#it's an awful feeling. so ive neen depending on the separation from my emotions to get me through. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

orcelito · 9 months ago

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Worked on pictures for about 8 hours straight, stopping a few times for crying breaks, but it's done. I made the slideshow and sorted it real nice. The sorting was half the time by itself. But I think I did a good job.

Also emailed my advisor. Look at me go.

#speculation nation #negative/#i guess. since i mentioned the crying.#ive been dissociating majority of the past week in that ive just not been feeling my emotions #oftentimes purposefully. a few times Very purposefully.#but sorting through the pictures like that. creating an entire timeline of my father from youth to recent #seeing him grow older (but not old enough)#it made me think of the full life he lived before now. so many experiences and so much joy #and then his death. sudden. clumsy. meaningless.#a man can live a full life with so much love #then one day. without any warning. he dies.#i think it was his girlfriend who mentioned us possibly being in shock. and i think she might be right.#such a sudden upheaval. and ive barely gotten the chance to process it #because theres so much to do so im kept plenty busy #but the times the veil lifts and i feel my emotions my heart hurts so much it feels like it's wrenching.#it's an awful feeling. so ive neen depending on the separation from my emotions to get me through.#it's done a marvelous job so far. but today. tomorrow. and especially saturday. i dont exactly have that option anymore.#i dont know what the next few days are gonna bring me #tbh i just want it to be over.#if im not gonna wake up from the nightmare of my dad being dead. then at least let it rest so it doesnt hurt so bad.

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