#it's late and im tired and probably overreacting but fuck it ive been in a bad headspace since october

[sidereon-spaceace]

Need to do shots and get angry in a voice call with friends but unfortunately one of my reactions to high emotion is- you guessed it!- crying, which I cant do in front of others in any capacity or else i will explode into a million pieces and die horribly. So tragically, I am at an impasse

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we���ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

exhaustion at its finest luvs

so um....ive basically been living day to day like.....completely disconnected from everything, both mentally and physically. like haha, mirrors are bad, and so are moments of connecting my mental state to my physical state. because i remember that i live in this body, and i make it do things. and ive literally spent my entire summer without a routine (which kills me) but i’ve been so tired from not having a routine to go by that i physically CANT MAKE ONE, like i dont have the energy. i really......im very tired.

 but i have a new hyperfixation on a band so that’s about the only thing going for me (until it runs out).

also i cant figure out if my reactions are RSD or me just overreacting and being sensitive......bc im not diagnosed with ADHD.....yes that’s another dilemma im having to deal with. am i just a weird neurotypical, or is there something actually going on (i dont know brain, why dont you give me some fucking answers)......anyways um.......im suffering besties.

also accidentally offending people is one of the things that fucking sends me into another plane of anxiety and thats been haunting me. and i know i’m probably reading too much into it (like i always do *sad hair flip*) but it could also be directed STRAIGHT at me. i’ve cried over that shit at a point, like i think it’s due to my awful past with toxic friendships (with me being emotionally unstable and lashing out, and the other person microaggressing me every now and then)

my emotions are also a struggling point. like, i recognize them most times, and deal with them, but i NEVER open up about them until it’s too late and im sobbing. i go from oversharing and having too many emotions to hiding everything and bottling things up. and i feel like the pandemic has made me bottle things up more. i feel like everyone’s already having a hard time, and they don’t need my whining about trivial things on top of that. venting helps, but i also feel bad trauma-dumping, and all that shit. like it’s not acceptable to just pour your emotions out there and be like “but im fine” because A........i feel like a burden. and B. nobody needs to hear my bullshit while they have other real world problems. like thats not normal?? and now im understanding and looking back on the amount of times that i just plainly overshared, or said too much and it’s like........damn. (also oversharing is a symptom of trauma, but for me it’s mostly anxiety, and not realizing when to shut the fuck up_

i realized today that im still at the point of grieving over a friendship (its been a year) that i cant say the person’s name, or bring them up without feeling like at least mildly choked up. i feel like that’s a bit rough, huh. i know shit hurts, but i didnt expect my feelings to be that attached.

another thing is that (idk if it’s PTSD or not, maybe it is, maybe it isnt) i dont do well with bad weather. and it’s been sunny, sure, but bugs and shit have been outside, and it’s been raining like.....a good amount of the week. and last night i had a dream about ANOTHER tornado (except it wasnt lucid, so i suffered through the whole thing like it was happening again) and that’s kinda fucked me up. like, i realize that it’s not real, but there’s no other fear that i’ve experienced than that one. whenever there’s chances for severe weather, i cant sleep right, im anxious the whole day. like??? and it was so vivid. like i could hear everything that was going on. i literally cant hear semi trucks going by outside without thinking “haha tornado, lets hide in the tub”. that’s terrifying to deal with. anyways, im sure that thats not normal. but if it is, then i am not only A fool, but i am THE fool, please i need a hug.

[seductiveheadcrab]

sighhhhhhh im going to fucking implode

time for complaining about family

i dont know what to start with so im just going to start with recent events

im going to defend my thesis soon, so im waiting for uni to set the date for that. all this waiting makes me scared as hell, so im just playing video games to not think much about it

but of course someone has a problem with that :^)

sometimes i mention how my mom makes me work at home (not housework, totally different thing) and so it happened that lately there has been a big order, and now there is just a shitton of work. i dont think there is really any deadline on it, but mom’s gotta complain about how she is just so tired and doesnt have time (when she literally has a part-time job and always says that she’d preffer to just work at home rather than look for a full-time one haha,)

anyways. ive been chilling, then i got some stuff to do from internship again, so ive been working on that (also i got sick in the meantime 👌) and you know. still waiting

buuuuuuuut, mom is discontented with the fact that i dont help her with her work!! how can i do this!! how can i let her work so much!! i should be doing this for her so she can get the money faster, right!!

so yesterday i was playing video games again, because the internship work was done and im still sick, but i just didnt feel like laying in bed. i did stay up a bit too late, but man. its weekend and im free, so what’s the problem?? well mom didnt like it :^) she happened to wake up around 1:40 am and noticed that the light is on in my room and just decided to come over and yell at me

because yes, im 10 and i should be in bed at 8 pm right

so, today she woke me up at 10 am and just started her monologue of how i have time to play video games, but not to help her with her work!! and im definitely addicted so i should go to psychiatrist!!!! (haha, joke’s on you, ive been to psychiatrist already, but i had a completely different reason) she also mentioned how i am banned from computer today lmao, what’s your point

i am?? so done with this?? and why am i supposed to do work she gets paid for?? i mean. there is some reasoning that im an adult, living in her house, so i should probably add a bit to the house budget, but. it just doesnt seem right to me for some reason that i should work, just so i can live with my parents??? like shit, its not like i want to stay here, id love to move out. but. i am not good enough mentally to do that. i am barely functional sometimes. i wouldnt call myself disabled. i dont want to go that far when i dont know enough about it

but i thought i was going the right way. i never got problems in school, i got the scholarship for good grades in college, i got paid internship now, and just, you know. small steps

but no, its not enough right. i am supposed to work, and then give all the money i earn to mom because she deserves it, right. and im not joking right now, she did say many times that she “hopes ill pay her back one day all she had to spend on me”

wow, great, i never knew i was in dept to you to giving me life, thanks, you didnt have to, id better not fucking exist, its not like i am happy being alive anyway

sigh, i only meant to say a few things, but it just ended up being long, complicated and depressing. i overreacted at the end also

i feel even worse now