be an independent person? Feels like it.

Anyway my point was I have to literally ask for everything, like with a "Can I" and a question mark and all, because "We might have something else planned" (which as I said, if they had something planned for us to do would they not tell me? And either way, if something came up I'd just tell my friends I couldn't hang out after all cause something came up and it'd be fine. But no, she insisted.) but when it comes to me she just says "You're coming" and that's it and I HATE it. I HATE IT.

If she thinks she's bringing me closer to church this way someone tell her she couldn't be more wrong.

[timeoverload]

This week is going to be terrible and boring. I still don't feel great. I went to work this morning to get a covid test. My temperature was 99.9° so they couldn't send me home for that since it has to be 100° or higher. I had to wait 30 minutes for them to read my test. I didn't expect to have a positive test so I was planning on working anyway. The nurse called me to tell me I was positive and that I needed to leave. This is the second time I have gotten covid that I am aware of.

Normally I would be happy about having unexpected time off, but this is like the worst timing. I can't return to work until Tuesday. I won't have any PTO left. I don't think I even have enough to cover this week so I won't be getting paid for part of it. I already know that I probably will have to cancel my request for next Thursday. My boss already approved it so I don't know what is going to happen. I am not sure about the 26th yet. I hope I don't get written up. It shouldn't be so stressful to be sick.

I have to go next Friday even if I am tired. I will have Monday off too so I think that will help me to not feel so shitty at the end of the week. I might not get another chance to see you for a while if I don't go to see you next Friday. I'm not going to cancel my appointment for the 26th since it is still a month away. I don't want to upset you so I really hope things work out.

I don't feel quite as bad as I did yesterday. I think the headache and the body aches are the worst part. My eye sockets hurt. I'm not sure how to explain it. I had a feeling that I had covid yesterday because my bones felt like they were being crushed and that's how I felt last time. Food tastes weird. Hopefully my fever doesn't increase. I still don't know where my thermometer is. I'm glad I'm not having a lot of respiratory issues. I have a cough but it isn't that bad. I'm not having any issues breathing. My throat is a little scratchy but it could be worse. I definitely sound sick but I'm not congested.

Since I am being forced to stay home for a while, I should be able to build up the strength to get some cleaning done. It's hard to feel relaxed in here. I would like to be able to find things. I just need to fill up some more boxes to get stuff out of the way. I haven't accomplished much lately so it will be nice to be productive.

I'm not sure what I will do the rest of the day because I am sore. I think I will need to go back to bed at some point. I was trying to find something new to watch but nothing is exciting me. It's so frustrating. I haven't been in the mood to watch anything other than documentaries for a while. There aren't any movies that I want to watch. People will give me suggestions and then I forget them and brain dump them right away. I would like to read a book or something. Every time I try to start reading again, I get bored with it pretty quickly. I used to read so much when I was in high school and I really enjoyed it. I want to make art, but I don't know what kind of art I want to make. I don't know where to start. I don't know what my problem is.

I guess I should try to rest now. I wish I had someone to keep me company because this is depressing. I guess I will cuddle with the cats. I hope I can make it a good week somehow.

I hope that everyone else has a good week and that you all stay healthy. :) 💖💖💖

[afniel]

One of the tanks in my static now has the exact illness I had. He lives on the opposite coast from me. I do not enjoy the rammies or the impies of that! What the fuck is going around now kicking people's asses across the full country and the only real symptom is a hardcore fever and body aches that make you feel like you're going to McFucking Die? Covid tests came up negative for both of us, and we both had no respiratory symptoms at all, so the easy answer doesn't seem right, here.

Like, okay, in case this matters or makes sense in hindsight later (please gods I really hope not but I've seen enough to know), there are a few more kind of weird symptoms we matched up on while comparing notes:

Back pain. Especially lower back for some reason. He had notable lower leg pain, I had neck pain.

Headache. The kind that makes you feel like your skull is going to explode and cave in at the same time.

Debilitating brain fog. Like where you can barely process which room of your house you're in.

Time dilation. I usually am time blind anyway, but when I say the two and a half days it kicked my ass felt like literal weeks, I'm not even kidding.

Stomach pain and negative appetite. Not exactly nausea, but eating and drinking just hurt. Neither of us could stomach more than a few bites/sips of anything at all, no matter how depleted we got. If we pushed it and tried anyway, it would kinda feel like nausea, but neither of us even got close to throwing up.

No idea where we caught it. Neither of us are into going out for the sake of being out. Probably got it at the grocery or something like that.

So yeah, fuck if I know what that was, but it was not cool and it's apparently nationwide. I'm gonna be keeping an eye on currently circulating illnesses to see if I can figure this one out, because I have nearly died of pneumonia as a child and I still felt sicker with this mystery illness than I did when I was almost hospitalized.

[whiterosechrista]

Introduction

So. I'm realizing (with the vent time post kerfuffle) that it'd probably be a good idea for me to give people a basic understanding of who I am and where I come from, so that they can reference it if any of my posts come off odd/offensive/etc. out of context.

Basic Facts

I'm 24 years old, Caucasian, American, biologically female, comfortable with she/her and they/them pronouns. I'm an introvert who doesn't get out often, but I'm not some basement-dwelling Neckbeard-equivalent. I have a strong sense of empathy, which leads me to want to play mediator often (though thankfully I'm aware of my limits and don't act on every want). My likes include anime, storytelling, art, history, SCP, Kpop, science, outer space, and mac n' cheese (among other things). My dislikes include racism, ablism, homophobia, transphobia, and basically anything else involving unreasonable hate.

History

I grew up as effectively a single child, moving back and forth between houses because my parents were already separated, though not officially divorced. They both loved me, and tried their best to raise me well, but (for reasons I'll touch on later) I definitely bonded more with my mom than my dad. There was one house that at least one of them always lived in consistently, so I think of it as my childhood home.

I was a fairly happy child, I think, though there were some issues with bullying that I can't remember clearly anymore, and it did affect me, though maybe not as much as the school itself; I used to love to draw/paint, and I stopped after I got into school because art class convinced me I wasn't doing it "right."

The teachers (some, at least) didn't like that I learned differently than other kids (e.g. making connections between concepts in Math and English at age ~8), and so made me take one of those "morality tests"; multiple-choice questionnaires about moral decisions like returning a lost wallet (which, btw, I left blank because they hadn't given me enough info about the situation; they decided that meant there was something wrong with me).

(Ironically, this was a Montessori school, which are supposed to be less rigid about teaching styles than standard schools.)

So I transferred to a different Montessori school at age ~10, which had a system where kids would sign their name on their class sheet when they came in, and didn't like that I stopped to say hi to kids in other classes first (for reference, my class was on the second floor, the other kids' were on the ground floor).

Thus, for either this or some other reason, they recommended I go to therapy. My mom, thinking "well, she might have reason to need it", agreed. I spent a while there before the therapist said "this is the most well-adjusted child I've ever seen, please leave so I can tend to people who actually need me."

After about a year of this school, Mom asked if I'd like to try homeschooling, and that's what I've been doing ever since (though technically what we did was unschooling, which is a bit different).

It was after I started homeschooling that I started writing, got really into anime to the point of learning Japanese by watching it, and made my best friends to date.

I've done things like ballet, gymnastics, parkour, circus arts, piano, roller derby, and sang/played at Girls' Rock Camp/Club Boston (though I think the name's changed to be more gender-inclusive). I don't do much of this stuff anymore, though I might get back into it at some point.

Pre-Covid, I was taking drawing classes and Japanese classes (mostly for reading it, since anime didn't teach me that), and back in 2022, I got officially certified to teach English as a second language (though I've yet to find a job, unfortunately).

I'm currently living in an apartment with my mom, sitting around with a sprained back, hoping that it'll heal in time for my best friend to take me on a Duck Boat tour in Boston on June 2nd, and blogging for the first time in my life.

I hope this has helped. It feels like an info-dump, but apparently I can't make anything concise, so here we are.

Feel free to ask/comment/dm me for more details about anything (or just to chat). I might not be comfortable with sharing some things, but most things I should be fine with. Just be respectful about it and we should be good. :)

Edit; just realized I didn't touch on why I bonded more with my mom than my dad. The short version is that mom is open-minded, gentle (though she can definitely be stern), and always asks what I want before doing something, and my dad sort of doesn't always "get it." For instance; the moment I turned 16, he started badgering me about getting my driver's license, even though I barely went anywhere that wasn't in walking distance and anywhere I didn't could be accessed by either public transport or someone else driving me. He also wanted me to do SAT prep and similar things, got stuck in the "Alternative Medicine" rabbithole and somehow still manages to be surprised that my mom won't make me try it without my consent (for reference, this was after I sprained my back; it's not the first time he's wanted me to try Alt Meds and definitely not the first time my mom's refused). So, yeah. He's not a bad guy, and he definitely tries, he's just a bit too stuck in his own world sometimes.

[halogalopaghost]

venting abt medical stuff, tired so it prolly wont make sense anyway

I sat up to type somethingon my laptop and literally watched the veins in my hands become distended from blood pooling. it makes me mad because a quack "eastern medicine" doctor last year dx'd me with ""chi stagnation"" which is not a fucking thing, first of all, but he literally said my blood was stagnating and a bunch of other shit about my chi and all, and I wrote him off SEVERELY because. Blood stagnation is called LIVIDITY and it happens WHEN YOU DIE. I knew what POTS was at the time, but I hadn't even considered applying it to myself yet. Now a year later I'm waiting to be tested for POTS and self-treating POTS symptoms and like. well fuck. shit. damnb I guess mabye he was onto something.

and like...im just tired, man. everything's getting worse instead of better and I know it's probably becaue I had COVID a second time + autistic burnout is a thing I'm probably experiencing i guess. but I can't control flare ups, I can't control when I sleep or wake, I can't control when I feel nauseous or hungry or when I hurt or feel fine. I can't plan ahead for anything because it's a total crap shoot on whether I'll be capable or not. Not if I feel up to it, but if I'm CAPABLE. my feet have been hurting all day as if I worked a few 12 hour retail shifts in a row, and all I did was take a fifteen minute walk. my hands have turned red from the blood pooling in them now. I haven't slept for more than three or four hours in a row in almost a week. I can't sleep, but I'm exhausted. exercise doesn't help, it just makes my body hurt.

im tired. I haven't written in days because I havent really been capable of thinking in days. my brain fog has been so bad that I can't spell really basic words and it takes forever for me to formulate sentences. even when I do, they tend to be rambling and not make a whole lot of sense. I can't comprehend things im reading. I can't sleep. I tried meds and it didn't help enough. sigh.

[thatgirlwhokeepsreading]

[I am fine I am just saving people who don't want to see my covid venting]

Listen, for complete transparency I am behind on my covid boosters + still way more lax about masking than I should be, but I do have my reusable N95 + N99 masks that I wear everywhere bar my desk at work, students' houses*, or at home. We got the HEPA filters running 24/7 at home**. I STAY HOME WHEN IM SICK. I also remain very boring and masking in public aside I also really don't go to places where I'll be around strangers bar attending theatre (which is my JOB).

I am primarily concerned about covid, but to avoid people feeling the need to grill me I will sometimes swerve to say that my PhD advisor has bad lungs + is immunocompromised and so I'm actually not able to see her if I have ANY respiratory infection (which is also true). But also people look™️ at me in public and will sometimes directly challenge my masking, and sometimes (especially in theatre settings) I will get really pissed by this and actually grow a spine about it and talk about how not only are people dying and being disabled but also the theatre industry in Australia COLLAPSED and in order to keep my Fucking Job I NEED us to make it safe to gather in person. (Also I'm working in disabled theatre rn so... y'know... let's not kill our fellow artists y'all!!)

So this established, yesterday was the second time in less than three months that my brother's gf has come over while symptomatically sick. Last time she was fucken putting her toothbrush touching mine and everything so both myself and my brother got sick. I haven't been sick since early 2021, I suspect largely because I mask (which rocks imo), but then she comes over for a visit without telling my brother or anyone else she's unwell bc she's turned a negative RAT (it was negative RAT tests from all involved the whole illness so inshallah not covid).

That time she knew she was sick sick, and so even though she says yesterday she thought it was just hayfever that honestly doesn't win her much credit with me bc it clearly doesn't actually matter to her. And now she has turned a positive RAT and I am just apoplectic with rage. (My brother is also pretty fucken put out because she is apparently consistently not telling him if she's ill before they meet up, including when he goes over to hers.)

I am angry enough that I am waiting until I'm calmer to make it an official call, but honestly I am considering just banning her from our house. Ma'am you work in allied health what's not fucking clicking???

Like she's very apologetic and I appreciate that and MAYBE I'd be a bit more forgiving (given her symptoms were pretty mild and she does have my sympathy about trying to differentiate hayfever and illness) if I hadn't already been made "week in bed" sick by her THIS SAME FUCKEN RESEARCH QUARTER.

I also know that I'm extra mad bc at the moment she's acting as a symbol for my brain of all the people who should know better but don't even try, for the government policy that is going to kill the presence of the artform I love in this country and also like.... SO MANY FUCKING PEOPLE. Like she did not individually do that. But what she has done is at best risked and at worst transmitted this fucking virus to me and my housemates, after ALREADY making 2/3 of us sick less than 90 days ago, and I'm angry I'm so so so angry.

*this is probably the really risky choice

**which has also done wonders for the asthma so that's a nice bonus

[magpies4nights]

(Title is a joke don’t take this seriously (please don't go to Ecuador)) GASA4AM COSPLAY MEET UP AT 0°47'03.1"S 91°00'09.9"W 1:00 PM ECT, BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!!!! (dev log #10)

Hi guys. I haven't died yet, for the people who are waiting on my downfall. It felt like I was dying because I was sick! yippee! I mean, I still am, but I can walk around mask free because it's basically just a little itchiness in my windpipe, but compared to last week Friday (I felt so sick I couldn't even get out of bed without the help of my parents dragging me out or even lift my head for that matter), I feel great. With how sick I was, I kinda didn't get to work on the fan game as I hoped I could. Of course, I could have requested to have a break from classes, but I think they wouldn't be so lenient without a covid test and I'm sure it would have been negative. I also had to do homework on top of having a sniffly nose and walking around like I was hit by a car. You know heavy machinery? I had to deal with that with fogged up glasses. My mom apparently said that her dad lost part of his finger to a table saw, and I thought I was going to have history repeat itself, although hopefully that doesn't mean the 90's are making a come back. The only good thing that may have happened was the MTV shows, Humongous Entertainment games and the Parappa series. And before you argue with me, Nirvana started in the 80's, and Titanic (1999) is not a good movie. Rose didn't love Jack, she basically kills him in the end because there WAS enough room on that door. Everyone who says she didn't kill him is a Rose apologist/j

Anyways, no more depressing shit for now. I’m almost done with the locations. At last. I have one more to do and then it's everyone else’s sprites and maybe rework Xandra’s because there are some animation errors in her sprites such as her ears disappearing when she walks. So yeah, next week when I finally have down time and feel better I can work on them. With the way things are going I'll probably have to update y'all the week after my birthday (which is late March. You guys will know when I change my bio from 20 to 21 (whopee I get to finally drink *shudders*)), because good god, classes are also going real hard on me. Midterm on the 6th? No thank you. Not after that essay you made us write which I practically had several panic attacks because I thought that piece of shit was going to fail me. If you're asking if I failed, no, surprisingly it got me a 100. I don't know if the teacher gave me pity points but somehow she said my clarity and my content was great which is surprising because there is no way someone who is practically having a panic attack and is really sleep deprived could ever do that (me when I was writing that).

I’ll be honest, the bottom floor for the house was a nightmare because there would be times when I had to figure out how the hell it would do the thing I wanted it to do based on Xandra’s location.

Anyways, music time. For possibly the last time for dev blogs for this project:

WATER BOWL💧🥣 WATER- 🗣️ WATER- 🗣️WATER- 🗣️WATER BOWL💧🥣🗣️ W-W-W-W-WATER ✨𝓫𝓸𝔀𝓵✨ (I was sick (and I still am) when I made that song)

(I guess there's now 2 songs with vocals)

Oh yeah I also drew up some stuff to make up for Valentine’s Day because I think it’s funny. And also it’s to cope with the pain of when my parents said go to bed and I was sick and bored and I couldn't lift my head up.

I also drew up something which was an old concept I had with Priyah, where instead of just pestering Xandra she did it to everyone by disguising herself as an erson (specifically as a holiday erson) and since there was no valentines verson in GASA4AM that I knew of I decided maybe she could pretend to be one of them.

(Translation because I know my handwriting is horrendous: Hi guys I’m Valentine’s Verson but you can call me Val. I’m like your 4th cousin. (These guys don’t look convinced))

Trust me you will recognize her in that Valentine’s version/Val disguise once you smack her glasses on her and take the lipstick off.

[sailor-cerise]

I trusted that some of my extended family was accurately representing their COVID precautions etc. and ate an indoor meal with them unmasked.

After I tested positive, I was told the truth: that when they say "Aunt and Uncle had COVID but haven't had any symptoms for several weeks and have been testing negative" actually meant "Aunt had symptomatic CoVid but uncle did not, and so he never took any tests despite staying with her. Also, he hasn't been vaccinated in over a year, unlike the rest of us."

You know why they didn't tell me? They were afraid I wouldn't come.

And you know what they said when I caught it?

"see, it's not so bad, is it?"

Actually it is. Fuck you.

I was fortunate to get my hands on Paxlovid the day I tested positive (where the doctor said it's "people like you [with asthma] that I'm worried about right now"), and was at the peak of my vaccine effectiveness, and I was able to take a full 5 days off of work, so my acute symptoms were pretty limited, thankfully. My partner and I isolated/masked and he didn't catch it.

But it took what was left of my stamina and threw it in the fucking trash. Over a month later and I'm definitely not recovered. I don't think it qualifies as long covid yet but this sucks.

If I had caught it in other circumstances, it wouldn't change the fact that it sucks, and just because someone catches CoVid doesn't mean someone did something wrong: it's pretty damn good at infecting people.

But I'm so. SO. Angry. They took my choice away from me by lying. I'm also angry at a lot of other things, like the government neglect and bad communication etc. that lead to this, but I've been angry at those other sources for years now. It's shitty and fucked up but it's not this personal betrayal I feel.

They are right: I wouldn't have gone. And then I probably would not have caught CoVid.

And they lied to me.

[kareenvorbarra]

bitching about work-related things

okay so. i stayed home sick Monday-Wednesday this week with a cold. i felt really shitty for a few days but nothing unusual, i didn't have a fever, the home covid test was negative. yesterday i text my boss to tell her i'm staying home a third day, and she says that if i'm out sick for three days in a row, i need a doctor's note saying i'm okay to come back in. not a doctor's note as an excuse for being out this long, but after three days i can't return to work unless a doctor says it's okay.

i didn't know this until my boss told me - my previous job (which was in a different part of the same organization) had a similar rule, but it only kicked in if you were out for five days in a row, which i think only happened to me once and it was because i had mono (so i had already been to the doctor to get the diagnosis and it was easy to get her to write me the letter)

so yesterday i called the clinic a couple of times trying to figure out what to do, because i was pretty sure i would feel okay enough to go to work today (Thursday), but nothing really came of it, I couldn't get in touch with my doctor or any of her nurses, the nurses i talked to at the urgent care were very nice but they said they couldn't write me a note without actually seeing me, and i could kind of tell they didn't want me to have to go to the urgent care when it was pretty clear i didn't need to. finally someone told me that the doctor's office would call me the next day and figure out what i needed to do. so i text my boss and tell her i couldn't get a note, i'm going to be out at least one more day, it's fine.

today i didn't mind missing work again because i'm still a little bit sick, though not really sick enough by shitty US calling-in-sick standards (i have gone to work feeling like this, most people i know have gone to work sicker than this, even though people probably shouldn't be doing that). i waited all morning for someone to call me, nobody did. so i went on the website of my health care provider and apparently they're having trouble with their phones and website right now. i can't log into the site that would let me send and receive messages from my doctor, i can't even look up the doctor on the website to find her phone number.

anyway i feel insane and i can't believe i'm here tearing my hair out and making a bunch of phone calls trying to go back to work after having a mildly bad cold. has anyone else ever worked somewhere that doesn't allow you to come back in after being out sick for THREE DAYS without a doctor saying you're okay? maybe if health care was free i wouldn't mind just trying to schedule an appointment at urgent care, but i don't want to have to pay for an appointment i don't need just to be able to go back to work? i truly do not mind missing work, they will be fine without me for another day, and tbh it's my workplace's fault for having this rule, but i'm also a little worried that my boss is going to be annoyed at me for having trouble getting this doctor's note...like i'm not trying hard enough or something (even though this is 100% a problem of my workplace's own creation)