#it's just like.....i'm 33 soon to be 34. and i've barely lived at all.
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Me recently: what if someone thinks I’m a loser? What if I AM a loser??
#what triggers this? usually comparing my life to other people's#it's just like.....i'm 33 soon to be 34. and i've barely lived at all.#i feel like there are certain life experiences that people do in their 20s that they look back on and say#'those things i did i would not do now as they were probably a bad idea#but i was young and fun and now i'm older and can calm down a bit and i'm glad i had those experiences'#but for me i feel like it took me this long to find the tiniest idea of who i am#sometimes i feel like i fel out of a cocoon or something like a year ago#i feel like i was born yesterday i've done no living at all#and that which i did do i don't talk about because i don't want to make other people feel like i do right now#if they haven't done those things#but like i've not done anything god fuck#my friend who doesn't message me back any more said it seemed like i wanted new experiences and that's not a bad thing#and it's true and she's right but omg i'm so scared#every time i tried to do anything the slightest bit adventurous in the past something went fucked up#and all the people who might have introduced me to fun new things are gone because they made me feel shitty#and when i meet new people they stop messaging me#i'm waaaay way too old to be behaving like an experiementing teenager and i feel like everyone is laughing at me because of it#even if they are not i feel like they can tell i'm the boring person i always thought i would grow up to be#i better stop here because i'm crying again fuck fuck fuck
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Queen concerts were also successful beause of those guys!
Scroll if you want to learn who these guys are and what they did. You will also read about a Lord, a henna user, who had best haircut and Queen’s favorite food. (I wrote in bold letters the parts about Queen members and some funny facts.)
1. a"rigger". They assemble the stage (all 6000 square feet of it). Sometimes this can take two days, so there are two stages on this European tour. While one is being taken down at one venue, the other is being assembled at the next.
2 another "rigger".
3 John "Tumbridge" Wells, one of the security men responsible for looking after the members of Queen. "Tumbridge" looks after Brian May, escorts him wherever he goes and keeps the fans from getting too close.
4 Wally Gore group security, he looks after John Deacon
5 Alex Alexandrou, carpenter. There's two of us, and we put up all the stage scenery. I put up the walkways around the back and sides of the stage wich Freddie runs along. He likes to run on carpet, so I have to lay that down everywhere.
6. Chris "Crystal" Taylor, group coordinator. He organises all of the personal Queen crew, roadies, the security men. He makes sure they all know what they have to do and when they have to do it.
7. Jim Deveney, monitor engineer. "I sit out of sight on stage. I have to make things sound good so that the band can hear what they're doing. The sound comes through these speakers called "monitors" wich face onto the stage. The worst act I ever worked for was Rod Stewart. He was really miserable.
8. Joe Fanelli, Freddie's main personal assistant, who cooks for him at his London Home. "He likes anything really exotic, North African food, curries, good French cooking. He hates veal and doesn't eat carrots. Lambs is a bit iffy too. Brian's vegetarian but he eats fish. John likes very simple food, pie and mash and Roger likes anything but lamb.
9. Tony Williams, in charge of Queen's wardrobe. "I have to look after all of the band's stage clothes. That includes lots of details like making sure all the changes of clothes they need are backstage (Freddie changes about three times each performance), labelling the band's stage shoes (because they all wear the same stripey Adidas), and looking after Freddie's special moustache scissors. Also I have to wash all of their clothes in my hotel bedroom. My bath is always full. And Brian May has been using all this red henna do dye his hair and it comes out all over his shirts. It's very hectic".
10. Brandan Hyland, group security
11. One of the 15 "truckers" who each drive a massive 40 feet lorry loaded up with sound and lighting equipment. (For extra money they also operate the spotlights wich "follow" the group around stage).
12. Brian "Jobby" Zellis. one of Queen's personal road crew.
13 Brian May, Queen's guitarist.
14 John "Moxy" Glover, Roger Taylor's personnal roadie. "Basically I have to look after his drum kit and set it up on stage. I have to keep him supllied with drum sticks. He has sticks made with his own name on and he uses about ten sets a show. I got a bit drunk with Status Quo's roadies in Paris earlier this tour, and started throwing all his sticks in the audience.
15. Terry Giddings, group security.
16. Dieter Breit, physiotherapist for the group and crew. He has to look after any sprains and injuries that anybody might suffer, e.g. a sprained guitar-playing finger which needs massaging on Brian May's valuable hand.
17. A lighting assistant.
18. A "rigger"
19. Peter "Ratty" Hince, one of Queen's personal road crew. "I have to look after John Deacon's bass guitars and Freddie's guitar and special radio microphones (the one that don't have a fead) and keyboard instruments. I have to make sure that everything is exactly where it should be on stage, otherwise Freddie particularly will glare and let me know if anything's wrong. He's very particular about things being just right. Personally I don't enjoy these tour as much as the old ones. Nowadays ther's too much equipment, too many hangers-on, and everybody's trying to be important."
20. John "Collie" Collins, one of Queen's personnal road crew. "I'm the spare man, really. I work with Ratty and the piano tuner, help to see that everything is where it should be at the right time. Do you know I got married yesterday! I celebrated the wedding with the band and crew. It had to be squeezed in during the tour.
21. Roger Taylor, Those "shades"! That turned up collar! Must be Queen's drummer.
22. A trucker
23. Another trucker.
24. A rigger.
25. Another rigger
26 John Deacon, youn know , Queen's bass player, the one with the good haircut.
27 Tom "Midget" Foehlinger, sound monitor
28 An unknown person who sneaked in
29 Mickey Conafray, trucker
30 Mick Riddle, caterer
31 A lighting assistant
32 Albert Sutton, truck driver. "I carry the sound system, or some of it. We don't see the band or the road crew most of the time, because we travel ahead of everyone else. We have to get to the site before they do, and although we help with the setting up, we're off for two days while the rest of them are working on the concert. There are 15 "truckers" on this tour, plus the bus wich takes the road crew and sometimes the band. The worst thing about this job is being away from home for a long time when you're on tour. And the best thing is...erm maybe that should be a secret".
33. A caterer
34 Dave Lewis, another Caterer
35 A sound monitor.
36 Stave Benjamins, one of Queen's personal road crew, or "roadies" as they hate to be called. They look after all the instruments, microphones and amplifiers which Queen use on stage, setting them up, tuning them, and keep them clean.
37. another trucker"
38. Dave Thomas, caterer. I've been catering for Queen since 1975, every tour. The band eat the same food as everyone else, but they do have certain favorite foods. After a show they usually like an omelette or sometimes beans on toast or occasionally a steak au poivre. They're also pretty fond of Indonesian cooking".
39. Rex Ray, second sound engineer. He mixes the sound for all the support groups.
40. Spike Edney, keybordist and second guitar player: " My biggest fear is that it might get too damp, which makes the synthesisers cut out. I just pray that I'm out of clouting range of Freddie if that happens. He might not realise why I'm not playing and he'd be very upset if he thought I was daydreaming of something. But Queen on the whole are great to work with and they get drunk a lot too. Champagne every night, it's great!
41. Simon tutchener, lighting director. "I operate the main lighting console during the concert. It took three weeks to rehearse. I have a crew who set all the lights up, and 14 spotlights operators who I control through an intercom system and one man on a "Ver-lite", plus a man on the colour changer computer, plus a man on a computer which controls the up and down movement of the whole lighting rig, and then there are a few bits on stage, including Brian May special spaceship thing which comes down during his solo spot with all the flashing lights and..." (that's quite enought about lighting. Ed)
42 Stage rigger, who helps to set up the 6000 square feet of stage (all carpetted)
43 Sylvia Reed, assistant to the tour manager, Gerry Stickells. She is really a personal secretary.
44. James "Trip" Khalaf, chief sound enginer: "I mix the live sound for Queen, and I'm in overall charge for the half a million watts of PA (ie sound system. pa means Public adress) that we're carting around.
45. Lord Frederick Lucan of Mercury. You know him. Freddie.
46. "Phoebe", one of Freddie's personal assistants. These people help to arrange Sir Frederick's day, making sure he gets to appointments on time, and taking care of all those little details, which keep him happy.
47. A rigger
48. Lyndsey Beckingham, caterer. One of a team of five who feed the crew and the group. The caterers have their own van to transport all the food, cookers and fridges necessary to feed up to 60 people three times a day.
49 Bill Louthe, sound monitor. One of the assistants to the chief sound engineer, who sets up the massive sound system making sure it works perfectly, and run around while Queen are on stage, putting things right ( like tangled wiring) and making sure that there are no problems which could cause any deterioration of the sound quality.
50. Dave Mills, head of backstage and front of stage security. "My job is to stop any skirmishes or fights by pulling people out, people who faint, and putting in the hands of the first aid people. Earlier on this tour, in Dublin, I pulled out a young man whose ear was barely hanging on by a thread, probably because some idiot threw a glass."
51 Gerry Stickells, tout manager. The most important poeple on the tour. He looks after the road crew, from the lighting team to caterers; hiring them, making sure that they're paid and that everyone's alright. (he even remembers every crew member's birthday, making a fuss of them so they get too miserable). The other important thing he does is to go out months before the tour to look at the planned concert sites and to make all the thousands of arrangements that need to be made in advance. He's been working with acts like Rod Steward and Elton John and has organised Queen's road tour for 11 years. "They have to be highly-strung crazy people, they have to in order to ware themselves up to perform. So I admire them, yes. But I wouldn't want to socialise with them. Soon as this tour is over I'll go home and watch television."
52 Mike Weisman, production and stage manager. "I'm in charge of seeing that the stage and scenery is all but together properly. We work all day to get everything right. I have to coordinate all the work of the riggers and carpenters."
#brian may#freddie mercury#queen#queen band#bohemian rhapsody#roger taylor#rogerina#freddie#john deacon#disco deacy#john deacy#deaky#disco deaky
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Anonymous9837 Not seeing new messages? Click here to correct.
Anonymous9837:
22:17
While an IMALIVE Volunteer is joining this chat, please take a moment to read this disclaimer. If your chat disconnects unexpectedly, it may be caused by wifi network connection issues, so please log back in and start a new chat. IMALIVE chat is for those who are thinking about suicide or are in distress. If you are having trouble seeing new messages or typing, please select - Click here to refresh - on top of the chat window. If you or someone you know is currently in the state of medical emergency, please dial 911 or your local emergency number for an ambulance. The volunteer will not be able to locate you without your help. If you wish to speak to someone on the phone right now, you can also call 1-800-SUICIDE(784-2433) or visit befrienders.org to find your local hotline. Please stay online while the next available volunteer is connecting to the chat....
Alex:
22:18
IMALIVE Volunteer joined the chat.
Alex:
22:18
Hi, my name is Alex. May I ask your name?
Anonymous9837:
22:18
Hey there. I guess Elise, that's my real name.
Anonymous9837:
22:18
I don't know, I feel silly doing this at all. I guess first, how are you?
Alex:
22:19
It sounds like you're worried about being judged
Anonymous9837:
22:19
Well, I'm mostly worried about being whiny, honestly.
Anonymous9837:
22:19
Like... I don't know, I'm not in an immediate place where I'm going to hurt myself, honestly
Alex:
22:19
Why don't we start with what brought you here today
Anonymous9837:
22:20
I just know if I don't talk about it or at least let someone know I'm having bad thoughts that it'll swell into a pretty crappy place later.
Anonymous9837:
22:20
Well, I guess just... My life's in a real weird place. I'm on medication but I've been off it for a few days, back on it again. I've been in therapy for close to a year but my life just seems to be getting worse.
Anonymous9837:
22:20
I think I need to get a new therapist or something, or at least talk to her about improving our sessions. But it's tough.
Anonymous9837:
22:21
I also know that we're at a place where it's like... There's not too much more she can do for me in a lot of ways.
Anonymous9837:
22:21
And I guess that's scary.
Alex:
22:22
It can be very discouraging when you feel the help you're getting isn't helping. It sounds like this is adding extra stress to your life at a very bad time
Anonymous9837:
22:23
I wish I had something that was more unknown to me or had some big revelation about why I'm all dysfunctional, but. I don't. I feel like a car that's been taken apart and clearly you can see things aren't working right, but somehow you can't get the pieces to fit back together right. There's not much more to do than just trash it, you know?
Anonymous9837:
22:23
And yeah, it's demotivating. It took me a long time to go to therapy again, I mean I went through a bunch of therapy as a kid and none of it was too much help. I took a chance with it again recently and it's just been...
Anonymous9837:
22:24
I guess a lot of it has been useful, at the very least I can say I'm working on it, but I just want to be... Not even "fine", but just better.
Anonymous9837:
22:25
It's hard to imagine a year ago that I was nearly a functioning person, but. I guess it's a real shaky support that keeps that facade going, things were clearly going wrong.
Anonymous9837:
22:25
Sorry, I feel weird not asking again, how are you?
Alex:
22:26
No need to feel weird. We are here to work with you and focus on how you are doing
Anonymous9837:
22:26
Well, thank you.
Anonymous9837:
22:27
I'm in my late twenties and live with my mom and brother... Our house isn't big enough for everyone so we ended up with me in the basement, but in the last few months I finally decided I couldn't take it anymore and moved upstairs, even though that means not having a room and sleeping in the living room.
Anonymous9837:
22:29
And it's been a rough adjustment. I can't get myself to take care of my messes easily as it is, so combine having a small house where I don't have a room, things build up, people get upset. I've been out of work since last July, I had some financial fortune to get by but I fucked that up pretty badly and I'm broke again, but I just... There's no way I can hold a job. My therapist and I are working on SSI but it just... takes a while, and it makes me feel like I'm a brat.
Anonymous9837:
22:30
My mom's disabled, physically, so it's like. I feel like I'm making an excuse for myself when I should just be having a job. I've worked before for years, but I just can't. I mean I can barely keep myself showered, or bother to eat, even though I'm a fat sunnovabitch because I rarely leave my house.
Anonymous9837:
22:30
So it's just... Things get tense. I don't want to be a burden on anyone.
Anonymous9837:
22:31
The answer seems to be that it'd be easiest if I weren't here, but aside from it being a scary idea, I know that'd be a lot of shit my family would have to go through.
Anonymous9837:
22:31
But I still think about it a lot, and it's upsetting.
Anonymous9837:
22:32
I just want to be left alone, honestly. I feel like most of my life I haven't had any chance to just "be". I want to exist but just barely, I guess.
Anonymous9837:
22:33
I've been working on it, it doesn't look like it, but I have been. I'm just not well, physically and psychologically. Today I started an herb garden, I'm raising them from seeds, hopefully they work.
Anonymous9837:
22:34
I try to take my dog out, I got a FitBit so I can be mindful of my movement. But as soon as I do these things, people think I'm shirking important things, but... I need to do anything I can now, because otherwise I just do nothing.
Alex:
22:34
You sound very invested in your recovery. It can be tough feeling like a burden on people, but it sounds like you have a family that you care about and that cares about you. So it sounds like at some point in the past you felt you were doing better, but you now feel yourself spiraling in a downward direction. You're not sure if it's the move to a less private living situation, or the medication or if you should try seeing a new professional and it sounds like all these factors are really overwhelming you
Anonymous9837:
22:35
I fantasize about running away a lot. But I have a dog who I feel like I need to be there for even though my family would take care of her, and I have a 20 year-old cat... And I don't want to ditch him.
Anonymous9837:
22:35
Yeah, that all sounds fair. I mean, it's a long history of dysfunction, I can't even tell you my family history and growing up.
Anonymous9837:
22:36
I guess the one good thing about therapy is I'm finally so tired of mourning my past because I just can't be bothered to talk about it anymore, which is saying something, because it's been the only thing I can discuss with any passion for a while.
Anonymous9837:
22:37
But now I'm just like, "here I am," and it's crappy. Like, that's done. There's nothing I can do that I haven't already to try and compartmentalize and digest it better. But I'm still messed up and now I'm an adult and nobody can fix it for me.
Anonymous9837:
22:38
Some days I feel okay. But I just... I'm tired all the time and I don't care about anything, the only thing that I actually feel emotionally responsive to is when I'm upsetting people.
Anonymous9837:
22:39
I tried to move into my dad's a number of years ago after he told me there'd "always be a place" for me with him, and he knows things have been awful, and he's a lot to blame for it. But when I did, he suddenly didn't have room, which sucked. It kind of felt like I finally went to make a huge change in my life even though I was scared and ultimately was told, "nah." Like... Idk.
Anonymous9837:
22:39
I just keep thinking I need to get out of here, and the only feasible way I can imagine that is to not exist anymore.
Anonymous9837:
22:39
But that's a whole mess to itself.
Anonymous9837:
22:40
It's a good thing I'm anxious about what happens after you die, though. A lot of the time that's the only thing that keeps me here-- I guess that's true for a lot of people, but still.
Alex:
22:41
There really is no easy fix, which can make things seem hopeless. Elise, have you been thinking about suicide?
Anonymous9837:
22:41
Oh sure, but that's nothing new. I think about it pretty constantly, but I'm not going to enact it.
Anonymous9837:
22:42
I walked in on my mom readying to kill herself when I was thirteen and decided I didn't want to do that to anybody.
Anonymous9837:
22:42
But it's still a thought, and it's one of those things where it's just... Super depressing to realize that's what you'd kind of like to do.
Alex:
22:43
But you haven't thought about how and when you want to kill yourself and you're able to stay safe while we continue to chat?
Anonymous9837:
22:44
Yeah, I'm okay. That's why I'm talking now, so I don't have more of these thoughts later. I took an Ativan recently and I'm getting pretty calmed down in addition to that. I'm not in any danger to myself now, but. It's preventative, I guess.
Anonymous9837:
22:45
I've never really thought /how/ I'd kill myself, they all seem pretty creepy. More of what would happen after, which I guess is less dangerous.
Anonymous9837:
22:45
(my ativan is prescription, btw, I don't use it often but I do have it officially for when I need it)
Anonymous9837:
22:46
I just kind of needed someone to talk to so it didn't stay in my head and chest and get into Bad Territory.
Anonymous9837:
22:46
I just hope I'll be Okay someday. I keep thinking I'm about to get to the final corner of this maze but it just keeps goddamn turning.
Alex:
22:47
Ok. Well Elise, what else do you think would help you right now? It sounds like having someone to talk to has helped with the stress a bit
Anonymous9837:
22:47
And it's tough, too, because you can't see all the progress you've made in these situations. But that's the depression talking.
Anonymous9837:
22:47
and yeah, it has, I'm getting pretty relaxed again already, so thank you for that.
Anonymous9837:
22:48
I think I need to contact my therapist and discuss making our appointments more constructive, and contact my doctor to start finding a psychiatrist I like. My recent one retired.
Anonymous9837:
22:48
Which sucks, I really liked her.
Anonymous9837:
22:48
I need to keep on my SSI application... And just keep working through my list of to-do's, since every one of those I complete makes me feel like I'm doing a little bit better.
Anonymous9837:
22:49
I guess for right now I should get something to eat or drink and do little things, maybe just fold my clothes while I watch a movie, and probably write in my journal.
Anonymous9837:
22:50
And maybe tonight I'll go for a drive for some privacy and have a good cry-- I've been needing to do that for a while now.
Alex:
22:51
It sounds like feeling like you are making steps toward your recovery is important to you. You have a very well built plan of next steps to take.
Anonymous9837:
22:52
Thanks, I guess it's a matter of me actually doing them, haha. My mom actually is out here trying to get me to talk to her and... I think I should, I don't mean to cut off from you so quickly, but I'm calmed down and I know there are people out there in actual danger.
Alex:
22:52
Would you like someone from the IMAlive Team to follow up with you? That follow-up would be via email, a few days after this chat.
Anonymous9837:
22:53
Mm... I think I'm okay, actually-- Or, would that be just a check-in, I guess?
Anonymous9837:
22:53
Sure, you can contact me at *********@gmail.com, I guess.
Anonymous9837:
22:54
Gives me something to keep working on myself for so I can reply with positive news, haha.
Anonymous9837:
22:54
Hopefully!
Alex:
22:54
A check-in. Ok Elise a member of IMAlive will follow up with you. In the meantime, be good to yourself smiley
Anonymous9837:
22:55
Thanks so much, I really appreciate you listening to me.
🙂
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