#it's going to be freezing temps at night again in less than a week

[starkissedbaby]

pairings — draco/reader | captive au! | “_ _ = Y/N |

word count: 6k 😯

sypnosis: you were a captive in the war, captured by one of the most vicious death eaters. his wife goes on a trip, unable to comfort him as he fails another mission. when he gets drunk..and pays a visit to your room…things take a drastic turn.

warnings: dirty smut at the end, angst, cheating, infidelity, mostly proof read, fingering, oral

authors note: this is based on my fanfic on wattpad, but it’s wayyyyy darker on there so if u f with this or want a part two check out my book cuz i only do one-shots on here whoops. but if lots of ppl want a part 2 then mayb cuz i love this plot. its called dissonant if ur interested ! okok enjoy byee

© elliotsblunt 2022. do not repost, modify, or translate.

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You tapped your nails against the cool chains tightened around your neck—the end being attached to the corner part of the wall. A yawn tore from your lips, arching your back as you sat up from the sheet less mattress. There had been only one blanket, which you used to cover yourself due to it being the freezing temps of winter. A long peasant white gown was your attire on the daily, hair shielded away from your features in a high ponytail.

Being a captive in the Malfoy household hadn’t been as horrible as it sounded. You kept to yourself, always in the room, only reason being here because you were forced to prove Astoria Greengrass company.

She was kind, yes. But she had a horrible spending problem, if you recall correctly from the married couple’s arguments. His voice would boom throughout the manor, but she would just shush him and go on with her night. And on top of that, the only thing she would talk about is herself and her accomplishments. No one could stand her. Which is why you had to be her friend, by force.

As you combed your hair with one Astoria had given you, one of her old ones, you hummed to yourself. It had been purple with white gems glued onto the handle. Placing it onto the wooden desk inside your room, you flinched as a knock sounded at the door.

“Come in,” you muttered quietly.

Astoria stepped inside with her glossy red heels. A red dress, with puffed short sleeves—wrapped around her thin waist. A red lipstick painted smile curved onto her lips, “Hello, dear,” she sighed, the scent of perfume filling the area. Her large blue eyes flickered to you, “I shall be leaving for a a few days. It’s fashion week in Paris,” she explained, an excited tone laced in her voice.

You faked shock. You could care less. You had to be stuck here, anyways. Away from your family.

“Wow, that’s amazing!” You decided to sweeten it up a bit, grabbing her hands and sending her a tight smile. “Do tell me allll about it when you come back.”

“Of course, dear.” Astoria’s eyes flashed with approval. Pulling her hands away from yours, you spotted her wiping her palms onto her dress whilst nervously laughing. Irritation rumbled in your chest, your smile twitching but staying on your face, “Now—don’t miss me too much. And try to do something with that hair of yours, darling. You’re a woman, embrace it!”

You held back an eye roll as she clapped her hands, “Very well! Au revoir, Janet!”

Janet. The name that she had given you. You didn’t realize how shallow she had been until now. Her hips swayed as the door shut behind her, leaving you alone once again. Her perfume lingered, causing your nose to wrinkle. She treated you like a peasant, not even asking what your real name had been. She didn’t even care.

She probably thought she was better than you. Just because of her high status and designer handbags. And with those snobby remarks of here, how could anyone stand her?

Rain pattered against the window of your room. It was fairly large, your mattress lodged in the corner. A green window pane was used as one of the walls—leaving a refreshing outlook to the room. You sat against it now, hand pressed against the cool glass as you counted the droplets.

The lock clicked to unlock your door. You snapped your head to see someone walking inside. Well,

…falling more like.

The drunken man, who reeked of alcohol, happened to be Draco Malfoy. Your captor. The Mind Reaper.

He infiltrated people’s minds, using their fears to kill and torture them. It was absolutely cruel, but it also meant he had been a very gifted Legilimens. You had never seen his face before, though. Always covered by a red skull mask, unlike now. He hadn’t been covered in blood, and looked the complete opposite of threatening.

His blonde strands fell over his eyes. Red rings around his eyes, his sharp features almost making him look unreal. A black t-shirt tightened around his bulging biceps, probably twice the size of yours. His muscular thighs were hidden by a pair of black jeans, a silver chain glinting beneath the faint torch light.

“Fuck,” he growled, accidentally ripping the door handle off as he used it for leverage to get back onto his feet. You gasped as he tossed it behind him, into the hallway. Narrowing those stormy, baby blue eyes at you. “Well, well, well. Why do I keep a pretty little thing like you locked away in here?”

You gulped. Didn’t he have a wife? Had they fought again? But from the look in his eyes, he wasn’t even thinking about her, studying your figure. He had only interacted with you once, when he had captured you. But he had a mask on, and was also sober. Every since that day, Draco stayed clear from you.

But he now had barged into your room, telling you he wanted you. This mysterious man with protruding muscles and a sadistic smirk had kidnapped you. It turned you on, for some reason. It was shameless. Out of the months you’ve been here, you finally felt excitement. Even if he had been a mass murderer.

But he was a horrible person. You couldn’t betray your moral ground. He had killed thousands of The Order members.

“Would you fancy a drink?” Draco raised a brow, stepping closer to you. Slowly approaching. You licked your lips as your chest rose, “Scratch that. You’re my property—and I order you to have a drink.”

The tension doubled, room shifting to a different energy. It felt like he had been a predator, waving his hand to hold another bottle of whatever he had been drinking. Fire Whiskey printer on the bottle in golden letters. He handed it to you, “Go on.”

Your eyes flew to the bottle, then flickered back to the man before you. His smirk had been sadistic, yet so alluring. His eyes looked expectant.

“I—“

“Go. On.”

He repeated, his smirk fading. Being replaced by a firm look, piercing eyes boring into yours. “If you hate my bitch of a wife as much as I do, you’ll drink with me.”

Without a second thought, your hand shot out and grabbed the bottle. Draco watched with glinting eyes. Whipping your head back, you let the acidic tasting liquid slide down your throat without ease. Coughs followed after.

You heard clapping. “Good girl!”

The praise made your thighs clench. A severe wave of heat sparked into you lower area, keeping your distance between the both of you. “One more for me.”

You wanted to protest. But the way his teeth sunk into his plump bottom lip, with lit up eyes, slightly hooded with something unknown swirling in them. Your chest felt like it had dived off a thirty story building with the look he was currently giving you.

Clearing you throat, you nodded, before taking another swig. This time you kept coughing, Draco taking the drink from you as the alcohol left a sour trail down your throat. Deep, guttural chuckles rumbled from his chest.

“You obey me so well,” he muttered, running a large hand through his strands. “Rather have married you than that cunt. A blood traitor is more tolerable than a pitiful existence like her.”

You didn’t say anything, staring at him with wide eyes. He sloshed around the alcohol in his hand before bringing it back to his lips. His sharp jawline became your view, the sight of him pouring the alcohol down his throat without flinching and then back to smirking at you making you even more turned on. You had never seen someone so..manly.

Perhaps you could seduce him. To convince him to let you leave. It appeared he was extremely keen with you, a hungry look in his eyes. You needed to get back to your family, wondering if they had even been alive. The thought haunted you.

It had only been your father and sister. Your entire life. And you never fought, you weren’t much of a fighter in the war. But your sister was, and when she got injured out on the field—you ran from the bunker underground to help her. Unfortunately, by the time you had gotten to her, a Death Eater got a hold of you. You shouted for her to run, which is what she did.

She ran.

And left you.

You both knew you couldn’t leave your father alone for himself. It was a mutual agreement in the matter of seconds.

Besides, your sister was far more valuable than you. It was for the best. You risked your life for your family, and you would’ve done it again. And again.

“How do you stand her?” Draco questioned, setting the bottle down onto the desk. His fingers swept across the furnace as he titled his head towards you, knitting his brows. “You must be a sweet little thing, huh?”

“I’m not sure if this is appropriate. Madam isn’t here,” you finally spoke up, your words hypocritical to how you actually felt. You couldn’t possibly be a home wrecker. “I think it’d be best—“

Feeling a strong hand grab your throat, all in one moment, you cried out as your back slammed against the wall. Cool, silver fingers that shined under the moonlight melted against your flesh. With bulged eyes, you breathing stuttered as Draco chuckled darkly. His scent of faint cologne and musk wafted up your nostrils.

“You’re so loyal to her. How cute. If only you knew how horrid she speaks of you.”

You blinked at him. “What…kind of things?”

Your voice had came out quiet. Small. Considering his bulky hand was still wrapped around your throat, barely squeezing. His eyes flashed to your lips before meeting yours.

A wolfish smirk crossed his features, “How you’re a no good mute—and she feels sorry for how ugly and poor you appear. She believes her presence gets infected with yours, so she even showers then meditates after your meetings. One time, she even asked me to fetch a new girl to forcefully befriend her. And when I told her you’d most likely be killed…”

His smirk grew.

“..she told me that you could meet her in hell.”

Your jaw clenched at his words.

That…bitch!

You had been nothing but kind to her, and she talks shit to her husband about you? How could anyone tolerate this woman?

An unhealthy amount of rage consumed through you. Your eyes only saw red. You didn’t think she liked you that much, but to talk so crudely about you and not even blink an eye if death was thrown your way. When she had the power to save your life. It made you feel used—pathetic.

Your body slightly shook. The alcohol began to warm your body, a slight buzz growing in the center of your brain. Your vision became more glossy and bright, a pulsing in your lower abdomen growing as Draco looked down at you.

He must’ve been six foot something, your shoulders reaching his abdomen. Slightly hunching so he can be eye level with you, he faked worry, “Oh? You don’t like her very much anymore do you?”

The feeling was growing. Lips inches away from yours, hot breath fanning your face. His throat fell to your cheek.

“You smell divine.”

“That’s not the topic of discussion.”

“But it’s still a topic I’d like to delve into,” he murmered, leaning in to whisper into your ear. Shivers ran down your spine as his smooth voice filled your senses, “Tell me, _ _, are you as innocent as you seem?”

He knew your name.

And his question, it made you tingle.

“How—“ You breathed,

“How do you know my name?”

Another chuckle blessed your ears. Your anger had flooded away, feeling sensitive everywhere. Goosebumps covered your neck as a pair of soft lips gently pecked the side of it. Shutting your eyes, a soft moan played in the room.

His fingers dove back behind your neck, pushing you against him. Draco’s hips dug into yours, a hard bulge rubbing against your core. It caused another moan to slip as he soothed the ache between your legs. Teeth sinking into your skin, your hand flew to his shoulder for support, “Oh!”

And then his lips trailed up your neck, using his other hand to grab your ass. He smacked it before pushing you onto him, being able to feel his chiseled body under his clothes. So much adrenaline. Like if you had pulled away from him, you would get burned.

And you didn’t want to get burned.

Your legs opened for him as he lifted you, your back against the wall once again as he held you in his arms. Your arms wrapped around his neck, grinding against him with whimpers and cries being muffled against his relentless lips as he slammed his against yours.

A hint taste of cigarettes and alcohol was what you tasted. His warm tongue swiped across your bottom lip, before taking a nip. He growled at as you cried out, pulling his strands. He sucked gently on the sore area before shoving his tongue inside.

“Been wanting to do this since I first saw you. That’s why I took you,” he groaned against you. A sharp thrust against your core, his cock deliciously rubbing against you, made your eyes roll back. “You were always going to be mine. Ever since I saw you on that battlefield, _ _. I just had to have you.”

His words should’ve disgusted you. Repulsed you. But they didn’t, they made the wetness grow between your thighs inside your gown. But it did slap you back to reality.

He was married.

And this was wrong.

You couldn’t.

“Stop,” you breathed, opening your eyes. Draco pulled away, narrowing his eyes. Your hands flew to his chest, pushing him away. Your feet landed on the floor as the man furrowed his brows, “I’m sorry. I just—I can’t do this. You’re drunk—“

He stepped away. Without a word. You watched as he swallowed thickly, letting out a sigh before glancing at the window.

“Forgive me. This was a mistake,” he muttered, rubbing his eyes. He didn’t look at you, a stoic expression crossing his features as he cleared his throat and walked out the door. It didn’t close properly, a door knob missing, but you were sure Draco knew you weren’t planning on leaving your room.

Well, that was quick. You were almost bummed he gave up so quickly.

Astoria had been gone for a few days now. You staid in your room, so no, you hadn’t seen Draco either.

You weren’t sure when she was coming back, but whatever had happened between Draco and you must have been a one time thing—because he never came to your room again. The door had been unlocked, the knob never being fixed. Which confused you, because if Draco wanted to he would’ve.

And so, after four days, you decided to explore.

Stepping out horrified you. After being here a few months, you never managed to step outside. There had always been a lock. But now, you were free to do what you pleased. You couldn’t escape, unfortunately, due to their being wards and charms casted around the house.

But exploring was better than nothing.

You were tired of sitting in your room.

And so you wandered. A long black hall, filled with paintings of all sorts. One room was lit at the end, a light illuminating the open door. It smelled of burning wood, realizing a fire place must’ve been left on. It smelled wonderful. Holding up the ends to your white peasant gown, with peering eyes, you carefully made your way to the light.

As you reached closer, your hands slid on the walls. A smooth, non-rough paint was applied on them, a black color. It made the manor look much more creepy at night.

Tilting your head, you craned your neck to peek past the doorframe.

And that’s when you almost gasped.

Covering your other hand on your mouth, your eyes continued to watch as Draco Malfoy pleasured himself on his office chair. As you presumed, a fireplace was in the center wall. A bottle of Fire Whiskey, the one you drank from, was on the desk along with a laptop.

Glasses rested on the desk, discarded and forgotten whilst his large hand tugged at his pink cock. The tip was flushed, blonde patches of curls at the bottom. It looked delicious as pre-cum dribbled out the thick head, peeking out his hand everytime his wrist flicked.

You licked your lips, knowing you were going to touch yourself later to this. Draco’s head had been thrown back, low deep moans passing those parted, plump lips of his. You craved them against your mouth again.

This had been wrong, but you didn’t care. Not at this moment.

And then his moans began to quicken. A white button up with his sleeves rolled up halfway, was now half way unbuttoned as his strands once again fell over his eyes. You noticed his abs, glistened in sweat, begin to clench as he neared his high.

“Fuck, _ _.”

Your name fell from his lips. You couldn’t believe your eyes, cheeks turning pink like his cock as he began to come. White ribbons shot from his head as he tossed his head back, showing off his adams apple. Your core had been drenched at this point, a sticky mixture of your juices moistening your inner thighs.

You wanted to go in there and lick the cum off his tip, hopping onto his cock and making him cum again. His large, strong hands gripping your ass as he guided you with praises in your ear. Thick fingers wrapped around your throat, making you—

“_ _?”

Your eyes snapped open, locking eyes with Draco. He had a small smirk playing on his lips, cum still on his stomach, as you jumped in your spot.

“I’m so—sorry!”

Blurting out the words, you spun around and retreated back to your room. You were never exploring again.

You had been absolutely morrified.

Not only had you walked in on Draco touching himself, you had also touched yourself afterwards. Later that night you shook on your fingers, wishing they were his—guilt consuming your chest. The sight of his cum spurting from the tip, head thrown back as groans left his throat burned your brain.

Another few days had rolled by. Not a knock at the door, until Astoria had returned. You had to remain on good graces with her, otherwise she could have you possibly killed. Just like Draco had mentioned. She held the authority.

So when she came into your room, knocking of course..you began to panic. You didn’t know how to face her, when a couple nights prior you had shamelessly kissed her husband. In this very room. Drunken and sloppy. But it had also been the best kiss you ever had, without a doubt. You could taste his scent on your lips, hands squeezing your as—

“Janet!” She called, “I hope you’re decent. I’m coming in,” she didn’t wait for you to reply. You were standing in front of the door, with wide eyes, and a tight lipped smile. Your cheeks felt like they had been on fire. Astoria’s brows rose, “Darling! How much did you miss me?”

You held back bile. You wanted to slap that smile off her boney features, “Very much so.”

She giggled, clapping her hands. “It was amazing, dear. The flight was a bit long, and I was absolutely fami—“

You zoned out at her words as she began to provide details of her trip you couldn’t care less about. Keeping a simple smile on your lips, you couldn’t help but imagine Draco kissing her. Had they been intimate? Surely not recently if he had been touching himself. And he had said your name, not hers.

You felt your chest swell with pride.

Even with all her makeup, dresses, and fancy perfumes—Draco wanted you. The prisoner who hadn’t touched makeup in ages and wore the same dress everyday. It was washed of course, three times a week by the house elves. You had two of them, the dresses. And as for the house eleves, you never ran into them. They usually left your food at the door but that was about it.

And by the time they dropped off the food, they would apparate away with a crack.

You wondered if what Draco told you what Astoria had said about you was true. But you could believe it, noticing an empty look behind those eyes of hers. It almost seemed eery how invested into herself she was, the more she talked—the worse it became.

No wonder Draco thought she was a cunt.

After a few more minutes, she finished finally. “—but yes—thank you for asking. I had a wonderful time as expected.”

You didn’t ask.

Astoria furrowed her perfectly plucked brows, “Darling…have you bruised your neck?”

Your eyes bulged.

Covering the hickey, you stuttered as cold waves of ice kept washing over you. “I—uh—well, you see Madam, I was looking out the window and slipped like the idiot I am. And my neck, it—crushed into the window ledge.”

That was the worst fucking lie you ever gave.

But for an airhead like Astoria, it worked.

She hummed, “I see. Perhaps we should schedule a screening test for your brain. It appears your growing worse with your words,” she smiled sweetly at you. Your nostrils flared as she patted your shoulder. “Anywho—I shall surprise Draco now. He doesn’t know I’m back yet.”

Biting back a curse, she sent you one more look before shutting the door behind her. And that was when you noticed—

The door still hasn’t been fixed. And she didn’t even notice.

With an angry grunt, you stalked over to the mattress. Lifting it, you uncovered the original bottle Draco had left in here before he had stormed out. You hadn’t drank since, but decided to wash away the anger this devil of a woman kept causing you. How could someone be so—

Ugh!

Throwing your head back, the alcohol burned your lips and throat as it slid down. Staring out the window, you blinked as the world began to grow more clear once again around you.

Everything had been glossy. Shiny. Moving in fast forward. How many shots had you taken?

Five..? Six…?

And everytime you kept thinking about Draco, and those plump pink lips of those—you took another shot. Gagging and coughing out. Until the bottle had finished.

“Fuck,” you whispered to yourself, forehead leaning against the chilled glass. Your core had been pulsing again. Alcohol seemed to make you care less about consequences, and more about what you got in the moment. And currently, you wanted to fuck the shit out of your captor.

Draco Malfoy.

Flashes of his hands running across your figure flickered in your mind. The way his voice spoke your name. Abs drenched in his cum. You wanted to cling onto his large bicep as he slipped his face between your thighs, devouring every inch of you until you turned to ash. To feel his hair between your fingers as your heels dug into his shoulders, begging for his cock.

Tossing the empty bottle onto your mattress, your drunken mind sought to find the blonde. It had been night time, and you didn’t care if Astoria was with him. It would be a plus if the bitch could watch.

Everything wobbled. You kept your hands on the wall as you made your way down to his office. The office door had been closed, so you finally noticed the large wooden platform. It had gold accents in the corners, and noises came from behind it. In your drunken mind, you could’ve sworn they were moans.

And then more.

Pressing your ear to the door, a woman began to cry out, “Yes! Faster!”

Your heart twitched.

Draco had been fucking her.

When he was supposed to be fucking you.

And like a fool, you had finally realized he only missed his wife. He probably had an argument before with her before she went to Paris, and now that she was back, he could have her again. Most likely made up with sex.

You hated that bitch.

But you hated him more.

You were glad you didn’t have sex with him. He had been The Mind Reaper after all. He wasn’t a good, honest person at all. He would kill people with their deepest, darkest thoughts. A man like that couldn’t possibly care about anyone other than himself.

How could you have forgotten?

A knock sounded at your door.

Standing up from looking out the window, you decided to open it. And your mouth almost dropped.

“Draco!”

His eyes slightly widened. Holding a finger to his lips towards you, he grabbed your arm before pulling you out your room. You remained quiet, with a pissed and confused look, as he stepped inside his office down the hall and slammed the door behind the two of you.

Furrowing your brows, you stared at him as he released his grip on your arm. You heard Astoria’s heels click against the wooden floor of the manor, annoyance creeping within you. Draco had on his all black suit, appearing he had just returned from business. “What the hell are you doing? She’ll find us.”

“You don’t leave your room. I didn’t fix the lock on purpose,” he replied with a stern tone, earning a scoff from you. He looked a bit taken aback at your demeanor as you placed your hands on your hips. Draco clenched his jaw, “For your sake, I hope that was a sigh and not an attitude.”

You remained silent, unable to hold his piercing stare. He could crack a glass with one glare. Feeling small beneath him, you simply aimed to spin around and walk away. But when you reached for the knob, his chest slammed into your back. His hand flew to your chest to stop you from falling against the door, pulling you into him as his lips graze your ear, “Why do you keep fighting it? I know you saw me, dove.”

He held amusement in his voice, large hands gently squeezing both of your breasts through your gown. You shook your head, knowing he had just touched that wench just before you. You turned your body to face Draco and pushed him off, him not even stumbling back. His eyes did form into daggers though, sending you a scowl.

“What do you take me for?”

Draco was unamused. His upper lip curled, “I beg your pardon?”

“You like having multiple women, is that it? For different times of the day?” The words held a sour taste in your mouth, stepping back from him. Draco stared at you intently with a blank, firm look. “After saying such horrid things about your wife—I figured you hated her—“

“I do hate her,” Draco hissed.

“Oh really? Was that before or after you fucked her right here in this office?”

“Impossible.”

“Oh? Really? How so?”

“Because—my wife and I haven’t had sex in ten months,” Draco growled, grabbing you by the throat. A gasp tore from your lips as he captured them with his. His taste was sweet and held a hint of whiskey, as well as that familiar sprinkle of cigarettes. It was warm and rough, sending you sparks of arousal down to your core.

He bit your lower lip, smirking down at you. “I’d rather come to my hand thinking of you then lay with my wife—as you can tell. Perhaps you are a stupid girl.”

And then he was back on you. Holding your small face in his huge hands, forcing your lips onto his. Both of your tongues swirling against one another. Your feet felt like they weren’t even on the ground, wrapped in his warmth as he savors your taste.

“Draco!”

He ignored the call of his wife, peppering kisses down your neck. Your hair fell to his strands as he kissed down your gown, handing the bottom to you. You blushed as your fingers gripped the fabric, his eyes falling onto your pussy. He appeared to be an animal, licking his lips and pupils growing dark and wide.

No one had ever been down there before. Not like that.

Seeing a man as powerful as him at his knees, felt absolutely euphoric. Your chest swelled as he looked up at you through his lashes, setting kisses on your hip bones. Your flesh lit on fire as he neared you core, until he pecked your pelvis.

“Shall I feel you come undone on my tongue, dove?”

You could’ve came during that moment. A knock sounded at the door, causing you to flinch. “Draco? Honey?”

He delivered a flat stripe up your pussy, reaching the clit to suck on. Your eyes bulged, and without thinking—a moan fell past your lips.

Radio silence rang on the other side. Draco didn’t seem to care his wife had heard you, more happy to have heard the banging stopped. Your brows furrowed as your fingers dove into his hair, hips leaning into his mouth, “Draco,” you breathed, his warm tongue licking at your bud. “Draco I think she heard us.”

He hummed, grabbing one of the rings on this fingers before letting it fall to the floor. And then slipped it inside—sending you a wink.

“Moan for me. That bitch fucked some bloke in my office, so I want you to fucking scream my name.”

His words were naughty and cold, finger stretching your walls. As it sunk into your dripping pussy, you felt your walls stretch, “Ah! Draco!—“

“THE PRISONER? DRACO! DRACO!”

He chuckled against you, the cool medal of his rings inside your hot pussy feeling absolutely delicious. Plump lips wrapped around your swollen, abused clit. You began to thrust your juices onto him, riding his tongue while his wife continued to bang outside the door. You were surprised she hadn’t broken it down by now, a hint of guilt hitting you. But it fled away quickly as you squealed on his awaiting tongue.

Your tits jiggled as you bounced. He added a second finger, eyes locked on yours, “Just like that! Oh my god—fuck. It feels so good, Draco.”

He smirked, licking your pussy up and down. Astoria screamed, the pounding growing harder. Your eyes almost crossed as he kept licking from your entrance to your clit, repeating the motion. You grabbed your breasts, pinching your nipples, as Draco’s hand held your ass to push your pussy onto him.

His other hand was busy fingering you, “You like when I eat this little pussy, dove? It tastes so fucking sweet—I might catch a toothache.”

Your giggle turned into a cry as he added a third finger, stretching you out more. Your eyes squeezed shut, “Draco! I’m gonna—Oh!”

He growled against you.

“Let me taste it, _ _. Fucking let me have it,” it was almost animalistic. Your hands pushed his head away, but he kept a firm grip, ravishing your pussy as he slurped loudly.

His fingers mixed with his tongue sucking on your pulsing clit threw you into your climax, jolting above him as your hips stuttered.

“I’m coming! Draco? I—“

“That’s if. Ignore her, and focus on my tongue.”

And you screamed. If the door had been made of glass, it would have shattered and broke down. Your stomach clenched as you released everything onto his tongue, your orgasm almost knocking you over. If he hadn’t been holding you from behind, you would have. When it slowly began to fade out, Draco tapped your thigh. “Hop on, dove.”

Smirking, you let him pick you up and lead your way to the desk. Astoria had continued to pound on the door, her screams turning to cries. You were surprised she hadn’t stopped. Draco gently laid you on his desk, spreading your legs and sliding between them.

Your bruised lips parted, panting with red cheeks as you observed Draco. His blazer was tossed onto the chair, lifting his black t-shirt to reveal his muscular torso. Every ab was sharp, so sharp you were sure they could cut you. Black ink trained across his entire chest, as well as the back of his neck and hipbones. Your body turned warm as he removed his trousers, revealing his huge cock.

His skin was so fair, as if he hadn’t even been human. Like a doll, absolutely unreal.

You wanted to trace his tattoos, but the ache in your eyes had been urgent. And with the animalistic lust he had been looking at you with, you knew he felt the same.

His soft, yet cold skin pressed against yours as he knelt down to kiss you again. Grabbing your thighs, your behind hung off the desk as he didn’t waste time. Both of you moaned in unison as he his cock stretched inside you for the first time, his head slowly inching inside.

“Fuck,” he growled, watching his cock spear your pussy with stormy eyes. “Cunt so warm and tight.”

Astoria had finally stopped shouting, most likely either left or listening. Whichever it had been—you didn’t care.

Draco was inside you, using his grip on your thighs to fuck your harder. His eyes pierced into yours, a wicked smile hanging off his swollen lips as he watched you cry out ever few seconds. Your hands grabbed his forearm as he continued to plow into you. His cock felt large inside you, almost ripping you apart.

Pleasure began to consume you.

Your mind was hazy.

“Yes! Yes! Yes!”

“Yeah, baby? Yeah?”

“Oh,” your eyes crossed as he grabbed your throat, completely fucking you onto him. Your cries and squeals intensified, as well as the burning wave in your pussy. Your body began to shake as he reached deeper inside, almost exploding from ecstasy. Draco kissed your heels as you came down.

And then it slapped you in the face. Your orgasm blindsided you, Draco watching you with hooded eyes as you creamed on his cock. Praising you with how wonderful you looked shivering on top of him, he gave you a kiss before grabbing you. Carrying you to his chair, he sat down as you remained in his lap. Hands still on your ass, he peered up at you with admiration, “Put it in, _ _. Let me tell you come on my dick again.”

Your body jolted as you nodded, eagerly placing your feet on the chair before slipping his head inside. He grabbed your back, holding your hands behind you as he began to thrust up into you, “How’s that baby? Am I fucking you good enough?”

“Yes!” You screamed, clawing at his back as your pussy spasmed from his speed. “Draco! I’m going to come again soon!”

“Sounds like a fucking plan,” he spat while continuing to pound you. He had also been growing close to you—you could tell. His chest began to clench as he held you in his arms, completely ravishing your figure. “I’m going to come too, dove. In this tight fucking pussy.”

“Draco, we aren’t marr—“

“Shut the fuck up,” he growled, thumb reaching your clit. Your eyes widened down at him as he smirked wickedly. “Why don’t you just come for me and give me those pretty little moans again?”

And that’s exactly what you did.

Hot flashes shot through you, and if he hadn’t been holding your body against his—you would’ve toppled over onto the ground. His cock rubbed your walls as your orgasm flew you threw the roof, sobbing out against his lips.

He came with a shout, looking down at your push as his brows furrowed. You felt warm cum deep into your pussy as Draco finished inside you.

“Your wife,” you panted, smirking down at him. Your hands landed on his chest as he pecked your breast, sweet dripping down his forehead. “—is a lucky woman.”

[beatricethecat2]

"This is nice," Myka says, sipping her beer while surveying the bar.

"Consuming alcohol in a public house?" Helena asks.

"Yeah," Myka says, eyes angling down as she picks at her label. "Working with Pete...this wasn't a thing I could do much. Then Steve and I had a drink here, and I remembered what it was like. I used to go on my own in DC just to unwind. Feels like a lifetime ago."

“In many ways it was," Helena says, idly stiring the ice left in her drink. "Could you ever have imagined the company you now keep?"

"I don't think so," Myka says, shifting closer to Helena. "But I like it, a lot. Doing this with you feels...normal. Two people, spending time together, not a care in the world."

"You care for nought?" Helena says, fingers tracing a line from Myka's thumb to her wrist where her hand rests on her thigh.

"Ok, one care," Myka says, eyes flicking up to meet Helena's. "Hey, I know that look. We said we'd stay for the band tonight, not just hole up in our room."

"Is there not another band tomorrow?"

"Yeah, but we said we'd stay for this one." Myka slips her hand from Helena's.

"As you wish," Helena says, settling back on her stool, frustration evident in her tone.

"More drinks, ladies?" the bartender says. "The band's about to start."

"I shall need one," Helena grouses.

"Stop being dramatic," Myka snips.

"Fine," Helena snaps. "Bourbon. Neat. Top shelf, please," she instructs the bartender.

"Comin' right up." The bartender steps away to complete the order.

"Oh, we're getting drunk now, are we?" Myka quips.

"When in Rome..."

"I'd actually like to see that, a drunk H.G. Wells," Myka says, poking Helena in the arm.

Helena flinches. "You may very well if you keep behaving as such."

"Seriously though, when's the last time you drank enough to let your guard down, even a little."

"In the company of others? Not in recent memory. And you?"

"Same."

"Here you go," the bartender interrupts, setting the tumbler on a napkin in front of Helena. "Another beer?" she asks Myka.

"You know what? I'll have the same." Myka waves her bottle at Helena's drink.

"Cavalier, Ms. Bering."

"We'll keep each other in check. We deserve to get super tipsy, at least."

"Color me intrigued."

The band strikes its first cord just as Myka's drink arrives. She tugs Helena's arm, and they relocate to a table near the stage.

-----------------

The Adventures of Bering and Wells ("Warehouse 13" Season 5 replacement) Season 1: Episode 4 Title: New Orleans: Laissez les bon temps rouler!

Summary: Myka and Helena follow whim rather than duty, driving south, detouring around Washington DC, avoiding a second emotional rabbit hole so early on. After a wi-fi-free week in a cabin, deep in the Blue Ridge Mountains, they feel ready to tackle urban density again. ("The Rockies are better," Myka declares. "We'll go there, too.) Vowing to stay as touristy as possible, the pair head towards history-filled New Orleans. But far too soon their carefree trip hits a snag and they're in need of Warehouse help.

Previously: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3

-----------------

***BONUS SCENE***

"Exactly how touristy have you been?" Abigail asks.

"Pretty touristy," Myka answers.

"Practically flâneurs," Helena says, grinning as Myka looks up at her with sparkly eyes.

"Well, that narrows it down," Steve mutters, typing into the keyboard. "Let's start with your hotel. Why'd you pick the carriage house?"

"The lack of adjoining suite and the king-sized bed."

"Helena!" Myka smacks Helena on the arm. "Because it's cute and charming."

"So this ghost isn't listed on their website? Wedding dress woman, Civil War soldier, dancing patio woman?" Steve asks.

"No. And the manager hadn't recognized the description I gave," Helena explains.

"So not all ghosts," Abigail says.

"If seeing them is normal," Myka says.

"Let's say the ones on their website are but H.G.'s isn't," Steve says.

"Are we to assume I've been 'whammied' then?" Helena says.

"You freeze in place. I have to shake you out of it," Myka explains.

"Perhaps I'm studying the phenomenon."

"You're never that still. It's creepy."

"Then I think we should consider it," Abigail says.

"Where else have you been?" Steve asks.

"Um, everywhere?" Myka answers. "That blacksmith's bar you and I went to. And The Gas and Lights Museum--"

"Such memories. So many details wrong," Helena gibes.

"On a carriage ride--"

"Highway robbery! Sixty-five dollars for a turn around the park. And not in the least authentic."

"You said it was nice!"

"I said it was familiar. The sound of it took me back," Helena says.

"I thought you'd like it." Myka leans back and looks up at Helena questioningly.

"I enjoyed the company quite thoroughly," Helena says, laying her hands on Myka's shoulders and grinning down at her fondly.

"Aww," Steve coos.

"Did anything about the carriage ride scream 'lady ghost will now appear at will?" Abigail asks.

"Not to my knowledge," Helena says.

"We also went to the Pharmacy Museum. And on a steamboat ride," Myka adds.

"Not that I'd have stepped foot on that death trap without proof of modern safety precautions. In my day, they exploded frequently," Helena explains.

"Ok...let's start with the Pharmacy Museum," Abigail says as Steve types. "Could this woman have afforded a doctor?"

"She often appears in her Sunday best, but also in, shall we say...less. She didn't strike me as particularly monied."

"Did she look sort of vampire-ish?" Steve asks. "I'm reading that people with consumption were rumored to be vampires due to how the disease aged them."

"I'm familiar with that premise, and no, this woman was not withering away."

"Could she have died on a steamboat?" Abigail asks.

"She doesn't give off that sense. There's a calm about her. She's not in danger."

"Let's try another angle. The neighborhood you're staying in, Storyville, claims to be the birthplace of jazz," Abigail says, reading over Steve's shoulder. "Maybe she's related to that?"

"Myka took me to hear this 'jazz,' and I can't say I was at all impressed."

"I like it. Steve does, too. You really hated it?" Myka asks.

"The bleat of the saxophone evokes vaudeville for me."

"Play her some Charlie Parker. Or John Coltrane. That might change her mind," Steve suggests.

"Does this relate to our ghost?" Abigail presses.

"I don't see a connection," Helena answers. "Her dress is previous to that of jazz, of an age closer to my own."

"Storyville was once a legal bordello district," Steve explains. "The whole neighborhood was shut down in 1917. So maybe she's from then?"

"That makes sense," Myka says.

"Do you see her inside or outside?" Abigail asks.

"Thus far, outside."

"But," Myka protests, "last night, when we were...t-the blindfold, you said 'just in case.'"

"Did that not heighten our activities?"

"That's not the point. I can't believe you--"

"Punish me later, darling--"

"Why don't you two hash this out, and we'll get back to you," Abigail suggests.

"Wait, is this her?" Steve asks.

Steve shares a black and white photo of a woman, seated outdoors, in front of a makeshift white backdrop, her hair styled into a modest, shoulder-length coif. Her linen top, trimmed with lace, hangs off one shoulder, and a string of pearls adorns her neck. Her lipstick, rendered as a middle grey, matches the kohl lining her eyes, giving her a soft, silent movie-era look.

"Hm, possibly."

"Here's another."

Helena leans further over Myka's shoulder, looking closely at the image. "Yes, I believe that is her."

"That's, um, really off the shoulder. Shoulders..." Myka says. "Isn't that kind of racy for the time?"

"Quite tame compared to some. Her expression is unusual, contemplative almost, recalling solemn greek statues rather than the usual fodder meant to titillate men's desires."

"How would you know?"

"One encounters all sorts of materials as a Warehouse agent," Helena says with a smirk.

"As an agent. Uh-huh."

"Listen to this," Steve interrupts, "these prints were made from a stash of glass negatives found locked in a desk drawer years after the photographer died. Many are of Adele, the woman you're seeing, but there are other women, too. They were shot in the 1910s, but these prints were made in the '60s. If there were any original prints, they were never found."

"May I see the images again?"

Steve cycles through and adds a few more, one depicting a roll-down desk with a shrine of photos arranged above, all of women, vignetted portraits and romantic depictions of the female form more typical for the time.

"Not sure if that last one is related. But it says it's by the same photographer."

"Could you send that one over? I'd like to look more closely."

"Sure."

Myka trades places with Helena, and Helena clicks the link. She enlarges the photo and inspects the array of images.

"I vaguely recall flicking through a basket in a shop with ephemera such as this. Perhaps this ghost woman was amongst it, but printed in a manner such as the images depicted here."

"So you're saying the photo in the shop might be a photo from this photo?"

"That is what I'm hypothesizing."

"So when you see her, you freeze like you're her photograph trapped in this photograph."

"Or perhaps I am her, caught in the decisive moment of the image being captured."

"That's really meta," Steve says.

"No matter what, neutralizing that photo should do the trick," Abigail suggests. "Heck, neutralize everything in the basket, just in case."

"Do you remember which shop you were in?" Steve asks.

"My recollection is hazy at best due to the copious amount of drink someone encouraged me to consume the evening previously."

Helena looks at Myka and scowls. Myka looks back, endearingly.

"I don't get hangovers."

"Lucky you," Helena quips.

"I hope you find it soon," Steve says, "because being happy looks good on both of you. You should get back to that."

"Thank you, Steve. And thank you, Abigail, for all your help," Helena says.

"Anytime," Abigail says.

"Have a great trip. Send some postcards!" Steve says.

"What a marvelous idea," Helena replies.

"Isn't flicking through postcards how we got here?" Myka warns.

"Shall you pre-screen everything I touch from now on?"

"Maybe I should--"

"We're hanging up now," Abigail says.

The screen goes blank as Myka and Helena devlove further into playful bickering.

*End Scene*

-TBC-

NOTES: "Laissez les bon temps rouler!" is Cajun French for "Let the good times roll." In season four, Steve and Myka go New Orleans and both say they like jazz, so I'm not making that up. I see Myka as more of fan of popular tunes - Billy Holiday, Duke Ellington, Nat King Cole, etc., whereas Steve would know the genre through and through (and try as he might, never gets Claudia quite on board with it all). The photographer is E. J. Bellocq - I was going to incorporate that more, but the politics behind photos I mentioned is...complicated. I want this B&W show to focus on our ladies journey, artifacts are side-plot motivations. But if you're interested, look him up, and I suggest reading both Susan Sontag and Nan Goldin's essays for some clarity on why the images hold the status they do. From the research I've done, his images are plastered all over Storyville businesses, so if you've been there, you've seen at least one. Oh and I had a roommate once who could drink anything and never got a hangover. Some people are lucky like that.

[moss-lyman]

r20ebecca asked for 13/14 and I chose 14 from general :)

“Come back.”

She’s laying on the couch, still in her pajamas from the night before at 3pm and she’s a full box of Oreos deep as she watches old Facts of Life reruns. She’s picked up the phone about 20 times the last hour alone, but she stops herself from calling him every time.

She tried talking to him for weeks and he kept blowing her off. She didn’t do anything wrong, she doesn’t need to feel guilty for quitting. He’s only her boss, she doesn’t owe him anything.

Okay, that’s a lie. She owes him everything, but she can’t stay in that job anymore. It’s only making her angry and she may have been abrupt at quitting, but he wouldn’t listen. She had no choice.

It still hurts that he didn’t call, though.

She looks at the phone again, about to pick it up for the 21st time when a knock at her door startles her. She wraps her afghan around her shoulders and walks to the door, peeking out the peep hole to find Josh himself out in the hallway. She doesn’t open the door right away and he knocks again.

“Come on, Donna. I can see your shadow, I know you’re right there. Let me in.”

“Why?” she asks, still refusing to open the door, and she sees him huff indignantly.

“I need to talk to you. Just open the damn door.”

She rolls her eyes and flicks the lock before walking back to the couch, and Josh barges in.

“What do you want, Josh?”

He walks further into her apartment and looks at the television. “TVLand?”

“What do you want?” she asks again pointedly. “State your business or go home.”

“Go get dressed,” he says, walking to her kitchen and opening the fridge for a water bottle.

“What are you talking about?”

“And hurry,” he says, looking at his watch. “We have less than 2 hours.”

“For what?” She stares at him like he’s grown two heads. “I don’t work for you anymore, remember?”

“Donna,” he says, cocking his head toward her bedroom. “Go get dressed.”

She sits up. “Are you okay? Have you hit your head and you have amnesia or something?” He sets the water on her coffee table before walking around and physically lifting her off the couch. “Josh, I don’t know who you think—“

“Go get dressed. I’ll explain in the cab.” He nudges her to her room, but she digs in her heels.

“I’m not going anywhere with you until you tell me what the hell is going on.”

“We’re going to Houston.”

“Texas?”

“No, Romania,” he deadpans, giving her a look. “Yes, Texas.”

“What the hell is in Houston?”

“Matt Santos.”

“Congressman Santos? The one not running for another term?”

“Correct,” he says, grabbing her carry-on from her closet and throwing things in it. “Now, get dressed. We have a flight soon.”

“Josh, stop,” she orders, grabbing his arms. “I don’t work for you anymore. I’m not going.”

“I know you don’t work for me anymore, Donna. The temp from Hell has made me well aware of that. I’m telling you, you’re going with me.”

“I already have another job.”

He actually laughs at that and Donna’s eyes flash. “Working for Bingo Bob is not a job. It’s a death sentence. He’ll barely make it to the Convention.”

She crosses her arms over her chest. “Will offered me an opportunity. I’m practically second in command with their campaign.”

“I’m telling you you’re actually second in command with my campaign.”

She freezes. “Santos wants to run?” Josh doesn’t answer her, just shoulders the backpack and heads to the door, but she steps in his way. “Josh.”

“I have a nine point plan, okay? I’ll get him to run.”

Donna is the one to laugh now. “You’re ambushing him.”

“No,” he says before looking at her. “We are ambushing him.”

“Where is this coming from? 24 hours ago, you wanted nothing to do with me, and now you’re offering me a promotion?” He runs his hands through his hair in a way that tells her he’s nervous, not angry, but she doesn’t let up. “Josh.”

“I never said I didn’t want anything to do with you, Donna. I was busy. You knew my schedule.”

“Yes I did, that’s why I made an appointment for myself which you chose to ignore many times.”

He turns around to look at her. “I wasn’t ready to leave the White House,” he says quietly. “I made a commitment to Jed Bartlet and I intended on seeing it through, but then Leo’s telling me to go and you leave and it’s like it’s not even the White House anymore.” He shrugs his shoulders. “I’m asking you to come back. Go to Houston with me and if it doesn’t work, then I’ll leave you alone.”

She looks at him long and hard, trying to see if he’s lying, but she knows he isn’t. “What do you mean by second in command? I refuse to be your assistant, Josh. I want more than that and if—“

“Not my assistant,” he assures. “You’d be like senior staff to Leo. What I was doing the first campaign.”

“We’re gonna need a speech writer.”

“Does that mean you’re in?”

She bites her lip for a moment, but doesn’t have to think very long. “I’m in.” He goes back into high-speed motion, but she stops him. “I have a couple conditions.”

“Name them quickly. We really gotta go.”

She brings her hand up to tick off her fingers. “I will not file or type a single memo, note, press release, or whatever else for you. You’ll do it yourself or hire an assistant. You don’t come to me for the admin garbage. Number two,” she says pointedly when he starts to walk out of her room, “my opinion holds weight.”

“Your opinion always holds weight.”

“Well, this time around, I don’t have to run everything by you first. You’re not my liaison to the Congressman.”

“Anything else?”

“I get a massive salary bump if he runs and we start making money.”

“Fine. Let’s go.” She still won’t budge. “What?”

“You have to shake on it. I need your word, Josh.”

He drops the bag he’s been carrying and stands up straight, reaching his hand out for hers. She grabs it and he looks her right in the eye. “You have my word. If we pull this off, all those conditions will be met. I swear.”

He shakes once and she grins at him before taking her hand back and pushing him out of her room. “Get out of here, I gotta get dressed,” she says and shuts the door on his equally happy face.

[mhdiaries]

Frights, Camera, Action! – Hauntlywood Clawdia Wolf Diary

August 25th

Today I was walking through the streets of Londoom I just wanted to howl and do a little dance because I’m so excited to be here. I didn’t, of course, do the dancing part, since I’m the one with the “clumsy gene” in our family and I didn’t want to fall through an open monster hole cover. It has never bothered me that I’m not as athletic as the rest of the pack, because I think it was pretty apparent even when I was a cub that I was better at writing stories about my brothers’ and sisters’ athletic exploits than participating in them. It’s not that I didn’t try, but my mind and body may have been in concert but they were not playing the same tune. I remember the last organized soccer game I played: the coach put me in the goal partly because I was tall for my age and partly because he thought that perhaps the prospect of a ball being rocketed toward me might keep my attention. It worked for a bit, until the ball stayed at the other end of the pitch for a while, and a butterfly landed on the net. All of a sudden I became a ferocious were-spider who decided to give the butterfly a reprieve. So I climbed up in the net to shoo it away when I heard my dad yell, “Clawdia, turn around!” A ghoul was on a breakaway, and the only thing between her and me was open pitch and the ball. I tried to turn, and my spikes caught in the net, so I just closed my eyes and leaped toward the front of the goal. Somehow the ball ended up in my claws, and I kept the ghoul from scoring. It was my one and only athletic achievement, so I retired with my legacy in check and got a good story out of it, which, I’m sure, will end up in one of my screamplays some day. 

September 8th

I was sitting in the lecture hall today not really paying attention like I should have been, partly because I was working on a not-for-that-class writing assignment and partly, okay, mostly, because symbolism in ghost-modern, neo-realist goblin cinema is only slightly less painful than rolling in flea-infested wolf’s bane. Honestly, I have no idea what a goblin miner wearing a red hat and pushing an empty ore cart says about the state of modern goblin-kobold relations. I’m sure it is profound and important, but well... it doesn’t matter. What did matter, howere, was that the professor asked a question that he wanted all of us to answer, and I didn’t hear the question. I could have asked him to repeat the question, of course, but then I would have had to acknowledge that I had not been paying attention, and since this particular professor hates that, I knew I was going to have to wing it on the answer. Which made me nervous, which made me look for something to chew on, which meant I wasn’t listening to the other answers, which meant I didn’t have a clue when he got to me. So when he said, “Ms. Wolf?” I said I didn’t think I could add anything to the discussion that had not been more profoundly stated in the answers my classmates had already given. This caused the rest of the class to burst out laughing, to which the professor said, “While I appreciate your humility, your answer leaves us no closer to knowing how many siblings you have.” I was mortalfied, but even more so when he said, “Please do try and pay better attention going forward.” Unlive and learn, Clawdia, unlive and learn. 

September 15th

I’ve been using my iCoffin tablet to do some of my writing lately, and I really like it. I mean, I like the tablet. It’s great for doing video chats, and there are some really cool Londoom based apps that have helped me find my way around the city better. As for the writing part, I still prefer my chewed pen and leghoul pad. It may be old-fashioned, but there’s something about a blank sheet of paper that’s less intimidating than a blank scream with a blinking cursor.

October 1st

The only thing that’s coming down faster than the temperature in Londoom right now is the rain. I’m not sure what the real temp is, but you know it’s cold when a werewolf has to put on her fuzzy wool socks... brrr... fortunately, dad did a good job preparing me for this climate by never allowing to turn the thermostat up past the “I can see my breath” mark during the winter. We would say, “Dad, the house is freezing!” to which he would always reply, “You can either have heat or you can eat.” Followed quickly by, “We’re werewolves, for ghoul’s sake, put on a sweater if you’re cold.” Then we’d all look at mom, who would just shrug her soldiers. It was one of the only things she couldn’t change his mind about. So we’d all just sit snuggled together on the couch watching bad TV, complaining about Howleen’s sharp, unclipped paw nails and making promises about what we’d do when we all moved out and got our own places. I distinctly remember saying that I would turn up the heat so high that it would make Gloom Beach seem like a Yeti cave. So the first time it got cold here, I did just that, and it was every bit as amazing as I imagined it would be, until I got my first heating bill. Let’s just say that grocery shopping for the next few weeks gave me a completely different perspective on dad’s old saying. I’m pretty confident that saltines and marmite will never darken the shelves of my cupboard again after having that formerly tasty combination as my only breakfast and lunch option for a fortnight. I’m really missing being able to snuggle up on the couch with my pack of siblings, and I wouldn’t even complain about Howleen’s uncut paw nails... well, maybe not a lot.  

October 6th

I had a great video chat with the fam tonight, and they could not stop talking about Draculaura being chosen as queen of the vampires. They were in complete shock, and I have to admit it was quite a surprise to me as well. The vampires haven’t had a queen since the last chosen one, a young vampire ghoul named Elissabat, disappeared some 400 years ago. What is really curious about this, as if Draculaura being chosen as the new queen right out of the boo wasn’t curious enough, is that Clawdeen told me Draculaura’s choice was confirmed by the Vampire’s Heart. I have actually been doing quite a bit of research on the heart, which is really just a massive jewel with magical properties, for a screamplay I wanted to write about the mystery of the missing queen. There are many scholars that believe the jewel disappeared at the same time the ghoul who would be queen did; so either the scholars are incorrect, or there is more here than meets the eye. I didn’t want to be the one to rain on the funeral though, until I had a little more proof, especially with Clawdeen being so excited about attending the coronation. I did notice that Clawd wasn’t in the room with everyone else, and I’m wondering how he is dealing with this news. 

October 7th

Clawdeen has sent me at least 30 texts and emails since last night detailing the fashions she’s thinking about taking to the coronation. I can see her now running around the room with absolutely every piece of clothing she owns spread out so she can mix and match fashions. She’s probably also been through Draculaura’s closet several times as well. I love her so much and I wish I could be there to make her laugh when she starts getting too serious. She’s so beautiful, though, that whatever she chooses will probably steal the show. I finally got an IM from Clawd asking if we could talk. This wasn’t unusual, since Clawd prefers one-on-one conversation to fighting for face time in a group. When he popped up on the screen he looked terrible, almost like he’d been crying, although it might have just been bad lighting. As usual, Clawd didn’t want to talk about himself and instead wanted to know every little thing I was doing. I finally had to say, “Stop howling around the moon and talk to me, little brother.” So he did. He told me that he didn’t trust the Lord Stoker character that showed up with the Vampire’s Heart claiming it led him to Draculaura. What’s more, neither did Draculaura. They both thought Draculaura would be miserable being queen, but that she would feel honor and duty bound to take the throne. Even so he was trying to be as supportive as possible and went on for a few more minutes about things that were worrying him. When he stopped I said, “You really love her, don’t you?” He looked down for a moment and swallowed hard, “She’s my best friend, sis, and I’m about to lose her forever.” Now it was my turn to swallow hard, and then he made an excuse about having to leave for practice and said a hasty goodbye. I’m going to do some more digging into this, because something doesn’t pass the smell test here, and a Wolf’s nose is always right. 

[kingscrown666]

I need some help, guys.

I'm very sorry to have to ask this, and I hoped I never would because I hate to bother people, but I need help

So, here's the thing. Me, my mom, and my aunt had been living in my grandparent's house, here in Michigan. But over the summer, they decided to sell the house since they were only there a few months out of the year

Well, that meant that the three of us had to find another place to live. My aunt found a place she could afford, and it had spare bedrooms, but she wanted to give those to her daughter and grandkids because they'd been separated and she wanted them to all be together again.

So me and my mom had to find somewhere else to live, and the only place we could afford was government housing where the rent is based off of your income. Currently our rent only $14/mo because our income was so low

But that's not what I need help with.

When we first inquired about housing, we asked about their pet policy and they said dogs were allowed as long as they were 80lbs or less. Well, when we came to sign the lease, they suddenly said that no, the weight limit is 20lbs! And my boy weighs a lot more than that. And I had literally no other choices for housing, so I had to give my dog up. It was either live here without my dog, or be homeless with him

So I gave him up. I had to send him back to the place where I'd gotten him in the first place. And I really really did not want him to go back there, but once again, I had no choice. I looked and looked for someone else to take him until I got a job and could get a place of my own, but everybody either couldn't or wouldn't take him

I didn't want him to go back to where I'd gotten him because he was in very poor condition when I got him. He was super skinny, he had bald patches in his fur, his tail was bleeding (it's slightly crooked now, but working properly) and he was very skidish and withdrawn. In the months that I had him he had a complete turnaround. He'd gained a healthy amount of weight, his fur grew back, he healed up, he'd come out if his shell and was playing and I discovered an actual personality in him and he was playing and happy

But now he's right back where he was and he's losing weight again and he's being kept outside again and it's getting cold. I've spoken with the man who has him and he insists that's he feeding my dog every day but

This doesn't look like the midriff of a dog who's being fed everyday. And he's filthy

I went to visit him today, and this was my hand after just a few minutes of petting him

And his water was even worse

When I first got him it was very cold outside. We had a high of -5°F that day, and that night it got down to -13°F

I'm afraid he will still be out there by the time winter sets in again. I don't want that

He was so sad when I left. He was barking and whimpering as I walked away.

You can barely see him all the way back there.

I wish I can take my dog back but I have nowhere to take him. If I bring him back here, to where I'm living now, we would be evicted.

Again, I've spoken with the man who is taking care of him, and he assures me that he's doing the best he can for Jack. And, honestly, I believe him. It's just that his best really isn't good enough. At least not to my standards. He's a really great guy and he does what he can, but he's struggling too

The day I dropped him off I cried more more than I have in years. I didn't even cry that much when I broke my fingers when I was in kindergarten. But Jack is my baby and I love him so much and I need him back, and he needs me!

And here's where I need help. I need to get a place, and soon. Before winter comes again. Once I get a place I can get Jack back again so I can take care of him properly.

The guy had other dogs when I got Jack, one of them died outside in the cold and snow shortly after I got Jack. So I'm really afraid for my dog's life.

And I finally got job (I just started last Tuesday), so I'll be able to take care of him and myself once I start getting regular checks.

I'd been unemployed since December of last year when my temp job ended. It's hard to find a job I can actually do because I crashed my car back in 2009 and injured my back and leg. But luckily I finally found something permanent that's not too strenuous, and the pay's not terrible either

I just need enough to get a place that accepts large dogs and then I can take it from there with the income from my new job

I only need help to get a place as soon as possible so that Jack doesn't freeze, and it's going to take a while to save up enough money to pay for the first months rent, deposit, and pet deposit. And I only worked ~14 hours the first week (I was just training) so my first check is going to be pretty paltry. And time is most definitely an issue. It's October. It's already getting colder.

Please guys. Any amount helps.

My PayPal link is here (message me if it doesn't work. I've never received money through PayPal before, so I'm not exactly sure how this works)

Even if you can't help, please reblog this so others can see it, or maybe tag someone you think can help

I just want my dog back.

(I know this was a really long post, so if you're still here, thank you so much for your time and patience. My thought were a bit scattered, but I organized them as best I could here. So again, thank you)

[tinyshe]

Garden Report 20.10.29

The season if definitely wanting to move towards Winter but I have to question the confused plants in the garden. Part are ready for Winter and the other part thinks maybe it could just be Spring again?! I have two baby plums and the brambles are starting to bloom again!

Bronte, Rossetti and Alcott are now giving us an egg each a day regardless of the colder weather and the shorter daylight. I give them lots of treats and snuggles so maybe they feel obligated.  My last batch of chickens had several Gold Laced Wyndottes and those were laying eggs year round except when they went through a full molt once a year for maybe a week or two. I don’t use artificial light nor heat but we also don’t get much snow. Once they lay, they are getting higher protein lay ration diet and if it is really cold, they will get warm mash in the morning and a high protein snack in the late afternoon to stoke their little internal heaters. I like that they are all laying now because they are easier to catch and cuddle ... even Alcott, Miss flitter - flutter ‘you can’t touch this’ is even more open to me scooping her up. Maybe they just miss me being in the back garden. I can wish :) Bronte still yammers if she sees me in the kitchen making tea and will keep it up if I haven’t been out for a sit. Their coop is less than a stone’s throw from the back stoop so she can see what ever I do at the back end of the house. Makes for some tippy toe dinner preparations in dim light when I want them to roost so I can lock up for the night but if they see me active in the house, its no go. My haiku for this: Hiding from a Hen / A Ninja in the Kitchen / Go to bed feather head!    Well, I tried ... on both parts.

Most of the work has been focused in the front garden, getting it in a presentable state, the topiary and hedges in order and an early winter pruning. So much had gotten so overgrown this year! Lots of rain = lots of growth. Looking forward to getting it primed for maybe a Spring sale. Part of me is very hesitant but I am trying to remember if its to be, God will open doors so there shouldn’t be that fear but trust (I’m a “yeah-but” girl from way back with plan A, B and C raised with lack of trust and sad, wistful hope). Old habits die hard; I just need to put one foot in front of the other (and not beat my head against brick walls).

More trouble with the neighbors but nothing new, they’re just taking it up a notch. I think apartment dwellers have it really tough with this C19 lockdown business and it doesn’t come out in a positive way. Too bad more didn’t have the incentive to garden in some fashion if it was even just for mental therapy. This weekend I hope we can finish getting the lattice panels up. I wish they offered more privacy and a real barricade and not some pseudo  security/ barely a visual obstruction. But this should at least keep the majority of the garbage out of the garden that comes over the fence.

Harvesting all the Asian greens. They are not cut and repeat very readily but I could be impatient since I have lost all track of time. Last of the blackberries today as that after October 31 the rule is no more, as they have been breathed on by the pooka and now considered the pooka’s fruit (as my kids say ‘eat it and ... diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!’). But we have had our fill. They are rather insipid and we are all too lazy to do anything with them but to eat out of hand and even then, I have been known to take the berries to the chickens if the children don’t eat them in a day or two. Most of the herbs are done except for the evergreen and growing rosemary. I still have tons of lemon verbena on the shrub. The single basil plant and the summer savory are going to seed finally so I am hoping to collect those before someone/something devours them. I forgot to move my succulents in the protection zone and the frost took some. I’m strangely fine with that. I normally would be so annoyed with myself but I am trying to take things as they come.

Still no work on the summer house. Getting a wee bit discouraged but I’m being pulled in too many directions to get a grip on starting that project. I am trying to hand it off but no one wants it >;) I do have a friend that has offered to come and help out some but I just have to make the time appear so it can happen. Once the frame / skeleton is up, we can place the new ripple roof, then take out the windows and do rock work slip form one half wall at a time as we “repair” the summer house. I just don’t like cement work in the winter; its a lot more work watching frost/freeze temps and having proper insulation is in place during the curing. Doing half walls on short runs hopefully won’t be a problem.

[riley1cannon]

Superbat Headcanon: Super Bowl Dreams

(that no one, absolutely no one, asked for)

Bruce has been hearing it all year long, ever since the Patriots stomped on the Super Bowl hopes of the Kansas City Chiefs in last year’s playoffs. This year,  Clark has been yammering, would be the Chiefs year. They would make it through the playoffs and onward to Super Bowl 54. He feels it in bones.

Bruce had pointed out, “You do know it’s the Kansas City, Missouri Chiefs, right?”--and felt a brief twinge of concern as Clark’s eyes glowed red. Team sports aren’t his thing these days (and he just doesn’t dwell on memories that sometimes pop up, of long ago summers spent at the ballpark with his parents), but that doesn’t mean he’s never indulged others. Thanks to Alfred, he knows far more about cricket than anyone really needs to. Thanks to assorted children, he’s attended swim meets and soccer matches, and even stepped in to coach a lacrosse game once. (It was for charity. Veronica Vreeland had remembered how he and Harvey had played it at school and volunteered him. She meant well. She remembers Harvey, too.)

So Clark’s devotion to a football team that isn’t even actually based in Kansas doesn’t mystify him. It’s about Jonathan Kent, after all, and the memories Clark made growing up and watching the games with his father. If Jonathan Kent had been devoted to....to mountain unicycling, that would have been Clark’s passion as well. (Bruce will be eternally grateful that Dick had never heard of mountain unicycling.)

And it’s not that Bruce has taken to football himself. It’s just that, if he’s at the farm, or he��s dropped by Clark’s apartment (for entirely legitimate reasons that are not flimsy excuses to spend time with him), or Clark has the game on at Justice League headquarters, there’s not much else he can do except pick up bits and pieces of the game while he’s catching up on some work.

He was there when Patrick Mahomes dislocated a kneecap in a game against the Denver Broncos. Bruce didn’t say anything as Clark fretted about the team’s chances now, but while he only hmm’d and hhn’d in return, he was checking out recovery time from that kind of injury and looking into if the medical division of Wayne Enterprises had anything in the pipeline that could help. As it turned out, Mahomes bounced so fast Bruce never had to intervene. (And he only spent a couple of minutes wondering if Mahomes might be a meta human. It’s only fair; Clark once shared a suspicion that Tom Brady might be an evil cyborg.)

Bruce was also there when the playoffs arrived and the Chiefs and their fans had a bye week to rest up and watch the Wild Card games. Would the Chiefs have to face off against the Patriots again? That had been the number one question on Clark’s mind. Bruce gathered that a rematch, with the Chiefs emerging victorious, especially if it involved Tom Brady getting sacked multiple times, could be desirable. But on the other hand, what if....? He hadn’t been on the edge of his seat, but he had felt some kind of residual exuberance pouring off Clark when the Tennessee Titans soundly trounced New England and removed them from the playoff picture.

He had felt a twinge of concern when the Houston Texans had the Chiefs down 24 to 0 in the second quarter, and then pondered the meta human a bit more when Patrick Mahomes proceeded to lead his team to a comeback for the books, defeating the Texans 54 to 31.

He knew what he had to do then.

Watching the AFC Championship showdown from the comfort of Clark’s apartment or the farm would have suited him fine, but he was the world’s greatest detective for a reason, and he knew Clark would give his eyeteeth--if he could give his eyeteeth--to see it in person. Buying a bank was a piece of cake compared to wrangling last minute tickets, but it had been worth it.

It had been one hundred percent worth it to be sitting on the 50 yard line at Arrowhead Stadium in sub-freezing temps, watching Clark’s face as his team played the biggest game of their season. It hadn’t been a sure thing. Clark had been concerned that if the Titans could take apart New England, if they could discombobulate the Baltimore Ravens, what if they brought that same game to Kansas City? Bruce hadn’t worried. There was no way these football gods Clark spoke of would have the balls to disappoint Superman.

Bruce didn’t know if Clark could cheer himself hoarse. He did know the power of Clark’s grin, as the final seconds ticked off the clock and the Chiefs victory over the Titans was official, could have lit up the Missouri night.

It’s late when their plane takes off, headed back to Gotham. He’ll probably go out on patrol later. Depends on the weather. Neither rain nor sleet nor snow might work for the Post Office, but the older he gets the less enamored Bruce is about going on patrol in a blizzard. Sometimes he thinks he was half-serious about turning it over to Diana.

Then he looks over at Clark, surrounded by a pile of Chiefs souvenirs, including a jersey autographed by Patrick Mahomes,Travis Kelce, and Tyreek Hill, and with a Chiefs beanie pulled down on his head, and he thinks memories of today will be enough to keep him warm through the night.

It’s probably nice and warm in Miami this time of year, he thinks, and only hesitates a moment before sending a text to Alfred. The reply is swift, informing him that tickets have already been acquired, and it’s only a matter of deciding on accommodations. 

Do they need accommodations? Bruce ponders, picturing Clark in the Florida sun, and deciding that yes, yes they do. 

He texts Alfred back to get to work on it and, as the plane makes its way to Gotham, he finds that he is looking forward to the Super Bowl more than he ever could have imagined. 

[littlemisswolfie]

does she know that my destiny lies with her?

AO3

Summary: Trips are made, conversations are had, and truths are revealed.

Two things are decided the next day during breakfast.

One: Darius won’t be rejoining the troupe for shows or missions until after the baby is born. There are a few reasons for this decision. For one, Darius is out of practice after a few months of being away. He needs to get his weight and muscles back to what they used to be for him to be safe. There’s also Kozholok to worry about; the less of a spectacle he makes of himself, the safer he, Yi, and the baby will be.

Two: Darius has to explain himself to Yi’s mother. This is mostly a Wrath decree, because she wants to keep the peace between the troupe and a woman who cooks for them once a week. “Plus,” she says, eyeing Darius’s hand on Yi’s knee, “I don’t think you want your child’s grandmother to hate you, right?”

Cal is obviously in the doghouse with the rest of the troupe members, but no one is openly hostile with him. They mostly just make him do menial tasks, like hand-washing the dishes after breakfast even though they have a dishwasher and Onyx asking him to do her laundry for her. It’s a very sibling-like dynamic, and, thankfully, Cal doesn’t seem too put out by all of it. Yi’s glad; she would hate for Cal to be alienated like that.

She’s not quite ready to forgive him for the things he said, but she doesn’t want him to suffer, either.

*

After breakfast, Yi finally shows Darius the nursery. It’s mostly an excuse to be alone together again, so when Darius is finished poking around, he sits in the rocking chair and pulls her into his lap. “When’s your next doctor’s appointment?” he asks her.

“This afternoon,” she says. “At two. Do you want to come with me?”

“Yeah. If you don’t mind.”

She cranes her neck to kiss his cheek. “Of course I don’t mind. I’d love for you to come.” Then she laughs and adds, “My doctor keeps pestering me about meeting you, actually. Her name is Dr. Rudy. I think you’ll like her.”

“After, we should go see your mom.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Wrath’s right. I need to clear the air with her before the baby comes.” His hand brushes her stomach again. “I just need to prove I’m going to do right by you.”

“She compared you to my dad,” Yi admits.

He winces. “The one who ran out on you?”

“Yeah.”

“Shit.”

“Hey.” She cups his face and makes sure he looks at her. “You came back. That means a lot more than words ever could.”

He kisses her sweetly on the lips and they sit there in a comfortable bubble for a while longer. 

*

Dr. Rudy is indeed thrilled to finally meet the father of Yi’s baby. She can tell as soon as she walked into the exam room that Darius is The Boyfriend, because she’s never seen Yi look at her other friends like that. “I’m glad you got back before your little guy decided to make an appearance,” she jokes as she gets the sonogram machine up and running. “Everything’s going just fine. Ms. Cheng is having a perfectly normal, healthy pregnancy.”

Darius smiles and rubs Yi’s hand. “I’m glad.”

The sonogram appears on the machine, and there he is, their baby. Yi hears Darius’s gasp next to her. “Right now,” Dr. Rudy says, “he’s a little over a foot long. That’s a little small for thirty-two weeks, but nothing to be worried about.”

“Holy shit,” Darius says. His eyes are glued to the screen, where he can see their son moving around. 

She turns her head to smile at him. “That’s him,” she says. “That’s our baby.”

Darius squeezes her hand and says nothing, but she’s pretty sure he’s happy about it.

“You’ll be considered full term in five weeks,” Dr. Rudy says. “As long as you avoid too much stress and keep a healthy diet, I can’t see any complications that could arise between now and then.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Dr. Rudy casts an amused look in Darius’s direction. “I’m guessing you’ll want a sonogram picture.”

Yi laughs. “Yeah, I think so. Right, Darius?”

Darius just nods, and Dr. Rudy shakes her head and prints out the picture.

*

Darius drives them to the shop after her appointment. They have a copy of her most recent sonogram as a peace offering for her mom; Darius never said exactly what happened when he talked to her yesterday, and Yi can only hope her mom isn’t too angry.

They don’t get out of the Jeep as soon as he parks. Instead, he leans over to kiss her and says, “Let me talk to her alone.”

“Are you sure?” Yi asks.

He nods. “Her issue is with me. I won’t make you play mediator.”

“Alright.” She puts one hand over his and squeezes, and she can feel him relax a little at the contact. “I’ll stay in the shop, then. Just don’t take too long, okay? Otherwise I’ll think Mom killed you or something.”

“I think I can handle myself a little better than that.”

“You’ve obviously never met an angry Chinese mom, then.”

*

Yi, like she predicted, has to watch the shop while Darius and her mom talk in the apartment upstairs. Her mom had given him the stink eye when they walked in together but agreed to speak with him privately. So far, Yi can’t hear any shouting from upstairs, so she guesses the conversation is going well.

Some of the regulars are both surprised and thrilled to see her again. “Your mom said you had a bun in the oven,” says Gar, a rugged old man who had drawn a unicorn on her hot pink cast when she was four because she asked for it, “but I didn’t believe her!”

Yi ducks her head and blushes. “Guilty as charged,” she says, rubbing her stomach. “He’s moving around in there. Want to feel?” 

He does, and the baby kicks against his hand rather enthusiastically. Gar laughs. “That’s a strong little guy, huh?”

“Takes after his dad,” Yi says.

“What’s your guy do for a living?” Gar asks. “Your mom never said.”

“He’s a trapeze artist for the Night of Sin circus.” Gar looks skeptical, so she rushes to add, “It pays a lot better than it sounds, I promise. Tickets are over a thousand bucks a pop. We live in a penthouse over a casino. We have plenty of money.”

“I knew you were only with me for my money,” Darius’s voice says, and Yi turns around to see him coming out of the employee’s only door that really just hides the stairs to the apartment. His arms wrap as far around her middle as they can and he drops a kiss on her forehead. 

“Well,” she jokes, “what other good qualities do you have?”

“My dashing good looks, for one.”

“Whatever you say, babe.” Yi turns her head a little to look at Gar again. “Darius, I want to introduce you to Gar. He’s been coming here since I was a kid.”

Darius takes one hand off of Yi and extends it to shake one of Gar’s. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“So you’re the guy that got our little Yi knocked up?”

Yi knows Gar’s just joking, but Darius doesn’t, and Gar, at almost six feet tall and more muscle than fat, is an intimidating man. Darius winces. “Uh.”

“I haven’t been ‘little Yi’ since I was ten, Gar,” Yi protests.

Gar laughs. “You’re still ‘little Yi’ as long as you can’t reach the top shelf without a footstool.”

“That’s discrimination.”

“That’s facts.” Gar finally smiles at Darius, and Yi feels him relax against her. “It’s good to meet you, kid. How old’re you?”

“Twenty-nine. My birthday is at the end of July.”

“And Yi says you’re a trapeze artist?”

“One of the best.” Darius squeezes Yi’s hip. “I caught Yi out of a freefall the night I met her.”

“Because you singled me out of the crowd as a volunteer,” Yi fires back.

“I knew you’d have the balls if I dared you.”

“She’s always been a bit of an adrenaline junkie,” Gar says, humor evident in his voice. “One time when she was in middle school, she tried strapping fireworks to her bike to see if they would make it go faster.”

Darius lets out a shocked laugh and Yi scowls. “I broke my damn nose,” she says. “You should be more sympathetic to a pregnant woman, Gar.”

“Oh, come on, sweetheart! This is the first time you’ve liked a boy well enough to bring him around, and you went and got pregnant before you introduced us! I have a lot of embarrassing stories to catch him up on.”

The employee’s only door opens behind them again, and when Yi looks towards it, she sees her mother emerge. “Please stop harassing my daughter,” she says, voice light like it always is when she jokes with their regulars. “Unless you want me to tell the story of when Yi came to ask you for help with her period and you—”

“Ahhhh, nope! You awful woman, I’ll stop.”

“Good. Now buy what you need and get out, please. I’m closing up early today.”

*

Half an hour later finds Yi, her mom, and Darius all sitting in the living room of the apartment over the shop. Yi knows she should probably tone the PDA down a little around her mom, but she’s been separated from Darius for too long already, so she doesn’t pull away when he tugs her legs up and into his lap so he can rub her feet. She groans in appreciation. “Thanks, babe.”

Darius squeezes her knee with his free hand. “I could tell they were hurting. You kept shifting your weight downstairs.”

“Was I? I didn’t realize.”

“That’s why you have me around.”

Her mom clears her throat, and Yi jumps a little and turns her head to face her. “Oh! Sorry, Mom.”

“I already talked to Darius,” her mom says, crossing her arms, “but I’d like to hear your side of everything. Do you love him?”

That’s the easiest question in the world. “Yes.”

“And does he love you?”

Yi feels Darius stiffen under her, but she doesn’t waver. “Yes.”

“How do you know?”

“Because he shows me with everything he does.” Yi squeezes his hand and feels him relax. “I know Darius like I know myself. He loves me, Mom, never doubt that.”

Her mom regards them both with a critical eye for a moment longer than is really comfortable and sighs. “Alright. I’ll give him a chance. Have you decided what name my grandson will have?”

Yi freezes up because, well, no, they haven’t talked about it, but Darius pipes up with, “I don’t really care about my name. It  has no real meaning to it. I’d like the baby to be a Cheng instead of a Ricci.”

“Are you sure?” Yi asks, a hand falling to her belly.

Darius presses a kiss to her temple. “I’m positive.”

*

When they’re done talking to her mom, she and Darius hop to the next building over to see Nahara.

Yi’s gut twists a little at the thought of seeing the seer again. Their last interaction wasn’t exactly positive, after all. But Wrath insisted. “Your baby is half demon, Yi,” she said. “You need to make sure it’s not going to hurt you.”

So Yi squeezes Darius’s hand and lets him lead her inside.

Nahara takes one look at them and almost combusts. Her hair whips around her like an angry cat’s tail and when she speaks, the air goes still. “Yi Cheng,” she says, “what is your father’s name?”

Yi and Darius both stiffen at the mention of her deadbeat dad, but Yi answers, “Bai. Bai Cheng.”

The crease in Nahara’s brow deepens and her frown widens. “I feared as such.” Suddenly looking very tired, she gestures to the sitting area of her shopfront, inviting them both to sit. Darius pulls Yi into his lap and she leans back against him, confused and worried. Why does Nahara know his name?

Nahara disappears through a door and returns with two cups of tea. The one she hands Yi smells of ginger, which would have been nice back when she was still vomiting every few hours, but she doesn’t say this. “Is something wrong?” she asks instead.

Nahara sighs. “I’ve had a suspicion for a while now,” she says, “and your child and your father have confirmed it.”

Darius tightens his hold on Yi as she shivers at the chilly tone in Nahara’s voice. “What do you mean?” His voice is stern. Protective. 

“It means that Yi is about as human as you are.”

And the world spins.

[wandernkevin]

Last Year’s Misadventure on the Superior Hiking Trail

I sit here today at Trout Creek Camp on the Superior Hiking Trail, every time I come out here people say it will be flowing… yet again! Trout Creek is dry, I’ve never seen any water over there. Anyway, I’m here today on day 0, I never really count the first day because you have to get where you’re going before you head out, I mean I usually spend the night before on the trail then begin the real hiking. So, less than 2 miles today.

This is the most people I’ve ever seen at the Trout Creek Campsite, there is a group of 8 young people here and I see a lot of heavy gear, including, a full-size ceramic coated pot, the thing is HUGE! I ain’t seen one of the things since the last time I went to a group camp for a school trip.

I don’t plan on eating tonight because I ate way too much on the way up here, I knew that’s how it would go so I didn’t pack any food for today. Water on the other hand, well I’m drinking a lot, temperatures are great, nice and cool, but it’s been a while since I’ve been out here. I noticed my water filter is a little tight, hopefully, it doesn’t clog, the problem isn’t the filter, the problem is backflushing a filter with sink water, I’ve heard there’s too much gunk in sink water and it calcifies the filter, user error. Sawyers are getting cheaper these days so I’ll grab another one before my next adventure. Also, they have a fitting so you can backflush with your clean water bottle. I totally have to get one of those, it just makes so much more sense than the plunger.

Once again, I proved the scent proof bags I use for a food bag liner work. Because yet again a chipmunk hopped right passed the bag was laying on the ground. While we are on the subject of food bags, Trout Creek Camp can be a pain to find somewhere to hang your food.

Day 1, Trout Creek Camp to Devil’s Track

I lost the top to my phone mount, so… no cool overlook pictures. I left trout creek this morning and managed to make it to Devil’s Track! I had to descend into the canyon at Devil’s Track at night which seemed sketchy as the edge of the trail was pitch black. I can only assume there’s a cliff there. I’m very interested in seeing what’s out there, I’m staying at the west camp. It seems nice, today was my first ever 20-mile day! The new insoles are working great. Before I wouldn’t even have attempted 20 miles, my feet would start feeling like this after 10. Mission success, I’m not going to bother eating, I took a break at the Pincushion Mountain Trailhead and ate some jerky and banana chips there. Shame, I was looking forward to a hot meal. I managed to gather a liter of water in the dark, I drank half now and I already know I’m going to wake up in the night thirsty so I’ll save the rest for that, perhaps I’ll make the Ramen for breakfast.

Day 2, Let the Misadventure Begin!

I was doing so well, but my sawyer bag ruptured, the sawyer was just too calcified to work right, it too much pressure to filter the water and BAM, the bag separated at the top. It’s just sitting over there taunting me. I have some bad luck with water filters, on the thru-hike, last year, guess what? Yep, the filter failed. So now I have to turn back. Lesson learned, don’t backwash sawyers with tap water. Another lesson also finally learned, bring a backup for water treatment. Boiling does not count! It takes way too long to cover good ground when you have to boil. I’m thinking about iodine, it’s easy, fast and light. But it tastes horrible, I’ve used it before in a 2-week excursion in the Canadian side of Lake of the woods, fortunately, someone had a filter. That was a long time ago, back when the only filters available were like $300+ and clogged pretty fast.

Just remember, with important things like water when you are out in the wilderness, redundancy is key. What would happen if I needed to get off the trail ASAP and boiling was just delaying me? Could become a life-threatening situation pretty quick.

I was able to get off the trail, I hiked back to the Pincushion Trailhead, then through Grand Marais and most of the way to Cascade River State Park along Highway 61 before finally I was able to hitch a ride, two guys in a big truck really helped me out. Also, that was the third time I’ve had to hitchhike, so 3/3 success rate, I have nothing to complain about.

I already ordered a new filter, I’m waiting at base camp until it arrives, then I’ll head back out.

Although I failed to complete my challenge, from the beginning this has been about hiking 20 mile days, which I succeeded. Then completing the North Country Trail hike 100 challenge. So, there will be an update in route but nothing is gonna stop me from getting the 2018 patches. NOTHING.

The Updated Route

The new route is pretty much the same as the old one just shorter as I am running out of time to complete the 100-mile challenge. With my existing 40 miles the below route will total 100.7 miles:

Cascade – Bally creek pond 11.2 (Hike 50 Challenge complete) Bally Creek pond – Devil’s Track 10.5 Devil’s track – Kimball 9 Kimball – Devil’s Track 9 Devil’s Track – cascade 21 (hike 100 challenge complete)

One last push on the way back to cascade doing 21 miles, I know it can be done! I’ll have a nice state park campsite and a shower waiting for me when I get back.

Pre-Hike Again, in Grand Marais, Artists Point, and Cascade River State Park

I stopped in Grand Marais to eat some pizza with a view before heading to the campground. Artists Point is a great place to stop and eat some food from town.

This time I’m staying at the Cascade River State Park Campground, got site #30 non-electric, close to the showers, this is great for a tent, there’s a little spot inset in the back to set up. Also, in case you are wondering, the Cascade River State Park shower facility has always been clean and well maintained every time I’ve been here. It’s a newer facility and I have to say it’s my favorite out of the North Shore State Parks. I do have one problem though, the vending machine in the trail center used to have root beer, now it doesn’t and that is disappointing. I’m already settled in and don’t want to go back into town.

Cascade River State Park to Bally Creek Pond Camp South

I head out around 7 – 8 am, had a smooth start for the most part. The GoPro already died, it just can’t handle 40° nights…

I’m taking a lunch break alongside the cascade river, as you can see from the photo below, it was a nice place to teak a break!

Made it to bally creek pond camp south, I’m staying here for the night. Boy, it’s chilly with the wind blowing out here.

The water at the bally creek campsites comes from the pond, filtered with a sawyer it tastes earthy but clean. The CNOC bottle I got works great! It grabs 2 liters out of the pond real fast. Check out the Cnoc Outdoors Vecto 2L Water Container, 28mm, Orange on Amazon – https://amzn.to/2QOJGkG *.

I still have a breakfast bar, a cliff bar and a Ramen that I can eat today. I had a 400 calorie candy bar for breakfast so I have some extra food for today. I need to wait until at least 6 pm to make the Ramen. I want the warm food in the belly closer to bedtime. I’ll have to wait until then to use the new BRS stove – https://amzn.to/2yiQRui *. I boiled 2 cups at basecamp with it and I was impressed. I’m looking forward to using it the field.

A Rainy Day Back to Devil’s Track West Camp

Sleeping pad has a small leak, had to reinflate several times throughout the morning. I’m not going to be able to find the leak without soapy water, so I’ll just be dealing with it for now. I have the REI flash all season (regular wide), I do like it but people have had some problems with it. I’m hoping this is just a pinhole leak. Otherwise, if I can’t find the leak I’ll return it.

Oh, boy did it rain today! Started around when I left camp and stopped when I got to Devil’s Track West. My poncho did a great job keeping everything dry, it’s heavy but it works so well, I don’t really want to replace it. My hat worked beautifully as well, keeping my head dry from the rain. My shoes are soaked, not much I can do about that. I’m more concerned that the temps for the rest of the hike have lows down to 32° and my sleeping pad is leaking… If I could find the hole I could patch it.

Quite the Superior Hiking Trail Misadventure

I’m at Devil’s Track Camp West, AGAIN. It’s going to be a cold night at 34°, I timed the leak on the sleeping pad. It lasts 19 minutes until my butt hits the cold ground. I put my z-seat under there, that should buy me some time before my core touches the ground. It’ll be cold enough to instantly wake up. At that point, I will reinflate the sleeping pad. It’s too dangerous in these temperatures not having a trustworthy sleeping pad. Once again it’s time to turn around… The sleeping pad completely failed. It’s gonna be a rough night, I miss my x-therm, I should have just got the long version, that would have lasted.

At least the North Country Trail Hike 50 is complete…

Just missed the freeze!

Being out on the trail without a sleeping pad in freezing weather is dangerous, the ground will suck the heat right out of you, leaving you hypothermic. I pushed hard over 20 miles to get back to cascade, gear heavy with water from the rain days prior, boots soaked through, the big freeze incoming, and freezing lake winds the pierce right through your entire being. But I made it back so hey, I call it a success…

So I’m off the trail again, but I still have a reservation at Cascade River State Park Campground for Sunday. I’m going to day hike the remaining 20 miles, 10 on Sunday and 10 on Monday. I’ll still be pushing forward to cover the previous route but I won’t be camping on the trail, I’ll be in the nice warm camper car.

Pincushion Trailhead to Woods Creek Camp and Back

I spent the better part of two weeks trying to cross the bridge over the Devil’s Track river, and finally today there was no gear failure! It’s crazy to think I had gear fail in the same place twice in a row, the filter and the sleeping pad.

The views from this side of the river are spectacular as you can see from the photo of Devil’s Track Canyon and Lake Superior on the horizon. This was taken near the Barrier Falls Overlook, which at first was disappointing because you can’t see Barrier Falls, too many trees in the way. It took some effort to finally get out here given the gear situation but it was still well worth it.

After the hike, I stopped at the Angry Trout Cafe and had a bison tenderloin and it was absolutely delicious, so much that I had to share it here!

Lindskog Rd Trailhead 5 miles Out and Back

Today I was leaving Cascade River State Park to finish the hike and a wolf walked right up to my car! Got about two feet away and slowed down before continuing on up the entrance road. I was so stunned by the unexpected encounter that I couldn’t even grab the camera to shoot some photos. Part of me is disappointed I didn’t grab the camera, but it is more important to capture the memory of an experience in your mind before taking pictures, I’m an adventurer, I don’t consider myself a photographer. My adventure is more important to me that capturing it on film, but it would have been pretty sweet. Back to the hike!

This was a pretty average hike for me to be honest, the trail follows woods creek for a while. I noticed that the water is so much clearer here, I refilled my bottles at Duffree Creek and the water is almost crystal clear with just the slightest brown tinge from tannins in the water, which is common in the forest. The most notable part of this hike was the length of this unobstructed view of Lake Superior from the trail, I don’t believe this is even an “official” overlook, It’s just part of the trail.

Finally, I Finished to NCT Hike 100 Challenge!

This is the second year I have finished the North Country Trail Hike 100, and this year they also had the Hike 50 Challenge which I also completed. I think this is a great program that motivates not just people like me, but everyone to get out there and hike the NCT in their state. Minnesota is fortunate that the Superior Hiking Trail follows this route, not only do you get some nice patches, but you also get great memories and the best views in the entire state.

I’ve been many places in my lifetime and I still stand by my saying that the north shore of Minnesota is the most beautiful and unique place I’ve ever been.

* Affiliate Links

[randxmthxughts]

It will get better, I promise.

AU/Imagine w/Shawn Mendes

Genre: Angst, a little fluff, emotional

Word count: 1890

Request: You could write about Y/N being from another country (say like Australia) and moving overseas to Canada to live with Shawn. And at first she feels really out of place because the seasons are backwards, she has no friends or family there, nothing at the grocery stores are the same etc, and Shawn finds her crying about it one day

Short Description: It’s been hard for you since moving to Canada to live with Shawn. One day he finds you crying about it.

Author’s note: It took me a few days to finish this one, but I’m really happy with the end result. I hope you’ll like it, please reblog so more people can read this one. Also huge thanks to the anonymous person who requested this idea, you rock!

   (the gif has nothing to do with the text, I just like it)

    It was hard. I knew it was going to be. I would lie if I said it was easy to move to another country to live with your boyfriend, who regularly travels to different parts of the world. I would lie if I said that I already made new friends and fitted into Shawn’s company. It was hard to leave my family, friends, work, basically my whole life behind. But I made the decision, and I had to deal with it.

    It was my second month in Canada, and things weren’t quite falling into their places yet. I still felt stressed out about everything that seemed unfamiliar to me. The only person that kept me going through the day and sleep in the night was Shawn. I hated how I became so dependent on him for these past two months, and how lonely I felt in the empty apartment whenever he was working in the other end of the city or flying out to LA to record some new tracks. I felt lonely without him, and to be honest, even though he somehow made every place feel cozy just by his presence, I still wasn’t feeling at home at this new place. Shawn was a distraction, something that I could focus on, leaving behind all of the regrets and the thoughts about my actual home. And he knew that. He noticed me getting sad whenever he had to leave. He noticed all the smiles I faked to my friends or parents through video chats saying that I felt good here. He noticed whenever I lied to his friends about feeling happy when in reality I didn’t. But whenever he tried talking to me about it, I shut him down, reassuring that I’m fine.

    If you’d told me that a simple trip to a grocery shop would be my breaking point, I wouldn’t believe it. It was an afternoon when I realized the fridge was empty. Shawn and I had planned to go grocery shopping this morning but plans suddenly changed when after leaving for the gym he texted me that he was heading out to the studio afterward. To my question when’s the time he’s coming back, he didn’t reply, which basically meant that he was already too into the process of songwriting. He might be coming back in an hour, or he might be coming past midnight.

However, I still had to make myself dinner, and there was nearly nothing to prepare a decent meal. The idea of leaving the house alone still scared me. Putting on one of Shawn’s sweatshirts and black jeans, I couldn’t care less to take a jacket with myself even though the weather in Toronto was freezing. I quickly got out of the apartment, nervously playing with the keys of Shawn’s car; well, it wasn’t Shawn’s car, it was his gift to me for my first month spent in Canada, but I still called it his Shawn always took the driver’s seat.

    I didn’t feel comfortable in the shop. I felt like everyone recognized me, or that they could tell I wasn’t from here, even though probably nobody even cared. I spent about ten minutes in the spaghetti aisle searching for the one I usually buy back at home until it hit me that they probably don’t sell the same brand here. Grabbing a random bag of spaghetti, I moved on with my shopping list, and it took me more than I could have expected, considering that almost everything I was looking for was unfamiliar to me.

    The whole trip home I just felt empty. Walking into the kitchen, the grocery bags tore apart under the weight, letting all of the food inside fall down to the floor. I quickly sat down on the floor, trying to pick up as many products as I could, but all of it was so overwhelming I broke into tears. It wasn’t that the grocery shopping was the reason for my tears. Nor were the shopping bags. For the past few weeks the emotions have been bottling up inside me; every time I would feel down over small things I would keep it to myself, forcing all these negativity to boil up inside me. I couldn’t control my hands, and the food that I picked up earlier on fell to the ground one more time. My vision was not clear because of the tears. I remained on the floor in the kitchen, and let myself cry my heart out, allowing all of the tears to get on my sweatshirt.

    “Babe? You home?” I heard suddenly Shawn’s voice shouting from the corridor.

    While still sobbing, I quickly tried to wipe off my tears with the back of my sleeve, breathing in and out to recover the temp of my breath.

    “Hey” he walks into the kitchen, “Whatcha doin’ on the floor?” he asks carefully, but I don’t dare to turn around, “You need help?”

    A few seconds later he is already picking up the food from the floor, accurately placing it on the table.

    “Don’t mind me, just wanted to sit here for a few seconds” I lie and stand up still not facing him, looking down to hide my face.

    “Is something wrong? If you’re upset over the shopping bags, then it’s nothing. All of the food is fine” Shawn continues, as he walks up to me and stands in front of me.

    He lifts up my head by placing his fingers on my chin, and as soon as he notices the tears on my cheeks, his face becomes full of concern.

    “You’ve been crying?” he cranes his neck, forcing me to gaze up at him, meeting his beautiful hazel eyes.

    “Yeah,” I exhale, “But it’s fine now, I just wanna wash off the tears” I slightly sob, trying to get out of the room, but he grips my arm stating that I shouldn’t move.

    “Why were you crying? Are you hurt?” I can see him growing worried as a new thought hits his head every second.

    “No, I’m fine, I was a little stressed, but it’s fine.” I quickly respond and force myself to smile, but Shawn doesn’t believe it for a second, furrowing his eyebrows.

    “I came back to bring you along to the studio,” Shawn says, his hand gently stroking my arm, “I guess we won’t go there today though.”

    “You can leave without me, it’s fine” I gulp the lump in my throat.

    “Baby, it breaks my heart to see you like this. Tell me, what’s wrong?” he interrupts me barely whispering, and I can feel how tense he was at the moment.

    “It’s nothing,” I shake my head, avoiding his eyes, feeling new tears running down my cheeks.

    “I’m not an idiot. You’ve been telling me “it’s nothing” for the past few weeks. I can see that something is wrong. Do you think I don't notice when you pretend everything is perfect? Or how unhappy you are to talk about your day, the way you lie about your feelings since you moved in?” he pauses and breathes in before continuing, “You didn’t want to move in, did you?” he asks stepping closer to me, studying my face.

    “I did, but it has been stressful” I stutter wiping off the tears, as he clenches his jaw; what he always does whenever he feels nervous.

    “I’m such an idiot,” he breathes out, shaking his head, “I’m so sorry I didn’t talk to you sooner. I’m such an idiot”

    “No, you’re not.”

    “Yes, I am. Babe” he pulls me into a hug, tightly wrapping his arms around my body, and I felt like he needed this hug more than I did.

    “It’s hard” I whisper into his chest, sobbing.

    “I know… I should have known,” he shakes his head again in disappointment, as he buries his nose further into my hair, “It gets better, I promise,” he mumbles, now brushing with his fingers, “I’m so sorry.”

    I don’t speak, as I feel sick to my stomach. I found comfort in Shawn, in this hug, his words. They didn’t change the situation nor the fact that I still wanted to cry my heart out, but he calmed me down.

    “Is it too much for you? Do you want to…” he pulled back examining my face, “do you want to go back home?”

    “No” I quickly say, but he cuts me off.

    “I’d understand if you did. I’d get it” he continues, as I shake my head in disagreement.

    “I just want this to be over” I mumble again, “I can’t wait for this to be over. I didn’t think it would take so long to get used to all of this.”

    “I know it’s hard, I’ve been through this” Shawn says, and he pulls me back, letting his arms quickly examine my body until he finally rests them on my waist, “You know, I’ve been through this.”

    “You did?”

    “Yeah. When I had to leave Toronto for the first time, I went on tour. It has been so hard. I know it’s a little different since I didn’t have to actually move out, but it was still hard to find comfort in a new place. Or to get used to seeing your friends and family through a small screen,” he continues, and I remain silent, fully concentrating on his voice, since I can't see him.

    I tightly squeeze him, trying to pull myself closer to his body, even though that was technically impossible. I hear Shawn’s slight chuckle at my actions, and he brushes my hair lovingly.

    “But then when you’re away for too long, it starts to eat you away. You feel lost, and everything is so fucking overwhelming,” he speaks.

    “I know” I nod.

    “And then when I moved out to this apartment. It was very unusual. I’ve been telling everybody that I loved being on my own, threw some parties in here. But...you wanna know a secret?” he suddenly asks, pulling back to see my reaction.

    “Sure."

    “I’ve never felt like home here until you moved in with me. You kind of completed the picture. Like the last puzzle; you’ve made my life fall into its place. Everything started to make sense. This place, my music,” he says biting his lower lip.

    “Shawn” I cup his cheeks with my palms, feeling a smile spreading on my face, “I have a feeling I’ll feel the same way soon.”

    “I hope you will. You know, it takes time to get used to things as drastic as this. But if it doesn’t change, let me know, okay?” he asks, and I nod, “We can move to another place whenever you say, I can move to your hometown if you want to, I mean-”

    “No need in that” I interrupt him, stroking his cheek, “Thank you for making me feel better. I actually never thought that you felt the same way before.”

    He smiles back, and places a kiss onto my forehead. And even though it would take time to get used to this new environment, I had a better feeling about it. I felt like it will get better. Just the way it did for Shawn.

    “It will get better, I promise” he whispers one more time, reassuring me in new thought settling in my mind.

MASTERLIST

Some of my recent works:

“Are we actually dancing to Charlie on Sunday morning in the gym?” - Shawn is all grumpy so you go to the gym with him and try to lift up his mood by playing some of his songs.

You smell like peaches - Shawn tells you how good you smell while you cuddle up in bed. (blurb)

You don’t wear lipstick because of me? - Shawn finds out that you don’t wear a lipstick because of him while you’re getting ready for a dinner with his team. (blurb)

You’re so clingy right now - You try to do your homework but Shawn keeps making you lose your focus. 

Do I smell jealousy? - Shawn gets jealous and makes a scene when you talk about a movie actor you find attractive.

A Huge Surprise - Shawn has been away for two months and he is forced to choose whether to visit you or his family first.

Have you been reading tweets this whole time? - Shawn and you stay up late to read the tweets after “In My Blood” gets released. 

[canaryatlaw]

alright, it’s a bit past midnight so I should get writing. today was pretty good. I woke up to my alarm at 10:30 which gave me half an hour to make myself presentable from the waist up at least for my Skype interview, lol, which wasn’t too difficult to get done. The interview went pretty well, it was fairly informal because they’re basically a company that gets projects from law firms that are outsourcing and they can submit our resumes for projects and see if we get selected. Most of them are fairly short term but would be a solid work day, and it would be on location in the loop which I think is probably a good thing because even if I had work to do on my laptop I still think being in my apartment alone all day would drive me nuts. So that’s looking positive, he said compensation differs per project but the unlicensed stuff is generally $22-$25 an hour while some of the licensed work (which I could do if it was available) would be more in the $30′s, so that’s good. Didn’t last all that long, but it was good. From there I kinda bummed around a bit before getting ready and heading out to my haircut appointment. It’s been a lot better than the freezing temps from last week, but it was still like 32 today so not exactly warm. I decided my best option to get there was to walk a bit to a bus that goes right by the Ulta, so I did that. I arrived a few minutes early so I browsed the products for a few before heading back to their salon area. I always love seeing my salon person because she’s super great and we always have a great time talking while she's doing my hair, and we had lots to catch up on since I hadn’t been there since July (since I’ve kinda been letting my hair grow out). Today was basically just to make all of it more even because it was a good deal longer in the back than in the front, so we got it more into a traditional bob cut which is generally my preferred hair length so I’m pleased with that. Once we were done I went back to viewing their products because I had a few things written down that I was looking for, so I picked up a concealer from them that’s supposed to be really good and a bottle of lotion because I’m almost out of the stuff the allergist told me to get. So I checked out there, then walked down to the Sephora down the street, because one of the things I was looking for was Sephora brand, so I couldn’t just get it at Ulta. I was looking at eyeliner options and such at Ulta but decided to hold off till I get to Sephora. So once I got there I found the lip stain pencils I had been looking for (I can’t like, do anything lip color that has any scent whatsoever because my body hates me so I can basically only use lip stains) then talked to some employees a bit about finding a black eyeliner that wouldn’t kind of smear down my face as the day goes on and a mascara that was a bit less clumpy than the one I was using. I felt bad because I was coming in and complaining about what were basically their top of the line products (I had been using urban decay eyeliner and better than sex waterproof mascara) but they just kinda laughed at that and said it was really fine, the better than sex mascara is their top seller but if you asked any of the employees in the store for the best one, they probably wouldn’t pick that. But they got me hooked up with some good options that I was able to test (sanitarily, thankfully, they seem to have that down) so I got those along with the two lip stains, and picked up a tiny bottle of hand lotion to keep in my purse from the check out line. Once I was done there I had to walk a bit over to where the nearest Sally’s location is, which happened to be closer to my old job than I thought it was (I could see the building from the front of the store) so I was kinda 😑 about that but oh well. I was looking for the same bleach kit I got there back in like, 2015, the last time I had lightened some streaks in my hair, and after some consultation with the employees I found it fairly easily and got that. At this point it was threatening to ice storm starting within an hour or so, which meant if I took the red line home by the time I would have to make my 20 minute walk home there’s a fair chance I could get stuck walking through an ice storm, which I would definitely like to avoid, so I went ahead and got an $8 uber pool which worked out nicely. There were two other pool people, one of which was loudly on her phone for pretty much all of it, and once she got off the driver started laughing and telling us everything that was going on before we got in the car and it was pretty funny. the uber app again attempted to drop me in the middle of the street where I’d have to jaywalk across a fairly busy road to get home, but I was paying attention to the app and asked to just be dropped off at the corner before that, which they thankfully did, so I appreciated that (at this point I’m like, should I like write to uber about this?? because it’s definitely a safety hazard, like I’d probably be fine but if it’s doing this to other people they could end up in a very bad situation, but idk if it would actually make a difference, sigh). Got home and unpacked all my stuff before going to the couch with my laptop where I finished the rest of the episode about crazy cool homes I had been watching on netflix before switching over to whatever the news was saying and just leaving it on there for a bit. Jess wasn’t planning on coming over because it was supposed to ice storm. but apparently it never actually did....so she came over and we ordered sushi/Japanese food (because we’re literally always on the same page about food lol. She hasn’t been keeping up with The Flash but was two weeks behind on Arrow so we watched last week’s episode before watching last night’s episode which we missed. It was a rather peculiar episode I would say, I don’t know how I feel about the whole documentary format, I didn’t really feel like it added much to the plot (thought I did appreciate seeing at least 30 seconds of my girl Sara on the screen). The plot with William was kinda weird, then of course there was the flash forward at the end regarding the documentary and someone named “Connor” (as in Connor Hawke) which would make a lot more sense as a timeline that it would reasonably be John Diggle Jr. than it did when he supposedly showed up in 2046 and was definitely not pushing 40. Once we finished that we were kinda meh about anything else we had to pay too much attention to because Jess was writing and I had been trying to figure out how to get my podcast mic to work since the other pieces came in today, but unfortunately I’ve been entirely unsuccessful so far, I ordered another piece that some online sources said will solve the problem, so I’m hoping that will work, because I’m pretty much lost as to how to get it to work. So for these reasons we turned on netflix’s Sabrina show which we’ve been casually watching without putting too much commitment into, so we finished the last episode we were on then got about halfway through the next one before the blu ray player started wigging out and not working, so at that point Jess headed home and I switched over to live tv, just in time for the democratic response to the SOTU address, which I was very intentionally not tuning into, but I thought the response was pretty damn good, especially compared to the one the democrats gave after president douche’s last televised speech. From there it led onto news which I let play for a little bit before starting to get ready for bed and hopping in the shower, and now I am here. I am quite tired at this point since I did get to bed awfully late last night and didn’t sleep in all that much, so I would very much like to be asleep as soon as possible, so I’m gonna do that now. Goodnight babes. Stay lovely.

[mhdiaries]

Diary of Clawdia Wolf

I’ll make you a villain if you read my diary.

August 25th

Today I was walking through the streets of Londoom I just wanted to howl and do a little dance because I’m so excited to be here. I didn’t, of course, do the dancing part, since I’m the one with the “clumsy gene” in our family and I didn’t want to fall through an open monster hole cover. It has never bothered me that I’m not as athletic as the rest of the pack, because I think it was pretty apparent even when I was a cub that I was better at writing stories about my brothers’ and sisters’ athletic exploits than participating in them. It’s not that I didn’t try, but my mind and body may have been in concert but they were not playing the same tune. I remember the last organized soccer game I played: the coach put me in the goal partly because I was tall for my age and partly because he thought that perhaps the prospect of a ball being rocketed toward me might keep my attention. It worked for a bit, until the ball stayed at the other end of the pitch for a while, and a butterfly landed on the net. All of a sudden I became a ferocious were-spider who decided to give the butterfly a reprieve. So I climbed up in the net to shoo it away when I heard my dad yell, “Clawdia, turn around!” A ghoul was on a breakaway, and the only thing between her and me was open pitch and the ball. I tried to turn, and my spikes caught in the net, so I just closed my eyes and leaped toward the front of the goal. Somehow the ball ended up in my claws, and I kept the ghoul from scoring. It was my one and only athletic achievement, so I retired with my legacy in check and got a good story out of it, which, I’m sure, will end up in one of my screamplays some day.

September 8th

I was sitting in the lecture hall today not really paying attention like I should have been, partly because I was working on a not-for-that-class writing assignment and partly, okay, mostly, because symbolism in ghost-modern, neo-realist goblin cinema is only slightly less painful than rolling in flea-infested wolf’s bane. Honestly, I have no idea what a goblin miner wearing a red hat and pushing an empty ore cart says about the state of modern goblin-kobold relations. I’m sure it is profound and important, but well... it doesn’t matter. What did matter, howere, was that the professor asked a question that he wanted all of us to answer, and I didn’t hear the question. I could have asked him to repeat the question, of course, but then I would have had to acknowledge that I had not been paying attention, and since this particular professor hates that, I knew I was going to have to wing it on the answer. Which made me nervous, which made me look for something to chew on, which meant I wasn’t listening to the other answers, which meant I didn’t have a clue when he got to me. So when he said, “Ms. Wolf?” I said I didn’t think I could add anything to the discussion that had not been more profoundly stated in the answers my classmates had already given. This caused the rest of the class to burst out laughing, to which the professor said, “While I appreciate your humility, your answer leaves us no closer to knowing how many siblings you have.” I was mortalfied, but even more so when he said, “Please do try and pay better attention going forward.” Unlive and learn, Clawdia, unlive and learn.

September 15th

I’ve been using my iCoffin tablet to do some of my writing lately, and I really like it. I mean, I like the tablet. It’s great for doing video chats, and there are some really cool Londoom based apps that have helped me find my way around the city better. As for the writing part, I still prefer my chewed pen and leghoul pad. It may be old-fashioned, but there’s something about a blank sheet of paper that’s less intimidating than a blank scream with a blinking cursor.

October 1st

The only thing that’s coming down faster than the temperature in Londoom right now is the rain. I’m not sure what the real temp is, but you know it’s cold when a werewolf has to put on her fuzzy wool socks... brrr... fortunately, dad did a good job preparing me for this climate by never allowing to turn the thermostat up past the “I can see my breath” mark during the winter. We would say, “Dad, the house is freezing!” to which he would always reply, “You can either have heat or you can eat.” Followed quickly by, “We’re werewolves, for ghoul’s sake, put on a sweater if you’re cold.” Then we’d all look at mom, who would just shrug her soldiers. It was one of the only things she couldn’t change his mind about. So we’d all just sit snuggled together on the couch watching bad TV, complaining about Howleen’s sharp, unclipped paw nails and making promises about what we’d do when we all moved out and got our own places. I distinctly remember saying that I would turn up the heat so high that it would make Gloom Beach seem like a Yeti cave. So the first time it got cold here, I did just that, and it was every bit as amazing as I imagined it would be, until I got my first heating bill. Let’s just say that grocery shopping for the next few weeks gave me a completely different perspective on dad’s old saying. I’m pretty confident that saltines and marmite will never darken the shelves of my cupboard again after having that formerly tasty combination as my only breakfast and lunch option for a fortnight. I’m really missing being able to snuggle up on the couch with my pack of siblings, and I wouldn’t even complain about Howleen’s uncut paw nails... well, maybe not a lot.  

October 6th

I had a great video chat with the fam tonight, and they could not stop talking about Draculaura being chosen as queen of the vampires. They were in complete shock, and I have to admit it was quite a surprise to me as well. The vampires haven’t had a queen since the last chosen one, a young vampire ghoul named Elissabat, disappeared some 400 years ago. What is really curious about this, as if Draculaura being chosen as the new queen right out of the boo wasn’t curious enough, is that Clawdeen told me Draculaura’s choice was confirmed by the Vampire’s Heart. I have actually been doing quite a bit of research on the heart, which is really just a massive jewel with magical properties, for a screamplay I wanted to write about the mystery of the missing queen. There are many scholars that believe the jewel disappeared at the same time the ghoul who would be queen did; so either the scholars are incorrect, or there is more here than meets the eye. I didn’t want to be the one to rain on the funeral though, until I had a little more proof, especially with Clawdeen being so excited about attending the coronation. I did notice that Clawd wasn’t in the room with everyone else, and I’m wondering how he is dealing with this news.

October 7th

Clawdeen has sent me at least 30 texts and emails since last night detailing the fashions she’s thinking about taking to the coronation. I can see her now running around the room with absolutely every piece of clothing she owns spread out so she can mix and match fashions. She’s probably also been through Draculaura’s closet several times as well. I love her so much and I wish I could be there to make her laugh when she starts getting too serious. She’s so beautiful, though, that whatever she chooses will probably steal the show. I finally got an IM from Clawd asking if we could talk. This wasn’t unusual, since Clawd prefers one-on-one conversation to fighting for face time in a group. When he popped up on the screen he looked terrible, almost like he’d been crying, although it might have just been bad lighting. As usual, Clawd didn’t want to talk about himself and instead wanted to know every little thing I was doing. I finally had to say, “Stop howling around the moon and talk to me, little brother.” So he did. He told me that he didn’t trust the Lord Stoker character that showed up with the Vampire’s Heart claiming it led him to Draculaura. What’s more, neither did Draculaura. They both thought Draculaura would be miserable being queen, but that she would feel honor and duty bound to take the throne. Even so he was trying to be as supportive as possible and went on for a few more minutes about things that were worrying him. When he stopped I said, “You really love her, don’t you?” He looked down for a moment and swallowed hard, “She’s my best friend, sis, and I’m about to lose her forever.” Now it was my turn to swallow hard, and then he made an excuse about having to leave for practice and said a hasty goodbye. I’m going to do some more digging into this, because something doesn’t pass the smell test here, and a Wolf’s nose is always right.

[krnaturalphoto]

Water Gap 50K

When I decided that along with some of my friends we were going to try to run our first 50k this year we initially only planned to do one. Then during the process of training one of my friends training for our first 50k with me mentioned that there was another 50k later in the year that she was considering doing. That sounded potentially fun and something we could possibly do if we felt like it after our first 50k and we still had any interest in running that distance. Over time the idea of running a second 50k this year just kinda fell by the wayside. After our first 50k we never really discussed it.

Then my other friend who ran our first 50k together this year mentioned to me about one and a half months ago that she was thinking about running the other 50k we had talked about previously. And that is all it took. I was in for a second 50k. And that is how I ended up running the Water Gap 50k from Red Newt Racing. All it takes is that one friend who is a bad influence and you get sucked right into another race.

I did not have a particularly good summer of running leading into training for this race. I had no idea what to expect for this training cycle or race. I had battled a lot of soreness over the summer, but I was ready to add in some miles and see how things went. I basically just ran normally during the week and added one long run in at the end of the week. Because of our condensed training time, we only decided to commit to this about a month and a half out from the race we added two miles to our long run each week with no decreases in mileage along the way, just a constant increase in miles. The only week where there was a decrease in miles was the week before the race where most people would taper and for the taper I rested most of the week and then another tough trail race, the Green Monster Trail Challenge 25k which has over 3000 ft of elevation gain. So not really a restful taper. We don’t really do things by the book around here.

Our goal for this race was to finish the 50k in under six hours. I really had no idea what to expect from this race particularly with the condensed training, but after all our long run results we felt pretty confident that we would be in good shape.

I prefer to run in cooler weather, so I was pretty happy as the race approached and the forecast was showing that it would be cooler than the week before. What I was not prepared for was sleeping in a tent overnight in the nearly freezing cold temperatures and then starting only my second 50k race at those same nearly freezing cold temps. That was a little bit of overkill on the, I hope it is colder than last race, wish-fulfillment. But it was still better than being too hot.

This was a very different type of race for me. The course was relatively flat and relatively straight. I have never run a road marathon before (However it looks like that will change next year.) so running 31 miles on flat straight terrain was new to me. I always feel like the constantly changing course of most trail runs benefit my legs by constantly changing my stride and that keeps my muscles from tightening up, but with this course my stride was mostly the same the whole way. I think the combination of that factor and the cold made my hips especially very tight and uncomfortable for most of the race. Even in the beginning when I should have felt good. There were points during the race where we were wishing we could just do a little climbing, something that anyone who knows me knows I never say. We just wanted to break stride and activate some other muscles. I usually love downhill running and there were some very nice little downhills in the beginning of the course that I enjoyed, but by the second half of the race what downhills there were I couldn’t really enjoy because I was too stiff and tight.

Despite all the challenges of training for and then running this race we were at the half way point and pretty sure that unless something catastrophic happened we would be able to make our time goal. During the second half of the race we spent a lot of time doing mental calculations and figuring out how much time we could afford to give back as we got more tired and the wheels started to come off. We would have to run about seven miles farther than our longest training run so one never really knows how it will go. I also spent our training runs trying to work out a new fuel strategy which I never really figured out and then made some unwise choices for pre-race meals the night before that lead me to completely abandon what I was planning to do for fuel that had worked on my previous 50k. Instead I ran the whole race on gels and tailwind until the last aid station where a peanut butter and jelly sandwich was calling my name. It was the first time I felt like eating any solid food other than M&M’s.

We slowed down significantly in the second half of the race but did succeed in finishing under our time goal at 5 hrs and 47 min.

The course was a really nice course and had the opportunity to be gorgeous, but the freezing temperatures and cloud cover most of the day made it hard to enjoy the scenery.  There were a few burst of sunlight peaking through the clouds to brighten things up, however when you are in the middle of a 50k those only serve to heat you up more than you would like. A lot of the course is run on a nice wide gravel trail with trees on one side and an open field on the other side. Those sections are primarily flat. I really loved the sections of the course when you are running through the woods. Some of those sections were more technical and had more elevation changes to them. The woods, the technical trail, and the elevation changes are all thing s I love in the sport of trail running. There were some nice sections where you run pretty close to the river, which again would have been a little nicer if there wasn’t complete cloud cover. My favorite part of the race was a section where you are in the woods and you drop down across a short but relatively steep decent that is narrow and drops off to both sides and then when you get to the bottom you pull a U-turn and go back the way you came at a completely different elevation level and you enter this section of the woods that is like a small twisty canyon for a second. Its kind of narrow and wooded. When I got to that spot I was just like, wow this is why I do this.

Another aspect of this race that I could not possibly oversell is the fact that myself and two of my friends ran the race and then two more friends crewed us at the race the whole time. I ran the entire race with my friend who talked me into running the race. I have never before run an entire race with someone before, that was a nice experience and if nothing else it makes the concept of a race less stressful. Its more like just another long training run with your friend. I highly recommend that if you are going to run an ultra and can make a weekend with your friends out of it, do it. You will not regret it.

At this race I again tried something a little bit different. I only shot video with my GoPro’s and no photos. I then used my software to extract photos from the video. I am not happy with the results of those photos. The photos did not turn out as well as I would have hoped. After these last two races I will go back to some of my methods I have used in the past. This is what happens when you are always pushing the limits and trying new things. Sometimes things don’t go as well as you would like.

from Water Gap 50K

[weracetogether]

Adventures in SwimRunNC- Race Report (and more) http://ift.tt/2yDLZCa In April the 140.6 Patrick and I were set to race in October was cancelled. A few things came of this-- disappointment and opportunity. Sure we were no longer going to be racing across Delaware but little did we know what exploits were ahead of us. I went looking for something "fun" and "different". A friend had mentioned SwimRun events to us previously. A quick google search lead me to SwimRun NC. I don't recall which race we were driving home from as I sat in the passenger seat and inputted an application to the race.

We waited, we started to run more trails but not overly focused in this area, as we were not sure if we would be racing fall trails. We waited some more, learning to swim with each other in a line or side by side. We waited a little longer, to the point that I figured there would be no new adventure this fall. Then while I was showering one morning Patrick came in the bathroom asking if I knew. Knew what? That we were in if we wanted the spot. A team had dropped and we had a spot to race SwimRun NC. There are no other words to express my thoughts, while I stood there smiling with excitement all I could express was "Oh SHIT!!!!" With an ecstatic heart and worried mind I paid our entry fee and signed our names to the 2017 roster.   Since at this point we had weeks to train we increased our trail running but since the 20 mile swim I had been slacking on swimming Plus every time I wanted to swim the wind was whipping up waves or the jellyfish were in attack mode, so bailing on swims became too easy. Race day was quickly approaching- I knew it had to be getting close based on the scrapes and bruises I had from falling during woods training runs.

Starting out

There were a few things we already knew- the terrain would not be Florida sand and hills, we knew we would be in NC foothills, going up a mountain on rocks; we knew the water would not be our warm salt assisted water, we knew it would be cold but fresh; we knew the weather would be a major factor, but this factor was just another day for us Floridians. We packed up our short cut wetsuits, rope, pressure bandage, shoes, swim paddles and buoy, and courage and headed north to the mountains. As we drove the leaves began to change and so did the weather report. The rains were setting up for after the race as a front brought colder temperatures. No worries, this was after the race. We made the final drive into the mountains and the day brought another change in weather, the rains would happen the night before and morning of the race and the dropping temperatures would happen as we raced. Well, this was suppose to be an adventure, right?

The prerace meeting was encouraging-- look for the yellow and pokadot ribbons and have fun. I do have to say we were a little worried with the conversations of Ironman achievements going on between most of the athletes that not everyone was there to have fun. But we have never been at a race for the benefit of others or to show off our accomplishment list; we were here for the love of the sport and to try something new. Better than the "let's have fun" message was the other bonus for racing- letters written by elementary school students wishing the athlete luck!! Our author even hoped we would bring home the trophy. Only in our hearts!!

Race morning alarms woke us to find it raining outside. We geared up in swimsuits and sweatpants and loaded the remaining gear. I ate my yogurt as Patrick drove up the winding mountain roads, covered in rain and leaves.  At the start site the air temp was in the mid 50's, not bad. The problem was more so that the winds were picking up and the front was pushing in. We chatted with other athletes as we wiggled into wetsuits and stuffed supplies in sleeves. We readied ourselves at the start line and after a few inaudible words (because we were int eh back of the pack) and a quick kiss, the horn sounded and the pack let loose.

 The first stage was four miles up the mountain (with a few downhills). During this trek we would encounter the waterfalls and some climbing opportunities. The one problem we ran into was with all the groups starting at the same time there was a bit of a logjam as people were single-file up the rocks. This was a beautiful start to the race and our first time getting our feet wet in the cold streams running down the mountainside.

The top found us looking out over the lake. The push up the mountain had turned out wetsuits into personal saunas. One would think, "Oh this water is going to feel great." Well the answer is yes and no, both said immediately and at the same time. The water was in the lower 50's. Our warm bodies were instantly cooled, this quick temperature drop made it a challenge to catch my breath for the first few strokes. So there are no buoys (except at the out) in SwimRun. We were navigating blind with matters made worse by fogging goggles. As the cold water rushed out suits we fell into a rhythm. Patrick stopped to clear his goggles a few times and then spotted off me as we moved through the lake. About 2/3rd of the way through we started to see trees in the lake. Let me tell you when you are swimming along seeing nothing and all of a sudden there is a freaking tree under you it is a little freaky!!! And for a Gulf swimmer every algae plumb or piece of grass was for sure a jellyfish!!! We stood up in the muck and made our way to dry land. We ran for a short period and then back in the water for a quick swim. Then we went down the damn and back to the lake entry point, again we went around. This time the cold water was making my hands become pins and needles. There was no warming up between plunges. Patrick again watched me to his right and we fell into sync with each other. The lake trees didn't surprise me this second time around, but their eerie presents gives way to the realization that the cold is real in the lake, freezing items with their summer coverings. This time down the hillside to the damn there were few around us, we were racing the clock to not get stopped short of the mountain climb. For this reason we zipped past the volunteers offering fluids and food, grabbing only what was right in front of us, and leaped over the race mat to start our climb. The hike up Moore's Wall to Moore's Knob (here after known as "the TOP") is a climb of just less than 2 miles. Seems reasonable, except it is comprised of 642 "trail" stairs. See trail stairs are different than normal stairs. If I tell you there are 642 steps, you think "Oh I love the stair master" or"I walk up the stairs each day to work". But trail steps are a different beast. They are uneven in height and length. They are spread out and then close together. They are covered is a light slime from the rain and slippery with mud and small gravel. They don't give at all when your hamstrings cramp from the cold and you miss a centimeter of height you needed to clear the step. As the trees were beginning to thin we could feel the winds increase, noticing now more than before that the temperature was dropping. Clapping, we started to hear clapping! A volunteer stood there cheering us to the top. He was a beautiful site. A little more of a climb and we were there at the top looking over the edge. Even though we were only halfway this was our trophy moment. We stood and watched the hawks fly below us over the tree tops painted with autumn colors. I pushed to the edge as far as Patrick would let me go, after all I was tied to him and there was no net!! The mist and clouds swirled around us and the wind blow the cold air against our faces. Int hat moment the burn faded and the beauty of all that surrounding us filled us with warmth. The TOP the glorious TOP. But as it has been said what goes up, must go down.

The TOP

It was a fleeting moment of warmth. Now the downhill portion began, knowing that at the bottom of the hill we would be greeted again by the cold waters of the mountain lake. The terrain was rocky giving way to roots. Knowing we were halfway we spent much of the downhill laughing at the "trouble" I managed to get us into and telling stories of other times we went looking for waterfalls or exploring wooded trails.We spent much of our time just the two of us, we would pass a team here and there, offering "hellos" and "we got this" remarks. We were good alone in the woods. The trees this time parted to a view of the lake. Swim gear on we dove in. The water rushing into our wetsuits, cooling us and then beginning the hypothermia process again. Somehow this time I had gotten onto the wrong side of Patrick. It was awkward on his left, but my brain could not figure out how to stop an get to the other side of him. Finally he popped up and told me to get over. FIXED!!! We quickly fell into our rhythm. Patrick began to push hard and was pulling away a little; I knew he was in the zone, trying to forget about the cold and push his body to not shiver in the water. My body cooled faster this time and I could feel my hypothermia symptoms of hip pain and my hands pushing against the swim paddles in an attempt to become claws. We popped up at the out again, gathering ourselves. We ran on feet so cold they felt as if we were walking on pebbles in our shoes. Again across the smaller swim and down the damn. This time Patrick informed me that the hypothermia was making him able to see better!!! Yep in that moment I realized between the swims he was not putting back on his glasses. Hew as going down the muddiest, slipperiest, most unsafe section of the course blind, and me in front!!! I assured him that clarity was not a normal symptom of hypothermia; it was more so his brain shutting down and not caring about clarity! What could we do but laugh!! We made it back for the last lake loop. Paddles on and buoys set between our legs we dove back in. By now the air temperature was starting to drop to where our cold arms could feel the cool or the air against the "warmth" of the water. This time Patrick was a little slower out of the water, trying to step carefully onto land. He wasn't use to being so skinny and cold (lol)!!! The little crossing was fast and soon we found ourselves back down the damn. We stopped at the clocking check point to be sure to be marked. Here the race director, Herbert, asked us how we were feeling and rubbed Patrick's arms to help get blood flowing. All the while telling us to untether. Wait, untether? No our team made the choice to be sure we were close enough and to stay tethered through the event. Herbert looked at us in a way that I am not sure if it was disbelief in us having survived making it down the mountain or in questioning again this "sacrificial lamb" race team even being on the race course! Herbert helped us untether, because regardless of the looks intent it was clear he was going to "help us out". Now to be honest we came close to reconnecting on the other side of the road, since hell we made it this far!! Again we laughed down the mountain.

I say we laughed but the cold was taking a toll on me and the downhill was not helping. My hip was tight and painful, making each step feel like a needle going into my bone. To add to the problem my diaphragm was cramped limiting my ability to stand up right or breathe. So there are two things you want to be able to do while racing- make forward motion and breathe! I was failing at both. I had thought a few times during this event that pulling off the course and calling it a day would be an option. This is not normally my mind set in a race but I was hurting, more than in most race. I was slowing our team from forward motion having to slow from the pain then try again and again. I knew I wasn't an easy teammate to be "tied" to in that moment but in the moment I was ready to cry, Patrick turned to me, "We got this" and smiled. I laughed. I was so far from "getting this"in that moment. My body felt like it was failing me; I was angry at myself for not being able to push harder; I was frustrated that I had the thought of giving up; I was scared of disappointing Patrick. I looked around and in the woods, as the leaves danced in the wind above us, I could not have felt more loved. We found a few more volunteers and then saw what we had been waiting for, the entrance into the river. Yes, we had been begging to freeze again because it would be the last time. For me this meant little pressure on my hip and chest. It meant being in my element where I felt comfortable even in the cold. I was in a place I knew I could control.

We entered the river with smiles and foggy goggles (again). As we moved down the river we hit a deep spot where the current was flowing fast, we were on our way. Well, we were until I saw a ripple, hit a rock on the edge and then turned to yell "ROCK" at Patrick just as he pulled a Little Mermaid move, ramping up on the rock with a few choice words! He unbeached (unrocked?) himself and we headed down the shallow river again. Given that Patrick could not see the ripples indicating rocks, I kept yelling, "10 yards, 5 yards, ROCKS!" Oh the fun. We made the turn and saw the exit, moving towards the side and stepping over the last few large rocks, we made it back to land. Up about 20 steps and a 50 yards run to the finish line. Hand in hand we crossed. Patrick bent over after the finish, laughing with his hand on his knees. All I could do was to hug him, smiling, knowing what he just overcame because I had this idea one day. We were soon joined by Herbert with a smile asking, "Was it great?" Yes. Yes, it was great.

All smiles and love

Unpacking at Home :)

Once we had gathered ourselves (very quickly) we made our way to the Jeep to get out of the cold wet clothes. Frozen hands do not make it easy to get a wetsuit off. We heated up the Jeep just to blow warm air out on us. Yep that's right here is the visual- Two people, cold, shivering, laughing, trying to not get stickers in their feet, changing clothes at the back of a Jeep, at some point half stuck in a wetsuit, with the doors open to warm the outside air!!! The air temperature dropped from mid 50's to mid 40's, the winds picked up, the water temperature around 54 degrees; there were 90 teams on the mountain that morning, 83 teams finishing; over 14 miles of running, almost 2 miles of swimming, and over 2000 feet of climb; but all I remember are the laughs. Next year.... Bonus awesomeness with entry fees the group purchased a fire suppression vehicle to help control forest fires.   Photos (the clearly professional and amamzing ones) thanks to Brian Fancher, Richard Hill, and Brian Lefevre. Thank you gentlemen for the beautiful representation of the day. If you can, please help us support the Navy SEAL Foundation. Teresa's Donation Page for Tampa Bay Frogman Swim 2018 Teresa is actively raising money for the Navy Seal Foundation.  For more information please read this: Supporting the Navy Seal Foundation- Frogman Swim    We've been blogging for a while now. If you enjoyed this one, you may enjoy others. Look though the Blog Archive on the right, for more of our experiences and random thoughts.  Thank you for your ongoing support of our adventures.   Please feel free to share our blog.

[jeninthegarden]

Return of the Eggs

The air has warmed, but the ground has not. It is still hard and uneven underfoot when I walk in my defective duck boots across the back yard to the chicken coop in the morning. (My duck boots are from LL Bean and I am thinking of returning them with the explanation that never in the 17 years I’ve had them have they walked to the chicken coop through the snow and ice to feed the chickens without me!) A month ago we had a warm spell and rain that turned the yard into a sea of mud where you sank to your ankles with every step. Part of the unevenness now is those deep, frozen footprints. Mine, the kids, deer, coyote, cats, and other, smaller critters that took a walk about and then went back to bed. My own prints are so deep I have to be careful now not to turn an ankle tripping in one. There is still snow and ice in the shady spots. I had the happy forethought to put a heavy plastic over the top of the wire covered run so snow doesn’t build up in the chicken run. And I have one side of the run under the coop blocked with plastic for a wind break. The chickens like to hang out under there. Still ice in the water feeder each morning, but I don’t have to use a candle during the day anymore to keep it unfrozen. This was my own solution because my coop has no electricity or heat. I was inspired by a terra cotta candle heater they say can heat a room in a house, and cast iron teapot warmers. I have a flat paving stone with three garden pot feet holding up an inverted terra cotta pot. Under the pot is a votive candle in a pint mason jar. I light it in the morning when the daytime temps are below freezing. The candle and some warm water in the feeder to start will let the chickens drink all day. They don’t need the water at night so it doesn’t matter that the candle goes out in the afternoon. Been away for a few days so I took my coffee out to the coop this morning and sat for a little social time with the hens. One or two like to sit on my knee to warm their feet for a few minutes. They are almost two years old now to the day. I raised them from day old so they are imprinted on me and would like to go wherever I go. Since they were born in February, and I was generally wearing my black fleece jacket all the time when they were chicks, they seem to recognize me quicker if I am wearing black. The added daylight is definitely helping egg production. We’re back up to 3-4 eggs a day now (from 8 chickens). The Easter Egger (a rarer blue and gold colored that lays grey-green eggs) was a steady layer this winter except for the end of December and beginning of January. The two Swedish flower hens (one brandy and white with no tuft, one black and white with head tuft) both lay a couple eggs a week straight through the winter. Their 18 molt was also almost a non-event. They had a 4 week stretch of no eggs in October with barely noticeable feather loss. The Buff Orpington deserves honorable mention. Her molt was dramatic and lasted late September through early November, but she started laying again in late January. My other 4 hens: 1 Black Astralorp, 1 Cream Legbar and 2 Welsummers all did their molt through October and only started laying again this past week. And the Welsummers started up again with these horribly elongated eggs I thought would be double yokes, but were not. My Astralorp just laid a much smaller than usual egg. A neighbor reported her Astralorp got eggbound trying to start laying again last week. It was panting as if it had a respiratory infection, and then laid a yoke-less, bad smelling egg after about 24 hours. Definitely something to watch out for. I had not previously heard of this issue. But seeing the different sized/shaped eggs the hens are producing as they start to lay again after a few months off, it appears they can run into difficulties.

#backyard chickens #chicken eggs

[ohh-kaye]

my grad year in notes

13/01/2020 21:59

day one orientation complete.

i don’t know how i’ll do this. maybe i’ll update when i can but let’s see if i can finish this year and i’m still doing this. HELLO FUTURE ME! I HOPE YOU WEREN’T FIRED!

1. a lot of sitting was done today

2. i walked in on someone taking a shit

3. i didn’t wear my uniform so me and this other guy stood out

4. i’m the only one going to ed

5. i met quite a lot of people today, all of whom are just as scared as i am

6. there’s more sitting tomorrow

16/01/2020 21:54

lookie lookie i forgot to write anything for the last 2 days

i won’t recap the days i’ve missed bc cbf

1. supernumerary shift began today

2. worked with ash and abbie. nice nurses to start working with bc i’m lost.

3. none of my patients were horrible

4. didn’t get to handover. didn’t get to do a full work-up on my own. didn’t get to do any meds. didn’t get to sign onto oacis. didn’t get to do my corporate orientation. must do these before next week

5. still too shy to talk to anyone. will get there

6. saw another classmate from uni whose finishing her grad year

7. nervous for tomorrow’s next supernumerary shift because it’ll be the last before i’m on my own

8. uniform arrived today. no one picked up

21/01/2020 23:16

i keep forgetting to do these. it’s already going downhill.

1. second day on the floor but first day being semi-independent

2. have yet to give handover

3. worked with erika. she’s just finished her grad

4. chill shift so not too stressed out

5. feeling a little less scared now

6. uni students just started and i’m relieved because i’m not the only one whose confused

7. i hope i gave all my meds

22/01/2020 21:33

STUDY DAY ONE COMPLETE!

1. this day happened at the perfect time. it’s smack dab in the middle of my week where i have to work 5 days straight

2. it’s nice to see everyone and catch up with them and see how they’re all doing

3. everyone seems so be in a state of struggle and particularly this one dude who i feel bad for. i hope he’ll recover

4. saw one person from my year and she’s working there (and not as a grad) so i cannot avoid her now

5. considering that everyone is as lost and confused and adjusting as i am, it makes me feel better that we’re all in the same boat

6. lida and me won 2nd place in the treasure hunt

7. sad that the next study date isn’t until march

8. relieved that we do have debrief sessions

9. we received our TPPP book. must read soon and figure out objectives for jess and i to discuss

10. i have a strange feeling that i will breakdown at some point during this year

27/01/2020 22:59

hello i’m tired.

1. first time in area b

2. confused as fuck

3. worked with jess and kam. 10 out of 10 would work with again

4. didn’t get to meet 2 patients that i “had”

5. didn’t handover majority of them to other staff because i had no idea they left

6. 2 demanding patients took up a lot of time

7. 1 of the 2 mentioned ran away. don’t know where the fuck she went

8. pissed off because of her for the last hour or 2

9. getting more comfortable with handing over

10. getting more comfortable with talking to doctors and other nurses

11. breakdown gauge is filling up slowly

04/02/2020 21:09

i swear i keep forgetting to do these. i know i have to do them but i get home and it’s the last thing on my mind.

anywayssss

1. area d morning again. not bad.

2. worked with jess. she’s an actual legend.

3. maybe working in paeds tomorrow???

4. didn’t form good nursing rapport. i sort of just went into rooms, did obs, ask if they needed anything. nothing special

5. everyone’s still really nice. except this one filo nursing who looks at me weird because i smile at her when i see her and she doesn’t so i don’t know if i should even bother bc she does seem like a bitch

6. patient transfers are better if i know my patient

06/02/2020 22:44

last day of being 5 days on.

i’m tired.

1. area a for the first time

2. worked with jess. again. absolute legend.

3. did an oopsie with paracetamol. must remember to give the drug immediately and not wait. also maybe should have double checked that patient had not had a dose yet

4. i forgot to give a discharge letter. AGAIN. will make sure i ask next time

5. lovely patients today

6. nights on my next roster

7. feeling better with working with everyone

16/02/2020 21:54

i have nights tomorrow. holy fuck. i’m actually already tired.

1. have not done objectives yet

2. met the other grad. she seems like she’s got her life together

3. worked with jess but i was in area b so i barely saw her

4. busy as heck but wasn’t too overwhelming this time around

5. alex the doctor is pretty

6. getting better at escalating care and talking with the docs

7. everyone is still nice

8. i saw sue again! sue is the very first nurse i worked with ever! (in 1D) we love sue. sue’s a legend

18/02/2020 15:30

oh lord

1. first night shift DONE!

2. tired

3. this is different than AIN stuff

4. i’m a lot less anxious. but also a lot less relieved

5. tired

6. don’t know how i will survive ronight

7. worked with another jess. she’s 23. she’s only a year older than me and heck she’s got her nursing game together

8. nilda remembered me from placement!

9. handover i did was a mess

23/02/2020 22:30

hi i’m tired

hello tired i’m kaye

1. area b is dumb area b is the bane of my existence

2. i realise now that i hate working on my own because i’m actually retarded

3. my patient was fucking hypothermic, diaphoretic and nauseous. he came in with a chest pain. i took some bloods for a repeat trop but i didn’t flush it because i was putting fluids up (which in hindsight i still should’ve flushed) but i didn’t forget to do it! i was going to do it! but ecg is more important so i was trying to do an ecg but the patient was so sweaty that the leads wouldn’t stay on and he was freezing but also sweating and he was getting chills anytime you took the blanket off of him and i gave him 3 warm blankets already and temp was still low. so amy and i hunted down some friar’s something to dry out the skin but the bottle wouldn’t open. i then had to shave him because he was hairy and then i couldn’t work the clippers so the wife had to step in (and i already had a weird look from them because i assumed she was the daughter when she was the wife ffs) and he was legit judging me and he was almost crying and she had to shave him because i didn’t know what i was doing (thank fuck she was a hairdresser). managed to do an ecg but then the doctor came in and said that i should’ve flushed the cannula and i was like shit and i understand why he was a bit irritated. i would be too. i should’ve flushed it i know. then i got the ecg but he was like secure the cannula first, but i was like but ecg is the priority but he was insistent in securing the cannula and my patient is fucking freezing and amy and i secured it and doctor came in wanting a postural bp and patient’s annoyed that i have to stand him up. he’s still having the chills mind you. got that sorted out in the end. but holy shit. he got better. he apologised to me after and family were thanking me but i felt like shit the whole time because i was an actual fuck up there. i was so lost

4. the other patient who had a blood clot in his leg was really jolly though so that helped lighten the mood. i hope he’s going to be okay

5. i really thought i was going to kill someone today. not in an angry way but in a medical way because i feel like i was being negligent

6. bad day. bad day

7. oh and i misread my roster so i woke up a 0530, about to leave at 0630 only to then find out that i don’t have a shift in the early because my phone didn’t alarm. that was fun

8. there was a new pretty doctor there though. his name is mikee. :) he cute. he’s also filo.

07/03/2020 23:28

everything hurts

a box fell on my face

my nose was bleeding

my face was hurting

and i was crying

1. my first thought was “oh fuck is my nose broken. i can’t go to work if my nose is broken”

2. my nose wasn’t broken

3. it’s banged up and it’s still hurting and i think the inside of my nose is swollen because i can’t breathe as well

4. i probably should’ve gone to ED where i work now but cbf

5. i went to work. i worked with cath.

6. she’s nice

7. jess t told me to keep checking my charts even though she works with me

8. i think it was a warning because she maybe she forgets things???

9. i’m tired though

10. dylan’s pretty but he’s dating someone and i think my heart broke a little bit. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH wtf

i hope i didn’t have a concussion.

10/03/2020 22:28

STUDY DAY TWO COMPLETED!

1. was at modbury gp plus

2. i miss lyell mac

3. everyone’s sort of doing okay?

4. someone cried because her patients kept dying

5. she’s in palliative care. what did she expect?

6. someone moved to a different ward completely???

7. i’m hearing that people are getting overwhelmed

8. and i’m here loving ed and i don’t want to leave

9. i don’t want to go to 2b

10. craig cooper asked the second language people to say one word in their language and all of my tagalog words magically went away and all i could think was “kalabasa” ad i said that and it means pumpkin

11. fucking PUMPKIN???!!! wtf

12. one girl talked for half an hour which delayed the whole class

13. pls stop

14. paula seems nice

15. i still hate people

15/03/2020 23:36

bad day today

1. covid sucks i’m over it

2. worked in area b

3. started off okay

4. then mia went on break.

5. let me preface this that this is not her fault but my overthinking of everything

6. so i was cleaning up a patient’s room and danielle came in and said “Can you work up the patient in front of cubicle 16 because he’s a priority 2 and has chest pain”  so i finished up my stuff quickly and then proceeded to go to cubicle 16 where danielle was already wheeling the patient inside and helping him to the barouche. the family member was there and was not helpful at all. AT ALL. so once he was in bed, danielle went and she called the priority 2. cool. i was left with the patient. i was about to do a workup when the consultant came to respond to the priority 2. she said “you need to do obs first before the work up because i can’t assess him if i don’t know his obs” and i thought “fair enough”. i stopped doing the workup. but then he told me that he needed to go to the toilet. i didn’t think it would’ve been good to take him there because his legs were swollen and it would take forever. so i offered a bottle. i’m not sure if he understood a lot of what i was saying because he did have a language barrier but the family member was not translating anything at all. she legit sat there and watched me struggle. as i was talking to him about the bottle, he started peeing in front of me. urine was leaking through his pants and his gown. i quickly ran out to get a bottle and when i got back, i was wanting to remove his pants to get him to use the bottle but he wouldn’t understand what i was saying. i kept pulling his pants down and saying “can you lift your bottom?” as i was looking at the family member to translate but she was sitting there like a fucking idiot watching her family member piss himself. he wasn’t cooperating and because he looked so unwell, i abandoned ship and proceeded to do the obs. he was in 3 red zones and 2 in yellow zones. i was freaking out at this point. i knew this was CRT criteria but i wanted to tell the consultant first because i assumed that she had taken him on already. i quickly ran to the consultant and told her the obs and that he met CRT criteria. she flat out said “well i don’t care. just give him some panadol and some fluids” and she started writing them up. i was livid at this point because i had never been dismissed like that and i was really concerned and i thought that by seeing how severe his vital signs were, she would encourage me to escalate it further but she didn’t. she didn’t care apparently. as i was walking back to the patient’s room, i saw mia. she was back from break. i called her and said “ i have a new patient for you in cubicle 16″. she seemed fine before this by the way. she asked “did you do a work-up?” and i flipped the folder open and i said “no because i wanted to do obs first” and then she just looked really annoyed and sighing at this point.  i showed her the obs and that he was really unwell and i said what the consultant said that she just wanted panadol and fluids. she said “well, it is what it is”. by this time, she was really annoyed and said “i’ll do it”. i gave her the paperwork and she went into the cubicle shaking her head and looking really annoyed. i was so confused at this point. this threw me off for the rest of the shift. i didn’t know if what i did was right or wrong. i didn’t finish the workup because his obs were more important than me filling out paperwork. and i didn’t get to do panadol and fluids because i literally just received this from the consultant. i don’t know if she was annoyed with me because i didn’t finish anything or if it was because i gave her a sick patient. my mindset was like “well, if she’s back and she’ll be taking over, then what’s the point in me having to finish the workup if i have to tell you again. just do the workup yourself because he is your patient and it would make more sense if you had the full story yourself”. i don’t know. then i hear from the doctor talking to the other doctor that i was freaking out just because his obs were “a bit funny”. i just felt awful

7. everything felt quite tense after. like i didn’t know if i should bother helping because i just kept thinking “what’s the point? she already thinks i’m a bad nurse so i don’t see the point in trying to be helpful”

8. i don’t know if i’m just hormonal and i’m overthinking everything again

9. mia did take my care and control but i felt so embarrassed because she’s helping me but i couldn’t do her the same courtesy by finishing the workup and the overall care i was supposed to give to her cubicle 16 patient.

10. then i had to handover my patients to veronica’s mom and i feel like none of the filos like me. i can just feel it. she seems cold and filo-like. i don’t like their vibe.

i’m just upset and hormonal and i don’t know if i should talk to jess or jane about this because i feel awful and i feel like a bad nurse.

04/04/2020 2334

I'm on my tablet but since this is a momentos occasion, I thought I neede to make an update. Let's keep this short.

1. Covid still sucks. I'm over it

2. Worked for the first time in paeds with alana

3. I don't know how I feel

4. I still am too uncomfy with kids

5. I hate it

6. I dont think imlearned anthying tjough

7. Thats whats sad because i really wanted to learm but i dont know if i was just in a bad time with alana

8. Iy wouldve been helpgul ig i werebwith jess or jae bevause they ouldbe brennmore supportive

9. Not that alana wasnt supportive, it's more that maybe she didn't know what to do and I also didn't know what to do???

10. I specialled someone around the end which is good because I got out of paeds

11. I think I'm doing well though, considering I didn't get much out of it

12. Like my workups weren't as bad but my paediatric assessment is complete shit though. I need to be better at it.

13. Dylan was there he still cute

07/04/2020 15:48

aaaaaaaaaaa

1. woke up at 0530

2. went to work at 0640

3. i arrive at handover and they tell me that i’m not on

4. i look stupid and the filos are laughing at me like “wow this bitch is actually retarded”

5. i talk to the dnc and someone had apparently changed my shift

6. dnc asks “did you swap shifts with anyone?” and i’m like “no”

7. dude i was not gonna go home i’m up wtf

8. dnc said that i could stay if they wanted me to stay

9. i stayed

10. they put me in paeds with laura

11. no one was there

12. so we moved into the main departmentt

13. apparently, there was sophie was the only one in a1 so i went there to help

14. they let me stay

15. i found deb and chatted with her about this and she said she’d look into it but i don’t know if she did because corona is basically running ed at this point

16. i’m gonna have to keep track of my next payslip to make sure that they paid me for this day

17. anyways

18. my patient had 2 seizures

19. i think she drooled on my upper arm when i was holding her down for the doctor to put a cannula in

20. other than that... shift was fine

21. i’m glad that i got to be in area without my preceptor because i like knowing that i can survive in there without my safety net even though i love my safety net to be close by

25/04/2020 0820

haven’t been back in a while so i thought i’d update. oh and happy birthday to my brother!

1. 3rd night in a row

2. i’m tired but not sleepy

3. i was in eecu

4. alone

5. it wasn’t too bad though

6. all my patients were very good

7. 7 patients of my own but obviously i had help

8. yas, stephen and cath are fab

9. someone was really needy though. toilet breaks are exhausting

10. i need my objectives done soon

11. happy birthday bro

01/05/2020 0003

i had a late yesterday. i know i decided that if i passed the next day without writing anything, i wouldn’t “recount” but because i haven’t actually slept through this then i guess i’ll write about yesterday

1. i had a bad day

2. i feel like i’ve failed everyone

3. and my acne is getting bad and my hair was a mess.

4. i started my shift with my patient having a bgl of 52. he was eventually moved into resus to get an art line in but i was going to do his obs and a bgl but all the doctors were there and they were wanting to do so many things at the same time and i got so overwhelmed and i didn’t know what to do first. his obs? the fluids that were literally just written up? his meds? his insulin infusion? the art line that they wanted set up? emptying his nasogastric tube? his IDC? moving him into area a or to resus? he got moved to resus as i said. i thought all was fine but in the back of my head i can hear myself saying “you didn’t do this. you didn’t do that. you’re an incompetent piece of shit” over and over again. one of the resus nurses came over and asked me if there was a reason why i didn’t do a sugar on him. she looked like she was in a rush so i just said “no”. then she walked off and said “she’ll do it”. i must’ve been disgusting to her after that. i didn’t want to give her an excuse or explain myself because at the end of the day, i didn’t do it and it’s my fault and i get it. but holy fuck my brain didn’t stop telling me that i was doing a shitty job.

5. one of my patients dropped her blood pressure to 60/40. i was so fucking scared man. you don’t even know. thankfully dr su was there to manage her quickly. yas was also such a gem. we managed to get her back up but i thought she was going to die.

6. everyone else was otherwise fine but that just set the tone for my whole shift and i just wanted to crawl into a hole and cry.

7. i’m glad i’m off tomorrow.

8. i’m just a mess right now so i’m going to stay as one for a while.

... and we’ll pick ourselves up from this and do it all again when we get back to work.

22/05/2020 21:49

I should really stop making a habit of writing on here when I’ve had a bad shift

1. First time I was intentionally put in Area A.

2. I was with Maria.

3. I’m sad.

4. I’m really sad.

5. I’m also on my period so maybe it’s just hormones.

6. Anyways... I just feel like a mess. It’s like I just shut down and I didn’t know what I was doing the entire time. I just had this sudden insecurity that everyone’s looking at me weird because I looked like I was lost.

7. And I guess I was.

8. I think it’s just that I didn’t have my preceptors around and I sort of look to them for comfort. It’s like knowing that they’re there, I feel better. I think I miss being new because I was rightfully lost. Now, there’s no excuse for me not to know what I’m doing.

9. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have anyone yell at me or judge me for doing anything wrong. I had a relatively okay shift but it’s this underlying feeling of inferiority and feeling like I didn’t belong here.

10. It was just incredibly hectic and I feel overwhelmed.

11. That’s the word. I feel “overwhelmed”.

12. I look to the other grads and I see them like they’re ahead of me and I know that there’s no competition here but dear god are they fucking good.

13. And I feel stupid

14. I am stupid.

15. I had 3 patients that I worked up and when it came to handover I forgot everything and Maria had to do all the talking. I was just a mess.

16. I handed over a patient to AMU (to another grad) and this patient had a “pressure sore”. I was fucking freaking out because why dear lord does this person have a pressure sore when he’s independent. The grad was like “I’ll put the SLS in later”. I was mentally freaking out at this point because why didn’t I know this?! Why don’t I know this?! I’m his fucking nurse for crying out loud. It turns out, he fell on a candle and it wasn’t a pressure sore but holy shit I’m sure that the grad and the nurses in AMU were judging me for not being a good nurse.

17. And they’re right. I’m not a good nurse.

18. I’m a bad one.

19. I received my last roster and I swear I could’ve burst into tears at some point because I probably won’t get hired in ED.

20. It’s such a shame that I have a night on my last shift.

21.It feels uneventful.

22. I know that it’s what I would’ve wanted, an uneventful departure, but I don’t know... I would’ve personally enjoyed the fact that I’d be walking out of ED in the daytime with my head held high and not a tired mess, hobbling to the car and eager to sleep when I get home.

It’s only now hitting me that this is the last month that I’ll be here. I’ll be sure to document significant points. Not to soon, I’ll be back on here probably complaining about how fucking retarded I am for leaving my objectives to the last minute and not having the initiative to work with Jane on the shifts leading up to my PRND. I am actually pretty worried about this. And my upcoming GAMSAT next week is not helping.

25/05/2020 2305

exhausted and sad

1. i was in paeds today

2. i’m sort of glad that i was because the main department was just gross with how many people came in

3. 78 patients is what we all ended with

4. i worked with alli. she’s a gem

5. i was intimidated but holy hell did we plough through

6. i felt like i just did an absolutely terrible job today to be perfectly honest.

7. while alli was on break, we literally had 1 pending transfer to the kids ward, 1 waiting for ambulance, 2 ambulances that needed to handover, 3 kids in the waiting room, 1 kid that needed her urine dipsticked and drug screened, 1 kid that needed crutches, 1 room that needed a barouche that we were waiting on and 1 kid who needed fluids up because he was fasting.

8. bethany, the student, was fucking brilliant. i must remember to tell phuong

9. i’m just done after 4 shifts in a row.

10. i’m over it

11. today was also the last day i saw jess

12. i have 5 days off and she goes on annual leave in 4 days

13. i’m actually getting emotional right now hahaha

14. she saw me off as she was leaving. i’m crying. holy fuck.

15. she’s just been a safe haven when i work with her and i couldn’t thank her enough for being such an amazing preceptor and teaching me all i could about working in emergency. she’s one of the good ones. the fact that she takes time out of our shift to sit down with me and talk me through things i don’t know. allowing me to be independent. making me feel like i belong. catching up with me when i needed it. i didn’t really utilise that as much as i should have but the security that i had her as my preceptor was enough. i will actually miss working with her during this last month. i got her something from lush and she gave me a hug and said that i did really well and that she’d be a referee and that she’d be glad to see me come back to ED. that was the most reassuring compliment ever. i’m so sad right now. i was so lucky with getting jess because holy shit did she take care of me. i did well in making sure that i brought her that gift because it turns out i won’t be seeing her for a while. ugh. my heart hurts. i wish her the absolute best and i don’t really wish that on anyone. thank you jess. truly.

in summary, i am an emotional mess because i’m finishing soon and i’m starting to miss everything about ED but also wtf why is it so fucking busy?

06/06/2020 2004

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

1. everytime katrina is on, she makes me do relieving at another ward

2. excuse me

3. i could’ve declined because she gave me the option to but she asked me AT handover in front of everyone so what the heck was i going to do? say no?????

4. anyway

5. i went to 2a

6. i had a patient load for the first time

7. i was going to work with karen, another grad

8. good thing i let her know because i certainly wasn’t comfortable working with a grad and she wasn’t as well

9. i worked with darren today which is fine because he was a gem. i was lost without his help today and i’m just so glad that i was with him

10. i haven’t worked in a ward in 2 years so i was so lost because i had to do meds and washes. i didn’t even get to finish those until 11.

11. it was so clear that i was lagging behind. i was so fucking nervous that i was being looked at weird because i was slow

12. i had no clue what i was doing

13. the patient asked me what meds are for what and i didn’t know

14. its fine. i survived and it gave me a brief taste of what it would be in the ward when i do go to 2b

15. it’ll be fine

16. fine.

17. f.i.n.e.

18. fine

19. i did miss ED a lot today

i think study day is when i’ll be coming back on here. it’ll be the last one for this rotation. help me i’m scared.

10/06/2020 0011

i’m a few hours late but i haven’t slept on this shift yet so i’ll recap

1. worked in A2 with erika!!!

2. i haven’t worked with her for a while so i’m glad i have

3. the song “what a journey it has been” keeps playing in my head

4. cate, the student, gave me some jelly beans :) she’s an actual gem

5. i remember working with her on her first day at paeds with jess and now it’s the last time i see her

6. i was actually so touched when she caught up with me and gave me those because it harks back to our first conversation of me going to costco and getting jelly beans

7. i really hope she does well in life because she’s a precious gem

8. i hope she gets a grad in paeds or she becomes a paramedic

9. anywayssss

10. a2 was crazy busy 

11. almost everyone of our patients were sickies

12. we had falls, copd exacerbation, chest painssss, palpitations, fractures, ulcers, people with dementia, someone who was 210 kgs, dementia patient who was having an intracranial haemorrhage

13. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

14. having to do hourly obs on everyone was impossible

15. this shift was crazy

16. i’m glad i have study day tomorrow

17. deb wasn’t around to sign my stuff

18. oops

19. thinking if i should get jane and erika something to say goodbye and thanks???

i woke up at 10am yesterday so i’m not tired. but fuck i have to wake up at 6. oof

15/06/2020 2027

i have no time to write this but i have 5 shifts left so lets speed run this

1. i’m really sad right now

2. i worked with audrey in eecu

3. she’s so fucking smart it’s amazing

4. she’s the epitome of a good nurse

5. i’m glad to be in eecu. i want to chill for the last few shifts

6. there was this adorable lady who presented with odd speech. she was talking fine and then by 0100, she woke up and holy shit i thought she was having a stroke. and she was bound to go home because all her tests were normal. she still had that speech problem at the end but she was going to go home and have an opd mri. she’s so lovely that my heart was bursting. i hope she stays safe. she’s one of my favourite patients.

8. angela called me to say that jane like pandora and holy fuck that’s expensive and i can’t get her jewellery bc that seems inappropriate. i’ll just get her and erika lush.

it was an okay and chill shift. i hope nothing crazy happens this week. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i’m going to be late

17/06/2020 0022

i haven’t slept on the shift so i’m allowed this

1. 3 shifts to go

2. worked in area b

3. the shift started off terribly

4. i had gravitated to 21-25 because there’s hardly any mental health that goes there but amy had allocated everyone to their beds without consulting us

5. bec had already agreed to take 13-16 and i was taking 21-25 but she had rearranged everyone so that amy had 13-16, i had 18-20, and bec had 21-25

6. it was a mess

7. i fucking hate the section i was at

8. only because 18 is usually where aggressive mental health patients go to and i can’t deal with them bc cbf

9. the nurse i had relieved looked like she was about to give up in life

10. my lady in 18 was a relapse of her schizo-affective disorder bc of non-compliance of meds. fuck me.

11. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

12. i can’t

13. she started off as sedated which i was happy with but she was up from 1 in the morning and was escalating for the whole shift.

14. she was crying. no one actually de-escalate her. we coded her. she was fashioning a noose with the monitoring. the guards weren’t fucking doing anything. 

15. and i have no empathy.

16. they were telling me to reassure and talk to her and calm her down but i don’t know how to fucking do that shit.

17. i just want people to shut the fuck up and go to sleep until you’re seen.

18. just

19. *sigh*

20.  she was given 3 sedatives that didn’t touch at all.

21. and i couldn’t medicate her further because we couldn’t risk her being drowsy during her assessment during the daytime

22. i love my job

23. i’m just so glad for cora.

24. she was floating in b and she helped me out so much.

25. she took 2 of my handovers. she basically took care of my bowel perf patient

26. she’s an absolute legend.

27. met a tmc person who had appendicitis?

i was just mentally exhausted for the whole shift. i feel like they’re going to sls me for being neglectful. i was really trying hard to not show it but maybe i was being too obvious. i’m about to get my period so i’m hormonal. please understand why i feel off.

19/06/2020 2347

i fucked up

1. i have 3 more shifts to go. 2 days off then 1 late and then 2 nights

2. worked in d with erica

3. was an okay shift

4. my one patient who had “seizures” was a weird one

5. i fucked up with this one

6. i knew in the back of my head that i should’ve done an ecg because it’s a “seizure” and then i would’ve put him into a gown if i had done that.

7. they didn’t ask for one but ruz transferred him to eecu while i was at ct with another patient so i didn’t get to start those fluids or change him into a gown.

8. the worst thing i’ve done is not check for a property list and this dude had so much endone and oxycontin with him. THOSE ARE FUCKING DDA’S AND I DIDN’T LOCK THEM UP. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

9. i literally was open-mouthed as jalaja showed it to me because i knew that i had just done an oopsie

10. she was so upset

11. i’m actually fucking scared

12. she’s going to sls me for sure

13. she liked me so much before and now she doesn’t

14. she literally said “this. i cannot accept”

15. i felt like shit

16. i still feel like shit

17. i can’t right now.

18. oh and one the people from church was a patient and i recognise them and i said hello

what a great shift. i fucking hate myself. note to self: DO THE RIGHT FUCKING THING EVEN THOUGH IT’S UNNECESSARY.

24/06/2020 0754

ouch my heart

1. one more to go

2. it’s my last shift tonight

3. let’s maybe talk about that tomorrow when it’s finally over. mmkay

4. worked in b

5. had a really good shift

6. turnover was moderate

7. no one really stood out patient-wise

8. but i guess that’s what i want???

9. i just to cruise through the end because it’ll be a good send-off

10. joko was tl. judy and tash were with me. lovely crew tonight

11. we did start off with a relieving nurse. she was from the ward and it was her first time in area b with a patient load

12. she looked so scared

13. i probably looked like her when i started

14. it’s amazing to see the contrast of someone who’s worked through her rotation and feeling quite confident and comparing that to someone who’s new and doesn’t know what to do

15. i was that person

16. she apologised to me when after she moved to eecu because it was too overwhelming for her and i said “no don’t apologise. ed is intimidating and it was unfair of them to put you in a paz area where it gets crazy busy. it’s better to keep yourself safe so we keep other safe” i hope she’s okay and i hope this shift didn’t scare her

17. OH! jane caught up with me at the tail-end of her late and the beginning of my night. she caught up with me, pulled me aside and pulled me into a big hug and thanking me for the gift i gave her from lush

18. i was so touched by that hahahaha i didn’t think i would be. bella fruta probably smelled really nice then hahahahaha

19. LUSH IS THE WAY TO GO MY BOIIISSS

20. amy hopefully pre-allocates me to eecu??? i want a chill shift goddammit

that’s it for now.

i’ll see you tomorrow?

25/06/2020 2000

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i am no longer an ed nurse my heart hurts

1. i was placed in TRIAGEEEEE 

2. this was weird because this was my last shift and it was my first time in triage so i was learning something completely new. on my last day

3. i was with wati and margaret. they’re so cute and so good

4. it was a mess at the beginning. mostly because i didn’t know what i was doing and it was a bit busy

5. i did manage to catch up and i cruised through the shift in one piece

6. it was a relatively okay shift. it was the busiest for the first 4 hours and then after that, we had like... 6 people max in the waiting room

7. quite a huge turnover

8. since i was t2 and i wasn’t triage-trained, i only had to do obs on everyone who came in

9. the stares that people would give me every time i walked past. oof

10. i don’t think anyone particularly stood out for me to tell a full story but the presentations were a variety of reasons, chest pain, abdo pain, psychosocial issues, lumps, cysts and bleeds, infections. there was one guy who was homeless.

11. triage is hard work. i don’t think i’d want to be a triage nurse but i appreciate what they do

12. working as t2 did really well form my anal-retentiveness. i got to organise everyone by time order. arrange everyone’s paperwork, i’d go out to do obs for 3 patients at a time. it was great for need of organisation

13. yup. good last shift i’d say

14. even though i got a bit side-tracked with amy promising i’d be pre-allocated to eecu and then be placed in triage, i think it was a blessing in disguise. i’ve now worked everywhere in ED (except for resus but that’s because grads are banned from working there) and if ever i come back, i’d be able to say that i’ve had experience

15. dylan was there. and mikee. cutiessss

i don’t feel as sad as i thought i would be tbh. don’t get me wrong. it’s bittersweet but in my deepest of my core being, i don’t think this’ll be my last shift in ed. i’m determined to come back. i took photos of my last duress alarm, my locker and key, the times i arrived for my last shift, the last hour of my shift and the outside of ED just so i have something to hold onto. this is the problem of someone who’s sentimental. hahaha. in all seriousness though, i am so eternally grateful that I got to be a grad here because it was hard at times and challenging but i learned so much. i became so much of a better nurse. better than what i expected i would be considering how long it was since i was working in the hospital-setting. ever since my placement there, i knew i wanted to be an ED nurse and I got to do exactly that and i’m so happy. I’m sad to go but if they want me to finish my grad so I can come back, I will power through 2B just so I can return. i will do it.

i’ll see you soon ED. i miss you already.

13/07/2020 22:16

day one in 2B

1. what the fuck have i gotten myself into?

2. my first day was a supernumerary shift

3. didn’t get an orientation

4. not that i needed it considering that i’ve worked there before but no one needs to know that

5. i worked with deb which was okay i guess

6. she’s my preceptor

7. i miss jess already

8. deb is very... clear with what she wants

9. i think i’ll be okay with her being my preceptor because she likes to explain things and i feel like that’s her personality

10. she got so much done even with me tagging along with her

11. i’m actually scared that i’ll fuck up on wednesday because i’ll be on my own

12. vanessa was there. she doesn’t remember me

13. bai was there. she doesn’t remember me i don’t think but i remember her. oh i remember her very well

14. andrew was there, i remember him even though i never worked with him. i always thought he was a fun guy to work with but he does seem mildly annoying. he is an EN though so i get that he can’t really do much with meds but jesus was he nagging

15. i don’t know how to feel about the ward. it’s so different from ED and the whole time i was there, i just missed ED so much

16. i saw shaun and i heard a code stemi in ED and i just wanted to be back down there

17. at least dr cutie was there and we know each other and i’m so happy i know someone

18. i honestly don’t know how this rotation is going to pan out because i’m so... overwhelmed.

19. they tell me to ask for help when i need it but judging from today and how hectic it was, i don’t think i’ll have much luck in doing so

20. i’m just really scared

i’m really scared

28/07/2020 2218

aaaaa i’ve been gone for how long???

1. worked in 3-6

2. i had an okay shift

3. my one lady kept going to the toilet which was such a nuisance

4. i know i sound horrible but holy shit how are you going to the toilet that many times

5. she’s also very dependent so i have to go in with her each time and walk her back

6. i just felt really bad because she was also so apologetic about talking up so much of my time

7. i shouldn’t be complaining

8. she was really lovely anyway

9. all my other patients were really good

10. i feel like i’m getting into the swing of things around in 2b and i hope i get better at them

11. besides the doctors, no one’s been to much of a bitch

12. i still miss ed though

13. chantelle handed someone over and she remembered who i was which was so nice because i don’t think i ever worked with her

i miss ed :(

29/07/2020 21:07

STUDY DAY 4 DONEEEE

1. i think if forgot to write the day 3 one.

2. we just did coronial cases during that one

3. today was a little better than the previous ones

4. we went to theatre

5. we went to the morgue

6. i saw a dead person

7. we made posters

8. aps was there and stoma nurse was there which was really good because surg requires me to know these things

9. vaughn’s actually pretty cute. he’s 30 btw. okay. and he’s smart and i just stalked his linked in and he did honours on a course and he quit paramedics which means the fact that he got into paramedics means that he’s smart

10. everyone seems to be settling into their wards which is good for them

11. i think i’m just not embracing the new ward

12. i should probably be more open-minded. i can always apply for ed or i can go into casual

it

will

be

fine

i’m just really eager for the last study day and then i can read all of these entries and see how much i’ve progressed... if at all?

08/08/2020 21:59

i’m back

1. just doing this because tonight was quite interesting

2. 2b was fine

3. 2b isn’t my issue

4. i worked with an agency nurse and she was relatively okay. i don’t remember her name though

5. the topic of discussion today was because i went relieving to another ward

6. the TL talked to me at 1730 to tell me that they wanted an RN to relieve for meal breaks at WOMEN’S HEALTH. I obviously had to go because my patients were fine and everybody else was busy.

7. i rock up to women’s health and told 3 nurses that i was there to relieve for meal breaks

8. the actual moment i got to women’s health, they decided to code a patient for low blood pressure

9. i go about my business thinking that i was supposed to be in women’s health

10. i help out, give out some panadols and do some obs

11. the code ends then the TL comes up to me 15 minutes before i have to go back to ask me why i was there

12. i tell her that i was told to come down to women’s health to do meal breaks

13. she calls the dnc and asks why i was there but it turns out! i was meant to go the THE KIDS WARDDDDD

14. i called my TL and tell her about this and she tells me to come back.

15. had to go back to the ward because i obviously can’t neglect my own patients

16. i go back and it’s 1830

17. i do the rest of my 1800 round and i go for my own meal break... to the library

18. i get back and the DNC calls and jigar (a legend) says “it’s the dnc. don’t argue”

19. i pick up the phone and this lady goes “hi kaye. you were supposed to go to the kids ward to relieve meal breaks. they haven’t had their meal breaks. what happened?”

20. i tell her that i was told by my TL to go to women’s health

21. she then tells me that “why did the (women’s health TL) call me and ask why you were in women’s health?” i don’t remember her words verbatim but it went along the lines of why didn’t you tell anyone

22. i then said “there was a code going on”

23. then she said something that i don’t remember. this was because i interjected and said “do you want me to go to the kids ward?”

24. she said “yes please”

25. and the call ended

26. i just didn’t see the point in arguing with this woman. i could’ve asked who sent me to women’s health and she wouldn’t have had it.

27. i think that the sole purpose of that call was to tell me why i was wrong and to send me relieving to the kids ward

28. anyway

29. i went to relieve the kids ward. one of them had meal breaks by the time i left and i did a lot of stuff for them

30. and i got back to my ward at 2030 and none of my meds were done

31. and i did my notes at 20:50

the sole purpose of writing this post is to document everything. i personally don’t feel affected by this situation. i don’t really care that she was like that because i feel that she was trying to get a reaction out of me and i couldn’t be bothered giving people that satisfaction of obvious bother. the point of this is that just because i don’t care doesn’t make it okay. if this was me last year, i would be harming myself and bawling my eyes out because i’m a failure and everyone hates me. but i’m not that anymore. and i don’t want to participate in this. she was being really awful and malicious and i don’t appreciate this. this wasn’t my fault and i’m going to tell myself that because it’s the right thing to do. i don’t want past me to hurt because of this.

should i tell paula??? this isn’t really a tppp issue though??? idk. i’ll think about it.

18/08/2020 2222

i’m so tired

1. bad shift

2. bad shift

3. bad shift

4. buddy nurse left me at 1800 and kids ward nurse relieved a while later

5. everyone was bad

6. 24 - broke his arm. went to xray and ct. pt in pain all shift. pt slides down bed. pt refused meal.

7. 25 - pt language barrier. viet. family VERY involved. refused meds because loose bowels. obs were abysmal. mo notified. pt r/v. pt put on oxygen sats were 87. family constantly needed to be reassured all shift. he got moved to 13 at some point during the shift and family were not happy. yelling at tl about why he got moved and that family wouldn’t be able to stay in a shared room because it’s not a private space. they d/c him tonight against medical advice. the nurse i handed over to didn’t do the notes for him so i have no idea if he left with his cannula because why would anyone be bothered by that??? i didn’t have him when he d/c so i don’t understand why i had to write his d/c notes.

8. 26 - pt has stoma. pt has picc. pt has feed running. all shift until 1800, unsure of whether feeds were to be started as pt had to fast for ct. pt hypo-ed this am so risky to keep her off feeds. fluids ran. feed continued. pt x1 assist so needed help getting to commode chair. meds meds meds

9. 27 - pt independent. nothing much but triple abx. had to space out each one because she only had one ivc. pt constantly needed to be disconnected as she wanted to walk around room.

10. 28 - i forgot to give meds early this pm. attempted to give but pt was off the ward so it ended up being given 3 hours later. pt was supposed to be going home but because bno, had to stay and to give microlax. good effect. please go home tomorrow.

11. 29 / TR - pt was a fucking asshole retarded piece of shit. hx of schizophrenia. yelled at me at dinnertime. he broke his leg because he’s an actual stupid shit. offered to help set him up for dinner cursed at me because he can’t eat that way. fair enough. we need to keep that leg elevated though. offered to sit him up from bed and put a chair at the end so keeps his leg elevated, yelled at me. told me to fuck off and to find someone else and he called me an airhead on the way out. i turned his lights off, shut his door and left him yelling for someone to come see him and left him not eating his dinner because i refuse to be spoken to that way. mental health issues or not. i don’t appreciate it. he refused all his meds so fuck him.

12. 2 - pt fasted for 2 days. now going to 3. lap chole didn’t happen today. pt was really pissy. he was unfasted by one of the doctors so i gave him something to eat. fluids were charted for him but i didn’t end up getting those up for him because i was just so busy. amy wasn’t happy. said she wanted to smack me. jokingly though but i know she was not happy and she probably half meant that. i get it. he had the addit meds in his drawer so i guess it’s fine because she can put that up. he was eating and drinking so there was no need for him to have those fluids running during those times but i get it. there was no excuse why i couldn’t have put those meds up.

13. they also brought a new pt up at 2030 so there’s that.

14. did i say that 5 of them were infectious?

15. did i say that i had to supervise a new student??

16. did i also say that i had to do 7 notes???

i’m just not happy right now and i’m disappointed and i’m frustrated and i’m upset because it was a mess today and i don’t like it.

i just need to breathe.

next shift, i know what to do if i’m put back in the rooms.

04/09/2020 1640

not too bad

1. i feel like i always come here to rant about how awful my shift in 2b was

2. today was okay

3. i was in the rooms with sue

4. did i say that sue is a queen and is a bloody legend

5. the heaviest person we had was bed 1 who moved to bed 25 and he was palliated shortly after adl’s

6. otherwise, everyone was really good

7. bed 2 was confused yesterday but was more orientated today and the special was lifted and the carer was there to help with adl’s for everyone

8. 28 had a heparin infusion which i missed 2 chicks on but it really wasn’t the end of the world. reminder that i must relearn the heparin infusion stuff

9. 27 i didn’t go into besides pain relief. i heard the stoma nurse cracking the shits about how the wound was being looked after. at least my hands are clean because i didn’t touch anything regarding that

10. 26 was the lady in bed who was stand lifter because she had a fracture. she was also fine and is at modbury now hopefully getting rehbailitated

11. 25 was initially a hot young dude but became the palliated patient

12. 24 was this dude who’s fasting for theatre and besides the hour that he went without fluids, he was fine

13. i was finda, the student, she’s really good and funny and although needs supervision, she is otherwise, a really good student and i would work with her again

14. ash the doctor is super cute

that’s it. it was eerily okay and now i’m worried for tomorrow.

16/09/2020 1907

i’m honestly forgetting to do these at this point. tsk tsk.

1. i’ve come off my first two nights

2. first impressions... it’s so busy

3. it’s shockingly busy.

4. 8 patients is a lot to juggle

5. i’ve found myself in these 2 nights with something to do constantly for every minute of those 10 hours

6. doing a full round takes an hour to two hours max so by the time you finish, there’s other stuff to do

7. i was doing paperwork in between moments of silence and because you have 8 patients, there SO much paperwork

8. i thought i was quick with doing my notes but holy hell it took me a good 45 minutes to actually write 8 notes

9. this shift tonight was constant because there were hourly things to do and everybody’s blood pressure just kept playing up and everyone’s fluids just so happened to finish throughout the night and doctors took a while to get to the ward to have things reviewed

10. i almost missed a medication

11. thankfully penny is a gem

12. the night just went by so quick

13. i don’t think i can explain how i look at my watch once and when i look at it again, it’s 2 hours later and i feel like i have achieved and done nothing

thankfully i don’t have anymore nights during this roster and i only have 2 for the next one. vanessa is nice for doing that (and she gave me all my thursday requests). :)

19/09/2020 2322

hi

1. ash is so fucking cute that my heart hurts

that’s legit my only update bahahahahahahahahahahaha

13/10/2020 2149

oh god

1. sorry i haven’t been in for a while

2. that last update was just trasssssh

3. he is still so cute though

4. holy shit

5. but he’s so successful that it’s intimidating

6. oof

7. this is about nursing. let’s focus

8. i was in 11-14

9. i worked with amanda and she’s the best

10. the shift was not too bad. the 1800 round was quite hectic but i got through at the end

11. all my patients were non-exciting

12. just the usual 2B stuff

13. i hate to admit this on here but please don’t tell anyone

14. i wouldn’t mind coming back to work there

15. ED is still where i want to end up if this whole medicine thing doesn’t turn up but tbh 2B... not too horrible

16. there are 3 new regular staff members (sharon, jigar and karla) and i love them all

17. it’s starting to be a better place... i think

18. if i just stay positive and keep calm (and make ash an inspiration to come to work *because at this point, he is*) then i can get through this rotation

19. and the students are actually the best bunch this time round

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa conflict

14/10/2020 2212

i’m back so soon. it’s just been chaos today to be honest and i’m just fucking sad

1. i had an early today

2. which is fine

3. but! when i arrived at the ward, penny pulled me aside and asked about bed 12 and the fact that he didn’t have fluids running all afternoon

4. i got really nervous because i had this conversation with deb and casey yesterday about more fluids being put up

5. i know i don’t recap on here but for this explanation, i think i have to

6. sometime in the middle of my shift yesterday, bed 12′s bag of fluids finished and i noticed that he didn’t have another order written up. i know that he’s fasting. so i went to casey by the nurse’s station where deb was and asked her to write up more ivt because he’s fasting and that was the last bag written up. she asked what he was fasting for and i said i think it was because of periop review. which at that point was already done so i gave her the notes for her to interpret the plan by the periop team. i then asked if he was still fasting and she asked if he was fasting for the ngt to which i said he already has the ng??? and she looked really confused and deb started getting involved and she chimed in that he should be on replacement and i didn’t know about any replacement order and she showed me the fluid chart and there was an order for the replacement (BUT NOT FOR MAINTENANCE) and that it should’ve been started the day before when he was losing so much in his ng. i think by this point, they both look at me like i’m dumb (which i am) and i inquired about the fact that he was still fasting and if he was for ot and what the actual plan was. she said that he needs to be on the replacement and that he can have ice chips and that they will need to put him on a surgical list or something. because she didn’t write any new fluids up, i (stupidly) assumed that he only needed to be on replacement because both of them went on and on about the replacement. i still wasn’t convinced so i flagged the fluid chart because i needed to follow that up. come 2000 and i had finished my round and i needed to get on top of these fluids so i asked another doctor from colorectal to chart some ivt because i asked cora about it and she said that he should be having maintenance fluid. i have a new order but by this point, antibiotics were running and i decided to put up the fluids after the ivabs and also because he only had one cannula. i handed over to the night staff about the new order for fluid to be put up and about the replacement fluid. i thought it was okay.

7. coming back to this morning and penny pulling me aside and grilling me about the fact that no ivt was running for him for the WHOLE afternoon. she went through the chart with me and pointed out that the bag of fluid that i had taken down that afternoon was the same bag of fluid that she had put up the night before. i literally had no explanation as to why that bag ran for more that 10 hours. i tried saying that his cannula could’ve been positional and it wasn’t running smoothly for the 10 hours but by god, penny wasn’t buying it. she gave me a tap on the arm and said to be more mindful next time. flashback to the previous shift where i WAS being mindful because i DID follow it up and no one did anything.

8. the round started and obviously the doctors noticed and were really upset and all i could honestly do was take it. i was just so embarrassed that i compromised my patient.

9. casey and bed were also really upset with me about the fact that he didn’t have fluids running WHEN I LITERALLY TALKED TO THEM YESTERDAY ABOUT IT and i hate that it painted me in such a negligent light when i wasn’t. i really tried yesterday.

10. and this isn’t me putting the blame on anyone. i know i’m mostly at fault and that’s why i’m beating myself up over this. i know i should’ve pushed for more fluids to be charted. i should never have let casey leave without a new bag written up. i should’nt have left that nurses station without actually clarifying with them what the plan was about his diet status and his ng and what replacement actually entails.

11. it’s just incredibly humiliating because i know that i’m better than this. i know these things.

12. that start just completely ruined my whole day and i was just miserable throughout. i had frequent breaks to the toilet to calm down and not cry.

13. it was just a mess.

14. and paula emailed me about not sending in my prd and she cc’ed vanessa and shirley and now i’m fucking worried to come back on shift and them asking me about it when all i did was forget to send my prd. I WAS NOT SLACKING OFF. I SWEAR. I DID MY PRD AT EXACTLY 8 WEEKS BECAUSE I’M *THAT* PERSON. I just forgot to send it so please everyone stop being mad at me.

15. i’m on fucking isotretonoin.

16. i’m extra depressed.

i think i feel much better. i’ll be okay. i just needed to let that out and be allowed to be sad for a few hours without the massive load of life on my hands.

i’ll never show my face to colorectal ever again. (and ash is in colorectal so this is even worse) oh god

04/11/2020 1230

STUDY DAY 5 COMPLETE!

1. it’s 12 in the morning

2. i should be asleep

3. i just came on here for consistency

4. we had lunch on the pickled duck

5. some of the grads already have jobs after this

6. i felt so much of a failure today

7. everyone wants permanent jobs but i want casual but the way they word “casual” is like the default because nobody else wanted you and i hate that it’s how my brain is framing it

8. but i will go casual and maybe be pre-booked to 2b???

9. or i could get a really low fte at 2b if they wanted me back???

10. i don’t know

11. i just hope i get everything done on time

12. the cv tips were absolute mint

13. i’m gonna miss everyone

14. i hope we all make it

all around me are familiar faces...

09/11/2020 2217

this is messy

1. this was so messy

2. so so messy

3. 24. patient had a pressure sore??? dressing was done during double staff time and not during the morning so i had to go to wound bank to get the dressing and the am nurse put the dressing on and didn’t tell me how the pressure sore looked like. to be honest, i should’ve asked and looked myself but that’s besides the point. jackie asked me what it looked like and i couldn’t give her an answer. patient was to ffm for ot tomorrow but no ivt was written up so i had to put that up on the taskboard at 2000 which is super late to be following up for ivt when i should’ve known that he was to ffm and for ot tomorrow. why didn’t i ask alice to chart ivt when she was there all afternoon??? why? because i’m dumb. meds were faxed this morning but didn’t arrive. i called pharmacy multiple times today about how we ran out of ward stock for trace elements. i called them way before 1800 and tbhey still sent the pink slip that says it’s ward stock. ffs. i travelled to 2e and 2a to find trace but couldn’t find any and then cindy and i had to liaise with the doctor to grab it from after hours downstairs. i had to go for my break and when i got back at 1900, it still wasn’t give so i had to give that really late only to find out that thiamine had to be put up. so i had to stop the medication that takes 4 hours to give so that i could thiamine. cvc was taken out during double staff time. ivc was put up during double staff time. on his plan that i read while doing notes said something about doing an insulin infusion preoperatively if his bgls where 12 and above. no one handed this over to me so i had a reading of 13 for pre-dinner and saw that he had above 12 for the whole day. we could’ve started that infusion earlier when there were more people.

4. 25. he pissed on the floor as i was about to finish. he had a lot of issues today. we started off with a heparin infusion that was stopped because the night/morning staff had an issue that he had accidentally been given 7mls of his heparin. the bloods were taken at 11 because all day, his infusion was for review. the heparin was recommenced but not before doctors were chased up all shift because they wrote on the wrong part of the chart, then they didn’t order the right dose for heparin, then they didn’t chart the rate or units, then they charted the wrong rate and units, then it was recommenced finally. i had to check that hourly. which i did. right when the heparin had finished and it said it was finished, i took off the line from his cannula to do an antibiotic that i missed (we’ll get to his meds in a bit) because his second cannula had tissued right when i was about to do that missed antibiotic. so i had no choice but to do it on his other cannula that had the heparin on it. i took it off because it was finished and penny and jackie were replacing heparin anyway. i took it off thinking that the line would be changed. when jackie and penny came around they said, oh we cna’t check that because the rate says 1ml/hr. I HAD BEEN CHECKING THAT EVERY HOUR AND IT SAID 3.2ML/HR. I DON’T KNOW HOW THAT BECAME 1ML/HR. penny then did a really passive/aggressive throw at me by saying, that’s why check every hour. then she looked at the line and saw that it was disconnected. she then told me off and said that we never disconnect heparin and that the screw-ups were probably because other people were doing what i was doing. the syringe was finished. irrespective of whether or not i disconnected him from the heparin, he wouldn’t be getting a dose anyway because it was finished. penny hates me after that incident with the fasting patient last month. she still holds on to that i think. then the medsssss. the morning staff completely missed a chart and therefore didn’t give some of his 0800 meds. i am stupid because i also didn’t catch this. i probably did catch it but all of the missed meds were faxed to pharmacy so i was probably thinking that they would come up soon. turns out that a daisy drug was missed in the morning. i told the doctor this and she was not happy. she had to reset all the times so that it would go back to normal. it was bad. it was really. bad. i had to give the 0800 daisy drug at 1700. that’s stupid because he had the same drug at 2000 that needed then to be pushed to 0300 and the morning dose pushed to 1000 only for it to go back to 2000 tomorrow. it’s a mess. there was also a weekly medication that wasn’t given. it was faxed but it never came up. it was just awful. he was also 1.5L FR and he wasn’t weighed.

5. 26. this lady is 29 with ca. that’s so sad. anyway. she was on a pca. that’s in itself is awful because 2 hourly obs and her pca literally finished during handover. it was fucking awful. i could hear it through the door as we were doing handover that the syringe was finished. and her fluids were finishing too. i hate it. i hate everything. i hate my life. the clexane wasn’t double signed by whoever i checked it with. she had dda’s and taps and things that needed double signatures and no one ever wants to check with me. it was tragic. he refused an ngt this afternoon. she’s complaining of bno for 3 days but home team is hesitant to give her aperients because of her history. SHE WAS DUE FOR AN IRON INFUSION THAT WASN’T GIVEN BECAUSE PHARMACY GAVE IT SO LATE THAT NO DOCTORS WERE FREE TO DO THE IRON INFUSION WITH. i called them multiple times today about that iron infusion only for then to tell me that i was coming up. but it came at the last round and by then it’s 1700 and all the doctors have gone home and i’m in the middle of my round and i had to go for break and when i got back it was another round and oops it’s 2000 and cover’s busy. it was so messy. i don’t know. i don’t know if she had meds that weren’t given but she hopefully had all her meds.

6. 27. her picc had to be removed today? because she had a bug. she had a new ivc put in during double staff time which was great but tpn couldn’t be given because we can’t give tpn through an ivc. i’m just glad that we had fluids that were meant to be going up and it had fucking glucose in there so she wouldn’t hypo. her fistula bag didn’t give me too much grief today. it didn’t leak which was nice. it just sucks that she needed pain relief as i was about to go. she’s due for another picc tomorrow anyway which is fine but the ivc was just annoying today because we were held back with her antibiotic because she had no line and when she finally did have a line it turns out that she didn’t have her antibiotic and it hadn’t come up from pharmacy. so i had to call them about that and thankfully it came up 6 hours late and they didn’t even give me the other medication that i had faxed. luckily it was a daily dose and i still had one left but the late staff tomorrow will kill me. tbh 27 was my star patient today. update: she wasn’t. the doctor wrote stat vitamin k today but it wasn’t given this morning. i asked the doctor if they still wanted it given because there was still time to fax it to pharmacy but she said that it was on the plan that they didn’t want it given. so i gave her the chart to review and come handover time when i checked, it wasn’t reviewed and it looks like i didn’t give it and it was a FUCKING STAT ORDER. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

7. i thought i had an inkling that i wanted to work at 2b but today just proves that maybe i don’t???

8. no one really cares.

9. andrew told me this.

10. i don’t know. maybe he was talking to me and passively aggressively telling me that i wasn’t helping him but oh well.

11. all i did today was follow up doctors and follow up pharmacy and pick up the slack that the morning staff didn’t do and do all of my stuff at the same time and i sort of get blamed for all the messy stuff anyway. and it sucks. because i really wanted to do well today after being 5 days off.

12. i was really trying. i made sure i did all my checks and i finally did all my fbc’s this time. i went through meds to make sure everyone had stock. i made sure to fax them to pharmacy on time so that i get them all ON TIME. i highlighted on my cheat sheet for things that the doctors need reviewing. i thought i was on a roll. and then i wasn’t.

13. i think when 1700 rolls around, it’s just a mess. because it’s one thing after the other.

14. or maybe it’s the nature of the rooms. i have been in the rooms for 4 days in a row last week and today. 

15. karla noticed and told me to swap but i know how tl’s feel about people swapping out of the rooms. they fucking hate it

16. the thing is though... penny noticed the chaos that i left behind. jackie too. and now i feel like they’re going to be so nit-picky about everything in the charts and looking for one miniscule detail that they can pick apart. they’ll tell vanessa in the morning and it’ll be a whole spiel about checking charts because the rooms missed so many meds meds today and that nothing is tidied up and plans weren’t followed up and it’ll be a whole thing and i won’t be there in the morning or the afternoon to take the brunt of it. and i do want to take accountability. i don’t want them talking behind my back and telling me i’m shit. just tell me. tell me so i know. i’m just terrified now because i just really want to be better. and it just fucking sucks that today was a mess and i really tried to make it better and it didn’t happen. and i know it’s my fault. you can argue that it’s not. but it is. it was my fault for not pushing the things i wanted followed up. my fault.

17. i also have to do this painful conversation with vanessa about being a referee. i doubt she’ll be one though.

18. amanda is amazing. she waited for me even though i left at 2155.

19. ash was around too.

i want to cry. because i feel like a failure and i feel like everything’s a mess.

13/11/2020 2200

i’m not in the rooms this time!!!

1. i had a good day... i think?

2. pretty chill until the end there

3. i worked with kabita. she’s a gem

4. i feel like i’ve been annoying everyone with how positive i am

5. i’ll stop

6. i don’t know what to say

7. my bed 8 had a pca which was fine

8. my bed 9 was x2 assist and was troubled with moving around and i think he pulled  a muscle because he was in pain a lot after getting into bed

9. and he told me he was having trouble breathing and sirens were ringing in my head

10. but i think it was just pain-related

11. so we have endone and repositioned him and i think he’s okay now

12. overall, everything was good

13. my feet hurt

14. okay let’s just talk about my feelings for a minute

15. this is so inappropriate but ash was around today and caught me by surprise

16. at this point he’s the only one motivating me to come to work

17. but i don’t think he likes me that way bahahahahahahahahahahashhahahahahahahahahahahah what the fuck am i typing right now hahahahahahahahahhahahahaahhaahhahahahahahahah

18. i don’t know. it feels weird like... we’re friends and will only ever be friends.

19. oh god but it hurts

i can’t. this is complex all over again. gaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

16/11/2020 2122

okay so here’s the sitch

1. ash is totally not interested. i don’t think so

2. i got covid tested for the luls

3. i hope it’s negative dear lord i hope it’s negative

4. i haven’t left my house besides to go to work. how in fuck’s name would i get it???

5. if i am positive then i know someone in the hospital gave it to me because it ain’t me sis

6. i was in the rooms again

7. i have an appointment tomorrow so i’m going to get moved if i am still in the rooms

8. cbf to the rooms

9. i have to leave at 1

10. it was so fucking busy today. more than usual.

11. usually by day 3 of being in the rooms, i have adjusted to everyone because i’ve had the same people for 3 days.

12. i worked with tamara (gem she is but she did forget to help me a lot today)

13. 23. is x1 assist and although she’s quite okay, rang the bell all throughout my med round so i was just freaking out

14. 24. i had to do a dressing change because doctors took it down. i packed it and everything but the doctors came back and took everything down so we had to do everything all over again

15. 25. heparin infusion continues to run and he fucking bled through the whole night and it was just a mess. he also had a dressing change

16. 26. dementia lady. refused care all day. called my hair ugly

17. 27. cystoscopy and needed a new fistula bag

18. 28. vac dressing came off, needed re-dressing and she was for a picc line

19. 1. for tov but kept putting it off

20. 2. vague at times. kept pressing the bell

21. 29. we almost had a resp precautions lady. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

22. it was a mess. i didn’t have morning tea or lunch. there’s that.

23. i didn’t do any of my care plans or falls risk or pressure injury or composites or fbcs and bowel charts and i probably missed meds. 

24. it was a mess

25. mel was there and tia was there for the late and they looked so over it

26. let’s get back to ash. he was around today. i legit almost ran into him and it caught me by surprise because i wasn’t expecting him to be around. and he asked how i was and i said i was dying and i asked how he was and he said the same and that he was up at 0430 to come there to do bloods and he was tired so i told him that we should die together and he said that it was something??? romantic??? and i ran away because he’s so cute i can’t aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa but also he was around all day and he was joking around with everyone and now i’m thinking maybe he just sees everyone as friends??? i have no clue.

i just am tired. my feet hurt. i wish the covid test is negative. it’s probably positive considering my luck these days.

17/11/2020 1818

negative bibi

1. i just got my covid test result and it’s negative

2. guess where i was buddy

3. rooms

4. i came in early so i could swap because i was leaving early but vanessa was like “nope. allocation’s been done!” yeet

5. karla was there and she saw me trying to swap and she looked at me like “aww. kaye. no.”

6. so i had no choice but to be in the rooms

7. to be honest, because of the whole debacle yesterday, i was kind of prepared and i knew what i had to do and what needed to be done

8. for instance. i’m more comfortable with bed 25′s heparin infusion

9. i knew which meds needed to be done for each patient

10. i knew which dressings i need doing

11. the og bed 23 was gone so that was fun because she was highly infectious and needed serious ppes but she was also replaced by a query covid so i guess it was more of the same

12. 24 was the same and i felt more confident in doing a dressing change

13. 25 was still on heparin but because the doctors overnight did a pressure dressing change, it didn’t leak through anymore

14. 26 was empty.

15. maybe that’s why today was easier. i had 3 patients.

16. i was going to get someone new. ?covid but the moment he came to the ward, he was taken to ot

17. 27 we changed her bag and i did it with aman

18. 28 was the same she went to ot because her wound was leaking

19 1 was the same. idc was out

20. 2 was the same and nothing new

21. i was a good morning. i didn’t get tea break or lunch break though.

22. now let’s talk about ash again lol

23. he’s in today!

24. how is he on for so many days now and i didn’t see him at all for 2-3 weeks???

25. he was looking 24′s chart and i gave it to him and i said his name and accidentally called him “ass” and he laughed and i laughed *awkwardly* and he jokingly said are you checking me out blah blah something something words and he walks away and says more stuff and he slaps his own butt and holy shit wtf just happened and i said that i haven’t forgiven him for calling me faye that one time

my hart <3 be still

24/11/2020 0938

i have 2 weeks left sis

1. i had a night shift and the past 2 nights weren’t awful.

2. i have had decent shifts

3. granted that they did put me back in the rooms for my late-early before these nights but it wasn’t too crazy.

4. i finally had a meal break which was exciting.

5. i have nothing of significance to say only that i have 2 weeks left and i’m semi-relieved because i’m tired and semi-sad because i will miss the place

6. there was one negative from this shift and it’s that i didn’t get to talk to ash today

7. i had so many urology patients that i was hoping i’d run into him before my shift ends.

8. i washed my hair for you. pls like me.

9. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i don’t know when i’ll come back to update you. maybe at the tail-end of this rotation. i’m just savouring the last few days that i have employment and a steady income and maybe getting to see ash. he’s so fucking cute i hate myself so much.

03/12/2020 0136

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

1. i have an interview tomorrow for casual pool

2. jigar told me the questions and answers so i hope it’ll be fine

3. hopefully it’s also the study day questions

4. it’ll be fine because it’s only 4 of us and it’s only half an hour

5. it’ll be fine

6. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

7. i’m stressing out

8. let’s get to the shift

9. i had 15-18

10. it wasn’t bad. it was just constant because i also had to answer a lot of call bells for tayla (she’s great btw)

11. i kept telling robert that i was looking forward for him to go home before i finish but now he’s staying for a while

12. i don’t know

13. ash was in today and he’s still adorable as always

14. i almost ran into him literally.

15. i was changing someone’s colostomy bag and gomta was calling me so i pulled the curtain and walked out and almost ran into him because i was looking down and when i looked up it was ash and i literally gasped because holy fucking shit i was that close to him and i looked at him in the eyes and was just a fucking mess because he’s just aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and then i managed to collect myself and said hi and he was looking for bed 20 and i said she was ot and i ran off because i’m a mess

16. i saw him again later and he asked how i was and i said that i was excited and nervous and he asked who i had a date with and i said sadly none (i was so tempted to say “i’m just waiting on you” i’m glad i didn’t because that would be pathetic) and then i said that i was finishing my contract soon and that i had an interview and he said good luck to me and he joked around with another rn and my heart because i guess everything was just normal colleague banter and conversation

17. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai was literally throwing you a signal that we will never see each other again soon. are we just torpe? what is that in english

18. anyways. interview tomorrow. i probably won’t update you because it’s not a work day for me tomorrow but maybe the last 3 shifts?

wish me luck. i need this casual job.

07/12/2020 2239

this is a quick update i need to sleep

1. it’s my last day tomorrow

2. worked with amy. the best.

3. gave deb her chocolates although she was quite pissy with me today

4. everyone was surprised i was finishing tomorrow

5. i’m tempted to call in sick

6. i got the casual role

7. i saw ash today but we didn’t see each other and now we’ll never see each other ever again and i’m so sad and i’m gonna continue being sad

that’s my update. see you tomorrow.

10/12/2020 1207

that’s it. my last shift. done.

1. let me start by saying that it was really weird that i finished on a night.

2. i can’t sat that i was shocked because my last shift at ED was also on a night.

3. i won’t get into reminiscing everything because i think i’ll do one massive post on that

4. let’s just talk about my actual shift

5. worked at 7-14

6. not too bad because i know all of them already

7. 7 was the same. he slept all the way and his bed was just a mess and he can’t stay still to elevate his leg. i just left him as he was because he looked comfortable. i hope he get’s better

8. 8 was the same. he was the man who had net tube coiled around his teeth. it’s so fucking cool that I caught that. i was doing his note and i saw his plan was to measure the tube length daily and i hadn’t that on that shift so i thought i sneak one in and do a check and he said that it was uncomfortable. he opens his mouth and holy shit the tube was coiled. the doctor reviewed it and it was taken out. they wrote on the notes that the tube was unsafe and i’m so glad that i caught that because he was supposed to start on the feeds that night. he’s fine and a star patient. he’s for another tube this friday

9. 9 is a smart ass. annoying.

10. 10 was a new guy but he was so easy to look after that there was not much that was memorable about him. lap chole. d/c the next day

11. 11 was empty

12. 12 was a lady we’ve seen before and she came back after i had sent her home. it was weird. she had no plans. but i liked her. she was a good patient overnight

13. 13 was an mrcp lady. ?ercp. ?fasting but they wrote a plan for cf??? it was confusing. she was otherwise okay. i think she was rather scared and traumatised after the debacle with 14.

14. 14 is a special lady. at the start of my shift, she started moaning and groaning in pain. i expected this considering she had a background of ivdu, od’s, addictions, withdrawals, and all the fun stuff. disclaimer that i know that i shouldn’t assume but hear me out. when i first received this patient when she was admitted, the nurse handed over to me that she was a funny lady. when you go in the room, she plays up. when you leave, she’s fast asleep and comfortable as can be. i can sense an abuser of the system. okay. cool. this is how you are doing this then. i don’t like that one bit. so she understands from the get-go that she can have pain relief every two hours. she’s a nurse. she knows this. the game she plays is asking me what time it is. it sounds like an innocent question. oh yeah, what time is it just for my innocent knowledge. nope. it’s so she can know when she’s due for another one. don’t think you’re fooling me maam because right at the 2 hour mark, you ring the bell and you start playing up your “pain”. i don’t buy it you fuckwit. you were sleeping oh-so-comfortably just then with your leaning your head to one side and snoring your stupid face away. fuck you. so getting back to the shift, she had s/c oxy at 2105 and was in “so much pain” that it involved a lot cursing and you should be ashamed of yourself and i’m calling the ceo and you’re cruel AND SHE PULLED THE RACE CARD ON ME. YOU PULLED THE RACE CARD ON ME????? EXCUSE ME??? i digress. i did an urgent review because she threatened to be trouble if she didn’t get anything. doctor came and after much deliberation and understanding that she wants fentanyl, she charts her the smallest dose. with some additional clonidine and her reg nitrazepam to shut her up. fair enough. it worked. the bitch is asleep. anaesthetist came and was a real piece of work when she came in. she acted all smug and wasn’t convinced about why she was called and looked annoyed that she had to review a sleeping and comfortable patient. she said “how is she?” “settled” “did you want me to bother her or let her sleep?” “let her sleep” “okay”. wtf. she starts writing on the case notes and very passive aggressively asking me questions. after i explained to her the situation and that she had a history and that the intern told her she can have pain relief “whenever” and that she was under aps that’s why they couldn’t review the pain relief, she sort of started to get convinced. luckily 14 rang the bell. this was the only time i was relieved that she rang because now look at her doctorbitchcraft. see what i have to work with. she came out of that room back on the nurses side that this lady is crazy. she will now be reviewed by them. she explains to me that her diagnosis doesn’t cause that much pain and her sudden increase in pain was unusual because it conveniently happened on the day that she realised she could take advantage of her hospital stay to abuse more opioids. i really don’t like that. after this, she settled but still rang the bell every 2 hours asking for pain relief. she had the nerve to apologise to me that morning. no you’re not forgiven but because i have to be fake her, it’s fine. it’s soooo fine. i love my job.

15, anyway.

16. that was my last shift.

17. it was very sad because i left so unceremoniously. i guess i wanted that but also... i thought i made enough connections with people that they would say goodbye. this is why we shouldn’t expectttttttt aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i left a huge box of chocolates and no one really cared that much. ffs.

18. i didn’t return my key because lol

19. i also didn’t get to see ash. i saw him yesterday but her was going to the toilet and didn’t see me walking out.

20. alice was in so i knew urology were in so i was sort of hoping ash’ll walk in and i’d tell him it was my last day and.... i don’t know.

21. aaaaahhh shit.

22. 2b was interesting. i dreaded coming here but it was not that awful. it’s come full circle and maybe it was a blessing because i can finally let go of this grudge and this resentment i had for nursing after working here as a student. i now realise the stress and pressure it takes to work in this busy ward and i have more of an appreciation and understanding of the work and why people are the way that they are. it was no excuse how they treat people but i hope that by me being there changed something? it probably didn’t. will i be going back to ed?????? yes. will i be going back to 2b?????? also yes. casual nurseeee here i come.

i’ll make a huge post after this. detailing my trials and tribulations during this grad year. it’ll be when i’m available. but for now. i’m signing off. thank you 2b. you’ve taught me how to be a better nurse. simply by showing me ways how to be and not to be. i don’t know how i managed to insert the pun in there.

09/01/2020 1520

today marks the end of my grad year! although i did finish my last shift last month, today is actually the end of my contract and therefore the end of my grad year. i’m officially a full-fledged nurse. fuck.

let’s do a final recap.

The biggest problem I had throughout the year was my struggle with my Imposter Syndrome. It’s the feeling of incompetence and undeserving-ness I had of my role. I think there were multiple times throughout this post that I’ve complained of how stupid I was. And a lot of the times that I’ve said that to myself is undocumented. The instances are numerous and forever stuck within the confines of my brain. I worried too much about how people perceived me. I thought that I had left this behind but it cam circling back. I found myself working hard not to deliver the best care but so I could be “perceived” as a hard-worker. It’s so messy. It’s also so difficult. I left shifts so exhausted because I hadn’t sat down or had a meal break or had a drink of water for 8 or so hours. I was torturing myself beyond belief so I could do more and be more.

Despite this, I am proud of one thing - I didn’t crack this year. I had to deal with colleagues and patients treating me horribly and work spaces that weren’t supportive and add my troubled brain into this mix and it was a recipe for disaster. But I refused to allow myself to crumble. I ploughed through and built myself up back up when I fell. I learned to accept everything as criticism and to let things go when it hurt. I had so much growth this year that I can say that I am a good nurse. I’m not the best but my experiences at the most difficult places shaped me into the nurse that I am.

I’m proud of myself.

And I don’t say that to myself enough.

okay. why the fuck did i like so many people this year??? i think boys and money were my only motivations this year. it’s so pathetic.

ash is actually the most beautiful man i’ve ever met. oh my god. i have butterflies every time i see him. i actually look forward to go to work because i know he’s there. but... i’m actually so intimidated by him because he’s so successful. he’s a doctor. he studied overseas. he speaks 3 languages. he does other medical related stuff outside of work. he’s a jeweller. he’s has other businesses that i don’t think i’m even aware of. he’s charismatic. he’s funny. he’s fucking adorable. i’m feel like dying when i see him. i have to keep reminding myself that this is just infatuation. it’s just infatuation.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

anyways.

i don’t know how long i’ll be a nurse for but i’ll do my best until the time ends and i move on to something else.

I learned so much this year.

Thank you to my preceptors, my colleagues, my fellow grads, my patients, and to meeeeeeeeeeee.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i’m a nurse. woo~