#it's now almost 11 pm and i need to be up at 5 am again on saturday .____. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

misguidedasgardian · 2 years ago

Text

I need to (11)

... Run myself against you

MASTERLIST

I need to… rub myself against you

Summary: Jealousy Jealousy

Pairings: Cregan Stark x Fem!Reader

Warnings: cursing, underage drinking in some countries, alcohol consumption, implied use of other drugs, party peopleeee

Wordcount: 3.8 k

Notes: I’m introducing new players! Muahaha, and again, all is fair in this, characters from GOT or HotD, all in one, all in!, I did not check this, it like 5 am where I live and i didn't have the strength

You wanted to cry

You had been sleep deprived for the last couple of days, you had drinked your weight in coffee, endangering your budget for the semester, and right now, the thin wooden stick model that you were making had just collapsed in your hands by lack of glue.

You loved your career, but it was demanding, and right know you needed to make a model showing three different concepts for an art gallery and you were losing your mind

You couldn’t work at your dorm, so you were in your faculty with other students, you were starving and sleepy, and even though the building was open 24/7 for this cases in particular, it did not have even a expensive machine for you to use

You were losing it

You jumped when your phone rang, it was ten pm, who could be at this hour?

To your surprise, it was Sara

“Where are you?”, she asked as soon as you answered

“At the ADA”, you muttered

“Get your ass here at the boy’s”

“Really?”

“Yeah we have coffee, tea, snacks, and energy drinks”

“Uff great, I’m on my way”, you sighed, relieved

You packed your supplies and grabbed the base for your model, and abandoned the premises after saying your goodbyes to your classmates

You liked them, you had friends, but not as friendly as to spend the night with them yet

The walk to the boy’s apartment was fast, since you were almost speed walking. You weren’t scared that something would happen to you but still your walk was very fast, it was cold at night

You, of course, were received warmly by Cregan when he opened the door, he greeted you with a kiss in the cheek, while you could hear screams in the background

“No!”

“Auw!”

“You got it wrong! The prima nocta was forbidden during the reign of Jaehaerys the conciliator in 60 AC”, you heard a squirting sound and and Jace whined, “I thought you were a feminist Jacerys”

You came into view and realised Sara was holding a spray with an unknown liquid inside of it, and was spraying Jace

“Very funny” whined Jace drying his face with the sleeve of his sweatshirt

“Hello”, you giggled

“Hello love”, She greeted, “is the only way he pays attention”

“Yeah sure”, whined Jace

“It’s only water with a bit of tea”, said Sara

“I’m loving this but please keep it away from my model”, you laughed

“Half the table is all yours”, offered Cregan, putting papers in order

“Great, thanks guys”, you said with smile, “I was about to drop at the ADA”

“I love it when you call it the ADA, sound like a cool government organisation”, mocked Jace

“RIGHT?”, you chuckled back

You had half the dining room table while Cregan had the other half with his notes and notebook, Sara and Jace shared the couch and half the tea table each

They quizzed each other amongst silly and colourful games, that really seemed to help them, while Cregan and you ended up sitting by the same side of the table, he would lean into you to ask you something, or sometimes when he needed to rest his mind he would help you cut or paste small sticks into your model

Hours passed and you had listened to music, you had helped each other, quizzed each other, you took turns to cut small wooden pieces, or reciting Sara’s hIgh Valyrian poetry, or helped Jace with phonetics to remember dates and kings and presidents… or helped Cregan’s with hypothetical in weak spots of his plan

You felt so good with Cregan, so comfortable, and you found yourself wanting to share the bed with him again, and not even have sex but… take a power nap cuddling each other

You felt like a burning need to touch him, he had hugged you a couple of times and you found yourself wanting to be engulfed into his thick, protective arms again

He caught you staring and smiled softly at you.

“If you want to take a nap, or just sleep, you can take my room”, he offered, you looked at your model, you were almost done… but just

“Not yet, but thanks”, you whispered, “are you going to sleep?”

“Not yet”, those couple of nights you spend sleeping together had been so nice, you wanted to be with him, in his company

The idea of being intimate didn’t frighten you anymore, you were looking forwards to it

You wanted to hang out with him, you wanted to be around him, to get to know him better, you wanted to… be alone… with him

But right now, you needed to focus, you got up from your seat and went to get a soothing tea this time and a fruit for good sugar,

As you were waiting for the water to boil, you looked at the coffee/breakfast cabinet, and you amazed to find a brand new can of Ashford coffee

The one that you liked

You knew Jace didn't like it, and apparently, Cregan drank Dornish, so it surprised you that they had it

“I bought it for you”, Cregan joined you in the kitchen holding his empty cup

“Really?”, you asked, he smiled

“The other day when you spent those marvellous days with us”

“They were pretty great”, coming home to your friends and your… love interest, meaning Cregan was your friend but… you wanted him to be more than that… anyways… cooking together, eating together, the domesticity, you loved it, “I almost felt guilty when they fixed the boiler”, you whined

“Right? Anyways, you two spend a lot of time here, so, it’s nice to have your favourite coffee, right?”, you smiled at him

“That is… one of the most considerate things someone has ever done for me”, you admitted, he only smiled, his cheeks tainting with a blush

The water boiler whistled, letting you know the water was ready,breaking you out of your spell

“Tea?”, you offered

“Yeah, this one from Yi-Ti is the coolest”

“Uh, we might agree in this particular hot beverage”, you teased

“Yeah my cinnamon with Dornish I won’t trade”, that northerner accent really got you

“Neither my Ashford with chocolate”, you whispered

“Good, good”, the tension grew big, and you both realised it, and dispersed from the kitchen to continue your work

You sat back again and continued with your model

Until you couldn’t, you were going to fall off the table asleep

Sara and Jace were knocked out on top of each other, and your eyes burnt, and you had the most of your idea embodied in wood sticks, and you had completed your vision board, you dropped out

“They look so comfortable”, you whispered with a shy smile, looking at them both, cuddling sweetly

“Yeah”, Cregan whispered, you looked at him, he looked back at you

“Can I take you up on that offer of your bed?”, you asked, with a tired voice, Cregan was already looking at you

“Always”, he whispered with a shy smile

“Are you…?”, he nodded

And with kinky smiles, you got to his bed, and almost fainted on top of it, not having the time or energy to really do something…

. . .

After the presentation of your model, you slept like two whole days, and Sara did too right by your side on her bed… you might have broken a personal record or something

But as Saturday arrived… you woke up renewed and ready for your first intense party on campus, even though you were halfway done with the semester anyways

And you you were applying mascara and lipstick on the mirror of the the common room’s bathrooms

“We look so hot”. Sara giggled

“I don’t understand why we couldn’t go hang out with the boys”, you muttered, as Baela and Rhaena joined you too

“Because, the magic fades if they see it happening, if better if they see us all ready to party, looking as hot as we are looking right now”

It made sense, you were looking… pretty good, you did your eyes, and your face and your lips… and your hair! Pretty much everything

You were excited

Many things happened at parties

Sexy things…

With people you had attraction with…

“So… who are you hunting tonight ladies?”, teased Sara, remembering the night of the hunt at the beginning of the semester

“Uff Corbyn Corway is looking extra yummy”, teased Rhaena

“Yeah, it's been a while I think I’m gonna give Jon a pass”, said Baela mindlessly

“AT LAST”, celebrated Sara, you laughed

You were getting hyped up

You took a couple of shots with your friends, even though it was a big nono regarding guidelines of campus living

And then, you walked together to the party.

The house wasn’t even on campus, it was outside of it, the legend was that the house was a rental, and the only renters were the members of the football teams, for generations

The school didn’t want anything to do with it, it wasn’t condoned

But you didn’t care, this were the wildest parties and today you felt on fire

You wanted to see Cregan, you wanted to drink, you wanted to dance… with him… you wanted to rub yourself against him at the rhythm of music, you only hoped he wanted it too

The last time you saw him you were sleep deprived and on student mode, but today you wanted to let off some steams and Gods… you really hopes he was in the same party mode as you were

“Ladies! Welcome!”, a big man greeted you at the entrance

“Robb”, called Sara, he had curly red hair and piercing green eyes, and a strange similarity to

“Hey cousin”

“Cousin?”, you asked

“Robb Stark M’Lady”, he greeted with the same accent you liked

“Back off Robb, she is “spoken for”, mocked Sara

“Well, nothing is set in stone”, he said, he couldn’t keep his eyes off of you, “Hey Theon”, another guy with dark brown hair and blue eyes approached you, he brought a tray with shots in them, “for the ladies”

“Thanks”, you said quickly, and took a shot and drank it all. The girls did the same

“Beautiful girls are always welcome in the house, party or not”, he winked, and you smiled only to be polite

“Let’s go”, murmured Sara

“I didn't know you had a cousin”, you said

“He and Cregan don’t get along”, she said quickly, “he is a junior in Business and there was always been some sort of rivalry”

You already knew about Sara, and her story, she and Cregan where half siblings, she was the daughter of an affair Cregan’s father had and he didn’t even knew about his sister until his parents died in a car accident when he was thirteen

His uncle took care of Cregan, and he in turn took care of his sister.

Apparently, The boys haven't arrived yet, Sara texted Jace but he hadn't answered

The party was already in full swing, music blasting from the living room, so many people that you could barely see how the house actually looked like, you only could realise that it was a three story home, and it did look like those frat houses in the movies, nothing impressive regarding decor, it was clear that only guys lived here.

You went directly to the kitchen, where you got drinks

Beer from a keg

It was lacking bubbles but it was free so you couldn’t complain

Baela, Rhaena and Sara were giggling and checking guys out, and you started to get nervous, bad nervous, there was so many people and the only one you wanted to see was not here yet

Sara was also getting annoyed

That is until, the hosts appeared in the kitchen

“I see the ladies are making themselves comfortable”, said the ring leader apparently, you could see it now, under the horrible cold lights of the kitchen, he had on this certain thing, a similarity to Cregan you couldn’t quite pinpoint, but if you met them separately, like on the street, you would have never guessed they were related

“And where is your man, the one that spoke for you?”, this old lingo was getting old pretty quickly, this guy was clearly into you, and you couldn’t be more

“He will be here soon”, you whispered

“It's your cousin”, teased Baela, that seemed to surprise Robb

“Cregan?”, he said, visibly surprised, he then turned to you, “you are dating my little cousin? He is a lucky man”

“Not yet”, you said back, he raised a perfect eyebrow

“Not yet?”, he said with a mocking smile, “what does that mean?”

“It’s a long story”, you said simply, not wanting to discuss your personal life with a stranger

“Oh, speaking off”, he said, signalling to the entrance, which you could see clearly form the kitchen

A big ground of friends entered, you immediately recognised Ben and Alyssane, and behind them, entered two girls, and then, Jace and Cregan

“Ah fuck”, Sara whined

“What?”, you asked her

“They partied before with Alyssane’s friends from pre-med”, she said

The boys were talking to both girls, and they looked gorgeous, they were gorgeous, they were laughing at things you could clearly not know, since, you weren’t there at the “pre game” with them, and it was clear that they had a good time

Cregan seemed awfully close to this gorgeous redhead, and it was naive of you to think that that a guy as awesome as him was going to be alone for that long

And then, like he sensed you looking at him, he raised his head, and he looked straight at you, at first, he smiled, and then… Robb placed an arm around your shoulders, making you jump in your spot. Cregan frowned, very annoyed, like you had never seen him before

You shook Robb off of you, making his annoying friend Theon laugh mockingly

“Sorry, reflex”, you said nonchalantly, and took the shot Sara was offering you

“Dang it, why did it have to be Miranda?”, whined Sara when she took you to a corner of the kitchen, out of the guy’s sight, and our of Robb’s reach

“What do you mean?”, you asked

“She is…. Argh, the girl I always worry about”, she admitted, you looked down, you were looking forwards to tonight, and now it was just akward

“We could go”, you whispered, she shook her head, drinking the beer she had in her hand

“No way, you have been looking forwards to this party for almost two weeks!”, she whined, “we need to vent”

“I agree”, said Rhaena, bring you both more shots, the fourth ones of the night, and you took it without complaint

Now your body was started to heat up

“Let’s dance!”, demanded Sara, and you only nodded, she grabbed you and directed you straight to the middle of the furnitureless living room, where people were jumping and dancing at the rhythm of the last song from this urban singer

You could tell Sara was angry, perhaps the reason you didn’t go to the boys’ house was because they didn’t even answer for starters.

The shots started to make effect on you, you were angry too, jealous also, but also you blame yourself for taking so long

So instead of making a scene, or just feeling gloomy, you decided to dance and let go, you had been through a lot the past months, and you did need to vent. The twins joined you and you danced together loosing yourselves to the music

You let the music and the alcohol take you somewhere else, where you could let go

But you couldn’t hide for long, soon you had that familiar feeling, the one that told you someone was looking at you.

You immediately found Cregan, looking at you from the arch that separated the living room from the entrance

He was alone, looking at you, beer in hand, his heated gaze almost burn you, and in a second, you felt relieved, but it was short lived, the red head appeared and cling into his arm

You didn’t want to feel like this, this bitter, so you shook your head and looked away.

Of course you didn’t see him pulling away from her, you were already in the other corner of the room

You didn’t want to see it, you couldn’t, you didn’t even go on a date with the guy and he was already hurting, that couldn’t be good, it was too good to be true, wasn’t it?

You were back in the kitchen and you served yourself a plastic cup of beer.

“There you are stranger”, of course Cregan had followed, alone, you turned to face him, and when you didn’t see the girl that had come with him, you visibly relaxed

“Hey”, you greeted

“I saw you dancing out there”, he teased, you smiled

“It’s been so long, I needed that”, you said more calmly, where is…. That girl?”

“I don’t know, I told her I wanted to see you”, he said, “she left”, you shared looks, longing looks

“She was beautiful”, you warned

“Not as beautiful as you”, he said firmly, “they came home with Ben before we were ready to come here to meet you, I didn’t want to…”

“Cousin!”, you could see how Cregan’s face got really annoyed when Robb appeared, and surrounding his shoulders with his arm, “aren’t you going to introduce me to your new girlfriends?”, what he had in handsome he had a jerk… so… quite much

“She is not my girlfriend”, he said calmly, “yet…”, he said, looking back at you

“What is this “yet…” thing?”, he had a thicker accent than Cregan, but he was using it to mock you

“Why do you care?”, Cregan asked back, Rob shook his shoulders

“It looks like you are stringing this poor girl along”, he said simply

“He is not”, you answered back, “and he is right, why do you care?”, you asked back

The kitchen was getting crowded and everyone seemed to be paying attention

“Well, nothing, it seems like you need time to think things through, to have things… clarified, and what better way to do it than a little… seven minutes in heaven?”, he asked out loud, and everyone cheered and clapped, whistled even

“What are we? Fifteen?”, mocked Cregan

“Let’s make it ten then, that should give you time for a quickie”, he said

“This is insane, I'm not gonna lock myself in a closet…”

Robb closed the door of the closet and locked it, you and Cregan exchanged looks and then whine when they turned off the lights, leaving you in total darkness

“Well, this is embarrassing”, you whispered

“Have fun in there, and remember, we can heard everything, but pretend we cannot”, you heard Robb say, and then he walked away

“I’m sorry for him”, Cregan muttered

“Now I know why you didn’t introduced him sooner”, you mocked, he chuckled

“It’s complicated”, he said softly

“It’s fine”

“So… you got a little jealous there?”, he teased

“No…” he couldn't; even see you and he knew you were embarrassed, and not being truthful

“I have to admit… I got jealous too when I saw you with my cousin…”, you savoured the words in your mouth, you liked them

“Cregan…”, you called

“You are not ready, I know…”

“I want to be with you”, you confessed, “I like being around you, you are considerate, generous, so so sweet and mature, when i’m with you, I feel safe and comfortable, and I want to spend more time with you…”

“I feel the same”, even in the dark, he managed to find and grab your hands softly, “I feel like I’ve known you since forever, ever since I first saw you…”

“With barbecue sauce on my face”, you laughed, he chuckled

“I want it to lick it off of you”, his tone dropped an octave, and it made you shiver. You couldn't see his face, but you wanted to, you felt his breath on your forehead, you knew and he knew what the other wanted

You felt him leaning in, you lent upwards, you could feel it, and almost taste him…

And then, Robb opened the door to the closet with a serious look on his face

“Happy?”, asked Cregan, annoyed, showing him your joint hands. He faked a smile

“Very”, he said then, letting you out

Cregan wouldn’t let go of you, he guided you to the first floor and onto the dance floor, your need raised again, you wanted to dance along, to celebrate, to jump in joy as Cregan accommodate you in the middle of the dance floor

“Are you sure you are ready?”, he asked, you were surrounded by people, but strangely, you felt you had more privacy now, not being heard by Robb and his creepy friends

“Yes”, you admitted, “I am, I’m so so ready”, he smiled widely

“Great”, he whispered, “mee too, I want to be with you, I want to watch slashers movies for your comfort, I want you to spend the nights in my home, in my bed…”

“I want that too”, you admitted, “I want to go to your football games, wearing your number, like in those cheesy movies”, he growled smirking

“Oh I’d love that”, he admitted, “you’d look so sexy with my colours and my last name on your shoulders”, you giggled

“Let’s do it”, you said with excitement

“Let’s do it”, he said. He looked down at you with those beautiful eyes of his, and couldn’t hold it any longer

He leaned down, you leaned in, and your lips collided in an explosion of feeling and sensations.

The music blasting, the bodies moving, the smells of cheap beer, bodies moving, and specially, the smell of him, of his cologne, of his essence. It was mind numbing, in the best of ways, his lips moulded to yours like they were made to fit perfectly.

He grabbed you gently, hugging you tightly against him, and you passed your arms by his shoulders, not wanting to let go

You finally separated, he abandoned your lips to pepper kisses all over your face, making you giggle

“You are so delicious, and you look so good tonight”

“Oh good, because I had a single person in mind when I was putting on this old thing”, you teased, he smiled widely

“I need to get you jealous more often”, he teased

“Don’t you dare”, he only smirked, and then he kissed you again.

taglist

@mxtokko @princesssterek @thefandomimagines @iamavailablesstuff @misspascalpunk @sweethoneyblossom1 @ipostwhtifeel @lunamoonbby @ahristata @watercolorskyy @yazzzmints @n4tforlife @littleshadow17 @alexa4040 @speedyballoonpainter @hc-geralt-23 @rayrayredpanda @eralen @yentroucnagol @valeskafics @iloveallmyboys @schadenfreude-and-sarcasm @ttkttt @aleemendoza2425-blog @drwstarkeyy @casualfansoul @urmomsgirlfriend1 @bruher @toms-cherry-trees @happinessinthebeing

#misguidedneed #cregan smut #cregan #cregan x reader #cregan stark x reader #cregan stark #cregan x you #cregan x y/n #cregan fanfiction #hbo house of the dragon

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kanmom51 · 2 years ago

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JM live 1 September 2023 20:54 or 8:54 pm KST

And a little bit about JK's same day live as well.

Part 1

Cr./The creators of the media used in this post.

So we got a live from JK at the start of the day. 12:55 am or 00:55 KST, and from JM in the evening, at 20:55 or 8:54 pm KST.

One opening the days birthday celebrations (or was he?) and the other closing them (in a sense).

Do we have numbers working for the two?

Let's see.

JK's live:

Super easy. Add the 1+2+5+5=13. Then add 0+0+5+5=10.

What?

13/10.

So we get JK's special day with JM's special day. How sweet.

JM's live: Add the 2+0+5+4=11. Then add the 8+5+4=17 and down to a single digit: 1+7=8.

Guess what we get.

8/11

And if you want just a little bit more utilize the date:

1/9/23

1+9+2+3=15

and Ta-dah...

8/11/15

Oh, and if it's numbers we are talking about, and if anyone has any kind of doubt that numbers mean so so much to JM and JK, well here's another little doozy.

JM's watch. Yes, the tens of thousands of dollars worth watch he was wearing during the live.

*Screenshot taken at 3:20 min. mark.

It's a little hard to see, but the time on his watch looks to be around the 3:27 mark.

I want to remind you that JM started his live at 8:54 pm KST. JM has been in SK for months and you would think his watch would be set to KST, no?

Screen shot at 8:24 min.

Screenshot of watch at 32:56 min. mark.

Deduct the live time stamp at every one of those given moments from the time on the watch and you will go back to 3:23/4.

Why, you may ask, am I making such a big deal about this?

Well, my dear friends, this is why:

JK's time of birth tattoo, just to remind you.

JK's time of birth being 3:23-24.

Did JM set his watch to start the live at 3:23-24? JK's birth time?

Wait, but that's not the end of it.

Because JM's watch is also of significance.

Launched in 1997.

What in the effing hell?

Like, if you have another explanation please do explain!!!

Watch not working? Nope, it is, time counting as the live goes on, all from the 3:23 mark.

Coincidence? Again? That his watch happens to be set at JK's birth time, and it also, by chance, being one launched same year JK was born? JK, who's birthday happens to be on that specific day? The person who JM tells us to wish happy birthday and that it's a "wonderful day"?

Please don't continue to say this is all a coincidence. Setting your watch to a time that happens to be JK's birth time, something we have been told in the past, something that JK tattooed on his own body, hence being of significance to him, and most obviously of significance to JM as well.

JM and JK might not be saying the words out loud, but shit, they sure are being as loud as hell about what they are to each other!!!

Ok, so I mentioned in passing JK's live. His almost 9 minute live. His totally out of character shorter than short live, even more so when we are talking about a birthday live. No cake. No candles. No playlist (he told us this was just the music that he left on when he left earlier and it's still playing). No patience, lol. He came, he said hi, he told us he was out with friends he was practicing with (wonder if the reason he came live is to explain who with and why he was out and about...), said he's suffering from insomnia and he has to sleep. Did a card trick...MAGIC... Lol, and ducked. Like even his goodbye was super super short. Now, you could say he had a tight schedule, which he does, and that he has to sleep, which he does. But JK was definitley not on his way to bed when he was doing that live, nor shortly after. He was happy and super hyped, and in NO WAY shape or form about to go to bed at that point.

We need to remember that when they say they have a schedule, it's not a 9 to 5 job. Many a times their days start at noon and later and they keep on working into the early hours of the morning. That is the nature of their work. So having a tight schedule doesn't necessarily mean he has to be up at 7 or 8 am and off to the company or wherever he needs to be in the morning.

You could claim he was excited because it was his birthday, and perhaps you would be right. But if it was the end of his night, then excited what for? Bed? Where he struggles to fall asleep? Nah, I don't think so.

So yeah, I think you know where I'm going with this.

Only that this time we didn't get a photo because there was no one around to buffer.

2019 JM flies back to Seoul to celebrate JK's birthday with him. 2020 JM was with JK on his birthday eve. 2021 we don't know, they didn't tell us, we got a selfie the next day in the safety of the company - not the two together alone at JK's or JM's. 2022 JM was also with JK on his birthday eve. We got to see and hear about it just after JK's birthday, and we had Jhope there as a buffer. Why buffer? So that god forbid they aren't spending his birthday eve alone at his place, especially if it's happening year after year after year, cause you know, people would say it means nothing but at the same time it means everything.

I'm going to say it out loud, and shoot me (not literally) if you wish, but this is a hill I am willing to die on. JK wrote his birthday message and very possibly was not planning to go live that night. Perhaps he did come live because of the photos that came out of him with the fans and the info about him being out and about that night. But for whatever reason JK did go live that night it was always going to be short and sweet. And I do believe that is because he had something else planned which is not going to sleep.

I do believe whatever he had planned was with JM. Period. That's what JK was anticipating, that's what he was excited and happy for, that's why he came for a couple of secs and jolted off.

And for those that are already running to the comments screaming "but JM said he only spoke with JK the day before his birthday to wish him happy birthday" I say: hold your horses, I will most definitley get to it and explain to y'all exactly how JM did not say that by no means. Take a breath, be patient, read on, you'll see why JM said no such thing.

The two of the men having the live the same day.

It kind of felt weird that of all days JM goes live on JK's birthday. Well, maybe weird isn't the right word, but curious is more fitting.

JM wanted to come live for some time now. He says that. But then why, of all days, choose this one?

JM himself tells us he wasn't planning to go live from home that day (while on his way to fetch the mood lamp to show us).

Both lives feel unplanned, rushed and unprepared. There. I said it.

Did either of them even plan to do these lives? Or, perhaps they were a consequence of circumstances? JK wanting to clarify his outing (knowing how this fandom rolls). And JM... why JM? Well, maybe there was actually a birthday live planned? Could that be? One at the company? Us finally getting a Jikook live? Or even just a proper JK live at the company with a cake and all? But JK's schedule ran later than expected maybe? Hence one boyfie coming to the rescue and going live in his stead?

All of the above is questions, queries, possible explanations as to why JM decided to go live from home on JK's birthday, even though he himself tells us this was not the plan. I don't have the answer to these questions, but it definitley does have me wondering.

Will continue this discussion with regards to JM later on in my post.

Let's get to talking about JM's live. Starting by his opening pic.

I have to tell you that first thought I had when seeing the photo was "is that JK?". The frame wasn't right, but the outfit most definitely was, lol.

And guess what?

He's wearing pants for the boys new favourite brand. I guess JM's the one wearing the pants in the house, lol. But then, are they his? They do seem a little on the bigger size.

So, first 17 minutes or so to the live JM talks a bit about not coming live for a while and how he wanted and yet didn't because he's been going through a bit of a personal journey. Not doing well enough in his March promotions, in his mind, had him frustrated and unhappy with himself. Him wanting to restart rather than fix what he feels might be lacking. Kind of resetting himself per say as an artist? In any case he's been doing a lot of introspection. I guess I've mentioned that already, lol. The feeling I got from what he was telling us is that he himself didn't know how to explain what he wanted to tell us. His words not thoroughly thought out, perhaps another sign as to him going live unprepared and before properly thinking out what he wanted to tell us.

JM talks about being at the Dior event. Being nervous and awkward. Also wanting to thank fans that came to see him.

JM is asked multiple times about his hands. Oh my, those hands.

And when I say multiple times, I mean MULTIPLE times, lol. And JM keeps reading those comments and keeps answering again and again and again that it's a scrape from him working out, doesn't hurt, not to worry. At one point, after he is talking about JK's birthday, telling us it's a wonderful day, lovely smile on his face, and asked yet again, he 'bites back' (if you can call if bite back, lol), telling the commenter to look for it later (as in go watch the live from the start when it's over and they will find out).

Is this the right time to discuss JM talking about JK's birthday?

I think it is.

At around the 18 minute stamp time this goes down:

He says Jungkookie, btw.

From the moment he said JK is very busy (he looks at the camera) and up to this point, when he talks about JK's health, not once does JM look at the camera. His eyes were all over the place. And that includes not looking at the camera when he said "I talked to him on the telephone yesterday too".

Remember this?

@dgtn brought this to my attention. JM's eye movement in this part of the live reminds of his eye movement while thinking just before he goes for the kill with JK and the "did you answer them".

Here's JM talking about Jungkookie's birthday. Look at his eyes.

(But that smile at the end...)

JM was definitely deep in thought as to what to say, how to word what he wanted to say for JK's birthday.

Several things to note.

Where to start?

I guess I'll start from the obvious.

People jumping on the wagon: "JM didn't see JK on his birthday. He said so. He said he talked to him yesterday...(to wish him happy birthday?)".

Me, I'm calling the bull.

And I will explain it to you too (foreshadowing).

JM, as usual, is very precise how he words what he wants to say.

His words in this instance:

He mentions JK's birthday today, tells us he's very busy and then says "I talked to him on the phone yesterday too..." and back to "he's really busy..."

"I talked to him on the phone yesterday too..."

Let's take this apart, why don't we?

JM spoke with JK on the phone.

The conversation happened yesterday.

What did they talk about? He doesn't tell us. But mentioning JK being busy before he talks about the phone call and after he talks about the phone call. It feels like this is what he is telling us they spoke about.

So far so good, right?

And then we have two words/things said/or not said that are EVERYTHING here.

One word that he says, the other something that is not said and, at least to me, is super loud and super important and was omitted purposefully.

First word is "too".

I talked to him yesterday too...

TOO.

Leaving the context of the sentence open to interpretation.

Could be any of these:

I talked to him yesterday too just like I speak to him every day?

I talked to him yesterday too because I spoke to him today as well?

I talked to him yesterday too because I was also seeing him later on as well to celebrate his birthday with him?

As for what was missing, well to me it was quite obvious.

JM does not tell us that he wished JK happy birthday.

There was no "I talked to him yesterday too and wished him happy birthday".

JM makes sure to tell us he spoke with JK yesterday (which is not on JK's birthday). Makes sure to add the TOO, but forgets to say that's also when he wished him happy birthday? I think not.

JM is super measured. He is so very careful in what he says and how he says it, especially when it comes to JK. This man not saying it means the words were added or omitted on purpose. And not telling us he wished JK happy birthday in that phone call, well, makes it clear that the phone call in question was definitley not the end of it. Because there is no way in hell that JM would not wish JK happy birthday personally (not via an IG post that JK wouldn't see anyway not being on IG).

Since when would JM not wish JK happy birthday? The man is telling us to wish JK happy birthday, telling us it's a wonderful day, setting his watch to JK's birth time. The man that flew back from Paris to be with JK on his birthday. And also let us know he did it. He wouldn't have wished JK happy birthday himself? And this man wouldn't tell us so either?

Nah. This is JM telling us he spoke with JK, something he does all the time, and that the conversation he's talking about has nothing to do with JK's birthday.

And yeah, by omitting that he's also letting us know that he had another opportunity, one he isn't letting us in on, in which he got to wish JK happy birthday.

PERIOD!

JM talking about JK looking after his health. The way those two worry about each other.

Did I mention the pause as JM finishes talking about JK? It being a wonderful day? The smile on his face?

Oh, and JK mentions JK's birthday once more at the end of the live as well when summing up the live.

Thank you JM for reminding us once more it's JK's birthday and that it was one of those things in your live worth mentioning in your own recap of the live.

Now, I know that there are idiots that are dragging Mingyu for saying he met JK yesterday (on his birthday) and ate with him.

Well, dragging Mingyu on the one hand for what? Saying he met up with his friend on his birthday? That by doing so he was dissing JM? And others, on the other hand, using this, very stupidly, to prove that a busy JK would rather meet up with Mingyu than with JM.

Are we forgetting what JM told us? Well, JK too? That JK is super busy? Most likely in the Hybe building. You know, where Mingyu also comes to work, being in Seventeen, another Hybe band. Could they have met up at Hybe? Of course they could have. Could they even maybe have met up for a meal break at Hybe? Of course they could have. Mingyu was doing the live in a company car, probably on his way home from work looking super tired. So yeah. Chances are that they met at Hybe.

And as for JM, well, you already know where I stand on that one.

JM and JK most definitely saw each other on JK's birthday. Most likely right after JK's live.

Ok, this one is getting a little too long. So I think I'll leave you all here at the moment, let it all sink in, and come back with a part 2 that will include our little house tour and a few more interesting points - well for me at least, lol.

To be continued...

#Jimin #JM #JM live #JM Weverse live #Jungkook #JK #JK birthday #JK birthday 2023 #Jikook #Kookmin #Minkook

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angelforstyles · 9 months ago

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Lonely (together) Chapter Two

Harry’s POV

I wake up at 5 am, and I couldn’t go to sleep again so i go downstairs to the gym. I finished almost 7 o’clock. I feed my cat Grey (she’s black) then I ate breakfast and shower before I went to work. Usually I work from eight until five sometimes six pm. I took the elevator to my office, my assistant gave me my schedule and we got through the meetings and dinners i needed to go to this week. I can handle everything at my company, the difficult clients, the precautions, the pressure, but I still hate those fucking dinners with fake faces.

I went out of my office at 6. I have nothing to do for the rest of the night. So i pull my car to her apartment and get out of my car. Since she’s the only one who lives in the building, that means the lights belong to her apartment. I couldn’t know what room this is but there’s a shadow moving inside. I keep watching until the lights turn off.

I stayed a bit longer, then got to my place. I keep reading the files over and over again. I searched about all her family members, her parents have no relatives nor does she. I made for myself food and turned on the TV and watched a movie. It’s 11 pm so I went to bed I rarely go out especially since I gave up on dating. Everyone is so boring and only go out with me for my money. For now the only creatures I care about are Grey and Angel. I slept until 6 am and woke up and did it all over again.

I go near her work building around 3 pm act busy while I look around. She passed right away and went to the grocery store. I go right behind her and grab random things. “Hi, what a coincidence” am i fucking nervous? Shit. “Oh” she smiles softly. “Where do you live? We must live so close to each other” we actually do, it just 10 minutes walking. “Near” she mumbled and turned to face me I almost lost it. She wore long pants, the pants so tight on thighs, tempting to bite. The same white shoes and pink crop top so low, I looked at her breasts line and between them a red rose necklace. Fuck me. And an oversize unbuttoned white shirt. “Going to work?” There is no way I am serious. “Hmm” she sook her head no. She looked up at me with her wide blue eyes, they were a bit watery and so tired. She bit her lip and turned around and walked away. When we got out I called her “Lillian” she looked at me she’s an Angel. “can I have your number?”, she walked away without looking back. I wanna die.

Lillian’s POV

My heart throbs so hard while I’m walking (running) to my apartment, when I saw him I couldn’t breathe. I don’t know what’s getting into me. But I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

Two days later I have a day off so there I am, setting in the coffee shop and reading. I don’t like to go outside but i needed to. Besides this place is not crowded at all. There’s barely three people.

I was so busy reading that I didn’t notice that someone was standing next to me until he said “Is this chair taken?” Green eyes looked down at me with so perfect curls around that beautiful face, so pink lips, and so cute nose. Old band shirt, tattooed arms, a cross necklace, and fingers full of rings, will be okay if I sketch his hands and lips? STOP! .

I shook my head no. He set. I feel my heart beating so fast in my chest. “Reading huh” he smile at me and god. He’s so gorgeous. “What are you reading?” I flip my book and show him. “Never Let Me Go, about what?” I can’t breathe, I can’t talk. “Um.. ahh- a.. just start it” “ you know I watched the movie, it was amazing i am sure you will like it” then why you asking me?.

movies? I hate movies. I watched a couple back then when the girls did movie night, and I never liked it. I hate watching TV, the only thing I watch is Barney and the last time I watched it when I moved to my apartment and was too scared so I rewatched. Comforts me.

“Will see” i mumble, “what’s your favourite movie?” He moved his chair closer to the table and put his cup on the table, black coffee, like mine. “I don’t have one”, “no way everybody has favourite movie” I smiled, i couldn’t think of anything to say.

“Okay what’s your favourite book?”, yes i can answer that. “There is a lot of, but now I think The Course of Love” looked at my lap “that’s a good book! I read it twice” he said and his smile got bigger. We sit for a couple minutes in silence. “What’s you do for work?”, “write short articles..you?” “Where can i read them?” He asked, where? No where. “Um.. they never been published” I said and my heart sank. “Why?” He looked at me expressionlessly. “I'm a beginner, and there are better writers than me who just want me for my ideas and they pay me well”. He said nothing. “You?” I said after a few seconds without looking up. “Me.. I work at a security company” wow he must feel safe all the time and— “let go out sometimes” he asked me to go on date with him or w— “you know as friends do?” Oh.. of course he doesn’t want to date me who wants? “Um sure” “give me your number” I put my number on his phone with trembling hands, please god don’t let him notice. He said See you soon and go out then I took a breath I didn't know I was holding it back.

A week passed and Harry still didn't text me, I was starting to think he didn't want to hang out with me (not that I really want to hang out with a stranger I didn't know anything about or that I'm waiting for him) but he asked for my number! It had to be something right?

It was Saturday and the girls wanted to go out for drinks, I had gotten home from work and hadn't slept so l was feeling a little dizzy. I made myself a sandwich and a fruit smoothie then i drank coffee because I looked like a zombie.

I took a shower and dried my hair but kept my curls then did my make up, deep sharp black cat eyeliner with warm soft eyeshadow, concealer and a light blush, it was going to be a bit hot and my cheeks will turn red so..

I put on some lip gloss I didn't want to wear lipstick because my eyes make up was too much.

I put on a black skirt that went up to the middle of my thighs, with a dark red silk top, I put on red high heels (I'll regret the pain tomorrow) and my red bag. I was wearing my usual necklace and small pink earrings and two rings.

llooked at myself in the mirror one last time. I won't drink but I definitely need to glow a little because my energy has been so low lately.

It was only 6pm but the girls wanted to get out early. I walked to the bar, it was about 15 minutes away. When I walked in it was very warm and loud even though it wasn't very crowded.

I spotted the girls and there were the four guys too. I slowly walked over to them until Joll saw me. "Oh my god you look amazing." She hugged me tightly, a faint smell of alcohol coming from her. The rest of the girls hugged me and then I went with Ami and her boyfriend to the bar to get them more drinks.

I ordered a Sprite with lemon. I'm not a big fan of soda but it made me feel a little better since I don't drink. I sit in the edge of the booth and there was a conversation going on around the table. After about half an hour the girls were almost drunk. I got up and went to the bathroom. I needed to be in quiet place for a moment.

I walked out of the bathroom and on my way out the hallway, a man grabbed my wrist. "You look beautiful" Panic rose inside me and I pulled my hand away and tried to walk but he blocked my way. "Please step away" "There's no chance I'm leaving this beauty" | tried to walk past him but he wouldn't move away until I felt tears about to fall. Only seconds later I heard Meiie's voice "Are you okay?" Her boyfriend behind her looked at me for a second then his hand flew to grab the man's neck

"Did you know how stupid you have to be to bother a woman?"

I moved away until I was behind Meiie then she whispered in my ear "Did he hurt you?" | shook my head no. Then we went to the table again. I tried to recover but my hands were still shaking and I felt the edge of a panic attack but I tried to distract myself.

A few minutes later my phone vibrated under my hand. I lifted it to see and then stopped breathing, distraction itself came into my hands.

Unknown number: Hi.

Unknown number: it's Harry.

Harry: How are you?.

Oh. my. god. My heart is beating so hard in my chest

Me: Hi Harry, I'm fine. How are you?

Harry: Good.

Harry: Are you up for dinner? It's been a busy week, and I'm only free for today.

Harry: If you're not free, that's fine we can find another time.

Oh god what should i say?

Me: I'm out with my friends but we're going out soon.

It was about 7 and the day didn't end yet, but i wanna go home too.

Harry: So you can have dinner with me?.

With me

Me: I think so

30 seconds ..

Harry: Do you want me to pick you up?.

Me: where is the place?

Harry: Location.

Me: It's close to me, i will walk, Thanks though <3

Harry: Good.

I said goodbye to the girls and then left, nervous and adrenaline pounding my body. My heart was beating like crazy and I felt like I was going to die. The panic of the man who had cornered me had gone away but my stomach pain was growing with tension. I looked too much good for dinner with someone who was like a "friend".

I walked for ten minutes until I reached a restaurant. It was a small but fancy restaurant in the corner. I walked in without looking around and headed straight to the bathroom. I closed the door and took a few deep breaths, I looked in the mirror and I was like— I didn't even know what to say about myself.

My skirt was really short, how did I get out of the house in it? I tried to lower it a little and pull my top down a little to cover my stomach, but either my thighs would come out a lot or my stomach or my breasts. For once I regretted not bringing a jacket. I adjusted my makeup a little and tried to reduce it, but the eyeliner was the problem. I didn't wipe it off because it was going to be a mess. I took a deep breath and left. I looked around and saw Harry's back in the corner to the right facing the door. Did he saw me when I walked into the restaurant?

I quietly walked to a table. "Hi" I said in a low voice. I wasn't sure if he heard me. He got up from his seat. "Hi, Lillian." He's wearing a black suit with half unbuttoned shirt, his tattoos almost visible, and the cross silver necklace on his chest, his hair a bit greasy but his curly sit on his shoulders perfectly. And his shiny rings tempt me to play with them, but i look at the table and sat next to him, not facing him. My back to the rest

of the restaurant. I don't know why, but I felt a bit comfortable with my slightly exposed skin now. One person staring at my skin was better than an entire restaurant. I need to pay more attention to what I wear next time.

"I didn't make you leave your friends behind, Right?" | wanted to get out of there anyway. "No" | smiled.

The server came to take our drinks orders. Harry ordered a red wine and looked at me, and I lowered my gaze to the table.

"Water, please," | said, holding out the napkins on the table.

The server walked away and Harry said, "Are you sure? They have great wine, or would you like champagne?" I shook my head. "Thanks," | mumbled. "Where did you and your friends go?"

"Um.. bar" I said quietly, "hm you don't look drunk" I looked at him "I don't drink" The server interrupted us with the drinks and menu.

"How's work?" he asked. "Good, you?" "Today was slow but I got a lot of stuff done so that counts as an accomplishment." | nodded.

"When are your days off?" | sipped my water. "Every Sunday." | said

"One day?" I nodded. "Did you know that's against the terms of any job?" "I signed off on a one-day. No compulsion." I felt the heat run through my entire body from his deep, calm voice, from the prices of the food, from my exposed skin to him, and from the fact that we were talking as if we had known each other for a long time, and also because I was with a person for dinner whom I had only met three times in passing on the street and once in a coffee shop.

There was a good chance he was dangerous, stop it

I didn't feel hungry after flipping through the menu at least three times. There was a caesar salad and pasta.

I had to choose one of the two dishes because it was very expensive and I couldn't afford it, the cost of one dish is the same as what l literally spend on the grocery store for a whole month.

"Are you done?" Harry asked and I nodded. He raised his hand to the server to came over. "What would you like?" Harry said softly. I pointed to the pasta on the menu without taking my eyes off it.

"Caesar salad, chicken salad, two medium steak, two mushroom soup, alfredo pasta, shrimp pasta and margherita" he said to the server.

My eyes were wide open, I couldn't believe it, the restaurant was so expensive. The waiter left and I said to Harry, "Are you sure? You ordered a lot" "You should try it, it's delicious, in fact one of the best." "But I can't afford it." I whispered to him, his eyes narrowed a little and his brows furrowed. "We'll see." He said dryly

We sat in silence for a few minutes, "Did you know that this restaurant has been around for over sixty years?" I looked up to meet his, smiling slightly. "Wow." I smiled to him.

"Did you graduate from college?" I nodded "This summer",

"What was your major?", "English Literature and Translation"

"Interesting. why did you choose it?", "I like reading." Silence again.

"What did you major in?"

"Business."

"How old are you?" he asked after a few seconds of silence.

"Twenty one" My cheeks flushed and I hoped they didn't turn red. "You?" "Twenty seven"

What. the. hell!!!! He's old!

llooked at him for a few seconds, a smile on his face that I hoped would be etched in my memory. My stomach was filled with a strange feeling, and the weather so hot I might pass out.

Then the food arrived in a few seconds.

I came back to reality and realized how much food there was.

I hadn't reached out to eat yet because Harry kept putting some of everything on my plate and on his plate too. Until he was done and then he said, "You okay?" My cheeks burned again, a shiver ran down my toes and I felt heat all over my body, no one has ever put food out like that for me before.

Harry's POV

She was wearing a tight top I could see the edges of her bra.

Her thighs were so full and I feel my pants tingling. She was trembling a little as she played with her necklace and bit her lip from time to time. The food arrived and I put some of everything for her and for me.

We started eating but she was eating so slowly that for a moment I thought she didn't want to eat. But then I remembered when she mentioned it was expensive. "I have an idea" I said and she jumped "Hmm?" Her eyes a little watery

"Dinner is on me this time, next time we can share" she smiled

"please no, we can share, it's okay", "yes next time" I said harshly and her face was a little sad but then she nodded. I immediately regretted the way my words came out.

She started eating a little more and I couldn't help but smile

until my cheeks hurt. We ate in silence, commenting every few minutes about how good the food. She didn't eat much but she tasted everything.

"They have a really nice dessert let's try it"

"Thank you but i can't I'm really full" she said playing with a strand of her hair.

My cock twitched again. "Let me take you home" my voice so low.

She looked at me with sleepy eyes and her shoulders slightly lowered, making her breast line deeper, I looked at her and raised my eyebrows when she opened her mouth to speak

“ca- um.. yes please," she whispered.

I paid and we walked to my car. Her eyes looked up as I opened my car door for her. "Is this your car?" She asked slowly "Do you like it?" Her pupils dilated until half of the blue in her eyes was gone. She looked at me for a few seconds and then got in, her skirt rising even higher. My cock was getting hard, I tried to control myself but when I got to my seat, we were so close and quiet, I could hear her breathing and see her breasts rise as she breathed. Her thighs were pressed together and a lot of skin was showing.

The car started and I looked at her face, sweat were forming on the bridge of her nose and above her lips, her forehead was covered by her bangs but I could see some hairs damp from the sweat.

"Where is your house?" "Um, uh, I- close?" | laughed softly "Location?" She flipped open her phone and sent me the location, I looked at it even though I knew the way by heart from the many times I stood outside all night and morning watching her apartment.

"Do you want a specific song?" She shook her head no. I turned on the radio, the volume very low that I still can hear her slightly ragged breathing. Her apartment was about 17 minutes away. I drove very slowly, I didn't want us to arrive too fast.

The silence was so comfortable despite the tense air.

"Um, thanks for dinner, you really didn't have to pay" she said quietly, a tremor in her voice. We stopped at a red light and I looked at her, her cheeks flushed even with the red light on her I could still see her cheeks burning. "It's okay," we looked at each other for a moment.

"Can I ask you a question?" she whispered. "Anything." "I know nothing about cars, but I know this one costs a fortune. How?" I laughed. "I don't give free business advice. But l've worked hard since college. So it should make sense"

She pressed her thighs together again, her fingers trembling as she gripped he bag, her eyes on the window as the light turned green. A few minutes passed and then she spoke. She said quietly and slowly "I want to quit." We stopped at another red light "I've saved up enough money to last me ten months" she took a deep shaky breath "but I don't know if I'll find a job easily in that time. I don't know why I'm telling you, but I don't know what else to do, and you seem to know the right thing to do" she said in a low voice and her knuckles turned white. The light turned green.

"I think you should take unpaid vacation if your work allows it. If not, you could quit for five months at least and then look for a job." We stopped at the door of her building.

We sat in silence for a full minute, until she unbuckled her seatbelt and turned to me, "Thank you, good night" she whispered quietly, not looking me in the eyes.

She got out of the car and walked to the door, her hips moving seductively, even though she was walking tiredly in her high heels. She put the code on the door and entered, closing it behind her.

I returned to the house and opened the door, Grey walked between my legs. I got down to pat her a little bit. "Hey, have you been alone all day? Hm?" I left her and went upstairs to my room, I went to take a shower, my cock was hard as a rock, and the guilt washing over me because it's hard for her, the water washing me until my hand tightened on the rock between my legs. An inhuman sound came out of me as I fucked my hand.

The image of her lips, legs, thighs. I shouldn't think of her this way, but she has been living freely in my mind for over a month, it's unfair, she should be mine. Release and pleasure wash me over until my breathing returns to normal. I finished taking a shower and put on underwear. I went downstairs to get water. It's 11pm so I went to sleep but she's still in my mind.

I stayed up until 2am. Throughout my career I didn't change a single thing about my routine. I woke up at 6am, worked out, showered, breakfast, went to work at 8am sharp. I worked 10 hours, slept at 11pm for 8 hours. In one month I broke all the rules of my day. I stayed up more than 24 hours, I missed half the work day. Not only that, I stayed up all night, leaving work early to see her walking to her apartment. I was really starting to lose my mind.

Please tell me what you think :3

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la-principessa-nuova · 9 months ago

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I’m definitely on a sort of downward spiral of distractibility and sleep schedule.

My official plan is to sleep 12am-8am and work 9am-5pm.

I was doing so well last year, typically falling asleep somewhere between 11 and 1, and waking up naturally somewhere between 7 and 8.

Then in early December, I had the moment where I understood my gender dysphoria and that I needed to transition, and that night I stayed up until 4 am reading about gender dysphoria and then until 5 am taking notes about it and buying stuff to try out presenting femme.

I never fully recovered from that night.

Eventually, around the time I started therapy, I mostly solved the issue (not because the therapy helped me with it, but more like being in a better place helped me get through finding a therapist finally). I was going to bed like 1-3 am, waking up 8:30-9 on weekdays, 8:30-11 on weekends.

Then I came out to my mom and sister, and there were a few nights after that where they unexpectedly came over with a barrage of questions and “concerns” and every time I’d planned on doing something else and so when they left I just continued on as if they hadn’t been there and stayed up late.

But then I got in the habit again of staying up until after 3am, with most nights not being in bed until 4am and so many nights that i’m up past 5am.

so then i sleep through my 8am alarm and usually wake up to my 9am one, check my email and teams on my phone, and if there’s nothing important, i go back to sleep.

So like right now it’s 12:15pm, and I haven’t gotten out bed to start working yet, aside from a few emails I read and archived in bed. Luckily the nature of my job doesn’t require me to do it on a schedule, aside from if i have meetings or someone asks me something, so I’ve been able to work around it mostly, except the part where I’m soooi tired all the time bc even with sleeping in, i’m only getting like 4-6 hours per night.

And I have an interview today for a job that would require me to get out of bed every morning and be on a call at 9 AM, and I kind of can’t imagine that even though I did it for years with no problem.

But I just keep getting so distracted. Like last night I went upstairs at like 11ish PM. I went up because I had an idea for a comic that I wanted to make, that I’d gotten distracted when I tried to make it earlier, and I sat down thinking I’ll do a quick doodle of it to get the idea out, maybe finish it, and be in bed by 1 AM. Then I got more distracted and ended up not staring drawing until almost 1 AM.

But it’s OK, I told myself, I’ll just doodle the concept really quickly and go to bed. Then I got hyper-focused on drawing, and suddenly it was, no joke, after 5 AM.

When I saw how late it was, I immediately went to bed. But by the time I fell asleep it was after 5:30.

But, like, the less I sleep the easier I get distracted and hyperfocus on the wrong things, and the more I do that, the less I sleep. It’s a vicious cycle.

I have some ideas to try to get myself back on track, but PDA makes it a real struggle to stick to plans that are ultimately about getting me to stop doing what I want and yield my time, since as soon as I go to sleep, my time is over and the next thing I have to do is work again.

#adhd #autism #audhd #pda autism #transgender #trans #pda profile #neurodivergence #neurodivergent #adult adhd

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novel-nook-blog · 10 months ago

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Camp NaNo – week 1

Monday (7/1):

It's 9:30 pm and I finally opened my laptop. Uff, what a long day. Ngl, I'm exhausted. I woke up at 5:30 am to get ready for work. I left at almost 4 pm. Then there was a problem with my car (stressing af) and I had about 20 minutes to get to a meeting in another town so... very nice. The meeting was 'till 6 pm and around 6:30 pm I was finally home. Now let's get to writing.

It's 10 pm and I'm falling asleep as I write so it's time to put my laptop down and get some rest before my work, tomorrow. I haven't written much, but I didn't want to start with a 0 tomorrow.

Wordcount: 326

Tuesday (7/2):

It's 17:40 and I'm opening my second draft. I'm so hyped even though I just got home 😂... maybe I'm even overhyped because an hour ago I had a veeeery strong coffee and I mean wow, it just kicked in and I'm overflown with energy. So my writing is either going to be very good or very bad, we'll see.

On my schedule is: finish chapter 1 (I started it yesterday); start reading The Throne of Glass. I read that book a lot of times already, but it has similar writing style as I'm using in this book and I found out I'm repeating the same words again and again, so I want to use this reread for the benefit of my vocabulary (plus I want to reread the whole series this summer, although I wanted to finish reading Iron Flame first... so complicated, right?)

My plans for the day have escalated quite differently. We had a game night so after about 200 words I stopped writing for several hours and just before I head to bed I wrote up to 752 words. It's still not much, but I can't focus anymore. We'll se how tomorrow's going to be. I was planning to write all day, but I found out we're going to the ZOO. I'm very excited for our little trip, but at the same time I have no idea how the heck I'm going to get the wordcount I need. This challenge is going to be fun.

Wordcount: 752

Wednesday (7/3):

It's 10 pm and I just opened my laptop. This day could be divided into two parts – the awesomest one and the worst stressful nightmare. Me, my mom and my sister went to the trip to the zoo. It was a wonderful day. But after that there was a family matter that we had to solve so I didn't have time for writing...

Wordcount: 0

Today it's Tuesday, 9th of July... I'm so sorry for my delayed post but the thing is I am sick. I have the stomach flu since Saturday, but have been feeling so off most of the week so the last time I've written anything was on Friday and it wasn't much. Hopefully I'm going to be back on track soon but now I'm feeling so bad that the only thing I do is sleep and watch TV.

Also on Thursday I had an 11 hour long shift at work so very tiring day. On Friday my friend had a birthday party so I was with her all day and when I got back I started feeling sick but I didn't think it was something to worry about. On Saturday me and my dad went to visit my aunt and when we got back the stomach flu started in all it's power and hadn't left since.

I'm not sure how I'll get 45k words in my draft by the end of July but now health is my priority. So I'm going to get back when I'm feeling better.

#blog #writeblr #writer #writers on tumblr #writerscommunity #creative writing #writers and poets #novel writing #writer stuff #camp nano 2024 #camp nanowrimo #camp nano july 2024 #nanowrimo #wip #writing #writing update

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blindrapture · 10 months ago

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MONDAY JULY 4TH, 2011 (Rael's Exodus VI: Wishful Thinking)

9:12 AM I dreamt of leaving a beach. Donnie’s still sleeping. She looks adorable. :3 ..in a.. badass kinda way! .w.;;

9:31 AM Now she’s awake. Hi there! :D

9:59 AM We’re gonna go up to the bridge and see how Richard’s doing.

10:20 AM I heard no footsteps other than our own this time. I’m glad. c:

10:23 AM Richard looks pretty tired. But he wants to keep going. He says we’re almost there. A couple more hours, in fact. This’ll be my first time in America in.. eleven months. It’s a rather alien feeling.

10:49 AM ..holy fuck, I am hungry. x_x When was the last time we ate? We’re going to the dining room place. There might be some food left over. We said we’d bring some back for Richard.

11:03 AM There’s still some pies left. Pork pies, cornishes, and.. huh, a lot of tinned beans. Donnie can have the beans. I insist. >w> ..god, I’m weird.

11:18 AM We brought the food back to the bridge. Richard took some cornishes and some tinned beans. I’m having pork pies and sausages. Donnie wanted some of everything. Fine by us! :3

12:22 PM The sea’s been so calm. I guess EAT does want us passing.

12:48 PM Richard advises that we go get whatever things we have and be ready to go. According to his best guess, we’ll be arriving in the next half-hour.

1:04 PM Okay, got my folder of CDs, got Tiger Stripes, got a bag I’ll fill with whatever’s left in the kitchen, got my outfit. Donnie’s got her frying pan and a second bag for food, plus some books she’s found lying around. I spy Tolstoy. ..and her outfit, of course. She’s not naked. >_>

1:17 PM Ooh, plenty of food here to grab.

1:26 PM ..Yates’ room! Hello, prog CDs.

1:29 PM Yes, I did just snatch whatever ones I didn’t have. Shut up.

1:41 PM Huh, Richard’s quiet. …you’ve gotta be kidding me.

1:42 PM Goddammit. Another suicide. Why, Richard? Why? We were nearly out. >_< We were nearly out!

1:45 PM ..oh my god, I get it. We actually.. well… gah. Richard killed himself because we reached America. I can see land up there. But I can also see something else up there. Fields of zombies. As in, the land is absolutely covered in zombies. And these are all moving individually. They’re either Indisen or the normal zombies. If there’s a difference. A lot of them are watching our boat, very angry and hungry. Tiger Stripes, please give us some strength. Please give us a lot of strength. This is gonna be carnage. And how are we even gonna get over there? I don’t want to risk swimming. I might ruin this journal, for starters.

1:48 PM Donnie’s trying to get the boat moving.

1:50 PM She’s got it! Goddamn, I love that girl. >w<

2:07 PM ..we have officially reached America. Heading to exit the Exodus now.

2:15 PM Goodbye, R.M.S. Exodus. You did your last job very well for Queen and country. ..I see a sign nearby. We’re in Atlantic City, New Jersey. And the zombies are everywhere. Well, Tiger Stripes, old pal… it’s time to get back to work.

2:17 PM EAT THIS EAT THAT EAT SOME OF THIS EAT A LITTLE BIT OF THAT

3:53 PM THERE’S NO END My arms are aching. The zombies just keep on coming. Donnie’s still going on. What a trooper. If she can soldier on, I can, too.

4:17 PM We found a shop not filled with zombies. We’ve barricaded the door for now. We just need to rest.

4:53 PM Donnie’s ready. I guess I am too. There’s a map of the town here. We’ve planned out our course. We’re just gonna get out of the city, and find some place not filled with zombies. Then we’re gonna figure out where to go next.

4:59 PM Okay. Out into the chaos.

5:39 PM EVERY DIRECTION IS FILLED WITH THE UNDEAD IT’S LIKE ATLANTA ALL OVER AGAIN

7:49 PM We’re approaching the outskirts of the city. The zombies keep coming, though!

8:32 PM Oh god, finally, they’re all gone. We’re just gonna rest. Here. On the grass. Pain in my limbs. x__x

8:40 PM I hear thunder.

8:41 PM Oh my god, that is not thunder, that is the thunderous footsteps of a large mob of motherfucking zombies in all directions. Getting up now. Tiger Stripes, we just don’t get a break.

8:50 PM HERE COMES THE STORM TIME TO RIDE THE LIGHTNING, DICKWADS!

9:02 PM They keep coming. And coming. And coming. Oh my god. Blood raining from the sky after Tiger Stripes smacks each one.

9:22 PM ..holy fuck. It’s the gas mask guy! The what was it THE GRIM REAPER!Up there in the sky! Death! "Rise, my huddled masses! Wretched refuse of this teeming shore! Be thou my tempest! Toss these exiles to their golden door!" what door what is he talking about Donnie says it's a metaphor we're uh we're aching already and he's summoning more

9:24 PM We've ducked into a building, this was once a restaurant We don't have long before they realize where we went Just hide in the kitchen, catch our breath

9:25 PM Wait. Hang on. "What?" This kitchen is familiar. Where have I seen this before? Rows of counters, and a giant.. oven… donnie's looking closer "it says B-4000k…" Is this just... a coincidence? "It has to be. This was in Blackpool. This was where we…"

9:26 PM I walked back out the way we came in and found a completely different place. Donnie, come here. she's bewildered "A post office? This was a restaurant. We absolutely ran into a restaurant." So. So this is rabbit hole shit. now she's annoyed "Oh. No, of course it is." But is this how rabbit holes work? Looking like.. actual places we know were in the real world? "They're magical portals, Jordan. They can work however they want." But there's, like.. a logic… "Look out there! We're still in Atlantic City, but a different part of it. The zombies will all still be gathered near that restaurant, and obviously we're nowhere near them now. If we're careful, we might be okay." Well. Shall we look for a different building? A place to sleep, and a place not so close to this, um. Portal?

10:42 PM We found what used to be a hotel. Some of the doors were knocked off the hinges, so we got into a room, and we found a bed that isn't such a mess. It's quiet outside, with no sign of zombies. Not even if we poke our heads out the window and listen really close to the distance. I think we made it. I think we actually made it.We’re actually in America. .w. That was one hell of a voyage, for sure. …not to mention, one hell of a welcome party. >_> EAT said the Fears were watching out for us, that they want to get a look at us now that the Harlequin’s gone. ‘Cause we’re X factors. Looks like Gas Masky is another one of the Fears. Looks like he controls the zombies. And it looks like he’s focusing his attention in the States for now. Lovely. I get the feeling we’re gonna be seeing a lot of Fears over here. And of course, all the monsters that aren’t Fears. Maybe we’ll also get to see Bones.

11:00 PM One other thing’s been stumping me for an incredibly long time is the elephant in the planetary room itself: Rapture. We find out information about it a lot, but we still don’t actually know what it is. I’ve been hearing a lot of theories, mostly conflicting ones, but no matter what, the link to all of them is that it’s coming. Whatever Rapture is, it’s coming, and it’s related to both Indisen and the portals Doors. The Doors are key. What could individualistic sentience possibly have to do with gateways to another universe? There’s more to all this, clearly. What more, “Rapture” is generally a good thing, right? It’s, like.. Christians generally say it’s the day Jesus returns, or it’s associated with him in some way. That’s a good thing. Should we be fearing it?

11:11 PM I wish we can make it out of this alive. I wish I can find Bones. I wish I can find Danny, for that matter. And Fentzy. I wish I can find Fentzy, too. I wish for all the strength Tiger Stripes can give me. And I wish Rapture wasn’t coming.

11:12 PM I don’t know why the hell I make all these wishes at 11:11. It’s just a superstition. It’s not like it’ll ever come true. But still, I feel like I need to. I dunno. I guess I’m a wishful thinker.

(Attached: “Coincidentally, not long after witnessing the primordial formation of the Earth, the Devil took me to a more recent time– the Incans are more recent than the start of the planet, that’s what I mean– where we ran into EAT herself. I don’t remember how the conversation got to this point, but eventually that Camper was pointing a finger down a temple’s elusive hallway. --- Look, this discovery is groundbreaking in its implications! This hallway leads to places beyond the stars, places beyond the farthest stars! Whatever is down this path is something contained in the deepest pits of the deepest corners of the deepest regions of deep space. And somehow, that something has a passage leading right here. And this is what humans call ‘the underworld.’ So we need to see. I distinctly remember looking at the Devil and his omega face glancing expressionlessly back at me. Whatever either of us was thinking, we weren’t saying; this memory is entirely without context. The next thing I remember, I woke up in a bus stop in the rain.”)

[PREV LOG] [TABLE OF CONTENTS] [NEXT LOG]

#ogtrib #oh god the rapture is burning #ogtrib act 1 #let the sky fall... when it crumbles... we will stand tall and face it all together.....

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reikane-enthusiast · 1 year ago

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erm, a compiled list of all the notes I have on paper and all the notes in my brain for an upcoming..project.

(( TECHNICALLY THIS ENTIRE POST CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE DRA DEATHS..BUT. I don’t specify anything ))

gameplay notes..but I can’t code :

from hours 8 AM to 11 PM no anomalies will or can occur. ( unless glitched )

12:00 PM exact is lunchtime and is the only time when other students can appear in the library. Lunchtime can also have a triggered cut scene of either of the two ( image under writing but not here for sillies ) sitting with *.

Once the distraction meter ( during daytime only ) gets to middle point * will have the ability to ‘shoo’ or just get the distraction away. ( this will trigger the dialogue of “ get out, I’m studying. “ )

a distraction is a student outside of the library either trying to form a conversation with * , talking at her, or being ‘loud’. Certain students will not do normal actions, but have special dialogue instead.

if the distraction meter fills all the way up, * will get up and yell at the distraction / student. This will cause a game over.

during 12 AM to 8 AM anomalies will occur.

what are anomalies? :

Short : corpses

Long : Manifestations of *’s PTSD, possibly ghosts?..but that’s unlikely. They’re also kind of like hallucinations however *SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER*

anomalies :

( no data found for #1. )

#2, (( she really only hangs from the ceiling and is..almost non lethal. She cries out for help a lot, for someone to save her, for her brother…I’ll have to tell him sometime, not now though. Maybe it’s her ghostly wails or whatever that kills me..

#3,(( I..don’t remember what happened to her but I don’t really want to, she’s only ever in the hallways..running. I can hear her. Is it the sound? Maybe.. Maybe it’s the ringing in my ears.

#4 (( you were a bitch. However..I..don’t think you deserved that. She sits next to me a lot. I can smell the blood and the metal. She wouldn’t be dangerous if she didn’t kill with her touch, however, unfortunately she does.

#5 (( He’s on the walls, literally. and of course the wood is rotting. His blood always finds its way to me somehow, it works like acid once it hits me.

#6 (( This one is barely threatening, I think he’s just upset. He doesn’t try to hurt me , I know that, but whenever he gets close to me it hurts. It’s like I’m being repeatedly stabbed in the neck.

#7 (( I can hear her screams, constantly. I can hear the electric shocks. She reaches out her hand and then it’s just.. pain. The shocks..she’s sharing them. like the other one..she’s not trying to hurt me actively. none of them are, really.

#8 (( Idiot.. that doesn’t feel right to say though. You were stupid, but in that trial..you were just so— … She doesn’t seem sad unlike the others, she sits next to me too..trying to make me laugh. But when I look at her..when I finally see her face again..it’s over.

#9 (( You were also stupid. I knew what you were hiding, but outing you wouldn’t make me feel better. You were..kind of gross, but trying to fit in wasn’t easy..was it? I’m sorry you went out that way. Sometimes him and * are together, I can’t look at them either..despite how happy it appears they are together. Even if it was just a facade he needed to keep up during that time, I think they’re better off because they’re actual friends now.

#10 (( The blood from her mouth and her eyes gets on me even though shes far away, it seeps into my skin, her words seep into my brain..my own blood..everything. I’m sorry *. Sometimes she stands over me. Watching my every move..then the blood really hurts.

#11 (( I didn’t know you then, I didn’t remember you then, but now I do. You were a good brother from what I heard. I remember how * talked about you, how she was always wondering about your inventions.. I know you pushed her away when you guys were kids too. I can hear you making fun of her somehow, teasing her, bullying her around.. and it burns my ears sometimes. I don’t know how I hear it..but..it’s something to hold on to. He never shows up visually, but I feel his presence. I’ve never..seen you.

#0 (( She’s the closest to me always, she only shows up in the end. She grabs me by the face and forces me to look at her, shes crying..she’s grinning too though. ..But she doesn’t look injured, dead, none of that. I don’t think we ever confirmed she was dead, we just assumed she had drowned or bled out because that made the most sense. But now that I think of it, maybe you aren’t.

#0.1 (( *’s not really an anomaly..since..he can’t hurt me and he’s not dead. He’s more like protection. He keeps the actual anomalies away , I don’t really know how.. I guess **** made it up so that I could finally study.

extras! ,, based on the unused executions. :

#12 (( I remember watching you die. I thought it was kind of funny how you went out, getting arrested and all. Then you blew up.. that was..less funny. He smells like sulfur and ash..sometimes cement, sometimes he smells like burnt plastic. when he touches me it burns my flesh, I guess he wants me to feel the pain too.

#13 (( He’s connected by veins , almost like a fleshy spider. His blood unlike *’s isn’t acidic, but is definitely venomous. I hate looking at him, but it’s the only way to keep him away. I’ve only ever had one question.. Why? , Why’d you do it *? You were an idiot..but I didn’t think you were that afraid..and that fucking stupid. Then again, we we’re kids..so..I can’t entirely blame you for letting your fear take over.

#sora.txt ( 🫧#possible DRA spoilers #spoilers #I have a ‘mutual’ ( person I’ve talked to ) who’s currently on chpt 3 I don’t wanna spoil it for them!!

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journeytoasoberlife · 2 years ago

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Day 5.

Today I've had many thoughts around my emotional stability and when I'll be able to see it plateau. Having a cluster b personality disorder will blur those lines, but that's something I've come to recognize. I'm unsure of the sober side of that, making it uncharted territory for me, which is harder to navigate.

I woke up this morning and continued doing laundry, I filed my weekly unemployment, applied for more jobs and tried to keep busy. I had to remind myself that I'm not a failure with this, the last two jobs I've had I was treated very poorly and got the shit end of the stick in the worst way. Where I normally filled my morning with mimosas or a seltzer, I'm drinking more coffee, which should be water but whatever. I am using nicotine to fill those gaps, which I'm currently fine with.

I hung out with my friend Alex today, she's 8 months sober. Before her sobriety we would drink the entire time we were together. It was a nice change of pace and I'm so proud of her journey. I too will be there one day. We got pizza and I learned that I am not a fan of basil in mocktails, I mean seriously, who thought of that?

My hiking boots will be here tomorrow and I'll spend some of my day breaking them in. I'm also meeting with another friend that I've recently reconnected with.

It's currently 11:52 pm and I know I won't be able to sleep for a while. Not going to bed high or tipsy is something I'm still struggling with. During the peak of my alcoholism I wasn't really sleeping, though that also was work related. I would maybe get 3-4 hours if I was lucky, waking up every ~2 hours almost like clockwork.

My emotions took a shit on me tonight, too. By that time I would've easily been on my 3-4 cider and would either be ignoring my emotions or in a full blown breakdown. I think writing these every night gives me the outlet I didn't know I needed or willingly ignored if I'm being honest.

I've been trying to eat more regularly but I haven't been putting as much energy into it as I should. T and I would get breakfast every morning and that was a nice shift for me. I know I won't be able to go to one of my favorite spots for a bit because I always drank there, but I do make good breakfast when I put some effort in. I really need to go shopping but I keep ignoring it. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I'll also have to get another Elf Bar, the one I bought while T and I were out is killer on my throat and I know my good one will go bad soon, my novo could work if it dies and but that doesn't have nearly enough nicotine in it.

Things are adding up and I'm nervous about the weeks ahead. Will is coming home soon and my life will shift again, and I'm unsure how I'll be able to navigate that as well. He drinks a lot and while he was more than supportive, I'm worried about it.

I keep having to remind myself that I pulled out of this once before, and that was way worse than this time around. I spent the better half of 2019 drunk in a bar alone, waking up the next morning wondering how I was even able to drive home. That was the 5 year anniversary of my moms death and I couldn't shake it. I was living alone, having broken up with my partner, spiraling and wanting to die. I don't want to be in that place again, ever.

I'm worried that people will find me to be a liability, and in turn won't want to be in my life. Maybe I shouldn't be worried about something like that but there's people I never want to lose, even if the road gets rocky. I'm trying to be enough for myself, which I've never attempted before and quite frankly, I'm scared. I always made the joke that I was rawdogging life because I'm not medicated for my depression and anxiety, but now I'm really doing it and that's scary too.

I'm hoping for an easier day tomorrow. Hopefully I can find it.

Anyway, goodnight tumblr.

#sober journey #sober thoughts #personal

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8-43am · 2 months ago

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Sunday, March 30

This is my entry for today’s journal.

Today was a good day. I read three out of five pages (or topics, chapters—whatever you meant). Yeah, I woke up, but actually, I didn’t even sleep because last night we had Alumni Meet party. I came back to my room around 8 PM, slept at around 9 PM, and woke up at 11 PM. After that, I couldn’t go back to sleep. I didn’t feel sleepy, so I just kept scrolling through YouTube and Instagram. I did that for the whole night. I randomly watched a movie, binge-watched a series, and at 5 AM, I thought about going to the gym.

But then I realized I hadn’t slept well, so I knew I wouldn’t be able to lift weights. I haven’t been to the gym in a month, so I thought today would be a great start. Since it’s Sunday, it would have been a perfect day to get back into it. If I had gone, I would have felt really good about it. But I didn’t, and that’s bothering me right now.

Then I decided—okay, tomorrow is Monday, it’s Eid, and there will be no classes. From the day after tomorrow, we have our community exercises.

One thing I want to acknowledge today is that for the past month, I’ve been incredibly lazy, stupid, and undisciplined. I’ve been really lazy. I haven’t gone to the gym. I haven’t woken up early. I’ve been going to bed late at night, and my screen time has been at an all-time high. For an entire week, my screen time was more than 20 hours daily. For two weeks straight, I spent almost all my time on my phone. I even missed some of my classes.

My goal is to get a great rank in NEET PG. That’s what I want. But to achieve that, I need to work hard. I just need to take action. Right now, I’m being lazy. I haven’t been studying properly. And now, I have to change.

At least start working, bro. Then you can think about working hard. Taking the first step is crucial. Please, God, give me the strength.

I need to start meditating again. I was doing it, but I stopped a month ago. God, please give me strength. I am not this body. I am not this mind. I am not this body. I am not this mind.

Tomorrow, I will conquer the day. I will sleep early tonight—by 12 AM. I will sleep well and wake up at 5:30 AM, fully energized. I will go to the gym and work out for 60–70 minutes—at least an hour. Then I’ll start studying medicine because my medicine posting is over, and I need to cover some topics I haven’t fully grasped. I will read and revise those topics over the next 10 days since I don’t have classes. My goal is to cover them all within this time.

I want to thank myself for making this decision. I will write another journal entry tomorrow to hold myself accountable—whether I did it or not.

I can do this, bro. I will do this.

I am the chosen one. I am the hero of my own life. I can achieve whatever I set my mind to because the people who achieved greatness didn’t have anything extraordinary that I don’t. I have everything I need to be great. I just need to focus.

Thank you.

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olderjodijournals · 3 months ago

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Wednesday, July 1, 1992

I have many things to write about, but I think I’ll save the bulk of it till later this evening. I have done so much writing in the last few days, so I need to take a break. Plus, I really need to go warm up my voice as I believe Andy and I are going to go and compete in a karaoke contest tonight. I don’t know for sure. All I know is that when I went over to his apartment to use his phone at 4:00, he was sound asleep. Oh well.

Thursday, July 9, 1992

Right now I’m only gonna do a quick rundown on topics I’ll write about in full detail tomorrow. First of all, since being here I had a very scary close call a couple of days ago. It concerns financial issues and Shadow. I was a devastated bundle of nerves for almost 24 hours. The financial issue has been fixed, but I’m crushed about something else and I always will be.

I’ll also write about packages from my parents. Packages I have gotten and packages I’m expecting. Also, about tapes and calls. Tomorrow I must go to the office for my CDs.

Sunday, July 12, 1992

I still have much writing to do. A few miserable things have happened to me since I’ve last written. I can’t help but feel guilty and cursed as I usually do, despite the fact that I had no control over the situation. I had a great month to start with here, then I wound up wishing I was dead again. I got so scared and depressed as reality hit me. So many fears, doubts, and questions were going through my head. All I kept thinking is that I didn’t want to live my life scraping pennies. Just barely able to pay the rent, the electric bill, food and other non-edibles that add up. Because I know now 100% for sure I’ll never have my dream, what the fuck is my purpose in life. What am I here for? To just barely ever eat enough and eat right? To be scared that SS will cut or stop my checks? SSI already stopped the check I get monthly for $16. They claim I was overpaid which is a crock of shit. There’s no use calling them as you just can’t fight them.

What is my purpose in life? To wonder if I can fully come up with the rent money and the electric bill? This is gonna be my life cuz I cannot settle, cannot have my dream and will never live in a project again. I couldn’t settle even if I wanted to. I couldn’t get up day after day very early in the morning. I’d only sleep 2-4 hours a night. We already know what effect that has on a person. Live in the NHA if you can’t sleep before 4 AM and see how it feels. I can’t afford to get up at 7 AM, lay in bed from 11 PM to 4 AM-5 AM and get up at 7 AM all over again continuously.

I also cannot afford to go without medical benefits and pay thousands of dollars for medical shit. So once again, what is my purpose here?

On July 7th, I had a horrible day. My food stamps are gonna be delayed now another month cuz the asshole in CT never closed my case. The worker in AZ said the worker back there never knew I moved. Bullshit. Tammy and Dad spoke to her. They do this to delay you as while they’re delaying you they save money. I’m so sick of harassment from public assistance, SSI and SS. I was so stressed out and was crying so long and hard that my eyes were nearly swollen shut. I thought it’d be easier financially here. That is one of the reasons why I moved here.

Besides being scared shitless about money, I got a notice from the office here. Either pay a $50 fine and be evicted or get rid of Shadow. I knew I had no choice. Andy and I drove him to Paradise Valley where Stevie Nicks lives. We dropped him and his box over the wall onto her property. God, do I miss that cat! As obnoxious as he was, I miss meowing with him and his being so loving and affectionate.

I’m too upset to continue on now and that pretty much covers all the bad news. It’s gonna be a long boring life of struggling financially, wishing I could settle happily, wishing I wanted to be anything else as bad as I wanted to be a singer, and wondering what my purpose is here on earth?!

When I continue, believe it or not, I’ll have better things to write about. Right now, though, all I can think about is Shadow. Most of the time I have him pretty well blocked out. Now, I can’t get rid of him.

Thursday, July 16, 1992

Once again, I really need to get my ass in gear and write daily. I have so many fantastic things to write about and so many shitty things to write about. Well, why not start with the shitty stuff and save the best for last.

I’m listening to the original “complex” argument with Fran and Nervous. Thank God Andy had this even though it’s only 90 seconds long. It was always my favorite and it’s very funny.

Right now I am very disgusted and pissed off at Andy. I thought he changed. All he kept telling my parents and I is how he’s become more giving as far as car rides, for example. He told me to make any appointments I needed to make on his days off and he’d have no problem taking me. In these 115º temps, I cannot walk, even though the grocery store and the bank are very close. I’m not used to this heat yet and need to wait till it becomes a little cooler. He said that was no problem and understood. The other day he went back on his word and insisted I could walk in this extreme heat. He’s been going back on his word on so many things and bitching at me for doing or saying things that he himself does or says as well.

He’s lied to me and my parents about a few things and that has me wondering what else he’s said that may be a lie.

All he does every day is bitch about how stressful work is and the zillions of reasons why he hates his job. Yet I have never condemned him for it or said things to him like, “Shut up about it,” and “Don’t let it get to you,” and “Just smile and be happy.”

All he’s ever said to me since he’s been here is that he’s miserable and depressed. But yesterday he turned around and said he’s always happy and he wants to be around happy people, and that I should be happy all the time myself. Then he goes back to telling me how much he hates people and doesn’t want friends. How he wishes he could stand in a corner and never say anything to people. How he can’t be himself and is lied to and led on. I told him I feel the same way and that I stay isolated so I can be myself. But yesterday he bitched at how I’ve got a wall up around me and I’ve got to make friends because all the bullshit friends go through is worth it. In the next breath, it’s not worth it at all.

He’s offered me things I never asked for like to eat dinner with him. He’s knocked on my door and said he was on his way to the store, would I like to come along? Later he said how he shouldn’t have fed me or driven me to the store. Then why the fuck did he do it?

Then after bitching at me about how I don’t get out and live life, he goes right back to talking about how he’s gotta be alone and have space. He says that after a stressful day at work he’s gotta be alone and I shouldn’t come over every day. Any time he’s asked me to leave, I have. I gave him a ribbon to tie on his doorknob if he doesn’t want to be bothered. But he bitched about his space after I gave him the ribbon and that problem was fixed. He is a very sad, lonely miserable guy who cuts people down while pretending to be happy and king of the world. He’s told me how he wants to burn people and feels bitter just like I do. But why is he taking his shit out on his friends? Burn someone who burns you or pick up the phone, I told him!

He and so many other people continuously have to tell me what to think, say and feel. If I say I like the color pink and for whatever reason Andy can’t handle that, I’m a liar. As far as he’s concerned, I really don’t like the color pink if that’s the way he wants it.

I dumped that girl Donna cuz she too, started to judge me and assume shit when she doesn’t even know me. All she knows is why I moved here. I know Andy’s spoken to her, and I’m not sharing friends with Andy. I learned that with Brenda, Steve, Jai and a few others that it’s not good to share friends with him because of the way he tries to turn them against me when he gets pissed at me.

Andy insisted Donna could be a good friend and I shouldn’t dump her. I’m sure she could be in other ways and I’ll always appreciate the help with the food she gave me and the dress, but I will not be who she wants me to be. I know I did the right thing by cutting Donna off, even though there’s a little tiny part of me that misses her. The thing of it is, though, if Donna had been the one to dump me, Andy would have been on her side.

I am not gonna take his shit with Andy like I did in Springfield!

Friday, July 17, 1992

In 1984, this is the day I walked free from Valleyhead. It was my last walk down Reservoir Road and I didn’t even know it. But I told myself I’d be damned if I’d return. I was a junior staff who had graduated. I’d done my time there.

Denise, my best friend there was taken in by Michelle. Michelle was my favorite teacher there. Michelle also despised Donna and her psycho sister Margaret. Also Barbara. She left for the same reasons any student there can’t wait to leave. She saw and knew how the kids there were treated.

I haven’t seen Andy since last Wednesday. All people want to do is fight, fight, fight. No one can let anyone be themselves. They flip out over the most stupid things. They knock you down when you’re already down. For a girl that expresses herself well and communicates well, I sure seem to be so misunderstood. I don’t want to fight with anyone. All I want to do is be happy. I try my best to get along with people but they’re always so determined not to get along with me. When are people gonna stop fighting with others so those who don’t want to fight and argue don’t have to?

I know I’m doing the right thing by avoiding Donna and Angel. And Andy agreed with me before all this happened that it isn’t always too smart to get involved with your neighbors as lucky as I sometimes was in Springfield. Who wants hostility so close to home? Plus, in Springfield, the only place to be was in your apartment. Here, I’m always at the pool and it’s harder to avoid people you don’t like or who don’t like you when you’re at the pool constantly.

A little over a month ago, I met a woman named Kathy at the pool. No, she wasn’t a butch as most Kathy’s, Carol’s and Karen’s seem to be. In fact, she was OK-looking. She’s got 3 kids. Her fiancé is a maintenance guy here. We chatted briefly at the pool and she told me she was home all day and could use some company. She gave me her apartment number and told me to come by anytime I wanted. I stopped at her place once for 15 minutes and I’ve never seen her since. She never said or did anything to scare me off but I know how all friendships are cool in the beginning, then take a turn for the worst. All is well when you begin anything, then it changes. If it doesn’t become a horrible situation, it gets boring. Maybe friendships are just as bad as intimate relationships after all.

Sometimes people are hard to avoid. Especially when you don’t plan on talking to them, but they talk to you. I did consider staying away from people with jobs and thought maybe it’d be better if I pursued more people on SS and SSI. I’m not ashamed to be on SS and SSI but so many people with jobs are bashing and knocking people like me. I don’t hate myself and I know I’m not stupid. However, when I tell people I’m on it when they ask what I do, they paint themselves a pretty bad and false picture.

I’ve written before about how one can only change the way they feel about certain things but not all things. How I wish I wanted to be anything else as bad as I want to be a singer. Sometimes, I look at all these people with jobs and wish I could love something else like I love to sing or be able to settle. I wish I had some sort of responsibility and a reason to get up every day. But even if I were a day person and had a decent job, I would have to constantly have to deal with people. I’m sure that no matter how well I did my job and kept my mouth shut that someone would stir up trouble for me.

There are a lot of people, though, on SSI and SS and everyone’s got their fair share of worries, fears, doubts and problems. I’ve been seeking out a somewhat “lower” class of people lately. No one on drugs or overly crazy, but low- or no-income people. People that are in my present situation, and if they have a similar background, that makes it even better. I used to try to seek out people who are fairly financially and emotionally stable with a better background. But these are the people who look down on me and feel they can do better, whether I hated myself or not. Opposites don’t attract.

Yesterday at the pool, as I was unlocking the gate, a woman called out, “Hi there,” as if we were old friends. Well, she’s 48, on SSI and SS, has lots of problems, is depressed and dead broke. Her name’s Ellie and she also has no car so we may walk to the store tomorrow. Normally, I wouldn’t coldly reject or try to change Ellie as many others would, but I’d be reluctant to get too close. I’d be thinking - can’t I do better than this? I’ve matured, presented myself better, don’t talk too much, remain evasive about my past and present life and don’t hate myself.

Later...

I went to see my primary physician here and he gave me Amoxicillin. I can’t wait till I’m off of them so I can continue with my tan before I lose what I’ve begun so far. I thought I had a yeast infection downstairs but instead, I have a bacterial infection. He couldn’t even do a pap smear as I am so tender there now. I’ll have to go for that after I’m through with my antibiotics and to make sure I don’t acquire a yeast infection since antibiotics can cause them.

My mom said she’d send me $50 a month and I hope she does soon as I’ve only got $5 until the end of the month. I really dreaded calling mom and telling her what’s been going on financially as she’s done a lot already but she was very understanding. I still must reapply for food stamps and hope I have a little extra money here and there once I get settled. I tried and fought for my SSI check but it’s hopeless, even though I was not overpaid.

There are so many non-edible things that add up, so even with food stamps, there’s never enough cash. I want to give Andy some money as soon as I can and God only knows if I’ll ever be able to afford a phone. The next few months are gonna be a struggle but I hope I’ll be OK. It’ll relieve the bulk of my stress if I don’t have to keep worrying about money. I still don’t know what SS is gonna do to my check.

I sent mom 12 pictures Andy took which came out fairly nice for a change. I told her to copy whatever she wants, then send them to Tammy. Have her do the same, then send them back to me so I can throw them into my collection.

I got some really nice packages from mom and dad. My pictures, typewriter, some papers, records and one guitar aren’t here yet. They sent my vacuum, one guitar, two quilts, two more bathing suits, shoes, suntan lotion, hair accessories, coupons and a small black and white TV. Also a lamp and two hideous shorts and shirt sets. Worse than conservative. I mean tacky, geeky, baggy and dull colors. That and a couple of pairs of cotton granny panties.

She also sent a table and two folding chairs. She asked me if I wanted the other two chairs and I said no. The two I have are enough. I like this so much better than my old kitchen table and chairs. They were getting old, dingy and beat up. It’s blue and matches my carpet well. The top of the table is soft leather-like material. To go with it she sent 4 mauve-colored placemats. The chairs are hard but there are two floral cushions you tie on to make them softer and more comfortable.

She also sent a raft and I was gonna sleep on that. I had figured it’d be wider but it’s too narrow for me to sleep on. Mark next door said I can continue using the foam mattress he lent me.

She sent me 5 plastic shelves just like the ones I used to have. That was fantastic so I could get shit off the floor. She’s gonna send another set which I’ll use in the living room. This set I put in the bedroom.

Saturday, July 18, 1992

Well, I never did get to bed after the last time I wrote. I felt really shitty and couldn’t stop worrying about money. I called Ma and I should get $50 soon. She’ll send that monthly along with a box of non-edibles that food stamps can’t buy. That really brought me a lot of relief and then I jumped in the pool. When you’re trying to stay up cuz your schedule keeps changing, there’s nothing like having a pool. It really revives you when you jump in. It’ll be easier to change schedules here. If you need to stay up all day to try to sleep at night, you can lie out by the pool all day and relax. You won’t sleep that way but you won’t be overexerting yourself in any physical way.

In a half-hour, I’m gonna watch Little House on the Prairie.

Earlier at 9:30, I ordered a pizza that never came till 11:15, so I got it for free and saved $7.14.

I wish I had a little microcassette recorder. This way I can speak about all the subjects I want to write about without forgetting them if several days pass by before I write. At least I do have a fairly decent memory that I know I can rely on. It’d still be great to have a microcassette, though, as that way no details would ever slip my mind here and there. Many times, say I’m at the pool, for example, I’ll remember something I want to write about, but when I do write I forget. If I brought a microcassette recorder around with me to most places I go, I can speak little notes in bits and pieces of the subject, then play it all back whenever I decide to write.

Sunday, July 19, 1992

I got the $50 from Mom and that was great. I really needed real food. All I had was stuff like bread, cereal and pasta, and I get sick of the lack of variety. I can’t get away with not eating right anymore.

I still haven’t gotten anything in the mail from Tammy or Lisa and I also haven’t spoken to Andy. I did leave him the $10 stamps I owe him and $10 in cash. My God his place reeks! How can he live like that? His place always reeks and is a pigpen. The way people live really reflects a lot about them. We both have had our depressing times and my place is sometimes a little trashed. But if you compare each other’s definition of “trashed,” they’re completely different. Even when I’m miserable I still usually have my place nice and my appearance too, if I can help it. He, on the other hand, always is a mess. That tells me something. I just cannot stand those that contradict everything they say. I feel so misunderstood by him. Part of it is that he’s got a lousy memory. Maybe cuz he smokes pot. The other part of it is his stubbornness. You’re a liar if he doesn’t want to accept, hear or believe something you’ve said.

I hate people who are so verbally abusive and think they can cut you down when they’re miserable, pretending to be king of the world and the happiest son of a bitch alive. I can see through that, not that he’d ever own up to it. He has said how he’s bitter and lonely and hates people and wants to lash out at them and treat them like shit. I can very much relate to those feelings too, but not with what’s supposed to be my best friend. Can’t people spare their best friends? We’re either gonna be enemies with no contact or friends that treat each other like friends. I’m not gonna go back and forth with him as we did in Springfield. It’s normal to fight here and there, but I won’t tolerate such shit like his on a regular basis. If he ever found anyone for a relationship, he’d never make it work more than a week any more than I could. Also, just like me, he’d attract the wrong kind of person, but for a totally different reason than me.

Later...

I got some of my old edits from Andy and duped them. He also gave me a tape of his best calls for me to edit. I’ve begun that as well as other editing. He and I have made some calls from his place. I still have lots of editing to do, but I always have more stuff to edit. I edited down all my convos with several different folks and left a few blanks for taping convos. Then I edit out anything boring onto another tape.

I still have to reapply for food stamps and set up something with a therapist. I sure hope there’s an agency that makes home visits. It’d be so much easier. I have a number to call that two counselors gave me the night I was all freaked about money. I ran in a panic to the payphone and cuz I didn’t know who to call, I called 911. I spoke with the dispatcher for a while and then she connected me with Terros. The police routinely come out first, then they send Terros out. I’ve seen these same two cops twice and this woman twice. I forgot her name but she had a different male partner with her each time she came out. I’ve forgotten all their names, except for Sheryl and Annette. They do a weekly follow-up for a month or so and they were the ones who came out last Wednesday. They’re gonna be here again next Wednesday on the 22nd at 7 PM. Annette’s white and Sheryl’s black and I don’t know why, but I really liked Sheryl. It almost seemed like it was mutual from what I sensed. It’s not that she’s gorgeous but something was there. Of course, I plan to keep my mouth shut.

Most types of people with real jobs that I’ve always seemed to click with are cops and security guards, like Dave here for example. He’s 40-something, I guess and is very nice to chat with. On weekends he’s here at night. He locks the gates at the pools at midnight. He’s here at night on weekdays too, as I’ve seen him lock the pools up at 10 PM. The pools open early in the morning but on weekends it’s open till midnight. I wish they were open 24 hours on my schedule, but there’d be lots of loud wild parties and no one near the pool would ever sleep.

After I got my $50 today, Mark next door took me to Fry’s, the grocery store right near here. He said to let him know whenever I need rides. That’s great as there’s no way I can walk in this heat with or without asthma. Early in the morning, nothing’s open and I never would walk at night. Can’t tell Andy that, of course.

Today it was 112º. Tomorrow it’ll be 110º.

Later...

I was just sitting here thinking of several things here and there about this and that. I can’t wait till I get the other pictures. It’s been almost two months. Also, I’m really looking forward to that second set of shelves ma’s sending. I’ll use them out in the living room.

I wish Arizona paid as much as MA did between the two checks. In MA it’s $581. In CT and AZ it’s $442 cuz it’s cheaper to live here.

I really wanted a 1-bedroom. That’s what I’m used to and I need the extra space. Especially the extra closet space. I’ve seen them and they’re so nice. Perfect. I miss being on the top floor, too. My place, though, minus furniture looks nicely decorated. Now that I’ve got shelves, tables and chairs, the only other thing I need is a bed. A twin would be fine as it’s just me, although you can fit a double bed in there and I’d still have room for my shelves. Luckily I do not have my old queen-size waterbed. That would definitely not fit in there. A color TV that’s a little bigger would be nice too, but no big deal and certainly not the end of the world.

I am now just about completely updated. All I need to write about are these two lesbian bars I went to a few weeks ago. Also, 3 more drop-dead gorgeous girls I met at the pool. I mean, they are all a 10+! LaDon, Lisa and Rosemarie. Rosemarie looks the most like Gloria out of any others I’ve met, though I think she may be Italian. I haven’t spoken to her much yet, just exchanged a few hellos and mentioned that she looked like Gloria. She says she’s told that all the time. Late-night two nights ago at the pool, I met LaDon and Lisa. They’re gorgeous too. All 3 of them have bodies that look like models. They’re perfect from head to toe. Their teeth, flat bellies, and straight thighs. Standing next to them makes me look below average when I know for a fact that if I’m compared to the average female, I’m doing pretty well. The typical, usual bummer of it all is that I’m sure they’re all straight as an arrow.

Cigarette break now, then I will write about those bars. Then, I shall finally be all up to date unless there’s a little detail here and there that has slipped my mind.

Monday, July 20, 1992

I am just slowly beginning to wake up. I slept like a log from 12:30 PM-8:30 PM, but I am still groggy. I guess that’s good, though, as it’ll keep me up longer tomorrow if I take my time waking up.

I hope I get the rest of my stuff soon and a letter from my nieces. It’d also be really nice to hear from Kim, Bob, Fran or Nervous but that’s wishful thinking.

I’m gonna call SSI and the food stamp people out here. I should hopefully be able to reapply over the phone. I’ll also call about seeing a therapist and reschedule my doctor’s appointment for my pap smear. This Wednesday I’ll be through with the antibiotics and will be able to continue on with my tan.

My TD has been really pissing me off. Since being on the antibiotic it’s been worse. Some medications can make it worse. My TD also acts up and becomes worse when I’m tired or upset, but we’ll see if it subsides a bit when I finish the antibiotics.

The gay bars – well – I went to two of them and they shocked the shit out of me just as the shrinks in Natchaug did. Just when I thought nothing more could shock me. Back east it was 95% butch and a very occasional feminine woman. Here, there were lots of butches but also feminine ones mixed in. There weren’t tons and tons of them, but there sure was enough. More than a few. For the first time, I felt like I had the same variety as gay men do.

I met these 5 girls named Becky, Carmen, Carol, Holly and Lori. I gave them all my number or Andy’s number, I should say, but did they call me after telling me how pretty and nice I was? No. Of course not. Whatever’s up there is determined to let me only have two one-nighters a year.

I was also shocked at all these people who say they want relationships. And after I tell them I only want one-nighters here and there so they won’t feel threatened or scared that I’ll smother them or put strings on them. Yet I still get nowhere.

Why are people so afraid to pick up the phone? If they really want to check into someone, why don’t they put any effort into it? Why is it always me that does the seeking and approaching? The only one that approached me was one that wasn’t ugly, but not in the least bit attractive, naturally. What else is new? To tell the truth, though, after dealing with more and more shit with people, I’m glad they never called. Donna and Andy reminded me just what I’d be in for.

The only ones out of those 5 that I may have been attracted to enough to sleep with would’ve been Carmen and Becky and maybe Holly. Not Carol or Lori. I highly doubt they called during this shit with Andy. If they did he may be spiteful and immature enough to not tell me, but if that is the case, he’s done me a great favor and has spared me more bullshit. I don’t think he’d be mature enough to leave a note on my door at least, no matter how I felt about meeting them. But I’m completely turned off after his and Donna’s shit. Even with pursuing Sonja who’s never called back after I spoke to her. We had an OK talk too, or so I thought.

Wait till my sister calls. He can’t wait, no doubt, to go on and on crying on her shoulder. She won’t fall for it and knows better but if she questions me I’ll tell her it’s our problem and our business. I’m sure Velma and all his other friends have heard all about it on a daily basis. Well, enough of Andy, but I’ll say one last thing. That is I give what I get and if he can go back on his word so can’t I. That means I ain’t cleaning his place worth shit!

Tuesday, July 21, 1992

Earlier I got my second set of shelves. I used them in the living room and it looks so much better now. The whole place looks great, even the walls. I’ve always been good at decorating.

I managed to stay up until 4 PM and sleep until midnight. More and more I wish I could be up during the days. Even if I had nothing to do. At least I’d have the pools and I’d feel better. Also, if I did have something to do, I’d be able to be awake for it. Well, Andy said he never could be a day person if his life depended on it till this year. Hopefully, that’ll happen to me even though right now that seems impossible, but who knows?

Later...

I just ate and ran off the dishes. The dishes here don’t get really clean and I was told it has nothing to do with the dishwasher. It’s Arizona’s water. California has the same problem. There’s supposed to be something you can buy to put in the water or the dishwasher, but I don’t know what.

As I saw Mark walking towards his place, I tapped on the slider and waved hello. He knocked a few minutes later for a light for his cigarette. He came in and saw how I’ve decorated since getting my shelves. Said it looks so girlie. Yeah, it does.

I’ve got an hour or so yet before the pool opens. I’m psyched to get on with my tan. I’m losing what I had. Mark’s gonna blow up my raft sometime.

All I keep thinking about is Rosemarie. I know she’s straight as a pin, but I like to seek, chase and do my homework and detective work even though I get absolutely nowhere. She is the ultimate attraction for me. Ann Marie was no second best but she sure is compared to Rosemarie. All in all, God will never grant me that much. It just ain’t meant to be and will never happen for one night. As I’ve learned, just cuz you’re positive or want something bad enough doesn’t mean you’ll get your way. If you pray for something you want or bust your ass trying to achieve it and it’s not in the cards, you’ll never get it. If Rosemarie were meant to be, God would send her my way whether I wanted her or not.

I saw her yesterday morning for the first time in the bright sunlight. She’s so beautiful. I can tell so even though I’ve still never seen her close up. I was in the pool and she walked around the fence obviously on her way to work. She seems like a very friendly person. I could be wrong, though, since I don’t know her and everyone seems nice till you get to know them. We said hello to each other and she asked how I was. She also said hi to two elderly ladies and I don’t even think they know each other.

Right after that, I ran back to my place to see what time it was. It was 7:55 AM. Well, at 7:45, I will head over there and sit down on the bench.

I have makeup on and that sundress Donna gave me. My hair is all brushed out, too.

It’s fun, but on the other hand, I know I’m completely wasting my time. I think she’s with a guy. Well, it isn’t the first time I’ve thought of someone who never thinks of me. It won’t be the last either. I want her sooooooo bad. At least I hope to try to get to know her and be friends with her. It’s better than nothing and I doubt there’s any way she could be bi, let alone gay. Yes, she’s a neighbor and yes, she’s got a job. But this is an exception I can’t pass up.

Wednesday, July 22, 1992

I know I’m wasting my time chasing Rosemarie, but hey, it’s fun. Andy also believes she’s got a boyfriend that she lives with, but it won’t be the first or last time that I’ve wasted my time.

I got a lot of color back yesterday that I had begun to lose. It looks good. When I returned to the pool, Andy was there. We had a very nice talk and I said all the things I wanted to say. He listened. I listened to him too, and simply told him I don’t want to fight with him or anyone else.

Those two girls from Terros, Sheryl and Annette, will be here at 7:00 this evening. I’ll have some happier things to say than the last time. My place also looks much better, too.

Friday, July 24, 1992

Well, I sure had an adventurous last two days! I’ll save the best for last. First, I met this girl, Fay, who I’ve seen around here a lot. She sort of reminds me of Tracy K, although she’s not quite that ugly. Close though. I’d never touch her, even though she’s bi. She’s got a boyfriend and a son but she’s had threesomes and lots of woman fantasies. She’s very tall and heavy with very short hair.

Later...

I just stopped for a while cuz Andy came over. I gave him Julie B’s letter which he’s gonna mail when he goes home from August 1st – 8th. He’ll be spending most of his vacation at the beach. Julie is a friend of Velma’s. Or was. She’s a hairdresser like Velma but she did some things to piss Velma off. Velma says she will hear all about the letters and get a good kick out of it. We just wrote a bunch of strange stuff. Nothing too scandalous.

I also played Andy a CD of Stevie Nicks.

Tomorrow between 4:00-4:30 we’re gonna go to Donna’s place for the twin-size mattress she’s got, I guess. We’ll see, but if she stands me up I’ll never count on her for shit again. We’re gonna go in Mark’s truck.

I spoke with Mark yesterday and also met a friend of his. His friend asked me out to the movies with him but I told them I was gay. Mark said no problem, but he hates gay guys. He said, however that cuz he’s my friend he’ll be cool. I said he better be cuz Andy’s not the least bit attracted to him and not to flatter himself. Also, anyone who fucks with my friend is fucking with me.

Mark and I also went swimming yesterday and today he brought me to a church to get food till I can reapply for food stamps. They usually have a Spanish interviewer there but he was out at the time. Two women spoke no English so I interpreted for them.

When Fay came over she had a piece of cheesecake for me. It was really good. We chatted here, then I brought her to Andy’s and we got some wrong numbers. We had some fun with those. I chatted with her today and told her all about my visit to Rosemarie and Rick’s place. It went super well, too. I’ve been pretty psyched about that. I told Fay how I felt about her before I finally got to meet her and talk to her last night.

When I get back from the pool, I’ll write all about it. Right now, though, I really am dying to go for a swim.

Later...

I am going to bed soon so I’ll write a little bit about Rosemarie and Rick. I was over to their place yesterday and today and I really like them both very much. I was a little nervous last night but tonight I felt much more relaxed. We all laughed and joked and talked about many things. Not sure I liked Rick’s joke about my being cheap cuz I’m Jewish, though. Don’t get me wrong. I can take a joke. But was it purely a joke, or was he being serious in some way? His tone made me wonder.

Most people blush when they’re around people they’re attracted to, so I thank God I’m fried with lots of color all over to hide it. My face would’ve been as red as it is from the sun. I’ve gotten a lot of color too.

My first night there, I noticed how they were really determined to get to know me. They really wanted to know all they could about me. They insisted I stay and talk and they said I was welcome to their place anytime. They were really coming at me from all different angles, attacking me with several questions. Their curiosity was genuine, not phony. They seemed very truly interested in all I had to say. Rosemarie kept asking me to sing and asking questions about that.

It at least seemed that they were open-minded and sensitive and very accepting. I even had no problem telling them of my being on SS.

Last night, before I went over there, I had to think of an excuse. I know this was being a little dishonest, but I told them some girl knocked on my door telling me Rosemarie had something to tell me. Next time I see them, Andy’s friend pulled this “joke” on me is what I’ll say.

I told Andy all about last night. Next time I see him, naturally I will fill him in on tonight’s visit which was 10 times better. Rosemarie brought up the subject of a boyfriend, so that’s when it all came out. Right away they were quick to reassure me that they did not think any less of me cuz of how I am but they did have a zillion questions for me. I told them to ask away and that I’m used to answering tons of questions and am very open about it.

Eventually, we were laughing and joking about everything from this butch who used to live near them to the underwear my mom sent that could cover her car. Rosemarie said there were two gay women next to her. One was feminine and nice, the other a mad, bitchy, jealous butch. She used to give Rosemarie dirty looks and Rosemarie said she was terrified of her.

Rosemarie also knows I’m very attracted to her. I am so glad we met. She and Rick are so friendly. They are very accepting of me. For Rosemarie being as pretty as she is, she’s so nice! I know I’ll never get her in bed but I do want to be friends with her as long as possible.

Well, now I think I’ll go listen to music before I go to sleep. I sure hope I’m sleeping in a real bed tomorrow night!

Sunday, July 26, 1992

Yesterday was a very good day. I continued to get more color and I swam all day. I spoke with Fay and briefly saw Rosemarie. I didn’t want to seem so pushy and smother them. I know what it’s like to need breathing space. I didn’t want them to feel like I was invading their daily lives. I never went up to their apartment, but when I was in the pool Rosemarie came out onto her patio. I called out hi and asked if she was gonna go for a swim. She said she didn’t feel like it and that was it. They did say that they’d come see my place sometime.

Last night at 7:30, Andy and I went in Mark’s truck to get that bed. It’s a twin-size bed but very comfortable. It really felt good to get off the floor. I gave Mark his foamy thing back but that sure saved me from feeling like I’d break all my bones, even though I have nice plush thick carpet. I slept very well. In fact, I even fell asleep at 1 AM, maybe earlier. I woke up at 8:30. Yesterday I woke up at 10:30.

After we brought the bed back here, Andy gave me a twin-size sheet. I can easily still use mine by tucking it in between the mattress and the box spring. I do have a frame but it’s missing a clamp. There’s no hurry for it, but it’d be nice to eventually have for a few reasons. One is it’d raise the bed up a little higher and my quilt wouldn’t be on the floor as much. Two, it’d be on wheels and easier to move. Three, I could store stuff under the bed.

I took Andy’s vacuum and used that and now my place looks so cute. Now, all I have to worry about is getting my food stamps which Andy will take me to reapply for next Wed. I also am dying to get a phone. I must first get situated financially and get my food stamps.

Later...

Fay came over. She found a white dress in the dumpster that fits me perfectly. It’s a little too long, though and it looks almost like a wedding dress. It has a few stains but ones that aren’t overly visible. It’s got long sleeves of white lace and the rest is solid white. There’s a lining inside but the outside is like chiffon. Streaming down the back to the floor is a piece of chiffon and there’s also a lace bow in front. Even with heels, it’s still just a wee bit too long so whoever wore it was also a size 3, but maybe a few inches taller.

Fay also found this tiny, colored pillow I had for a long time that I threw in there. I gave her two other little ones Ma sent. She’s got a bad back so she uses it for that.

Later...

Last night after I vacuumed and fixed up my bed, Andy and I played Crazy 8’s. Something we haven’t done since we were kids.

It’s time to write everyone’s letters. A lot has happened since I last wrote. I sure can say one great thing, though, and that is that I haven’t had but a few bad days since June 9th! That was all over money, of course.

Now after being here as long as have I can now truly feel a difference in my asthma. Sure I still wheeze and wake up a little congested. But I no longer sneeze my ass off like there’s no tomorrow. Overall I feel so much better and now I know firsthand why they recommend that asthmatics live here.

I will wait to reschedule my appointment for my pap smear and also have him fill out the TAP form (Telephone Assistance Program) to waive my installation fee.

After Andy returns from home he’ll take me there, and we mutually agreed and compromised on one thing. That is that until it gets cooler, he’ll drive me places, but rather than wait around forever, he’ll go home and I’ll call him when I’m through.

I hope next Wednesday I can get a letter to go to the food bank. There, they gave me quite a bit. At the church, Mark took me to, however, they didn’t give all that much.

Later...

So far today I’ve gone to the pool by Rosemarie 3 times and I just came back from the other pool.

I was walking out my door at the same time Fay was walking out hers across from me. Fay and her son James and I were headed to the “Rosemarie” pool when we saw how it was infested with little kids, so we took off for the other pool. That pool was crowded too, but not nearly as mobbed as the other one was. On weekends it’s pretty crowded. At night during the weekdays, it’s ok.

At the other pool, I ran into Stephanie. Pez screwed her over and now she’s got a new roommate also from New York like Pez and Stephanie. I’ve met her before and she’s sort of pretty but she’s straight, according to Steph.

It’ll be a long long time before I see another woman as gorgeous as Rosemarie. They’re far and few between in my opinion.

I told Stephanie that Andy told me she used to pay Pez $15 to clean her bathroom. I told her not to hesitate to ask me if she needs help cleaning. If I were to only clean her bathroom once a week for $15, that’s $60 extra a month! That’d be great but I know better than to count on it, even though she said she’d let me know when she gets her paycheck.

She also said she’d come check out my place and mentioned going to clubs. I told her I’d go to clubs with her if she needed someone to take along, but she stood Andy and I up last time. She said some serious shit went down that night, so we’ll see how reliable she is.

There’s a little part of me that’s tempted to go visit Donna. She’d be happy if I did, I guess. She really wanted to be my friend, but then I dumped her. Afterward, I swore I’d make no more friends and acquaintances - Fay, Stephanie, Harriett, Debbie, Robert, Mark, all the maintenance people, Dave the security guard, Rosemarie, Rick, and so many others I don’t know by name. With most of these people, I didn’t even initiate the conversation. They began to speak to me. Lots of people strike up conversations with me. Males, females, kids, young and old. I haven’t seen Ellie, though.

Last night I ran into Angel and Grace. We had a quick yet nice chat. Angel still hasn’t had her baby yet. They were just taking a walk and I invited them in to see my place all fixed up.

I told her that I wasn’t ever angry at her and that I’d been worried about money, but that she still had a friend in me. I apologized for seeming to have pushed her away and shut her out. She said she had thought about stopping by but has been busy.

Later...

I’ve never met so many people at once other than in schools or funny farms! I was just at the pool and I met a guy named Chuck, his Vietnamese girlfriend Lily and his son. I forgot his son’s name but they were all very nice. It seems I can just stand in the corner and not say anything and people will talk to me. I guess it’s a lot easier to socialize at pools as opposed to someplace like a grocery store.

Mark and his friend came home. The one who hooked up my VCR and asked me out to the movies. Lance is his name. I still can’t program into the VCR all the channels I want to record. I guess there’s a certain cable I need for that. Lance mentioned giving me one he didn’t need. Maybe he forgot or hasn’t had time. Or maybe he isn’t bothering cuz I turned his “movie offer” down.

I want to wait a little while before visiting Rosemarie again. I don’t know exactly how long, but although they said their place is always open to me, I do not wish to wear out my welcome. I’d also like to see if they come over here. I’m still so shocked at how friendly and open they are. They also said they were glad I was open about being gay. They really seemed to like my personality and were very into discussing my music and all about me. Every time I asked them about themselves, they’d say they were boring and had nothing to say about themselves, then ask about me.

Later...

There’s gonna be a good movie tonight I’ll want to see, but I’m sure I’ll be interrupted. I can’t record it yet. I’ll ask Andy what he thinks about that and what I should do.

Monday, July 27, 1992

I just got back from the pool once again, and Donna was there. My God, I never really realized just what a sick little bitch she is! A very sad and sorry little puppy hiding behind a mask of glory. Why is it that whenever someone else’s life is going shitty, or you’re not what they want you to be, they pretend they’re on cloud 9, contradict all they’ve said and cut you down?

Donna said, “I have lots of friends, everything’s going so great, my husband got a raise, we got a new car, and no friends have ever dumped me like that.” That’s ironic cuz when all was well between us, she told me she hardly has any friends cuz she gets dumped so much. I think she’s just being so vindictive cuz I dumped her when she wanted to be friends.

She was telling me I can’t handle things right and I get upset over stupid things yet there she is freaking out all hysterically. Everyone was looking at her like she was crazy. She told me she got all mad due to the fact that I think she’s pretty. Even fought with her husband about it. Now is that ridiculous or what? Who the hell fights over someone that tells them they’re pretty? What a totally melodramatic waste of time, anger and energy! I mean, come on, grow up! I never realized she was that judgmental and such a backstabber and I am never gladder that I dumped her. I never realized how unstable she is and I meant it when I said all the pretty ones are snobs. She’s got her mind set on what I’m all about and she’s so sure she’s got me all figured out. She says I don’t have a lot of friends and I told her she’s damn right as there are so many contradicting assholes like herself. I cannot believe just how paranoid she is. She can go on thinking she’s wonderful, but as far as I’m concerned, I have no room in my life for people like her.

Fay gave me a poster of unicorns to color and I’m gonna give her a word find puzzle book. I’ve really gotten to like her and enjoy our talks.

I’m also tempted to visit Rosemarie but after dealing with people like Donna, it makes me wonder once again if I’m not better off just minding my own business. I don’t know what to do. It’s all so asinine and stupid. I’m so sick of people but I guess I can do what I did to Donna if I need to. If I ever meet anyone who turns out no good, I’ll just dump them. Including anyone I currently know. The most shocking thing isn’t the low blows someone can give you as I am very well used to that. What’s shocking is how quickly someone can change from one extreme to another.

Later...

I just helped Fay fill out a 19-page form. It’s information on her son James, herself and her family for a therapist. I feel for those who are slow and have learning disabilities like she does. Life isn’t fair for all those who have so many ordinary things they’d like to do, other than being a singer, yet they’ll never be able to. And then there’s me, a quick learner with the abilities, but who doesn’t want to be anything other than a singer. Either way, I told her to never hesitate to ask for help with something if she needs it. It made me feel good to be able to help her.

Tuesday, July 28, 1992

I am watching Candid Camera now and next is Night Talk with Jane Whitney.

On this talk show, there are “lipstick lesbians” on now. I’ve seen this before.

Earlier I did stop up to see Rosemarie but Rick answered the door saying she was asleep. I would’ve loved to go climb into her bed and join her, but instead, I just told Rick I’ll see them some other time.

Andy and I went to the grocery store where he bought us TV dinners. He also got me some milk, lent me a roll of toilet paper, and brought us some popcorn which we had while we played Crazy 8’s. I’m glad we’re finally playing Crazy 8’s after about 15 years. I wonder what took us so long to get back into it as it really is a lot of fun.

It’s almost 1:30 now so I should really try to get to bed soon. I’m gonna go listen to my music first which I haven’t done all day.

Later...

I got up at 10:30 and then at noon I went to the pool. Andy was there and then he came over and gave me $40 which I gave to Mark & Lance for his pot.

Fay came over too, and she brushed my hair out for me. It looks much better now that I’ve washed and conditioned it. It was all matted down and tangled from the pool. Fay said she’d brush my hair whenever I needed it.

Fay and I played a game of concentration and she said she’d stop by tonight at 7:00. At 8:00, there’s the conclusion of a really good movie I want to see. It’s based on a true story about 4 guys who killed an Indian girl. All the shows are on an hour earlier here. The news is on at 10:00, rather than 11:00. Movies run from 8:00-10:00, rather than 9:00-11:00.

Later...

In an hour I’m going over to Andy’s as we’re both having T-bone steaks. Those are good and I’m starving.

I hope all goes well tomorrow at welfare. And quickly, too. You spend 95% of the time waiting and waiting and waiting. The food bank I need a letter for closes at 3:00 and I hope I don’t have to fill out the form all over again. It’s a long form and they already have all the information they need.

I will not be getting an SSI check anymore. This state has no cash supplement which means my monthly income will be $426. That’s ridiculous. It totally sucks. How do people live that don’t have parents sending them $50 a month?

On the 3rd, I’ll need to go pay my electric bill and my direct deposit better be here. I don’t want to have to stop at the bank for them to get my check from CT. I’ll also have to notify Tammy to close out my account as soon as my SS check comes to my bank here. I’ll also need to call Access and find out why they haven’t mailed me my Medicaid card. I try calling, but it’s always busy.

My main concern is getting my food stamps and seeing how that goes and my electric bill and my overall situation financially. Last month my electric bill was $65 and I need to be sure it doesn’t fluctuate drastically here and there. If it stays around $65, then I can get a phone with Mom’s extra $50. I can’t tell her if I do get a phone, though, as she said she wouldn’t pay the $50 if I do. I know why she really wants me not to get a phone. I wasn’t born yesterday or the day before, but that’s OK.

After Andy returns I’ll take the TAP form to my Doctor.

Mom sent a roll of film which we’ll do up when Andy returns, so she’ll have more to complain about. First, it was my clothes and now it’s the way I pose in pictures. I guess posing in 3 out of the 12 pictures in a really happy, goofy mood is a crime and the end of the world to her. Is this personal or something? Like is she jealous? Sure makes me wonder at times!

Fay wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes from me and I knocked on her door before, but she wasn’t there. At 7:00 I’m gonna have to leave her a note as I’ll be at Andy’s. They both know I’ll be watching the movie tonight but I hope no one else knocks on my door.

Guess there’s not going to be any friendship with Rosemarie. Why is it always me that has to do the approaching, visiting and seeking out of others anyway? I visited them 3 times. Now let’s see them come to me.

All I get is junk mail lately. When am I gonna get some letters? I haven’t heard from anyone. I drew Tammy’s friend Karen a cat. I told her I would a few months ago and it came out nice.

Later...

Soon, I’ll be taking a walk to Andy’s.

I just saw Fay walking her mother’s dog and she said her aunt has a cage full of guinea pigs. I miss having pets. I gave her a pack of smokes and I’ll stop by for a while later.

I guess I’ll go over Andy’s now as I’d like to use his phone.

Thursday, July 30, 1992

I’m watching Candid Camera now waiting for my talk show to come on.

Well, today was another good day but it sure was hot and frustrating waiting forever at welfare to fill out a stupid form, get a date, and a letter for the food bank. They gave me a lot of really good stuff at the food bank. More than the churches.

I think I’ll have to go for an appointment on the 3rd. Mark said he’ll take me. I gave him 4 more loaves of bread. Now he’s got bread for months and I have 4 or 5 loaves in my freezer. I sure hope they mail me my food stamps before I run out of the food I got today.

I have other things to write about like Jake, a friend of Fay’s who’s bi. Andy liked his body and his hair but says his face looks devilish. They talked for a long time but there were things about him Andy didn’t like. Otherwise, Andy said he was very interesting and very open. Jake is only into casuals and Andy wants more than that, so it’s all up in the air pretty much. If they can be friends, that’s cool.

There was an awesome storm with neat lightning, thunder, rain and gusty winds at 45 MPH. Mark and I were enjoying it outside our doors as I was sprinkling my unwanted pinto beans in the gravel.

Two missionaries came here looking for Robert upstairs. He was there as I could hear him walking around up there. He didn’t answer his door, though, and Mark and I were busting the missionaries, saying he was an escaped convict profiled on Unsolved Mysteries. Mark told them to put a bulletproof vest on as he’s a psycho man who was in the war.

Around 9:30, I went over to Andy’s and I tried calling Fran but there was no answer. We called Nervous instead and I taped him. We were on the phone till almost 11:00 and I billed the call to Bob.

Jake was telling me I have beautiful legs and a beautiful body.

Ha! My legs are my worse feature, besides my teeth.

He also says in time he could find me a feminine woman for sex here and there. Oh, sure. I don’t want any more good-looking people in my life. I don’t want anything to do with Rosemarie either.

On this talk show, a comment which I’ve heard before got me cracking up. This applies to gays and straights and people looking for one-nighters as well as commitment. That when you’re not looking is when you meet someone. Really? Well, I haven’t been looking and I’ve had only two one-nighters since early 1991 after me and Brenda split up. This is why when it comes to sex, relationships, and careers, I don’t think a negative or positive attitude is relevant. If you think positive about something or someone you really want and bust your ass trying for it, it’s not gonna happen if it ain’t meant to be. We do not make our rules to a degree. God or whatever’s up there does. There are only certain things we can control. We can dump or keep our friends. But who we can and cannot get as friends is beyond our control. We can choose what we eat, what we wear and things like that.

Well, now I choose to go listen to music. After that, I choose to be in bed with an attractive woman and be a professional singer, but God won’t allow that. Maybe in the year 2000. The singer, in the next life.

I began editing Nerv from tonight’s convo. It’s pretty funny as usual.

Later...

I fell asleep around 4 AM last night, and boy was I pissed at 7:45 when I awoke to loud knocking. I thought it was my door, but it was Mark’s friend Lance knocking on his door. I was over there getting Andy more pot and I told him I was royally pissed at being woken up, that I ain’t up that early, so knock softly or on Mark’s bedroom window. I think for the rest of my life I’ll be woken up 1-3 times a week. It just isn’t destined for me to wake up when I want to. Well, it beats being woken up 24/7 in the old project. And never hearing yourself think till midnight-7 AM.

Where is UPS with my packages? Where are my pictures Ma’s supposed to send back? She better send back all 12, too. When are Tammy and Lisa gonna write? She told me a few weeks ago she had letters coming out, so what’s taking so long?

I can’t wait for the rest of my picture collection (of celebs). It’s been two months and a week.

Later...

I just went out to mail a letter to Jayke. The one we worked with at Denny’s in Chicopee. I wrote this letter for Andy when I first got here before I got my own place. He lost her address and he waited for her to write to him and she just did.

On my way back from the mailbox, I saw Albert, Donna’s husband and he said hi. I said hi too, and kept on walking.

I’m gonna be eating dinner at Andy’s at 7 PM. He bought chicken and I supplied the potatoes. He’s very obnoxious to eat with, though. He makes these gross slurping and smacking sounds and it’s pretty impossible to not hear it, even from across the room.

He gave me another tape he no longer wants, so I’ll use it as a blank. I just threw in a CD of Linda’s.

Later...

I’m copying some tapes for Andy and there’s not really much more to say. Only that Fay and I may bring Andy to the airport. Then, on the 3rd when I’ve got to pay SRP and go to welfare and to the store, she may take me.

I went into the Jacuzzi a little while ago. Rick came out on his patio and we said hello to each other. I went up and knocked on their door and no one answered. I said to myself, OK, I’m outa here. They’ve never made any attempts to see me so that pretty much tells me something.

I don’t know what could be going on in their lives and yes, they did seem friendly before, but now I feel like something’s up. Like something’s telling me to just stay away and that it wouldn’t be a wise idea to waste my time with these people.

Andy and Fay are enough for now. Both Andy and I really like Fay. I’ve simply taken so much shit from people and especially the really good-looking people. Rosemarie is a perfect 10 and I swore I’d just hang out with average or below-average-looking people. Also, low-income people.

Well, I just lit my cigarette off the stove. My lighter conked out and I ran out of matches. Nervous quit smoking 8 weeks ago. That’s pretty good but he’s miserable on a daily basis with urges to smoke. Poor guy. But he was getting the beginnings of emphysema.

Later...

Well, I just went to make a collect call to Debbie in Oakwood Knoll and she got her number changed to a non-published one. Barbara never answered. I’m sure they unplug their phone at night. They’re probably thinking, gee she’s all the way in Phoenix and she’s still bothering us! She’s not here to be woken up by us, but she’s gonna wake us up for sure if we don’t unplug our phone at night. A few days ago, I was making collect calls to them and Debbie said my name. I was cracking up afterward.

With my luck, though, they called Tammy or Mary Jane and then Mary Jane called Tammy. If so, Tammy would just say what the fuck do you want me to do about it? But Mary Jane knows how I, Tammy and the rest of my family feel about her and Oakwood Knoll so I think she’d be hesitant to bother. The same goes for Barbara and other tenants. They really drove me up the damn wall there.

Andy will no doubt get a kick out of learning about the new non-published number and about Barbara having to unplug her phone at night. Whenever I call after 10:30 at night there’s no answer and I know they’re there. I’m sure they can’t afford to change their number so they’re willing to deal with it in the daytime. At night they must unplug their phone so as not to be woken up. Meanwhile, they can’t wake me up.

I really must start writing some letters. I need to write to my niece, Tammy and my parents. I will send that cat I drew to Tammy to give to Karen. It came out well. Better than I expected. I have Tammy’s birthday card and my parents’ anniversary card. Next Monday I’ll mail my parent’s card.

What’s taking them so long to send the pictures Andy took? Maybe she’s waiting to show them to Tammy after all. I know she will be there through August 1st – 8th, but when the exact date is they leave and return, beats me. I’m not even sure if they’re driving or flying. I think they’re gonna fly. If Mom does have those pictures when Tammy, Bill and the girls are there, they can all rank on them together. Why is it taking her so long to ship me the rest of my stuff? In a letter to me, she said she’d be shipping them out ASAP. Over the phone, she said it’d take months. She wants me to believe she hasn’t got the money to ship everything at once.

When Andy’s tapes are through, I’m gonna take a walk over with them to his place.

Rosemarie said her birthday is August 6th and I have all those cards ma sent. Half of me says to give her one, but the other half says it wouldn’t look right. Is it a dumb idea? I certainly wouldn’t tell her my mom sent me tons of all kinds of cards, so she’d assume I bought it. But why go out and buy a card for someone you don’t really even know? I think I’ll just go and wish her a happy birthday.

I think I’ll watch Hard Copy and A Current Affair instead. I haven’t seen them all that much lately and I believe Andy has to work tomorrow. If so, he’s gone to bed or is going to bed very soon. Of course, I’ll also watch Candid Camera and the Jane Whitney talk show.

Why are there so many fucking crickets in here? I know they’re harmless, but they sure as hell are annoying. They jump out at you unexpectedly and really make a racket. Current Location: Arizona

0 notes

lovemehatemex0 · 3 months ago

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Tonight was the night!! I had the breakdown where everything hit me at once!

I logged off at a decent time today to you know, take a break. Apparently I shouldn’t have done that because I have 28 emails in my inbox since I logged off at 5:30. & it’s only 11 pm.

& I have the constant feeling I’m going to get sick every 5 seconds because I have so much going on. I can’t eat, I can’t drink coffee, I don’t sleep because I’m constantly thinking & wrapping my head around things. I can’t fucking do it.

I have no one. No one understands what I’m mentally going through. I can’t talk about anything with anyone. & today I found out I get rashes on my chest when I’m stressed, which I never had before. I have a to do list of 30 items tomorrow & I don’t fucking know when I’m going to get to half of it.

I’m trying my hardest. I’m trying with everything in me. But things are only getting harder. I’m not where I want to be in my life nor where I expected to be at 30. I don’t like anyone, I quite literally hate everyone. I think I’m one of those people who are deemed to be alone. Because I don’t think it’s in the cards for me.

& I did fair warn you so here it comes. I’ve been pushing it back farther & farther away from me thinking about it for as long as I could. It’s only eating me alive more recently. The reason why you told me it wouldn’t work, why the hell am I around then if that’s a big thing? Also not to mention that’s a reason that was thrown out of left field & not a major field I was expecting to be a problem because not for nothing if you really wanted it to work, you would, & regardless it’s not my business, but if that’s what happens & you don’t want me to know about it, again, why the hell am I around because apparently I can’t give you that. & yes it does kill me but I don’t talk about it because it’s not my place. I also just hyperventilated so hard I almost needed my inhaler & you know what I don’t have? My inhaler. That’s why I’ve asked you if anything to just tell me how you feel. It would shut me & my thoughts up because then I could just tell myself over & over again what it really is.

I don’t want to be sassed, I don’t want to be yelled at. I’m going through enough shit at the moment & I don’t need something that’s been bothering me since the middle of December to be something that starts an argument & starts something that will end up making me feel guilty in the end. & most importantly I don’t need a text that starts with “first off” tomorrow.

Avery’s mom today asked me for money for the bridal shower. Not to mention I need to pay for a fucking bachelorette. I need to get my dress altered, I need to pay for hair & make up to get done (for both days, the day of the wedding & the rehearsal dinner), I had to pay $900 for a room I’ll be sleeping in by myself. I’m starting to panic. I wanted my bonus to go into my condo fund but I don’t think that’s going to happen.

It also got announced that the new fucking manager will be starting on February 24. & she’s going to be based down in Stamford. Doing what? Who fucking knows. I’m just ready to give up on everything at this point. Even though I did prove my coworker wrong on so many occasions today.

I’ll also most likely get sick again because for an entire meeting today I was sitting next to someone who was coughing their fucking brains out & was out sick the last 3 days.

Okay, well. Now that I’ve been sitting in the lot for 40 minutes, I’ll head home, & I’ll regret everything I said in the morning.

#11:28 pm

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siodium · 5 months ago

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GUESS WHO PASSED THEIR TP TEST TODAY???

i'm thrilled to report that i've just passed my first attempt with 18 points!!! barely made it but a win's a win, right?? i can now apply for a class 3A driver's license and be an absolute menace on the roads yey~ ✌︎（＾＾✌︎

it's also the eve of christmas eve today, so merry christmas to me~ ✩

timeline and stats:

passed BTT on 15/02/2024

started practical lessons on 02/07/2024 and went twice a week for about 2 months

passed FTT on 16/10/2024 (took 2 tries for FTE)

total practical sessions: 24 (including 5 revisions)

⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚ ⋅

i took a session 5 test slot (10:45 am to 12:15 pm). even though the weather forecast said there'd be thundery showers today, i was blessed with clear and sunny skies. it was possibly the most ideal weather to be taking a driving test in.

you wanna know what's freaky though?? the moment i completed my test, it started to drizzle. and it rained throughout the rest of the day?? it felt like the clouds held back for my sake HAHAH. thank you, weather gods. 🙏

my warm-up went super smoothly. i did everything in the circuit so impeccably well that it even surprised me?? my instructor also gave me some last-minute tips for the road component of the test, so i felt pretty relaxed and confident at that point.

this calmness, however, got yeeted off somewhere when the actual test begun at 11:30 am. i could feel the nervousness creeping up on me slowly as i progressed through the test.

ended up raking in quite a bit of points in the circuit for dumb and careless mistakes. on the bright side, i didn't get any immediate failures. i also managed to do corrections for an early turn in directional change (?? never had this issue before), and whatever the heck happened in parallel parking (was so busy checking blind spots that i missed the second sighting point by a ridiculously wide margin?? didn't get points for that bc i parked within the time limit bUT I DID GO "OH SHIT" IN FRONT OF THE TESTER oops).

the entire test took about 30 mins and i was told to wait at the waiting area for my results. for some reason, nobody else was there?? so, i was left alone to stew in my own thoughts. i did consider the possibility that my test was terminated early and i might've failed.

didn't rly have time to go through all five stages of grief before i was called into the tester's room, where my tester proceeded to go through all my mistakes. when i heard him say "you need to brush up on—", i was cERTAIN that i had flunked. it basically implied "try again next time"???

bUT THEN HE TOLD ME I PASSED??? huhhhh (⚆ᗝ⚆) !!

the next few moments went by in a blur bc i was still trying to process reality. i filled up a survey form, cancelled all my remaining practical sessions, closed my bbdc account, and checked my address so they could mail me my driver's license when it was ready.

and that was it. my year-long (almost) journey at bbdc has now concluded, and i had officially graduated from being an L-plater.

i'm so happy to be freed from after-work driving lessons!! they rly took up quite a lot of my time and energy this whole year. my bank account has also been saved from further debilitating financial damages. ngl i was stressiNG over the possibility of having to spend another $380 to retake the test if i had failed.

what an amazing way to end the year~ ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

obligatory list of mistakes:

forgetting to signal - forgot to signal left when i was navigating along the chevron markings after returning to bbdc.

turned into the wrong lane - got bamboozled by dOUBLE roadworks when i was doing a right turn at a controlled T-junction??? i could hear the kahoot music playing the moment i started doing the turn, except instead of 4 options, i've only got 2. it was a 50-50 chance and i got it wrong (red arrow was what i did, and green was the correct path). 🤡

doing a reverse maneuver while doing directional change - i turned too early and felt like my left wheels were going to strike the kerb so i quickly moved forward and adjusted my position.

going too slow outside the school - it's fine to go slow in the circuit, but i've got to match the speed of the traffic flow outside. i was doing 35~45 kmph on a 70 kmph road LOL.

incorrect blind spot checking

abrupt lane change

braked suddenly - this one was my bad bc while entering the s-course, i accidentally stepped on the accelerator hard, thinking it was my brake pedal, and the car surged forward. luckily i reacted in time and jam braked to avoid hitting or going over the kerb. costed me penalty points but anything is better than an immediate failure.

not giving way to car on major road in the circuit - in my defense, that car looked like it wasn't going to move?? so i moved out?? aND THEN THIS GUY DECIDED TO SPEED UP SO HE WAS CLOSE BEHIND ME??

(in case anyone is mathing it, some of my mistakes didn't count into the final point tally bc i got one-time free passes.)

#log #i rewarded myself with a gengar model kit heheh #also got chi a rement as promised but it wAS THE ONE DESIGN I DIDN'T WANT AAA

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pwblogarchive · 10 months ago

Text

June 2007

June 4, 2007

goodbye the longest year of my life.

sometimes i want to blow my head but not in a hottopic kind of way.

i am global warming.

i am toxic.

sometimes i am glad i saved everything for a rainy day.

i am a wish.

i am under your skin.

i love you and life:

separate but never equal.

fuck it.

its all okay.

"Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run..."

posted by xo at 8:05 PM

June 6, 2007

“its easy to get older not so much wiser”

"pooh"

"yes, piglet"

"nothing, i just wanted to be sure of you"...

posted by xo at 8:40 AM

June 7, 2007

“fuck the palm readers, i love mirror breakers.”

i have an obsession with sitting inside a confessional in church and hearing someone else spill their guts for once.

id almost take an oath for it.

get me out of new york.

this city only gets me up to making bad decisions.

love, the last boy.

posted by xo at 10:40 PM

"the christian in christian dior, damn they dont make them like they used to anymore..."

if i bashed your head in how good would the secrets be that poured out.

posted by xo at 4:00 PM

June 9, 2007

“late night snack”

the light splashes in and out. its almost violent. everything rational inside of me tells me that its the dull white of a voicemail. but my eyes are playing tricks on me. i see it purple textured velvet. the tv is blaring whatever. i can see light is sneaking in the cracks everywhere of this suite. like vermin. take a vote, the eyes have it. there is too much space here. between me and everything else in this room. i wish i had a habit bad or not just to pass the time. just trying to fight the big black sadness.

June 9, 2007

“sic transit itum”

Theres an opposite to deja vu. They call it jamais vu. Its when you meet the same people or visit places, again and again, but each time is the first time. Everybody is s stranger. Nothing is ever familiar.

This isn't learning from my mistakes anymore so much as it is damage control. I might as well be trying to paint a house that's on fire.

Posted by xoat 11:33 PM

June 11, 2007

“counting sheep and you.”

tour life has got my fingers spitting from a pornographed philosophers mind. girls with bruises in designer patterns. too full off the diet pills to be hungry for iceburg lettuce and water lite when it shows up. i trapped you in my head a long time ago. i am a treasure chest filled with trash. two orders: one near tears and one beer tears. just put em on my tab.

dont you dare tell me about true fucking love. i spit and punched and blood for it. and now i want to sleep inside of it.

June 12, 2007

“cantsleepcantsleepcantsleep”

dont you feel bad for the suicidal cat thats stuck with 9 lives.

my head only goes from zero to rage.

like a domesticated animal giving into instinct.

carved our names into a tree

and i dont care that i saw it first in some movie.

i think ill always go back and see if it sticks.

i feel like the santa maria. like i got there just after the discovery.

heads like this are gonna go extinct.

posted by xo at 5:53 AM

June 14, 2007

“lullabye.”

everybody is dropping like flies.

the truth is i am a slave to my head and my thoughts, not the other way around.

i am the hand up the skirt of this moment. over underwear, under pants.

under medicated. underwhelmed.

me and you in a not so private corner.

duke it out with our lips and teeth.

ill find the love if its there between your cavities.

dust it off.

its a cold hard ride back from where ive been.

what ive seen.

and what ive done.

or how ive come undone.

apples that make your teeth bleed

love that makes my heart coma-

keep careful count of your tears in that corner-

the market is shit.

they arent going for what they used to.

keep em in a jar-

bury them in a wine cellar.

so you can remember when you felt like just a madman.

im a trust junkie.

i need a fix.

i have so much i want to say. none of it is eloquent or poetic- referencing change and belief- lies and betrayal. how sometimes this ride doesnt feel fun anymore, when the press is controlling it. i will post when i have formulated all of the thoughts. i am tired of constantly defending this, its enough to defend it to the world- but to defend it to believers has drained me. i am only human, a kind of lousy one at that. i am 1/4 of this thing that has felt magical to me for so long. i dont want to lose it. i hope this makes some sense.

i hope i am a boomerang on its way back not some stone sinking in the sea.

thank you to everyone who has stood beside this and me- in both the light and the dark. it means more than a handshake or hug or song,,,

on a good note. the video felt genuinely fun to make. so thank you for taking part in it. the smiles are real.

goodnight.

posted by xo at 11:49 PM

June 17, 2007

“i may be just a dime store prophet. but youre a dollar store whore.”

so i guess i am on the up. thunder on runways cant even kill the boredom. the tips of my fingers bruised from the letters on the typewriter. but if feels so much more final than this. and that is why i love it. and i said the last time i was put in handcuffs it was over a can of spraypaint. she said 'someday i want to spraypaint with you". and that is why i love her. in a backyard, lying on the couch on a sunday kind of way. one that is not explained or thought out. but runs up the back of your legs to the back of your head and crashes out of my mouth whenever you show up. what keeps your head together when you feel the tilt and spin of the world. what keeps those club jaws grinding in between the trips to the bathroom. the best week never. theyre taking stabs at me while im leaning and yawning, but sometimes YOU get through. pinpricks become blackholes and i feel my moods pulled into them. whats up with my obsession with your obsessions. been writing so much lately the paper is starting to add up. theres a part of me that wants to take a match to it sometimes late at night- the same part inside that cant walk next to balconies for fear that i am going to jump off of them.

i can make a mess of anything. but its strange to say when a stranger can bring you peace. you just swaying in the heat of the meet and greet. a face and a voice i dont know. just a tap on the shoulder and a "keep your chin up" from you. but there was a kindness there that brought me back. thank you.

June 19, 2007

so obvious but: i fucking hate this sugar free low carb diet world. i want the wild fucking west. i want love in handcuffs. i want more scars. i dont want this fucking future. meth bake sales to lower global warming. sweat shop work to burn calories. i hope this ship burns before it sinks. i hope this planes air goes bad before it crashes. i dont want this to be an affair anymore, i want to walk down the aisle with catastrophe. lets go to hell just for the weekend. your happiness is making me miserable. waste the time of my life. and if that mocking bird wont sing, im gonna buy you a diamond ring.

i only feel in love on the stage and on the side of a pillow. everything in between just makes me wish myself to pieces. please dont put me back together, keep me in a box under your bed.

June 20, 2007

i hate explaining my own interpretations to people. id rather you come up with your own- but this one seems to be pretty glaring....

there is a distinct difference between the idea "seasons change, but people dont" and the idea "everyone changes". this difference is simply the connotations of the two. in the former: the idea is brought forth that there are certain parts of you that are inherently there. forever. whether they are a part of your DNA or how you were raised- they are so deep and solidly rooted they cannot change. to me these are your ideals, your morality, your internal monologue. they remain constant though are defined differently as your mind and heart mature. to simplify, people who are kind have something switched on within them that will not change. on the other extreme malicious people will always be malicious. not to say there isnt gray area between the two- where someone who is kind can act maliciously and vice versa. obviously there are more rare examples where something can impact someone in such a tremendous way that it will cause a deep change in them. these remain constant through celebrity, through tragedy, through happiness, through loss. i can feel certain things in myself and ways that i know i will always feel- no matter what else changes around me. if you read my actual diary entries from when i was 14 to now, while the language and subject matter has changed- and hopefully has gotten a bit better. my subconscious impacting me and my decisions seems to remain faithful. however, what was meant by the latter "everyone changes, i used to be tiny", is the idea of growing up. honestly, i am not who i was a year ago or 5 years ago or 10 years ago. i think i would hate myself if i never changed. this is an experiment more than anything. if new cultures, people, and art didnt impact me and change me than this would be fraudulent. we expect any of our fans who have been with us from the beginning have grown and changed. i hope most of these changes are for the better, though i know i am human and make mistakes. sometimes i turn right when i should have turned left. but anything you loved or hated about me from the beginning have not changed- these are the things that make us each different from each other and either magnetize or polarize from others.

June 22, 2007

“the AMERICAN dayDREAMer - die-a-tribe”

when they rip the tickets i hope im on the ride with you. sleepless in seattle and pretty much everywhere else- wont bore you with the details, but actually i probably will. you dont have to be a train to come off track. dont have to have feathers to flee the coop. i dont gotta tell you about my adventures, i keep them in my head and forget them and remember them every once in awhile. i watch them on projector screens while you are talking about your magazine or countdown. were flypaper baby- but nothings sticks. molded from teflon and porcelain. doesnt take much shining around for you to want to get back under that rock you crawled out from. i found a point when i was searching for pointlessness. i found a love when i was looking for madness. gonna save your sweat for when we get to heaven. autocratic hearts and throats- tongues loving on the skin and words- listening too carefully and robbing them of their beauty. you only think im blooming when im wilting on the outside. dying to be dearly forgotten, not wrongly remembered. florescent yellow in the toilet bowl. i love holding strangers hands, pulses matching, beating just off the p.a. speakers. you dont have to sell me on how this isnt real, cause my guts are whats in deep not my head or my heart. sometimes i get the feeling when i walk into a room like im in some movie from the forties where ive been shipwrecked and marooned on a desert island, only to return to a life that is no longer mine. or maybe just a raft adrift, except i slept through the s.o.s. calls. the caveman frozen in ice analogy works as well, only i am too lazy to transcribe it. im projecting. im bobbing and weaving. im deflecting. only cos i want to mean more than all of this. i lost it at woodrow and nichols, brakes ground to my teeth. just a kid strung out on neon lights

June 26, 2007

dear man in the mirror: get over yourself.

i love it when people wonder how its gonna end.

my right hand is fucked.

boxers fracture im pretty sure and a cut down the front that we super glue every night.

if i shake you yr hand with my left thats why.

im clumsy-

with both actions and words.

what happens in vegas stay in vegas except for when brendon hit me with a bowling ball.

deaths just the other bookend on this thing, so who cares.

posted by xo at 12:28 AM

June 28, 2007

The world is your oyster, what does that mean? That I'm just grinding sand waiting to be sucked down by box dye blondes and chased with hynotik. .... dumb-luck, but there's no such thing as smart luck. Think It got us kicked out of vegas. Happy as a clam but how happy can clams be? Dreaming of being steamed or robbed of their only worldly possession, pearls, sounds like a total soccer mom fantasy- only with upscale spas and mugger fantasies. I am a starfish waiting to regenerate a point. Till then, I am kind of pointless. I got a bad rap for not caring but I still pay taxes and wear my seat-belt in back seats- though I'm considering changes. I am a fixer-upper. Feeling the buzz but too far off the hive for any of the other bees to get it. And man I gotta tell you, the years are like friends in your old hometown. They stop being so friendly. They only want to reminisce. And no matter what they keep moving and changing you whether you want them to or not. The doctor says I need to stop talking with my fist and do more talking with my mouth. I told him I was never too great at that either- that it was usually my mouths talking that had to get my fist involved in the conversation. He said well then I had better start throwing a good left or hope I can play bass one handed. Neither seems too reasonable right now. Thinking maybe I should just stop all together. I order every movie in hotel rooms just so I don't feel alone. Its a very home alone moment for me, you know without the holiday music and cute culkin looks, but I'm hoping you are catching my drift anyway. Yes, for those who wonder there are other journals online. Sometimes I kind of leave bread-crumbs to get home to them for you. Sometimes I just space out. I also have a pen and paper diary and some letters and what not that I have been typing on my typewriter. I've been working on other visual art too, nothing I like well enough to show anyone. Its more for my own piece of mind. Drive, fuck, and sleep safe. I'd like to know that you awaken in the morning with out a headache or blurry eyes. Love is in the air, just get ourselves the right equipment to grab it. Its like moths headed for the brightest light, which aint me. But I'm ready to sweat and run and get there. And just cause you got a scar on your wrist or a charcoal stomach, were supposed to get eachother? Cause I don't really even get me. I'm too busy calling everyone else crazy- in these late slurred debates on how everyone else is not exactly like us- to worry about you calling me crazy. Tho all the other rhymes for crazy work on me lazy, hazy, etc.

someone has some great pictures of this past week. if i find any, ill post some.

June 28, 2007

from pete's friends or enemies blog

June 28, 2007

“the pretend”

i never really appreciate the compliments people give me. i feel like people say them because they feel like they have to- "youre hot"- except in my head i dont see myself that way so it doesnt mean a thing. "you played great tonight"- except i probably didnt because its not really my thing. "i love your words"- except they only make sense to me out of patricks mouth. "i love you"- but you wouldnt if you knew me. and so on.

but the other day my friend told me: "you have an incredible sense of the pretend". and it made me shake. just in the way that its all i believe. i dont care too much for the ins and outs of the world we are inside. i like the one in my head far better. it is not chronological or pragmatic. but it meant alot to me.

as did this...

so i cant fully remember writing this entry. that is because my brain is scattered and resets all of the time. the only thing i save room for are faces and memories. maybe it is a collection of entries. but apparantly someone cared enough to remember or patch together an entry from a year ago... so thank you (i think they made little changes or additions here and there). its funny because i am in vancouver all over again, it rings so much more true now.

"and like florence nightingale and nurses through history. we fall in love with those were protecting and curing. we dream big and then wake up everyday and hunch over computer screens. and everytime we let our fingers go it amounts to a little more than the worlds smallest violin paying just for you. here i am half asleep between vancouver and salt lake city. can't remember the last time i had a conversation with you that wasn't from between the dotted lines of the highway. i don't want sheep or parrots. i feel like we have a vested interest in each other. it's love of sorts. you were there in the beginning, you've stuck around when everyone else climbed aboard, i hope you're there when it's gone. for all the times we've come off course, you have always served as a compass. steady. unforgiving. at times hard to find. but you were always there. this probablly isn't worth your time to read. but as long as you do we'll keep playing small, secret shows. we'll keep writing this. we'll keep ignoring what they say. this is we- everyone- the haters, the newbies, the so, the ckk, ock. a collective [[sigh of relief]]. everyone always asks what's the cure of growing up? this is it. it's you. the smiling faces screaming and 'doging' security in the front row. the kid that waits outside after the show until their hands are blue just to say hi. don't ever let me fucking forget it. we don't deserve this. but now that we got it. we will do our best to keep it like a kiss in the corner of our mouths. for our heads to your speakers, to your ears, to your mouths, to you, your fingers, to us, to our mistakes, to our heads and back. the new songs are coming. what if for one moment we became everyone we dreamed we could be? there is a buzzing from outside of this darkened room. as though if i walked down the hallway past their sleeping faces, red in the warmth of the afternoon. i would walk into the first day of my life. light gleaming off the windshield- like the wizard of oz after the color washes over everything. like i could start all over again- only with the same faces that are imprinted on my heart forever. and my same bed. and dogs. and ex- loves. and friends. save your troubles for another day, they wern't at the end of the hallway. baby boy, you're too busy writing tragedy to notice. we're shaping up to do big things. and you're nothing special. except.. what if you are? "

posted by xo at 8:01 PM

June 29, 2007

as did this...

June 30, 2007

I have a new girlfriend

The iphone.

posted by xo at 4:46 PM

#fall out boy #pete wentz #livejournal

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