#it's just interesting to me like wolf can't listen to his own advice

[qveenpoppy]

i rewatched the kiss from ep 12 and something i think is interesting is how the narration talks about the importance of having someone to lean on, to help "bring your walls down" and keep the "foundation" steady

but then immediately wolf's walls go back up in the next episode after learning the truth about his father

hopefully they come back down again soon so he can let josh in fully

[bonny-kookoo]

Jungkook/platonic!OT7

𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐖𝐢𝐥𝐝 [Part 4: Skies]

In which you realize that you're no longer alone.

Main tags/Warnings: Werewolf!Jungkook, Werewolf!Bangtan, strangers/enemies to lovers, romantic Jungkook x reader, Platonic bangtan x reader, eventual smut, mentions of past emotional/psychological manipulation, hurt and comfort, fluff!, some Angst, mostly fluff tho

Length: 5k words

There is no taglist for this fic.

-> Masterlist

A/N: hi I really like this fic and I refuse to let it end up in the basement

🌲── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ─🐺─ ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──🌲

You've become rather stubborn and even after consulting a specialist- you just refuse to take any of the meds despite Jungkook's clear advice to take them for now. And while he can understand you, somewhat, there are simply consequences to that choice you made.

"I'll leave your groceries in front of your door then." He says with a sigh, and you feel yourself sit straighter now at the other end of the call. "It's probably not a good idea for me to actually come inside if you're off your meds-" he begins, and you panic.

"I can just take them right now!" You hurry out, not wanting to be alone. "I can take them now, and you.. come back later? I don't know.." You mumble, and Jungkook fights a little with himself as he walks into the hallway of your apartment building to enter the elevator, finger of the hand that's holding the plastic bag pressing the right button. "I don't want to be alone.." You say, and he sighs, running a hand through his hair in front of your door.

"Listen, I know, trust me I get it." He says. "But I'm not sure what the effect of me might be on you right now." He admits. "You might feel like you want me close right now, but once I'm there that could instantly change. Those mood swings can be wild, I'm telling you!" He laughs, attempting to change your mind.

"...how do you know?" You wonder quietly, though you're not sure if you want to know the answer to that. Of course he's probably been with other wolves in the past. Pretty ones who know themselves well and are proud and all that. Maybe he's seeing someone right now. You wouldn't be surprised- he's pretty handsome and a nice guy too.. one would be stupid to pass up on an opportunity to date him. Do wolves even date? Or do they just kind of.. live in a pack?

What do wolf-relationships look like? And why do you even think about that with him? He's clearly just your friend, nothing more than that.

"My mom is an omega." Jungkook cuts through your thoughts. "And trust me, she kicks me out randomly whenever I visit unannounced just because she can't stand my alpha-smell!" He laughs, but you're quiet. Of course his parents are wolves too. Yours were one's too- but you'll never have that at all. You'll never have that kind of family that Jungkook has. And even if he was interested in you, what would his parents even think of you?

A girl that was hidden away because her own stepmother was ashamed of what she was. Who'd want that?

"Hey." Jungkook speaks through the phone, before he knocks on your door. "Let's.. maybe you can take a peak and decide if you can handle it?" He offers as a compromise, and you get up to answer the door, unsure what he's talking about since you don't feel anything at all the moment you crack the door open to look at him dressed in a leather jacket.

And then it hits you, and you know exactly what he meant- though not in the way he explained it.

You're basically salivating at the thought of having him close- and it's not at all in any sexual sense whatsoever. Just the sight of him makes you feel like you're starving, like you're gonna pass out if he's not holding you up any second now, and he visibly seems to understand as he gently pushes the door a bit further open. "You can kick me out any time." He reassures you. "Won't be mad at all, promise." Jungkook makes sure you know, and you nod, stepping back reluctantly to let him inside.

You feel like a creep. He could literally have a girlfriend and you're here acting like he's your long lost army husband coming home from war!

"I bought all that you said you needed, and some extra things, just in case." He explains as he sets the bag down in the kitchen, before he turns, probably some of his senses tingling or something as you simply nod at him, avoiding eye contact. He doesn't really elaborate on what 'just in case' means- but you're also not in the mood for any of it, body not feeling like your own at the moment. "You know, it's okay to give in." He chuckles. Considering you've not kicked him out yet, and going after your scent alone, he knows exactly what you're struggling with.

"No.. I- I don't want to overstep some boundary, you know.." You shrug to yourself. "I know.. I know I wouldn't want my boyfriend to like, cuddle with some stranger girl in her apartment and all that.." You begin, before you cringe. "Oh god I don't know why I brought that up I'm sorry-"

"It's completely fine, really." He laughs. "And understandable. Omegas tend to be pretty physical most of the time- nothing wrong with that." Jungkook explains. "And- I also don't have a girlfriend right now, so no worries there either." The wolf tells you, making you nod a bit awkwardly.

You feel nauseous even though you've actually taken at least the minimum of your medication before he came, just out of panic. It's like you're going to cry and sob and throw a tamper tantrum if he's not getting close in the next few minutes. This is stupid. How long will it take for your dumb pills to take effect and make you normal again?

What even is normal at this point?

Jungkook moves to shed his jacket, a wave of his scent hitting you so much it makes you have to adjust your position a little as to not sway and fall over, and if he noticed he chooses not to comment on it, simply leading you towards something he's already spotted.

Your couch is covered in blankets and pillows and sweaters even. You're nesting, and you probably have no idea you're even doing it.

"I have to cook though-" you weakly argue, absolutely his slave however as he sits down in the blanket mess with you, helping you to lean closer to him- and the moment you catch his scent so strong, you're a goner, all shame thrown out the window as you pretty much push him onto his back to lay on him, arms and legs around him to keep him close and immobile- but all he does is laugh a little under his breath and grab a stray blanket thrown over the back of the couch to put it over your back. He moves a bit to adjust the things underneath his head and back a bit, but he soon settles, hand on your back running up and down in a soothing motion.

It's not all that bad actually, at least not when he's around like this.

You can feel how heightened your senses are like this- from your hearing to your sense of smell and even taste, somehow the tips of your fingers feel more sensitive to touch just as much. "...will I ever get used to it?" You worry, and Jungkook nods.

"I'm sure of it." He agrees optimistically. "And I'll be there every step of the way." Jungkook promises, making you cling just a little closer to him.

And as you fall asleep, he can't help but think just how good you feel in his arms like this, safe and protected-

and most of all warm, as your scent lulls him to sleep as well.

🌲── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ─🐺─ ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──🌲

When you wake up a few hours later, it seems like you're getting a taste of what Jungkook's wolf behaviour can actually look like if he's not awake enough to really control himself like he does whenever he’s typically around you these days.

Because the moment you attempt to get up, a growl leaves him, rumbling from deep within his chest- a warning for you to stay put, as he instead moves around a bit with his arms around you, and at this point, it's his body that almost entirely covers yours, as if to hide you away beneath him. There's no sexual intentions, that much is clear- and it also, surprisingly, doesn't scare you.

Like a voice is there, deep down in the back of your brain, telling you that this isn't something to be panicking about.

But you really need to go use the bathroom, bladder screaming for you to get up and relieve yourself- so you slip out under his arms, before you rush to enter the small room, closing the door behind you. It’s odd how.. Good you feel with him in your home, like there’s nothing to worry about at all as long as he’s here. Even the thought of your potential future to come doesn’t appear as scary as it usually does.

He’d told you you’ll be part of his pack if you end up failing your evaluation. So you’ll be fine, right?

Will Namjoon even accept you? He appeared to be very friendly, so he might. But there’s always a potential that having a female in the group could prove to be too difficult to handle. Would Jungkook stay with you in that case? Or at least help you find another pack that wants you?

You’re drying your hands after washing them when you hear something fall in the living room, opening the bathroom door to take a look- when Jungkook exhales in relief at the sight of you, visibly distressed. “Something wrong?” You wonder, and he shakes his head, running a hand through his hair to sort himself.

“No- no no, just.. Some stupid instinct stuff, don’t worry about it.” He laughs off, though you can see how he fidgets around still, so you walk a little closer, unsure.

“I.. Uhm, can I help you?” You ask, and he looks up at that, a bit confused. “I mean, you look a little.. I don’t know. I feel like I should do something to help you..” You mumble, and at that, his expression softens.

“It’s called nurturing instinct.” He explains. “Common with wolves of your subgender. But uh.. Mostly towards, you know.. Young wolves or..” He fidgets around a bit again, before he plays with his lip piercing. “..or.. towards mates.” He shrugs, as if he doesn’t care- but he does a horrible job at masking his emotions.

“Oh.” You simply answer, a bit surprised. “Does one like.. Choose a mate? Or is it some sort of..” Jungkook laughs a little, walking towards the mess of blankets on the couch with you, where you instantly hide your legs beneath the soft fabrics, Jungkook doing the same before his hands reach out to help you adjust the blankets.

“It’s not some magical soulmate thing.” He chuckles. “People believe it is, but it’s not.” He shrugs. “It’s just a combination of.. Emotional connection and some instincts sprinkled in. Really not that different from regular relationships.” He explains to you, and you nod.

“So because I like you, I want to.. Take care of you?” You wonder, and he nods, before his head snaps towards you, as if he just realized what you said. “What?”

“Nothing!” He barks out almost, looking away. “Just uh.. I like you too. So, that’s why I got.. Kind of clingy earlier when we were asleep.” He mumbles.

“Oh. It didn’t actually bother me at all.” You make sure to tell him. “Just.. I needed to pee, so that’s why I kind of ran off like that.” You giggle, visibly making him relax again.

“I was about to apologize the hell out of that situation.” He laughs. “I- it’s something my pack is a bit worried about. I’m not just a standard alpha after all, and neither are you just an omega. So they wonder if I could become a bit too much for you to handle, considering your situation.” He admits.

“Your pack cares too.” You shrug, and he nods. “I appreciate that. I.. don’t know why I’m so calm now, I think it’s probably some sort of instinct stuff since you’re here-” You say, before you get comfortable under all the blankets again. “-but I feel.. A lot more calm about all of this.”

“Yeah that might just be.. Well, me.” He laughs, watching you get comfortable next to him. “I tend to have that effect on people. Even my own pack.” Jungkook explains, settling down as well now.

There’s a bit of silence between the two of you, a moment Jungkook uses to watch you for a little bit, especially the way you seem to look at his hands with a bit of longing almost. “We should.. Practice for my evaluation.” You mumble, but he just chuckles.

“We got time.” He softly disagrees. “Right now I want to.. Figure out what kind of ‘liking’ you were talking about earlier.” He teases, leaning his head on the backrest of the couch while you whine in complaint, squirming a bit. “Come on, you can tell me! I wanna know.” Jungkook presses, and you huff.

“...it’s probably just.. Your smell or something.” You deny, but he grins impishly.

“Just told you though, it doesn’t work like that.” He laughs. “If you’re not sure yet I get it- but I’d like to know if there’s.. At least some sort of connection that you feel towards me. So I know where I’m at.” The wolf shrugs. “Or rather what I can aim at.”

“Aim?” You wonder.

“In terms of, if it’s okay for me to.. Approach you romantically.” He admits.

“Would you.. Want that?” You ask, and he nods.

“But only if you’re okay with it too.” Jungkook makes sure to let you know. “Right now, I’m not head over heels or anything like that. Just.. Interested. You seem like the kind of girl I’d be happy with.” He admits. “But if you don’t have any interest in me like that, that’s cool too. I’ll simply be your friend then.” He explains to you, and you nod.

“I.. I like you.. Like that. But I don’t want something like.. Right now.” You admit.

“Alright, fair.” He nods. “Wasn’t going to jump you right here and now anyways. Just wanted to know where you’d like to go with me.” He shrugs.

“Is it okay if we like.. Take it slow?” You ask, and he nods.

“Absolutely.” the wolf agrees, and at that, you calm down, visibly so- making him relax as well as he settles down with you, holding you close beneath the numerous blankets on the couch.

Falling asleep with you just a little longer, because you’ve got time, after all.

🌲── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ─🐺─ ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──🌲

“What’s this all about?” You ask, as the employee closes the door to the room, leaving you alone with a wolf you’re not familiar with.

Jungkook has told you he’d like to ask his pack to help prepare you for both your upcoming evaluation, and for what’s to come in general- and you agreed to let them help you, which brought you into todays situation. Min Yoongi has tagged along with Jungkook to a training center specializing in instinct control and helps young wolves practice around in a safe environment. It also offers some specific physical therapy for elderly that struggle with shifting- and you feel oddly taken care of here, everything looking very inviting, bright and clean.

“Jungkook will be watching from the outside.” Yoongi tells you, nodding towards what appears to be a mirror- but is actually a one-way window.

“Why isn’t he here?” You worry a little, sitting down in the middle of the room like the instructor had explained to you earlier. You’re wearing simple clothing- just a top, comfortable leggings, socks, no shoes. You had to take off all jewellery and accessories outside, just like the wolf sitting in front of you with a good amount of distance.

There’s no furniture inside here. The walls and the floor are padded. Insulated. Scratch-resistant, as the employee had told you with pride.

“Because this won’t be pleasant.” Yoongi says with honesty.

“What’s.. Gonna happen to me?” You ask timidly. You actualy appreciate how honest and upfront Yoongi is- he seems very rough and nonchalant, but you like that he’s not masking his words or emotions.

It’s comforting.

“It’s different for everyone.” He explains. “The only thing you need to keep in mind is that nothing is going to happen to you.” The wolf offers. “You won’t be harmed. You can’t die here. You’re safe.” He tells you, when a short tune plays, signalling an announcement.

“We’ll begin the training now. Please try and stay relaxed.” The instructor says, and you look at Yoongi uneasy, a very faint sound being emitted from a corner before it stops again.

It’s quiet between the two of you. You’re not sure what you’re training for, right now.

Suddenly, you feel weird. Your muscles ache, as if you’ve sat in an odd position all day, bones stiff as you shiver a little. You’re not cold, but your fingers still tingle as if you’ve been holding ice all day- lips becoming dry. “You can move freely, by the way.” Yoongi offers, voice a lot gentler now. “Everyone deals with this differently.”

“Deals with what differently?” You ask, adjusting your legs a little before you arch your back, unable to get rid of that odd unease you have in your limbs.

“Shifting.”

Your eyes snap towards him, and he even cracks a smile for a second, before he adjusts his own position a bit. “You won’t be actually shifting right now, don’t worry.” He reassures you. “But you will feel like it. Or at least, it’ll feel similar.” He offers.

You’re standing up now. Pacing. You can’t stand still.

Whatever it is, it’s making you feel like your clothes are itchy, burning in every spot they touch your skin. You’re trembling too, as if you’re freezing- but you don’t feel cold at all, if anything, it’s the opposite. You run your hands through your hair. For some reason it bothers you, makes you want to pull it out from your scalp.

Tears knock at the backs of your eyes. Why do you feel like crying?

“Why- why do you not.. React at all?” You ask, trying to distract yourself. Yoongi shrugs.

“I’ve been shifting for years. I’m used to it.” He offers. “It’s not like I don’t feel it. I just handle it better.”

You take a deep breath, remembering what he’d told you. You’re fine, you’ll be okay, nothing is going to happen to you.

“Jungkook is probably just as fidgety as you right now.” The alpha chuckles.

“Why?” You wonder, walking around aimlessly before your entire situation gets worse. You don’t know this, but on the other side of the room’s one-way window, you’re very much constantly watched by both Jungkook, and trained staff to make sure you’re alright. Your vitals are being measured.

You’re safe, just like Yoongi said.

Though Jungkook still feels oddly uneasy watching you like that, the way you begin to cry from the sheer discomfort you feel, instincts so clear now as you walk towards a corner to rest your back against it, curling up on yourself with your backside against the wall. He wants to comfort you, help you feel better, but he knows it’s better like this. They won’t put you through the full course today- just a taste, to ease you into things.

You’re doing great already. He feels oddly proud almost.

Yoongi watches you from his spot, looking almost completely unfazed by it all. What he does do however is slowly approach you as you whimper to yourself, curled up into a ball as you try and fight this all on your own. Jungkook watches as the wolf in the room with you sits right in front of you, gaining your attention.

“You’re not alone.” He tells you, making you watch him while your head feels ready to burst open like a balloon. “and it would be the smartest decision to realize that now.”

“...why.” You ask, barely heard.

“Because the help you need is right in front of you.” He says, and it takes you a moment to realize what he’s saying. So, as you slowly open up a bit more, you let yourself just exist.

Jungkook is right. The only way to face this properly, is to accept it all first and foremost.

And so you let your instincts do their thing, as Yoongi seems to instantly catch onto it, opening his arms to accept you clinging to him. It’s normal omega behavior- the company and affection of packmates ease a lot of pain and anxieties, and you feel it right now, too, as you let him hold you.

It doesn’t magically make this experience easy- but it makes it definitely more manageable.

The second the training is over, you feel immediate relief- something hissing in the corners of the room, and it’s as if you can finally breathe fresh air again, throbbing head finally easing up. You basically melt into a puddle of tired muscle and he’s quick to hold you, surprisingly comforting as he watches the door open to let in Jungkook.

“Hey.” He softly tells you, and you reach out to him- though you stay close go Yoongi as well, somewhat surprised how Jungkook doesn’t seem to mind at all. Maybe because they’re friends? Maybe that’s why there’s no obvious jealousy.? “you did great.” He praises, and you lean back from Yoongi to compose yourself again, wiping your cheeks in embarrassment.

“..that was.. odd.” You mumble, and Jungkook helps you stand up again, both wolves leading you out the room to have one last checkup before you leave again. “so that’s.. somewhat what shifting will feel like?” You ask a nurse, who laughs.

“a little. It’s not quite the same- but the simulation is the best we have to prepare you for it.” She explains, while she checks your vitals. “and considering that you have a pack, you’ll do just fine. The first time is always scary.” She smiles, looking at Jungkook who happily nods, while Yoongi has his back turned towards you.

Back home, by yourself, you let the entire day run through you once more. From the feelings in the room, to the way Yoongi soothed you, up towards Jungkook driving you back home- things are so much different than what you thought wolves would live like. This feels a lot more intertwined and connected than your own family life ever did- why would your mother keep that from you?

Maybe you’ll call her, in the future. To ask her why she took care of you even if she knew what you were. To question why she would even involve herself with a child like you were if she hated wolves so much.

But not today.

And not tomorrow, either.

🌲── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ─🐺─ ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──🌲

This is embarrassing.

You can’t sleep. You keep waking up, windows open or windows closed, you feel watched, chased, never safe. And the worst is when you actually do end up asleep, you dream of Jungkook, and the pack, and then you wake up and realize you’ve barely slept half an hour even.

Your eyes sting whenever you close them. You feel drained, and it’s not even three in the morning.

Are they still awake too? Probably not. They all have their routines down, their a pack, a family, something you can only really fantasize about. What if you’ll disrupt that peace and quiet they have established for themselves? Sure, Jungkook didn’t seem to mind you clinging to Yoongi yesterday, but what about the rest of his fanily- surely this will just end in disaster.

You sit up in bed. You can’t sleep.

You turn on a documentary on your phone to watch, but it really doesn’t help much to force you into slumber- if anything, the screen just starts to give you a headache, so you stop the video after not even twenty minutes in. This is stupid. You never had issues sleeping- so why now?

You’re only taking half the dosage of your medication that you used to get. And this dose will be cut in half by the end of the month as well, to slowly prepare you for the time when you’ll be off of them entirely.

You already have pamphlets and little books about the changes to come- from your first instincts pushing through, to other.. intimate things, such as how your periods will change, and what to expect from your first heat. It’s a lot to take in, really, and while doing your research these days, you realized just how complex the world of a werewolf really is. From specialized hotels that care for lone wolves during their heats, to other programs helping single packless wolves stay healthy in mind and soul. Weekly social activities, phone counseling, personal health care just for wolves without a pack make you feel oddly comforted.

You’re not alone. That’s the slogan almost all these companies use on their ads.

Maybe you should make an appointment soon. Just to have things figured out- and so that Jungkook doesn’t feel like his pack has to take you in. Sure, You like him, and it’s clear that he likes you too, but is that enough? Can wolves from different packs even be together?

There’s so much you still need to learn. Just thinking about it makes your head spin.

Your phone vibrates with a message. You tap on it, to see the sender- Jungkook- still online.

‘Hey, just wanted to check in if you’re alright.’ Is written, and you reply.

‘Yeah, why do you ask?’ You respond with, and he instantly starts to type on the other end.

��I couldn’t sleep.’ He sends you. ‘neither could Yoongi, and then I saw you were online half an hour ago’ he continues. ‘so I figured you must be still up’

‘I can’t sleep.’ You admit, and at that, your phone vibrates with an incoming call from him.

“Why didn’t you say so?” He yawns, and you’re a bit confused. “Yoongi said you’ve been up since around one or two AM.” He chuckles.

“How does he know?” You wonder astonished, when the lower voice answers.

“I was working, and saw you online multiple times.” He chuckles. “It’s not rocket science.”

“Oh.” You mumble, realizing that it was actually pretty reasonable. He was probably texting with someone and checked up on you as well- but that doesn’t explain why Jungkook seems to know as well. “But wait, why can’t Jungkook sleep?” You ask.

“Because we’ve bonded more than you did with Yoongi.” He replies. “it’s like.. an instinct you could say. I could sense something off.” He tells you, and you just take it in. All of this is so complex and difficult to understand sometimes.

“Its most likely the stress from yesterday.” Yoongi reassures. “either that, or your instincts are pushing through. You’re an omega- they don’t do well on their own.” He bluntly states, while you hear some clicking from a computer mouse. “did you not tell her she could sleep here as well?”

“What, no I did!” Jungkook defends himself. “I think? Wait, I did tell you, right?” He asks you now, and you think for a second.

“uhm.. I don’t think so?” You answer. “but even so, I wouldn’t want to intrude-“

“Jungkook are you a whelp?” yoongi is heard scolding.

“I forgot!” He defends himself. “hey- okay so, you can really sleep here as well, it’s no bother, believe me.” Jungkook tells you now. “Namjoon was actually wondering why you aren’t here yet. His cousin is an omega too, so he knows how to handle a lot of stuff.” He explains.

“Wouldn’t it be.. awkward?” You ask, hesitating.

“Tripping in public is awkward, yet millions of people do it everyday.” Yoongi answers stoically. “if you want to stay here, stay here. If you don’t, don’t. We wouldn’t be offering it if we wouldn’t be okay with you.” Yoongi explains, and oddly enough, it helps you feel better.

“..is there anything specific I should take along with me?” You start, when Jungkook cuts you off.

“I’ll help you pack your stuff-“ he starts, when something clattering is heard. “what?”

“Jungkook you dog, it’s four in the morning!” Yoongi whines. “You’re going to wake up the whole pack!” He complains, when a door is heard opening. “see? Now Jimin is awake and that means the entire woods know about it!”

“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean!” the new voice argues, before he laughs. “I’m just curious, you’re acting like spies in here.”

“did you- Jimin, you left the door open!” Yoongi complains. “and the stupid kid left his phone here too..” he sighs, while you can’t help but laugh.

“Well, at least she’s having fun.” Jimin giggles along.

“For now. Wait until she finds out Jungkook snores in his sleep.” Yoongi teases.

“Hey, it’s not that bad!” Jungkook complains, making them laugh as their voices fade into the background, the wolf having taken back his phone after having grabbed the car keys. “I’m gonna come over now, and we can either nap first and pack later, or pack first and nap later.” He tells you.

“Its.. thank you.” You tell him.

“No problem.” He answers easily.

“you’re not alone.”

[critters-crimson-hollow]

Hey, everyone! I just wanted to share my own experience about potential plurality. It's gonna be a loooong post, sorry!!

I'm not gonna talk about my childhood, firstly because I don't remember it, and secondly because it's not that important (I just know it caused C-PTSD). But, it's important to say that I was very lonely in middle school, and so the presence of my imaginary friend started being stronger. Let me explain who this imaginary friend is:

His name is Rex, and he is a black wolf. I was obsessed with wolves for years since I was a little child, and his presence soothed me.

So, when I was 11 years old, I felt him with me. He talked to me, reassured me, and even gave me advice! Since I knew he was in my head, I imagined him beside me to make me feel less lonely. Sometimes, I felt more wolfish during the moments Rex felt I was in danger. So, my mood and behaviors changed a lot since Rex took control of my body sometimes. From a cute, shy little girl (I'm a trans guy, but I didn't know back then), I became a cold and mature person, even more so around guys.

For other children, I was a freak, and even more so since it happened that I talked out loud with him. Even when I had a friend, he was still here, and Rex didn't like this friend. He was right. Years later, I understood she used me for her own needs, and so I stopped talking to her suddenly, and she just didn't care. Rex told me not to answer her anymore, and I listened. I started having new friends in high school, and so I talked with Rex, and I asked him to leave me now because I needed to be normal, and a normal person doesn't have an imaginary friend, right? After that, I stopped hearing from him.

But, I could still feel his presence. He was here. Sometimes, I acted more coldly like him, yet I tried to hide it. But, it happened that some words left my lips, and they weren't my thoughts. Anyway, I forced myself not to see that, and I forgot about him.

Huge time skip! I am now 22 years old. I discovered I was fictionkin and therian months ago, and I have a kintype that is different from others. He transformed me each time I "kinshift," making my behavior and mind change completely. From being introverted, I became extroverted. From being interested, I became annoyed. I like philosophy and cleaning, I become bored with them and even hate them. Besides this strange kintype, I also act more childish sometimes. (These childish behaviors were always here, yet I had to grow up as they became less present outside) I don't talk, I am shy and scared easily, and I hug my plushies while watching children's movies. I can't control anything, and if I try to stop those shifts from happening, I end up having a huge headache.

And one day, I thought maybe I was plural. It's important to know that I discovered DID and OSDD when I was 19 years old and that I discovered plurality a few months ago. All the things I explained happened before I knew these terms. When I thought that maybe this kin was, in reality, a headmate, I suddenly remembered Rex. His name, his appearance, and his voice. And, I used my tarot to maybe communicate with him, and the cards I pulled were so representative, telling me that I should listen to my inner voices. And then I said his name out loud, and a huge feeling of relief and sadness invaded my heart. I wanted to cry, but it wasn't my emotions. It was Rex's. At least, this is how I understood it. 

I often "dissociated", even in high school (my mood switched so much I thought I had BPD!), and it still happens. I don't hear voices, but I do feel they want to say something. But sometimes, I'm surprised by my thoughts. Like, in a philosophy class I was enjoying, I heard, "Oh, it's so boring..." and then someone replied, "No, it's interesting." When I "dissociate", I remember everything or, if it was because of a negative trigger, my memories are blurry. When I "dissociate", it's like my vision becomes blurry and narrowed, I can't focus on anything, and after a few minutes of zoning out, I often feel different. Like I'm someone else.

This is how I feel, and this is why I think I might be plural. I'm not self-diagnosing myself. (I will wait for my appointment with the psychiatrist in February to get one.) But, for now, I can't deny that it's a huge possibility. Even if I'm not diagnosed with anything, in the end, my feelings are still valid. And as much as I am scared that I might fake it, I remember that I don't fake because faking means you know you are faking, and so I would actually be mistaken. But, with all that, can I have mistaken anything?

What makes people sure they are plural? Do they overthink as much as I do? Do I need to wait a bit more to see if I have more "strange experiences" to say I am plural? I don't think I am creating those symptoms since they have been here for years now.

Sorry for the long post, I'm not even sure if someone will read it, hehe. But if you do, thank you, and feel free to share your thoughts with me ^^

[llycaons]

I've been revisiting youtubers recently. some I like under the cut

Folding Ideas: a marvelously well-spoken social and media critic, with commentary on symbolism in film. his breakdowns of the editing failures of films such as Suicide Squad and The Snowman are entertaining and informative, and he has mini-episodes on narrative concepts like Thermian arguments (the Watsonian of Watsonian vs. Doylist explanations) and ludonarrative dissonance. politically on top of it (mostly), extremely astute, and a pleasure to listen to. See Earthsea and Adaptation Sickness, End of Evangelion and the Audience Author Membrane, The Thermian Argument, The Art of Editing and Suicide Squad, Cinematic Trainwreck – The Snowman: A Vlog, Cooking Food On The Internet For Fun And Profit, Annihilation and Decoding Metaphor

Ariel Bissett: a delightful young Canadian book reviewer takes us on her journey of renovating her old house. mostly cosmetic changes rather than structural as she's essentially self-taught, but she's a charismatic and charming host with a unique eye for style and color. her design sense matches closely with my own (we're both Monet fans), so I find her videos very soothing and satisfying to watch. I haven't seen any of her book reviews, but she seems thoughtful and passionate. I like all her house videos, but particularly the three yearly house tours so far (intro video, one year in, two years in,), Building The Perfect Guest Room, Complete Office Renovation!, Living Room Renovation To Look Like Emma's House!, Building The Perfect Reading Nook, Transforming the Smallest Room In My House With Wallpaper, and honestly all the others. it's a real pleasure to see the changes she makes over the months. I can't wait for the kitchen redo!

Accented Cinema: probably my favorite youtuber right now. he's a Chinese Canadian filmmaker with a focus on films and film-making processes, both his own and those from China (most often) and other non-American countries (occasionally). his videos have brought me to tears more than once. honestly I love too many to list all of them so I'll just list my top favorites but I highly recommend this channel. I loved Why China Cared About Kung Fu Panda, Shadow: Adapting Chinese Art, Who Killed Captain Alex: What Makes a Movie Good?, Chinese Animation: In Search of a Style (brief shot of mdzs donghua at the very end), Why Ghibli's First 3D Looks Soulless, East vs. West: Differences in Story Philosophy, Mahjong & Crazy Rich Asians, Why Are Kung Fu Movies So Patriotic, How I Made a Fake Video Essay

Local Script Man: a professional screenwriter whose advice and commentary on creating stories is really interesting and different than what you tend to see on tumblr. he tends to be kind of harsh but not in mean-spirited way, just in a way that makes it obvious that he knows what he's talking about. I like Oops No Plot, The Key to Writing Freakishly Good Dialogue, and both parts of 5 Essential Storytelling Rules I Just Made Up (part 1, part 2)

Schaffrillas Productions: a guy breaks down and ranks various animated films, often by studio. these videos are just a lot of fun. I liked his videos on the Shrek franchise (one, two, three, four, and the musical), and Raya vs. Encanto - How One Message Failed and Another Succeeded

Super Eyepatch Wolf: this man is, as we speak, convincing me to read Berserk. he has a slow, dramatic presentation of his arguments that draw you in and a great sense of humor. All of his "Why You Should Watch" videos are interesting even if you don't have any plans to watch the show he's describing, because they give an overview of the themes and strengths without spoiling it. he also presents a wealth of information on manga/anime history, and miscellaneous commentary on other media. I liked in particular The Fall of The Simpsons: How it Happened, "Non Battle" Battle Anime, What Makes A Fight Scene Interesting?, The Impact of Dragon Ball Z: The Series that Changed Everything, Why You Should Watch Yu Yu Hakusho, What Makes A Good Character Design?,

Cinema Therapy: these two guys are charming and sometimes funny. they can get annoying and their analyses tend to be very superficial, but I really like their videos tearing into bad romantic cliches. I like 10 TROPES We Hate About Rom Coms, 7 Tips from THE ADDAMS FAMILY to Keep Your Marriage Alive, TITANIC: Love Triangles and Compatibility, Therapist Reacts to THE KISSING BOOTH (Part 1, Part 2), Relationship Therapist Ranks Christmas Romances with guest Shona Kay

Sideways: a channel about music! knowing nothing about music at all, I find these videos really interesting and accessible. see Why the Music in Cats (2019) is Worse than you Thought, Why Pipe Organs Sound Scary, Decoding the Music of The Matrix, Why Avatar has the Most Ironic Soundtrack of All Time, Why the Soundtrack to Shrek is Actually Genius, Ear Training and Sight Singing: The Superpower you get from Music School, Why "Spoken Word" Makes me Nervous

Pop Culture Detective: I like this channel for the analyses of troubling tropes in media, especially the ones on misogyny. See Marvel Defenders of The Status Quo, The Ethics of Looking And The “Harmless” Peeping Tom, Born Sexy Yesterday, The Complicity of Geek Masculinity on the Big Bang Theory, Sexual Assault of Men Played for Laughs (Part one, Part two), Stranger Things, Belligerent Romance, and the Danger of Nostalgia

favorite misc videos here

[fanta-ceo]

Yeah I know (same with the SM background) I just hope like they are happy doing whatever they do even if it is updating us all the time or taking a break! KO's choreography is just something else and I'm kinda hoping that one day they do something similar to it even though I can't imagine how difficult it was lol I adore SNSD haha they were my first kpop group so naturally I love them! Hope everything is going well!! - sv

Saaaame! I just want them happy! With Taeyang, maybe I’m crazy but I feel like he tries so hard to be optimistic and happy all the time (cuz hes sunshine) I just worry he doesn’t give himself a break ;-; he can’t be happy ALL the time, you know? And omg did you see Zuho’s vlive a few days ago? Hes so cute lol I stayed up till 3 watching it. He’s just a cute person, giving everyone advice and laughing at his own jokes.

Was SNSD really your first?? What an interesting first group! Totally got into them just because Taeyeon dated Baekhyun and I was like “I need to know about the girl he loved for like six months” lmao I have a basic familiarity with them and their hits. The Boys (in English) is my personal anthem. To me it’s like wolf: so bad it’s good. Their new album was also really good! ^^ Besides Taeyeon, I love Yoona, Tiffany, and Sooyoung. But the whole group is good. Do you think there was actual beef between taeyeon and jessica bcuz idk lol also have you gotten into any of their solo stuff? Imma huge taeyeon fan (huge) but I listened to Seohyun’s a bit as well.