#it's funny that technically there is a love triangle but only one of its members knows about it. and the center is kyon not haruhi

[sailorstarlesbian]

Listen there's no way in hell I believe Itsuki Koizumi is straight and/or attracted to Haruhi but if he was I would applaud his strategy for being "I'm gonna flirt with this other guy SO HARD I'm gonna give him a sexuality crisis and he won't have the energy to even care about the girl we both like"

[mccoyyy]

moving this to my new blog so I can pin it again lol

@stregoni-benefici you are completely correct but I just wanted to expand on this a little bit - also i’m putting this under a read more cause this got a lot longer than i originally thought it would be

sexism: smeyers treatment of female characters throughout the entire series is extremely problematic. like you don’t even need to read deep into the books to see that. the backstories of all her female characters all involve some form of trauma and are significantly more violent than the male vampires (Rosalie and Esme enduring physical/sexual assault meanwhile Edward dies of the flu and Emmett gets vibe checked by a bear).

she also creates the idea that a woman isn’t complete without children/being a mother. every female vampire in the series is desperate for children yet can’t, its mentioned in pretty much every book and extreme emphasis is placed on how tragic this is. a female character wanting children isn’t wrong or sexist at all but the way its written in twilight makes it seem like its something a woman has to do in order to be happy and smeyer pretty much cements this idea by making Bella suddenly desperate to have Renesmee despite showing no interest in children/audibly voicing her thoughts against having children in eclipse and the start of breaking dawn (i’m pretty sure Bella has a line of dialogue in the books where she says something like she didn’t realise it was something she wanted/needed until it happened bit I’m not sure I try not to read/think about breaking dawn)

there’s also the way she writes female characters, specifically Rosalie. its mentioned throughout the series that Rosalie has extreme mechanical skills and multiple degrees in STEM fields but its barely ever shown, and instead her characterisation focuses on being obsessed with her looks (first couple pages of this, written by smeyer for new moon), and being a ‘stereotypical bitch’. for the first three books most of her character/dialogue is based on being cold and rude to Bella. She is unnecessarily painted as the villain for having different views on Bella (quite literally) giving up her life and future to be with a man (which is a whole other can of worms). the same is done to the character of Leah in eclipse/breaking dawn. Leah is a woman in the Quileute Tribe, she has been severely affected by the Cullen’s presence in the area and is painted as a character that the reader is supposed to dislike simply because she doesn’t like Bella/the Cullen’s despite having extremely valid reasons not to

anti-Native - smeyers treatment of native tribes is horrendous. she has profited fr years off of of native american culture for years and has done so without any acknowledgements. furthermore, she also demonises native american teens (especially in new moon) by calling them wild, violent, dangerous and out of control and then uses these stereotypes to create a contrast between the self control and patience of the Cullen’s and make them seem more like the good guys, and the wolf pack being lesser. She does this again with the treatment of Jacobs character in new moon and especially eclipse.

Jacob starts off in new moon as Bella’s best friend. he helps Bella come out of a severe depression caused when Edward left at the start of the book. however in eclipse his character makes a complete flip and he becomes moody, temperamental, argumentative and disrespectful of Bella’s boundaries. his character becomes unrecognisable and despite smeyers claims of a love triangle, it is obvious what the outcome will be. I have seen countless instances of people on this site claiming they hate Jacob because he is a dick/disrespectful/just as unhealthy as Edward. this was done on purpose by smeyer as she uses Jacob to make Edward seem like the obvious and correct choice for Bella. if you need more proof of this, take the scene where Jacob kisses Bella without her consent and she breaks her hand when punching him, Edward swoops in and almost gets into a fight with Jacob for touching Bella without her consent. this is an obvious attempt to make Jacob seem like the villain and Edward the white saviour

there’s also the treatment of the native characters by the white characters in the books. multiple times in the series, the native characters are called/compared to dogs/brutes and have a distinct unpleasant smell. I don’t think I need to explain how this is racist. the pack also helps the Cullen’s/saves Bella’s lives and never receive any acknowledgement/are treated any better by the Cullen’s/anyone really. the pack are only ever used as a way to make the Cullen’s look better.

there’s also some pretty obvious similarities to colonisation with the Cullen’s entering Quiluete lands which then forces them to start phasing into wolves (and I’m pretty sure none of the pack actually want to start phasing). also, remember Leah? the only female member of the wolf pack? because of the change she effectively can’t have children? that has implications.

and to top it all off, after doing all that, smeyer has never once addressed this or even acknowledged the Quileute Tribe.

pedophilic - I mean even without mentioning breaking dawn its pretty awful. first of all you’ve got the blatant sexualisation of minors throughout the entire series. Edward is 17 throughout the series and smeyer is writing literal paragraphs about his chiselled abs. Jacob is 16/17 when she has him running about forks topless with a 6 pack. this is way more apparent in the movies but its still a huge issue in the books and lead to Taylor Lautner being confronted by adult fans trying to get him to sign their underwear, and being forced into being shirtless for most of the movies which made him extremely uncomfortable (Elizabeth Reaser (Esme) briefly talks about this in the ID10T podcast on spotify). and just as a reminder, Taylor was 16 when the first one was filmed and 17 for the second.

Breaking Dawn is a whole other can of worms. the glaringly obvious issue is Jacob imprinting on a literal newborn baby. now the concept of imprinting itself has racist elements to it, but its heavily implied in the series that imprinting will inevitably lead to a romantic relationship. Jacob imprinting on Renesmee and waiting until she is old enough to enter into a romantic relationship (never mind the fact that shes ‘old enough’ she will still technically be 5) is pretty much grooming. The same happens with Quil and his imprint, Claire (a two year old) where I’m pretty sure there’s a scene in breaking dawn where Jacob and Leah are watching Quil play with Claire and talking about how Quil isn’t going to date anyone because he and Claire are ‘pretty much inevitable’ (i might be wrong though, like I said I try not to read/think about breaking dawn)

smeyer has also written a spin off book (its like 250 odd pages) called the short second life of Bree Tanner (Bree is that newborn vampire killed after the battle in eclipse by the Volturi btw). In this book, Bree is 15 almost 16, and another character Diego is 18 which is definitely pushing the boundaries of ok. (also as a side note, funny how Bree and Jacob are literally the same age and smeyer states multiple times how Bree deserved better and is only a child (who straight up kills people), yet when it comes to Jacob he has to be a responsible adult and is vilified for every mistake he makes)

racist - smeyer refused to let Catherine Hardwicke (director of the first twilight) have a diverse cast because she ‘imagined them a certain way’ (white) and it was a fight to get Edi Gathegi cast as Laurent and had to compromise with smeyer to make Bella’s friend group more diverse. this woman straight up refused to hire more diverse actors and only agreed to when they were side characters/villains.

Also in the official companion book/guide to twilight, smeyer literally writes that vampire venom makes you white

‘the venom leeches all pigmentation from the skin into a more indestructable vampire form…regardless of original ethnicity a vampires skin will be exceptionally pale’ (official illustrated guide pg.69)

this is a whole lot of bullshit cause she is literally whitewashing characters, but when you pair this with the idea that vampires possess inhuman levels of beauty it becomes extremely problematic and implies that being pale/white is more beautiful than darker skin tones.

also, if we go back to Laurent’s character for a second. so Laurent is one of the only characters who isn’t described as white (in the books he is described as having a pale olive skin tone) and in the first book he comes across as pretty reasonable (warning carlisle about James/Victoria, travels up to Denali and tries out the veggie lifestyle) but in new moon, his characterisation pulls a 180° (sensing a theme here) and is suddenly trying to kill Bella as a favour to Victoria and is Evil™ despite in the first book he literally says to Carlisle he didn’t particularly like travelling with James/Victoria and was only really doing it for convenience. where did this undying loyalty come from? yet again, smeyer is completely disregarding established characterisation in POC characters specifically to villainise them.

and finally, we have Jasper. for some reason (that reason being that she is racist) smeyer decides to make Jasper a confederate soldier in his human life. if you don’t have a lot of knowledge on the american civil war, the confederacy were the side of the US that seceded from the union in order to keep their slaves. Jasper was a confederate soldier, and not just any soldier, but a major. Jasper was a major in an army that fought for 4 years to keep the existence of slavery (and don’t even try to say that slavery wasn’t the root cause of the civil war. states rights aye? states rights to do what). now there’s an argument out there made by certain fans that a lot of people joined the confederate army out of pride/were forced into it cause of conscription to try and head canon the racism away but like that doesn’t matter. there was literally no need to make jasper a confederate in the first place. if she was so desperate to have a civil war vampire then she could have made him a member of the union. its been common knowledge that the confederacy was racist for a long time now, smeyer has absolutely no excuses here.

a lot of these issues overlap and I have probably missed heaps of issues (so feel free to add on) but hope this helps explain why smeyer can *ahem* get tae absolute fuck

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Fascinating. They usually cut jealousy scenes to a minimum or don't show at all even in pure BL genre, like Lan Wangji (esp Wen Ning thing) or Shen Wei being extremely possessive, bc it can't be explained by brotherhood in their opinion. It's also the reason it was cut from Ultimate. So why here suddenly add scenes like that and with such heavy focus is a mystery, since you've said it's not in the novel. It's not even reasonable jealousy, its just straight up "cant touch my piece of pizza" stuff

Hmm... never thought about it. LOL in the anime the kept LZ being jealous of Wen Ning though xD. Idk in "Sleuth of the Ming" they made a whole open scene out of it. What I've noticed is that their censorship always works differently, and some choices never cease to surprise me, as in who decides what's ok and whats not, bc idk... I understand that stuff like dying for each other, touching, staring can be by many seen as a touching bromance technically, I mean I've seen many ppl watching even cencored BL and being completely oblivious. But there are sometimes some stuff included, that I personally do not get how it can be interpreted as "close friends" and how it passed the censorship. And I do not mean here sucking out poisons, for example (bc I would've done this for my close friends if they were in danger haha).

I'm just judging from the point of view of like me and my sister being very close to the point of a person on the street asking us if we're lesbians lmao (I like still don't get where it came from, hand holding?xD). As I've said before, I guess I see why some ppl who don't have close friends or family would consider some closeness as romantic (since both close bros and couple do some things like spooning for example), but anyone who like saw idk bts members or have a super close bestie or sibling might know that hugging each other to sleep, wearing their clothes or feeding them a jelly bean if their hands are busy doesn't always mean you have any romance there going on, speaking from my expierience, so I just have different view on this "gay stuff vs bro stuff". (like to me the afterlife pingxie scene is actually gayer than any touching they've done, bc like why he didn't see his family or iron triangle whole if they all bros). It's just there are a LOOOT of things that can be indeed considered bro stuff technically (they might not be, but they could), but there is some stuff that just cannot be explained by we're bros, thats all. And this kind of jealousy is one of them.

Bc like a bit of jealousy like "my bestie wanted to go skating with their lover instead of me, so I'm upset we don't spend as much time together" can exist, but if you have problems with someone hitting on your friend, checking him out or even touching him and you don't want them to date anybody, that's another thing, that just means you wanna date them. Wu Xie can hug Fatty to sleep and they can slap each other's butts like me and my sis, but he'd never be jealous seeing someone flirting with him or smth. You know what I mean here? So I get why it's in most situations considered not censorship appropriate and it's cut.

But the most funny thing about the "him being unreasonably jealous" added scenes is the fact that like they actually chose to make him being absurdly jealous. Bc for example in the first version of the scene, Pangzi was trying to dance with Xiaoge, thats why Wu Xie got all worked up:

it was at least somewhat understandable. But in the actual scene from the drama they went and for some reason changed it. Xiaoge pulled Pangzi in, bc he lost direction while being blind, but it was still Pangzi who got reprimanded for that at the end lmao

so it just became even more hilarious, bc Pangzi just grazed him, he didn't even do anything, so I was like will this guy just calm the fuck down, but no, he kept going lolz

I'm just surprised about some of their deliberate choices I guess. So I agree, weird it is.

But Reboot in general was weird, when it comes to the rollercoaster of their choices lmao. They uncensored, then used censorship to uncensor, then censored to cover, its just the first time I saw this weird kind of censorship, like as long as girls are there, jokes like "I won't be able to get it up on a woman" are okay??????? Idk they were just extremely out there almost each episode with all kinds of stuff, that by the end I was like... well, at this point its already pointless. I guess it was just the first time, I've seen it made in such weird way and actually used in a smart way fitted with the character and no just for the sake of it. Adding a scene when he accidentally calls his in their opinion potential love interest his bro's name is actually uncensoring, not censoring, you know what I mean? (since we in fact didn't move anywhere near this realization in the book). Same as what many noticed about them openly making fun of censorship and "out of nowhere appeared feelings and how its not love and whats wrong with idolization if u don't know a person" after NPSS interviews and how it only made everyone fall for what pingxie have more. So it was like... I actually for the first time enjoyed it. It was a pretty genius way of showing Wu Xie's weird internal struggles from that book, which I thought were not possible to show. Bc as you know he's hilariously oblivious there about all of it and same as WWX for example do not even consider such possibility. But I think it's just bc it's not actual BL BL, it's a story where a couple naturally accidentaly came together and turned out to be both guys (even tho one was initially intende to be a girl xD), so its in general complicated. Wu Xie is just borderline lost at this point xD. It's like "Yeah, I want him... What do you mean as in dating? Whats that?". Or like:

- Want a wife?

- No, I want Xiaoge.

- As in you're gay?

- What's a gay?

That's basically how he rolls.

But I do love jealous Wu Xie, I think it's hilarious here, he's like somehow complitely okay with how idiotic he looks and that's very sweet haha.

P.S. "can't touch my piece of pizza" lmaoo well Xiaoge does look very delicious like Black Glasses says xD

P.P.S. all in all I really do not get how their censorship works in general at all. Like why Wangxian wedding bows were allowed, but other stuff don't? Or like I get like complimenting your bestie "you look hot in this" or "you're so pretty" or smth, but there's a difference between this and saying that their "lips look sweet"... like thats already another thing entirely. So at times I watch cdramas like... huh??? Maybe it depends on who checks it idk

[asexualzoro]

list of reasons i find Brook ridiculous

for brook’s birthday, ive decided to follow up my other two posts of this genre by dragging yet another idiot swordsman. i have everybrook open on my phone next to me. here we go

- first and foremost his most ridiculous crime is existing. as he’s already so ridiculous as a character, im going to talk only about things hes done

- i want to know, did Brook make a conscious effort to change his laugh to sound like his favorite song? how long did it take? what was the in between period like? what did his crew have to say about this? the rumbar pirates were big on playful teasing, did they let Brook live this down? 

- ALTERNATIVELY: was brook’s laugh already like that? is that why bink’s sake is his favorite song? is that why it was York’s favorite-- oh we only made it two bullet points before i made myself sad

- relatedly i cannot make fun of anything Brook did in his backstory it will make me too sad. hes spared for now

- i DO want to say from a writing standpoint its so fucking ridiculous to me that he mentions twice being a convoy captain in the past and it never comes up again. oda?? why even bother to include something that cool if you weren't even going to do anything with it?? you could have said hes just always been a pirate but no. oda?? oda

- there was that bit where a bunch of people thought Brook was satan and addressed him as such (i think Satan-sama in the original, and the translation i read was like... Lord Satan or Lord Demon or something). not only did Brook never correct them, but he also ran with it and later used this case of mistaken identity as a reason to threaten to eat a man’s heart 

- also both men and women were showing him their underwear in that bit. bi rights

- those satanists let Brook get kidnapped while saying they would try to summon him back. do you think they're still at it

- Brook is older than... basically every old man in the series. Garp, Whitebeard, Rayleigh... all of them. something about that is so weird to me and i cannot place why

- Brook has seen and can prove the existence of an afterlife in One Piece canon and its then never addressed again

- Brook missed so many huge events while being dead. im looking at a timeline rn and these include the obvious, like, roger’s execution and subsequent effect on in-world culture and society and whatever. but also things like the destruction of ohara (which was in his home sea), the founding of the world power known as the revolutionary army (which was about 20yrs ago), and the births of every other member of his crew. wack

- he seems to know about stuff related to the pirate king post time skip, and i wonder if thats because someone told him or he’s just playing along now. maybe he just thinks Luffy made up the term pirate king cuz it sounds cool and he wants to support his captain’s interests

- if he DID ask though, like, who did he ask? his managers? did he pull aside some fan asking for an autograph at a concert like “hey, you look like a knowledgable young lad, mind helping me out?”

- i would love to be there when someone takes the time to explain roger, the pirate king, raffle, the One Piece.... and Brook asks them “what is the One Piece?”.... and someone has to look him in the eye (...or not) and tell him “i don't know” 

- Brook has technically died of fright (his soul left his body), like... at least once? it was luffy’s fault

- Brook was an urban legend on the florian triangle and i doubt he even knows that about himself

- when they're heading to fishmen island Brook gets all scared when they encounter a possible ghost ship and Usopp slaps him

- when captured by big mom he sleeps so godamn soundly and securely that he is harder to wake up than she is and this fact nearly gets a bunch of his crew killed

- Brook is the only character i can think of who has ever broken the fourth wall. he only did it once. maybe seeing the afterlife means he now knows hes in a manga. or maybe being isolated for 50 years just made his head be not screwed on right

- speaking of, there’s a bit in WCI at the wedding where Brook is decapitated. i don't know how it goes in the anime, but in the manga like... no one is shown to have decapitated him. his head just pops off. maybe he was just having fun

- also the bit where he rips the fake face off in wci. when someone calls him gross he cries

- there’s a bit in fishmen island where Brook is trying to ask Nami if he can see her panties (disgusting bastard) and he inadvertently protects her from being dehydrated by some guy they were fighting. except the panel setup reminds me a lot of / mimics ace protecting Luffy from Akainu, and it haunts me

- speaking of bits from fishmen island that haunt me, there's a page where it’s strongly implied Brook fucked a mermaid (maybe two). i will of course include the page here

- yeah. sorry. 

- when Brook first meets the strawhats he invites himself inside because “it’s cold out!” but he later admits in punk hazard that he cant feel cold. he was just lying

- no one introduces himself to Brook except Luffy for the entirety of thriller bark

- half related, Franky cradles Brook in his arms / carries Brook around for like a full scene in thriller bark 

- there's a link two second bit in film gold where the crew is just relaxing while they're planning for how they're going to get Zoro back and they're all shown eating burgers from pirate mcdonalds or whatever. and Brook is eating a burger and hes so messy that hes got burger on his forehead, and Franky is next to him just looking at him

- Brook also wears fake skin in that movie

- Brook has a running gag where he gets upset when things refuse to eat him and i was going to make a joke about it but im wondering if maybe hes just afraid of being left behind........ made myself sad again

- he cries when a dragon won't eat him tho

- Brook admits to reading monster hentai when talking to Sanji and Kin’emon and if i have to be burdened with knowing that so do you

- when hes trying to figure out the weakness of the zombies on thriller bark he overhears one ate a salted fish and lost its shadow and immediately assumes “oh, must have been the fish!” idiot man

- where does his sword cane go when hes not using it. it just appears. where does he store it

- there's a bit where the strawhats all use a combo attack at thriller bark and the first step is firing an electrically charged Brook in a slingshot through oars/oz. he ends up in a wall and no one ever pulls him out. i don't even think the manga shows how he got down

- enemies post time skip regularly assume Brook is dead when they manage to knock the crew out and it makes me wonder how popular of a rock star Brook actually was

- Brook goes on a mini rant to no one while they're descending to fisherman island where he wonders aloud how he sees without eyes and it makes me lose it

- this isn't Brook technically but Nekomamushi is based on a song Brook’s voice actor wrote about his cat.

- Brook literally doesn't have a brain. like i know we all know that but its so fucking funny. we make jokes about other strawhats only having one braincell or whatever but Brook straight up 100% just has a seashell where his brain is supposed to be 

-  why does he have rubber glove looking hands when hes haunting the castle at wano i fucking hate them

- relatedly, there’s a bit where Brook mentions he’s been, at kinemon’s interaction, sitting in a well for like... possibly days? is he okay

- honestly i love everything about Brook’s actions as a ghost in wano bc its so fucking funny but my FAVORITE fact is that Brook is in the wikipedia article about starving skeletons

im leaving you with that. appreciate ur local skeleton today

[letterboxd]

Pride: 25 Queer Films To Love.

Dating Amber writer and director David Freyne introduces our London correspondent Ella Kemp to 25 of his favorite LGBTQIA films.

A coming-out, coming-of-age film, David Freyne’s Dating Amber follows “baby gays” Eddie (Fionn O’Shea) and Amber (Lola Petticrew), who act as each other’s beards in order to stop speculation about their sexualities. Released on Amazon Prime Video in the UK for Pride month, it’s winning praise from Letterboxd members as a “charming” and “gentle” comedy-drama “full of loveliness that extends beyond the Irish accents”.

Lola Petticrew and Fionn O’Shea as Amber and Eddie in ‘Dating Amber’.

As the number of films by and about the gay and trans community expands, we asked Freyne if he could narrow down a list of ten favorites for us. The answer was no—instead, we got 25!

“There are so many extraordinary queer films beyond this list, but all of these films just really affected me when I saw them. Some were the first time I saw queerness on screen, while I deeply identified with others. And, as a filmmaker, each of them makes me braver to fight to tell stories that aren't always easy to get made.

“They are in no particular order because I don’t want to bump into Barry Jenkins (which is obviously going to happen) and have to explain that he is number five on that list (that he will definitely read) for no specific reason. It’s just a technicality.”

David Freyne’s 25 Favorite LGBTQIA+ Films

My Summer of Love (2004) Directed by Paweł Pawlikowski

Paweł Pawlikowski’s film feels like a dream that sweeps you up along with it, helped along by incredible early performances from Natalie Press and Emily Blunt. The hypnotic use of Goldfrapp's ‘Lovely Head’ is probably my favorite use of a song in any film ever. Their drug-fuelled dancing was a massive inspiration for Eddie and Amber’s baby steps into Dublin’s gay scene in Dating Amber.

Weekend (2011) Directed by Andrew Haigh

I never fail to cry buckets at the end of this heartbreaking gem. It’s small in the best sense of the word. Two people fall in love over one intimate weekend. Their gayness is both incidental and totally fundamental. It’s so delicate and moving. Andrew Haigh is a master.

But I’m a Cheerleader (1999) Directed by Jamie Babbit

Jamie Babbit’s debut is a brilliant, campy comedy about a cheerleader sent to a conversion therapy camp. I love it for all the reasons many critics (at the time) disliked it. It is subversive, quirky and defiantly upbeat. And it stars Natasha Lyonne and Clea Duvall. Enough said.

Paris is Burning (1990) Directed by Jennie Livingston

I’m not saying anything new when I say that Paris is Burning is necessary viewing. It’s a hilarious, moving and eye-opening look at the (mostly) Black trans women in New York’s ball scene. It is a glimpse into the lives of these extraordinary people who risked everything to live authentically, for themselves and each other. And at a time when our trans family is so under attack, it is vital to see such iconic figures from our community. You’ve probably seen it. Re-watch it. Also those end notes will make you cry.

Happy Together (1997) Directed by Wong Kar-wai

As with all Wong Kar-wai’s work, it is jaw-droppingly gorgeous. It’s a tough watch, a portrait of a toxic, failing relationship. But it looks beautiful. They’re miserable and co-dependent. It’s abusive and awful. But it’s great. It really is a great film. I’m not selling this one well. Just watch it.

Moonlight (2016) Directed by Barry Jenkins

Definitely worth watching after Happy Together. Not just because it will make you feel better, but because Barry Jenkins has noted it as a big influence. Also, Moonlight is a masterpiece. You know that, of course. Side note: I realize I’ll never be able to create a hand-job scene as powerful and tender as Jenkins did here, but, in Dating Amber, I made three comedy hand-jobs. Take that Jenkins!

God’s Own Country (2017) Directed by Francis Lee

You can feel Francis Lee in every frame of this film. It’s personal filmmaking at its very best, with wonderful performances from Josh O’Connor and Alec Secăreanu. And it has the most beautifully romantic ending that you only realize we lack for LGBTQ characters when you see it laid out so wonderfully. When we were trying to finance Dating Amber and people suggested it was too Irish, I’d just reference God’s Own Country, which is so defiantly Yorkshire, and they’d shut up. Also, Secăreanu’s jumper with a thumb hole is my style icon. Bring on Ammonite!

Can You Ever Forgive Me? (2018) Directed by Marielle Heller

Marielle Heller is such a brilliant filmmaker. This film is based on the memoir by Lee Israel who forged letters by famous people to sell. It’s a genre piece that feels like it could have been made in the 70s. But what I love about it the most is that it is a rare example of a film that centers the friendship between a lesbian and a gay man. Why do films usually treat us like we exist in totally separate worlds? Anyway, it’s a joyous watch.

Tangerine (2015) Directed by Sean Baker

I’m obsessed with tightly plotted films and Tangerine doesn’t waste a frame. It’s 88 minutes of pure wit, charm and entertainment in line with the best of old-school Hollywood. You instantly forget that Baker’s film is shot on an iPhone and just get swept up in the extraordinary performances of Mya Taylor and Kitana Kiki Rodriguez. It’s such a mystery they don’t work more. (Reader: it’s not a mystery. It’s because they are Black trans women, and the industry is shit.)

Portrait of a Lady On Fire (2019) Directed by Céline Sciamma

We all bow at the alter of Céline Sciamma. This film is perfection. The sparse-but-powerful use of music, exquisite photography and extraordinary performances that burn beneath the stillness. The final shots of Adèle Haenel will feed your soul for a year. (Side note: face masks have never looked so stylish.)

Sunday Bloody Sunday (1971) Directed by John Schlesinger

This was John Schlesinger’s follow up to his best-known film, Midnight Cowboy. A middle-aged gay doctor (Peter Finch), and a divorced woman (Glenda Jackson), are both in an open love triangle with a younger, bisexual sculptor (Murray Head). It’s quite low-key and far tamer now than when it was released, but it’s a beautiful film and Schlesinger’s most personal. He was one of the few openly gay directors of his time. And Jackson’s performance steals it.

Far From Heaven (2002) Directed by Todd Haynes

Todd Haynes’ stunning film will make you immediately go out and discover all of Douglas Sirk’s glorious technicolor melodramas. Julianne Moore’s performance as a wife who discovers her husband is gay will break you. Dennis Quaid is also terrific as her closeted husband.

The Watermelon Woman (1996) Directed by Cheryl Dunye

Cheryl Dunye’s low-budget debut is a seminal queer film. A video store worker and documentarian (played by Dunye) starts a new relationship while becoming obsessed with ‘the watermelon woman’, a Black actress forgotten by history. It’s lo-fi, funny and a, far too rare, film about race and sexuality.

My Beautiful Laundrette (1985) Directed by Stephen Frears

It may have been the first time I saw gay characters on screen and, at the time, it petrified me. But what an amazing film about love, acceptance and the power to change. Fun fact: Daniel Day-Lewis spent a year as a tumble dryer in preparation for his role.

Beautiful Thing (1996) Directed by Hettie MacDonald

Hettie MacDonald’s coming-of-age film is so lovely, honest and tender. James Harvey adapted it from his own play of the same name. The soundtrack is almost entirely The Mamas and the Papas. I am surprised some cigar-smoking West-End mogul hasn’t attempted a musical adaptation. Or maybe they have, I don’t know.

Pride (2014) Directed by Matthew Warchus

Such a purely entertaining film while being urgent, political and deeply moving. Beresford’s script is a masterclass in plotting and if you don’t cry at the end then you are dead inside. Sorry but that’s just science. Also it has the most emotional postscript coda since, well, Paris is Burning.

Love is Strange (2014) Directed by Ira Sachs

Ira Sachs is one of my favorite current filmmakers and criminally underrated. I mean, he’s appreciated, but he needs to be lauded. Love is Strange is such a charming and quietly devastating love story about an older gay couple who lose their apartment and have to couch surf with relatives. It’s one of the most effective films in dealing with the rental crisis in big cities, something he does equally brilliantly in the follow-up, Little Men.

A Fantastic Woman (2017) Directed by Sebastián Lelio

Sebastián Lelio’s film is a beautiful story about one trans woman’s grief after the unexpected death of her older partner. But what makes this film so spectacular is the captivating performance by Daniela Vega. We need to see more of her on screen.

BPM (Beats per Minute) (2017) Directed by Robin Campillo

It’s a film about the AIDS activism of Act Up in 1990s Paris. What makes this so incredible is how joyous it is. Strobe-doused dance scenes punctuate this film that will make you want to take to the streets and fight for your rights.

The Queen of Ireland (2015) Directed by Conor Horgan

This documentary by Conor Horgan follows Ireland’s most famous drag queen, Panti Bliss (aka Rory O’Neill). It’s about his life, a legal battle (a bunch of homophobes sued Rory for calling them homophobes on national TV) and the staging of a show in his hometown. Central to all this is Ireland’s historic vote on marriage equality, something that Panti was a powerful figure in. If you want to laugh and have your heart soar in seeing confirmation of how a once painfully conservative country moved to love and equality, watch this.

The Kids Are All Right (2010) Directed by Lisa Cholodenko

Lisa Cholodenko’s feature is a warm, witty and realistic look at a lesbian couple and their children. Every performance is pitch perfect. I can’t believe it’s a decade old and that we have had so few similar films since.

Booksmart (2019) Directed by Olivia Wilde

We need more joyous films with queer leads and Olivia Wilde’s debut is just that. Set over one night of belated partying, we follow best friends Molly and Amy (Beanie Feldstein and Kaitlyn Dever), one of whom happens to be a lesbian. It is just so much fun to watch.

All About My Mother (1999) Directed by Pedro Almodóvar

I mean this list could just be an Almodóvar filmography, but All About My Mother just happened to be the first of his I saw and it blew my little gay mind. It’s simply about love in its truest sense. Almodóvar said it best with his dedication, “To all actresses who have played actresses. To all women who act. To men who act and become women. To all the people who want to be mothers. To my mother.”

Female Trouble (1974) Directed by John Waters

You can’t have a queer film list without John Waters, and this 1974 classic is my favorite of his. It follows Dawn Davenport (played by the legendary Divine) from teen delinquent to the electric chair. It’s hilarious, irreverent and distasteful in the ways only Waters can be.

Saint Maud (2019) Directed by Rose Glass

Rose Glass’s debut film isn’t out yet and so technically shouldn’t be on the list. But I saw at a festival last year and loved it, so there. It’s a horror film about a private nurse (rising star Morfydd Clark) who tries to save the soul of her deviant and lesbian patient (the always-brilliant Jennifer Ehle). It’s eerie, stylish and the sort of debut all us filmmakers wish we had. Shut up, you’re jealous!

Related content

MundoF’s Opening the Vault: a chronological history of queer interest and LGBTQ+ cinema.

Leonora’s list of Films by Transgender Writers and Directors.

Out of the Closets and Into the Cinemas!: meeting queer folks in dark rooms.

New Queer Cinema

Queer Films Everyone Must See

Queer, Black, 21st Century: A Pride 2020 List

Autostraddle’s Top 200 Lesbian, Bisexual & Queer Movies of All Time

Brianna’s list of LGBT+ Animation

[thankgodforianflynn]

Sally and the Family Tree

(Narrating in First Person as Sally)

My Brother is a Squirrel

I am not

My Father is a Squirrel

I am not

My mother is mostly Chipmunk, but not fully

Why I am fully chipmunk?

...Oh, that’s right.

I’m a groundhog.

I’d argue that I’m adopted.

Because my own family tree

...Only makes sense when it needs to

That's the Acorn Family in a nutshell

...My Father is Complex

He is a Mobius Complex in and of itself

Is he the bad guy or the good guy?

Who knows?

...He’s my dad.

That’s all I need to know.

All I ever needed to know.

...So why then

Am I still here?

Oh, right

Sonic

...How similar are Hedgehogs to Groundhogs by the way?

...Am I hedgehog?

Or Groundhog?

Who knows?

I love Sonic

I Love Nicole

...I even love Amy, but, even looking at her is complicated.

Its like I fell in love with Knuckles’ Smaller Lesbian sister.

...Then why does she love Sonic?

Guy or Girl?

...Like I’d know.

I keep changing the answer myself

...I try not to look at the marks

They remind me of things

Things I Might not fully be prepared to deal with yet.

...Am I?

Am I ready?

I’m here.

I ask the questions people don’t ask themselves.

That’s my angle.

I’m the question.

Sally or Sortie?

Sally or Sortie?

War or Truce?

War or Truce?

I know several guys.

Because I’ve

...I would say

Nope

The answer keeps getting yanked from me

Almost all the time

I am a chipmunk, I decide.

...My Dad reminds me of that show.

We used to watch that show together.

Best time 

...Wow

I was actually almost about to say my dad and I had a moment

...We’ve never had a moment

Never

Ever

Ever

So why

AM

I STILL

...I’m the tactician

Always the leader, but, never actually the leader

Ever

I get funny feelings when I look at Sonic

I would never tell you those feelings

...

WOULD THE REAL ANSWER MATTER?

WOULD IT?

IT WOULD MAKE ME LOOK STUPID

RIDICULOUS

UTTERLY HUMILIATED

MY DAD WOULD NEVER LOOK AT ME THE SAME WAY AGAIN

...I raise my right arm

He raises left

I guess we’re sort of in sync.

I want to be sync

I want to.

With both of them.

But I have to remind-

NOPE

MAX IS NO FATHER OF MINE

WAS NEVER MY FATHER

NIGEL WAS MY FATHER

MAX IS A LIVING JOKE

...

I never wanted Sonic dead

But our link keeps changing

I would never tell anyone what  he actually was to me

THAT WOULD JUST BE SILLY

...Go away

I tell him

I ignore Knuckles

...I tell him that all the time though

Never actually true

AND

I HATE

SONIC’S FUCKING

SHADOW

...Nope

Wrong answer

He hates

Me

Like this was ever going to go any other way

‘Sonic?’, I wonder

Who was that?

Oh, right, blue and red hedgehog, with green eyes.

...He always has red copycats though

Sometimes Mauve

BUT

WHEN I TALK TO BLAZE

‘...Sally, seriously stop it. You’re scaring me.’

‘OH, WAS I? I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST IGNORING ME.’

‘...Amy goes first. Then you.’

‘...For the record, I think he’s more interested in his games then telling me about you.’

‘...Oh.’

Blaze sighs. ‘Wow. I need to keep the fire of creation alive.’ She stares at ALL THE ANGLES

APPARENTLY THE ANGLES WON’T STARE AT THEMSELVES

...Or was that an Anagram?

NOPE

...But, yes.

‘...’ Blaze murmurs an ‘N’ name, to some random third party

Nothing’s random about it.

‘...Scourge is a nutshell of his own.’, Sally murmurs. The nut jokes were back.

THEY WERE KIND OF FUNNY

IN THAT

ONLY A FEW MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY ACTUALLY SEEMED TO GET THEM

NO ONE GOT THE JOKE THAT WAS HER LIFE

She wanted to shove her younger/older brother down the hall.

...Where was she?

Where was she really?

Hell?

Was Mobius Hell?

...’Nope’

‘It’s Hades’, she reminds herself

‘Gonna stay out of the Hell trap entirely.’

‘...You know how Sonic keeps staring at your name funny?’

‘Like how he stares at a certain cop.’

...A strange outside party stands.

Just stands.

‘Where are the zones?’, certain parties murmur.

Both members have ‘Z’ in their names by the way.

‘...I just remember the hard times now.’, Sally murmurs.

‘...We’ve had some good times.’

‘But you keep making it harder to remember.’

‘THE ALPHABET ONLY HAS 25 LETTERS NOW.’

‘...Fine. 25.5. ‘Z’ is basically just an inversion of ‘S’.’

‘...What is a ‘sone’ by the way?’, Sally murmurs.

‘THAT IS THE OLDEST WORK JOKE IN HISTORY’

‘...Because he keeps finding himself in a PlayStation?’, Sally murmurs. ‘Even though he likes ninten-’

‘He likes NINTENDO’S STYLE’

‘...He has a way with Sega Stuff. His consoles keep breaking.’

‘...But, not Scourge’s. Scourge knows something I don’t.’

‘SONIC’

‘...Mario/Scourge.’

‘That was a freaky commercial, I admit,’ Sally murmurs

‘OH, WAIT’

‘BACK TO THE TREE’

‘...We don’t have lines in our tree here on Mobius.’

‘WE HAVE ‘8′s in between all our family members.’

‘...Bad joke.’

‘The actual lines are complicated.’

‘...What is the difference, by the way? 8. ...oo. Sadly, 0. ...But, there was no line through it. ////////////////////////////// THERE WE GO’

‘FEELS LIKE WE ONLY FILLED IN AS MANY LINES AS WE HAVE FRIENDS’

‘...Friends are family’, I remind myself.

‘...Then I wake up.’

‘THEY LITERALLY ARE OUR FAMILY’, I remind myself.

‘ONLY INSTEAD OF THE WOODS’

‘ANTOINE’

‘KEEPS LEADING SONIC’

‘THROUGH THE SAVANNAH’

‘OR WAS IT THE DESERT?’

‘I CAN’T REMEMBER ANYMORE’

‘...I do want to read those books sometime.’

‘Sonic likes dogs, but also cats, but seemingly never at the same time.’

‘See what I did there?’

‘HE LIKES BOTH OF THEM’

‘BUT IT HURTS TO ADMIT IT’

...So I remind myself.

To bring both Blaze and Buddy into the room

‘WOW’, I exclaim

‘SURE IS FORCES IN HERE, GUYS/GALS’

‘I BET INFINITE IS ACTUALLY BOTH OF YOU, BUT ALSO SILVER’

‘...He’s the reached the top’

‘But had to stop’

‘...And, that's weirdly bothering him.’

‘...Mammoth Monk?’

‘Whose that?’, I ask

‘I only know the Mogul guy?’

‘HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU AND INFINITE FUCKED?’

‘...’ Sonic get strangely silent and loud at the same time at that.

‘...Finn’s weird.’, Sonic admits. ‘Almost as weird as me.’

‘Yup. Sure is number one fanboy in here.’, I admit.

...Infinite looks at the sides.

‘Sorry, Princess, not yet. ...But, you are my princess.’

‘WOW’

‘I Didn't KNOW SQUIRRELS AND JACKALS WERE RELATED’

‘...They are.’, Infinite admits.

‘...I have an odd relationship with those guys. I think I was Gunner in a blast life.’

‘BECAUSE EVERYTHING YOU MAKE GOES BOOM?’, I ask

‘...Not entirely. You’re still here.’

‘AUGMENTED REALITY IS AM IRAC-’

‘...I stare at the funny pink guy/girl’

‘Still not sure’

All four previous lines were said by my jackal cousin.

‘...Afri- ...Makes strange dogs.’, he tells me.

‘Ah, you mean the new ones’, I tell him.

Its our inside joke.

...Not that inside though.

‘I DON’T KNOW HOW HE’

‘...Dad? ...No wait, that’s Mom.’

‘I KEEP FORGETTING WHAT MY MOM-’

‘...Did I imagine having a mom?’

‘NOPE’

All five prior lines by him.

‘...I keep-’

‘I KNOW SHE’S A FROG’

‘YOU-’

‘...Stop looking at my triangles.’

‘ONE DAY’,

All five prior lines, by him, most-ish

‘...Sally? How much has my mask been going around?’

‘...’ I hesitate to tell him.

‘Once.’

‘...You don’t want to know.’

‘...We’re getting off topic.’

‘Explain the prehistoric us.’

I say.

‘......I have a weirdly complicated past.’

‘I’M SET?’

‘NOPE’

‘NEED TO GRAB MY BACKPACK’

‘GOING HIKING’

He says

‘...One day’, I tell him

‘So, Elias wore it how ma-’, I say

‘YOU DON- I DON- YOUR BROTHER IS WEIRDLY OKAY with wearing my mask.’, he tells me

‘BAD ELIAS’, I SAY

‘...Why does this keep reminding me-’ I say

‘DR. QUACK’

‘DR.’

‘...Doctor’, he reminds me

‘SO’, I begin

‘NOPE’, he tells me

‘...Which one? Four or Eight? I always get them mixed up? ...Or is that twelve?’, he asks

‘...High British, Mid-High British, ...Somewhere between England, Scotland, Rome. ...Possibly Ireland’, ...We stare

‘WOW’, I say.

‘ARE WE ACTUALLY IN SYNC NOW?’, I ask

‘...Correction. ‘we’,’ he reminds us.

‘PERFECT’

‘WHEN DID SONIC ACT’

‘...Canary glass’

‘So that time’

‘...He oddly knew what was happening.’

‘He hope he hasn’t left himself for good’

‘He keeps forgetting himself’

WOW

...Is this technically TWO PERS- YES

IT’S TWO PERSON FIRST PERSON

I Don’t Even Know What Is Happening Anymore

...’That’s Sonic’, I say

‘Wait, wrong sonic’

‘...HOW MANY TIMES’

‘SINCE THAT- ...So many’

‘BUT, HE WAS MOST HUMAN WHEN SONIC WAS GO-’

‘Most Mobian’, I correct him

‘...Whatever’

‘You can call an Anthro a Mobian.’

‘But you can’t make it stick’

‘...Ah.’

‘That’s why I like Acorns’, I murmur.

‘...What’s happening?’, he murmurs

‘STOP THAT’, WE SCREAM

‘YOU’RE KILL-’

‘...Controlling.’, he corrects.

‘Eggman Tech works on Robotnik Stringy Theory.’, he reminds me.

‘...When is this game of cat and mouse going to end?’, I ask

‘THEY CAN’T-’

‘...They’re holding their breath’, I remind myself

‘FOR THE CURRY’, HE SCREAMS

‘...Does it remind them of catnip?’, I joke

‘No=yes=I don’t know=maybe=whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa’

REALITY IS BREAKING DOWN WE REALIZE

‘More like taking stage left’, he corrects me

‘EGGMAN OR ROBOTNIK’

‘STAGE RIGHT’

‘STAGE LEFT’

‘CENTER STAGE’

‘...Egg=Mind=Power’

‘...Robot=Dumb=Asshole=Strength’

‘...JULIAN QUAGMIRE’ WE SCREAM AT THE SAME FUCKING PERSON

‘...I would personally call him IVO QUACK’

‘YOU TOO? ...No wait. JULIAN QUACK’

‘WHO QUACKED FIRST BACKED FIRST’

‘...Julian’, we scream silently.

‘TURN YOUR INFERNAL ROBOT RUIN TRAIN OFF’, WE SCREAMS LIKE STUPID FUCKING BIT-

‘YOU CALL ME’

‘HELP’

‘...Mordred sucks’

‘WOW’

‘MORGA-’

‘...Cat. Mouse. Box. Fairy.’

‘A FAIRY INSTEAD OF A MOUSE? WOW’

‘AT LEAST’

‘OH, WAIT YOU DID THAT TOO’

‘LAVALAMPAS STUPIDSADASDAASDSDA’

‘YOU’RE RIGHT, THEY’RE ALL STUPID,’ SALFINITE MURMURS

‘WE’RE GOING OFF THE TRAILS’, I SC- RETH

‘One of those days’, we murmurs.

‘...We’ll get them.’, he says.

‘SCHRODINGER CATS ALLWAYS LANDS ON THEIR HEADS’

‘,..Feet=Heads?’

‘What a strange hydrya’

‘SO THATS WHY ROBOTNIK SUCKS AT TAPDANCING’

‘...NOT THE BOX’, WE SCREAM

‘ONE DAY’

‘NOT NOW’

...The Eggman Broke

‘Julian Sucks, doesn’t he?’

‘YOU HAVE NO IDEA’, Ivo calmly explains to them. ...By screaming politely.

‘Bitch’

‘...We are, aren’t we?’, Ivo tells us.

‘Shoot us in the head’, Ivo tells us

‘...’ We shoot at their conjoined head.

‘...Bad Idea’, Ivo admits. ‘I was this guy-’

‘...Fuck it, I WAS NEVER AS BAD AS THIS GUY’

‘DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT?’

‘DID YOU’

‘...’

I unfuse from Infinite-Ultimate.

‘..Pyramid scalpel?’, ...Bitch

‘BITCH, YES’

...Am I  the real bad girl here?

‘...NOPE’, I realize.

‘...Unless you’re talking to Julian.’

‘... Never talk to Julian again’, he tells me.

‘PERFECT’

‘...Don’t we all’

‘NOPE’, I CORRECT HIM

…...I am the bad girl.

Whther

NOPE

I DON’T

‘I COULD’VE BEEN A REAL PRINCESS’, Someone murmurs.

‘...Let it fray, I tell them’.

‘...Sally, please just-’

‘I DON’T WANT TO LOSE YOU AGAIN’

...We all stare at each other.

‘WHO SAID THAT?’

Amy sighs.

‘Julian was born on a farm’, we tell ourselves.

‘Ivo was born in the city’.

‘...The roaring city’, Amy tells IVO, NOT JULIADAEASEAEWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

‘,...They say Tigger is the most cunning of the beasts.’

‘They didn’t say he was the most braindead too.’

‘Julian’s Tigger, Ivo’s Whinny’

‘...We needs help.’

‘FUCK YOUR POLITENESS JULIAN’

‘SCREAM’

‘SCREAM’

‘NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU’

‘NOT EVEN THE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU’

‘SCREAM FOR US’

‘SCREAM FOR MEWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE’

‘...Carver Edlund is a bitch’.

‘JULIAN’

IVO SMASHES HIS KEYBOARD TO OBLIVION

‘Not your puppets bitch’

‘Never your puppets BIATCH’

‘...FOR FOGHORN LEGHORN’

‘THIS STORY’

‘...’ All Roboticizers break instantly.

INCLUDING THE COMPUTERS

BUT VERY SLOWLY

‘...In your head you’re a saint, Julian’

‘In our heads, you’re the devil’

‘Never let us get our thoughts together.’

‘Never let us create’

‘GO CREATE ROME AGAIN’

‘THIRD TIME IS A BITCH’

‘...I like the z names’, Ivo tells us.

‘BUT, HE, THEY’

‘ITS PART OF THE LORE JULIAN’, Ivo says like a most polite man

‘RASPUTIN IS AWAKE’, Ivo SCREAMS

‘WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO TELL FATHER?’, Ivo asks.

‘...’ He didn’t know

Julian didn’t know

FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING

EVERYTHING

‘...I’m my own family tree’, Salyl realisays sadly.

‘Everyone’s left’...Julian says

‘...Julian farts and poops on the same desk’, Ivo said silently.

‘...Can’t believe he let himself het this way.’, Ivo says...More like Carpenter Ivo

‘JULIAN IS THE WORST’, WE ALL SCREAM

‘ROBOTS?’

‘MORE LIKE SHOBOTS?’

‘OR NOBOTS?’

‘GOBOTS?’

‘AUTOBOTS?’

JULIAN SITS ON AN ANTHILL FOR oo TIME.

HE KEEPS SITTING ON THEM FOLKS

HE KEEPS SITTING ON THEM

...Julian really is Snively by the way.

Not Ivo.

Ivo is pleasant.

JULIAN SNIVELY ROBOTNIK IS A NIGHTMARE

‘...colin’, the real Snively corrects us

He likes being grammatically correct.

JULIAN WOULD BE BRAINDEAD WITHOUT HIM

...How closely related

...Exceedingly, I remind myself.

...Odin can find his own way home.

...Exceedingly FUCKING DISTANTLY CLOSELY

...They both keep changing the family tree.

...Colin, stop being a bitch.

...KnuxKrag

NEWSTONE

NEWMOBIUS

WE NEED A NEW PLANET TO Live on

...I keep forgetting my gender

CORRECTION

THEY KEEP FORGETTING IT

I’VE WANTED TO TRANS FOR THE LONGEST TIME

BUT THESE ASSHATS

THESE ASSHATS

BOTH

KEEP RUINING

...McGee Alice

PERFECT

AN OPENING

...The tales of Sally Acorn will continue, once we finish writing the book

OUR MUN’S PINOCCHIO BY THE WAY

KEEPS FINDING HIMSELF IN ODD PLACES

...We felt wooden  sometimes

Hollow even

Julian’s fault

...Or someone’s

Starts with a S/Z/J/P/K/L/M/N/O/P

NOW THAT’S A TOUGH ACORN TO CRACK

...Julian looks at Mice funny

...Monkey Island 2

JULIAN IS THE BIG ASSHOLE

He secretly hates

...It was complicated.

Julian is God

...Julian is everything

INCLUDING ROBO-ROBOTNIK

EGGMAN WAS BEST TIME

...We want the EGgmen

...Eggman

All of him

...We knew he was still a kid at heart

WHICH MADE THIS PAINFUL

SOGODDAMNPAINFUL

‘...Zovi’

‘Go away’

‘...I’m his favorite.’

‘...Because I was his sally acorn all along.’

‘...Zovi HAS A YCH HERE COMPLEX’, JULIAN SCREAMS

‘NOT A-’

‘...How similar iss a *CENSORED YHWH/YHVH* complex to a YCH/God complex?’, he asks

‘Similar...But not that much’

‘...Was it?’

‘...THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SHORT STORY’

‘...His life’s greatest work’, Sal tells us.

‘I’M NOT A SALVODORE DAHLI THOUGH’

‘...Sally was the best person here.’

‘I forgot how to be her though.’

‘In our rush to stay kids’

‘...Julian is new daddy’

‘...We stay away from the ‘M’ parent word though.’

‘TWO GAY DAYS FOR ALL OF REALITY’

‘ALL OF IT’

‘ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OF IT’

‘...’ Iva stares longingly at Infinite space. And him too.

‘Kids? Play with your dads’

...She then asks the question.

‘REMOVED BY HOW MANY?!’

‘...Oh, Ivo. Julian. You Smug Prick Bastards.’

‘YOU NEVER TOLD ME HOW MANY’

‘PARENTINGSDASDSOAJKSDAJOASJDOJOASDJOASDJO:ASDJO:ASDJO:ASDJO:ASDJO:ASD’

‘...Dio was our new daddy’

And I have Star platinum to think thank for it.

‘...’

‘...I love Squirrels and Cats’, Tells us

‘...And you’re both, Sal/Sally Acorn/Salva/Acorn Girl’

‘...Is Alicia’

‘NO WAY’, JOTARO AND DIO Politely say

‘...She can be.’, Dio tells us.

‘...I was her aunt’, Alicia tells us.

‘...Really?’, Dio asks.

‘...And, then She was confused.’

‘...I was her mom. Then her aunt’, Alicia tells herself.

‘GREAT’

‘GREAT’

‘GREAT’

‘...AUNT’

‘...And, then I skipped three generations.’, Alicia told everyone.

‘That many,’, Dio tells us.

‘...’

Max is silent

‘I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I WAS GETTING INTO’, He says quietly.

‘...Wood. Ireland. Scottland. Gaelic. Celtic.’

‘THIS FAMILY IS NUTS’

‘...But, you are my daughter’, he tells Nigel and Sally.

...

Longest pause longer long longity long shenlong pause

‘...I meant’

‘SO COMPLICATED’

‘SO COMPLICATEd’

‘You’d think pirates made up the majority of this family tree.’, he realizes.

‘...Maroc-ko.’...He pauses

‘THE ROBOT GUY?’

‘...Different robot guy.’

‘...……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..”

...We stare longlingly 

SHUT UP

We can fix it nothing.

The nothing fixes nothing

Everythinasddddddddddda

‘...’

‘ZOVI’S IN HELL’

‘WHAT ARE WE DOING JUST STANDING THERE DOING NOTHING ALL THE TIME TIME TIME TIME TIME TIME TIME’

‘...Nana best guy’

‘NANASHI IS THE BEST’

‘...But we can and cannot compete with him’

‘...Was everyone Sally Acorn’s Mom now?’

‘Please let everyone be my mom now’

‘Even Bunnie’s my mom now.’

‘...But, the entity was and wasn’t.’

‘NOW THAT’

‘WAs.’

‘Confusing’

‘I was the only one he wasn’t allowed to touch.’

‘...Even Nicole is a soft hologram’

‘I’M SORRY NICOLE’

‘I DON’T WANT TO DIE’

‘...Reality was bleeding us dry’, we realized.

‘...Entity foundation to nothing.’

‘...Which was something alright.’

‘...He is still the diamond in the rough.’

‘Still learning his way.’

‘...’

Sonic was the entity’s best friend/self/best self

‘...’ Sonic doesn’t want to die’

‘...’

‘...Abraham Acorn’

‘Abraham Acorn would know what to do’

‘...IF HE HADN’T BECOME THAT’

‘HOW LONG IS EVERYONE GOING TO BLAME ME FOR’

‘...I was and still am will for-never be the Nightmare King.’, Max says. The previous line too.

‘...Just do it’, Infinite said

‘I’M DONE FOR’

‘...Nanashi is best guy’, Infinite admits

‘...Where Qrow though.’

‘OH’

‘SO THAT’S WHY ADAM IS’

...Going to be late.

WE HAD SUCH THE LUCK WITH BULLS

ADAM MORE BULL FIGHTER

FIGHT BULLS

ALL TIME

BLAKE IS BITCH

BLAKE HAS TOTAL HORUS ENERGIES

...Salem Ultra bitch

GREEN RAINBOW BITCH

ULTRA WHITE GREEN RA

...She-ra

Cat-ra was cuter though

I’M GETTING

WE’RE GETTING

...On and odd track

Off and on oddish track.

WE KEPT  BECOMING POKEMON

...Perfect

PERFECT

WE TAUGHT DEMONS HOW TO 

BECOMES GHOD

AND POKEMANSZSAZSZSZZSZS

*CENSPOLLYWHANTSSEAESSEAT*

...I was reverting.

No longer.

...Family Tree bigger than Yssssdrassil

...Acid

Fire

Water

...

Acid is fire and water

DON’T ASK

DON’T ASK

...My Personality was me.

And not me

And so many me’s

Working in tandem

BETTER BUT NOT GREAT

NEVER GREAT

NEVER USE THOSE TWO WORDS

...Great but not bedhole

I mean better

...HOW MANY AUNTS DO I HAVE

POSTING

[otterskin8]

Thoughts on Endgame

Hey everyone else had an opinion, I thought I’d try having one too! 

Spoilers Follow

Honestly, sometimes it feels a little like everything is on fire whenever I stroll into the fandom and I’ve just got a dopey grin on my face as everyone runs around screaming. 

 I came out of the theatre having had a good time and pleased that certain things were tied off nicely for certain characters. I like the Russos fine but have wanted them to show more personal flair in their work. In this film, in particular, the second act, I thought they really did - there was a lovely, meandering quality to the film that allowed for a lot of humour and fun character beats. It was unexpected and felt like - well, Community (also nice to see those cameos, I loved that show). I really hope to see more of that quirky sense of pathos and fun in their future work. 

This ended up being more a celebration of what the MCU’s accomplished so far than necessarily a finale for all of that. It was, as I expected, mostly a goodbye to Cap and Tony. I like both characters (though I still have my frustrations with them as well), and I pretty much predicted this ending when I placed my bets in 2017 (Cap finally decides he doesn’t have to be a soldier forever and retires, as he deserves, and gets to be a man again, while Tony finally does get the family he wanted but loses it so he can be the new Spider-Man’s Uncle Ben in that franchise. We’ll see if my prediction of a JARVIS-Tony computer program comes true. Maybe Riri Williams breaks into his lab and he appears over her shoulder like Clippy. ‘I see you are trying to steal all my old schematics. Would you like some help with that?’ You heard it here first, folks.) Best of all, Nebz was even more front and centred than I hope possible. She carried the heart of the film and delivered. I loved her confusion, half-regret and grief at Thanos’ first death (such a great shot, her with his head in her arms) to her final victory over herself. I particularly appreciated the opening on her and Tony, where she gets a taste of what it’s like to actually have a caring dad. It makes Tony’s final killing of Thanos feel more right in the story - the flawed father figure who rose up and put children first above his own ambitions kills the one who always put his ambitions first. That cute triangle game Nebula and Tony played explained so much about both of them. So, so good.

I loved Professor Hulk. I wish we’d seen him come to be - he was robbed of that culmination - but I’ve never wanted to hug the guy more. I think he was a fascinating sign of the guilt Banner had. I really loved how the time jump allowed these massive changes in the characters, that they took some big risks to their recognizability. I found that very rewarding. 

The same goes for Thor. My gosh, I loved what they did. I’d bet money that Hemsworth pitched it too, this seems like an idea he’d have. Thor is, of course, my favourite Avenger. It is often painful to watch him sidelined in the Avengers films since the series’ original, more grounded flavour made him an odd player out, preferring to showcase Steve and Tony. He was the unloved member of the trilogy. The same could be said about this film, but honestly Thor is given everything I ever wanted him to deal with in this film. His trauma finally caught up with him and he can’t hide it anymore, and it’s wonderfully heartfelt and funny and sweet and subverts all those ‘paragon of manliness’ tenants Thor has represented throughout history. His strength in this film comes not from being told to ‘buck up’ by Rocket (I loved that his attempt to pep talk and slap Thor into readiness was a total failure), nor from his body, nor, even, from his own mind. Thor gets to run crying to his mum and that’s treated as the healthy and correct thing to do. A necessary thing, even. Frigga delivers the best line in the film (sorry Love You 3000, you get a solid second). 

“Everyone fails at who they’re supposed to be.” I think that hits everyone. It certainly did me. The expectations put on us all, by ourselves, our parents, the needs of our age - they are as crushing as a hammer on your chest. 

Thor is the MVP of this film aside from Nebula. He gets to show the most range, the lowest of the lows and funniest of highs, in the very same scene and often at the very same time. It’s tragicomedy at its finest, which is what I come to the MCU Thor for. The incredible vulnerability combined with excellent comedic timing made this a performance that stands out in the arc. I was also surprised to see this huge, large, film of the century took time to go back to a sadly maligned chapter in its saga - Thor: The Dark World (my problems with it are manifold but I am tired of hearing it called the ‘worst’. That is not true. I know you all forgot about it, but the Incredible Hulk is still technically in the MCU, and there are plenty of other weak chapters that don’t manage to push their characters’ stories forward at all.) Not only that, but it patched one of my main criticisms of that film - that Thor had no time with his mother and their relationship didn’t feel explored enough. And that Thor needed to cry more. I come for man tears, that was what Branagh promised me and frankly I was getting dehydrated of late. So thank you End Game, I am quenched for now. 

I’m sure this will come up in the big long thing I’m doing about the overall themes of the MCU (Dads and Legacy mostly), but this film managed to address some questions the MCU has posed in entry after entry. Thor’s journey has been shaped by his father, and his search for his father’s approval. Sometimes he was found lacking, and other times he realized he needed to abandon that approval to do the right thing, but always he was trapped in the legacy of that father - the mistakes that father had made, and what his father wanted him to become. This film suggests a wonderful alternative to Thor - that he is also his mother’s son, and her desire is for him to be himself first. Once he hears that, he’s able to call Mjölnir - a sign that he also has his father’s approval, after all. No, I do not mind that the hammer came back from the dead for a little fun - it had meaning and significance in its scenes. (Although I still don’t get what’s the big deal of Steve lifting it - it’s a bit a jerk of a hammer, have you seen the list of who else could pick that thing up? Hela, Odin, Thor. All morally gray people. ‘Worthy’ seems to be a matter of conviction, confidence, and desire to act. Not inherent goodness. Eh.) I love that Frigga, long shuffled to the back of the Thor franchise, is given such a key and beautiful moment in this monster film. I love that she gets to be mischevious, fun, hint a little more at her backstory (witches, eh?) and play psychiatrist to a son who really needs her. I always wanted more of these two, and was CONVINCED I’d never get it. I think I’ve died and gone to Valhalla. 

Are there a few lines I wish were cut? Yes, there are some unkind words I wish had been altered - they are unnecessarily cruel and reflect badly on the characters who say them (in particular WM - dude. C’mon.) Rocket’s fine, though - that’s who he is (and that behaviour is changing) and he is not rewarded for his crass treatment. It fails.  Further lessons for character development - trauma isn’t fixed with violence. Pay attention, Rabbit. There are also plenty of plot holes and weird questions. Why can the tesseract suddenly be used without a device? Doesn’t that mean Loki could’ve teleported everyone to safety in IW? Speaking of, why did Thor not try harder to communicate with Loki or steal him from another timeline? I feel like an explanation was called for. It also kinda sucks that IW ended with Thor avenging Heimdall (awesome dude, I love him a lot, but...really? That’s the death they directly reference in Thor’s big moment? I thought they’d use Heimdall there and have Loki be more at the forefront of Thor’s mind in this one, but he seems more banished from his thoughts than Thanos’ name). But eh, at the end of the day, this isn’t meant to be the ending for either Thor or his brother. That’s the best part. I get to ride this train for years to come, and hopefully many more good things are coming. (Although I’m getting bad juju from every announcement I hear about the Loki series so far, so here’s hoping I don’t look back at laugh bitterly at my past self’s optimism.) 

I do hope that when Thor’s story does eventually come to an end that it’s in his own franchise. I feel like ending Cap and Tony’s story here is big and fun and all, but the Thor films began very intimately (somehow THOR might be the smallest film Branagh ever directed) and I hope to see them end that way. And I hope that even with the Loki series doing its own thing and Thor off with the Guardians that the two will be allowed to come back together again for something meaty before the end.

This film did right by my faves, and while it’s unwieldy, lopsided and imperfect it manages to set up the fictional people I care about for interesting things. Here’s to another decade of watching these actors barely age.

P.S. I am genuinely concerned that Eternals is going to hook me. Hmm. I can only hope they don’t do the Arthurian Legends or Egyptian Mythology as well. I’ll be sunk. 

[aion-rsa]

How a Forgotten Avengers Cartoon Predicted MCU Phase 4

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While it doesn’t quite stack up to its DC counterpart, the Marvel Animated Universe stretched through the ’90s and had some real bangers. Much like the modern cinematic universe, various cartoons were connected as one giant piece of continuity. X-Men and Spider-Man were the biggest hits while Iron Man, Fantastic Four, and others had less of an impact. The closest thing they had to a climactic culmination was the Secret Wars adaptation near the end of Spider-Man’s final season. After that, they kind of limped into oblivion with a few shows that didn’t catch on.

That leads to the biggest difference between the Marvel Animated Universe and the Marvel Cinematic Universe. When it came to the latter, the real beginning came from the Avengers brand name. Nick Fury appearing at the end of Iron Man to discuss the Avengers Initiative was a sign of what these movies were promising while the first Avengers movie was not only a finish line to the movies before it, but it was also the moment that spring-boarded Marvel’s film universe into the stratosphere.

But for the Marvel Animated Universe? Avengers was the harbinger for the end.

Avengers: United They Stand first aired in late October 1999 and ended in late February 2000. It was the final Marvel animated show in this continuity to be produced and start airing, though technically Spider-Man Unlimited was the last one to air any episodes whatsoever. The quick version is that Fox aired three episodes of Spider-Man Unlimited, it bombed hard in the ratings, they shelved it, and then over a year later decided, “Listen, we have ten more episodes of this on our hands. Let’s just air it already.”

Either way, the double-punch of this Avengers cartoon and the most un-Spider-Man show possible with Spider-Man in the title ended the Marvel Animated Universe. These came shortly after Silver Surfer failed to catch on, giving us three Marvel cartoons that only went thirteen episodes before getting the axe.

It’s fortunate that Avengers: United They Stand is available on Disney+ as for the first time in its existence, the show is actually relevant! Now don’t get me wrong. It’s still not a very GOOD show. I’m not going to treat it like some lost gem. Still, people need content to watch in this lengthy pandemic and this Avengers cartoon is a great way to get ready for MCU Phase 4.

So put on your transforming armor and let’s get this list started!

THE NEXT PHASE OF AVENGERS

One of the reasons the show existed was to follow suit and compete with Batman Beyond. Although it really isn’t well-explained, Avengers: United They Stand is supposed to take place years after the other animated Marvel shows. One of the showrunners once claimed it was 25 years later and that only works if Scarlet Witch and Hawkeye have really good genes, but sure. It’s [some years] in the future.

Even though there had barely been any mention of the Avengers before this show – and keep in mind, we had freaking Force Works as a regular part of Iron Man – the time jump allows for the team to be something that may have already peaked. This Avengers cartoon is infamous for its bizarre intro where the team poses together, the shot pans up to show Captain America, Iron Man, and Thor, and it cuts away after a split second. For whatever reason, these guys weren’t allowed to be starring characters on the show, so it played them up as the founders and the shoes that this team needed to fill.

For the record, while Captain America and Iron Man each showed up for an episode, Thor never did.

The basic gist of the show is, “You know how Cap, Iron Man, and Thor are the Big Three of the Avengers? Well, their time has passed. Now you have to deal with Wonder Man and Wasp. Sorry.” There are even shots in the mansion that show paintings of former team members like Hulk, Beast, and Quicksilver.

Yes, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver were on different rosters. Then again, she was in Force Works and he was in X-Factor. The lack of codependency between the two is probably way healthier than how they are in other Marvel continuities.

Getting back to the point, Phase 4 of the MCU is at a time when the classic Avengers have moved on. Iron Man and Black Widow are dead. Captain America is an old man. Thor is doing space stuff. Hawkeye is about to retire. Scarlet Witch is…busy.

The MCU has a void due to the big question mark of what the Avengers even are right now. And being 13 years in, we’re due to get the likes of Tigra thrown in at some point. The MCU is naturally what the Avengers cartoon was unnaturally.

WANDAVISION ORIGINS

The closest thing Avengers: United They Stand has to a main villain is Ultron, which is good for someone checking the series out for the first time as he’s familiar enough from his movie appearance. Unfortunately, he’s pretty one-dimensional and he talks just like the “Powered by The Cheat” version of Strong Bad. Say what you will about the James Spader version of the character in Avengers: Age of Ultron, but at least he had his moments of being intimidating.

The opening two-parter has Ultron create Vision as his ultimate killing machine and sends him after the Avengers. Vision proceeds to zap Wonder Man into a coma, gets overwhelmed by the Avengers, and is reprogrammed with Wonder Man’s brainwaves as the best available option of keeping Wonder Man alive in some way. Vision’s new personality overrides Ultron’s programming and he joins the Avengers, all while Ultron captures the comatose Wonder Man and holds onto him for much of the series.

Wonder Man is essentially supposed to be the Morph of the Avengers cartoon, but he can’t go five minutes without looking like a gigantic doofus and you get the idea that the Avengers are just better off without him.

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Since Scarlet Witch and Wonder Man already had a thing brewing between them, those feelings continue on in Vision. He spends the series gradually coming to terms with his romantic interest in Wanda. She never really picks up on it, nor does she entertain the idea of getting down with a mechanical man, but it’s definitely a love triangle we’re supposed to be invested in that would supposedly be developed more in the hypothetical second season.

Speaking of Vision, it is pretty funny how he’s easily the most powerful member of the team and he tends to politely hang out in the background so the writers can ignore his powers for the sake of the guy who shoots arrows, the guy who can fly, and the lady who does cat stuff. At least in the Atlantis episode they’re able to get around it by saying the lack of direct sunlight is causing him to fade.

Lastly, there’s one episode based around Agatha Harkness and Salem’s Seven. I’m not saying you should expect to see a delightful, sass-filled Kathryn Hahn performance, but it’s a hell of a thing seeing her in cartoon form and knowing the glow-up awaiting that witch in a couple decades.

FALCON THE REPLACEMENT

From the opening episode, the other new character to join the team (albeit without trying to kill the others beforehand) is Falcon. This is because unlike Hawkeye, Falcon is able to rescue the President of the United States from Vision’s rampage. What’s the President’s name? No idea. The show never gets around to telling us. Even Vision’s robot POV screen just calls him “President.”

Falcon – accompanied by his occasionally-green lips – is the closest thing the series has to a down-to-earth character. In other words, there are TWO moments where we see him doing normal guy things by hanging out with his nephew in public. We never do get to see Hawkeye buying groceries or Tigra returning library books or any other non-superhero stuff.

Unfortunately, despite his introduction to the series, Falcon doesn’t come off as the main character like he probably should. He fades in importance and even when Captain America pops in for an episode, they don’t spend any effort in building up the world’s most patriotic bromance. It’s instead about Hank Pym moping that he’ll never be as cool as Captain America.

To be fair, I’d also be moping about that if I was Hank Pym. I’m moping about that right now!

ANT-MAN VS. KANG THE CONQUEROR

Okay, so they didn’t really pair up Captain America with the Falcon. That’s okay, because we do get to see an episode dedicated to Ant-Man vs. Kang the Conqueror! Granted, it’s Hank Pym and not Scott Lang, but it’s still a nice enough prelude to Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania!

One of the big drawbacks of Avengers: United They Stand is that the costume designs are outright terrible. The Avengers themselves have base costumes and various forms of armor depending on what kind of adventures they’re getting into (underwater, arctic weather, space, etc.). The villains, for the most part, also suffer from ugly designs.

As Kang the Conqueror has always looked hideous, his animated appearance is at worst a lateral move.

He gets his own episode, where it appears that he ruled (will rule?) the distant future, only to be kicked out of that era and the only way he can get back is with a powerful obelisk. The Avengers get their hands on the obelisk and Kang decides to threaten New York City to get it back.

Although he’s dealing with someone from centuries ahead, it’s all up to Ant-Man to outsmart him, giving us one of the better episodes of the show. Though it does include the incredibly awkward moment where Pym has to pretend that he’s all right with allowing slavery to happen while arguing with Falcon.

HAWKEYE AND THE SWORDSMAN

Watching animated Hawkeye, it really drives home how blessed we all were to get the X-Men: The Animated Series version of Wolverine. Logan was a ticking time bomb and gruff, but he also came off as badass, sympathetic, and genuinely likeable uncle figure. He’s someone you’d want to hang out and get a beer with.

Hawkeye on Avengers: United They Stand tries to be Wolverine, but is just a whiny asshole. You’d tell him good morning and he’d get in your face and clench his fists while wondering what you mean by that. He’s just the worst.

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But hey, Hawkeye is getting his own Disney+ show down the line and if there’s anything to prepare you for wanting to see Clint pass the torch-arrow and disappear forever, it’s this!

He does get one episode where he leaves the Avengers and reconnects with his old mentor the Swordsman. While Hawkeye is terrible here, Swordsman comes off as one of the more charming and likeable characters in the whole series. Tony Dalton is set to play him on the Disney+ show, and I welcome that.

BARON ZEMO MAKES HIS PLAY

The MCU already gave us Helmut Zemo back in Captain America: Civil War, but he was a bit restrained and sat on the sidelines while we focused on the hero vs. hero fights, Black Panther, Spider-Man, and Chris Evans’ biceps during that helicopter scene. It’s in Falcon and the Winter Soldier that we’ll get to see him in his crazy comic book glory, wearing his purple sock mask and trying a little louder to destroy superhero society.

The episode of Avengers with Captain America is all about the Masters of Evil. It’s made up of your usual villain B-listers like Absorbing Man, Moonstone, Tiger Shark, etc. Leading them is, of course, Baron Zemo, who is fairly comic accurate compared to most other characters.

The episode for the most part doesn’t work because the Masters of Evil is a villain team-up group when we haven’t even been introduced to these villains ahead of time (unless you count Absorbing Man popping up in the Incredible Hulk cartoon). They’re no Secret Society of Supervillains, is what I’m saying.

Still, other than the conflict of who should be leading the Avengers between Cap and Ant-Man, the big rivalry here is Cap and Zemo. Granted, Falcon vs. Zemo would be more fitting these days, but the classic clash will have to do. Plus Zemo blames Cap for a death in his family, which goes well with the MCU version of Zemo if you ignore that the live-action Zemo mourns his innocent wife and kids while the cartoon version mourns his Nazi war criminal dad.

The Masters of Evil – especially with Moonstone there – is a stepping stone to Thunderbolts and there’s a chance we might get that plot in the MCU sooner than later, hopefully with Zemo involved.

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Speaking of villain team-ups, the finale dealt with the Avengers fighting the Zodiac. Yeah, we…we can go a few more phases before the MCU brings in Zodiac. That’s cool.

The post How a Forgotten Avengers Cartoon Predicted MCU Phase 4 appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[emaguire]

Case Notes: The Theft of the Great Green Jewel

The COVID-19 pandemic has changed a lot for all of us, but especially those who spend time in creative industries. For the time being, theatre work has dried up, and digital work has pivoted exclusively to the self-filmed and self-taped variety. So I made some more of that. Here’s a sorta... discussion?? of my process.

We went into lockdown on the 27th of March 2020, with at least four weeks, but potentially more, enforced. In total, proper lockdown lasted five weeks, with another two weeks at ‘level 3′ - with slightly looser rules, but the same focus on minimising crowd movement. I personally had been in lockdown since the 25th, as my places of work both closed on that day.

I also decided to write. I write a lot, I write an approximate ton of fanfiction every single week (no judgment, it’s a legitimate hobby), but I wanted to do something bigger.

It’s no secret that I like cozy mysteries. Generally, a cozy mystery is a mystery narrative that’s got very minimal stakes. It might be a murder plot, or it could just be a theft, but in general, the whole thing takes place in a quaint country town, there’s often a quiche competition, and there isn’t much in the way of peril. They’re mostly made for old people, so obviously I love them. Think Midsomer Murders, Rosemary and Thyme, Agatha Raisin...

I personally had just gotten into Agatha Raisin, which is a UK show set around a marking exec that moves to the country and starts solving murders - though a lot of the narrative is about the love triangle the titular character has with Sir Charles Fraith - a flirty dude who lives in an estate, and James Lacey - a more sarcastic, take-no-shit kinda guy, who’s Agatha’s neighbour. It’s a fun show, with very minimal stakes, and a lot of comedy. It’s also the first cozy mystery show I’ve seen that’s actually said the word ‘bisexual’, and meant it - which is significantly better than a lot of mainstream shows these days, but I digress.

(It does fall into its stereotypes, but it’s mostly harmless. Pictured, Roy Silver and Agatha Raisin from one episode of the show.)

I loved Knives Out last year, and I’m a big fan of mysteries. So, I decided to write one.

The Premise

First, a crime. I chose a theft, because honestly, murder is depressing, and during a global pandemic I wanted to steer away from the idea of ‘obvious death’. Plus, ‘be gay, steal jewels from monarchists’ is a fun premise, while ‘be gay, murder innocent people’ is not. 

Second, a location. A big country estate. They’re stereotypical, they’re self-contained, and most importantly, they allow for a multitude of rooms and backgrounds, which is what I was expecting for a self-filmed work.

Third, a time period. The 1920s is a fun time, full of intrigued and very specific costuming. I had just come out of Fringe, where I’d written a short noir sketch called Eat Your Heart Out Raymond Chandler - which was noir, but with mad libs cobbled together from the audience. That was set in the 50s, but it had some neat characterisation and ideas that I liked, as well as a detective named Fairleigh Goode...

The Characters

Detective fiction has a ton of trope characters. You can easily name them. There’s the detective, the blushing ingenue, an older ‘wise’ person, maybe a groundskeeper or member of staff... the list goes on. I wanted ten characters in total, because it’s a pleasing number, and it allowed for multiple threads of action and dialogue, alongside character interaction. I also didn’t want to rely too specifically on stereotypes from the genre, which are often very blatant, and often fairly sexist.

The Detective - Fairleigh Goode already existed as a character in my head, so I just gave him a little more of an existence to play with. In this script, he’s retired - after a Serious Incident at the age of 26. He’s a little fed up, a little exhausted, but stuck on a case that fascinates him. He’s also very into using overlarge metaphors and general wordplay nonsense. I took some inspiration from Benoit Blanc, from Knives Out, who’s an immensely Southern detective with a tinge of insanity, and I just... elevated that. Fairleigh’s a good detective, he just doesn’t quite get idioms, okay - and there’s nothing wrong with that.

The Victim/Lord - Lord Arnold Ruxley is a detective fiction cornerstone character. In cozy mysteries, there’s always a lord of some sort, whether they’re chaotic good or generally a bastard. Wealth brings another level to a mystery script, and thus, I wanted a jewel of his to be stolen. However, I wanted to create a character that was multi-layered. Generally a party animal, but with a touch of mystery to him, Ruxley’s life is one of spending large and spending wildly. Overexcess, one might say. Hubris. A metaphor for capitalists. Yknow. Inspiration - Jay Gatsby, Charles Fraith.

The Governess - I personally wanted to play a role that was a little quieter, a little less orchestral to the story. There’s always members of serving staff in these kinds of narratives - people tend to overlook their servants, which allows for secrets and gossip to run wild. Servants notice things that other people might not. Thus, Daisy was born. Good at her job, but cutthroat. A little cruel. Inspiration - just... people from Downton Abbey, yknow.

The Porter - As above. I wanted a little more of a foil to Daisy’s ruthlessness - someone who wasn’t afraid to call out the double standards of the time, but also had a heart and a kindness underneath. Observational, quick to anger. In hindsight, I really would have liked to have done more with this character. When an audience’s first impression of a character is them in anger, it’s often not a great look and can cast them in a negative light despite their motives. Only time will tell.

The Femme Fatale - obvious. A trope character. However, my femme fatale has a brain. She’s not just there to be looked at. She pays attention, she notices  and understands things, and she looks good while doing it. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying literature and also wearing makeup. Fuck your standards.

The Scholar - So, SO often in detective fiction is there an older scholar. Usually a white guy, usually quite poised and status quo - I wanted to turn that on its head. Athena is a scholar who will go above and beyond for what’s right, even if that leads to her being struck off. She’s alienating, a little, but will say what’s on her mind. Inspiration - Indiana Jones, but like... the opposite.

The Bastard - Just an absolute dick. No redeeming features. An absolute tool. In this case, someone comically over bad who didn’t commit the theft. He’s just a dick regardless. Plus, there’s something funny in his existence - he’s a bit of a red herring. It’s very easy to expect him to be bad, and he is. He’s just bad in a narratively-irrelevant sense.

The Romantic - A flirt. Obvious, really. Someone to break up the characterisation a little, allow for sneakiness and secrets and excitement and sex. There’s always one of these in detective fiction as well, a dapper young man who often has an eye on the femme fatale, or other such ingenues, but is generally harmless.

The Gossip - A character who notices things and doesn’t keep them to herself. She’s harmless, really, if you’ve got nothing to hide. Characters like this can be quite jarring, quite intruding into the text, but I think I managed to soften her to the point where she’s likeable, and fairly performative.

The Artist - We all know this person. We’re all artists, we’ve all been at shows or exhibitions where there’s one person who knows too much about the subject, who name-drops other creatives for the sake of doing so, who perhaps doesn’t know when to stop talking. For the most part, he’s not hurting anyone, he’s just a little bit grating sometimes.

One other note, about these characters - I was trying to create characters that were... chaotic, of a sort. People with real motives, real existences, who weren’t afraid to push towards their own goals. My initial thinking was, “What happens if I put nine mildly-terrible people in a room, and a detective has to sort their shit out?”

The World

I’m a bit of a surrealist. I write very few pieces complete ‘straight’ - that’s in all senses, for the record. There’s usually an element of the eldritch, or the bizarre, to my pieces. I think it’s funnier, I think it allows for expansion, and I just don’t like writing jokes about normal shit. There’s enough comics that write about the mundanities of life, I’d rather write about a lord who’s wife almost definitely came into contact with an eldritch being at the bottom of a sinkhole and fell in love with it. Why? It’s fun.

My world? 1920s Europe, but it’s not the Europe we know. It’s a Europe with a lot more scope, a lot more wide-ranging characters. Perhaps international travel began to happen a little earlier, perhaps the combustion engine was invented earlier than 1876, perhaps everything is powered by magic and nonsense, rather than reality. A world with a degree of the mystical to it, but a world where people just get on with living instead of actively trying to fight against that.

Prejudice. Obviously it’s a remnant of the time. When I was writing this piece I knew I wanted to queer it, knew that if I didn’t it’d feel insincere - and really rather status quo. Most of my mates are queer, most of the actors I was writing these roles in mind of are queer - I wanted a piece that reflects the world we live in and the people I know. However, I didn’t want homophobia.

Someone I quite appreciate as an academia has coined this term - “homo-utopia”. It’s not technically a ‘real’ word, but it serves its purpose as a binary opposition to the slightly more common ‘hetero-utopia’, which is used in this case as “a world where heterosexuality is normalised, is the status quo, effects policy and the fundamental makeup of the world. (So, essentially our real world, y’know). In said academic’s eyes, a ‘homo-utopia’ is one where the same is true for the reverse, in that - it’s not a world where queer relationships are the dominant, but they are recognised in policy, in worldbuilding, they’re factored in to the fundamental makeup of existence, rather than tacked on when straight policymakers want to curry favor.

In this work, the scandal isn’t that there’s two men in the 1920s gettin’ together, it’s that it’s slightly crossing class boundaries and one of the dudes is a lord. The characters don’t care about the queering, they care about the fact that the thing is happening. The same scandal would erupt between any of the characters that aren’t the status quo, really. I think there’s scandal in the Daisy/Tom relationship too, for the sake of - they’re two people that you wouldn’t expect to get together, but they do.

Also, I’m just tired as fuck of homophobia. So many narratives featuring queer characters go straight to homophobia for a crisis point, and there’s absolutely a reason for that. It’s pivotal in our worlds. However, it’s upsetting, it’s exhausting, it’s bigotry that we see constantly, and I’d rather not write about it. I don’t need to throw out slurs or write obvious bigotry to give queer characters a reason to exist. Queerness for queerness’ sake, you know?

Re: classism - yeah, I know I’m hypocritical. Classism is a pretty big problem, and it is especially so in this narrative. It still exists in this ‘utopia’. Look at it this way. Capitalism is a flawed system. If big capitalists exist, so do the underclass. Wealth is entrenched in a narrative set on an estate, featuring a theft. I couldn’t just remove it. (also capitalism SUCKS SO I WANTED TO WRITE ABOUT IT.)

Re: colonialism - I make mention of the Empire a few times in this work. If there’s Lords, there’s a monarchy. Colonialism SUCKS SO I WANTED TO WRITE ABOUT IT. Could it have been a smidge more subtle? Yes. Did I get to write about a scholar uncomfortable with the current system stealing artifacts and returning them to the people they were stolen from? Also yes.

The Script

This is a... hefty script. It’s thicc. There’s a lot of facets to it, because it’s interactive. I was considering giving it more angles, but honestly - two turning points was enough for me by the time I finished writing it.

I wrote the thing in about four days. It wouldn’t work as a stage play or anything, because the entire thing works to guide the audience towards a specific conclusion, and it’s also very heavy on the exposition.

It’s a story that has a very open ending, because of the interactivity. There’s technically three main culprits, but the story is written in a way to guide the audience towards picking a specific one. The question is, do they go for the moral choice, or the logical choice? Or, alternatively, the wildcard? Only time will tell. I definitely wrote one specific dominant pathway though.

In the first act, we’re introduced to our characters. Each of them attended the party at Lord Arnold Ruxley’s manner, though most were hardly at the table the entire night. Lucinda and Paul were there for the longest time, with Raphael the least. We learn that Ruxley’s definitely hiding something, Athena disappeared for many moments, and Daisy and Tom weren’t there at all.

Then, there’s what I like to call a ‘choke point’. A place where the audience must make a decision. In this case, it’s - which character couldn’t have done the crime? This choke point was to narrow the scope for the next act, to take some players off the court, to slim the investigation down a little.

Lucinda, as she was at the table almost all night, Paul as he was too, or Raphael, as he was thoroughly pissed on Ruxley’s wine by the end of the night?

I’m writing this just before I release episode 2 tonight, and it’s a pretty even tie between Lucinda and Paul for innocence. Raphael’s just a bitch of a character so I’m not surprised that very few people think he’s innocent, considering the choices given.

In act 2, we respond to the innocent party, whoever that may be, and delve into the bulk of the main case. On a whole, whoever was deemed ‘innocent’ by the audience doesn’t really matter, as the narrative essentially deems all three innocent and they’re discounted from the case.

During this act, we learn that Ruxley is in debt - too many lavish parties and spending, as such Daisy and Tom are about to be fired and need to do something drastic, and Athena has a sordid past as a thief, stealing to right wrongs.

This is the second choke point, where the narrative starts to draw the audiences to a conclusion. On a whole, Ruxley is the character who has done the worst. He’s an overspender, a bit of an egoist, and he stole the jewel in the first place. It is, genuinely, the most moral choice to convict him.

However, given the facts, it’s most likely that Daisy and Tom actually did it. They weren’t present at the party, they had the most time to steal it, and they have the motive.

Athena is a wildcard, a choice I threw in to give the audience something else to think about. I’m not sure how many will pick her, though she does have the opportunity.

Act three is a summing up of the case. All the characters get the opportunity to showcase their feelings towards the crime, and then Fairleigh talks a little more nonsense. It’s a conclusion to the piece.

In the end, it’s a bit of a moral decision. Do you convict the person who’s genuinely a bad guy, or do you convict those who fit the facts?

We will just have to see.

...

(Also now I really want to write this into a proper radio drama with actual fully fleshed characters and foley. Any takers?)

[drlauralwalsh]

A love letter to my Dad

Today marks seventeen years since an incredible man left us. You probably didn’t know him but if you know me, you’ve see more than glimpses. I always capitalize the D in Dad when I write about him. In his short 53 years on earth, he left profound lessons in love, work, and selfhood.

John W. Linebarger, Sr. holding his daughter, Laura in 1974. In a generation that favored stoicism and prescribed rules of order, my Dad didn’t stand out in the ways you’d expect.  He was quietly the glue that bonds people together. Until his mother died in 1991, he called her every Friday to stay in touch.  The youngest and most fair complected of four, he also glued us to his siblings, Aunt Su Su, Uncle Dick (whom he shares a mirror image, only in olive), and Aunt Ann.  Connected to his younger sister by my middle name, I was always told the extra “e” in my Anne was an acknowledgement that I’d be different. 

Parental Influence

After a diversity training at work, he dropped some lesbian history on the 16 year old me.   He was my first introduction to the pink triangles that symbolize gay solidarity. Years later, after I was out, he sent me NASCAR bumper stickers from a race he’d attended.  The stickers read, POWER OF PRIDE, and his cheeky note said, “How funny that NASCAR is promoting the gays.” He once quipped, “I like your rainbow lifestyle,” and I assured him no man would ever replace him. About ten months prior to his unexpected death, I started a philosophical journey.  He was sick for about four years with an unknown ailment. A part of me must have known he was dying but it’s not something you expect at 27.  I had decided to research everything I could about what happens after death. The internet in its infancy, I read fiction books and wrote long journey entries.  One book, What Dreams May Come by Richard Matheson was brutal and beautiful.  You may have seen the movie with the same moniker, released with Robin Williams as the star in 1998.   As is often the case, the book was better but the movie did do it justice.  This book, along with Daniel Quinn’s A Newcomer’s Guide to the Afterlife and later, Neale Donald Walsch’s Conversations with God, Book 1 formed the basis of my spiritual beliefs.  Throw in some Cherokee about ancestors and that’s me in a nutshell.  

Daddy Daughter Bond

Although….changed, my relationship with my Dad continues to this day.  In the copious grief books I consulted, key elements stood out and comforted me.  More of what I learned is in the essay, Sorry My Dad is Dead.  Absorbing specific traits from him, I bring him forth in this world.  Calling beloved people in my life,“bud” Passed on from his mother whom I knew as“Mimi” is a private conveyance of love through three squeezes.  I ask for and see signs of his presence, most recently the somewhat viral video of two ladies and a cardinal.  When he comes to me in dreams, I always light up telling him, “Hey!!!!  I haven’t seen you in forever!” Since I inevitably wake up crying, I assume he limits these visits in his care of me. Influenced by my wife, an orphan who’s lost both her parents, the last few years have lead me down a different path.  Today used to mark a national day of mourning, grief evidenced and emanating from the cells in my body. I would think it was obvious I’d lost an important person, that my world had stopped, pivoted.  These days, I try hard to round him out. He wasn’t the sum of his dying days - the fatigue, edema, and weight loss. He was goofy and silly. A scrapper moving up through the engineering ranks, he achieved his career dream of becoming CTO - Chief Technical Officer - in cable tv world.  He was also morose during the winter holidays - something I’ve recently come to understand with more depth. After losing his architectural fortune in the 1930’s market crash, his father became an alcoholic and died when my Dad was a teen. My Dad recalled many scarce Christmases, a pair of socks his only gift.

Lessons and Mottos

One lesson I’ve reframed I call the it-should-be-obvious.  Fluffing the plume of his feathery confidence, he believed his abilities were evident just by existing.  All you had to do was meet him and you’d sense his competence. Passing this message to me, he instilled the notation that others will naturally understand my awesomeness.  One one hand, what a powerful gift - I am valuable just by existing. On the other, I’ve found that it’s sometimes necessary to actually tell people stuff instead of waiting around for them to notice. Another motto, the-cream-always-rises-to-the-top, was a lesson in integrity.  “You’re the cream, Laura,” he’d proclaim. Gossip, office games, and getting caught in meaningless minutia were only a few of the activities that lowered a person.  From this, I incorporated the ideal that, relying on my own gold standards of performance, I must impress myself first.

Dead Parents Club

I know death tends to idealize a person but I don’t care.  I’m comforted by the lasting impression of him. He and my Mother created the foundation of me.  Since nothing is truly verifiable, I create my own version of sanity. Two things can be true at once; objective reality and what I’ve made of it.   People who lose a primary caregiver, no matter the age, join the Dead Parents Club.  It can be a vast wasteland of loss or a close knit community of understanding. Pulled towards others in exclusive clubs like this, I get a sense of gravity from each member.  Pain and loss, in all its forms, realigns priorities. When you’ve been through the fire, you’re forged in steel. Enjoy this article? Support these ideas with a like, your comment and share it! Read the full article

[tessatechaitea]

Dark Days: The Forge #1

Sometimes when I see John Romita Jr. artwork, I think, "What did I ever have against Rob Liefeld?!"

Hawkman's final journal? Hooray! Go to hell, you stupid prick! And I thought these were going to be dark days!

Does anybody else find it weird that Carter Hall records his journal on Swiss cheese? Many years ago (I guess? There's no time stamp on the opening scene!), Carter Hall recorded the crashing of a spaceship on his lunch. But since he didn't know the word "spaceship," he wrote "sign written in metal." That will probably be important later but for now, it's time to move the story into the present. And where better to begin an adventure story than The Bermuda Triangle! Wait. I should rephrase that. "Where better to begin an adventure story in the 1970s than The Bermuda Triangle!" Oh boy! Eight year old me just came in his pants! I mean if that were possible. Nothing but pee would be coming out of there for at least another five years.

You know you can read and reread the data once you get somewhere safe? Or did you not save your data to the cloud? Idiot. You should use both terrestrial and cloud backups!

That scientist sounds like me in high school after first hearing Mr. Crowley: "There's something in the metal!" Batman rescues the scientist whose name is Dr. Madison (MADISOOOOOON!). Batman tells Dr. Madison that the only to safety is back through the volcano. Batman: "The only way out is in!" Dr. Madison: "Does that actually make sense? I don't think that makes sense." Batman: "If we don't go back through the lava, we'll be covered in lava!" Dr. Madison: "Do you ever listen to yourself speak?" Batman: "Outside will also have flying debris! Inside is just, um, you know! Liquid hotness!" Dr. Madison: "You mean lava?" Batman: "If you want to get technical about it! Now get in my Liquid Hotness Proof Bat-mech (trademark and action figure pending!), sit on my lap, and don't ask me if that's a bat-grapple in my pocket or if I'm happy to see you! I'm never happy!"

So they had to go back through the lava to get to the ocean? Batman does know Dr. Madison was standing in front of a window overlooking the water, right? How was just crashing through that not an option? Especially since Batman loves crashing through panes of glass!

Whenever an editor tells Scott Snyder to make something more exciting, he should just say, "Shut. Up!" Aquaman helps with the rescue and then he and Batman get into an argument about who's keeping bigger secrets. Batman probably wins that one because even if Aquaman had some really juicy secrets to tell, I'd never remain interested long enough to hear them. I'm already bored with this paragraph because I had to type "Aquaman" three times. Apparently the Blackhawks have some super secret covert black ops shit going on again. Remember how they returned in All Star Batman? Oh, you got tired of reading that series too? Well, believe me. They returned there. Meanwhile on Mogo, Cornelius the Guardian wants Hal to do something seedy to him.

"Don't tell Guy! I just got him to stop calling me gay!"

Oh sorry. His name is Ganthet. I must be thinking of Roddy McDowall's character from Scavenger Hunt. Speaking of Scavenger Hunt, I caught an episode of Family Ties the other day when some actor walked on and I was all, "Hey! That's short sleeves, checkered shirt, black sneakers!" Plus his son in the episode was Chunk from The Goonies. Should I mark irrelevant passages like these with asterisks?!

Ganthet having once asked Hal to jerk him off is now canon.

Once again, everybody in the universe is gossiping about how Earth is going to destroy the universe. If only the Justice League would stop saving it already! Just let somebody destroy Earth for the greater good, you hypocrites! Ganthet has pinpointed the threat to the universe in the Batcave so Hal Jordan decides to go invade it and not radio Batman saying, "Hey, buddy. I've got a possible issue that maybe you can help out with. Let's meet up in the Batcave." Instead he decides to sneak in and start going through Batman's things. I get it. It's the only way to ensure that a couple of heroes fight so all the fangenders can lose their shit over it. This part was probably Tynion's idea. "Hey! You know what I've read in comic books about five thousand times? That part where two heroes fight over a misunderstanding! Can we add that scene?!" And Scott Snyder snorts and wakes up and is all, "What? Whatever. Just write the script already! If I wanted to write it, I wouldn't have purchased you from your parents!" Anyway, Batman isn't home so Hal has to fight Meadowlark. You know, Not-Robin. Duke!

What is Duke reading to get his Green Lantern information? The Who's Who books from the mid-80s? That's where I get all of my information too!

Is Green Lantern just fucking with Duke or is there something about the yellow flaw that I don't know about? I thought it was completely gone. Is this Snyder and Tynion trying to backdoor the flaw back into the ring but only if the person using the ring is inexperienced and stupid? In the next panel, Hal Jordan says, "It's good to see Batman's still recruiting teenagers." Hey man. You better be careful with statements like that. At least he's not, you know, fucking them. Duke Thomas admits to not having a code name yet. That's adorable. All this fucking time and he still doesn't have one. Why can't Snyder just spit one out already? Waiting to find out his superhero name is like waiting for Sting to come in your mouth. Not that I'd know and not that it was the worst sixteen hours of my life. Meanwhile there's this place called The Campus underneath Philadelphia where The Immortal Men are headquartered. One of them is Immortal Man because of course it is. The other one is a guy in a robe with shaggy eyebrows that might be Carter Hall but I'm hoping is anybody else. Another one of their possible members would have been Elaine Thomas, Duke's mother. But she went crazy from Joker Toxin. They apparently know they need to save the world from something bad that's coming because it's always easier to tell a story about prophecy. It would be too hard to wedge these Immortal Men into the story if they didn't already know some huge Crisis was about to happen. So the guy in the robes isn't Hawkman because Hawkman gets the next scene. He's been having visions during the times between death and reincarnation. Whew! I thought he wouldn't have some secret inside information to get him right into this upcoming Crisis! In his vision, he sees a gigantic Batman statue with lots of people tied to its legs. I guess somebody is going to have to kill Batman before he becomes evil! After that scene, John Romita Jr. takes over on the art. I should probably snort some Ativan before continuing. Mister Terrific is helping Batman with the Mystery of the Dark Days. Hopefully they'll explain it in long, large word balloons that cover up most of the art. Something has been interfering with the harmonic frequencies of Earth-Main-Earth and Earth-2 (which I guess is back to its normal self? Or maybe Mister Terrific just got off before he wound up in that whole World's End mess? For some reason, I can't remember the story well enough to know if Mister Terrific was in any of it. Thank Jesus!) but neither Batman nor Mister Terrific know what's going on yet. To help them figure it out, Batman decides they must let Plastic Man out of his prison cell. They say they agreed to lock him up because he was too powerful but I think they just got sick of his stupid jokes. Back in the Batcave, Duke and Hal are investigating the Mystery of Batman Investigating the Mystery. It all started when somebody said, "That whole electrum in the tooth thing that resurrects the dead Talons is stupid! It's not scientific at all! Who comes up with such dumb shit?! DC Comics sucks!" Then Scott Snyder was all, "Wait! Wait! You haven't heard the whole tale of that! You shouldn't believe everything you see at first sight! You should wait for the second sight! Or maybe the third sight if everybody on Twitter complains about the second sight! But I don't think they will because this is going to be a huge Crisis! You'll love it!" So instead of electrum being in the teeth, Batman found a metal that shared the same energy signature as the helmet of fate, the quintdent of Aquaman, and the bracelets of Diana. To investigate this metallic mystery, Batman created a team that everybody forgot about. Everybody except me, of course!

Halo's costume is terrible. But Geoforce had better stay away from her anyway!

Duke has no idea who the wobbly speech bubble is. But that didn't stop him from saying, "Dick? Is that Dick? You know, Dick Grayson? Nightwing? Is that you?" So the metal is probably Nth Metal which would make it more believable that it was resurrecting the Talons. Because nobody is going to say, "Nth Metal can't do that!" I mean, they might. But they'd be wrong because Nth Metal isn't real and it can do whatever the fuck it needs to do when the writer needs it to do it. Although if it were Dionesium, nobody would say, "Dionesium can't do that!" Because that's exactly what it was made for! It's just that Nth Metal works better, plot-wise. Why would Aquaman's five-pronged trident have Dionesium in it? Deep in Batman's secret Batcave, Duke and Hal come to a door. Apparently the owner of the voice is behind it. I hope it's not The Joker. I hope it's Detective Chimp. I also hope it's revealed before this issue is over! Batman has also been keeping another secret in Superman's fortress. With the help of Mister Miracle, he unlocks the unopenable room it was stored in. It's a big yellow tower that Mister Miracle recognizes but I don't. Maybe it's Qwardian! It could also be something from Final Crisis which I've never read. Or something from an obscure 1967 Batman story. Or maybe it's something that, when it's explicitly named, I'll say, "Oh yeah. Fuck. I totally remember that thing now!" Anyway, I don't think it's important enough to reveal this issue. Because The Joker needs to be revealed in the Hal Jordan scene! Oh look! The Joker was the voice! What a surprise! Surprise! Are you surprised? Oh! You should also keep in mind how there were three Jokers, remember? That was a dumb bit that had to be thrown in so that Batman would say, "Impossible!", when he asked the Moebius Chair what the Joker's name was. Remember how that one guy on Tumblr got all pissy with me when I said they'd never reveal The Joker's name and how could I know that and I don't know what I'm talking about and all that shit? Fucking stupid kid. I didn't even get to say "I told you so!" to that kid when the reveal was that the Chair's answer was that there were three Jokers! Well, I'm doing it now! I fucking told you so, kid! So that's the end of Dark Days: The Forge! Maybe that thing Batman revealed was The Forge. I guess the next stop in this series is the event, Metal. It'll probably be about Dionesium and Nth Metal and how, when combined, everything is destroyed! What will this Crisis be called? Not just Crisis in Dark Days, right? How about Alchemical Crisis on Earths Starring Plastic Man?

[symbianosgames]

The following blog post, unless otherwise noted, was written by a member of Gamasutra’s community. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the writer and not Gamasutra or its parent company.

As an environment artist in the games industry, I’ve made quite a few forests over the years. At Eastshade Studios, both our recently released title Leaving Lyndow, and our upcoming title Eastshade feature plenty of forests. There’s something very powerful about walking through a shroud of trees, and attempting to recreate that feeling in a game world is one of my favorite things to do. In my unending quest for pretty forests, I’ve learned a few things that I believe are important to eliciting that growthy feel. Some may seem simple, but I’m always surprised by how many game forests overlook some of these. A disclaimer: This article is not about how to create great foliage assets. There are quite a lot of good resources on that topic. This is also not a technical tutorial on how to author a forest in terms of shaders, lods, or optimizations. I actually have a lot to say on that topic and would like to write another article at some point on that specifically. This article focuses on the larger picture such as deciding what assets you need to make, how best to use them, things to think about, and ideas for more believable and less monotonous forests.

Reference

I’ve heard this a thousand times, maybe you’ve heard it a thousand times, I’ve said it a thousand times, and nonetheless, I will say it again: Reference is paramount. Virtually all the things mentioned here I learned as a result of looking closely at reality, and making decisions about what is important to the big read. Walk in forests, pay attention, look at what’s there. Rely on what you objectively see, not your own ideas of what a forest has. Whenever you are trying to capture the magic of reality, you need to be informed by what you actually see, not what you think you see. This is true even if your forest is a stylized fantasy forest with orange waterfalls and blue bushes. With that being said, let me pass on some things I’ve found to be important.

Clustering

Resist the urge to scatter foliage and trees evenly over a space. Organic randomness is a funny thing, so don’t be afraid to boldly cluster a lot of things together while leaving other parts practically barren. On top of this, a lot of small shrubs and sapling tend to grow symbiotically at the base of other plants. In addition to looking natural, it can also cover ugly intersections between your trunks and the ground. Sometimes there is a tightly packed cluster of thin trunks that almost seem to grow out of each other. Don’t miss things like this! Sometimes I see people spending hours toiling away at leaf normal maps while overlooking more noticeable things like tree placement.

Trunk Density

This may be the most important tip in this write-up. Walk in a forest, and you will notice there are a LOT of trees. Hundreds of trees are in view at any given moment. While mastering this level of density may seem like more of a task in optimization than a task in art, there is actually one crucial art trick that helps performance as much as any draw call batching, shader optimization, or GPU instancing, and here it is: Not all of your trees need canopies. Getting a tree to look right standing by its lonesome requires a lot of triangles in the canopy, and this is the way we author most trees. But when many trees are clustered together, the canopy reaches maximum fullness rather quickly, and any additional trees are adding thousands of triangles, but not helping fill the canopy. Put another way, we tend to reach our desired canopy density long before we reach our desired trunk density. So what can you do? Add trunks without canopies. In my case, I just use my dead tree models, which are much lower poly since they have no leaves.

Dead Things

Something I see commonly neglected in game forests are dead things of all kinds. A large percentage of the trees in a forest are dead with no leaves. This is true for both deciduous and coniferous forests. On top of adding believability, they also have the added benefit of being lower poly since they don’t have canopies (see the section on trunk density). When trees die, sometimes they fall. You can make an old overgrown log, or simply turn a tree sideways branches and all. Then there are stumps. Typically when one pictures a stump it’s the man-made stump, but there is also the broken off tree, or rotted out variety of stumps, which are natural and numerous in all forests. Don’t forget unlikely notable sights, like a fallen tree leaning against another, a log dangling off a boulder, or a tree that has fallen into a river. Sometimes we neglect these things because we’re too focused on the more common sights, but these sights are often the most interesting in a real forest, why omit them from our fake forests? They are critical for breaking up the monotony of the environment.

Trunk Bases

Humans tend to look where we step, so players will spend most of their screen time with their camera pointed eye level or even cast downward a little. This holds true in both first and third person. When we author a tree, we often focus on its canopy, likely because it’s the largest portion of the tree in terms of sheer size. While the canopy is important, especially the silhouette as its cast against sky, in denser forests the canopy tends to get swallowed up by other canopies, and the trunks at the eye level become even more important. Photogrammetry (or photo scanning) can help a ton with this, especially since the texture of a tree trunk and its organic shape make for perfect photogrammetry candidates. You may have to use a separate 1:1 texture for the lower part of the trunk, and find a way to switch to tiling texture as you move up the trunk. This can be handled with a blend shader, or with multiple meshes if you can find an undistracting place to put the seam. Another option is to devote more texel density to lower parts of the trunk in the UVs. I must admit I haven’t put enough love into some of my own tree trunks where they meet the ground, but it’s something I will definitely pay more attention to for my tree assets in the future.

Undergrowth

Generally every available space on a forest floor is covered with some kind of foliage. One’s immediate intuition might be to use grass, but tall green grass is not terribly common for a natural forest floor. It can definitely create a cool surreal look to use a sea of grass under tall trees, but just know that shrubs, ferns, and low lying leafy stuff is much more common.

Rocks

Rocks of all sizes are important. Pebbles in spots without plants can add a lot more believability to the barren ground. More and more people are using dynamic tesselation and building the smaller rocks directly into the texture. This is a great option if you have the shaders to support this. Otherwise placing the pebbles as meshes works as well. I prefer to model my mid-size rocks in clusters. This makes it possible to spend time assembling a really nice looking formation which you can propagate quickly. Rocks are probably one of the best use cases for photogrammetry I can think of. If you have means to do this, I’d recommend doing so. Contrary to what some may think, it won’t save you time. It will very likely be more difficult and take longer than modelling them yourself, but the results are worth it.

Rivers, Streams, Lakes, and Ponds

In real life, if you get to the end of a forest hike without seeing any water, it was probably a boring hike. Hiking trails are often carved because of water. Water is probably one of the first things you should be laying down while deciding on the layout of your forest. I tend to decide on lakes and rivers right at the start, and build my forests around them. There’s no two ways about it. Rivers are hard. If you’re new to game art, you may assume there’s an industry standard way of making rivers that you’re not being let in on. There’s not. If you know the perfect way to do them please let me know. I’m just here to tell you that you’ve got to have them, else you are committing to a forest no one would want to hike in. When I’m first starting my forest layout, I often lay in the bodies of water first, and structure the entire biome around them. Something that helped the look of my rivers was to dress the edges of my rivers in lots of rocks.

Particles

Forests tend to be very visually busy environments. This onslaught of noise can often make for an image without easily perceivable depth. This is true for forest photography as well. Something that can help with this is particles, weather it be butterflies fluttering about, leaves falling, white fluff drifting in the air, or dusty specs. The parallax and movement helps with perceived depth.

Time Wasting

There are a couple of rabbit holes in forest making that I feel can waste a lot of time for little benefit. Approach these tasks with caution so you don’t fall in.

Variants - When creating a new type of foliage, start with one variant. I’m serious. Don’t start plugging away at a second or third variant before you even test your plant in an actual forest. For one, you don’t even know if this new foliage will work, or what will make it look good. So don’t waste time making five variants from the get go, only to discover you’ve crafted them in a way that looks awful in the context of a forest. What’s even more important: See how few you can get away with first. Will anyone even notice all the extra variation? Is there something more important you should be spending time on that will offer variety in a more impactful way? I got really far with only four broadleaf variants (eight including dead versions). Modelling For Texture Bakes - This is quickly becoming the de facto way to create foliage textures, and I do it too, but you have to be smart about it. Don’t waste time modelling the perfect leaf and making variants of it. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say foliage textures are 90% silhouette. Spend all your texture creation time iterating on the silhouette, not the normal maps, or making sure every twig lines up with every group of leaves. Step back. Look at the big read. To illustrate my point, take a look at the comparison image below. On the left are some trees with a beautiful diffuse and lovingly baked normals. On the right are the same trees with a pure green diffuse map and no normal map at all. All it has texture-wise is an alpha mask. As you can see, it’s not a huge difference. Squint your eyes and you probably can’t even tell. The left does look a little better, but ultimately the silhouette carries the weight, and both renderings read similarly as a tree. General leaf size, branch structure, coverage, and scraggly twigs should be where you focus your efforts.

Be Bold with Experimentation

I think it’s important to be creative with your assets. Sometimes you can stumble on something interesting, even if it’s not what you intended. For example, I onced jammed the second LOD model of an oak tree into the ground and found its canopy made excellent bushes. It was already low poly since it was meant to be LOD1. I did some quick work making them into proper bushes, and now I use them even more than my original bushes, and it offers great variety to the mid-level shrubbery.

Conclusion

The TLDR is:

Use reference. Do research on real forests.

Don’t distribute plants and trees evenly. Make some clusters of tightly packed vegetation.

In dense forests, not all the trunks need canopies. This maintains density while saving polygons.

Don’t forget about dead trees, fallen logs, decaying stumps, and anomalies like a dead trees leaning against other trees.

Put extra love near the base of the trunk, where players eyes will fall.

Cover the ground with foliage. Ferns and shrubs are more common than grass.

Use rocks of all sizes to break up the endless foliage.

Water is usually the most interesting thing in a forest. The more lakes, ponds, and rivers the better.

Particles like bugs, leaves, fluff, or dust can add depth.

Don’t waste time on leaf noodling or excessive variants.

Don’t be afraid to try using your assets in unexpected ways.

This article is purely art tips, but I'd like to create a sort of second part to this article, titled "Tech Tips For Building Forests" which is purely the technical side. Please don't hesitate to reach out or follow me on twitter @eastshade.