#it's just been difficult to process because i gained a lot of weight during quarantine and don't really get how to see myself

[chocobox]

(scanlation belongs to @/postagescanlation) this little page changed my brain a little bit i was like ohhh. i could be fat And england could find me sexy. okay

[cosmicocean32]

On Weight Loss, Emotional Eating, Change, and Me

Starting off with a bang, aren't we? I'm a pretty inexperienced blogger, but you know what I'm just going to write some stuff about a personal topic and see what happens. As the title indicates, this is some serious stuff that can be difficult to consume for some, so just a fair warning. I want to document the journey I have been on these past few months, as well as show some vulnerability. Hopefully it'll be good for me and be a good read for someone else too.

My Relationship With Food

Being cognizant about the place of food in my life isn't something I really thought about too much until recently. But whether or not it was something that was constantly on my mind, the dynamic exists. There came a point where I looked back into the past, and especially the past couple of years, and I saw a person that was using food as a means to escape negative emotions. To feel safe, to relieve anxiety, or even just out of boredom. Especially during the COVID quarantine, I became somebody who heavily relied on constant grazing to soothe myself.

The line between when I consciously realized that I had this kind of relationship with my food and when I decided to do something about it is kind of blurred, but I do know that at some point I wanted to take back control with an express desire to build a healthier relationship with food. This also came with and is partly a consequence of learning new ways to deal with my emotions and processing the reasons that led me to that state of being. Everything is a web. Helping yourself with one thing affects the entire system, I have learned.

Weight Loss. How? And why?

Ultimately, losing or gaining weight (for most people) is a quite simple thermodynamics equation. The body needs energy, and food is energy. If the body uses more than it receives, it will tap into stores to make up the difference. If it receives more than it needs, it'll store the rest for later use. That is a very simple explanation, but it is a lot more accurate than the wild complicated explanations out there that some people want to sell you (literally).

That was quite a fantastic system for when our days were comprised of finding a berry to eat and maybe getting to munch on an animal every so often. Not exactly fantastic in environments where food is available in abundance. Our bodies want us to feast always, because who knows when the next meal will be? Learning and internalizing how my body works and remembering that I really do have the same body and instincts as our hunter gatherer ancestors was something that empowered me to rationally separate out my instincts from what I actually need. Knowledge is power.

It's a case of being simple in theory and incredibly difficult in practice though. For me, it began in late July of this year. One morning, I just decided I wanted to make a change. But that change was hard, especially in those first few days. I was hungry, painfully so, and I was angry at everything. It had been a long time since my body needed to actually tap into its stores to make up the difference, and I could absolutely feel that. And although the initial hump of those first few days is usually the hardest part when implementing a change like this, it never gets easy. I work a job where I have to talk to a lot of people, be on my feet, keep up with a lot of different things. And then during the week I go to college and have to juggle tons of complex work. I am stressed out.

Nowadays, I just try to remember two things. One, its thermodynamics. Two, I'm an animal with instincts thrown into the modern world. As far as the kinds of foods I eat, I am not overly restrictive on it as long as I am meeting my number goals. You do not need to do special diets to get into a deficit. Numbers are numbers. A word of advice though. Instead of focusing on restricting what you can eat, I try focusing on adding foods to my pool that I actually like and align with my health goals. My diet is not fantastic though ;o;

So why did I even want to do this in the first place, especially during a time like this? Well, to put it simply, I have goals, and I still have the motivation to achieve them. As one could probably imagine, I put on a substantial amount of weight throughout the years and especially during the pandemic due to my historical relationship with food. In my mind, I came to a crossroads and decided to walk one path instead of the other. Ultimately, the most important factor of my decision was about my long term health, but I do have aesthetic goals that I want to achieve as well. I would be dishonest if I omitted that.

IN CONCLUSION

I hope that was an interesting read. It's a little scary to write something like this and put it out there, but that's something I want to get used to I think. If you read it, I hope you enjoyed??? I don't even know what to say is this something that can be enjoyed? :p

I'm still right in the middle of my journey, so I'm sure one day I'll come back to this post and make a sequel or whatever. Or debunk myself. Who knows at this point, anything could happen. Anyways, there's my brain dump for today. Maybe I'll make a separate post in the future with more specific things I have learned about the process. SEE YA

[pascalsky]

Pedro Pascal is flying high on The Mandalorian, but defining success by his earthly bonds

The Wonder Woman 1984 and The Mandalorian star is one of EW's Entertainers of the Year.

Human connection. It’s vital. Especially in a year like 2020. Especially for Pedro Pascal. So it’s ironic that the 45-year-old’s highest-profile success to date is working with an adorable animatronic puppet, inside a chrome helmet he famously can’t take off. "It is why I wanted to do this show. Selfishly, I knew [the Child, a.k.a. Baby Yoda] was likely to make people fall in love with the show," says Pascal of tackling the title role on The Mandalorian, the Emmy-nominated hit Star Wars series, which returned for its second season on Disney+ in October.

The Chilean-American actor has an eye for choosing projects where he’ll stand out, from popular network procedurals including The Good Wife, The Mentalist, and Law & Order to his breakout roles as the charming — and horny — Oberyn Martell on Game of Thrones and, soon after, DEA agent Javier Peña on Net­flix’s Narcos. But it’s the stoic bounty hunter safeguarding a frog-egg-eating 50-year-old toddler that’s made him a house­hold name. The new season of The Mandalorian followed Pascal’s galaxy-traveling warrior as he searched for the home of the Child, generating countless memes in the process.

Playing the Mandalorian has been one of the hardest and most unique experiences of Pascal's career to date. At this point, it's no secret that he wasn't physically under the helmet as much as he would've liked in season 1 and recorded his dialogue in post-production to match what his doubles, stunt actors Brendan Wayne and Lateef Crowder, did on set in the armor. Giving a largely vocal performance was a challenge for a physical actor like Pascal, who is almost unrecognizable when you compare his turns on The Good Wife and Game of Thrones, for example, because of how he carries himself. Yet, being on set way more in The Mandalorian season 2 didn't make his job any easier because he still had to figure how to make Mando compelling while also being as economical as possible in his physical movements and vocal performance.

"I'm not even sure if I would be able to do it if it weren't for the amount of direct experience that I've had with being on stage to understand how to posture yourself, how to physically frame yourself into something and to tell a story with a gesture, with a stance, or with very, very specific vocal intonation," says Pascal, who believes his collaborative relationship with creator Jon Favreau and executive producer Dave Filoni, a.k.a. his "Mandalorian papas," also helped him inhabit the role in season 2.

Speaking of collaboration: Working with comedian Amy Sedaris, who plays gruff Tatooine mechanic Peli Motto, was one of the highlights of The Mandalorian’s sophomore season. “I followed Amy Sedaris around like a puppy. [I was] like, ‘Hey again. I’m not leaving your side until you wrap,’ and she’s like, ‘Cool,’” Pascal says. “I love the Child — it really is adorable — and it is so fascinating to see it work, but somebody who makes you spit-laugh right into your helmet will always be my favorite thing."

Pascal longed for those kinds of interactions during quarantine, which proved difficult for the actor who was living alone in Los Angeles. But he lights up, is even giddy at times, when the conversation turns to bonding with the Community cast right before a charity table read back in May (he filled in for Walton Goggins), or FaceTiming his friends to celebrate Joe Biden and Kamala Harris' election victory on Nov. 7. "Ahhhh! Ahhhh!" Pascal exclaims, reenacting the joyous calls with buddies like Oscar Isaac that Saturday morning. "It was screaming and jumping and dancing and crying…. I very arrogantly took screenshots of everything and [shared them], like, 'I am a part of this!'”

"I'd be less nervous playing tennis in front of the Obamas than I was seeing a reunion of these people that I think are brilliant and have this incredible chemistry with each other and stepping in and having really, really, bad technology in this new space that I had moved into. I really resented having to actually participate acting-wise because there were instances where it was way too much fun to watch."

- PEDRO PASCAL ON SHOOTING THE COMMUNITY TABLE READ.

His appreciation for those around him has only grown during the pandemic. Before flying to Budapest to film The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent with Nicholas Cage, Pascal leaned on his bubble for support. Community's Gillian Jacobs, for example, hosted him for an outdoor socially distanced pizza night every Saturday in the early weeks of lockdown. (He suspects that's why he was recruited for the sitcom's table read when Goggins couldn't participate.) "The friends that got me through it are absolutely everything to me and very beautifully marked in my head. I've got old friends and new friends that literally did nothing short of parent me through the experience," says Pascal, who has "survivor's remorse" for being in Europe right now. "I feel guilty not being [in the States] with my friends through [this tumultuous time] but also grateful that, individually, I was able to gain a little bit of separation from the stress of it."

Those tight bonds helped redefine, or at least clarify, what success means to him. "I want to make sure that my relationships are right, and I want to make sure I'm nurturing meaning in a sustaining way, and that won't necessarily be related to getting good jobs and making lots of money," he says. But he'll take them — as he did for both of his 2020 projects, about which he's thrilled. And how could he not be, starring in two of the year's most feverishly anticipated properties?

Besides The Mandalorian, Pascal appears in Patty Jenkins' superhero epic Wonder Woman 1984, which has endured a Homeric journey to its release (read: several pandemic-related delays). Thankfully, the odyssey is almost over because Warner Bros. recently confirmed that it will open in both theaters and on HBO Max on Dec. 25. Pascal is stoked audiences will finally see his turn as the villainous Maxwell Lord because playing the greedy dream-seller pushed him out of his post-Game of Thrones action role comfort zone.

"With Wonder Woman, [Gal Gadot and Kristen Wiig] are doing the action, baby, and I'm doing the schm-acting!" he says, hilariously elongating that final syllable. "I am hamming it up!" (Indeed, Pascal reveals Cage inspired his performance in one particular scene.)

But Pascal felt he was up to the challenge because everything he needed was right there in the screenplay, which Jenkins co-wrote with Geoff Johns and David Callaham. "I didn't have to take something and figure out how to put more flesh onto it. I had to achieve getting into the skin of what was being presented to me," he says, contrasting the experience with playing a DEA agent for three seasons on Narcos. "For me, Colombia was almost the central character, and then I was allowed to make him depressive and to tonally interpret what the character was. And in this case [on Wonder Woman 1984], there was just so much for me to meet rather than to invent."

He continues: "That was an incredible delight and challenge because Patty Jenkins is a director who loves actors and when she sees she can ask for more, she does. And there isn't anyone better, in my experience, to give more to."

In 2021, he rejoins the good guys as an aging superhero and father in Robert Rodriguez's kid-friendly Netflix drama We Can Be Heroes. The inherent optimism of the Netflix film's title also complements Pascal's hope for the new year. Says Pascal, ”If [fear] can take a little bit of a backseat and not be the main character in everybody’s life, that would be great.”

SOURCE

[ikehorganics]

HOW TO REDUCE BINGE

EATING OVEREATING,

AND BORED EATING:

disclaimer: i am aware that binge eating is an eating disorder, but not a lot of people have access to professionals to help them, and this guide could help a number of people struggling with binge eating, it could be successful to some binge eaters but not all. i hope this assists you, and this all comes from a place of good faith not malicious intent. i am also aware that binge eating does NOT equate to bored eating or overeating.

skip the preface if you want to skip straight to the tips!

PREFACE:

I have been in quarantine for nearly nine months, and I have struggled with multiple aspects of my everyday life that have had to be changed and adapted to the new rules of society. Since the beginning, I have always preached about staying in doors, social distancing, not going out to into open places without a mask etc because this is a direct reflection of the respect you have for yourself and the people around you. In this strong belief, I found myself struggling to juggle being a first year university student, my fitness, mental health, food and constantly being bored within my house.

Food was the hardest aspect, and with being surrounded by food 24/7, weight gain was inevitable. At first, I had not realised how I ate on a regular basis, I woke up at 6am, and would be at uni between 8am and 5pm from monday to thursday, where i would usually only eat one meal and a snack between that, whether it be left overs from dinner for lunch and an apple or piece of fruit for when i feel a bit peckish, and 2litres of water. My day consisted of four lectures ranging from 1 hour to two hours and walking around a lot because I hated sitting for a long time, and occasionally doing summaries or watching netflix between lectures. And when i got home, I had dinner and would go to bed. That was my routine and it was never truly surrounded by food constantly available at my every beck and call.

During quarantine, I was filled with procrastination and demotivation to attend lectures online or read my books. And all that extra time was filled with having an efficient workout routine and eating, but then that eating turned to eating quite frequently whether i was watching television, and mainly eating for the sakes of eating and in gross portion sizes because it was now available. Let's talk about how I broke out of that cycle of over eating and bored eating:

1. PLAN YOUR DAY PRODUCTIVELY.

I needed some direction in my life, I forced myself to plan every hour of my day so I can do something productive for myself. I planned the times from when I would wake up at 8am, to the time it took to fix my bed, brush my teeth, workout, stretch, eat my meals, nap, spend time outside, spend time on social media and more. Not only did my eating habits straighten out, but I got more done with my day.

2. SET EATING TIMES.

Setting eating times was the best thing I had ever done. Breakfast was always at 12 midday, lunch at 2 pm and dinner at 6pm, but these were my eating times, especially since i was intermittent fasting. These times helped me plan my day accordingly, between eating times I would usually fill my day with studying, and doing summaries, catching up with work I had missed. This helps especially if you have a restrictive diet or fast a lot! Restricting calories and fasting for extended periods of time only adds to the urge of falling into a binge cycle because your body feels the needs to refeed!

3. LISTEN TO YOUR CRAVINGS.

Listening to your body is so important. If you want to eat pizza for lunch, don't eat a salad, eat the pizza because it will be mor satiating than that salad or pasta that you might not want as much. Because that pizza might just pop into your mind late at night and you will have a little late night feast, this applies especially if you are counting calories. Having cravings are normal, and unless you are on a no bs diet that is extreme, you shouldn't deny yourself of something that you really want for something that won't leave your soul satiated.

4. DRINK WATER DURING MEALS.

I won't say much on this, but having water before, during and after your meal is so important. It aids in better digestion and adds to the feeling of being satiated when you are done eating, plus it's an easy way to get your water in. Replace that coca cola or soft drink with water, especially if you know you don't get enough glasses of water into your day.

5. LEMON WATER.

A cup of warm water and a wedge of lemon juice squeezed into it is super refreshing, sip on it throughout the morning before breakfast, to aid in digestion. Lemon water is a thing that is constantly brought up, and shut down for being "ineffective" but it works for me, and I believe that it is a phenomena of the mind. If you believe lemon water can help, it will definitely help you because you have manifested its impact on your health. Lemon water and warm water is one of those things that 'curb' hunger, and if you are one of those people who sometime wake up hungry but can't bring yourself to eat so early because it could make you nauseous, then water lemon water in a glass is the drink for you.

6. EAT WHOLESOME AND NOURISHING FOODS.

Calories are a touchy subject, and they add up very quickly very surprisingly. A bowl of oatmeal will have a lot of volume, leave you satiated and keep you full longer than toast and nutella. No one is saying do not eat the nutella, but adapt it into a meal that will leave you full and satisfied for example, if you want something sweet, heave oatmeal with a tablespoon of peanut butter or nutella inside of your oatmeal! Eat foods that will nourish you and give you enough energy to go about your day.

7. PORTION CONTROL AND PHYSICAL FULLNESS.

Portion sizes are all up to you as an individual and how satiated a portion size leaves you. Eat portion sizes that leave you satiated, but remember that being satiated does not equal to being so physically full that you feel uncomfortable as a result of eating too much. Being satiated is very difficult because sometimes you eat food that tastes amazing, and even though you are physically full, you feel like you could eat more and that becomes problematic because you've eaten past your bodies physical limit. Eating what you are craving ( number 3 ) comes into play with this aspect, as you have to be able to know when enough is enough. If you feel as if your portion sizes are huge and want to reduce them, then reduce it gradually whether it means you want to go from eating 4 slices of pizza to 2 slices of pizza, then begin with eating 3 and a half slices or eating one less scoop of pasta than you usually eat. If you have no idea how to stop eating past your physical limit, eat until you feel like you're just about to be physically full, do this for a week, and see how you will become satiated with the portions you are eating, gradually lessen the portion sizes overtime until you are happy with the amounts you are eating! This won't happen immediately, it is a gradual process.

8. DON'T EAT TOO FAST. CHEW YOUR FOOD.

A lot of the time, we do not realise how fast we eat and how we don't thoroughly chew our food. The food isn't running away, take your time to enjoy your meal and chew it instead of swallowing after a few times of grinding your teeth. Take in the flavour of your food and really enjoy it in the moment.

9. IT IS OKAY TO FALL INTO OLD HABITS, BUT BREAK IT AS SOON AS YOU CAN.

Nothing in life happens in a linear manner, everything is gradual and has its ups, its downs, its regressions and just general moments we are not proud of. If you find yourself in a binge cycle or overeating cycle for a day or a week, it does not meal all progress is lost. It means you are human, you are not engineered to be perfect constantly. Have a mantra for yourself that you repeat to comfort yourself: “it is okay, tomorrow will be better.” or “it was just one day, i can go back to normally eating tomorrow.” or “I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, it happens to everyone.”

10. INCORPORATE HEALTHY FOOD GROUPS INTO YOUR MEALS.

Make your meals satisfying and as colourful as possible! Don’t just eat pasta or pizza, eat it with something healthy like a side salad or a side of fruits or a side of healthy carbs like roasted potatoes! Never just eat one thing especially if it doesn’t have any greens or vegetables!! It doesn’t have to even be a salad or anything fancy! It can be cut up tomatoes, or cucumbers or apples!

11. HEALTHIER ALTERNATIVES MEAN YOU CAN EAT MORE FOR LESS.

Your oven, grill or airfryer is your bestfriend. Fried food is delicious, but you feel insecure at times after eating something that was cooked in heaping amounts of oil. Remember an airfryer is just a small oven, and can do wonders too. If you want a burger and you have time, home made burgers are always amazing and tastier than their fast food counterparts! Make your burger at home so you can control what goes into it, or make your fries in the oven so you can have a much more healthy alternative for less calories, and have more of it! I’m not saying make your burger buns something like lettuce buns, but making your burger at home can significantly reduce the calories in comparison to ONE mcdonalds burger, and you can have two for less calories than once burger if you make it at home.

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Hopefully these tips can assist you day to day, and you take them into consideration and even test it out! These tips worked for me, and I know they won’t work for everyone but some of them might be helpful to you!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #354

“swimming through the void, we hear the word  /  we lose ourselves, but we find it all”

The last time you washed your hair, did you use conditioner? I never do. My hair is naturally pretty oily, and conditioner just adds oil to it. Do you prefer light or dark jeans? Dark. I never liked light-hued jeans. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. Do you have any of your exes as friends on Facebook? Yes. Who was your first love? Do you ever miss that person? My first "real" boyfriend. I always do to varying degrees. How many cars are parked at your house right now? Just one. Do you have any Italian ancestry? No. Do you prefer water to be ice cold or at room temperature? The colder, the absolute better. I can barely stomach drinking water that isn't cold, like literally. Has anyone ever told you you’re a control freak? No. Do you know anyone who has gone missing? If so, were they ever found? I don't think so, anyway. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? A certain hot sauce on the wings I used to get at Buffalo Wild Wings. It was close to the top of their little heat rating thing. It made me feel awful, and yet I enjoyed it still?? I think it was an adrenaline thing. I only get medium sauce now; I'm more interested in enjoying my food than feeling like I'm eating fire. Do you need to talk to someone? I'm ready for my therapy appointment honestly, but it's not 'til the start of June. Mom and I both don't want to go through the process of finding a new one, so I've chosen to just suck it up and wait. Is something confusing you at the moment? I'm always confused with myself and my feelings. When was the last time you had a real deep chat? Real deep, I'm sure that would've been during PHP. Who did you last see on webcam? My former group therapist. I miss him a lot and really wish he could treat me outside of the program, but he doesn't do that. :/ What’s your best friend’s pet’s name(s)? Doris, Martha, Crowley, Little Dot, Jane Marie, Buster, Beesly, Winter, and I believe only one of the fish is named: Raisha. Have you ever taken a picture while laying in the grass? No. Who’s your favorite Disney character? Dory, probably. Have you ever deliberately tried to get someone drunk? What the fuck, no. When was the last time you used a pay phone and who were you calling? I've never used one. Do you like being kissed on the neck? Whoa now buddy, we better be kind of serious by then for you to do that because it doesn't end "well" lmao. Have you ever had sex with someone you weren’t dating (but had feelings for) in the hopes that they would ask you out later? I almost deleted this question because I didn't want to answer it, but I try to leave more unique ones in, so... whatever. I haven't. But I would for "somebody." What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a good bra? Ugh, my relationship with bras is a hellish one because NONE FUCKING FIT ME CORRECTLY. Mom's tried so, so many places, so many different stores online and in-person, and even if the bra fits in the front, it won't go around my back comfortably. I guess my body is shaped weird, I don't fucking know, because I have literally ZERO bras that don't aggravate me. At some point, I'm going to some woman Mom knows who can size me properly and therefore buy some that don't piss me off. All that to say I'd actually pay more than the usual, but not a ridiculous price. Do you have any of your teachers’ personal cell phone numbers saved in your contacts list? My old Physical Science teacher, who is actually now a very close family friend and our landlord, is in my phone. Do you ever stalk peoples’ personal blogs, even if you don’t know them very well? No. What’s one thing about today’s generation that you just can’t stand? How ungrateful they can be. Be honest: how do you feel about abortion? I am pro-choice. Is there anyone you currently want to reach out to? There's a lot of people, actually. Old friends I miss. What is your favorite piece of art you own? It... sounds cocky, but it's probably the drawing I did in high school of Pyramid Head and the Halo of the Sun intertwined. I worked my fucking ass off and I'm extremely proud of it. What’s the one thing you apologized for this month? Hm. Probably just something minor, like bumping into Mom or something when passing her. My favorite color is ______? Pink, specifically pastel pink. I wish I had _____? A job. What did you buy today? Nothing. What has challenged your morals? Life, my dude. Live and learn. What made you pick up the last book you started reading? It's the sequel to the last book I read. What about your life concerns you the most? Concerns me, my physical health, especially just how weak my legs are. I'm terrified of them continuing to deteriorate. What do you find particularly offensive? Would you say you’re easy or difficult to offend? I cannot fucking stand the misuse of the word "retarded." Like just keep your damn mouth sewn shut if you have the audacity to say things like "hurr hurr this driver is retarded." ANY mental illness/condition is NOT to be mocked. Onto the next question, I'd say I'm more towards difficult to offend. It really depends on the topic. What was the last series you finished watching? Do you have any plans to begin another? I re-watched Fullmetal Alchemist w/ Sara. We're working on Avatar: The Last Airbender too, but I won't resume watching it again until we can do it together. What is one way in which you are different from a year ago? What is one way in which you are still the same? Well, I weigh a lot more. .-. I gained back almost all the weight I shed since quarantine started, and I'm forever fucking furious about it. I'm the same in most other ways. If you could learn about anything without the stress of grades or cost, what kind of classes would you take? Uhhhhh meerkat behavior? Idk. Name a song you’ve listened to today? I've got Halocene, Lauren Babic, and Violet Orlandi's cover of "Aerials" by System of a Down on loop right now. It's fucking gorgeous and so mesmerizing. When you were younger, did you have a swing set or a playhouse in your backyard? We had a small playhouse with swings and a slide. Is your mall nice? GOD no. You better accept the possibility of getting shot before you walk in there. There's nothing that cool at all there. Do you have a Sonic near you? If so, what’s your favorite drink from there? Yeah. I love the strawberry slushy, and the Reese's Blast thing if KILLER. Will you be voting in the presidential elections next time around? Yes. How do you feel about chocolate-covered strawberries? GOOD. STUFF. Did you ever stop having feelings for someone and then started having those feelings again for them? I think so. Do you hate the last guy you had a thing with? No, he's my closest guy friend. To whom did you last give the finger? Probably some idiot that ran a red light. I'm sure it happened in the car, whenever it happened What was the last musical instrument played in your presence? I've got no clue. Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream? No, I hate the texture difference. And just sprinkles in general. Honestly, have you ever crashed a party before? No. Do you know how to do the moon walk? No. Has anybody ever told you that you have a good singing voice? Yeah, but I beg to differ. Onion rings or french fries? French fries. I'm not a big fan of the other. Has anybody ever described you as a heart breaker? Nope. Has anybody ever told you that you talk too fast? When I'm excited, yes, it happens sometimes. Who is the best cook that you know? Uhhhhh idk. Which meal throughout the day do you skip the most? I don't really skip meals. What’s the largest amount that you can juggle at one time? I can’t juggle at all. What was your favorite thing to go on at the playground as a kid? Swings. I'd dash to those at recess to try to actually get one. Do you know how much you weighed at birth? How much? All I know is six pounds, no clue on the ounces. Which aspect of your daily routine takes the most time? What do you do? Sitting my ass at the computer, really... I don't exactly do much. Do you enjoy buying gifts for others, or could you do without this? It feels sucky of me considering whenever I do get someone a gift, it's because Mom is letting me use her money with me being without an income, BUT I still do LOVE the process of thinking of something meaningful for those important to me and hopefully seeing them love whatever I got them. I cannot wait until I actually can do that regularly. What is one thing you are expected to do, if anything? Take care of my pets. How do you tend to view driving? Monotonous or entertaining? I hate driving because you're in a speeding box of death, man. I do really want to start working towards my license though; I've long since reached the "enough is enough" point. But first I need new glasses so I can actually see five feet in front of me. Do you enjoy talking about music with others? Yeah! Is acting something you enjoy? No. I'm too awkward about it. When do you feel most accomplished? When I finish a big art pierce. Do you think Manwich is amazing or completely gross? I like 'em. Just messy, which I'm not a fan of. How many best friends do you have? One. Are you a smoker, drinker, pothead or none of the above? None of the above. If you have your ears pierced, when did you get them pierced? I don't remember exactly, but I was a kid. Do you own any exercise machines? No. I wish. On Facebook, do you have people listed as your siblings who aren’t really your siblings? Nah, but I used to do that. Have you ever drawn or painted a self-portrait? Painted, but only because it was a school assignment. Who was your last voicemail from? I don't get voicemails because mine isn't even set up. Have you ever been falsely accused of something serious? No. Did you ever set up a lemonade stand when you were a kid? No. When was the last time you spoke to someone in a different language? Not since I was taking a test in high school for my German course. My teacher was a Germany native, so she was a total pro and fun to learn from. Have you ever received an anonymous gift? No. Have you ever camped out somewhere for an event the next day? No. That's always sounded miserable to me. When were you the saddest in your life? 2016 was fucking miserable. Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you? I don't know if it's abusive, but it's toxic and dysfunctional as HELL. I don't know WHY she keeps going back to him, I feel awful for the woman. I'm definitely not, 'cuz I wouldn't tolerate that shit for half a second. If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? They've both moved out by now. Have you ever gotten searched by the cops? Yes, as a safety protocol with mental illness stuff. Do you like fried rice? Yes. What was the last thing you drank? Would you believe me if I told you I have water right now?

[cuntess-carmilla]

[POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING TO PEOPLE WITH EATING DISORDERS + SOME WEIGHT LOSS TALK]

I’ve been thinking today about the whole experimenting on my own body like I’m my own guinea pig (since doctors refuse to give people with EDS a second of their time) because I have a bit of a problem with compulsive eating.

I’m not gonna lie and say I don’t want to lose some of the weight I’ve gained during quarantine (9 kg), but the main reason I’m making an effort to control this, is that my compulsive eating is bad on itself regardless of whether I’m skinny or chubby. I can’t say I’m fat anyway, I just am thick (minus the ass because God hates me) and if anything, I prefer how my legs look when I have a little more weight.

Anyway, the point is I have a professionally prescribed med that’s pretty much the only thing that stops me from being a compulsive eater. It works perfectly well on that regard.

The thing is I’d been off my Crazy Person pills for about 2 months. It was unintentional at first. My sister possibly having the virus (meaning she had to isolate) and the fact my siblings and I share one bedroom, meant my sleep schedule went to shit because I can’t sleep anywhere other than my bed, and with my routine fucked, I wasn’t taking my meds since I take them in the morning.

I realized during that time that I don’t really need them that much. Of course I’m searching for a job but I’m still unemployed and I’m not studying either. I’m not in any abusive relationships, I don’t have a sexually harassing boss, I'm not being sent into meltdowns from sensory overload caused by bitches who think the world is their DJ booth, I don’t have any place to be at in time... And most importantly, this coincided with me beginning to learn how to manage my chronic illness, which is a major factor that ruined my ability to perform professionally and academically, on top of being in a lot of pain and discomfort 24/7.

I’m under very little stress at the moment if any. And nothing! I’d been without my meds for 2 months and I was completely emotionally stable without external stress. I don’t have an inherent “problem”! I simply React To Stress By Being Stressed Over Said Stress, which I think is... Normal? It’s reasonable at the very least. I just have some stronger inner reactions because I’m autistic. But if I have no reason to have an episode, I don’t have it.

I was happy I could be without my meds because sadly lamotrigine makes people’s hair fall off and I’m finally fixing that now that I know how to handle my illness. On top of that, I resent having to take any medicine because why can’t I just be “normal” instead of having to do extra shit just so I can function without wanting to die in the process? It reminds me I’m not normal.

There’s the added problem that people with EDS tend to have narrow “inner plumbing”, so I have a very teeny tiny throat and taking any pills, even small ones, is very difficult for me, at times it’s painful.

Lamotrigine tastes like absolute rotten ass and dissolves FAST. To take any pills I have to first put them on my tongue so if I don’t manage to swallow it in exactly 0.00001 seconds after putting it on my tongue (which I fail at doing fairly often) I get that sweet lamotrigine taste. I have to take TWO lamotrigine pills, to make it better.

Just in general, the more medication I have to take, the more my mornings are difficult. Sometimes I start gagging just thinking it’s time to take my meds.

Back to the pill I’m taking for my compulsive eating, it has two downsides:

I don’t know why or how, but it dehydrates me MASSIVELY.

It’s a stimulant. It triggers my mania, of the very uneasy, scattered type.

The dehydration it causes me has thrown off my control of water vs minerals intake completely. If before drinking two glasses of plain water equaled A Very Bad Time, now I find myself having to drink and drink, which I’m very averse to doing and it understandably scares me, given how I learned to associate drinking a lot of plain water with misery.

Being dehydrated, my hair is falling off AGAIN and I’m getting similar symptoms from when I was drinking too much plain water before. Which is... 8)

With the mania... Yeah, I usually welcome mania to a certain degree, but not THIS type of mania. I hate the uneasiness, the scattered thoughts, all that. So, to counter that :D I’m going back to taking my Crazy Person meds :D

And, you know, like I already said, lamotrigine makes my hair fall off MORE. :D

I’m experimenting with the doses of lamotrigine and that stimulant now. My old prescription was 200mg of lamotrigine and one full pill of the other, but I’m trying to take only 150mg of lamotrigine (since I don’t even need it that much) and half the other pill, to maybe not lose that much hair but still counter the mania effect while controlling my compulsive eating.

But like... I’m back to gambling with my fucking health lmao. I still don’t know if this formula will work as I need it to. I was so scared to try to drink more today and turns out I started to feel less dizzy and have less muscle pain, and this morning (I started drinking more last night) I woke up and had to pee but not excessively like I’d been before taking this shit, so. I guess that’s the fucking solution during the time I’ll be using that stimulant?

God, I just want to be fucking free. I can’t believe there’s people who can just wake up and not need to take a trillion precautions to Exist without their bodies torturing them. I’ve cried so many times for not being able to just wake up and be ok. I want to be free of this bullshit SO fucking badly.

[ajapablog]

Corona Chronicles I

Day two of social isolation entailed drinking copious amounts of coffee to suppress my appetite so I don’t gain tonnes of weight (very easy to do given that our pantry is overflowing), grading, doing laundry, drinking beer, making and eating pizza (I’m telling you, I am going to blow up like a balloon in the next few weeks unless I stick to one meal a day) and reading random news. I did not get any writing done. So here I am faux-writing to get rid of the guilt. I want to see if I can write a blog post every day till things get slightly more normal. 

In the News:

The man who caught the virus again:  A 40-something-year old Mr. Wang of Hubei, China who took a full month to recover from the virus was tested positive again. See: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8055857/Coronavirus-patient-recovered-disease-tests-positive-four-days-later.html

Americans try to buy-out scientific knowledge on potential vaccination against the virus:  A German company has been offered huge sums of money by the United States for breakthrough scientific knowledge on vaccination against the virus. This bothers me because this is a pandemic and scientific knowledge should be shared. Although, because I live in the US, if I get Covid 19, I might have a good shot at inoculation. I remember that in the Early Modern Period, China would hire experts and pay copious amounts of money to all kinds of Europeans for their superior cartographic skills. Things don’t seem to change much, do they? See: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/15/world/europe/cornonavirus-vaccine-us-germany.html

The virus mutates: Viruses are the worst. They map on to our genetic information and they mutate making them utterly difficult to fight. The reason they are so stubborn is because they become a part of our evolutionary journey. The ones that mutate have no cure. They have the possibility of destroying us and destroying themselves in the process, unless they jump species, which this one seems to do fairly easily. This stupid virus might outlive our entire species. Arrrgghhhh. See: https://www.todayonline.com/world/chinese-studies-link-quarantines-coronavirus-mutations-may-make-it-more-insidious

The virus stops us from going out:  JB Pritzker, the governor of Illinois ordered all bars and restaurants closed, effectively instituting a shutdown. I have mixed feelings about this: not only because I miss going out but because I think a lot of people live on tips. But on the flip side, Pritzker’s critique of the federal government was scathing. I’d take Chicago over New York, a progressive governor over a loony bin TV star turned head of state any day. See: https://chicago.cbslocal.com/2020/03/15/gov-pritzker-announces-closure-of-all-illinois-bars-and-restaurants-effective-monday-due-to-coronavirus-crisis/

Italians Sing Against Social Isolation:  I feel terribly sorry for Italians. I texted my Italian friend asking if her family is alright (she’s in France herself with her husband) but she seemed slightly annoyed that I asked. Maybe she has been getting that question a lot so I didn’t push it. She told me they are in quarantine and doing okay, I left it at that. But the most heartening news is that Italians sang from their windows to each other fighting against social death and isolation. My mom who recently discovered Bella Ciao was delighted to report that Italians ironically sang this resistance song filled with imagery of death and martyrdom in these dark hours. Speaking of which, maybe this is the time to watch Money Heist on Netflix. See: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxakLRW9oZ4

The Runaway Nagpur Bride:  Everyone has been talking about her. Apparently, a google techie and his newly wed bride (25 year old *eye roll*) went on a vacation around Europe. The guy started feeling sick. Before he even got tested, his wife ran away. She (what a fucking idiot!) took a plane, a train, a bus and an auto rickshaw and went all the way back to Agra to her parents, exposing thousands, if not millions, of Indians to the virus. The Indian health authorities had a tough time tracing everyone who could have come in contact with her. Furthermore, when her parents evaded the attempts from authorities to retrieve and test her, the district magistrate had to issue a warrant and she was finally “captured,” tested (positive) and isolated.  What a nightmare! But also as I was telling a friend: very Indian. In the small pox epidemic of 1889, Indians kept running away from hospitals where they were forced to stay in isolation. See: https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/agra/techie-had-not-tested-positive-when-his-wife-left-bengaluru-google/articleshow/74618637.cms

Love in the time of Corona:  I like the internet’s play on Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s famous novel Love in the Time of Cholera. I, unfortunately, have not read the entire book; my dad is a big Marquez fan but I don’t think I understand magic realism too well. I digress. The internet’s play on Marquez’s book is great because it reminds us that we are after all, human, all too human. I don’t think I would’ve liked to live alone during these times, I would’ve gone insane with existential dread. I might hate my roommates at the end of this but I am grateful that they exist right now. I think I feel some kind of love towards them. Death makes eros and desire for life (which i call love) all the more urgent and dire. I am scared of dying alone and unloved or dying without having loved enough.  I call my parents every morning and every night before I go to bed. I worry about my sister. I tell myself that if I emerge out of this, and the world still exists in some form that it does now, I want to have a child. I don’t have illusions or expectations of love from any man. They are nice but I probably confuse them and antagonize them. So I don’t expect them to understand the bizarre mess that I am. Ah well. I want to have a child, with or without a man, if I survive this. (I hope my parents don’t read this.) I am slightly peeved that this virus will most likely ruin my plans to go to India over the summer to do my research, work my summer job. I guess I might just have to wait till next summer to go back. 

For now, I have to go to a meeting tomorrow. I really dread getting out of this house. More updates soon. 

Bella Ciao. 

[reflections-in-tea-cups]

Shadow

tw: pet death

We lost our beautiful, lively, shy, affectionate, panther of a house cat on Monday, March 25, 2019. While I hope the details of the past month fade from my memory, I know some of you are shocked at the news and want to know what happened. This story is still too painful to retell, so I’m putting it here.

It’s a long story with a tragic end. It’s not my best writing, but editing it further is beyond me right now. 

Shadow came into our lives on Feb. 13th, 2015. We went to the animal shelter to look at a dog – instead, we came home with an eight-year-old black cat. We thought he was a gentle old man, but as soon as he stepped out of the crate we realized they had sent us home with a panther. He was thirteen pounds of pure muscle, and the first thing he did was jump up six feet to hide on the top shelf of my closet.

Despite his size and athleticism, he was incredibly gentle and shy. He hid under the bed the first two weeks that he spent with us, only coming out after lots of cajoling. Even then, he’d often stop just at the edge of the bed so we could reach in and pet him. Once he was comfortable with us, he’d throw himself at our feet for pets and scritches, rolling around so we could get at his belly. He was always deferential to our resident female cat, despite having at least three pounds on her. He was playful and sweet, jumping up walls to catch at laser lights and crawling under the covers for morning snuggles. You always knew what his favorite toy was, as he’d leave it next to (or, more commonly, in) his food dish.

I’m not sure when he stopped eating. He still cried for food every morning and night, and he still went to the bowl and began lapping it up. We noticed that there was more wet food being left over, but that happens sometimes and it usually isn’t a problem – maybe one or both cats don’t care for that flavor of wet food, or maybe they got tired of it, or maybe they’re eating less because everyone is less active in winter. They always had access to dry food, so I didn’t worry.

I was shocked when I picked him up in late February and realized I could feel his bones. He was always a healthy, muscular cat – but suddenly he felt frail and old. Concerned, I made an vet appointment; the soonest available was two weeks away. Luck was on our side, and I got a call a few days later saying they could see us March 8th.

At the vet, we found our healthy-at-thirteen-pounds boy was now under ten. Blood work showed signs of pancreatitis, dehydration, and anemia. X-rays didn’t find anything surprising, just an empty stomach. He got anti-nausea meds, pain meds, and fluids. They sent us back home with some prescription food, instructions to monitor his food and water intake, and a blood recheck appointment set up for a week later.

His appetite increased for a few days. He still wasn’t eating enough to gain any weight, but any progress was hopeful. But by Wednesday (the 13th) he was back to barely eating anything and I called and got him an appointment for the next day. The 14th was terrifying – his weight had continued to drop, and as had his red blood cell count. They recommended hospitalization for IV fluids and medication, and to monitor his eating. I cried signing the papers to leave him there for the day.

When I went to pick him up that night, they said he hadn’t really improved and they recommended overnight hospitalization. Our vet isn’t a 24 hour clinic, so that involved transferring him to a local emergency vet. The ER vet reassured us that pancreatitis is often treated by a few days of pushing fluids, so we should remain hopeful. She also offered to do an ultrasound on his abdomen, to further look for anything else that could be causing his symptoms. No one really knew why he was so anemic, but maybe the ultra sound would see if/where he was bleeding internally.

After a sleepless night, the ER vet called to tell us Shadow had done well – they’d gotten him to eat a little, and the ultra sound hadn’t found anything too alarming or conclusive. The only thing they noted was an enlarged lymph node. We were told another day of hospitalization would be ideal, but we might be able to take him home that night. It was with a much lighter heart that we brought him back to our regular vet, giving them the overnight report and excited to get our healthy boy back soon.

However, our rollercoaster took a sudden dive. The vet reported that he hadn’t eaten and had only gotten more lethargic as the day progressed. The next diagnostic step they recommended was exploratory surgery, during which they would also insert a feeding tube so we could ensure he was getting the calories he needed. At this point, they were very worried he was about to enter liver failure from starvation.

We decided to go ahead with the surgery, which was scheduled for the next morning. We took him home that night for lots of cuddles – lapped up our affection all night. He was so happy to be back in his familiar environment, and our other cat also made it clear she was thrilled he was home.

Taking him to the vet the next morning was a tense affair. After finally being home, he wanted nothing to do with his cat carrier and let us know it. Three hours later I got a call from the vet – he’d done very well in surgery and was waking up comfortably! They had a new diagnosis based on the state of his liver and gall-bladder: feline triaditis. While they did take a couple biopsies, they were pretty confident we were on the right track. They said the prognosis was good but the at-home care would be intensive; not only were we responsible for his calorie intake through the feeding tube until he began to eat again, but there were also five medications that needed to be given once or twice a day. They still hadn’t found a source for the anemia, but hoped it would recoup with everything else.

We were thrilled to bring him home and dedicated to getting him back up to health. His food was specially prepared each day and given to him 4-5 times daily. He had to be quarantined from our other cat and dog for a while, so he was confined to the spare bedroom. Within three days, he was starting to eat on his own and was feisty enough to try and escape to the rest of the apartment whenever I opened the door. His stitches were healing well, and we got a onesie for him to wear instead of the hated cone (not that he liked it much better). The vet checked in that Monday, and was almost as excited as I was to hear how well he was doing. We started letting him explore the rest of the apartment with Leira and Kenai when we were home to monitor him, so he got more stimulation and got to hang out in all his favorite spots. Everything was looking up.

Unfortunately, it didn’t last. On Friday (the 22nd) I noticed that his eating was declining. We had just gotten him up to full calories through the feeding tube, so I figured it would take a while for his appetite to surpass what we were giving him. However, his appetite didn’t pick back up, and he began showing increased signs of nausea when I fed him. He also felt unusually warm. On Monday I called the vet, and left a message asking if this was normal recovery behavior. I spent the afternoon at home with him, waiting for the vet to call. They didn’t, so I called and asked again that evening – this time someone went back to talk to the vet in person. We were advised to take him to ER.

We went back to the ER where he had been hospitalized just ten days before. After a quick physical exam (where we saw he had lost even more weight, and he was feverish), they took him back for more bloodwork. He was extraordinarily anemic – his red blood cell count had decreased by half from its previous low levels. We could take him to a clinic that could do a blood transfusion – the nearest one was an hour away by car, and he’d have to stay there for at least 24 hours to make sure his body didn’t reject the blood. And since we didn’t know what was causing the anemia, it was likely the transfusion would only buy us a little time.

The next diagnostic step would be to test a sample of his bone marrow, a process that would involve putting him under anesthesia. There were three main suspects for his anemia at this point: a virus attacking his red blood cells and/or bone marrow, an autoimmune disorder (his body attacking his red blood cells), or cancer. We were advised that was a toss of the dice whether or not it was something treatable; even if it was, it would be extremely intensive and difficult for him.

We took some time to hold him close and think about our options. His options. For the last few weeks (and the last four years) we had discussed always trying to do what was best for him. And as he fell asleep in my arms, that most difficult choice became clear.

The vet told us we could take him home overnight if we wanted, but it we weren’t going to do a transfusion we should bring him back within 24 hours to put him to sleep. I didn’t want him to go through two more car rides (his most hated activity) and what would clearly be a painful and stressful night – we decided it would be best to let him go peacefully that night. He’d had a good day cuddling on the couch with me, Leira, and Kenai (one of the rare times I actually got a picture of him and the dog together). Luis and I held him for at least an hour, telling him we loved him and soaking in his sweetness.  Finally we knew we couldn’t delay any longer. Luis held me and I held Shadow as the vet administered the anesthesia, lulling him into sleep for the last time.

Shadow was so much more than we ever could have expected. I’ll never be able to describe him adequately, or what he meant to us. We will miss him forever, and cherish the time we did get to spend with him.

[ptsfreed]

Starting over

TW: mental abuse, physical abuse, narcissistic abuse, gaslighting

For years, I’ve kept a journal or blog.  I started when I was 5 when my mom bought me my first journal (it even had a lock and key).  As I got older, I transitioned to blogs.  I tried them all, Xanga, Tumblr, Blogspot.  Writing has always been cathartic for me, a way to process and heal.  I had gradually fallen out of the habit but I know that it’s time to start up again.  Last week, I actually made a booming return to paper/pencil journaling, but let’s get real--my hand hurts.  Typing is just so much faster.  Blogging it is.

I suppose I should start out with outlining my goals for what I’m planning to achieve with my return to writing.  I want to give myself the opportunity to slow down, process my emotions and experiences, and heal.  I like having the ability to have something physical to look back on, sort of like a barometer for intangible growth.  It’s hard to measure social-emotional learning otherwise.  

Here’s what I’m currently dealing with.  I’m 31, married, with two children.  I’m a full-time work-from-home-parent.  I am a moderate/severe special ed teacher for a virtual charter school.  My husband also works from home full-time in the entertainment industry, so it’s just us versus the kids all day.  My little ones are 3 and the other is just shy of one.  My husband and I became first-time homeowners right in the midst of the pandemic.  Then he was laid off.  For seven months.  We’re both educated with experience in our field.  Overnight, we went from a six-figure household to becoming eligible for food stamps.  This year, I marveled at how easily a job loss in a two-income household could turn that very same household eligible for welfare.

Depression ran high.  The booze flowed.  My PTSD symptoms went untreated as available therapy appointments became more scarce with the entire world enduring a collective trauma together. I watched my strong husband crumble.  I saw him cry and doubt himself for the first time ever.  I watched as a dark cloud seemed to envelop our household, ridden with fear for the future, uncertainty for the present.  We became expert budgeters.  We ate all the leftovers.  We helped each other to thrive with the most limited social interaction in our lives.  With the welcoming of our son, we compromised our social-distancing for family’s sake, with the promise that everyone in our pod would commit to limiting our social diets to strictly one-another.  It was hard...we love our families, but we dearly missed our friends.  Living two hours away from family in the first place, our local friends quickly became family.  But we adjusted.  Loneliness was preferable to falling ill to Covid--or worse, dying.  

At some point during the pandemic, my mom moved in with us after leaving her abusive 30-year relationship with my father.  Except, she never really left.  She maintained contact with him.  I knew it would be difficult for her.  I expected the separation to be hard, painful, and drawn-out.  What I didn’t expect was how severely living with my mom again after seven years would impact my mental health.  I could feel my anxiety levels rising.  My resentment steadily followed.  I didn’t want things to feel this way.  I was battling toddlerhood with a strong-willed, fiery, emotional kid with a penchant for hitting and also adjusting to life as a full-time working mom of two.  I felt the emotional toll of being there for everyone, compassion fatigue, though I hated to say it.  I felt like as a doting mother, good wife, caring teacher, and compassionate daughter I needed to do it.  But the toll it was taking on my body and mental health was unmistakable.  I cried, sometimes for no reason at all.  I snapped, I felt angry at small things.  My house looked like a tornado ran through it at all times.  Finding motivation to do things was like pulling teeth.  I gained weight, I hit the bottle almost nightly, though I typically limited myself to two drinks.  I told myself I deserved it.  Lots of people share a bottle every night with their significant other.  It’s not like it was impacting my ability to perform my job or care for my children.  Deep down, I still didn’t like it.  It felt like the only way to escape from the hell of quarantine and being broke.  I just wanted to see people.  Spend without immediately regretting it.  Yet here we were.

The year has been a challenge.  Ridden with strong toddler emotions and learning to navigate parenthood while actively trying to break the cycle of spanking and yelling to discipline.  I don’t always succeed and I hate myself each time I snap.  I run to my daughter, apologize and tell her that I was feeling overwhelmed, but that wasn’t okay.  It’s never okay to spank a bottom or yell because you want compliance.  If I can’t always be the perfect parent, then I can at least be one that is apologetic and not too proud to say sorry.  I want to teach accountability and remorse for one’s own actions.  At the very least, I can instill that.  That’s the silver lining of losing your cool, I guess.  But with these apologies and accepting accountability, it’s important that I also couple these sentiments with change.  It’s important that I do this in all aspects of my life, which is what I hope to achieve with writing.  I need to hold myself accountable and be able to look back at change.  I can do this.  I have done so much.  I have survived the pandemic.  I have created a family.  I have finished a bachelor’s and a master’s degree with little financial support.  I have paid my way out of debts.  I can do this.

1.  First and foremost, the reason I started writing again in the first place, I am done with binge drinking.  I feel pangs of doubt as I write this, afraid of my own capacity for caving to cravings and peer pressure.  As I experience those pangs, I can hear a silent voice in the back of my head telling me to push forward and cast that doubt aside.  I know I can do this.  Enough is enough.  My relationship with alcohol has never been healthy.  I began my drinking career in college surrounded by friends that made me feel home.  Drinking was fun, cool, part of the experience.  Pre-gaming was encourage and expected.  If pre-gaming meant you got drunk before the party, then the goal of the party was to get even more smashed.  I carried these habits into adulthood and still carry them with me today.  My last binge was Sunday and I’m not going to torment myself by recanting how bad it was yet again.  My goal isn’t to stop drinking entirely, just to have a healthier relationship with alcohol altogether.  Binging isn’t healthy.  The person I become when I drink isn’t healthy.  I can control this.  I can do this.

2.  I want to continue my journey into healthier eating and fitness habits.  As of today, this is the longest time I’ve ever seriously stuck with a weight loss goal.  I’ve lost 6 pounds since I began with mostly just-dieting.  The fitness part has been difficult to make time for, but I’m working on it.  I know that this goal is closely tied to goal #1.  If I can get in control of my diet, I can get in control of my drinking.  I am in charge.  I can take ownership of my health.  I can do this.

3.  I want to continue learning about my PTSD, my symptoms and how they have and continue to impact my life.  I want to continue learning about establishing healthy boundaries with people I love, my mom included, unfortunately.  I want to continue learning about narcissistic abuse, substance abuse, and how these factors have contributed to who I am as well as my entire family dynamic.  Growing up hispanic, it has been incredibly difficult to establish boundaries without being labeled as “too good”, “hateful” and “too angry”.  I have been told countless times by my own mother that I’m too angry and upset at my father who physically and mentally abused me and my entire family for as long as I can remember.  My dad has cheated on my mom and rejected me for over two decades.  I am sick and tired of being told to forgive my abuser because my boundaries make others feel uncomfortable.  What has been especially hard after actively working on myself for 3+ years is having my own family tell me that perhaps therapy isn’t suiting me because it’s made me “too angry” and that I’ve “lost my lust for life”.  They want to assume that my general sense of frustration is attributed to not talking to my dad, when in reality, freeing myself from that relationship has afforded me more peace than I ever could have fathomed.  Sure, there are difficult moments, but every time I think that maybe that relationship may be worth pursuing again, I am reminded of why I have established such rock-solid boundaries in the first place.  According to others though, this makes me too hateful.  Too angry.  “You’ve punished him enough”, they say.  As if this was ever about punishment and not about protecting myself and my children from narcissistic abuse in the first place.  They say this and accuse this anger of pouring into other aspects of my life, without ever once asking what’s really going on inside.  Not once has anybody asked how parenthood is going.  How I’m coping with the pandemic and the renewed sense of cautious freedom now that I am fully vaccinated and my husband is halfway vaccinated.  Not once has anybody thought to consider that maybe I’m not super woman, that I’m just human and that I too have moments of vulnerability that I irresponsibly cope with by binge drinking.  Instead, everybody says that the best course of action is to essentially “get over” my resentment and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder brought on by the decades-long abuse I suffered at the hands of my own father.  The same hands that banged my head against a wall, beat me within an inch of my life, and then sent me to work at a cosmetics counter without a stitch of makeup and completely battered and bruised.  According to the armchair therapists in my life, it’s my job to let go of these feelings and now trust this same meth-addicted man with my children.  I need to trust in his capacity for change and honesty after 20+ years of lying and gaslighting.  I don’t want my boundaries to cost me the most important relationships in my life.  But at this point, I can’t do it anymore.  I am exhausted with explaining myself, for demanding respect and begging to have my story heard and considered.  My mom will continue to choose my dad over me.  She feels compelled to be his friend and the peacekeeper, still, even after attending therapy and working on herself.  I know that my dad is at the center of this, stirring the pot and causing a rift in my relationship with my mother because having me out of the picture will bring the two of them closer.  “See, she turned her back on you too”, I can hear him saying.  This is the loneliest I have ever felt in my life.  I have been told that by my parents my entire life that I am essentially dispensable.  “I don’t fucking need you”, my dad would say.  My mom would “intervene” by asking me what I did to make him so upset, and perhaps I should just “find somewhere else to live” if this was how I was going to act.  I hate feeling this way.  It hasn’t gotten easier as a 31 year old woman, but I can say that I am now able to see the situation much more objectively and with clarity.  This is why it’s important to keep attending therapy, working on my drinking, practicing mindfulness, and living my life with intention.  Wellness really does come full circle.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.

[hudson4him]

Today is 4/23/20. As you can tell, I am not good at journaling.  Things definitely change daily and I am shocked that the days seem to go by so quickly anymore. Before I know it, another day has passed. My fear is that once we are free to go out as much as we want again, I will look back over my days at home and say, oh I really wish I did that while I had the time.  

I have not been out of the house since 3/31, other than in my yard.  It’s not that I am fearful because I am not.  I do get concerned that when all of this is over will I be fearful, anxious, not want to leave still? I have always said, I will never ever get bored.  I can always find something to do and that is so true. I do miss the ease of being able to hop in my car and just go get whatever I may need. Now, it takes days of planning ahead.  I get all my groceries between Walmart and Aldi/ Instacart.  I have ordered from Amazon, Target, Walmart.com, Walgreens, Hallmark (for cards), Pandora ( graduation gift) and numerous people selling masks.  We even ordered new tennis shoes for my son from Reebok.  I am way overdue for a haircut and color.  That will be one of the first things I schedule when they open back up. 

It is now a state requirement to wear masks in public.  You can imagine what it’s like now trying to find them on top of everything else.  Items that are still hard to find anywhere are: toilet paper, paper towels, Lysol spray, Clorox wipes, and hand sanitizer.  I was finally able to purchase spaghetti just this past week. I am thankful we are well stocked for now with everything we could possibly want or need. 

For a while it was difficult to purchase chicken.  Our church hosted a sale with Mountaire where they offered chicken breasts for only $1 a pound.  I wanted some but I didn’t want to go there.  That morning I saw video after video of our members helping.  We had thousands of people show up.  What a blessing that was for many.  I was hoping Marty would be able to get some while working but it didn’t work out that way.  Imagine my surprise when one of our small group members sent me a text saying she was leaving some on my doorstep. I was in tears.  That day was probably the most emotional day I have had since all of this began.  Easter was also difficult.  Not spending time with my mom and the rest of our family was not something I ever expected. Our church has done a fabulous job keeping us all connected in so many ways.  It has been wonderful and I truly appreciate them because I know it is challenging and its something we have never had to do on this level before. I tear up every time I see a picture of our church.  So many things I took for granted in the past.  It hits me like a tidal wave at times.  Not only going to church but seeing my mom, going to the store, going to a restaurant, going to CBS, going to see my grandchildren, not celebrating my daughter’s birthday in person.   It all seems unreal. How can anyone come out of this unchanged?

My patience is not what it was before this.  We are made to be extremely patient right now in various things.  Waiting for news about the virus, waiting for things to open back up, waiting for shipments to arrive.  What used to take one to two days to ship now takes a week or more.  I waited almost 3 weeks for my treadmill to arrive and the customer service during the whole process was terrible.  I waited 2 weeks for 2 packages of toilet paper to arrive and it was way overpriced.  If you want anything be prepared to wait or even possibly not receive it.  Customer service is at an all time low with every single company I have dealt with.  It’s just sad and frustrating.

I am so thankful to have this treadmill finally.  I am really making an effort to watch what I eat now and exercise daily.  Taylor and I have been doing exercises together as well. I am getting my son involved also.  I have gained so much weight and I am hoping I have a few months in quarantine to lose it before I have to go out again....just kidding. 

We still fix 99% of our own meals at home.  One of the things that a lot of people are taking advantage of is buying booze to go from carryout restaurants.  I think a lot of people will miss that.  We have only eaten food from carryout a handful of times.  Our biggest expense right now is food.  We haven’t had to fill our vehicles up with gas in weeks and of course we have not spent money on entertainment or dining out like we used too. We did get our stimulus check for $2900 which I am thankful for.  Especially since I was declined for unemployment since they said I make too little of money to qualify.  Go figure.  

Above all, I am truly thankful that Marty is still working and that we are all healthy.  We are in a far better situation than a lot of people.  

Blessings. 

[whitegoldelephant-blog]

aa_2

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[josephkitchen0]

Breeding Top Dairy Sheep for America

By Alan Harman – A generations-long trek from the romantic sun-baked mountains of northern Greece to the New World has led to a pioneering American dairy sheep business that is creating a new frontier for cheese and yogurt makers.

Andy Karras, 39, can trace his ancestry back to nomadic Greek farmers who prided themselves on the quality of their Chios and East Friesian milk sheep and the iconic cheeses they produced.

Andy’s great-grandfather started the first Karras Farm in Greece in the late 1800s.

“At that time the main focus of raising sheep was to produce the highest quality line of East Friesian sheep in the world,” Andy says. “He was breeding only the very best genetically pure sheep for superior bloodline, milk production, wool, and meat.”

Three generations later this same focus on breeding the perfect East Friesian sheep bloodline made its way to the United States.

Andy Karras qualified as a veterinarian in his ancestral homeland of Greece, but now runs a South Carolina sheep breeding operation producing top quality East Friesian, Awassi and Assaf dairy sheep.

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His parents moved to the U.S. in 1962, settling in South Carolina because that’s where other family members, aunts, and uncles, had preceded them.

“My family did not bring their sheep genetics with them from Greece,” Andy says. “Our original sheep genetics were bought in 1996.”

Dairy conformation is unlike strictly meat sheep, focusing protein, energy and mineral intake towards milk output. Flexible udders of great capacity and a tight attachment are highly prized.

Start-Up Challenges There were special problems when Andy founded his farm in the humid heat of the southeastern U.S.

“When we first got the sheep, we had some losses due to the humidity,” Andy says. “Since then, we have not had any losses or conditioning impact from the heat. The sheep now are well adapted.”

Coming from a family of nomadic shepherds, the interest in sheep has always been in Andy’s blood, but it never crossed his mind to go into mainstream meat and wool production in the U.S.

“My ancestors raised their family from sheep for many, many years, with the milk and meat,” he says. “They made clothing from the sheep’s wool to clothe the family, so these animals weren’t just meat sheep breeds. Those are our roots, and it’s what kept us focused on pursuing the dairy sheep industry.”

He started his 417-acre farm from scratch.

“I do believe that when Karras Farm got started in 1996, neighbors saw it as ‘Mission Impossible,’” Andy says. “The reasons being: (1) At the time dairy sheep farming in the U.S. was rare. (2) A lot of people knew little about sheep, even the fact that there are different types—dairy, meat, wool.

“Our family’s experience is in dairy sheep and we consume the milk products in our own home. We make yogurts, cheeses, and ice cream, all with sheep’s milk that is the healthiest you can consume, has no chemicals, and is made from old family recipes.

“Dairy sheep genetics are in demand in this country and it has been profitable for our family—and that’s why we stayed in the dairy sheep industry.”

Born in Charlotte, North Carolina, Andy’s first memories of dairy sheep farming are from when he first obtained embryos of East Friesian ewes and rams.

“I was very excited about having this type of breed here in the U.S. because this was the sheep breed my family had in their country of Greece,” he says. “I felt a sense of accomplishment and was very eager with the knowledge I’d learned from my father and grandfathers, to get started in raising this beautiful breed of dairy sheep.”

Awassi sheep, an ancient Israeli breed, have large ears that help dissipate heat. They have an inherent resistance to parasites and are very hardy.

Andy says there are several hundred dairy sheep farmers in the U.S. and the number is increasing each year due to the popularity of sheep milk.

The prized Karras East Friesian dairy sheep first entered the U.S. in 1996 through Canada.

Mary and Rusty Jarvis of Groveland Farm Wisconsin partnered with Peter Welkerling, an investor from Canada, to import full-blood East Friesian embryos from Europe.

The embryos entered Canada in 1995 and were implanted in ewes and the first North American East Friesian sheep were born. The full-blood lambs were then imported into the U.S.

Andy purchased his original East Friesian stock directly from Groveland Farm and since then, using a selective breeding process has developed some of the highest quality East Friesian dairy sheep available in the U.S.

In the process, he has become a leader in dairy sheep genetics, focusing on physical characteristics, milk production, wool and overall animal health.

His purebred East Friesian ewes and rams can sell for up to $1,000 a head with an average price of about $800.

“Our genetics from Karras Farm are now in 38 different states known to us,” he says. “But I’m certain there is at least one sheep farmer in every state across North America with our sheep genetics.

“We have more than 200 clients on our mailing list who have purchased from us.”

When Karras Farm started, there was no dairy sheep farming in his region.

“We started with only our knowledge from our ancestry and practice of every-day dairy sheep farming, along with my education—I am a qualified vet in Greece and that is where I received my education.”

He obtained his degree from the Karpenisi Veterinary School in the region where his parents once lived.

Awassi sheep, being from hot, desert regions, accumulate fat in their tails for survival during dearth. The fat tail, as a meat dish, is a delicacy among people of Mideast descent.

“I feel the lack of knowledge on husbandry of the dairy sheep itself has affected the dairy sheep industry, causing the sector to slowly increase or sometimes decrease. Also, the importation of dairy sheep products such as cheeses and milk products is affecting the growth.”

There are two main groups of buyers for Andy’s sheep.

“We have a lot of customers at Karras Farm that purchase animals for homestead farms, using the dairy sheep for the milk, meat, and wool for private use by their family,” he says.

“We also have had a number of dairy companies purchasing large numbers of dairy sheep for the production of milk to make cheeses, yogurts, and ice cream.”

Karras Farm may have started out specializing in breeding the highest quality East Friesian dairy sheep in the world, but now Andy had taken the business even further, producing the first Israeli Awassi sheep in the U.S. as well as the Assaf, another Israeli breed created by crossing the Awassi with East Friesians.

Andy now has dairy sheep bloodlines originating from Australia, New Zealand, and Europe.

The process leading to his sheep giving birth to the first Awassi lambs in the U.S. took two years.

Andy spent a year in Australia searching for the best Awassi sheep dairy genetics, an odyssey that could be likened to hunting for a needle in a haystack in a country that focuses on meat genetics.

Australia was selected because its strict quarantine laws lessen the chances of foreign sheep disease being found in their sheep.

“We had to specifically find a dairy farmer that was producing dairy products,” Andy says. “Then we had to trace through the records of these particular Awassi to confirm their purity. Once we found our breeder of Awassi genetics, we had to follow all guidelines and protocols of each Department of Agriculture.”

The work paid off.

The first full-blood Awassi sheep were born in March 2012, and Andy now is in his second year with the breed. He is accepting orders for Awassis and expects the live sheep and semen will be available within two years.

“It was difficult waiting a whole year to announce the birth of Awassi sheep in the U.S,” he says. “Our Awassi USA dairy sheep program will be a welcome enhancement to the dairy sheep industry in the U.S.”

The Awassi is a fat-tail dairy sheep that is very hardy by nature, fully adapted to arid environments and widely considered the highest milk producing breed in the Middle East.

The sheep have beautiful wool coats and are known for being resistant to many diseases and parasites that can badly affect other breeds.

The first F1 Assaf was born Jan. 3, 2013 to a purebred East Friesian ewe. The sire is a full-blood Awassi ram born at Karras Farm in March 2012 via an imported embryo from Australia.

“We have noticed the F1 Assaf dairy sheep have rapid weight gain, durability, and high parasite resistance,” Andy says.

The first of his Assaf lambs—costing $2,500 apiece—went out to sheep farms across the country in May.

The USDA has set requirements for the importation of new genetics into the U.S. The country of origin of the embryos also has its own Dept. of Agriculture guidelines that have to be met.

University of Wisconsin-Madison sheep researcher Yves M. Berger (now retired) said in a report for the Spooner Agricultural Research Station that the East Friesian is considered to be the world’s best milk-producing dairy sheep.

He says it averages 2.25 lambs a litter with milk yield of 1,100 to 1,540 pounds. (500 kg to 700 kg) per lactation of 240 to 260 days, testing six to seven percent milk fat, the highest average dairy milk yield recorded for any breed of sheep.

The lactation of the average U.S. sheep breed is about 100 to 200 pounds per lactation.

“They are highly specialized animals and do poorly under extensive and large flock husbandry conditions,” Berger wrote. “An example of the dramatic effect the East Friesian milk sheep can have on breeds adapted to environments too severe for the purebred East Friesian is from the development of the composite Assaf breed in Israel from crossing East Friesian with the Awassi, a breed adapted to the arid Middle East. Lamb and milk production among yearling Assaf is double that of the Awassi.”

The F1 Assaf retains traits of the Awassi, like its large ears, but is white like the Friesian.

Karras Farm now has 63 Awassis, 92 F1 Assafs, and more than 300 East Friesians.

“We try to keep 10 to 15 rams of each breed depending on demand,” he says.

Until recently, Andy says, the U.S. dairy sheep industry was growing only slowly.

Not anymore.

“I have seen in the past few years a rapid increase in the demand and interest, both from commercial operators and homesteaders,” he says. “I feel in the next five to 10 years, the sheep industry will double due to people realizing the sheep milk is very good for their health.”

He recommends a stocking rate of five dairy sheep to the acre, but says a knowledge of the sheep helps determine the size of flock, along with the farm help available, the size of the barn and the availability of a food supply.

Regular wool and meat producers could also run a dairy flock as the milk will increase a farm’s revenue, along with the wool and meat from the dairy sheep flock.

“We don’t recommend having sheep and goats in the same living quarters,” he says, “but combining sheep milk and goat milk does make a blend of excellent artisan cheese that is very popular in Europe.”

The dairy sheep have to be milked every 12 hours and they have to be shorn once a year. The animals are easily trained in the use of a milking stall.

“We like the sheep to be heavily grazed and at times we feed a 22% protein feed,” Andy says.

The dairy build is evident in the improved Awassi.

The Karras Farm sheep average seven to eight pounds of milk a day during the prime milking season and have an average 10-month lactation period. The average ewe produces milk for about eight years. After milk production levels drop, the sheep is still good for eating.

About six pounds of sheep milk is needed to make one pound of cheese. Sheep milk is fattier than that of cow or goat milk. There’s a higher proportion of fatty, curd-producing solids in the milk and not as much is required to make the same amount of cheese.

Another benefit of sheep milk is it is naturally homogenized, meaning the fat globules are smaller and don’t separate from the less-dense, water-based components in the milk.

An Oklahoma State University report says the Awassi evolved as a nomadic sheep breed through centuries of natural and selective breeding to become the highest milk producing breed in the Middle East. The breed is calm around people, easy to work with and easily milked. When machine-milked, they can be milked in four to six minutes.

Prices for dairy sheep milking stalls start at about $1,000.

“The stalls can range up to many thousands of dollars and I have seen stalls holding up to 100 sheep,” Andy says.

U.S. sheep milk production is increasing annually to meet a demand that constantly exceeds supply.

As a result, about 53 million pounds of expensive sheep-milk-based cheese is imported annually.

The U.S. sheep milk is being used to make sought-after yogurt and milk products by people who are being told by their doctors that it is better than cow milk for health benefits.

“People are really interested in the sheep milk cheeses,” Andy says.

Also, soap made from the sheep’s milk is becoming popular.

Karras farm is not in the dairy business itself but sells live sheep, semen and embryos.

Improved Dairy Awassi sheep have higher milk yields than the old-time Awassi sheep and there is a “white” color phase that surfaces from time to time.

It has become a destination for everybody from church and school groups to curious neighbors and farmers. Many of those farmers end up buying dairy sheep, seeing an advantage in an animal that produces a new income source in addition to wool and meat.

“We are constantly researching and studying for ways to produce the highest milk producing sheep that’s hardy, parasite resistant, and that can withstand varieties of climates,” Andy says.

“On record, our highest milk yield is 4,200 lbs. from one ewe during a 10 month lactation period,” he says.

Overseas, the main countries that specialize in sheep milk are Greece, Italy, Spain, France, Russia, and Libya, where the demand is high, especially from countries around the Mediterranean.

There are hundreds of dairy sheep throughout the world; most of them being in the countries of their origin, Andy says, indicating that he has plans to introduce new breeds in the future.

Karras Farms runs courses for first-time buyers.

“We help clients get started on their farm by getting them set up for their dairy sheep before the sheep make it to their new home,” he says. “We also like to stay in contact with all of our customers to continue to help them with different things.

“We have a true passion,” Andy says.

“My dream is of operating a nationally renowned sheep farm in the U.S.”

Originally published in the July / August 2013 issue of sheep! and regularly vetted for accuracy. 

Breeding Top Dairy Sheep for America was originally posted by All About Chickens