#it's irrelevant to refer to a stranger on the Internet

[noodle-fc]

I honestly believe this is where the language is headed. There is precedent: the 2nd person pronoun "you." In Ye Olden Times, "you" was exclusively plural. "Thou" was the singular 2nd person form of address. So what happened?

Well, referring to "you" became a mark of respect, similar to the royal we. There were people one should address as plural, and others one could call "thou." But it was confusing. It was hard to tell who you could call "thou" and who you should call "you." Sound familiar?

OP's father is right. We don't need to know. "They" works for everyone. "They" is never wrong: even if the anti-wokes will object, "they" has been in singular usage for centuries already. Gendered forms of address will die out, just like the objectively more useful singular "you" did.

My elderly father started talking about how frustrating he finds “the pronouns thing” and I was like. Oh no. He had such a good stand on this, he’s been they/them-ing his cishet siblings for god’s sake! Is he regressing?? And he was talking about how difficult it is to remember, and how onerous it feels to expect strangers to keep track of it, and I’m like oh no oh no.

Then he says, “I mean, the problem isn’t the gender thing. The problem is four words: she, her, he, and him. We got rid of stewardess and turned it into flight attendant. It doesn’t matter if the flight attendant is a man or woman, so we got rid of it. We just need to get rid of those. I don’t need to know.”

“You don’t need to know… people’s gender?”

“No. I don’t care, I don’t need to know, and I don’t want to remember it.”

So we can relax. It’s just a continuation of his crusade to they/them the world. He doesn’t want to remember anyone’s gender. He’s abolishing the genders.

[clover-system]

The longest list of anti-endo sources I've ever seen

While trying to find something else using Tumblr's infamous search engine, I came across this absolute gem:

NINE SOURCES!!! That's a record!! This is incredible!

@radpocalypse, listen. I am about to tear these to shreds, but before I do, I want you to know that you have my respect for not only compiling the longest list of sources I have ever seen an anti-endo provide, and not only doing so seemingly not directly prompted, but typing out every single link by hand, on mobile, without making a single mistake. Incredible work.

And also, to be completely honest, if I had nine sources supporting a belief, I almost certainly wouldn't look into them this closely. But, hey, that's what strangers on the internet with opposing views are for.

One more thing before the debunk: Endogenic systems do not claim to have DID etc. without trauma. They just don't. Whether it could be possible is often debated as an edge case, usually just to win an argument against someone of the opposing side, but really, it's irrelevant for 99% of the community. A good chunk are questioning OSDD based on later trauma, but as far as I am aware, no one on this website is claiming a completely endogenic plural disorder.

However, I don't want to dismiss entire pages based on this alone without further commentary, and it's a fun intellectual exercise regardless. So, whenever I use green text, I'm just playing Devil's Advocate under the premise of "If I was claiming to have DID without trauma (which neither I nor anyone else afaik is), would this source actually debunk that claim?" My syster will also occasionally pop in with purple, since she was cocon while I was writing this.

My dad just walked into my room and literally said "hey how it's going". You know, like. Like that one post. Amazing.

Anyway, civility established. Now come along with me on this long long journey of ten minutes of reading. Maybe put some music on in the background, if that will help you get through it. I had Near's Theme on while writing.

Here we go.

Link 1: McLean Hospital

Ok, main thing that caught my eye was

According to a 2010 Psychiatric Times article, only 5% of people with DID exhibit obvious switching between identity “states.”

Very interesting! Even with all of the "idk who's fronting" memes, 5% is really not that high. Though maybe online spaces like these help train the ability to identify it? The reference trail leads back to a book by Kluft but I don't really feel like going through dozens of pages for this. Definitely making a note of this though; I wonder if there have been any follow-up studies on this.

Not much to say here other than that. No mention of plurality outside DID.

DID is associated with long-term exposure to trauma, often chronic traumatic experiences during early childhood.

Dissociation—or disconnection from one’s sense of self or environment—can be a response to trauma.

Dissociative identity disorder—a type of dissociative disorder—most often develops during early childhood in kids who are experiencing long-term trauma. This typically involves emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse; neglect; and highly unpredictable interactions with caregivers.

Why "associated", not "is caused by"? Why "can", not "is"? Why "most often", etc.?

Why such weak language?

Not that it couldn't be weaker.

I vaguely remember McLean getting into some hot water regarding a video they posted about DID, but didn't find anything concrete. Half-remembered anecdote aside, the author seems well-qualified.

C-tier debunk of this position. It's not nothing but it could be a lot better.

Link 2: Psych Central

It occurs in women 9 times more often than in men.

Very interesting statistic, but no citation provided.

Alters can show striking differences. For instance, one alter may speak with a different accent or have a softer way of speaking. They might have different opinions or a different gender identity, and even physical differences — like left- or right-handedness, or the need for a glasses prescription.

That's quite a stark difference here compared to the McLean article. What happened to "alters aren't that noticeable"?

But whatever, these are just interesting tidbits. None of this has anything to do with endogenic plurality. Nothing like "this is the only way to be multiple", no comment whatsoever.

DID is usually associated with adverse experiences in someone’s past and traumatic memories.

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is a mental health condition with strong links to trauma, especially trauma in childhood.

Bruh. This again?

In fact, the American Psychiatric Association reports that 90% of people with DID have a history of childhood abuse and neglect, based on research from the United States, Canada, and Europe.

Bruh. Seriously? 90%? You know what that leaves, right?

According to your own source, 10% of DID systems are endogenic.

But let's break this down. There's a big difference between the system being endogenic, and the DID being endogenic. This statistic is specifically referring to childhood trauma.

The wording's plenty vague though. This can absolutely be read as completely endogenic DID.

One review article from 2017 about the causes of DID noted that there was relatively little research on the condition to date.

The authors said researchers hadn’t yet investigated potential genetic and epigenetic factors. With epigenetic factors, the experiences and behaviors of your parents and ancestors can influence the function of the genes they pass down to you.

The authors of the review said scientists needed to do more research to investigate whether a person with DID might carry genes that can influence if they develop the condition or not.

This is particularly promising because studies have already shown that genes can influence dissociative disorders in general.

So you're telling me DID might be able to be passed down one or two generations? Wow. Again, this still has nothing to do with endogenic plurality, but I'm really glad I decided to play with this second angle, because it's so much more fun. We're certainly not at intentional self-inflicted DID here, but we are at this point a long way from certainly needing childhood trauma in all cases.

And also the reviewer is a military psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD. So uh. Not bringing our best here.

Link 3: Mayo Clinic

Gotta love an article that's nice and short. This is just a brief summary of a bunch of dissociative disorders. Again, nothing about endogenic plurality.

Starting to run out of things to say about this. This whole post could probably be a fifth the length if I didn't feel like playing on hard mode.

Formerly known as multiple personality disorder, this disorder involves "switching" to other identities. You may feel as if you have two or more people talking or living inside your head. You may feel like you're possessed by other identities.

Each identity may have a unique name, personal history and features. These identities sometimes include differences in voice, gender, mannerisms and even such physical qualities as the need for eyeglasses.

Hey, that reminds me of someone.

There also are differences in how familiar each identity is with the others. Dissociative identity disorder usually also includes bouts of amnesia and often includes times of confused wandering.

Again, McLean looking really odd with its declaration of DID's covertness against great detail like this. However, its author is so far the best qualified. This one just says "Mayo Clinic Staff". Can't even know which of them worked on this. Some of them are psychs, but if any of them specialize in dissociative disorders, it doesn't say so.

Dissociative disorders usually arise as a reaction to shocking, distressing or painful events and help push away difficult memories.

I won't bother quoting even more wishy-washy language because this post is already at an ungodly length (about 1300 words so far) and we're barely a third done. But yeah, suffice to say, no nail-in-the-coffin 100% link to trauma.

Link 4: Rethink

We are a trusted information creator and accredited by the Patient Information Forum (PIF).

Their bold, for once. That's an alarm-ringing corporate phrase if I've ever seen one. Also, first thing on the PIF's website is "balancing the risks and benefits of AI in the production of health information". So this article might've been written by GPT. Awesome. And yeah, a lot of this whole website looks to me like a bunch of interconnected pages with stupidly long articles written by stitching together LLM generations. Does pass GPT0's test though.

This one is so long. I'll take the ten minutes to read through every word, which I don't think @radpocalypse did, just to make sure there's nothing here, but one thing that does catch my eye scrolling down to near the bottom is that they misspelled their first citation.

A quick look at this Carolyn Spring shows a lot being sold and credentials nowhere in sight. Awesome.

So already I don't need to read this. The information here is not at a high level of trustworthiness. It's maybe better than nothing, but seriously, one can and should do better. But I'll read it anyway, just for bonus points. Thanks to AccelaReader for making this bearable.

Many people will experience dissociation at some point in their lives. Lots of different things can cause you to dissociate. For example, you might dissociate when you are very stressed, or after something traumatic has happened to you.

Some of the symptoms of dissociation include the following:

You may have clear multiple identities.

It‘s important to remember that you could have the symptoms of dissociation without a dissociative disorder.

So according to this, multiple identities can be caused by intense but non-traumatic stress, and might not necessarily be a disorder. So, while I admit this is a little bit of a stretch, we're four links in and this is the first mention of plurality in general, so I'll take it. One point for endogenic plurality. (And again, none of this really matters anyway because this is the worst source so far.)

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is sometimes called ‘Multiple Personality Disorder.

If you have DID you might seem to have 2 or more different identities, called ‘alternate identities.

Two missing closing quotes. Really not a good sign.

They suggest that DID is caused by experiencing severe trauma over a long time in childhood.

Aha! Finally, something concrete against endogenic DID! Too bad it's buried in the worst source yet. If we believed we had DID, we would absolutely not reconsider that based on a sketchy webpage with suboptimal syntax and no credentials.

Ugh, finally done with that one. What a slog.

Link 5: DID Research

Aha! The infamous psych student's blog! That's what Sophie said, anyway. Not taking her word for it though. Let's see what we can find here, independently.

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is the result of repeated or long-term childhood trauma

Why wasn't this first? First sentence, so crystal clear. No two ways about this, transDID destroyed right out of the gate.

DID cannot form after ages 6-9 because individuals older than these ages have an integrated self identity and history.

Why wasn't this first? It's so plain, so refreshing after four pages of strategic ambiguity. Nothing left here for green. But still no mention of non-disordered plurality.

The author is impressively credentialed but doesn't seem to specialize quite near this area. She's certainly better than most, high above any random Tumblr user talking out of their ass, but the good stuff would be to get a DID specialist to explicitly spell out that endogenic systems are not possible.

Also should make note of this big fat legal disclaimer:

While the author strives to make information on this website as complete, reliable, and accurate as possible, the author makes no claims, promises, guarantees, or warranties about the accuracy, completeness, or adequacy of the contents of this site and expressly disclaims liability for errors and omissions in the contents of this site.

If we did claim to have DID, this would rattle us a little but could ultimately be brushed aside.

Link 6: SANE

As usual, literally nothing about endogenic plurality. I'll just greenmode this.

The majority of people with DID have been through severe trauma in early childhood

And now back to our regularly scheduled nondefinitive language.

Fun fact: highlighting text on this website turns it invisible. Awesome.

A person needs to meet the following criteria to be diagnosed with DID:

- Two or more distinct identities or personality states, each with its own way of thinking and relating. - Amnesia and gaps in the recall of everyday events, personal information or traumatic events. - The experiences are not part of normal cultural or religious practice, or part of childhood imaginary play. For example, a child having an imaginary friend does not mean they have DID. - The symptoms are not because of substance abuse or other medical conditions.

Ah finally, a direct quote from the good ol' DSM. Notice the lack of a trauma requirement.

Funny enough, using only these criteria in isolation, we actually would count as having DID due to our grayout memory gaps when switching. DID is also listed in the dissociative disorders section of the DSM, not the trauma disorders section, so there is no implied criterion there either. However, there still remains the universal criterion of distress, which we do not fulfill. We are quite happy with ourselves.

DID is caused by severe childhood trauma, such as physical, verbal or sexual abuse.

Well, which is it?? Is it a majority association or a direct cause? Why the contradiction? Or is the emphasis on early childhood trauma?

Eh, whatever. Point is, green is once again shut down. But there is still no mention of endogenic plurality anywhere here!!

And no indication of who wrote this article, though the citation for direct cause is a dissociative disorder specialist. Does he actually say that in the cited paper, though?

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is multifactorial in its etiology. Whereas psychosocial etiologies of DID include developmental traumatization and sociocognitive sequelae, biological factors include trauma-generated neurobiological responses. Biologically derived traits and epigenetic mechanisms are also likely to be at play. At this point, no direct examination of genetics has occurred in DID. However, it is likely to exist, given the genetic link to dissociation in general and in relation to childhood adversity in particular.

I hope you have a dictionary on hand. That sure is a lot of big words that aren't in Firefox's built-in spellchecker. Still, after making sure I got everything, it's clearly not so cut and dry here. And we're back on the "it could be genetic" point.

Tangentially related: I do like the dismissal of the iatrogenic model on the basis of the brain scans.

Neurobiological differences have been demonstrated between dissociative identities within patients with DID and between patients with DID and controls. Given the current evidence, DID as a diagnostic entity cannot be explained as a phenomenon created by iatrogenic influences, suggestibility, malingering, or social role-taking. On the contrary, DID is an empirically robust chronic psychiatric disorder based on neurobiological, cognitive, and interpersonal non-integration as a response to unbearable stress.

Anyway, we're not even on the original page anymore, so I'll call it here. No mention of endogenic plurality, and the citation that claims to dismiss endogenic DID doesn't.

Link 7: NAMI Michigan

While the causes [of DID] are unknown

I'm tired. Aren't you tired?

Treatment for DID consists primarily of psychotherapy with hypnosis.

Yeah I'm calling BS on this one

And no citations on this entire page, nor even the author's name.

Statistics show that DID occurs in 0.01 to 1 percent of the general population.

Research has shown that the average age for the initial development of alters is 5.9 years old.

No sources listed. This is definitely the worst link. Literally on the same level as a rambling Tumblr user in terms of credibility.

Doesn't matter that it says

This disorder is believed to be triggered by physical or sexual abuse in childhood

Couldn't even get this dogshit source to be firm.

This one gets an F.

Link 8: The Psychology Practice

Got scared for a moment there that it said ai. No, that's AL, a name. Also this was written in 2022, so we're definitely safe. Can't actually find any other info on this AL character, but at least we can look up the co-author.

Hm, can't find anything on her, either. Well, at least this is a step up from the previous link. Let's see what it has to say.

According to the Dissociative Identity Research Organisation (2018), DID is formed in childhood due to repeated trauma in early childhood (before age 10) before the personality is fully integrated.

I do like that these later links are direct with this. They don't seem to have a citation for that DIRO, though. Unless...

No. Oh no.

Ok, so this one was written by a couple of clowns who definitely didn't do their homework. Cool. I'm getting tired of humoring awful sources like this, so moving on to the grand finale.

Link 9: NAMI

Wait, this is the same group behind the zero-citation article from Michigan! But that was just Michigan. Maybe the main site can do better.

Ugh, it's just another list of dissociative disorders instead of DID specifically.

The symptoms of a dissociative disorder usually first develop as a response to a traumatic event,

Aren't you tired? Aren't you tired? Aren't you tired?

Often these identities may have unique names, characteristics, mannerisms and voices.

Often? Wow. Sure is a far cry from 5%.

Dissociative disorders are managed through various therapies including: - Psychotherapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) - Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) - Medications such as antidepressants can treat symptoms of related conditions

No mention of hypnosis, allegedly the primary method of treatment?? (/sarc)

and there was no mention of plurality being exclusive to dissociative disorders

Oh, and no listed authors either.

So, after three thousand words of analysis, all we've come up with are nothing burgers, dogshit, and dogshit nothing burgers. Out of nine links, only one briefly and indirectly touched on endogenic plurality, and it was in favor. Even the argument against the traumaless DID strawman is weak at best. These sources are bad, to put it lightly.

@radpocalypse, if you're reading this, firstly, thank you for powering through your ADHD and dyslexia to read thousands of words dunking on your masterpiece. Secondly, if you have any more sources that you think are backing you, feel free to send them my way. Just uh, maybe read them more closely next time?

And that goes for everyone here. If you think you have a better source, or if I made a mistake or missed something here, I am open to correction. I am open to the idea that I'm wrong and I have some unknown trauma to work through, but I certainly won't go digging unless I have good reason to believe it's there, and I haven't seen any good reason. And if you haven't either, maybe it's time to reconsider your position.

One last thing before I go.

Have you ever actually seen a pro-endo carrd, let alone one cited in standalone? I haven't.

Here's a much longer list of much better sources than yours supporting endogenic plurality compiled by the traumagenic Guardians System. I don't expect you to read anywhere near the whole thing; just pick a few links at random. And yes, while many of them are peer-reviewed papers, some of them are Tumblr posts, but those Tumblr posts cite peer-reviewed papers, so it's all good.

Thanks for reading.

[domina-honoribila]

i dont know when i started following a transphobe who has reblogged nazi dogwhistles (scrolling through your blog, to see when i followed, i saw you rbed something referring to the (((news))), just in case that was an accident and youd prefer to delete that!) on at least one occasion but thank you for showing your ass so i could notice that you think cis is a slur (?? its a science term? i learned it in chemistry class when i was 12. 20 years ago. cmon.) and unfollow you!

advice: if you do not wish to be called a cis woman and simply a woman, then trans women should also just be called women ! the terms stem from the same place. good luck becoming a kinder and more considerate person in future !

This may be the funniest anon I've ever received. Why on earth would I care if you follow me or not, literal internet stranger?

I'm a woman and men with weird fetishes will never be women. Hope that helps.

The "cis" used in chemistry is a such a different usage as to be completely irrelevant to this conversation.

Cis is a slur. Goodbye and God be with you.

[baejax-the-great]

ao3 exists, plus it doesnt even matter what terms i search for on tumblr 100% of the time theres fanfiction. literally you can search any words on this website and some kpop guy/ reader fanfics flood the results every single fucking time. plus some of us are not here for fandoms??? your circus/clown analogy is stupid

So I'm incredibly allergic to shrimp-- to the point where if I ate a single shrimp I would die, to the point where I don't really consider shrimp food anymore--and it's the weirdest thing, yesterday i went to Target to buy hair conditioner, and they were selling shrimp. Don't they know it wasn't what I was looking for and I can't eat it anyway? Why would they do this? Totally fucked up of those shrimp catchers to try to poison me like that.

But analogies clearly aren't your thing, so let me break this down for you.

AO3 does indeed exist, but your suggestion that fanfic live there and ONLY there is akin to saying that imgur exists, so nobody should be posting images, whether they be photos or art, on any other website. Twitter exists (sort of), so really nobody should be posting shit posts or hot takes that are fewer than 140 characters or whatever.

Not everyone uses AO3. There is no law saying that if you write fanfic, you must post it on AO3 and nowhere else. There will never be a law that says that, because that's not how the internet works. Tumblr, one of the few social media sites that allows longform blogging, is in fact a great alternative to AO3 for one-shots. It's a little trickier for multi-chapter posts, but I've seen people make it work.

AO3 is not social media. People can't DM there, send asks, make friends, bump their post to the top of the feed (unless they are an asshole who is about to get blocked by half of fandom for pulling that move). Do you like social media? I mean you're here, on tumblr, bothering a total stranger, so you must see some value to it. Guess what--fanfic authors also enjoy being on social media and sharing what they've been up to, including their WIPs.

Things you aren't looking for being part of your searches is literally just life on the internet at all times forever. Earlier this month I was looking for a reference of draped fabric for drawing purposes. I googled 'chiton drawing' (chitons like the ancient Greeks used to wear), and all I got were drawings of molluscs of the genus 'chiton.' Alright, I did a google search for "toga drawing" and learned that there is an anime girl named Toga and people very much enjoy drawing her. Were the artists of the molluscs or the anime girl to blame for me having to slog through a bunch of irrelevant pictures to find one that could help me with my drawing? No. They correctly labeled what they were doing. That's just life.

Seeing fanfic in the tag doesn't harm you. At all. It doesn't matter if you find it cringe, or it's a ship you don't like, or it's xReader. For like ten seconds you looked at words you didn't particularly like, and then you moved on. How is that different from literally any other post on tumblr? I see bad takes and essays I don't care about on this site all the time. It's called scrolling. Again, this will be the case for every website on the internet forever. Are you telling me you read every tweet in your feed? Every reddit post? Sometimes you see irrelevant stuff. I guarantee some of my mutuals have already deemed this long ass post irrelevant and are scrolling on by. What makes fiction that much more abhorrent to you than the rest of the nonsense?

If you really hate seeing fanfic, tumblr has content blocking and tag blocking. You can block the phrase "x Reader." You can block the tag "fanfic." You can block all sorts of things, and if that doesn't work, you can just block the writers whose existence annoys you.

Sorry man, you personally not liking fandom and not using tumblr for it has really no bearing on what everyone else is doing. Like it or not, tumblr is a hub of fandom, and fanfic authors are going to be a part of every fandom on this green earth. Just because you came to the circus in order to admire the pretty fabric used on the tents doesn't mean the performers are in the wrong for doing their thing.

[hakusins]

Excuse me for asking, and don't think you have to answer this, but what is SCP?

Hello dear anon!! I'm more than happy to answer!! (visibly buzzing with excitement)

The explanation on Wikipedia is the best explanation for this as a whole, it states that The SCP Foundation (or rather the SCP series as a whole) is a fictional organization featuring independent stories from the SCP wiki, which you can just imagine as a wiki-based collaborative writing project.

In short: It is basically a fictional world that was created by random users on the Internet, where they will add little bits and pieces of lore as well as 'entries' which are the anomalies/characters in this situation, to flesh out the world as a whole. There's no definitive 'author' who started this project and it's treated as a really big writing project that anyone can partake in!

It's why I was so in love with the SCP project as a whole, and it's so so interesting because I don't think I've ever come across a series or a piece of work that came to life not by one singular author but multiple authors who are strangers. None of this is coordinated, there's overlaps and it's just so real and creative!!!

Anyways now that I've established where this came from and what it is, now its to at least explain a bit of the 'story' itself. In all honesty, I recommend you go to this youtube video to get a concrete understanding of the entire world as a whole:

It sometimes glosses over a few things, but it's a good introduction to the SCP series as whole, especially as someone who is a complete newbie.

Anyways if you don't have time for it, I will give the rundown that is relevant to the DOL x SCP AU, which I'm assuming is the reason why you're asking in the first place!

SCP stands for 'Safety Containment Procedures' and the SCP Foundation is a shadow organization dedicated to the containment or neutralization of anomalies. These anomalies are strange or dangerous entities, beings, people, organizations or even concepts, that threaten the fabric of our reality by existing. Thus, the SCP Foundation is dedicated to the containment of these anomalies to ensure the safety of the human race. Often times, the Foundation does things that are immoral or downright horrible, for the sake of containing these anomalies. But it is all for the greater good.

When you see SCP - XXXX (insert number here), this is the designation code for an anomaly. In official reports, anomalies are often referred to using this code. But when talking with other members of SCP personnel or fans, they call them by their nicknames. So for example;

'SCP-096 is known as 'the Shy Guy' in the SCP Foundation and it is an anomaly that is usually very docile in custody, but becomes extremely hostile when someone looks at its face or a picture of its face. The size or how clear the picture is irrelevant, because there have been reports that SCP-096 would go into his rage state even when someone views a singular pixel of his face in a photograph. Thus, SCP-096 has been classified as Euclid.'

SCPs is also the nickname that is often used to collective refer to these anomalies, even though SCP as an acronym stands for 'Safety Containment Procedure'.

SCPs are given a classification on top of a designation number, these range from Safe, Euclid and Keter or in some cases, Neutralized. KEEP IN MIND, a 'Safe' Classification does not mean an SCP is 'safe' to interact with or is a 'safe' SCP overall. These classifications refer to how easy it is for an anomaly to be contained. Most dangerous anomalies are in Keter yes, but some times the anomalies in Keter are also 'harmless' anomalies that are just hard to contain and have the greatest risk of interacting with civilian populations. Hence why they are designated as 'Keter.'

So just keep in mind = Safe (Easy to contain, don't worry abt it), Euclid (Can be contained under specific conditions, be wary), and Keter (Extremely difficult or impossible to contain). The SCP Foundation is not fond of neutralizing SCPs but they will do so if they're forced to. Neutralized (SCP is dead, does not exist anymore and thus do not pose a threat to the Foundation or anyone.)

I think that covers the basic stuff about the SCP Foundation!! If you have any further questions, anon. Please feel free to ask me again! I'm more than happy to answer any questions you may have!!

[atypical-irritant]

I think it goes without saying, but the general concept and key points surrounding syscourse are idiotic. What else is new when you're talking about internet centere discourse, I know. Still, seeing it's effects on the greater plural community really get on my nerves. That anyone takes any of it seriously when arguments commonly subsist of demonizing the opposition and seeing who can scream their point loudest. If it doesn't start that way, it eventually devolves into it when one side runs out of rebuttals.

There is, of course, the fact that when you're talking about people having to defend their very existence against a group adamant that said existence is impossible or a threat to them, things are bound to get personal. I'll admit. It's the lack of self awareness that gets under my skin, especially from those more aggressively assured in their stance.

To be more specific, self proclaimed anti-endogenic systems who go out of their way to harass and discredit endogenic systems regardless of what they say, are a stain and detriment to the plural community. Coming from a group stigmatized, demonized, and outright denied to exist by society, even in the psychology field you so often site as the proof of your point, and to turn around and do the same to another is pathetic and shameful. The lack of perspective and refusal to attempt the slightest amount of nuance or self awareness makes us all look bad.

I'm aware many involved in these arguments are minors, so of course they resort to mockery and regurgitating topic points without much forethought. We, as a community, shouldn't turn a blind eye to this and especially not encouraging it. Those more mature or experienced should be setting an example, not passively ignoring things in an attempt to not make fighting worse. There is a difference between not adding fuel to the fire and being complacent with the damage its causing.

That is not to say all tension between endogenic and traumagenic systems is unfounded or irrelevant. For example, many things written for or by endogenic systems can be actively harmful for some traumagenic systems if applied, especially things more spiritual in nature, but no issue will ever be properly addressed if everyone is too busy having to justify their existence at every turn.

Projecting and misdirecting your pain at others stunts progress. Not to mention I've sat for years watching the same stale points being parroted like some righteous mantra.

No one is "wasting resources", the internet isn't a food bank.

There is more to psychology than a perpetually outdated textbook written by humans just as susceptible to bias and prejudice as you, perhaps even more.

If someone is mistaken about or can't remember how they came to be, it's not your right to forcibly correct them. It's arrogant to assume you know a stranger better than they do, not to mention egotistical given the context.

Demanding undeniable proof of someone's existence straight to their face is still one of the most asinine things I've ever heard. I still can't believe how common that is, do you all hear yourselves?! Not to mention it's scientifically impossible to prove a negative as even the most proven theories are still theories.

That's just to name a few, but you get the point. People existing in a similar way but by different means isn't the intrusion you think it is; traumagenic systems don't own the concept of having multiple people shoved in one mind. Watching so many act like they do in the name of "scientific fact" and "fighting misinformation", as if they aren't actively doing the exact opposite, is infuriating.

It was never about what's fact from faking; you just did what humans have done for centuries. You found something different you didn't understand and wanted it gone. That we put up with this as a fact of life within social plural spaces shows we've failed as a community.

As a disclaimer: I'm only referring to posts and arguments via posts within the community tags and other publically available formats. I'm aware "argument" is a light word when things often escalate to outright death threats, organized harassment groups, and other forms of blatant intimidation. When someone has taken an argument so far as to legitimately try and silence the opposition to that degree, the actual points were abandoned and things have become personal. Here, I'm only focused on the repercussions of segregating an entire community in a way that requires divulging sensitive and private information, like a trauma history, and the hypocrisy of those most vocal.

If there is anyone reading this who doesn't agree trying to push a stranger to suicide or otherwise put them in physical danger is going too far, regardless of their stance on internet plural discourse, then what I've written was likely wasted on you anyway.

[weneverlearn]

George & Tammy & the Maggots

I'm not one to often offer up yet another internet opinion about yet another streaming series, as we have way too many of both.

I will quickly state that I thought the recent George & Tammy biopic (Showtime) was beautifully shot, wonderfully acted, and while apparently based on daughter Georgette Jones' book, The Three of Us, wisely paired the story down to the titular stars' love-ish story. The hazy cinematography, consistently vulnerable closeups, and lack of overdeveloping their pre-hookup life left it all as a narcotized dream -- not unlike how those two drifted through their beautifully damaged artistic and romantic life.

Unlike nearly every streaming series I have ever seen, I did not think George & Tammy was too long, though of course it could've used some editing here or there.

To a more pertinent point of my usual pursuits, one of the series top visual scenes was also an incredible use of a classic "Killed By Death" punk song -- something that happens numerically in the exact opposite proportion to how many goddamn streaming series are out there.

In the opening scene of the final episode, Tammy (played by Jessica Chastain) is seen running through woods and up to a stranger's house, saying something about how some men kidnapped and beat her. All the while the scuzzed-out keys, guitars, and cheekily sneer of The Maggots' 1980 SF punk classic, "Let's Get, Let's Get Tammy Wynette", chases down Tammy too.

It's the kind of jarring surprise the series definitely needed at that point (it is a mostly sad, morose tale and telling), and nearly knocked me off my couch. That, along with the generally excellent use of music all along showed this series had a stronger clue than most TV/streaming productions that still somehow rely on boomer-era hits or obvious current pop.

The story arc was at 1978, not only when Wynette was ensconced in the worst drug and husband abusive moment of her life, but also right when punk rock and a host of other modern musics were making her music irrelevant. The series did not delve into many pop cultural connections like that. Again, it was probably smart to stay in the insular worlds of the pair's personal heartbreak. But simply using The Maggots' track was a wild way to have the sonic world that was developing far past them creep into their dark bubble.

Now to my ears and assumptions, since I first heard "Let's Get, Let's Get Tammy Wynette" in the early '90s, I was a party to the era that critiqued the mid-century mores that Wynette's signature song -- the seemingly non-feminist statement, "Stand By Your Man" -- espoused. Right up to Hillary Clinton's famous 1992 supposed putdown of said song, Wynette seemed a relic, someone to be scoffed at, and The Maggots song did that most viciously, if underground.

I've always heard it as one of those proudly rude punk sentiments of the early days that aimed to severely offend, sarcastically suggesting killing the "Stand By Your Man" lady -- with a female singer no less, which gave an otherwise obscure, one-off 7" punk single more heft.

I'm old enough to remember, circa Clinton's comment, fans and industry types trying to defend Wynette and "Stand By Your Man," usually with pretty toothless justifications. To me, the song might as well have been from 100 years ago, and Clinton's comment was a societal no brainer. If anything, it seemed irrelevant to reference some old song; not to mention I kind of thought that taking that tune at complete face value -- when sung with such sad desperation -- seemed to be condescending to people's ability to digest the layers of an old pop song.

I never really knew much about the story of Wynette's involvement in her 1978 "kidnapping," which was later revealed as a hoax that her fifth fucking horrible husband, and songwriter of some of her biggest hits, George Richey (played creepily by Steve Zahn in the series) concocted to not only cover up having beat the hell out of her, but to then use it as hype for an upcoming tour. (Supposedly, details are still sketchy to this day, and disagreements about the story between Wynette's family and Richey remained past his death in 2010.)

The series does a good job of re-contextualizing Wynette -- historically a pop culture icon of spousal subjugation -- not only as a victim of patriarchal strictures, but as a drug addict making the usual fucked-up decisions.

In one quick small scene, as Wynette is heading through a throng of fans towards the tour bus, one female fan asks if women should really be like her songs, and always support their man, to which Wynette responds, "They're just pretty love songs, darlin', I wouldn't think about them too much." Chastain offers some brief, amazing facial expressions which show the many layers the better of all those depressing, drunken, violent, seemingly submissive country classics can contain, and that her thirst for stardom via repression has her questioning the same as that fan.

In its gauzy way, George & Tammy does make an argument for the complex, unexplainable, in-the-moment emotions of many old country songs, while not letting Wynette off for her terrible choices, of which there were just as many made as the legendarily self-immolating George Jones -- played, it must be said, incredibly by Michael Shannon who, admittedly, I'd watch read the phonebook.

Then I see this today, a comment below the above YouTube clip of "Let's Get, Let's Get Tammy Wynette":

"Found this post by one of The Maggots members: "yes the original maggots did put out an apparently highly collectable record in 1980 called "lets get, lets get, tammy wynette!!!" a song i wrote from the kidnappers point of view, after a bizarre "kidnapping" incident in the late 70s (later found to be an elaborate hoax concocted by tammy to cover up for her abusive husband kicking her ass...) no wonder she was pissed when this guy i knew asked her to sign a copy of it at an autograph session at marriots great america amusement park...she actually threw his record and started screaming, and they escorted him out, sans autograph...."

Nevertheless, be it feminist punk screed or silly playacting, whoever chose that Maggots track and got it into a major streaming series should be given an award, and should call me soon so we can collaborate on getting better songs into streaming shows. I mean how many more times do we have to hear "White Room," "I Feel Good," or "Firework"?!

[socialmediaincareerandlife]

Social Media in My Career and Social Life

When we hear the term ‘social media’, our minds often go straight to Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, and Twitter. These are the places where we socialize with the world, beyond just family and friends. Because a lot of the time, we’re engaging with complete strangers. People who, if we might have met on the bus, in line at a coffee shop or accidentally locked eyes on the streets, we might just smile at politely and continue on our way. There’s just not that much information you can learn about a person when you meet face-to-face for a few moments. But with social media, we can “meet” people without them knowing in the same amount of time! We can see who they are, their personality, what their interests are, and where they’ve been, and decide if this a relationship is worth having.

While this is slightly scary and comforting at the same time on a personal level, it is absolutely fantastic for an entrepreneur like myself! In the world we live in today, many business relationships are established and grown via social media and word of mouth. Whether I’m using Instagram or WhatsApp, I have a space where I can advertise my service to the world without it costing an arm and a leg. It is also the same exact place where people who are interested in my services can contact me. For example, I’ve had more than one interested party become a client because someone else shared my service with them on WhatsApp or Instagram.

When it comes to scoping out the competition, social media is the place to go! Everyone is putting out their businesses online for the world to see, which means I can see it as well. Based on their posts, stories, followers and content activity, I can get a pretty overview of how well their business is doing, and what tactics seem to be giving them the most success. So, this research not only gives me an idea of what I’m competing with, but also what strategies I could also implement in my own business to see the same success. It also allows me to monitor what trends are currently popular, because knowing what’s hot will give me an advantage over businesses who are working without that information (Team, 2022)

As for my social life, I make it a point to be very careful of what I post. Anything I post reflects my business and so it is crucial that I am aware and intentional about every interaction I have on social media. I do this by maintaining a very strict private account on Instagram that I use to only engage with people I know personally in real life. I do not accept random friend requests from random strangers (Oak, 2022). This allows me the comfort of posting things such family pics, reflections, and other things that are irrelevant to my business because the people I’m sharing them with are those follow me because they are interested in me for myself and not my business. Yes, this means I do not have many followers, which is often the marker of a popular person, however such things are not important to me.

As for my business’ social media, I am very strict about what I post and share, as everything should be relevant to the business and its growth. Anything that is not, I simply do not post. This allows me to keep a clean, professional face to the business, and in my field of teaching and tutoring where the moral standard is high, it is extremely harmful to neglect this part of a business maintenance. It can leave a very strong and often long-lasting negative impact on the success of any business, so the wisest thing to do is to follow the best tips that will allows my business to flourish.

References:

Oak, R. (2022, July 23). https://www.entrepreneur.com/science-technology/concerned-about-privacy-on-the-internet-heres-how-to/431536. Retrieved from Entrepreneur: https://www.entrepreneur.com/science-technology/concerned-about-privacy-on-the-internet-heres-how-to/431536

Team, i. (2022, February 10). 12 Ways Entrepreneurs Can Make the Most of Social Media. Retrieved from iED: https://ied.eu/blog/ways-entrepreneurs-can-make-the-most-of-social-media/

[keplercryptids]

stumbled across this today and i have no desire to call out the blogger by name or anything but. this is still important. screenshot and ID below.

[image description: screenshot of bulleted text that reads: stop adding unnecessary captions to my posts. no one likes it when strangers reblog posts with an added caption of zero value or substance to someone's else's post. before you make an addition to a post you reblog, please heavilly consider whether or not your addition could, instead, simply remain in the tags, or whether it even needs to be said at all. this also applies to adding image descriptions to posts that already have an id included in the alt text. despite ever so bravely refraining from adding your completely unnecessary 2 cents to someone else's post, i promise you'll live. End ID.]

let me say this loud for the people in the back.

alt text descriptions alone are not accessible.

some people need and use image descriptions, but not screen readers. this includes but is not limited to people with visual processing disorders, people with epilepsy, people with any issue compounded with being Deaf or hard of hearing. IDs also benefit poor or rural folks with bad internet connections. none of these people are necessarily given access to an image via alt text alone.

the alt text character limit on tumblr is around 200. that straight up isn't enough for every image. if, as an artist, you are only describing your art in 200 characters or less, well. you're probably doing a disservice to your art and you're definitely doing a disservice to disabled people who rely on IDs to experience your art.

this specific artist also doesn't write "ID in alt text" in the caption, they only tag posts that way. which means without referring to the original post, there's no way for people who aren't using screen readers / checking every image on a pc to know that it's accessible.

as an artist, you should take it as a compliment that someone took the time to describe your art so that people can experience it who wouldn't otherwise be able to. you should be happy if others add details to that description, details that stood out to them, that they found meaningful. all of us, as image describers and people who care about accessibility, should be open to corrections and additions to our IDs. the point should always be to make the image as accessible as possible. ego shouldn't factor into that.

expanded IDs (which, if you're only using alt text, are NEEDED) or even fully redundant IDs so that more people can access the image - these things are not comparable to inane, irrelevant commentary added to a post. it's quite frankly an ableist thing to say so.

but just in case this was too much text, I'll say it again.

tl;dr. alt text descriptions alone are not accessible. IDs written in the caption space of a post = best practice.

[ntamain]

Is my (24F) neighbour (27F) into me or is she just being friendly? How do I know if she's gay?

another gay gem from the r/relationship reddit

Update:

Image ID under the cut, please let me know if I did it wrong!

[Image ID: four screenshots of a post from the relationship subreddit by tumblr user nta-main. The title reads “Is my (24F) neighbour (27F) into me or is she just being friendly? How do I know if she’s gay?”

The text reads “Update post is now locked, I cant believe so many people were interested in us!! Thank you again for your support, comments and messages.

Hi all, I can't believe I'm asking for advice from a bunch of strangers on the internet but I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this. Sorry for the incoming essay but I guess I need to give history. I bought my first house in September last year, It was an odd time but everything just fell into place. It's quite a small village and everyone is really friendly so I got to know my neighbours soon after moving in - yes, socially distanced. Then I met my over-the-road neighbour, let's call her Elle. I can't describe it but it's the first time I've ever met someone and been lost for words and my heart was racing and just thought "omg", y'know?? So after I blushed my way through a welcome to the village type convo we only saw each other for a wave and hello for a few days.

To help kinda settle in I had my dog (Bea) with me for the first few weeks. During this time there was a massive increase in dog thefts in a nearby town, not just from gardens but literally wrestled away from people. If I'd have been working (furloughed off and on since March) then I would've taken Bea back to mum's but since I was home with her all day she stayed. So the local police advised to not walk dogs alone but we go out twice a day, a 10k run in the morning and a few miles walk in the evening. So obvs this scares me, but at the same time she is honestly a pain in the arse and gets upset if she doesn't go for a run and needs to be tired out so I'm kind of stuck at this point. Then along comes Elle. She knocked on the door and offered to come with us as she'd seen Bea and me in the evenings and everything kind of spiralled from there. I told her about my morning runs but she didn't really bite so I thought nothing of it. Then a few days later I bumped into her on a run, so she started joining us on those too.

A few months later and we are spending more and more time together everyday. It has now progressed to a run early morning, afternoon coffee, dinner most evenings and then the evening walk. It just seemed to happen without me really noticing. I didn't read into things that much as I don't want to get my hopes up and ruin anything until another neighbour commented about how much time we spend together and how "it's nice to see you young gals getting on" and winked. She actually winked at me. I asked her what she meant but she just laughed and said "you know what I mean". So now I'm looking back on things and wondering if she could like me too?

Here's some reasons why she might like me:

I went running along the same route at the same time for nearly 2 weeks before I happened to run into her a few days after I told her this?

I make her a coffee every afternoon (Elle is WFH) and take it over in her fave mug. She says I make good coffee but I'm pretty sure I saw a fancy coffee machine the first time I went round (it's not there now?).

Elle carried on running and walking with me even after Bea went home. I told her she was going back to mum's and she said well "I'll have to make another excuse to join you" and then we just carried on everyday.

She has tried really hard to bond with Bea. Bea is a very anxious dog and is scared of everyone except me and mum. Elle bought special treats to give her everyday and has been so amazing with her and never tried to force anything. When I asked her she said "it's important to me that she likes me and is comfortable". Bea actually fell asleep between us on the sofa yesterday and It just makes my heart skip a beat guys.

She invited me to the zoom quiz she does with her friends every fortnight or so and they were all like "oh so this is who we've heard so much about "

We realised we had become each other's support bubble. Elle asked if I was meeting anyone else and I said no, she said she was glad she had me all to herself (!!)

We gave each other quite personal xmas presents. Like, it actually made me tear up it meant so much to me. And she bought stuff for Bea!!

Reasons why she might not like me:

All the reasons above, but that she's just doing them because she's a fucking great person and we're friends?

It might sound dumb but idk I need your help guys. She is the just the most incredible person I have ever met and I really really like her but if she isn't gay or doesn't feel the same I don't want to lose her friendship as she has become such a huge part of my life. I genuinely have no experience with these kind of things as I went to quite a strict all girls school, so it's not as if there were any relationships around me as a teen and then I went to a very small uni (8 of us on my course). I guess another reason is that I've struggled with anxiety and depression for the past 10 years, as well as my weight and working on my self confidence, but I can say that right now I am the happiest and healthiest (both mentally and physically) I have ever been. I've only just really become comfortable with the fact that I'm gay and I have never really told anyone in real life, but I don't think people would be too surprised lol. I don't have any close friends as no one stuck around when I was really struggling with my MH a few years ago so I can't discuss this with anyone irl.

So I need your advice : how do I find out if she is gay? And no, I don't have the confidence to just ask!! What if she says no and I ruin everything? She has never mentioned anything about past relationships and I'm pretty tactless so not sure how I could naturally slip it into the convo. Like, "hey tell me have you ever had a girlfriend? Do you want one now?" Lol. And how can I make a move without really making a move so I don't ruin things??

tl;dr : Don't know whether my neighbour is gay and into me or is just really friendly. How can I make a move without ruining our friendship?

Edit: Ok guys, thank you so so much for all your support and encouragement. You've all given me a lot to think about. I think I'm going to casually slip some gay stuff into conversation and see how she reacts. Then bring up the neighbours comment like some of you suggested, seeing as tho the neighbour was heavily implying that we're gay. I'll do it tonight otherwise I'll talk myself out of it again. I will post an update to let you know what happens (eek). If you never hear from me again assume it went badly and I am consoling myself with cake and watching brokeback mountain in floods of tears.

Hi reddit, yes it's me the useless lesbian. First off I want to thank you all for your support, encouragement and advice - and the undeserved awards! I never expected this many of you to take the time to comment and that so many of you were rooting for us.

So I had the plan to drop these gay hints into convo like you guys suggested but honestly it all went out the window. Elle was kinda stressed friday after a shitty work zoom and just needed to vent so it wasnt the right time to start anything. Though I guess I must have been a bit off thanks to spending all day overthinking things on here, as Elle turned up Saturday morning rambling about stressing me out and apologised (!!) for ruining dinner. Obvs I said "what are you talking about you can talk to me about anything", and she said "anything?" and I said "anything" back. And guys the tension was unreal, staring at each other and hoping our lesbian mind reading powers would kick in.

Then there was some loud noise like a car backfiring or something and the moment went. So I went to make coffee and then Elle asked me why I was a bit quiet the night before and I said something about overthinking stuff and she said "what stuff" and idk you guys I wasnt prepared to be put on the spot my casual gay pop culture references were useless in this moment. My mind just went completely blank and I forgot every single thing you guys suggested and my heart was pounding and I just blurted out you know I like you, right?.

...And then she kissed me. Kissed me. We straight up just snogged in the kitchen and it was fucking great. So...you were right. You were all fucking right. She's gay, she likes me and has been trying to drop hints for nearly 5 months. sigh

We were both just too scared to make a move or ruin anything. Turns out she's been burned by straight girls in the past, so she's pretty wary and was hoping I'd straight up say I'm a lesbian so she'd know for sure - maybe the I'm a lesbian wall hanging would've been a good idea after all? Her friends have been helping her drop hints, she showed me the group chat and guys their suggestions ranged from flirting more to just turning up in a trenchcoat and nothing else lol. Also, the winking neighbour has been making comments to her as well, so shout out to her for trying to make this happen too.

So no cake and cry watching brokeback mountain, just 5 months of dating to catch up on. As for worrying about how our current schedule could be more date like during lockdown, you were right it's kinda irrelevant when you've essentially been dating the whole time. Though we never made it to our morning run yesterday, in fact we didn't leave the house at all, ha.

Thank you guys for giving me hope, even if all your suggestions completely disappeared in the moment. Maybe I'll show her the post later and ask if any of the suggestions would have worked.

tl;dr: she's gay, into me and I'm an idiot”

End image ID]

[amphtaminedreams]

Spring/Summer & Haute Couture Week 2021: Whoops, I’ve Missed a Loooot (Part 2)

Hey to anyone reading,

I’m so sorry for the gap between the last fashion week review post and this one! Argh. I had no idea I posted it as long ago as the beginning of March but I think we can all agree that lockdown has fucked with our perceptions of time completely. I wish I could say the delay in posting was as simple as me being busy but I’ve also started to reflect on whether or not I want to carry on this format of posts for the time being; on the scale of problems, this one is wayyy down there in the very lower quartile of the first world region, but my motivation to carry on this kind of content in the form of long-winded text posts is...meh...not so much there anymore. At first I was thinking the issue was that working on these was my last priority on my daily to-do lists but as I’ve got back into writing fiction, it’s kind of occurred to me that the fact I was putting these posts on my to-do lists in the first place along with things like doing the ironing and contacting student finance speaks volumes. When I’m back from work or winding down, opening up Tumblr and coming back to this draft isn’t something that I think of as a fun stress reliever in the way drafting stories is. It doesn’t feel like I’m using my imagination or my creativity or expressing myself in any way and it’s not much of an escape from day to day life in the way that writing dialogue or exploring characters is. Maybe it’s because I’ve done quite a few of these posts now but I just tend to feel like I’m repeating myself, you know kinda like when you’re writing an essay and trying to fill up a word count; of course there are collections that I do have a lot of opinions on but by and large, sometimes it boils down to THESE CLOTHES ARE JUST FUCKING PRETTY, OKAY?! There’s only so many things you can say about a tulle skirt or an exaggerated collar before you want to strangle yourself with said tulle. I used to think iF VoGUe RuNwaY wRitErs CaN dO iT WhAT's MY exCusE until I realised that 1). Vogue Runway writers actually get paid and 2). for the most part all they do is explain the designer's intentions behind the collections verbatim without giving a critical opinion anyway.

I think a lot of the pressure I feel to justify what are in reality quite simple observations and opinions goes back to some of the feelings I explained in my first ever fashion week review where people who know more about fashion and have a formal education in the subject tend to be kind of gatekeep-y and elitist. It can never be that you appreciate different things about a collection but rather than one of you has taste and the other doesn’t and if it wasn’t obvious, the taste level assigned to you by the powers that be tend to positively correlate with the amount of money you have available to spend on a degree that has a reputation for failing to provide a steady income, which for most makes it an unrealistic avenue to pursue. I know, I know, the pressure is totally self-inflicted and wholly imagined seeing as I have under 500 followers on here and those who do interact with these posts most likely do so for the pictures but I still feel it, and given that I’m going to have enough external pressure to write essays when I return to uni in September, why on earth am I wasting time putting it on myself? When just posting photosets of my favourite looks is not only actually enjoyable for me but is also what other people WANT to see too? Nobody wants to read a self-indulgent paragraph like this when they’re here for the clothes and to be honest, for the most part I don’t want to write them anyway unless it’s something I have strong feelings about or if a collection can only be properly appreciated with analysis. I think I’ve made pretty clear which designers I’m a fan of, do you really need to hear me raving about Gucci or Zimmerman or Miu Miu or Balenciaga again? Is there gonna be anything revolutionary in yet another rant about Maria Grazia? Course not. I mean, if you are reading, you might have to witness those things one last time because I do intend to finish off this season’s review in this format for consistency purposes and because I’ve already got all the notes now but on the whole, I doubt anyone will miss my rambles.

So, with all that in mind, I think after I finish my S/S21 posts I am gonna start just uploading these posts without the written part. I mean, for one, the simplicity of doing this means I’m much less likely to procrastinate making them which in turn means I’ll be able to get them out right after the shows as a kind of summary as opposed to months later when they’re no longer as relevant. This will also give me more time to work on the writing I actually enjoy. Right now I’m going through and editing my 17 year old self’s “grown-up” take on the Pretty Little Liars blackmail murder mystery style plot line which I wrote back when I was completely and utterly obsessed with the show and bitterly disappointed by the last couple of seasons. The writing is pretty mediocre and often hugely cringey to read back now but I am still a fan of the basic plot and I’m genuinely motivated to see if I can make it something actually worth reading, and to get onto that ASAP; this feels especially important right now given that the HBO version of the series’ apparent upcoming release has sent that ever-present writer’s fear of seeing-your-same-storyline-done-better-by-somebody-else-thus-forever-relegating-your-version-to-being-the-poor-imitation-so-you-gotta-get-there-first into overdrive (or maybe that’s just me and my neuroses). Again, it’s a totally unfounded fear based on the fact that the HBO show will probs get millions of viewers whilst I will be doing little more than shouting into the void but anybody who’s used Turnitin to submit an essay that ultimately counts for little more than like 1% of your grade or degree will know that no matter how irrelevant your work is, the concept of failing a plagiarism check, be it via a computer algorithm or one random stranger on the internet’s assessment, is enough to conjure visions of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse galloping towards you screaming “START THE WHOLE THING AGAIN” before releasing a hoarde of 2015 Chanel vs. Walmart style comparison memes.

Now, speaking of Chanel, I should probably get back into the reviewing. 

So for the last time for a little while, here’s Christian Siriano:

Siriano’s designs are a great example of work I feel guilty enjoying. I know that when it comes to quality, the high fashion community have a lot of (negative) things to say and I really can’t speak to that because quite honestly, I know very little about textile manufacturing. Solely from my own point of view though, I do like his work a lot. I wouldn’t claim for a minute that he’s a pioneer in terms of his creations but I would 100% love to wear them and I DO hugely admire his commitment to putting women of all sizes on the runway and designing pieces that don’t simply cater to straight up and down types which is more than can be said for most brands. I get that his collections are pretty formulaic, taking what has worked for the likes of Chanel and Alessandra Rich, De La Renta and Carolina Herrera, Michael Kors too (who is kind of guilty of the same thing himself), but that’s not to say his work is bad. Let’s be real, we’ve been on this planet thousands of years, we’re all taking inspiration from someone, and maybe figures like Kors and Siriano could wait a *little* longer before taking said inspiration but their aim at the end of the day is to sell clothes, not break barriers, a task which although often left to the big name brands, they too often fail at. I’m not going to lie, I’m feeling this whimsical mid-century tea party vibe, it’s elegant and it’s cutesy and My Fair Lady-esque, and you bet your arse I would be absolutely thrilled to wear one of these looks on a summer red carpet. I just can’t say no to anything tulle-maybe it’s that I was on Toddlers & Tiaras in a past life or maybe it’s that I watched too many Barbie Princess films growing up, but I like pretty much everything going on here, especially Siriano is giving us matching fedoras too. Plus, can we take a moment to praise Siriano for his COVID relief efforts? Near the beginning of the pandemic, he turned his studio into a mask manufacturing factory in order to send them out as donations, and I think that is very cool.

Then there’s Christopher Kane who once again came through with the most insanely gorgeous prints:

I mean, paint splattering is hardly a new technique but I haven’t seen it done as a print so tastefully before-it eats the Moschino biro scribble print (which apparently was copied too speaking of the tendencies of designers to “borrow” inspiration) for breakfast. It’s shit because there weren’t many looks in this collection and they weren’t really shot in a way that does them any justice but I thought I’d include the few I saved.

Comme Des Garcons is a fave of the high fashion community and one I look forward to seeing at fashion week but can never quite get behind. I appreciate the what-the-fuckery of it all with this show totally being able to pass as a run-through of some kind of nuclear waste themed scare house at one of Thorpe Park’s fright nights. I assume given that and the plastic Mickey Mouse print it’s supposed to be some kind of reference to the part late-stage capitalism has played in the hellish landscape we find ourselves in today? Or something all intellectual? In which case I made my interpretation with farrrr too much confidence. But Anyway! Who knows! I’ll leave the analysis to the fashion students, and give it one word: trippy.

Onto Dion Lee, a brand I truly do get excited to talk about because it’s rare that I don’t LOVE his work.

Without fail, Lee manages to be confidently ahead of the curve without going out of his way to announce it and his genius to everyone with flamboyant shows and exaggerated designs and extortionate prices. He is very much an underdog in the fashion world in terms of big names but you’ll be hard pressed to find anyone who doesn’t love his collections. His S/S21 collection is one of my favourites of the bunch. I love seeing something I’ve never seen before and the palm leaf breast plate is so odd but so cool and so perfectly Dion Lee at the same time; we’ve seen jungle/tropical inspired collections sooo many times *cough cough D&G cough cough* and THIS is how you make them fresh and unique. I mean, never in a million years did I think I’d get behind the resurgence of the gladiator sandal trend but Lee has me changing my mind. This is one of the very rare times you will ever see me using this meme to praise a man but:

I mean, he has Fernanda Ly modelling for him, that the man has taste goes without saying.

Now for a bit of a full circle moment, given that I did actually praise Dior’s haute couture collection in my first ever post; Maria Grazia did GOOD. Well, with haute couture at least.

She’s always pretty hamfisted with her references, there’s no denying, with that Grecian Goddess style RTW collection typifying that statement completely, but luckily she struck gold this time round; as someone who studied the Tudors for A-level history, seeing a modern take on the exaggeratedly feminine renaissance silhouettes with the baroque prints and the deep jewell tones got me super excited especially when you throw in the dreamy tarot theming and the nods to the mystical and arcane. Seeing as the Heavenly Bodies Met Gala (I know, I know, I need to move on) was some time ago now and Cersei Lannister’s *SPOILER* been crushed by a rock (could also be seen as a metaphor for the irrelevancy David Benioff and D.B Wise condemned GoT to when they aired that shitty ending tehe) and so probably won’t be getting a collection based on her costumes any time soon, this is the only fashion take on this kind of period dress I’m going to get…and you know what? I’m okay with that. Thanks Maria, I guess?

Her RTW collection wasn’t absolutely awful either, and slightly better than the past few collections at least. Put a monkey in a room with a typewriter (or show it enough similar well-received collections) and it will eventually write something that makes sense, don’t they say? I like the nomadic feel of a lot of the looks and there’s beautiful layering going on but the aura of exotic opulence unsurprisingly didn’t stick around for long and I found that there was a decline in quality in the midsection of the show that landed a lot of the outfits in either awkward mother of the bride at a beach wedding or The Only Way is Essex Ocean Beach PLT sponsored poolside party territory. The looks picked back up a bit towards the end stretch of the show but I wasn’t a fan of the Gucci style oversized glasses which were so out of place with the rest of the theming that if anything they seemed like a cheap grab at relevancy. So yeah, a middling, subpar Etro-esque collection which is better than usual for Dior I suppose.

Next, Elie Saab, whose S/S21 collection was kinda disappointing, tbh. Oh how the turns have tabled given that positive Dior review and my usual love of Saab’s collections.

I know his dresses lose some of their appeal when we can’t see them in motion but even ON the runway I can’t see myself being dazzled by any of these pieces the way I usually am. They’re lacking the level of detail and craftsmanship I associate with the brand seemingly in favour of block colours and suits and the issue is that the whole Disney Princess fantasy has always been the appeal for me because the silhouettes aren’t interesting enough on their own. They’re not ugly pieces, they’re nice, but does nice really have a place in high fashion when the pieces are so basic in both their design and presentation that the shots could pass as ripped from a catalogue? The strongest parts of the collection were when it did go down the more delicate route with the muted blue suits and the white feather trimmed dresses, the small, ornamental gold details reminding me of a very toned down nod to Schiaparelli’s hardware, but with regards to the bright coloured pieces, I can’t lie-they did look like something you could find in the M&S Per Una holiday section. Then you’ve got the weakest parts, which were just flat out ugly: sheer giraffe print, sweat band style elasticated waits, and long chiffon shirts that I hate to admit read as frumpy. There are times where I’ve not been particularly excited by an Elie Saab collection in the past, but I do think this is the first time I’ve actively disliked parts of it.

Conversely, Erdem’s S/S21 collection was super strong, and solidified the brand’s place in my mind as a dependable source of kooky maximalism, this time round giving us  Anya Taylor Joy’s Emma wardrobe on speed. You could tell me Erdem Moralıoğlu had just raided the Bridgerton set’s fitting rooms and put it on a runway and I would 100% believe you and I mean that in a positive way because to give my unpopular opinion, the clothes were the only good thing about that show. The endearingly florid details of exaggerated bows and clashing florals were still there but this time in a way that felt more subtle and self-assured, as if the calming influence of the wooded set’d had a direct hand in the designs, giving the rugged, ethereal feel to the collection I associate with brands like Brock and Simone Rocha, all whilst keeping the parts of Erdem I’m so fond of.

Is it really much of a shock that I included pretty much every look from the Etro S/S21 show?  Like, you know that Christian idea of God, like, (the voice in my head is very much taking on the dumb valley girl voice that anybody who reads this is most probably getting too) knowing our souls? I think Veronica Etro knows mine. So no, no surprise. Though there were a few unconventional touches thrown into these looks (the campier prints and nautical theming we see with the 80s beach towel print, for example, reminded me a bit of Versace) the mystical bohemian it girl that Etro designs for would still be highly satisfied. Sure, it might be a wardrobe fit for a holiday less adventurous than backpacking but if she wanted a tropical poolside holiday, this collection is the one, the paisley print chiffon mini and maxi dresses especially. I’m just gonna pretend I don’t see the monstrosity that is leggings worn as trousers-it’s a fashion rule I refuse to abandon-because they are the only stain on an otherwise expectedly gorgeous collection.

Next, an unusually reserved RTW collection from Fendi:

More in line with the wardrobe of a European fashion editor than the glamorous trophy wife (who let’s say uses that facade as a guise to ruthlessly run her husband’s whole business empire from behind the scenes because in this house we do complex female characters only), these pieces are lot “smarter” and more professional looking than Fendi’s typical offerings; where I feel Fendi usually designs for the society girl who wouldn’t mind a front page scandal, these are the kind of outfits a young member of Monaco’s royal family would wear for a positively received but business-as-usual press tour. I know, Fendi is an Italian brand, but this is more Southern France to me. We’re talking some 2nd page shots of a Kate Middleton type on a yacht on the Riviera smiling and waving as her PR team’s ideal scenario. Still, whilst fewer exaggerated silhouettes, animal prints and overtly luxurious fabrics (real leathers, silks and furs for example) mean that the drama’s a little toned down, it’s all still very expensive looking and combines the classically feminine glamour of the past and the minimalism of modernity in the artful manner that we’re used to. Maybe it’s me being a basic bitch but I always love seeing Ashley Graham on the runway too, even if brands to tend to use her as their single token plus size model.

Kim Jones’ debut haute couture collection for Fendi, however, wasn’t a very well received one. I don’t hate it personally but I can see where the criticisms are coming from. Whilst it’s closer to the version of Fendi I’ve come to expect and there were some stunning pieces which completely encapsulated that distinctive aura of luxe and glamour, there were quite a few lazy pieces which could’ve been from any designer. I also felt the collection was a bit upstaged by what seemed to be a who’s who of the modelling world; having Bella, Cara, Kate and Naomi ALL walk in one show was a bit distracting and took the focus off the clothes completely.

Giambattista Valli’s RTW collection was gorgeous as ever; the man has undeniably mastered the art of delivering classic, objective elegance, the kind of designs I feel would make you light on your feet and smell like strawberries and cream the minute you put one on. Whilst as a brand his RTW shows are rarely trendsetting, they reliably produce a plethora of unfailingly graceful and demure pieces, as appealing to your mum and your grandma as they are to young women and little girls, and this collection is another victory lap for Valli when it comes to upholding his signature tea party and artisan cupcake making and rose garden strolling and bottomless rosé brunch appropriate aesthetic. There were a lot of outfits that were bordering on overly juvenile, with structures a little too basic to justify the amount of sequins thrown on, but when it’s good, it’s so sweet that regardless of how to formula it is, I can’t help but fall in love.

Valli’s haute couture collection was stunning too and for sure a more exciting offering than the RTW. There was of course a lot of the signature tulle but it was head-turning, over the top in a way that leant far more towards the experimental than I expected. The photos themselves are 100% believable as a some kind of Vogue behind the scenes editorial shoot on the set of live action Disney princess movie (in between takes of the climactic ball scene if you wanna get specific with the vision); if you are looking for a prettier alternative to the primary colours and disruptive shapes of a Molly Goddard collection, this is the one. It’s giving the themes of excess and abundance I associate with that of the Hunger Games Capitol but through the softer lens of a Sofia Coppola movie, and being the typical cinema loving white girl I am, I’m obviously on board with that vibe.

I did SUCH a 180 on Givency’s S/S21 collection from when I first saw it to writing a review. My initial reaction was one of disappointment, I guess simply because Givenchy has given us so many bold pieces and presentations over the last few years whereas this is more low-key. After properly considering it though as I would any other brand, I came to the conclusion that I do actually really like it. It’s still got the strange, androgynous silhouettes popping up throughout and the futuristic space-age details but with a more down-to-earth, streetwear feel, albeit a very slick, glossy spin on the trends of the rabble (that’s us guys) of course before we go believing it’s achievable. On the one hand, the devil horn accents are a touch Claire’s accessories halloween range but at the same time, done with confidence they’re kind of cool and bring something new and fun to the table in line with the dark theatre of Givenchy’s last few shows.

Now for Gucci, which for the first time I have to say, if I'm attempting objectivity, is not a standout. 

Like, can I just start by saying though the format it’s presented in is cute, it’s not ideal as a way of actually showing the collection. I get that the vintage shop bin vibe is a huge part of Gucci’s brand but polaroids make it SO hard to actually see the clothes, and that’s what we’re here for right? I don’t want to give the impression that I don’t like what I see here-the clothes are gorgeous, an idyllic ode to the off-duty wardrobes of Studio 54-ers, bohemian style icons like Charlotte Rampling and young Olivia Newton-John, psychedelic rock guitarists and the inhabitants of San Fransisco’s Haight during the late 60s and early 70s, Alessandro Michele’s favourite period of reference. I can’t pretend otherwise, or act like I wouldn’t want to wear the shit out of this collection. Buut, for Gucci? It’s a little underwhelming. These are the kind of filler looks we get in a typical Gucci show to go alongside the more statement pieces, which this collection is lacking. It’s just that these are designs which usually gets people talking and these pieces don’t do that. It sucks because for most other brands this would be a stand out collection, an immersive, luscious vignette of what people tend to think of as a cultural golden era, but when you’ve had a show that involved models carrying replicas of their own decapitated heads down the runway in the last 5 years, of course something more toned down like this is gonna generate a lot of “is that it?”s.

I owe Hermes an apology. Looking back, I have disliked all their previous collections for the same reason that I now really like this one; maybe it’s in part down to the frustration of still having to whack out the winter coat on occasion in May (fuck British weather and climate change), but suddenly I really appreciate the value of some good quality, versatile outerwear. Hermes is giving us that in spades here and for that, I bow down to them. The pieces on offer are clearly well-made and genuinely practical, and through the minimalist approach manage to retain both an air of timeless sophistication whilst also being youthful and on trend. The leather tactical vest co-ord I can easily see edged up and taking centre stage on one of those insane Seoul street style slow-mo TikToks that were big a couple of months ago and there are several pieces that could tie together a grunge influenced k-style look just as well as they could exist for years on end as the wardrobe staple of a high-powered businesswoman. Designer Nadège Vanhee-Cybulski’s strengths really come through with the simpler looks and it’s the patterned pieces that drag down an otherwise flawless collection; I guess because the aesthetic is very minimalist, the patterns can’t be anything overly decorative but unfortunately this has a bit of a dowdy effect when you pair it with such modest silhouettes. Disregarding those elements of the collection though, it was super good.

It goes without saying that Iris Van Herpen’s haute couture collection was breathtaking; if the fashion community can agree on anything, it’s that this woman’s work is consistently awe-inspiring. She captures the wonder of the universe, the biological structures and kaleidoscopic colours we don’t even register, through fashion in a way that others can only imitate, to mesmerising, truly transcendent effect; I can only assume Van Herpen has mother nature whispering into her ear because how the hell else do you explain her ability to take the kind of microscopic organisms they show you images of in an outdated GCSE science powerpoint and make a dress that resembles one so stunning? Care to explain, Iris? Because if there is some kind of line of communication between the two of you can you please tell the bitch I’m over this weather and that I have cute summer outfits I’m waiting to wear so can she pack this torrential rain shit in? K, thanks xoxo

See it seems shady as fuck to go from IVH to Isabel Marant like this because we are talking 2 designers with totallyyyy different approaches to fashion; Iris Van Herpen is haute couture for starters whereas Marant is commercial, and that’s her thing, but unfair comparisons aside this collection is still a bit of a let down. This is considering I do usually really like Isabel Marant collections based on whether or not I’d wear the pieces, which seems a more appropriate barometer to use to come to a quality verdict. Whilst there were a few of the elegant bohemian pieces my mind goes to when it comes to her brand, the steps outside of that comfort zone didn’t pay off; graffiti print (can be cool if done with some subtlety which apart from a few exceptions was not the case here), cheap looking reflective fabric, and MC Hammer style dungarees, it seems to be an attempt to merge 80s trends with modern urban culture, and an attempt that at times verged on the disastrous. It’s good for a brand to experiment, of course, and appeal to a wider client base than usual, but when it’s bad the unfortunate take away is that the design team don’t have the chops to pull off straying from familiar territory; designers wouldn’t be showing at fashion week if this was truly the case because disregarding the influence of nepotism, fashion is an area you need real talent, perseverance and business smarts to excel in, and so it doesn’t do a team justice when they do fail.

J.W Anderson, on the other hand, really put his best foot forward this season and presented this work in a really cool way too which only added to the positives; whilst the way the shots were edited was funky af, it didn’t detract from the actual outfits, and if we are to see the same limitations when it comes to the F/W collections being released, this is something a lot of designers and editing teams should take note of. The idiosyncratic exaggerated shapes that we see as a recurring feature of Anderon’s collections were still on show but this time round with added femininity, billowing skirts and trailing jewellery that channel the stage looks of Stevie Nicks in a way that’s modern and functional and maybe even fit for the office if you were to work in a more creative industry with a chill boss. Could also work for a coven of witches who practice meditation by bonfires in the moonlight and burn the letters of men who wronged them in some Arizonian desert, so like I said, functional! Who doesn’t like versatility? The only thing I’m not too keen on is the shoes but they’re not so bad that it affects my opinion of the collection and they look comfy I guess.

Lastly, we’ve got to talk about Jacquemus, one of the most influential names in fashion at the moment. And yes, this time round, I’m doing it: I’m buying into the hype.

This collection is gorgeousss! I can see already that a lot of the recurring elements of the show are going to be big summer trends for this year (the cut outs and strappy details on the blouses are everywhere already) even though it isn’t hot enough to have collectively decided the time to start dressing for heat is upon us yet, and that’s always a good indicator of how successful the designer was in their vision and attempts to assess the needs and wants of fashion enthusiasts; whether I’m as big a fan of his work as everyone else seems to be, there’s no denying Simon Porte Jacquemus has always excelled at this practice if the buzz around him is anything to go by. It makes sense given the last year of us all being stuck in and suppressed that a lot of us are already romanticising the summer ahead, anticipating picnics and beach days and general Theresa May running through wheat fields type shenanigans galore, in spite of how dubious an assumption it is to make that British weather will allow for this; Porte Jacquemus has very much catered to this wishful thinking and the popularity of the whole escapist “cottage core” aesthetic, sexing it up a little bit with pieces that hug the body in ways only Mugler knows how whilst being lightweight and relaxed enough to look good with windswept, sandy hair and a little dose of sunburn. I’m talking enough to give you some cutesy freckles and rosy cheeks not PSA on the importance of suncream territory, guys, what is it with those of us on the gen Z/millennial cusp not taking sun damage seriously!? Why do I have to beg so many of my friends to wear it!? Does nobody else remember those photos they’d show you in PSHE in English primary schools of burnt people’s skin under UV lights? Or is that just me being weird and only having such a vivid memory of the images because teachers told us we had to wait until year 6 to see them due they to their “graphic” nature only for my gore-loving self to be extremely underwhelmed when we finally did get that lesson? They showed us a woman giving birth in year 4 for fuck’s sake. THAT was traumatising.

Back to the actual point anyway, with just a couple of negatives, the first of which being that the pieces are very similar to those feminine looks we saw dotted about the Jacquemus menswear collection from last year that were all over fashion Twitter. In Simon Porte Jacquemus’ defence though, it makes sense that those tones and silhouettes would be revisited in a full womenswear collection for that very reason; considering they went down so well and that lockdown gave us a bit of a half-baked summer in 2020, expanding on those elements enough for a whole new collection makes good business sense. We did get some cool additions too, mainly in the form of accessories, with the hardware details on the belts similar to those included in the Givenchy collection and the abstract hair slides being standouts for me. It was all exquisite-the shoes, the jewellery, the styling, everything 10/10. My other nitpick, and I say nitpick not because it’s not important but because it’s an issue that’s hardly restricted to Jacquemus (this casting team are far from the worst offenders, Saint Laurent I’m looking at you), is that I WISH we’d see more diversity with the models. Despite what my body dysmorphia yells at me, I am small, and yet seeing all those fucking minuscule waists made me die a little inside; it’s crazy to me that in 2020 the lack of variety in body types on the runway is still such a problem.

I must have said this a million times but I don’t want to end on a negative note so let me reiterate: this collection was STUN. NING. Plus there were some others I’ve talked about in this post that I’m sure will make it into my top 20 in the final part, Jacquemus, Dion Lee and Etro for sure; we even got some gorgeous pieces from Maria Grazia which I thought was a sentence I’d never type out. Have I said enough to not leave a bad taste in the mouth of anyone who read to the end of this post? I hope so, lol! TBH, it’s impressive given everything that’s going on that the majority of designers did roll out collections in September as usual so serious respect to them and their design teams for that.

In the next post, I’ll fingers crossed be able to include everything from Kim Shui (exciting!) through to at least Off-White (actually pretty good this time?!) and make this whole thing a 4 parter before getting straight on top of the photo posts I’m thinking about doing for the time being for the F/W21 shows. So as usual, if you did read to the end thank you so much and I respect the perseverance you must have to get through all my rambling, lmao. Hope everyone is well and coping okay and again, my inbox is always open for any post suggestions, constructive criticism, or just a chat for anyone who needs a listening ear.

Big love and thank you again!

Lauren x

[xanderwithanx]

Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

[spectraspecs-writes]

Black Mirror: tumblr in the world of Nosedive

Yeah, here I go again with my thoughts on a Black Mirror episode. This morning’s TV fare was the episode “Nosedive.” To those who haven’t seen the episode, the premise is social media. Each person has the same type of phone coupled with ocular implants that allow you to identify a person on site, connect with their social media, and rank them, one star to five stars. Based on your ranking, you are either denied services or jobs, or get extra benefits. We follow Lacie Pound, a 4.2 desperate to get higher, to be a prime influencer. This gets her more money, a better apartment, better job, all that stuff. The plot follows her as she sinks lower into infamy. Not like villain stuff, but pretty much everyone hates her by the end and she revels in it, being free of the quest for a higher ranking because she’ll never get it.

What I was thinking about earlier is the fact that everyone uses the same nondescript social media. It looked to be picture-oriented like Instagram, and certain pictures for higher rankings than others. And since you could be ranked by your real-world actions, your public life was basically your Instagram life. I personally don’t have an Instagram, so I don’t know much about it.

Point being, though, that was the only social media in the episode. I doubt that it was the only social media in the world. Meaning, if your life is so public that strangers can affect your social standing, I think a lot of people would crave some anonymity. Which is where tumblr would come in.

Tumblr is the antithesis of “Nosedive.” Because each blog is not directly connected to the person. Take my brother’s blog. My brother is just on here to follow some artists. He doesn’t reblog hardly anything. His blog only has two posts on it. If it were so connected to his person, so integral to his progression in society, his feed would be loaded with military history, pictures of trains, and the occasional Zoey picture because you can’t go wrong with cute dogs. If social media was his life there would be more of his life on there. And performative socializing can be exhausting, so logically he would seek a place to stop performing.

Or take me. I’m not a big picture taker. Most of the stuff on my phone is stuff I might need later, or pictures of Zoey. It’s pretty much the same on my iPad, with the addition of art and art references. If my social standing depended on taking pictures, then you would see a lot of activity between 7 am and noon, which are my peak productive hours anyway, and things would drop off in the afternoon. Or I’d keep up that level of activity all day and crash at home like I normally do. I, too, would seek a place to be myself. Where I don’t have to perform.

Enter tumblr. With a few exceptions, none of you would recognize me if you saw me in person. There are two pictures of me on this blog, and you would have to dig deep for them. I’ve shared selfies with a few friends, and a similar subset know my actual name. This is on purpose. This was the plan in the first place. I don’t want people connecting me with this blog. I’m different in person than I am here - more on that in my other Black Mirror analysis, “Be Right Back.” And so is my brother.

Personally, I like the weirdness here. None of us care about the approval of strangers on the internet, not so directly that we cater to them if they ask. I would not stop posting about kotor if someone asked me to. I know none of y’all would stop posting about any of your particular topics if I asked. And there is no social incentive for me to keep posting about kotor. Even the existing kotor fandom on tumblr has no idea I exist, or if they do they’re being awful quiet about it (and frankly I would appreciate more noise. After all I reblog their art. Doesn’t anybody love me? Doesn’t anyone care about Sid the Sloth?) In fact, most of the time, if someone says “stop posting X,” the response is just to double the output of X out of pure spite. And why? What’s the social incentive? What does this get us in the broader tumblr society?

Nothing. There is no tangible reward. Notes are fleeting. The joy of being liked sticks with you, but fame too is fleeting, with a few notable exceptions. And even in those few exceptions, I just assume they have large follower counts because they blog like there’s an audience. But so do I. I guarantee you, my follower count is smaller than you think. My sustainability blog is higher, but the fact that the blog has a focus combined with the fact that my voice is rarely there may have something to do with that. Tumblr-focused accounts on other websites like reddit and iFunny could steal from any blog. There isn’t really an algorithm pushing the big posts to get bigger, like there is on other social media. So influencers aren’t so much of a thing here.

I am... not popular in real life. I’m a pleasant enough person, but I’m not constantly socializing because I have to budget my energy. If I spend it all chatting, then when I come home there’s nothing. I also tend to be quiet because I’ve learned that access to my constant internal bogus monologue is off-putting to most. If I come off as callous or brusque it’s only because I don’t want to come off as annoying. So my ranking in “Nosedive” would be mid level and probably stay there. I’m friendly. But I’m not going to ask questions about your life. There’s too much going on *up here* to focus on asking questions to which the answers are irrelevant. I do a lot of polite listening but if you look deeper there’s nothing there. I’m waiting for a question or something that catches my interest. And I’m used to being ignored. So rather than waste your time with babbling, I’ll keep my mouth shut. Do people miss out? Probably. But as I said there’s a lot going on *up here* and I don’t want to subject you to that if you’re not interested.

My dad would have a high ranking. That’s just the life he lives. He is always trading polite pleasantries with people, to the point where us three autistic people in the house can get a little annoyed. “Stop talking to strangers, we have things to do!” Mom’s ranking would also be mid level and stay there, for the same reasons as me, but she does have a tendency to talk a lot. My brother’s would be a high 3. He’s very pleasant, but he’s been dinged a couple times by people who were wrong, so that would hurt his ranking. But Mom and Dad are already themselves. I on the other hand have come to learn that Specs is a person that does not put a good foot forward. Specs does not make good first impressions. It is best to hold them back until my irl has made their impression and been received well. But Specs is a personality that needs to come out. And they are best expressed here, and will be for the foreseeable future. No matter how dystopian it gets.

[thestylesindependent]

Inside Eroda, the fictional Harry Styles island that’s baffled the internet

Full Text from The Telegraph 4/12/2019

It all started on November 20. A Twitter account opened in October released its first post: “The Isle of Eroda’s rich history is embedded in daily life as the ruins of many structures from the past remain standing across the land. #VisitEroda”

It looked like a new marketing campaign for a little-visited, off-beat beauty spot. But a quick search would show it didn’t actually exist. Yet, Eroda had a website. Advertisements for the place were popping up on Facebook and Google. People interested in all manner of nerdy subcultures were foxed – it had the whiff of a clever marketing campaign about it, but what was it for?

Within hours, an Eroda subreddit had been created to discuss it. People dived deep into web hosting details, and only became more baffled as they seemed legitimate: “it ain't no kid doing a school project”. Was it a scam, a game, an elaborate prank? Some were convinced it was the beginning of a new Cloverfield film, World of Warcraft, a new Channel 4 series or even a means of human trafficking.

Meanwhile, scores of “Harries”, the sub-group of Directioners dedicated to Harry Styles, were piecing bits of evidence together. The pop star was due to release Adore You, the second single off his forthcoming sophomore album. “Adore” backwards was “Eroda”, and the video, released on November 23, looked like it had been shot in St Abbs, the Berwickshire fishing village where Styles had been spotted shooting in August. As Eroda claimed more of the internet, Harries  – some of the most forensic fans in the world – were sent into a flurry of investigation.

The goliath churn of a pop star marketing campaign is fairly familiar by now: cryptic social media teaser, excitable release date news, lyric video, full video, rinse, repeat.

Styles, who will release sophomore album Fine Line on December 13 and Adore You on Friday, satisfied many speculating fans on Monday with a near-three-minute-long trailer for the single, along with an illustration of the star standing in the ocean, surrounded by fish.

To those who had been studying Eroda for the past 10 days it was the confirmation they had been hankering for: Eroda was a Harry Styles project, and it confirmed what they had always known – that he is an artist beyond the normal realms of pop frippery (by contrast, former bandmate Louis Tomlinson spent the same afternoon releasing a video in which he sings in a bunker wearing a Stone Island parka).

Styles’ trailer introduced Eroda, showing it to be an island in the middle of the Irish Sea “shaped unmistakably like a frown, it is home to an all-but-forgotten fishing village that has had perpetual cloud cover for as long as anyone can remember”. Scenes appear of a typical coastal village, with crashing waves and brave little houses facing them. It gets increasingly weird: we learn that it is bad luck to “mention a pig in a fisherman’s pub” and to “whistle in the wind, in case you turn a gust into a gale”; the island mustn’t be left on odd-numbered days.  

The inhabitants of Eroda’s village always frown, calling it “resting fish face”. Until, that is, a beaming baby appears amidst the gloom. Deemed “peculiar” (a word that pops up a lot), the boy – who grows up to become Harry Style – was outcast, leading him to deal with his angst by screaming into jars. “He had lost his smile, and without it, the world grew darker, the wind colder, and the ocean more violent” the pan-European narrator explains. “Loneliness is an ocean full of travellers trying to find their place in the world”, she continues, as Harry finds himself bonding with a stubborn fish, before the film ends “to be continued…”

So far, so intriguing. But delve a little deeper into Eroda and you may find yourself wanting to visit. The island’s website – beautiful island views and a template dating back to the late Noughties – looks remarkably similar to those for any other charming coastal holiday destination, say Bute or Oban. “No Land Quite Like It”, reads Eroda’s strapline, before offering a familiar-enough menu: Accommodations, Attractions, Guide, Home and About Eroda. The video is similarly convincing: “Make memories for your senses at VisitEroda.com”, a dulcet-voiced woman encourages over shots of crabmeat and speedboats.

It didn’t take long for the Harries to take over the Eroda subreddit, moderators becoming increasingly rigid in ruling nuggets of unrelated Eroda flotsam irrelevant to the cause of discovery (such as the user who wanted to discuss Eroda, but without any intervention from the Harries). Tumblr users were similarly invested: “What do the ominous references to Him portend? What are they serving at those town dinners? You think it’s a cute little coastal AU [alternative universe] but upon closer examination it’s full-on Wicker Man meets Hotel California meets Nightvale in the afterlife (which is what most of those places are anyway so sure why not),” posted 1D Discourse of the Day.

The whole thing is littered with wordplay. Eroda, for one, is Adore backwards (Harry’s next single is called Adore You). But, as Directioners have pointed out, the copy throughout the website nods to forthcoming Styles songs: The Fisherman’s Pub is located on the corner of Cherry Street and Golden Way (Cherry is one new song, Golden is another); the album will be released on Friday, 13 December and Eroda recommends avoiding a departure on an odd-numbered day. Eroda’s fishermen wear a single gold earring for good fortune – a look historically sported by Styles.

Directioners went further still: the hosting for VisitEroda.com and Styles’ website, doyouknowwhoyouare.com, were owned by the same company, MarkMonitor.inc. Social media pixels linked pages about Styles with Eroda. Fans became suspicious over Visit Eroda adverts appearing not on their social channels or YouTube, but, of all places, on Wikipedia. “I'M FROM FRICKING PORTUGAL,” a baffled Reddit user posted. “NOTHING EVER HAPPENS HERE. WHY IS THIS HERE”.

Eroda had analog presence, too. A4 pamphlets – the kind of thing one could make on MS Publisher circa 1998 – appeared in the freesheet boxes on the pavements of Manhattan. At a promo event in Paris, Harry was asked about Eroda by a fan. He remained silent, but those who were there claim he “made a face”.

By November 29, more evidence arrived. A short film “advert”, which used footage from the trailer released on Monday, was screened by a new Harry Styles fan account from “Eroda”. They said the film appeared in a cinema in Kinlochbervie, on Scotland’s northern coast; the Eroda account then started to tweet about cinema screening times.  Eagle-eyed fans were swift to post screengrabs, showing similar island formations in the background of both the Eroda advert and that featuring Styles. The two were linked.

Kinlochbervie was, fittingly, a bit of a red herring: the footage shown in both the advert and the video trailer was actually taken in St Abbs, a picturesque fishing village in Berwickshire that’s no stranger to a rolling camera – it was “twinned” with New Asgard after being used as a location for Thor’s new home in Avengers Endgame.

Styles was there in August, shooting, it appears, a few things for the forthcoming album campaign. He and his crew used Angela Morris’s cottage, in St Abbs’ Sea View Terrace, as a green room during the three days of filming in the village, after Morris had responded to a note being popped through the door from a filming company. “One Thursday I was just coming home from work and there was Harry walking into the house,” she tells me. “All of the costumes were in the living room, make-up was going on in the kitchen.

“I asked if I could wait in the garden before my husband and I went out for the evening, so I just sat there when Harry came out,” Morris said. “I think he was having a coffee, and he sat down and chatted, asked me about bits and pieces about the village. I was talking to him about his Gucci clothes and we had a bit of a laugh. I wasn’t too starstruck, really, and I think he appreciated that.” Later on in the shoot, Styles invited Morris and her husband to share a glass of champagne with him and the crew.

While the shoot interrupted the sleepy pace of life on St Abbs for a few days – Morris says that visitor numbers had already been boosted by Avengers Endgame but small crowds of teenage girls began to crop up after word spread of Harry’s location – most villagers, she reckons, are pleased to see the place put on the map: “Most people I saw were embracing it and interested to see what was going on.”

A German artist named Mario Klingemann was, however, more incensed when his holiday collided with the shoot: “I didn't know who Harry Styles was until today when I learned that he's the guy who blocked off the entire St Abbs harbour and prevented us from enjoying our fresh crab rolls," he posted on Twitter, aggrieved.

But Morris found out about Eroda much like everybody else – through Facebook. “It’s really odd,” she assess. “Lovely footage of beautiful St Abbs, though.”

Long-lens pap shots from that shoot certainly seem to match up with what we’ve seen of Eroda so far. Styles gangles around in Seventies suits, befitting the aesthetic of his trailer. The smoking gun, though, is the presence of a young woman with hair that brings to mind a Dr Seuss illustration, or the hat Princess Beatrice wore at the Cambridges’ wedding. VisitEroda’s “about” page explains: “The primary occupation in Eroda is fishing, however, the island’s art scene has recently started to develop. In particular, Erodean hairstyles have become a rather bold expression of self amongst the island’s youth”. Clearly, these are scenes of Eroda that are being filmed.

There’s an unmistakably ominous air to Eroda, and some believe the video for Adore You will see some misfortune befall Styles – there were reports of a (fake) gunshot being filmed in St Abbs while he was there.

But what happens next is arguably less intriguing than what we’ve been given with Eroda so far. We are well-used to being nudged and prodded by pop stars ahead of a new release. Major albums aren’t so much brought out as “dropped” or “leaked”, arriving online in the middle of the night before their fans disseminate them through the internet. Fans, rather than critics, are given early listens – and under tight NDAs. Artists will clear their channels to mark a new direction, only to give us elaborate photoshoots and contrived poetry to create a “concept”.

Eroda is undeniably a “concept” – themes of loneliness, peculiarity, conformity and happiness have been woven into the fictional island from the off. But it’s been artfully done; look deep enough into the Reddit forums and you’ll see non-Styles fans begrudgingly accepting that this is the work of a former boy band frontman, rather than that of a somehow more “serious” game creator, filmmaker or even musician. Furthermore, it’s fun – and that’s all too rare in a pop world where things have become obsessed with authenticity, and a rogue comment can result in “cancellation”. One Directioner popped up on a thread only to add, “As someone who works in marketing/promotion... This is fucking genius. Harry Styles' team is tops”, and it’s difficult to disagree.

After a decade in which stars have had to up their social media presence to survive, tweaking and teasing their listenership in ever-increasing desperation to retain shrinking attention spans, Styles is closing out the 2010s with the greatest album campaign we’ve seen so far. As an artistic statement, it suggests the 2020s will be his to claim.

[mr-entj]

Hey Mr. ENTJ not an ask but wanted to drop you a note that I'm so so so thankful for the contents of this blog and the positive but practical advices you bring to Tumblr. I had to delete my Tumblr because it was becoming so toxic and angry but it's really refreshing to stop by here as I go about my day. Take care and be well!

Thanks for the support.

Also, many of those angry people on Tumblr you’re referring to are actually suffering from depression and anxiety but masking it with anger. Traditional anger has consistent and logical triggers, for example, specific topics or specific behaviors that illicit strong reactions. Depressed anger has inconsistent and illogical triggers that surface in behaviors like picking fights with complete strangers (instigating) or ranting and raving about irrelevant random things. Depression is less about sadness and more about apathy which manifests online as a disregard for consequences by saying incendiary things.

I don’t know a single professionally successful, emotionally stable, mentally healthy, self-fulfilled person with positive family, romantic, and friendly relationships who logs online to start shit with random people on the internet. Not a single one.

Don’t let other people’s behaviors dictate your choices, there’s still a lot of other solid blogs and great people on this platform. Take care.

[christopherwitt1966]

Living with shyness.

There is a line from Lee Marvin,1970 no1 hit,Wandrin star. From the film Paint your Wagon. “Do I know where hell is,hell is in Hello” For me that has been very true. Especially with strangers and people I do not know well. Just recently I rang the garage up,to book my car in for its annual MOT and service,something I do ever-year.

Yet the act of picking up the phone,terrified me,as thou I was expecting the Spanish Inquisition.

I have suffer from shyness,lack of self confidence,low self esteem&belief most of my life. And have found inter person interactions&small talk difficult.

It has impacted of the quality of my life. Where today,I feel alone at times. Not having a real close friend or social life. Sometimes,I wish I had lead a normal life,with friends,a social life,wife and family. It has even impacted my relationship. Being a contributing factor(thou not only one) in the break up of my relationship.

A lot of it seems from my childhood. My parents especially my mum use to tell me that the world is a dangerous place,full of evil people etc. I remember walking along the road,when I was about 5 or 6,and innocent said friendly hello to somebody.

My mum was furious me,telling me for talking to strangers. It was thou I had insulted him,instead of a friendly hello.

At School I found it difficult to fit in and make friends. There were several reason.

One,being that I struggled with my reading and writing. I was behind with them. Also I use to lose day dream and lose consecration. Something I still struggle with today.

I had special English classes,and when I enter secondary school. I attended the special English group,which was unfortunately refer to by other kids,as the divi English group.

Secondly,I struggle with my speech development. I had my tonsils and adenoids removed in 1974,when I was 7yrs old to help my speech development and in 1976,I to speech therapy,to try and improve my speech. Also had test to see if had a hearing difficulties. My hearing was normal,just sometimes when people talked to me,I was unresponsive. And that still occurs to this day. Sometimes someone would speak,yet I am somewhere else,even thou I do hear them,I  just doesn’t register. It may the combination of these,which may have made me seem slow and stupid. That’s is why never fit in at school. It is no wonder,I started to withdraw and started to live in my own fantasy world.I still today,feel like an outsider trying to fit in,feeling like I am an alien,stuck on an alien planet. Also struggled to fit in to the so call ‘mans world and lads culture’Having been brought up with a younger sister,and the cousin I spent the most with,where both my mums younger Sister and my dads younger sisters children. Who were all girls. I do have male cousins,thou I did not see them as often and were a lot older. That’s why I always felt more comfortable around woman then Men.I developed deep shyness as I moved into my teenage years, preferring to spent time watching TV in my bedroom, or watching trains and latter got into train spotting. I have always love railways and aviation. My parents never drove,so travel a lot on day trips to the coast and holidays by train,so fell love with railways. And I do still today,even thou no longer train spotting. Missed out on what teenagers did when I was a teenager. I remember my sisters 17th birthday party out our house,in 1985,I was 18 at the time. My sister is the total opposite,she can talk for England. She could meet someone and within a few minutes,be chatting away,as thou they know each other for years. Anyway,I got ready had a shower and dressed,and then never left my bedroom! Because I was to terrified to go down stairs.As started in employment,a certain amount of inter action were necessary, and I did try socialise a bit more. Thou as I mentioned earlier,never felt at home with the ‘lads culture’ I prefer small groups,the larger the group,the more invisible I feel. More irrelevant and not having anything interesting to say. Also of course,I started dating. In the Early 90s,I started to read self help books. And in 1999, I attended my first of person growth/self improvement workshop in Oxford. Also in London as well. I meet some wonderful people during this time and made some friends. While our backgrounds,life style and issues varies widely,we were kindred spirits for being there. Also during this time I stared to seeing a therapist about my confidence issues,between 1999 & 2001. For me the turn of the millennium,in my early 30s,was the most happiest and when I felt the most growth and self confidence.

One of the people I meet on that first day,in Worcester College Oxford was my late friend Rachel. We became friends and confidents. We regularly talk of the phone and regularly wrote letters. Express my feeling and thoughts. It was good to have friends who did not know your life,family,work place or ex-girlfriends. Where you could share your deepest feelings. Also about life in general and the nature of happiness.

For also during this time,I began to see that my shyness,while been a blight on my life was also a gift. Not being part of the ‘herd or crowd’ I saw thing differently,especially what makes people happy. That it dose comes within, it also allowed me to appreciate the simply things in life,like nature,my walk around Virginia Water lake,Richmond park,trips to the coast etc. This lead me to the love of taking pictures especially with arrival of the digital era. I not a photographer,just a happy snapper.

Not just Rachel,but some other wonderful people. One the best days of my life came in November 1999,when meet up with a group of them in a cottage,in hills outside Stroud in Gloucestershire. We talked about anything and everything. I felt for once,belonging. In Jan 2002,I made my first trip to New York. Just 4months after 9/11. To attend a workshop,ran by someone who workshop I attended in London in the summer of 2001. This gave me an insight about confidence being relative. I been on my own to NY, 3times now. I love NY. Yet I know confident talkers,would not do that,some who are scared of flying.

Slowly the friends and growth and happiness started to slip away,from around 2004/5. I started to lose contact with my friends and even with  Rachel,became increasingly infrequent,to point where I found out,that she lost her battle with cancer in 2006, from an article on the internet. Which made feel sad,knowing that I did not know her in the last months of her life. She was only 50.

Generally I like to think of myself,as a cheerful happy person,which I am most of the time. Thou I do suffer from deep downs,when I feel like reverting in my own little bubble and push the world out.

When I move into my own flat in 2007, I began to revert inwards,slowly losing the joy,happiness,connections and confidence, I gained at the turn of the millennium.

My flat became my own personal sanctuary from the outside world. Living opposite a McDonald’s and close to supermarkets, junk food became a convenient. And started to put on the lbs,and a shroud around me to keep my confidence in,and people out. By the time I was diagnosed with diabetes in 2017,I was over 17stone. That is well over 4 1/2stone heavy,that in the year 2000.

By the end of 2019,I got down to 16st. When I November 2019,I had a mini breakdown thinking about my life,feeling that I have wasted it and some of the thing I have done to sabotage my life.

I planned to get back on track for 2020. By losing weight,my goal was to get below 13st,by the end of the year. And to go to San Francisco. Well 2020,has not turned out the way I planned,with COVID-19. And the uncertainty it has brought,where I still not certain I will a job in 2021. Thou as of Nov2019. I have got down to 14 1/2stone.

My goal for 2021,is to get down to below 13st. No matter what happens at my job. Hopefully I will still have my health. Losing weight may help control my diabetes,and lose the shroud surrounding me and I can find self confidence,and friendship and hopefully in the spring of 2022,go to San Francisco. Yes the future in uncertainty,yet I shall face it with a smile,well most of the time anyway. I know I will still have my set backs,and indeed still fall into the pit of depression from time to time. The most important thing,is to have belief in my self and accept,that shyness for better or worst,will continue be a part of my life,it is who I am.