#it's just that exam weeks drains the shit outta me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

theghostofashton · 7 years ago

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i’m giving you all my love

hi so i said i'd post a valentine's day oneshot...and it's now technically the 15th oops i had an exam today and that kinda drained me so it took a while to get into a groove and really write this.

i intended on it being really cute but there's a lot of sad??? god i didn't expect that i thought i was getting better at writing fluff and then this happens

so trigger warning for depression and anxiety i guess. also i listened to 'i won't give up' on repeat writing so y'all should def listen to that while you read. it's where the title's from anyway so lmao

enjoy!

It’s been a long few days.

It’s been blurred edges and unclear endings, stiff-limbed and limp, grease and tangled sheets, all mashing together to form the ache in his head and the lump in his throat. It’s been jagged and sharp but soft and pliable and easily walked over. It’s been stringy hair and sweat soaked fabric and white walls and bleary eyes. It’s been heavy and exhausting and all too familiar.

It’s been depression and it’s been his life for the past week.

It’s not foreign and it’s definitely not the first time but it’s not something he’ll ever get used to. It’s hard to accustom to the feeling of waking up with ledges and pills and what if I just went to sleep and never woke up again wouldn’t that be easy wouldn’t it make everyone’s lives better wouldn’t it make the world a better place.

Wouldn’t it?

Geoff bought him that journal for Christmas and told him to write his feelings but he couldn’t even manage to sort through what he was feeling, figure out where the sadness ended and the numbness began. It all mixed together, draping over him like a weighted blanket that caused him anxiety rather than helping with it.

He was hollow, he was numb, he was nothing. Like someone reached inside his body and scooped everything out, all traces of happiness and light and laughter and sustenance, gone. The flowers shriveled up and weeds began to grow and every shaft of light was sealed off and his skeleton felt like just that. A skeleton. Nothing more. A series of bones arranged in a particular order that he knew had a purpose but didn’t want to give one.

And now he’s here and the worst of it is over – he got out of bed and put something into his stomach and showered, for the first time in close to seven days jesus fucking christ you’re disgusting – Geoff’s at work and he’s alone. Maybe he’ll actually get some work done today, record some more or rework some lyrics he wrote a couple weeks ago. His journal is sitting, untouched, on their nightstand, pen resting on top so every time he looked up in the past week all he saw was a reminder that he couldn’t even be sad right. He couldn’t even put it into words he’s not a real artist he’s nothing nothingnothingnothing.

He jumps when his phone buzzes in his pocket. His heart is racing as he pulls it out of his jeans, startled by the sudden noise. “Hey dude, what’s up?”

“What are you and Geoff doin’ tomorrow night?” Jawn asks. He’s never been one for pleasantries. Awsten chuckles and leans back against the counter, shifting the phone against his ear.

“I dunno,” he says. “Why? You wanna do something?”

“Are you fuckin’ with me?”

“What?”

“Funny one, Aws. I know you got plans tomorrow, don’t even try ta hide it.”

Awsten grips his phone tighter, pulling his lip in with his teeth. What is he forgetting? Is it Geoff’s birthday? His own? There’s something significant about tomorrow…

“M’not joking Jawn.” The words feel weird on his tongue, too big for his mouth. He swallows around them and tries to keep his breathing steady. “What’s tomorrow?”

“It’s Valentine’s Day dude. Did you seriously forget?”

He stops.

The world swirls around him, like someone just put him in a blender and he’s watching everything move around from inside. He presses a hand to his temple and closes his eyes but the dizziness doesn’t cease. “I. Um. I gotta. Go.” He hangs up the phone with shaking hands, barely able to press the button to end the call and cut off Jawn’s higher, now worried sounding voice.

Valentine’s Day he forgot Valentine’s Day how did this happen how did he do this what the fuck is he going to do how did he forget what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck you really did it this time you fucked up you fucked up you fucked up big time you fucked up.

He knows Geoff’s been planning something Geoff is always planning something Geoff always has a surprise up his sleeve that’s not Valentine’s Day that’s dating Geoff Wigington he’s always ready to top his previous gift and he definitely will this time because Awsten doesn’t even have a gift.

He takes a step forward and stumbles, leaning back against the counter and gripping the edge to stay steady. He hears the loud barks before he feels a body against his legs, pressing against his calves. “H-Hey Coops,” he forces out, reaching down with a still trembling hand to tangle his fingers in the dog’s fur.

Cooper barks again, standing up on his hind legs and pressing a paw into his thigh. He swallows and bends down, further and further, until his butt hits the floor. He pulls his knees up to his chest and Cooper whines loudly, pawing at his kneecaps. When he puts his legs down Cooper practically jumps onto his lap, pawing desperately at his face and raking his tongue across Awsten’s skin.

Awsten rubs at his eyes. He didn’t even realize he was crying. He swallows against the lump in his throat and holds out a hand for Cooper to lick. “I’m fine boy. Thank you. I love you. I’m okay, I promise.”

Cooper stays at his side when he gets up, follows him into the bedroom and jumps onto his bed and even tries to join him in the bathroom a few minutes later.

As calming as Cooper is, it doesn’t take away from the fact that Valentine’s Day is tomorrow and he still doesn’t have a gift and has no idea what he could do for a gift and Geoff’s probably had something planned for weeks this is just another nail in the coffin he’s the worst fiancé in the world and now everyone’s gonna know about it their friends will ask what they got each other for Valentine’s Day and Geoff will lie and be sweet like he always is and he’ll feel his heart pulsate and his skin shrivel up and melt off his body because all he is is a skeleton.

A useless sack of bones that has nothing to give to his fiancé on Valentine’s Day.

…

“Jawn shut up and talk to me. Is he okay?”

“He hung up real quick.” Jawn’s voice crackles through his phone. Geoff shifts the phone between his shoulder and ear and stretches to pull his keys out of his pocket. He unlocks the front door and grabs his phone again, touching a button to put Jawn on speaker. “He…I really don’t think he realized what tomorrow is.”

“He hasn’t gotten outta bed in a week,” Geoff tells him. “I didn’t expect him to remember or even want to do anything, honestly.”

“But you planned something, didn’t you?”

“Of course I did,” he mutters. “He deserves it. He deserves so much more than it.”

“And I don’t suppose you’ll tell me what ‘it’ is…”

“If Awsten wants to tell you, he can,” Geoff says. “It’s his surprise.”

“Please don’t tell me you got him a fuckin’ sex swing or shit.”

“I’m hanging up now.” Geoff touches another button on his screen and slips his phone into his pocket. Awsten’s car was in the driveway when he pulled in – he didn’t expect him to go anywhere. Getting out of bed is accomplishment enough – but he usually would’ve heard the garage open and come out to see him by now. “Aws? Love, where are you?”

A series of loud barks is his response. Cooper rushes into the room and weaves around his legs. He gets up on his hind legs and paws at Geoff’s thighs. Geoff crouches down so he can see him better and rests a hand on his head. “What’s goin’ on Coops? Where’s Awsten?”

Cooper leads him into the bedroom. Geoff stops in the doorway, bringing a hand to his heart. He presses it into his chest. His teeth sink into his lip.

Awsten is lying on his side, knees pulled up to his chest. His eyes are closed and his cheeks are shining with tear tracks. His face looks swollen, like he’s been crying for a long time. His hair is messy. He’s dressed, wearing jeans and one of his favorite sweaters.

He was so close.

Geoff moves to the side of the bed. He slips out of his denim jacket and tosses it into the floor. Awsten’s facing away from him and now, most definitely asleep. The movement would’ve roused him if he weren’t.

He slides onto the bed and pulls Awsten into his arms. Awsten squirms and snuffles a bit, letting out a whimper. He begins to stir and Geoff winces, pressing his lips against the back of his neck, right where his hair stops. “S’okay baby. Go back to sleep. M’here now. Everything’s gonna be okay.”

The conversation that followed would’ve been so unbelievably uncomfortable had it happened. But Awsten falls back into sleep quickly, sniffling and choking out another raspy whimper before going still in Geoff’s arms. Geoff sighs, tousling his fingers through the soft lavender strands of hair. Awsten’s roots are growing in, brown mixing with purple to create a blend that Geoff loves but he knows Awsten isn’t happy with.

Depression drains him, draws the shade on saturation like the color has simply been vacuumed out. He lives in achromics, a sea of misery that confines him to their bed, leaves him limp and lifeless, repaints the purple under his eyes darker than his hair because he’s tired but not sleeping, in bed but not resting, surviving life but not living.

“I love you so much,” Geoff murmurs against Awsten’s skin. “You make me happier than I ever thought I could be and I hate that I can’t do that for you. But I hope tomorrow makes you smile because I love your smile and I love your laugh and I love when your eyes get all crinkly because you can’t stop smiling. You’ve given me everything and I hope tomorrow shows you that. I love you, angel. More than I’ll ever be able to say.”

…

He’s gonna be sick.

His stomach’s been churning all day, flipping over and over uncomfortably. The closer they get to dinnertime the more nauseous he feels because Geoff definitely has something planned and the shitty thing he did won’t ever match up and he doesn’t want to win the worst fiancé in history award but he’s definitely on the nominees list.

“Love, hey, we’re gonna go for a drive.” Geoff rests a hand on his back and presses his jacket against his body. “I wanna show you something.”

This is it it’s happening he’s the worst fiancé he won it’s happening he’s gonna look like an idiot Geoff is a dream and he’s a nightmare he’s everyone’s worst nightmare why does Geoff want to marry this mess does he even realize what he’s getting himself into.

It doesn’t stop for the entirety of the drive. Geoff takes his hand over the center console and he squirms, sweating and shaking and trying to discreetly pull away without Geoff noticing you fucked up you’re worthless he’s gonna hate you.

“Baby.” The car stops and he looks up. They’re parked…in the park? He was thinking fancy dinners and expensive china and food he’s not even hungry for, making a fool out of himself in front of a bunch of snobby people and watching the smile drop off Geoff’s face as his act fell through. He was expecting disappointment and guilt and fear and shame, not to end up at the park he practically lives at while Geoff’s at work all day.

Geoff comes around and pulls his door open for him, then extends a hand. He bites his lip and lets Geoff help him out of the car and lead him into the park. “What are we…what is this?”

“You’ll see,” Geoff says. “Close your eyes love, okay? No peeking. I don’t want you ta see it before it’s ready. Don’t ruin the surprise.”

Of course there’s a surprise of course it’s something huge he doesn’t know what Geoff did but whatever it is it’s huge and now he has to explain how he couldn’t come up with a better present because he couldn’t drag his stupid ass out of bed he doesn’t want to be here he doesn’t want to do this why is this happening to him why is this his life why is Geoff still with him whywhywhy.

“Alright,” Geoff’s voice sounds farther away. “Open them.”

And when he does, all he can do is stare.

They’re in the part of the park that’s secluded, a little corner off to the side completely enclosed in by trees. The trees are covered in this spider webbed cotton and strung with little white fairy lights honestly how the fuck did Geoff even plug them in there’s a large picnic blanket on the ground with a basket sitting on top of it. “Geoff, I-”

“Hang on.” Geoff steps over to him and takes his hands, moving so they’re both standing in the middle of everything. “I…I knew you didn’t wanna go big this year, Aws. I know it’s been rough for you lately. I know you’ve been in a really bad place and I know this week in particular was really, really bad. I didn’t wanna do something huge. I didn’t think you’d want it either. Save that for the wedding, right?” He chuckles and waves a hand across. “I wanted it to be simple. Just you and me, under the lights, watching the stars.” He lifts Awsten’s chin and looks him in the eye. “Valentine’s Day’s not about how much you spend or how big you go. It’s about love and being together and celebrating that and it is so beautiful. You, Aws. You are so beautiful. And this is the place we met, the place we went on our first date, the place we became boyfriends…this is the exact spot I proposed to you. This is our reminder that no matter what happens, it’ll always be us, Geoff and Awsten, against the world. Okay? You’ll always have me. No matter what happens. I’ll always be here and I’ll always love you, even when you don’t love yourself.” He smiles. “This day is about you, love. I get to celebrate you. That’s why I love it so much. Any day I get ta celebrate you is a good day for me. I love you, Awsten Constantine Knight. You are the love of my life and I can’t wait to call you my husband.”

“Geoff…” Awsten chokes out. Tears are dripping down his chin and clinging to his neck. His cheeks hurt. The smile aches but he leaves it, looking into Geoff’s eyes. His lip is quivering but he leans in anyway, crashing his lips to Geoff’s. “I-I love you. I don’t- this is…” He trails off. Geoff knows him better than anyone. This just proved that.

He swallows and pulls his phone out of his pocket. Of course Geoff’s idea, no matter how simple, would still turn out over the top and absolutely brilliant. His heart is racing. He still feels the nausea, the balloon lodged in the pit of his stomach that’s just about to pop. “I’m so sorry about how bad this is I forgot I know I’m the worst I hate myself it’s okay I’m so sorry I tried so hard but I couldn’t think of anything for so long and then when I finally did I didn’t have time to-”

“Whoa, breathe sweetheart.” Geoff grips his biceps and holds him up. Awsten wobbles. His legs feel like jelly. He’s sure if Geoff weren’t holding him that he would’ve fainted. “It’s okay. Take a deep breath. Listen. I talked to Jawn, okay? It’s okay. Everything’s okay. No one’s mad at you, it’s perfectly alright. I need you to breathe with me, okay angel? Deep breaths. You’re okay.”

He feels hot and cold at the same time ice is breaking over his back and heat is swelling up right underneath he wants to go why did he even start talking oh god. “I-I wrote you a song for Christmas and I. I wrote this. And it’s probably so bad and I’m so sorry and I didn’t even have time to record it or anything I don’t even know if it sounds okay I just. I didn’t wanna give you nothing you always do all these nice things for me and I’m too much of a mess to do the same and I’m so sorry because you deserve so much better.”

“Awsten.” Geoff’s voice is firm. “Stop. Today is about the person I love, and I’m not gonna let you talk like that about him, okay? He deserves every ounce of love this world has and nothing less.”

“I don’t deserve you,” Awsten says again, pushing his phone at Geoff.

He waits, tasting copper as Geoff’s eyes move back and forth. He swipes the screen and Awsten presses down harder, squeezing his eyes shut against the tears that are burning.

“You’re my final destination?” Geoff looks up at him. His voice sounds…different. Awsten’s never heard that shift in tone before. “I hope it’s nicer where you are, ‘cause I only wanna lift you up? Aws, this is…this is beautiful, sweetheart.”

He barely gets a word out before Geoff is hugging him, pressing him into his chest. Awsten tucks his head up under Geoff’s chin and lets his tears soak into Geoff’s shirt. “You really like it?”

“You know how many times I’ve listened to Lucky People?” He shakes his head. “After you record this I promise I’ll listen to it twice as much. But baby…this is never going to end, okay? I’m never going to leave you. And wherever I go, you’re comin’ with me. I love you. Good days and bad, I love all of them and I want to be there for all of them the rest of my life. So please stop beating yourself up over this angel. You gave me an amazing present, and even if you hadn’t, everything would still be okay. You’ve had a rough week. Being here, with me…that’s present enough love. Having you is present enough.”

“I love you,” Awsten sobs. His chest feels like it’s exploding. His heart could burst. It’s warm and there are fireworks and everything is spinning but it’s a carousel not a blender it’s a carousel of horses and laughter and light.

He feels his knees hit the ground and he’s there for just a moment before Geoff pulls him into his lap. They press their lips together and he wraps his arms around Geoff’s neck, resting his forehead against Geoff’s when they pull away. Geoff’s crying and he is too. The liquid supply is endless, like his heart decided to lodge itself in his tear ducts and pour out all his love for Geoff.

“I love you,” Geoff echoes. Awsten scoots off his lap and puts a hand on his chest. He pushes him until he’s lying down and curls next to him, rests his head on Geoff’s chest and turns his gaze to the stars. Geoff grabs his hand and intertwines their fingers, then brings it to his lips for a kiss.

They’ve shared many Valentine’s Days and they’re usually full of the clichés, of candy and chocolate hearts and fancy dinners and a wild night to finish things off.

This is different.

This is messy, laden with panic attacks and fresh tears and fear and anxiety, this is blurry and foggy and real, this is how he is most of the time, the real him that can’t be shoved under some candy hearts and a nice suit. And somehow, this is the person that Geoff loves, the anxiety-ridden, depression-heavy mess. But this is also fairy lights and stars and carousels and warmth fireworks fireplaces home this is home Geoff is his home.

This is his favorite.

This is everywhere he wants to be, forever, until the end of time.

This is everything.

#waterparks #waterparks fanfiction #awsten knight #geoff wigington #gawsten #gawsten fanfiction #this got real sad real quick oops #appreciate me #i wrote most of this past midnight #idk if it's even coherent #neha writes

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