#it's also just sad to see him suffer so much in a sacrificial way. usually his self inflicted pain is... not helpful to say the least

[daz4i]

me last month seeing the elevator falling and the implication dazai might die: lol. lmao even

me this month seeing him drag his bloody broken feet until he can’t move anymore and telling fyodor he’s tired of being in pain and asking for a break from it etc:

[lesbianrobin]

Would you be willing to share any tropes or pet peeves you have with the fandoms intepretation of HOH! Steve? No pressure at all but I know it’s gaining popularity and that fandoms historically have a shit record with disability and you’ve spoken about your frustrations with that tag. Also thank you for sharing the link to the movie!! I’ve been wanting to watch more historical films especially ones that push back against assumptions of what the past was capable of!

omg YES thank you for asking!!! so to preface for anybody who doesn't know: i myself am hard of hearing and i used to post about steve being hard of hearing sometimes prior to s4, but i haven't posted about it much since it became a Thing in the fandom because i don't trust other people on my posts lmao.

so honestly this is gonna be less about specific tropes and more of a broad ideological discussion bc i don't usually read the hoh steve fics i scroll past and i don't want to act like i Know exactly what all of them are like based off just the few i have read. however, i Have seen the tags and summaries and read the first few paragraphs of a lot of them, and i feel like that's enough for me to have like. an opinion. so ANYWAY.

my first issue is just that pretty much everyone i've seen writing hoh steve is hearing themselves. there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but the thing is that hoh steve is like. entirely a creation of fandom, yknow? there's not rly anything in canon that indicates steve has poor hearing--honestly, if anything, he seems to have rather keen ears (picking up on the background music in the russian code in s3, being the first one to hear dustin in the upside down in s4). you can certainly reverse-engineer it and argue that poor school performance can be an indicator of poor hearing, that his head injuries could potentially cause hearing loss, but neither of those are things where hearing loss naturally comes to mind without somebody looking for it, so this begs the question of why. what exactly is motivating these hearing people to write this character as hoh?

i've noticed some things that tend to go along with hoh steve. one is steddie, which is kind of a given in the st fandom at this point, but it's the things that go along with that which concern me. the "babygirl steve" thing where steve is woobified and feminized to the point of being nigh-unrecognizable seems quite common among these fics. steve often has other medical problems as well--he needs glasses, he gets migraines, he has memory loss, he's depressed, he's got chronic pain, etc, etc, and my disability is just another thing on a laundry list of issues that is seemingly employed for the sole purpose of making steve sad and hurt and pitiable so that (usually) eddie can come along and save him/baby him. i'm not gonna act like i've never tossed some shit at steve to make him suffer in a fic, but it's always for like. a Reason. and that reason has never once been just so i could ship him with somebody and make them into his savior.

i think a lot of people writing hoh steve just don't necessarily have great intentions with it, yknow? they see it as a way for steve to suffer nobly in silence and be self-sacrificial, or they think it's cute to make steve deaf since eddie plays loud music (???).

there are a lot of things i love about being hard of hearing. i love that i get to have a unique appreciation of sound that not everybody has. i love that i can take out my hearing aids when the world is too much. i love that i still discover new sounds at the age of twenty-two. did you guys know that dishwashers make noise? i didn't until today! my house was quiet and i kept hearing something strange until i tracked it down and realized! i love that i have a sense of wonder about every noise i hear! and while i don't begrudge anybody their enjoyment of hoh steve content, i have yet to see any that comes remotely close to capturing these feelings, so it's just not for me.

also this is a silly pet peeve but why is it that in these fics steve almost always learns asl and like rarely has hearing aids? like sorry but unless he's completely deaf that's out of character. steve harrington is not learning a whole new language unless he absolutely has to and has literally no other options. they had hearing aids in the eighties. c'mon people.

anyway. sorry that was so long lmao and thank you for asking!! also thank you for actually reading and caring about my within our gates post!! i highly recommend looking up some 1920s music to listen along with the film, though you can honestly listen to whatever you want--at the time, films didn't typically have dedicated scores, and individual theaters would provide their own musical accompaniment however they saw fit. oftentimes this meant a live musician would play piano during the film, and improvise to suit the mood/plot! happy viewing 💕

[goodshipsherlollipop]

Self-interview (but not really) Part 2

Thanks again @sherlollyappreciationweek

Comp1mom

Q: What made you decide to create a “Christian” version of Sherlock?  According to the BBC version, he is a self-avowed atheist.

A: When I look at Sherlock’s true nature, I see such potential for him as a Christian.  He exhibits so many characteristics that we, as Christians, try to show - forgiveness of wrongs done to him (note how he doesn’t fight back when John assaults him); sacrificial love (his willingness to die for others, as in TRF); the desire for true justice, the way Moriarty says he’s  “on the side of the angels”.  At least for me, I was intrigued by the idea of converting him to Christianity, to give him a true purpose for his life that has eternal consequences.  

Q: Do you think that portraying Sherlock as a Christian is important? Why or why not?

A: I am always hopeful that people will read and see the validity in my reasoning for him becoming a Christian, given how often he has escaped death.  Quite often, in stories, Molly puts the question to him - Why are you still here?  Why have you escaped death so many times?  That should be enough to make anyone reevaluate their life’s purpose.

Q: Molly Hooper is the one who proselytizes him, right? Why do you use Molly? Why not John, who must be a believer in Christ in some way or he would have had a problem with christening Rosie?

A: For me, it HAD to be Molly.  Her character and the way she behaves in the show is consistent with the behaviour of a Christian.  She loves Sherlock unconditionally; she sees beyond the detective persona to the real man beneath.  She needs to be the catalyst for Sherlock to be open to the idea of Christianity, because he loves and trusts her.  John, although he certainly believes in God and has some Christian (or Catholic in my story canon) background, does not live a life that is consistent with Christianity and its ideals.  He has multiple sexual partners.  Although I think he is an ethical man, I don’t believe he has the kind of sexual morality that is typical of committed Christians. Identifying yourself as a Christian because you were raised in a Christian home and went to church, does not make you one if you display behaviour that is contrary to what the Bible teaches.  Either you’re committed to what you believe and try to follow what the Bible teaches, or you are not really committed to your faith, (not that Christians are perfect - far from it, but we do try to follow what the Bible teaches, and we feel guilt when we fail).  There’s a difference between being a Jesus fan and a Jesus follower.

Q: What evidence does Molly use to convince Sherlock of a Higher Power?

A:  In various stories, Molly points out the beauty and balance of creation, that it does not make sense for that balance to have occurred spontaneously.  She also points out the complexity of the human body and how it is built with all its systems designed to work in harmony.  Personally, I believe these two facts are huge considerations, and that it takes far less of a leap in logic to believe something created this beauty, rather than it happening spontaneously.  Molly also points out the fact that Sherlock has been spared from death so many times and asks him to question why that is so, whether there is a higher purpose to his life because of that.  

Q: How do you maintain Sherlock’s acerbic wit and still have him believe that Jesus Christ is more than a swear, is a deity, the Deity?

A:  I try to show that Sherlock is not the “perfect” Christian.  He has many years of conditioning in one type of behaviour, and that is something that is going to come out from time to time. I don’t find it as difficult to write him as someone who does not use the name of Jesus Christ in a profane way, because he doesn't talk that way in the show (unlike John). Personally, I am also not comfortable in writing (or reading) stories that use the name of Jesus Christ as an expletive.

Q: What does belief in Jesus Christ do for his detective work? Or does it influence his detective work?

A: Oh, I definitely think his faith adds an element of compassion to Sherlock’s detective work.  He is no longer answerable only to himself, but he is trying to behave in a way that displays his faith and pleases God.  That means thinking before he speaks, caring about the people involved in the case, rather than just the case itself. His motives, to glorify God in his work, are his priority.

Q: Is there any evidence in Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s writing that Sherlock Holmes believes in Something Higher than himself?

A:  I absolutely believe ACD’s Sherlock believed in God, which is one of the reasons I felt it believable to change BBC Sherlock’s atheistic stance.  ACD’s Sherlock mentions Providence, as evidenced in this quote from The Naval Treaty.

“Our highest assurance of the goodness of Providence seems to me to rest in the flowers. All other things, our powers, our desires, our food, are all really necessary for our existence in the first instance. But this rose is an extra. Its smell and its color are an embellishment of life, not a condition of it. It is only goodness which gives extras, and so I say again that we have much to hope from the flowers.”

Also, in The Boscombe Valley Mystery, when Sherlock lets a dying killer go, he says, “You are yourself aware that you will soon have to answer for your deed at a higher court than the Assizes.” This implies God will judge the man after he dies.

Penelope Chestnut

Q: How long have you written  Sherlolly stories? What made you start writing?

A: A dear friend of mine recommended watching Sherlock, and my husband and I binge watched it in the summer of 2017.  After the final episode, I was so sad that the Sherlock and Molly dynamic was not resolved, I was moved to write a happy ending for them.  My daughters have been involved in fanfiction for years, so I knew people did this kind of thing.  My intention was to write a one-shot happy ending for them, just for my own satisfaction.  After I wrote it, though, I found I didn't want to let the characters go.   I had fallen in love with their story, and I wanted to keep writing for them.  60 chapters later, I decided to start publishing my story, A Journey to Love, Faith and Marriage.  This was just over 3 years ago, on November 7th 2017,  when I joined fanfiction.net.  I later joined ao3 as well and was publishing on both sites for quite some time.  I've had a better response though on fanfiction.net, so have pretty much limited myself to that site over the past year and a half.  I continue to make revisions and correct errors on my fanfiction.net stories, while I don’t really do anything on ao3. I have been likened to a writing machine on a couple occasions.  To date, on fanfiction.net, I have published over 1.9m words.  Putting that in perspective, in three years I've published the equivalent of more than 7 volumes of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (the longest book in her series), or close to two and a half volumes of the Holy Bible.

Q: Do you have a certain routine you follow when you write?

A: I don’t have a set daily routine, but I do set myself a goal to complete a certain amount of work per week.  This has changed over time.  Currently, I set myself the goal to write at least one chapter of a story each week, to keep myself in line with my publishing schedule of one chapter per week.  If I am writing an installment for my COVID-19 series that is published in addition to my regular publishing schedule, I still try to write that in addition to my usual chapter writing for the week.  So, at times I write more in a week than other times. I am also working on revising one of my AU’s into a Christian historical romance I hope to publish professionally next year.  

Q: What is it like being a Christian author?

A: It brings me joy to spread a Christian message through my work, but, like anyone else, at times I do suffer self-doubt.  I've questioned in the past whether my limited audience makes worthwhile the enormous effort I put into writing these stories.  It can definitely be discouraging to get very little return on your work, and I have a bad habit of comparing myself to more “popular” writers in the fandom.  I am, however, getting better at recognizing my own self-worth, having confidence that the lack of readers is not a reflection on my ability and talent as a writer, but more a reflection on the general lack of interest from the majority of Sherlolly fans in reading stories with Christian themes and the values that go along with it (particularly sexual purity outside marriage). Just as I don’t care to read stories of characters with a colourful sexual history because I don’t agree with that kind of behaviour due to my Christian beliefs, I imagine those without similar beliefs are probably not interested in reading about sexual purity or abstinence before marriage, as it is not something they can relate to. Thankfully, I am blessed to have a small but vocal support group who really give me the impetus to keep writing these Christian stories.

Q: Are there any devices you use in your writing as a legally blind author?

A:  As I mentioned earlier, I absolutely would be lost without my iPad.  Actually, it is the larger sized iPad Pro.  I would also be lost without programs that give me the ability to resize the font so I can read it!  Thank God for technology!

If you made it to the end of this two-part interview, I hope you enjoyed getting to know my writing journey better.  God bless!

[were-dragon]

I'm sorry, has anyone really expected me not to go with body swap on this prompt? That will never happen. Day 5: Role reversal. Winston and Symmetra are working on a way to teleport multiple people at once, so in case of a crisis, agents don't have to go in one by one. As usual, the crisis comes much sooner than expected - and the first practical test does not go as planned. Who is even surprised at this point? Now the team in question has to deal with the fallout and some uncomfortable revelations. ...and yes, at this point Symmetra is my main sacrificial lamb for lousy plot bunnies. Meh, someone had to be

Words: 5+k

Rating: T

Pairings: Jesse McCree/Hanzo Shimada, Genji Shimada & Hanzo Shimada

Tags: Bodyswap, Light Angst, shimada brothers feels, Shimada Dragons, Noodle Dragons, but a bit more ferocious, this had a potential to either be 20k of hurt/comfort or this one-shot for day 5 prompt, honestly it was a tough choice, Peapod McHanzo Week, Friendship/Love, Best Friends

“Explain.” Hanzo’s tone makes it clear enough this is the one and only chance for them, in case they missed the murderous intent on his face. It was surreal to see that expression on McCree’s face pointed towards anyone friendly and it made Winston trip over his own tongue.

“I- um, we are still in the stage of finding out all the- the details. As we told you before the mission, the device was not properly tested but we deemed it stable enough for a case of emergency.” He pushed his glasses up his nose. “Which, may I add, came to pass.”

“As you are all here and alive it was clearly a good decision,” Satya huffed, pausing in her work over Winston’s station.

McCree’s - well Hanzo’s - arm shoot up to hold off the archer. “Whoa there, pardner. They’re working on it. Let’s keep them to it, okay?”

“McCree,” Hanzo growled and began to look up just to realize he is the taller one of them now and turned his gaze down. His own face was looking at him with an infuriatingly placating smile on his lips.

“I must agree with Jesse on this,” Angela said pausing at the mechanical, and male, voice the words came out in. “I need to do tests on all of us. Really, we shouldn’t have loose time with a debriefing, this is clearly a medical emergency ergo it takes priority.” Her helmeted head turned to where her body was standing rather rigidly, arms holding as to not to touch her own body, making her look like a bad mannequin. “You should have told me, Genji.”

“I… am sorry, doctor..” Was the stilted answer in her own voice.

“Well, I’m not done with this!” A booming voice made them all flinch, including the speaker herself.

“Hana,” McCree started but the huge German knight whirled at him.

“Don’t even, Hanzo! I mean McCree! Just don’t. Look at me! I’m- old! And a guy!”

“This is most peculiar!” Agreed Reinhardt, his usually greater-than-life voice underwhelming coming from D.Va’s tiny body.

“We just want to know when do ya think we can get back into our own bodies,” McCree asked placatingly the scientist and architech respectively.

Winston scratched his head in thought but it was Satya who answered.

“There is much to be done first. We don’t even know how this came to be. We won’t try to reverse it until we know, we could do more harm than good.”

“Because you did such a great job the first time around,” Hana griped in what should probably be under her breath tone but Reinhardt’s vocal box turning into a sentence of regular loudness.

“Uncalled for,” McCree said reprovingly and to her credit, she winced.

“Yeah, sorry. This is just-“

“Uncomfortable,” Genji filled in, still too rigid to be anything but supremely uncomfortable.

“I know. But I’m inclined to agree with Angela, you should all move to med bay. I promise we will let you know the moment we have any new information.”

So they did. The deflated shuffle walk of individuals not quite sure how their bodies work and too afraid to breaks something. Or someone.

McCree sighed, his right hand still holding onto the serape just to hold Hanzo back just in case. And they thought the mission was bad. Fucking typical.

“I see,” Zenyatta said, his head looking from one to the next. “Genji?”

“Here, Master,” Genji replied, Angela’s body raising a hand, barely breaking out of its dejected posture.

“I see,” Zenyatta repeated. “Would it be okay if Genji accompanied me elsewhere, doctor Ziegler?”

“I need to check over everyone first, Zenyatta. And I have some questions for Genji I need to-” she paused, clearly not wanting to say it out loud.

“I understand but maybe I could lend you a hand in that way later?”

“It is okay, master,” Genji sighed. “I do not wish for Angela to be in undue pain because of me.”

“Pain?” Hanzo asked with urgency. “Were you injured on the mission?”

“No, brother.” Without his mask, all of his emotions were clearly written all over Angela’s face. It spoke of sadness. And guilt. “I speak of the pain of being a cyborg. I might have neglected to inform doctor Ziegler about my usual state of being. I’ve learned to ignore it.”

Hanzo looked stricken, then bowed his head, gritting his teeth. The hat was shielding him from most of the room but McCree was standing right next to him and he knew his own face, alright? He knew how he looked when he was fighting tears.

“Anija, please do not-”

“I am sorry,” Hanzo blurted before all but ran out of the infirmary.

“Aniki!”

“Hanzo! We need to check you over!” Angela called after him in Genji’s mechanical voice and McCree internally cursed.

“Don’t worry, I’ll bring him back,” he said to the room, making his way to the door. “Just, do yer thing and we’ll be back.”

He did not wait for their response and made his way where he knew Hanzo would be. His gait much smoother and faster than what he was used to, also quieter. It felt much easier to move and he silently marveled at Hanzo’s fitness. “Damn ninjas.”

He knew he would find Hanzo on the balcony under the roof where he usually tended to retreat to. There would be no fancy wall climbing in Jesse’s body and boots, though.

So when he opened the door and his gaze fell on the man leaning on the railing with a hand over his eyes he was unsurprised.

He hadn’t said anything as he neared the archer, just took in the shaking shoulders and wet sounding breaths.

It took a while before Hanzo spoke. “You should stop smoking,” was the first thing he said when Jesse was close enough.

“Yeah. Yer not the first one to tell me that.”

“And your endurance is atrocious. My sides never hurt after such a short distance.”

“Hey know, no need to be mean. We can’t all be fitness-freak ninjas.” McCree went with the banter as he closed the remaining distance, standing next to Hanzo, looking down at the monitoring station. Just to give Hanzo some semblance of privacy.

Hanzo scoffed, trying and failing to stop the wetness gather in his eyes.

After a few more moments of whipping the moisture from his face, Hanzo sighed, tone grouchy. “This body cries very easily.”

“Yeah, always did,” Jesse chuckled. “On the flip side I don’t suffer from puffy eyes much, so yer in luck there.” Out of habit, he patted his chest pocket for a cigarillo but of course, there was none. And neither was a pocket. Now that he considered it, he hadn’t really had craving for it. But he wouldn’t say no to a drink.

“Did you know?”

There was no need for clarification. “I knew back in Blackwatch, hoped it changed with time. Guess not.”

Hanzo made a self-deprecating noise and Jesse cringed a little. It was weird to hear himself do it.

“Why would he keep it a secret?”

Jesse tried not to let his face show any pity but he held little hope as Hanzo probably knew his face as good as Jesse knew his.

“Ya know why. Yer brother forgave you and wants you to do the same. He wouldn’t want to add up to the fuckton of guilt you already carry around.”

Hanzo growled. “Do you not think it deserved? He might have survived but the past eleven years of his life were filled with pain. In mind and in body.”

“Han, let it go. If not for you then for him. Genji worked so hard to move past it. Yes, he lives with physical pain but you can’t tell me he’s not happy.”

Hanzo pressed the fingers of Jesse’s flesh hand into his eyes, letting out a long breath.

“I do not think I can. Not yet anyway,” he continued before Jesse could say anything else. “But I will not bring it up with him.”

Jesse guessed that was the best deal he could break right now. He patted Hanzo’s left shoulder. The man’s face contorted.

Oh. Right. Genji wasn’t the only one with constant aches.

“I am telling doctor Ziegler about this.”

“Aw, Han. Come on.”

When they got back into the infirmary, Genji, presumably still in Angela’s body, and Zenyatta were gone. The doctor was now checking over Hana who was holding herself very still. Jesse noticed some items scattered on the ground and a tipped over chair.

“Not used to taking this much space, huh?” he asked, sidestepping Reinhard who ironically took as much space as usual despite the smaller packaging.

“It’s the worst! I keep bumping things. And people.” She leaned forward, wincing. “And my back aches. And my joints.”

“Tis the weather, little one. It can’t be helped. But you will find I’m more than fit!”

Hana’s grumbles made Jesse chuckle into his hand. Everyone turned to look at him.

“Oh my god, did you just giggle? I didn’t know Hanzo could do that!”

“Aye, it’s most unexpected.”

Next to him, Hanzo bristled. “I do not giggle .”

Hana laughed. “Maybe you don’t but he does. And right now that makes you the one giggling.”

“It wasn’t a giggle,” Jesse protested but he could already tell it wouldn’t change a thing, so he deflected. “Just focus on your achy joints, firecracker, would you?”

That was enough for Angela to get back to work, her movements little stilted and jerky.

It the end Reinhardt was fine, he was perfectly alright, with the sole exception that the body was not inhabited by him. And it went similarly when Mercy checked Hana’s body as well, passing all the response test with flying colors.

“Alright, who wishes to go next?”

Hanzo stepped forward before McCree could say a single thing. He sat on the bed formerly occupied by Reinhardt and thrust his bent left arm forward.

“Dammit, Hanzo.” McCree couldn’t help himself.

“I said I would inform the doctor and that is what I am doing.”

“Is there something wrong?” Angela crossed her arms, one hip cocked slightly to the side in posture she usually took on when someone was about to be in trouble. It looked strange on Genji, to say the least.

“McCree’s arm causes him constant discomfort. I believe it is not completely usual.”

The doctor hummed. “Can you give me a number on a scale from one to ten?”

Hanzo thought. “Solid four.”

“‘S not that bad!” Jesse protested but neither of them was listening.

“Hmm.” Angela took the arm carefully into her hands, straightening, bending, and twisting it in this or that direction. Hanzo’s face remained stoic but McCree nearly winced himself when she turned the palm away from the body. He knew what Hanzo must be feeling at that moment. The archer obediently described all sensations and Angela nodded, while still prodding at different spots.

“I believe we have the cause. The anchor for the prosthetic arm is pinching a nerve right here,” she pointed at a specific place. “I am afraid we will need to refit it.”

“Goddammit,” McCree murmured. He hated the first fitting and the second one even more. “Do we have to, Ang?”

“Yes, Jesse. If it didn’t go away on its own so far there is little hope it will at all. Either the pain will keep worsening or your arm will go numb and probably weaken considerably. Worst-case scenario, you will lose control over the prosthesis.”

Well, fuck. He sighed, making a grab for his hat, that, of course, wasn't there.

“Alright, fine. When?”

“I can have it ready in a few days, I’ll ask Torbjorn to prioritize it. You should speak to him about any changes you might want.”

“Nope. No changes. I’m used to this one, so make it as close to it as possible.”

Angella nodded, clearly not surprised by his choice. “I will tell him. We will be ready when this thing is reversed.”

“No.” Hanzo jumped in. “There is no reason to wait for us to be in our correct bodies. Tell me when it is ready and we will do it immediately.”

“What in the hells, are you crazy?!” Jesse grabbed his shoulder turning him so they could face each other. “You have no idea what yer sayin’.”

Hanzo scoffed. “Do not treat me as a child, McCree. I know how serious the procedure is but I’m sure doctor Ziegler will agree it is best to fix this situation as soon as possible. Is it not?”

Angela was looking Hanzo but with her face hidden behind the faceplate, Jesse couldn’t tell what she thought about it.

“Are you sure, agent Shimada? We will have to attach a new anchor for the prosthetic arm, I do not have to tell you the nerve re-attachment will be excruciating even with anesthetic and there will be rehabilitation necessary afterward.”

“Angela, no.”

“I understand and I am willing.”

She looked from Hanzo to Jesse, who was putting on his best begging face, and back to Hanzo before nodding. “I will inform Torbjorn there is no need to wait then.”

“I don’t get a fucking say in this? It is still my body! If anyone has to go through that shit it should be me, not Hanzo.”

“It still could be you, Jesse. We do not know how long it will take for Satya and Winston to reverse this. And agent Shimada is right, we cannot wait too long. How long has it been hurting like this, Jesse?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Eight or nine months? I don’t remember.”

“Jesse!”

“It’s not that bad! I just learned to work around it, ‘s all.”

There was a string of muttered German that he didn't really need to speak to understand.

“We are not waiting any longer.” She raised her hand to stop his protests. “You know I can overrule you on this, Jesse.”

Jesse knew. Reyes made damn sure of it. And goddammit he should have taken the time to officially quit back then. He and Genji were probably the only ones with that particular clause in their contracts.

He also knew Angela never acted on it unless it was beyond serious. He rubbed his face with both hands before letting his shoulders slump in defeat.

“Fine. Schedule it as you see fit.”

“Thank you,” she said, there was a palpable warmth in that mechanical voice.

The rest of the examination went by quickly and nearly silently. Hanzo waited for him until he was done as well before saying goodbye to Angela and leaving the infirmary.

They managed to walk for all of sixty feet before Jesse turned on Hanzo, grabbing the serape and pushing his back to the wall.

“What the fuck do you think yer doing, Shimada!” he hissed at the now taller man. Spitting those words into his own face felt cathartic in a way he did not wish to think about.

Hanzo barred his teeth at him. “I am saving your arm!”

“No, yer tryin’ to punish yourself for Genji! And I don't appreciate you using my body to do it!”

Hanzo looked floored before gathering himself again. “Is that so? And this from a man who spent nearly a year in pain and is about to lose an arm because of his own foolish pride!” He pushed Jesse away with a grunt, stabbing a finger into his chest. “Do not presume to know my reasons!”

It felt like a slap, Jesse took a step back, watching as Hanzo’s chest heaved with anger hard enough he could see it even with the chest plate. When the archer turned and stalked away, leaving him to stand in the hallway, Jesse was still replaying Hanzo’s last words in his head.

Then he let out string of curses Hanzo’s mouth probably never before formed.

The knock on the door was soft and Genji contemplated ignoring it. He felt tired. Exhausted even.

He spent several hours with Zenyatta talking and thinking and feeling. And all we wished to do now was to shut down for a while. Or sleep. As he was not a cyborg at the moment and there was no forcing it.

He turned over on the bed just to discover he had to scoot a little to even reach the edge. One of many disorienting things about being in the body of a rather lithe human woman.

“Genji.”

McCree?

Genji frowned. The voice was soft but in a completely wrong way. Then he remembered.

Rising and opening the door was almost an automatic move. Hanzo did not seek him out often and Genji cherished those few occasions he did so. He did not wish for Hanzo to feel like he wasn’t welcomed now, after learning the unfortunate detail of Genji’s continuous existence.

Needless to say, it was bizarre to have to look up at him as McCree was much taller than Angela. He got used to being the taller brother now, it was his little joy.

“Aniki. How are you?”

The flash of pain was something he was not unused to see on Jesse’s face but it has been a while since there was a reason for it to happen in front of Genji. But now the knowledge of workings of McCree’s face was his boon as Hanzo seemed to lack the poker face he had in his own body.

“I wished to ask you that.”

Genji gestured for him to step into the room and let the door close behind them. There wasn’t much in a way of seating in his room. He lacked the desire for comfort as his body’s senses were limited in that and many other ways. But they used his bed as a makeshift couch before, they could do it now as well.

“Would you like to sit?”

Hanzo nodded, making his way across the rather narrow space; he avoided the weapon rack with Genji’s swords but his foot caught at one of the feet of the bed, making him stumble and drop down hard on the mattress, making it squeak.

Genji snorted. It came out much higher than he was used to and his brother shot him a look, eyebrows arched.  

That was fair. There was more than enough ammunition for both of them here.

“I take it McCree’s body is not treating you kindly?”

Hanzo scoffed. “He’s a stubborn fool, I am unsurprised his body is as well.”

“Harsh, brother. Did something happened?” Genji asked as he dropped on the bed; it did not make a sound, not even a decent bounce. How disappointing.

Hanzo scowled. “I do not wish to discuss McCree.”

Genji stared at him contemplatively, deciding if he should let it go or push. But maybe now wasn’t the best time for that. “Alright.”

“How are you feeling? Did doctor Ziegler said everything is good with you as well? Or as good as it can be at least?”

Genji smiled at Hanzo, forgetting he had no faceplate to hide it behind. His brother blinked several times, before looking down and scoffing as his face grew a shade darker.

“I am well, Hanzo. It was a shock, I will not lie about that. But mostly I was afraid I would hurt Angela’s body by accident. Next to my cyborg body, hers is quite fragile. It will take me some time to acclimatize, as Master put it. As I did after getting my new body.”

Hanzo nodded. “Understandable. If you will accept my advice, do not try to climb any walls.”

Genji blinked. Hanzo was staring back at him. They both started to laugh at the same time.

“You did not-” Genji wheezed.

“I wish I did not. I nearly toppled over the railing.”

That set up Genji all over again. His brother, who had the uncanny ability to climb any smooth surface by the age of seven, couldn’t do it with a pair of cowboy boots on.

“I would pay money to see that.”

Hanzo chuckled. “You may try and ask Athena, maybe she will be willing to part with the security footage for a favor or two.”

“I may just do that.”

He leaned back into the wall, sighing contentedly. “This is nice.”

“Mhm.”

“I must say I’m surprised, I expected you to… react in some way to Angela’s revelation. I thought that was why you have come.”

The quick intake of breath whistled a little between Hanzo’s lips. But to Genji’s surprise, there was nothing more.

“Do you not have questions, anija?”

“None that I think I need the answers to. I believe I understand your reasons for keeping it secret and I won’t pry. If you choose to speak to me about it in the future, I will listen.”

“How unexpectedly mature of you,” Genji quipped and Hanzo’s elbow connected with his upper arm.

“Shut up.”

Genji chuckled. “So what brought on this world-shattering epiphany? Or should I ask who?”

Hanzo shot him a dark look. “I told you I do not wish to speak about him.”

“So it was him.”

“Genji…”

“I simply wish to know if I should go knock him around a bit.”

Hanzo snorted. “In that body? Also, you would only bruise my own body. Best not.”

Genji sighed dramatically, stretching his legs. It felts extremely satisfying and it made him smile again. “I guess that’s true. But I could at least bitch at him a little, doctor Ziegler has a magnificent voice when it comes to yelling.”

“Personal experience?” Hanzo smirked.

“Maybe.” Genji finally decided to give up and simply plastered himself to Hanzo’s side. It wasn’t quite right but it hardly mattered.

“What are you doing?”

McCree’s put-upon tone had nothing on Hanzo’s, Genji chuckled. “Clearly, I am snuggling the resident cowboy because you are too chickenshit to do it yourself.”

He fully expected to be punched for that one, realizing too late it wouldn’t just bounce from his metal plates. Luckily, his brother was aware enough to slow his hand down before it connected. It still stung.

“You are not funny.”

“Lies.” Genji grabbed the hand and pulled himself closer with it, now putting his head on Hanzo’s shoulder. It was supremely uncomfortable but he could hold it for a little while.

“But seriously, are you okay, aniki?”

Hanzo sighed but leaned back enough so Genji could fit under his arm instead. It was a weird position but at least it was more comfortable. “I feel strange. I forgot how it feels without them constantly poking at my mind.”

A wave of goosebumps went over Genji; yet another sensation he hadn’t felt in a decade. “I know what you mean. I do hope they will stay put without us there to draw them out. But at least the good doctor knows Ramen. And Ramen likes her, so she shouldn’t cause any problems.”

Hanzo went very still under him. “Oh. Oh no. ”

Jesse felt worse before. Really, he did. Much worse even. But that hardly helped at the moment.

He spent an hour pacing around the compound, Hanzo’s body brimming with restless energy. Nothing like the slow humming undercurrent of his own he was used to. How was the archer always looking and acting so calm and collected was beyond him. The urge to run, climb, and throw punches all at once was making him supremely agitated.

In the end, he made his way to his room, punched in the code, and headed straight for the bed and the stock of bourbon under it.

Some indeterminable span of time later and more than half a bottle in, the agitation turned into a sulk. Not much better but at least he didn’t felt like he needed to go run a marathon anymore.

Jesse was aware he fucked up.

Badly.

He shouldn’t have said those things. He and Hanzo had a rocky start, mostly on account of Jesse’s long friendship with Genji and the somewhat aloof nature of the Shimada heir. But they got over it. And as they were passing it they discovered many common interests. And even better, a similar sense of humor. After that their relationship skyrocketed and soon reached a friendship Jesse would never expect. Nowadays they barely spent any free time without each other in some way. Even if they were far, or occupied by something, they tended to send each other messages, pictures or quips at the expense of those they were physically sharing space with. And somewhere in the middle of that, they entrusted some of their secrets to each other. Shards of unsavory pasts, mistakes that haunted their steps and dreams. Regrets.

Jesse hadn’t even noticed when he started to trace the outline of the dragon tattoo on Hanzo’s arm. It was such an intricate piece of art. Hanzo once told him that unlike regular tattoos this one did not fade and it stayed as sharp as it was the first day it was put on his skin.

‘Magic.’ Hanzo grinned at him that evening, taking a sip from his gourd before letting Jesse have one as well.

Jesse was confident this blunder wasn’t about to ruin what they have, their foundations were built much more solidly for a fight like this to shake them. But that did not mean he didn't feel like shit about it. He hated fighting with Hanzo. Real fighting. Not the banter, or quips, or shots they took at each other on regular basis. That was fun, they both knew it.

“Shouldn’t have brought Genji into it. ‘M such an idiot,” he murmured into his palms as he rubbed at his face.

True .

His eyes flew wide open and he dropped his hands.

“What.”

Sssstupid, cowboy.

The bright blue glow was as familiar as it was unexpected. He could feel the tingling under his skin turning into prickling and then burning as the glow intensified and morphed from tendrils into two thin, long forms floating in the air above him.

“Howdy?”

Why are you here?

He isss not here.

Where issss he?

What did you do with massster?

To say the dragons were aggravated was a gross understatement and Jesse suddenly felt a nibble of fear.

They were hissing over each other, twisting in the air and to his horror, growing.

“I’m sorry. I know this must feel wrong to you, guys. We got switched but they are working on getting us back in order, I swear!”

We can hear you.

You have hurt him.

We ssshould eat you.

“Oh god.” Pinned in his own bed under the coiling bodies of ancient spirits he saw wreak more havoc in battle than most bombs can, Jesse felt terror like scarce ever before.

He isss not here-

We could devour you whole.

-to ssstop usss.

“B- but it’s Hanzo’s body!” A new sort of horror poured over him as the thought of Hanzo losing his body got to him. Would he survive that? Would it kill them both? What if this wasn’t permanent and when they switched back, Hanzo would have nowhere to go and just disappeared?

We can sssave the body.

We can only take your sssoul.

That was somewhat relieving. Just a little. But he was still scared shitless. He barely noticed the sound of door opening and voices shouting.

Massster!

We can feel him!

He isss here!

“Udon! Soba! Stop this immediately!”

Jesse watched the spirits float over to where Hanzo was standing in Jesse’s body, the dragons swirling around him, poking their noses with trembling whiskers into his sides, and neck, and tugging at his clothes.

Hanzo was talking in fast Japanese, his voice stern and angry sounding.

Jesse flinched as someone touched him; Angela immediately pulling back, hands up in a placating gesture.

“It is only me. Are you well, Jesse?”

Oh. right. Not Angela. Genji. He let his eyes fall shut and head drop back on the pillow.

“Not gonna lie. I’ve been better.”

“Did they hurt you?”

He shook his head. “Nah. Not really. Scared me shitless though. They are not happy with me. Not one bit.” He peered from under his lashes at Hanzo, who was now holding the dragons who solidified around him, like two glowing blue anacondas. He was looking at Jesse with a forcibly neutral expression. “Can’t say I blame them.”

Genji let out a relieved breath, turning to his brother. “Anija?”

“They are calming down now. But I do not understand what drew them out in the first place.”

Jesse blinked, then groaned. “‘S my fault I think. Was touching the tattoo. Thinking about you.”

Next to him, Genji choked.

“Fer fuck’s sake not like that! Just, I don’t know, tracing it. Hadn’t even noticed at first.”

“Ah.” Was all Hanzo said.

The silence in the room was getting a bit awkward when Hanzo sighed and asked his brother: “Genji, could you give us a moment?”

“Sure, aniki!” Genji said happily, before turning to Jesse, murmuring: “Don’t fuck it up or I’ll fuck you up.” In that tone Angela only ever used on runaway patients who had the audacity to bring cigarillos and whiskey back to the med bay. He gulped.

Hanzo must have caught it because he rolled his eyes at his brother as he passed by.

Then he turned to Jesse, who was still lying on the bed. The dragons lifted their heads from Hanzo’s shoulders, watching Jesse intently.

“They won’t hurt you.”

“Mmhm.”

“They are under strict order not to.”

“As I said, I wouldn’t blame them. They got right to be pissed.” You got right to be pissed , was what Jesse meant to say. But Hanzo seemed to hear it anyway.

He let out a breath, sitting gingerly on the edge of the bed, careful not to actually sit on one of the coils around him.

“I-”

“I’m sorry!” Jesse blurted, suddenly afraid Hanzo would try and apologize to him instead. Hanzo huffed, a small smile curling his lips.

“I know you regret your words, Jesse. Just as I regret mine. But what I meant to say is that I’ve been thinking, and your words weren’t completely baseless. My decision was influenced by my guilt. But”- he raised a hand as Jesse opened his mouth to speak. “But it was only a small part of it. This is a serious issue and I would not have you risk your arm for my comfort.”

“Han, this is more than just about comfort. There’s a reason I haven’t said anything for so long. That surgery? I still have nightmares ‘bout the first one. Yes, they’ll give ya anesthetics but not enough, they need you to be awake and feel for their readings to be worth a damn.”

Hanzo nodded. “I am aware.”

Jesse was now focusing solely on Hanzo’s eyes.

He looked into this pair of eyes nearly every day of his life; he knew every speck of gold and green that appeared in them over the years, searching in them as often as he did for the answers he needed at times. But never once they looked like this. Like they are not his at all.

“Please, Jesse. I might be unable to keep Genji from pain but I can do it for you .”

He nodded, defeated. “If yer sure then.”

“I am. I would see you happy and healthy when we get to back to our own bodies. Our competition will be much more interesting without a handicap on your side.”

Jesse let out an indignant squawk. “Oh yer just full of yourself, ain'tcha, Shimada?”

Hanzo arched an eyebrow at him. “I believe you are the one who is full of myself at the moment.”

The groan was heartfelt, and it was only because of Hanzo was still intertwined with his dragons that Jesse didn’t chuck a pillow at him.

The archer was still chuckling at his own god-awful joke when Jesse spoke again.

“Hey, Han?”

“Yes?”

“Thank ya.”

Hanzo smiled at him. “You are welcome. But there is no need for thanks, now or later.”

“I mean, fer always having ma back.” He reached towards the archer’s hands just to stop himself a foot away. He did not fully expect the man to close the distance and intertwine their fingers. Knuckles brushing against knuckles, warm skin against his colder one. Hanzo’s fingers are always cold , Jesse thought. I guess I’ll always have to be there to warm them up.

The thought came out of nowhere, yet it felt like it was always there. Flickering in the back of his mind.

Well, damn.

“Hey Han?” he asked again. The archer humming, thumb brushing over Jesse’s index finger. “When we have our bodies back, wouldya like to grab some tea and cake with me?”

The finger stilled for a second, two, three; then it started to move again. There was a softness to his voice Jesse never heard in all his days.

“I would like that very much.”

[flatsuke]

Thoughts on Eisuke’s Season 4

Hands down, S4 has to be my favorite of all the Main Stories. In my opinion, it revealed so much about both MC and Eisuke, moreso than it did in any other story. Though I may have complaints about his S4 plot-wise, I have only good things to say about this story character-wise.

Disclaimer:

This is, in no way, a formal analysis. Rather, this is a compilation of thoughts and ramblings I’ve had about Eisuke’s S4. I apologize in advance if the organization is a bit wonky.

This is all my personal opinion, and you are not obligated to agree with me. In fact, feel free to comment your thoughts because I’d like to hear them if you have any differing ideas.

This is a long post with a lot of pictures.

There are going to be a ton of spoilers, so proceed at your own discretion.

Without further ado, let’s begin!

Thank you so much to @yoosungshoodie for talking with me every 1am about Eisuke insights :’)

@maidofstars @bolt8826 @kiserusmoke @tsundere-eevee @snarkymc @hobo4lyfe11 this might be relevant to your interests :^)

First off, I’d like to tackle a theme that appears throughout the game, but most evidently in his S4—namely:

MC’s severely low self-esteem

Throughout the game, MC’s internal monologue teeters from modest to downright self-deprecating. Being surrounded by such powerful men in a glitzy world full pomp and luxury understandably takes a toll on a person. However, I feel as if though MC in Eisuke’s routes suffers from this the most. Eisuke is a larger-than-life character who is set up to be the best at everything—be it appearance, career, intelligence, or ability. Compared to MC, who is constantly pegged by others (and herself) as “ordinary” and “plain”, she can’t help but feel she isn’t enough for him.

His S4 is peppered with these thoughts:

The most ironic (and sad) part of it all is that a lot of her self-loathing and self-sacrificial nature comes from her sheer love and devotion to Eisuke. In this scene, MC goes to Eisuke after putting up an item for auction (in order to raise bail money for Eisuke) and failing to make any profit from it.

In this scene, MC feels guilty that she and Eisuke nearly got caught by the police because she was too nervous to keep her composure in front of them. Eisuke’s quick-thinking saved them, but she still felt terrible about it.

In short, MC doesn’t feel she’s good enough a partner for Eisuke. What makes this even more ironic is that in the route right before this story (Scattered Cards), MC also struggled to be viewed as an equal to Eisuke.

Still, how does Eisuke feel about all this?

Eisuke in regards to MC’s self-esteem

Now, Eisuke is a confident person. He’s self-assured in almost everything he does, and he’s the quintessential embodiment of a self-made man. That being said, he also wants MC to feel the same way about herself. He wants her to be happy with who she is not just because they’re a couple, but also because he’s happy with who she is.

So when she puts herself down several times, Eisuke doesn’t only upset, he gets furious.

In the scene below, MC asks Eisuke if she’s a burden and suggests that she be left behind for so that he won’t get caught by the police due to her (perceived) uselessness. He becomes utterly livid at the mere suggestion.

Simply put, Eisuke does not find her lack of self-esteem endearing or charming. He loves and admires so much that the idea of anyone putting her down immediately enrages him—even if MC herself is the culprit. Eisuke wants to MC to value herself more, to be more selfish, and to love herself just as much as he loves her. Hell, he loves her so much that he would do anything for her—be it making it snow on a clear day or funding a date in outer space all because she commented about it in passing!

He acknowledges that, objectively, MC isn’t perfect. She’s naïve, she has impulsive tendencies, she can be a horrible judge of character, and she doesn’t have too much foresight. But even then, he loves her just the way she is.

Tl;dr Eisuke needs her, flaws and all. And whenever she belittles herself, he’s hurt because why can’t she see how much she means to him?

“I will never leave your side.”

This is the promise MC utters time and time again to Eisuke in his stories.

Taking Eisuke’s past into account, he was separated from his family at a young age and grew up in a cutthroat world where people were used and thrown away. Because of that, he had no concept of permanence or attachment when it came to people—at least, until MC comes into his life.

That’s why he’s so fixated with the idea of MC staying with him. Crass and tactless as it may be, whenever he says things like “you’re mine” or “you belong to me,” he’s actually trying to reassure himself that MC won’t leave him because everything and everyone before her never stayed. Eisuke isn’t easy to love, and he knows that better than anyone. But MC stayed with him despite all that.

So when Eisuke finds out MC is kidnapped and thrown in the middle of the ocean, he genuinely, visibly panics for the first time in KBTBB history.

Even after the bidders rescue her, Eisuke’s still shaken by the whole thing. When they make love in the bathroom, MC notes that Eisuke looks more desperate than usual. He, on the other hand, is still wrestling with the fact that MC almost died in his arms just a few hours ago.

When Eisuke asks MC to make a choice between their engagement and his life, MC (true to her nature) chooses his life. Eisuke’s distraught that she picked one of them instead of choosing both. The idea of MC not being in his life scares him, and, once again, he’s devastated that MC won’t understand that if she isn’t his life, then nothing would matter to him anymore.

He constantly needs reassurance that MC will be there to stay—which is why I think the last scene of his Engagement Cruise was beautifully appropriate to end the whole story.

S4’s recurring motif

If Eisuke’s Proposal was about family and his Scattered Cards about trust, then his Engagement Cruise is all about devotion.

In this story, we get to see just how much and to what extent Eisuke and MC love each other. MC was willing to put up an item for auction despite hating the auctions in order to possibly help Eisuke be freed from house arrest and police custody. Repeatedly throughout the route, she put Eisuke before herself in every decision (including hypothetical decisions) she made, even at the cost of her life. Eisuke, on the other hand, constantly tried to keep her safe from the people that targeted him, absolutely abhorred that she belittled herself for his sake, and did everything to save her when she nearly lost her life drowning.

Tl;dr His S4 is about how these two love each other so much it almost hurts.

Eisuke and MC aren’t perfect characters by any means, but the way their relationship and character develops in the narrative amazed me so much that I just had to make a post about it. If you ever feel like trying his S4, I highly recommend it! Thank you for reading this and I hope you like it :D!