#it's funny -- usually I cannot STAND the whole breaking the fourth wall thing

[schmweed]

Only Murders in the Building | S01E06

[itskyleeyo]

hadestown brain dump (songs)

SPOILERS FOR HADESTOWN/THE STORY OF ORPHEUS AND EURYDICE

ok so it may have been more than a few days, but what're you gonna do about it?

so i wanted to do another brain dump, and i wanted to listen to hadestown, so i'm doing a song by song brain dump as i go along. this means that my thoughts are going to be even more stream-of-consciousness style (if that's even possible.) also i'm talking specifically about the original broadway cast recording bc i haven't listened to any other version. (also this was completed across multiple months so it is even more chaotic lmao).

also i highly recommend that you listen to the musical and/or pull up the lyrics as you go along! enjoy!

road to hell. the way andre brings in the chorus is flawless please. also the way that hermes is both a narrator and a character in the story he's narrating? beautiful. "the king of the mine." he sounds so nice here for some reason. also love his self-introduction "maybe it will turn out this time" no it won't but thank you for trying. also breaking the fourth wall to acknowledge the chorus and crew is so nice, here comes reeve ;) mans sounds like an angel. you can hear amber's voice stick out of the chorus and i literally love it so much. i'd die for amber gray but we'll get to that later.

any way the wind blows. the fates literally sound so perfect together. Eva's intro throws me off every time, she sounds so pretty. dear god the harmonies with the fates hit so different. can this cast please narrate my life? there's the wind comparisons ;D the "ooos" are so good. "and it ain't because i'm kind" idk i just like how andre sounds here. oh and the funny behind "so i took him underneath my wing" because hermes has wings on his helmet and shoes.

come home with me. orpheus is so oblivious but i love it. also eurydice is literally such a mood. the wordplay with "come again". the "oh, he's crazy" is my favorite part of the whole song. also eva's voice acting is so good.

wedding song. the way she says "lover"? my ass cannot handle this. eva sounds so smug in the beginning of this song and i love it. "sing the song ;)" eurydice is so fantastic. the chorus of "la" is so pretty. eva joining in during the end is just. so perfect.

epic i. hell yeah introduce the king and queen (both literally and figuratively). reeve's falsetto <3 the way orpheus looks to hermes for approval throughout the musical. hermes narrating over orpheus singing.

livin' it up on top. HELL YES THE QUEEN HAS ARRIVED. i love amber gray so much. the gravel and the rasp. please step on me. also i love the idea of persephone being the wine aunt, especially because media usually portrays her as soft and breakable. the way she says "haaard". the way the music gets more upbeat and energetic when hermes says "the world came back to liiife!" the instrumental/dance? break is so good. please kill me with that trumpet good sir. the leadup to when amber starts singing again. orpheus really knows how to give a speech. "i will ;)" amber please step on me i am not joking.

all i've ever known (intro). thank you for the intro king. the music is so pretty. the way it picks up with the piano part <3

all i've ever known. eva sounds so pretty dear god. yay more wind references! the wordplay with "hold". and also the references to hot and cold throughout the musical. "i don't wanna ever have to let you go." lol ironic because she ends up going with hades. "i knew you before we met, and i don't even know you yet." the fucking wordplay. like holy shit. the "love at first sight" feelings. this line gets me every damn time. the wordplay from 2:10 - 2:38 is so fucking incredible. i lose it every time istg. the instrumental portion is so pretty. the wind! "we'll always be like this" i fucking love irony so much. its so underrated and adds so many layers to the story.

way down hadestown. amber gray. that's it. "you either get to hell or to hadestown, ain't no difference anymore". i fucking love this line so much. not really sure why but the delivery is perfect. also the whole thing with it being a train? i love that so much. all the allusions and comparisons they can make are fantastic. more amber gray appreciation. and ofc. the fates. more fantastic instrumental breaks. "and you better forget about your wishing well." this line is so good but so sad because its literally persephone saying that "hey, fair warning, life is shit down there" and i feel bad for her. like the way she's super sassy and shit, but just stops singing when hades gets there, you can tell that she's definitely not ok. speaking of hades, holy shit patrick page. sounds so fucking fantastic. thank you for existing good sir. eva with the breathtaking single lines. and eva's voice standing out when she sings "ground".

a gathering storm. the constant references to weather and nature throughout the whole musical. eurydice with the common sense. the wind again! "did you hear me, orpheus?" he did not, in fact, hear her.

epic ii. the different names for hades in each epic make me so happy. hades thoughts: "i think my wife might not come back cause i'm super controlling. whatever shall i do? oh, i know! be even more controlling!" lmao dumbass motherfucker. that might not work out so well. i fucking love the transition into "chant" so much.

chant. this is one of my favorite songs from the musical. the wordplay within the entire song is so fucking fantastic. hades singing about desire and then orpheus singing the "song of love" was definitely done on purpose and i'm living for it. every single one of eva's lines make me emotional. ma'am why are you good at everything?? the band! more weather references! patrick page singing "lover" hits different. orpheus singing about hades and persephone being blind and deaf. lmao irony because he's not paying attention to anything around him. the wind! weather! "the song of love" is what brought orpheus and eurydice together, but orpheus' devotion to finishing it is what drives eurydice to hades. "did you think i'd be impressed" i was right ;) it didn't work out so well.

hey, little songbird. the strings <3 patrick page is a god (lol i'm so funny). how does he manage to make manipulation sound so good? bird references! the vocal contrast! eva's voice has this kind of "innocence" to it. especially compared to patrick. not sure if that's on purpose or not, but i love it. also the low note kills me every time. the octave jumps between patrick and eva's voices is just. ugh. and also eva's entire second verse is so fucking good. the emotion she portrays in her voice is so spectacular. seriously hades with the manipulation is so interesting and its so good. (manipulation is not a good thing i just mean that its done so well in the show. do not manipulate people!)

when the chips are down (intro). "your ticket ;)" yes pls sir i'll take a ticket cause life sucks ass.

when the chips are down. i fucking love the fates dear god. gambling references! eva has literally one line and still owns my heart. the band! "shoot to kill" sounds so good like i love it so much pls. also this fucking line "cast your eyes to heaven, you get a knife in the back" is so good. i'm gonna have to get into quite a few lines throughout the musical in a different brain dump because i have so much thought.

gone, i'm gone. darling eurydice. its not your fault that you're starving stop apologizing. "talk of sin" lol she do be going to hell. that's funny. the harmonies.

wait for me (intro). the piano. heremes trying to change the subject hurts my heart. and orpheus' reaction is so sad please. "no.." just rip my fucking heart out, why don't you?

wait for me. the transition. andre coming in clutch with the narration. reeve sounds wonderful, as always. the fucking fates. just kill me already. they literally sound so good. the strings' build up between the "la"s. the chorus. the buildup at the end.

why we build the wall. the total 180 in the vibes. call and response has a special pace in my heart. mr page killing it again. god, hades is such a piece of shit and its perfect. he really is a master manipulator. fuck capitalism. the chorus sounds so good. i want to platonically smooch all of them. jesus fucking christ burn capitalism to the ground. the end is amazing. also the not-so-subtle references to slavery/forced labor.

why we build the wall (outro). i'd die for andre. "anybody want a drink?" yes ma'am. yes please. (don't drink, kids) i love you so much.

our lady of the underground. its so jazzy! jesus fucking christ. oh my fucking god. i would literally sell my soul for amber gray. what did we ever do to deserve her? god the raspiness fucking kills me. also love that she breaks the fourth wall to acknowledge the band. when she comes back in after the instrumental break? consider me dead. "what the boss don't know, the boss won't mind" she sounds so good here. also i love that she straight up doesn't give a fuck about hades here.

way down hadestown (reprise). hell yeah i love reprises. the fates. andre. the chorus. i love them all. i'm such a whore for reoccurring lyrics. the strings! fuck capitalism! eva's emotions are just so fucking good. "you've already forgot?" holy shit. this shit hurted. the "ahh ooh"s are so good.

flowers. the intro <3. eva sounds so pretty. the fucking symbolism in this song is incredible. i'm gonna get into this in another brain dump bc it's a very sensitive topic. the fact that she can't actually fully remember orpheus makes me so sad. so pretty <3

come home with me (reprise). hell yeah another reprise. the way the music is much more upbeat when orpheus shows up. their excitement! eva's vocal emotions are literally so fantastic pls.

papers (intro). "young mannn" kill me patrick. train references! hell yeah persephone. the way andre gets louder when he says "raised up his voice." eva <3. reeve just always sounds so pretty. ohmygod the laugh. kill me good sir. mans straight up admits to owning people and is like "it's cool tho cause they signed a piece of paper. def not taking advantage of people that are literally starving or anything. it's fine." fuck you hades. go step on a fucking lego. orpheus is so sad :(

papers (instrumental). yes. sounds so good. i'm imagining an epic chase scene. the transition into nothing changes <3

nothing changes. respectfully? the fates could kill me any day and i'd thank them. the weather reference! that "anyhow" is so fucking good istg.

if it's true. another one of my favorites. pop off intro. the broken "is this how the world is?" sadly, yes. "but everybody knows that walls have ears." is literally such a powerful line to me for some reason. it does a great job of bringing in the chorus. and by calling the workers "walls" it shows that hades views them as "less than." they aren't even referred to as people. "what's the use of his backbone if he never stands upright." oh my god. because they literally cannot stand upright. anais mitchell is literally a fucking genius. fuck the 1%. gambling references! the chorus backing him is just so pretty. the way orpheus looks to the chorus for advice and support. "we're standing." ugh its so good.

how long. oh my fucking god. amber fucking gray. (that's it, that's the post). the way she sounds resigned/disappointed when she says "i've had enough" makes me so sad. there are no words to describe how i feel about 0:25 - 0:41. like their relationship is strained, and super mega fucked up, but it's obvious that they still care about one another. the emotion in their voices throughout this song is fantastic. the play on light and dark. also more bird references! how they view themselves/their self importance. hades is a most importantly king. persephone is most importantly a wife. it really show that hades views power as more important than anything else. "nothing comes of the songs people sing." holy fucking shit. cause their song is the "song of love," but they can barely stand each other and their relationship has fallen apart. persephone commenting on his love of power over his love of her. amber's voice during "the earth must die" is so nice and for what? god i love her. they sound so nice together <3

chant (reprise). another favorite hehe. the strings! it's all just so pretty. when the piano comes in i die a little. the self realization coming from the chorus when they're like "oh shit, this is wrong. i don't deserve to be treated like this." is so fucking fantastic. the "young mannn" again! hades really be like "manipulate her! make her depend on you financially! i've been ding this a while kid! i know how to successfully control women!" reeve sounds so pretty pls. the way that eurydice has basically become part of the chorus (since she's just another worker now). more self realization! the different ways that hades and orpheus view the "song of love." "sing before i kill you so i can use it to manipulate my wife and make her feel like shit." patrick's voice tho.

epic iii. reeve coming in with that falsetto like nobody's business. orpheus really about to bite you in the ass with your own damn song. amber gray <3. the "ooo"s in the background. the way the music picks up when reeve gets to the "la"s. it's just so fucking good. that falsetto again. orpheus really looked at the king of hell, a literal god, and said "i want to ruin him psychologically" and it fucking worked. which is some of my favorite irony because hades wouldn't have shit if it weren't for that fact that he's a good manipulator and takes advantage of the needy. that last line <3

epic iii (instrumental). i have no words for how fucking beautiful this is. i so desperately want an extended version. like for real love this so much. if i get married, i want this to be the song for the first dance.

promises. eurydice is so proud of him for finishing. the way that eurydice realized that she cares about him more that material objects. wind and weather references! "if we can do it so can they!" she sounds so excited. :( "hand-in-hand" lol nope. not them refencing wedding song, anyway the wind blows, and then giving their "i do"s. absolutely heart wrenching.

word to the wise. the fates. pls step on me ladies. the lyrics throughout this are so fucking good. lol hades being damned. cause he's the king of hell. honestly its solid advice tho. humans are really fucking stupid.

his kiss, the riot. give us them adjectives king. " how dare people want rights! >:(" hades is really trying to make himself the good guy rn. the music! 2:15 - 3:03 is so good pls. the lyrics are just so spectacular.

wait for me (reprise) (intro). hello again andre! hermes literally says "he's trying to psych you out and manipulate you. he wants you to doubt everything" and orpheus says "are you sure tho?" and then procedes to doubt everything. the way the music changes is <3. the song transition.

wait for me (reprise). my absolute fucking favorite song in this musical. the first fucking lyric is so good. it really sets an expectation for the song and i am not disappointed. lyrics that talk about how fucked up any single person's brain is are so fucking cool to me. god i love this song. how soft the first set of "wait for me"s are. the support/pressure from the chorus. the entire exchange between hades and persephone. the way amber's voice sticks out of the chorus. the fates coming in clutch again. train references! more brain talk! amber gray please end me. eva sounds so pretty. and the final note is so good!

doubt comes in. the long intro that builds up suspense. the first time that orpheus's "la"s aren't echoed by the chorus/music. wind! weather! the fates sound so pretty like always. reeve genuinely sounds so scared. the way the music picks up and the chorus joins in when eurydice starts singing. the music is so unsettling and i love it. god i love his voice. 3:44 - 3:57 always hits so different. you realize just how much she means to him. how it all goes to shit when the music reaches the climax. the fact that the music clashes on purpose. the sadness in their voices.

road to hell (reprise). it all comes full circle. god andre sounds so sad. the way you come to really hear the lyrics because there's no upbeat music to distract you this time, "its a tragedy" lol because the actual written story is a tragedy. "i learned that from a friend of mine" poor orpheus :(. the way the chorus slowly joins in and the music slowly picks up. the "can you feel it" is literally so fucking powerful. fuck yes amber. fuck it up queen. amber and eva sound so nice together. the "its a love song, its a sad song" is so sad. the final lyric is just. ugh.

we raise our cups. yes pls amber. this song is so pretty. good night queen.

[idreamtofmanderleyagain]

Hellraiser Fandom and the Invisibility of Women’s Abuse

I’m starting to come to terms with why the Last Drive In interviews stuck with me in a bad way.

It kind of eluded me for a while, but to give you guys the emotional lead-up to what was underlying my sense of discomfort and irritation, let me explain a few things. When I heard the interview was going to happen, I watched some portions of a different Last Drive In episode to get a sense of what the whole thing was about. It’s your standard hosted horror movie show. 

It’s also awkwardly sexist. They have a character on it, Darcy The Mail Girl, who as far as I could tell in my first viewing, basically exists on the show to be ogled and be the butt of sexual humor. The men filming would even break the fourth wall to snicker and whistle when she would say something sexual. In 2020, it was extraordinarily cringe-worthy to watch, and I’m at a loss that we’re still living in a world where this is normalized. It was like watching something from the 80′s. She is extremely objectified on the show. 

I don’t blame her for this. Apparently, she was the victim of some awful bullying and body-shaming fairly recently, and I don’t want to put more suffering on that girl’s shoulders. I respect her. I think she respects herself. The circumstances surrounding a woman being in a position like this are complicated, and I do not pretend to understand her situation. She’s also allowed her own feelings about what she can and cannot handle, and what is and is not okay with her.

Nevertheless, the segment I saw in that other episode with Darcy was alienating and even rather upsetting. I felt a second-hand humiliation and pain. I didn’t feel like Darcy was put in a position where she was in control of her own sexual expression. Perhaps Darcy’s actress disagrees with me, and that’s fine. But as a female audience member, I was already feeling a sense of unease and unwelcome.

So I was obviously primed for discomfort before the interviews even started.

Joe Bob Briggs (the host) said a few things that did not sit quite right with me. Quite frankly, he repeated some more annoying fanboy statements that tend to stick in my craw. His rather basic interpretation of the film, juxtaposed against the awkward, stifling feeling of watching Doug and Ashley try to explain the deeper concepts that eluded him reminded my of my own frustrations listening to the male fans of these films’ constant comprehension failure.

How many times does Doug have to repeat the words he’s basically memorized by heart regarding the tragedy and complex nature of Pinhead? Why does this get forgotten, glossed over, even retconned so much?

Why does it always feel like Ashley gets disregarded? Every time we see an interview with her (which is comparatively rare), nobody really speaks to the deeper thoughts she expresses on her character or the narrative, but every man in the comments has something to say about her hotness level.

When we got to the point that Ashley tried to explain to Briggs that she thought Pinhead was fair in a certain scene, and that Pinhead was speaking to Kirsty’s accountability for her own desires, Briggs responds incredulously; “You think Kirsty OWES Pinhead?!” 

Ashley had spent a portion of the interview having to dismiss the relevance of characters like Steve and Kyle in Kirsty’s life, and was now suggesting a deeper subtext in her interactions with Pinhead that both A) did not cast Kirsty as pure and sexless and without culpability, and B) did not cast Pinhead as her aggressor but as her psychological mirror. 

This is the subtext that is most often disregarded by casual fans and some hardcore fans alike, that Kirsty may not be the innocent and sexless Final Girl, and that Pinhead may not be the predatory Slasher monster intent on using a sharp weapon to penetrate her violently for his own gratification, and that dynamic may not be the be-all-end all of their relationship for the rest of time.

I’ve been turning Brigg’s incredulous response around in my brain for a while. And it’s made me realize something about how men experience Hellraiser’s narrative, and why it differs so greatly for many women.

Doug has more than once spoken to the fact that women react to Pinhead very differently than men. He was of course speaking of the sexual interest he would get, but he has remarked upon the fact at least once that he’s not entirely sure why that is, exactly.

It’s...not that strange to me that women desire rather than fear the character, or that Ashley would have a more positive response to Kirsty’s relationship with him rather than her relationships with the seemingly benign boys of the films. 

There is an order to which women first learn about sex. For some it’s a little different but I believe this is a fairly common experience: The very first thing we learn is that it’s going to hurt (but maybe also feel good after). The second thing we learn is that boys will want to take it from us and will manipulate and lie to us to get it, but that it’s supposed to happen in a loving relationship. The third thing we learn is that we want it too, but we aren’t supposed to because it’s dirty and wrong for us to want it. 

Women grow up with an inherent anxiety around sex, an anxiety that is complicated by our own desires.

Everything in Hellraiser is perfectly reflective of a reality that men clearly do not have the context to fully comprehend, because women’s real experiences of desire, and of male violence, are a blind spot.

The men who hurt women don’t have pins in their head and wax gothic poetry about suffering. They don’t wear dark capes and turn into bats and hypnotize women from their windows to drink their blood. 

The men who hurt women look like Frank, or J.P. Monroe, or Trevor, or Channard, or every bumbling aggressive fool Julia seduced home. 

They look like Larry and Steve. 

Larry let his wife scream “no” and “stop” several times before he responded, regardless of the true reasons she was screaming those words. And when he finally did stop, it was out of anger rather than concern. This is, as far as I’m aware, the most common form of sexual violence a woman can experience - a man they give their trust to suddenly doesn’t respect a “no.”

So, so many times, I have heard men say how badly they felt for Larry, how innocent poor Larry was. 

Men live in a fantasy world where it’s more comfortable for them to imagine characters like Larry as good man, a victim of Julia’s callousness who isn’t in Hell not because he never touched the box, but because he is inherently innocent. They live in a fantasy world where it’s odd that Steve abandoned Kirsty the minute something deeply traumatic happened to her (Briggs remarked upon this). Raise your hand if a man has done the same to you when the cards where down.

Steve’s response to Kirsty getting too drunk to stand properly was to “jokingly” tell her to lie down in this sleazeball way that indicated he was insinuating taking advantage of her intoxicated state. Also one of the most common forms of sexual violence a woman can experience.

The men who Julia took home would respond aggressively when she chickened out of sex, either blindly or in an attempt to shame and guilt her into proceeding.

Should we talk about the fact that Kyle is a psychiatrist who shouldn’t be romancing a traumatized patient in his care who’s parent was just fucking brutally murdered? Or does that feel too petty in comparison?

The men who hurt women are more typically their friends, their fathers, their uncles, their boyfriends, their husbands.

What’s so funny about all of this is that Pinhead somehow does better at consent than these men, at least in a manner of speaking. He’s the only man who legitimately listens to Kirsty, and responds to her “no.” No matter what he threatens, he always stops to hear her out, lets her do what she wants, is always talking about her desires and pleasure, and in the end always ends up destroying the men abusing her rather than going through with ever harming her. 

Briggs seemed keen on viewing Pinhead as a Satanic figure. Historically, what is the role of women who are in a position to encounter the devil? Usually, they are witches, wanton women who gain magical power through sexual communion with the devil. A framework of propaganda that men have historically used to persecute women.

The men who hurt and oppress women in real life don’t look or act like Satan, but they sure as hell are ready to write narrative after narrative of Satanic figures menacing women while they save the day, and they sure as hell like to blame women for preferring “bad boys” and “assholes” over the “nice guy.” 

It’s more comfortable for men to imagine Pinhead as this cool figure of pure evil with no feelings or capacity for mercy, because they can live vicariously through his violence (particularly when they’re writing him doing it to half-naked women, looking at you H3) and yet simultaneously distance their moral identities from him. 

It’s more comfortable to compartmentalize what good vs. predatory masculinity looks like in a way that benefits their self-image and the status quo. This is a lie men tell themselves.

It’s safer for men to point to Pinhead and say, “this is what a predator looks like,” while curiously never speaking of the callous, scummy and predatory behavior of every single other man in the films, even to the point of occasionally discussing the perceived tragedy of fucking Frank’s spiral into darkness long before they can feel entirely comfy imagining Pinhead as having a past where he was a good man with sad feelings, or regard his act of self-sacrifice for Kirsty as anything but a moment of weakness that was “bad writing” and therefore should never have happened.

There is an extraordinary irony in a man arguing with Pinhead’s own actor over the nature of his evil, while running a show where a female character’s fuckability is her main characteristic and it’s okay to behave as if she doesn’t even have real feelings.

All this nonsense in the spaces I go to have fun, while we’re dealing with the background radiation of a President who’s sexual abuses are swept under the rug, his masculinity praised regularly and his violence against our people gaslighted. While we’re dealing with the mass-recorded aggressive violence of police - white men in positions of authority whom we are supposed to trust to keep us safe. While men make other men laugh about the violation of girls so they don’t have to deal with the reality of one of the “nice” funny guys being a predator.

Fuck you. I’d rather burn.

[goldenhemmings]

Stealing Second | Baseball!Shawn (Part Five)

Hello again, and for the last time (at least regarding this series)! This is gonna do it for Stealing Second, and it wouldn’t be right of me to not take the time to thank every single one of you that ever took time out of your day to read the writing that I’ve been putting out. When I posted part one of this I was seriously not expecting anyone to care about my stupid baseball obsession, and yet here we are. Thank you guys for your time, your kind words and messages, and for sticking with me through long periods of time inbetween updates. I cannot thank y’all enough for supporting this series, it has been so much fun for me to write and share. This part is 9.4k words, and I’d so love to hear your feedback on it when you read it. Here we go!!

Shawn didn’t understand. He stormed down the hallway towards the elevator, frustrated fists raking through his curls. He all-but punched the 12 button, backing against the wall and letting the back of his head fall against it as the elevator began its ascent to his floor. Everything had been going so well, and then Y/N went and threw him a curveball that there was no chance he could hit. He hadn’t seen it coming, and he didn’t know how to handle it. He understood her reasoning, but at the same time...he didn’t. It wasn’t fair what was happening to her, but were a few unexpected roadblocks really all it took to make her walk away? She was going to readily give him up to bow down to the supposed expectations of team higher-ups that she couldn’t control? He knew it made sense to her, that she was thinking of herself, but he didn’t understand why it had to be like this. He couldn’t understand, and he especially didn’t believe her when she said there was nothing he could do about it.

He obviously had plenty of connections with the team; there had to be at least one person who could help. His coach, the team’s general manager, an executive...anyone. He was intent on finding a way for her to have the best of both worlds, because he loved her. That, however, was new. He hadn’t yet admitted to himself those feelings before he’d found himself inadvertently admitting them to her in the heat of the moment. He wished the words hadn’t been said that way; she acted like she hadn’t even heard them. He’d wanted them to mean more. As Shawn turned the key into the lock of his apartment door, he resolved to find a way to fix things. Y/N couldn’t (or wouldn’t, he didn’t know), so he would. He needed to talk to her somehow, when both of them were more level-headed, and ask what he could do; there had to be at least one thing, despite what she said. For her, he’d figure it out.

He just had to find a way to get her alone.

---------------

“Don’t shoot the messenger.”

You looked up from your computer, which you’d been bent over for the past three straight hours throwing yourself head-first into your work. You watched out of the corner of your eye as Cassidy re-enter your shared office before she flopped down into the swivel chair at her desk. “What?” you laughed. “Did something happen in your meeting with the PR Director?”

“Y/N, just start calling him Curt already,” she giggled, crossing one of her legs over the other. “It’s not weird.”

You rolled your eyes. “Yeah, whatever. Anyways, what’s with the cryptic ‘don’t shoot the messenger?��”

She sighed. “Curt just told me that Sports Illustrated is sending a team to Toronto on Friday. They want to put a player on their cover, that’s what the meeting was about.”

“Holy shit!” you cried. Sports Illustrated covers were a massive deal, and it would be huge for the team to secure one. It was obviously a last-minute decision, considering that the SI team would be coming to Toronto in only two days. “Who are they covering?”

Cassidy groaned. “This is the part where I’d expect you to shoot me.”

You laughed dryly; now you understood. “It’s Shawn, isn’t it?” you asked, though it came out like a flat statement. You’d been doing so well distracting yourself from thinking about him the past twenty-four hours; you didn’t particularly want to have an actual conversation with him as the sole subject. Cassidy nodded, one side of her mouth quirked up into a sympathetic smile.

“Good for him, I guess,” you said, returning your focus to your computer. “It’s a big deal, and it’s not like he hasn’t earned it.”

“Well, as glad as I am to hear you say that, you’re probably gonna change your mind.”

You scoffed. “Why?”

“Well, we work in Public Relations.”

“I’m aware,” you laughed. “What’s going on with you, Cass? You’re being weird.”

Another sigh. “As PR staff, we have to preside over everything that connects the Blue Jays with the fans. This SI article will be a media publication about the team, so our department has to...oversee it.”

“Cassidy,” you warned, though you had a gut feeling you knew where this was going. “Define ‘oversee it.’”

“We have to make sure that SI presents Shawn in a way that’s to the team’s liking. Which means we have to...be there. For the interview. And the photoshoot, too. Basically what I’m trying to say is that you’re going to be trapped in a room with Shawn for an entire day, and there’s nothing you can do to get out of it, so I thought I’d at least warn you now so you had time to prepare.”

Great. “It’ll be fine,” you said flatly, though you knew fine was the last word you’d use to describe the way you felt about the situation. Cassidy sensed your apprehension, evidenced in a subtle raise of her eyebrows.

“You sure about that?”

You huffed and looked up from your computer. “It doesn’t really matter if I am or not. I’m just going to be professional.” In the off chance that there were going to be any executives present at the shoot, it was a chance for you to show that you took your job seriously and didn’t have any conflicting personal relationships that could jeopardize that. At least not anymore.

Cassidy didn’t seem to fully buy your confidence. “Well, if you need anything on Friday, just let me know. I want to make sure this isn’t too hard for you.”

“Why would it be hard? It’s my job.”

“Yes, and once again Shawn has been put in a place that could potentially interfere with that.”

“Not anymore, Cass,” you answered, a little more coldly than you’d intended. “That’s why we’re no longer together.”

She didn’t answer, instead turning in her swivel chair to return to her work. She didn’t appear to be convinced that you were seemingly unbothered by what was to come. You weren’t sure that you were convinced, either.

---------------

You learned right after waking up Friday morning in an email from Curt that the entire PR department was “expected to be wearing team attire for the duration of Sports Illustrated’s time with the Blue Jays in order to maintain a professional and fun work environment.” Just your luck. Team attire meant Jays jerseys, and you wanted to scream as you sifted through your closet in search of an outfit. You had four fucking jerseys, and they all had Shawn’s name on them. You stubbornly pulled the one uniform that actually belonged to you down from its hanger, throwing it onto your bed along with a pair of black jeans.

You remembered your mother giving you that jersey the day you left for Toronto. It was her idea of a parting gift; a symbol for how proud she was of you for finally getting your foot in the door of the MLB. She knew Shawn was your favorite player at the time, and had opted for it to be his name that was embroidered onto the back of the jersey. It was what you were wearing when you met Shawn, and it was also what you’d be wearing when you had to finally face him for the first time since breaking things off. Funny how things always seemed to come full circle.

You walked to work as usual, stepping through the door right at eight. You took the elevator up to the fourth floor and navigated your way to the room Curt had described as the location of the shoot. You began to hear noise as you got further down the hallway, and you ducked into the spacious room where people were hustling to set things up. You felt a little lost until your eyes found Cassidy standing in a white jersey, and you did your best to push your way through the room to get to her.

“Hey!” she exclaimed as you approached her, always so full of energy--even at eight in the morning. “Whose jersey have you got on?”

You rolled your eyes. “My morning was fine, thanks for asking. How was yours?”

She groaned, looking up at the ceiling. “Don’t be lame, Y/N.”

“Don’t ask questions you already know the answer to,” you retorted, and Cassidy laughed.

“Touche,” she smiled, nudging you with her shoulder. “Though, you could’ve just asked to borrow one of my jerseys so you didn’t have to wear Shawn’s,” she continued, and you scoffed.

“Wish I’d thought of that about two hours ago. Too late now.”

She shrugged. “Oh well. It’ll be fun to watch him go a little nuts when he sees you.”

“Yeah, maybe for you.” Cassidy laughed again, and you smiled and nudged her back.

Not long after, the room had cleared of everyone except the small Sports Illustrated team and the six of you on the PR staff, identifiable by the jerseys you were all wearing. You hadn’t realized Shawn, who you now had a perfect view of thanks to the sudden decrease of people, had been in the room the whole time. He was shaking hands and talking with a middle-aged man who you assumed was the interviewer as people bustled around them setting up tape recorders to catch the audio and chairs for them to sit in. The interviewer clapped his hands and announced that he was starting, asking everyone to be quiet.

The PR staff all had the same job, which was to follow the interview and flag any questions or answers that were phrased unfavorably or could be taken the wrong way, but the questions were all as you’d expected: asking about baseball’s involvement in Shawn’s childhood, how much it meant to be playing for his hometown team, the Rookie of the Year rumors, his teammates, his coaches, et cetera. It’d been so long since you had paid attention to him being interviewed at the games that you’d forgotten how well-spoken he was. You almost hated how he always seemed to know exactly what to say and when to say it. But before long, the interviewer was beginning to enter a territory that was making you slightly nervous.

“Does being away so frequently make it difficult to maintain a consistent personal life?”

“Mmm,” Shawn mused, looking off to the side as he thought. “Not really. Anyone I want to talk to is just a phone call away when the team’s on the road. The majority of my personal life involves my teammates anyways, though, so it works out.”

“Speaking of your teammates, who would you say you’re the closest to? Which one has had the most impact on how you’ve adjusted to a life in the big leagues?”

“Well they’re all great guys and they’ve all been amazing to me in their own way, but I’ve gotten the closest to Justin Smoak, for sure,” Shawn answered, not even taking a second to think about it. “It sucks that he’s gonna be on the DL for the rest of the season. From my first practice with the team, he made it a point to take me under his wing and really show me how things work around here. Even aside from baseball, he’s so much fun to be around. I love hanging out with him and his wife on off days.”

The interviewer grinned and cocked his head to the side, looking down at the cue card in his hands. “That actually provides me with a perfect transition to my next question; people want to know if you’ve been able to find a girlfriend since going pro.” You almost wanted to laugh. The people reading Sports Illustrated were the last group that would give a shit whether or not Shawn had a girlfriend, and you hated questions like that in any kind of interview; what did it matter? The interviewer would be wasting space if he wrote that question into the magazine. Regardless, you found yourself holding your breath in anticipation of Shawn’s answer. His eyes flicked up to you briefly, and you felt your own eyes widen as you were filled with the sudden feeling that he was going to say something stupid like it’s complicated, right Y/N? But then he looked back at the interviewer, and all was well again.

“Working on it,” he laughed, and you let all your air out at once. It was a safe answer, and it wasn’t exactly a lie. At least not from his point of view.

The interview ended quite quickly after that, Shawn shaking the interviewer’s hand after the two of them posed for a few pictures. With the first part out of the way, it was time for the shoot itself. Shawn was hurried off, likely to change into his Toronto uniform, as the SI crew began moving the room around to assemble the photo set (which was really just a couple of fancy white bed sheet-looking pieces of fabric to be used as a background). You tuned out Cassidy’s comments about the interviewer asking Shawn if he had a girlfriend and made a mental note to flag that question when Curt asked for your feedback. You caught yourself looking all around the room as people bustled about; what you were looking for you weren’t sure, until you saw Shawn re-enter in full uniform and you realized you’d been subconsciously scanning the room for him. You rolled your eyes at how predictable you were even without trying, but then internally came to the conclusion that just because you wouldn’t let yourself touch didn’t mean you couldn’t look. Because, really, it’d be nearly impossible to keep your eyes off of Shawn for the entire day, and everyone else would be looking at him, too; you wouldn’t appear to be staring at him any more than the next person. And he was always a sight to be seen in that uniform.

You were brought from your little space-out by the photographer’s bellowing voice taking command of the room. “Let’s get started, yeah?” he called out, stepping forward with his camera held carefully in his hands. “Shawn, let’s have you step onto the set.” You watched a little too intently as Shawn made his way in front of the white background, adjusting his hat and making sure his blue jersey was properly tucked into his white baseball pants. The photographer set him up with a wooden bat casually resting on his shoulder, then took a step back and frowned. “I don’t like this,” he muttered, evidently lost in thought. “Can’t see his face. Gonna have to lose the hat.”

“You,” he said, sending you a pointed glance and jabbing his finger in your direction. “Could you go get his cap?”

Your mouth formed a tight smile. “Sure,” you responded, though you knew it sounded strangled. You weren’t even the closest person to Shawn, but of course the photographer just had to ask you of all people. So much for your look, don’t touch rule; just your luck. You were further disgruntled by the fact that Shawn didn’t take the hat off of himself and hand it to you; he made you reach up and take it off yourself. Of course he did. He knew what he was doing. You avoided eye contact as you took the cap and turned to make your way off the set, but the photographer held up his hand.

“Wait, one more thing. Do me a favor and fix that piece of hair, I don’t want it over his face like that.”

He had to be kidding. You sighed and turned back around, stepping over to brush the hair off his forehead like you’d been instructed. You could feel Shawn’s eyes on you, and you were almost uncomfortable under the heat of his gaze; you were still somehow physically affected by him staring at you, but in a different way than usual. It usually made you excited, but now you were almost nervous, like there was a knot of anticipation in your stomach. You took a deep, steadying breath. As if things weren’t already hard enough without him looking at you like that.

“Thank you,” Shawn whispered as you took a step back, his eyes still glued to your face.

“Just doing my job,” you replied flatly, even though fixing Shawn’s hair for a photoshoot was in no way a part of your job description. You walked back over to stand by Cassidy, who shot you a small smirk.

“Have fun?”

“A blast,” you muttered sarcastically, clutching Shawn’s hat in your fist a little tighter than was necessary.

Three hours, two outfit changes, and one headline brainstorming session later, the lead from SI officially called a wrap. Their media team wasted no time importing the photos to make a digital manipulation of what the cover would look like, the words “Toronto Takes Off” in big, blue letters at the bottom of the page, a photo of Shawn taking up the whole cover. Curt cleared it for production, and with that the Sports Illustrated team began packing their equipment and heading out the door. No surprise to you, Shawn was thanking every single person as they began to trickle out.  

You turned to Cassidy, your back to Shawn, and began casually talking to her for all of ten seconds before she cut you off. “Not to freak you out or anything, but Shawn’s coming over here.”

You could feel your heart rate quicken, hating yourself for still involuntarily getting excited at the thought of even just talking to him. “Well keep talking to me then,” you pleaded, not daring to turn over your shoulder. “He’d never interrupt, he’s too polite.”

Cassidy sighed. “Y/N, I’m doing this because I love you,” she replied, an apologetic smile on her face as she began to back away from you. “You can’t avoid him forever. You need to talk to him.” Your eyes blew wide.

“Cassidy,” you hissed through gritted teeth. “Where are you going?”

“Sorry, friend. It’s not interrupting anything if I’m not here. Fill me in when you’re done.”

There was no point in you calling out after her, as she was quickly out of earshot. As soon as she was just about out of the room, you heard a shy “hey” from behind you. You reluctantly turned over your shoulder to face Shawn, forcing yourself to keep a neutral expression.

“Nice choice of jersey,” he continued with a small smirk, nodding at the blue top. You refrained from rolling your eyes; something like this happening was exactly what you were worried about that morning.

“Thanks,” you shrugged. “My jerseys kind of all have the same name on them, it’s not like I really have options.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “That’s not a bad thing. You look good in 98.”

You took a deep breath, choosing to not acknowledge his comment. “Is there something specific you wanted to talk about? I just...probably have to get back to work soon.”

He reached his hand up to scrub the back of his neck. “Oh, I was just wondering if you’ve come up with anything I can do to help you with what’s going on at work? I know I’ve offered before but I want to make sure you know how easily I could get to the general manager or someone like that and see if they could do anything about it. It really would be no trouble.”

You sighed. “That’s a sweet offer, Shawn, but I don’t report to the general manager. I already told you there’s nothing you can do, and even if there were, people aren’t going to change their opinions of me just because someone important comes along and intimidates them into having to play nice. Besides, if they heard about you trying to come to my rescue everything would just be worse.”

“I’m not trying to ‘rescue’ you, Y/N, I just want to help.”

“I know, Shawn, but that’s not how people would see it.”

“Why do you care so much about what everyone thinks of you?”

You ran a hand over your face, trying not to get frustrated. “We’ve already had this conversation, can we please not have a part two?”

“There’s gonna be as many parts as it takes for you to realize that you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing at work and that doesn’t change whether you’re with me or you’re not or whether people like you or not. I understand that you’re worried about getting a ‘real’ job after this, but how you’re doing in your job now is all that should matter for that.” He paused, taking a deep breath and scrubbing a hand over his face before continuing, more levelly. “I’m sorry. I’m trying to keep my cool, but I don’t want to let this go as easily as you did. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do other than try to help you.”

That was not a turn you’d expected this awkward conversation to take. You looked up at the ceiling, trying to keep composure. There were still people around and you didn’t want to draw attention to yourself, especially not when you were talking to Shawn of all people (while wearing his jersey). “Nobody wants to hire someone they don’t like, Shawn. Please don’t make me sound like the bad guy for not wanting to be bullied at my internship and taken less seriously by almost everyone in a superior position to me. It wasn’t easy for me to stop this, I really hope that’s not what you actually think. I just need to establish myself in something more long-lasting with the team.”

He raked his tattooed hand through his hair, messing up his curls. “How long is that going to take?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know if anybody on the hiring team likes me enough to even want to give me a lasting position.”

His expression softened a little. “It isn’t fair for them to judge your qualifications for a job based on anything other than your actual work. Our relationship shouldn’t have anything to do with it, and you shouldn’t have to change the way you live your life in order to cater to what you think they expect of you.”

You smiled, but it was sad. You missed Shawn like crazy and it had only been three days since you’d broken things off. Every time the feeling began to creep up on you, you had to remind yourself of the goals you’d set for your future and how being with him right now put that in jeopardy. It didn’t always help. “No, it’s not fair, but that’s the way it is. I’m looked at under a microscope because everyone expects me to be just another stereotype until I prove that I’m not. And I’ve not been doing a very good job at that.”

“So there’s no way for you to win, then,” Shawn sighed. He was finally starting to understand.

“Not until I get the executives to take me seriously enough to hire me for real.”

He nodded solemnly, looking off to his left. You could tell he was thinking. “Well, I guess just let me know when that happens.”

If that happened. But you didn’t have the heart to correct him. “I will. I should probably get back to work, though.”

“Oh, right. Sorry to keep you from it.”

You laughed a little. “It’s okay. You should probably get home and get some rest before the game tonight anyways. The Diamondbacks are tough.”

“Thanks for the reminder,” he smiled half-heartedly, and you offered a tiny smile in return as you turned over your shoulder to head back into the offices.

---------------

Later that day, Greg called you and the other five interns to his office for a meeting. You imagined it was because he wanted to check in to see how you were all doing, as the one-month mark since starting the internships was approaching. You and two of the other interns arrived to the office at the same time, taking seats around Greg’s small conference table as you waited for the others to arrive. You kept your eyes in your lap so as not to see the nasty way in which you were sure the other two, David and Matthew, were staring at you. As soon as the remaining three, Brandon, Tony, and Chris, had trickled in, Greg began asking questions. Whether or not everyone felt included in their departments, how demanding your workload was, what you were learning, if you were still finding time to keep up with the team itself, and so on.

He was about to switch gears from the rapid-fire questions when his desk phone rang, and he sighed and let out a little groan. He stepped over to his desk and pressed a button, plopping down into his swivel chair. “You’ve reached Greg, you’re on speakerphone.”

“Hey, Greg, it’s James. I’m with one of the statisticians finalizing the weekly report on the team’s numbers, but whoever’s in charge of score-keeping left out a few batting averages. Figured you’d know who that person is, so could you find them and ask for those official, current stats? I need them on Grichuk and Solarte.”

“Sure, James, if you give me just a few minutes, I’ll--”

“0.245 and 0.266.” You heard yourself say the words before you’d even realized you’d opened your mouth, and you felt every single person in the room focus their eyes on you.

Greg narrowed his eyes. “James, could you hold on just a second?” he asked, muting the phone before taking a slight step in your direction and focusing his attention on you. “Are you one-hundred percent positive about that?”

You took a breath, sitting up straight. Of course you were right. “Absolutely.”

Matthew spoke up next, a cocky smirk plastered on his mouth. “With all due respect, sir, she has absolutely no way of knowing that.”

You whipped your head around to face him, acting completely on impulse for once in your life. “I could recite the results of each of their last ten at-bats right now, off the top of my head. So yes, I do have a way of knowing that. Do you?”

“Knock it off,” Greg bellowed, and you and Matthew went quiet. Greg was silent for a few seconds, thinking, before he stepped back to unmute the receiver. “James? Yeah, still me. Grichuk’s batting 0.245 and Solarte’s at 0.266. Yes, I’m sure….Yeah, I can do that real quick. Uh huh...you too, bye.”

You felt a rush of energy in your chest that you refused to let your face give evidence of. Greg trusted you. He’d just taken you seriously. He sighed, hanging up the phone and staring back at the six of you. “You all wait here. I’ve gotta go ask someone a question, I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He turned to look solely at you. “I sure do hope you were right, kid.”

The second Greg was out the door the room became a lion’s den, and you were the sole prey. The guys turned their heads to you as though they were about to bear their teeth, and you gulped with the anticipation that came from knowing that they were surely going to tear you to shreds.

“What did you do, make flashcards or something?” Matthew began, and once he got the ball rolling the others wasted no time digging in, too.

Chris followed. “Gotta stay up to date on the team to fool the players into thinking she actually cares about baseball. How else is she gonna get them in bed?”

“Why do you have such a problem with me?” you snapped, hating yourself for the tears that stabbed the backs of your eyes. If you cried in front of these animals, you’d never recover. They’d bite into you until you ran for the hills and never looked back.

“Less than a month after you start working here you’re caught sneaking around with a player, especially one as good as Mendes, and you expect us not to call you out for what you are?” David sneered.

“There is nothing between me and any player on this team.”

They laughed, and you felt your bottom lip begin to tremble. Tony chimed in next. “I think the half a million people that’ve viewed that video of you and Mendes on MLB Network would beg to differ.”

You would never live that down. “That was a completely innocent interaction one time, and there is absolutely nothing there. You have no idea.”

“I’ll believe that when--”

“She’s right,” spoke a voice that had been otherwise silent the entire time. Brandon. The room was temporarily quiet. Everyone turned to face where he sat at the end of the conference table, his laptop computer opened in front of him. “A-About the stats on Grichuk and Solarte. I looked up the results of all of their at-bats since the last time the batting averages were officially updated. I did the math by hand to factor in the recent plate appearances to the previous averages in order to get the current numbers. Like it or not, 0.245 and 0.266 are spot on.” Brandon turned to look at you, his eyes wide and seemingly apologetic. “You were right, Y/N.”

You didn’t even have time to be proud of yourself before Tony was butting in. “So she has a good memory, big deal. That doesn’t prove anything.”

“Probably only memorized that stuff to impress Mendes in the first place,” Chris snickered, and all of the interns--with the exception of Brandon--began to snicker. “Jersey-chasing skank.” The continuous mentions of Shawn were snapping something in you that evoked a rage you’d never felt before. He wasn’t even technically in your life anymore, but these guys were finding a way to insert him there in an attempt to make you look bad--like a jersey chaser. Something you weren’t, and something you absolutely despised being called. Unable to maintain your composure any longer, you burst.

“Don’t talk about me like I’m not sitting right here. If you have something to say about me, you can say it to me. I’ve been pretty passive up in dealing with how you’ve all been treating me up to this point but I’m sick of feeling like I have something to prove to you guys. And even when I do prove that I obviously know what I’m talking about--like I just did with the batting averages--that still doesn’t seem to be enough for you. You don’t have to like the fact that I’m working for this team, but you do have to accept it and stop making excuses to undermine my motives like when you call me a jersey chaser.” By this point, you were yelling. You couldn’t help it. “You don’t get to disrespect my character and my capabilities because you’re secretly threatened by the fact that I’m a girl who has just as good a chance at getting a full-time job with the team as any of you do. I am your equal. In job title, in capability, and in potential. Don’t ever underestimate me again, or--”

You froze as you heard the door open from behind you, and you took heavy breaths as you felt your words hanging stale in the air, unanswered. The other interns’ eyes were immediately downcast, focusing on anything but Greg now standing in the doorway.

“Everyone out,” Greg commanded, low and quiet but menacing all the same. You grabbed your purse from your lap and stood to leave, completely drained of the energy you’d just exerted. Of course the one time you stuck up for yourself, your boss overheard without context and probably couldn’t stop thinking about how unprofessional you were. Just as you turned over your shoulder to head for the door with everyone else, Greg’s voice stopped you. “Not you, Y/N. You stay.”

Your heart sank. “O-okay.”

Once everyone else was out of the room, Brandon shooting you another look of apology as he went, Greg moved to sit in his swivel chair, leaving you still awkwardly standing in the middle of the room.

He turned in his chair to face you. “Shut the door, would you?” You silently complied, your heart hammering in your chest. You were going to get fired. You knew it. You’d been perfectly damage controlling, cutting your relationship with Shawn and focusing solely on work. You were on track to salvaging your reputation and proving yourself as a hard worker and nothing else--not even a jersey chaser. And then you’d gone and thrown it up in flames.

Greg gestured for you to take a seat, and you pulled one of the extra chairs that was against the wall up to the side of his desk. You sat down and squeezed your hands in your lap in an effort to keep them from shaking, but how much your legs were bouncing made up for the lack of nerves in your fingers. You didn’t say anything, just forced yourself to look at him and keep your composure.

“How’s your day been going?”

You almost scoffed; the last thing you’d expected was a question like that. “Um, good.”

Greg’s eyes widened and he leaned back in his chair, folding his arms across his chest. “Good? Even after that conversation I just overheard? I’d actually call it more of an argument, on second thought.”

“W-what?”

“I could repeat some of the things that were said to jog your memory, but--”

“No, no, I remember,” you hastened, throwing one of your hands up.

“Are...are you doing okay?” Greg asked hesitantly, leaning forward in his chair towards you as though he were trying to psychoanalyze you. If you hadn’t known any better, you’d have thought he seemed concerned. For a reason you couldn’t put your finger on, it bothered you. You weren’t a wounded animal, and you didn’t need his pity.

“I’m fine, I just kind of want to hurry and get this over with,” you muttered, looking down at your lap.

Greg frowned. “Get what over with?”

“Being fired,” you whispered, still not daring to look up at him. You squeezed your eyes shut as though to brace yourself. At least you didn’t have to worry about crying; you were convinced you didn’t have the energy left to.

There was a short pause, but to you it felt like an eternity. Your words hung in the air, the silence seemingly a loud answer to your worst fear. But then Greg finally spoke. “I...Why would I fire you?” he asked, sounding genuinely taken aback.

“Because other people obviously have a problem with me working here,” you mumbled.

“Look here, kid,” he said, and you slowly brought your eyes up to meet his. “My wife has worked in the finance department for years, it’s how we met. I know she didn’t have it easy when she started and I have a feeling you can relate to that.”

You blinked, confused as to the path the conversation was going down. “I guess I can, yeah.”

“Your application for this position was incredible, I told you that on your first day. The work you’ve done while here is exactly the quality I expected it to be, if not better. Your being with this team is completely justified, despite what anyone else may be saying about you. It’s unfair that mockery like that is something you’re having to deal with undeservingly. Like this...name the other interns keep calling you; where are they getting it from?”

You scoffed. “I’d imagine because they can’t wrap their thick heads around the idea of a woman wanting to work in sports because she actually likes it and knows what she’s talking about,” you snapped, before immediately catching yourself. You felt heat rise to your cheeks. “Sorry, I didn’t--It’s just embarrassing. They’re calling me a jersey chaser because they think I’m only here for the guys in jerseys, plain and simple. And wrong, too.” You purposely left out that your relationship--ex relationship--with Shawn had only added fuel to their fire.

“And how long have they been treating you like this?”

You let out a huff of air. “Since day one, basically.”

His eyes got a little wider as he reached a hand up to run over the top of his head. “Why didn’t you tell me, or anyone else?”

“I told a friend from my department, but that’s it. I honestly didn’t think anyone would care enough to do anything about it. I can tell not many people like that I’m here in the first place, so what would be the point? They’d probably just think I can’t take a joke. Because how hilarious is being called a jersey chaser, right?” You laughed flatly, staring down at your lap and beginning to absentmindedly pick at your chipping nail polish.

Greg nodded, leaning back and folding his hands over his stomach. “I understand. Is there...anything else you want to add to that? Anything else you want to get off your chest while we’re here?”

Did he already know something? Whether he did or not, this was your chance to tell him yourself about Shawn; to let him hear the story from you first in the off chance he’d yet to hear it from someone else. But you weren’t quite sure of what to say, and you chuckled sheepishly, deciding to try and gage the situation. “Is there, um, something you’re expecting me to add?”

“Well, there’s been a lot of...talk...among the team executives about you. About your personal life. Which, if you ask me, is not relevant or appropriate for them to be discussing, but they’re my bosses so I can’t really do anything about that. But of course we’ve all seen that video on MLB Network, and it does naturally raise some questions. I wanted to give you the chance to speak for yourself; to ask you directly instead of speculating with everyone else.”

“Ask me about Shawn,” you confirmed, but then realized your mistake. “Oh, Mendes, I mean! Sorry. Ask me about Mendes.”

Greg laughed lightly. “I see you’re on a first-name basis, then. That answers quite a bit.”

“I--I don’t really know what to say,” you sighed, too exasperated to beat around the bush. You weren’t sure how Greg expected--or wanted--you to answer, and you didn’t want to say the wrong thing.

“Well, is Shawn a...part of your life?” You could tell that he was trying to choose his words carefully.

You huffed out a flat laugh. You could not believe you were having this conversation with your boss, of all people. “He was. Past tense.”

“And did that begin before or after you were hired to work here?”

“We met after I was hired, but before my first day at the office. It’s kind of a complicated timeline.”

“Right. Now--last question, I promise--do your coworkers have anything to do with the emphasis on the ‘past tense’ aspect of your relationship with him?”

“That’s a large part of it, yeah,” you muttered, looking down at your lap.

“So that’s where the ‘jersey chaser’ thing really fits in, then,” Greg confirmed, and you nodded.

“They thought that of me before that video of Shawn and I started circulating, didn’t think there could be any other reason why I would want to be working here. I couldn’t stand that I was confirming everyone’s stereotypical opinions of me, so I broke it off. I didn’t want it to impact my ability to get an official job here once the internship is over. I needed to keep my priorities straight.”

“Mhm,” Greg nodded, leaning back in his chair and folding his hands over his belly. “Well, I’m not explicitly saying that I do or don’t condone anything, but what I will say is that I think the hiring team would be a bunch of idiots to let you slip through their fingers for any reason. And I can promise you that, when the time comes for you to apply to work here for real, you have my full support. I don’t know how much that will get you with them, but I’ll back you anyways. I personally don’t think your life outside of work should have any influence on their hiring decisions, because the work you’ve turned out so far is phenomenal and beyond impressive considering you’re only an intern.”

You felt frozen. “So, you’re saying…”

“I’m saying that if you keep doing what you’ve been doing work-wise, I think you’ll be fine; all personal relationships considered. If you stay focused and don’t worry about the higher-ups, that new full-time Media Communications job opening could be yours.”

“Media Comm,” you mused, feeling your heart rate quicken in excitement. “That position operates out of PR; I’d still be with my department.”

Greg nodded his affirmation. “And I’d love to recommend you for it. Look, kid, I understand that this franchise means the world to you; it was enough to make you give up something really important. But I just don’t think that was necessary. Your work, dedication, and resolve speaks for itself. You’re gonna be just fine here.”

You couldn’t believe what you were hearing; you didn’t know what to say. “I--God, are you sure? I-I mean, are you serious?” Greg nodded, his mouth beginning to pull into a smile. “Thank you. You have no idea how important this is to me, how much it means for you to support me like that.”

“I think I might have at least a little bit of an idea,” he chuckled, and you breathed out a laugh. “And I also think you ought to go see him right now.”

“Go see who? Shawn?” you questioned, shocked. Greg nodded. “Um, well, I guess I will eventually, but I don’t get off until 6:30. That’s four hours from now.”

He let out a deep, bellowing laugh and you felt your forehead crease in confusion. “As your boss, I’m pretty sure I can work something out. Go, he should be getting here pretty soon to start prepping along with the rest of the team. Wouldn’t want you to miss him.”

You knew you were smiling like a little kid, but you didn’t care. Not only had you finally managed to stand up to the people who’d been making your life miserable, but someone important in the office was actually showing you kindness knowing what was going on in your personal life. “Thank you so much, Greg, I...Wow, I just…” you paused, taking a breath to calm yourself as you stood up from the chair you were in. “Thank you.”

“Of course, kid. Now get down to the player’s parking lot and wait for him. You know where it is?”

Your smile turned smug; of course you knew where it was. “Yeah, I do. I’ll see you at work on Monday, okay?”

“Yep!” Greg called, but you were already halfway out the door. You flew down the hallway to the ever-so-familiar Stadium Access door, not caring whether or not anyone saw you swing it open. You entered the hallway as you’d done so many times before, but you froze when you realized that your excitement had caused you to get ahead of yourself. You knew how to get to the dugout through these hallways, but you had no clue how to get up to the main concourse where the concessions and seating were, and therefore where the door to the team parking lot was. You’d hit a roadblock of sorts, and it was killing your mood.

You had to start somewhere, and you decided to venture down the path to your right and see where it took you. You followed it until you heard voices, and the closer you got the more familiar they began to sound. You rounded a corner and saw Kevin Pillar and Danny Jansen making their way towards you, and you breathed a sigh of relief as you realized that you’d somehow managed to pick the right way to go. When he saw you, Kevin paused.

“Hey, Y/N. Looking for Shawn?”

“Yeah, I am. Is he coming? Or is he already here?”

“I saw him pull up right as we were walking in. He should be right behind us.”

“Perfect, thank you so much.” Kevin nodded as if to say ‘you’re welcome’ and ‘goodbye’ all at once, and you decided to just stay put and wait for Shawn instead of chasing him down.

You leaned your right shoulder against the side of the hallway, tapping your foot on the ground anxiously as you waited for Shawn to appear from around the corner. After what felt like an eternity of anticipation, you saw his tall frame begin to come into view. He frowned as he recognized you, silently wondering what you were doing.

“Y/N? Is everything okay?”

“Shawn, hey. I--Shit, I don’t know. I got so excited I never really planned what to say.”

His brows pulled together. “Excited about what?”

“Long story short, work isn’t an issue anymore.”

He still looked confused, and he crossed his arms over his broad chest. “What do you mean?”

“Getting a job. I talked to my boss, told him everything about the interns and you and what I was worried about. He’s totally got my back. I don’t know if it’ll be enough, but he’s really high up with the team and he made it sound like I’d have a future here no matter what happened with my personal life.” Shawn was silent, staring at you blankly. You’d be lying if you said it didn’t make you nervous. “I’m saying we can go back to the way things were. O-Only if you still want, I guess, but you told me this morning to tell you when that happened and it did.”

“How’d you sneak away from work to even get down here?”

Your eagerness fell a little because he’d yet to acknowledge what you were saying, but you didn’t let it show. “Greg let me go. Told me to go, actually, was completely encouraging it.”

He sighed and turned over his shoulder to look back down the empty hallway, his face still not reading any sort of happiness over what you were saying. He grabbed your wrist and pulled you down a separate hall, out of sight and out of earshot of any of his teammates that could come venturing down the hallway at any minute.

Your heart was racing at this point and your mind was full of worry that something had changed, that it was too late and you’d already done irreversible damage. You felt dumb for assuming that you could just waltz down here and that things would go back to normal, as though you hadn’t put Shawn through extreme stress and frustration for the past four days.

The two of you came to a stop as Shawn led you around a corner, and he turned so that he was facing you and no longer had a grasp on your wrist. His face was still unreadable. “I’m sorry, I’m starting to think I made a mistake coming down here like this,” you began, looking down at the ground in embarrassment. “I don’t know why I thought you’d be more--”

You were cut off by Shawn finally speaking again, looking down at you with a smug expression. “Just wanted to psych you out.”

It was your turn to frown and be confused. “What?”

“Did it work?”

“Did what work?”

“Did I make you nervous?”

“I’m going to start getting really frustrated if you don’t tell me what you mean.”

“Well I was trying to freak you out a little by being all cryptic, but apparently all I did was make you mad,” he teased, but you still felt a little frozen.

“So that was all just to mess with me?”

He nodded, a shit-eating grin plastered on his face. You felt yourself let out a huge breath of air, the tension leaving your shoulders. “Well it worked, you asshole,” you laughed, and you were immediately swallowed by Shawn’s arms pulling you to him, wrapping all the way around you so tightly that you couldn’t have moved even if you’d wanted to. For the first time in days, something finally felt right again, and you were as content as ever.

“So no more of this?” Shawn asked, his voice muffled as he continued to hold you. “It can go back to normal?”

You nodded against his chest. “I’m really sorry, Shawn. I thought I was doing what was best for myself but I wasn’t thinking clearly and I never asked for help, that’s my fault. God, I was so worried you’d shoot me down for a second.”

He laughed, pulling away from you. “Why’s that?”

“Don’t know. The general lack of excitement threw me a little bit,” you giggled. “But in all seriousness, it would be selfish of me to just assume that you were waiting around for me to give a green light again.”

“Right, but I’m pretty sure I made it clear that that was exactly what I planned to do. Look, Coach is expecting me and I don’t want to keep you from work. But you can meet me in our spot before gametime like usual? We can talk more then?”

You nodded, grinning like an idiot. “Okay. But I’m going to need help getting back to that main hallway between the offices and the stadium. I have no idea where I am.”

---------------

Right at 6:30, you exited out of all of the tabs on your computer and immediately began to throw your belongings into your purse. You pushed your chair into your desk and stood up, swinging your bag over your shoulder.

Cassidy looked back at you as you stood up to leave, her perfectly arched brows knit together. “You’re not staying to watch the game with us in the clubhouse?”

“No, I am,” you replied with a smile, smoothing over your clothes. “I just have to go do something first. Save me a seat on the couch?”

“Always do,” she nodded, smiling and turning back to her computer.

You headed out of the office and down the hallway towards the elevators, taking it down to the first floor and walking to the Stadium Access door like you’d done so many nights before. Walking to the little room where you always met Shawn was like muscle memory by this point, and as you opened the door to see him already standing inside it was probably the most excited you’d ever been to see him. He greeted you with a huge hug and then took hold of your hands, and you wasted no time asking him how he felt about the game tonight.

“I’m finally getting used to playing without Justin,” Shawn shrugged, swinging your joined hands absentmindedly. “But this is going to be a tough series. The D-Backs are really good this year and I’d probably be happy if we could just win one game out of the three we play them.”

You nudged him teasingly. “Oh, come on. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Who knows? Maybe rookie second basemen are their weakness.”

He laughed. “Yeah, I’m sure,” he retorted sarcastically, and you grinned.

“You never know. Don’t forget to put your eye black on before the game, also. You usually have it on by now.”

He silently reached into his back pocket to hand you the tube, and you smiled in understanding of what he wanted you to do. You popped the cap off and moved Shawn’s hat back out of the way, placing a hand under his chin to anchor yourself as you drew the trademark black lines under his eyes as you’d done several times before. You were glad to be doing it again; it felt normal, and it felt right in a way you couldn’t describe.

You finished and took a step back to admire your work, handing him the tube back with its lid on. Shawn smiled, pausing for a second to look down at you just long enough to make you want to squirm under the heat of his brown eyes. You quirked your head to the side, looking at him in bemusement. “What?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugged, looking off to the side. “It’s just good to be doing this again. It’s like I have my lucky charm back, I’ll be back on my game.”

You laughed. “Shawn Mendes does not need a lucky charm to play well. He never did.”

He grinned, pressing a kiss to your cheek before turning to leave. “Well, it’s almost gametime. Guess we’re about to find out if that’s really true or not.”

“Wait, there’s actually, um, something I wanted to tell you before you go to the dugout.” You could feel your heart hammering in your chest, and you tried to no avail to steady it.

“Yeah? What’s that?” he asked, coming back over and nonchalantly grabbing one of your hands to bring it up and place a kiss on the back of it.

“When we were in my apartment that night...fighting, I guess you could call it,” you shrugged nervously, staring down at the Nike symbol on Shawn’s cleats. You could feel the rambling coming on, but you were in too deep to stop talking now. “You said something that kind of caught my attention, and I don’t really know if you meant to say it, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and--”

“Y/N,” he chuckled. “Just say it, it’s okay.”

“You said you loved me,” you whispered, your eyes still on the ground. Your words hung in the air so long that the anticipation almost brought tears to your eyes.

“That’s ‘cause I do,” Shawn finally said, matter-of-factly, and you snapped your eyes back up to his.

“Really?” you cried, unthinking. “Wait, shit, I mean…What I’m trying to say is...” You sighed, taking a breath to reset. “I love you, too,” you mumbled, kicking your toe into the ground.

“What was that?” Shawn asked, and you could hear the smirk in his voice.

“I love you too,” you said, still muttering, but a little louder.

“Sorry, one more time?”

“I said that I--” You were cut off by Shawn’s lips pressing onto yours, and as your hands found a home on his body you felt yourself deflate.

He pulled away, his palms pressed to either side of your face as his brown eyes bore into yours with an intensity you’d never experienced. “I love you.”

You giggled. “I love you, too,” you said, and you meant it. It had taken separation and tension for you to realize it, but you were glad you did. It was a special feeling, one you hadn’t felt in a long time and definitely never this strong. You were completely wrapped around Shawn’s finger, whether or not you wanted to admit that to yourself.

“Oh yeah?” he said, stepping back and folding his arms across his chest, a smug smile plastered on his face. “How much?”

“Don’t get cocky,” you laughed, and he grinned right along with you.

“‘M just messing with you. I’ll see you after the game though, yeah?”

“Sure,” you nodded as he turned away, but you weren’t done yet. “Shawn?”

He paused, looking back over his shoulder at you with a smile that nearly rendered you useless. “Hmm?”

“To center field and back. That’s how much. Good enough?”

He grinned, coming back for one last kiss. “Of course it is. I love you to center field and back, too.”

With that he finally left for the dugout, and even all the way from that little room you could hear the increase in the crowd’s volume as Shawn once again returned to his home at second base.

Taglist (I’m so sorry if it wouldn’t let me tag you): 

@ashwarren32 @d-arkestangel @idkseavey @yellowitsmendes @north1692 @calistheloml @perfectlywrongfm @gentleshawn @mariemmendes @shawnsmercy @wildest-dream- @shortieshake @shadowsndaisies @yourwonderbelle @madon566 @ruinmeshawn @itrocksmysocks @just-another-fan-girl-for-you @ilovejackavery @vnv21 @twoisalwaysbetterthan1 @planstonightbaby @lou-la-lou @greteeweetee @shawnyimagines @helpmemendes @overactiveimaginati0n @princessflutterwolf @justjustyncase @cali--marie @falling-stars-never-cry @ashftshawn @captaincorbyn @colorful-dodie @andreburakovskyyyyyyy @giveme-gaskarth @ayetami @x-seventeen-x @onlynarry @to-the-road @hollandechart @princessmendes13 @rare-breed-of-human @iamamuggleborn @prettymuchboodup @supernatural-lover-teamfreewill @jc-paramore @etherealchar @ykicantbefoundwithyou @choripxn @noodleboyluke @petit-funsize @heavenly---holland @the-claire-bitch-project @calumasfuckkkk @sleepybesson @shawnshufflepuff @zankivich @justanothergirl-80 @qxeen-of-hearts @begging-mnds @shawnsvlogsquad

[nyadere]

Reposting this bc the link got messed up when I changed URLs!!

My all time favorite Destiel fics, in no particular order. (More to be added over time) {last updated 10/08/2019}

Too Much TV Will Rot Your Brain by EndlessRain Rating: G Words: 7397 Summary: “Angel?” John asked. He had been in Heaven for a pretty long time, and had been hunting even longer, and he never had heard of angels actually existing.

“Oh for God’s sake,” Ellen said, “That’s your kid’s boyfriend!”

Notes: A short, sweet fic with mostly humor and a bit of angst mixed in. – How (thanks to Gabriel) Dean and Castiel (accidentally) raised each other (and Sam). by Vera Rating: E Words: 69693 Summary: In which, Gabriel meddles with the time line and Castiel becomes Dean’s angel rather sooner than intended.

Notes: This is a must-read, the writing is perfect and the idea is also perfect. Throwing Castiel into the boy’s lives from the start and the dynamic it brings is such an interesting take on the story.

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Destiel, Actually by Bloodism Rating: E Words: 15973 Summary: Picture your typical rom-com cliché. Now picture Dean stuck in that rom-com cliché. With Castiel. Because that’s what happening to him - a crazy whirlwind of your typical-and-not-so-typical cliché’s. He’s playing the main lead in all of them and Castiel’s his counterpart. Of course, the culprit is obvious. Gabe’s enjoying himself too much, lying back on his favourite cloud with a tub of salted popcorn.

It was about time someone kicked the two knuckleheads into gear.

“And… ACTION!”

Notes: Funny & light-hearted, featuring everyone’s favorite trickster.

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Angel’s Wild by LimonadeGaby, riseofthefallenone Rating: E Words: 389271 Summary: But that’s the whole reason he’s here, isn’t it? He’s not out here hunting Humans. He’s not even hunting deer, or bears, or anything else that featured in Bambi. He’s out here, freezing his nuts off every night, because he’s hunting Angels.

Sometimes Dean wishes that Angels were like how they’re described in the Bible. How people from time too old for him to care much about thought Angels were messengers and warriors of God, protectors of Humans. He knows that how they’re really described in the Bible is actually pretty terrifying, but at least they were told by God that they’re supposed to love Humans, right?

That’s a thousand times better than what Angels really turned out to be.

Notes: Another must-read. This fic is a huge, long and a bit of a slow-burn but its so worth it. One of the first destiel fics I fell in love with, an immersive AU with fanart included.

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Things Dean Winchester Loves by tuesday Rating: M Words: 3623 Summary: Castiel makes a list, Sam gives good advice, and Dean takes a while to catch on.

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In the Shadow of your Wings by Enochian Things Rating: M Words: 57268 Summary: Dean drains his bottle of beer, sets it on the table and gets up, heading for the kitchen. Maybe to fetch another, maybe to leave. But Castiel doesn’t want him to go, doesn’t want to leave this conversation unfinished; he remembers his regret of just a few hours ago, that Dean had never known how he loved him.

“Wait,” he says and gets to his feet as Dean passes by. They’re standing close – close enough that Castiel can feel the heat of Dean’s body, the vibrancy of his soul brushing against his grace. “Dean, I have to tell you something…”

Set after the S11 finale.

Notes: another long, slow-burn. The buildup in this fic is fantastic, dealing with a jealous and in-denial Dean while poor Cas is dealing with his own feelings. This fic is so in-character I can see it happening in the actual show.

– Everything Comes Back To You by VioletHaze Rating: E Words: 32970 Summary: Dean knew better. Of course he did. But Cas seemed so charmed by the antique-filled bed and breakfast that Dean went along with it when the proprietor mistook them for a couple. Telling himself it gave them a strategic advantage to be so close to the crime scene, he agreed to the weekend special she offered them. When the case ended up being a bust, they stuck around anyhow because hey, the second night was free…

Notes: I love love loveeee this fic. Canon!verse with fake/pretend relationship. Dean in denial with mutual pining? Yes please. – Sam Winchester Sees the Light (And Dean’s Awkward Boner Face) by YamiTami Rating: G Words: 2447 Summary: Castiel is falling and he has to start doing human things to save energy. That means eating for sustenance, sleeping, and learning how to use a washing machine. This leads to a revelation.

Shamelessly inspired by a gifset of Misha putting a shirt on.

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The Mirror by cloudyjenn Rating: M Words: 24568 Summary: When Dean touches a strange mirror, he’s whisked away to one alternate reality after another and it doesn’t take him long to realize the universe is trying to tell him something.

Notes: This. fic. is. amazing. I love reading about AU versions of the boys and this one has plenty of variety. Cute with a bit of angst mixed in.

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In Your Sweet Little Bungalow by annodominique Rating: E Words: 13680 Summary: All things considered, Castiel has a house. All things considered, Castiel has a life. Without Dean.

It has been seven years since Sam died, seven years since Dean left Castiel, broken and human, and disconnected from humanity. Cas had to cope on his own somewhere along the way. He chose a little town of Oregon to settle in.

Seven years, and Dean shows up at his door on a chilly February night, saying the stupidest set of words to ever be said to Castiel’s face.

“I was–just passing by the neighborhood. Thought I’d drop by…to see you.”

And Cas doesn’t know what to do.

Notes: This fic is so angsty but so worth it.

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When the Bough Breaks by captainshakespear, deanisthesun Rating: M Words: 73963 Summary: Years after the Darkness has been defeated, Dean and Cas are living the apple pie life in small-town Kansas. They don’t hunt anymore, and would like to keep it that way, but some young hunters knocking at their door have different plans.

Dean, Cas and Sam reluctantly agree to help out, but what ought to be a simple case becomes way more complicated and dangerous than they counted on. And when the hunt starts to invade the normal lives they’ve carved out for themselves and their kids, Dean and Cas begin to wonder if escaping the hunting life altogether might have been wishful thinking.

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Home is Where by ChasingRabbits Rating: E Words: 15170 Summary: Casual vagrant Dean Winchester blows into Palo Alto to check on his little brother. What is meant to be a quick visit ends up drawing out when he meets and accidentally ends up clicking with Sam’s strange, grad student roommate Castiel.

Notes: non-canon verse AU where Cas has Asperger’s and is Sam’s roommate, this fic is very cute.

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Out of the Deep by riseofthefallenone Rating: E Words: 488608 Summary: Stay away from the light-beds. Stay in the deep.

It is the first thing hatchlings are taught the moment their fans unfurl and they can swim without their parents to buoy them along. It is the first rule, the first law. It is the beginning of every boogey-monster bedtime story told when they settle against the cliffs to sleep.

Castiel should have listened better.

Notes: I cannot express how much I love this fic. Another huge AU with copious amounts of fanart and detail. Slow-burn, Merfolk AU. I will admit I was hesitant to read this at first as I don’t usually like mermaid/merfolk AUs but this story is so beautifully written and the attention to detail is amazing. Riseofthefallenone never ceases to amaze me.

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Going Postal by captainbarnes Rating: Not Rated Words: 6799 Summary: Castiel,

Hi. My name’s Dean, just Dean — that’s all you’re getting out of me.

I don’t really know what else to say, I’m not good at this and I really don’t want to talk much. But it’s for a grade, and I’m already flunking English, so I guess I don’t have a choice.

Your name is weird as fuck.

— Dean

Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak became pen pals because of a school assignment, and they tried not to get attached to one another. They really did. Sort of. Barely.

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King of the Road by loversantiquities Rating: E Words: 15890 Summary: Contracted out by the local police in Moriarty, New Mexico, Dean is sent to investigate the happenings around a church outside of town, the Angel-worshiping congregation reportedly flocking to the location in recent days. As it turns out, though, instead of snake charmers or devil worshipers, Dean finds an Angel crucified to the cross, said Angel unreasonably snarky despite being tied up against his will.

Turning over Castiel to the authorities, though, doesn’t work in Dean’s favor. With nowhere to go and Heaven having abandoned him, Dean agrees to haul Castiel across the country on two conditions–he doesn’t smoke in the car, and he doesn’t rob convenience stores in broad daylight.

God, Dean might actually kill him before this is over.

–

Rock of Ages by winter_of_our_Discontent Rating: T Words: 7430 Summary: It starts because they need a rock. Not, of course, just any rock, but apparently this particular critter needs an Aztec-style obsidian-and-jade dagger right through its human-teeth-and-eyeball-eating heart to actually kill it.

In which Cas gets a ring, and Dean (finally) gets a clue.

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So There It Is, I’ve Said It All by PorcupineGirl Rating: G Words: 3898 Summary: “Why, do you have something you need to say to me that you don’t think I’ll like?”

I think I’m in love with you.

“Yeah. I guess so.“

–

Receipts by surlybobbies Rating: T Words: 1391 Summary: He’s about to put the receipt down, no harm done, when something about it catches his eye. Pen ink, on the back. He flips it around and reads:

With Dean. He shared his pie with me. His smile was radiant.

Dean stares. Reads it again. Nothing’s changed.

What? -

The Fourth Wall by entanglednow

Rating: T-E (this is a series so different parts have different ratings)  Words: 40,339 Summary:  (There’s not an exact summary for the whole thing since its a series of 15 different works but basically the boys discover fanfiction about themselves and things get wild) I can’t believe I didn’t add this one before but its one of my all time favorites! I’ve read it multiple times because its just that good. Lighthearted and funny. This series also includes Samifer which I’m a big fan of (but if you’re not into that each part is appropriately tagged so you can skip over it). 

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Someone Who’s Feeling For Me by ellispark Rating: M  Words: 45,876 Summary:  Dean sees her for the first time in nearly six years in some no-name town in Idaho, and it's panic at first sight. Lisa Braeden, the one woman Dean ever actually had a shot at a real life with, back from where he buried her in his mind. And her hand is on Cas's arm like it's no big deal, like it belongs there. Cas, Dean's dorky, sweet, badass, angelic best friend, and he's just standing there next to Lisa and not moving her hand away. Dean feels the jealousy rising, and it's not directed where he expected it to be. Because it takes this exact moment for Dean to realize he's in love with his best friend. He's in love with his best friend, and Lisa is looking at Cas like he's the best thing since automatic rifles, and Dean is utterly fucked.  Notes: Lots of pining, supportive Sam, angst with a happy ending, the good shit.  - Everyone is Trying to Get to the Bar by Balder12 Rating: E Words: 8,111 Summary:  Dean still has enemies in Heaven. True!form Castiel to the rescue!

Notes: I love true!form cas fics and this one is written beautifully, the ending seemed a little rushed to me but other than that I really enjoyed this fic.

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As You Pass Through Me by wannaliveindeansdimples Rating: E Words: 30,548 Summary: Cas has lived in this house all his life... and since his untimely death. The last thing he wants is a new roommate, but it seems he's getting one anyway.

Notes: a wonderful non-canonverse AU with ghost!Cas....but there’s a twist! This fic is incredibly cute and entertaining and makes me smile everytime I read it. There’s a little bit of what could be considered dub-con in a few chapters but before said chapters the author usually has a note at the beginning.

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