#it's about our graduation organization and no one gives the tiniest fuck

[its-me-your-fangirl]

I want my college colleagues to all go fuck themselves. Damn it, I do all the work, I take the time to organize stuff, I explain things very cleary, give all the instructions and they simply don’t take the time to read the posts I make with everything practically done, they just have to fill in some blanks. It’s something that concerns them as well, and then they come with cheap excuses, when everything was there all along. I’m tired as hell, my mental health is not going well, and I keep trying to make everything better for everyone, while tiring myself in the process, for people to ignore me.

Go all to hell.

[middayreads-blog]

Mixtapes

I tap my fingers at my classroom desk, trying to tick off time as our professor talks about microbes like archaea, algae, protozoa and many more I have no interest about. I already know what those are, to begin with. So, I must deal with the boredom of letting this professor lecture us. Of course, out of respect too.

I am Liam, a 20-year-old BS Biology student. Not to brag but I am a prodigy… that is what my mom says all the time. But, you know, I think, maybe not. I am not a prodigy. I only have Highly Superior Autobiographical Memory, a neurological disorder which leads people to be able to remember much more than the average person. Individuals with HSAM have a superior ability to recall specific details of autobiographical events, tend to spend a large amount of time thinking about their past and have a detailed understanding of the calendar and its patterns. Oh god, even explaining it is already exhausting.

I don’t like having one, truth be told. I don’t need this if having it means feeling like an outcast.

Having this illness means remembering even the tiniest details from several years ago. If someone would mention an event from my childhood, I’d casually say, ‘Oh that was Monday, 18th of July, and I was wearing a red shirt and corduroy pants.’

That’s how it works.

And it’s fucking draining.

People say it’s a gift. Of course, they’d say that. They aren’t even the ones dealing with this shit.

People tend to think I don’t have anything missing inside of me because they all assume that I am the whole goddamn puzzle per se. A perfect man who has a perfect memory. Wrong. At some point, right. I used to think highly of myself. I was always one step ahead of everybody. I liked that. I mean, who wouldn’t? But not anymore. I am done with that phase.

I hardly understand the question when my professor calls me out, “Earth to Mr. Alonzo.” He says firmly.

“I’m sorry, what?” I ask. My stomach churns.

“Why do you think bacterial endospores are a problem in the hospital environment?”

I sigh before I answer, “Because they are highly resistant bacteria. Endospores can cause illness in those with already compromised immune systems in the hospital.”

“Right… But, Mr. Alonzo, can we focus here, please? You have a gift, we know, but can you still please listen?” He says with a sympathetic smile, looking at me for a couple of seconds before breaking away.

I hear from a distance, “Of course, he knows the answer. Mister-know-it-all.”

And on my right, “Ha, if he thinks he’s a genius, he doesn’t need to rub it in our faces. He could at least pretend he’s not dying from boredom. Not everyone is as blessed as he is.”

I try so hard not to scratch my head. My knuckles turn white as I hold my pen a whole lot tighter this time. I’m worried it might snap in two.

If my mom didn’t raise me right, I might actually beat the fuck out of these withering brain humans.

I massage my temple, desperately trying to ease my throbbing headache. If I didn’t know better, I’m already slashing out this building, having a good time with her.

Mia. I miss her terribly. Our second anniversary is today and I can’t wait to finally see her.

3:31pm, September 24, 2016, it was after my classes and I was wearing my PE uniform along with my beat-up converse. I took a glance on my wristwatch and realized I was an hour early for our date. This is it, I’m going to ask her. That was the only thought that kept bombarding my mind.

We were dating for 8 months already. I knew I was the one who made a deal for us to keep everything unofficial and lowkey until our graduation day; to focus on our study first. But I couldn’t resist it anymore. Combination of worry and regret were about to eat me alive if I still wouldn’t ask her to be mine. I couldn’t let her slip away from my hands.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called her,

“Hi?” I asked, it came out like a question. I was terribly nervous; I began to gnaw the inside of my cheeks.

“Hey, weirdo.” She said. I could hear the smile in her voice.

“I’m here at the gazebo. I’m… uh… sorry… Haha.” What the fuck, Liam?

“You, okay?” she asked.

“Ah, no, yes. I’m okay. I’m just gonna wait for you here.”

“You’re way too early. Do you want me to ditch this class? I could. Just say so.” She said.

“No! I’m okay, Mia. No need to rush. I’m willing to wait. I’m just the one who’s really excited for this… to see you, I mean.” I hoped to God she didn’t sense my plan behind my words.

“Oh, okay. See you later, then?”

“Can’t wait.” I said then dropped the call.

I inhaled sharply and practiced my line repeatedly in my head: Can you be mine? I scratched my scalp so badly. I found the question so cheesy, I couldn’t. 

But it was not like she was going to reject me. I knew she loved me, I was confident enough to know that. It’s just that, I was pretty nervous of what would be the outcome of my sappy little speech. 

                                                  **********

“Are you kidding me?!” she blurted out.

“Apparently not.” I smiled sheepishly. I could feel the blood running up to my face. 

“I thought you wanted us to be lowkey?” 

“Screw it.” was the only thing I said. 

She threw hear head and cracked out a good loud laugh. 

“You are so adorable, you know that?” she said looking in my eyes. No. She was looking through my eyes. She had this way of looking into me that felt like crushing my soul in a good habit-forming way. 

“Hmm... Is that a yes?” I asked.

“Well then,” she cupped my face with her hands and kissed my forehead, “screw it, indeed.”

I hugged her tight I thought I was going to break her bones, but she didn’t complain, she just hugged me back and kissed my lips long enough for the tears to came out of my eyes.

I snap back to reality when I hear the bell.

“Man, where are you up to? Denver’s at 6? He’s holding up a party.” says Wes.

“Nah, man. I’m off to visit Mia.” I know by saying her name, Wes will drop the topic.

“Oh, sure, man. Maybe next time then.” he says then offers a fist bump.

I smile to myself knowing I can easily escape errands when I say Mia’s name. She’s the magic word.

I walk and run my way to my car, excited to see her again after how many days. As I get inside my camaro, I reach for the mixtape she made me when we were still dating. I will never forget how many sleepless nights she endured just so she could juggle between reviewing for her exams and making these mixtapes for me. 

For Emma by Bon Iver plays, and it greatly reminds me of her.

“Mom will be psyched!” she said looking at our intertwined hands, grinning.

“I know. She loves me.” I said and he slapped my shoulders lightly.

“I can’t wait to go home and tell everyone that my best friend is now my boyfriend. Damn, that sounds cliche, isn’t it?” 

I laughed, “Know what? I don’t care. If only I could shout and let the whole world know that you’re already mine, I would.”

“Huh, really? Then do it.” she said, challenging me.

I lift my chin and began shouting but her hands covered my mouth just in time. 

We were giggling too much, kissing and staring at each other a lot. I never wanted the day to end. I never wanted to let go of her warm, soft hands.

The 12th song comes in-- The Wisp Sings by Winter Aid-- the moment I stop the car in front of her home.

I am now here. 

I am finally seeing her. 

The only face I need to see, to feel, to savor. 

I don’t stop, I don’t knock. 

I just continue walking until I close the proximity between us. 

She’s there.

Peacefully sleeping. 

Possibly dreaming.

I sit beside her and put the fresh flowers in exchange of the withered ones.

“How are you, my love?” I ask, hugging my knees, “I miss you terribly. Everyday. Not a single day I have not thought of you. Please come back home.”

I brush my fingers on her name on the tombstone, hoping she can feel the needing and longing I have. Her name is getting old on the marble, fading away like she was beneath the ground long ago. 

Anger and melancholy are like fists punching my chest repeatedly while I am imprisoned by darkness. I am darkness, she is light. She’s gone, so what am I now? 

“How did this happen? I was just... We were just... Oh god!” I exclaimed as I was holding Mia’s bruised hands. 

“It was so quick, Liam. It was so--” Mia’s mom voice cracked before she could even finish the sentence. Her words turned into a muffle of sobs.

I want to know what happened but everyone was so devastated they didn’t know how to explain details to me.

I took a glance at Mia. Still alive but barely. I could see her chest slowly rising and falling while her eyes were closed firmly. Wires were connected to her body. The drips from the IV seemed to drop down so quickly. All the background noise vanished, all I could hear were the beeping of the monitors.

She was brain dead.

One click from her life-support and it would be her end. One pull of wire would be her death.

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” the doctor said sympathetically, “you understand that Mia is brain dead now and she’s only breathing because of the life support connected to her. You need to decide. We will give you the time in the world, no need to rush.” 

I hated it. I hated it when doctors do that. Their voices were so sympathetic but calm at the same time. Like they understand what you are going through but you can still hear the formality on the way they speak. Like everything’s already rehearsed. They say they’re sorry but it’s all just an act they do repeatedly in time with their other unfortunate patients.

Mia’s dad held her wife, he was trying so hard not to stifle a cry. Acting all strong despite the heartbreak and loss. While here I was at the corner of this goddamn hospital room, afraid to went near her, because even if I was seeing the beating of her chest, I knew was no longer here, she was gone from our lives already. So near, yet so far.

                                                *****************

Not long enough, her family decided to donate her good organs- those that didn’t suffer from internal bleeding or were wrecked by the incident. From eyes to lungs to liver, it was all donated. It was Mia’s will, so they respected it. 

It took the authority 2 weeks before they caught the driver who hit her. It was an accident, the road was slippery, she happened to be at the exact place where the bus crashed. A couple of people died, a lot suffered from concussion, Mia was just one of the many.

It still felt like a weird bizarre dream. Like what had happened was just a mistake. A big fat joke under clouds of nightmares.

Maybe she didn’t really want to leave me, she were just hapless.

I let out a silent prayer. 

Mia, 

I will always remember every bits of the day you said yes to me-- the clothes you were wearing, the shade of the blush on you had on her face, the style of your hair, your perfume, the way you looked at me, your big warm smile, your too tight hug... everything. And for the first time in my life, I thought I would be thankful for the gift of never forgetting. Because I would never want to forget that moment. 

But now, these memories are all I have. Painful, harsh and impossible to forget.

I’m sorry, my love, but I need to go. I love you with all of my heart and I’m sorry that what we once had happened in just a short span of time. But please know that  despite that, I cherished every second of it. You leave parts of you in everything I do and I will always going to be thankful.

I miss you. Every waking day, every sleeping night. You used to be the reason why sunsets were beautiful and why rains were bearable. You used to be the most explicit thing in this befallen world of mine. You gave me happiness I never thought a single human could possibly give. You sparked joy in me.

I’m sorry but I need to keep walking.

Good night, my love. 

Sleep tight.

I finally get up and walked away from her, because that’s what I need to do. I need to leave her or else I’m going to be one who will get stuck in the past. I need to let go of the memories, little by little.

I shoot my keys and start my car. Two by Sleeping At Last instantly plays.

Funny how sometimes we would measure the length of our ride by songs- how many artists would sing if we take this road or the shorter route. Now, no matter how many songs I play, I know Mia’s not coming back. But I gotta do it. Whatever it takes, I need to keep living. I want to be with her, but first, I need to keep playing the songs.

                                                       EPILOGUE:

“Breathe in, breathe out.” I say to the lady in front of me, as I listen to the beat of her heart through my stethoscope.

“Is it normal, doc? I’ve been stressing out lately and I think it isn’t doing any good to my heart.” she says.

“Of course, stress is one of the major contributing factors that causes a healthy body to falters. So, I advice you to take it slow and relax, okay? Especially in your case. You’ve had cardiac transplant. You need to take care of that.” I explained.

“Yes, I need to take care of this. Or Mia will be pissed.”

“Who?” it comes out as a surprise.

The lady looks at me and say, “My heart donor.”

[helianthuse]

beyond tired of this one dude in my cohort. i liked him at first & considered him a friend; we’re both active in RSJ organizing; he seemed like he was on the ball. but now it’s clear that he only has 2 modes: “serious academic” and “fuck you.” and “fuck you” mode is this insipid mix of blatant disrespect, incredibly fucking obnoxious too cool for school apathy, and contempt.  there are moments when he’s a team player, when he strikes up thoughtful conversation, when he gives sincere compliments, etc etc. at other times, he won’t give you the tiniest fucking crumb. it’s a long story, but my grade actually took a hit today because he refused to acknowledge my leadership role within our class & actively undermined me in front of our entire cohort and two of my professors. i do think it reflected worse on him than on me, but i felt humiliated. just fucking play along! fine with me if this jackass doesn’t care about his grade (although it’s a little odd, to pay so much $$$ for not one but two graduate degrees and then be like “fuck it, this is beneath me”), but to leave a colleague hanging? come on. it’s unsettling as all hell to occasionally receive friendliness & basic decency from this guy--who, like so many dudes i know, will cheerfully demand affection & attention when it suits him--and then find yourself talking to a hostile brick wall instead. suffice it to say i no longer invite him to my weekly game night.