#it's about working out boundaries together so we're not just exchanging harm

[onemattwolf]

just. losing it a bit. but too exhausted to let it happen all the way.

Stressful and long doc appointment. Shit going down with a friend, who's refusing to work with me to make it any better. He's going through some shit, I know. But so have I. there's no communication, he just avoids me. which is really triggering for me. Also, I can offer moral support even while I'm struggling myself, I know what my limits are. I keep trying to get him aware of that. But because it's not something he feels able to do himself, (he hasn't even given me a "that's rough, buddy. just *zero* acknowledgment that my health has been deteriorating), his alternative is to just not tell me *anything* going on with him. And, I know he feels like that's kinder, so I feel mean to tell me that it's not. Like, I don't need support that he can't give, but getting avoided *hurts.* There are many, many alternatives! I grew up with friends who's lives were as fucked as mine. we learnt balance around how to alternate care with taking care of ourselves.

He's the only friend I've had who just *refuses* to work on something like this, at all. Or, he refuses to admit that he's refusing, as the admittance of that feels too stressful for him.

All I'm asking is just a *little* bit of stress, that'll last an hour, tops. Then it'll stop being stressful, for both of us! Trying to figure this out solo with no help, being asked to wait for an indeterminate amount of time (which is autism kryptonite), makes me feel like I'm in a row boat with only one paddle. I'm going in circles and I'm feeling completely out of control. I just need a bit of guidance, some ground rules we work on together so we can circumvent eachother's harm. But he won't even do that!

I know my hormonal issues right now are making this worse than it is. But, that doesn't mean that the pain this situation is creating isn't real. At the *very* least he's been able to acknowledge that.

But therein lies the problem! The real reason he's been avoidant (and having a bunch of shit going wrong in his life rn too gives him a very convenient shield, as i know as well as he does that this would be going down in a very similar way regardless), is that he's been through a very friend situation like this before, but in my position. The more he understands where I'm coming from and the hurt I'm feeling, the more he's emphasizing, which is triggering him.

Esp as, from what I can gather, that friend placed *all* the blame on him, which he took without question as he's genuinely a nice guy who hates hurting his friends. Then he was completely cut off. It didn't get any kind of resolved for over a year, and he was emotionally fucked that whole time. And it sounds like even when it was "resolved," it was just him completely taking the blame so things would be "fixed." And it's like, buddy. I've been there. i've been in that situation, almost word for word, at least twice now.

But, for the third time that happened, it actually worked out. It was fixed in a very genuine way, and compassionately worked out, where we understood eachother's perspectives and realized there was no true person here being the "problem." And because it worked out so well, it's why I'm trying, because I know it's possible and I know how to avoid the usual pitfalls now.

I don't know how to get him to believe that I won't let that repeat, for either of us. My new tactic has been to be as comforting and communicative as I can, reaffirming that it's not his fault and, sometimes these things happen. All that's really going down is that we're going through our own shit and have conflicting social and emotional needs, so we've been exchanging harm and not help.

But he's so. fucking. dense! it's not getting through to him. I even told him that it's absolutely ok to tell me that he rather I not message to a certain date, and i'll respect that as a firm boundary. But i guess because he's never had someone offer that genuinely, he won't even take me up on it. So I message, even just a meme, he gets stressed, and mutes me. Or hides my activity status (which removes my ability to see his). That really stresses me out, as seeing his "seen at [blank]" is comforting for me, as I know he's still out there, but will get back to me when he can. i don't know when i'm muted or achieved, all i'm left with is a sudden, unexplained, drop in communication, which is really triggering for me due to my own past with shitty friends.

He finally managed to tell me what's up, why he's not talking rn. but he was obv freaked out doing so, like he expected me to tear him a new one. But all i gave him was a very genuine "thank you for being clear." As now I know to go out elsewhere, and can work on figuring out how to get my own solace for the situation solo. At the end of the day I'm a realistic person. If I know why something happens, I don't sit with disappointment. But because *he's* not like that, and he relates too hard to my RSD and is implementing things that help his, but fuck mine, thinking it's gonna help me too... god i dunno what to do.

He did confirm when we can do a call, including a back up time incase things are still too stressful. And I really did appreciate that concession to my own social/emotional needs.

But as soon as asked him with a direct question on what he needs from me to alleviate his stress, in terms of the stress I've been contributing too, which could 100% asking me not too message for awhile. He fucking proverbially ran off again. fuck a duck. At *least* because I can fully understand his side now and where he's coming from, I can let go of the self-blame spiral I was shoved into. But now I just feel annoyed at him and tired. Understanding why someone does what they do, and even having true empathy for their life and experiences, doesn't mean you have to take all the hurt they may give me. It's something I've had to learn with my family, and what I'm working through with my trauma therapist.

But it's not my job to force him into different behaviours, even if I think it'll be healthier for him, and us, as that wouldn't be acknowledging that he's a different person with unique experiences. It's why HATE the "I can fix him" meme. Like, what narcissism is that, to think we know someone SO well, and what their life experiences are when we're not there, and what goes on in their heads, and that just because we feel more stable than we see them, it's somehow our "responsibility" to "fix" another person. I know it's a meme, but it's a very real phenomenon among romantic couples especially. And do you know what I see it so often boils down to?? Self avoidance and projection, baby~! Partner one is floundering in their own life but working through it is too hard. They're good at acting that they're on top of everything so people in their life don't question it (or offer needed support). It doesn't change the fact that they're *still* floundering, so they latch on to a person that's also floundering, but is more obvious about it. They throw themselves into "fixing" their partners life, usually doing it irrelevantly because they're actually pushing on them the tools needed to fix *their own* life, and get increasingly frustrated and controlling when it's "for some reason" not "fixing" them. Meanwhile, if they just admitted to their own shitty life, all that time and energy could have been directed where'd it be actually useful and relevant.

rant aside, as that probably could be it's own tumblr post, my point is that, something's gotta give, man.

[telecloud-blog]

Ars Technica's Christmas wishes for 2011 We're sitting tight for a visit from carefree old Saint Nick at the Ars Orbiting HQ.

It's Christmas Eve at the Ars Orbiting HQ, and our leggings have been hung by the stack with mind. As we plan to nod off with dreams of contraptions moving in our mind, we'll abandon you with our Christmas wishes for 2011.

John Timmer, Science Editor

My desire is that general society would find out about what researchers think. This isn't a "get the actualities right" issue, albeit most likely it would be better if a greater amount of general society realized that it takes a year for the Earth to finish a pivot around the sun. Rather, this is about the master plan things, as whether life is connected by regular drop and whether carbon dioxide can change the atmosphere.

Studies on both these things show that mainstream researchers supposes we have these things basically dealt with. An association like the American Association for the Advancement of Science has numerous nonscientists among its individuals, yet surveys utilizing its enrollment list demonstrate that well more than 80 percent of them acknowledge both of these conclusions. Looking over dynamic scientists in the field tends to push those numbers securely over 95 percent acknowledgment.

However, to the general population, both of these are to a great degree dubious issues. Also, it's not quite recently that people in general conceives that the science itself is disputable, or perceives that the discussion is entirely disproportionate. Rather, it supposes the established researchers is vigorously separated, and that no accord has been come to by any stretch of the imagination. In this way, my desire would be that general society gets a more exact picture of where established researchers stands, with the goal that it can concentrate on the social, monetary, and strategy debates that emerge out of some moderately uncontroversial science.

Nate Anderson, Senior Editor

Right now, our family unit has four gadgets with a 3G remote radio: an iPhone, a Kindle, a Chrome OS Cr-48 portable PC, and a Novatel ExpressCard cell modem (numerous families will have significantly more). The Kindle's information benefit is free, paid for by Amazon, however alternate gadgets would all be able to utilize customer information designs—yet they each need a different arrangement and a different installment. Indeed, even the Cr-48 and the ExpressCard, which both utilize the Verizon organize, can't pool their information, while AT&T broadly declines to give my portable workstation a chance to match up with my iPhone unless I pay more cash.

My fantasy for 2011 is to see these boundaries disintegrate. I need to get one bundle of information, at that point utilize it from a telephone, a portable PC, a tablet—my decision, insofar as I keep it underneath the settled upon share. Versatile information designs ought to be connected to clients, not gadgets. It works along these lines in wireline; how about we complete it in remote too.

Eric Bangeman, Managing Editor

2010 has been a fabulous year for tablets. The iPad touched base to much ballyhoo back in April, and as the year attracted to an end, Android tablets—both great and awful—and tablets started to hit the market in bigger numbers.

2011 holds the guarantee of significantly more tablet goodness: an updated iPad (ideally with Retina Display), more develop Android tablets, RIM's PlayBook, some webOS goodness from HP, and perhaps a Windows (or Windows Phone 7) slate or two.

Indeed, even the Barnes and Noble Nook Color Android-based tablet feels somewhat substantial when contrasted with the Kindle. What's more, the iPad is even heavier. A significant number of us cherish perusing on our tablets, yet they get substantial after momentarily. My desire is that producers will discover approaches to shave off some weight and thickness from their tablets and digital book perusers. The pattern in gadgets has for quite some time been lighter, speedier, and more slender, so this is one Christmas wish that is probably going to materialize in 2011.

Chris Foresman, Contributing Writer

2010 achieved layered information gets ready for cell phones. Since versatile transporters are charging us for every byte of information, I might want to see 2011 bring us "move over" information.

Specifically, AT&T advertisements have frequently bragged that remote voice call minutes are "our own" in light of the fact that we "paid for them." The idea is straightforward, which is the reason most clients can without much of a stretch see the upside of the strategy.

I see no motivation behind why precisely the same shouldn't likewise apply to information. I'm not an especially overwhelming information client, so I pay $15 every month to get 200MB of information exchange from AT&T—a rate of 15¢ for each megabyte. By and large, I use around 100MB of this allocation, so I'm just utilizing half of what I pay for. The "additional" 100MB I've paid for, at a genuinely costly premium, successfully goes to squander. Or, on the other hand, from AT&T's perspective, that is an additional $7.50 of administrations they got paid for that they didn't need to give.

When I travel far from home, however, I tend to utilize substantially more information than normal, since I'm not around a dependable WiFi source throughout the day. It is incredible to amass the unused distribution to use amid these outings, similarly as unused voice minutes get spent for the incidental two-hour talk with a companion that lives a few states away.

I don't especially mind paying per bit, figuratively speaking, yet I do wish portable transporters would give their clients every one of the bits that they pay for.

Dwindle Bright, Microsoft Contributor

One thing I might want to see, essentially on the grounds that it would be extremely helpful for me, is for US cell administrators to offer estimating focused with what I can get in the UK. In the UK, for £10/month, I can get boundless writings, "boundless" information, and 250 minutes, on a SIM-just, pay-as-you-go design. That is around fifteen bucks every month. Goodness, and in the UK we don't pay for inbound minutes, either.

I might want to see Microsoft discharge Internet Explorer 9 in March, and a beta for Internet Explorer 10 before the year's over—the organization ought to be going for one form a year. The advance the organization has made on Internet Explorer has been striking, and I think if the organization can keep up that force, it will be incredible news for the Web all in all. Web Explorer is harming the Web, however it's not Internet Explorer 8 that is doing the mischief; it's kin staying with the woefully out of date Internet Explorer 6. Microsoft changing to an arrangement of more standard, more forceful updates would, I think, go far towards keeping that same issue from repeating later on.

I might want the media to get reasonable about tablets, and the iPad specifically. The iPad might be a sufficiently slick bit of equipment, however despite everything it speaks to a minor part of the registering scene, and it's most likely going to be a while before that truly changes. On that note, I need Microsoft to recognize its tablet issues. The organization has effectively done it once, in cell phones, and the outcome is Windows Phone 7—to my psyche, it's the main cell phone working framework that is really intended for the way individuals utilize their telephone. Microsoft has made an incredible showing with regards to. So quit treating us like dolts. Quit imagining that Windows 7 meets expectations as a tablet working framework. We know it doesn't. Where it counts, you know it doesn't. What's more, we realize that you know it doesn't. So we should simply stop the falsification.

Talking about Windows Phone 7: I trust that somebody will offer me an opened pentaband handset with an AMOLED screen. Try not to make me pick between EU frequencies, AT&T frequencies, and T-Mobile frequencies. Give me them all. We know you can: the Nokia N8 oversees it. So plan it and pitch it to me. If it's not too much trouble

Casey Johnston, Contributing Writer

My desire for 2011 is for some researcher or physicist to get a 8-qubit quantum PC up and running. Given that we've seen inquire about papers on the controls of various qubits previously, a working model can't be distant; a dependable one may be all the more a scope however.

I've perused about, and begrudged, the beginning of established PCs, when the future natives of software engineering sat around together in cellars and scholarly structures, stopping parts together and seeing who could locate the most productive and fascinating employments of the PCs' unassuming assets.

Getting to a similar stage with quantum PCs would be a colossal stride, as scientists are as yet battling with the issue of intensifying, and lower limits, of vulnerability as the quantity of qubits is expanded. In the event that it could be made to work however, other than being valuable for recording quantum states and tutoring great PCs in probabilistic figurings, I wager you could keep in touch with one mean 8-bit amusement for it. On the off chance that Frogger were in a superposition of states, he could be hit by the majority of the autos and none of the autos in the meantime. Simply saying.

Ryan Paul, Open Source Editor

My Christmas wish for 2011 is a genuinely aggressive and open MeeGo-based telephone from a noteworthy merchant. In spite of the fact that Linux has increased extensive footing in the portable and implanted market, the vast majority of the accessible gadgets are secured or have isolated programming stacks that don't enable the client to exploit the stage's actual fundamental power.

MeeGo can possibly be a distinct advantage since it is firmly lined up with the upstream innovation biological community and gives application engineers essentially greater adaptability, including a rich, superior local toolbox. It could convey genuinely necessary rivalry to the Linux cell phone space by offering a solid contrasting option to Google's brilliant Android stage.

In spite of the fact that MeeGo has impressive potential, the stage is as yet a work in advance and none of the significant equipment organizations behind it have possessed the capacity to unite every one of the pieces into a convincing item yet. I'm trusting that 2011 is the year that Nokia or one of the other major MeeGo partners will at last convey MeeGo on an alluring handset.