#it's not like i've given him much else to do
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random turn ons ♡ - lads headcanons
prompt: just some things i think would get the boys in the mood that aren't inherently naughty ;) rating: n-fw, 18+, minors dni cw: slight smut, implied fem!reader, some physical descriptions given (mostly vague, but please feel free to imagine mc however you like, regardless of what i've written!) ✉︎♡: ask box open, tumblr users + anons
Xavier: -Lounge wear! -Because it means he can probably convince you to take a nap with him, but also because no one else has the privilege of seeing you wearing that -He likes literally every type of lounge wear, but he is partial to tight fitting shorts and lace camisoles -His hands will wander while you’re watching TV, fingers brushing against the skin on your stomach and your thighs -You: “What are you doing, Xav?” Xavier: “Hmm? Oh, nothing. Just think you feel so soft.” -He’ll make sure to plant plenty of kisses on every inch of skin he can reach, hiking up your shirt to kiss there, too -Also unabashedly into watching you eat anything that could be taken sexually -Ice cream? Forget about it. Popsicles? He’s gonna cream his jeans -He just really loves watching your lips close around certain things -“Maybe you can show me how you do that later?”
Zayne: -Sundresses -There’s just something about the way the summer air billows through the fabric, framing your body, each particularly strong gust showing him the tiniest peak of your ass -If the straps fall off of your shoulder, so help him now he might just have to make a quick detour with you somewhere private -Also loves when you try on his glasses, even though he’s far too pragmatic to admit it -You: “Do I look smart enough, Dr. Zayne?” Zayne, trying to hide the blush blooming on his cheeks: “Smart? Yes, of course. Let’s go with that.” -Will fully make out with you when you’re wearing his glasses, pulling you onto his lap in his office to help him relieve some of the pressure building up from seeing you in them -When you realize this, you make sure to steal them more often, feigning innocent the entire time so that he doesn’t catch on to your schemes
Rafayel: -You know those cliche videos of women getting out of the pool in slow motion? Yeah, that’s what Raf sees every time you go swimming or get out of the shower -Your wet hair slicked back, water droplets clinging to you skin, the glow of the light reflecting shimmery sunshine -Eyes would do that cartoony ‘awooga’ if they could -Pulling you against him, he says, “You got me all wet, guess we’ll have to take off these clothes, huh?” -Also super into your hands -As an artist, he appreciates the nuances of the human body, and you are his forever his muse -He’ll play with your fingers, turning your palm over in his hand, kissing each individual digit -Usually leads to your hands moving to touch him elsewhere, his dramatic ass claiming all breathy that he’s being touched by the hands of a goddess
Sylus: -Putting your hair up The first time you do this is during a sparring session with him in his boxing ring -You: “Hold up, my hair is in the way.” Sylus: “You’re giving your opponent too much time to plan their next move, kitten.” -You bend over to secure the hair tie in place, and when you flip your head back up Sylus.exe has stopped functioning -He rips the velcro on his boxing glove free with his teeth and corners you in the ring -“Distracting your prey is a good move, too,” he’ll murmur in between kisses -Yeah he’s definitely using that hair tie to pull your hair in bed later -Also loves watching you do your makeup -Will stand in the doorway in the bathroom, one leg crossed over the other to hide how absolutely turned on he is watching the way your mouth slightly hangs open when you put on mascara -You know by now to start getting ready early so you and Sylus have enough time for a quickie before you leave
Caleb: -Cute marks on your face -He absolutely gushes over dimples, birthmarks, freckles, or beauty marks -Likes to poke each place they mark your skin and if you get annoyed with him when he does this, he will only laugh and then kiss each one -The easiest way to get Caleb absolutely feral for you is to wear his tshirts or hoodies -You devise the plan when he is in the shower, taking his favorite shirt and spraying his cologne on it, before pulling it over your naked body -When Caleb enters the room, towel already hanging dangerously low on his hips, he stops in his tracks when he sees you -“My favorite shirt and my favorite girl. Do you want to take it off now or should I ruin both of you tonight?” -Definitely going to take you from behind while you’re wearing it, both of your smells mingling on his skin and driving him crazy
#love and deepspace#lads sylus#lads caleb#lads zayne#lads xavier#lads rafayel#lads imagines#lads headcanons#lads fic#love and deepspace imagines#love and deepspace headcanons#lnds sylus#lnds caleb#lnds xavier#lnds rafayel#lnds zayne#lnds imagines#lnds headcanons#lnds#lads#lnds smut#lads smut#love and deepspace smut#sylus smut#caleb smut#xavier smut#zayne smut#rafayel smut
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hey, its me again, back with more Starscream thoughts, so you just know things are about to get uncomfortably real and introspective! Again, prefacing by saying that a lot of my analysis is based on my own eerily similar experiences to Starscream, so I'm not 100% sure how much of this actually rings true and what is just me projecting.
I have entirely fallen down the StarOp rabbit hole thanks to you, at a speed I never could have expected. When I first finished TFP and started browsing the tags, I'd see the occasional StarOp post and at best be like "alright, sure" and at worst a little confused on where it was coming from, given the infrequency of interactions between the two after like, early season 1. But since I sent that first ask in it just clicked and like.
Before, I was always of the opinion that Starscream joining the autobots was something that could never really work from a character perspective, not just because of his dependency on Megatron like I talked about last time, but like, even if Megatron was completely out of the picture I never felt like the full on redemption and becoming a functioning member of post-war society that becoming an Autobot would entail would particularly be desirable to Starscream (if even possible for reasons both in and out of his control.)
I sorta felt like any good ending for Starscream would have to entail him moreso escaping the narrative than anything else, given the extent to which he's stuck in this cycle almost on a cosmic level, with how he's unable to escape it in any universe, any continuity, which of course ties into wider thoughts on how this franchise seems uninterested in letting Starscream ever escape that cycle. A sort of El Camino style ending, where leaving behind everything you know and running away to Alaska is considered a good ending, all things considered. That naturally led to me shipping him with Knockout, given their chemistry and the fact that they were this close to running away together, it just felt like the most compelling option, narratively speaking.
But now that I've caught onto the StarOp agenda, I've sorta cracked the code and realized that you can make a compelling and believable path to Starscream becoming an Autobot by having him getting together with Optimus initially be on a subconscious level an outlet to recreate the cycle he was in with Megatron purely because he's used to it and doesn't know how to live without it.
Outside of the obvious ideological and moral differences, Optimus and Megatron have a lot in common, especially from the perspective of Starscream. They're both big, strong, masculine figures, and natural-born leaders that effortlessly compel those around them to fight for their respective causes. They both radiate power in a way that I imagine you can almost feel when around them (and in a way I know it, because that's often how it felt being around my personal Megatron, it's why it was so easy to fall back into his arms over and over.)
All this to say, when Starscream gets with Optimus, he's not escaping the cycle, he's changing his target. If he became an autobot he would instantly become the most dedicated autobot, not out of any ideological reasoning or particular desire to be good, but out of an intense loyalty he effortlessly placed in Optimus. But of course, the loyalty phase is only half of this cycle.
This next part I'm heavily basing on what I've realized about my own experiences, so bear with me for a second, (I also doesn't think it exactly applies to TFP as much as it does some other continuities, G1 maybe but I haven't seen much of G1 so idk for sure) but I feel like sometimes Starscream almost tests Megatron in a way when he feels like Megatron's priorities are drifting away from him, (since remember, he needs to be the most important bot in his life, Starscream is desperate for Megatron to be as obsessed with him as he is with Megatron.) so Starscream will sort of do something stupid, maybe he comes up with some harebrained scheme that's probably not gonna work, or he makes some tactical or administrative decision entirely based on what he's feeling on an emotional level, to see "will Megatron back me on this?"
because Megatron does stuff like that all the time, he's far from being a better tactician than Starscream, (notice how the moment Starscream leaves in season 1, the decepticons stop winning like, at all until he comes back?) and he makes rash decisions out of anger all the time, and Starscream goes along with all of it, every single time, so it's only fair that Megatron lets him get away with doing something kinda stupid this once. and when Megatron inevitably doesn't, either because it would work against the Decepticons own goals, or purely because he doesn't want Starscream to think he has power over him, (and despite how good he is at hiding it, Starscream does have power over him in a lot of ways, I might talk about that some other time.) Starscream lashes out, betrays Megatron, and leaves, because once again all the loyalty he gave to Megatron got him nothing in return.
and let's be clear, Starscream doing this is toxic as fuck, but at the same time of course it is, it's almost impossible not to become toxic in an environment like this. And that really comes back to bite you when you get out of that environment, but on a base level still have these habits and base level impulses that might have helped you survive back then but are terrible for the actually decent people you've surrounded yourself with now.
With that, we cut to today, where Starscream is an autobot and he tries to pull one of these "tests" on Optimus because the honeymoon phase is over and Starscream is instinctually ready for things to start getting worse, maybe they had like, one minor argument and Starscream instantly assumed the worst. and I imagine Optimus "fails" the test, says "no, I'm not backing you on this, I'm not gonna let you do that", but unlike Megatron who does so while prioritizing his own ends and his control over Starscream, Optimus is saying no for moral reasons. And I imagine he tries to explain that to Starscream, but that answer isn't hitting him properly because again, Starscream's only thinking in loyalty.
Everything Optimus thought was progress on Starscream's part in living up to autobot ideals was really just newfound intense loyalty to Optimus, his growth was really just him doing what he thinks Optimus would want him to do and what he thinks would gain him Optimus's loyalty in return. and, from Starscream's perspective, it didn't work, so he's thinking "obviously Optimus doesn't care about me at all, fuck him, I'm out of here." so he makes this big display of betraying the autobots and running away.
and from there, it's the question of if Optimus sees through what this is really about. The other autobots are probably no help in that regard, they all probably fall into one of two groups, the "At no point in time was I not 100% sure that this inevitably was going to happen" group, and the "I mean, I had hope for him, and it seemed like he was doing good, but I'm still not that surprised" group.
But of course, Optimus isn't Megatron, he does care about Starscream and wants him to know that, so I imagine he actually tries tracking down Starscream to have an actual conversation with him to try and figure out where his mind has really been at these past few months, and if he catches on to even a little bit of the subtext of what I've been saying here, he's gonna be like "oh shit, there is a lot more we need to work on than I thought."
and yeah, Megatron fucked up Starscream in ways that its gonna take years to properly unpack, so Starscream is lucky to have found quite possibly the best person to help him through it in Optimus. It's gonna be a rocky road, but Optimus is in for the ride.
and I do think this relationship could eventually become healthy, and I like reading fics where they've managed to make it healthy, but I do think at first it really wouldn't be, and as someone with the autism that makes you obsessed with themes and motifs and subtext, the process of seeing it become better, of seeing Starscream have to unlearn these old harmful defense mechanisms, THAT is really what makes my brain vibrate, especially because I've had to go through that same process myself after finally getting away from my personal Megatron for what I'm thankfully certain now is the final time.
also kinda realizing a lot of this kinda sounds like borderline personality disorder, which. that might be something I have to look into in regards to myself, damn. anyways, yeah, thanks for letting me kill the vibe again, appreciate it! I'll probably try and keep these shorter in the future, I imagine it's kind of a lot to suddenly have 1500 words of deep character analysis with hints of traumadumping suddenly thrown in your askbox lol. If this actually was a bit too much then I'm sorry, you can tell me to dial it down a little if you want.
and this, right here, is why starop is my favorite transformers ship.
you really hit the nail on the head with this one. when done well, it's not only cute and fun to explore, but it's also a deep dive into starscream as a character and what could possibly lead to a redemption arc. sure, you don't need starscream to fall in love with optimus to redeem him, but how that would actually play out is so fascinating.
sure, i love aus where starscream is an autobot spy the whole time. yes, i love aus where they were in love in the past and got separated. but the idea of starscream replacing megatron with optimus in his mind fits him so well, because, as an abuse victim myself, it's easy to find yourself drawn to people who remind you of your abuser.
and that's where optimus' kindness sets him apart, because when starscream pushes back on him, optimus doesn't do what starscream expects. he doesn't lash out or hit him or verbally berate him. he responds with honest concern, trying to figure out what's wrong.
and that kindness, that sincerity, is something starscream doesn't even realize he's been missing the entire time.
i do believe they have the potential to be healthy, but the fight towards them actually becoming healthy and helping starscream get out of his toxic mindset is part of what makes these two so damn compelling.
always happy to have another starop fan.
(also you don't have to worry about toning it down lmao, gods know i ramble like a maniac about my favorite things. i'm not gonna be the one to judge)
#there's a reason why this ship is so damn compelling for me#it seriously doesn't get enough appreciation and that's a huge shame#transformers#starscream#optimus prime#starop#starprime#starscream x optimus prime#maccadam#cw abuse#answering things
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Welcome to the show, folks!
This site is really fun from what I've seen so far... although I do have to comment on the lack of other Cookies on it!
What a shame, truly... that means less people to talk to, y'know.
Oh, and it sure is boring just sitting around and waiting for something to happen. Alas, I am trapped inside some sort of labyrinth, and my options are limited.
But hey! There's always something new on the internet, amirite? Boy, are a lot of you dirty little liars... Hehehe...
//mod will remain anonymous and goes by he/they pronouns
the plotline for shadow milk cookie himself is after being freed from the silver tree, but then being put into a different form of containment afterwards. for some reason i wanted him to be in an ikea, so this different containment just so happens to be a fucked up version of ikea. shadow milk cookie is essentially stuck in the infinite ikea, but not exactly, since it's not an scp and it's my own take on the matter. basically, it's like the cookie run equivalent of ikea since it's made with materials seen in the cookie run universe, and he can't physically leave it usually.
it is unknown to others what entity sealed him away here, and even shadow milk cookie himself claims to not know what it is. given how he's unwilling to talk about it most of the time, he is either lying completely or only telling a half truth. furthermore, he's not willing to divulge much information about the place he's stuck in aside from ominous answers that leave people with more questions. if he ever has visitors, he's more than eager to toy with them a bit, especially since they're exceedingly rare. good luck getting out though...
when he does appear to others in the real cookie world, it's typically as an illusion or ghost-like figure from him using his powers to project himself back into reality, so he's translucent. furthermore, he can still do voice impressions, so sometimes he will only be a disembodied voice, as this is easier and more entertaining to him. it is also more common than an actual appearance of him.
he can still have some effect on the real cookie world and can choose to be tangible or not, but is usually the latter. it's incredibly taxing for him to use his abilities nowadays, so he has to remain in his alternate reality, constantly trying to find a way out. it's been so long that he can somewhat control the environment with his powers, but for the most part it seems like something else is in control of the space. sometimes he can forcibly open up a gateway out, but will always have to return since there's always this unknown force dragging him back...
general dni, but if i find you annoying i might block you too
no nsfw, but some flirting is okay (don't expect shadow milk cookie to reciprocate in a genuine way though; he'd likely just see it as a joke) shipping generally depends because i honestly have NO idea who's he's even shipped with but. yeah. feel free to ask or try to plan something with me in advance
i'm generally okay with either silly or serious roleplays, so have fun! i won't bite, i promise. (unless, of course... i'm lying? who knows...)
i encourage oc interactions, as well as canon character interactions! i'm also fairly open to cross-fandom roleplays if it really comes to it
fun fact: this is THE most effort i have put into an intro post. credit for the eye dividers goes to sisterlucifergraphics, and credit for the other shadow milk cookie assets goes to phantasyze. is this blog kind of self indulgent? yes, and i freely admit this. i think he deserves to be in a hellish solitary confinement dimension though.
#cookie run kingdom#cookierun kingdom#cr kingdom#shadow milk crk#shadow milk cookie#crk#crk shadow milk cookie#cookie run kingdom au#(<- technically)#cookie run kingdom rp#crk roleplay#crk rp#shadow milk cookie crk#shadow milk cookie cookie run kingdom
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Thank you so much for these tags! You get it, you get where I'm coming from. I think there is actually a lot to Bill as a character, revealed not even just by Book of Bill (which I'm not finished with yet but has already given me some pretty valuable insight) but by the show itself. Mind you, Bill has a LOT of work to do if there is to be any trust gained for him. Reading Journal 3 has made everything he's done so much worse, as well as his general lack of empathy. Bill actually has three interesting traits that make him a reflection of each of the Stan twins- of course, you can look at his deal making first. He's always intending to come out on top, often not even bothering to perform his end of the bargain. His deals are not binding, his words mean nothing, it's all just for the handshake that allows his powers to work. He's good at manipulating people (especially people with egos to stroke), and that of course is much like Stan. But would you believe me if I said his creativity is more important in his and Stan's bonding?
They are both creative people, and not just in their scams either. Bill has a sort of fun creativity in how he even approaches the world he wants to create. He's yearning for more, he dreams big. Yes, I do think that's something that Stan has always done. Stan dreams beyond hope. Stan taught himself how to work the portal with the lofty dream of somehow pulling his brother out of whatever he had been sucked into. When it comes to dreams, Bill and Stan do that like no other. As for Ford... I've mentioned this in a previous post, but Ford has a very negative trait, brought about probably by the trauma of cutting off his brother, but he has this tendency to view people as what they can DO for him, and can cut them off when they stop being useful. There are some very scary implications of things Bill would have done to Dipper and Mabel in Journal three that show his lack of empathy, and overall, he's not human. Humanity is a difficult thing for a creature like him to grasp because he never was. He's separated from it, and that makes it easier to see everyone as what they can do for him. That is an important thing that both Ford and Bill share, and something that makes Ford deeply reflect on himself and his relationship with his family at large, especially on how he used to see Dipper. ... Unrelated to everything else, but-
God you people are funny.
Quick practice of the world's worst polycule and an extremely rough summary of their relationships within
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one of my many many many arr*w related grievances is that people in the fandom (including in the laurel lance sub fandom) are very hesitant or even outright refuse to admit that quentin lance was an extremely emotionally abusive father. i still don't understand why that is.
#the thing is it's not like you have to go deep to see the abuse#it's actually quite in your face literally from day one which is why i'm forever raising an eyebrow at all the praise he gets#he was an extremely emotionally explosive man who constantly verbally or emotionally abused and manipulated laurel#he shredded her self esteem and confidence#he kept her shackled to him out of selfishness and made her small so he could continue to control her#and eventually he was the direct cause of her violent death#like what's not clicking?#he's john winchester* and yet for whatever reason he still doesn't get the john winchester treatment and i'll never understand why#is it because he more openly loved his children? because abusers often love their victims. it doesn't change the abuse#this rant coming to you because i'm trying to shift back into htlgi mode for the new year so i can at least try to get something posted soo#and i know i've talked about how i'm going to be tackling laurel's mommy issues but with the mommy issues come the inevitable daddy issues#and something i'm currently struggling with is that i....don't think laurel will ever be able to save herself from that man#especially not htlgi laurel#she is simply not capable of removing herself from that cycle of abuse. not where she is right now. maybe not ever.#which means 🤔#what if - and i'm just spitballing here - i kill him off?#........😏#oh that does sound satisfying ngl#it's not like i've given him much else to do#he mostly pops up every now and then to trigger both dean's fight or flight daddy issues and his overprotective husband issues#hmmm#anti quentin lance#arrow discourse#(*my hot take is that i think quentin lance is worse than john winchester. disclaimer: yes i'm aware that's an unpopular opinion.#i'm also aware it's ~cringe~ to be arrow posting in 2023 almost 2024 but this is how long it takes me to write lol)
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Sukuna’s Loneliness Part 4 (Sukuna’s Negative Rizz)
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 5
Some warnings before we start.
1) This analysis deals with sexual topics.
2) I will be mainly using the TCB scans because of their accessibility. Raws are from mangareader(.)to.
3) This was written as of JJK 262 266. (I'm just going to keep updating this until I stop finding things I should've noticed earlier.)
4) The raws broke me in ways you cannot possibly imagine.
(Click images for captions/citations.)
Fighting as Communication
Baki the Grappler. This is a manga where men destroy each other’s bodies as a test of strength. It’s poorly written but the art is terrifying and I love it so dearly. Between fights of extreme violence and body horror the characters eat. And that’s it. That’s the manga.
I bring Baki up because Gege is a huge fan of Fujimoto Tatsuki, the creator of Chainsawman. Fujimoto is a fan of Gege too, but more importantly, he is a huge fan of Itagaki Keisuke, the creator of Baki. (His daughter made Beastars btw.) In a way, this means Jujutsu Kaisen has been influenced by Baki. But that’s not a surprise, a lot of manga is.
Itagaki’s work is so massively influetial on Japanese media that it’s kind of hard to grasp since it’s not as popular overseas. When listening to interviews from various Japanese creators, Baki will often be cited as a major influence. And the thing is, you can tell when a creative has read Baki. There’s nothing quite like it. If you’ve read Baki and consume Chainsawman, you will see its bones everywhere. I feel the same about Jujutsu Kaisen.
The main antagonist in Baki is Yujiro Hanma. He is the strongest creature alive. So much so that he has no one to call a rival. He’s bored. He causes trouble. He kills his wife to motivate his son, Baki into becoming stronger. His son, Baki, who he grooms into becoming a fighter that might beat him in combat one day. Kind of sounds like Sukuna, right?
But that’s not my point here. My focus is how Baki doubles as a discussion about strength and manhood. It’s aggressively bisexual. Men love each other with their fists. Straight up the main character says having sex with women is the same thing as fighting men.
And it just doesn’t stop there. The homoerotic nature of the fights is never shyed away from. Here’s an example of my favorite.
He grabs his balls and compliments their size. That’s pretty gay, right? Well there’s this reanimated prehistoric caveman called Pickle that fights Baki’s brother Jack. And how do they fight? They kiss.
I didn’t call it a kiss. Itagaki did. I didn’t say they melded together. Itagaki did. This mangaka overtly calls attention to the homoerotic nature of men fighting men, and how men communicate their love for each other through violence. And yes, it’s sexual. Itagaki wants you to read it that way.
But sometimes he doesn’t want you to read it that way. Sometimes the fights are a dialogue, an emotional conversation. Like one between father and son.
Itagaki is a master of narrative framing. When he wants you to feel a certain way, you will feel it. He also tells his readers that there’s more to the fights than just fighting.
Those are the ideas that help me see the bones of Baki in other works. Men loving men with violence. Men communicating with men through violence. I see these ideas in Jujutsu Kaisen too.
Jujutsu Communication
I’ve gone over how Yuji commucates with other people on their own terms. And a lot of it is through fighting. A conversation without words, learning how someone works. Yuji is good at using fights as tool of communication.
But he’s not the one who tells you that there’s more to the fights than just fighting. Maki does in her spar with the sumo guy.
Just like Baki. Fighting is a means of communication. Gege has told you that there can be more to the fights than fighting. It's a tool used to understand the self and others.
With that in mind, I want to reexamine a particular fight under the lens of Baki rather than Umineko.
Sukuna vs Gojo
Baki tells you that homoerotic readings of its fights are intentional. If you ask me, this probably stems from historical stances on masculinity and homosexuality in ancient Japan. Men loved men and women differently, but both were ok. That’s how Baki can have a girlfriend and his gay fights. Peak bisexual optimization.
What does Jujutsu Kaisen have to do with this? Well it has been extremely queer friendly. We have a multidue of canonical trans characters, non-binary characters, and other flavors of queer characters not disparaged for their identities, Gojo Satoru included. It may not be stated outright, but Gojo and Geto do love each other in a gay way. The subtext is so persisent it’s basically text.
In other words, Gege has already told us, yes please have queer readings of this text. It’s the same way Baki tells you, yes this is straight up convoluded gay sex. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to reread the Sukuna and Gojo fight as some ridiculous mating display between two men who are fighting over can miscommunicate their intent the hardest.
Framed as Courtship
Let’s start with the framing. The pre-fight set up. How does text tell you queer readings are allowed?
Kenjaku does. It’s romantic. It’s a date. This reading has been made valid explicitly. And if there’s room for doubt because of the sarcasm? There’s still additional support for it.
We already know how badly in love Gojo is with Geto. The fight is on the 24th of December, the most romantic day in Japan. And in a fun little Geto parallel, who declared the start of war on this day, violence underlines this new romantic venture.
That doesn’t include Sukuna who recalls Yorozu’s words about teaching love in the context of marriage.
Gojo never heard that conversation which is why the next point is absolutely insane.
The outfit Gojo initially is in resembles that of a groom at a Shinto wedding.
Shinto weddings were implemented after the Heian era. Part of the ceremony includes a priest and a shrine maiden who respectively stand to the right and left of the altar. A purification ritual will occur, lead by the priest, to cleanse the shrine before vows are exchanged. Gakuganji is the priest and Utahime is the shrine maiden. To the right and left of Gojo respectively.
The bride at a Shinto wedding wears mainly white. After the 200% Hollow Purple cleanses the area, the dark shawl is removed and Sukuna remains in mostly white.
How interesting that this battle has been framed as one between groom and bride.
The thing is, marriage in the Heian era was far more lax. There were no major ceremonies. If a man was interested in marrying a woman, he would visit her for 3 nights after receiving approval from her father. Upon the passing of their 3rd night together, the family would have an informal celebration of their union in private. Even after marriage, multiple partners were allowed and sometimes encouraged.
Yorozu’s big celebration proposal to Sukuna and banning of concubines was quite improper by Heian standards. Though it is in line with modern marriages. If Sukuna did not consume any Shinto wedding literature, he probably didn’t recognize that Gojo was dressed as a groom.
But did Gojo dress this way for Sukuna intentionally? The Toji fit served an entirely different purpose. It’s the robes and pre-fight ceremony that catch my attention. So I propose the following:
1) Gojo dressed up as a groom to die and be wed with his one and only Geto in death.
2) Gojo dressed up as a groom in part as an offering to Sukuna. And because Sukuna is from the Heian era it went over his head entirely.
3) Gojo intended for both of these things at the same time and left who he would end up with to fate.
Regardless of what Gojo was going for here, it’s a visual cue combined with the knowledge of it being Dec 24th that encourages the reader to perhaps consider the fight as something other than just a fight. A date perhaps? Kenjaku made the connection and neither Gojo or Sukuna really denied it. Gojo gave the weak excuse of a death anniversary confusion. But much weirder, given how hostile he was to Yorozu, Sukuna did not object to the romantic framing in any capacity.
Am I reaching? Is this reading intentional?
When I start getting this confused by how a translated work wants me to read it, I try to refer to the original language text and anyone who knows it for missing context. Sometimes localizations add things that weren’t there or push readers towards one interpretation. So for the rest of this analysis, I’m going to be focusing on the raws.
I’m going to be honest. My Japanese fudging sucks. I can barely read kanji and can’t reliably translate anything. Feel free to correct me if I got something wrong. That being said, with what little I do know, I have discovered something interesting.
In this post I talked about how weird Sukuna’s manner of speech is. I focused on his you pronoun usage of お前 (Omae) for everyone else and 貴様 (Kisama) for Gojo since this is a strong indicator of how a character views their relationship to someone.
Here's a summary of the two points I made in that post:
1) Omae is informal and either a casual thing amongst peers or indicates the speaker's higher status. Since Sukuna is arrogant, we can reasonably assume he's talking down to people.
2) Kisama historically was a formal show of respect, but in modern times it is a hostile insult, much more rude than Omae. Since Sukuna is 1,000 years old and hates Yuji (who he uses Omae with), we can reasonably assume Sukuna was being friendly to Gojo when he used Kisama.
With that pronoun usage in mind, while examining the raws for the infamous “You Cleared My Skies” speech I found this:
Kisama. Sukuna is very happy and lavishing Gojo with praise. The assumption it was formal from the start seems to be correct. It's hard to read this any other way.
Though Japanese can easily be dubious in its interpretation, there are instances where context can cut off all other readings. I truly believe this one of those cases.
Now, to confirm Sukuna is still only treating Gojo this way I started looking at his you pronouns as he got excited post-Gojo death. Maki is the person he seems to admire the most.
He’s still just using Omae. What does that mean? Gojo is in his own fudging category for Sukuna and he has been there since the start of the manga. (For more on why this is significant, refer to this post.)
Wow ok. That’s pretty intense! We’ve got Gojo dressed up as a groom on December 24th and Sukuna treating Gojo different from anyone else. I read their fight again under the lens of explicit courtship and focused in on these specific panels.
Satisfaction. Now that’s a word that can easily carry a sexual connotation. Love as well. The parallel syntax fascinated me in English. So I decided to look at the raws and see how close they are.
Pretty much the same except for "the one who will teach you love" and "the one satisfying him now". Since the one being satisfied is Gojo by Sukuna, it really seems we can assume the one being taught love is Gojo by Sukuna.
Time to learn some Japanese again!
Kanji has multiple readings. Most have at least two. The Onyomi (Chinese) reading typically used for nouns and the Kunyomi (Japanese) reading typically used for verbs. (This is not always the case but it’s the basics.)
That’s probably why 満 is read as まん (man) when Gojo and Geto are talking about “satisfaction” using the On version and み (mi), the Kun version, when the narrator is talking about who “satisfies” who.
However 満 on its own does not mean satisfaction. It means full. To be filled. Or fullness. 足 (zoku) is added as a modifier after 満 to be read as satisfaction 満足 (manzoku). 足 usually means feet, but it can also mean to be sufficient. Manzoku therefore has a direct translation of being sufficiently full. It’s not a surprise a lot of food places in Japan use Manzoku in their names or advertising.
But what’s this? Why is this sentence written as 満たして or Mi(tashite) instead of 満足して or Manzoku(shite)? The addition of Zoku is what transforms Man into "satisfying". Without the Zoku, it’s just "fill". The means this sentence can be read as “The one filling him up now is—”
We’ve already established that the blank is Sukuna. The new problem is that he’s filling Gojo up. And boy, does that sound homoerotic to put it lightly. But perhaps I am reaching.
So I did what any sane person would do in this situation. I read hentai.
Surely if the phrase 満たして (mitashite) can carry a sexual connotation I will find it in hentai.
...
I immediately found a yaoi doujin called Fill me with your Big Love aka おっきな愛で満たして (Okkina Ai de Mitashite). Honestly, I found too many doujins about creampies specifically. (You have internet access verify this yourself.) When you search Manzokushite the results are much more in line with life satisfaction than sexual satisfaction. ...So Gege decided to use the more frisky phrasing.
Manzoku is also the name of an active sex toy manufacturer (I’m not linking them use a search engine.) and a discontinued adult entertainment news company. So the satisfaction Gojo and Geto talk about, along with Geto using 妬 (ya), the jealous kanji often used between lovers, is definitely probably carrying a sexual connotation too.
So, I’m not reaching. What the fudge did Gege mean by this?
Now that we've established that I am NOT reaching. What do we do with this information?
Well, we ruminate on the fight with the knowledge that Sukuna, of his own volition, decided to get Gojo off, probably.
I have forgiven Nanami for calling Gojo a pervert. If I watched someone bust a nut after being cut in half by his sworn enemy instead of saving the country, I too would be like what the fudge.
Anyways, the typical phrase used for an orgasm in Japanese is 行く(iku). It translates as to go. And yes it can mean to die, as in going to the other side. To die and go to heaven if you will. Which is what Gojo did with a big old smile on his face.
There’s also the term 心天 (tokoroten). It refers to a dish were a semi-opaque white substance is pushed through holes to create noodles. Literal translation using the kanji for heart 心 (kokoro) and the kanji for heaven 天 (ten). (Don’t ask me why them being smack together turns the Koroko into Tokoro. I don’t know.) Which in slang refers to prostate orgasms. This has nothing to do with this analysis I wanted to drop this fun fact in here. …And this image of Sukuna clutching his heart while looking at someone he sent to heaven.
(This is a reach but the idea of this being an elaborate gay pun amuses me greatly.)
I have another fun slang term: 賢者タイム (kenjataimu) which directly translates to sage 賢者 (kenja) time タイム (taimu). This refers to post-nut clarity sending someone into a meditative-like state.
Oh that’s a bit familiar. Sukuna was giving sagely advice to Kashimo and reflecting on satisfaction and love.
And what’s this? Mitashite has made a reappearance! Sukuna is saying “I’ve never thought about needing another person to fill me up.” Which 1. further supports the 'The one satisfying/filling him (Gojo) now is—Sukuna.' reading and 2. suggests Sukuna is a top suggests Sukuna really doesn’t have sexual interest in people. (Since the context of this convo is relationships and love.)
By the way. Acts of eating in Japanese can be modified to carry sexual meanings. It’s a bit more suggestive than English, but it carries over pretty well I think? 肉食系 (nikusokukei) refers to someone who aggresively pursues romantic or sexual relationships. Composed of the kanji 肉 (niku) for meat, 食 (ta) for eating, and 系 (kei) class. If you noticed, 食 isn’t usually read as Soku. It becomes Soku when paired with Niku for some reason. (I don’t know why someone please help me.) Side by side the kanji 肉食 (nikusoku) means meat-eater.
食 is still interesting on it’s own. The 食べる (taberu) reading is normal eating. The 食う(kuu) reading is an innuendo. It can mean to devour someone, like a cannibal, or devour someone sexually.
Sukuna has made it very clear that his eating of people is literal. There’s no innuendo. In fact, if you read into it, he’ll kill you (rip Yorozu and Kashimo).
Gojo, however, appears to be his sole exception to this rule. When Sukuna tells Kashimo not to spoil his pleasure he uses the kanji 興 (kyou). This of course can be directly translated as pleasure, but the Chinese reading of it can also indicate intense excitement or sexual arousal.
Sukuna is pretty good at double-entendre wordplay if his earlier stunts with the kanji for Enchain doubling as Megumi Activities if read a different way is anything to go by. He's a fan of Chinese literature. It's not a stretch to assume there's more going on here.
And if notoriously homophobic Reddit dudebros are posting things like this. Maybe there's a lot more merit to this reading than I can currently grasp.
I’m still pretty convinced Sukuna is aroace. That of course doesn’t bar him from pursuing romantic or sexual relationships. Sometimes there’s the one exception. Sometimes the desire to be with and please an allo partner allows for engagement of activities they aren’t into. Sometimes the actions are pursued without the emotional attachment because they physically feel good. There’s also the gray-scale and demi labels to consider.
With that in mind, I want to emphasize this all points to how important Gojo is to Sukuna regardless of sexuality. He tried to engage with and understand Gojo on terms he won’t for anyone else. And he’s been pursuing this connection relentlessly since the start of manga.
Sukuna’s Negative Rizz
Ok I established that reading the Sukuna vs Gojo fight as unhinged courtship is supported by the text. That doesn’t really say anything about Sukuna sucking at it.
But, my dear reader, that in of itself is proof of his negative rizz. I had to sit down. Learn about Heian era and Shinto wedding rituals, learn more Japanese, splice seemingly unrelated manga panels together, read hentai, and know that Gege is into yaoi to come to this conclusion. I had to rip every little shred of characterization and context apart and rearrange it into something comprehensible.
You know who can’t do that? Gojo.
As far as Gojo is concerned, Sukuna hates him. Kisama is an extremely hostile you pronoun in modern times. And if Gojo can’t tell Shoko (his closest friend after Geto) is stressed over him being used like a meat puppet by her visibly falling back on her addiction, he’s going to default to the assumption Sukuna hates him just as much as everyone else.
And Gojo does just that. He assumes he failed to reach Sukuna. Despite how often they did hand to hand combat and weaponized their knowledge of each other, Gojo believes they never had proper conversation through fighting. He dies not understanding Sukuna, convinced the other was not trying to communicate with him at all.
And if you recall, all of this fight occurred while Sukuna was wearing Megumi’s face. That boy is pretty much Gojo’s adopted child. From my experience, most single parents do not go looking for clones of their kids as partners.
If someone wore the skin of my family member I would assume they were trying to torment me. And torment Gojo Sukuna does. He draws attention to Megumi’s soul being used as collateral and attacks him with the 10 Shadows. We as the audience know this is all for the sake of getting past Infinity using his Shrine. Gojo doesn’t know that. He’s fighting an evil dude who is puppeting the body of his son for god knows what reason.
Seriously, Sukuna sucks at communicating intent.
In Part 3 of my examination of Sukuna’s loneliness, I said Dismantle is a tool Sukuna uses to understand. And that him upgrading it by making Gojo the center of his world was indicative of his desire to reach him. I also said his refusal to use it on Yorozu was him expressing how little interest he had in her.
Yorozu is pissed by this. She sees it as Sukuna rejecting her and I don’t think she’s wrong. Sukuna saved his special Cursed Technique (CT) for Gojo while turning Yorozu down. If we’re considering all the wedding imagery and references that started with Yorozu, I’m certainly allowed to read that as him saving himself for Gojo. (Think of how he lied to Gojo about being the first one he killed.)
There’s also the fact that Yorozu saw their battle as an expression love and lust—that the usage of CT is a type of foreplay under certain circumstances since it is an extension of the self. Combine that with the established premise that fighting is a type of a communication thanks to Maki vs Sumo Guy and you can start to see the courtship logic behind Sukuna’s treatment of Gojo.
If we are to read “The one who will teach you love is…Sukuna” there’s another adorable caveat. Yorozu uses the you pronoun あなた (Anata) for Sukuna.
It’s an informal you pronoun used by people learning Japanese. Native speakers try to avoid using it as it can come across as rude. But in the context of love? This is colloquially called the wife pronoun as its often used by a wife to her husband.
If you wanted to localize its usage in the way Yorozu means it, Anata might become “you, dear”. So here we have Sukuna dressed in white, like a bride to Gojo’s groom, thinking of him as Anata.
The problem is, Gojo doesn’t know that. Sukuna never bothered to open his mouth and say this was an act of love. Sure he told Kashimo in the most roundabout way possible, but Gojo was the one who needed to hear that. If a courtship is going to be this diabolically complicated, there has to be clear hints for the other party. JJK is not Umineko where there’s a witch that can revive the dead over and over until the idiot finally understands this was all for them.
Gojo also doesn’t have access to the kanji Sukuna uses to describe certain techinques or words. He hears the phonetics and runs with whatever best fits the context. This means there’s no way for him to catch the double-meaning unless he’s a certain type of lingust, which he is not. His manner of speech and personal interests don’t line up with the flowery language of the Heian Era. The types of written works Gojo is into are historical war politics from the Sengoku period (known for violence more than the fine arts), Shonen manga, and physics/math.
And what's this? According to CFYOW (the canon light novels): JJK Thorny Road at Dawn, Chapter 3 Asakusabashi Elegy, Gojo doesn't even like ancient poetry. You know, the thing Sukuna enjoys and tries to communicate with.
The Kokin Wakashu Gojo off-handedly disparages is a compilation of Hiean Era poetry known as Waka. This was the primary means of communication amongst the noble class and spiritual leaders at the time. And the thing is, this poetry is supposed to be read into. Down to the quality of stroke and paper, not just the kanji written. Especially for courtship.
It’s not that Gojo is stupid. He just doesn’t specialize in the studies that would give him a more critical ear to Sukuna's words. And Sukuna doesn’t seem to understand that no one in the modern era communicates like this anymore.
If you didn’t know, this is why Japanese characters introduce themselves they often describe what kanji their name is spelled with. Take for example: Satoru. He uses the kanji 悟 meaning enlightenment. This kanji can be read as Go instead of Satoru. Additionally, the name Satoru can be written in kanji as 聡 for smart, 智 for wisdom, 知 for knowledge, 了 for understanding, 哲 for philosophy, 聖 for virtuous, or 暁 for daybreak. That’s 8 different kanji possible if you hear the name Satoru.
This is why Sukuna’s wordplay for everything else can be easily missed by other characters. They hear the words and cannot read the kanji like us. Context decides what Sukuna means for them. And since Sukuna’s context for most is violence and insults, it’s very hard for them to think about his words in any other way.
And boy howdy does Gojo miss it. Sukuna straight up calls him his husband and it took me several rereads to catch it. While mocking Gojo for being unable to open his domain, Sukuna calls him "painfully ordinary". This is localized from the word 凡夫 (bonpu) which can also be translated as unenlightened. (A layered insult! Sukuna is pretty much saying Gojo's sorcery is so boring he shouldn't even call himself the Honored One.)
The thing is...Bonpu is comprised of the 2 kanji 凡 for mediocre, and 夫 for husband. (Please note that there are many other ways to call Gojo a ditz without using the kanji for husband.) And an update from the Replies: Turns out there's layers to the gayness too.
It's come full fudging circle. Gojo came dressed as a groom for a wedding and Sukuna thinks they're already married. The miscommunication is off the rails.
But wait! There's more...
Earlier I mentioned that the kanji for Enchain doubles as Megumi Activities. Let's break that down more. (Unfortunately the Twitter account of the person I referenced may or may not be nuked so here's this screenshot I've doctored.)
So we have the translation of Enchain from 契闊 (Keikatsu), which might be better localized as Separation.
This term comes from a Chinese poem about lovers who are husband and wife in The Book of Odes, Section I (Lessons from the States), Chapter 3 (The Odes of Bei), Poem 31 (Banging the Drum). (Here's a link to the full poem and context of it.)
In summary, it’s about a soldier who is on the brink of death, having lost nearly everything after being abandoned by those in power, lamenting the happiest days of his life with his love are ones he can never get back. (Hey that sounds just like what Sukuna did to Yuji!)
Keikatsu specifically comes from this passage:
“Our vow is beyond death and life”, I and you are together I always remembered. I will hold your hand, And together we grow old.
Too pitiful we are faraway apart, The distance separates us to meet again! Too miserable this takes forever, And it does not let us fulfill our vow!
Keikatsu is used to exemplify how the physical distance between the husband and wife prevents them from fulfilling their wedding vows. And that's just what Keikatsu/Enchain does to Yuji and Megumi, it causes painful separation neither of them wanted.
Keikatsu also tells Yuji exactly how Sukuna plans to do it. 契(kei)闊(katsu) can be written as 恵(kei)活(katsu). The kanji 恵 can be read as Kei or...Megumi. (It's the literal kanji used for his name.) The kanji 活 (katsu) can mean "activities", which is how we get Enchain=Megumi Activities.
A two for one special! Sukuna mocks Yuji for being so close with Megumi while telling him exactly how he's going to destroy their relationship.
It seems this has nothing to do with Gojo until you consider the 3rd possible reading from wordplay with 契闊 (Keikatsu). The kanji 契 when read as Kei refers to a promise, pledge or vow. When 契 read as Chigi? It can refer to sexual intercourse, especially between husband and wife.
So we have 契闊(keikatsu, separation), 恵(kei Megumi)活(katsu, activities), and 契(kei chigi, spousal sex)活(katsu, activities). It's no wonder he erased Yuji's memory of it.
Keep in mind, that when Sukuna uses Keikatsu, the only vow that he has made at this point is his promise to kill Gojo. He eventually does that using Megumi's body during a fight framed between groom and bride. And for reasons beyond their control, Sukuna and Gojo have been unable to fulfill that vow through lengthy separation.
Notes from poem "Banging the Drum" Sukuna references include the following:
"And during the operation, he lost his horse, which was a desperate situation (horses in ancient time carried soldier supply and weapons, are life companion for soldiers in advance or retreat), he lost his horse, his supply, maybe his armor and weapons, and the road he was facing that we may lose his life so he may never go back. In all these mess, he started searching, and somehow at this hopeless moment he started to revisit his happiest moment, when he together vowed in marriage ceremony with his wife, and he was even afraid that he might never see his love again."
"And His last statement for his true value is his home, his love, his fulfillment of his vow is his true duty. Hero's duty is to pursue love."
In Buddhism, which JJK is heavily influenced by, horses are a pretty big deal. Horses can represent the path to enlightenment, especially since The Buddha's horse is what takes him on this journey away from his wife and children. They separate in the end though, the horse dying of a broken heart.
Remember how Sukuna called Gojo unenlightened? He sort of guided Gojo to enlightenment using Mahoraga, whose Eight-Handed title is a reference to the Eightfold Path to be followed for enlightenment. Buddhist enlightenment is centered around liberation from suffering. (Just check the wiki entry to verify this.) Infinity was the source of Gojo's suffering and Sukuna cut right through it.
Sukuna has been running around with a broken heart for a good chunk of the post-Gojo fight. And if you take that into consideration with this poem and all the other symbolism, he's somehow a Buddha, a Bodhisattva, the dying husband, the widowed wife, and the heartbroken horse all at the same time. Not unlike his wordplay taking on every possible meaning at once.
But my point here is that Sukuna might’ve seen his fight with Gojo as consummation of their marriage. (There's probably a joke in here about the husband reaching climax while leaving his wife unsatisfied.) Remember in the wise words of Itagaki Keisuke, "Fighting and sex are exactly the same!"
In Conclusion?
This is possibly one of the most bizarre and elaborate expressions of love I have lost my mind over. Sukuna gave everything Gojo ever wanted from Jujutsu violently. He did it in such an unpleasant and cruel way that the target of his affection thought there was nothing between them. Sukuna also hid his intent under social norms that no longer exist. Unless Gojo happened to be into ancient literature, there was never a scenario where he would catch onto this. Sukuna's failure is critical on multiple levels.
It’s impressive. It really is. No one knows how Sukuna’s strange little brain works so he’s stuck being loner without anyone that fully understands him. (I’m still thinking about how Uraume didn’t know Sukuna was a twin for over 1,000 years.) He’d have to let people in and tell him outright, but he’s just like Gojo so I guess that’s never happening.
#cactus yaps#I need to have my weeaboo license revoked.#How on earth did I miss this?#GEGE WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THIS.#Hi yes I will dress as a traditional groom on Dec 24th the most romantic day in Japan after someone else called the arrangement a date.#Is this even subtext at this point?#Why can’t these men use their got danged words instead of Umineko levels of psychological warfare.#Sukuna: ''Gojo is clearly driven by lust. How do I have s*x with him without actually having s*x?#Fighting and death are basically the same thing as s*x so I’ll do that and hopefully he sees that I love him.''#Gojo to Geto: ''Sukuna gave me the best *rgasm I've had in years. I think he hates me.''#Geto: ''Huh.''#Absolutely fascinated by girlfailures Sukuna and Geto horribly fumbling Gojo in completely different ways.#I want them to fight over him in the most passive aggressive way possible.#Gojo was meant to be a romcom harem protagonist.#Though Sukuna should be way more ok with poly given Heian rules on relationships.#But you know Geto was also ok that someone else was able to make Gojo feel good.#I like that prioritization of his pleasure. Even if it came a little too late.#Much to think about.#Consider this my Sukugo manifesto part 2.#Update 8/14/24: One of these days I'm just going to have to make a new post.#Update Cont: Sukuna calling Gojo his mid unenlightened husband wife spouse all at once using two kanji is truly insane.#Update 8/19/2024: All according to Keikatsu.#sukugo#ryomen sukuna#gojo satoru#jjk spoilers#jujutsu kaisen#lemons
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I love spuffy as much as the next guy but ohhh my gawddd I really kinda wish it had been buffy wil and xand to finish the fight. they started it together, and while they've always had outside help, I just think it would've been so good if each of them had their own big important parts to play since this was the last we get to see of them
#ik there's comics but I have no intentions of reading those so. this is the last I get to see of them all fighting the big fight together!!!#I suppose buffy was the one leading everyone into battle... but that doesn't feel like much#but seriously why wasn't xander given anything special to do </3#he could simply be motivation if nothing else. we know the girls like him he could help give them strength when they feel like it's hopeles#and especially buffy. he is determination!! I have talked about this before!! let that show when it counts!!#willow did her part so good for her. it was beautiful and I love her#the only thing that would've been even better is if releasing all that slayerness had given buffy (& faith) a boost. to tie wil to them mor#...I cannot think off the top of my head what buffy could've done more. she shared her power with others by handing off the scythe.#she gave them strength in leading them I guess. open to ideas here if anyone wants to chime in with something#they're the heart the spirit the power grrrrr they are connected and (should) need one another to continue on#and okay ik buff and xand and willow are all in totally separate places but I want them CONNECTED together are we getting the picture here#I actually kinda like them being separate now that I've thought about it. each part of the whole running a different section so they're all#spread out and able to take care of everything. but I want moreee for them#y'all have better have fuckin meant it when you guys said y'all wanted to hear about my buffy/willow/xander thoughts#buffy x willow x xander#buffy summers#willow rosenberg#xander harris#btvs#buffy the vampire slayer
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trimeshi enjoyers i see your chimera!vash and raise you... wolfwood as [MANGA SPOILERS] marcille
or as my partner @sozosnipes named him, Wolfcille <3
#nicholas d. wolfwood#trigun#dunmeshi#dungeon meshi#wolfwood wednesday#this thought has been haunting me for AGES if no one else is gonna do it then i guess i have to#if u create/see more art of him in this dress PLEASE direct me to them i NEED to see i'm literally begging#i'm not much of an artist + this is just a doodle i'm sure plenty of y'all out there can execute this better#i dont think this is what he'd actually be like in the DM universe (i have lengthy thoughts abt that + the rest of the trigang)#HOWEVER I DO think hed be nerdy enough to make his own staff like marcille (bc of the wooden bird carving thing)#nico ; secercah ampun#dungun meshimum#happy wolfwood wednesday#turtleduck doodles#btw this is my first time posting anything i've drawn here i think#if this were any more polished i'd have given him chest hair#nicholas d wolfwood#turtleduck originals
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There's something really striking in the message the Inquisitor sends about the Free Marches uniting under a single banner to come defend the South.
Once, back in the day, I wrote my Trevelyan the line, "A prince in Starkhaven, a margrave in Ansburg, a teyrn in Ostwick, and a viscount in Kirkwall, but neither the Marches nor her people will accept a king." and it... honestly feels correct, that the only reason they would unite is to fight an evil like the Blight.
The Marches or her people may not accept a king, but they don't accept a god, either. There is some comfort in that.
#squirrel plays datv#datv spoilers#oc: raymond trevelyan#baby boy is holding down the front and im so proud of him#it's sad that it feels as if laying down his armor will be impossible for him after all#like so much fighting and hardship has all but grafted it to his skin#especially with how things are going to change; come the next game- with Dorian and everything else....#but I just... idk i feel very emotional#i'm getting so close to the endgame now#and a part of me is nervous but another is excited#i've given up on trying to 100% the map when rivain pissed me off yesterday; i'll have plenty of other playthroughs to do that lol
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gantt charts are actually great i'm so sorry for making jokes with engineering people about gantt charts but at the same time i'd rather sink into the pits of hell than show up to my supervisor meeting tomorrow and say 'well sir i have this gantt chart'
#WE ALL HAVE GANTT CHARTS IM SORRY I HAVE DONE NOTHING ELSE#that's a lie i've been studying arms#i have so many diagrams pinned to my wall now#my desk looks like how a film set designer would design the desk of an anatomy student#the dsa shouldn't have given me a printer smh. i have too much power#but i do feel like i've made progress in my head about what i have to do to achieve this goal#and it's useful to break that into manageable time-constrained chunks#but he's a practical guy#he's probably expecting me to show up with a load of code for him to look at or a 3d model or something#but i'm going to have to say that i'm still kind of in the planning stage#because it's taking me ages to get past the initial hurdle of 'practically - WHAT do i have to do'#idk. maybe he'll be disappointed maybe not but we move
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"Dads really do corner the market on shittiness..." He tried not too think too much about the man that waited back home. As far as he knew his step-dad had never cheated, but he almost wished he would sometimes. It would have given him an excuse to convince his mom to leave that miserable man. Kevin couldn't say for sure what his actual father had been like, but he trusted his brother's stories...made him wonder if his so called "issues" could have been genetic.
The tale Violet was weaving left a bad taste in his mouth. He knew that it was more than a little bit possible that she was lying, but he decided to give her the grace of taking her words at face value. Besides, nothing about that seemed implausible. Sad girls often came from sad homes. Or at least, that's what Kevin believed.
"Yours definitely seems like a special case though. S'pose mine wasn't much better, but my mother had enough sense to leave him. I still question her taste in men since the man she married is..." Kevin paused, trying articulate all the small ways the man found ways to be cruel. The ways he made sure Kevin knew he didn't think of him as a real son. The ways he could see Kevin for what he was and made it clear he didn't approve. "Well, he's not a fan of me. That's putting it mildly. I'm here and not at home, and that's due in no small part to his efforts."
Kevin sighed, breathing out some of the unpleasantness and irritation he could feel beginning to weigh him down. Not just for himself but for Violet...this empathy thing he'd been developing over the past couple months was an exhausting practice. Her anger made him angry, and he could feel color rising in his cheeks as he spoke. "Parents are just like that. They always think they have some fix, think they know better than you about what goes on at home as if you don't live there too. Fuck 'em."
He flexed his fingers, the agitation making him antsy as he shifted in his seat. Shoving his hands underneath him, he looked back at Violet. "That kid's gonna need you. The best thing for having crazy parents is to have someone else who gets it. Keeps you from feeling like you're losing your mind...you know, relatively." He nodded toward the other people in the common room as he added the last bit. "I've got someone I should be taking care of like that, but I fucked it up. I'm a shit example."
❝ I don't know, the baby would be born into a shitty family. What's a little nicotine poisoning to a fetus to add to the problem? ❞ Violet took the last drag of her cigarette, making sure to enjoy the flavor while it lasted. She couldn't bum cigarettes off of Kevin forever. She'd have to manage to get her own sooner or later. That or she'd have to go cold turkey and learn to quit smoking altogether. Yeah, she wasn't ready for that just yet, not when that was her only coping mechanism in this place and outside of it? She used the ashtray sitting on the table in front of them to snub the remains of the cigarette out.
She did manage to smile at the idea that she could be her sibling-to-be's favorite person in the world. The younger brother or sister was going to need it when their family inevitably went to shit. Eventually, her parents had to realize that having another kid wasn't going to keep them glued together forever. They were going to have to realize they were being apart than together, and as much as Violet would love to have that picket fence family that stayed together through thick and thin, she wasn't going to delude herself into believing it would happen that way.
The Harmon family was being pulled apart by the seams and they couldn't get a grasp of their threads. Her mom had already threatened divorce multiple times. Violet just wished she'd get it over with and stick to it. Then maybe she could take her new sibling under her wing and teach them that all families were shitty sometimes but at least theirs was trying to make things better, even if it was by doing things apart from each other.
❝ It's not that I really mind having a younger sibling. I just wish my parents weren't using it as a way of trying to figure things out. I love my dad but he's been a piece of shit. ❞ She swallowed hard, wanting to out her dad for the cheating garbage that he had been. Shit, then she'd seen the maid coming onto him, too. She'd kept it from her mom, not wanting to stress her out anymore than she was. Maybe she should have used it as the catalyst to throw divorce papers at him. ❝ The things he's put my mom through. ❞ She was quiet again as she debated letting Kevin in on it. Why not? It was easier to admit that her dad was a cheater than it was that her boyfriend was a mass murderer and a ghost on top of it.
❝ He cheated on my mom when we were still living in Boston. Literally, with one of his students barely older than me. ❞ Her stomach churned just thinking about it. ❝ I wasn't supposed to find out but thin walls and loud arguing, you know? I wonder if he knows that I know at all. I've never told him to his face. My mom should have left him then but they went to therapy and my dad talked his way into trying to make our family better by staying together. Now what? They think a baby is going to make it better? ❞ She scoffed, angry lines harsh on her face as she sunk back into the chair, wishing she could disappear - away from her parents' bullshit, away from Tate, away from Briarcliff, away from life itself.
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crucial to me that you understand that this happens right before laios tries a little raw bite of the giant parasite they all cooked and ate like a fish
#I promise this is because we just had sushi and not that I've been sitting here mad about people being wrong on the internet all day lol#I guess I can't speak for the english dub but I KNOW this made it into the anime as well I remember it in there#he's not a food guy he's a monster guy!! the two food guys he knows JUST SAID everything else in this ecosystem is also tasty raw!!#he didn't just randomly Do That because he's a moron or a freak!! he had perfectly good reason to believe that was fine!!!#it's dangerous to eat freshwater seafood specifically because of parasites but how was HE supposed to know that given the context!#laios-- specifically and exactly mirroring his friends: this is so tasty broiled with AND without sauce! it was even good raw :)#everyone in the party and also the audience: what the FUCK is WRONG with you#give him a BREAK#LAIOS IS WEIRD BUT EVERYONE IS SO WRONG ABOUT HOW AND WHY AND IT MAKES ME CRAZYYYY#RAAAAAGGHHH#.... WAIT TO BE CLEAR. this specific thing is not the hill I'm dying on I feel like it's just one of the things people point at#when they talk about what a Stupid Freak (~Affectionate~ uwu) laios is and I happened to remember it just now eating sushi lol#point is there's always context for why he's Like That#and yes very much sometimes the context is 'he's weird' but he's weird for specific reasons and in specific ways he's not just Some Sicko#LIKE FANON SEEMS DETERMINED TO BELIEVE
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solemn vow to never be complacent or meek around things i feel strongly about again — to at least start the conversation even if i don’t have the words to talk back exactly to a poisonous idea — in kind, to pick up the thread if someone else does the same — tired of letting evil shit unfold —
#honestly this mostly only happens because of my disability which. i've been dreaming/reading about navigating that in ways feel better#or else because im scared of violence as a trans woman but i’m sick of fear of violence making me passive#rarely because i got scared in the crosshairs of financial insecurity and feared losing work#but that is what im parsing this time and very determined not to let that happen ever again#cuz like. having the supposed 'non-action' of passivity even available to you is a privilege of whiteness#in this case it was taking a creative-side gig on a play that felt very clear the playwright had given very little if any consideration#to nonwhite perspectives like clearly by a white person thinking about a white audience kinda liberal politics#and i took it bc my friend's mentor was directing and she put us in touch and spoke highly of him#and she's indigenous and very willing to call out white bullshit so i had some hope/trust that he would push it more#and he........ did at least cast a latino actor in the one role that would have made the play horrifically racist#if it had been cast as a white person but that felt like doing the absolute least to me#im still very much figuring this world out#understanding the ethics of theater work and im glad i did this in that regard#cuz like. i didn't fully realize that my only real chance to make a creative + ethical statement was right out the gate in accepting the gi#as an SM like... there's really no other chance to have an opinion so i should not take work if the script doesn't align w my ethics#and use that rejection as a chance to make it clear what's fucked up#...if i even ever SM again that was the most stressful gig i've ever done and i didn't even get paid for it. fuck#sorry for writing half the post in the tags. if ur reading this ur too close >O< jk haaiiii thx for reading my diary#very much a 'i am thinking through these concepts still and ur welcome to share ur thoughts on them' kinda post
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Gil apology scene will always be one of my all time most favorite scenes of anything ever
#logxx#Like being sooo fucking entrenched in the Gilbert mindset that Vincent's reaction is completely incomprehensible#So much so that I and nearly every other person I've seen talk about that scene just wholesale invented a reason why Vincent#Didn't immediately accept Gil's apology and stop being insane#When like. How the fuck else was Vincent supposed to respond but abject horror and confusion#Given that Gil had at that point forced Vincent through abuse to make his entire life about accomodating him#And after Vincent had resigned himself to that (cuz what else was he supposed to do!!! he loved Gil!!!!!)#Just completely out of the blue said he was sorry#And expected that to make things up to Vincent
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so my manager told me i need to start going into the office three days a week
#becca.txt#i told him i didn't want to and he straight up said he didn't either but the company is adamant on three days a week for everyone#no permanent exceptions are being given out#it doesn't make sense for me as a video and site editor to be in an office full of sales people working a nine to five#thank god i have a really nice manager who's flexible on arrival and departure times - as long as i deliver my stuff he doesn't really care#but he did say to keep in mind what everyone else may say because it might give a bad perception if i leave early all the time#i don't even know what to do my commute to work is ass#a bus and two trains from where i live but it is what it is i guess#i'll have made three years at this job in august and i've only been to the office twice - on two consecutive days so pretty much just once#and my manager's the only one on my team working out of that office everyone else is working out of our boston office#so i won't have any friends#update on that coworker - she was fired and given a very nice severance package#i understand her frustrations but the more time i spent correcting her work the more i understood my manager's side too#it was a messy situation all around but she's a lot happier now that she's gone#well anyway yeah i don't know what i'm going to do in an office for like six or seven hours a day#nobody at my job knows how little time it takes me to do my job - like if i work two hours a day that's a lot#the work i do is important but it certainly does not take me a lot of time to do - it took the last person doing this ages#but i have the power#so it doesn't take long#i don't know what i'm gonna do when my manager realizes he's paying me to take naps and dick around on the internet all day#return to office won't start until may 1 so i have a little time to sort everything out#wish me luck y'all
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Oh. Huh.
#they moved nagamas to ao3? which makes sense all the reasons given for it ect ect#idk if i really wanna go That out of my way for it though........ it was really fun/a huge test of my abilities when i participated#but like. this is my confession. my cardinal sin maybe. but i barely if ever read fic (and obvs ao3 is more than fic it's a whole archive)#and if i do. i'm only doing it about characters i like generally but am not really that heavily invested in.#like i can read an ike/soren. have a little fun w it. maybe aa fics. kinda fun.#but i live in a beautifyl world on an island in my mind palace where alfonse is ambiguously but distinctly queer/mlm#deeply elaborate inner world about it. so much internal lore. the alfonse that lives in my head is so important to me.#if i see anyone doing him wrong i'm going to kill them on sight. i'm so sorry. i won't even lie or joke i'm straight up not normal about it.#LIKE it used to be WORSE ACTUALLY..... i have had to grow as a person. to be nicies. so we can all play touys and hold hands.#i'm not even being dramatic. it is that serious.#i'm not vaguing i'm jusf trying to find a way to explain that sometimes.#transmasc who had an emotionally devastating breakup on account of incompatibility 🫵 are you being normal about women.#like my core point here. sometimes you do gotta self reflect on the load bearing coping mechanism#and sometimes your world gets a little fuller for it! wow! so beaitfylf.... congrasts on being nicies 😊👍#but you could not pay me to venture into ao3 about a character i'm heavily invested in. i will kill us both.#and. obvs. what. started this ramble. nagamas is probably its own thing on there#but that is too far out of my comfort zone. you cannot pull me out of this dark corner. i live here. i'll die anywhere else.#huge props and shoutouts to fic writers though like! cool valid art medium i've even considered myself#i'm too comic brained though. i'd have to hone a whole ass other skillset also. like. i'm not a stranger to writing#but i'm def rusty. and really again my one true love is words WITH images#i just. don't wanna come off like i'm shitting on fic i respect fic so much. i just don't often indulge in it#and i am. such. a high strung bitch. that is entirely a me issue. you don't gotta worry about that! 🫡#we can ALL play touys ... with each other or side by side or separately. peace and love 💖
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