#it's a patience game because he's not ready for something healthy and I'm not about to get into drama 👋

[keefwho]

September 02 - 2024 Monday

10:30pm

6/10

Today went by kind of quickly, I basically jumped from one project to another and didn't really stop aside from my normal breaks. I watched some more of that wolf show this morning and Summer Camp Island. I wish I could put more focus into it though. Something I did notice about today is how easily I can get into this cycle of work where I burn myself out and it's simply because I'm trying to do too many things at once in my head and not taking even small meaningful breaks. I think I've attuned myself to this kind of behavior and it is not healthy or efficient so I've been trying to think of ways to improve. I think even 10 minutes of whimsical focus on my funny little cartoon would be great for me.

I had to sketch a lot of commissions today which was a lot of reading/thinking and less drawing which is stressful when I do it on stream because there are big chunks of time where I am doing nothing on screen. It didn't help that I didn't wear my avatar today since I was tired and didn't wanna deal with it. Speaking of tired, I really had to push through my small workout this morning because of that and I did not clean anything. RS joined the stream this morning while he waited for PZ to get to his house. We chatted a good bit and even got some basic plans in the works that I'm kind of interested in. He got me intrigued to do work for TDS again except this time I'd insist I'm paid properly and I'd work at a reasonable pace. This could be the extra income I want to make for MFF in december. I had meant to take a nap before lunch but I didn't have time.

Lunch was weird because I didn't have an appetite but I was hungry. I made soup and I put garlic in it which was a mistake but I still ate it. I also had crackers with cheese and a couple with jam.

I think I did decent on today's request and I finished a personal drawing of mine. I'm not too proud of how it came out and the numbers reflect how mid it is, it wasn't a very good composition or anything. It has flaws I've been repeating lately regarding how I do limbs and how I organize the foreground objects. I didn't put in the patience I should have. After that I worked on DS's Adora avatar getting it rigged up all nice and tidy in the up to date Unity project I have for her avatars. I was freaking out trying to make sure I didn't screw up any of the animations and toggled because there were so many things connected but I ended up doing it flawlessly and I am very proud. I also added a couple of little things I think she'll like. I was in BR's discord while I worked but I shouldn't have been. I knew I could have used some alone time to decompress and focus but I also haven't been in there for awhile so my obligation to catch up with them defeated my self preservation. When I was done working I played this worm game with them which they were doing for someone's birthday whom I do not know. Then I left to search for avatar hairstyles with DS. We found a few decent ones but we still gotta search more before I'm ready to put them on her.

How I felt tonight highlighted one of the subtle issues I face regularly. I'm not enjoying myself as much as I think I should. I'm moreso in a state of stress during almost anything. It's not severe to be like "hey I'm stressed" but it very slowly whittles me down. I think mindfulness could have helped with it but tonight I'm only mindful after the fact. I feel like anything could be the "break" I need if only I can do it right. It's more of a mindset thing than an activity thing. I also want to figure out how I can get myself some more of that me time I want without having to do something extreme like isolate for 2 days in VRchat. It's hard to do it in small doses I'm finding. With VR, especially on the first day, it was easy because I knew this was all I had to do so there was nothing else to think about or look forward to. How do I operate like that in a shorter time span with stuff around every corner?

I want to check in with my friends tomorrow I think. Maybe I could make some kind of little perspective taking exercise out of it. Just gotta figure out how.

[myckicade]

This is my response to an ongoing conversation. ( @motleystitches and @tikxy have some fabulous insights! ). I'm posting this portion on its own, as well, because... Well, why not, indeed?

To quote the beginning of @motleystitches' response:

This is incredibly interesting, because it leads me to thinking that perhaps Lestat never intended to be in this deep with Louis at all. He didn’t realise what he was getting into when he started the whole hunt-for-a-companion. He knew the “play” of romance, so that’s what he did with his grand gestures etc, but it all comes back to bite him, so to speak and he didn’t like it at all.

Mmmm, precisely. He intended to play the game, and fell head-first into, "Oh, shit." Louis feels like the biggest slap of reality that (I suspect) Lestat has had in a long time, a reminder of that which he can't control. He can kill. He can seduce. But love? Oh, no. No, love can not be kept on such a tether, not when it is him being choked by the reigns. Being Louis' maker, there is likely a pretty serious expectation of adoration from his fledgling, of love, certainly, and not necessarily with the intention of making it a two-way street (beyond those grand gestures).

The truly amusing part is that Lestat is really overthinking the problem. To use an old favourite, he's set up for a game of checkers, while Louis is ready to play chess.

I love your description of Louis as "the most human-ish vampire ever", because that is absolutely spot-on. Louis wants to be seen, to be understood. We wants something real. He isn't taken in by the superficial, and that comes across as the only card Lestat knows how to play. He can wine and dine, he can show off his wealth and status, he can be the mysterious man about town. When that fails to be what Louis needs to be happy, and it makes Louis confused and uncomfortable, there's this sense of, "...-Huh?!" Sure, Lestat eventually says he enjoys the challenge of Louis, but the novelty is quick to wear off. He's faced with it so many times, the resulting struggle to recalibrate leaves him with mental and emotional whiplash.

At some points, it really looks like he doesn't know whether he's coming or going. The argument in which Lestat screams, "This isn't a life!" strikes me, again and again. That he, Lestat, stubborn, headstrong, ever-powerful creature of the night, has been brought to tears over a situation he could have left. He's scared and hurt, stuck in the middle of a situation he doesn't seem to have encountered before, that he put himself in, and he's looking to Louis to fix it. Goodness knows he's tried and tried (and failed and failed) to make Louis happy, and Louis is the only one with the answer of how to make it work. The only one with the power to change it. He's helpless in the face of Louis' depression, and doesn't have a clue what else to try. Nights out don't work. Sex doesn't work. It's an easy thing to take personally. Unfortunately, he turns to that age-old defense: Victim Blaming. I do believe that he genuinely wants Louis to feel better, but that ego response of "Why am I not the answer?!" really, really gets in his way.

And he still has the balls to laugh in Louis' face, when Loius voices the same concern over their relationship. What a dick.

Anyway.

Lestat clearly loves Louis enough to stand beside him, and swirl down the drain with him, but he lacks the capacity for... understanding? Empathy? Patience? To continue on in silence. To some degree, I would argue that he shouldn't have to, either. Argument, within limitation, can be healthy toward working through feelings, and making one's self heard. Getting to the bottom of things, and figuring it all out. On the other side of the argument, Louis does not have to magically be better to fix the problem. I'm just being a broken record about fucking communicating.

The situation with Claudia is a repeat of the same theme, sparking the pattern I had previously mentioned. They wrap the wound (turn Claudia), forgive and forget, and move on. But, eventually, Louis' focus goes to Claudia, a stand-in (though loved) for the family he's already lost. He's once again distracted by something that isn't Lestat. He nit-picks at Lestat for his parenting choices, which, I grant you, don't look great on the surface. But, Lestat is the experienced vampire. I say again, Lestat is the experienced vampire. He knows what it will take for this girl, this fledgling of theirs to survive in the world. Every time he tries, Louis takes issue, because Louis is trying to protect Claudia from what she is. From what they made her. As with his own self-care as a vampire, he's trying to do it in halves. I think it scares him that Claudia is a killer, that she is not like him. That she will grow to resent them for what they have done to her, as opposed to for her. (And, as we've seen... Ta-da...).

But, I digress. Here's Louis, once again throwing criticism at Lestat. Resentment. Just when he thinks he's finally found the answer. After he's helped Louis to attain what he wants. After they have been doing so much better. After he's given more than he had ever intended to the man, and he's still not enough. He isn't enough to make Louis stay without Claudia. He isn't enough to make Louis happy without Claudia. Either he doesn't understand what Louis is going through, or he doesn't give a shit (which I find a little more difficult to believe), and it leaves him with a sense of inadequacy. And he looks at Claudia, and Claudia apparently holds every fucking answer that he has now spent decades trying to find. He's failed, and to a child, and part of him just seems to... give up.

Which brings me to Antoinette. Part of me thinks that, sure, Lestat runs back over to Antoinette, at whatever point, to fill the void of what he wants, but isn't getting from Louis. Someone he can please, and likely with so much ease, I can hear his ego purring from here. Someone who makes him feel wanted, and desirable, and (I'm sure) the complete opposite of helpless. The rest of me, though, also sees this affair as Lestat giving up. Said affair has gone on for all these years, and Louis obviously hasn't moved for a physical separation. The cry for attention has gone unanswered. He's tired of hunting. As you say, he recognizes himself as being in the wrong for it, because he still doesn't want to lose what they have, fucked up as it may be. It reads to me as, "Yes, I've done it. Now, are you going to fight for me? For us?"

Then, re-enter Claudia, and her attempts to take Louis away. No matter what they've been through until this point, no matter how many times Louis has threatened to end things, they are still together. They've weathered it all, for better or worse. If there has been a roadblock? Lestat has destroyed it. Quite literally, he has killed it. But, Claudia? She's a roadblock he can't go through. He can't kill Claudia. For one thing, I do believe he cares about her, much as - again - he claims he doesn't. For another, if he harms her, he will surely lose Louis for good. And, he cares about that. This isn't something he can piss on and walk away from. Louis means everything to him. Claudia is going to win, Louis is going to leave him, and Lestat has no tricks left to try. No amount of recalibration is going to fix it. He's lost, and he can't have that.

If he's going to lose anyway, he might as well become the monster he was always expected to be.

[owlsbride]

Icha Icha and Prejudice: The Book Club

Chapter III: Who the Hell are Darcy and Wickham

He pondered the gift's weight and size with his hand before opening; apparently, it wasn't to lo long. It seemed to him that Sakura was playing nice with him. She could just choose a book as long as Konoha's history, but instead, she offered him the possibility of reading what? Three or four hundred pages? Definitely, she was becoming softer, ah maturity, she was getting there, and she was doing it in the most perfect ways, suddenly, he was glad that he wasn't that old yet. Actually, he felt like he was in a great moment: young and stronger than any good active shinobi and old enough like to understand life. Yes, perfect timing, but he also reminded himself that the thing with Sakura, was just that, a thing, a flirt. A game they both enjoyed until one day it could be over. But there was no reason to worry about that right now.

Kakashi didn't tear apart the red paper immediately, he took his time to ponder it a bit more while looking for his new cellphone. He hated that devilish device. Since the telephone signals, and with them the damn internet had reached Konoha, they had turned the village into an unstoppable tide of unlimited communications that could occur in the most diverse places. If he went out for a drink with Genma, for example, the always senbon user could spend the whole night texting with girls he got online. Instead, Guy used to make videos that he posted on the internet talking about eternal youth and giving self-help advice. Naruto kept texting him, asking when he would be ready to become the next Hokage and sending pictures of Hinata and her future motherhood, or funny dog and cat jokes. And so one day, one of the most elusive members of Konoha, despite his current position, became engulfed in modernity and massive connectivity, even with the other villages and nations. Yes, he hated, but at the same time, it was an excellent way of being in touch with people without the extreme necessity of meeting them face to face.

With all that said, he also had to recognise with a smile only visible for him, that it was the funniest way of pestering Sakura around building a lovely tension between them that rocked like waves between love and hate in the most amusing ways. So he texted her.

9:30: Morning Sakura, Thank you for the gift, I didn't open it yet, But I'm the most intrigue, Who are these Darcy and Whickham?

He sent the message and waited for the answer, he patiently took a seat at his desk and started checking the foulders in front of him. Nothing seemed too important like to take care of at that moment, so he requested Shikamaru not to be bothered during the day while waiting for an answer. Rather sooner than later, he would have to start reading that book if he wanted to be the best participant of the exclusive two members book club. Sakura's response wasn't coming, the day outside was terrible, the rain didn't stop since yesterday, and it looked like it wasn't to end soon. Where would she be? Kakashi really hoped for her well, that she wasn't working, because this time he would get mad, outraged. The vacation thing had been an order, and despite his generosity, his good disposition, his humility, his patience and his weakness for Sakura, he was the Hokage, and an order was an order. After all, it was for the good of the girl who only knew how to work.

So he texted her again, putting aside his pride and how desperate he might sound. In other circumstances, he could have waited whole days for an answer. He was not one of those who lived glued to the phone, responding instantly or pending of notifications and contrary to what they might say it was not snobbery instead a kind of an unconscious aloofness. Still, considering the circumstances, it was his right to be a bit pushy.

10:15: Oi, Sakura, where are you? all ready too immerse in your lecture?

He started removing the red paper from the book. The revealed was a slow process, almost ceremonial, like undressing her... it. The book was old, not old enough like to be a relic but it wasn't a new copy. Sakura gave him her own book as he did, what was inside of it was a mystery. He was intrigued by the title: Pride and Prejudice, no image in the cover, just a silky, velvety green hardcover, with golden letters stamped on them. Kakashi flicked through the pages from beginning to end as if to get a first idea of what the book implied, but apparently, it did not reveal anything. He had to start at the beginning.

Chapter 1: It's a truth universally stated that an unmarried guy in possession of an awesome fortune should be in want of a wife. However little acknowledged the feelings or perspectives of the sort of guy can be on his first getting into a neighbourhood, this reality is so well fixed inside the minds of the encircling families, that he's considered the rightful property of someone or different in their daughters.

So the book was an apology to what? Single men? Single women? Healthy people? It wasn't what Kakashi was expecting from Sakura.

Bzzzzzt Bzzzzt Bzzzzt

10:30: H.Sakura: Sleeping Kakashi, holidays, remember?

Bzzzzzt Bzzzzt Bzzzzt

10:30 : H.Sakura: You will have to read to find out. Don't be so impatient.

10:31 H. Sakura: I haven't started yet. Why so eager in perverting my mind?

So that was all after all. Sakura was just sleeping, so much worry for nothing. Kakashi should have known better. After all, the pink-haired girl was a good girl. But the truth was that he wasn't pleased about the situation. For no reason, he was upset. First, even if she was on vacations, she could have answered earlier, why to sleep late if she didn't spend the whole night reading? Second, why didn't she start reading? And finally, what was this book she gave her without any information? She wasn't playing fair. At least Sakura had an idea of what Icha Icha was about.

10:35, What makes you think that your mind is not already perverted?

Suddenly, the texting was more interesting than Pride and Prejudice, who was left behind in less than a minute.

Bzzzzzt Bzzzzt Bzzzzt

10:38 H. Sakura: Trust me, sensei, I know my mind and is not as perverted as yours.

Kakashi laughed.

10:38: You are accepting though that even if your mind is not perverted as mine...

Bzzzzzt Bzzzzt Bzzzzt

10:39: H. Sakura: Arghhh... What do you want?

10:40: So many things...

10:40: But for starters, I would love to hear why you haven't started with your part of our exciting endeavour, then I would love you to explain to me what this book is about.

The answer didn't come fast, and Kakashi turned his view back to the book. He caressed once more the cover, and then something caught his attention. In most of the pages, there were sidenotes and underlined sentences. Did Sakura used that book at school, or was it something else? Maybe, those notes were more interesting than the story itself. He could perhaps decipher more from her than he had ever expected. Yes, he was smart after all, and he patted himself in the back for that.

Bzzzzzt Bzzzzt Bzzzzt

10:50: H. Sakura: Sensei, please, give me a break. Let me wash my face and have a cup of coffee first. Then we can discuss anything you like. I didn't start reading because I was thinking of you 10:50 H. Sakura: I mean, I was thinking what book to choose

Kakashi burst into a silent laugh.

10:51: So you are thinking about me... Imagine when you start Icha Icha...

10:52: H.Sakura: Yes, I will start thinking wich poison is the more accurate to kill a Hokage without leaving a trace.

The Hokage was so enjoying this, this silly flirting innocent game.

10:52: Yeah, tell yourself that till you believe it

10:53: Anyway, You never told me what Pride and Prejudice is about...

10:53: H.Sakura: How much have you read so far?

10:54: Two paragraph

10:54: H.Sakura: Then stop bothering me, and keep reading. Talk you later.

Kakashi finished the conversation with Sakura with her last message. He was sure they would talk again sooner than later, besides he needed to go back to his own reading.

Why, my dear, you need to know, Mrs. Long says that Netherfield is taken with the aid of a young guy of big fortune from the north of England; that he came down on Monday in a chaise and 4 to see the location, and became a lot extremely joyful with it, that he agreed with Mr. Morris immediately; that he is to take ownership before Michaelmas, and some of his servants are to be inside the residence with the aid of the end of subsequent week." "What is his call?" "Bingley."

Notes:

Another update for you all. Kakashi and Sakura are texting, for now.

Something about the write: In these messages when I don't put the name is because is the one who is texting and POV of the character, for example in this case is Kakashi's so I think there is no need to say that he is the one sending the text to Sakura, the same will happen in the next chapter but in the other way. Is it clear or I confuse you all more??

Please please please, even if I hate pleading, you know what to do.

next chapter soon, what would be inside icha icha?

[rikotin]

Hey, I really liked your fic with David not getting into the film school. I'm in the mood for more angst. Can you please write this one “Why are you lying to me?” with Davenzi?

hiii! thank you for the prompt and sorry for the small delay, i got a bit carried away and ended up with a bit more than i bargained for haha

but angst you ask and angst you get (with some hope and comfort we all deserve)! hope you enjoy!

Read on AO3

And I Promise You This

It was bound to happen eventually, their lives getting more diverging. 

They still had their huge group of friends, but as people started studying and working, they rarely managed to meet up with everyone present these days. Now, everyone saw each other mostly one on one or in smaller groups, whenever they could.

Matteo and David had also both made some new friends along the way. After David started university, he quickly found himself part of a small, warm community of fine arts students and made a lot of friends in just a couple of weeks. Meanwhile, Matteo worked at a nearby Italian restaurant, still contemplating if being a chef or a waiter was something he’d like to do in the future as well, or if he’d rather study something completely else. Soon after starting at his new job, Matteo had hit it off with a couple of his colleagues, as they were around the same age, and they saw each other regularly outside work.

All things considered, it was only natural that they didn’t spend that much time together anymore. It wasn’t to say that they didn’t spend time together at all, no. Of course they made sure to regularly carve out some time for  each other – to play games, watch movies, explore the city, whatever they happened to come up with. They basically lived together as well, mostly sharing a bed at the flatshare, but sometimes escaped the noisy and nosy flatmates by going to David’s – well, Laura’s, at this point – apartment just to get some peace and quiet. It was nice every once in a while, Laura and Matteo connected over cooking and David connected with them both by eating and enjoying it, but they had chosen to live at the flatshare anyway, as David couldn’t really stomach the idea of living with his boyfriend under his sister’s roof. Some things should always have a healthy amount of distance from the family members, and the thin wall between their bedrooms simply didn’t provide that.

However, going from being joined at the hip all the time to having their separated lives, despite their things having morphed into one large pile that belonged to both of them, had led to some arguments and strain in their relationship. That was to be expected, though, as it was a new situation to both of them, and adjusting to it hadn’t been as easy as they had initially thought.

Things had calmed down, and mostly, it was smooth sailing. But sometimes, things got tough. That happened when they were both beyond stressed, and so busy they barely ever saw each other – David working on projects at the university from 8 to 18 while Matteo sometimes came home from work well after midnight. Most of the time, they were good at communicating their concerns and anything that might be bothering them, and it rarely caused them any troubles. But when tired and annoyed, listening got hard and patience wore thin, leading to frustration and arguments.

Usually, the tension between them lasted from several hours to a few days until one or both of them broke it by saying something funny or teasing purposefully to swipe away the odd strain, or simply by apologizing and taking away the hurt.

It had been a week now, and David was slowly losing his mind.

It all began on the evening he had promised to go to a party with his friends from the university. Matteo was supposed to work for the day, but his boss had to reschedule him for the following evening due to a big reservation, effectively ruining their plans to go out together with the boys like “the old times” as Carlos had referred to it.

David knew he could have taken the news a bit better, as it wasn’t Matteo’s fault and Matteo agreed to the change simply because he didn’t want to cause his colleagues to break under pressure while working understaffed. Matteo’s decision was, in fact, very thoughtful, now that David thought back to it. Unfortunately, when Matteo had broken the news to him, his initial reaction was to call him out on it – not because he was actually angry, like he was sure it came across, but because he was disappointed that he couldn’t make it. They all had been looking forward to the night-out for such a long time, made plans over a month ago to ensure everyone had their schedule free for the night, and now, Matteo was not going to make it.

After he had calmed down a bit, David had suggested that Matteo come with him to the student party instead. Matteo had asked him if he could cancel, if they could just curl up on the couch and enjoy a movie or something. But he couldn’t do that, as he had made a promise, and had taken part in planning the evening, and was needed to set up the place for the people. 

After a short but tense discussion, Matteo agreed to go – although a bit reluctantly. David understood where he was coming from: Matteo had only briefly met his school friends, and generally disliked being in loud places with huge crowds without knowing anyone.  And, well, wasn’t a student party just that? But he promised to go with David, and David was thrilled to have his boyfriend with him – ready to show Matteo off to everyone.

However, David felt that something was off. Something had started with their quarrel but never disappeared, even after they had made amends. 

Throughout the night, it kept bugging him. It bothered him as he watched Matteo chat and laugh with his friends; it kept nagging at the back of his head as they all danced together. He pulled Matteo close, the music booming around them, and he swayed with him for a moment – until Matteo pulled away. Later, he asked Matteo if he wanted to get something to drink, but only got a shake of a head as an answer. While they were walking back to the flatshare, David reached for Matteo’s hand, but Matteo pulled it away and slipped it into his pocket. Matteo was looking away into the distance of the sleeping city, but David couldn’t help feeling like it was intentional.

David tried to bring it up many times as the week went by. He knew he had been childish before the party, getting mad over nothing, and he had told Matteo as much. Told him he had been wrong, and that he was sorry. And Matteo had accepted his apology, shrugging like he didn’t know why David was apologizing. But there was something sad in his smile and something careful in the way he hugged David back, and it all screamed that something was still so very wrong. 

So, day after day, David asked about it, and all he kept getting back was a forced laugh, a shrug, or an eyeroll. His initial worry quickly turned back into irritation.

“Matteo, what is wrong?” he asked for what seemed like the thousandth time in the past couple of days. He had gone to hug his boyfriend from behind while he was pouring some coffee for himself, only to be shrugged off as quickly as Matteo needed to realize what he was about to do; his patience was at its limits.

“Nothing,” Matteo answered immediately – too fast for it to be sincere. David sighed deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose. It was too early – to be awake, to be shoved off, to be having this conversation, you name it –, but it was the first morning in a month they were actually able to have breakfast together. So if he was being honest, it hurt to be brushed off without any explanation when all he wanted was some coffee and a goddamn hug from his boyfriend.

“Don’t start with that again. It’s obviously something. You’ve been acting strange all week.”

“I have not.”

The discussion was like an exact repeat from all the previous ones they’d had, leading absolutely nowhere. It took every ounce of self-control David had to remain calm and not pull his hair out strand by strand in his frustration.

“You just pushed me off from hugging you even though we haven’t been able to spend a morning together in ages. That is very strange when it comes to you.”

“Are you saying I’m clingy?” Matteo grumbled, now visibly annoyed at being forced to continue the conversation despite his efforts to escape it. Matteo grabbed a carton of milk from the fridge and poured some into his coffee, pointedly turning his back to David for the moment. David couldn’t help but wonder if, maybe, it would actually help to pull out some hair, after all.

“No, I–… That’s not what I said.” David shook his head and rubbed his hands over his face. “Matteo, I need to know what’s going on. You’re avoiding me.”

“I’m right here,” Matteo stated blankly, returning the milk to the fridge. He picked up his coffee mug and turned around, but kept his eyes down, while David kept his own gaze on Matteo’s face like a hawk, desperate to get any reaction that might hint at what was going on.

“You are here, yes, but you’re still avoiding me.”

Matteo shrugged and kept quiet, taking a sip out of his mug while he leaned his back against the kitchen counter. David was running out of ideas on how to not end up in yet another fight, when all he wanted to do was the resolve the previous one they had – or whatever it was that was now putting this weight between them.

“Matteo, please,” David began, stressing his words, and let his eyes slide shut while he took a deep breath before opening them again. “You barely talk to me if I don’t talk to you first, you pull your hand away when I try to hold it, you shrug me off when I try to hug you and now you’re refusing to look me in the eye completely. Why is that? Please tell me.”

“I’m not avoiding you,” Matteo said, his voice so quiet David could hardly make out the words. David ran his fingers through his hair, ignoring the knots and tangles they got stuck in on the way.

“You are, though. So, what is it?”

“Nothing.”

“Why are you lying to me?” David snapped, raising his voice unintentionally, the force of it ringing through the kitchen, and regretting it as soon as he saw Matteo flinch.

“Sorry,” David said immediately, backing down a bit and heavily dropping himself on to the nearest kitchen chair. “I didn’t mean to yell, I’m sorry. I just–… Please, just–… I need to know what I’ve done wrong so I can fix it.”

That’s when Matteo’s gaze snapped up to meet his eyes and he looked… Confused?

“What do you mean? You haven’t done anything.”

Now, David was even more lost. He stared at Matteo, his mouth hanging open in surprise, struggling to take in the information he had just been given.

“What?”

“It’s not–… You didn’t do anything,” Matteo said again, now rubbing his hand over his eyes – with slightly too much force, David noted, like he tended to do when he was frustrated. David leaned his elbows on his knees, gnawing on his lower lip, feeling uncertain.

“What is it, then?” he asked carefully, hoping to sound encouraging. Like he was trying his hardest not to scare Matteo away now that he had finally gotten him to talk – or even react to his questions – for the first time since they fell into the odd place of tension a week ago.

“It’s stupid.”

Ah. That was a response that David knew meant that Matteo had been too lost in his own thoughts – his hidden insecurities casting long, dark shadows over his mind, making unwanted thoughts to surface. Matteo had explained it to him once, after he had gone to see a professional to talk about all the struggles he had had ever since his father left and his mother’s mental health had plummeted.

David stood up again and took a few steps closer to Matteo, leaving some space between them and carefully let his hands hang at his sides, not touching him.

“Tell me,” he then said softly, tilting his head as he tried to catch Matteo’s eyes which were once again turned downwards.

“I just–… I feel like–”

David stood his ground, staying quiet, giving Matteo space to collect his thoughts. Matteo sighed deeply and placed his coffee mug back onto the counter, his shoulders slouching.

“You don’t deserve to be disappointed all the time.”

David blinked. It wasn’t exactly the response he was waiting for, if there was any, and confusion swept over him.

“Disappointed? Because of what?”

“Because of me.”

Matteo’s words tore at his heart. He lifted his arm to take Matteo’s hand, but pulled it away quickly, and reminded himself to keep his distance to ensure Matteo had the space to say everything he wanted – even though  the need to hug him was getting painful to bear. Just as he was about to ask what Matteo had meant, the words started tumbling from Matteo’s lips, a stream of hurt and guilt flung out onto the kitchen floor in front of him. 

He told David how much it bothered him that he had to disappoint not only David but all the guys when he had to cancel their night out, and how much he would have wanted to be there with everyone. He told him how much he hated the student parties and how much he knew David worried for him while they were at one, and how he felt like he always managed to ruin the evening even if no one dared to say it out loud. He told him how much guilt he felt for the times he had told David he’d be home before he went to sleep but had to stay overtime and got back when David had already drifted off. The list went on and on, and David could see it had been building for a long time.

Finally, he closed the distance by taking the couple of steps in between them, and pulled Matteo into a tight hug in the middle of his sentence, and pressed him against himself with all the force he had in his arms. He let his eyes close as Matteo buried his face into the nape of his neck, hugging him back like his whole world depended on it. And they stood there, enveloped in each other, for a long time – finding some desperate comfort in the silence and each other. David felt Matteo shake a little between his arms as the adrenaline, and maybe fear, melted off him. It felt like his chest was burning.

After some time, David finally pulled back just enough to look into Matteo’s eyes, and took his face in between his hands. He wanted to kick himself for not noticing Matteo’s insecurities and building worries earlier. Unfortunately, he had come to learn that Matteo was worryingly good at hiding things if he felt like his feelings might be a burden to someone, so most likely, Matteo had done his very best to keep it safely tucked away from David’s sight. David was determined to do everything in his power to change that so that whatever it was, Matteo could always feel safe to tell it to him. Always.

“I am not disappointed in you,” he then said firmly, and quickly continued before Matteo could jump in, “I am disappointed in situations. I am disappointed because of plans changing suddenly, my favourite jeans ripping and the shitty weather on a summer day. But I’ve never once been disappointed in you.”

“But I have disappointed you.”

Matteo looked uncertain and guilty, and David felt a little sick when he had to nod. But that much was true.

“You have. But– No, listen, Matteo,” David gently turned his face back to him as Matteo tried to turn his eyes away, adamant to keep the connection between them. “It doesn’t mean that you are a disappointment to me.”

David brushed a thumb over Matteo’s cheek, still staring into his blue eyes, trying to muster up the most loving expression he possibly could.

“It never means that, I promise. I’ve only ever been proud of you, to be with you. It makes me so proud to have you.”

Matteo swallowed thickly and didn’t say anything. He simply stared back at David, like he was looking for something in his eyes. Whatever it was, he seemed to find it, as he swallowed again and nodded, utter relief painting his expression.

“Okay.”

David nodded, daring to smile a little and squeeze Matteo’s cheeks a bit more between his hands, squishing them so his lips pointed out rather comically. Matteo pulled his face away, breaking into a small laugh. The sound was music to David’s ears, the chime of his laughter soothing David’s heart immediately. Just like that, the heavy weight between them was lifted.

David took a step closer to crowd Matteo against the counter, and loosely hooked his arms on Matteo’s shoulders when he showed no signs of escaping. Matteo seemed amused – David hadn’t even realized how much he had missed that look.

“I love you so much. So, so much. You know that, right?” he mumbled, brushing his nose against Matteo’s. His voice came out a little wobbly, the question almost like a plea. There was this need inside him, urging him to make sure Matteo heard him say it. He just had to know that despite the worries and doubts Matteo might have when he was drowned by his own thoughts, he still knew that he had David’s whole heart and soul.

He felt soft lips press against his own, the kiss tasting like assurance and promise at the same time. Matteo broke it off as gently as he started it, leaning their foreheads together and pulling David impossibly close by the waist.

“I know,” Matteo breathed out shakily, as his face broke into the warmest, brightest smile David had seen in weeks. 

“I love you, too.”

—

“And I promise you this,

no matter who enters your life

I will love you more than any of them.”

– Origin of the quote unknown

[cutegirlmayra]

Hi I'm really enjoying ready a lot of your prompts. I'm not sure if you have answered something similar before but my question to you is if you could explain why do you think Amy is in love with Sonic and possibly why do you think Sonic 'might' like Amy in return. Thank you so much and I really appreciate it if you could answer these questions.

I would love too! It’s been a long while, so I might as well collect ‘new evidence’ right? :)b Also, thank you so much! I’m sorry everything is on shutdown (except Commissions! Rules link: x Pay link: x ) but I’m always excited to write a prompt when I get around to it! lol

Let’s start with the beginning. According to her creator, Amy was made with many “Fingers in the pot” and one of the main traits he mentioned was that he wanted Amy to be cute and have her focus set on Sonic. Since Sonic is always moving towards the next adventure, not really focused on anything else, he needed someone who would be completely concentrated on him. In Japanese culture, devotion/loyalty is an endearing characteristic, and it’s clear that Amy exhibits a sole fidelity to Sonic. This was intentional but perhaps mistranslated when interrupted by American culture.

Rosy the Rascal was meant to, based on fan speculation, set up the world’s perception of Sonic. He was famous for his heroic deeds, but in Sonic Adventure, we learn that he never considered himself a hero. He tells Shadow he’s just a guy who loves adventure, and according to the Canon Timeline, Amy was the first ‘friend’ Sonic ever had. His first ‘saving the damsel’ act, that defined a hero (especially in those time periods) was set up by him saving Classic Amy Rose.

She, therefore, has a small backstory explaining how she admired his heroism, used Tarot Cards to find out where to meet her ‘destined’ and was soon kidnapped and rescued by him. This only solidified her feelings for him, showing that not only did Sonic have a fan, but now he had a devoted self-proclaimed girlfriend in the process as well.

It was important that Amy was ‘self-proclaimed’ because besides being ‘shy’, Sonic is also not one to demonstrate a lot of emotion. This correlates with the ‘cool’ image that is reflective of Japanese young heroes. So, Amy set up that Sonic was a popularly recognized hero and even had fans, but she also revealed that most found Sonic attractive in his deeds and personality. “He’s so cool!” kind of stereotype. But besides being a rising star, Amy fell in love with him for his good deeds and risking so much to save her.

This is stage 1, let’s move on through the timeline.

As Amy kept reappearing (after Sonic met and befriended Tails and even Knuckles) she asserted herself into his circle to be closer to him. She gained a new strength, the Piko Piko Hammer and drew new expressions out of Sonic that normally wouldn’t have been seen before. Because Sonic doesn’t show many personal emotions, Amy has emotion enough to spare between the both of them. It’s relevant that this behavior, common in Japanese anime stereotypes, is frowned upon in the American fandom, but it’s actually praised and regarded with admiration in the Japanese fandom.

Another Sonic official on Twitter stated that if Sonic didn’t have a boy’s heart(A.K.A, wasn’t a young boy), he would probably choose Amy. I believe that’s because “The one who stays in the race, finishes the race” is true in this regard. Because Amy chases Sonic (A healthy part of any romance) she is constantly there (In sight, in mind.). So it’s safe to say one of the reasons Sonic could be more fond of her than he lets on is because he recognizes that she’s always there. She won’t abandon him nor her feelings for him. This level of devotion is praised in Japanese culture, and I would imagine he reciprocates this.

He rewards her efforts for this loyalty time and time again. Not only by saving her, but by also allowing her to do as she pleases. He never really goes against her. He never fights back with her. In fact, in Sonic Adventure and Sonic Adventure 2 battle, directly resulting after the Classic Era, it shows Sonic’s consideration for her feelings.

“Amy…. Take care of yourself.” In the Japanese version, Sonic pauses a considerable amount of time as Amy expresses the horror of his supposed sacrifice to protect her. He gives her one last cool pose, preparing for whatever may come, and reveals that in his heart–he felt it was his job to take care of her.

This correlates with Classic Sonic’s feelings, although not fully expressed in words and mostly done through deeds.

Amy’s feelings only grow stronger after this point, resulting in her being even more forward about wanting to marry Sonic, as it is her way of saying she’ll be his forever, and love him for all eternity. It is stated by SEGA that Amy can never get over Sonic, there will never be a ‘another love interest’, though they have explored Sonic being charming to other girls. Due to his already stated ‘attractiveness’ because of his heroic deeds, many girls have swooned over Sonic, and he’s treated this with patience and a heroic smile. He comforts girls, but he always returns to Amy’s side. Why is this? You may say, “Well, it’s because you just said she’s devoted to him, so he’s returning the gesture.” Well, you’re half-right, but it’s only half the tale.

In later additions, Sonic is shown to also get exasperated with Amy’s overly energetic flirtations with him. It’s actually more an anime stereotype once again, where the boy is embarrassed by the girl’s forwardness. In Japanese culture, the demure girl is praised as the most attractive quality for a woman. Amy is the stereotypical opposite, due to Sonic’s aloof nature, she has to be bold in her declarations of love for him. You can see the ‘demure’ type of girl found in Cosmo, Vanilla, Elise, Shahra, and even some in Blaze. Rouge is the stereotypical ‘older matured woman’ to put it lightly, but Amy is the energetic girl in anime stereotypes, bold and quick to anger or at times bossy.

In a Japanese translated bio online, Amy is stated to ‘cheerfully embarrass men’ which is shown in many incidents in Sonic X and the video games. In this regard, we could deduce that Sonic silently enjoys the praise as well as reciprocates her devotion. She loves him because he won’t hesitate to do what’s right (Heroism) and always follows his heart (cool and willful personality) while Sonic stays relatively close (in spirit) and is always devoted to protecting or being there for her.

These are the biggest traits that define Sonic and Amy’s feelings for each other. Mostly demonstrated in Sonic X, we see Sonic returning home to Amy, their telepathy ability when Amy is thinking hard about Sonic, and revealing that Sonic was thinking solely about rescuing her. We also see it in Sonic saving Amy from drowning, and Amy diving in to save him from the Metarex. There is also stated attraction on Sonic’s end for Amy during the ‘dress’ scene (But Amy is canonally stated to be a ‘pretty girl’, which is subtly expressed in the Video Games as well. Silver stating this world is beautiful, but pausing to blush and look away when Amy tilts her head while the sun highlights her is just an example. Sonic flirting with The Lady of the Lake and having a date with Amy is another example from Sonic’s POV.)

So, to conclude this little essay, I’ll say that the real answer is- “Sonic returns to Amy because she’s his perfect match. Her devotion is of course included in the mix, but it’s also because she expresses her feelings for him so openly, it’s touching how she’ll risk everything for him and he would willingly do the same.” They both care so much in such different ways, and the different ways they express it is perfect for how the other wants to be loved. Sonic doesn’t always like the forward attention, but he appreciates that he never has to question her devotion to him. Amy loves Sonic because although he’s shy, he finds ways to still show he cares deeply about her.

Although these two are still very much children, they have a foundation of mutual fidelity and trust that can’t be broken. (Sonic won’t destroy Omega, Sonic protectively defends Amy against Jet, and Sonic accepts Amy’s bracelet for him, A.K.A shows he accepts her feelings for him.)

Many in the fandom argue that Sonic can be inconsiderate of Amy’s feelings, which is true. He’s still a young boy and makes mistakes, but there is supportive evidence to suggest he does this in the presence of Eggman or others. I also support the theory that he doesn’t want her to get hurt because of him, so he keeps his distance during crowds, but as it is often player choice, he also goes on dates off and on with her from time to time.

In conclusion, these are just some things that result in Amy’s love and Sonic’s crushing. I say ‘crushing’ because Sonic isn’t quite fully there yet. He’s devoted but rarely speaks his honest opinion of her.

Even Omochao states in Sonic and Mario Winter Olympic’s: “No one knows if Amy is or isn’t Sonic’s girlfriend or not.” He never tells. Could this be because of his fear of her getting hurt by his enemies? Or his shyness? Possibly the fact that he never does say how he thinks about Amy?

Ever notice that?

But he constantly thanks Amy, and I think that subtle, “Thanks, Amy. I appreciate it.” Is honest. It may not be “I love you” but it’s something along those lines. Amy’s “Marry me!” Is her way of saying it, but moreover, what she wants to say is– “I don’t want to give you an ultimatum, because how you live your life is wonderful! But at least let me and my love for you be a part of it!” Which I believe he does return in full freedom of allowing her to love him in the way that suits her best.

He may refuse her advances, but he never has refused her heart.

She may not like it when he doesn’t consider her feelings, but she will always believe in him.

This is what I believe Sonamy is today.

There is plenty more, but I believe this is what needs to be stated, and perhaps this is too long already, so that’s how I’ll leave it for now ;) Thanks for the ask!

[dan-alexander-art]

Personas

Man it has been a long time since I posted anything. I wanted to apologize for that, things have been hectic. Especially with University but through all that I've been doing a lot of self discovery and realized I'm not one person, but actually six (plus a train of thoughts). Most people might think it's Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID or Multiple Personality Disorder) but that's not what I have. After talking to a therapist about this she's helped me see that they're just different parts of me. I knew it wasn't DID to begin with since I didn't have blank memories. It took awhile but after trying to listen to my different parts I figured out who they are and their own stories. Most have their own tastes of music and that has helped me a lot in figuring out on who they are, what they do and what they're like. So below I their bios as well as a short story of them and how they came to be. This is right to left.

Name: Love and Memories

Nickname: Rose

Likes: Listening to Maroon 5 and songs about love. Look back at happy memories. Giving Lillies or Bonsai Trees to friends.

Bio: Love has been around a long time, he's the second longest persona that existed. When he's around he doesn't care what to wear. When he's present he likes to go back and remember both the good and bad in my life. He has a deeper understanding between a good relationship and a bad relationship. The vines represent a current relationship I have, weather it's a friendship or family relations. When the vines are mostly thorns rather than flowers it means the relationship is toxic and should be fixed. If there are more flowers than thorns then the relationship is healthy. The point where the toxicity has gotten really bad is when the rose on his right eye begins to wither. Whenever we get friends he symbolically gives said friend either a lily or Bonsai tree since these require lots of care, love and patience just like a real friendship. Love isn't too hesitant about forming new bonds but only after a certain amount of time. He's not shy but most people would assume since he doesn't speak much, but in reality he just doesn't know how to communicate well and worries it might come out wrong, misunderstood or offensive.

Name: Beast

Nickname: ---

Likes: Feeding off my insecurities and taunting me

Bio: Beast is a dangerous persona that requires me to have full control of what goes on. Beast can control the other personas. For example Beast can make Love rewind traumatic memories and leave me feeling paralyzed. He is the embodiment of negativity and he enjoys seeing me suffer. If I'm not careful he can and will slowly crawl up behind me. Starting with small whispers of insecurities then building on until he's shouting taunts at me. Shouting all my fears, my worries and my worthlessness to the point of crying.

Name: Hurt

Nickname: Wolf

Likes: Listening to Linkin Park, Three Days Grace, Katy Perry and any type of strengthing music. Wearing rings and bracelets.

Bio: Hurt carries a lot of scars and wounds on him that represent emotional and mental scars and wounds I carry. He doesn't mind showing them off, he actually finds them empowering. To him it shows not only what he's been through but even through all that he's still here. Hurt isn't afraid aside from Beast. Beast is the only thing that scares him. Hurt also doesn't mind crying, it just means he's human like everyone else. When he's around he lets me cry when I need to but also reminds me that there's always a better tomorrow. That whatever is going on in my life doesn't mean the world is going to end and this experience is only going to make me stronger. Hurt's nickname comes from his ability to change into a wolf. The form represents the pride he has for being able to continue walking down this path dispite the curveballs life has thrown at us. Hurt is very wary of new people and doesn't open up on the spot. Though he's very kind and is willing to comfort people who are hurting. He always puts other people ahead of himself. The cracked eye shows that Hurt's soul is part broken, since the eyes are the windows to the soul. The cracked has a tendency to bleed every now and then and because of the cracked eye his perspective is warped. What caused the cracked eye is something Hurt doesn't want to talk about or explain.

Name: Ying & Yang

Nickname: Unity

Likes: Listening to NoCopyrightSounds (NCS) and other types of beat music. Wearing a black hoodie.

Bio: Yang has a deep understanding for human behavior and human emotions but doesn't understand his own. When he's around I just have a strong emotion of movement and color. Yang is very powerful, he can alter my reality. He helps me see different perspectives. Yang also has a different side called Ying. Yang is calm, collective and uses his ability to make my day brighter. Ying is a bit more unstable, he changes my reality in order to escape it. Ying doesn't always show up but when he does it's often from stress and a sense of lack of control. Unlike Yang, Ying doesn't see color. He only sees static black and white. This static helps calm my mind by focusing on less. Ying is also chaotic and makes me go through healthy mental breakdowns. Though Ying's mind is also disturbing compared to Yang's. Ying doesn't mind listening to twisted music and watching gorey movies.

Name: Smart Alec

Nickname: Yukio

Likes: Listening to lo-fi and reading music. Reading fiction books. Peace and quiet whenever possible.

Bio: Alec is the first persona to be around, he only focuses on school and is always planning ahead. He rarely makes me forget to do HW. Alec would often scare me into doing HW fast and early. Though it pays off. He loves reading especially the Wings of Fire series. The combination of music and reading helps keep him immersed into the world. He's often very technical and often likes to argue with science. He's all about the facts and research, he sees educating one's self is important especially with the type of world he's in this time around. He's hardworking and studying whenever it's necessary. He use to push me to my limits but is now more lenient and doesn't make me overdo it when it comes to studying. He's not really too comfortable in crowds and prefers to be with a small group or being alone. He doesn't mind a challenge, in fact he actually welcomes it. Alec doesn't see any reason for emotions and he lacks a lot of emotion himself. Although he doesn't see it as bad he does see it as a burden, especially if when I'm upset but there's a task to be done. Though he encourages me to do said task, like he always says: Once you hit rock bottom, the only way now is up.

Name: Creativity

Nickname: Twilight

Likes: Listening to Alan Walker, Zedd and any upbeat music, but mostly music in general. Drawing and painting, especially adding a new drawings to my bedroom walls. Playing videogames, mostly JRPGs. Wearing hoodies and comfortable clothes.

Bio: Creativity likes to turn Yang's vision of colors into meaning. He often translates those colors into drawings. The same goes when he listens to music. When he's around he always compeles me to draw even if it's late. He gives me a drive to continue drawing. He also looks out for my wellbeing by helping me balance between downtime and chores. Creativity is also the one who gave the other personas nicknames. He's mostly shy but that shyness doesn't stay around when he's playing competitively. He won't hesitate to pick up a controller when it comes to games such as Smash Bros. Playing games helps with the ongoing stresses in life but also helps spark new ideas. Creativity also likes to world building and create new characters for his world building. He's always positive and helps me through my hard times by drawing vent art. Creativity is a Walker fan himself, if you're curious he's Walker #37804.

Name: Lust

Nickname: Blaze

Likes: Listening to Ke$ha, Avril Lavigne, Green Day and any type of party music. Think about sex as a means to relieve anger, frustration or irritation. Wearing multiple necklaces and high tops.

Bio: Lust didn't always have free will especially early on. He was always fueled by rage, hate and anger. He often protected me by being cold and learning to fight back. He was present in my early years of starting Elementary school as a way to keep a distance from people who would try to hurt me. Though because of his lack of free will he would often make me feel angry and ready to clock anything even if it was just bothering me. The lack of freewill came from Beast. In fact Beast and Lust use to be one. With Beast fueling his anger with hurtful words. It wasn't until Ying and Yang helped them be their own person that Lust started to control his anger. Now he just likes to display himself as someone against authority when he believes something is wrong. And he uses that anger as a passion to participate in marches and protests. Though Lust hasn't completely shed influence from Beast. He possesses the ability to become a dragon. He can do this at will but not when he's angry. The angrier Lust gets the more dragon like he becomes. Only when he gets enraged does Lust become a full dragon. Lust is very protective, not just protective of me but also of my friends. He cares about other people and displays it as being protective. If anyone messes with my friends, Lust won't hesitate to get even. He's also very raw when it comes to intercourse and sees it as nothing more than human nature and not something to be ashamed about. Though he also holds consent to a high standard. If we're out he'll make sure me or someone there doesn't end up getting taken advantage of or be in a dangerous situation. Intercourse is very secrete to him and not something someone should have the ability to abuse.

[jiwonsssi]

— worth it.

It's always difficult to stay sane in relationships. Especially if it's about Eun Jiwon.

warnings: unprotected sex, oral sex (like a tiny attempt), swearing.

characters: Eun Jiwon, 'you'.

The thing is, Jiwon was never an easy task. To talk with, to work with, to live with, to date in general; he had always been able to find a topic to bicker about just as a part of his hobby. You were wondering everytime that happened; like, how one person can make so much noise? It's funny and cute most of the times; he didn't ever crossed a line. Never complaint about your cooking skills, or your clothes, style; appearance. Your way of life was also never a topic for his antics even when you were one hundred percent sure he had some troubles with accepting this or that.

He never meant to hurt you in any way; although he did. And it hurts like hell now. Because his 'I didn't say anything wrong' is the problem, not his words about something you don't even remember for now. Seeing you barely able to control tears and still continuing to step on what got you crying. He might be right a hundred times, but it didn't matter. It still doesn't and would never be. At least for you.

And when you leaved him, advising him to think about what he says, Jiwon was still sure that he did the right thing. He's really unpredictable sometimes, because heaven knows, it's the first time you realised just how stupid, stubborn and insensitive he could actually be.

So you didn't talk for, somehow, four days. And it broke your heart even more. He texted you once, but lowering your expectations and being okay with this treatment? Thank you, no. He's not busy now and you know it. And he knows where you are. It's not like he's not able to come to talk, to sort things out. At this point it's not about crying and complaining how he mistreated you and so on and so forth; it's about fighting him for greater good. Good old rage. At the first day, you cried like a bitch; fighting with him was never that harsh on you while you were never that sensitive. Just the whole situation, and stress, and him not paying attention to that. So if he would have been here then, it would be alright. You didn't even need his apologies, you just wanted to cry not in a pillow all alone, but in his shoulder. At the second day, you were a lot calmer. That's when the text happened and that 'you alright? im sorry' even made you uncertain in some way; but.. not so much. At the third day came alcohol and best friend, and they made everything so much easier. Maybe it helped because the whole evening you two were just playing games, without discussing anything. It surely cleared your head so now, at the forth day, you were certain in the fact that you want to show him just how angry you are.

- 'Im sorry', pff, you sure should be, - muttering it under your breath while trying to open the door in apartments when he lives, you tried to keep your mind clear. You really tried. But the thing is, you love him so much, that you totally not going to lose him over some fight when you two were just stressed out. And you love yourself enough to make him understand that that's not going to happen again.

- Why did you ignore me? - and here he stands, clearly just out of bed. It's not even a mid day, it's evening and he was sleeping. Not surprised. He looks like an angry bird with that messy hair and messed up shirt and pants. Yet you are here not to admire his sleepy cuteness.

- Hello, dear, - does your voice sound as pissed as you are? Kicking your shoes to the corner, you made your way past him. And he just continued staying in a doorway with his hands crossed on his chest and eyes scanning your every movement then following you into bedroom.

- Why? - he particulary screams this part, more like makes it long, loud and annoyed. He should be annoyed. Must be.

- That's all you have to say? - you continue almost throwing your papers in a document folder, trying your best to not to lose patience. And, somehow, cry. Out of anger and sadness, because now he's doing the same thing again and that shit hurts.

- Not really, - he comes closer, taking all of the documents from your hands and shaking it in front of your face, - But I don't think you are here to listen. Those fucking pieces of paper are the only things you care about!

- No, I-

- Shut up, please, I'm talking, - his tone is solid, serious and angry, and you barely saw him this worked up. But you still want to say what you have to say. Even tho he has rights to speak, - You know what I see most of the times when I come home? You, sleeping around the table or you, sleeping on a coach because you are so tired you barely able to walk to the bed. Am I right?

- Yeah, but..

- Still not finished, - he throws documents he holds to the floor, making it flowing in different directions and you want to kill him for that. You organized them for so long and he just threw it away like it was nothing. You don't realize how your face is changing because of it but he gets even more pissed, - See? You care more about work than about my speech. I told you one hundred, one million and billion times to stop overworking yourself. I believe in that you want to be the best, you want you career to be perfect, but I want you, only, fuck, only you, to be healthy.

You start to slowly realise what he is talking about. He's worrying about you. But yet still, there is a bubbling feeling in your chest you can't just forget about.

- And when you were hurt by my words, God, I wanted to comfort you more than anything, but you wouldn't understand any fucking thing because your brain only works when you are this angry, - he pokes your forehead with his finger and exhales slowly, closing his eyes, - I don't care about any of your achievements if you would continue killing yourself. I would never support that. And that's why I don't care about what you want to say, what excuse you want to make up. That's bullshit, I don't buy it, - Jiwon looks you directly in the eyes and the last time you saw him this serious.. you never had, to be honest, - And you can be angry with me for as long as you want to if that means you would understand what I mean.

Your anger has, well, just slightly calmed down. It's difficult to be angry when he is like that. You were lectured like a child and that's one of the very few times you felt his age authority. And he maybe even right. Pursuing your lips a little, you avoid his gaze for a few moments in order to put your thoughts together. You don't like being lectured and he's so calm now. And that is the most confusing about the whole fight. Does he really mean it? But!

- Aren't you trying to find more reasons to stay angry? It's all written on your face now, - Jiwon steps aside a little, stepping on one of the papers on the floor to test your limits. On his face. It's all written on his goddamned face.

- Stop it, - you move in his direction and he moves further back, making sure to stop on every fucking piece of every fucking document he finds on his way, - Stop!

- Then you stop taking extra work hours and bringing it home, - he puts special treatment to one of the contracts you were working on for the longest time and you know that you already ready to beg.

- But I can't! I need to, - you try to get on your knees to save maybe something, but give up on it when you see basically everything is damaged, - Oh fuck. I'm jobless now. God..

- I offered you a good deal without that shittyass boss who uses you like a conveyer, - paper cracks under him and you push oxygen out of your lungs with such a power that your head slightly spinning so you support your forehead with a palm. Jobless, for real.

Actually you don't know why are you not upset about it.

- I can't take it.

- Because it's a good deal? How thoughtful and logical, I love a smart girl!

- Shut up, you! - you throw a paper at him. Now he just annoys you. No anger. Pure hate.

- Get ready to a cheesy line, - he smirks and you roll your eyes fully aware of what he's going to say, - Make me.

And you do. You crash your lips on his, feeling his hands on your waist momentary. He pulls your incredibly close, enough for your sides to ache slightly in places he touches you.

- I missed you, - he murmurs into your lips, pushing you slightly to the bed until your legs touch it's border, without breaking constant contact between your bodiesand lips. You can tell that he smoked by the strong smell of cigarettes and bitter taste on the tip of your tongue. God, you love it.

- Me too, - biting his lower lip, you fully realise that is not going to be gentle. You can clearly see it in his eyes; he needs that stress to be gone. And you totally can relate.

You feel his lips moving down your neck, leaving small hickeys; the only thing he has patience to actually do. He's impatient and turned on; his hands are barely able to unzip your jeans but Jiwon does it with such a determination, you giggle.

And then he rips off the button, sucking on your skin so hard you jerk aside a little. No giggling. Understood.

- That was new and I'm jobless now. So, would you be my sugar daddy? That's what you wanted all along? - somehow you find a strenght to tease while feeling your head spinning when he pushes you to the bed. His face is priceless tho.

- You need to earn it, babygirl, - he smirks, looking at you from the top and slapping your tight roughly. You are not into that daddy thing and he never ever called you like that, but Jesus fucking Christ, that was hot as hell.

Jiwon takes off a shirt, when you particularly jump out of your pants and hoody. Now it's his time to smile because the determination on your face is precious.

Sex always starts with the hot, rough vibe and in the end you find him smiling like that and there is no way you can keep that mood.

- Jiwon, please, - you move closer to him, pushing your thighs into him, feeling his erection against your hip. Jiwon lets his hands roam your body, stopping near every damn piece of underwear you have on yourself and that's just rude.

- I thought it 'daddy' now, - he pushes his pelvis harder between your legs, making you squeak in front of him at the sudden friction. It's obvious that he's kidding, it's all in his shit-eating grin. Unbearable.

- You wish, old man, - you get on your elbows, before he's able to do anything, to grab him by the neck for a kiss. Sometimes he really needs to keep his mouth shut and that's the best way to do it. The kiss sends you on fire, he's crashing you against his body with full force, one of hands snake your waist firmly and other squeezes your ass to give it another light slap. You squirm, digging your nails into his shoulders and moan into the kiss, feeling him smirking.

- So you have a thing for old men then? - you basically roar with anger, tugging on his hair so hard, he hisses and slaps you harder this time. Almost a year of relationships with him taught you that it's better to just shup up now so you won't end up bickering for an hour.

He puts you on the bed again, after striping you out of your bra, howering on top and places short wet kisses everywhere he can manage to reach. You try your best to not to squirm like crazy, but fail obviously. With him grinding against you core, you're not sure how much longer you can wait. The feeling of him against your body is like addiction; addicting euphoria of which you would never be able to get rid of.

You've been angry with him for so long, yet now it's impossible to fight with him. You are gone for; surrendered without a battle. Cause you love him like that. Jiwon looks incredibly hot when he's serious and concentrated. You would never confess it to him; but his dominant side might have you on your knees, pleading for him, in seconds. He didn't even need to do anything.

He takes off your panties and you grasp on bed sheets with a loud moan when he's pushing one finger inside, adding the second right after, making you lose your breath for a while. He moves his hand fast, gently pinching one of your nipples with another, kissing that place right after. There is not a single thought in your head; just him. His lips, when he kisses you, swallowing small noises you make and the way he's circling your clit with his thumb. He builds sexual frustration in you methodical, knowing for sure what to do to make you cum. And he's extremely generous today.

Jiwon is quick to make his way down your body to settle between your legs. You don't fully realise what happened when you feel his tongue instead of his thumb, sucking you harshly, just the way you liked it. He brings you just what you need, just the way you like it. Tangling fingers in his hair, you push him closer, not caring to control your actions. As well as moans and everything else. Because, damn, he's tongue can send you on edge; in every way possible.

He curls his fingers, continuously pumping the same spot and you are done for in a moment. Feeling every nerve and muscle in your nody being tensed with anticipation, relief comes upon like a blessing and even tho Jiwon guiding you through your orgasm, you so fucking lost, you don't understand where you are for a second.

You feel him pulling away, mewling something at the loss of him and touches on extra sensitive skin. And he buries his head in a crook of your neck, placing small kisses over and over again while you try to calm your erratic breathing.

- Another one for me. Please, - his voice is so tensed, low, he particularly grunts it to your ear, kissing it gently, while lowering his pants and boxers, - Okay?

It's not like you are able to answer him when your head is still spinning anyway. He receives a shaky nod from you, kissing your lips shortly and furrows his brows, lining himself between your folds. You let a long, high-pitched sound escape on top of your lungs when you feel it; and you hear him sucking on his breath, pressing your foreheads together.

- Look at me, - you mess his hair even more and look him in the eyes; he is so beautiful. Just like that. Messy hair, sticking to his skin because of sweat and how he's worked up; how his lips parting slightly and brows furrows when he slides himself into you. And that pure bliss on his face when he starts moving inside. He feels amazing; God, the best you have ever felt.

And he thinks the absolute same about you.

Jiwon's heavy hot breathes stuck on your lips, you digging your nails in his shoulders lightly, when you feel the coiling in your stomach starts to boil exponentially all over again. Especially when he pulls you into erratic kiss, chasing your small moans with his lips. He's so hot, his skin radiates the warmth you are so used to, but now you feel like burning, when trapped beneath him. Jiwon still smells like cigarettes, slight aroma of his perfume that is imprinted on his skin now and something that you can't describe. Something, that makes him Jiwon you love; and being drowning in his scent, while he steadily pounds into you, murmuring something that you can't even understand - you wouldn't change it for anything.

You place a kiss under his jaw, right below his ear, fully aware of what it does to him. You feel chills running down your spine when he fastens the pace, squeezing your hip harder. You can't last forever, every brush against your extra sensitive now skin makes you squirm and he continues to brush that particular spot with his tip.

But never uncomfortable. He gave it to you nicely the first time, now he tortures you again. That's just how he likes you - when you are on the edge, but not able to do anything. He craves for your moans, for seeing you going crazy beneath him, for how you bite your lip or scratch his spine with your nails. He loves you like that. Like nothing in the world.

But he loves you better when you lose it. When your toes curl and you shut your eyes tightly, holding your breath for seconds while he thrusts into you harder, faster and you hold on him for dear life, releasing that one loud moan of relief in the end.

And he mixes it with his pleasure, when you kiss right below his lower lip; so gently, delicate while you pulse around him and squeeze him so tight it hurts and when releases deep inside, thrusting in you forcefully, losing his control.

That's how he likes it the best.

Hell, he could fuck you for hours. If he wasn't so exhausted after.

Because even containing himself and pushing himself off you, it's hella amount of work for which he has no strength.

- I love you, - you murmur it quietly in his temple, turning your head a little, because he just burrowed his face in your neck to calm down.

- Me too, - his voice sharp and raspy, he lifts his head up a little, kissing the tip of your nose and his smile is incredible. It's amazing how he changes after sex. Everytime. He just smiles fully yet so tender, looking at you with full adoration; you could forgive him everything. His kisses are so light you barely feel it, Jiwon leaves a kiss everywhere he sees a hickey and hugs you so delicate like you are made of glass.

- I missed you, - you giggle, when he blows on your neck and looks up at you, rolling to the side to pull himself out, - How are you able to be so sweet? That's impossible.

- You are always free to check that. Just saying, - he laughs, seeing your firstly confused than hella 'not disappointed and not surprised' face and pulls you into a bear hug, showering you with kisses so he could make you smile again.

Every nerve you lost on him is worth it.

[mtnkat3]

Good morning world..

I hope everyone has a good day today, even as it's starting rainy here today.

I read something last night that gave me some lightbulb insights that I've been thinking about since.

Love is truly perfect just as it is.

No artifice, no changing.

Souls don't fall in love over the things that we individually struggle with.

No, we are all ~perfectly imperfect~ for our soul's true love mate.s...

I have always thought my Mate/s to be made perfectly just for me.

And God showed me that again last night.

Each imperfection that some may see as oh no & run...

I do not.

And whether or not I'm meant to help them...him...[God? Sigh. Yes Father. Wait.] Whether or not they have have something about themselves that they wanna change matters not, other than I wish to support every single thing that they ever think about.

They are perfect in my sight.

I don't want to change them.

I want to soothe every part of them.

Just as I feel God is telling me they feel the same about me.

Yes I got very teary about this last night.

I miss them.

And only in God's Hands will I ever be with them. Again. Forever. For eternity.

I am listening intently... intentionally... to everything I feel God saying to me.

Quieting my soul, my spirit.

Quieting the mind that thinks incessantly.

Even as I want to change myself, I know that only improving my health is what is necessary. To get the counseling I need, to get the physical being back in alignment as well. For every moment of opportunity I get me right again I start to feel better about myself. To overcome the hurdles of my past to not dwell in them, but learn from them.

Unfortunately in this current world we all have crosses to bare, burdens on our souls.

I want to learn from them, & release all those old hurts. But I need to learn how to.

I must learn.

It is divinely placed upon me to improve my own issues.

So then I may hold my Love/s hands thru every struggle. Just hold... love... support as we walk thru life. Together.

I never wanna change my Love/s.

I want to hold them, love them, show that my love is true, sincere, will never give up, never go away.

It was Created by God, written in the stars as He Made us to be.

My soul's keys belong to my true Love/s, my Mate/s. It will never change but for the better of each. It will never go away.

True love never dies... & true love always waits.

My beloved soul's Mate/s are out there... waiting.

It is a timely burden upon my heart & soul to recitfy that.

But in God's Time. Not mine own.

When I began to awaken from the truth of my life back in 2012 I began to make some egregious errors. I started pushing to change things before God was ready. And in this I came up against walls. The jobs I took were not what He wanted. And God protected me from the wrongs I encountered. Those...doosies.

My blessing, I met the right for me years ago. OMG did I! My beloved Bears. Fate.

So now as I awaken further to see the true, & the righteous, of life before me I am going to standfast.

Deal with having a home appraiser come thru here tomorrow & both the fallout from how my ex reacts, to the waiting game I'm required to give to have him acquiesce.

I must wait. On God. His Time.

My Love/s... I know You are out there... know that I love You Alll. That I am never gonna walk away from that.

In God's Lessons He is teaching me daily patience & humility.

Lessons I thought I knew, which tells me its something that I need to keep in the forefront of my mind.

Because I am tired of being separated from You Alll.

But the only way God will remove the locks & the veil now is for me to learn & truly implement those changes within myself.

Change that which is not healthy about myself.

But never change who I am as a soul.

I am made by God the way He wants me to be. A strong, stubborn warrior queen/sub that seems to require being knocked upside the head. Hard. Sigh.

But that's who He made me to be.

And that's just fine. me.

I will say this, life will never be boring or even easy.. grimace. With me. But You Alll will love every minute of it! From the love, laughter, passion to tears. I live honestly, truthfully, as raw as I can be. I am not about artifice. My masks are for the world but You Alll have always read me like a beloved book. Sometimes it's scary! But it also makes me sigh happily tooo.

Sigh. Don't know why this got so long. But God knows. So I will leave it as it is.

I gotta get ready for a doc appt then going to county courthouse to get my name back to me! Gotta have my dynamite! Then I can deal with DL, ssa, atf, banks, etc. Sigh. Yes, I want my Mate/s names.. Forever.

You Alll are perfect to me. Just the way You Alll are. I wanna soothe every hurt, kiss every scar, know every mark, understand all tattoos. I wanna right my wrongs that You Alll never doubt my love. For eternity. Alll I wanna do ... have the right to say... I am Yours. For the universe to hear. For eternity.

I love You Alll so very much.

Miss You Alll...You & God know...

My soul whimpers for...

True love never dies... & true love always waits.

Jesus, take the wheel so that this is not how our love story ends!🎶

Humbled by it Alll.

Your fallible daughter,

~Tijgeress kat Phoenix. 🌺

👩🤓☔💡⌚⛓🧱🏗⚖🗽🌂🔗⚓🙏🙇‍♀️🕯 🐯🐾🐐🐏🐂🦉🐢🐛🦋🌱🌺🌹🌻🌷🌳🧶🧵 ⚡🌠🔱⚜🐻💝🦌♠️🗝🧩🔆♾🌎🧭💡🕯🚀🎶

Th.8.25.2022 8.50am kat's layers...

9.17am done in diary. Gifs. Corrections. Sigh.

[lorieanneconde]

Being on my partners foot

PS: THIS WAS ON MY DRAFT SINCE MARCH 3, 2022

He told me his baguio trip with his friend who is a girl and that never bothers me tbh. Until he hid something from me (doing a favor to that friend) and tell me the truth when I was overthinking. That made me feel like there's something going on between them and gumigitna lang ako sa relationship nila.

Since then, even if we're fine, I can't stop thinking and comparing their bonds to our bonds now. It made me realize that it's like when he's thinking about my past relationships and having this kind of mindset is really toxic. Comparing and what ifs shit. Hahahaha. Tbh, to think about it is actually draining and I don't want to look back in the past.

How the hell did I survived an eighth??? Or nine months relationship with someone who's dwelling in my past????

Let's go back to that nine months relationship, It's like a plant without the sunlight but has overflowing water. The plant is me, sunlight is my growth and the overflowing water is my past. It's like I'm not able to grow or to change because it might happen again... I, as a human being, I am capable of doing mistakes. But once I learned my mistakes, hindi ko na uulitin yon and I will do my best to avoid it. But no matter what I show, now matter how I can do better on our relationship, I always lose because I'm someone that would only hurt him. And I did. Coz I gave up. The only thing that I ACTUALLY did to hurt him. Aside from his idea of me that would hurt him.

Tbh he should know better. I've been into 2 years toxic relationship. When I met him, I was expecting for safe and stable relationship. He's always been dating and talking to some girls being sweet and then if he sees 🚩🚩🚩🚩 he'll ditch that girl. Can't pursue a woman who can make mistakes while I endure the pain, the disappointments and every shit a boy made just to be with. Taas standard sa babae, kailangan perfect, kailangan di nagkakamali but can't give the world I deserve to have.

Well for the record, I should know better as well. Hahahaha. I've been in a toxic relationship, I should know what's wrong and right. I should know how to set boundaries but I can't (working on it I promise). But I'm an emotional woman who's always focusing on the pain so I didn't know. Hehe

So it's partly my fault and don't worry because I take responsibility for that thing.

But, realizing to be in a toxic relationship all over again is so draining. Wtf

Can't we just be together only for the both of us and see what it takes to work everything out?? Pain is there, it should be there. But just like storm, it will go and fade. You can look back, but never go back. Past should be the reason to be in a stronger relationship. Coz we both know better, then dapat we should treat each other better.

But I think It's not about the pain or every obstacles or being shit. Its about how courage are you to be with someone. How are you willing to give in. How are you going to stay.

Whatever it takes dude. Whatever it takes.

I'm so tired of playing games. I really don't have time for it. Sakit sa ulo isang lalake palang. And to anyone who wants to pursue me? Pass hard🙅

Ang hirap when you feel stable nakakatakot hahahaha baka biglang mawala. (i need consistency). When I feel na healthy na, i feel unstable (i need assurance). Ang hirap kasi kahit na okay, ginugulo padin ako ng thoughts ko (i need patience). Kasi alam kong anytime soon, matatapos din to. Baka inaantay niya lang uli na maubos siya. Kasi okay lang naman daw na maubos basta masubukan na maayos to. (i need commitment) And kung maayos to, anong balik? Are we still going to be happy? Is the ships ready to sail again?

Not my everyday thoughts. Nilalabas ko lang para naman I am able to express it pag napuno na ako.

Medyo kalma na ako and I don't think of this as a big deal.

Its like inhaling and exhaling. Hingang malalin is like my thoughts getting deeper and deeper and then exhale, ilalabas para kumalma ako.

Thank you nabuo ang tumblr, tinatamad ako talaga magsulat, panget pa ng sulat ko hahahah. At least dito naeexpress ko nararamdaman ko :<

[myckicade]

Mmmm, precisely. He intended to play the game, and fell head-first into, "Oh, shit." Louis feels like the biggest slap of reality that (I suspect) Lestat has had in a long time, a reminder of that which he can't control. He can kill. He can seduce. But love? Oh, no. No, love can not be kept on such a tether, not when it is him being choked by the reigns. Being Louis' maker, there is likely a pretty serious expectation of adoration from his fledgling, of love, certainly, and not necessarily with the intention of making it a two-way street (beyond those grand gestures).

The truly amusing part is that Lestat is really overthinking the problem. To use an old favourite, he's set up for a game of checkers, while Louis is ready to play chess.

I love your description of Louis as "the most human-ish vampire ever", because that is absolutely spot-on. Louis wants to be seen, to be understood. We wants something real. He isn't taken in by the superficial, and that comes across as the only card Lestat knows how to play. He can wine and dine, he can show off his wealth and status, he can be the mysterious man about town. When that fails to be what Louis needs to be happy, and it makes Louis confused and uncomfortable, there's this sense of, "...-Huh?!" Sure, Lestat eventually says he enjoys the challenge of Louis, but the novelty is quick to wear off. He's faced with it so many times, the resulting struggle to recalibrate leaves him with mental and emotional whiplash.

At some points, it really looks like he doesn't know whether he's coming or going. The argument in which Lestat screams, "This isn't a life!" strikes me, again and again. That he, Lestat, stubborn, headstrong, ever-powerful creature of the night, has been brought to tears over a situation he could have left. He's scared and hurt, stuck in the middle of a situation he doesn't seem to have encountered before, that he put himself in, and he's looking to Louis to fix it. Goodness knows he's tried and tried (and failed and failed) to make Louis happy, and Louis is the only one with the answer of how to make it work. The only one with the power to change it. He's helpless in the face of Louis' depression, and doesn't have a clue what else to try. Nights out don't work. Sex doesn't work. It's an easy thing to take personally. Unfortunately, he turns to that age-old defense: Victim Blaming. I do believe that he genuinely wants Louis to feel better, but that ego response of "Why am I not the answer?!" really, really gets in his way.

And he still has the balls to laugh in Louis' face, when Loius voices the same concern over their relationship. What a dick.

Anyway.

Lestat clearly loves Louis enough to stand beside him, and swirl down the drain with him, but he lacks the capacity for... understanding? Empathy? Patience? To continue on in silence. To some degree, I would argue that he shouldn't have to, either. Argument, within limitation, can be healthy toward working through feelings, and making one's self heard. Getting to the bottom of things, and figuring it all out. On the other side of the argument, Louis does not have to magically be better to fix the problem. I'm just being a broken record about fucking communicating.

The situation with Claudia is a repeat of the same theme, sparking the pattern I had previously mentioned. They wrap the wound (turn Claudia), forgive and forget, and move on. But, eventually, Louis' focus goes to Claudia, a stand-in (though loved) for the family he's already lost. He's once again distracted by something that isn't Lestat. He nit-picks at Lestat for his parenting choices, which, I grant you, don't look great on the surface. But, Lestat is the experienced vampire. I say again, Lestat is the experienced vampire. He knows what it will take for this girl, this fledgling of theirs to survive in the world. Every time he tries, Louis takes issue, because Louis is trying to protect Claudia from what she is. From what they made her. As with his own self-care as a vampire, he's trying to do it in halves. I think it scares him that Claudia is a killer, that she is not like him. That she will grow to resent them for what they have done to her, as opposed to for her. (And, as we've seen... Ta-da...).

But, I digress. Here's Louis, once again throwing criticism at Lestat. Resentment. Just when he thinks he's finally found the answer. After he's helped Louis to attain what he wants. After they have been doing so much better. After he's given more than he had ever intended to the man, and he's still not enough. He isn't enough to make Louis stay without Claudia. He isn't enough to make Louis happy without Claudia. Either he doesn't understand what Louis is going through, or he doesn't give a shit (which I find a little more difficult to believe), and it leaves him with a sense of inadequacy. And he looks at Claudia, and Claudia apparently holds every fucking answer that he has now spent decades trying to find. He's failed, and to a child, and part of him just seems to... give up.

Which brings me to Antoinette. Part of me thinks that, sure, Lestat runs back over to Antoinette, at whatever point, to fill the void of what he wants, but isn't getting from Louis. Someone he can please, and likely with so much ease, I can hear his ego purring from here. Someone who makes him feel wanted, and desirable, and (I'm sure) the complete opposite of helpless. The rest of me, though, also sees this affair as Lestat giving up. Said affair has gone on for all these years, and Louis obviously hasn't moved for a physical separation. The cry for attention has gone unanswered. He's tired of hunting. As you say, he recognizes himself as being in the wrong for it, because he still doesn't want to lose what they have, fucked up as it may be. It reads to me as, "Yes, I've done it. Now, are you going to fight for me? For us?"

Then, re-enter Claudia, and her attempts to take Louis away. No matter what they've been through until this point, no matter how many times Louis has threatened to end things, they are still together. They've weathered it all, for better or worse. If there has been a roadblock? Lestat has destroyed it. Quite literally, he has killed it. But, Claudia? She's a roadblock he can't go through. He can't kill Claudia. For one thing, I do believe he cares about her, much as - again - he claims he doesn't. For another, if he harms her, he will surely lose Louis for good. And, he cares about that. This isn't something he can piss on and walk away from. Louis means everything to him. Claudia is going to win, Louis is going to leave him, and Lestat has no tricks left to try. No amount of recalibration is going to fix it. He's lost, and he can't have that.

If he's going to lose anyway, he might as well become the monster he was always expected to be.

@motleystitches left me this lovely, thought-provoking comment, and I wanted to take some time to answer it throughly:

"But was there at any time genuine affection between Louis/Lestat? That’s the part I feel is really awkward. Ep 5 seems to be asking to reinterpret all the previous episodes. Yeah, it’s abusive, violent, but ep5 made it seem like *everything* was just fake to Lestat, so they never went into a “pattern” at all. instead, it was just a game/hunt to Lestat…"

First, I apologize for taking multiple days to answer this. Second, let me clarify that I will make mention of things that I feel explain each character's shitty behavior. Explanation does not equal excuse. There is simply no excusing a great deal of what has gone down here.

So, to dive right in: Yes, I absolutely believe there was - and, still is - genuine affection and love between Louis and Lestat. That love is, quite understandably, not sitting around in plain view during the events of 01x05. Things have spiraled so far out of control between the two of them - lying, cheating, manipulating - that neither party seems to like the other, all that much, right now. While this is the first time the two of them have clashed to such extremes, it is hardly their first time at-odds. Love can survive a lot, and there's something about twisted, fucked-up, these-two-should-not-be-together love that seems to lend a little extra elasticity before the break.

To look at each character, I guess I'll begin with Public Enemy Number One. When the two initially met, I would agree that Lestat was on the hunt, both vampiric and romantic. The thrill of the chase was alive and well, as I should think most beings experience when they have a goal in-mind. And, as much as Lestat tries to separate vampire from human, he is still victim to basic human nature. He wants love. He wants companionship. I just don't think he's terribly fond of the idea of that he needs it.

Lestat, if you should ask me, is a terrible liar, even to himself. This, I think, is where a lot of the manipulation comes from. It looks ugly as hell, at face value, but I think a lot of it is rooted in insecurity. He either doesn't know how, or - for my money - doesn't want to ask for the things he shouldn't need. The things he should be strong enough to do without. Things that, in the past, have probably come back to bite him in the ass. So, he comes up with other ways to get them, to entice Louis into giving him what he wants. Again, manipulation is manipulation, but I don't think it comes from a place of falsehood when it comes to Louis. He wants from Louis, but he doesn't want Louis to know that he holds that kind of power over him. Unfortunately for him, it slips out when he feels that he's faced with no other choice to get what he wants.

Monogamy is my favourite example. His assurance to Louis that other people are acceptable is so terribly, obviously transparent, only to have a complete, unsurprising meltdown in the face of Louis taking advantage of their agreement. While there is definitely bullshit to be called in the double-standard, Lestat also comes across as genuinely heartbroken. And, who could blame him? (I'm sure many could, but, I'm speaking to the heartbreak, not the actions that followed). Here is his partner, who - by said partner's own admission - has little sexual desire for Lestat, only to take up with an old friend at the drop of a hat. I can tell you from experience, that is a shitty feeling. To have your partner show no desire to do something with you (not necessarily sexual), only to be all too willing to give it a go with someone else. That said, I firmly believe that Lestat wanted to believe it would be fine with it, to know that Louis was with someone else. Otherwise, he's in it too deep. He's jealous. That jealousy and heartache become weakness, and those weaknesses can be exploited at Louis' will.

And, Louis… This is what I love about this series, is that everyone is feeling this story in so many different ways. Personally, if I was to find anyone's love to be in doubt, it would be Louis'. He's so caught up in resentment of Lestat, for turning him, for killing to survive, for all of the basic things that Lestat is... He clearly has difficulty in getting around that. Louis has a very mild way of showing affection. Granted, a great many beings in this world are not affectionate, and that is just fine. In his case, it makes sense that at least some of it comes from a lifetime of being told that his feelings were, to quote, "a crime against nature". He doesn't owe Lestat affection, and he's not obligated, but... A lack of attention doesn't tend to work very well, when paired with a needy personality. Again, I'm not saying Louis should give Lestat everything that he wants. But, he knows what his standoff-ish ways do to Lestat. There's no way that he doesn't. Threatening to leave, and then walking out, only to turn back up once his point has been made. Or, even better, when he has need of Lestat, again. (See: Claudia).

Speaking of Claudia, this is a fine example of the things Louis knows, and how best to use them to his advantage. He's far more subtle about it than Lestat, but Louis is guilty of manipulating his lover when it suits him, too. When he needs Lestat's help to save Claudia, he knows just what buttons to push. He knows that Lestat loves him, and will do anything for him. A daughter means that he'll stick around for a family. Coming to him in the first place doubles as a stroke to Lestat's ego, letting the scales of power tip to his favour for a time. Even with that, it still gets Louis what he wants. He wants to save Claudia. He wants to atone for his own sins. He wants to be a good person. And, yes, I do believe that he genuinely wants to fix things with Lestat in the same move. (Four birds, one bite).

That's where the love (and the co-dependency) shows the most. Louis wants to fix it. He cools off, and comes back around, and gives it another try. Ill-advised? Fuck, yes. But... You can convince yourself of a great many things when you're in love. Otherwise, in theory, you'd probably walk away. He knows Lestat. He trusts him, trusts in his love, and in the good of him that certainly does exist. Again, if it was all bad... Well, something attracted him in, in the first place.

Fast-forward to 01x05... Violence is definitely not the answer, but I am not one bit surprised that such is where they have landed. Lestat has lost all of his hold on Louis, in all forms, be it love, attention, or power. And, he lost him to Claudia. His weaknesses have come back to bite him, and he's doing the only thing he seems to know how to do: bite back. Biting back against Claudia, though? Wrong move. Trying to harm Claudia, the only redemption that Louis may feel he has left in the world, his child, is worse than taking on Louis, himself. There is no way Louis lets that slide, even if that means taking on an older, faster, stronger adversary. Even if that adversary is his own lover. To protect his family, yes. But, in some truly fucked up way, I feel like this is the only way Louis is going to bother to protect himself. Where this leaves them, now? It's not pretty, not by any means, but it will be interesting to find out.

That was... a lot. (And, sadly enough, I have so much more that I could add). All together, yes, I feel that there is love between them, but they suck at showing it. Love isn't their problem. They're a personality mis-match, to say the absolute least. Incompatible. These two fail at communication. They really might have benefited from a long, involved, check-your-ego-at-the-door type of a conversation. It didn't have to come to this, but no one was willing to get to the root of it. Ego. Ego, ego, ego. (Mm, I love it). This relationship feels very real, where so many other on-screen portrayals are lacking. Now? Now, the road back to love with be treacherous, if even passable, at all.

After all, Louis may have said told Lestat to let him go, but he never said he didn't love him.

P.S. This is just my opinion, and I may very well be biased. I have been in this type of relationship before. We shouldn't have been together, but we were oddly perfect for one another, and that thought still surprises the shit out of me.