#it's always cool to hear ppl's thought processes about media

[cenvast]

hi again! putting this under a cut

That's a super great point about Laios and Falin being racist towards the mountain people (also yeah wtf, why would they say that to Kabru?). Thank you for shedding light on that! I wish I knew about this extra comic before I wrote my meta post on Laios. I also agree that Laios leaving his village isn't better or worse for enacting societal change than Toshiro not leaving his household and that Laios' avoidance of humans, while understandable, is often a detriment to himself and others.

I absolutely respect that you and many other people have a more optimistic outlook than me on the story's conclusion! I love your observation about small moments having a large impact on characters, sometimes much later on in their lives. That's beautiful, and it aligns with the story' themes of quiet moments of connection being the most important for people. Like you said, the characters have their whole lives ahead of them, so they definitely could unlearn their biases. The story's conclusion is left open, so I see and appreciate where you're coming from with a small moment leading to Toshiro's growth on a sociopolitical level, even if isn't exactly my personal reading.

Also, I'd love to hear you expand on the cultural differences you've noted between Wa and the world's other locales, based on why each character ends up on the Island! That's super fascinating. I agree that there's so much rich potential for exploration from a cultural viewpoint. I am indeed Asian American, so I'm admittedly partial to comparing and contrasting Kabru, Rin, and Toshiro's (and I'd love to give more thought to his retainers and Namari as well) different experiences as Asian people on the Island, since they have such different motives for being on the Island and varied origins as you brought up!

Kabru and Rin are refugees, who were raised by their colonizers. I personally see the western elves as a western colonial power, which destroys Indigenous populations and systems of governance and leaves them in shambles (Utaya) or sets up puppet governments (the Island). Kabru and Rin are on the Island to neutralize dungeons and minimize elven involvement. Essentially, their goal is to offset the power imbalances between short- and long-lived races by sealing dungeons and thereby reduce the opportunities for the elves to seize more power and land. As you said, their socially conscious motivations are vastly different than Toshiro's motivation for being on the Island. It's cool because their experiences parallel the real life diversity in immigrants' and refugees' motivations and experiences in the West. (I also think these two might be Toshiro's best bet for becoming more socially conscious, which is why their friendship is very important to me.)

We aren't really told why Rin's parents fled the East, but since Toshiro says there's constant fighting going on in the Archipelago, it's safe to assume that her parents were fleeing armed conflict. Their island was probably invaded by the surrounding ones (maybe even Wa?). Wa likely is more stable than Rin's homeland, so Toshiro would have far less political motivation to leave his homeland and make the Island or Melini his permanent home. He sort of feels like a wealthy heir studying abroad for a year or two while Rin and Kabru are on the Island out of more necessity. But even though their backgrounds are so different, all three of them still experience the same racism (dot dot dot), but more positively, they can all bond over being Asian and learn from each other!

As you touched on, definitely being Asian is part of why I particularly enjoy Toshiro's character. It's honestly still rare to have Asian characters be central to stories that aren't set in Asia. Also, media produced in Asia rarely tackles the experience of being Asian in mostly white locales, like DunMeshi does, and especially not from so many different perspectives, so that's been very fun to see and explore further with the fandom!

"Toshiro Is Sexist," "Toshiro Owns Slaves": What's Really Going on With This Guy?

I've seen a lot of debate on whether or not Toshiro is problematic because he's a slave owner or because he's sexist in the context of his crush on Falin. While I do want to examine his relationship to Falin, I'd like to take a few steps back and unpack his upbringing first. We'll dive into the gender and class dynamics he was raised with and how it impacts his behavior in the main storyline.

Like all people, Toshiro is shaped by the environment he grew up in. Toshitsugu, Toshiro's father and the head of the Nakamoto clan, is the most impactful model of authority and manhood in his life. Toshiro does recognize some of his father's flaws and tries to avoid replicating them. But whether or not he emulates or subverts his father's behavior, Toshitsugu is often the starting point for Toshiro's treatment of others, particularly marginalized people.

The Nakamoto clan exists under a patriarchal hierarchy with Toshitsugu at the top. As noted by @fumifooms in their Nakamoto household post, his wife has more authority than Maizuru. She's able to ban Maizuru from parts of their residence, but despite disliking his infidelity, she can't divorce him or stop him from cheating on her. Their marriage is not an equal partnership.

On an interpersonal level, Toshitsugu and Maizuru also have a fraught relationship. While she does seem to care for him, she's often frustrated by his thoughtless behavior.

For example, he drunkenly buys Izutsumi for her �� without considering how she'll have to raise this child — and invades her room in the middle of the night. When he cryptically says, "It's all my fault," she replies, "I can think of a lot of things that are your fault." She calls him an "idiot" and "believes that [Toshiro] will grow up to be a better clan leader than his father," implying that she takes issue with Toshitsugu's leadership.

Because Maizuru and Toshitsugu are described as being "in an intimate relationship" and "seem[ing] to be lovers," Maizuru appears to be a consensual participant. Still, this doesn't negate the large power imbalance between them as a male noble clan leader and his female retainer. This imbalance introduces an insidious undertone to Maizuru's frustration with Toshitsugu. Like Toshiro's mother, Maizuru doesn't have the agency to do as she pleases in their relationship; he has the ultimate authority. For instance, she doesn't seem to want to raise Izutsumi, but she has to anyway.

While Maizuru's role as Toshitsugu's mistress is significant, she's also the Nakamoto clan's teacher and Toshiro's primary maternal figure. She cares deeply for Toshiro: tailing him, feeding him, and taking responsibility even for his actions as an adult. While it might seem sweet that she cares for him like a son at first, Maizuru was notably fifteen years old at the time of his birth. In the extra comic below, he's six years old and has already been in her care for some time. Even if we're being generous and assuming that she didn't start raising him until he was six, she was still only twenty-one at the time she was parenting her boss/lover's child with another woman.

Maizuru's roles as mistress and maternal figure, in addition to her role as retainer, demonstrate the intersection between gendered and class oppression in the Nakamoto household. Despite her original role being a retainer trained in espionage, Toshitsugu presses her into performing gendered labor for him and eventually, Toshiro. She's expected to be Toshitsugu's lover, perform emotional labor for him as his confidant, care for his child, and carry out domestic tasks like cooking. She says, "Even during missions, I was often dragged into the kitchen." If she was a male servant, I doubt she would have been expected to perform these additional tasks. She can't avoid these tasks either, stating that her "own feelings don't factor into it."

Toshitsugu disregards his wife's and Maizuru's desires and emotions to serve his own interests. Because he has societal power over them as a nobleman and in Maizuru's case, her master, neither woman can escape their position in the household hierarchy.

As a result, Toshiro grew up within a structure where men and male nobility, in particular, wield the most societal power. The hierarchical nature of his household and society discourages everyone, including him as a clan leader's eldest son, from questioning and disrupting the existing hierarchy.

The other Nakamoto household members also internalize its sexist, classist power dynamics.

For example, Hien expects that she and Toshiro will replicate the uneven dynamics of the previous generation, regardless of her personal feelings. She sees her and Toshiro's relationship as paralleling Maizuru and Toshitsugu's relationship; she is the closest woman to Toshiro and his retainer, so she's shocked when Toshiro doesn't attempt to begin an intimate relationship with her. Notably, she doesn't have actual feelings for him. Her expectations are centered around the household's precedent of placing emotional, sexual, domestic, and child-rearing labor onto the female servants without any regard for their personal desires.

Hien also probably knows that her position in the household will improve if she is Toshiro's lover because she's seen it improve Maizuru's position. However, the fact that being the future clan leader's lover is the closest proximity she, as a female servant, has to power further reveals the gendered, class-based oppression she and the other women live under.

It's important to note that the Nakamoto clan bought Benichidori, Izutsumi, and Inutade as slaves, so they have less power and agency than Maizuru and Hien. The clan further dehumanizes Izutsumi and Inutade as demi-humans; their enslavement contains an additional layer of racialization.

Toshiro isn't oblivious to the gendered, class, and racial power dynamics of his household. He tries to distance himself from participating in its exploitative power structure. He walls himself off from Hien, who he's known since childhood, to avoid replicating his father's behavior and making his servant into his lover. He disapproves of his father's enslavement of Izutsumi and Inutade, and he lets Izutsumi go when she runs away in the Dungeon.

But does any of this absolve him of his complicity in his household's sexist, classist power dynamics and racialized slavery?

The short answer is absolutely not.

Despite his distaste for his father's exploitation of his servants and slaves, Toshiro still uses them. He refers to his party as "his retainers," and he has them fight and perform domestic tasks for him. You could argue that Toshiro doesn't like to and thus, doesn't regularly use his servants and slaves. In the context of him asking his retainers to help him rescue Falin, Maizuru says, "The only time he ever made any sort of personal request was for this task." But it shouldn't matter whether exploitation is a regular occurrence or not for it to be considered harmful. Toshiro asking Maizuru to cook him a meal still constitutes asking his female servant to perform gendered labor for him. He's also very accustomed to her grooming and dressing him.

Maizuru sees feeding, washing, and even advising Toshiro romantically as fulfilling Toshitsugu's orders to care for his son. They aren't fulfilling a "personal request." But just because her labor has been deemed expected and thereby devalued doesn't mean that it isn't labor or that she isn't performing it.

Maizuru's dynamic with Toshiro is also complicated by her role as his maternal figure. She loves him and wants to take care of him, and she doesn't have a choice in the matter. During Toshiro's childhood, the onus was on Toshitsugu to cease exploiting his lover and release her from servitude, but Toshiro is now an adult man. Seeing as how Maizuru defers to his wishes and calls him "Young Master," they still have a power imbalance that he's passively maintaining. Ideally, he would not ask anything of her until he has the authority to release her from servitude.

Throughout the story, Toshiro acts as if he has no agency and quietly disapproving of his father's actions absolves him of his participation in maintaining oppressive dynamics. While his father still ranks higher than him, he's essentially his father's heir. He has much more power than Maizuru, the highest-ranked servant. At the very least, he could leave his slave-owning household.

Unfortunately, his refusal to confront injustice is consistent with his character's major flaw: he does not express his opinions, desires, or needs. While this character trait obviously hurts his friendships, it also furthers his complicity in the injustices his household runs on.

Toshiro's relationship with eating food — the prevailing metaphor of the series — also parallels his relationship with confronting injustice. Maizuru mentions that he was a sickly child, so the act of eating may have been physically uncomfortable for him. As an adult, his refusal to eat crops up during his rescue attempt of Falin. Denying himself food might have been punishment for not accomplishing important tasks like rescuing Falin and/or a way to maintain control over something in his life when he felt like he'd lost control over the rest of it, again in the context of losing Falin. (Note: I suggest reading this post on Toshiro's disordered eating by @malaierba.)

But he cannot and does not avoid consuming food forever.

Similarly, Toshiro keeps his distance from his retainers and tries not to use them until the Falin situation occurs. His efforts to avoid exploiting his retainers amount to inaction — things he doesn't ask of them or do to them. But his inaction does nothing to dismantle the existing hierarchy that places his retainers under his authority, denies them agency, and often marginalizes them as not only servants or slaves but as women, and he ends up using them as servants and slaves anyways.

Returning to the narrative's themes of consumption, Toshiro cannot avoid eating just as he cannot avoid perpetuating the exploitative system of his household. The Nakamoto clan consumes the labor and personhood of those lower in the hierarchy. The retainers' labor as spies and domestic servants is the foundation of the clan's existence. Thus, the clan consumes their labor to sustain itself.

Within this hierarchy, the retainers' personhood is also consumed and erased. As Izutsumi describes, they are given different names and stripped of their agency to reject orders or leave. Maizuru and Hien also say their feelings are irrelevant in the context of Toshitsugu's and Toshiro's wants and needs. Both women are expected to comply with whatever is most beneficial and comfortable for the noblemen. Clearly, despite Toshiro's detachment from his household's functions, these social structures remain in place and harm the women under him.

Although we know the Nakamoto clan has male retainers, the choice to highlight the female retainers seems intentional. We're asked to interrogate how not only being a servant or a slave in a noble household impacts a person's life and agency, but how being a woman intersects with being a member of some of the lowest social classes.

Toshiro only distances himself from his father's behaviors of infidelity and exploitation so long as it doesn't take Toshiro out of his comfort zone. He doesn't free his slaves. He's far too comfortable with his female retainers performing domestic labor for him, and he barely acknowledges their efforts; they're shocked when he thanks them for helping him save Falin. He hasn't unpacked his sexist (or classist or racist) biases because he perpetuates his household's oppressive hierarchy throughout the narrative. Considering all of this, he inevitably brings this baggage to his interactions with Falin.

Falin is presumably one of the first women he's had extended contact with that isn't his relative or his family's servant. Because of his trauma surrounding his father and Maizuru sleeping together, he understandably falls for a woman as disconnected as possible from his father and his clan. He seems to genuinely like Falin, respects her boundaries, and graciously accepts her rejection. His behavior towards her is overall kind and unproblematic.

But if Falin had gone with him, she would've likely been devalued and sidelined like the other women of the Nakamoto household. No matter how much he loves Falin, simply loving her cannot replace the difficult work of unlearning his sexism. Love, of course, can and should be accompanied by that work, but by the close of the narrative, we gain little indication that Toshiro acknowledges or seeks to end his part in exploiting and devaluing women and other marginalized people.

A spark of hope does exist. Toshiro expressing his feelings to Laios and Falin suggests that his time away from home has encouraged him to speak up more. Breaking his habit of avoidance may be the first step towards acknowledging his complicity in systems of injustice and moving towards dismantling them.

Special thanks to my very smart friend @atialeague for bringing up Toshitsugu's relationship with Maizuru and the replication of dynamics of consumption and class! <3

[natalieironside]

hello ms. comrade Ironside, longtime reader, first time caller.

as a fellow writer of queer erotica, I was wondering if you had any thoughts/spoons to share those thoughts on wordpress being swept into the AI debacle under automattic? (I think that’s what you use to host your cool website, forgive me if I am mistaken.) I’m trying to figure out where to set up an author website of my own so I don’t have to host my stuff on tumblr anymore, but I’m a bit gun-shy in the current moment. I know AI trawling is inevitable in today’s internet, but as someone who’s been doing the indie author thing for some time (and admirably!), is there something you would recommend, best practices or otherwise, to someone just trying to get their metaphorical kite off the ground? or anything you wish you knew when you set up your own author-type socials? any thought at all would be genuinely appreciated.

thanks for your time, and I hope you and yours are as well as can be expected 🖤

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but afaik nothing approaching best practices has been figured out yet; it's all already happening and there's precious little as can be done to put the toothpaste back in the tube. Of course I uncheck all the little boxes in settings and deny them my consent or whatever, but I don't think a gaggle of unimaginative piss-bellied technocrats who decided it was a sensible use of vast amounts of water and power to teach a computer how to write very badly are what I'd call trustworthy. I'm still gonna move all my website shit off of Wordpress because they won't let me get rid of the stupid AI assistant thing, but that's more a case of their UI being ugly and dumb than me thinking it'll actually do any good.

Best I can tell you on that front is to try to find yourself a niche and develop yourself as an artist from there; "Write the kinds of books you wish other people were writing" is good general advice, and a human operator is always going to be capable of things a predictive network just isn't. Other ppl are gonna disagree with that, but they're wrong. Their understanding of resource allocation and scarcity is just childishly naive and you shouldn't waste your time listening to people who think we're gonna solve climate change with apps or whatever.

Far as social media goes, this is still the best one for hocking books as far as I can tell. I'm hearing a lot of good things about Cohost and Pillowfort, but their user bases are still quite small, and I haven't found the indie author community on Bluesky yet. If Tumblr goes belly up I'll probably end up migrating to one of those first two primarily b/c I think longform blogging is the secret stuff for ppl like me who are just too crabby and agoraphobic to be Twitter influencers; I may not be any good at videos or regular quick posts or documenting the writing process (which is too bad, b/c a lot of my friends who do that stuff seem to be having fun with it), but I sure can Lay Out Some Thoughts in A Few Paragraphs and I like to think that's something ppl expect from a novelist.

Also, never get in a public argument, don't go posting Your Thoughts On The Issues unless someone asked or you feel like you've got something interesting to say, and be very selective with how much and what personal information you give out to the hoi polloi. Those are my 3 rules for how to do social media good.

[sgkjd]

i love realizing such relatively small but actually impactful things about myself: i used to think i liked traveling bc somehow it got into my head from seeing ppl on social media and having a friend who's travelled with their family constantly – that traveling is so fun and enjoyable and you can see pretty views and landscapes you've never seen before etc... turns out i actually very much dislike traveling. the whole process of having to travel whether it'd be via plane, train, whatever is very exhausting and takes a toll on me. turns out i actually simply just liked hearing stories and seeing pretty pics from ppl who've traveled. i don't want to take them myself?? i much more prefer to have my favorite nature place where i can go to repeatedly whenever i need to take my mind off of things. i really like being sure how the environment is going to affect me, the unfamiliarity of new places is too stressful for me to comfortably enjoy such an activity that's called traveling.

same goes for sunsets/sunrises. i like seeing pretty pics ppl take of rising or setting sun and i'm always like "awh man, i wish i could take a photo like that" but no. no no. i just like seeing photos by others. i would have to have to wake up or stay up just to see something "special" like the moment sun rises/sets. bc honestly, i rather like finding the "special" in any moment of the day. i know this is partly from the times i used to learn photography and so this process of seeing a pic you like -> trying to make something similar yourself got kinda ingrained in me. i never liked taking pictures or maybe even me learning photography made me seriously aversed to that (thanks to beloved pda). but good god i certainly don't like going hunting for (nature) shots. as i said, if i'm to photograph then i'd rather try and show how beautiful and special the mundane, basic moments of life are.

same goes for when i just realized i actually don't want to write worlds and create ocs no matter how much i love writing. it's just that seeing ppl do it always looked so cool and interesting i thought it's bc i must want to do it myself. but no! turns out you can just like and appreciate seeing other ppl's work without doing it yourself. who knew! i don't know when the lines between the two feelings of simply liking something and actually wanting to do it got blurred. that's such a small thing but such a revelation to me lately.

[ailuronymy]

do you think every disabled character in wc is handled poorly? i understand theres def some cases of ableism but at the same time when i hear ppl say that its usually bc the disabled cat wasnt able to become a warrior due to their disability. and i feel like ppl forget, that not everyone irl CAN do what they want after they become disabled. ex. someone wants to be an athlete, but their legs have to be amputated. a cat like briarlight esp i feel is p realistic and could be a source of comfort

Hello there, thank you for writing in. I’m going to reply to this question with a series of questions I think are a bit more useful, given what you’re trying to ask me. I hope that’ll clarify what is a deeply complex, multilayered issue. 

Do I think Erin Hunter handles anything in the series “well”? Not really. I don’t have a high opinion of the work of the collective and, broadly speaking, I think every right note they play, metaphorically speaking, is an instance of chance rather than effort, skill, or intention. Stopped clocks are right twice a day, mediocre writers will sometimes do something cool by accident, similar principle. That’s not to say Erin Hunter hasn’t ever done anything on purpose--just that overall the underlying drive of the series isn’t so much quality as it is quantity, and speed of production, and it shows. 

Do I think Erin Hunter puts any significant research into how they portray disability? No. I do not think it is a priority for this series. They’re not trying to make a meaningful work of literature, or capture a realistic experience of disability, or tell especially impactful or thoughtful stories, or even make a particularly good or coherent fantasy world. Warriors is a specifically commercial product that was commissioned by HarperCollins to appeal to a particular demographic of drama-loving, cat-loving kids. It’s not really trying to do anything but sell books, because it’s a business, so the text in many ways reflects that. They’re not going for disability representation, in my opinion. They’re including disability in many cases as a plot-point or an obstacle. 

Do I think this means that people can’t connect to these characters and narratives in meaningful ways? No. Often I say that a work is completed only when it is read. Before that point, it doesn’t have a meaning: a reader finishes the work through the act of reading, and interpretation, and filling in the spaces and resonance of the story with their own values and experiences. When people talk about subjectivity, this is what they are talking about. What this means in the context of disabled characters in Warriors is that these characters and their stories can be multiple, conflicting, even mutually exclusive things at the same time, to different people, for different reasons. 

Do I think characters have to be “good” to be significant to someone? No. I think genuinely “bad” (i.e., not researched or poorly researched, cliche, thoughtlessly written, problematic, etc. etc.) characters can be deeply meaningful, and often are. Ditto above: for many people, and especially marginalised or stigmatised people, reading is almost always an act of translation, wherein the person is reading against the creative work of the dominant culture in a way that the author likely didn’t intend or didn’t even imagine. There’s a long documented history of this in queer culture, but it’s true for just about everyone who is rarely (or unfairly) represented in media. Disabled people often have to read deeply imperfect works of fiction featuring disability and reinterpret them in the process--whether to relate to a kind of disability they don’t experience themselves but which is the closest they’re offered to something familiar, or to turn positive and meaningful what is intended as narrative punishment, or simply to create what’s commonly called headcanon about “non-disabled” characters who echo their personal experiences. 

Do I think everyone has to agree? Extremely no. As I said before, people will actually always disagree, because all people have different needs and different experiences. What can be interpreted as empowering to one person might be very othering and painful for another. There is no “right” answer, because, again, that is how subjectivity works. This is especially true because marginalised communities are often many different kinds of people with different lives and needs brought together over a trait or traits they share due to the need for solidarity as protection and power--but only in a broad sense. It’s why there is often intracommunity fighting over representation: there isn’t enough, there’s only scraps, and so each person’s personal interpretation can feel threatening to people whose needs are different. You can see examples of this especially when it comes to arguments over character sexuality: a queer female character might be interpreted as bisexual by bisexual people who relate to her and want her to be, while being interpreted as lesbian by lesbians who also relate to her and want her to be like them. Who is correct? Often these different interpretations based on different needs are presented as if one interpretation is theft from the other, when in fact the situation is indicative of the huge dearth of options for queer people. It becomes increasingly more intense when it comes to “canon” representations, because of the long history of having to read against the grain I mentioned above: there’s novelty and, for some people, validation in “canon” certainty. And again, all of this is also true for disabled people and other stigmatised groups. 

Do I think this is a problem? Not exactly. It is what it is. It is the expected effect of the circumstances. Enforced scarcity creates both the need for community organising and solidarity and the oppressive pressure to prioritise one’s self first and leave everyone else in the dust (or else it might happen to you). The system will always pit suppressed people against each other constantly, because it actively benefits from intracommunity fighting. Who needs enemies when you have friends like these, and so on. A solution is absolutely for everyone in community to hold space for these different needs and values, and to uplift and support despite these differences, but it’s not anyone’s fault for feeling threatened or upset when you don’t have much and feel like the thing that you do have is being taken away. It’s a normal, if not really helpful, human response. But until people learn and internalised that the media is multifaceted and able to be many things at once, without any of those things being untrue or impacting your truth of the text, then there will be fighting. 

Do I think my opinion on disability on Warriors is all that important? No, not really. I can relate to some characters in some moment through that translation, but my opinion on, say, Jayfeather is nowhere near as worthy of consideration than that of someone who is blind. I don’t have that experience and it’s not something I can bring meaningful thinking about, really. That’s true for all these characters. If you want to learn about disability, prioritise reading work about disabled rights and activism that is done by disabled people, and literary criticism from disabled people. And as I mentioned above, remember that community isn’t a monolith: it’s a survival tactic, that brings together many different people with disparate experiences of the world. So research widely. 

Finally--do I think there’s only one kind of disabled narrative worth telling? No. For some people, a disabled character achieving a specific, ability-focused dream is a good story. For other people, a story that acknowledges and deals with the realities, and limitations, of disability is a good story. The same person might want both of those stories at different times, depending on their mood. That’s okay. Sometimes there’s power and delight in a fantasy of overcoming seemingly impossible obstacles and defying all expectations. Sometimes there’s value and catharsis in a narrative that delves into the challenges and grief and oppression experienced because of disability. There’s no one truth. 

To round all this off, I’m going to give my favourite example of this, which is Cinderella. I think it’s a great and useful tool, since for many it’s familiar and it’s very simple. Not much happens. In the story, she is bullied and tormented, until a fairy godmother gifts her over several nights with the opportunity to go to a royal ball, where she dances with a prince. The prince eventually is able to find Cinderella, due to a shoe left behind, and they are married. In some versions, the family that mistreated her are killed. In others, they’re forgiven. 

Some people hate the story of Cinderella, because she is seen as passive. She tolerates the bullying and never fights back. She does every chore she’s told. She is given an opportunity by a fairy godmother, and she doesn’t help herself go to the ball. She runs from the prince and he does the work to find her again. Eventually, she’s married and the prince, presumably, keeps her in happiness and comfort for the rest of her life. 

For some, this story is infuriating, because Cinderella doesn’t “save herself”: she is largely saved by external forces. She is seen as a quintessential damsel-in-distress, and especially for people who have been bullied, infantalised, or made to feel less capable or weak, that can be a real point of personal pain and discomfort. 

However, for some others, Cinderella is a figure of strength, because she is able to endure such hostile environments and terrible people and never gives up her gentle nature or her hope. She never becomes cruel, or bitter. She is brave in daring to go outside her tiny, trapped world, and she is brave to let the prince find her. She doesn’t have to fight or struggle to earn her reward of happiness and prove her worth, because she was always deserving of love and kindness. The prince recognises at once, narratively speaking, her goodness and virtue, and stops at nothing to deliver her a better life. 

Depending on the version, the wicked family disfigure themselves for their own greed--or are punished, which for some is a revenge fantasy; or Cinderella forgives them and once again shows her tenacious kindness, which for others is a different revenge fantasy. 

The point? Cinderella is the same character in the same story, but these are almost unrecognisable readings when you put them side-by-side. Which one is right? Which one is better? In my opinion, those are the wrong questions. I hope this (long, sorry) reply is a set of more useful ones. 

[aegialia]

self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill. 

for good: 

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through 

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby. 

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting. 

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends. 

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me. 

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness. 

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories. 

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me. 

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

[brockachu]

👀 idk if you would rec said fics on main, cool if you don't want to. But would love to hear about them! - 💖

okie dokie, i got 2 asks about the 2 fics i'd read recently that had really impacted me & helped me with some emotional processing (sorry for the delay, took a bit for my brain to not be scared of the inbox) so please see below the cut

so, a warning first that i'm going to explain why these fic were so impactful to me, which will also delve into me loosely explaining some of my personal mental health issues & hang-ups. there shouldn't be anything trigger, but this is going to be Very personal. if that's uncomfortable, which i get, b/c y'all don't always need to know everything 'about the blogger', i'd suggest skimming for the links & bolded parts. also, these are spoiler free descriptions of the stories/themes.

the first fic is peace will come (no other homeland but you). it's r graves/d hamiltion, rated E, 60k. when it came out was about when my mental health started really going wild (i hit a small manic episode, which resulted in me over-consuming a lot of media + going on that insane run where i made a fancam almost every day for like 3 weeks + really got over-invested/involved in social media). it took me about 2 weeks to read, with my attention span + the fact i never really read one long fic (anything over 10k) at a time b/c i jump between fic or watching things or reading outside of fic (mainly news & op-eds, which i'm now cutting back on for my own mental health tbh; trying to get back into novels or poetry, if anyone has recs). this fic deals a lot with grief, mainly from the perspective of a character supporting someone in grief, but also touches on handling indirect/negligent trauma & learning how to care for yourself by way of allowing others to care for you. but more than the direct things intended in the plot & character development, i think what hit me with this one is the way affection is treated. affection in this story is communication, rather than a prize or a balm or a consequence. affection is treated as a fact and something that happens just because, not as a result or a drive for anything. in counterpoint to the themes of grief and trauma, i found the presence of affection really soothing but also just deeply emotionally impactful. i didn't have an affectionate upbringing & i was also bullied for significant amounts of my childhood (a lot of this ties to my ethnic & racial background, as a viet american child of refugees; i mention this only bc i know it comes up with fleeting regularity on my blog) -- in many ways, i relate a lot to ryan in this story. but also, grief has been something i've carried through a lot of my life (being the child of refugees means death has always been the unspoken companion to all my family's stories; deaths have been marking points in my life from birth and i mean that literally. i can't explain the context of my birth without several deaths being explained too). this story didn't have a lot of specifics that correlated with me, unlike my second rec, but this fic really gets to emotions in a way that i could feel and that i really needed to feel. in case it isn't obvious, i'm very much in the camp of 'sob it out' and 'let this express your feelings for you'. so, if you want a nice slow but steady story that will really let you drag out some feelings about grief & negligence & affection, i'd recommend this one a lot. also because, ultimately, the love in this story is so gentle and beautiful and touching. (side note: i read this Long before i realized i have a mini-crush on actual dougie + i have a strong sense of separation between fic-persona & hockey-persona, which i also have compartmentalized realizing that neither have Anything to do with the real ppl that players are. i get that doesn't make sense or work for everyone, but i thought it would be worth noting.)

and the second fic is: Who Are We to Blame Ourselves for Moving On (To Become Someone). it's currently incomplete, but marked for one more chapter until completion; j eichel/c mcdavid, rated E, 145k. i started reading this one maybe a couple days after i had finished peace will come, which was me inadvertently choosing to roundhouse kick myself with emotional processing in the face for like a solid month. while it's over twice as long as peace will come, it took me roughly the same amount of time, give a couple days, to finish to where it is now. at the time i started it was when my seasonal depression flipped into a downswing and i started pulling back on 'productivity' w/ making things (fancams, edits, sewing projects, baking, cooking, etc). i'm guessing that my reading pace was a little faster because i couldn't get my brain to do anything else anyway. but also, it just hooked me. from the outside, this fic is a pretty standard fake dating premise that just seems kinda goofy and fun. and i love a fake dating fic. and i lowkey really love the mceichel narrative (surprise surprise the bleed through from my actual unfortunate affection for jack ultimate bitch eichel). this one surprises you, or at least it surprised me. it deals explicitly with coming out and the ways it's a process and continuous and never the same, even experiencing as one person, much less sharing it with someone else; tho it's not about mceichel coming out to the public. it's about coming out on a very personal level, which is really, really relateable. but in handling the extremely nebulous landmine topic of coming out, it also weaves in & juggles themes of personal identity (how can an identity be freeing, how can it be heavy, how do you end up trapping yourself in it, how do you let yourself out) and having a sense of responsibility much larger than yourself. so the thing about me is that i grew up as 'the perfect eldest daughter/child' -- i am the most fluent in viet out of all my siblings, ergo my job has always been to be communicator & interpreter between my parents & my siblings. (it's not that my parents don't/can't speak english. it's that they aren't confident in it and code switch constantly. also even when they are speaking only english, they still have always asked me to carry the message on to my siblings in a palatable/understanding manner. and because i've done it my whole life, before i even realized that was what i was doing, i never learned to say no. so my parents have never learned to communicate effectively with my siblings & my siblings have never learned how to communicate effectively with my parents.) i make sure that everyone knows 'what's going on', whether that's event planning or news or anything else. i was also a 'gifted kid' -- made straight a's all through grade school, went to a prep high school with full scholarship, first kid on both maternal & paternal sides to go to a 4-year private university out of state also with scholarship, was wait-listed for duke & accepted to notre dame (i went to another school that some old followers will know but that i no longer mention for privacy, esp on my hockey blog b/c that relates to how i'm like 1-2 degrees separated from the nhl), won writing prizes, etc etc. if any of y'all have watched the disney film encanto, up until age 20 i was basically isabela -- i was Perfect, i was Everything my parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles/peers/teachers/advisors/bosses/Everyone wanted me to be. and i hated myself, deeply (sometimes, i still do, but i'm aware of it and working on it, always). and eventually i hit such extreme burnout that one of my academic advisors basically had to force me to go on medical leave. y'all may wonder why i went on this tangent about myself -- it's because this fic Hit Me in Every Single One of These Little Spots. the way it hits these beats are not the same as my experiences, but the similarity is there in a way that made it impossible for me not to take multiple sob breaks while reading, especially in the second chapter (ie the more eichs-centric chapter).

like, look, i would almost never recommend an unfinished fic. i also would never bookmark an unfinished fic. except, for this one i am recommending it and for this one i have already bookmarked it. and even if it Never gets completed, i imagine i'll re-read it at least a couple times a year, because it has let me feel a lot of things that i thought i had long come to terms with or at least could pack away, but that i apparently still need re-processing from time to time. also, finishing it got me to kickstart making some tough decisions in my life. idk if i'll ever go into detail about that on here, but that's an aside. so, if you are ready to kick your own repression's ass and okay with maybe ugly crying about it multiple times, i really recommend who are we to blame ourselves for moving on.

okay, so that's my long rambling done. if y'all ever wanna ask more about fic, i'm actually cool with getting asks or even dm's, but i'm not super active the community. who knows, tho, i could end up being semi-involved again. i actually did used to write somewhat regularly. my ao3 is here (all my bookmarks are private ftr, just b/c i prefer it that way).

[anonymoustalks]

i think the supreme court is a horrible institution tbh

(6-19-20) You both like politics.

You: hi

Stranger: hi

You: what are you interested in?

Stranger: ideology wise? leftism. discussion? whatever you want

You: leftism is an interesting word

Stranger: there are a variety of ideologies.

Stranger: what are u interested in?

You: mhm me, I guess people and the issues that affect them and their feelings

You: I guess I'm interested in what people think

Stranger: that's fair. different people believe different things for their own reasons.

You: yup

Stranger: any ideology?

You: I'm kind of like vanilla moderate-left

Stranger: hah.

Stranger: what an interesting phrase.

You: lol

You: idk I dunno if there's a particular ideology to it

You: I think I'm relatively normal though

Stranger: do you support capitalism?

You: mhm idk, we live in a capitalistic society

You: I think there are bad things that arise from capitalism

You: but I think I also benefit from it

Stranger: i suppose so.

You: what about you?

Stranger: no, i don't support capitalism

You: mhm how far left are you?

Stranger: hahaha

Stranger: definitely not center-left

Stranger: pretty far

You: lol

You: all the way to the left? (jk)

Stranger: i'm so far left i don't believe in a state

You: haha

You: I feel like there are many of you on omegle

Stranger: or u may just be talking to me over and over again

You: that could be the case

You: do you think you've talked to me before?

Stranger: i meet a lot of people who refuse labels

Stranger: but i find that funny bc in the end our ideological beliefs can be classified as being this or that

You: mhm

You: I think I'm a little bit more policy driven than ideologically driven possibly

You: ideologically I may be a hippie lol

Stranger: but policies are the result of underlying ideology

Stranger: i like hippies a bit

Stranger: free love

You: mhm, but the policies I support don't always reflect my ideology I think

You: yup!

Stranger: fair

You: I think it's important to love everyone

You: and I think its important for government to address as many people's problems as possible

You: even though somebody's problems might not be my problems

Stranger: well as fellow humans we should care for each other

You: yup

You: I like omegle because I like hearing about what people consider to be their problems

You: and I think about what they are angry about

Stranger: capitalism, post-colonial legacies, and hierarchies of power

Stranger: i guess they could all fall under the latter

You: haha ^^

You: where are you from?

Stranger: american

You: mhm

Stranger: u?

You: I think there are a lot of race narratives lately

You: us east

You: so I think about that a lot

You: a lot of difficult feelings about race

Stranger: we have never addressed the hierarchies that slavery created

You: yup

Stranger: they evolved

Stranger: and continue to ruin ppl

You: mhm

Stranger: 's lives

You: I think I try to understand where the alt-right and conservatives are coming from

You: or at least, that's what I spend a lot of my time on omegle doing

Stranger: i don't engage with them

Stranger: they lie

You: you dc?

Stranger: what?

You: disconnect

Stranger: yes. fascism does not need a platform

You: mhm

Stranger: and i don't need to hear someone try to explain white genocide to me

Stranger: it's not real

Stranger: they have created false narratives

Stranger: and i know where they come frm

You: mhm

You: I try to talk to them

You: or well, I try to understand why they're attached to their beliefs

Stranger: their narratives are violent

You: very

Stranger: be careful

Stranger: u might fall down a hole

You: fall down a hole?

Stranger: into the alt-right

You: oh haha

Stranger: i've seen it happen to too many moderate or centrists

You: mhm, thanks for the warning I guess haha

You: I just think there is so much sadness in this country

You: and I think that bothers me

Stranger: u think?

You: well it does

Stranger: i understand the sadness

Stranger: but i am not sad any longer, i am angry

You: mhm

You: are you protesting?

Stranger: yes

You: mhm that's cool

Stranger: and u?

You: no, I'm not very involved, unfortunately >.<

You: I feel like I am glued to the news constantly though

Stranger: if u are not protesting, u can donate

Stranger: or disseminate information

You: oh do you know any good organizations?

Stranger: the naacp is always good

You: yup

Stranger: don't just donate to random ones, some aren't real

You: yeah that would be bad

Stranger: it happened with this foundation based in CA

Stranger: ppl donated millions

You: that's fraud

Stranger: i mean technically in this system it's not

You: hm?

Stranger: it's a legitimate org

You: oh

Stranger: but it's owned by one man

You: ah...

Stranger: only one man

Stranger: and he's the only one who "works" there

You: yeah that seems so sketchy

Stranger: but it's also ppl's fault for not doing their research

You: off topic but I'm really happy about daca today

Stranger: i am too.

You: (was browsing through the naacp twitter)

Stranger: but still worried

You: yeah

Stranger: roberts only sided with the liberal justices bc of a technicality

You: yeah

Stranger: i think the supreme court is a horrible institution tbh

You: mhm go on

Stranger: why do they basically get lifetime appointments?

You: mhmm

You: yeah idk

You: I think in theory, they're not supposed to be political

You: but they totally are

Stranger: of course

Stranger: everything is political

You: are you involved in social media?

Stranger: not really

You: was just curious where you get your news

Stranger: i browse news sources.

Stranger: i like politico

You: ahh that's nice

Stranger: it's pretty accepted by both parties

You: yeah I'm browsing the wikipedia article

You: I feel like I end up reading them a lot when it's around election time for some reason

Stranger: i always cross-check sources tho

You: mhm you're very thorough

You: I think I usually end up reading the new york times the most, but mostly because I have it on my phone the most

Stranger: anyone can be the victim of fake news, i am no exception

You: yeah

You: I should check if there's a politico app

Stranger: i try not to have those apps, bc then i'd be tempted to keep checking

You: haha

Stranger: i limit my news intake to the morning

Stranger: and sometimes in the late afternoon

You: mhm, I should probably be more disciplined I guess

Stranger: we all have our thing

Stranger: i only recently started doing it

Stranger: i can only hand so much human suffering at one time

You: yeah

You: it's a lot to process and digest

Stranger: humans haven't evolved to handle this amount of human suffering

Stranger: the digital age overwhelms us

You: yeah

You: idk if people or more insensitive or something too

You: I gues the mean-spiritedness

Stranger: i think we become desensitized

Stranger: it's like seeing another school shooting

Stranger: you feel bad, but it's morbidly normal

Stranger: and u think "not again" but then nothing changes

You: mhm, I've been weirdly and randomly emotional over the last couple weeks

You: it's strange

Stranger: u should let yourself feel

Stranger: it's a lot

You: mhm

You: I don't know how to navigate the politico site lol

Stranger: oh?

You: I kind of like the old style where everything is just listed chronologically in order of publication lol

Stranger: Hahaha

Stranger: i understand

You: like I think I found their tag feature

You: but I just want to be able to scroll through everything

Stranger: but this might make you a better news consumer

You: mhm, efficient or something? you mean?

Stranger: not efficient.

Stranger: a more conscious consumer

Stranger: you're going to be more thoughtful in what you chose to seek out and consume

You: oh

You: idk, I kind of struggle with "top news" sections

Stranger: hah

Stranger: Well, I should go to bed. It was a pleasure chatting. Take care, and wear a mask!

You: okay, goodnight!

You: thanks for talking to me!

Stranger: No problem, it's nice chatting with people who aren't dumbass pedants.

Stranger: Goodnight.

Stranger has disconnected.