#it's not like i've given him much else to do

[mwphisto]

I’m not sensitive!

Pairings include: Xavier x Reader | Rafayel x Reader | Zayne x Reader | Sylus x Reader | Caleb x Reader

Warning, this post includes: breast play, nipple play, breast kissing, nipple kissing / licking / and biting

A/N: as a girlie that was convinced her boobs we’re not sensitive, I present you this lmao. Of course, it is totally normal for your breasts to not be sensitive and for you to not be into breast play!!!! I am just writing based on my own experiences, and even then, it can be a 50/50 for me lol. Bigger chest = less sensitivity from what I've heard, but it's different for everyone! Much love!!

Moving Banners from @cafekitsune | LaDs men banner by me!

Xavier

A lazy weekend afternoon, comfy clothes, lots of snacks, and some cheesy horror movies playing on Xavier's TV screen. You were more engulfed in each other than anything else, the conversation flowing naturally as you lounged against the armrest of his couch.

"I'm serious, they're not sensitive." Your feet rest on his lap, his long fingers gently stroking up and down the skin of your calf. "I highly doubt it." Xavier countered with ease, blue eyes sparkling as a smirk curled his lips. "I just think you haven't met the right person."

Some way, somehow, the conversation had turned towards intimacy. What parts of you were sensitive, what parts weren't, the whole nine. Tension had been growing, but neither of you were willing to bite just yet. Even as you fought the urge to squeeze your thighs.

"The right person, huh? You're saying you can prove me wrong?"

You boldly proclaimed your breasts were not sensitive, your nipples not all that appealing to yourself when you had time alone. You didn't really touch them, like ever, even when masturbating.

"I believe I can give it my best shot..." Xavier started, using one finger to trail up towards your knee. "... that way, we can be positive that it's not... user error." He grins, something boyish and full of mischief and dammit you're a goner. "Well, you have my permission, Xavi."

Just like that, he's tugging your legs as he lunges. Crushing his lips to yours in a bruising kiss. The hand that had been playing with your ankles and calves now splayed over your exposed thigh. Sneaking under your lounge shorts and reaching up towards your underwear.

His other hand snuck under your hoodie - one you had stolen from him - and didn't stop until he cupped one bare breast. "No bra?" a murmur against your lips, he didn't give you a chance to answer before his tongue was slipping into your mouth.

You arched into his touch, the warmth of his hand against your skin making your lips tremble as you tried to keep up with Xavier's needy kisses. He squeezes, not hard enough to hurt but enough to elicit a gasp, a triumphant smirk already curling his lips.

"See... you needed the right person." Saliva keeps you connected as he pulls away, blue irises nearly devoured by his dilated pupils. "The right person with the best touch..." His thumb and pointer finger find your nipple, squeezing it a few times experimentally.

A gasp flees you, body jerking away from the shock of pleasure that zapped up your spine. You'd tried this before, when you had been so convinced that playing with a woman's chest was a key part of her arousal, and you had been so disappointed when nothing really... happened.

Now, Xavier was doing all the things you had tried and quickly given up on, and he was getting the reactions you craved. "Xavier h-how... oh!" You're panting as he rolls the bud between his fingers, adding more stimulation by sucking along your jaw. "You just needed the right person to prove you wrong." it's muffled against your skin, a sigh of annoyance leaving him a second later.

"Take this off." All at once, he leaves you. Just long enough to yank the hoodie up and over your head.

“Let’s try this…” Xavier wasted no time, not bothering to tease you by lingering his kisses. The cool air of his apartment caused your nipples to harden, and Xavier was quick to pull one of the buds into his awaiting mouth.

Your head fell back, hands shooting to grab his head as a feeble cry of his name fled your lips. Heat pooled deep in your belly, leaking slowly and ruining your underwear. You didn’t think it was possible for your breasts to feel this way, never mind for it to cause such a reaction to the rest of you.

“X-Xavier, fuck me, please.”

“Someone’s eager.” He lets go of your nipple with a slick pop, a cocky grin now sneaking up his lips. “I’ve barely got to have my fun, you need to be patient Ms. I’m not sensitive.” You want to punch him and kiss him all at once.

Rafayel

A study of anatomy, sketching various bodies in various shapes, colors, and sizes. You couldn't even pinpoint how or when the conversation switched to personal weak spots, but... "What about your chest? Most people list their chest as a sensitive spot."

"Not me." You pout a bit, hands coming up to cup your chest before meeting Rafayel's eyes. "Maybe I'm just broken."

Your chest had never been all that sensitive from what you could tell. You'd tried a handful of times to make it feel as good as it looks, books, movies, and even porn videos put so much focus on stimulating a woman's breast that you assumed it had to feel good.

And when it fell flat? You had concluded your breasts were simply less sensitive than others. "You're certainly not broken." Rafayel sets his sketchpad down, pushing up from his seat on the floor to stalk towards where you had been lounging on his bed.

"Your body is way more responsive to someone else's touch opposed to your own." You feel your eyebrows raise, glancing between where he towered above you and where his hand was heading. "Can I show you? Or perhaps, prove my theory?" Your tongue darts out to wet your bottom lip, nodding a little to fast for your liking.

Rafayel sits himself down on the edge of his bed, a hand sliding over the thin material of your tank top. "You get too lost in your own head, of course, you won't be able to focus on how good it can feel." And your breathing stutters as his hand gingerly cups your right breast.

"Just relax, I've got you." As Rafayel speaks, he gently kneads the pliant flesh, silently noting that your nipples harden under his touch. "I-I just see these girls that can't go braless because their nipples are so sensitive and it just doesn't ma-oh!" Rafayel cuts you off by using his pointer and middle finger to squish the prominent bud.

"Ah-ah, what did I say about relaxing? Just enjoy..." Heat is starting to seep into your cheeks, your hand coming up instinctively to clutch Rafayel's wrist as he toys with your breast.

"They're so pretty, can I lift this up?" he's using his free hand to tug at the elastic material of your tank top, smirking when you nod your approval. "Atta girl, let me see these beauties...shit." His cheeks are turning pink, pupils dilating wide as he uses his other hand to cup your neglected left breast. "Fuck, they're so perfect."

You want to open your mouth and retaliate, but you think they are far from perfect. But you swallow it, knowing better than to dare contradict him when it comes to statements about your beauty. "And so responsive, see what happens when you listen to me?"

He seals the deal with a pinch, tugging both of your perked nipples between his thumb and pointer fingers before leaning down to kiss your sternum. "So damn beautiful." Another kiss, one closer to your right breast. "And so not broken, don't ever say that again."

This time, the kiss lands on your nipple, and you're mewling, cheeks burning hot as you clutch his wrist just a little tighter. Rafayel doesn't pull away this time, instead he removes his hand completely so he can suck the now-sensitive bud between his lips.

You're not sure how long he stays on you like that, but you know your panties are drenched and your nipple is swollen by the time Rafayel finally eases up. "Can I?" he swallows, chest heaving as he looks at your chest. He needs to mark them first and then sketch them.

"Can I fuck these after I show you how sensitive they can be?"

Zayne

You loved watching him type his reports, finding his meticulous typing to be both adorable and hot. Maybe it was just because you were so deeply in love with him, but dammit you could watch Zayne work all day. So, when he dragged over a human anatomy chart while typing on a patient file, you felt the need to pop the question.

"Zayne?" You sounded hesitant uttering it, so naturally, Zayne's attention was immediately focused on you. "Is something wrong?" Immediately, you wanted to swallow your words. "I-Uh, no, but I just kinda... had a question." You feel like you're going to die.

"Go on." He relaxed a bit, a telling sign that he could see your anxiety and wanted you to feel comfortable. "Ah, well." You look away, swallowing the lump in your throat before trying again. "I was just wondering if it was normal for... for breasts to not be sensitive."

The surgeon's eyebrow twitches upwards at that, and now you really want to melt into the chair you had been lounging in.

"Well, medically speaking, yes. It depends on the person. Sometimes chest size factors into sensitivity; sometimes it really doesn't. But, overall, it's pretty normal and fairly common...why?" Concluding his answer, Zayne seemed to really process what you were asking.

You felt a tad relieved upon hearing that it wasn't a one-in-a-million chance that you deemed your chest to be lacking sensitivity. "Oh, well, my breasts aren't all that sensitive, I kind of worried it wasn't normal, you know?" Zayne nodded, ears turning a shade of red. "Many forms of media have set unrealistic expectations."

"Tell me about it. I really felt self-conscious." You were ready to resume your lounging, but Zayne was still eyeing you.

"Would you like me to perform an exam?"

You swallow, eyes widening in surprise, but your head is moving faster. A nod escapes you before you can stop it, clearing your throat, you add, "That would be great, actually. I'd appreciate it."

Somehow, you're shirtless and braless on Zayne's exam table. The cool air of his office makes your nipples pebble. "They look perfect." He states it plainly, leaving no room for debate, even as your cheeks begin to burn. With skilled hands, the surgeon cups both of your bare breasts in his hands, kneading and squeezing meticulously.

The sensation sends a shrill of arousal straight to your tummy, and you find yourself gripping the edge of the exam table. "It's also quite common for your brain to pick a side. If you squeeze your own breast, your brain may focus more on what your hand is feeling rather than your chest." He squeezes them both to send the point home.

"And..." Zayne's head lowers, a gentle kiss placed on the top of each breast before he squeezes your nipples. "... different forms of stimulation can really shake things up."

In the blink of an eye, your back is against the cool leather of his exam table. The same table is now creaking as Zayne climbs up on it with you. "Z-zayne, what are you-" But his mouth descends on your breasts again, and suddenly all words die on your tongue.

His nose drags along your skin, inhaling your scent before suckling on one of your nipples. His hand comes up to toy with your other breast, determined to not let it go neglected during his exam.

"Some women find breast stimulation to be more effective when..." he swallows, angling himself so his free hand can slide down your stomach and towards the waistband of your pants. "...vaginal stimulation is provided at the same time."

Sylus

"Your chest is pretty sensitive, huh, Sy?" Your fingers dance lazily across his pecs, watching his expression for any signs. Sure enough, his brows pinch together briefly before relaxing again. "I guess you could say that." A gentle murmur, one that is full of exhaustion despite his eyes scanning over the pages of a book.

You were both supposed to be sleeping, but some days this was the only time you two could really spend time together. Snuggled into the crook of his arm, you found your brain wandering.

"Why are you asking, anyway?" his finger marks the spot he left off on, carmine eyes sliding to look down at where you peered up at him. "I just wish my chest was as sensitive as yours." You said it almost dreamily, as if you didn't realize what that statement did to him.

"Your breasts aren't sensitive?" Sylus countered, the book in his hand being tossed onto the nightstand so he could focus everything on you. "No, not really. I've tried but... nothing really works. I don't get how girls get so worked up when their breasts are touched."

He seemed to think it over for a moment, a small smirk curling his lips. "Do you care if I try something before you come to such a conclusion?" He turns towards you, his free hand resting on your shoulder and pushing you to your back. “You know what? Sure, go ahead. I doubt the outcome will change what I said.”

A little bit of defiance, sure. But Sylus caught the hint of sadness too. Now, he was even more determined.

"Don't be so quick..." His hand cups your breast through the silk of your nightgown, eliciting a small gasp. "...to doubt me, kitten." He's warm, hands that are honed to kill are now gentle as they massage your breast tenderly. "Just relax, let me take care of you."

Your lips are wobbling as he tugs the silky material down, letting both of your breasts spill out for his viewing pleasure. "If it doesn't work, if this doesn't feel good..." he pushed upwards, hovering above you slightly so he could lower his head and begin kissing your chest. "...I'll make it up to you in a way I know you love."

He tugs a nipple into his mouth, and you're arching off the mattress, the sudden sensation making your eyes water. The idea of not being sensitive has simply given Sylus the green light to be rougher.

"Sylus!" Your fingers curl into his hair, tugging as he bites down on the pebbled bud. His tongue lathers your nipple a moment later, soothing any pain from his bite. He lets go a second later, saliva connecting him to your breast even with the new distance.

"Let me..." he's tugging at your nightgown again, instead of your neckline, he's shoving the bottom hem up towards your stomach. "...fuck you while I do this. Nothing but the best, right?" Fuck, your head was spinning, legs parting as you welcomed his offer.

"I'll make you feel so good, promise." Sylus' lips are back on your breasts, kneading and sucking as he fishes his cock out with his free hand. "Sylus, I need you, now." dammit, maybe he was right. Your mind was going fuzzy from the attention he was giving you.

"I know, and you have me. Just..." he's nudging your entrance, sending you into a spiral as he bites down on your nipple and pushes himself inside. A shrill cry leaves your lips, hands gripping his biceps in a feeble attempt to remain grounded.

"Stick with me, Kitten. We've got a long night ahead, I need to be thorough with my research."

Caleb

You were lying on Caleb's bed, phone held high as you scrolled mindlessly. Caleb lies beside you, reading through some pilot magazine you had picked up at the convenience store earlier. A video on your feed has your mind going, chewing on on your inner cheek as you ponder your question out loud.

"I wonder what it's like to have a sensitive chest?"

"You uh... You asking me that, pip?" Caleb was caught off guard, one eyebrow twitching upwards as he turned his head just enough to look at you. Realizing your mistake, you can't help but laugh out of embarrassment. "More so talking to myself."

"Your chest isn't... sensitive?" Caleb jumps right to the point, suddenly more intrigued with your answer now that the initial surprise has worn off. "No, not really. I mean, I've tried like everything and it just doesn't... do all that much."

"Like doesn't feel good at all? Or just not what you expected?" The magazine is long forgotten, Caleb is rolling onto his side to really study you. "I guess... not as good as I hoped? I just feel like they're not as sensitive as they could be." You attempt to shrug it off, but Caleb doesn't seem to want to let it go.

"Can I... give it a shot, pip?" And suddenly it all clicked into place. You click your phone off, tossing it to the side and sighing. "By all means, Caleb. Have your fun." Like a dog who just got praised, Caleb is quick to get to work. Not bothering with touching you over your shirt. In one motion, he has tugged the clothing up and over your bare chest.

"Let's see..." calloused fingers are running up your stomach, his eyes focused on the way your nipples harden due to the exposed air. "...it's not odd for breasts to lack sensitivity." Even as he speaks, goosebumps erupt over your skin. "But sometimes, you just need the right touch to prove you wrong."

Gingerly, your right breast is cupped in his warm embrace, earning a sharp inhale as you flicker between his hand and face. "And hands aren't always what is needed." His head is descending on your chest before you can process it, a shrill cry of his name leaving your lips as he nips at the fat of your chest.

"Different sensations invoke different responses." A lick to soothe the bruise he had made. His tongue is wet and warm as it trails up to your nipple. "Some prefer ice..." a lick "...some prefer heat or wax" a kiss directly on top of the pebbling bud. "Others like tickling." His nose nuzzles it before pulling back. "And others like pain."

Caleb's teeth sink into your nipple, and your back arches off the mattress. "It's all up to you, whatever you deem best." You're seeing stars, a whimper leaving your lips as you guide his hand over to your neglected breast. "Just make me feel good, please."

"At your service, pip."

[rivereverie]

All excellent points. It's extremely impressive how well he's able to maintain a new relationship and care for someone else given all he has going on at the time, and its a testament to his heart, in my opinion.

I often see people push back against the idea that Astarion can be sweet and soft because of his harsher facets. He's allowed to be both. His bloodthirstiness does not erase his gentleness. His anger and bitterness do not negate his playfulness and caring. Nor is the inverse true; he's not a passive little kitten who has never done anything wrong. He's a complex person, but beyond that, he's just a person, period. People are never one thing.

All this is one of the reasons I love him so much; going through the hell he endured does not make someone kind. It's the sort of crushing conditions that can easily make people so bitter and toxic to the people around them. The fact that he maintained the light within himself through all those decades where Cazador tried to systematically crush every last good thing in him... that's a miracle. He's a miracle. Because despite having every reason not to, his life experience stacked against him, he still has so much kindness and softness inside. He still cares. I don't think he's exactly well-adjusted, even by the epilogue. I'm sure it will take him the rest of his life to heal, and he and his partner will have a lot to work through in their relationship. These things take work and effort, and though I'm sure Astarion would struggle with many parts of being in a relationship, he would put in the effort necessary to work on it. He's shown numerous times that he cares and is surprisingly proactive about the relationship. He's willing to self-examine and change, like OP said in regards to his behavioral checking and minding old habits. I'm sure he'd have plenty of bad days where he pushes his partner away and says hurtful things he doesn't mean when he's triggered or overwhelmed, but that doesn't mean he's not loving and willing to work on things. I also think his reaction to his partner becoming illithid is completely valid and realistic. The fact that he's so willing to even try to make it work honestly shows how he open and accepting he is, even in the face of you become one of the things your party has been fighting against and hating for the entire game. The man is going through a lot, and dealing with his love becoming a tentacled beast is just one more item in his list of things to process, and I'm sure it hurts. Let him have time to grieve and process. I've said this before, but Astarion is arguably the least judgmental of all the companions, which seems at odds with his nature. Until you realize it's just proof of how caring and empathetic he has the capacity to be, deep down, despite his best efforts to pretend otherwise. Anyway, it bothers me when people argue against portraying his softness and caring as being non-canon or unrealistic, just because he has a harsh, bloodthirsty, vengeful, self-serving side as well. Both are canon. Both are true. Both are equally important to his identity. He contains multitudes and that's exactly what makes him such a compelling character.

just thinking about astarion is SUCH a sweet partner? like this man was barely an adult elf when he was turned, and spent the next 200 years being abused by cazador, but like

- as the durge character, he'll be accepting and talk about your mental health and reassure you

- he'll insist on staying with your half illithid character, saying you shouldnt make his choices for him if you try to leave to protect him

- also just the dichotomy of him being explicitly vain and also explicitly not shallow is very sweet

- in that one lathanders light scene, he'll tell you he appreciates you trying to fix your mistake after you caused him IMMENSE pain

- he'll empathize with and support you if you swear your body to haarlep, noting how he's been through similar and is sorry you're going through it

- hes not jealous, his issues with sharing seem to largely come from if he thinks the other party would be okay with it (like he thinks lae'zel would spear him lol), and when someone like halsin comes along he'll happily consent

- on that note, he grows enough to be comfortable asking for support and reassurance instead of possessiveness/jealousy (not that these are the only options for that scenario, but astarions seen a lot of possessiveness in his life and its wonderful how much he avoids replicating it)

- he will always attack cazador in the final confrontation if cazador starts verbally abusing you instead of him

- he puts in the work to set boundaries that allow him to engage in an intimate (emotionally, physically, but not sexually) romantic relationship with tav and apologizes for "using" him before, when his behavior was SO understandable. and also he manipulated tav by having... consensual enjoyable sex lol. he might have ulterior motives but he never actually tries to use his sexual relationship with tav to manipulate him into doing anything

- you learn how astarion felt for Sebastian and how tender he was

- you learn about the first boy astarion couldnt bear to bring to cazador, the one he called soft and sweet (or something like that) and then was punished horribly for a straight year for it

- even when you turn to a half illithid, his main concern is you losing your agency

- if you are a full illithid, at the end of the game, some people complain about him not being ride or die, but i think he shows REMARKABLE willingness and support. what he cares about most is that you are still you, and how is he supposed to know for sure? i think asking him to stay with a type of being known for manipulation and mind control after everything he went through with cazador IS A HUGE FUCKING ASK. and he doesnt even write you off immediately? thats a lot of love right there

- if you arent illithid, he will double-check you want to plan a future with him still, and only once you affirm this will he express how badly he wants it. he's actively avoiding trying to manipulate you even

and probably more stuff im just not thinking of off the top of my head. obviously this is about the spawn route vs. ascended, but im just constantly amazed that despite EVERYTHING astarion has gone through, probably centuries without a healthy, loving relationship or even examples of that nearby, he still defaults to being kind, empathetic, and caring as soon as he gets the chance

like sure, he might be minorly evil and self-serving but personally i think thats the least he deserves

more importantly, the boys from astarions past give us a rare window into what he was like before turning into a vampire—he was gentle, empathetic lover. he was kind, he was protective. and as soon as he has the space to start looking for himself again, he goes RIGHT back to that behavior. he even self-checks for his "manipulation" and tries to correct for it

it just shatters my heart and then puts it back together hes such a wonderfully written character. astarion is allowed to be lovely AND furious and vengeful and maybe its just my raised-catholic ass, but its SO cathartic to see that a forgiveness arc is never pushed for his abuser

[elodieunderglass]

Hi, hello, I'm sending you a weird not quite ask that you can feel free to tuck deep into the recesses of your inbox and never look at if it's too weird.

But I've been thinking about Killie. Again. Which is odd, because I'm not the blorbo rotating type. I'm happy enough to watch other people play in their sandboxes, but I just...don't. Fandom. The way people normally do on this site. So, I was wondering why your horrible horseboy is so beloved and such an infohazard to anyone who comes across him, and I think I hit on it. At least for me.

You don't shy away from two things in your telling of him: that he's kinda awful in some ways, and that he's deeply loved. He's a horrible little gremlin with bad lungs and worse social skills who bites, and he's LOVED.

As kind of an awful person myself (*this isn't self deprecating, gimme a sec), who's not at all okay with the idea of dying alone and unloved, Killie and your depiction of him is soothing.

*I'm not awful because I choose to be, and I know I have a lot of good qualities even if it takes my therapist bullying me into recognizing that I do, but due to both disability and just life in general, I'm sometimes not a pleasant person to be around. I'm irritable quite often, and I'm flaky even when I'm doing my absolute best not to be, and I'm overly sensitive sometimes, and don't know how to talk to people without talking about myself and trying to relate it back to them, and I'm messy...it's hard to imagine anyone loving me.

But even though Killie is a fictional character, there's enough 'loved in spite of and also for his flaws as much as his virtues' that helps me reroute the worst of those thoughts into something a little healthier.

So thank you? I think? Yeah. Thank you for your horrible horseboy and his long-suffering but steadfast partner.

(in reference to killie the horrible horseboy OC)

thank you so much for this. far from not looking at it, I have looked at it a lot. It made me think very hard and (hopefully very well) about what I'd like Throw Your Heart Over to be about, and what I'd like it to achieve for people. You remind me that, while it's all fun, what's most important is to be brave and true.

You are so very brave and true. I admire you very much for being so brave and true. I am humbled by it. It is a big, big thing and I don't quite know what to say. I think it is reductive and unhelpful to say things like there's someone for everyone! everyone deserves to be loved! when we live in a world where that doesn't happen, nor does everyone want to be partnered, nor does everyone want to be given to someone else as a partner. it's an automatic reflex when someone says "I don't feel lovable for these reasons," for other people to be dismissive of the reasons - as if that's helpful - or to instantly say "someone will love you!", as if there has simply been a administrative mistake in the assignation of one's soulmate. But that reflex doesn't do much good. Firstly, it's true that there are reasons that make love less easy for people, and pretending that love isn't work just makes people who don't get enough love feel rubbish. Secondly, there is no mechanism in the universe by which people are assigned their very own partner (and believing that there is can make people crunched-up and hurtful, if they're having trouble finding one.) So yeah! It probably IS hard to imagine finding someone! And that's okay! It means making your imagination stronger! Beefing up your imagination! getting your imagination buff and built! (insert montage of Killie attempting to lift weights with his mind.)

so I made this with you in mind, though I'm not sure it's all that I wanted to say. it was something about your fears might be true, but your hopes might be too; and in the event of someone loving you, you'll know that you will have something tremendously special, because you'll both have to be VERY brave and true with each other. and because of this, you will have a lot of evidence to show yourself how loved you are. You might be hard work, but to someone who loves you, it will be good work. and no weird ghosty worries, with or without antlers, or even your own self-doubts, will be able to take away how real that work will be.

I think you sound tremendously lovable. I think you make a great difference to the world. Thank you for making me more brave and true.

[neuroticbookworm]

Lessons from Heesu in Class 2 finale

One of the things I've really loved about Heesu in Class 2 is that the show has always made its characters speak their thoughts to each other. Clear communication is usually not a forte of teenagers, but the way it is done in the show feels realistic, while also modelling good conflict resolution for the teens.  Chanyoung just fleeing the room after hearing Heesu's confession was hurtful to Heesu in the moment but completely understandable from Chanyoung's perspective because he was completely taken aback by the confession and needed time to process it. And when he did, he called Heesu into *his* safe place, the tennis court, and smacked Heesu a little for putting him on the spot like that. Once Chanyoung had exhausted his anger and frustration, he expressed his regret for not reacting better in the moment, which released the tension and gave way to them falling into their normal rapport of teasing each other. 

And as the scene progresses, we learn that Chanyoung not only took the time to process Heesu's past feelings for him and how he feels about it, he then thought about and figured out the reason for Heesu's emotional turmoil beyond the information Heesu had given him in that room. He realized that Heesu must’ve confessed to him not because he wanted to pursue him romantically, but because he is interested in somebody else and was seeking closure on his past crush on his best friend. He surprises Heesu by asking him if he likes Seungwon, and when he learns that Heesu has not told Seungwon yet, he pushes him to confess to Seungwon, much like how Jiyu was pushing Seungwon to do the same in the previous episodes.

I really loved how the show took the time to flesh out these characters, making them multidimensional and complex. Chanyoung’s subpar reaction to his friend coming out to him does not make him selfish, it makes him human. And expecting Chanyoung to tone down his extremely valid emotions to make himself palatable to his friend in a moment of discomfort between them would be hypocritical, especially when that expectation is framed as well-intentioned towards a queer character.

And the show’s commitment to modelling good communication was also reflected in Seungwon’s confession to Heesu. Over the course of the show, the carrot juice box went from something that made Heesu curious about his secret admirer, to an object that was in the middle of an effort to forcibly out him to his classmates and friends. Seungwon initiating his confession with that juice box recontextualized all of his actions throughout their friendship to Heesu, and he was rightfully angry at Seungwon for letting the ruse go on for so long. Heesu was mad at the disingenuity and the meddling of it all: Seungwon secretly liking him from Day 1 of their friendship means that he has always had more information about things happening to Heesu than Heesu himself. It is humiliating to know that every interaction you’ve had with a person you’ve considered a friend had hidden motivations.

But Heesu also understands why Seungwon did it; it is the same reason why it took him so long to confess to Chanyoung. Seungwon telling Heesu that he’s really sorry for lying but he did it because he likes him too is not lacking in explanation because we know that Heesu would understand exactly what he means, because he did the same thing with Chanyoung. Both of them meddled in their crushes’ lives in hopes that they would magically fall in love with them because the thought of confessing to them directly and getting rejected romantically as a queer teen was too scary and painful. When they finally embrace each other, we could see that tension drain from both Heesu and Seungwon, as they feel the other accept and understand them, despite their past actions and choices.

I am very happy that we got a show where the characters were allowed to be flawed and human, while also having them treat each other with kindness and understanding. I think Heesu in Class 2 did an excellent job of balancing the realities of being queer while also instilling hope that kind and meaningful community and relationships can be built, even in the fucked-up, non-bl-bubble world where homophobia exists.

[azaharinflames]

I didn’t start my day planning on being mean, but a certain portion of this fandom decided that they couldn’t keep Lou’s name out of their mouths so now I have thoughts.

We have RG brought on as a main, but frankly Eddie as a character has never gone anywhere. I was never much of an RG fan even before the unsavory things he said, but from what I have read, he hasn’t seemed to have brought much to the role beyond what was in the script. And yes, I get that he’s not a writer or the show runner, but Tim has shown himself to be amenable to good suggestions from the actors (which is why JLH ended up with Chim instead of Eddie, a decision from which his character never recovered).

Then you have the string of unsuccessful (potential) love interests who were all recurring. Similarly, I get that as a recurring you have even less agency than as a main and that’s even worse if you are a woman. All the same, the actors who played Ana, Taylor, Marisol, Lucy, and  death doula whose name alludes me but I’m too lazy to look up, brought NOTHING to the role outside of what was on the page. Granted, these characters were all written in way that made them doomed to fail, but if any one of them had brought something to the table to endear them to the GA and make the narrative work, they would have lasted/had the potential to be endgame level love interests. But it was early in the show’s run you say. Big deal. There are plenty of examples in television where a character was brought in for a handful of episodes early on and they either were kept (or else brought back) as a significant cast member.

And then there’s Lou. Looking back at the season 7 interviews, there is a clear gap between how Tim originally envisioned Tommy compared to Lou’s head canon. Tim saw a happy go lucky starter relationship guy with a hot and heavy make out session in 7x4. Tommy saw a protective guy with layers and past trauma who would deliver a tender 7x4 first kiss. Tim may get some things wrong, but he’s not such an egomaniac that he would go with the worse idea just because it was his. We will never know, but I don’t think Tim committed to making Tommy a significant/possible endgame LI until late season 7 or even while writing 8a. If Lou had done what RG or any of the actors who played Buck/Eddie’s past LI had done, i.e., read the script as is and contributed NOTHING, then Tommy would have been long gone. All this is to say that complaining about Lou having thoughts about his non-main character is tantamount to complaining that the man showed up and did his damned job to the best of his ability. The fact that he has clearly done so much work despite being really good looking in an industry that strongly favors attractiveness gives him extra points my book. Instead of hating on him, maybe they should be asking themselves why their guy didn’t do the same. 

I think you make an excellent point, Nonnie, and I love the way you put it.

At the end of the day, a big reason why we all love Tommy (and Bucktommy) as much as we do has to do with Lou (and with Oliver as well, when talking about the couple). Because Lou took the time and care to create Tommy and make him a bigger and deeper character than what the script said. Because he took so much care and advocated for what he thought made more sense for the character (i.e. their first kiss). It makes us love the character, and love him after seeing how much he cares, and ultimately it reflects very positively on the show.

I do think RG has given his input here and there (it was per his insistence that Marisol came back in S8), but it does feel like he rarely digs deeper into what he's given. At the very least, that's the impression I get (so anyone can disagree with it, that's fine!). I've never particularly connected with Eddie, and I am personally frustrated with the missed potential he has. If he stays, I honestly wish for the writers to figure out what the hell they want to do with him long term.

Anyway. I get your frustration, Nonnie. Bobs have been utterly insufferable since the interview, and the accusations I've seen coming from them? Ngl, there aren't words in the English language to describe what I think about them.

[thereallucifer666]

He knew she didn't believe him. He'd given her no proof that he was who he said he was. Most human didn't believe him anyway. He lived in L.A. after all. Eccentric people were a dime a dozen here. So someone going around saying he was the Devil wasn't out of the realm of possibility here. He didn't mind it much.

He clicked his tongue when she told him about his struggles with taking time off, shaking his head lightly. Like Chloe could help her spawn getting sick. Children seemed to rarely follow of schedule when it came to obtaining various illnesses. And what else was she supposed to do? Let the child take her to the doctor herself? How ridiculous.

Lucifer placed his order with the waitress, giving her a cheeky wink. That would assume their order came quickly, if her giggling was any indication. Lucifer wasn't above using his desire mojo to get what he wanted at times.

"That seems to be a huge failure of this society, to be frank," He said. "They desire you to have children, yet do nothing to assist you in that endeavor. Makes no sense."

Sitting back and throwing an arm over the back of the booth, he shook his head. "Angels cannot procreate with humans. Dad's rules. And believe me, I'd know by now if he'd been lying or not. I've certainly shared my bed with enough people."

Lucifer cared little for the accepted lie of monetary value that humans had conjured up. He understood that on Earth money meant power and influence and it had been easy enough for him to acquire plenty of dollar signs. Even if someone tried to rob him, and many had tried, he doubted he'd even notice the sum of money missing. It was easily replaceable for him anyway.

He froze when she asked him that, stumbling through the beginnings of pre-verbal words before she revealed she had only been stringing him along for a joke. Collecting himself, he gave a relaxed huff and unclenched.

"No? Perhaps you humans need better bosses then," He remarked, seeing as how that seemed logical to him. Nodding as she mentioned potential doctor visits, he added, "That's right. Children are little germ factories, aren't they?"

Of course, that was something he never had to worry about. He'd never been ill. He doubted angels could even experience such a thing, or even if they possessed an immune system. Things like human illness just seemed to...burn up inside them.

"No, but you are under my employment," Lucifer stated, resolutely. "Therefore, I'll see to it that you're properly compensated."

[mousepatta]

Sharks and Minnows

What could be worse than waking up in a dangerous, magical world with no idea of how to get back home? Waking up in said world to find out that your perfectly average height apparently translates to about four inches tall in this world.

Yuu is nothing if not industrious. However, their decision to live in Octavinelle dormitory's walls may have backfired.

· · ─────── ·.· ─────── · ·

Chapter 1: Unfortunate Circumstances

Next

· ─────── ·· ─────── ·

Azul had a problem.

It had started off small. So small that he almost hadn't noticed.

Little things would go missing here and there. Nothing valuable, just a stray button or ink cartridge. Maybe a small amount of food would go unaccounted for from the kitchen. At most, it had been annoying. Azul had assumed it was simply Floyd misplacing things. But then things had taken a turn.

Suddenly, students were coming into his consultations a tad more… informed than they should have been. They would nit-pick clauses he had discussed only in private. Of course, he could “roll with the punches” as one might say, but it sure made his job harder. He had to stay on his toes when making deals with what should have been naive little first years. It was as if someone was feeding them knowledge they should not have been privy to.

Azul had already embarrassed himself by prowling around his own office, searching for some sort of hidden recording device. For how else could these people have such exact knowledge of the lounge's inner workings. Exhausted from ranting to Jade, Azul steeled himself to attempt to get help from Idia. Though they weren't exactly the best of friends, Azul would garner that he was likely one of the few people on campus who interacted with the reclusive housewarden, so gaining his favor shouldn't be too difficult.

“So, like, what d’ya want me to do about it?”, Idia stared blankly.

Azul had confided in him during a meeting at the board game club.

“It is a matter of technology, is it not? I've been unable to find any sort of recording device, but you may be able to find one with your more advanced methods, no?”

“Yikes, getting dragged out of my room again in one day sounds like a major L.”, Idia muttered to himself.

“I would not seek your assistance if this was not a serious matter. I'm sure I can offer something in exchange.”

Azul reached into his bag, pulling out a boxed figurine.

“Omg! That's totally a collector's edition doki club figurine from the fast food tie-in! How did you get your hands on that?”

“Worry less about how I acquired it and more about how you can. Just one little favor and it's all yours.”

“Geez, this guy can't say anything without sounding sus. But I guess I'm in!”

“It'll be a pleasure doing business with you.”

After these stressful few weeks, Azul's spirit finally began to lift.

…

Yuu rushed forward. They didn't have much time. Waking up in an unfamiliar, magical, world without any clear way to get home was stressful enough. Adding onto that, the fact that their perfectly normal height apparently translated to about four inches in this world, Yuu had been having an unpleasant experience.

In the aftermath of a stressful orientation, the headmaster had allowed Yuu to stay in Ramshackle dormitory along with their “familiar”. Though, most students would not know Yuu was even there, which they were perfectly fine with. What was not fine was the state of the dorm they had been given asylum within. It was decrepit. If they had been the appropriate size, they were sure they could pretty it up a bit, or at least clean it enough that the dust didn't irritate their eyes and nose too much. Alas, with that not being the case, Yuu had no choice but to search for alternative solutions.

The other dorms were all well-maintained. Yuu was sure that no one would even notice if they were to slip in and stay in secret. That just left them the decision of which dorm to choose. They couldn't find much information about Diasomnia, just that many strong mages were there. Maybe they would be able to sense an unwelcome presence? In the same vein, Savanaclaw housed most beastmen who might be able to sniff them out. Ignihyde was supposedly full of hermits who would stay in the dorm too often. Heartslabyul and Pomefiore had rigorous rules and standards that would make any evidence of Yuu's existence harder to ignore.

That left them with Scarabia or Octavinelle. The scale was tilted the moment the prefect discovered that Octavinelle housed a restaurant, the Mostro Lounge. Getting food would be a breeze. After thoroughly convincing Grim to give them a ride over, using the promise of free food stolen from the Mostro Lounge, Yuu got to work. They made the risky, but rewarding, move of carving out their home base in the walls of the VIP room of the lounge. It kept them far enough away from the rush of customers, but close enough to food and other supplies.

Which led them to where they were now. Yuu rushed through the walls toward a dorm room. They had taken too much food from the lounge itself lately and the Octavinelle housewarden, Azul Ashengrotto, had taken notice. An added bonus of their chosen place within the walls was that they could hear any grievances and quickly course correct. For now, they would switch to finding food within the dorm rooms for a while. Just until any suspicion died down.

If Grim hadn't gotten greedy, there wouldn't be any suspicion in the first place, Yuu thought bitterly.

Their steps were hurried, keeping in mind that students would be filing into the dorm soon. If Yuu didn't have the added responsibility of attending classes in secret despite their size, the time to forage would be plentiful. They internally cursed Dire Crowley for his borderline hazardous requirements.

Their mood lifted as they reached their favorite dorm room. A smile traced their features as they popped their head out of the secret entrance they had made through the wall. Just as expected, three different bags of chips were left open. The prefect wasn't sure what sort of person would leave so many snacks open without finishing any, but they wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.

The dorm room was split down the middle, with one side staying tidy and the other side being a mess. Yuu would mostly ignore the cleaner side of the room as it never bore any fruits. At most, they could pick off some of a mushroom from one of the terrariums placed on the shelves, but they didn't know enough about fungi to know which were safe to eat. Accidently poisoning themself would be a pretty embarrassing way to go. They would stick to their pre-packaged goods, thank you very much.

Just as they had finished packing up a variety of chips and a bit of candy they had found on the way, they heard two sets of footsteps approaching the door. Yuu slipped down and under the bed of the messier side of the room, heading toward the safety of the wall. Before they could get there, the door opened and someone flopped onto the bed above them. Yuu jolted. The stress on the springs almost made them think the bed would collapse. The second set of footsteps calmly pulled out a desk chair.

A bag crinkled.

“Wha- Jade, ya haven't been eating my stuff have ya?”, a voice lilted.

“Wouldn't dream of it.”, a deeper voice replied.

“Well something has been. Should tell Azul to quit holin’ up in his office while we get mice out here.”

“I sincerely doubt a mouse stole two chips from you and left without a trace.”

“Well, what else could it be? Don't think anyone here would sneak in and steal from me. That's just askin’ for a squeezin’.”

“What indeed?”

Yuu had heard enough. They quickly and quietly slipped back into the walls, drowning out the rest of the conversation. Something about the tone that “Jade” had used unnerved them.

They had little time to dwell on that matter as Yuu made their way through the walls and back to their home base. As much as they appreciated the dorm they were in, the housewarden was a bit… much. He often tricked students into signing contracts, luring them in with false promises before ultimately striking. Yuu rolled their eyes at the thought. It wasn't as if he couldn't fulfill the promises he would make, he simply refused to. Taking advantage of students in exchange for “favors” that took little to no effort on his part. Yuu could understand not wanting to be constantly helping others, but if he really did have the power to help his desperate peers, why not just do it?

With these thoughts in mind, Yuu had taken to giving out their own scraps of advice. Their position gave them insider knowledge on certain terms and after hearing so many consultations, they had acquired quite the knack for finding cracks in different clauses. Knowledge in tow, Yuu would anonymously message students before and occasionally during their meetings with Azul. Though some simply dismissed their warnings, those who would heed them were ultimately able to gain more bargaining power at the very least. It may not have been foolproof, but it was the least they felt they could do.

Yuu peered out through a small hole in the bookcase. Azul seemed to be in high spirits. Likely because of some scam going well, Yuu thought bitterly. He was humming to himself, happily scrawling away on whatever paperwork needed attention. Yuu eagerly flopped into their jewelry-box-turned-bed, ready to enjoy some well-earned rest.

· · ─────── ·.· ─────── · ·

[jack-of-heartstrings]

More thoughts on El Toro de Piedra, specifically on Juleka's side.

First and of course, I do really wish we'd gotten to see more build-up and more screentime for Juleka getting a big moment, though I'll never complain about her getting any focus. (Fingers weakly crossed for episode 6 when we get it...? my hopes are low but not-zero I guess.)

For me personally, juxtaposing the song with the fight made the fight harder to follow. Part of that was just that I struggle to watch both subtitles and the action, so that's not a fault or anything. And I fully respect the decision to not include fight sound effects alongside the song, as that DOES make it much easier to watch the song on its own later, but I think it would have felt nicer AS part of the episode itself if it had included at least some of the fight sounds.

HOWEVER, I do think it was a WONDERFUL decision to also throw her in with the theme of this episode.

We have three characters— Ivan, Adrien, and Nathalie— all with very complicated relationships with their dads, all of whom are/were really shitty and want their kids to go down the same shitty paths.

But then we've got this girl who barely knows her dad, met him for the first time less than a year ago, who also has a really complicated relationship and hasn't gotten over the ways in which he was shitty. And unless it's changed in the last few months, her greatest fear is presumably still him hating her and discouraging or breaking her dreams. But her dream IS to be like him, and has been since before she learned he was her dad. And honestly I think that's so much nicer than anything else they could have included. Someone like Marinette who just has a good relationship with her dad or even another dad that used to be bad but improved wouldn't hit nearly as hard as a dad who used to suck, who's improved but still has an at best tenuous relationship, yet whose legacy is still what one of his children wants more than anything in the world.

Just. What a good contrast. Sometimes a parent's legacy is imposed against your will, and sometimes it's embraced enthusiastically, but sometimes it's something you want despite your relationship. Sometimes it's actively something that helps connect you and can lead to improving the relationship.

And on a separate Juleka note, of course LET'S GO JULEROSE, but specifically...

Given Juleka's reaction to the kiss, I think I've decided the funniest interpretation of the ship (and thus the one I'm choosing to believe) is that they weren't dating before, and might still take a little longer to Officially get together now. Imagine. Imagine for me.

They're that cuddly all the time. They talk about how much they love each other and stare deeply into each other's eyes. They give each other cheek kisses way more often than other friends do, more than either of them gives other friends. Rose kisses Juleka on the mouth during the Zombizou incident and Juleka is super flustered by it but that was clearly just an akuma thing and she never mentions it afterward, or if Rose remembers since she wasn't akumatized herself then they just choose not to talk about it. They watch Marinette and Adrien be clueless all year and Rose keeps complaining about why won't those two just get it already. Rose marches down and tells the idiots if they don't kiss already then she's just gonna kiss them both. Nobody has this same problem watching Juleka and Rose be clueless because everybody genuinely though they were already together. Except them. They still took months to realize, and then both of them were like "but what if she doesn't feel the same way and then I make it weird" until Rose just went for it this episode. Absolute disaster sapphics if I ever saw them. 12/10.

[klwrites]

Little Talks-- Ellie Williams x reader part two

part one here

Summary: Ex serephite reader trying to come to terms with her past, and she meets someone else who needs to do the same. Warnings : homophobia

Back home on the island, there was a rumor that my brother had kissed another man. I never cared how true it was, but the idea spread like a disease. Everyone was plagued by it, no matter how true it was. All that mattered was ensuring that nobody could believe it was okay. Much like my old home, rumors spread like wildfire in Jackson. I didn't want to know what people thought of me, but I knew there were a lot of assumptions about where I came from, therefore further assumptions about me. 

The looks had been a little more bearable since Dina’s bonfire. It was solid evidence that people would like me if they wanted to. My brother came home once with a bloody arm. Some jerks did it, but the doctors refused him as punishment for the rumors. He came home bruised and bloodied nearly every week, so I had to learn how to fix them. My knowledge on dressing wounds is why Maria decided I would be most useful as a medic. She wasn't wrong, but I hate having to interact with new people so often. 

Rumors about me seem like a hot topic. When I first arrived everyone knew I grew up differently. They used words I didn't understand to describe me and you’d be surprised by the faces I've been given while fixing people up. I’d rather be on patrol duty, I'd be alone for the most part, and be subject to less assumptions. 

On this late night, some drunk shot himself in the foot. Lost some toes, but he’d live. 

“Will you go check on Whitmore’s foot, please? Need a smoke break.” 

I’ll be damned before I deny someone here’s smoke break, but I wasn't happy about it. Whitmore should be asleep, I wish I was lucky enough to bank on that. 

I almost smoothly made a quick in and out trip, unfortunately, the drunk woke up at the last minute. 

“What’s your name, dear?” 

“Y/N”

“Oh, I've heard ‘bout you.” His voice was groggy, and somewhat slurred. I brushed him off and taped his bandage. My foot was out the door when he mumbled,

You're the one from the cult

Though quiet, it was aggressive. Without wasting time I closed the door pretending like I didn't hear a thing. Cult. A word I didn't quite understand. How could a guy assume he understands me if I can't even define the words used about me? 

Once Michah returned from his smoke break, he said I could go home and rest since I’d be needed again in the morning. 

That morning I was alone. Rain was pouring and it was quiet until noon, when someone limped into the infirmary. It was one of the only people in Jackson recognizable to me. I rushed to Ellie’s side. Her face was bruised and a small cut was just above her eyebrow. Despite the visible discomfort, she looked less tense when her eyes met mine. 

“Hey,” her strained voice greeted me, trying to downplay her pain. 

She winced as I let her put her weight onto me and I guided her to an empty bed. “What the hell happened?” I asked, holding her face and taking in the injuries. As I grabbed supplies to clean her, she told me some raiders had jumped her.

“Those bastards even took my gun.” my heart ached at the sound of her pain laced voice. 

“This is gonna sting.” I warned her as I brought an alcohol soaked rag to her bloody forehead. She let out a sharp breath. 

“Who was with you?” I knew she wasn't in the mood for an interrogation right now but clearly whoever she was with wasn't capable of protecting her. And that thought made me angry.

Her face was covered in discomfort as I finished wiping all the blood off. I turned around to the sink to rinse my cloth. 

“I was alone.” Her voice was strained, but she tried to keep a nonchalant tone. 

My head snapped around, “What? Who allowed that?” I let out a frustrated sigh, here I was, staring at the wall all morning when Ellie had no one to watch her back.  

“I volunteered to go out alone since there hasn't been enough people for pairs. I swear it looks worse than it is.” 

“Ellie, I’m gonna have to stitch this.” 

This wasn't Ellie’s first time with stitches, so she did not squirm as much as people typically do. It was a great opportunity to take in Ellie’s facial features. I’d never seen such perfectly placed freckles. I couldn't help but notice how her green eyes laid under her brown lashes, reminding me of a forest. She had these strands of hair that hadn't made it into her updo that shimmered dark red where the sunlight hit. The thin slit through her eyebrow confirmed the wildness she possessed, like her spirit I always admired her for.

“Thanks. You're really good at this.” She mumbled since we were only inches apart. Though it was quiet, her breathy tone reminded me of the way she hummed while strumming her guitar. 

I stood up from my hunched over position, double checked my work, and maybe even stole another mental picture of her face. 

“Anytime, and thank you. I've had a lot of practice.” 

Another thing I liked about Ellie was that she didn't pry. I knew from Tommy she had baggage, and she knew from Joel that so did I. She understood it was better left alone.

Since then, Ellie offered to help me with sparring and building muscle. My excuse was so that there’d be enough people on patrol, but it was also a great excuse to see her. I know I shouldn't need an excuse to see a friend but I wasn't sure how else to go about it. 

Her stupid smirk when she'd outsmart me and take me down never failed to make my heart flutter. Great work today. She’d say, gripping my shoulder. 

I split my hair into two long braids, a style I had mastered on the island. My mirror routine persisted, but the nice girl from Jackson was no longer someone I strode to be. I didn't think Ellie would want to train an average girl from Jackson, because they were scared of the infected. I wasn't. I was excited to get to kill them, for Ellie to see that I’m strong. Maybe she'll grip my shoulder longer, and compliment me more than she ever has. 

I waited for Ellie at our meeting spot. Another good thing about our training sessions was to get out of the house. It was becoming crowded with Maria and Tommy’s child getting older. Being around Benji made me miss my big brother. With that thought I pulled out my journal, the same beat up and dirty one that Ellie gifted me years ago. I've filled plenty of journals since then but this one held everything important. I sketched my brother as if he had been at Dina’s bonfire with me. He had enough charm that I doubt the rumors here would get under his skin, plus he’d been through worse. A hand placed on top of my paper interrupted my focus, causing me to glance up. 

“Ready?” Ellie grinned at me. 

Typically we’d head left to the barn and spar, but she signaled for me to follow her to the right. I looked at her inquisitively. 

“I, uh, had something else in mind today,” Mischief lingered in her voice, “I wanted to take you somewhere, it’s outside of the walls.”

It never really hit me that I haven't left the walls since coming here. We went out one of the southern gates, and I followed her up a mountain trail. We got to a high point that overlooks a meadow, and stopped. Ellie turned and scanned the meadow before her face lit up with excitement, she grabbed her gun from her hollister which brought my attention to her thigh. 

“Just promise not to be a Whitmore and keep all of your limbs together. Don't shoot me either.” She jokingly said as she handed me a gun. 

I smiled at her enthusiasm. “As long as you don't shoot me I won't shoot you.” 

She raised her hands mocking a surrender, “Fine, fine…” 

Ellie instructed me on my stance, and I did as she said, standing with my feet shoulder width apart, slightly bending my knees. I could listen to her talk all day. She had such a bright energy whenever she shared knowledge with me. Training with Ellie was way too easy, life with Ellie was way too easy. 

“Very good, you're gonna wanna hold it like this,” She signaled for me to pass her the weapon, then demonstrated how to hold it. Her hands were also perfect, her tattoo, her everything was distracting. 

I wanted to make her proud. I held the metal in my hands the way she did. “Is this good?”

“Excellent. Just keep your arms straight and slowly pull the trigger.” 

The gun recoiled in my hands, “woah,”. My body shook from adrenaline.

“You're doing great. Now let's try aiming it at something in particular. You see that infected down there?” Her voice was low and close, sending shivers down my spine. 

I hummed in response. 

“You're gonna want to aim right there,” she settled closely behind me, her torso touching my back, her head peeking over my shoulder, and she brought her arm besides mine to correct my aim. She was basically holding me, and I felt like melting into her forever and ever. Anyone would feel this if someone was this close to them right?

“Now pull.” She whispered to not disrupt my focus, but it honestly was more of a distraction.

The infected stumbled, but did not fall. Ellie backed away and raised her hand for a high five. “You touched it!” a huge grin wiped her face and naturally it spread to mine. I high fived her, and our hands lingered for just a split second. Long enough for me to notice how rough her palm was and how her arm had grooves where her chemical burn was. 

I did a few more practice shots before the sun began to dim, which meant we had to get back before dark. 

I sat in bed thinking about her touch. I wanted more of it. I didn't want to want more of it. I somehow drifted off despite the overwhelming thoughts I was having about Ellie.

We sat in the grass on the mountain, in contrast to the cold and wet weather it was warm and sunny. Her arms were on display in a white tank, and her eyes glowed bright green. The sun was setting, the lighting bringing out her toned muscles. Her arms held me close as the cold came in, no words were exchanged as we both laid down. I rested my head on her chest for a moment until she gently placed a hand on my chin to face her. Then I was back on the island, as my bloody brother cried to me, I didn't ask for it. I didn't know. Now everyone hates me. I didn't ask for it. I didn't ask for it, I didn't– 

My eyes shot open. Alone in bed I was. The sun isn't out yet but there was no going back to sleep now.

[lexicorp]

Istg

That comment just absolutely encapsulates this shit /so/ much.

And it really is just so trippy having Optimus seem to forgive Megatron just so simply with but a smack on the wrist. Altho I do at least appreciate in ES them showing the shadowed tension that is still present between them. I feel like with lore between Megs and OP can make sense why Optimus would want to just move on and not make delve into all those repercussions mainly due to them still needing help rebuilding, their past friendship in many continuities that could make Op just not want to lose anyone else (even if it's Megatron, at this point), and just a sense of thinking it's necessary to be virtuously forgiving just for the sake of preventing revenge driven perpetual violence. It's hard to say. And in ES, OP might have given that same treatment to Star (at least tried to tell Megs to not be rough with him), but like there's so much stuff in the background and Starscream likely denying that offer /because/ of OP seeming to favor Megatron so it's just like- ÆaAæ

They seemed to really try to note on Megatron being held accountable for what he did, but SO much of the focus was just on the terrans and human kids and shit, that I really don't feel it was shown as much as it was just said.

Then, the perpetual survival mode thing is just so, so real. Everything about trauma responses are about survival, to not just physical threats, leading to layers of defensive, guarded, and aggressive behavior.

And those slap in face comments are just so degrading like. Over here telling the victim that they need to be understanding of the nuances, while everyone around them just wants some flat, simplified answer fed to them (usually to the wrong person's detriment)

The funny thing is, my person that I've struggled with the most with layers of indirect negative (also unsure of saying abuser because of all the nuances), I very constantly find this level of disconnection in myself from it. A lot of my psych interest has come from trying to understand the people I've dealt with. But even if you know what they're going thru or have been through, and can understand the logical trait of events and behavior, doesn't always mean it'll help at all. Which is frustrating. And to just hear the constant: "be patient", "he's just in a mood cuz of x y z, don't take it personal", "/you/ did do x", "I don't remember that". Or just the fact of feeling indebted to them so there's no right to be hurt, or frustrated, because they've given you everything.

My problem now seems to be being the thing of: oh great, I'm open minded, now what?

It doesnt always help, and that statement shouldn't be used to shut down a conversation tryna address an actual problem.

Me, at the entirety of the transformers franchise: wow starscream may deserve a lot of things but not that

[prapaiwife]

here I go with another Charlie take lol cause I've seen some comments in other places, and someone says what is Charlie's purpose for doing everything he's doing the season. Or this is just like the first season Charlie didn't learn anything he didn't learn from him fake dying in front of babe that traumatized him and he's going to do the same thing all over again by lying or making empty promises. Or just questioning Charlie's motivations acting like he does everything so senselessly. I will be so confused cause the first season told and showed to know about Charlie and his morals of what he stands for. And the lengths he will go to to protect his loved ones. Not saying that the choices are always reasonable but given in the world that they are living in their choices are very limited! Him dying wasn't just for nothing his death actually even though we knew it was fake did something. It made babe safe which was all he wanted. Charlie knew that if he was out of the picture Tony wouldn't have any one to use anymore as his auction prize. Like I said I feel like some people just kind of ignore Charlie's feelings and are just disregard them as I'm doing everything just he's doing it for himself. When he does everything for everyone else now when sisterly ever really thinks about himself. And that's something that frustrates babe the most about him he doesn't want to lose Charlie cuz he gets up so much of himself to everyone else! And in doing so Charlie will lose everything his memories of everything and everyone babe especially. *And I wonder when that process happens if we're going to see Charlie realized in real time he's always in his memories because that would be so painful but I also want to see* But it's not by a choice that he is happily going to make. Him losing his memories is not something that he is going to take on happily i think we might see him have breakdowns see him struggle so much with this.

[laurelwinchester]

one of my many many many arr*w related grievances is that people in the fandom (including in the laurel lance sub fandom) are very hesitant or even outright refuse to admit that quentin lance was an extremely emotionally abusive father. i still don't understand why that is.

[teaguehq]

Anywhere is better when you get to be there with me? It's no wonder you're so charming, and needless to say that's mutual and I always love it when you keep me warm, too. It's only the truth, since I'll always think you're the sexier date! Added bonus that it makes you blush. I'm so excited to see Fantastic four, and of course they chose right putting you in the film. I might be working on a couple of drawings for you that I'm planning for giving to you on the release date. You don't have to thank me for supporting you since I always will, and you know I love coming along with you on promo! I'm just sorry I couldn't be there for your premiere either, though it made me so happy that you could come to New York afterward. I'm just hoping now that your promo's finished, you can stay with me in New Jersey for a little while longer while I'm filming, since you know I'd always rather us be together. I know exactly what you mean when I felt the same way about visiting your family in London and seeing where you grew up! Which, thank you for that and reassuring me they'd like me, which you know I was nervous about. I didn't mind your parents' questions either since I understand the curiosity. My parents are already asking when you can visit again, they liked you so much. I hope your family knows I'm serious about you too, since I'm in love with you and all. And it makes me happy that they liked me, especially when they were so nice. I'm all for going on another romantic holiday when we're able, and even whisking away somewhere for a weekend between filming would be nice, too. I'm all for going to see live shows too, and maybe we'll get lucky enough to find some in New Jersey too?! I know we haven't had much time to explore, but that would be fun. I know we both miss the hot springs, although nothing stopping us from recreating them by drawing a bath, right? We could do that tonight. You're going to make me blush again, though it means the world to me too, that I'm yours and you're mine. I still can't believe you're knitting me a blanket, and I honestly can't wait to see it! I know it'll be my favorite blanket by default. It's a great idea to get a cat, and I think Bach would be really into having a little playmate. So taking him to a shelter to see who gets along with would be perfect. Orange cats definitely come with a side of chaos, though maybe that's exactly what Bach needs, too. I'll always be here to hold your hand and protect you, both on haunted adventures and otherwise. I never thought I'd like dancing as much as I do, but it's nice with you. Same with cooking, and even though I'd always liked that some, it's all the more fun with you. We'll have to give some more recipes a try, too, since they always taste better when we make them together. I'd love it if you found a zookeeper role, given you're already passionate about it! It's always the goal to make you happy, love, and I'm glad your family sees that too. You weren't in the best headspace before me, though? How come? It makes me so happy I've brought that feeling into your life though, especially since you've definitely brought happiness into mine. You're making me blush again, though I've told my folks that we love each other, too. Naturally, they're happy for us! We can definitely go camping again sometime, and of course I had a great time in Turkey with you! Which you're right, for how crazy things have been, I'm glad we had the time there together. You know I wouldn't be anywhere else, though, Fashion Week and everything in between.

I know it's been nuts with everything from promo to the Beatles announcement, though I'm so proud of you! And I love that the Beatles announcement was a bit like you guys were playing the new Avengers or something, and everyone was so excited! As they should be, since I know you'll be incredible in the film. I'd have to be crazy not to want a future with you, I'll have you know. I'm just thrilled you want one with me too, and that we're on the same page. Plus I could never hear you say that you love me too many times, just like I could never say I love you too many times. Especially when it makes you blush! I'm with you that New York means something to the both of us, so it feels only natural to look for a place there together. And we can always talk about getting married when it feels right, which makes me smile to think about. Would you want a big ceremony or more an intimate one? You're thinking about a bigger place in London? I'd love to help you look, since I like to think I'll be there a lot. Though would it be both of ours, or…? I mean, it's okay if not because we're getting a place in New York together at some point, though I was just curious. Of course I wouldn't have run in the other direction hearing you love me, even though I understand that fear since it's a big word. I just feel lucky you love me too, and that you feel safe with me. I feel so safe with you, too. And I'm grateful you feel safe telling me what's on your mind too, since I'd always want to know that. Don't worry, I'm always going to give you plenty of kisses, especially knowing you like them so much! Which is lucky since I love kissing you, too. I can't help myself since it's always so sweet whenever you surprise me with anything! Well, you get to be my Valentine for as long as you'd like, Joseph. You're doing great with the mandolin! I'm thinking you won't even need me as a guide after a while. That necklace is my favorite one, hands down, and it makes me smile every time I look at it, knowing what you wanted to say. I'm all for taking the cruise whenever we can, and I know it'll be a lot of fun. You were my first Times Square kiss, so pretty special, I'd say. And of course my only Times Square kiss! You're just amazing at finding gifts, so of course I'll have to get on your level, love. I know I'm going to wear my Fantastic Four t-shirt when the film comes out too, and whichever premieres you have. Norway was fun, and so was fishing and the dance! Sorry, my date for the dance rivaled yours in the sexy department, easily. I'd be all for going out dancing with you again, for the record. Well, it's always my goal to take the best care of you, especially with how much you have going on right now. I wouldn't ever want you to burn out, you know? I love you, and you certainly deserve having someone always here for you, and I'm lucky that someone is me. I should be thanking you too, for coming to New Jersey with me to start filming, since the first days of filming are always the most stressful! But they haven't been since it's good having you here with me, especially filming something else that's a little dark material-wise. I don't know what it is about me that makes people want to put me in their films about murderers and serial killers, but hey, I'm not going to complain about having a job at this point. I'm just happy you're here with me while you can be, is what I'm trying to say, so thank you and I love you. | @josephafq

it's safe to say that anywhere is better when i get to be there with you, so i understand -- and i love keeping you warm the whole time, just throwing that out there. you are the sexiest date! i feel so lucky that i get to have you on my arm. but you always make me blush when you say that i'm sexier, though. but i'm glad you feel that way, love. i'm glad you're excited to see fantastic four, and you're making me laugh calling me that hot, but also making me blush so much. i'm glad you think they chose right for the role. i know promo has been a little crazy for all the different projects i've got coming up, but thank you for being there to support me when you can, love. i'm just sorry i missed out on being there for your premiere because i had my own. i really wanted to be there for you. but i'm glad we're back together and we didn't have to stay apart for long, because i'm like you, i'd rather us be together than be away from each other, and i'm so glad you can be with me right now. i'm glad we had the time we did to go to florida before things got a little bit crazy -- and it was fun getting to see your parents, and i loved getting to know them better. plus, i loved all the places that you ended up showing me too, and i can see why they were favorites of yours while you were growing up. plus, it just was fun getting to see where you grew up and get to enjoy the things you enjoyed when you were younger, you know? and i completely get why you like the outdoors so much, and i think it's so neat that you live so close to a swamp. i loved the walks that we took around your parents place! i figured if i were in their shoes, i'd be asking a lot of questions too, you know? so i don't mind, plus my parents did the same thing to you! and since i'm only the second person that you've introduced them too, they must know it's serious, so of course they're going to want to know me better, love. my family pretty much adored you, you realize that right? my mum was completely charmed by you, so were my dad and my stepdad! well, since i'm going to be a little busy with my current projects, i'm not sure when we'll have time for another holiday, but as soon as we've got time we'll pick someplace amazing, yeah? maybe go on another romantic holiday. what do you think? it makes me smile every time i hear you say you want to be with me forever and that you don't want to let me go. i love seeing live music with you too, so maybe we'll have to search out some live music to go see while we're in london. what do you think? find some places as good as the places we went to in tampa! it's safe to say that i'm very much missing the hot springs, and i'm wishing we could find a place like that near where i'm filming. you spoiled me so much on my birthday, by the way, and i loved every minute of it. i'm glad we're each other's. i hope you know that? it means the world to me to be yours and for you to be mine. it makes me happy you love all the things i knit for you, and i know you realize that i'm knitting a blanket for you next, and honestly it's taking longer than i thought it would! i'm always happy when i get to spend time with you too, love, there's no doubt about that.

i can't help it, i just love the attitude cats have, you know? but yeah? i value your thoughts, of course, so if you're leaning towards saying i should get one, then i'm thinking that's what i should do. maybe take bach to a shelter and see how he behaves around some kittens? i kind of really want an orange cat so bad, so be prepared for complete chaos, i'm told. me too! because it really does seem like they have new ones to explore every time we see them, and each time they're scarier than the time before. i'm just so glad i have you to hold my hand and protect me, love. i'm glad we got to spend time at both our places in new york over the weekend and just get to spend some time in the city together in general. i'm glad you love dancing with me, because i love having you in my arms and dancing with you. and cooking with you is one of my favorite things to do, no doubt about that. and i'm glad that you agree with me about the classes being fun, but cooking at home is just much better. plus, i love when we look up recipes together and give them a try! and i think everything we've made so far has been amazing, don't you think? you know i'm all for going back to the sanctuary sometime, and i love that bentley liked me, since he's important to you! hey, just think about it! i would be a fun zookeeper! but maybe after marvel and the beatles, I'll be like, find me a zookeeper role! and i'm always going to say that you're the amazing one, love, because you are -- and you always will be! you make me so happy, and my family sees just how happy i am because of you. you know, i wasn't in the best headspace before you, but you've brought me such happiness in my life that i can't even put it into words, you know? well, i couldn't help but tell them that we've said i love you to each other because i was so excited that you love me and all, plus i wanted them to realize how serious we are as well. i love that you're open to camping out on more ranches and around cattle, because we really did have a good time with it! and you're right about the cows being adorable, and it still makes me laugh that they took to me so well. i'm glad we went to turkey when we did since things are getting kind of crazy now again, which can i say again that i appreciate you so much for being along with me on this crazy ride! though thank you for doing fashion week with me as well, love, and we really needed the relaxation after that, i feel like. i also liked not having to get out of bed in the mornings either, since staying in bed with you is my favorite thing to do. the promo for warfare, i'll admit has been a lot, and then with announcing the beatles that's been crazy too, so you're right about it being a beast. but you make me smile when you say you can't wait to see my films, love, and that you're proud of me. i love hearing you're proud of me.

i'm still pretty happy that i didn't scare you off, of course, and it makes me so happy that you see a future with the two of us as well, i'm glad we're on the same page. and i know that i'm very lucky that you love me, and i love you so much and i hope you're prepared to hear that a whole lot. it might make me blush a little when you tell me you love me though, just saying. yeah? i'm glad you're into the idea of us living together and getting married when it feels right, and glad that you're good with us living in new york when it happens as well, especially since i feel like the city means something special to the both of us and our relationship, you know? though i will say that i've been thinking about getting a bigger place in london because i feel like i've outgrown my flat -- maybe you can help me look while i'm filming here? i'm glad you'll never run in the other direction hearing me say that i love you, and again, i can't help but blush when you say you love me, which i love you so much right back. it means the world that you're all in with me too, you know? and i'm glad that i can always tell you what's on my mind, love. i feel safe telling you everything, though -- just so you know that. well, i'll just throw out there right now that i always want your kisses, so whenever you want to give them to me, i'll be happy to have them! i'm glad you think i come up with the best surprises, because i love surprising you so much, you get the cutest look on your face when i surprise you! oh, you're the best valentine a guy could have, hands down, as well, and i'm glad you're mine. you really think i'm doing good with my mandolin lessons, love? plus, you're sweet saying i'll be playing like a pro in no time, i'm glad you have such faith in me. i'm still giddy that you love that necklace so much, and you're right, it was the only way i can think of to say i love you without saying it because i was so nervous. i know the cruise is being pushed back a little, but i'm hoping we can take it when i have a break in filming, love. it'll be exactly what we need to relax! i was your first time square kiss? i love hearing that, and love knowing i'll be your only times square kiss too! now you're just being too sweet saying you have to get on my level with the gifts since i give amazing ones, which your gifts are perfect! i'm glad you loved your valentine's day gifts as well though, love, and it makes me smile thinking about you wearing that fantastic four shirt of course! i loved norway with you, and i'm glad we went and glad we went to the valentine's dance as well. because again, had the sexiest date there! but it was fun dancing with you, love, and i feel like i should take you out dancing more often! you already do take the best care of me, so i have no doubt that you always will. i was just thinking about burning out the other day with all the stuff i've got going on, i know you're going to be just what i need to help me not burn out, my love. so thank you again for being an amazing boyfriend, and i love you. || @teaguehq

[thepersonperson]

Sukuna’s Loneliness Part 4 (Sukuna’s Negative Rizz)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 5

Some warnings before we start.

1) This analysis deals with sexual topics.

2) I will be mainly using the TCB scans because of their accessibility. Raws are from mangareader(.)to.

3) This was written as of JJK 262 266. (I'm just going to keep updating this until I stop finding things I should've noticed earlier.)

4) The raws broke me in ways you cannot possibly imagine.

(Click images for captions/citations.)

Fighting as Communication

Baki the Grappler. This is a manga where men destroy each other’s bodies as a test of strength. It’s poorly written but the art is terrifying and I love it so dearly. Between fights of extreme violence and body horror the characters eat. And that’s it. That’s the manga.

I bring Baki up because Gege is a huge fan of Fujimoto Tatsuki, the creator of Chainsawman. Fujimoto is a fan of Gege too, but more importantly, he is a huge fan of Itagaki Keisuke, the creator of Baki. (His daughter made Beastars btw.) In a way, this means Jujutsu Kaisen has been influenced by Baki. But that’s not a surprise, a lot of manga is.

Itagaki’s work is so massively influetial on Japanese media that it’s kind of hard to grasp since it’s not as popular overseas. When listening to interviews from various Japanese creators, Baki will often be cited as a major influence. And the thing is, you can tell when a creative has read Baki. There’s nothing quite like it. If you’ve read Baki and consume Chainsawman, you will see its bones everywhere. I feel the same about Jujutsu Kaisen.

The main antagonist in Baki is Yujiro Hanma. He is the strongest creature alive. So much so that he has no one to call a rival. He’s bored. He causes trouble. He kills his wife to motivate his son, Baki into becoming stronger. His son, Baki, who he grooms into becoming a fighter that might beat him in combat one day. Kind of sounds like Sukuna, right?

But that’s not my point here. My focus is how Baki doubles as a discussion about strength and manhood. It’s aggressively bisexual. Men love each other with their fists. Straight up the main character says having sex with women is the same thing as fighting men.

And it just doesn’t stop there. The homoerotic nature of the fights is never shyed away from. Here’s an example of my favorite.

He grabs his balls and compliments their size. That’s pretty gay, right? Well there’s this reanimated prehistoric caveman called Pickle that fights Baki’s brother Jack. And how do they fight? They kiss.

I didn’t call it a kiss. Itagaki did. I didn’t say they melded together. Itagaki did. This mangaka overtly calls attention to the homoerotic nature of men fighting men, and how men communicate their love for each other through violence. And yes, it’s sexual. Itagaki wants you to read it that way.

But sometimes he doesn’t want you to read it that way. Sometimes the fights are a dialogue, an emotional conversation. Like one between father and son.

Itagaki is a master of narrative framing. When he wants you to feel a certain way, you will feel it. He also tells his readers that there’s more to the fights than just fighting.

Those are the ideas that help me see the bones of Baki in other works. Men loving men with violence. Men communicating with men through violence. I see these ideas in Jujutsu Kaisen too.

Jujutsu Communication

I’ve gone over how Yuji commucates with other people on their own terms. And a lot of it is through fighting. A conversation without words, learning how someone works. Yuji is good at using fights as tool of communication.

But he’s not the one who tells you that there’s more to the fights than just fighting. Maki does in her spar with the sumo guy.

Just like Baki. Fighting is a means of communication. Gege has told you that there can be more to the fights than fighting. It's a tool used to understand the self and others.

With that in mind, I want to reexamine a particular fight under the lens of Baki rather than Umineko.

Sukuna vs Gojo

Baki tells you that homoerotic readings of its fights are intentional. If you ask me, this probably stems from historical stances on masculinity and homosexuality in ancient Japan. Men loved men and women differently, but both were ok. That’s how Baki can have a girlfriend and his gay fights. Peak bisexual optimization.

What does Jujutsu Kaisen have to do with this? Well it has been extremely queer friendly. We have a multidue of canonical trans characters, non-binary characters, and other flavors of queer characters not disparaged for their identities, Gojo Satoru included. It may not be stated outright, but Gojo and Geto do love each other in a gay way. The subtext is so persisent it’s basically text.

In other words, Gege has already told us, yes please have queer readings of this text. It’s the same way Baki tells you, yes this is straight up convoluded gay sex. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to reread the Sukuna and Gojo fight as some ridiculous mating display between two men who are fighting over can miscommunicate their intent the hardest.

Framed as Courtship

Let’s start with the framing. The pre-fight set up. How does text tell you queer readings are allowed?

Kenjaku does. It’s romantic. It’s a date. This reading has been made valid explicitly. And if there’s room for doubt because of the sarcasm? There’s still additional support for it.

We already know how badly in love Gojo is with Geto. The fight is on the 24th of December, the most romantic day in Japan. And in a fun little Geto parallel, who declared the start of war on this day, violence underlines this new romantic venture.

That doesn’t include Sukuna who recalls Yorozu’s words about teaching love in the context of marriage.

Gojo never heard that conversation which is why the next point is absolutely insane.

The outfit Gojo initially is in resembles that of a groom at a Shinto wedding.

Shinto weddings were implemented after the Heian era. Part of the ceremony includes a priest and a shrine maiden who respectively stand to the right and left of the altar. A purification ritual will occur, lead by the priest, to cleanse the shrine before vows are exchanged. Gakuganji is the priest and Utahime is the shrine maiden. To the right and left of Gojo respectively.

The bride at a Shinto wedding wears mainly white. After the 200% Hollow Purple cleanses the area, the dark shawl is removed and Sukuna remains in mostly white.

How interesting that this battle has been framed as one between groom and bride.

The thing is, marriage in the Heian era was far more lax. There were no major ceremonies. If a man was interested in marrying a woman, he would visit her for 3 nights after receiving approval from her father. Upon the passing of their 3rd night together, the family would have an informal celebration of their union in private. Even after marriage, multiple partners were allowed and sometimes encouraged.

Yorozu’s big celebration proposal to Sukuna and banning of concubines was quite improper by Heian standards. Though it is in line with modern marriages. If Sukuna did not consume any Shinto wedding literature, he probably didn’t recognize that Gojo was dressed as a groom.

But did Gojo dress this way for Sukuna intentionally? The Toji fit served an entirely different purpose. It’s the robes and pre-fight ceremony that catch my attention. So I propose the following:

1) Gojo dressed up as a groom to die and be wed with his one and only Geto in death.

2) Gojo dressed up as a groom in part as an offering to Sukuna. And because Sukuna is from the Heian era it went over his head entirely.

3) Gojo intended for both of these things at the same time and left who he would end up with to fate.

Regardless of what Gojo was going for here, it’s a visual cue combined with the knowledge of it being Dec 24th that encourages the reader to perhaps consider the fight as something other than just a fight. A date perhaps? Kenjaku made the connection and neither Gojo or Sukuna really denied it. Gojo gave the weak excuse of a death anniversary confusion. But much weirder, given how hostile he was to Yorozu, Sukuna did not object to the romantic framing in any capacity.

Am I reaching? Is this reading intentional?

When I start getting this confused by how a translated work wants me to read it, I try to refer to the original language text and anyone who knows it for missing context. Sometimes localizations add things that weren’t there or push readers towards one interpretation. So for the rest of this analysis, I’m going to be focusing on the raws.

I’m going to be honest. My Japanese fudging sucks. I can barely read kanji and can’t reliably translate anything. Feel free to correct me if I got something wrong. That being said, with what little I do know, I have discovered something interesting.

In this post I talked about how weird Sukuna’s manner of speech is. I focused on his you pronoun usage of お前 (Omae) for everyone else and 貴様 (Kisama) for Gojo since this is a strong indicator of how a character views their relationship to someone.

Here's a summary of the two points I made in that post:

1) Omae is informal and either a casual thing amongst peers or indicates the speaker's higher status. Since Sukuna is arrogant, we can reasonably assume he's talking down to people.

2) Kisama historically was a formal show of respect, but in modern times it is a hostile insult, much more rude than Omae. Since Sukuna is 1,000 years old and hates Yuji (who he uses Omae with), we can reasonably assume Sukuna was being friendly to Gojo when he used Kisama.

With that pronoun usage in mind, while examining the raws for the infamous “You Cleared My Skies” speech I found this:

Kisama. Sukuna is very happy and lavishing Gojo with praise. The assumption it was formal from the start seems to be correct. It's hard to read this any other way.

Though Japanese can easily be dubious in its interpretation, there are instances where context can cut off all other readings. I truly believe this one of those cases.

Now, to confirm Sukuna is still only treating Gojo this way I started looking at his you pronouns as he got excited post-Gojo death. Maki is the person he seems to admire the most.

He’s still just using Omae. What does that mean? Gojo is in his own fudging category for Sukuna and he has been there since the start of the manga. (For more on why this is significant, refer to this post.)

Wow ok. That’s pretty intense! We’ve got Gojo dressed up as a groom on December 24th and Sukuna treating Gojo different from anyone else. I read their fight again under the lens of explicit courtship and focused in on these specific panels.

Satisfaction. Now that’s a word that can easily carry a sexual connotation. Love as well. The parallel syntax fascinated me in English. So I decided to look at the raws and see how close they are.

Pretty much the same except for "the one who will teach you love" and "the one satisfying him now". Since the one being satisfied is Gojo by Sukuna, it really seems we can assume the one being taught love is Gojo by Sukuna.

Time to learn some Japanese again!

Kanji has multiple readings. Most have at least two. The Onyomi (Chinese) reading typically used for nouns and the Kunyomi (Japanese) reading typically used for verbs. (This is not always the case but it’s the basics.)

That’s probably why 満 is read as まん (man) when Gojo and Geto are talking about “satisfaction” using the On version and み (mi), the Kun version, when the narrator is talking about who “satisfies” who.

However 満 on its own does not mean satisfaction. It means full. To be filled. Or fullness. 足 (zoku) is added as a modifier after 満 to be read as satisfaction 満足 (manzoku). 足 usually means feet, but it can also mean to be sufficient. Manzoku therefore has a direct translation of being sufficiently full. It’s not a surprise a lot of food places in Japan use Manzoku in their names or advertising.

But what’s this? Why is this sentence written as 満たして or Mi(tashite) instead of 満足して or Manzoku(shite)? The addition of Zoku is what transforms Man into "satisfying". Without the Zoku, it’s just "fill". The means this sentence can be read as “The one filling him up now is—”

We’ve already established that the blank is Sukuna. The new problem is that he’s filling Gojo up. And boy, does that sound homoerotic to put it lightly. But perhaps I am reaching.

So I did what any sane person would do in this situation. I read hentai.

Surely if the phrase 満たして (mitashite) can carry a sexual connotation I will find it in hentai.

...

I immediately found a yaoi doujin called Fill me with your Big Love aka おっきな愛で満たして (Okkina Ai de Mitashite). Honestly, I found too many doujins about creampies specifically. (You have internet access verify this yourself.) When you search Manzokushite the results are much more in line with life satisfaction than sexual satisfaction. ...So Gege decided to use the more frisky phrasing.

Manzoku is also the name of an active sex toy manufacturer (I’m not linking them use a search engine.) and a discontinued adult entertainment news company. So the satisfaction Gojo and Geto talk about, along with Geto using ��� (ya), the jealous kanji often used between lovers, is definitely probably carrying a sexual connotation too.

So, I’m not reaching. What the fudge did Gege mean by this?

Now that we've established that I am NOT reaching. What do we do with this information?

Well, we ruminate on the fight with the knowledge that Sukuna, of his own volition, decided to get Gojo off, probably.

I have forgiven Nanami for calling Gojo a pervert. If I watched someone bust a nut after being cut in half by his sworn enemy instead of saving the country, I too would be like what the fudge.

Anyways, the typical phrase used for an orgasm in Japanese is 行く(iku). It translates as to go. And yes it can mean to die, as in going to the other side. To die and go to heaven if you will. Which is what Gojo did with a big old smile on his face.

There’s also the term 心天 (tokoroten). It refers to a dish were a semi-opaque white substance is pushed through holes to create noodles. Literal translation using the kanji for heart 心 (kokoro) and the kanji for heaven 天 (ten). (Don’t ask me why them being smack together turns the Koroko into Tokoro. I don’t know.) Which in slang refers to prostate orgasms. This has nothing to do with this analysis I wanted to drop this fun fact in here. …And this image of Sukuna clutching his heart while looking at someone he sent to heaven.

(This is a reach but the idea of this being an elaborate gay pun amuses me greatly.)

I have another fun slang term: 賢者タイム (kenjataimu) which directly translates to sage 賢者 (kenja) time タイム (taimu). This refers to post-nut clarity sending someone into a meditative-like state.

Oh that’s a bit familiar. Sukuna was giving sagely advice to Kashimo and reflecting on satisfaction and love.

And what’s this? Mitashite has made a reappearance! Sukuna is saying “I’ve never thought about needing another person to fill me up.” Which 1. further supports the 'The one satisfying/filling him (Gojo) now is—Sukuna.' reading and 2. suggests Sukuna is a top suggests Sukuna really doesn’t have sexual interest in people. (Since the context of this convo is relationships and love.)

By the way. Acts of eating in Japanese can be modified to carry sexual meanings. It’s a bit more suggestive than English, but it carries over pretty well I think? 肉食系 (nikusokukei) refers to someone who aggresively pursues romantic or sexual relationships. Composed of the kanji 肉 (niku) for meat, 食 (ta) for eating, and 系 (kei) class. If you noticed, 食 isn’t usually read as Soku. It becomes Soku when paired with Niku for some reason. (I don’t know why someone please help me.) Side by side the kanji 肉食 (nikusoku) means meat-eater.

食 is still interesting on it’s own. The 食べる (taberu) reading is normal eating. The 食う(kuu) reading is an innuendo. It can mean to devour someone, like a cannibal, or devour someone sexually.

Sukuna has made it very clear that his eating of people is literal. There’s no innuendo. In fact, if you read into it, he’ll kill you (rip Yorozu and Kashimo).

Gojo, however, appears to be his sole exception to this rule. When Sukuna tells Kashimo not to spoil his pleasure he uses the kanji 興 (kyou). This of course can be directly translated as pleasure, but the Chinese reading of it can also indicate intense excitement or sexual arousal.

Sukuna is pretty good at double-entendre wordplay if his earlier stunts with the kanji for Enchain doubling as Megumi Activities if read a different way is anything to go by. He's a fan of Chinese literature. It's not a stretch to assume there's more going on here.

And if notoriously homophobic Reddit dudebros are posting things like this. Maybe there's a lot more merit to this reading than I can currently grasp.

I’m still pretty convinced Sukuna is aroace. That of course doesn’t bar him from pursuing romantic or sexual relationships. Sometimes there’s the one exception. Sometimes the desire to be with and please an allo partner allows for engagement of activities they aren’t into. Sometimes the actions are pursued without the emotional attachment because they physically feel good. There’s also the gray-scale and demi labels to consider.

With that in mind, I want to emphasize this all points to how important Gojo is to Sukuna regardless of sexuality. He tried to engage with and understand Gojo on terms he won’t for anyone else. And he’s been pursuing this connection relentlessly since the start of manga.

Sukuna’s Negative Rizz

Ok I established that reading the Sukuna vs Gojo fight as unhinged courtship is supported by the text. That doesn’t really say anything about Sukuna sucking at it.

But, my dear reader, that in of itself is proof of his negative rizz. I had to sit down. Learn about Heian era and Shinto wedding rituals, learn more Japanese, splice seemingly unrelated manga panels together, read hentai, and know that Gege is into yaoi to come to this conclusion. I had to rip every little shred of characterization and context apart and rearrange it into something comprehensible.

You know who can’t do that? Gojo.

As far as Gojo is concerned, Sukuna hates him. Kisama is an extremely hostile you pronoun in modern times. And if Gojo can’t tell Shoko (his closest friend after Geto) is stressed over him being used like a meat puppet by her visibly falling back on her addiction, he’s going to default to the assumption Sukuna hates him just as much as everyone else.

And Gojo does just that. He assumes he failed to reach Sukuna. Despite how often they did hand to hand combat and weaponized their knowledge of each other, Gojo believes they never had proper conversation through fighting. He dies not understanding Sukuna, convinced the other was not trying to communicate with him at all.

And if you recall, all of this fight occurred while Sukuna was wearing Megumi’s face. That boy is pretty much Gojo’s adopted child. From my experience, most single parents do not go looking for clones of their kids as partners.

If someone wore the skin of my family member I would assume they were trying to torment me. And torment Gojo Sukuna does. He draws attention to Megumi’s soul being used as collateral and attacks him with the 10 Shadows. We as the audience know this is all for the sake of getting past Infinity using his Shrine. Gojo doesn’t know that. He’s fighting an evil dude who is puppeting the body of his son for god knows what reason.

Seriously, Sukuna sucks at communicating intent.

In Part 3 of my examination of Sukuna’s loneliness, I said Dismantle is a tool Sukuna uses to understand. And that him upgrading it by making Gojo the center of his world was indicative of his desire to reach him. I also said his refusal to use it on Yorozu was him expressing how little interest he had in her.

Yorozu is pissed by this. She sees it as Sukuna rejecting her and I don’t think she’s wrong. Sukuna saved his special Cursed Technique (CT) for Gojo while turning Yorozu down. If we’re considering all the wedding imagery and references that started with Yorozu, I’m certainly allowed to read that as him saving himself for Gojo. (Think of how he lied to Gojo about being the first one he killed.)

There’s also the fact that Yorozu saw their battle as an expression love and lust—that the usage of CT is a type of foreplay under certain circumstances since it is an extension of the self. Combine that with the established premise that fighting is a type of a communication thanks to Maki vs Sumo Guy and you can start to see the courtship logic behind Sukuna’s treatment of Gojo.

If we are to read “The one who will teach you love is…Sukuna” there’s another adorable caveat. Yorozu uses the you pronoun あなた (Anata) for Sukuna.

It’s an informal you pronoun used by people learning Japanese. Native speakers try to avoid using it as it can come across as rude. But in the context of love? This is colloquially called the wife pronoun as its often used by a wife to her husband.

If you wanted to localize its usage in the way Yorozu means it, Anata might become “you, dear”. So here we have Sukuna dressed in white, like a bride to Gojo’s groom, thinking of him as Anata.

The problem is, Gojo doesn’t know that. Sukuna never bothered to open his mouth and say this was an act of love. Sure he told Kashimo in the most roundabout way possible, but Gojo was the one who needed to hear that. If a courtship is going to be this diabolically complicated, there has to be clear hints for the other party. JJK is not Umineko where there’s a witch that can revive the dead over and over until the idiot finally understands this was all for them.

Gojo also doesn’t have access to the kanji Sukuna uses to describe certain techinques or words. He hears the phonetics and runs with whatever best fits the context. This means there’s no way for him to catch the double-meaning unless he’s a certain type of lingust, which he is not. His manner of speech and personal interests don’t line up with the flowery language of the Heian Era. The types of written works Gojo is into are historical war politics from the Sengoku period (known for violence more than the fine arts), Shonen manga, and physics/math.

And what's this? According to CFYOW (the canon light novels): JJK Thorny Road at Dawn, Chapter 3 Asakusabashi Elegy, Gojo doesn't even like ancient poetry. You know, the thing Sukuna enjoys and tries to communicate with.

The Kokin Wakashu Gojo off-handedly disparages is a compilation of Hiean Era poetry known as Waka. This was the primary means of communication amongst the noble class and spiritual leaders at the time. And the thing is, this poetry is supposed to be read into. Down to the quality of stroke and paper, not just the kanji written. Especially for courtship.

It’s not that Gojo is stupid. He just doesn’t specialize in the studies that would give him a more critical ear to Sukuna's words. And Sukuna doesn’t seem to understand that no one in the modern era communicates like this anymore.

If you didn’t know, this is why Japanese characters introduce themselves they often describe what kanji their name is spelled with. Take for example: Satoru. He uses the kanji 悟 meaning enlightenment. This kanji can be read as Go instead of Satoru. Additionally, the name Satoru can be written in kanji as 聡 for smart, 智 for wisdom, 知 for knowledge, 了 for understanding, 哲 for philosophy, 聖 for virtuous, or 暁 for daybreak. That’s 8 different kanji possible if you hear the name Satoru.

This is why Sukuna’s wordplay for everything else can be easily missed by other characters. They hear the words and cannot read the kanji like us. Context decides what Sukuna means for them. And since Sukuna’s context for most is violence and insults, it’s very hard for them to think about his words in any other way.

And boy howdy does Gojo miss it. Sukuna straight up calls him his husband and it took me several rereads to catch it. While mocking Gojo for being unable to open his domain, Sukuna calls him "painfully ordinary". This is localized from the word 凡夫 (bonpu) which can also be translated as unenlightened. (A layered insult! Sukuna is pretty much saying Gojo's sorcery is so boring he shouldn't even call himself the Honored One.)

The thing is...Bonpu is comprised of the 2 kanji 凡 for mediocre, and 夫 for husband. (Please note that there are many other ways to call Gojo a ditz without using the kanji for husband.) And an update from the Replies: Turns out there's layers to the gayness too.

It's come full fudging circle. Gojo came dressed as a groom for a wedding and Sukuna thinks they're already married. The miscommunication is off the rails.

But wait! There's more...

Earlier I mentioned that the kanji for Enchain doubles as Megumi Activities. Let's break that down more. (Unfortunately the Twitter account of the person I referenced may or may not be nuked so here's this screenshot I've doctored.)

So we have the translation of Enchain from 契闊 (Keikatsu), which might be better localized as Separation.

This term comes from a Chinese poem about lovers who are husband and wife in The Book of Odes, Section I (Lessons from the States), Chapter 3 (The Odes of Bei), Poem 31 (Banging the Drum). (Here's a link to the full poem and context of it.)

In summary, it’s about a soldier who is on the brink of death, having lost nearly everything after being abandoned by those in power, lamenting the happiest days of his life with his love are ones he can never get back. (Hey that sounds just like what Sukuna did to Yuji!)

Keikatsu specifically comes from this passage:

“Our vow is beyond death and life”, I and you are together I always remembered. I will hold your hand, And together we grow old.

Too pitiful we are faraway apart, The distance separates us to meet again! Too miserable this takes forever, And it does not let us fulfill our vow!

Keikatsu is used to exemplify how the physical distance between the husband and wife prevents them from fulfilling their wedding vows. And that's just what Keikatsu/Enchain does to Yuji and Megumi, it causes painful separation neither of them wanted.

Keikatsu also tells Yuji exactly how Sukuna plans to do it. 契(kei)闊(katsu) can be written as 恵(kei)活(katsu). The kanji 恵 can be read as Kei or...Megumi. (It's the literal kanji used for his name.) The kanji 活 (katsu) can mean "activities", which is how we get Enchain=Megumi Activities.

A two for one special! Sukuna mocks Yuji for being so close with Megumi while telling him exactly how he's going to destroy their relationship.

It seems this has nothing to do with Gojo until you consider the 3rd possible reading from wordplay with 契闊 (Keikatsu). The kanji 契 when read as Kei refers to a promise, pledge or vow. When 契 read as Chigi? It can refer to sexual intercourse, especially between husband and wife.

So we have 契闊(keikatsu, separation), 恵(kei Megumi)活(katsu, activities), and 契(kei chigi, spousal sex)活(katsu, activities). It's no wonder he erased Yuji's memory of it.

Keep in mind, that when Sukuna uses Keikatsu, the only vow that he has made at this point is his promise to kill Gojo. He eventually does that using Megumi's body during a fight framed between groom and bride. And for reasons beyond their control, Sukuna and Gojo have been unable to fulfill that vow through lengthy separation.

Notes from poem "Banging the Drum" Sukuna references include the following:

"And during the operation, he lost his horse, which was a desperate situation (horses in ancient time carried soldier supply and weapons, are life companion for soldiers in advance or retreat), he lost his horse, his supply, maybe his armor and weapons, and the road he was facing that we may lose his life so he may never go back. In all these mess, he started searching, and somehow at this hopeless moment he started to revisit his happiest moment, when he together vowed in marriage ceremony with his wife, and he was even afraid that he might never see his love again."

"And His last statement for his true value is his home, his love, his fulfillment of his vow is his true duty. Hero's duty is to pursue love."

In Buddhism, which JJK is heavily influenced by, horses are a pretty big deal. Horses can represent the path to enlightenment, especially since The Buddha's horse is what takes him on this journey away from his wife and children. They separate in the end though, the horse dying of a broken heart.

Remember how Sukuna called Gojo unenlightened? He sort of guided Gojo to enlightenment using Mahoraga, whose Eight-Handed title is a reference to the Eightfold Path to be followed for enlightenment. Buddhist enlightenment is centered around liberation from suffering. (Just check the wiki entry to verify this.) Infinity was the source of Gojo's suffering and Sukuna cut right through it.

Sukuna has been running around with a broken heart for a good chunk of the post-Gojo fight. And if you take that into consideration with this poem and all the other symbolism, he's somehow a Buddha, a Bodhisattva, the dying husband, the widowed wife, and the heartbroken horse all at the same time. Not unlike his wordplay taking on every possible meaning at once.

But my point here is that Sukuna might’ve seen his fight with Gojo as consummation of their marriage. (There's probably a joke in here about the husband reaching climax while leaving his wife unsatisfied.) Remember in the wise words of Itagaki Keisuke, "Fighting and sex are exactly the same!"

In Conclusion?

This is possibly one of the most bizarre and elaborate expressions of love I have lost my mind over. Sukuna gave everything Gojo ever wanted from Jujutsu violently. He did it in such an unpleasant and cruel way that the target of his affection thought there was nothing between them. Sukuna also hid his intent under social norms that no longer exist. Unless Gojo happened to be into ancient literature, there was never a scenario where he would catch onto this. Sukuna's failure is critical on multiple levels.

It’s impressive. It really is. No one knows how Sukuna’s strange little brain works so he’s stuck being loner without anyone that fully understands him. (I’m still thinking about how Uraume didn’t know Sukuna was a twin for over 1,000 years.) He’d have to let people in and tell him outright, but he’s just like Gojo so I guess that’s never happening.

[vaguely-concerned]

entertaining the mental image of my hawke listening to varric rambling on about solas during the earlier parts of the search for him, and eventually breaking him off with mock-alarm and dismay to go 'wait, wait... varric, are you trying to say, is this your way of telling me -- am I the other woman?' and then varric has to threaten to drown his best friend in his beer if he doesn't shut up right now (but actually honestly grins for the first time in a week)

[aureatescars]

Sasha is thankful for Leon taking over when he gets a little too caught up in his own thoughts again. Leon doesn't have to do it and Sasha would be able to manage on his own, but rather than being irritated by Leon taking over a task for him he feels nothing but relief. It makes the heavy thoughts and feelings less stark, softens the edges that cut deep into his mood. And when he finds Leon's gaze gentle with understanding and sympathy Sasha feels a little more warm and a little less like he made yet another mistake.

Still, it's no surprise that the memories and the regrets that come with them don't fade immediately even as the two of them settle at the table. Leon is the one to break the silence, pulling Sasha back from trying to pinpoint the exact day he last had any sort of contact with his mother.

He doesn't expect Leon to ask about her again, half expected him to stir the conversation somewhere else, quip at him, tease him about putting all this effort into making this dish and then not immediately digging in. But this isn't anywhere near that, it's not him being pushy either, he's merely giving Sasha an opportunity to speak about her if he really wants to.

"I—" He hesitates at first, but finds that despite the guilt and regrets he really wants to tell Leon about her. "Yes," he says then. "Closer than most from what I understand." Much like Leon he goes about stirring his stew with his spoon, but then pauses to grab a bit of bread to cut into smaller pieces with his knife to eventually dip it into the stew. "I don't have any siblings, and my father..." Sasha winces. "That's a whole different story." And one he doesn't want to get into right now. "Let's just say it was just me and her from my early teens on. She tried to be there for me best she could, but her working hours as a nurse meant I was left to my own devices a lot."

He shakes his head. "In hindsight that clearly wasn't the best thing... I was an angry teenager, lashed out at just about everyone, and in general got myself into a lot of trouble." He sighs and thinks of J.D., always loyal, always at his side no matter what. Yes, he'd been a troublemaker, but Sasha was just as bad, if not worse. He pushes the thought of his late best friend aside. "But still, she always believed in me. I can see that now." He makes a dismissive gesture with one hand. "However, back then she was disappointed I didn't live up to my potential of course, but no matter how angry she was with me, she'd always be there when I needed her." He looks down at his knuckles, a few small scars, old ones, draw taught over them as he flexes his fingers. "There was this one night..." He considers whether or not he really wants to tell Leon about it, but realizes that the other has seen far worse sides of him by now. "Worst fight I've ever gotten into as a teenager was because some lowlife was harassing Irina."

Worst not because Sasha was heavily injured, but rather because he almost did something back then he could never have taken back. Christ, Irina and him had barely been seventeen. "Broke his nose, and his jaw, a few ribs, too, probably..." He remembers that night very vividly, even after all these years. Not because of the pain, but because of the way Irina had to pull him away before he could do something stupid, the way she looked at him, full of fear, was something that twisted his entire perception of himself. He tells Leon as much now, although it rings hollow given all that he has done since.

Once again he is grateful that Leon doesn't point out his hypocrisy, but rather just keeps listening to his tale. "I took Irina home, but we didn't even say goodnight." He sighs, remembers how it had stung that she didn't even glance back at him before entering her parents' house. "I don't even really remember how I got home after that." He looks up from his food then, both of them having slowly made their way through dinner. It helps with the nostalgia somehow, eating something so familiar. Memories slowly clear away before his inner eye until he's no longer looking at fragments of his past, but at Leon. There is no judgment in his eyes, no pity either, he simply listens, and for once in his life, Sasha in turn can't stop talking. "I just remember that when I opened the door my mother was right there waiting for me, she took one good look at me, and before saying anything she got the first aid kit, sat me down and started cleaning my busted knuckles." He smiles slightly, but has to swallow around a lump that formed in his throat throughout recounting these events. "And then, after wrapping them up, she said: 'I'm sorry.' As if she was the one to blame for what I did."

His tone turns exasperated and he has to blink away a bit of moisture from his eyes. To his surprise it's easy to admit to the next thing. "I broke down and cried like a child for the first time in years." Saying so is accompanied by a shrug, but Sasha remembers the anguish he had felt, any embarrassment about it he has long since made his peace with. He was a child back then. Lost and afraid.

"I straightened myself out after that, for her, for Irina, but also for myself." He leans heavily against the backrest of his wheelchair, it creaks quietly. A reminder of his most recent, most cutting mistake.

He lowers his gaze back to the bowl. "But I guess I haven't really changed after all, have I?" All it took was a catalyst and he fell right back into that anger he felt as an adolescent. Only now it was a raging fury fueled by grief and without Irina there to rein him in, he spiralled completely out of control and took J. D. down with him.

He pushes the remaining bits of his food around with his spoon. "Maybe it's for the best if she thinks I'm dead."

There is a hint of sorrow around the smile Sasha gives Leon in turn, but he bites back the self- deprecating comment that sits on the tip of his tongue. I used to be. He still thinks quietly to himself as he turns back around in order to not give Leon enough time to decipher the emotion he's sure to be present on his face. Leon has developed quite a way of reading him these days, or maybe Sasha has become less guarded, either way, he doesn't want this to devolve into an argument, so he simply takes the compliment. He isn't sure that after everything he's done he could still call himself that, but hearing Leon say so has him think that maybe, despite never being able to amend the wrongs he did, he can still do better than before.

It's not long until dinner is ready after that and the genuine excitement in Leon's expression and tone when he comes to check up on the food has Sasha's pensive mood from before dissolve into something more mellow, almost content. Smiling suits him Sasha thinks, not for the first time, as he looks up at Leon. Then, because he cannot help it, he nudges Leon in the side again when he, once again, manages to stand right infront of the cabinet Sasha needs to open.

"She did," Sasha says as he pulls out a bowl. "I'm not half the cook she is, but you'll have to make do." There is no bitterness there, but his tone is a little wistful now that his thoughts stray back to simpler times. He pauses in his actions of filling the food from the steaming pot into the bowl. "I haven't talked to her since Irina's death." He says quietly, not really meaning to, but he's taken aback by the realization that the words fall from his lips unbidden. He wonders if she is doing well, and then, within the same breath, he wonders if she thinks he died in the war.

The wave of guilt hits him hard as he stares down at the pot of steaming stew, taking in the familiar smell, nostalgia mingles with regret. If he reached out to her now would she even want to speak to him? Would she recognize the man he'd become?

Would she forgive him?

The touch of a hand to his shoulder has him startle from his thoughts and he looks up at Leon, his own hands still frozen mid-action. "Sorry." His voice cracks on the word. He clears his throat, then attempts to get back to the task at hand without spilling food everywhere. "Just getting lost in my own head." Again.