#it's only 9am and I'm already ready for the day to be over man

[ajeannekathleen-blog]

Is there anything not great about remote work?

Picture this: you live in the Philippines but earn USD, the job is task-based (you, yes you, manage your hours), you work at the comfort of just about anywhere, and there's tech allowance to support the best setup you can put up at home - could there still be something not great about it?

This will probably be a #WFHhuman series, but for now, I'll share the most recent realization for me.

February 16, 2024

February 15 in the afternoon Pacific time, and it was packed. I had three meetings scheduled starting at 7AM, ending at 9AM.

The first one was unfortunately a transition call - me, my boss and a US employee we're calling Troy in this journal, doing a walkthrough of his tasks because he was being let go. When I saw the calendar invite the day prior, I thought it would just feel like any other meeting I had to go to - I'd get myself prepped for the camera, drink water, zone myself in for the meeting at least 5 minutes before (vocabulary and grammar has to be summoned, of course) and attend. But boy I was wrong.

At 10 minutes into the call, it felt heavier watching and listening to Troy walk us through his doc. It wasn't the nicest doc but it was still, in all its essence, the last doc he's ever going to make in and for the company; a furnished Google doc that equates to "I'm leaving my tasks to you now, take good care of them."

Well, I had to brush these probably overly comical and dramatic thoughts off, cause I have to focus and make sure I comprehended. It's also the last and only time I can ask questions.

A little over 5 minutes before the call, we were good, and my boss being the respectful and courteous man that he is, had to bid a few words. We ended it afterwards.

With the call ending, I was then free to acknowledge the heavy load I was feeling. Slowly, it sank in how it was one heck of a start to my morning; how it was in every way, depressing. To my realization, this actually is one and two among other things that suck with remote work.

The lack of surety. The reality is, remote employment is not nearly as secure as how local private or government employment is. You can be let go anytime with or without an exit pay, with or without a specific reason. Not all, but most often, clients have considerable freedom without any legal bounds.

A lot of farewells. Given the lack of security, you have to be ready to encounter a lot of farewells - either from colleagues leaving soon from finding a better higher paying job, or from those who were let go, sometimes in the most unprecedented timings.

It's been five+ years now since I transitioned from being in corporate to remote, and it still feels like I'm never prepared for instances like this. Accountants are usually either the last to get offboarded or do not get offboarded at all, so trust me when I say I've offboarded 50+ people already and the seemingly heavy rock still gets its way to my chest every single time. I found myself breaking down at one point.

While great opportunities are everywhere, not everyone's meant to last thriving in these opportunities. If right now you are employed, be grateful and value the paid role you've been given. Do your job right. If right now you are seeking but have all the resources and time to find one, do not waste it. These are all blessings and gifts that many people pray for. I hope you can empathize and acknowledge that others may not be as fortunate, by showing appreciation for what you have.

So, a related insert: to everyone always saying "Kapag ba inubos ko pagkain ko, mabubusog ba yung mga walang makain?", it might be high time to hear yourselves and reconsider.

[katytheinspiredworkaholic]

Congrats on 200!! 🤗

I would love 🖼 a moodboard for .... hhhhmmmm how about HotchReid?

And I can't find a pencil, but I would love any blurb about HotchReid as well ❤

Eeeehhh I'm excited!! Congrats again! 🤗

I am ALWAYS on board for HotchReid, and you were my other freestyle moodboard so you get my Light!HotchReid moodboard that’s all soft and warm and romantic <3

AND IN THAT VEIN, I had an idea and ran with it so this is half blurb/half one-shot and idk where it came from but have some domestic, established relationship HotchReid C: and thank you so much for sending me the asks and celebrating with me!

--

//In which Jack outs his dad and Spencer’s relationship before they even get a chance to call it one//

--

They don’t mean to start sneaking around. Honestly they don’t. 

It just… happens.

There was no rhyme or reason for it, hiding what was very obviously becoming a permanent fixture in their lives in and outside of work. This gradual build up of moments and conversations and late nights that turned to intimacy as easily as everything else about them. Shared looks, subtle touches, feather-light at first -- until the glances turned heavy and the touches more prominent. The stolen moments turned to stolen nights, hidden behind hotel room doors or buried in tangled sheets back home in D.C. 

They didn’t need to hide anything. Not from the team, their friends they considered closer than family. But they did -- purely because they didn’t want to share this yet. Label it. Place it in those societal boxes of expectations and questions and future aspirations when right now it was… so easy. So perfect. Almost domestic in its comfort it offered, because it was theirs and theirs alone. It can be whatever they wanted it to be --

And right now, it felt like home.

-

Hotch always rises with the sun. He goes on early morning runs at all times of the year, rain or shine, even when it snows. He’s always back in enough time to get Jack up and ready for school, shower and get himself dressed for work, he’s a creature of habit and routine is his comfort zone. But now --

Now, sometimes it’s hard to leave his bed in the mornings, and the sight that always greets him when he returns from his runs makes him smile like he hasn’t in a long time. 

Spencer sleeps much later, sometimes until Hotch is done showering and has already tried to wake him up two or three times with bribes of coffee. Kissing his cheek or wild curls while still smelling like sweat from his run, and Spencer swats at him or hides under the covers without even opening his eyes. And Hotch lets him until it gets too close to the time when they need to head into the office. 

“Why does Spencer get to sleep in?” Jack asks with a tired whine, now nine-years-old and pouting over his bowl of cereal as Spencer finally drags himself from bed and to the coffee pot at half past seven in the morning. Hotch smirks and weaves around the man, scooping him close to kiss him good morning before letting him continue his trek. 

“Because he finishes his homework before bedtime,” Hotch answers his son, looking pointedly at the half completed math homework on the kitchen table. The deluge of questions were just another diversion tactic, he could see right through it, and he doesn’t let up until Jack picks up his pencil once more. 

“You have homework?” Jack asks Spencer, who sits beside him and is still rubbing his eyes beneath his glasses. Steam off his coffee the only breath of life he needs to wake up fully.

“Oh, I always have homework. Last night it was actually Morgan’s ‘homework’, he thinks I don’t notice when he slips files onto my desk.” 

Hotch sends Spencer a reprimanding look, because they both know that Morgan and Prentiss slip Spencer files all the time and he’s supposed to be putting his foot down about it. 

“He should really do his own homework,” Jack mumbles, glaring at his own math equations. 

“Well you be sure to tell him that when you see him again, Jack.” Spencer would pay good money to see that conversation, and he smiles fondly at the young boy for having his back. 

It’s barely ten minutes later when Spencer is getting up from the table and is gravitating towards the coffee pot for cup number two when Jack pipes up again.

“Hey -- was I supposed to not tell anyone about Spencer living here?” 

Hotch and Spencer look at each other, not realizing that… really that was what had happened in plain terms. Spencer did indeed live there. He couldn’t even remember the last time that he had been back to his apartment. Weeks, maybe. 

“It’s not really a secret bud, why?” Hotch asks, hesitant because… it’s not a secret, they just haven’t said anything to anyone.

“Because Aunt Penny didn’t know and now she’s sending me lots of screaming emojis.” 

Spencer looks to his phone and he also happens to have about a dozen text messages from Penelope. Most of it unintelligible key smashes and strings of pictures. 

“No texting at breakfast, you know better,” Hotch reprimands Jack as he checks his own phone. The juxtaposition making Jack scowl and Spencer snicker. Hotch finds he doesn’t have as many messages from their tech analyst, but he does have a few. The whole team probably knows already. 

He sends out a text to everyone that says ‘team meeting 9am’ 

“Guess I don’t have to take the train today.” Spencer is giving him a look over his coffee mug, amused but still hesitant. “I feel like we should be nervous, but I’m not.” 

Hotch can’t help the smirk of a smile on his face as he presses Spencer to the counter and kisses him fully, but still at least a little chaste -- with Jack making gagging sounds in the background. ’Dad, gross--’

“Finish your homework, and go brush your teeth,” he tells him without looking over. One more kiss that tastes like coffee and too much sugar, grinning a little too wide.

“I can’t tell if you’re happy, or plotting something.”

“A bit of both,” Hotch answers cryptically.

“Now I’m nervous.”

“Don’t be, I’ve been planning for this day for a long time.” But he keeps his secrets to himself as he ushers Spencer towards the bedroom -- their bedroom, he now realizes -- to make him get ready for work.

--

An hour later, the team is gathered at the round table in the conference room, and Hotch passes out binders to everyone packed with training material.

"Wait, this is an actual team meeting?" Prentiss blanches.

"How is this not about you and Reid sleeping together!?" The shock of a five pound binder in their hands seems to have taken any accusational tones out of anyone’s voices, but Hotch still scowls at Morgan’s outburst, and Spencer immediately jumps to their defense.

"We aren't sleeping together, we're…" they look at each other. "Living together. Are together."

"Dating." Hotch simplifies.

"Okay, so this ISN'T about you two 'dating'?" JJ elaborates this time, careful gaze darting between them, as is everyone else’s. 

"No, this is about how none of you noticed we were dating,” Hotch answers evenly, calmly. “If it had been about announcing ourselves, the text would have said ‘family’ meeting." 

That makes a few people smile, Penelope making a soft squeal in delight, and it changes the air in the room dramatically. 

"So ‘family’ dinner Saturday, Dave's house thank you for volunteering." Hotch says, just to wipe the smug look off the older man's face. He hadn’t said a word, yet, but with the smirk he’d been sporting all morning he didn’t need to. 

"This," he points to binders. “is a refresher course you all get to audit. Profiling 101, I want them on my desk by the end of the week. Morgan do not pass it off to Reid, you're doing your own homework this time."

Spencer can’t help it, he laughs. Hotch manages not to -- even in the face of Morgan’s comically betrayed expression.

At least Jack would be pleased to hear it.

[pedropascalssimp]

Thunderstorms

Boba fett x fem reader

Summary: jango (your and boba's son) seems to favor you, making boba a little jealous and also ✨sad boi✨ but after one particular night spent on Eadu jango finds himself clinging to a certain bounty hunter.

Warnings: Fluffy soft boba. Short - like really short because I suck😖

Part 3 to this

Tags: @anilynworlds

The ship was in complete silence, something that seemed to be a rarity since little jango was born into the galaxy. Every night since you both had left Endor after you recovered from giving birth, little jango seemed to find wailing at 3am up until 9am was the most thrilling thing in the galaxy. No matter what you did, feed him, change him, even walk him around the ship you called home, he wouldn't fall asleep. Not until you started letting him sleep in your and boba's bed that is. You didn't mind him sleeping with you both, neither did boba, in fact it put him more at ease knowing his son was safer snuggled under the furs and in his riduurs loving arms. But jango seemed to not like how boba would at least try and hold him, he always cried whenever his father held him. Tiny puffy eye's tightly shut as his little cheeks turned red as cries flew out of his mouth.

It was frustrating for boba how much his son clings to you, always tugging at your pant leg or reaching out for you to hold him, of course you'd drop everything your doing to hold the little man, placing little kisses on his chubby cheeks and loving the adorable giggles that emit from him when you do so. Boba knew he should be happy to see his son love you the way he does, he should be thrilled. But he couldn't help feeling a little envious, especially since he was strongly convinced his son hated him.

It was quiet as jango slept in your arms, you seated in the co-pilot seat while boba was beside you flying the ship through space. You didn't miss how his eyes would fall on you and your sleeping two year son. So you give him a small smile, "he's been doing good with talking, he can almost anything... Of course it's still a little none understandable at the moment" you giggle at how he words things, dink being drink and sleep being seepy, his two favorite words besides momma, It was adorable. You adore his little voice, always giggling at how he leaves Rs out of some things. But for a two year old he was a fast learner.

"I've noticed... He seems to call you momma now, but I have yet to hear him say daddy or even buir" boba sighs, voice gruff letting you know he's tired. He's been trying to make enough credits to give you and jango a nice life he said, taking on more bounties then usual, in fact, you was heading to the planet Eadu because some bounty boba was hunting was supposedly located there.

"he'll say it... Just give him some time" you reassure, but you can tell by the ever present grumpy look on his face he didn't believe you.

"I've been giving him time since the day he was born cyar'ika I can't even hold him without hearing him scream and cry, he hates me" boba grumbled as a scowl was etched on his face, brown eye's glued to stars that zoomed by.

You sigh and stand up, careful as to not wake jango up, his head resting on your chest as his little arms wrap around your neck. You walk over to boba and run a hand through his dark hair, his eye's falling on you. "he loves you boba, it was only natural for him to cry that much as a baby" you say and trail your hand down to cup his jaw, tilting his head more.

"that doesn't make up for how he is two years old and still refuses to let me hold him" his voice came out more gruff, a sign he was getting irritated. "he's a mommas boy my riduur, you spoil him to much" he muttered with a ghost of a smile on his face, his eye's holding the amusement his voice failed to display making his words some harsher, but you knew he wasn't angry nor frustrated.

"I'm not the one who buys him absolutely everything he points at when we walk through the markets" you tease boba, remembering how if he spots jango point at something with a excited glint in his dark eye's, he'd buy it.

Rolling his eyes, boba focuses back on flying the ship. "I don't want him to do without, I only get him something if he needs it" he grumbled causing you to roll your eye's this time, you knew that he did it because it was his way of showering the boy in love, buying him little toys after every hunt and always sneaking little desserts into his plate whenever you wasn't looking. Boba spoiled the boy without a doubt.

Deciding to not tease him anymore you place a kiss on his forehead making him hum happily as he peers up at you, "I need to lay him down before he wakes up, hopefully you'll be joining us after awhile" you said before walking out of the cockpit. As you walk through the ship, making your way into the small room you called a bedroom, you laid jango down easily so you could get ready for bed. As you take your dirty shirt off, picking up a clean one your about to put it on, but instead you throw it against the wall and scream in fright, for on the shirt was some sort of large spider looking bug.

Jango jults awake and looks around the room until his large eyes fall on you, staring at wear the shirt is with startled eyes.

"momma what's 'ong?" his little voice spoke up making you look back at him with red cheeks, embarrassed you screamed like that over a bug. But you was terrified of them.

"cyar'ika!? What's going on? What's the matter?" boba runs into the room with a hand on his blaster holstered at his hip and concern on his face.

You look up at him, standing with only your bra and pants on as you point at your short laying on the floor with a sheepish smile. "there's a spider on my shirt..." you muttered without meeting his eye's, To embarrassed.

Boba sighs with relief and walks over to the shirt, crouching down to inspect it. Jango starts asking you what's wrong again and you scoop him up as he watched boba intently. As your husband picks the shirt up and shakes it you see the bug fall out of the shirt and onto the floor, making you jump and scream, jango soon screaming but his sounded like glee rather then fright. Jango always watched closely whenever boba would always get bugs away from you and him or simply always helping you in whatever way possible, whether it be a protective way or a simple task.

Boba stomped the spider before it could crawl away anywhere and gives you a reassuring smile, "there, you're terrifying little friend is gone" he mused while handing you your shirt, you take it hesitantly while looking over it. Not really wanting to put that one on now you gently lay it down and find another one to put on, of course you hand jango to boba so you can slip the shirt on. But like boba expect jango starts reaching for you while repeating momma! This makes boba roll his eyes and bounce jango around.

"why do you hate me so much hm?" he asked with his usual scowl, making your son start crying. After you get the shirt on you quickly walk over to them and take jango from boba who seemed a little annoyed.

"he doesn't hate you" you sigh while calming jango down, his little cries turning to whimpers as you rub his back soothingly. "why do you always give buir a hard time? He always protects us from big bad bugs and always spoils you with toys... He's a nice buir isn't he?" you talk to jango with a smile, watching how he looks over at boba and then buried his face in your neck.

"get some rest cyar'ika, it won't take long before we arrive to Eadu" boba wasn't one to initiate anything affectionate, but you knew by the way he stood still, watching you with those big brown eye's that he was waiting for the kiss you always gave him before bed. You walk over to him and gently peck his lips, "I'll be in here in a few minutes" he grunts while leaving, the door closing behind him. You turn to jango who was already innocently looking up at you, eye's droopy. You kiss his little forehead and walk over to the bed.

"jango honey, can you say buir?" you ask while laying down on the bed, back pressed against the mattress while he peers up at you through his dark lashes.

"seepy momma" he yawns while wiping at his eye's, and although you are determined to get your son call boba buir... But he was sleepy, so you lay down and gently run your fingers through your sons dark hair. His head falling on your chest.

Perhaps you can try and teach him when on Eadu, when boba is on the hunt. It would surely surprise him if he came home and his son called him buir, hugging him if you was lucky. It would make boba happy, especially since jango acts like boba is nothing but a grumpy man who simply supplies him with food, clothes and toys.

It's been a few days since boba left Slave I in search of the quarry, but you expected the hunt go on for that long, boba was supposed to be him in merely a few hours. You walk around, holding jango close as he cries, loudly might you add. You was worried about your son, he always calmed down whenever you'd walk around the ship with him while telling him little stories. Your voice always soothing him, but today it seemed everything you did wasn't working. At first you didn't know what was scaring him, but as the loud claps of thunder shook the ship, you understood he was scared of the thunder. Eadu was known for being a stormy planet, always raining and lighting along with thundering. Something jango has never heard before, but for the first few days the thunderstorms was quiet, not entirely loud enough to be heard from inside the ship. But today the storm seemed bad, thunder so loud it drowns out jango's cries almost.

"c'mon jango honey it's okay... You're safe" you say by his ear as he screams, little voice starting to go hoarse from how long his crying has been going on, almost two hours. You sigh and walk into the room, sitting on the bed and placing your son in your lap as you hug him.

It wasn't much longer until the door opens with a hiss, boba walking in, in his armor. Helmet gone as he gives you a look of concern.

"what's wrong with him?" he asks while looking to you with furrowed brows.

"he's terrified of the thunder" you tell him, but as jango heard boba's voice, his head is turn in his direction while he reaches for boba.

"buir! I want you!" jango cries, shocking both you and boba. But boba is quick to pick his son up, holding him close while jango rest his head on boba's chest.

"you're okay my little adiik, you're safe with me... I won't let anything hurt you" he placed a kiss on jango's head while swaying softly. Jango sniffles as his cries subside, little hand reaching up to pat boba's cheek as he kisses his nose. The sight enough to make your heart swell while a smile tugs at your lips. Boba smiling a rare beautiful smile.

" 'ove you buir!" jango says happily while you stand up and stand beside them, loving the way boba's eyes sparkle with happiness, love swimming in the brown eye's you adore.

Gently placing a hand on his little back you giggle when he pats boba's cheek again. "I love you too you stubborn little man" boba grabs his little hand and placed a kiss on his forehead, making jango giggle.

"I told you he'd say it" you said, grinning at your husband. He nods and goes to hand you jango so he can take the armor off and wash away the days hunt off of him. As he does so jango tightly wraps his arms around boba refusing to leave him.

"oh come on now, I have to get cleaned up little one" boba tries to unwrap his arms, successfully do so and handing jango to you. But the little tremble of his lip and tears swimming in his eye's tells you both he's gonna cry. And cry he does while you hold him.

"jango honey he has to take his armor off" you coo trying to calm him down. Your attempts useless until boba gets back.

You tried bouncing him, tickling him, even making funny faces at your son. But he only sits on the bed and cries, "buir!!! I wan' buir!!" jango screams, and it's then his buir walks through the door wearing comfy pants and a shirt. Hair damp as he smugly walks over and picks jango up.

"it looks like he's done being a mommas boy and decided he wants to be his buirs little warrior" boba holds him with a smug smile making you roll your eye's but smile nonetheless, happy jango is finally calling him daddy now.

"he's always going to be a mommas boy, but for some reason he's just clinging to you tonight" you say while crawling in bed, slipping under the covers and watching your riduur with a amused smile. "but just you see, he's going to be cuddled up to me as soon as you lay him in the bed" you spoke matter of factly, almost cocky as you smirk at boba. He rolls his eyes and grumbles something under his breath, whatever it was made jango giggle, a proud smile on your husband's face.

As soon as boba crawls in bed he placed jango between you both, boba rolls over on his side to face you while you do the same. Jango pulls the covers up and turns to boba, holding on to his arm that drapes over him. Boba laughs at the gasp you let out, betrayal written all over your face.

"jango!! How dare you do this to me! Betraying you're own mother like this" you pout playfully and turn your back to them, a smile now on your face.

"ignore her son, she's only trying to make you feel guilty for finally treating me like I'm you're father and not some man who lingers around the ship" boba jokes, something that was rare but tonight seemed to be a unique night.

Jango listens to boba and ignored you, falling asleep while snuggled up to your husband. You turn around and smile at them. Noticing boba was also asleep. You giggle quietly and scoot closer, draping your arm over jango and placing your hand on boba's arm, taking in the tender moment you was having with your little family.

After that one night jango never wanted to leave boba's side, always latching onto his legs whenever he tried to walk or always asking him to hold him, it was cute, adorable even as jango soon decided to favor his father now.

___________________________________________

[fey-touched-trilogy]

30 Days to 70k - Camp Nano July 2022

Post three, for July 3rd...

By the time I went to bed at 9am on the morning of July 3rd, I'd only managed another three 20-minute sprints, and 1,244 words.

I got a little side tracked, fell a little behind, but I did manage to bring my total word count up to 11,362, which is enough to meet my minimum needed word count for Day 5.

That meant, for this afternoon, I only had to do an extra 2,186 to match the goal for Day 6, or an extra 4,444 to match the goal for Day 7.

Waking up tonight, I was ready to get my teeth into those 4.5k words, but literally 22-words into my first sprint, one of my neighbours decided to spark up some of the most foul smelling skunk I've ever encountered.

(For those who don't know, skunk is a colloquial term for a foul smelling strain of weed/cannabis)

You can buy CBD oil at the local shops now, and if that's too expensive, I know there are strains of it that don't stink out my *entire bloody house* but I digress.

My point is, 22-words into my first sprint and tonight was already going to hell in a handbasket...

But, I did eventually manage to drag out an extra 3,200 words, making my total for July 3rd; 4,523

I made the goal for Day 6 on Day 3, and I was only 1,200 short of Day 7's goal. Better than I expected when I woke up.

The next goal is still to get seven days ahead. To do this I need about 10k words, so I'm going to aim for 6k before bed on July 4th, and then another 4k when I get up in the afternoon of July 4th. Wish me luck <3

As for how the story's progressing, I'm up to Chapter 14 now, and I've gained two entirely new chapters that weren't in my outline, but I love them a lot!

My favourite part is that both of the new chapters are from Andric's PoV, my main character's love interest. It's letting me put in a lot more worldbuilding and backstory details than I was previously able to, and introduce his best friend, Nameer Khatri, within the first act.

Since it's going to well, I'm gonna share just a little snippet from Chapter Twelve of Changeling...

"Andric!"

For a split second, the high pitched voice calling his name made his heart still in horror. The thought that he'd walked, unprepared, straight into another encounter with Mia Harris made his stomach go cold, but then the the voice fully registered. It's false pitch, the awkward vocal tics as the speaker tried to make themself sound feminine and failed entirely, and Andric growled at the grinning face of his best friend.

"Don't do that!" he snarled.

"Oh, my friend. I'd say I'm sorry for startling you, but the look on your face just now was entirely worth any retribution you bring down upon me at a later date," Nameer said laughing, leaning against the door that led back to the rest of the school with his ankles and arms casually crossed.

He was still dressed in the uniform of a Kavian Hunter, so Andric assumed he'd come directly from his post on the front gates. A black t-shirt with short sleeves that looked simple enough, but was reinforced with tiny strands of woven plastic, making it highly resistant to the scrabbling claws of a rabid kavian. The trousers were thick leather, reinforced in places, with built in sheaths for the daggers that hunters always carried.

Nameer preferred his gun, Andric knew, but nothing took a kavian down faster than a severed carotid, and no hunter would refused to carry a blade on principle alone.

"What are you even doing here?" Andric demanded, "Shouldn't you be sleeping, or preparing the next round of torture for your students?"

"And let you skitter off into the unknown without an explanation?" his oldest friend asked, a black eyebrow arching over warm brown eyes, still glimmering with open amusement, his dark clothes and umber skin almost letting him disappear into the shadows of the windowless office.

Then his lips parted into a familiar, cheeky grin, flashing sharp, white teeth at Andric playfully. "Not bloody likely."

Andric stared at Nameer for a long moment, holding the other man's gaze, before he let a wide grin spread across his features. It was mirrored by Nameer, the other vampire's smile widening into an open grin, as Andric paced across the room. The two came together easily, right hands clasping left forearms, while they tugged each other into a hug, laughing.

"Ah, I have missed you," Andric sighed when they stepped back, and Nameer sobered slightly in response. He studied Andric's features carefully, and Andric let him until the other man let out a soft hum.

"It's rough, back home?" he asked gently, and Andric nodded.

[tamiddyinyourcity]

11:13pm. I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

I did not expect to like this man.

Tuesday, July 9th of 2019.

11:13pm. Lying in my younger brother's room, to avoid the fatality that is trying to sleep in my own bedroom, with the grandmother who smells like she shit herself. Which she most likely has, but never seems to be in a rush to actually shower or rinse off or anything hygienic.

Gross. :/.

Anyways.

I'm... scared. I like this dude too much. I hate romantic feelings, and if anything I hate never knowing if I'm too much, or too little, for somebody else.

But it's not the only reason I'm anxious.

I also:

Am being forced to be apart of a job hiring program, that didn't even have any employers signed onto their shit.

Am going through a crisis on how ever since I turned 17, life has gotten worse, and soon I will be 19 and just about ready to kill myself when the right moment and perfect opportunity comes.

Why deal with a shitty job at a shitty job program for the summer, when it cuts out my quality time to spend with the one person who shows me some real fucking affection before they leave for school in the middle of the next month???? I wanna spend more time with them, not deal with the monotony of life and capitalism.

The job center place said "be careful of what is on social media, or places may not hire you or will just suddenly fire you".... and here i am, on the Internet, talking about suicide, sex, and how much i absolutely am devastated at the idea of working, when i would much rather be nomadic and without needing to pay a debt to society.

Feeling like a failure to society's standard, but a winner to my own, despite being too afraid of the consequences to really make my own success, by leaving the really toxic people behind me. :)

What if I just became homeless? Could i survive like that?... probably not. But eh.

If I ever got kicked out, who could i go to? I dunno.

Why is life shitty.

Sigh.

I feel weird in life.

Just... so much to be anxious about.

It doesn't help that someone I knew months ago spontaneously re-entered my life, told me all of their traumatic and personally triggering childhood memories, and then came to me for the answers.... I am ten years younger than them and barely even know how to save 40 dollars, bro, i cant fix your life....

Nor did they accept the help they pressured me to give them.

Like several other people in the job center today, asking for advice on what to write for their cover letter but still fucking shit up on their own by going "Yeah! Haha....", and then.... not taking a single fucking bit of my advice given.

.......

It just feels useless, man.

All of it.

Life is wasted on us.

All my aspirations are kinda tossed out the window. Im broke. Im tired. Life sucks.

I just really feel like shit.

And everything about the last few days has me ready to start sobbing. My boyfriend said "I'm free for hella days this week, ill hit you up when you wanna chill", and so far we still haven't met up...

The confidence I felt in my own self-government when I told my sister I would pass on re-entering the same job program that fucked me up last summer.... until she was a loser and whined to my mom, who then forced me to go. (No debating with her, or else its "you dont pay rent", even though she blatantly takes my disability checks to pay for rent when she doesnt work a job, and next thing you know, all my shit, is out on the curb.)

Spending most of today with people i didnt want to be around, who also gave absolutely no shits about me, and being taught shit that i had already known about by myself, from 9am to 3:30pm...

And of course the judgemental looks from those i was around today for my choice of an outfit and my overall exhaustation or disinterest and shyness for the day, recalling the intense embarrassment and paranoia over someone that isnt even my boyfriend from how they talk to other people during our last sorta cutesy hangout... all of that shit.

I don't know man. Its all so hard to explain.

I just feel anxious.

I want to leave. Pack all of my shit. Move into a sublet. Work a job at a boutique, instead of whatever shitty office job i get from this work program, and dress as classy as i fucking want. Have my own schedule. My own life.

Far, far away from here.

See who i want, say what i want, love who i want and be around those i choose.

....

I gotta buy hangers.

To hang up all my clothes, and purge my closet. Get rid of anything i can't carry myself...

Save money, not spending a dime.

Apply to places, make it easier for me to drop everything and leave once I finally see a good chance for myself.

I need to start loving myself again.

Not loving other people and memories of them, in the shit scented bedroom, just so I can temporarily forget how much i hate this lifestyle.

I will never leave otherwise if i let myself Alice in Wonderland my way through so much shit. Daydreaming about the boy I love and the life I wish I allowed myself to have, doesnt stop the walls from feeling sticky or from my stomach being unable to be filled at all.

....

Love myself first and no one else.

Since when my family leaves, and my lover leaves, and my friends or whatever spare love interests or "concubines" fall out of the picture frame....

The remaining image will still be of me.

Will it be me smiling and feeling glad with my new life?

Or worse?

Lets see.

11:38pm, gonna send my resume to a fuckton of places online and hope for the best.

[a-mess-abroad]

Quick note for those of you new to tumblr, you can view all pictures full size (complete with stupid captions) by clicking on them.

I’m not doing a great job of blogging this time around. I’m really trying to soak it all in. Once I get back to the States, I’ll be uploading everything from my camera and doing a big travel vlog, so stay tuned for that! For now, the best way to stay following my minute-by-minute adventures is on Snapchat: misspdt. 

On day four I arrived in Dublin. I love Dublin, but I only spent one night there before heading straight to Galway in the morning. I checked into Barnacles Hostel Temple Bar (which was so cool) and took a much needed shower. I headed straight to my favourite pub, O’Neills and was sadly a bit disappointed this time round. I wandered over to Grafton St. right around the time everything was closing and that’s when the sleepiness hit me like a ton of bricks. I walked around a bit more, got some delicious gelato at Gino’s, and then finally gave into the lack of sleep and headed back with just over 15,000 steps on my FitBit for the day. I ended up falling asleep to the sounds of drunken tourists at around 8pm and not getting up until 9am the next morning. 

I gathered my things and ran back to Grafton Street to see if I could find a passport cover like the one I got last time I was in Dublin. I luckily have a very good sense of direction and a fairly photographic memory. I found what I believe to be the shop (Article) inside Powerscourt Centre but it didn’t open until I had to be back at my hostel and on my way to the bus stop. Guess I’ll have to come back! ;) I stopped by M&S to grab some food and continue my search for bite-sized Colin the Caterpillars. The two I’ve been to so far only have the big ones and I just don’t think it’s polite to eat a whole Colin in one sitting on public transport. Even after nearly 13 hours of sleep, I still proceeded to sleep almost the entire journey to Galway. I checked into Kinlay Hostel, which I highly recommend. Side note: I’ve had the best luck with hostels so far. Last time I had a few I wasn’t super pleased with, but every one I’ve mentioned so far I would definitely recommend. 

While waiting for my phone and camera to charge, I booked my trip to the Aran Islands and Cliffs of Moher for the following day on Viator. Shout out to my coworker for suggesting it to me…it saved me around €10 on that tour alone! I headed to a very highly rated restaurant called The Pie Maker which was the definition of cosy. The food was absolutely delicious and I ended up meeting a very lovely girl there who gave me the run down on Galway. I love meeting locals who genuinely adore with their hometown. Many people don’t have great things to say about where they grew up (myself included) so I think it’s special to find people who do. SHE ALSO INFORMED ME THAT ED SHEERAN WAS IN TOWN. His little ditty about a girl from Galway has brought lots of attention to this relatively small town. I ended up at a pub she highly recommended called the Salt House. I drank my fair share of whisky and chatted with some locals. I decided to quit while I was ahead so I wouldn’t be hungover for my early start to the Cliffs.

Thursday probably deserves a blog post in and of itself, but I already included the pictures so you’re just going to have to endure this long post. First off, the tour company I went with was called the Spirit of Ireland Executive Travel. I highly recommend them because it’s smaller than the Galway/Aran Tour Company (that’s the one you’ll see everywhere) and the tour guide Phil was truly spectacular. We visited the smallest of the Aran Islands: Inisheer. I honestly had never even thought about going to the islands but booked it on a whim and WOW, I’m so glad I did! It was an absolutely gorgeous day. I rode around with a man and his horse (and dog)! Most people from my tour group seemed to opt for the self-guided option either by foot or bicycle hire, which I don’t understand. I always suggest mingling with the locals! Speaking of locals, I met a little boy who thought I was a famous YouTuber! I told him I would subscribe to his channel and to never give up on his dream. Wow! What a cute little fellow. I still can’t believe how clear the water is on the west coast of Ireland. We even saw a dolphin(!!!) as we waited and boarded the ferry back. I definitely was not expecting that! The Cliffs of Moher were spectacular, both by sea and up on land. I even sat on the very edge of the cliff (sorry mom), which was equal parts exciting and terrifying. When I was younger and hiking/camping a lot with my parents, my dad was always the one pissing mom off by standing too close to the edge. Somebody had to take his place! Before this trip, I’ve always planned my travel almost exclusively to/around big cities and I’ve quickly realised how mistaken I’ve been. Mother Nature is one badass bitch and I’m trying to appreciate her more. Huge shout out to everyone who insisted I visit the Cliffs while in Ireland. That tour was more than worth the €40 I paid for it.

We arrived back in Galway nearly 10 hours later, so naturally I needed some time to recover. I had planned to spend most of my night in a pub, but I just didn’t have it in me. Once I headed out to dinner and realised it was raining, I was ready to get back into bed. I had fish & chips at the famous McDonagh’s but truth be told, I wasn’t very impressed. I thought it was fine, but nothing worth being famous for. I grabbed gelato once again at Gino’s (sorry Dojo, but they’re my new #1). After I came back to my hostel, I started chatting with two American girls who are spending the semester in Dublin and were just visiting Galway for the weekend. I try not to associate with Americans when I travel (sorry folks) but they were lovely. I solidified plans with the friends I’m staying with while in England and then called it a night.

I’ve just checked out of my hostel (and just happened to meet a girl from Cincinnati in the process)! Unfortunately many things are closed on Good Friday in Ireland, which I didn’t think about when I booked a late flight to London. I’m going to head out in a few to see what I can find open and then I’ve got a date with HRH this evening. Stay tuned as I return ‘home’ to London, baby! (Yet another Friends reference)