#it's been nearly seven or eight years since I've seen these people

[i-am-a-secret-ssshhh]

Why are people I was super good friends with in JUNIOR HIGH suddenly following me on Instagram??? Like, yeah, we were really close, but like, seven or eight years ago???

[totaldramafan-lauri]

My Top 11 Favorite Songs of Eurovision 2024

So, with less than a week left until Eurovision, I guess it's time for me to ramble about it! Uhhhh....th-this year's a bit different than normal, tho....Due to writing exhaustion (from a big project I've been working on), I'm not gonna be able to get my normal big ranking post done in time.....but, I DO still wanna talk about it, so....this is my compromise!

I'm gonna only be talking about eleven songs - my top seven big favorites and four borderline favorites - and why I love each one! As always, there are gonna be a few weird picks in here, cuz my taste is....well, odd, when it comes to which songs I get attached to....but, at the very least, my number one is a potential winner, so I-I think that balances out my unconventional choices down the list, heh.....

Th-things SHOULD be back to normal next year....cuz, trust me, I am NEVER gonna tackle something like this, during this time of year, ever again....I-I should be excited, but instead my mind is just....picking me apart for DARING to take a break from writing, and it kinda cuts into the hype a bit....Wh-which isn't Eurovision's fault, it's mine. This is what happens when you work on something for months on end....even if you KNOW you need a break, you feel guilty for it...blegh...

But....anyway....screw my brain, time to talk about songs that make me happy!

WORTH NOTING: Even if a song isn't listed here, it doesn't mean I don't like it. I actually like nearly every single song this year. There are three I'm indifferent to (Greece, Malta, France), and one I refuse to listen to, but none that I outright dislike of the ones I've heard. These eleven are just my favorites.

1. Croatia - "Rim Tim Tagi Dim" by Baby Lasagna

Eeyup, still obsessed! This is probably my fav Eurovision entry of the entire 2020s so far (which, when grouped together with "Jezebel", "Promise", and "Cha Cha Cha", REALLY makes me wonder what it is about rock entries and me this decade, geez-). I-I'm not saying this is a masterpiece or anything. It's not high art (vote for Switzerland if you want a unique, artsy winner), it's just a REALLY REALLY catchy, and REALLY REALLY fun, punchy rock song, and that's all I need it to be to love it. Seriously, every single part of this song is addictive to me. The repeated "rim tim tagi digi" is infectious, the lyrics are quotable and fun to sing along to, the "WHOOOOAAAA"s in the chorus especially....and I dunno if I can justify my love for it anymore! I just LOVE me a good energetic rock song with a memorable hook, and this is one of THE best I've ever heard...It's SO hard to keep outta my head.....I literally could not be happier that this song is getting so much attention! It deserves it! While I'm trying not to hype myself up TOO much in terms of winner potential (don't wanna jinx it, since not a single number one fav of mine has won in over a decade), but I'm crossing my fingers for Croatia's best result ever! At least third place, c'mooooooon! Meow back, Europe!! >.<

2. Belgium - "Before The Party's Over" by Mustii

I already made a post talking about all the things I love about this song, but...screw it, I'm HAPPY to repeat myself here. This song has just....the BEST buildup in- n-not just this year, but like, in the past few years! I can't remember the last song that built so perfectly (was it "Goodbye (Shelter)"? God, I miss 2016...)! The first two minutes set the stage for the last one perfectly, being atmospheric and dramatic, while slowly revealing more and more....things ramp up in the bridge, you feel like pumping your fists in the air, and then, finally....BAM, MAGIC HAPPENS!!! BEFORE THE PARTY IS OOOOOOVER! Look, I have seen a few people complain that the big ending of the song is repetitive, cuz...it's the same line eight times in a row, and I get it, but.....I literally don't mind. I'm too busy belting that line to care. This is everything I want in a dramatic ballad. I could NOT ask for more. That last minute still gives me goosebumps sometimes. Maybe if the rest of the song were a BIT better, this could've been challenging Croatia for number one, I'm dead serious.

3. San Marino - "11:11" by Megara

I've come to terms with the fact that this is probably just a me thing. I'm not gonna pretend like this isn't a no-hoper. It is, but.....DANG IT, I love this song wayyyyyy too flipping much for my own good! I'm sorryyyyyyy! I can't help it, I just...get so PUMPED UP listening to it! Yes, it's not as catchy as "Rim Tim Tagi Dim", but I can love both! And I will! I EASILY have room in my heart for two banger rock songs! Plus, this one is a lot....harder, I guess? With less of a focus on being catchy. It manages to stick out and leave an impression, with the big chorus, electronic elements, "M-E-L-A-P-E-L-A", and that FFFFFFLIPPING AWESOME BREAK with the flamenco instrumentation- again, WHY DOES THAT WORK SO WELL?? When it put it in words, it sounds like it shouldn't, but it's SOOOOOO COOL I CAN'T EVEN!!! Ugggghhhh, Spain, why'd you reject these guys? They're soooooo much better than what you actually ended up with! But....a-again, this is a me thing, so I can't get ahead of myself. It's a rock song in Eurovision, so of course I love it. No one else cares about this. It's fine. I'll be here in my corner shouting along in terrible Spanish in the semi, and cheering for it loud enough to make non-qualification sting less! >.<

4. Lithuania - "Luktelk" by Silvester Belt

This is a song that grabbed me from first listen. I knew it'd be in my top five immediately, and yet.....I-I honestly don't have much to actually SAY about it...? It's just a really, really, REALLY solid club song, and I tend to like those a lot. The only real things I can say about it is that.....1. I love that it's in Lithuanian, even tho that means I can't sing along, 2. The pre-choruses are catchy and I love them, and 3. The instrumental break is SO good! Oh, and I guess 4. I've been waiting SOOOO LONG to love a Lithuanian entry this much, so it feels really great to finally have one. They really outdid themselves here. And they already came eleventh last year! Hopefully this will build on that and give them their first top five placing....altho in a year this strong, I'm not sure if that's just wishful thinking.....That's all I have to say. I just love how this sounds.

5. Australia - "One Milkali (One Blood)" by Electric Fields

Not NEARLY as much of a no-hoper as San Marino, but this is my other major underdog of the year. Honestly, it took me a bit too long to understand just why I liked this song so much, when everyone else seemed to be indifferent to it. THEN I learned from a video that this song, along with this band's sound in general, counts as synthpop. And suddenly, EVERYTHING made sense to me. Seriously, I have no idea why it took me so long to realize that-! W-was it the didgeridoo? Was that distracting me? Hardly an excuse! XD But yeah, looks like this is another me thing, then. Synthpop (and synthwave) is my fav genre of music. I-I know I have a history of fangirling over rock songs in Eurovision, but....I-I AM generally an "everything goes" person in terms of songs I love, and Eurovision just tends to get rock right for me, but outside of Eurovision, a good chunk of what I listen to is synth stuff. It's something that I tend to love whenever it shows up. And this is certainly a very unique take on it, with the aboriginal flourishes, and the fascinating lyrics that.....a-again, no one else cares about but me, pffff. Also, that keyboard? Perfection. Chef's kiss. Congrats on being in my top five two years in a row, Australia. Here's hoping your staging is good, cuz I still believe you have a chance to prove everyone wrong...! >.<

6. Ukraine - "Teresa & Maria" by alyona alyona and Jerry Heil

I-I was originally gonna rank this song a bit lower, cuz...I do concede that it's a flawed song. There are things about it that I wish were better, and cuz of that, I thought it wouldn't be right to rank it this high, but....th-then it comes on again, and I can't help it....I just fall in love with the parts I like in it all over again. Those things I love are HARD for me to shake, so....I had to go with my gut. To explain, this is kinda like the polar opposite of Belgium's song. This song has an amazing beginning that gives me chills, but then peters out afterward. I REALLY wish it burst more at the end after the rap. Instead, it just kinda...chugs along, sounding a bit repetitive. That's a shame, but....DANG IT this song is still so, so gorgeous anyway! Of the "atmospheric" songs this year, this is EASILY the best one. The rap keeps it interesting and makes it stand out, but.....I'm not gonna lie, the main reason this song makes it this high for me IS that first 53 seconds. Is that a weird thing to praise your number six for? Maybe. But....gotta go with what feels right.

7. Finland - "No Rules!" by Windows95man

Soooo.....now that it's safe to call Finland my fav country in 2020s Eurovision, AND that I have no shame when it comes to praising the songs I love......Look, I'm not gonna apologize. Yes, this IS unironic enjoyment. Yes, I stopped caring about the hate for jokey entries a long time ago (after our lords and saviors, Subwoolfer, came tenth). They are but a minority. Their words don't hurt me. I don't even care what's wrong or right. It's how I live my life. In the end, Eurovision needs entries like this. However, I do understand why you'd prefer "Europapa" from the Netherlands. Most people seem to like that one more, but....I personally like this one more. (And it's not Finland bias. I'm TRYING not to develop Finland bias, I swear!) The soaring chorus, the great vocals, the delicious 90s nostalgia, "See if I care, see me slay", "Let's go! NO RULES!", the flipping key change....It's a song about not caring what others think, and it brings out that attitude in me too. It makes me smile and turn my brain off, shutting out the ridicule of others. Yeah, it's silly, but I'm allowed to love it. Altho I do apologize to the "Euro Neuro" guy for breaking his one rule...but now, there are NO RULES!

And here are my four borderline favorites:

8. Germany - "Always On The Run" by Isaak

Now....when I call San Marino or Australia underdogs, I do so because no one else seems to care about them. No one really hates them, it's just that Eurofans just generally dismiss and ignore them. When I call Finland underdogs, I mean that in the "divisive" way, in that, yes, there ARE plenty of fans of them, but also a lot of haters as well, enough to balance it out and feel like you HAVE to take a side. When I call Germany underdogs....I mean THAT in the most traditional sense. Germany are THE underdogs this year. Why? Because almost everyone HATES THEM for some reason! Or at least dislikes them in some way! And I DON'T! GET! IT! At all! Like....the way people talk about this song, they make it sound like this song is the type of boring that loops around into annoying and pisses you off, like...it's not just boring, but actively mediocre, like..."not even trying" levels of boring. They make it sound like this song is the new "Boys Do Cry", and.....then I listen to it, and.....I-I'm sorry, but what is everyone on about...? I....don't find this song boring? I even...like it! This is one of the songs I've listened to the most, believe it or not! I legit don't understand the hate! This is a GOOD SONG! It's not amazing or anything, but it's legit good! It's got a beat, a catchy chorus, he has a great voice, and....the bridge of this song is AWESOME! Maybe I'm just a sucker for the punchy percussive stuff ("Some Nights" by Fun comes to mind), and this is kinda the only song this year that scratches that particular itch for me, but....c'mon, the BRIDGE! Ugh! *sigh* Y-yeah, I don't get it.....This is one case where I feel really confused by a song's reception. I get it for Finland and San Marino, but....The fact that this song gets bashed on for being bland and "generic" while it sounds like nothing else this year baffles me. Whatever. Not the first time I've rooted for an unpopular German entry. Favorite auto-qualifier, that's all. Moving on.

9. Latvia - "Hollow" by Dons

Yet another underdog, but this one's a lot more understandable. It's a ballad. From Latvia. Of course no one's gonna pay attention. And I'm fully expecting this to not gain any traction, but....I dunno, I just....like it! This is the most I've enjoyed a song from Latvia since.....2016, I think (which was also the last time they qualified....*cough*)! And I don't really have a good reason for liking it, other than.....I like his voice, and I like the chorus. That's about it. I like me a big chorus that can get caught in my head at times. It's just a good melody. That's the main reason I like this song more than France's (unlike most people). It's got a melody that I can latch onto. That's what makes a ballad for me. It's gotta have more things of interest than just "listen to how good my voice is". Melody, lyrics, and buildup are all important to me...Sadly, this song doesn't build that much, but blegh, they weren't gonna beat Belgium in that category anyway. For what it is - a good yet standard ballad - I really like it.

10. Italy - "La Noia" by Angelina Mango

This song is a lot of fun, and the way the verses flow is really satisfying for some reason. I love how it changes things up. It doesn't stagnate at any point. The instrumentation is also really unique and cool, and her voice is pretty. The acapella part is just long enough to show off her voice without overstaying its welcome. Oh yeah, and it's catchy! Overall.....yeah, it's a good song, and a fan-favorite for a reason. I would personally love to see Croatia or Switzerland win, but I could easily see this winning due to its universal appeal. It's got stuff that both votes will enjoy....pretty much equally, I'd say! This year is SUUUUCH a close race, that I really do think this song has a real chance of being the next "Arcade" - a song that doesn't win either vote, but finishes in the top three of both, and that combined score causes a win. It could happen! And I wouldn't really complain, cuz....yeah, I think this song would be a worthy winner! (All three would be worthy winners, honestly. God this year's so tough to call)

11. Austria - "We Will Rave" by Kaleen

I didn't really think this song would end up ranking this high for a while, but on repeated listens, it ended up growing on me just....SO much! Once I stopped comparing it to Lithuania's song, I ended up liking it more. This song might be a bit dated, but coming from someone who likes Finland this year, I welcome that dated sound! As long as it's fun, right? And yeah, I've never been to a rave, but this song SOUNDS like a rave. Even I can tell that! The breaks are great, and the fact that this is literally a song about partying the pain away fits its energy so flipping well. Here's hoping for a fun dance break to go with it!

And finally, some brief honorable mentions:

-Norway. Was originally gonna go in 11th before changing my mind at the last second. I still really like this song. I think it's really cool! It's just stagnated a bit for me as I've been listening to other stuff! -Switzerland. I respect the heck outta this song for how it blends so many genres together and still sounds good. I also really love the lyrics, and how its about their personal journey of learning to accept their identity. I really do think this would be a great winner. I just, personally, have other songs I like more. -Cyprus. I have no real reason as to way I like this song so much, I just....do. I like how much of a punch it packs. This is probably the closest I have to a "guilty pleasure" this year. I do wish that we'd stop sending minors to Eurovision, tho....It's so much pressure...Yes, I know the minimum age is 16, and teenagers HAVE performed well before, but....I dunno, I think adults would perform better? But, eh, not my place... -Estonia. Really really fun and stuff. Makes me smile. The parts with the deep-voiced guy really stick out. That's about it. -Ireland. I respect this song more than I like it. I actually don't listen to it that often. The reason I'm giving it an honorable mention is cuz, despite that, I actually really really REALLY want this to qualify. This has more life and character than all Irish entries since Jedward. I know a lotta people are gonna hate this song for being jarring, but that's the reason why I'm shouting it out. It's a risk. And I want Ireland to be rewarded for taking that risk.

[robininthelabyrinth]

Hi :) For prompts, do you see any situation where Wen Qing and Lan Xichen could genuinely fall in love with each other? Like, not just political marriage of convenience or whatever. Would it be a thing of being drawn in by their fellow older sibling-ness? Or maybe lxc's competence kink meshing well with wq noticing that he isn't as much of a vanilla peacemaker as his usual front suggests? I think it could be quite an interesting pair but I've never seen it done before, I'd love to see your take!

“Xichen,” Lan Xichen’s uncle said. “Show Young Mistress Wen around.”

Lan Xichen smiled the way he’d been taught to smile, bowed the way he’d been taught to bow, and offered his arm the way he’d been taught.

The little girl in front of him did not seem especially impressed.

To be entirely honest, he thought he might like her just for that.

“So,” she said as they walked through the garden. “What did you do in a past life to deserve this?”

He sniggered, then tried to stop. Levity wasn’t disallowed, to be precise, but it wasn’t really encouraged, either.

“It’s bad for you to restrain laughter,” Wen Qing said. “Venting of emotions is a key part of maintaining a stable mind and a healthy body. Trust me, I’m a doctor.”

“You’re seven.”

“Says the eight-year-old. And anyway, I’m going to be a doctor. I’ve already started reading books and taking lessons. Just you wait!”

-

“Xichen,” Lan Xichen’s uncle said. “Show Mistress Wen around.”

“How’s the doctor thing coming?” he asked her as they walked along the pier by the river. “Still taking lessons?”

“Yes, of course,” Wen Qing said, and made a face. “I live in the Nightless City now, you know. Not just visiting sometimes – Sect Leader Wen insisted, saying it was a better place to develop my talent.”

She sounded wistful. Maybe even regretful.

“Sect Leader Wen probably wants you to be a good role model to his sons,” Lan Xichen said.

“You mean Greed and Malice?”

“Malice and Greed, I’d say,” Lan Xichen said. “Wen Xu is older, after all.”

“I thought your sect had rules about talking behind other people’s backs,” Wen Qing said, but she was smiling again, as he’d hoped.

“There’s an exception if it’s both true and helpful to know,” he said. “You have to be able to prepare yourself for dealing with people, after all. I think you’ll be a wonderful doctor.”

“I hope so,” she said, and looked a little downcast. “I can’t even heal my own little brother.”

“Neither can I,” Lan Xichen said, thinking of Lan Wangji’s grief – his silence and solemnity, so uncharacteristic for his age. He had never quite recovered from their mother’s death. “Maybe we’re just too young.”

“I’m going to grow up as fast as I can, then,” Wen Qing said. “Race you there?”

-

“Xichen,” Lan Xichen’s uncle said. “Show Doctor Wen around.”

“Congratulations,” he said to her as they walked through the crowded streets. “I understand that your paper on the development of the golden core in early stages was extremely well received.”

“It was,” Wen Qing said, looking pleased. “It’s a difficult area of study, but I wanted the reception it would get – there aren’t that many women practicing as doctors, you know, so we have to try harder.”

“I would think the opposite would be true, with novelty acting as a draw..?”

“Novelty is novelty, but with doctors people want to feel reassured. They don’t want something new.”

“I suppose that’s fair.”

They walked in a comfortable silence for a while, browsing through the stalls in search of presents for their younger brothers. Lan Xichen occasionally wished he had Nie Huaisang as a younger sibling – so easy to shop for – and when he mentioned it to Wen Qing she laughed and agreed.

Sometimes, nothing more needed to be said.

-

“Xichen,” Lan Xichen’s uncle said. “Show Lady Wen around.”

“I heard you’re going to be competing in the archery competition later,” she said as they walked along the edges of the competition grounds, a dirt path that twined through the foothills of a desolate mountain chasm.

“I am,” he said. “I’m still counted as part of the younger generation since my uncle is acting as sect leader.”

“But soon it will be you,” she said, and her gaze was fixed firmly in front of her, not looking at him at all.

It surprised him how much he missed it – her frankness, her cheer, her solemnity, her pleasant silence.

She reached out abruptly and he stopped, looking at her.

“You should hide some of your family’s books,” she said, still not looking at him. “Whatever you can, and quickly. Just in case.”

And then she started walking again, the same casual stroll, and it was as if she had never said anything at all.

Lan Xichen added bravery to the list of her qualities and followed.

“I’ll do what I can,” he said, thinking of the trouble it would cause with the Lan sect elders. Thinking of the trouble something like this – a warning – could cost her. “In the meantime, tell me about your planned course of study in Yiling. Are you focusing on any particular type of medicine this time?”

Wen Qing looked at him then, and her eyes were grateful.

“Actually,” she said, “I was thinking of designing my course around whatever illness were most prevalent in the region –”

-

“Xichen,” Lan Xichen’s uncle said. “Take charge of the prisoners.”

Lan Xichen very nearly handed off the work to Meng Yao – no, he was Jin Guangyao now, and he ought to remember that. He was tired after that final battle, after all the work they’d done, the losses they’d suffered, and he knew Jin Guangyao would do the work efficiently and well the way he always did. Anyway, the Jin sect was less damaged than they were, and could afford it, and Jin Guangyao wanted the opportunity to do something well to show his father his merits.

But then by happenstance he’d seen Wen Ning’s face in the crowd and realized that he couldn’t.

Jin Guangyao had been disappointed, but Lan Xichen had insisted, and as one of the heroes of the war Jin Guangshan couldn’t exactly refuse him. In the end, the Wen sect remnants came under the control of the Lan sect.

He set up the new village they would reside in himself – fenced in, but on good land, ready for growth – and soon enough other Wens came drifting out of the darkness to take shelter with their remaining kinsmen, just as he’d hoped.

“Any chance you can show me around?” Wen Qing asked, and Lan Xichen turned to face her with a widening smile. She looked tired and was too thin, the marks of the imprisonment that Jiang Cheng had reported on not yet faded, and yet he had never been happier to see her. “If you’re not too busy, Sect Leader.”

-

“Uncle,” Lan Xichen said in a tone that brooked no argument. “I’m going to show my wife around now.”

[avauntus]

Yo you have My Country WIPs? How exciting! I've been meaning to read Messenger for a while, that reminds me.... anyways, can you tell me about and/or post a snippet of trillium??

Thanks for asking! (If you end up reading Messenger, I hope you enjoy it!) 😀

Trillium

(another WIP set in @staidwaters One more lie... -verse. Hwi & Seon-ho on the road.)

What we call the trillium ‘flower’ is no flower at all...trilliums have no above-ground stems or leaves. Instead, the plant is a fragile extension of its underground rhizome, a process that happens, hidden and secretive, for up to seven or more years before a trillium grows from seed to a mature, blooming plant.

They weren’t even two days on the road when they had their first (post-death) argument about, of all things, a horse. Yi Bang-won had, inconceivably, decided not to kill them after they survived the first round of arrows and spears. That had been an odd hesitation that Hwi could not recall having seen before in his eight years of service to the lord, prince, and now King of Joseon. But Bang-won had given them enough supplies for a few weeks -- enough to load down a pack horse, also provided-- and sent them into the wilds. 

If they had decided to bicker over the direction, or the degree of trust they had in Bang-won’s word that they would be allowed to flee if they kept their survival quiet, that might have been understandable. Instead, they seemed to fall into an unspoken accord-- if Bang-won was going to change his mind again, there was little to be done about it, and clearly northeast into Gangwon-do and its mountainous landscape dotted with tiny valleys was going to be their best chance at vanishing. 

On the morning after they’d left Bang-won’s escort on the road, Seon-ho had rolled out of their blankets and said, calm as anything, “We should stay here awhile before heading out.”

“Why?” asked Hwi, blinking sleepily. He wouldn’t mind the chance to rest, but-- “Bang-won is going to expect us to go further away if we’re meant to disappear, and the longer we linger down here in the foothills, the deeper the mountains will be into winter when we get that high. The leaves are already turning,” he said to Seon-ho, although he would have thought Seon-ho knew all this, already.

“I’ll only need a few hours,” said Seon-ho, and Hwi had shrugged and yawned. Fine by him, then.

...

Seon-ho nodded, but didn’t otherwise comment, and Hwi huffed out a slightly frustrated breath. “Are you actually angry about something, or just brooding?” Hwi asked at last, and Seon-ho’s chin shot up-- he’d been staring at the ground, but now he met Hwi’s gaze.

“If I went ahead, you could probably return to Hanyang,” said Seon-ho levelly. “Whatever this is that Yi Bang-won is doing, it’s for you, not me. He’d take you back into his service if you asked.”

Hwi made a face, feeling the certain instinct he always had about Bang-won’s motives-- Seon-ho might be right, but that would only be enough to save Hwi alone. Bang-won’s own suspicion of the people around Hwi would lead him to act, sooner or later. 

“Maybe,” he told Seon-ho, serious. “But I don’t want to return to his service, and especially not without you! That promise he made to leave Hui-jae and Ihwaru’s network and the Northern Forces settlements, Chi-do, Jeong Beom, and Mun-bok alone, to not kill you-- it only lasts as long as we play his games, and this is one of them.” He grinned a bit. “Besides, it doesn’t sound so bad, retiring to the mountains! This is what I always wanted, you know-- freedom and enough space to settle down and live well. It won’t be a noble estate, but…”

“Hwi, it’s fall, and soon it will be winter,” Seon-ho cut in seriously. “I don’t think settling down is going to be a possibility in snowbanks deeper than our heads, and Bang-won isn’t going to allow for us bedding down in a farming village for the winter either, not if we’re meant to be dead.”

“How will he even know?” asked Hwi, and Seon-ho gave him a look.

“He’s had men tailing us since we left his guards on the highway,” said Seon-ho, and Hwi’s mouth twisted, because he couldn’t argue-- that sounded right. “In any case, I’ve sorted out the supplies, and I think I can carry enough of them that you can ride the horse from here on out without laming it,” continued Seon-ho, still level and nearly breezy, as if this were a foregone conclusion and they were just repeating their next steps.

“That’s not necessary, Seon-ho,” said Hwi with a little frown, looking intently at the other man. “If anything, you should ride and I’ll carry the supplies; you were much more seriously wounded at the palace than I was.”

“I’ve recovered enough, and I’m not the one who was reckless enough to offer myself up to a rabid tiger in search of a crown,” said Seon-ho.

Hwi bristled at the implication in the statement. “There wasn’t another way to halt the bloodshed,” he told Seon-ho shortly. “Besides, who attacked us first? Yi Seong-gye. Bang-won had nothing to do with that!” He stood up and grabbed the cookpot off the coals with a hand wrapped in the folds of his shirt, and began forming the remaining rice into balls, briskly. “You want to prove something by hauling part of the horse’s packs uphill yourself, go ahead. I can tie you on to the horse’s back when your goat-stubborness leads you to pass out from the strain.”

Seon-ho huffed out a breath through his nose and smirked at him, as if Hwi were the one being ridiculous. “Hwi, your skin has been the same shade as campfire ash ever since we left the highway. It’s not me collapsing we need to worry about. This isn’t something you can wish your way out of.”

“I’m not!” exclaimed Hwi, then sighed at himself. He should be happy that Seon-ho cared, right? He should, and he was. This wasn’t Seon-ho trying to slash at him, verbally or otherwise, Hwi reminded himself. Maybe they could be the same as they had been, before Liaodong-- he’d like to get back to that, if it was even possible. That meant Hwi needed to try. He took a deep breath and smoothed his expression, even managed to laugh at himself, a little. 

“Sorry. I guess with everything, and worrying about Hui-jae and the others, I’m a little too on-edge. I really am fine. I’ve just been sore these past few days; I’m dealing with it, I promise,” he told Seon-ho earnestly.

“It doesn’t seem like just your arrow-wounds,” said Seon-ho, still looking at him seriously.

“Seon-ho, I know you mean well, and I appreciate that,” Hwi said, finishing shaping the last of the rice balls and setting it on the pot lid with the others. “But you don’t know me, now. We haven’t done much more than yell at each other from the opposite sides of a battle for years. I am fine, except I don’t like arguing with you about this,” he finished, meaning to bring the discussion to an end.

“Fine,” said Seon-ho flatly after a moment. “We’ll load it all back on the horse, then,” and they did, although Hwi noticed that Seon-ho kept some of the supplies split out into the smaller bag, as if he were preparing to carry them later. Hwi really didn’t want to fight, though, and left the organization of the horse’s packs unremarked upon.

It was a warm autumn day, for all they had been discussing snow and ice earlier, and they made decent time. Hwi was beginning to sweat more seriously as midday wore into afternoon, and he could feel the odd twinge and stab from his poisoned wound and stomach. Their supplies of medicine were limited, though-- they would have to find someplace to settle and work out how to contact an apothecary or doctor for more without alerting Bang-won’s men, and that would all take weeks, if not months. So Hwi resolved to save what supplies he could now, pushed on without the usual second dose he’d take at this point, with all the activity they’d been up to, and convinced himself that it really was fine. The pain wasn’t much different from his arrow-wounds, and those were healing. 

When Seon-ho paused at a fork in the road, Hwi realized it wasn’t just the pain-- he felt...light, almost. As if he could take a step forward and just float away. But rather than try it, he came to a swaying halt and looked at Seon-ho. 

“Right is more direct, but left might take us closer to a town,” said Seon-ho. “More wheel tracks. What do you think?”

 Of the two of them, Hwi had always been the more talkative, but this was getting ridiculous, he thought. Seon-ho was going to be down to single-word sentences soon. “Why are you so...tense?” Hwi asked, meaning to grin. His lips just twitched instead. “Did the Jurchen have something...against words?”

Seon-ho turned to stare at him, brow wrinkling as his eyebrows drew together, and Hwi took a shallow breath so as to not pull at his aching chest, then sighed.

“Go right,” he told Seon-ho. Better to arrive wherever they were meant to be going sooner, wasn’t it? 

As Seon-ho continued to frown at him, Hwi took a step forward down the right-hand road, meaning to show the other man how it was done, and his foot lost contact with the ground as his stomach spasmed. A bright flash of grey-white pain shot across his vision. He had a moment to be confused, and then was briefly, intensely irritated with himself before he hit the dirt and whited out entirely.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Ash/Athena AU: Unwrapping

In the Honor Bound / Daniel Michaelson’s AU with @whump-tr0pes , Danny sees Isaac for the first time since Corrine took him... and realizes what his mother did

CW: Threats of torture/noncon, nonconsensual touching (not sexual), referenced past torture and noncon. Dehumanization and pet whump.

“If you hurt him, I swear to God, Mom-”

“He’s fine.” Corrine waved one hand dismissively as she met a furious Danny in the driveway. She was already dressed for the party in a short black cocktail dress and a triple-strand of pearls resting lightly against her dark skin, black heels that she walked in with perfect grace. She looked every inch the pure power of the Michaelson group she was. “Oh, you look lovely, Daniel. You and your plaything will complement each other so well.”

Danny shifted, uncomfortable in his Syndicate suit. This one was new, and tailored to adapt to the weight he'd never regained after he came back, but part of him always felt the collar when he had to wear his suits now. Abraham and Ashley had made him wear the one he was abducted in to the parties, so that he’d look more like what he was, until someone paid extra to cut it off him while he was tied to the floor in front of all the guests cheering and screaming and he was bleeding and-

Stop. Focus on Isaac. You have to see Isaac, have to make sure he’s okay. He has to be okay.

“Mom hasn’t done anything more than get your new friend ready for the party,” Patrick said, standing beside Corrine in his own tux, salt-and-pepper hair cut close to his scalp. He leaned in to kiss Danny’s cheeks, one by one, and Danny met the kisses absently, his eyes still on his mother. “I promise.”

Patrick’s voice was low and melodic, with the same charming singsong quality that Ryan had. He and Ryan were the spitting image of each other, from the strong jaw to the sparkling amber eyes to the black curls - although Patrick’s had plenty of gray in this particular iteration of his appearance, and more than a few distinguished wrinkles besides.

“He’s got to be terrified,” Danny said, his stomach twisted in awful knots. He hadn’t been able to eat since he’d thrown up all over the floor, feeling the collar around his neck all over again after watching his mother order Isaac dragged away. 

Nate had fed him broth; it was the only thing he could keep down. 

His nerves were strung so tightly, singing with constant panic that he damped down through sheer willpower. “You could have let him stay with Nate and I last night, he-... he was probably so scared you’d, you’d kill him or something, Mom-”

“Why ever would he think I would do that?” Corrine raised an eyebrow, and when Danny just stared at her, she laughed - a soft, warm sound. “Oh, because I put a gun to his head. Honestly, Daniel. He’s fine. Mrs. Verona fed him a lovely charcuterie with cheese and fruit for dinner, plus plenty of wine. He was reluctant at first, but…” Corrine shrugged carelessly. “He came around, eventually.”

"... Did you get Isaac drunk, Mom?" Danny asked, blinking rapidly, trying to keep himself from getting angry and upset, fighting back the bite in his words.

Abraham got him drunk all the time. He was so fucking miserable and in so much pain, it was easy to just open his mouth and let it burn down his throat, lap bourbon from bowls they put on the floor while they laughed and said you like that, puppy? and then said he had to earn it-

Stop. This isn't about you. This is about Isaac. Nate has a plan. You can do this, Nate has a plan. Just pretend you want this, like you said. Just pretend you want him as a plaything.

Act like Abraham used to. You can do this. You can be like them to get him out. You can do this.

"Oh, hardly. He needed to loosen up, anyway." Corrine held her hand out to Nate as he walked up, wearing his own deep green suit, and he kissed the Michaelson family crest on the heavy ring she wore. "Any news, Nate?"

Nate nodded, straightening up and smoothing his suit jacket with his good hand. "Yes, ma'am. I m-m-may need to skip out early if m-my lead pans out. We have some r-reports - nothing c-c-conc-... Conc-... nothing that's a sure th-thing, but…"

"Of course. Go as you need to. I want them back." Corrine smiled, licking at her thumb and reaching up to wipe at Danny's cheek. 

"I'm twenty-seven, Mom, quit it," Danny said, batting her hand away, stepping back uncomfortably.

"You're twenty-eight, as of today, sweet boy. Happy birthday, Daniel." She smiled warmly, affectionately, and Danny managed a small smile in response despite the nerves still tap-dancing all over his skin. "Would you like to see your new boy? Ryan has been overseeing his final prep for tonight."

The sun was starting to set, lighting everything the peculiarly beautiful golden tinge that made the house seem faintly laced with magic. Danny used to feel comfortable here, at home.

He wondered if Isaac had thought the house was beautiful… or just hellish. Maybe they'd be alone long enough for him to tell Isaac about Nate's plan, to ask…

"Yes, Mom. I want to see him. I've…" Danny hesitated, trying to think of how Abraham would say it if he were here. He forced his voice to sound stronger, more certain, even as he felt ghostly cold fingers card through his hair, and had to hide his shiver. "I had him for five days. I didn't like having to go without. The whole point of having one to keep is that you don't, right?"

Corrine smiled at him - it was such a loving, proud smile, and it hurt Danny to see it. He had fought his whole life for their approval and pride, and had only received it after he had been held in captivity for four years. He had only seen this kind of pride now, now that his mother assumed he was done hiding from what he was and had begun to embrace it.

The thought of what she expected him to be - the very thing that he had been beaten for being, the reason people paid Abraham and Ashley money for time alone with him, for chances to hurt him - made him sick.

But it was what he was, what he’d been born - or adopted - into. Power, and control over their territory. People who did what he said, when he said it. The assumption that he would dehumanize and break down anyone he wanted if he wanted to keep them.

They wanted him to be Syndicate - but Danny’s mind had been broken and shredded alongside his body for the crime of his Syndicate name. He didn’t want to be what they accused him of being. 

He didn’t want to be what he was.

He would have given anything, in the moment he looked into his mother’s loving eyes, to have been in the car with Isaac’s team driving far away from here.

He could live with getting Isaac into the car with Isaac’s team. He had to play his part, and keep it up for a while… Nate had a plan but he had to buy Nate some time.

“Then I won’t keep him waiting on you,” Corrine said gently, reaching up to pat the side of his face. Danny stilled under the unwanted touch, but Corrine had never understood or accepted that he did not like to be touched, since he came back.

Not by anyone but Nate, or… or Isaac.

Danny swallowed.

That didn’t matter. That was ruined, too, now - like the rest of his life had been ruined and wrecked. There was no version of what he was that could not be used to break some new hope he’d had to fight so hard to feel.

Nate fell in beside him as they walked towards the house, his right hand sliding warm against Danny’s back through his suit. “It’s going to b-be okay,” Nate whispered into his ear, pressing a soft, reassuring kiss to his hair. Danny closed his eyes and nodded, fighting the heat that built there, the hint of tears.

He fought the urge to whine, to collapse, to whimper it won’t be okay, nothing will ever be okay again. He was a grown man, and he wouldn’t be weak, not today. Not when Nate needed him to play his part.

Not when Isaac needed to get out of here.

Corrine had Isaac waiting for him in a side room off from the main living area, where the party would be. There were already servants everywhere Danny looked setting up the hors d'oeuvres table, laying out the first platters of food just so, setting up the wine fountain in the corner along with the other loose bottles the guests could choose from. Danny felt trapped in a kind of terrible deja vu - this was his childhood, parties like this.

It had once felt natural.

Now, he kept searching for hooks in the floor that he would be tied down to.

Mrs. Verona popped her head out of the kitchen to wave hello to him and he bent himself nearly in half to reach her tiny height for the kiss to each cheek. His smile was more natural, for her, and the tiny ageless woman’s face was a starburst of cheerful wrinkles as she pinched his cheek, just lightly. “Your young man,” She said softly, “Could use a bit of reassurance, I think.”

“Couldn’t we all,” Danny whispered back, and she winked at him.

“Reassurance and fresh air. But he’ll have plenty of air later on, won’t he?”

Danny straightened, turning to look at Nate, who gave him a perfectly innocent, beatific smile in return. Mrs. Verona is part of the plan? Nate only shrugged and kept him moving through the room, Corrine ahead of them and none the wiser. Patrick veered off to speak with some of the guards, giving them their positions along the walls.

“So many guards,” Danny whispered.

“They’re w-w-worried Isaac will r-r-run, or his t-team will try to come b-back for him,” Nate murmured, keeping a hand on his back. Danny forced a false smile, pretending he was just enjoying the gentle affection, that they were just murmuring the sorts of things to each other they might normally say, on a night like this.

“Will they? Do they… do they know the plan?”

“Some. I t-t-told them where to w-wait, and when I’ll g-get him back to th-them. We have to hope they t-t-trust me. If they c-come on their own…” Nate frowned, picking up a little shrimp puff off the food table as they passed, ignoring the glare from one of the servants in return as he popped it into his mouth. “They’ll be slaughtered, and w-we can’t stop that.”

“They can’t be killed, or hurt,” Danny said, insistently. “We have to get them out. They trusted us, they were so nice to us, Isaac-” His voice broke, his whisper cracking apart, and he swallowed back the guilt that might eat him alive. “Isaac trusted me.”

“I know. I’m s-s-sorry it happened this w-way. But maybe w-we can make it up to him,” Nate said gently, reaching up to push back a bit of wavy red hair. It made Danny think of Isaac, tucking a little bit of hair behind his ear before the first time they kissed-

His knees buckled, just a little, and Nate effortlessly caught him around the waist.

Corrine glanced back over her shoulder, and saw only Nate nuzzling into Danny’s neck, whispering into his ear - a soft, shy smile on Danny’s face. She smiled to see them together, with a warm maternal affection.

Her eyes flashed a brilliant purple before she turned back to walk into the other room. “He’s in here with Ryan, darling,” Corrine called, and Danny took a deep breath, lifted his chin, and walked into the formal dining room to see Isaac.

Danny came to a stop in the doorway, staring at his first view of Isaac since yesterday, as his heart… snapped. It was the only word for the sensation he felt, pulled tense until he broke at the sight of a man who had trusted him with himself and his scars and who had been betrayed in return.

Isaac looked gorgeous.

And terrified.

He was standing with a guard on either side of him, his hair neatly combed and shining clean, hands folded in front of himself, eyes on the floor, his chin bent nearly to his collarbone. He wore a perfectly tailored suit that was so close to Danny’s, and Danny had sort of wondered what Isaac might look like all dressed up (or more accurately, how it would feel to see him dressed up and peel that clothing off him piece by piece), and now he knew.

Ryan was standing against the wall, arms folded, with a face like a stormcloud. “Say hello,” Ryan said, his voice oddly harsh and grating, and Danny’s head jerked to the side only to see Ryan’s eyes glowing a light yellow in the dim dining room light. Ryan wasn’t enjoying this - he was angry about it. “Danny, fair warning, you’re not going to like-”

There was a sharp intake of breath from Nate standing next to him, and Danny turned to look at Isaac again. He’d looked up, to meet Danny’s eyes with him, and his mouth - God, that mouth - was stretched in a tremulous, frightened smile.

There was a thick band of black around his neck, and when Danny’s mind allowed him to understand what he saw, he felt the collar wrap around his own neck, too, the constriction that dug into his skin and rubbed it raw and bloody over and over until the scars made the skin too rough to break so easily again.

Then he saw the reddened fresh brand - the M with its intertwining vines - on the side of Isaac’s neck.

“Oh,” Danny said softly. Fury came instantly, a fire he couldn’t even vocalize around, burning him too deeply to speak the words. He barely managed a whisper. “Mom… y-you, you put… you said you, you wouldn’t-”

“I know, darling, and I’m sorry,” Corrine said, with a tone that suggested she absolutely wasn’t. “And it won’t be for long. But we had to ensure he would be on his best behavior for your birthday party, and I knew you wouldn’t want to lead him. Isaac has promised to be very good for us tonight, hasn’t he?”

She shot a look at Isaac, and Danny watched him look at her with open fear before looking back to Danny and quickly nodding. “Y-Yes, I, I can… I won’t, won’t try anything.” Isaac’s voice shook so hard his words were barely speech at all, and Danny wanted nothing more than to walk across the room and rip the fucking collar off his neck.

He settled for being able to do one of those things.

He stepped forward, feeling like he was floating on numb legs, and moved up to Isaac - who cringed away and then caught himself when Corrine’s eyes cut at him again. Danny reached up to put a hand to either side of his face, and looked into Isaac’s frightened eyes. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered, just for him.

“Y-you didn’t have to do this to me,” Isaac all but whimpered, and Danny’s heart ached, a nearly physical pain he could feel slowly radiating out, right to the palms and the fingertips that touched a man he would never, ever have wanted to hurt. “You didn’t have to-”

“Stop mewling,” Corrine snapped, and Isaac’s mouth shut all at once with a click.

“Wh-why did you brand him?” Danny asked, and bit back the wail to turn his words into something closer to anger than the grief he felt welling up inside. With a brand, Isaac wouldn’t be safe. Everywhere he went, even if they got him out of here, everyone would know he was a Michaelson plaything. 

Everywhere he went, they’d think he could be tortured for Michaelson intel or sold back to them for a reward. Even with Nate's plan, it was a matter of time before Isaac was sold back to them, back into Danny's bed at best or Corrine's tortures at worst. He couldn't hide it, or forget it.

Corrine had trapped him in the lie Danny had told to save his life.

He glanced sidelong at Nate, who was looking at it, too, with that empty stillness he was so skilled at. He met Danny's gaze and gave him a small smile. "Just as l-l-lovely as y, yesterday,"

The plan is still going. Don't falter. Stay strong. Danny knows how to read the words Nate doesn't say.

Danny shook his head, trying to say with his eyes what he couldn’t say in front of his mother, not and have any hope to keep up the charade, to get Nate the time he needed to get his plan in motion. He couldn’t say it if he wanted any chance of getting Isaac out of here. “You’re beautiful,” He said instead, and his voice stayed even, and strong.

Oh, puppy, you look beautiful tonight. Let’s take a ‘Before’ photo, the guys coming over really don’t like your fucking family. Bet you give me one hell of an ‘After’ later on, huh? Smile for the camera, Red.

“You’re beautiful,” Danny repeated, and Isaac closed his eyes, lowering his chin again, shivering under Danny’s touch.

“Thank you,” Isaac whispered.

He hates me, Danny thought, and felt guilt crash into him like a wave. He’ll hate me now, forever. I just wanted… “Take the collar off,” Danny said in a low voice, without looking away from Isaac’s face. “Take it off. He’s already branded, you don’t need to collar him, too!”

“Not an option,” Corrine said lightly. “He will stay in line better with it on.”

“Mom, I said take it off, he doesn’t need a collar to control him!” Danny let go of Isaac and turned to face down his mother, but even glaring down at her and towering over her much smaller frame, he knew he wouldn’t win this one just from the way her jaw set, ever so slightly, and her eyes lit up.

“I am the matriarch of this family, Daniel Michaelson,” Corrine said firmly, a warning edging her voice. "You are my son and you will show me the respect I am due.”

“Mom.” Danny fought to calm himself. “I… I like the suit, you, you did a good job, but I can’t… I can’t, not with him wearing that! Not with our mark on him!”

“I told you not to do it, Mom,” Ryan growled from the wall. He was glaring at the guards on either side of Isaac, and they shifted uncomfortably under his glowing yellow gaze. “You know he hates this shit. You know it. Branding people is all your generation, we don’t fucking brand people anymore!”

“Don’t act like you’re any better.” Danny glared at his younger brother, usually wide blue eyes narrowed to furious slits. “You wanted to do the same fucking thing to him!”

“No, I didn’t!” Ryan snapped back. “I wanted to make you happy and having him stay is one thing, but I wouldn’t have stuck my fucking ring on his neck! I’m a Michaelson just like you, but I’m not a Michaelson like that and this fucking dog-and-pony-show pisses me off just as much!”

“Don’t say ‘dog’,” Danny whispered, feeling blood drain from his face.

Some of the anger left Ryan, and his eyes went back to their usual honeyed yellow. “I’m sorry,” Ryan said, sincerely, putting both hands up in the air. “I’m sorry, Dan. I didn’t-... I didn’t think.” He swallowed, hard. “You, you know that I wouldn’t…”

“No, I know, I just-... shit, fucking hell, Mom, you can’t do this to him!” Danny spun back to his mother, who watched him evenly, with one eyebrow raised.

“Do you want him like you said to me yesterday, or not?” Corrine asked, her voice very low. “Darling, did you lie to me, yesterday? I would be very disappointed with you and upset if you lied to me.”

“I… I didn’t. I didn’t, Mom, I definitely want him,” Danny said, swallowing hard, trying consciously to calm himself even as his hands began to shake. Be Abraham, be Abraham, be Abraham. “He’s fucking gorgeous, and nobody else should get to enjoy the, um, the-the sounds he makes but me.”

“Oh, fuck,” Isaac said, his face somewhere between ash-pale and greenish around the edges. “Oh, fuck no-”

“What did I tell you about language, Isaac?” Corrine said coldly, and Isaac flinched, jerking his eyes back to the floor.

“S-sorry,” Isaac whispered. “I’ll be good.”

Danny’s eyes widened. “What… what did you tell him about language? Is he… did you-... punish him?!”

“Not really. He has agreed to abide by the rules for tonight’s engagement. If he behaves for you, darling, he won’t have to wear it again. The decision is made and my decisions are final.” Corrine clapped her hands together. “If he is not acceptable exactly as he is, perhaps we will simply declare this whole thing a loss and move him to my basement-”

“No!” Danny and Isaac shouted at the same time - one with rage and one with terror.

“God damn it, Mom!” Ryan joined in. The impassive expressions on the faces of Isaac’s guards never changed, and the soft bustle of servants never ceased. This wasn’t the first Michaelson fight any of them had witnessed, and it would almost certainly not be the last. “Don’t fucking threaten to torture Danny’s new man right in front of him!”

“Right in front of Daniel, or the plaything?” Corrine asked, with a hint of a smile that suggested she thought the question very funny.

Ryan rolled his eyes and pushed himself away from the wall. “I’ve read Danny, Mom. He wants Isaac. That’s the honest truth. Come on, give them a minute before the guests arrive.” There was a pause, and then Ryan said, “Nate, you’re with me for now.”

Nate frowned, eyes narrowing. “M-Michaelson, I’ve said it b-b-before, I don’t w-work for you-”

“For right now, you do. I need to talk to you about this tip you’ve got on the runaways.” Ryan and Nate met eyes for a second, and Danny could feel the tension in the room rising, the way the two men always sparked against each other unpleasantly whenever they interacted directly. “I want to know what information you have on them, Vandrum.”

“Not your b-b-business, Michaelson.”

More silence, and Ryan said in a tone of deadly certainty, “I am making it my business, Nathaniel. So get your ass with me or nothing goes the way you want it to go tonight.”

“Wh-what the fuck does that mean?”

Ryan smirked. “I think you know what it means.” They stared at each other for a few more long, drawn-out, tense moments.

“Go on, Nate,” Corrine waved one hand dismissively, already moving back towards the doorway. “Go with Ryan. Daniel will speak with his plaything privately. Guests will be arriving soon and they really should get a bit of time together.” She smiled over her shoulder at Danny. “I know you’re angry at me for this, darling, but please… it’s your birthday. Be good to the guests. This gorgeous boy is your gift.”

“I could never ask for an… anything better,” Danny replied, mostly honestly, watching Nate's back longingly as he left walking behind Ryan with his annoyance and anger all but radiating off of him. Danny's voice was thin but he covered it, he thought, as well as he could. Fury still boiled under the surface, the temper he’d once had that Abraham and Ashley had broken and beaten and bashed out of him day by day. “Thank you… thank you, Mom. He’s a wonderful birthday present.”

“You’re very welcome, dear.” Corrine smiled. “Oh, and plaything…” Isaac slowly raised his eyes, not quite meeting hers, cringing slightly back against the dining room table. “That’s good. Learning to keep your eyes down when speaking to your betters. I want you to look right at this.” She held up a small rectangular disk with a few buttons and a dial on it, waggling it back and forth in her hands. “You will behave.”

“I will,” Isaac whispered, staring at the thing in Corrine’s hands with pure fear written across his face. “I will. I’ll behave.”

“Good. Bring your new toy out in about… oh, ten minutes or so, Daniel. The first guests should arrive right about then, and I’ll want you and the plaything in the receiving line to greet them. Everyone should get a good long look at my baby boy coming back to himself, finally, after all that’s happened. We’re a strong family, Daniel. I need you to be my strong son tonight.”

“Of course, Mom,” Danny said, nodding quickly, shifting himself minutely so he was blocking Isaac from Corrine’s direct gaze.

“Family first, Daniel,” Corrine said firmly. “Never forget that. We are Michaelsons first.”

“Michaelsons, first,” Danny agreed, readily enough. He met his mother’s cool, appraising eyes, and kept his face calm even as the muzzle scars ached, phantom pains and fire that wrapped around his face and made it hard for him to force his jaw open enough to speak.

There is no life before-

“Perfect. I’m sorry about the collar, darling, but it really is necessary. Just for tonight. You can take it off him before you take him home.” Corrine gave him her warmest, most loving smile, and he managed one, although thin and small, in return.

He held it until she was gone.

With the two guards still standing at Isaac’s elbows, Danny didn’t dare drop the act, or tell Isaac about the plan. That there was one, that he wouldn’t have to live this way, that Danny and Nate were going to get him out of here tonight.

He couldn’t tell him anything.

All he could do was step up, and take Isaac’s hands in his - the other man’s fingers felt freezing cold. Danny’s fingers were rough and numbed from his years with the mercenaries, but he held Isaac’s hands slowly up, rubbing gently at them, trying to warm them. “I’m so sorry,” He whispered, lips grazing Isaac’s knuckles.

Isaac jerked, like he would try and pull away, but stopped himself, staring at Danny with wide, frightened eyes. The thick black ring around his neck made Danny feel dizzily sick, and he tried not to see it, not to look. “Please don’t do this,” Isaac said back, weakly.

“I know, I know. It’s… it’s not all night,” Danny said, pulling Isaac to him. He couldn’t tell him. He couldn’t say a fucking thing to actually make him feel better. Not even a real hint. All he could do was put his arms around the other man, feel Isaac stiff and tense and frightened but apparently threatened too well by Danny’s mother to pull away. “It’s not, um, not for the whole night, Isaac. I promise. It’s… just a little while.”

Just a little while before I can save you.

Just a little while before we get you out of here.

Nate has a plan.

I wish I could tell you.

Isaac’s head dropped slowly onto Danny’s shoulder, half-collapsed against him. He’d dropped his head like this after the third time, Danny thought, swallowing against a rush of guilt and worry. Dropped his head on Danny's shoulder but from behind him, laughing, whispering nonsense in Danny's ear until it tickled and he laughed and tried to wriggle away-

Stop thinking about it, she ruined it, you'll never have anyone like him ever again. No one but Nate, not ever, no one she'll see or know about. Don't even look at anyone else ever again.

He couldn’t come back from what his mother had done, what Isaac had heard him say, just to save him.

“Please let me go,” Isaac said into the skin of Danny’s neck, and there was a sense of dampness - tears against his Syndicate suit. “Please, please just let me go-”

I’m going to.

“I can’t,” Danny murmured into Isaac’s hair, pressing a kiss there. Isaac was shaking, and Danny rubbed at his back with one hand, staring at the wall on the other side of the room, trying to think. There was nothing he could do to warn Isaac that the guards wouldn’t pick up on. There was nothing to do but let Isaac think this was real right up until Nate gave him the signal. “By tomorrow, it’ll be better,” Danny said softly, kissing into his hair again. The guards were staring - Danny could feel their eyes, and he slid his hand up to tip Isaac’s jaw, tilting his head back up, to look right into his eyes and press a soft kiss to trembling lips. “By tomorrow, you won’t have to wear that collar again.”

“I don’t want this, Danny. I don’t… I don’t want this. I don’t want to be this.”

“Ssssshhhh, I know, I know.” Danny kissed at the damp tear tracks on his cheeks, at his forehead. He tilted his head to look at the brand on Isaac’s neck, watched the other man clench his eyes shut under the scrutiny. “I’m sorry she… hurt your neck, and put that on you. I would, would never have wanted-”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you just… ask?” Isaac asked, pulling back just to look into Danny’s eyes. “How can you do this to me, after… after what happened to you? Why didn’t you just ask me to stay?”

It was Danny’s turn to drop his eyes and look away. If he looked into Isaac’s eyes a single second longer, he wouldn’t be able to keep up the act, he’d just tell him and the guards would hear and it would… all be over. Corrine would drag Isaac into the basement, torture him for information, Danny couldn’t keep him safe from that…

“Didn’t know it was, um, an option,” He muttered, and pulled back. “Come on, Isaac. Let’s go get in the line for guests.” He pulled Isaac with him, the two guards right behind them, and he kept his hand resting lightly against Isaac’s back the way that Nate would have done for him. 

Isaac didn’t lean in or pull away - he walked with slow, purposeful footsteps, and kept his eyes miserably on the floor in front of him.

I’m going to save you, Danny tried to think as loudly as he could. Nate and I are going to get you out of here, and we’ll save you, and you’ll be free and safe and far away from me.

Out loud, all he could do was lean in and say, gently, “You won’t have to stay at the party for very long.” 

The way Isaac turned red and closed his eyes against tears told Danny that the words weren’t reassuring at all.

[aimee-does-things]

The Big Easy Decision

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller

The whole world can change in a week. We've seen it happen over and over again in 2020. We started the year with the devastating loss of our cat Soggy. He was a stray who showed up at my doorstep when I moved into my last apartment in mid-2019. He would greet me whenever I got home, rolling over to show his belly. He was always happy, and because of the constant rain in Florida, always wet, thus the name, Soggy. When Hurricane Dorian was on the way, I got worried about the little cat that seemed to live on my front porch. I took him in, bathed him, treated him for fleas, and let him ride out the storm in my apartment. Once the storm had passed, my boyfriend George and I took him to the vet to get his shots. He stayed with us for three months. One fateful day in January of this year, I walked into the hallway and noticed a trail of feces. "These damn cats!" My first thought was to grab the paper towels and bleach. But why would they have pooped all over the floor? 

I looked toward the bedroom and saw Soggy's tail twitching. "Soggy?" I said nervously as I peeked behind the door. There, curled on the floor, was Soggy. Mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes fogged over, twitching. We were immediately in the car driving down the street to the vet. We were too late. The vet said she thought it was a stroke. We buried him in the back yard and spent the next week in tears. We had lost our baby, and the year had just started. It was devastating, but we were optimistic; it was January, and we had plenty of time to make happy memories for 2020. February and early March were sprinkled with good and bad. George lost an old friend to depression, but we got to see one of his best friends get married, and we took a trip with his Nephews and my son to the NBA Experience in Orlando, Florida, and had a fantastic time.  

In mid-march, COVID-19 had become a worldwide pandemic, and we were in lockdown. George is an actor, so he was entirely out of work, and I was worried that I'd soon lose my job. The bad of 2020 certainly seemed to be taking over. In June, I tested positive for COVID-19; even though I hadn't gone out (I had even been having my groceries delivered), I was supposed to paint a sign for The Riverside Children's Arts Center, where I work. I had been delaying it because I didn't want to go to the hardware store to buy the supplies I needed. On June 24th, I decided to wear a mask and get the stuff. I walked in, stealthily dodging people, staying ten feet away from everyone I saw, went straight to the lumber section, grabbed my piece of wood, and did self-check-out. I got back to my car, doused myself in hand sanitizer, and went straight home. Later that day, I realized that I couldn't smell anything. I was hesitant to tell George because I didn't want to be locked up in a room by myself for 14 days. But I did the right thing. I quarantined myself and got tested. It took ten days for my results to get back to me, but I was sure I had it. I was coughing, had shortness of breath, going to the bathroom made me feel like I had run a marathon. I had so much resentment for that stupid sign. 2020 was totally sucking, but I am happy to say I have made a full recovery, including regaining my sense of smell.

It's been a prolonged year. It's August, and losing Soggy seems like something that happened ten years ago. Since March, George and I have started a nightly routine of drinking hot tea on the front porch in the evenings before bed. This past Friday, during our porch time, we came up with a crazy idea. What if we went on a road trip out to California and back? We talked for over an hour; I gushed about my love for California; it's my home. The next morning when I opened my eyes, George was already awake, he greeted me with his bright blue eyes and sparkling smile, "So, are we doing this?" I knew exactly what he was talking about, "Yes!"

At breakfast, we had a more serious discussion about it. Could we actually travel across the country with only a few day's notice? More importantly, could we travel across the country during a pandemic? I guess the even more important question was actually, should we travel across the country during a pandemic? I know that the most obvious answer is no, we shouldn't. But I had spent most of 2020 indoors, and our recent venture out to Americus, Georgia, had me aching to travel again. So I justified it like this: we want to go. That's it. Now, I'm not thinking that I'm immune to COVID just because I already had it, and I don't believe that a mask is going to protect me from everything, and I'm not one of those people that's like, "Fuck the coronavirus, I do what I want." But I am someone who wants to enjoy life, and see the world. So we decided that we would go, and we would be as careful as possible. As someone that's done a decent amount of traveling, I was very uncertain about how exactly we'd have a fulfilling vacation with so many things being different. So we packed our things, and plenty of hand sanitizer and face masks, and we headed out on the road.  

Our first stop was New Orleans, Louisiana. While I had been to Louisiana many times, I had never been to New Orleans, and George visited last when he was eight years old. So it would be a new experience for both of us. The first day of the trip included driving through Alabama and Mississippi. When I was younger, I looked really young. I mean, when I was in 7th grade, I could have passed for seven years old. I spent nearly all junior high feeling insecure, and like I was being judged for what I was wearing because my mom would dress me in matching short sets meant for 7-year-olds. I thought those feelings had long been forgotten until I wore a face mask in Alabama. At one of our restroom stops, there was even a man that looked at me, smirked, and stood so close he was touching my shoulder as he browsed the donut case. He let out a light chuckle as I immediately stepped away, not just because of COVID, but because, ew!

We arrived in New Orleans around 3 pm, and checked into our Hotel. We had a goal to try to spend no more than $50 per night on hotels and had managed to find a Motel 6 for $47 per night taxes included. I love staying at fancy 4-star hotels, which probably goes without saying, because who really is against luxury? That said, I'm not above staying somewhere cheap, especially if it means more money for my favorite part of travel; the food. It was everything you'd expect a $47 per night motel to be, no-frills, and pretty shabby. The room itself was okay; they provided us with two towels, a tiny soap, and sheets that looked clean, minus the cigarette burns. We wiped everything in the room down with disinfectant wipes (just to make sure.) After resting awhile and getting cleaned up, we headed out to check out the French Quarter about which we'd heard so much. I was delighted with the Creole townhouses and cottages that lined the streets, New Orleans Square was always my favorite area of Disneyland as a kid, and seeing the real-life version was very exciting. We decided to go for a walk down Canal Street and Bourbon street because as tourists, that was our job. It wasn't terribly crowded, but there were still plenty of street performers out filling the air with music and a sense that everything was fine, and life is entirely normal, which is everything I would expect from Louisiana in general. The city's downside was a massive homeless population and panhandlers that ask for money seemingly every few feet. We decided to risk going inside a restaurant for dinner; we ate at Olde Nola Cookery, which we found based on online reviews. We both had catfish, which was terrific, and the restaurant staff took extra care to keep germ free. They wore masks properly, gloves when serving food, and even had digital menus so that we didn't have to touch a menu used by anyone else. After dinner, we were exhausted from our trip and returned to our rented rat's nest to sleep.

We awoke the next morning at 7 am, and by eight we were out at breakfast. We chose Two Chicks Cafe because it was highly rated for breakfast, and it didn't disappoint. We had their special eggs Benedict, with a cajun hollandaise sauce, and a croissant instead of an English muffin. The croissant was decent, not the delicate thousand-layer dream you'd get from an authentic French Bakery, but far from a Pillsbury recent roll. It was a respectable croissant. The poached eggs were really poached eggs; they didn't use any kind of egg-poaching device, someone actually poached this egg with expert skill.

After breakfast we stopped by the Metairie Cemetery, these beautiful old cemeteries are something I've always wanted to see, and I was so happy that we got to stop. We're now on our way to Dallas Texas!