#it's been a while since i watched a press conference lol just for this quote it's worth it

[racewinner]

maverick saying 'it's clear that as a manufacturer we are not the best for the starts'

[dimples-of-discontent]

My Cockles Crack Masterpost:

Hello, yes, did any of you need a little pick-me-up? I know I do. So I’ve collected for you all most of the Cockles crack that I’ve written. I left off collaborative pieces of crack and ones attached to long gifsets. But all the text posts (especially “Jensen vs. Jensen’s brain”) are all there. I’ll drop a cut somewhere since this baby is long but I hope you all enjoy. 

LONG LIVE TEAM DUMPSTER MANSION!!! 

Dabb: So, let’s have AU Cas.

SPN writers: Cool. Why don’t we ask Misha to do one of his accents?

Jensen: *flings door open* *pants* AM I TOO LATE?! DID I MISS IT?!

BONUS alternative by @postmodernmulticoloredcloak​:

Dabb: So, let’s have AU Cas.

Everyone: …

Jensen: *starts vibrating at a very high frequency*

Misha: …okay I’ll do an accent

Isn’t it so weird that none of Jensen’s kids look like Misha?

Jensen is CONSTANTLY hosting his own episodes of Queer Eye and every one is about Misha.

[Below the cut]

Jensen: *looks up suddenly and stares into the middle distance* *vibrates at a high frequency*

Danneel: What is it, babe?

Jensen: Somewhere…Misha is doing an accent. Badly. He’s doing it badly, but he’s still doing it.

Danneel: You’ve gotta go!

Jensen: You’re right, I’ve gotta go!

Somewhere in Austin a high-pitched whistle blows.

Jensen, holding his ears and running into the kitchen: Alright, alright! What?!

Danneel, points wordlessly at laptop screen where this is displayed.

Jensen: Oh no.

Danneel, accusatory: I thought you HID those!

Jensen: I did! *pause* Why would he look in my dirty laundry anyway?

*Danneel stares*

Jensen: Oh right. I guess he needed something to wear.

Danneel: Pretty dumb, babe.

Jensen: Hmmm…yeah. *pause, then, hopeful* I guess we couldn’t fly to Hawaii to get them, right? *pause* No, no of course not. *mumbles* Damn shorts.

Text convo, probably:

Jensen: mish miss you. send me a pic.

Misha: *photo of something random like an interesting leaf*

Jensen: no, i mean like i MISS you miss you. send a pic of you.

Misha: *photo of his foot*

Jensen: oh for fuck’s sake! *posts flex meme and tags misha in it*

Jensen: there now it’s public you have to do it. and you can fuck off.

Misha: *sends dick pic*

Me: god Misha has the perfect jawline. Not that it matters.

Lizard brain: lick it

Me: yes, yes if I actually had a real relationship with him that would be well and good but…

Lizard brain: LICKIT

Me: yes, yes I heard you but what’s crucial is that Misha is one of the very best humans out there not that he has the stubbled and chiseled jawline of a Greek god so I really think we should focus on…

Jensen (in the distance): oh my God! it doesn’t have to be a choice, dummy!! L I CK IT!!

Jensen’s brain: It’s Misha’s birthday. We love Misha. Say it.

Jensen: No. We are in public. I am just going to call him “the man” and post a cute pic of us in matching outfits.

Jensen’s brain: NOOOOOO…SAYITSAYITSAYITWELOVEHIMSAYIT

Jensen: God fine ok…but I’m using an emoji not words.

Jensen’s brain: Acceptable.

Jensen: And also I’m going to add “bro”.

Jensen’s brain: …. 😒

Jensen: So now no one will ever know.

Jensen’s brain: 🙄

(About this mess right here)

Jensen’s brain: hold his hand

Jensen: NO it will look gay!

Jensen’s brain: but…you are gay for each other? so who cares?

Jensen: Yes, but we can’t LOOK gay ok? So just shake hands.

Jensen’s brain: fine 🙄

**Jensen does whatever this subby, hand-groping bullshit is**

Jensen’s brain: is that…. is that how humans shake hands? in a non-gay way?

Jensen: Shut up.

Jensen’s brain: i’m just trying to understand

Jensen: Shut up, asshole

Jensen’s brain: 😏

Look, I know it’s not going to happen, but all I want in life is for Jensen to respond to Misha’s shirtless video by saying “Hey Mish, if you need a shirt I have a few old ones for you.”

New theory: Jensen gives Misha so many shirts because otherwise his natural inclination is to run around bare-chested and Jensen’s poor, queer heart cannot handle it. (Photo version.)

Cockles trash cat meme origin

So you know how you sometimes go out with you friends and one of them gets way too drunk and ends up getting confessional with someone they don’t know that well? And you kind of want to stop them but, y’know, it’s their life and their choices so you have nothing to do but sit back and watch and be equal parts mildly horrified that they are spilling secrets to a relative stranger and incredibly amused at how they will feel about it later?

THAT is how I feel watching Misha tell the same story, over and over, about wearing Jensen’s hand-me-down shirts.

Misha, you’re currently my intensely emotional drunk friend and you need to stop before you reach the point of crying in the club. Neither of us can handle that. Thanks in advance.

Misha on social media: hahaha…Jensen is my cabin boy…that means he’s a sub who likes BDSM…hahaha…gonna make a comment about a giant space tongue rimming Jensen b/c why not lolz…gonna post a pic of myself covered in white goo and imply that it’s come from the conclusion of a threesome with Jensen and Jared…haha I’m such a scamp…I’m just incorrigible…teehee…

Misha when a fan mentions clothing: WHAT’S A JENSEN??? I’ve never heard of one and even if I had I definitely wouldn’t have had any non-heterosexual thoughts or feelings about him…and we’re absolutely not so close that we share in casual intimacy without a second thought…what could possibly make you think that?? I DON’T EVEN LIKE JENSEN OK!!!

Stages of Cockles in Gifs.

I feel like Jensen is one con away from straight-up answering an only tangentially-related question with, “…and that’s why I love Misha. You do know I love Misha, right? Like, love love him, like the way we love our wives. I feel like you guys get it so let’s just move on. Next question!”

At the next con, Jensen and Misha will be projecting the words “JUST SO YOU KNOW, I LOVE THIS MAN” on the side of the building across from the hotel in case you somehow miss that message in their panels.

At the next con, Jensen and Misha will be screening a 12-minute video that is just them giggling while one of them films the other; there will be no lines and nothing else will happen. Fandom will deem it a masterpiece.

At the next con, instead of his usual classic rock covers, Jensen will be performing a spoken word piece about how great Misha is, accompanied by Jared on bongos and Richard Speight on the kazoo.

In the final episode we are brought to the realization that the show DOES exist in our universe and on our timeline and that this entire time J2M have ACTUALLY BEEN TFW and kept this cover story about being actors on a TV show to keep us from knowing what they are really up to. Most of the show is just footage of their lives, though some of the things on the show were just absurd and to keep us off track.

Misha Collins is an actual angel. Jensen Ackles is a grumpy-faced softie with the biggest nerd streak. Jared Padalecki is a fiercely loyal and intelligent guy who has fought off more than his share of darkness. Gen and Danneel are actually supernatural creatures though neither will fully commit to being an angel or demon. Vicki is too powerful to be captured on film. And of course Jensen and Misha have been husbands for years. It was hard to hide that one on the show.

Jensen: *does interview quote game on his own* Great! Now, I’m gonna go get Misha. He’s gonna be so terrible at this game lol…He has the worst memory and never watches the show…hahaha isn’t that so cute?

Interviewer: oh actually we weren’t quite done interviewing you…

Jensen: yeah but Mish is gonna be so bad at this and I can’t afford to miss that! Imma go find him right now!

Interviewer: you really don’t have to…we’re actually talking to you all individually.

Jensen: ….

Interviewer: y’know, so we can cut the clips together?

Jensen: ….

Interviewer: And because you probably have a lot of other interviews at this huge press event for your 300th episode?

Jensen: ….. Yeah, no, I’m getting him right now. Hey, Mish! Get in here!

Filming with JenMish (aka “why’s Dean wearing a seatbelt?”)

**Jensen makes a dirty joke and Misha cracks up** **Misha and Jensen playfully push each other around the front seat of the car** **Misha says one thing that is mildly amusing and Jensen falls over laughing**

Sanchez, conferring with Bob Singer: What do you do to stop this?

Singer: strap one of them down

Sanchez: You mean, like, tell them to get it together or else?

Singer: No, no. I mean LITERALLY strap one of them down.

Sanchez: ….

Singer: Why do you think they get tied to so many chairs? **sighs** These two have cost us so much in duct tape.

photographer: alright, everyone, fight each other for pie! jensen: mish, you should pull my hair. misha: why? it’s not like that would stop you moving your arm. jensen: …. jensen: misha. you. should. PULL. MY. HAIR. misha: ooohhhhhh! jared: I don’t want to be here for this.

Cockles is the gay booze cruise of ships.

a text exchange that probably happened: jensen: I can’t believe ur still going running on vacation jensen: nerd misha: hello to you too. … misha: awww, babe, you must really miss me! that comment is so sappy! jensen: shut up misha: you “dig” the “WHOLE THING” huh? jensen: fuck off misha: don’t I know it!! jensen: fuck OFF misha: now I have to go like it. … misha: ok done. you huge softie. jensen: not always misha: oh really? misha: how about now? jensen: not now jensen: call me misha; as you wish…

Jensen’s brain (Jensain): holy shit!! look at our hot husband!! mmm…we like the grey and the sweat and the beard and, hey, did we give him that shirt? Jensen: yep. Jensen’s brain: and he sounds all smart and sincere, which turns us on….WOW we’ve been apart for too long! Jensen: tell me about it. Jensen’s brain: Say something about how good he looks. Jensen: I can’t. It’s public. Jensen’s brain: You gotta. Jensen: I. CAN’T. Jensen’s brain: But how these bitches gonna know he’s yours!? Do you know how many people are looking at this video RIGHT NOW?! Jensen: OMG Jensen’s brain: OMG Jensen: they gotta know… Jensen’s brain: YESSSSS!! DO IT!! Tell everyone the sexy, scruffy, deep-voiced, poetry-reciting motherfucker standing in the sunlight belongs to you! Jensen: I can’t say that. I’m just..gonna…tease him? about something? Jensen’s brain: u serious? 😒 Jensen: Well…no… Jensen’s brain: tell him you like the whole package! Jensen: I cannot use the word “package” about Misha in public. Jensen’s brain: 😏 Jensen’s brain: Fine! Can you at least mention how strong he is? Jensen: … I guess that’s less…gay… Jensen’s brain: uh-huh, sure. way less gay. 🙄 Jensen: ok, I did it. now leave me alone. I have to post a picture of my family so that no one suspects I only logged in because I have alerts set for Misha. Jensen’s brain: … Jensen’s brain: hey, you know who looks sexy in flannel PJs?? Jensen: ALRIGHT THAT’S IT

me: *wakes up in a cold sweat and sits upright in bed*

But how much of the mockumentary did Jensen shoot??!?

Misha is busting out of his shirt and jacket in those EW pics again, which makes me think something like this exchange must have taken place:

EW stylists: So, what size is Misha? SPN costumers: Eh, he’s the small one. EW stylists: But…he doesn’t…look small? SPN costumers: Nah, trust us, he’s the small one. EW stylists: Uh, looks more like he’s a 6’ wall of muscle but ok Misha: What’s a clothes? I will wear it. *Jensen sobbing in the background*

”I’m Full Frontal in Here Dude: Guest Starring Misha Collins” title of Jensen’s sex tape.

Jensen’s brain: you should give Misha that valentine.

Jensen: Yeah, good. It will work for the video. Like, as a joke.

Jensen’s brain: no. not joke. he’s your valentine.

Jensen: No he’s…

Jensen’s brain: you can’t lie to me. I’m you.

Jensen: shit. that’s true.

…

Jensen’s brain: Sooooo…valentine?

Jensen: Fine, but I’m gonna call him “buddy” when I give it to him.

Jensen’s brain: 😐

Jensen: People can’t KNOW!!

Jensen’s brain: You literally just called him your valentine on camera on a livestream but OK WHATEVER make sure you say “buddy.”

Jensen: I did WHAT??!

Jensen’s brain: Why do I bother? 🙄

Destiel AU where Cas is a poet who writes secret poems for Dean and posts them anonymously to an Instagram account that he gets Dean to follow and Dean falls in love with the mystery man he feels is speaking to him…and then realizes it was the guy he already crushed on from afar.

aka AU where Destiel is Cockles (with some tiny changes)

[borisbubbles]

ESC 2019 Preshow #09

09. ITALY Mahmood - “Soldi” Autoqualifier

👏SOL 👏 DI 👏 SOL👏 DI 👏

ENTRY ANALYSIS

Much like Jonida, Mahmood sort of slipped for me when I grew more attached to other songs, but that does not mean he’s not fucking amazing! I, too, fell in love with “Soldi” on first listen when I noticed the lyrics rhymed “Ramadan” with “Jackie Chan”. 😍 😍 😍 😍. 

Other amazing things about “Soldi” include: the 👏 use 👏 of 👏 clapping 👏 as 👏 punctuation 👏, the ~Iconic~ lines in Arabic during the middle eight and the wonderful message. It was the FIRST SONG IN THIS YEAR WHICH MADE ME SHED A TEAR!!!  😭😭😭 I don’t know how or why, but I listened to the song with translated lyrics and it just *clicked* for me. I WAS LYING SICK IN BED WITH THE FLU, OKAY. Forgive me my momentary weakness!!!

So is it any wonder “Soldi” was greeted with near-unanimous critical acclaim and support? No, of course not. It’s a fantastic song and 100% deserved to win San Remo!

...

okay, so San Remo...  I did *NOT* watch it but I’m aware of Irama, Loredana and Simone, so consider those the reps if I had bothered with an NF corner. Ideal Husband Material, Blue-haired Rocker Hag and Random Dude Who Reads Poetry (not sings. reads.) respectively <3

Slated to win San Remo this year was Ultimo, who entered San Remo with some pretentious piano ballad called “I tuoi particulari” which as the name implies was particularly boring. God what a yawnfest. However, it as also the audience favourite somehow? Him?

So, the juries marked it down just enough so ‘Soldi’ won instead because again, BORING don’t work. Ultimo, instead of being like “well I lost, but oh well, I wasn’t going to Eurovision anyway*”, showed his true Salvador colours by throwing a temper tantrum on social media and spent the entire press conference uglysobbing about how quality was denied (his own words! He refered to *himself* as quality!).

(*he said he would never do Eurovision because he believes it is Eurovision is beneath him 😬)  Oh and some right-wing Forza politicians chimed with their usual drivel that Mahmood was unfit to represent Italy because Mahmood is gay & half-arabic while Italy is a vafanculo blob of fragile masculinity which can only be properly represented by drug-riggen, ugly-tattoo’d brats. Guess what? WE 👏 DON’T👏 CARE. 👏 FOR YOUR 👏 MODERN TIME 👏 PREACHIN’  👏 FORTUNATELY, Mahmood agreed to do ESC (after a week long thinking period lol) and all was well in this world . 👏 ANOTHER VICTORY FOR QUALITY  👏

Edit note: it has become apparent that my brash and snarky assesment was largely malinformed, but user @wingednerdydude​  provided a pretty detailed summation of the situation. 

It’s a quite long explanation I’ll put a tl;dr to appease the fans:  Ultimo did indeed not take the loss well, but the media also took an off-hand comment he made about Mahmood out of context and he retaliated, which led a lot of a unnecessary drama and mutual poo-slinging. It’s not just the ESC fans that overdramatize shit, who knew. 

For those who want to read it:

Ultimo never insulted Mahmood or said one single bad thing about him or that his song was better than Soldi, let's make this clear from the start. It's also true that he never even said anything complimenting him or his song. Mahmood actually said he never spoke to him nor heard from him in any way. The only thing Ultimo ever said is that he is happy for Mahmood and his success, that's it. If Ultimo really did compliment him then I never read or watched such interview

The mess during Sanremo's press conference blew up right when Ultimo said he was happy for (I'm quoting) "the other ragazzo, Mahmood". Ragazzo is a really neutral term in Italian, it just means young man, I wouldn't know how to traslate it. The journalists found it "insulting" for some weird reason (Mahmood actually said he thinks it's a totally okay term) and said Ultimo was disrespecting him. More context: Ultimo clearly was disappointed about his 2nd place

The press knew it and since the moment he entered the press room they literally started rubbing his missed victory in his face and kept asking him "yeah, but don't you think you should have won?". Ultimo eventually got pissed like mad and rightfully so. They were literally trying to make him lose his temper because they knew he had a bad character and was disappointed. They wanted a scoop and they got it.

Ultimo told the journalists that they were just trying to get an article out of it and that any thing he would say, they would turn it into something else. Then he said (quoting) "I'm fucking done with you". Boom, all of the press room went crazy and started throwing insults at him (sore loser, shit, bastard, ungrateful etc...). At some point Mahmood entered the room and the situation got chill again. By the way, look at the Il Volo guys while he speaks. They agreed.

Which takes us to the next step: why did Ultimo explode like that? I'll get ther: the day after there was a tv program the contestants were supposed to take part in. Ultimo didn't show up. It was full of journalists who obviously insulted him, they showed the clip of Ultimo insulting the press. One of the journalists though, she gave no fucks and just said the things as they were: and that is, the press insulted him. Not only after Ultimo's insults, but also earlier.

Ultimo wasn't the only artist who got insulted: the guys from Il Volo were too, during their performance and while the results were being announced (everyone cheered cause they hadn't won). The journalist says there were clips of it. Ups, looks like they "couldn't show them". Funny how they found Ultimo insulting journalists, but not the opposite. And those videos exist. In particular, there was a video of Ultimo being insulted by press, days before

There were a lot of talks, clickbaity articles written etc... Ultimo tried speaking in a video he posted and told his point of view. Now, mind you, I don't agree with some of the stuff he said. He said that he was sad about the whole thing and that it had been blown out of proportion, his words twisted to show him like the bad guy. And this is true if you read what I wrote. About the results: he was pissed because he had won the televote by a very large margin but lost.

Here I think he was really wrong, cause those are the rules, jury and televote results add up to the final result, it's maths. It may be disappointing, but that's how it is. Still, he was sad that people had to PAY to vote and their votes didn't matter in the end to choose the actual winner. Debatable. But he did make a good point about one thing: the jury votes are made of the votes of some experts (they're like 10 and actually often are people with no music knowledge)

 And the rest of the jury votes are journalists. Now, wait a second: the same journalists who threw personal insults at him and Il Volo for no reason if not a personal anthipathy were the ones deciding if they could win or not. Now this is interesting, cause the jury is supposed to be unbiased. His complaining about this is just right in my opinion, something should have been done about it (journalists faced no consequences for their insults to contestants).

This is where the whole thing ended. Ultimo just asked not to speak about it again, Sanremo's week has now well passed and everyone moved on, so that's literally all. I hope I was of some help to better understand the situation. And please guys, no fighting, let's just enjoy Mahmood's song.

 AND LET US NEVER SPEAK OF HIM EVER AGAIN!!!!!! ~moving on~

Autoqualifier Odds: very good

The most important thing one has to take away from “Soldi” is that it’s a fucking excellent song. There’s a reason it received near-universal critical acclaim from all sources.  

But, as the saying goes, it’s not the song but what you do with it. Mahmood is making great ~live performance progress~ as more pre-parties are showing his growing expertise, but at the same time I feel like everyone has sort of forgotten about him as a potential winner? Actually my friends posited the idea that Mahmood might be a Jamala-esque winner (by finishing second in both jury AND televote) and I think that is an intriguing possibility we should consider! If Duncan somehow doesn’t come through (and he won’t because Expected Winner’s Curse), it will be Mahmood who shall pick up the pieces and win instead. (unless the audience wants to go for the novelty act again, in which case Hatari or Bilal will win) I recognize that Mahmood could go down the usual Italy trajectory and be sandbagged by juries into a mid top 10 placement, I guess. I don’t want to get my hopes up and overrate his odds like I did with Gabbani. Even under the worst circumstance, Mahmood is definitely finishing somewhere in the top 10 though, as all Italian men (fragile or not) do. 

Projected placement: 1st-8th in the Grand Final.

Link to the masterpost

[regrettablewritings]

Dios Meme-o! (Rafael Barba Mini-Series, Pt. 3)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8

Rafael’s poisons of choice (coffee and scotch) could be divided up between day and night respectively. The coffee was for obvious reasons: To keep him awake and alert, to keep him going even when his work day was driving him to the brink of insanity (as it did all too often). The use of the scotch was also typically obvious: To drown out the stresses of the day, its trials hardly ever actually being over in the grand scheme of things. A cool down of sorts to balance out the caffeinated upper.

This evening, however? Rafael wasn’t sure exactly what the scotch was trying to boot off: the stress of the workday, or the revelation that he now appeared to have a small following? He decided the answer to be both as he took another sip of his drink. He wanted to believe that it was more so the former option but there was just something about the latter that made it stand so firmly in his mind.

Probably had something to do with the fact that even after the messages sent to him about his occupation and . . . tum (Rafael fought off the desire to shudder at the word), Carisi and Rollins continued to send him two more posts of a similar vein.

Where were they even specifically even getting all these? Rafael wondered. His eyes landed on his laptop.

Words and pictures travel fast, Rollins’ voice echoed. But just how fast was what Rafael wondered.

Against his better judgement, he committed a dangerous act born of morbid curiosity, enhanced by the slow but certain influx of bourbon into his system: He typed his own name into Google.

The first few results were what he expected: References to his past cases, articles on his most recent feats of interest, a handful of articles on his words at the most recent press conference.  

. . . Then there was what came after.

Rafael had heard about Tumblr, but not much if he had to be honest. Sites like Twitter or Facebook or other niche sites tended to be more of what he faced on a regular basis. But a site specifically platformed for blogging surprisingly did not cross his path as often as one might think. It therefore posed within him a sense of worry that the first time he would approach Tumblr would be because his name had become a tag on the site.

He was right to worry.

The deep blue background was offset by an assault on the eyes: text posts here, pictures there, gif sets of his past quotes to cameras before or after a court case, but mostly of him during his speech at the press conference.

His eyes weren’t sure where to look first, where to escape from first but no matter where he went, he’d always end up somewhere just as bizarre.

Some posts were weird –

“God those hands – like fricken’ face-huggers! I want them to smother me!!!” Without thinking, Rafael looked at his hands. He never really noted them as being big, per se. And despite the copious amounts of likes and reblogs featured in the notes section, and that nobody could even see them as they were now in real life, he couldn’t help but want to hide them.

At least three more Tum™ posts in either text or picture form with quadruple the notes and responses. In that moment, he began to strongly consider dieting and nearly opened up a new tab to research for that specific consideration.

“Lookit them veins in his hand. I wanna suck a hickey on them. Just slurp ‘em up like noodles.” . . . What?

Some were surprisingly nice, if not composed in a more bombastic way than what he felt was necessary or was used to –

“Oh, look at his tie!! I love that pattern!!” He had to admit, he himself was quite fond that the pink paisley tie they spoke of.

“Holy crap, you guys, he has green eyes! GREEN FREAKING EYES!!!” A little excited over something he’d considered uninteresting, but Rafael couldn’t stop the faint flutter of pride bubbling within him.

“His hair looks so smooth. He needs to be allowed to grow his hair out, he’d have beautiful long hair!” That made his lips purse. His hair hadn’t been long since high school, and even then it barely reached his shoulders. Frankly, his hair tended to get a little fluffy the longer it grew anyway.

“Handsome, dresses nicely, works hard, is a feminist – guys, I think I’m in love.” Yet another huge jump over something he didn’t consider to be too big of a deal. (But at least this person appeared to have decent standards.)

“Ok but it should be illegal to work a suit like that.” The self-importance fluttered a bit harder, both for the suggestion that he not only looked good, but for the fact that the ensembles he prided himself on were actually appreciated by complete strangers.

“Steal his look”, complete with clothes and accessories very similar to his own but for a fraction of the cost (how economic of them).

– Before dipping right back into weirdness . . .

“D.A. stands for ‘Dat Azz’” proclaimed Foodlemynoodle, who was ever so kind as to include a photo taken by the press of Rafael’s retreating form with a second picture edited to focus specifically on his ass.

“Barba looks like the type of guy who’s a stern lawyer in the streets but a spicy papi in the sheets <3.” There was so much wrong with that suggestion that Rafael didn’t know where to start.

“don’t you just wanna use his tie to tug him down and make out w/him?” The multiple notes responded all agreed. This worried Rafael, as tugging on someone’s tie could be very uncomfortable.

“I’d rather snap those suspenders tbqh,” came the response. Rafael grimaced, the memory of pain from previous accidental snappings becoming vivid for a brief moment.

“i want dat sloppy papi dick™,” announced one user, adding a gif of Spongebob Squarepants fervently licking a picture of Rafael that had been photoshopped into the original image.

It went on like this, growing increasingly more awkward and disconcerting by the scroll. It was only out of curiosity that Rafael kept going. That sick, masochistic curiosity and intrigue that compels someone to watch a train wreck or a distressingly bad YouTube video that gives you secondhand embarrassment. He’d just moved beyond what felt like the twentieth post about his “splendid tummy” when he’d come upon a post that wasn’t quite like the others in terms of text. It wasn’t crude or even necessarily complimentary per se but –

           “Get you a man who looks at you the way ADA Barba looks at his coffee ❤ lol jk   nobody’ll look like you like that just get ADA Barba.”

Included was the image of him at a coffee shop, receiving a cup of his favorite day drink, a rare smile gracing his features. Well. That was unnerving. Sure, he went to get coffee at an embarrassing and even likely unhealthy rate but for someone to have taken a picture of him at all while doing so was just . . . wrong.

One person called Ballr00mbombshell responded with, “Stale cinnamon roll, too jaded by this world.” This made Rafael’s brows pressed downward. Cinnamon roll? What did cinnamon rolls have to do with anything? As if his subconscious had directed him there, his sights landed on the tag section of the post:

#He was buying a cinnamon roll too!!, #such a cinnamon roll, #he probably needs something sweet if his job is dealing with such awful situations, #eat and drink on my sweet cinnamon roll son.

Okay, he thought as he moved his laptop further down his lap. Maybe I was better off not knowing . . . Wait. Cinnamon rolls. While never one to fully discriminate against foods, cinnamon rolls weren’t a thing Rafael normally got. Wait! He recognized that outfit! It was . . . It was the same damn one from the press conference! A trembling hand reached for his replenished glass of scotch and directed it to his lips, taking as hefty of a gulp as he possibly could without warranting a coughing fit.

Did he have a stalker? Already? Granted, after all his years in his field, he shouldn’t be so surprised by how fast fanaticism can rise and to what lengths. Should he tell Liv? She was so pissed the last time he avoided telling her about a threatening presence in his life . . .

As the burning liquid trickled down his throat, Rafael nearly paused it in its tracks. He realized one more thing: The angle of the photo. It was taken at the back of the shop, by the window judging by the looks of it. From the corner, he could just make out a barrel containing chips.

The girl with the Hello Kitty watercolor phone case!

An agitated grunt rumbled from Rafael’s chest and out of his mouth as the revelation became clear. He knew he wasn’t imagining things! Never before had the soft suggestion of watercolor and the innocent cuteness of a beloved children’s character worked together to produce such malcontent.

As tempting as it was to continue, the minor brush with the idea of being stalked mingled terribly with the alcohol in his disgruntled system. Rafael called it a night and tried to sleep decently.

The heavy presence of rounded stomachs and hand veins in his dreams made this out to be a difficult task.

[welcometoerinsworld]

This one is definitely going to be more than 5 minutes.

HOW LIFE IS GOING:

Things are going okay. Got a bit behind on my homework and had to finish it up today, which sucks, but it didn’t take too long.

It’s been three weeks since I last did an update cuz things have been all sorts of crazy, so there are three weeks of things to update on. Where to start. lol. So, last update I wrote about how I reconnected with a friend from high school, Josh. We’ve stayed in contact and message pretty much all day every day. I would say he’s part of the reason I didn’t get all my homework done before Sunday this last week. haha. It’s fun talking to him. He makes me laugh a lot and we support each other. He’s going through a lot of post-divorce drama with his ex, so we talk about that a lot. I complain about work and school and needing back massages, so it evens out.

In other news, there was some crazy stuff. I can’t remember if I’ve written about this on here before, but last summer I found a lump in my breast and had to have some testing done. They did bilateral mammograms (ow) and an ultrasound. Results came back as cysts that eventually went down in size to where I couldn’t feel them anymore. Well, a few weeks ago the lump came back bigger and had constant pain along with it. Went back to the doctor a few days after my last post and was scheduled for another round of testing at the hospital. This last Friday I had my appointment. This time they did a mammogram on just the one side and two ultrasounds. I have several more cysts, but they don’t know which one is causing the pain, so they can’t do anything about it since there are so many and they’re all fairly small. The doctor said it would be trial and error on removing the fluid from each cyst to figure out which one is being mean and that it would just fill up again over. She said if I get a large enough cyst that they can pinpoint that particular one as causing pain, they can surgically remove it, but until then they’re not going to do anything. Some days I can feel it hurting without touching it, but other days I have to poke around before it hurts. It’s a little stressful on the days I can feel the pain all day long, but at least it’s not unbearably painful. It’s mostly like a bruise someone keeps pressing on, not like pain where I’m going to fall over and cry, so at least there’s that.

WHAT I LOVED ABOUT THE LAST (three) WEEKs:

My favorite thing about three weeks ago was getting to babysit Holly’s kids. I love watching those kids. They’re all really great and so much fun. The boys (3 and 4) set up a little blockade so Emma (1) couldn’t get down the hall and she just walked back and forth in front of it all confused. It was the cutest thing ever.

My favorite thing about two weeks ago was meeting up with Josh in Winnemucca and getting to finally see him after 17 years (!). More about that below.

My favorite thing about this past week was after my testing at the hospital, Josh arranged to have flowers delivered to my apartment. He said he wanted to make sure I had something uplifting in case I received bad news at my appointment since he couldn’t be here with me. It was so incredibly sweet of him to do that and I really appreciated it.

Another nice thing about this last week is that a surprise little package arrived in the mail yesterday. Someone sent me some pretty daffodil jewelry. No clue who it’s from, but it’s lovely. Thank you, whoever you are.

WHAT I DID THIS WEEKEND and the weekend before that and the weekend before that:

This weekend has been uneventful. I’ve mostly done homework, prepared my lesson for church, and went to a friend’s house to check out her Lipsense stock. Ended up buying a few and am so excited about them. I’ve never been a girly girl (Josh keeps calling me that, though), so it’s so weird for me to buy expensive makeup (thank goodness she was running a special). But I love it and I love how it looks. My favorite is the super sparkly gloss. lol. It’s just so shiny and sparkly and pretty. I want to wear it every day. Maybe I am a closet girly girl and never realized it. lol.

These are photos of me wearing my new bright red lipstick with and without the sparkly gloss.

Without sparkly gloss

With sparkly gloss

Sooooo, for last weekend. Josh was supposed to come visit me on the 17th, but that didn’t work out, so I spent that Friday out at the coast, driving around looking at all the pretty viewpoints I passed and checking out fun eateries. It was fun and relaxing and just so nice. I loved being able to just explore at my own pace and not have to worry about homework or work or anything other than having a good time. It was really nice. Here are a few photos from my little excursion. None of them are edited, sorry. I’m too tired to process them right now. I’ll do a full post about the coast once school is out and I have time to sit down and edit photos.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Friday night, though, things got crazy. Josh and I started joking about meeting halfway and then it turned into a serious conversation about where we could meet up. We both decided to pray and sleep on it at the very last second Saturday morning we decided to meet up in Winnemucca and spend 24 hours together. Yeah, we totally drove a billion and a half miles to meet up for a day. lol. He drove about 7.5 hours and I drove 8.25 hours. It was crazy, but also fun. I panicked a little just before we were supposed to meet up (he decided to drive up and meet me along the highway to drive back together) and pulled off at a chain-up area. He found me and we hung out there for a while, walking around and talking. It was nice. Then we drove the rest of the way to Winnemucca, had dinner, checked into our separate hotel rooms, and hung out some more. He helped me finish up some homework I still had to do and we just chilled. It was nice and relaxing and very low-key.

The next morning, he knocked on my hotel door at the crack of dawn cuz (and I loosely quote) he was “so excited to see me and couldn’t stay in his own room any longer.” I was still asleep and gave him a minor stink-eye. haha. We chatted for a bit before he went back to his hotel room (or walked around, I have no idea) so I could shower and get ready. When he came back, he showed me a few self-defense things before we headed out to find breakfast and then somewhere to walk/hike/hang out. We ended up at some sand dunes where he read part of a conference talk and then we listened to another one by Elder Uchtdorf. Then it was back to walking around, goofing off, talking a lot, and self-defense before lunch and then driving our separate ways. It was definitely a whirlwind weekend, but it was worth it. Except for the part where I almost ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere, but that’s beside the point. Josh is pretty awesome. Weird as anything on this planet, but a really great guy.

Two weekends ago was the 12th and 13th. That would have been mine and Troy’s 6-year anniversary. It was weird to realize I would have been with him for 6 years, but it didn’t make me as sad as I thought it would. I miss the fun we had together and the comfort of our relationship, but I know us parting ways was for the best. We messaged a little that day to talk about how we’re glad we have the memories of all our adventures, which was nice, but it was just a short 5-minute thing. He’s never been much for long conversations. I miss his quirks, but I’m okay with how things are now.

WHAT I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO:

School being over. lol. Seriously. It just needs to be over. I’m so done with school. This is the start of Week 9 and finals are in Week 11, so I’m almost there! Last final is due June 12th, so it’s just barely over two weeks away. I’m kinda wondering if I should take the 12th off so I can do finals, but if it works out like all my other terms, I’ll just have a bunch of timed tests that I can do on Monday and then Tuesday afternoon. Let’s all cross our fingers for that, k?

PLANS FOR THE UPCOMING WEEK:

Ugh. This week. lol. This upcoming week is turning into a giant mound of stress and it’s just barely starting. So, Tuesday I have to attend a 5.5 hour training at work after my morning session with Kid 2. That means I’ll hardly have any time to get homework done. I know this training is important, so I’m going to go and hope for the best. It’s ABM training (advanced behavioral modification) that will teach me how to handle when Kid 2 bites me, hits me, kicks me, and when other kids throw stuff. Anyone remember when I had a chair thrown at me a few weeks ago? Sheesh. The training will also go over getting out of various choke holds, how to handle hair pulling, ways to lift and move kids who are in behaviors, and some other things. I’m super nervous about it, but hopefully it will help me become better at my job.

Other stuff for this week are homework (duh), babysitting Holly’s kids (hooray!), and the possibility of Josh coming to visit. He’s going to try, but there are a lot of things going on for him at the moment, so it may not work out. I’m going to do my best to get all my homework done early in the week so I can hang out with him if he is able to come out. Sooooooooooooo, yeah. This week is gonna be crazy. Bring it on.

WHAT I’M NERVOUS ABOUT:

Homework, finals, and this dang term project I need to get working on. I have to analyze a supply chain and I haven’t started it yet. From what I’ve read on the class boards, several other classmates have yet to start, either. Not too great for any of us since there are only two weeks left in the term. I think this project is due on the 10th, so there are literally two weeks left to get it done. I’d better get crackin on it.

WHAT I’VE BEEN DAYDREAMING ABOUT:

Not having to do homework anymore. Cuddling. Romantic walks on the beach. Getting this dang knot in my neck dealt with. lol.

HOW SCHOOL IS GOING:

School is going okay. I finally got my grades put into my excel sheet, so I can begin calculating how poorly I can do on my remaining assignments and still pass. haha. This is where I stand currently with all graded assignments.

This is what I’ve calculated to keep my A’s:

And this is what I’ve calculated to pass each class with a B:

I do this every term around the end cuz I get so burned out and just want it all to be over. Normally I keep a running tally earlier in the term, but I haven’t had time to do it until now. Well, I didn’t really have the time to do it now, but I wanted to see how badly I could do and still pass. haha. I think I’ll do okay this term. Pretty sure I’ll end up with two B’s and maybe two A’s, but we’ll see. I need to get this project started for MGT 322 so I don’t entirely bomb it. But it looks like I can get 50% on it and still pass the class, so there is that.

HOW WORK IS GOING:

Things have been going okay with work. Coworker drama picked back up for a few days and I issued a solid cease and desist message on the work messaging program. Dude started texting me again, was trying to be all flirty at work, and decided it was okay to touch me at work (just my arm, nothing like what made me mad), so I sent him a clearly worded message stating none of that was okay and that it needs to stop. Made me nervous to send it, but aside from a dumb text telling me he didn’t do half of that and giving me crap for some other stuff, it has stopped again. Hopefully that all stays stopped this time.

Other than that, things are going well with Kid 2. Their family is moving soon and the house is packed up, so Kid 2 is having additional behavior problems. I’ve been bitten quite hard a few times and there has been an emergence of other new behaviors, such as licking (me, walls, chairs, toys, etc), spitting food/juice on people (so far it’s just been Kayla), and hitting. Well, I guess Kid 2 has hit before, but it’s been a long time. And kicking. Those two are rare when I work with Kid 2. Mostly it’s sitting on the floor and refusing to move (until I invade space and slowly shuffle Kid 2 along the floor) or yelling no repeatedly or pushing. We’re all working through it, though, and there seems to be progress.

I’m still pretty sad about Kid 2 moving soon. Not sure when it will be, but their house is packed up and one of the parents already has a job in the new town, so it will be soon. Hopefully not too soon, though.

HOW RUNNING IS GOING:

It’s not. My foot has been giving me troubles, so I’ve been walking sporadically over the last few weeks. Driving for so long that one weekend did something to strain my foot, so I’ve been taking it easy the last couple weeks.

WHAT BOOK I’M READING:

Yeah, I haven’t read anything in the book I wrote about in my last post, but I did read a couple chapters in The Count of Monte Cristo a few days ago. Needed a break from homework, so I read for a little while. I love that book. As cliché as it sounds, the book is so much better than the movie in 1,000 different ways. I still need to remake that video talking about the differences. Someday I will.

GOALS FOR THIS WEEK:

Reached some of my goals, but not all of them. That’s okay, though. None of these really have a deadline, so I’ll just keep these the same as before.

Fitness

Slowly increase walking pace while maintaining a distance of at least 3.1 miles

Start doing weights or resistance exercises

Do 5 regular push ups

School

Get a little ahead with homework (haha)

Work

Do better at managing Kid 2’s new behaviors

Personal

Read at least one chapter of a non-school book

Religious

Be more consistent at reading my scriptures

Read one conference talk a week

HOW I DID ON LAST WEEK’S GOALS:

Fitness

Slowly increase walking pace while maintaining a distance of at least 3.1 miles

Kinda did this, kinda didn’t. I maintained my distance, but didn’t increase my pace at all. I actually went much slower with my pace. Oh well. At least I have my distance down.

Start doing weights or resistance exercises

So, yeah, about this one. lol. I meant to do this, but life got in the way. I’ll do this at least once this week.

School

Get a little ahead with homework

I swear, every time I get a little bit ahead, life blows up and I go right back to barely keeping up. Hopefully this week will be better. 16 more days and the term is over.

Work

Get Kid 2 to the bathroom more often

I’ve actually been doing really well at this! Hooray! lol. I’ve been getting Kid 2 to the bathroom probably every 40-60 minutes, which is better than the 60-90 minutes it was before. Kid 2 doesn’t fight going into the bathroom anymore, which is helpful. Some days I’m able to hit every 30 minutes (aside from the preschool hour), which makes me happy. Still not getting every 15 minutes, but I kinda feel like that is unrealistic in a place that has as many kids as we do and just one kid bathroom.

Personal

Read at least one chapter of a non-school book

Yes! I did this! Hooray!

Religious

Be more consistent at reading my scriptures

Yeah, I’ve been struggling with this one again. I need to get back into my routine. The thing I liked about working 8-12 M-F was that I had a routine every day and a set time every day to read my scriptures. Since I only work 3 days a week now, I struggle to maintain a routine. I listen to my scriptures while getting ready for work, but on days I don’t work it tends to slip through the cracks. I will do better, though. Ooooh! I’m going to set an alarm on my phone. That will probably help.

Read one conference talk a week

I feel like this one is kind of a cheat since I read multiple conference talks to prepare my lessons. But since I don’t teach every week anymore, I’ll have to make an effort to read the weeks I don’t have a lesson to prepare for. I have done this each week, though, so hooray! lol

ISSUES/PROBLEMS/CONCERNS:

Just about having enough time this week to get all the things done that I need to. This is going to be a rough week time-wise, so I need to go to bed so I can get up early and start getting stuff done.

WHAT ELSE IS NEW:

Nothing I’m writing on here. haha.

So, I guess that’s everything. Hope everyone has a wonderful week!

5 Minute Life Update 5/27/18 This one is definitely going to be more than 5 minutes. HOW LIFE IS GOING: Things are going okay.