#it's been 6 years. they still have an iron grip on me. I'm still the only one experiencing shrimp emotions abt them 😔

[imwritesometimes]

sure, what if they fucked nasty but also - what if they committed crimes and murders together?

[ellewritesalright]

Nine Long Years - Part 7

Nikolai Lantsov x Rietveld!reader, Kaz Brekker x sister!Rietveld!reader (platonic)

Part 6 --- Masterlist

Synopsis: After watching your brothers die, you found yourself working on the Volkvolny. In the many years since then, you somehow became the queen of Ravka while your brother somehow survived firepox and life in the Barrel, rising through its ranks. In disguise during a diplomatic trip with your husband Nikolai, you meet Kaz Brekker for what you think is the first time, only to find out that he is your long-thought-dead little brother.

Author's Note: Well... long time no see. I'm happy to finally share this part. it's been several months in the works since I have been very busy with college. So thank you to all who have stuck around. This part takes place around the start of the Ruin and Rising book, and is a fair bit shorter than the last few parts have been (btw I can't believe I've written over 40k words for this series) but I hope you all like it. I went a bit easier with the angst than I expected by giving these two a slight break

Warnings: mentions of death, angst and fluff, mentions of sickness, injury, panic attacks, firepox. If I'm missing something pls lmk

Word Count: 3,570

……….

SIXTH YEAR

Genya's handiwork stung. Though she was fixing your injuries, the nature of her Corporalki abilities was that she had to undo your injuries in a similar process as their infliction. You tried not to complain as she treated your fractured and cut shoulder, but you were still swallowing back a scream. Tamar ran a soothing hand along your head as she and Tolya held you down.

"Hold still for me." You could vaguely hear Genya say.

You gave a slight nod, all you could manage at the moment. The pain was excruciating. There was fire all along your shoulder blade and up and over to the corner of your collarbone where the Darlking's nichevo'ya had clawed at you. Like sticking a red hot iron to flesh. You were biting down so hard on the handle of Tamar's axe that you thought you might break a tooth. The Tailor's hands hovered over your shoulder and your body jolted but Tolya tightened his grip.

Everything was dark. It never occurred to you how musty and dank an underground tunnel system would be. You'd never considered a place like this could even exist. But here you were, below ground, in the darkest, dankest little "room" you'd ever been in. And no amount of candles or incense trays staved your new fear of the dark.

When you closed your eyes, you could see Nikolai. The way his eyes frantically found yours across the room. How he screamed when his brother was torn apart by the Darkling's shadow creatures. The silent nod of understanding as you guarded Alina while he helped his parents escape.

You wondered where he was now. With any luck, Nikolai escaped on the Kingfisher. He was safe and sound and able to fight the war while Alina and the rest of you were all underground. He had to be safe. Saints above and below, by the grace of Ghezen, and on the holiness of even the Fjerdan god, he had to be safe.

Because if he wasn't, you simply wouldn't know what to do. 

You felt the pain end, and you glanced back at the trio of corporalki behind you.

"There," Genya spoke softly, easing her hands away from your shoulder. "This is about all I can do. The scarring doesn't go away completely."

Her eyes dropped in shame, one of the scars on her cheek pulling as she frowned slightly. Tamar and Tolya had released you, and you sat up. You gently took Genya's hand, giving her a grateful smile.

"You've healed me to full strength, and that's all that matters," you said kindly. "Thank you."

She smiled back at you.

……….

Time blurred together underground. You were still guarding Alina, and you'd constantly accompany her through the elaborate tunnels. You didn't trust the Apparat running this little underground cult. He had come to Alina's aid, that was true enough. But there was no doubt in your mind that the snivelly, power-hungry little man had some ulterior motive. Nikolai had told you about him many years ago while at sea.

"The religious counsel to my father is a weasel of a fellow. That man would bite the head off a live snake if it meant he would gain control of a single chapel, let alone the whole of Ravka," Nikolai said of the Apparat. 

You could only hope Alina wasn't the snake in this case.

You worried for your sun summoner. It was no wonder that you all looked worn after your fight with the Darkling, but most of you had healed up despite your weariness. Yet Alina didn't seem to recover. She had lost use of her summoning in the past few months. It was difficult to say if that was because you were so far away from the sun, or because of the strain from her last fight with the Darkling; either way, you'd never seen her look so pale and sickly. 

"It doesn't seem like anything helps her," Mal worriedly whispered to you one evening as you two ate off to the side of the usual huddle your group maintained. "Not water, or food, or any sort of activity."

"She probably just needs sun," you said, trying to ease his mind. "Once we figure out how to escape this place, we'll get her above ground and she'll be better."

"What if that's not all? When she fought the Darkling--"

"Don't think on it, Oretsev." You cut him off. "That's no way to be, with your worrying. We'll get her out, and she'll get better. That's it."

Mal let out a long sigh and went back to eating.

Your words had carried conviction. You had no idea how your group would escape, but you didn't mention that. It was all you could do to lift your friends' spirits, even though you were as unsettled as you'd felt since you were a girl in a Ketterdam harbour.

In the evenings, you roomed with Tamar and Tolya. Often sleeping between them, their breathing--and Tolya's snoring--reminded you that you were alive and somehow safe, no matter how temporary.

But even so, the dank underground smelled like death. It was like you were back on the cobbles of Ketterdam, seeing your brothers in every corner of every dark cavern in this place. They haunted you, even here. And, with no one to distract you from them, no one to hold you and reassure you that you weren't at fault for their sickness, their ghosts dogged you all hours of the day.

There were a few children underground, and sometimes when they'd cry you could just feel the sobs your baby brother cried against your shoulder when Da had passed away. You could taste the sick you emptied into the harbour after you lost your brothers. 

It occurred to you that maybe this was your lot in life; maybe you were just meant to be haunted. You were plagued, for lack of a better word.

You couldn't count how many times a day your mind strayed to Nikolai. Worries or memories would surface, and you were unable to stave them just as you couldn't stave thoughts of your family. Truthfully, you didn't want to keep them at bay anymore. If you could die tomorrow and join your brothers, you would rather die with Nikolai in your thoughts than with nothing but fear and grief dogging your brain.

The anger you'd harboured for Nikolai had vanished. Your grudge seemed so insignificant now that you were separated like this. Everything seemed insignificant when you were trapped in a tomb.

At night the only reprieve you had from all the ghosts was when you'd finally fall asleep, your fingers clutching Nikolai's ring on the chain around your neck. 

……….

When you and your friends finally surfaced again, it was a mad dash escape from that weasel and his cult. 

You were running through some forest with them. You had no idea where you surfaced, all you knew was that it wasn't just the Aparat's cult after you, but a sect of Vasily's old Grisha-hating First Army. The soldiers were hot on your tails as you dashed through the trees. Tolya and Tamar were on your right, Genya was to your left, and Alina and Mal were slightly ahead of you. Shots were being fired behind you, and you weaved and ducked to avoid bullets as you ran aimlessly. Some of the Grisha you were travelling with used their skills to take on those in pursuit of you, but there were too many of them. 

Just when it felt as though you would never make it out of this forest and away from the soldiers, you heard a familiar shouting of command. Repeat revolvers starting gunning from above, and you grabbed Genya and ducked to the side as the Kingfisher flew overhead, taking out your remaining foes. 

It was all a blur as the flying ship landed. Your mind was whirring as Genya helped you to your feet, guiding you to the ship. You watched the others climb aboard, then you took your turn as well. As you clutched the wooden rails, you remembered the last time you'd been on this vessel, how you fell asleep below deck, curled up against Nikolai.

Nikolai.

As soon as he reentered your mind, your head was whipping around to catch sight of him, for surely he was here. It didn't take you long to hone in on him. He was speaking with Mal, grim expressions on both of their faces. Alina was there too, guzzling down a water flask; she looked automatically healthier now that she was out of the dirt and into the sun, but still not at full strength. Your eyes went to Nikolai again, and he seemed to be glancing around as well. When his eyes locked on yours, you swore you almost started to cry. The tension in his brow loosened, his strong shoulders relaxing for a second before he quickly excused himself from Mal and Alina. He strode directly over to you, bracing you in a hug. You clutched him back, face bundled in his chest as he gripped you so tightly.

There was a long moment in his arms as you embraced, but you both needed it. You'd gone months without knowing if each other were alive, much less alright.

"Thank every Saint that ever was," Nikolai chuckled in relief as he held you. He leaned back, bracing your arms. He noticed the rip in your jacket where the nichevo’ya had cut up your shoulder in the chapel. While the cult was able to provide a new shirt and trousers for you, there'd been no replacement jacket for you underground. "That's no good. Here." 

He shed his military coat and slung it over you. He dusted off the sleeves as you just stood there watching him. You'd almost forgotten how warm his hazel eyes were.

"Are you alright?" He whispered, his hands still holding to your forearms almost as if reminding himself that you were really there in front of him.

There was no way to tell him about your time underground, about the scar on your shoulder and the feeling that maybe your whole life was just haunted. It took everything in you to reply with hope.

"Better now," you whispered back, nodding softly.

He smiled regretfully at you. You knew him well enough to know that he had something to say, but you weren't going to pressure it out of him. The last time you'd seen him you were still upset with him over his engagement–something that felt inconsequential now. Months away from him had turned your anger to dust, and now you just wanted to wipe clean and move on as best as you could--with or without him.

Nikolai looked at you for a moment, then hugged you again. He whispered something in Kerch, an old saying that you could remember your Ma and Da saying to one another when you were younger and your world was a farm and a family that was whole.

"My soul knows no richer than yours," he muttered into your ear, speaking your native tongue in his pretty lilt.

You teared up slightly. Your hand made a weak fist against his chest as you replied in Kerch. "You're infuriating."

"I know." 

He cupped your cheek, and you leaned into his palm, staring at his soft hazel eyes.

"Go below deck, and I'll join you in a moment, alright?" He whispered kindly.

You nodded and made your way below. It took Nikolai longer than expected to join. There were others below deck, a few injured Grisha and Nikolai's First Army soldiers being tended to. You watched bones being reset, blood being transferred, and breathing assisted. You flinched as one of the soldiers coughed up blood, making a hauntingly familiar noise. Just as you looked away for fear of nausea, a hand grabbed yours. Nikolai had sat down beside you, and he gave your hand a comforting squeeze.

He let you lean into his side as the two of you sat there in silence.

……….

The Kingfisher flew for nearly a half hour more, but Nikolai stayed with you below deck until they had to dock the flying ship. When you arrived at the Spinning Wheel, there were lots of Grisha-friendly First Army there to greet everyone. The rescued were all led to different rooms, and as someone approached you to get you settled, Nikolai murmured something to them. They nodded and helped you through the winding hallways. You were given a bedroom with an adjoining bathroom, and you wondered what you'd done to earn a private space like this. Surely many people at the Spinning Wheel had to share rooms. 

Once you were alone, you shed your dank, dirt-covered cult clothes and discarded them in the bedroom while you ran a bath for yourself. 

As you sank into the warm water you let your mind settle. It felt odd to feel safe again. After your time below ground, you didn’t know when you’d feel this way again, but you were grateful it was now.

There was a soft knock on the bathroom door, and you heard Nikolai's voice.

“I took your clothes to the washers and brought you clean trousers and a shirt. I'll leave them just outside the door here for when you're finished your bath," he said kindly.

"Thank you," you called out, your voice slightly unsteady. 

The thought of Nikolai on the other side of the door made your heart race. There was something about the moment that felt distinctly like your first trip to West Ravka back when you began to know him more as Nikolai than Sturmhond. The separation by only a door felt as excruciating as it used to feel watching him get into bed beside you without being able to reach for him. Prudence and politeness governed you both so strictly back them, and it had taken reign once again.

You shut your eyes and tried to relax some more in the bath, but your peace had shattered at the thought of Nikolai being so near yet so out of your reach.

You huffed to yourself as you got out of the bath and dried off. You took the clothes Nikolai had left for you and dressed yourself. The layers of soft white linen were slightly thin, but certainly not unappreciated. After months in the same clothes that you were rarely allowed to wash, you were overdue for something clean and fresh. 

Without realizing it, your feet carried you to your bedroom door. It wasn't as though you knew where anything was in this place, but you twisted the knob and stepped into the hallway anyways. You made it two steps before you realized he was there, leaning against the wall beside your door.

"Hi," he said, blushing slightly.

You nodded at him. "Hi."

"Can we talk?" He asked, his eyes earnest.

You nodded again, stepping back into your room and letting him follow.

There were no other chairs or seating in the room, so you sat on the edge of your bed.

Nikolai sat a respectable distance beside you. "I wanted to tell you that--what's this?" 

His eyes were on your shirt's wide collar, where the edge of your shoulder scar peeked out. You hooked a finger into your collar, pulling it to show a bit more of the scar as you angled your back to him too.

"Oh… it's from the nichevo’ya. One just barely nicked my shoulder as we first escaped into the tunnels." You felt a slight sting as he gently grazed his thumb along it. You relished his touch and the reminder that he was alive and with you so much so that you didn't even mind the sting. "Genya says it's permanent."

"I should have been there," he murmured.

You shook your head, turning back to look at him. "No, I'm glad you weren't. You needed to be above ground."

"I should have been with you." His eyes had that earnest look crossed with slight guilt.

"You had to get your parents to safety and rally what was left of the First Army, Nikolai."

"I wanted to be with you." He said as he held your hand, interlocking your fingers. "You're the woman I love, and I thought of you every second of every day I wasn't with you. Saints, I need you more than I need air."

You leaned closer to him, pressing your forehead against his collarbone. It wasn't meant in any romantic way, more just as a silent way to express that you loved him too, that you cared deeply for him. He brought his one arm around your shoulder as the other still held your hand.

"That's why I'm not going through with it," he said, and you could feel the rumble of his words against your head.

"With what?" You whispered.

"The engagement with Alina."

You leaned back slightly to look in his eyes. "What?"

He thumbed along your cheek. "Once the war is won, Alina and I will not be getting married. She and I have spoken already."

"But what about the unification of Ravka and the first and second army?"

"That can happen some other way." He looked deeply into your eyes. "But once we've won this war, I only want one thing."

You sighed and gave him a sad smile. "Niko–"

"Will you marry me?"

Your breath caught in your chest.

There was a time you thought he would ask you this, before you landed in Ravka more permanently, before you got launched into this war against the Darkling. But you knew he still had his ambitions.

"Is it because your brother's dead? Because you're guaranteed to be king now?" You asked.

He sighed and shook his head. It was hard to tell if he'd expected any apprehension from you. "It's because I love you. More than anything else I could ever think of. When I first arrived at the Spinning Wheel, everyone else whined about the cold of the mountains or the fact that they missed tea service and their evening kvas, but all I missed was you." He gently squeezed your hand. "Every day I spent not knowing if you were safe, if you were alive… I could barely sleep, barely eat… You're all I could ever want."

The look in his eyes was reminiscent of his soft yet resolute stare when he’d placed that crown on your head. It felt like a lifetime ago that he whispered honey in your ears and you listened without a shred of apprehension. But right now this wasn’t honey. This was raw. This was real. This was Nikolai in a state of total resolve. And you knew you wouldn’t be made a fool if you accepted him.

"I am all you want?" you whispered in response, your lips curling upwards slightly.

"You are. I want to spend my life with you," he smiled. "Will you marry me?"

“Yes." You nodded, a full smile forming on your lips. “I'll marry you. Of course I will.”

Nikolai broke into a grin. He cupped your cheeks and kept grinning at you, his eyes locked with yours. “Saints, I love you more than anything.” He pressed a quick kiss to your forehead, then dipped down to capture your lips.

It was the first you’d kissed him in months and months. Truly, you hadn’t felt his lips on yours since before you’d crossed the fold. It ignited a forgotten hunger in you, and you kissed him back with a deep longing.

“I missed you,” he murmured as you pulled back for a moment. You noticed tears in his eyes. “I was so stupid, and I’m sorry for how I treated you. I never should have proposed to Alina, or made you feel like I only wanted you in secret. I want you, I’m proud to want you, and I never want my love for you to be a secret. I want you as my queen–my truest companion, as you have always been. I just… I want you.”

You kissed him again, wrapping your arms around him. You leaned so far against him that he rested his back against the headboard, bringing you with him. You missed the closeness with him, the intimacy of being pressed into his body as you kissed. Your fingers threaded into his golden hair as you sighed into his soft lips.

“Do you forgive me?” He whispered and you took in a breath.

Your fingers idly traced the skin right above his shirt collar. “I’ll forgive you once you get me a ring and make it official.”

“I gave you a ring years ago, my dear.” His finger went to the chain around your neck, and he pulled it loose from under your shirt, making his old silver ring dangle between you. “One could argue that we’ve been engaged all this time.”

“Then one could also argue that you were most definitely cheating on your fiance when you proposed to someone else,” you smirked at him.

“Ouch. I deserved that,” he chuckled.

He cupped your face again, his palms warm against your skin.

“I’ll get you a new ring. Something regal and fit for the most beautiful queen Ravka will ever know, moi tsaritsa.”

You smiled and leaned down to kiss him again. “Good.”

..........

A/N: Thanks so much for reading! Feel free to like, reblog, and comment on this new part--I really appreciate the feedback! If you want to be tagged in this series or to be added to the Nikolai taglist please comment on this part or send me an ask. Otherwise, I hope you have a great day/night :)

Masterlist

Taglist: I will reblog this part with the tags because there's too many of you to tag and tumblr won't let me do it all at once :)

[blysse-and-blunder]

in lieu of a bachelorette party

10pm, sunday, aug 6, 2023

we're officially in the period of the summer that has been planned out since months and months ago, in the lead up to some dear friends' wedding; time is telescoping in a very odd way! after traveling the past two weeks, my re-entry was good but hard; i came back from my trip thinking i'd be all revitalized and looking around me with new eyes, which in a way i did, but then i was also pretty wiped. i didn't really want to spend all week hibernating, but i guess it was good to recharge my batteries since i also had five different party/gathering-type things (three this weekend, including the aforementioned bachelorette).

reading can't forget to mention finishing carmen maria machado's in the dreamhouse, which was gripping and devastating and still beautiful somehow. the experience of reading it was so...i couldn't stop once i got started, you know? short fragmented chapters, some funny, some incredibly sad. every once in a while there would be a detail or an allusion to something i could relate to, punctuating the intense surreality / unreality used to talk about the abuse with a sudden concrete reality that was. striking. loved the device of the footnotes, pointing out where certain things are matching up with folklore tropes? as a form of foreshadowing and ironic, devastating commentary? inspired. that's just one detail, but it's one i can sum up.

abrupt tonal shift and getting back to fantasy / adventure, a.k. larkwood's the unspoken name has been very engaging this week too. part one was...fresh but in a comforting sort of vein, with a young protag escaping a bad fate under the protection of a new mysterious mentor, who then helps her get an education, martial arts training, before he sends her out on a mission--reminded me of half a dozen beloved fantasy novels, with the addition of some fun details! for example, neither is actually described in much detail, but our main character and her mentor are clearly not Human; she has grey skin and tusks (my mind went right to a dnd-style orc?) and he has mobile, elongated ears, which seem to telegraph his emotions much like those in the goblin emperor and was an *immediate* delight to envision. just about a third of the way through this one now; it feels like a locked tomb book with a slightly different magic system, and i'm really enjoying it.

watching plane movies while returning home:

the battle of the sexes (2017) -- entertaining more because i didn't know the history and always enjoy the depiction of historical women's sports and sports teams; emma stone is great but has virtually no chemistry with either of her romantic counterparts, painfully straight energy overall. i was too entertained by watching steve carell and sarah silverman in their respective period hair and makeup . kudos to whoever was the tennis stunt doubles, it was legitimately fun to try and follow the games.

banshees of inisherin (2022) -- people who talk about the overdone stereotyped blarney-filled hollywood depiction of ireland in this one are missing the fact that it's an intentional (ironic?) depiction; see, the imprecision when it comes to year/time passing / calendars and whatnot. sort of waiting for godot-y in its heightened reality / absurdity. my lukewarm take is that it was definitely meant to be a play, and would have worked a lot better that way. not sure i'll watch it again, not sure i *got* it, but it will certainly live in my brain rent-free.

finished strange world (2022) as a palate cleanser-- i wanted to support it, the box office and overall reception to this was pretty disappointing but it's fine! like it's a cute kids' movie! you know, disney's first gay character, thinly veiled climate analogy lesson, absolutely gorgeous animation and colors, what's not to love.

the first three episodes of season 1 of the white lotus . hypnotizing like a train wreck, but i'll wait until i've seen more of it to give a real write-up.

listening you ever watch a viral video and then realize you're captivated by both the cute videos of people dancing and the soundtrack? (and recognizing the background scenery, and it turns out i was right!!) anyway i went and found these two tracks courtesy of just this experience, so thanks to youtuber thoraya i guess?

UPDATE: saw hadestown live today!!! the original broadway recording didn't prepare me for how much i would love it, how dynamic and captivating the live band and incredible ensemble would be-- and of course i was crying almost immediately, and was clutching my chest during 'wait for me' both times. but then again, the performance i saw didn't include this one instrumental track i love and had on my semester playlist all spring, so here:

playing finally got the cut-scene celebrating my community center completion in stardew, hell yeah. had two great dnd sessions; one campaign successfully defeated a monstrously-oversized jaguar and decided which faction we're going to attempt to win over first, while the other group went shopping and spent some downtime at base and gathering info on some individual plots! napoleon did exist in this world and was a gnome, and our organization assassinated him apparently??, also this just feels like a good time to mention that their resume also includes '1841 – Controlled controversy riots when “Dinosaurs” suggested as a creature alongside and separate from “Dragons” ', which sent us into absolute hysterics when the DM shared that.

making it's summer, so i crowdsourced a ratatouille recipe and could not have been happier with the outcome. saving it here for posterity!

working on i was very diligent with RA work this week, since it feels like i always neglect it over the summer for absolutely no reason, especially since it like. pays me. but i also have been using it as productive procrastination since i'm actively dragging my heels in sending the last few students their essay feedback and grade breakdowns from the summer course. it means confronting my judgments and math and possible mistakes from earlier in july, and trying to either defend or amend them as necessary, and i just have been. napping rather than actually do it. which is silly, and also stupid since i have actual work to be doing! just get this over with, and you can be free!

[sl0wdiver]

Get to know me tag from @heffer-wen - thank u so much for letting me have my Oprah intverview 😍

Tagging @bakingblues @jarrodsbowen @merlinn @drunkenromantic @ruben-dias and @canirove!

1. Do you make your bed? Every damn day I sure as hell do. Cushions and throw and all.

2. Favourite number? Always very fond of 28 as it's my birthday. 147 as well. Not that I believe in angel numbers but I see it everywhere.

3. What's your job? That's a secret but it's corporate and it's boring and I'm planning on leaving in October!!

4. If you could go back to school, would you? Secondary school you couldn't pay me enough to do again. It's taken me the best part of a decade to get over it. Much as I would consider going back to uni, I can't be arsed with exams and coursework. Really enjoy not having to be assessed on things. I love studying though!

5. Can you parallel park? Nine times out of ten, yes. I've also managed to start doing it without stressing to high heaven or swearing!

6. Do you think aliens are real? Positively. However, I think the majority of life in the universe is probably like how our planet has been for the majority of its life - either microbial or unintelligent (by our standards). The chances of us existing at the same time as another intelligent species who are close enough that we could make contact with them is unfortunately very small. I would love to see the day we do receive something from a nearby star. Contact is one of my favourite films ever and I think paints the most realistic picture of what that might look like.

7. Can you drive a manual car? I wouldn't drive anything else.

8. Guilty pleasure? Gonna sound so pretentious here but I've moved on from guilty pleasures. I embrace everything that I love and want to enjoy.

9. Tattoos? None at the moment, and probably never. I'm not averse to them, but I don't have anything that I'd really want to put on my body. Closest I've thought however is getting "Fire, walk with me" somewhere because I fucking love Twin Peaks and I saw someone recently with it on their back.

10. Favourite colour? Tough to pick one, but my favourite shades sit around navy blue, aquamarine and turquoise. Colours of the ocean and especially oceans in the summer.

11. Favourite type of music? Truthfully, I can genuinely get along with anything, and I absolutely love SO much different types of music for all sorts of reasons. Easier to list of the stuff that I can't do, namely Hair/Glam Metal, Southern Rock and stuff that's generically put under 'Classic Rock' (I love SO much music from the 60s and 70s, but 'Classic Rock' is not a genre, it's something invented by the likes of Rolling Stone magazine and people in YouTube comment sections of Beatles songs writing "I was born in the wrong generation" to jerk themselves off to. Get a grip).

The way I see it, if it's compelling to me, I will enjoy it. I have a million playlists on Spotify for every mood I find myself in.

12. Do you like puzzles? Some. Word ones tend to be my favourite, and I used to do sudoku quite a lot. It's not really my thing though.

13. Any phobias? Basophobia. Specifically, having no grip on my feet. I'm also quite claustrophobic.

14. Favourite childhood sport? Much like @heffer-wen who tagged me in this, I was arty and quite averse to sport. I went to an all-boys school which was absolutely febrile for getting us to play football, rugby and cricket. Hated them all, and ironically now love watching the latter two.

I did, however, love cycling, badminton, kayaking and bodyboarding, and still do. Don't do any of them competitively but I make sure to bodyboard at least once a year.

15. Do you talk to yourself? All the fucking time. There are so many scenarios happening in my head. Someone HAS to broadcast them, right?

16. Tea or coffee? For years, neither. Then in uni, tea took over my life. Then, shortly before I came out, iced coffee entered my life like a freight train. Now, I love both. Tea is my regular go-to and coffee is more of a treat, but I like them in pretty much all forms. I'm blessed in Cardiff to have the choice of Portugese or Turkish coffee basically on my doorstep and it's fucking brilliant. Earl Grey and Redbush are favourite tea flavours.

17. First thing you wanted to be when growing up? Something in engineering. I was and still am obsessed with planes, trains, cars, bridges, buildings, the like. Turns out I absolutely sucked at studying for the Maths and Physics bits but hey ho, I still enjoy reading about those subjects.

18. What movies do you adore? Where the fuck do I begin. Go read my Letterboxd, it's easier.

As a very, VERY brief overview however, the films I absolutely adore are:

Amadeus

Apocalypse Now

The Incredibles

Call Me By Your Name

Blade Runner

The complete Lord of the Rings trilogy

The complete original Star Wars trilogy (IV and V especially)

Stop Making Sense

The Dark Knight

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Pulp Fiction

Mean Girls

Shrek 2

And SO many more but I'll be here all day listing them out.

[callsign-magnolia]

I Hope You Dance // Ch. 6

MATURE CONTENT (18+)

A/N: This is cross posted to my Wattpad, so if this seems familiar that is why!

TW: Mental abuse, emotional abuse, slight physical abuse, death and loss.

Description: When Caila meets Rooster, sparks fly. But, she's already married, to a man who she thought loved her, and won't let her go. Rooster will fight for her, he just has to convince Caila to fight for herself.

Word Count: 8.1k

Chapter 5 | Masterlist

I stared at the ceiling as Aaron got dressed. "Now, about that phone. I'll be keeping it when we're together, no point in you having one when I'm with you. I'll be routinely checking it for new numbers, the only ones allowed in it are the ones I've already put in." I didn't even acknowledge him, just stared at the ceiling as my dress was still bunched around my waist. "Oh baby, we'll get back to how we used to be. I promise. With Bradley out of the picture, we'll be in love just like we used to be. Who knows, I may finally give you that wedding you wanted, you still have the dress." He said as he brushed some hair out of my face, kissing my lips, which I didn't even react to. I couldn't. "I'll be back in a few minutes, I have to call work about something." He said before walking out of the bedroom door, closing it behind him. 

I gasped, like him leaving the room finally allowed me to breathe. The sobs hit immediately, and I covered my face as I cried, I rolled onto my stomach. I lost my shot at getting out, and now Bradley was in the middle more than ever. We'll get back to how we used to be. "No." I muttered into the sheets. "No. No. No!" I yelled as I sobbed into the sheets. I could never love Aaron how I used to, and after being with Bradley, I never truly loved Aaron, not like I do Rooster. "I can't do this." It was spoken out loud for myself. I truly couldn't, but I had to unless I wanted to get Rooster killed. 

"Hey, Penny. Can I get a beer?" I asked as she came over and handed me a beer with a smile. "And whose this?" She asked, nodding to Aaron behind me. "This is Aaron." I had to take a breath before answering. "My husband." Her face fell as she looked into my eyes, but she recovered quicky. "Penny Benjamin." She held her hand out and she gripped his hand in an iron grip as they shook. "Pleasure." Penny glared at him. "Sure." She muttered before turning and tending to her other patrons. 

~~~

"Where are your friends?" I looked around and spotted them. "Pool table, but I don't feel like going over there." He scoffed and grabbed my arm, ripping me from my seat, tucking my arm in his. We walked over and I slapped a smile on my face. "Hey, y'all!" I announced and everyone cheered, Halo pulling me into a tight hug. "Aaron, this is Halo, and Omaha. Yale and Harvard." I said gesturing to everyone. "And this is Bob, he's been my back seater through all this." I said and he shook Aaron's hand, receiving a glare. "Y'all, this is my husband Aaron." Everyone was shocked seeing as I never mentioned my love life, let alone a husband. "You're married?!" Harvard yelled and I nodded. "Been together since Junior year." The questions flooded through, Aaron making it out like we were utterly in love. I held back tears all night, but plastered a smile on my face and no one was none the wiser. That's the thing about spending years hiding your true feelings, no one ever notices.

~~~

"And in first place..." Admiral Heatherly paused. Bob looked to me with a smirk, my face remaining neutral. "Lieutenant Wilder and Lieutenant Floyd!" A small smile grew on my face as Bob jumped up, cheering. Suddenly I was yanked out of my seat by him, and he pulled me into a bone crushing hug. "Thank you." I hugged him back, tightly. "You're so welcome, Bobby." We were handed the trophy and we held it up as everyone around us cheered. "I'm bummed we didn't win, but I'm not mad we lost to you two." Harvard said as him and Yale pulled us into a hug. 

I looked past them and saw a familiar blonde head, I excused myself and walked over. "Hangman?" He smirked at me. "My, my, Magnolia. Truly are as beautiful as they say." I chuckled. After I initially rejected Jake he was mad and hostile, but we've bumped into each other a few times over the years and while he is incredibly frustrating, his flirting is harmless. "Well thank you, why are you here?" He chuckled. "A buddy of mine is graduating, came by to see him." I nodded, now noticing he was in his dress whites. "I will say though, I am a little surprised you came out in first place." I chuckled at his words. "Why cause I'm a girl?" He laughs. "Okay, a little." I gasped slightly on mock surprise. Suddenly a hand clasped on my shoulder and my eyes went wide, freezing. "Hey baby, whose this?" Aaron asked, I stayed stock still and thankfully Hangman stepped in. 

"Oh come on, you don't remember me? We met at the gala last year. Jake Seresin, Hangman?" A bulb went off in Aarons head. "No way man!" They headed off into a conversation, allowing me to walk back over to Bob. "I can't believe you did it." I quirked a brow. "Me? Bob you're the best WSO I've had the pleasure of working with. I'm so grateful that we got put together." I said and he smiled at me. "You're husband seems to be a little protective." I shrugged, more like possessive. "Yeah, he's not a fan of my line of work. He'd rather me be behind a desk somewhere." An arm went around my shoulders and I froze. "Oh, come on babe. Don't lie to your little friends now, I'm so proud of you." He pulled me into a kiss and it took everything within me not to push him away. "I know you're caught up in the celebration, but you each have orders." I had never been more grateful to be sent into the middle of the ocean.

~~~

"I'm giving this to you because you'll be gone. I better not find any odd numbers on the call log when you get back." I nodded, numb at this point. We spent most of last night arguing and this morning was the same. "I love you and I'll be right here when you get back." He said before pulling me into a kiss, which I didn't return. "Kiss me back or I make the call." He whispered against my lips. A few tears ran down my cheeks as I kissed him back, my arms being thrown around his shoulders. "I love you, so much." He said and I choked on a sob. "Love you too." I muttered before grabbing my bag and walking towards the plane to load up. 

~~~

I stared out at the sea, usually being on a ship brings me peace, like it's where I'm meant to be. But I'm still numb, knowing that when we get back to Miramar, I'll have to go with Aaron. "Caila." I stared out at the ocean as Bob walked up next to me. "Are you okay?" I nodded slightly. "I'm okay, Bob." He sighed and stayed quiet for a moment, playing with his dog tags, as if he was trying to avoid something. We stayed that way for a few minutes before he stood straight and moved to stand in front of me. "If you can't do this, then you need to tell me so I can find another pilot to fly with." I furrowed my brows at him. "Something's up with you, and I don't know what it is. I'm your friend Caila, but I can't get in that jet with you if you aren't all there. I can't put my life on the line that way." I nodded and took a deep breath. "So you can either get your shit together, or I can go talk to the commander and get us both pulled from this mission and jeopardize more lives." I nodded. "You're right." He stared at me. "I need to leave my problems at the door, because my actions don't just affect me." He smiled at me and I smiled back, pulling him into a hug. "Thank you, Bobby. I don't know what I'd do without you." He chuckled and hugged me back. "Be lost and not know whose behind you." I chuckled as they called us over, to get ready for take off. "You're right, Bobby. You're so right." 

~~~

The whole ride back to Buckhead I wondered. What would happed when I stopped answering Rooster and Phoenix's texts and calls. What would happen when I never showed up to Norfolk International? When I never sprinted towards Rooster? Never took those flowers he said he'd have? He would be angry with me, he would probably try to call me a million times, to a number that's already been disconnected. 

I tried to imagine the hands on my waist as Rooster's, but the grip was too tight, I'd have bruises in the morning. They would match the ones on my ribs. Rooster would never leave bruises like those. Never hurt me, his bruises would be from love and making sure I enjoyed him giving them to me. I had my eyes closed, trying to imagine it was Rooster under me, moaning as his hands wandered my body. "Fuck, baby." Aaron's voice brought me back as tears fell down my face. He sat up and wrapped his arms around me, holding me in place as he came. "You take your pill?" I nodded. "Good, can't have any little shits running around." He chuckled. I slowly slid off of him, laying on my side of the bed, facing away from him. "Oh come on baby, don't be like that." He leaned over me, wrapping an arm around my chest and groping my breast. 

"You're getting better. Not that good, but better." I didn't even care that he insulted me, I just laid there and ignored him. He sighed and got up, slipping his boxers back on before walking out of the bedroom. After a few minutes he came back with a glass of red wine, I'm not a fan of red. "Here, baby. Drink some, it always puts you in a better mood." He held it out to me and I avoided his gaze. "Caila." I glanced to him and saw the hard look on his face. I sat up and took the glass from him, taking a sip. It was okay, just a two buck chuck from Costco. "Good, now I'm going to take a shower." He said turning and heading for the bathroom. I heard the water turn on and I sighed, dealing with him while I'm tipsy is better than dealing with him when I'm sober. I'll just finish this glass, then go pour myself some of the Riesling I had in the fridge.

Five minutes go by before I hear a pounding on the front door, I furrowed my brows and stood, slipping on some sleep shorts and a baggy naval academy shirt. I rushed down the stairs, wine glass still in hand. Without thinking I ripped the front door open, tired of hearing whoever it was pounding on it. As soon as I saw who it was, my wine glass slipped from my hand, the red spilling all over the marble floor. "Rooster?" I gasped out as tears welled in my eyes. "No. No. NO!" I yelled stepping onto the porch and closing the door behind me, tears falling down my cheeks. "What the hell are you doing here?" I asked as my chest heaved.

If Aaron saw him, it was over. He'd make a call and he'd be dead in seconds. I looked around, trying to see if I could see anyone following him but I couldn't find anything out of the ordinary on the quiet suburban street. "What the hell am I doing here? What the hell are you doing here? You should've gotten off a plane in Norfolk four days ago!" He was in distress, he looks like he hasn't been sleeping. "I have been worried sick about you! So I came down here to get you!" My breath caught in my throat. "Remember, if anything happens, I'm coming for you and I'm getting you out. You're mine now, and I'm not letting you go." He did come for me, he actually showed up. "Rooster-" "Why?" I bit my lip. "It's complicated." He shook his head and turned, running his hands through his hair. "BULLSHIT!" I jumped, he didn't yell at me, I knew he wouldn't. "Stop! You're going to wake the neighborhood!"

"Where is he?" He asked, marching up to me on the porch. I shook my head. "Rooster, no. You're not doing this." I said placing my hand on his chest. Immediately it was like my hand was on fire, in the best way. "Go home, Rooster." I said as I turned for the door, he snatched my wrist. "How can I, when home is wherever you are?" He sounded so heart broke, I turned to face him as tears slid down my cheeks. "Because I'm-" "Everything okay?" We both turned to see Melissa standing in the front yard. Only a shirt on, one of Aaron's, and barefoot as her blonde curls framed her face. "Fine, Melissa. Go home." She seemed stunned, usually I was cordial with her just to save myself the argument, but not tonight. "Hey, don't take it out on me! I just came to see what was going on." She snapped and I glared at her. "Oh my god." She muttered. "You're having an affair!" She yelled with a smirk on her face. How the hell could she know that?

"You would know all about affairs don't you, Melissa? Maybe learn to stay out of people's business." She rolled her eyes. "I stay out of people's business." My jaw dropped. "You couldn't stay out of my marriage, that's not your business." She froze and Rooster looked up at me, questioning if I wanted to do this. "Let's get this all out in the open why don't we?" I pointed at Melissa. "Rooster, this is Melissa. The same Melissa that has been sleeping with my husband since my FIRST FUCKING DEPLOYMENT!" I yelled out, pissed. I was suffering and I wanted her to suffer too. He glared at me. "Mags, come on. Let's take a breather-" "Yeah, I've been fucking him. And he's told me I'm a thousand times better than you." I rolled my eyes. "I don't give a fuck if that's what he thinks. I'd rather die than fuck him again." Rooster's head snapped up to me. 

"Then divorce him." She said smirking, as if she thought I could never let him go. "I tried, he blocked it." She furrowed her brows. "He said-" I stepped past Rooster, slowly walk towards Melissa till we were face to face and barefoot in my yard. "Said what? That he'd leave me for you? Honey, I am doing you a favor and saving you from a lot of hurt right now! You should be fucking grateful!" I yelled. Suddenly arms were around my waist and I was pulled away. "Get the fuck off of me!" I yelled, elbowing Rooster in the ribs. He dropped me as the front door swung open. I looked up and saw Aaron standing in the doorway, he was smirking and wearing nothing but a pair of shorts. "Well, well, well. What do we have here?" My heart plummeted to my feet, his presence reminded me of the original reason I was trying to get Rooster to leave. "Bradshaw. Never thought you'd show up." 

"Guess you underestimated me." Rooster pushed me behind him and I grabbed his bicep. "Rooster, please. Don't do this." Aaron smirked. "Yeah Rooster, don't do it." He taunted. He pulled out his phone, grinning at me. The fear made me feel like I was going to fall out, he was going to have Rooster killed on our front steps. "Aaron!" I yelled, pushing past Rooster who tried to grab me and I grabbed Aaron's arm. "Don't do this, please." I stared at him, tears running down my face, he stared at me for a beat. "God, I could never say no to you." He said placing his hand on my cheek, making me turn away as he wiped the tears off my cheek. "I'll give you ten minutes to get him out of here, but then I make the call." He whispered in my ear. 

He wasn't going to leave willingly. An idea popped into my head. Willingly. I rushed inside and upstairs, into the bedroom. I went into Aaron's bedside table, pulling out the phone he got me, calling 911. "911, what's your emergency?" I stood in the bedroom, not wanting to go downstairs. "My name is Caila Wilder, and I am at 7658 Turnbrook street. I have a man outside and he's yelling and acting all kinds of crazy!" It was silent for a moment. "And do you know this man?" I sighed and rubbed my face. "Not too well, we met when I was on a trip. His name is like Bradford or something." I didn't want him in any real trouble, just away from me. "Please hurry, my husband is pissed and I don't want him getting hurt." I could hear yelling downstairs and honestly hoped Rooster would beat the shit out of Aaron, I'd bail him out any day. 

"Don't worry Mrs. Wilder, I have two units en route." I sighed, "Thank you." We hung up and I went back downstairs. I took a deep breath before walking outside. Aaron was in Roosters face, "You can leave, or I can kill you right here where you stand!" I rushed forward as Rooster lunged, grabbing Aaron. "You can kill me, but I will make sure you go down with me motherfucker! YOU DON'T FUCKING DESERVE HER!" "HEY! HEY!" I stepped between them, pushing them apart. I whipped around to Aaron and felt dizzy as I did so. "Just stop, the cops are on their way." I heard Rooster chuckle and I turned and glared at him, the vertigo getting worse. "They're coming for you." I said and his face dropped. "Me? I came to get you away from this psychopath!" I grabbed my head as the everything around me spun, Rooster reaching out for me. "I don't need your help." My words started slurring. 

"What the fuck?" I said as I looked to Rooster and I couldn't even see him properly. He was distorted. I felt myself sway and trip over my own feet, I fell back towards Aaron and I felt arms around me. "Hey, pretty girl. Look at me." I heard Rooster, he was closer to my face so I could see him better. I couldn't even form sentences at this point. "Hey honey, hang in there." I could hear the sirens but my eyes slowly rolled back in my head and I lost consciousness.

~~~

I turned over the next morning, groaning as the sun flowed in. "Hey baby." I tensed at his voice, wanting to sink into the mattress as he sat next to me. "You had a lot of wine last night, knocked out in the middle of arguing with Rooster." My eyes flew open, it wasn't a dream? "We have to go down to the station by noon to give our statements. Don't worry babe, we're gonna press charges and get him away from us for good." He kissed me before standing. He was in a black shirt and royal blue running shorts. "I'm going for a run before we go, I'll be gone about an hour." I nodded as he left, I waited a few minutes after the door closed and I jumped up, nausea hitting me as I did. Oh, I was definitely hung over. 

I got dressed in some leggings and a baggy t-shirt before snatching my sunglasses, purse and keys off the dresser. I rushed down to my jeep and took off for the police station, trying not to puke. As I arrived I rushed in, "Is Bradley Bradshaw still here?" The officer looked up at me, wide eyed. "Mrs. Wilder glad to see you're okay. Mr. Bradshaw is still here, would you like to press the charges?" I furrowed my brows. "What charges?" He looked at the list. "Trespassing, and Assault. Those are the only two right now." I shook my head gently. "He didn't threaten or harm anyone, he didn't even yell the whole time." Well, that was a lie and hopefully one I could keep in the dark. 

"Look, I just want to get him out. How much is his bail?" The officer told me and I paid it, five hundred dollars later. They went and got him, I paced in the lobby as I waited. "Here's your phone." The officer glared at him as Rooster snatched his phone. He slowly came down the stairs, staring at his phone as he did. He looked up, his face softening upon seeing me. I figured he would storm past me, deciding to walk to pick up his truck at the impound lot but instead he rushed over, gathering me in his arms. "Thank god, you're okay." He held me, and I should've immediately pushed him away but I decided to be selfish for a minute. I wrapped my arms around him, inhaling his intoxicating scent as he buried his face in my hair. "God, you scared me last night." I pulled back, my arms still around him as he cradled my face. "What happened after I passed out?"

"Mags?" Rooster called out, still cradling Magnolia in his arms. The officers pulled into the driveway, Rooster turned with Magnolia in his arms. "Hey! We need an ambulance!" Both officers pointed their guns at him. "Sir, put the woman down." Rooster furrowed his brows. "Put her down!" The other officer yelled, motioning for him to put her down. He complied, gently laying her on the ground. He slowly stood back up with his hands raised. "What'd you do to her?" They asked as one cuffed his hands behind his back. "Nothing! I'd never hurt her." One officer scoffed. They walked him over to the cruiser, and as he turned he saw Aaron bent over her body, brushing the hair from her face. He was livid, watching Aaron play the caring husband he should've been to begin with. 

"Sir, do you still want us to call an ambulance?" They asked, looking over to Aaron who had now picked you up in his arms, struggling. "No, she had a glass of wine. She's a real lightweight." Rooster furrowed his brows, Magnolia was a lightweight but more of a two drinks in and she's giggly lightweight. This was something else, then he remembered she dropped a half a glass of wine when she opened the door. "He put something in her drink." He said looking at the officer, who furrowed his brows. "He put something in her fucking drink!" Rooster yelled. They rolled their eyes and forced him into the cruiser. 

Tears welled in my eyes, I felt so bad to put him through that but he's standing here alive because I did. "Um, thank you. For trying to get help." He brushed my hair back, and I took a step back. "Rooster, this has to stop." He ran his hands over his face. "I can't just quit you." I was wringing my hands together. "Well, you're gonna have to. I can't do this Rooster, it was just some pipe dream. Being with you, it can never happen. I belong here with Aaron, not you." He looked hurt, and it broke my heart. "I'll give you a ride to the impound lot for the Bronco, but after that all communication is gone." He scoffed. "Is that why you changed your number? And won't talk to me or Phoenix?" I swallowed, hating myself for spitting out the next words. "Yeah, Aaron doesn't like you guys. I have to respect that." He scoffed. "Like he respects you enough to not fuck your neighbor because apparently you can't satisfy him?" I bit my lip, that hurt but it was good, he was angry. "I lead you on Rooster, you were just some boytoy I was chasing, thinking you were better than Aaron. You're not." He looked hurt as he stormed past me. "I'll walk to the fucking impound lot." I stood there as I felt my heart break. I cried as I walked out to my jeep, seeing him walk down the street. I started it up and blew past him, sobbing my heart out as I headed home. 

As I got home Aaron had come out of the shower. "I heard from a little birdie you went down to the station." I bit my lip, scared of what was to come next. "You bailed him out." I nodded. "Why?" I looked up at him. "Because he didn't actually do anything." I felt his hand strike me across the face, knocking me into the couch which I caught myself on. "HE'S THE PROBLEM FOR EVERYTHING!" He screamed at me. "LIKE YOU WEREN'T THE ONE TO STEP OUT ON THIS MARRIAGE FIRST!" His hand wrapped around me throat, squeezing just enough. "I took care of that problem, Melissa won't be coming around anymore." He said before letting me go, shoving me backwards into the couch table, knocking a candle over. "Clean that shit up." He demanded as I straightened myself up. "Always breaking shit." I heard him mutter as he disappeared into the kitchen. 

~~~

"CAILA!" I jumped, smudging my mascara in the mirror. What did I do now? It's been a month since Rooster showed up, and exactly three weeks since it was realized, Melissa was missing. It was like she walked right out her door, no one can find her. I wiped my face and walked downstairs, "Everything okay?" I asked. He was squatting on the floor by the couch. He stood and turned to me. "I got you something." He said giving me a smile, one I haven't seen since we first started dating. He shifted to the side and the most adorable puppy ran towards me. It was all black with beautiful blue eyes. "Oh, hi!" I cheered as I got in the floor. The puppy ran up, trying to chew my hands as I pet it. "It's a girl, I figured you could name her." 

I grabbed her and stood. "Oh, you're perfect." I looked at her paws. "My god! You're gonna be a big girl!" I said as she licked my face. "Not really, she's a mini great dane." I furrowed my brows. "Um, these are as big as bear paws. But don't worry, you'll grow into them!" I said as she squirmed in my arms. She already stood a foot tall, head to paw, she'll be a big girl. "Should we go to the pet store?" Aaron asked and I nodded. "Yes!" I rushed forward and pulled him into a hug. "Thank you." He nodded and grabbed my hand, leading us out to my jeep and to the pet store, where we spent so much money on dog beds, collar and leash, toys, training gear and a crate. 

~~~

"Dahlia, no!" I said as I snatched my top from her. "No, ma'am. You know better!" I scolded, she just hung her head and crawled into her crate. I pushed the door to be closed but never latched it. Dahlia is a handful at three months, she chews everything in sight and her toys only work for so long. She's definitely a super chewer and that means no soft toys, only durable ones. There was a knock on my dressing room door. "Come in." The door opened and Jameson stood there, tear tracks down his face and bloodshot eyes. "She call you?" He nodded. I rushed over and pulled his tall frame into a hug. "Why would she do this to me?" I shook my head. "Because she's an idiot for letting you go." He squeezed me as I rubbed his back. 

Josephine, the girl who snagged my brothers heart three years ago. He proposed when we were all at dinner three nights ago, in the middle of a tour my mother all but forced me to join. She not only turned him down, but admitted she never loved him to begin with. Jameson, while being a tall and well built man, eight years older than me, has always been in touch with his emotions. He has no problem expressing his emotions, especially with me. We've been close since I was born, he was my best friend, my protector, and now it was my turn to protect him. He stood back and I wiped his eyes. "Come on J, I know it hurts but this proves she wasn't worth it, even if it doesn't feel that way now. It's gonna take a while, but I'm here every step of the way." He chuckled and sat on the couch in my dressing room, Dahlia coming out of her cage to prop herself against his knees, wanting attention. "It's hard to imagine that we hated each other as kids." I chuckled. "I wanted to play barbies, you wanted to ride bikes with your friends."

It wasn't till J turned sixteen and started driving that we got along. I covered for him when he snuck out, he brought me along with his friends. Plus seeing his friends and him spend time with his kid sister, caught the attention of many girls because it was 'sweet'. "Did you really not like her?" I shrugged. "In the beginning I did, but as time went on, I wasn't a fan. You didn't see it, but we saw how she treated you. That necklace you bought her for Christmas last year?" He nodded. "You know she had the gall to complain to me about it, asking me why it didn't have more diamonds?" He rolled his eyes. "I really am sorry J." He nodded. "Me too."

I furrowed my brows, "Why?" He sat there for a minute, just petting Dahlia as she rested her head on his knee. "For not getting you out." I pursed my lips. "I should've ran him off when I first noticed. But I thought, 'She's a big girl now, doesn't need her big brother to protect her.' Maybe I should've, now you're stuck." I scoffed and sat next to him on the couch, leaning my head on his shoulder. "I'll always need my big brother, you're my best friend J." He chuckled and squeezed me into a side hug. "She's restless." He said watching Dahlia. "Yeah, it's been about two hours since I walked her. I'll finish my hair and makeup before I take her." He nodded and left as I placed curls in my hair. My makeup was shimmery, bright. Over the time since I left for Top gun, I wrote so many songs and even recorded them in my off time. Mom offered for me to tour with her to get me away from Aaron, which I jumped at. He's been acting weird lately, nice one minute then mean the next. 

Of course when I agreed, I didn't realize she would force me on stage. Jameson took the first opening spot so I would have more time between him and mom. We were in Austin, Texas. It was a sold out stadium and it was nerve wracking. We had four hours until the show started, plenty of time to wear Dahlia out. We walked around the venue, her using the bathroom as soon as we got outside, thank god she learns fast. We walked back inside and passed by one of the back entrances. "Come on man, I know her!" I stopped, hearing a familiar voice. "You're not on my list, you don't come in." I heard Mark, our head of security said. "I served with her man!" No way. I stepped around the corner with Dahlia on my heels to see Hangman and a blonde girl with him. 

"Hangman?" His head snapped up and he smirked before motioning to me. "See!" He said as Mark crossed his arms over his chest. "What are you doing here?" He was in his khakis, giving me that million dollar smile. "Brought my sister, Laura here to see the show." He said motioning to the blonde girl with him. She gave me a small wave, standing kind of behind Hangman. I gave her a big smile and waved back. "No tickets?" He stepped closer. "No, it was last minute. Her birthday plans fell through." He said lowly and I nodded. "Well come on then." I said motioning them to follow me. "Mrs. Wilder," I cringed at the name. "Motley, Mark. They're friends and they're fine." I said sternly. 

I motioned them to follow me, walking back inside. "So, you're touring now?" I nodded. "Just until I get another assignment. Mom kind of forced me to join." He chuckled. "And that husband of yours?" I shrugged. "Home, he doesn't like being on the road. I love it." Hangman nodded. "Well Magnolia, this is my older sister Laura." She smiled at me and shook my hand. "I always knew you gave off little brother energy Hangman." Laura laughed. "He's the youngest." I smirked at him. "Aw, da wittle baby!" He gave me an award winning grin. "So, since it's your birthday, how about we go pester my brother?" Laura stalled. "Oh, I don't know. I'd hate to bother him." I chuckled. "He needs the distraction, come on." I grabbed her hand and led her to J's dressing room. 

I pounded on the door, in hopes I startled him. The door swung open, "What the hell do you want?" He asked dramatically. "I came to introduce some friends of mine." I said leaning on the door frame. "J, this is Hangman, we served together, and this is is older sister Laura." I smiled at him and noticed the look in his eyes. "H-hi, I'm Jameson." She giggled as he grabbed her hand kissing it. I looked to Hangman with raised brows, he stared at me then to them and back to me. Immediately the struck up a conversation, Laura taking J's arm and walking away. "Did that-" "Yep." I finished for Hangman. "I'm surprised," Hangman glared at me. "Stop. J proposed to his last girlfriend three days ago, I'm surprised he became that infatuated with a woman that quick." Hangman crossed his arms over his chest. "She's not a rebound." I nodded. "I doubt she will be, but I'll make sure of it." 

~~~

It's been three weeks since the show in Houston, we were in Virginia Beach, and Jameson and Laura have been talking non-stop. He actually just got back from visiting her. "Caila, she's so sweet and amazing." I smiled at him. "I'm glad you like her, J. I really am glad." He had a huge grin on his face. "I like her a lot." I chuckled as we split off, me going to my dressing room to get ready. I had half of my hair clipped up in a pile on my head while I curled the bottom half, when there was a knock on my door. "Come in." I was in the attached bathroom when the door opened, out of my sight. "Caila, someone's here to see you." My mom said making me quirk a brow. Who the hell could it be? We were in Virginia Beach and there was a huge Navy presence here, could be anyone. 

"Okay, I'll be out in a second." I said as I adjusted the bedazzled bustier I was going to wear on stage. I slid on the cropped denim shorts before walking out, I wasn't sure who I expected. But Rooster was not it. My heart raced as I stopped in the doorway, staring at him. His back was to me as he pet Dahlia through her cage. I admired him for a moment, he had a hair cut but his curls were still prominent, his faded jeans clung to his legs. But of course, his Hawaiian shirt flowed around him, showing the muscles in his biceps, the same ones I launched myself into when he arrived in San Francisco. I wanted to just stare at him, stay in this peace, because I knew it would end in a matter of minutes. 

I leaned on the doorway as he stood and turned, catching my eye. "Hey." I whispered and he gave me a small smile. "Hi." Silence filled the air and yet it was not uncomfortable. We stared at each other me playing with my fingers, him with his hands in his pockets. "You, uh, you look good." I smiled at him. Trying to make it seem like I'm okay, when in reality I only am because I haven't seen Aaron in five weeks. "Thanks, you look good too." God he did, he was a little more tan since I last saw him but that mustache never changed. "So, you're performing now?" I nodded. "Until I get an assignment." He nodded. "And Aaron?" I sighed, knowing this conversation would take a turn. "Seattle for some seminar, he doesn't like being on the road anyway." He bit his lip. "Rooster?" He looked to me and I saw a glimmer of hope in his eyes, one I had to crush. 

"Why are you here?" I asked quietly. "Your mom invited me to see the show and give me some pictures." He held them out to me. There were two, one was a man who looked almost exactly like Rooster, and a blonde woman. They both had huge grins on their faces as the woman had something in her hand, upon closer inspection I saw it was two pregnancy tests. My mom was standing next to the woman, looking like she was jumping up and down with excitement. "Are-are these your parents?" He nodded. "My dad Nick and my mom Carol." A smile grew on my face. "You could be your dads twin." I looked up at him, he was standing a little behind me, looking at the picture. "But I meant, why are you here in my dressing room?" I asked as I flipped to the second picture. It was my parents wedding, and Nick and Carol were handing my beaming mother a little baby. 

"I wanted to talk to you." I inhaled deeply as I handed him the pictures and sat in my chair, putting some space between us. "What about?" He licked his lips as he stared at the pictures. "Why did you really not come to Norfolk?" I pursed my lips, staring at my hands. "You know, I wasn't popular in school. Guys never really paid me much mind. But Aaron did, first thing he called me was beautiful." I looked up at him to see him staring at me. "I had never been called that by a guy. It made me giddy. Our relationship was great until it wasn't, but by that time I was in so deep. I love him, a lot." I wanted to vomit as the words left my mouth. "When I called you that weekend in San Francisco, it was a moment of weakness. Aaron and I were going through a rough patch, and I sought comfort from the only person who I know would give it without a second thought." 

He looked hurt at my words. "That's all you were Rooster, just someone who would hold me while I thought my marriage was falling apart." He sat on the couch in the dressing room, holding his head in his hands. "I led you on Rooster," I said as I stood and walked over, crouching in front of him and resting my hand on his knee. It's like my hand caught on fire in the best way. "I led you on, and I am so sorry because I never wanted to hurt you." I said as tears slid down my face. He looked up at me, sadness and tears in his eyes. "I would've let you keep leading me on if it meant you were mine." He laid his hand over mine on his knee. "Rooster, it will never happen, and until you realize that you're just gonna keep hurtin'." He stood, intertwining his fingers behind his head. 

"Why not me? Am I not-" "Don't you dare ask me if you're not good enough, Bradley." He stared at me as I glared in return. "Listen to me. You are a wonderful man, you have such a big heart, you care, you're kind, and you fight so hard for things you want. I just met Aaron first, and fell in love with him." He had tears running down his face. "He gives me what I need." He dropped his hands. "You really know how to spin a lie, Mags." I furrowed my brows. "He gives you what he thinks you need. Living in a loveless marriage, that's not you." I pursed my lips. "My marriage isn't loveless." His face was turning red from frustration. Good, he'll see how difficult I am and hopefully stay away. "You said so yourself that first night at Phoenix's!" He spoke loudly but didn't yell. I rubbed my face. "I was lost Rooster, you showed me attention and I ate it up." He scoffed. "Did you know Aaron is the only guy I've ever been with in anyway? First boyfriend, first kiss, first everything. First guy to ever show me attention that wasn't to laugh at me."  

His face fell. "In the airport, it was a moment between us. You asked why I never arrived in Norfolk, it's because after you left I realized. I realized I could never leave Aaron! I love him, he loves me. Why would I throw that away for you Rooster?" I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. "So, I'm not good enough." I had to hurt him, it was the only way. "I've tried to be nice Rooster, but no, you're not. You will never be good enough for me!" I yelled. "Get out! Goddammit, get out Rooster! I am tired of this fucking back and forth with you! I don't want you, I never truly have, and I never will!" The look on his face made me sick, "You mean it?" I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. "I don't love you Rooster, get that through your thick fucking head and get out before I call security and have you tossed out." I couldn't look at him, I would give in if I did. After a moment I heard the door open and slam shut. 

"You gave me that attention, it was new and quite frankly, a breath of fresh air. But I love him, Rooster. He treats me the way I deserve." He stormed over and grabbed my arms firmly, not tight but enough to hold me still. "And beating the shit out of you is what you deserve?" I opened my mouth but didn't know what to say. "Yeah, I know. I saw the bruises on your legs when I showed up that night. I know what he does to you." I pursed my lips. "And don't you ever say you deserve it." He grabbed my face in his hands. "I can and will give you everything you truly deserve. All you have to do is let me help you." I shoved his hands off my face. "God, just stop Rooster! It would never work, I-I'm too high maintenance for you!" I was spewing stuff to try and get him to leave. "Bullshit!" I scoffed. "I'm serious! You've seen me outside of uniform. The dresses, the jewelry, the shoes!" "You hate shoes, you'd rather be barefoot." I pursed my lips. "I don't love you. I never did."

I thought I would be okay but as I finished my hair the tears started. As I finished my hair the sobs hit and I could hardly support myself. I crawled over to the couch and laid on it, sobbing into a blanket I brought. "Caila?" Jameson rushed over, grabbing my shoulders. "What's wrong? I just saw Rooster and he was pissed, he was crying." I couldn't breathe let alone speak as I sobbed. "Caila! Hey, come on!" He sat me up, leaning my over his lap and rubbed my back as one hand ran through my hair. We sat like that for a few minutes before I could breathe. "What the hell, Caila." I sniffled as I leaned my head on his shoulder. "I love him, J." He stopped all movements, shocked. "Rooster?" I nodded as I sobbed. It took me a few more minutes before I calmed down completely. "Can you keep a secret?" 

"Of course, I kept all your secrets over the years." I inhaled deeply. "You remember when Mom brought my jeep out to San Francisco?" I felt him nod. "After she left, I spoke to Rooster. He told me he would do anything for me. I asked him to fly out and he did. We spent that weekend together." "Caila, did you have an affair with him?" I nodded. "We never slept together but I was basically yeah, I did. He gave me my gold necklace and told me he loved me in the airport." I heard J sigh. "I called him and told him I loved him too. After Top gun I was gonna come home, file for divorce and catch a flight to Norfolk, where Rooster was going to pick me up from the airport and I was going to be with him."

"What changed?" I bit my lip. "Aaron found out and blocked the divorce." I couldn't tell him that Aaron was having Rooster followed, hell he probably already knows which made me nervous. "I had to make him think I didn't care, J. It broke my heart to see him so hurt." He kissed my head before sitting me up. "You hurt yourself in the process." I nodded as I wiped the tears from my cheeks. "I don't know what you're in Caila, but you can't keep doing this to yourself." I just leaned my head on his shoulder, not wanting to tell him anymore. 

After two hours I was show ready. Denim shorts, my bedazzled bustier, and black and rhinestone fringe jacket. I walked over towards the stage, Jameson already out performing. I grabbed a water from the table by the stage and looked for my dad. I looked over and saw him talking to Rooster. I took a deep breath and walked over with a smile on my face, my burgundy lipstick making my teeth look whiter. "Hey, sweetie." Dad said as I walked over. "Hi, daddy." He looked to Rooster. "I don't know if your mother told you, but we invited Rooster." I smiled and nodded, that southern courtesy coming through. "She didn't, but we have seen each other already." And I was so awful to him. "Mrs. Wilder," I cringed at the name and turned to see Josh, he's the one who keeps me on time. "Two minutes and your on." I nodded and turned to my dad. "Better go take our place in the crowd then." Dad said to Rooster. "Not gonna watch from the crowd for, J?" I teased and dad chuckled. "Nope, I've seen your brother perform many times. But it's not every day my little girl is on stage." He said poking my cheek, I rolled my eyes but laughed anyway. 

"Oh, by the way, I got you something. It was supposed to be ready before your first show but there were some delays in getting it." From a box behind him he pulled out a snow white Stetson, with a rhinestone band. I gasped as he handed it to me. "Oh my god, it's beautiful daddy!" I hugged him tightly. "Thank you!" I squealed as I handed it back. "Would you do the honors?" He nodded and placed the hat on my head, it was a perfect fit. "Did you measure my head in my sleep or somethin'? It fits perfectly." He smirked and sipped on the whiskey he had. "Of course not." I chuckled. "Your mother did." I smacked his arm as he chuckled. "ONE MINUTE!" I shook my hands out. "Wish me luck!" Dad kissed my cheek and I smiled at Rooster who pursed his lips, watching the entire interaction. "Enjoy the show Rooster." He nodded as I turned and ran for the platform under the stage. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taglist:

@mak-32 @rosiahills22

[godestof3worlds]

Ten Random Lines

Rules: pick any ten of your fics, scroll to the midpoint, pick a line (or three) and share it. Then tag ten people.

I was tagged by @sivan325​ & @scottxlogan. Thank you for the tag!

Have You Ever Seen Something So Wonderful (VLD)

I fumble with my own swords as I take several unbalanced steps backwards until my back is leaning against a wooden pole that holds the sails. I look down to see water just below me, roaring as the storm finally greets the battle.  

It starts pouring rain, my blood mixing with the falling water. Lotor doesn't slip- lucky bastard- but he walks slowly as I try to catch my breath. I grip my sword in my hand tightly, knowing my knuckles turned white.  

Lotor doesn't give a final speech once he approaches me, only an evil smile as he looks down at me like I'm some ant under his boot. I almost laugh at the mere thought but it would pain me too much for just the simple gesture.  

2. Gravity is Not My Friend (Iron Man Movies)

I can’t catch for shit and if I do it doesn’t make much of a difference in the outcome. I remember how I couldn’t catch any fruit Jarvis tossed to me or anything Stane threw at me. I remember how I couldn’t catch Pepper when she fell to her ‘death’ or how I couldn’t catch Rhodey when he got hit by Vision’s beam. I remember how I couldn’t catch the moon Thanos dropped on me or when I did catch Peter the kid still dusted into particles and was gone for five years. I'm not a valuable catcher and now it seems like I have to catch again.

This time though... This time I need to catch my baby girl, even if she is fifteen, she will always be my baby who said she loves my 3,000.

3. BANG BANG BANG (TUA)

Finally, a voice breaks through the fog or pain and numbness, “This is going to hurt.”  

I try to brace for it but somebody grabs me, definitely aggravating my injuries, and then we’re falling again. I clench my eyes shut at the sudden bout of nausea and barely keep the contents of my stomach inside when we finally land. My injuries turn into fire and I arch my back against the pain erupting all over me.  

4. You and Me Against the World (VLD)

No no no no no no. This wasn’t supposed to happen! Pidge was supposed to have gotten away. She was supposed to have followed Kolivan, Sam, and Matt and gotten away. She was supposed to be safe and away, not protecting me. I was supposed to take the hit, I would have survived the hit. Now Pidge is in my arms and dying because she took a hit from that witch that was meant for me.   

I killed her. I killed that witch. Grabbed a stake and stabbed it through her black heart. I watched the life leave her eyes as she dragged her nails down my shoulder, possibly scaring me for life though it wouldn’t be the first time she left a wound that wouldn’t heal. It burns but my chest is in more pain at the mere thought of Pidge not surviving, especially before I tell her my feelings for her.

5. Bleeding Out For You (Divergent)

“No.” I growl before I grab his shirt and I punch him in his chest, seeing him get pushed into one of his lackeys, which they decide to come closer and I know that Tris is getting Caleb so I quickly form a wall with my body while she talks to Caleb.  

“Oh yeah, this is going to be fun.”  

“Everybody just calm down all right?”  

And I see Tris start to advance before I quickly grab her wrist, hoping we won’t have to fight. I see her eyes widen as she looks down at her wrist that is now covered with my blood from the wound. She looks startled as she searches me for wounds until she notices my hip.  

6. Death is Not the End But a Glorified Existence (VLD)

“I don’t know the other guy, but if he’s with Shiro then he has to be a friend then foe.”  

“He’s Keith.”  

I look down at the girl, “You know him?”  

She nods, “He’s the one Pidge has been getting information from and brought her here before he disappeared. He helped us on our last mission and took with him a baby vampire. He's not one though because he was out in the sun and didn’t turn into ash.”  

I turn back to the screen and see that they are both staring at the camera and waiting for something to happen, “What should we do?”

7. I Don't Need to Breathe (But I Still Need Oxygen) (TUA)

“Are you back to the land of the living?”  

I nod my head slowly as I take a deep breath, “Y-yeah. S-so-sorry.”  

I grit my teeth at the stutter. I see Five just nod before he sits on the bed.  

“No need to apologize. You didn’t wake the others; you weren’t even that loud. I only heard because I'm a trained time assassin who was getting his evening coffee.”  

I just nod my head as I put my face in my hands and just sigh. I sit there for a minute before I look up to see Five staring at me.  

8. I'm Not Sorry (TUA)

“Can we go to the Academy?”  

It takes me a second to answer, thinking about what Five said, “I don’t know.”  

“I think we should. I want to meet the others! And he did say that he would make us so...” Keith just shrugs his shoulders with a smile like everything was so easy, “Will Uncle Klaus and Aunt Vanya be there?”  

I shrug my shoulders at his question, “I have no idea buddy, but if you did want to talk to them, we could schedule a date,” I offer.  

9. The Rise of Voltron's Family (VLD)

“Did you hear her?” The Altean didn't sound rude this time, but curious. 

Her head was tilted a little and she had her hands on her hips like she was belittling some kit or something. And then her eyes widen as she takes a step backwards. 

“And why are you pale instead of purple?” Oh yeah, I forgot I had to shift. 

“Because I am what you will call a half-breed, I'm not a full-blooded Galran.” I take a step backwards, not wanting to go into my genetics right now. 

10. I'm Selfish (But It's Warm and Safe) (Avengers Movies)

“Who did this to you?” He repeats.  

I shrug my shoulders and study the ground because I can’t force myself to answer the question. It doesn’t matter, there isn’t much he can do about it anyway, I'll just worry him for no reason. I just need to live through junior and senior year and I'll be out of his way and hopefully out of his iron hold on me. Besides, Stark men are made out of iron. I can totally handle this on my own because I’m a Stark. I don’t need anybody to worry about me. I'm fine.  

I am gonna tag: @flannelfangirl / @quintessenceofdust73 / @dchan87 / @sisiwritesfanfics / @bluedemon1995 / @princessallura052 / @cmdr-fil / @kalluraloveblog / @crimson-mage-02 and whoever wants to join in!

[meteorsage]

Things my brain thinks it predicted

In 2019 I committed to a very risky decision

So there I am, 5k miles from home, explaining to someone that if she's not the queen of their block then she's probably in a cult

She says that because I pray I must be in a cult too

I don't remember everything I say, I remeber breaking every point down to explain it thoroughly. She thought it would be funny to have me autistically explain metaphors and I, for reasons that made sense at the time, said "sale y vale"

- iron crown defeats draconian; I thought this would be an astrological event. It was not

- 2 Mayan bros, like the hero story, both in comic book movies from different halves of the world; yall see those Blue Beetle and One Piece live action movies? I'm glad Iñaki got to dub himself

- a rosy idol-of-idols that rises out of a field of grass in the Midwest, and is worshipped by rosy-tinted folks of all shades. Where the Gaga implied, she *is*. She does not have "ironic" enjoyers, only "zealots" and "zero-interests". Karma is her kink, she says so in a song. [The host asked me if that was my favorite song, I said mine was about the pretty pink horses, she references a slur for gay men, I ask if me wearing a pastel star would make things easier for her]

- A movie about a baby deer, effect is people empathetic to men who go though abuse. They still interview the abuser [My host commented that this sounded like a self-pitying fantasy]

- Colbert & Carell reminiscing on the late show when Colbert turns 60 because "60" is when someone is officially Old™️ [The host asked about Carell, I said that they used to a popular skit together on The Daily Show. She insists, Colbert is from The Colbert Report. She is right, so am I]; it happened, adorable 🥹

- A streak of green fire shines in the sky and lights a crown; I thought this was about the idol from before, it wasn't 🍀☄️

- The lit crown will sparkle for a year and a half before twinkling brightly. It's glimmer to catch the eye of the whole world; NASA confirms we're gonna see a supernova out by Corona Borealis between now and Sept 2024

- trump wears a diaper and then trump fans wear em too

- The liberal candidate wins re-election, immediately regrets it [my host wanted details. I didn't know and guessed Biden, "he's old as balls and doesn't want the job, but he's also Obama-Adjacent & that's all the dems had for Clinton in 2016"]

- trump fans federally shit the bed [The host asks why the diapers didn't help. I don't know, "must've been before that" I guess]

- "idiot-kings will rise and a Plauge will grip the world for a week, a fortnight, a year, and then half a decade. Maybe more. Its life grows with humanity's arrogance, colosseum entertainment for kings running out of a crowd to impress" [I left my host a Doctor Who themed shirt, captioned "Stay in the Light" and featured an astronaut skeleton]

- Still no TES 6, Princess Zelda gets her own Zelda game, 50 flavors of overwatch

- return of "Silver Dollars" [I'm hoping for new coins]

- cruelty will become cringe, and "cruel humor" will be seen in the same light as "homophobic humor"

- 5 penny stocks go incredibly high, as a joke, and break the illusion of control the financial oligarchs have curated. It only stops being funny a while after the 5th time [My host empathizes with the oligarchs and their need to control others]

- Revolutions in equatorial countries results in more stable democracy than decades of "Stable Democracy" meddling in local politics

- Jimmy Kimmel is replaced with a holographic emoji operated by an algorithm. It improves the show

[rillils]

Hi! That Drunk kiss wass amazing! May i humbly ask for joeandnicky ‘im sorry’ kiss? TIA

Hello my friend! Thank you so much, both for your sweet words and for sending this prompt (#6. "I'm sorry" kiss from this prompt list). Also, shoutout to my wonderful beeb @damnitfili for her major input on the idea behind this ficlet *smooches the beeb's forehead* Here, have 599 words of immortal husbands feels :3

*

If there’s one thing Joe has learned about humanity in all his long years, it’s that mankind has never truly abandoned its quest for immortality. People are so fascinated by the idea of eternity, they have filled most of their stories with it – myths, legends, books, movies, all of them built around the same, arrogant, alluring promise of walking through life with forever in your pocket, and death somebody else’s concern.

They don’t know, they can’t know, that the true measure of eternity lies in this. In watching the life bleed out of Nicky, pooling thick and crimson beneath him, and in crawling over him like the most abject of God’s creatures, waiting, waiting, powerless and spiraling into madness because of it.

“Nicolò, please...”

Eternity is watching as time stretches by endlessly; as two minutes turn into three, and three into four, and the seconds keep trickling by, drip. drip. drip., slow and dark like molasses, and still Nicky won’t wake up.

It’s not knowing if this is it, this is where they run out of luck at last; it’s wondering if tomorrow, and all the tomorrows from here into infinity will look just like this, stilted and wrong with the empty shape of Nicky cut out of them,

until–

– until Nicky is gasping for air, his whole body jolting with the shock of being alive, again, alive.

“Nicky!”

Joe is all over him in a heartbeat, tears blurring his vision as he grasps for Nicky, feels Nicky’s chest stutter with new breath under his hand.

“Joe,” Nicky croaks out, half-blind still and already reaching for him, and before he knows it, Joe is crumpling into him, sobbing as Nicky’s arms come up around him.

“I thought this time, I’d lost you for sure,” he rasps breathlessly, wetting Nicky’s cheeks with his own tears. “I thought, this is it, I’ll never– never see his eyes again, never–”

“Oh Joe, my Joe.” Cool like a balm, Nicky’s touch envelops him, cradling his face as Nicky reaches up to press a kiss to his cheekbone, then his brow. “No, vita mia, no,” he murmurs, brushing one more kiss over Joe’s nose, the corner of his eye, the softness of his beard. “I’m so sorry, so sorry I scared you, so sorry, love.”

He leans up to capture Joe’s lips, and this kiss Joe melts into, with everything he has.

Nicky’s hands are slick with his own blood, but they get warmer, warmer as he holds Joe close, palms the nape of his neck with a gentleness no creature on God’s green earth deserves – and the gentler he is, the harder Joe clutches at him. He grips Nicky’s blood-soaked shirt so tight, heart racing desperately behind his ribs, and Nicky–

Nicky’s here. Nicky’s mouth is salt and iron and honey-sweetness on the flat of Joe’s tongue, and his arms are a cradle, and oh, oh, tenderness was born with him, Joe knows– born with Nicky, for him and for him only.

When they part, Nicky rubs the pad of his thumb over Joe’s cheek, regretful. “I got blood all over you.”

Joe grasps Nicky’s hand gently, dropping a kiss on the soft inside of his wrist. “Leave it.”

Nicky clicks his tongue, but he doesn’t question it. He understands.

When they go, they’ll go together. They’ll be as they have been since the day they found each other, one flesh, one blood, one death between the two of them.

“Yusuf.”

“I know. I love you, too.”

Until then, they’ll walk side by side, and make eternity as sweet as they can.

send me a prompt + ship and I'll write a short ficlet for you!

[earthling55]

Broken Pieces (Ecthelion)

This is the first chapter of my book “A New Moon.” But it can work as a stand alone. More info at the bottom!

Word count: 1.9k

I'm jolted awake by something. A feeling so primal I don't even stop to question it as I spring out of bed and rush down the hallway.

My head is pounding, the cause of which I have no idea, but somehow, even in my pained state, I know where to go.

Down this hallway, then another, through the stairwell, out into the yard, then I'm walking down the street.

I pass by rows of vendors and small shops, all closed for the high, although lights twinkle from inside some, whispering hello to me as I pass by.

I know this street. I've walked it before, but my memories of how and why are hazy.

I walk for what feels like hours but in reality, can't be more than a few minutes. 10 at best.

I stop in front of a large mansion. It's beautiful. The house is a blend of shades of blue. Rose bushes and other flowers outline the garden in front. Something about it feels like home, but I can't put my finger on it.

There's a fountain in the center of the courtyard. As I watch the water trickling down, memories flash through my head. They're fragmented, distorted.

In one scene I'm sitting on the edge of the fountain in front of me. There's a figure next to me. We're laughing, but I can't tell who it is because their face is missing, seemingly erased from my memory. In another, I'm holding someone's hand as we walk down the street into this very yard. The images are vivid but distorted, yet I know, somehow, that the ellon in them - the one I'm laughing with and the whose hand I'm holding - are one and the same.

A sob jolts be out of my hazy memories, and that primal instinct is once again awoken.

There, sitting at the edge of the steps leading into the house, is an ellon with a young child. They're related, I can tell even from back here. Their hair is one and the same, a shade of black so dark it has a blue sheen to it.

They're vaguely familiar. Their faces etched in my brain, but whatever connection I had to them is severed, faded into the background of memories out of my reach.

The boy notices me first. He can't be more than 30 years old, a mere child (around 5 or 6 to humans). He's been crying, his face stained with dried tears while more flow ever freely from his eyes.

At my approach, he looks up. His eyes seem to clear, and in a blink of an eye he's barreling towards me, making a dive towards my legs with open arms while a cry of 'Naneth' leaves his lips.

It breaks my heart. Why, I do not know, but on instinct I crouch to receive him, crushing him against my bosom and planning to never let him go.

My body knows what it is doing, but my mind does not.

Something tugs at my heart, the place where my bond is, or would be if I had one. But I don’t? My fea reaches out to it instinctively, and my broken mind is shocked as someone else's fea receives it, reviving mine and checking for...damages?

A gasp alerts me to the other presence, reminding me that me and this little boy, we are not alone. Looking up, I lock eyes with the adult ellon. I wish I hadn't, as something breaks inside them as he looks into my eyes. I can feel it in his fea as well. It's him, the one reaching out to mine. His strong one, teaming with life, seems to deflate slightly, yet it still caresses mine with the utmost love and care.

The child's still sobbing away into my neck, hands holding on to my thin night shift with an iron grip.

I take his head in my hands, intent to dry away his tears, but what I see makes me gasp in shock.

He looks just like me.

Well, not entirely, I muse as I trace his features. His hair, brows, and eyes - a blue so deep they seem to reflect the bottom of the sea - are all his fathers. The man who was next to him. The man who now stands a few feet away watching us from afar. He longs to join our embrace. I can feel his need and desire for it pulsating through our bond.

Part of me longs for him to join him as well, but the other part, the logical one, the one that can't remember him or why I have a child with him, tells me that I should just keep my mouth shut.

I ignore it and listen to my heart.

'Come and join us,' I say, but it comes out more like a question.

My voice is quiet, too quiet...and gravelly from disuse. It makes me sound frail, and I shyly fold in on myself at the look he gives me.

It's soft. Full of love and adoration for me, and for the child we've created. A child that is a physical manifestation of our love, a love that I know so intrinsically, even if I can't remember it.

And suddenly, I feel so shy. Almost embarrassed. Because here he is looking at me like that, and I can't remember why? Or when they started? How we got here?

My eyes fill with tears without my consent, and I turn away from him in a futile attempt to hide them as they slip down my face in clear streams, melting together with the tears from our child.

He tsks as he crouches down next to us. 'What are you doing out of bed Melda?' He asks. His hand comes up to caress the side of my face.

I freeze at his touch. Melda?

The logical part of my brain comments that it would make sense. He's the father of our child and so must be my husband. That would make me his wife. And suddenly, I'm hit by a pant of longing. It hits somewhere deep inside me, in that place where I know memories were once held, memories of us, of our child. But whatever was once there is gone, void of anything but a few fractals of broken memories.

'What did you just call me?' His brow furrows in confusion at my cold tone. 'Melda,' he says again, tone rushed and worried. 'I called you Melda like I always do. What's wrong?'

Instead of waiting for me to answer, he rushes on, like he's scared of what my answer may be.

'Did something happen? What did the healer's say?' He blurts out, voice hushed as to not frighten the still sobbing child half buried in my arms.

'Healers?' I question, my eyes narrowed at him in confusion. 'Why would I need healers?'

Again, I'm asking a question I already know the answer to, at least, partially, but I'm scared.

I know something's wrong. There's a void in my chest and a bond I have no memory of, not to mention a child. My child. Our child.  A child who's name I can't...I can't even think of. There's nothing there.

The hand still on my face moves to caress my cheek, and I flinch involuntarily at the move. It feels foreign to me. Well, not entirely, more like there's a shadow of memory there, but because I don't know the what or why it's happening, my body's reacting as if it's alien.

His reaction is automatic. His hand freezes, he blanches, and then he recoils back like he's been burned.

He stares at the ground for several minutes. I take the time to coddle the child in my arms, who only snuggles deeper into the freely offered embrace.

When he looks up, there are tears in his eyes. They glisten on his deep ocean blue eyes like icicles, and I secretly pray they don't fall or I don't know what I'll do.

Finally, he speaks, his voice broken.

'Who am I?' I can't do more than stare at him in confusion at the question.

'Who am I,' he repeats again, louder this time, voice growing frantic.

'To You, who am I?!'

'I don't know,' I mumble out, not thinking, just wanting him to stop in his interrogation.

It works.

He stops dead. Behind his eyes something both crumples and is put up. Like he's simultaneously breaking and protecting himself...{I swear, I can see something shatter, and next look in his eyes is too painful to look at, but I force myself to. I am the one that's doing this to him. I am the one that's causing him pain. And I hate myself for it, but I can't stop.

Then, in the next second a wall is put up, and all the pain and brokenness from before vanishes. I blink and it's gone, well not gone, just behind an iron wall, sent to live in the shadows. The shadows, a hidden place where it's easier for pain to breathe. Exposed to the elements, pain is...well, painful. It screams, tearing through your being and bringing with it every horrible memory you’ve ever had.

'You don't know who I am?' He strangles out eventually, voice barely audible.

I look down, the sorrow in his eyes too intense. Fidgeting with my fingers, I answer,'I know we're married...at least, we must be, we have a child together.'

He nods along mutely, before unwrapping his outer rope and draping it along my back. He doesn't to any more than that, but I can tell he longs to. His hands move like they itch to hold me, and the realization bares me open, exposing me to the cold air I hardly noticed before. I start shivering uncontrollably, and the child in my arms looks up at me with wide frighten eyes.

'Naneth?' The cry is so soft, so genuine, that it takes everything in me not to break. I can't do that, I chastise myself mentally. Think about what you're putting this child through. What you are going to put him through once he realizes your memories are gone. Vanished, in a poof  of smoke that you can't catch, that you can't bring back.You don't get to break on him too.

'What's wrong?' The sweet voice breaks through my mental lecture, and I look down meeting his eyes. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I don't know what to say. So I just sit there, hands frozen in their gentle caress of his face, mouth open, ready in its attempt to justify what it is that's wrong when I, myself, don't even know.

I'm saved, once again, by his father coming to my rescue. 'Ion-in,' he says, kneeling down once again to be at our child's height. 'Your Naneth needs to return to the healers. We will visit her later.'

The child looks up at you with sad doe-like eyes. 'Pinky promise?' He asks, stubby little pinkie sticking out at the question.

'Pinky promise,' I whisper back, leaning down to kiss his sweet little head.

That earns me a smile, and I swear, it's like my own personal rainbow in this hurricane that's currently my life.

Tears prick my eyes again, but I force them down as his father leads him away, back to the manor and a much needed night of rest.

Hey! So, if you made it this far, thank you! A Blue Moon will be updated on Ao3 and possibly here on Tumblr? I’m not sure yet. Let me know what you think.

[yourmidnightlover]

i’ll never be ready

Summary: when you've been taken by the recent unsub, you both come to a shocking realization.

TW: torture, self-hatred (derek, spencer), scars, noah (the sucky date guy), angst, fluff if you squint. let me know if i missed anything*

WC: 3,486

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saying the case was rough was under kill-which, ironically, was opposite of the unsub's mo. everyone had nearly lost count of how long they had been awake. 36, maybe 38 hours of nonstop work? going over case files and reviewing them for something - anything you might've missed. it all seemed a bit pointless because each time you reread a file you felt your eyes dropping down, threatening to betray you and make you succumb to the sleep.

"y/n," hotch spoke. "you've been up the longest. go back to the hotel with derek and get some rest. be back here in 5 hours," he demanded in a soft tone.

"won't argue with that," you chuckled best you could before morgan grabbed the keys, ushering the two of you to the car.

your hotel room was a few doors down from morgan's. he bid you goodnight before he opened his door, allowing you to continue on to your room. you decided to get a bottle of water - the sleep deprivation probably making you feel more dehydrated than you actually were.

after you paid for the bottle, you took a swig of it and trudged on to your room. only, you didn't make it. it felt as though the sleep you yearned for had finally taken over as it was accompanied by a throbbing migraine in the back of your head.

-

"what's taking them so long?" emily asked, looking at hotch for answers.

l"i'm not sure. i told them to only be gone for fi-" he was cut off by morgan slamming into the police station.

"she's gone," he uttered plainly, worriedly as he avoided any eye contact with the rest of the team.

"what do you mean 'she's gone?'" jj argued, feeling the worry bubble up inside of her as morgan continued talking.

"i knocked on her door to let her know that we had to leave. i-i thought she might've just slept through her alarm. but then she never answered," his eyes finally met someone on the team's. "i kicked through the door and the bed -it-it wasn't even slept in. i'm so sorry," he mumbled to that particular team member.

spencer felt his heart drop in his chest. he wasn't angry, per say. he was furious. he was frustrated and confused and wanted to hit something - someone. but not morgan. he wasn't mad at morgan. it wasn't his fault you were gone. at least that's what he thought until Garcia pulled up the footage from 6 hours ago.

the image of derek going inside his room, allowing you to wander past yours and retrieve the water before walking halfway back to yours, only to be hit over the head, was the only thing he could see. and what he did see... well, what he saw was in red.

"you didn't even walk her to her room?!" spencer accused derek.

"kid, we were all tired. i'm sorry, i really am," he pleaded with the young man.

"don't 'kid' me! 'sorry' won't bring her back! we know what this guy does to people and you didn't even make sure she was safe!" spencer walked closer to derek. "i can't believe you. we all had a discussion about how she was the unsub's type. you knew that and you still let her get taken," he poked his finger in his chest.

"i didn't let her do anything. i didn't want this to happen, reid," morgan tried to calm him down, only for them to be interrupted by jj coming into the room, asking for spencer to come with her before promptly leaving derek by himself. "i-i swear, babygirl, i didn't think th-"

"that's the problem, derek," she cut him off. "you didn't think," she said in a calm, sweet tone. "i love you, i truly do, but even when your guards are down when you're tired... you need to think."

"i know... i know. i don't- i don't know what to do now," he wiped the tears from his eyes.

"now you go be the hero i know you are," garcia smiled before signing off, leaving derek staring at a blank, black screen.

-

"look who's up," the unsub sang as you turned your head whilst lying on the cold, steel table. "before you try anything, there's no point in fighting. you're strapped down with reinforcements and the room is sealed with a steel door that can only be unlocked with my key."

"so what? should i just let you do whatever you want to me?" you scoffed as you rolled your eyes, observing the state of the room.

it wasn't very clean. it was dirty and grungy and the smell was absolutely horrid. you nearly gagged upon looking to the corner of the room, seeing an abundance of takeout and old pizza boxes - clearly old and moldy.

"that'll happen regardless, sweetheart," he brushed a strand of hair behind your ear, humming as he did so. "such a beautiful girl, truly," his hand travelled further south, grasping your neck tightly with the one hand before he brought a second one up to join it.

you stared him in his hooded eyes as he strangled you gently. you didn't make a show if it - that's where he got off. you wouldn't give him the satisfaction. although you would have to throw him a bone so he wouldn't kill you.

he was a sexual sadist. he got the relief from your pain and struggle. he would keep at it until you gave him what he wanted - your pain.

the profile had revealed that the unsub had a history of hatred for women from his own mother - who was most likely abusive. it was assumed that his father left at an early age and his mother blamed him for his departure.

"damnit!" he slapped your face, relinquishing his grip on your throat to allow you to breathe.

"what? can the big-strong-tough-guy not get off?" you mocked him, another slap hitting your face.

"shut UP!" he shouted at you. "when i get back you better be more cooperative," he spat out before grabbing a duffel bag and leaving.

a sigh of relief left you when the doors shut, hearing the deadbolt latch lock to signal you were stuck. you wriggled your wrists around, noticing they were bound by leather straps, as were your ankles.

-

"alright," hotch began as they gathered in the makeshift conference room, "so he has a 12 hour lead on us with her. we've profiled that the unsub keeps all the women at the same location. it'd be too difficult to move them with all the equipment he uses on them..." he looked towards spencer as he spoke, wanting to make sure he was alright.

"this has to be a power assertion move," emily added.

"you're right," rossi agreed. "taking a fbi agent would make him arrogant."

"so maybe he'll screw up? maybe we could find her?" spencer lit up at the brief sight of hope.

"don't get too excited, we still need him to make that mistake. but, yes, there's hope," hotch agreed.

penelope appeared all too sudden on the laptop screen, looking rather worried before she announced, "i'm gonna send you the video that just appeared on every screen in my bat cave. just... be prepared."

and then you were there.

you were strapped to the table, your shirt cut open to reveal your skin to the screen. the camera seemed to be hovering above the bed, focused on your body and the marks that already adorned it. you had a hand-shaped bruise on your trachea; a bruise on your cheekbone underneath your eye was contrasting your pale skin. the gag in your mouth held it open in what seemed to be an uncomfortable position. you looked tired. reasonably so, you never did get that proper rest you wanted.

and spencer would never get to tell you what he wanted if you couldn't make it out of there alive.

he never thought of you as anything but a friend but now that there was the possibility of you not making it back to him, he couldn't help but feel different about you. his heart was aching and he knew it would never stop until he was able to give it to you. now, he knew he wanted to hold you as more than a friend. he wanted to dance with you romantically rather than a silly platonic friendly thing. he wanted to kiss you, and tell you that he'd never leave you alone again. he just wanted you.

"look at how pretty she is lying there on the table," a voice that was off-screen cheered out. "although she's always quite the hottie, isn't that right... spencer? was that the name you told me, agent?" he grasped your chin, forcing your face to contort as you tried to wrangle yourself free from his grasp. "it was, wasn't it?" he laughed before releasing your face.

your eyes welled with tears upon the realization that the team might not make it to you on time. you had tried to put up a fight - you swore you did. but you could only fight so hard for so long. the light left your eyes in the form of tears streaming down your face, leaving them on display for your own team to mourn with you.

"looks like he won't be saving you, after all," he chuckled as shuffling was heard from over the screen. "let's see if they like the show, huh?" he brought a knife from out of his bag before removing the gag from your mouth.

"turn it off! turn it off!" you begged. "they-they don't need to see this, hudson," you revealed his name.

"hudson was the deputy that went home 13 hours ago. he was the one that gave us the files and intel on people in town. i guess he didn't actually go home," reid reminded the team.

"shut up, BITCH!" hudson wiped the knife down your right arm, a light hiss leaving your mouth from the intrusion.

"how about we get something to eat, yea? order some more jonny's pizza?" you emphasized before the knife went back into your skin, this time on the other arm.

"jonny's pizza is in a neighborhood only 10 miles away from here. hudson might own property near there. garcia?" spencer announced once more.

"on it," penelope declared before working her magic. "it says here that hudson's family owns an old restaurant that was shut down three years ago. it was passed on to him once his mother died. i'm sending the address your way."

"morgan, you're with me and emily-"

"i'm going with you," reid interjected.

"are you sure you're in the right-"

"i have to see her. i have to... i have to make sure she's okay," spencer tried to reason. hotch sighed before nodding his head in agreement.

they brought an ipad with them so they could watch as they traveled to the location. your arms were bleeding, but he had avoided the major arteries that would've killed you. your sobs wracked through the device, shattering spencer's heart more than he thought possible.

when they got to the restaurant, there were wooden boards surrounding every entrance. they left the sirens off in hopes to not scare the unsub into killing you.

"fbi!" morgan did his classic entrance, kicking the door in promptly. "hudson williams! fbi!" he led the team to the back of the room where a large, steel door rested.

spencer and hotch went to the sides of morgan, nodding at him to continue before he kicked the door in. the three, followed by more swat members, flooded inside the room quickly. spencer's eyes locked on yours as you lay on the table, looking sideways to see him. he saw the tears flow from your eyes as the unsub swung his knife up into the air, intent on stabbing you once more, this time fatally. spencer could swear he saw you mouth something to him before a shot rang through the air.

he looked to his side to see morgan had fired the shot that killed hudson, his knife falling beside your body as your body began shaking with sobs.

"let me go! let me go ple-please! get these off!" your arms struggled at the restraints before spencer holstered his gun, running to your side to work at the leather bindings.

"i'm here," he undid your wrists before you wrapped them around his neck, burying your face in his shoulder before sobs overtook you. "you're safe now, you're safe," his hand stroked the back of your head as you cried into his skin. "here," he pulled back momentarily before he shrugged off his vest and cardigan, handing you the cardigan to pull over your body.

"thanks," you sniffled as you pulled it tight over your body, covering your exposed state before embracing spencer once more, pulling him as close as you possibly could.

"i'm never letting you go again, y/n," he whispered before placing a kiss to your hairline. "never."

"good," you responded before he took you in his arms, carrying you to the ambulance that made it's way to the restaurant soon after they did.

you were severely dehydrated. the lacerations on your arm caused you to lose a lot of blood. you had a concussion. but you would be okay. you were alive. by some miracle, you were alive. you were alive and he'd never let you out of his sight again.

the entire time you were gone, you couldn't stop thinking about spencer. i mean, yes, your team entered your mind but not as much as spencer. who did you cry out for when he would hurt you? spencer. where would you go to distract you from what was going on? spencer's arms. spencer was the answer to all of your problems. it was spencer.

"spencer?" you asked as your head was resting on his shoulder, his arm wrapped around your shoulders as a mild attempt to keep you warm.

"yes?" he turned his head down to face your droopy face.

"i..." you stopped once you realized what you had planned on revealing. "please don't leave?"

"i won't," he gently took your chin in his hand, lifting your face up to see his. "i promise."

you nodded your head contentedly, satisfied with his answer. you couldn't say anything about how you felt now of all times. you needed him, as selfish as that seemed. you needed him to lean on as a crutch right now. telling him how you feel is risky. he could run away and distance himself from you once you open your mouth. so instead, you'd keep it shut.

as the weeks went by, your wounds healed. your heart tried to mend itself as time went on, but the process wasn't as smooth as it was with your external wounds. it was a rollercoaster process. you tried to convince yourself that you didn't love spencer. each night when he would come to your house to check up on you and watch a tv show or movie, you allowed yourself to imagine a life with him. a life where you didn't have to hide your feelings from him.

and spencer thought that telling you right after might've brought on too much stress for you. he thought it would be selfish to tell you such a thing after you nearly died. so, he pushed his feelings down as well.

and then penelope happened.

she had set you up on a date with one of sam's friends from counter-terrorism. you didn't really want to go, but you felt bad enough after skipping all of the girls' nights once you got abducted. so, you had gotten ready.

you wore a long-sleeved blouse and a skirt, the sleeves to avoid a conversation with a stranger you truly weren't ready for. to be honest, you were dreading whatever would happen tonight. you had mentioned the date to spencer, telling him how you didn't even want to go anywhere; you weren't ready to go out in public by yourself yet. he wasn't excited for you, who would be after you confessed your hesitance on going anywhere.

"i'm heading out now, spence," you walked out of your bedroom and into the kitchen where spencer was standing, waiting for you to get ready.

"al-alright," he nodded before turning towards you. "you look... you look beautiful, y/n," he sighed, making you blush lightly.

"thank you," you went to give him a hug, wrapping your arms around his torso. "for everything," you kissed his cheek before pulling away. "i don't think it'll be that long, i hope it's not that long," you chuckled before continuing, "so i'll see you after?"

"uhm, yea," he agreed. "i'll see you later."

you sighed before grabbing your keys and leaving, driving to the restaurant penny had told you to go to. it had only been two months since your abduction. you hadn't been anywhere without someone with you, most of the time it was spencer. you parked the car, grabbing your purse from the passenger seat and placing it in your lap.

you shouldn't have come. you shouldn't have done anything. you should've stayed with spencer. you should've let him know how you felt. you should've...

you felt tears well in your eyes before you pushed those thoughts down. you took a deep breath to compose yourself before you walked into the restaurant. you were led to the table noah miller would be at by the host.

"hi," noah greeted you.

"hi," you tried your best to muster up a smile as you sat down.

"uhm, penelope mentioned how beautiful you were, but i think it was severe underkill," he chuckled,

"oh, wow, thank you," you smiled. "you look pretty great yourself," you motioned. there was a moment of unsettling silence before you continued, "i haven't been out in a while. so, be patient with me tonight."

"sam mentioned that you went through something... an abduction, i believe?" you nodded your head. "that is beyond cool. do you... do you have any scars?" his eyes widened at the thought.

"ex-excuse me?" you furrowed your brows at the question.

"do you have any scars from the abduction?" he asked once more as if he didn't sense what was wrong with it in the first place.

"you... you're seriously asking to see the scars from when i was almost killed?" you scoffed before leaning back, crossing your arms over your chest defensively.

"are those your scars?" he awed as he pointed towards your arms, the sleeves had ridden up on your skin.

"what the hell is wrong with you?" you jerked your sleeves down once more before you stood up and grabbed your purse. "i hope you rot in hell you freak."

you ran out to your car before calling spencer, tears already streaming down your face as you locked your car door.

"spencer reid," he answered the phone.

"spence?" you sniffled, wiping your nose.

"y/n? what is it? what happened?" he rose from his spot on his couch, shutting his book worriedly.

"i just... the date it - i need you, spencer," you cried out once more.

"do you need me to pick you up or are you alright to drive to my place?"

"i-i can drive," you replied as you wiped your tears.

"alright," he said. "i'll be waiting. should i stay on the phone with you as you drive? you could put me on speaker?"

"yea-yes, please," you answered before putting the phone on speaker.

you drove there as he read his book to you. his voice calmed you down a bit... only a little bit. not as much as his touch would. so, you sped there as fast you could without getting pulled over.

once you knocked on his door it opened in a matter of milliseconds. spencer's arms went around your waist as yours went around his neck, pulling him even closer to your body. your sobs rang through spencer's skin as he rubbed circles into your back, walking the two of you inside his apartment before he closed the door.

"what happened?" spencer asked as you curled into him whilst sitting on the couch.

"the guy wanted to see the scars," you sniffled. "when i got upset he saw them because my sleeves rolled up and well... the rest is history," you chuckled humorlessly.

"he really...?" spencer leaned back to look you in the eyes.

"yea... i know," you rolled you eyes.

"well whoever that guy is sucks. he doesn't deserve you," he twirled your hair in his fingers before continuing. "would you want to talk about it?"

"mm-mm," you shook your head. "not yet. i'm not ready."

and then it was more than abundantly clear. you might not ever be ready to tell him.

taglist:

@averyhotchner

@greenprisca

@muffin-cup

@spenxerslut

if you’d like to be added to the taglist, please don’t hesitate to message me or leave a comment!

[peanut-butter-parkerxx]

Never thought I'd love you..

Chapter 4: Meeting him again

SERIES MASTERLIST II Previous Chapter II Next Chapter

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"Y/n?" turning both the girl and boy's head towards him. And there goes his eyes becoming as giant as Asia yet again. He couldn't look at the them from embarrassment, he knew it was too good to be true. that's unti-

"Y/NNNN!!" Morgan jumped on the stranger causing his head to look up and be met by...her?

No. Fucking. Way.

"Y/n?" his heart started drumming, cheeks and ears turning a generous amount of red and his gorgeous smile growing by the second.

"P-Peter?"

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Disbelief, utter shock, and any other possible phrase that would explain why y/n was fuming yet had the urge to be wrapped by his what looks like strong arms right now.

wait

oh my god.

"peter!" she said as if it just clicked, he's here.

why the fuck am I not hugging him yet?

y/n slowly let Morgan down and flung her arms around the boy, too happy to think of slapping him in the face for abandoning her for over half a decade. Peter immediately reciprocated, holding her a little tighter then he intended to, but thankfully she didn't notice.

his arms were strong indeed since he lifted her a bit while squeezing the life out of her. Peter rested his head on her shoulder,  eyes closed as he smiled in content. she felt different yet so familiar.

"y/n/n" he whispered softly, she's here.

but it all got ruined once he opened his eyes to see a quite attractive tall brunette guy holding two ice creams, one with the complex order that he used to order for y/n every Wednesday and Saturday 6 years ago.

"H-How have you been?" he asked, glancing at the boy behind y/n every once in a while. But when y/n spoke, all his attention shifted to her. who cares who he is anyway?

"Surviving...I guess." she chuckled, making him chuckle as well. "I'm here coz of my senior trip!" she continued as peter nodded. wait, She's a Senio-

"y/n!" Morgan jumped in excitement "you know peter?!" she exclaimed

"yes I do! he...used to babysit me when I was younger" y/n wanted to explain what she meant but it looked like the little girl was fine with what she said. Plus, she wouldn't even know how to explain it since they're practically the same age now.

"wait wait wait, how do you know Morgan?" peter spoke up, tilting his head in confusion as his brown eyes wavered between the two girls, nonetheless he was happy about it.

"I used to babysit Morgan when I lived here" y/n explained, holding Morgan and resting her on her right hip, which made Peter's heart flutter for some reason. "My dad used to work for Tony Stark and as ironic as it sounds, I needed money. So I started babysitting" She continued. Peter laughed at the irony, still in shock from what the day has planned for him.

She's here. And he couldn't seem to wrap that around his head.

"How do you know, Morgie?" she asked, looking at the cloud Morgan pointed at and giving her a shocked smile as a reply.

"Peter is an Aven-"

"AH! WORK for the Avengers, well for Mister Stark...I have a Stark Internship" Peter cursed at himself for being so awkward. What the fuck peter? but all was interrupted when he heard a strangers voice.

"Hey Morgan, I'm Aaron" Aaron extended his hand, an adorable smile plastered on his face as he greeted himself to the girl. Morgan giggled as she shyly shook his hands. She cupped her tiny little hands on y/n's face and whispered something to her

"oh noOoOOoo" y/n chuckled nervously "we're just friends!" And peter immediately knew what Morgan asked her. Clearing his throat, he made everyone turn to him, again. Shit.

"Oh! I completely forgot" y/n spoke "Peter, this is Aiden. Aiden, this is Peter"

"Nice to meet you peter" Aaron extended his arms again and Peter reciprocated

"Nice to meet you too" Peter replied, giving him firm shake. Which obviously, surprised the guy.

"Woah, nice grip, man. What's your secret, Hercules?" Aiden joked as Peter shrugged it off, genuinely chuckling.

"Well, Aiden and I were going to hang out with the rest of the group from the trip, wanna join?" Y/n asked, looking as excited as he was when he saw her. Peter obviously found that adorable and he wanted nothing more than to hug her again and talk to whole day about what he missed.

"I-I would love to, honestly. But I gotta walk Morgan back to the compound" he reasoned. stretching his arms out for Morgan which made her hug y/n tighter.

"nOO! I wanna hang out with y/n/n!!" Morgan whined, resting her face on the crook of y/n's neck. As peter was about to try and convince her to go with him, y/n extended her free arm to hook it with peter's

"perfect! you guys can both come!" she smiled as Morgan cheered. "O-Only if you want to, though." she stopped on her tracks unhooking their arms, immediately feeling the cold breeze from the park, god you missed his warmth.

"forgot how considerate and caring you are of peoples feelings, of course I wanna come" he joked, bumping his shoulder with hers causing her to roll her eyes.

"forgot how much of a body heater you are" she retorted, laughing bashfully as she visibly shivered.

"well, thank god I'm back so i could keep you warm all day"

"who said i wanted to see you all day?" she sassed, peter mouth fell open in shock as he heard Morgan's giggling in the background

"okay miss y/l/n, okay." Peter clenched his jaw in a joking matter, trying to find a better comeback.

"no seriously, leaving me for 6 years when I thought you'd come after 2 weeks? that's low, parker. pretty low" she continued teasing him but peter felt a pang in his chest, guilt. guilt surrounded his whole body. he visibly stiffened, closing his eyes in embarrassment.

"I am extremely sorry about that, y/n. I-"

"It's okay, peter. I get it. it's not like it was your idea or something." she shrugged, looking at the girl in her arms and Aiden playing Rock Paper Scissors together. and they walked the rest of the way in awkward silence. What happened to us? Peter thought. they would never have an awkward moment. always fooling around and making jokes, so this seemed very foreign to the both of them.

"we should catch up" he suggested "I-I mean I don't think my brain still processed the fact  that you're my age now."  he chuckled lightly as his head hung low, giving her a good view of his sharp chiselled jaw.

"W-We definitely should" she answered. "are you fre-"

"Y/N YOU'RE FINALLY BACK!" a brunette hugged her as tight as he did 10 minutes ago. people should seriously stop interrupting our conversations, y/n thought.  but out of nowhere, Morgan jumped out of y/n's arms and ran to a stranger, giving peter his 1278th heart attack of the day.

"FRECKLE GIRL" Morgan shouted, pointing at the girl who sat in y/n and peter's the cherry red bench. oh god, out of all the people in the world. she had to be friends with them?

"*gasp* Morgan! your back!" the girl hugged Morgan tightly, making Aiden and Y/n confused as hell.

"How many people does this girl know?" Aiden chuckled lightly

"no seriously" y/n chimed in "you know my friends?" she smiled to her.

"I mean, yes and no" she replied adorably

"we met them on the way to the ice cream truck" Peter spoke

"but I don't know you you guys' names" she looked at the group of girls surrounding her with a pout.

"I'm Lily!" the blue eyed brunette that hugged y/n said

"I'm Bailey" the girl with the book in her hand spoke

"and I'm Brielle" freckle girl chimed in

"Brielle" Morgan repeated testing it out "i like that name"

"why thank you Morgan" she smiled

"everyone, this is Peter" y/n spoke "he used to babysit me when I was younger, but he blipped...and now we're the same age!" she laughed loudly, making jazz hands,  Peter laughed at her antics and joined in, curling his arm around her waist.

"well, I'm gonna go back to the boys, see you guys later" Aiden announced waving to the group.

"oh, Aiden wait!" y/n sprinted to him and gave him a hug "thanks for the ice cream" she whispered

"anytime, now go catch up with Hercules" he gave her a smile, hugged her once more, and continued walking to the boys.

Peter watched the whole thing, and to say he was okay with it would be one hell of a lie. but he can't really say anything about. not only did he disappear for 6 years, but it wasn't any of his business. so like the gentleman he is, he smiled politely and stayed silent while watched from afar.

a few minutes later, peter was talking about how he got the internship to the group when he suddenly get wrapped by a pair of arms.

"I can't believe your here" he spoke, turning around to hug y/n tighter but she scoffed

"how did you know it was me?" she huffed

"oh that was easy as hell, who else would wear an ungodly amount of 'your the one' perfume?" he chuckled "what?" he stopped once he realized she didn't laugh with him

"you remembered? "y/n's felt the familiar butterflies dancing inside of her stomach again, the burning sensation on her face, it was like being 11 all over again.

"of course I remember y/n. I remember everything about you" his smile was genuine and sincere, telling you that he meant every word. and it did not help the way you were feeling right now.

wouldn't he just forget about me?

I mean was I really that important?

was I that special to him?

"I mean if I had a sister of course I'd remember everything about her."

.....

aaaand moment = ruined. Lily visibly grimaced, giving y/n a sympathetic smile and planning over 120 ways to murder the guy that's breaking her best friends heart.

"You're really important to me y/n, you're like the sister I never had" peter hugged her. y/n sighed deeply, trying to hold the tears that dared to escape her eyes. once Peter let go he realized she was crying "oh don't cry y/n/n" he wiped her tears with her thumb that held her face gently "I'm here now, and I don't plan on leaving anytime soon, I love you" this time y/n hugged him.

"I-I love you too" she sniffled, hugging him even tighter, inhaling the fresh scent of his cologne. If only he knew what she really meant..

series taglist:

@letssee2468

[brown-little-robin]

Writer asks: 6, 8, 10, 16

Hello! This was forever ago, but miraculously, I still have the ask.

6. Why do you write?

I write because I started at eight years old and as long as I am not ridiculously stressed I always return to it, back and back and back like the summer blooming every year. I write because I love the fantasy genre with my whole heart. Because I daydream compulsively. Because analyzing characters' psychology is fun. Because I love stories and stories inspire me—because there's always a voice in my head when I consume media saying what if this, but just a little different? Because I love editing my writing, love taking the ramblings and finding the heart of them and making that heart shine through them. Because when I do that, it feels like I'm doing what I was made to do. Because I like to publish stories serially and get reactions as I go along! I don't know!

Stories have always had such a grip on me. I have to write.

8. Is music part of your writing process?

Yes! I listen to music to separate myself from the world and to get myself into a good mood for writing. Usually, I choose one song to play on repeat for a writing session. Also, I make playlists for my main characters and/or the writing of various stories.

10. What’s something you’d like to explore in your writing but haven’t had the chance yet?

Femininity.

It's been kind of a sensitive topic for me. I feel like someday I should write a story with a female main character, but... To my deep shame, I have a really hard time connecting with female characters, especially if they're main characters.

There's a shift that happens in my brain that makes me think of characters as people and not just as concepts. It's mixed in with my synesthesia, I think, because the only words I have for it are wet colorful versus dry dusty characters/stories. Deep versus flat, to a lesser extent. Alive in the way a jungle is alive, verdant, is how I perceive characters I care about as people. I have very little control over it, and it rarely happens with female characters. Even ones that I make up.

(stories/characters also fade in and out of wet colorful aliveness as my interest in them fades and wanes, but that's another conversation.)

I am hoping that as my struggle with femininity lessens and is resolved, as is already happening, I can start writing and loving female characters better.

16. If your writing had a colour palette, what would it be?

All of them! See above: wet, colorful, alive, verdant. I try. Each story, to me, has a different associated color, and each character, too! My version of Thad Thawne is yellow-green, nearly the same color as Edmund Pevensie, which is ironic given that they're both betraying brothers who are redeemed. Strange Redemption as a whole is a stronger yellow. Toad is mottled green; Toad Story is lighter grey-green. Caravaggio is bright cat's-eye yellow and rich leopard-fur gold; Quillqa is deep forest green with shades of cool purple; Caravaggio Story is golden but more muted than Caravaggio's color, honey in the sunlight.

[elletromil]

You knew this was going to happen sooooo : 6, 7, 21, 23? (as usual I couldn't chose you'll have to pick yourself I'M SORRY they were all so very good ;O;). For Fuba? But also could be with any other DMBJ character or ship that inspires you?

So I’m not sure if you are done with the academia yet, but hopefully you are and if not, well this is going to be one more thing for you to look forward!

I will of course be writing the four prompts because i still have no writing chill. Here’s the first one ;)

This one is a little companion-piece to Failures and Guilt in the immortal!Ba Ye verse because why not

23. a hug that some might consider as ~too long~

When he bursts into the safehouse, Zhang Rishan looks like he’s mere seconds away from keeling over. It’s the first time Wu Xie has seen him look so rough and he’s about to drag him to the nearest chair when Zhang Rishan locks eyes with Ba Ye.

Now, Wu Xie doesn’t know much about Ba Ye except that he was part of the Mystic Nine and disappeared under mysterious circumstances during an expedition in the tomb the Iron Triangle had been exploring a couple of weeks ago. He had presumed that even if they were not friends, Zhang Rishan and him were at least allies given that Ba Ye and Fo Ye’s friendship was just as well-known as Zhang Rishan’s devotion for his superior officer.

It doesn’t take long for Wu Xie to re-evaluate his assumptions. The two men haven’t yet reached out for each other when Wu Xie figures that the bond between them must be something akin to the one him and Xiaoge have. He’s never felt it himself, but Pangzi has complained often enough about it for Wu Xie to realise that this feeling of having completely faded away from the two men’s world is how people usually feel whenever him and Xiaoge share eye contact.

He has to admit it’s slightly awkward, but he doesn’t care enough about others' comfort to stop doing this himself in the future. He’s pretty sure he can’t control it anyway.

It gets even more awkward to stand there watching when Ba Ye more or less throws himself into Zhang Rishan’s arms. From this distance, he can’t hear what they say to each other, but he sees the way Zhang Rishan’s fingers cling to the fabric of Ba Ye’s clothes.

Sees his expression.

Relief is warring with pain and disbelief and it speaks of a fear Wu Xie is intimately familiar with. He still wakes up sometimes convinced that he’s only dreamed the past few years and Xiaoge is still out of his reach.

In fact, as he silently bear witness to the two men’s embrace, he’s gripped with the terror that Xiaoge has disappeared again, even if he can still feel him behind him. Even if they are standing so close together that he can feel his warmth. Yet, right at this moment, it feels like they are worlds apart.

He reaches out to grab at his arm, his irrational panic slowly abating when Xiaoge takes hold of his hand and links their fingers.

“I guess we’ll give you both a moment,” Pangzi announces after clearing his throat. If he’s been heard, neither Ba Ye nor Zhang Rishan aknowledge it.

Not that it matters because Pangzi is already pushing them out of the room.

Of course, he notices at once how Xiaoge and him are holding hands and he lets out a not-so-falsely irritated groan.

“Of course you’re-! I’ll just go and find an empty room or something. Come find me when you remember someone is after that guy’s ass!”

He leaves but Wu Xie isn’t paying attention because Xiaoge takes a step into his personal space and it’s just so easy to lean into him and press his face in the crook of his neck.

Like this his senses are filled with Xiaoge, as if he’s the only thing tangible left in the universe. He doesn’t think it would be too bad if his world was reduced to Xiaoge only.

He’s not sure how long exactly they stay like this until Pangzi ventures back, except maybe that it’s a too short eternity. However, he can’t say he’s surprised to find that Zhang Rishan and Ba Ye are still lost into each other when they join them again.

It’s a desire he relates to all too well.

[arlothia]

Opening Lines

Thanks for the tag @smylealong!

OPENING LINES: List the first lines of your last 8 stories (if you have less than 8, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line. Then tag 10 authors! (This is where Tag Memes go to die!!!)

I'm putting this under the cut because even though I tried to make the opening lines on the shorter side, it still got long ;)

1. Too Late - The Disguiser

He’d gotten there too late.

By the time Ming Lou crashed through the door, gun immediately targeting the Japanese soldier attacking Ah Cheng, the enemy’s sword had already been buried deep inside his brother’s chest. With a cry filled with shock, anger, and not a little fear, Ming Lou let loose a barrage of bullets that dropped the soldier in an instant.

Throwing his gun to the ground, Ming Lou rushed to Ah Cheng’s side.

“Ah Cheng! Ah Cheng!” Ming Lou cradled the wounded man’s face in his hands, attempting to get those wide and pain-filled eyes to focus on him. “Look at me, Ah Cheng! You’ll be alright, do you hear me? Just hold on!”

2. Kindness - The Untamed

So many things had been lost. So many people had died. Even more people mourned.

And it could all be traced back to the actions of one man. One single man who had fooled them all. Who had fooled him .

I should never have given him a chance.

Lan Xichen regretted the words as soon as they entered his mind.

3. Burden - Rurouni Kenshin

Hiko Seijuro stood up straight, easing his stiff back after he set down his burden on the floor. He huffed a laugh. His burden . He had never imagined this particular burden would find itself under his roof again.

Fourteen years was a long time, but he’d still recognized that mess of red hair when he’d seen a body washed to shore that morning. To say he’d been surprised was an understatement, but not as surprised as when he saw the scar on his cheek. So. It was true, then.

4. Help is Coming - Stranger/Secret Forest

The attack was sudden, giving him no warning or time to prepare or even think. Pain flooded Hwang Shi Mok’s head and that high pitched ringing pierced through his skull. His whole body tensed, his eyes squeezing shut. The world felt like it was rushing around him, whisking him along, until-

CRASH!!

5. Flashes of the Past - Joy of Life

Everything was too familiar. The trees, the pond, that wall.

Memories fought for dominance in Wu Zhu’s head as he stared at the villa that had once been his mistress’ home. His home. Everything was familiar...and yet he couldn’t remember anything. Just the quickest of flashes. But he needed to remember. He had to! And with each flash came a spike of pain through his head, pain that had him wincing and staggering back to the large tree behind him.

Guards were patrolling in front of the wall and Wu Zhu slid around the tree, hiding from view. Flash! Flash! Flash! He sunk to the ground, breaths coming fast, one hand pressed to his head while the other gripped his iron rod, clutching it to his chest.

6. Bringing a Sword to a Gunfight - Rurouni Kenshin

The gunman had made two mistakes.

Firstly, he was standing much too close, the barrel of his rifle within reach of his target.

And secondly? He had drawn his gun on Himura Kenshin.

7. One Little Sting - Wok of Love

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz……

“Ouch!”

“Hey, Poong-ah. Are you okay?”

Seo Poong grabbed the back of his neck where that stupid bee had stung him. That had HURT!

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said, coming back to the table on the rooftop where they were all having a little barbeque after a long day working in the kitchen. He sat down next to Chil Seong, still rubbing at his  neck.

8. Let's Make a Bet - Joy of Life

It was getting harder to breathe.

Yan Bingyun’s arms stretched high above his head, the shackles digging painfully into his wrists, lines of blood trailing down from where they’d cut into his skin, while his bare toes only skimmed the surface of the cold, stone floor.

They hadn’t beaten him or whipped him or even touched him after stripping him down to his trousers and chaining him to the ceiling. There had been no interrogation, either, though he suspected that might come later. One of Shen Zhong’s favorite tactics was trying to break the body in order to break the mind. But he hadn’t been successful before, and he wouldn’t be this time, either.

[alottamoney]

The prev anon here.A different topic to which I am in need of diverse opinions.Bangtan Bomb as propaganda.I haven't done scholarly research on how marketing and propaganda relates but by the virtue of having similar characteristics,I'm sure some of the characteristics overlap.For example: the behind the scene of the Grammy Nomination night.There was no need to show that moment.I read a comment under that video expressing wonder about whether the members felt uncomfortable with a camera in their face 24/7.

BH's intention was to shape public opinion.They know ARMY are emotionally attached to bts.If they were expressing their wish to get a grammy, there would be public pressure.Which is what exactly happened after they didn't win it despite being worthy of it.After BTS didn't win, grammy came under a lot of fire.Articles were written,they got dragged.In the next year there is a lot of pressure on Grammy to get bts one.No one knows if it will.But ARMY will punish Grammy if they don't.I would argue that if the behind the scene of grammy night wasn't shown, ARMY would have concluded you are better than this,which many still opine.But because ARMY saw how the members really wanted it, they are now much more emotionally invested in wanting it for them.Bighit really wants to be the first Korean Artist to win the grammy. If they really had 100% faith in bts, they would not need that grammy nomination Bangtan bomb.

This makes me wonder there must have been other agendas that are being fulfilled and planted in ARMY mind through Bangtan Bombs.Things that Bighit wants ARMY to think or do or tell. It's like propaganda.

Please share your thoughts about this too.Thank you.

Hello again anon,

I consider Bangtan bombs and all BTS content apart from music a sort of propaganda to keep fans emotionally invested. Bighit isn't the only company to do this, this is a Kpop staple. Bighit is just a lot better at leveraging it and they have a bigger crowd they can manipulate. Ironically enough they're also honest about this, if you just pay attention to how Bang and his co-CEO envision the BTS and ARMY "relationship".

I want to get this pet peeve out of the way and say ARMYs are patently wrong when they keep saying BTS will be the first Korean Artist to win the Grammy. They will be the first idol group to win a Grammy but there are Korean artists who have won Grammys, there are non-American artists who have won Grammys and there are little-known artists who have won Grammys. The Grammys aren't the racist super-villain that they are making them out to be, there could be racism involved but acting like it is the singular reason BTS didn't win a Grammy is negating the work of other artists. It's just graceless, disrespectful, and petty. I don’t think that is the image BTS want to project. I doubt these people care about racism, I’m sure they’ll be the first to brag about how they stan a Grammy winning group. That's hypocritical. It’s okay to admit you’re sad, there’s no need to hide behind shallow activism.

I think BTS are used to cameras in their face, and if it weren’t for COVID19 there would’ve still been a live broadcast of their reactions. I think the sadness is genuine and understandable. The fan overreaction, not so much. I hadn't thought about it much but you are right they could have used that behind the scenes from Grammy night to mount pressure; whether they succumb to the pressure is another question.

Thanking ARMY every time they achieve something, birthday bombs, the run episodes with captions always adding non-existent context or explaining how the members feel are designed to reinforce narratives and the emotional grip on fans. I had written at length about eight minutes of ITS episode 6 which in my opinion is also “propaganda” lol. They do that all the time while revealing very little, it’s an artform they’ve perfected. This fandom is ride or die for essentially strangers.

[lanaskilos1976]

Im so frustrated.

Many people feel depression and eating disorders and whatever else is going on in this goddamn head of mine is feeling empty, for me its feeling so full and overwhelmed that you just cancel everything out. Its been well over 6 years now and I have everything still up there, most of it is my fault. I keep my thoughts in because there isn't possibly enough words in any language that could help me describe the pain I feel. If I feel suicidal but someone else is feeling low too I let them be taken care of instead. I change myself around different people because if I dont every single thing feels like rejection. I take care of everyone else but who the hell takes care of me? It feels as if I'm constantly dancing with my younger self and im letting her lead the way, that scared confused little girl has the tightest grip on me.

But...

I recently got to the point where I had to try, I had to. I don't know what snapped but it snapped. Now that I think i'm ready everything is just getting thrown right back at me and absolutely no one wants to listen. The people that are meant to don't want to or can't , just completely cut off before I can even barely take a breath.

Its ironic isnt it?

I've spent so long feeling lower than anyone will ever know but i've been able to unhealthily cope, and now that i've had enough and tried to fight back Ive just ended up feeling worse than ever. All of this just feels grey. Like im standing here with open arms staring out at life, which is an open window showing my cursed abyss. I have nothing to hold onto and no one is even allowed to offer me anything to even try and wrap my fingers around.