#it's just. that appointment at the bank really wasn't fun

[morningmask27]

honestly, I'd want all my problems to be beaten out of me. i'm genuinely feeling like shit, but I have to keep going until i've finished my one class of the day, then i'll be allowed to crash.

[every1sno1fangirl]

Happy Hifuumo...Sunday. Yeah, this is a lot later than I really wanted it to be. Friday kind of really sucked and was frustrating for a lot of reasons and it carried over well into when I'm typing this.

Chronic illness sucks.

It wasn't just chronic illness of course. It was some system error with the bank that led to me being like two hours late for a doctor's appointment. But it became my illness as soon as I got back from my really fun trip. And I hate that those good times get ruined.

I hate how I /dwell/ on it for so long, but it weighs on me so much that it just can't not. And then other stressful things happen and it all culminates in a time I enjoyed no longer being so as it cascades through my life.

And it's dumb, but I felt 'guilty' for not having done this sooner? So much so that it just made it so this happened further than it could have, which just made me feel even worse.

This isn't the first time it's happened either of course.

But it is the first time where it took me /this/ long to finally do the fun thing I enjoy doing. And that sucks.

And I think it will keep sucking, so long as it keeps happening and I do nothing about it. Lots of things interfere with my life.

Being able to deal with them is very important. So for now on...I think I'll start going on these trips earlier in the week. Like on Wednesday or Thursday perhaps. And then give myself a whole day to decompress and write up these adventures I have on Friday.

I think it would be better for me to manage my time in that way. I feel sort of dumb for not thinking to do so earlier, but now that I have it is something I will do going forward.

I cannot avoid stressful things forever. How I deal with them matters.

And so does not turning things that aren't stressful—things that have been alleviating my stress—into something that is. These trips and the little journal I make out of them (And stories. Sorry I haven't written one in awhile) are for fun. They should stay that way.

I will be going back to this region of my city next week. It's old and has a lot of history. In fact, this bar is VERY 'old style'. It's filled with a lot of history and taking a closer look at it would be fun.

And that's the important thing. Having fun with this. More than anything turning going outside like this—something that is still filling me with anxiety—into something fun helps me so much.

And everything after is fun too. When I'm not all up in my head about it.

So with all of that out of the way, I might go back and retroactively write some stories (Like of this trip) and post them somewhere. Because a lot of these are really funny and I want to. And it's as simple as that.

I love you all, I hope you have a great day!

[aelaer]

🔫

Another whump icon prompt filled! And this is the last of my pre-written fics before my first poll, so now I *have* to work on figuring out how to write Loki...

Also a fill for @badthingshappenbingo! The bad thing happening to the protagonist is pretty light, *but* it's still a not-terribly-fun thing, so I figure it works out.

I was trying to write something else for this for ages (read: almost 3 years), but it never came out the way I wanted it to, and I still had this ancient prompt to fill so I figured I'd try not to make a huge story out of it and just do some writing exercises to get back into it. And the normal stuff wasn't working so I flipped the angst on its head to something a bit more BAMFy. Still a bad thing happening though. 

The MacGuffin here is pretty simple but hey, it works.

Lightning Before The Thunder Rating: Gen No pairings

On occasion, Doctor Strange still had to do mundane, normal-people things. He still needed to buy food and even magic wasn't quite as effective as the dry cleaners two blocks away for his suit, whenever he needed to wear it for whatever occasion presented itself.

Today it was the bank. The New York Sanctum still sat in the city it was named after, which meant that every year property taxes were due. And sometime between the Blip and now, the automatic payment to the city on the Sanctum's bank account stopped going through despite nothing changing, which meant Stephen had to go talk to someone to get it fixed. He figured it'd be easier to do it in person than try to navigate the menus in the bank's phone system and never ending hold times that characterized every customer service center after the Blip.

Despite his rather unfortunate infamy that came with his involvement with the Infinity Stones and the last battle against Thanos, he wasn't recognized nearly as often as, say, Tony Stark or Steve Rogers once were. In casual wear people rarely recognized him, and it was only once he gave his name that recognition lit up in stranger's eyes. He was thankful for the relative anonymity.

Stephen wasn't sure if said anonymity was a blessing or a curse when four armed robbers stormed the bank five minutes into his appointment. On one hand, they may have shot him for it if they thought he was a threat.

On the other hand, maybe that would have meant that the security guard wouldn't have been shot.

Each second of calculation felt like a minute. He could go immediately on the offensive and attack them, but their guns were pointed at clerks and patrons as they shouted for everyone to get down. They had already shot someone and the man was bleeding heavily.

He had a life to save first. He needed to play doctor—and hostage—before he could do anything else.

Stephen crawled to the security guard even as the robbers shouted orders across the building. He shed his outer shirt and pressed it against the security guard's bleeding shoulder. When he cried out in pain, one of the gunmen turned to him. 

"The fuck you doing? Get on the ground!" He turned the barrel at him. 

"I'm a doctor," Stephen said, voice even. He'd certainly faced worse, though he was really regretting not bringing the Cloak with him. "Let me help him."

The man hesitated, but another spoke up as he addressed the majority of the people by the counters. "Stay on the fucking ground and y'all live, right? Just stay there. No phones!"

That seemed to be enough for the gunman focused on Stephen. "Stay there," he ordered.

Stephen complied. Underneath his blood-soaked dress shirt he silently applied subtle healing magic to constrict blood flow from the wound, the glow barely going through the cloth. The security guard frowned at what would have been an unusual, warm feeling.

"What…"

"I'm a doctor," Stephen repeated. The blood flow was slowing down. He glanced over his shoulder to gauge the situation. Once he heard sirens outside and the gunmen were separated, he could act.

The security guard winced. "Is it—supposed to feel like that?" He glanced at his shoulder with a grimace that twisted into a confused frown as he caught some of the glow from underneath Stephen's shirt. "What the—"

"My name," he cut him off, words soft yet sharp, "is Doctor Stephen Strange. Do you understand?"

The man's eyes lit up in recognition. His gaze went beyond him to the action in the background. "Can you—can you help—"

"Everything will be fine," Stephen reassured him. "Just concentrate on breathing."

"Hey! No talking!" It seemed one of the robbers noticed their whispers. Stephen glanced up to see a gun being waved in his general direction, which was more annoying than frightening if he was to be entirely honest. Then again, his line of work had rather desensitized him, perhaps to a rather alarming degree. He wouldn't be able to get a shield out fast enough to stop a bullet.

Hmm. Were there spells out there that could? Probably. It was physical damage, so those that held against that may hold up.

His silence seemed to appease the gunman enough to get him to back off—or maybe it was the sirens finally at the building. Good. It would take a couple minutes for them to set up a perimeter, then he would act.

Stephen's chance came soon enough. The gunmen were split now with only two in the main foyer, and one of the two was wandering to the far end of the room to peek down the halls. Great.

He moved the security guard's hand to his wounded shoulder. "Press as hard as you can," he muttered. When the man did so, Stephen slipped his sling ring out of his pocket.

The first gunman was out in a blink. With one gesture Stephen tore the gun from the man's hands, scattering it to the other side of the bank. In the next the man fell through a portal that deposited him on the stairs of the building outside with barely a second to shout.

Still, his buddy heard the brief commotion, which worked perfectly for Stephen. He came from around the corner at a quick walk. "Jerry?"

That gunman suffered the same fate as Jerry. 

The bank employees and clients were staring at him now, naturally. With the other two robbers in the back room, Stephen felt it was safe enough for him to stand without anyone else getting hurt.

"Stay there," he told the other hostages. "I'll be right back." He strolled his way into the back where the other two robbers were.

They weren't even facing him when he approached. Disarming them and placing a portal under them almost felt like cheating. So it wasn't even two minutes later that Stephen was back in the front of the building. "All four of them have been deposited outside," he said to the person that looked like she was a manager. "Call the authorities and let them know it's only civilians within the building now, and that we need an ambulance." 

At her startled nod, he went back to the wounded security guard to see how he was holding up. "Medics will be here soon," he told him. "You'll be just fine."

"Thank—thank you."

"Don't mention it."

As he heard the front doors open a few minutes later, Stephen realized that he probably couldn't just slip away as he would have preferred to after giving the paramedics a summary. The civilians would definitely point his way, which meant he'd have to talk to the police.

Ugh. There went the rest of his day.

[lauryn-order]

You are not the worst for having life happen and losing an ask for a couple of days. I am the last person right now who's going to judge for Life happening it's just how it goes sometimes.

I do have some more updates apparently it is really weird to get diagnosed with MS as fast as I did cuz like it was under 3 weeks overall which is low-key really terrifying just because and not terrifying necessarily in a bad way but terrifying because like I don't know how to explain why because just that it is.

But I've ended up with optical neuritis in both eyes in under a month, and I'm hopefully going to start medication within the next month or so which should help prevent symptoms from popping up, I really hope it does because it's not fun. I'm not allowed back at work via doctor's orders until at least the end of August which is going to be a little rough for us cuz I was the main source of income for our household but we'll manage, we've got a good support network that can be a safety net if need be. And we've been real on top of talking to like the bank and stuff about "hey payments might be a little wonky for a bit cuz work isn't happening because you know it's kind of dangerous to work with heavy machinery when you can't see what the fuck you're doing." Though I definitely didn't phrase it that way while we were talking to the bank. 🤣

But even with how overwhelming and how much everything has been and the fact that I am bored out of my mind because I'm one of those people who just goes constantly and I can't do that anymore, at least not right now. I think we're going to be okay, I think it's going to be okay in the end. it'll take a while but I'll get there, I started therapy Monday which I like her all right so far it's only been one appointment but yeah I think I'll be okay.

I really hope that things start looking up for you soon as well I'm sorry that things have been so rough for you lately sending hugs and best wishes 💖

That's crazy you got it diagnosed so quickly, but I'm so glad you did and that it wasn't drawn out. I'm also glad your doctors are taking it seriously and listening to your symptoms instead of just blowing you off so it takes longer.

I'm so sorry about your eyes! That sounds awful! And I'm sorry to hear about your work/income. Trust me, I know how awful it is to not be able to work. I'm thankful you have a support system and SO proud of you for staying on top of everything. With everything you have going on, it would be so understandable to not be on the ball, but you're doing it and that's so fucking badass.

I hope your therapy goes well! It's hard to tell after just one appointment, but it's a good sign that it was a positive vibe so far so my fingers are crossed that it keeps getting even better as you develop a rapport.

I love your positive attitude and outlook and you are an absolute inspiration. Keep being you, little rockstar! You've got this.

[pbandjesse]

Welp James got hit by another vehicle. Thankfully this time they were just a bit banged up. But Jesus Christ. I am so upset. Their bike is a little bent up and the person didn't even say sorry. They doored them and knocked them down. And honestly it could have been so much worse!! I hate that this happened again. My heart hurts so much because I am so worried for my husband.

Today wasn't a bad day before this though. I was just tired. I got to sleep a little longer which helped me feel a little more out together.

I got dressed and had a bagel. I felt pretty positive for the day.

I left here and went to the museum. I got there a little early to load in the leftover boxes from from outreach yesterday. A man in the parking lot told me he liked my bird collection, referring to my molcars. And he laughed when I told him they were actually hamsters.

It was a good day though. I was training the new Jess. And we had a city builder program and a neighborhood tour. And we ended up with an excellent teacher who had a great handle on the kids.

So it made it really easy. And I really had fun with them. They were 2nd graders, which is the oldest that do these programs (and the youngest that will do a regular tour and cannery) so you never know where they are going to be at. But they were awesome. We did finish each program a little early but that was fine. We would look around the galleries and they were sweet kids.

They were just a little embarrassed to wear the costumes. But I think they got into it by the end. They loved buying things and spending tokens and getting paid at their little jobs. It was super cute.

The bank actually went super well. I didn't need the extra time I built in. So once I got everyone finished their bank books and collected their costumes I took them to the car to play and take pictures.

We had about 10 minutes there. So me and Jess went and reset the galleries and got the costumes. And by then it was time to go to lunch.

During lunch I had the dumplings I brought and reset the costumes. Got everything on hangers. I started getting a little lightheaded so I would sit down and take a break.

And then it was time to take them to the movies. I grabbed my crochet to take to the front desk, gave them a five minute warning and went to make sure the dvd was working.

Someone turned off the DVD player which was annoying but James fixed it and everything was fine.

I dropped them off at the theater and sat with James and crocheted. They went to heat up their lunch. I helped a few guests. Found out that our event person doesn't like when we answer any questions about events. Which is ridiculous because they aren't even in this building 80% of the time so what would you like us to do? It's the polite thing to try to help guests, and like yeah if I don't know I'll direct them to you but if you aren't answering your phone you don't get to be mad. Whatever. I honestly don't care if they are mad I just think it's wild that that is something they are mad about.

I enjoyed sitting with James though. And once the video was over I got the kids to their coats and on the bus. It was nice to be done.

I had to call my rheumatologist because they had called me. They had to reschedule my appointment to Thursday. Not shocking I thought it was weird they were making appointments for MLK day.

And I made plans with Callie to have a late lunch tomorrow. I was feeling good.

But I was very tired. I would reset the rest of the costumes that got used today. And then went to sit with James until I could leave.

I decided to go walk around the second chance, the big furniture thrift store.

And I had fun looking but man we're the prices outrageous. Some stuff was normal. $20 or $30 bookshelves. A few I considered but decided not to get in the end. But some stuff that didn't need to be was hundreds of dollars!! Like at one point I found a dirty bean bag chair for $200???? I was so confused.

There were a few things I was seriously considering. One was a beautiful painted dresser but if it was tomorrow it would be a reasonable price (because every few weeks the ticket price drops) and so I decided it wasn't meant to be. Maybe if I go back next week and it's still there.

I got very very tired all of a sudden. And I really wanted to be home.

So I did just that. I went home and I curled up on the couch. I worked on my crochet. I would finish 5 squares today. I read a little. I made an early dinner of oven fries and veggie chicken nuggets. Our oven was not working well and I was getting frustrated but it was fine in the end and eating made me feel better.

When James got home they were really angry and upset. Half way home a driver doored them. Knocked them down. Bent their handlebars. Broke their phone mount. And they didn't even say sorry. I wish they got their info but they were to shaken up. Worried about their collarbone. Which thankfully seems fine. They say their wrist and elbow and hip hurt. Their emotions probably hurt the most. It's scary and I am so frustrated that it has happened again.

James was really upset though and so they went for a walk to cool down. And I tried not to cry. When James got home I just held them on the couch for a long time.

We would hang out. Work on our own stuff. I got in bed. Watched videos. Tried to just be calm.

I just got a shower and me and James have been talking and trying to process. The scary feelings. I am just really worried for them you know?

But now we will sleep. Tomorrow James has the engineering event at the museum. They are going to try to see if the bike shop can help the bend in their bike handle and realign their tires. And I have my second workshop at the national guard. I am nervous but this project was super popular this summer so I have high hopes.

I am trying to not be super upset but it is hard. Send us some good vibes. Be safe and watch out for bikers.

Goodnight everyone. Sleep good.

[thatonepunkkid]

Back to school stress, stress, and more stress | Punkie's Diary

Tomorrow I'm going back to school. Today is my last day of reading week and I'm really sad about that. Mainly because my reading week sucked. I didn't get time to relax at all.

This whole week was just work for me. The only "fun" part about it was recording some of my own things without worrying about noise complaints. That was the best part. Everything else on the other hand? Trips to the bank that ended with nothing, dentist appointments, trips to the orthodontics, which by the way, I unfortunately have braces on again. Yeah. So that freaking sucks. And I don't even have a break after this. This was my last break of the year. Now everything else is just school work and preparing for my recital, which I originally wasn't shitting my pants over, but now that I have braces on my face I'm kinda worried. I tried singing my set with these on and it did not go great. And sure, they're fresh and I'm not used to them fully yet, but it's not a great confidence booster when you have a recital coming up in less than two months now and you have something on your teeth that makes it hard to sing.

I can't eat much right now because it hurts to chew, I've been on a diet of soup and sunny-side-up eggs and rice. That's it. I haven't been getting a lot of comfort these past few days. Everything just feels like a total drag and I do not feel rested at all. If anything I just feel more stressed.

It just sucks, yknow? Like I was so looking forward to just sleeping in and finally feel like I could take a breather for once, but then so many things happened this week and I feel burnt out. Like I didn't get as much sleep as I wanted and I'm so freaking tired. My mouth hurts from the pressure the braces put on my teeth, and I'm generally not really happy. I really hope this feeling will change but overall I'm just really disappointed with how this "break" turned out.

[intolerancecare]

Employee Grade

Grading is company based right? Employment and appointment are greatly affected by preference. What I don't like is for my capability to be equated or to be deemed less than their preferences. That's why I am nagging them of their incapabilities and laziness. Lack of initiative. See... who would respect me? I make mistake that's true, because I was obliged to do so many different things. It was difficult to revert.

We were all still banking at the student level of capacity when we worked, meaning most of us are new in the field. My reference of capability would be closest to student achievements. Supervisor? really?

Mine would be validated by Carissa. If Tim yap's, theory my family and my barkada (group of friends). And my colleagues from my first job.

They left me because the only thing that I know is right? Right, they don't understand the leftist trainer. At least I'm a trainer the others are neither right nor left.

I told this to a zup before, she asked me if my work is fun. I said I'm a jack of all trades, master of none. Just thinking Go figure. I had a different team, when they started leaving, I searched for the Job description again. Just imagine my yes, extreme anger after knowing that there is a JD in my files. I don't remember receiving and I know that it wasn't the JD that I knew. I tried to stay at the training department a few times. The answer is always no. Only when they summon. But the officer does not have a system. No ICT. A proof that he has created a training plan. Materials, tools. He only had a programme for tours. Applicable for visitors only. Not customized for new joiners. Quality? Where? delivering the ICT sent by the brand? I was a participant. Who had it next? 10 folds of staff can join that training maybe I'm wrong, if it's for the supervisor level, two batches maybe. Why once only? Same as the company? The trainings there are not brand base. They are assessment, CS, Selling, training, supervisory and managerial training. Participants can be chosen randomly. And most of them are repeated right? Quality? better than us in the till? I saw his performance rating 100. How many times did he try? not sure if once or twice. Yes, the doubtful me will say twice. You know what's the issue? He jumped off at us. the trainers and the Amb. With lack of experience the quality lies on his talent. Output would be for the experienced. The position that he got is for experienced trainer. If not, he is just our secretary. Who is his boss? just Imagine my alarm whenever I see a new part timer on the floor. Not oriented or maybe they did but what was told to them? Anything impromptu is informal. How to formalize? Visual aids. Without that we are just like ordinary employees asked to passed info to their colleagues. They don't want to validate us? I am also not satisfied with my performance. But what to do yani? I was busy working on the floor then he'll call me to meet a trainee. How can you change character in split seconds? Because this is a routine? of who? The CS? The Zup? The SA? The Trainer? The Training officer? The Internal Customer? Even the labor management task has been part of my job. I am a nuisance? Can you compare my performance on my first 6 months or 1 year to your preferences? First 3 months can be too. I am very particular with my performance. My skepticism arises from the fact that I really have a high standard. Something that at times hard for me to do. What to do? I've been with smart people. Kindly remove my trainees.

I failed during my first hosting stint at the brand's first promotional campaign? I was waiting for a programme. What comes next after introducing the roles? Someone can take over the stage if it was plainly my stupidity. Mina delivered it better? He spoke in their language. He probably talked 5 minutes longer than I did. That's it. What happened next? Nothing. Did they forget that my audience were kids with special needs? How can there be interaction when a song was not even prepared to be played, so some can sing along and the mascots can dance. I took the bullet. Sorry, you might know this, but this is my most infamous mistake if you'll remove what happened after I left.

You've seen what happened when I organized a program right? I hosted. I briefed Kuya Antonio and he briefed Amiedel. I think we even write it down. The script was easy because it was a parody of a popular show. The plan was executed. I had a small glitch with the content, but I think it's permissible or to simply describe, It happens.

You didn't watch right? You should have seen the reaction of the devil. Such insensitivity. He is effing skill less compared to me. That reaction was claiming territory, right? to what? Anything that is not his. Not even belittling me, he has no right.

Choosing templates and slides, sound effects, animation, programme...

First 3 months, my mileages if I need to be compared. H&M really? ates and kuyas?

I was wrong for not directly asking for a certificate.

Only one per family? So, I am really bound to be a dependent? Do you know that Philippines is greatly influenced by America? Worse, poverty line here is bigger. We don't have inheritance.

BTW did somebody gave away paperless copy of scripts? One of my delusions.

[rainbowbarnacle]

Mmh, so, it's been a little while, I thought I'd do a little catchup post for the past couple years.

Good Things:

Still in a LDR with @mercurialmalcontent. Hi, darling, I love your whole face.

Bea is 10 as of this year and continues to be terrifying and adorable and terrifyingly adorable.

She did have some vet incidents this year--along with her check-up, she had to get her teeth cleaned. If you've never had a cat's teeth cleaned before, this means she had to get konked out, and oh boy she wasn't happy with me when she woke back up again, but all is well. It turns out she really likes the dental chicken treats!

Also at some point my poor baby got an ingrown toenail. It was easily fixable, at least, and they gave her a cute sheep bandage that matched her eyes:

But all that aside, my murderpuff has a clean bill of health, and thanks to some savings, it didn't entirely gouge my bank.

I have been gleefully absorbing myself in various shows here and there. The Owl House and Our Flag Means Death and What We Do in the Shadows are the most recent fandomy things. I had a lot of fun with The Witcher! (although I still need to catch up on season 2) Luka played Witcher 3 at some point and wow that game is amazing--the stories, the graphics, the music, the monsters, the voice acting, all of it A+++. Still glomming my eyeballs all over One Piece and Mob Psycho and Heaven's Design Team.

I've also been catching up on horror movies! These are often things I avoided like the plague because when I was little I used to think that if I watched things like The Exorcist or Scream or Hellraiser or Evil Dead, MY SENSITIVE SUGARSPUN SOUL WOULD BE TRAUMATIZED FOREVER, but I am continually surprised at how good these stories end up being. I even managed to get through Poltergeist, which I hadn't seen since my mother made me watch it when I was nine. Lots of women helping each other, and familial love, and all kinds of really interesting themes mixed in with it that I was too traumatized to really notice when I was a wee kidlet trying not to bodily expire at the sight of that FREAKIN CLOWN DOLL

As for videogames, I primarily live in FFXIV these days. (I still dip a toe in Animal Crossing, Stardew Valley, The Secret World, and Minecraft sometimes though.) The Shadowbringer and Endwalker expansions absolutely blew me away, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

I have been devouring lots of comics. Current favorites include: Kill Six Billion Demons, Everything is Fine, Unsounded, The Sea in You, Sink Your Hookteeth, Castle Swimmer, Shot & Chaser, Path to Timbala, Solivaga, Mias and Elle, and Feral Gentry. Got any recommendations? GIMMIE. :D

Things are mostly uneventful on the writing front. Still writing, still editing people's projects, but mostly I'm just sort of over here in my little corner chipping away at a few original stories as well as a pile of fics for ao3. It's slow going, but it's going.

Crappy Things:

I got a type 2 diabetes diagnosis sometime in May of 2019. I've been handling it pretty okay--my a1c is down to 5.8 as of my last doctor appointment! It's also been a weirdly fun opportunity to learn some new recipes and figure out how low glycemic foods work, so there's that.

I'm still struggling with CFS. Bleeeeh. No huge changes there--big wonky weather changes still make me feel like god is personally wadding me up into a ball, post-exertional malaise continues to be pretty miserable. I do my best to move around when I can--I even got a tiny exercise bike for when it's too icy/humid/miserable for walking, and this also means that if I feel like I'm overdoing it I can just stop instead of having to stagger all the way back home.

Still estranged from 99% of my relatives. No big changes there--I talk to my grandma about once a week, but that's about it.

Still struggling with mental health stuff--deperession, anxiety, PTSD, bad dreams, all that stuff. The one good thing about crappy brainweather is that I can kind of wait it out and something will change, though, so I've just kind of been taking it a day at a time.

I've been pretty freakin' lucky with COVID-19. I've had all my shots, and I'm continuing to mask up and handwash and all that stuff.

Sooo, that's what I've been up to mostly! :D Is that everything? I think that's everything.

Oh, we've also been having some rad thunderstorms:

[creek-cryptid-deluxe]

So I broke 2 molars about a month back. (Shout out to Indie the Chaos Demon's fat head.) I went to an emergency dentist because my jaw swelled & I could barely talk. The first dentist I saw there was a prick who was really condescending about the fact that these needed root canals & crowns ages ago, basically indicating that it's my own fault they broke. Then he saw my cane & said "What's that for? Are you under the care of a doctor?" Well yeah I just got done telling you about a genetic condition I have that fucks up my bones so I think that answers both questions here. I flat told him I couldn't afford the work & just need them extracted. He sneered & refused. The techs & office/billing ladies who had chit chatted with me before my exam were aware of my situation (genetic condition ruins structural integrity of teeth & left me disabled raising a kid on a little more than $900 a month). They came in to give me the info the doctor told them to, then got close to me & whispered that they were sending some antibiotics to my pharmacy & the other provider would be in the next day, so call in the morning & come in. (It's worth noting that I'm always very clearly embarrassed about the state of my teeth due to all those factors & am very upfront & apologetic about the whole thing with anyone involved. Sucks since I take immaculate care of them.)

The other provider with them was AMAZING. He looked at my xrays & chart & the notes about the situation at hand. Super lovely & understanding. However, after 8 cartridges of local anesthetic I still wasn't numb, aside from a little of my lip/cheek (which wore off within an hour). He was extremely apologetic about not being able to get it done & referred me to an oral surgeon. Bonus: he said the words "after looking at your medical history, I'd probably guess that the EDS is messing up how you're effected by lidocaine." What's annoying is that 3 years ago I had a crumbling molar removed & 2 hrs of them drilling infected jawbone out with just lidocaine so... that's fucking dumb.

The oral surgeon couldn't see me in the office closest until a week from today, so I set that up because with the antibiotics it didn't really hurt if I was careful.

Then yesterday Bailey got upset & hit me in the jaw with her fat paws. I've slept 2 hours, but not consecutively, had ice on my face since about midnight, and am genuinely wondering if I can just rip them out myself & what the consequences of that would be. So I called to see if they had any sooner appointments at literally any fucking office. At 130 pm I will be going under to get these taken from my head since apparently lidocaine doesn't work properly anymore.

Super fun fact: all of this is being financed via the bank of dad (which I hate doing) but overall cost is lower than I expected given that I need to be put under.

and AND 2 days after I initially scheduled with the oral surgeon, the back molar on the other side crumbled. It's missing the entire back half, but getting it out at the same time is an extra $525 that I just don't have the ability to conjure from any source right now. So this is just my life now. My teeth constantly breaking & me scrambling to sort it out. I also have a few front ones that are getting... sketch

[booksloth91]

Day 72 10/16/18

Tuesday

Mon Amour stayed home again. I had a hard time getting up because I didn't feel good. I went to work though.

Work was fine, it was really exciting at the beginning because I was on the hunt for a check with my boss, then it was a few easier tasks. I know I was getting sick because I was a little dazed at my desk, and trying to figure out what to do next when my boss asked me if I was okay. I told I think I am getting sick. He was joking sort of "no, don't get sick". I told him I would try not to and went home a couple minutes early.

When I got home I felt terrible. Mon Amour said I looked terrible. I started coughing more, my throat hurt, I had a fever, and I hurt. I cried trying to get out of my leggings and into pjs.

Mon Amour fixed up the couch, I ate leftovers of my Chinese food. I also had a glass of orange juice. Mon Amour played Skyrim, he also did clean-up chores. It was really great of him to do all that. I am so thankful to him, he does so much, and it means so much.

The Kid went to school and came back. Mon Amour was feeling beeter than me.

He and the Kid went to the bank to cash the Kid's birthday money and go to a psych appointment.

I mostly stayed on the couch. I did some nonprofit research for my friend who was looking for ethics and best practice and other information and sent it to her.

Another research project was not as fun. I am still not sure how I feel but my feelings did get hurt.

One of the guys in my DND group had an idea for a Southern Gothic campaign set in the deep South with all the magical races and everything. He considered setting it in Lousianna, which is all well and good until he brought up Vodou. He wanted to use it as part of the campaign, and the introduction.

I made a point of saying, that's not a really good idea, it's a form of appropriation. Vodou gets a bad rep, has struggles being seen as legitimate and gets sensationalized in media, including rpgs, it might be best to avoid usong that in your game, and can be seen as disrespectful.

I did say this in group chat, and the guy in question is white bread white.

The weird thing was the others being upset by my mentioning it. Or stating that this could be disrespectful to a living religion. Saying things like "it's just a game", or "I am religious too, but..." Or the "historical accuracy" arguments.And others telling me to chill, when I was being pretty chill. I wasn't attacking I was literally just stating that Vodou is a living religion and to use it in an rpg for ambiance is a form,of appropriation and not cool to do. Or my favorite that came from someone "Isn’t it up to these groups what they are and aren’t ok with this or not? If we care that much, it’s not ok to just assume that this isn’t ok with people who practice this". This statement here is super offensive. 1. I am a part of a witchcraft religion and find this to be super disrespectful to another Craft religion. 2. I know Vodou practitioners and they would find this offensive. 3. I am a religious studies major and I studied religious theory and polytheistic religions including indigenous and know that Vodou is a closed religion. 4. You are saying that out of respect, you don't want to assume what you are doing is disrespectful, because you want these groups to speak for themselves. This is a super convoluted thought and the logic is so twisted so that you doing the thing you want to do isn't disrespectful (even when it is), it smacks of white priveldge and ignorance. And super NOT COOL. 5. Its appropriation without my credentials and is still super not cool.

The DM stepped in on the chat but I did feel ganged up on. The group has been presented as rather open minded and rather progressive. This conversation made me really uncomfortable.

For the record, our DM used Wicca as part of her game, it wasn't done to add ambience or exoticism. In the world we are playing in there is a whole city-state that Wicca is the major religion. Which is cool. She wanted us to be arriving at the city during a major festival, Spring Equinox. She wanted to be respectful. She reached out to me and asked how Ostara is celebrated, asked about the holiday. And she and I talked in detail and at length about what it would look like and what would be legitimate and not sensationalism. I even found DND deities that might be worshipped at that time of year by the magical folks in that world. How a city wide festival might look. She did not describe a ritual but she described an altar accurately, and described what would be used in decorations accurately. And did so with respect, showing what it would look like in a dystopian world that Wicca became a majority religion. Part of the reason, she asked me if it would be okay in the first place as a person who has knowledge and practices if it would be okay to use it, and she took the time to listen to me about the holiday and incorporated the beliefs into the game without making it an exotic big deal.

The guy with the Vodou idea, was not doing any of this and was quite rude when presented with the information.

After Superwoman DM stepped into the conversation, I sent her why I was saying what I was saying, I wasn't angry, I was just perturbed. I wanted my acquaintance to not be a disrespectful person. She suggested I tell him what Ibtold her in the way I told her.

I sent him in detail why I was concerned and why I chose to approach him. He had the gall to say he will make a decision once he has consulted "official resources". I still wanting to be helpful offered him a resource list I had, because I have read quite a lot about Vodou, and wanted to give him non-sensationalist and accurate academic resources. He was a jerk, but I sent them to him anyway.

I am still upset and feeling uncomfortable with what happened.

Mon Amour came home from taking the Kid to the Kid's mom, and doctor's appointment.

Mon Amour said the doctor thinks the Kid could use more structure. He told me I should feel vindicated and gave me a little time to be so. I took the moment to say "I told you so." I was mostly joking. However, I have been saying structure is needed for 3 years.

After, we talked a bit about some of the ways Mon Amour wants to introduce structure. I asked how the Kid was going to buy in or follow the rules. I want to know how the rules will be kept consistent, because inconsistency with rules makes them useless. We also discussed negative consequences, he feels it's too late to introduce them, I am worried about the struggle the Kid will have if he doesn't learn to negotiate them before he enters the adult world. Mon Amour said he wasn't sure and asked to not talk about these things right now, as the conversation wasn't going where he thought it would. I agreed. And we changed the subject.

We chatted about some other things like the evening's plan and about a gym membership, and what Mon Amour wants to do with theatre right now. We also talked about his taking better self-care Him time.

We had a knock on the door for a campaigner for the November ballot. And not long after Sunshine came over, Mon Amour gave her the cupcakes that we had for her and her sister. It was good to see her, Mon Amour qalked Sunshine to her car, and came back in.

We talked a few more minutes about desires for the house, and his decision on Theatre for the time being. And about adjusting the schedule.

After we were done talking we snuggled on the couch and watched more Hilda. The Kid came home while Mon Amour was getting food (leftovers) for us to eat.

The Kid was wanting to share things about his gecko, and food supply, and wanted Mon Amour's attention and was grumpy when reminded that it was date night. Mon Amour and I ate and cuddled and watched more Hilda, the Kid interrupted a couple times after being told it was date night. I paused the show, but was frustrated by the interruption, because the Kid had been told this is our date night. It wasn't very respectful of him. I try really hard not to interrupt his time one on one with his dad, it feels like he doesn't even think or consider before walking in interrupting, and expecting us to listen to him when Mon Amour and I are having one on one time. I wish he wouldn't act so rudely.

Anyway, Mon Amour and I did very much enjoy watching Hilda. He is just as delighted with the show as I am. We both really like the music, and the art style. Representation in the show is also fantastic. We talked about what we really liked.

After Hilda, Mon Amour read me Winnie The Pooh A.A. Milne. We read Piglet Sees A Heffalump. It is always nice to have Mon Amour read aloud. I like Pooh Bear when I am feeling sick.

After, Mon Amour helped the Kid with ordering items with birthday money, and went to the grocery store for bunny food. He finished up a couple chores again of which I am so grateful. I fed the bunnies, and got ready for bed.

Mon Amour gave me sexual touch before bed at my request and I was very satisfied. I was totally ready for sleep.

He got into bed, and we fell asleep snuggled close.

I had dreams last night. They were dreams where I was upset. I was a teenager? Early 20s? again, and I was going somewhere,with my mom and friends. I think an Island off the coast of Greece. We were having a good time but Mom and I argued, I had a cold in the dream, my HPS also showed in the dream and asked for essential oils for a cold, I said lavender and lemon. It then changed to a boarding school? And I was a teen? but the boy I was sitting next to was being a sexist jerk, and had assaulted me. I was angry and yelling. The dream changed again but I was still upset. Gracie cat was there, but then she went missing?

I woke up with the alarms, the dreams didn't make a lot of sense.

[pbandjesse]

I'm feeling kind of low tonight. The bruise on my leg has spread and become one giant bruise. So I had to call the doctor. I actually did it on the app and spoke to a nurse. And send a picture. And they told me to call. And I did. And they said I should come in. So I'm going to the doctor on Thursday. Everyone is very excited. Because they've been telling me all day today and all day yesterday to go to the doctor and I was being stubborn. Mostly I was being scared. But it's getting too bad.

Honestly I just feel very tired. Today was a long day. I slept okay last night and I woke up what's my alarm. I got dressed and had a bowl of cereal. And then I went to the museum. I was a couple minutes early and check the tour route. It was kind of a annoying day because the schools were early and that through off the tour is and then no one seemed to know where people were supposed to be and I was listening to my manager and other people weren't it was a whole thing. I don't know why everything got so confused but it was fine. Just obnoxious to kind of have to Vamp when there's that many tours happening.

But I survived. I collected more of the cardboard squares from upstairs and put them in a box and jam to the box in my bike basket and went to the bus.

While I was on the bus I got to do a survey from the Metro about how the service is. And I told them that my biggest complaint is sometimes three buses will come all next to each other. And what should happen when the buses but up against each other like that is that everyone should get off the other two boxes onto one. The other two buses should wait. And then get themselves back on schedule. Because right now they're not running on any schedule at all it seems and even the app doesn't know when they're coming. That's ridiculous.

Then I got to school only a couple of minutes late. It was all good. I had my pizza that I picked up at 7-Eleven and went to find Chelsea. We talked about what we were going to do that day and made some plans. It was all good. We were both kind of sad that we're not going to Six Flags on Friday anymore but it'll still be a fun day with the little kids.

In general today was a good day. We got our students and it was a small class. Everybody came upstairs and got right into their working. We went outside it's beautiful. Al is brought these very strange four wheeled skates that were wheeled in the front, two 9n the sides, and one in the back. But like me she felt that the basketball court was the safest and flattest place that she could do it. So I rode around on my skateboard and she worked on her roller skates. And it was a lot of fun.

We had dinner and cleaned up and then Chelsea went to the classroom to kind of set up stations for art making. The boys worked on mosaics. Specifically they wanted to make tiny laptops. Which was very cute. Damien made a puppet. Couple of the girls worked on mosaics again with the stones and the beads. Everyone was so excited about how many squares I brought. Literally a thousand. And then Dallas was running a marbling paper station.

I had never marble paper before. So I told Dow she was going to be in charge of this project. And it first that was fine. They each had containers they put Smokes on that use the shaving cream and food coloring to create patterns and then there's paper in it. But then about a half way through the class they all just started making foam color. That's fine. Make some sensory art. I don't care. What a dick Carol was when they started pouring it into each other's containers. Because then it started getting on the floor. And then start getting on all of them. Somehow they used an entire gallon of paint. She was wild how much paint they use. It didn't go horribly but it was a huge mess at the end and I kept telling Dallas that this was her project and so she was responsible. And she kept saying but it wasn't me. And I kept trying to explain to her that even if it wasn't her she was responsible because it was her project. So she got them off and she mop the ground. China helped. And everyone work together as best we could but it was hard because so many people are getting picked up early. We did our best but it took almost 40 minutes to clean the classroom.

I got upset though because while we're cleaning I am losing steam. My leg was hurting and my arm was hurting. During the art time I had called the nurse to make the appointment so I was kind of emotionally drained from that as well. And then two of my kids come back in because their grandmother was upset that they had paint on them. And that she was saying I had to do their laundry. And that how dare I let them get so dirty and stained. Are you serious question mark this is an art class! Like why would you sign up your kids to be in our class and be upset that they have paint on them. Everyone is going to have paint on them it's going to happen it's our class. If you don't want to let them get dirty put them in aftercare. It made me so incensed that after all the kids were gone I stayed behind with chelsi that we can have a meeting with Tiffany. She told me not to worry about it and that she agreed it was a ridiculous comment and she was not happy about it either. That made me feel listen to at least. And then I told her the story of what happened with my accident because my bruise has gotten so bad and Chelsea kept yelling at me because I hadn't gone to the doctor. And Tiffany was shocked that I didn't go as well. She said that I should have stayed home. And honestly I don't disagree but I also feel like yesterday it wasn't that bad. I was sore and stiff but the bruise wasn't as outrageous as it is today. James really thinks that I have some kind of hematoma but I'm very concerned because there is a hard lump next to the impact point now and I am having weird numbness in my leg. It really is the craziest bruise I've ever seen on my body. And that's fairly upsetting but I'm trying not to be too upset.

Because I was leaving later than normal I texted James to see if we're going to have dinner and he wanted to go and get a burger at the marketplace. So I'm going to get the bus and as I'm crossing the street Marcus and Miss Elaine honk their horn at me and they gave me a ride back to my neighborhood. Just as we were getting to Rite Aid James was walking up the street and so they were yelling out the car at him and waving. It was very cute. It was good to see him.

I did feel in better spirits today. But I think I'm emotionally I'm dealing with a lot and that's hard. We walk to my apartment and stopped for a few minutes to feed sleepy. And then we went to Mount Vernon Marketplace for dinner. We got burgers and we shared fries. He told me about his interview which apparently went really well. I have very high hopes but we keep everything realistic just in case. It would be so good for him. And I really want him to feel happy and secure. All I ever want it's for him to feel that way.

But we had a really nice dinner and then we came back here. I kind of had it anxiety Spike about moving because there's not a ton we can move right now. A lot of the stuff in the apartment is things that I just need to feel happy and comfortable here. He did bring one bag over and my piggy bank. So at least something got moved in the trip wasn't wasted and that's really what I was upset about. We also made a list of what things are going to his place what things are going to his parents place and what things are coming back to my parents place. That helped a lot.

He went home and I took a shower. And now I'm just laying in bed watching videos. I'm going to go get an ice pack and try to get some rest. My arm is hurting me and tomorrow's going to be another long day. The plan for tomorrow is Museum in the morning then hopefully I get to the school and have time to do some cleaning and organizing. I really want to get a lot of the stuff that's on the cart off the cart so that we don't have to think about it on Thursday and Friday. And then rest. That's all I want.

I hope you guys all have a good night. Send me some good vibes because I feel sad. And stressed. Good night everyone