#it's a half formed banjo kazooie joke

[sailahina]

He got jiggy with it, your honor.

[jumpchain-drop]

Chapter 4.1: 0.0 Years

“….aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”

SPLASH!

Ow.

“...ey… Hey… Hey…! Wake up…!”

My head was swimming as I slowly came to. I was soaked; I had washed upon a beach on a very green-looking piece of land. Various flotsam and jetsam were on the beach, though my eyes were drawn to the piece in the direction of the voice.

It was the closest, and it was a little bronze cage. Inside was a red ball of light with... fluttering wings.

“You’re awake!” came the voice from before. “You’ve been there for… I dunno how long, I was asleep when you washed ashore. Can you get up?”

“Just… give me a minute…” I got up. I don’t know why I was having trouble with this. For almost the last every ten years, I’ve been dropped roughly three times in a span of a week to a similar situation. Then again, even though I was winded after each of those, I was never hurt, and the voice said it was for his amusement. Maybe those were like… slapstick or something? I’m tangenting.

A few moments later, I got up to my feet and opened the cage door. The light inside flew out and fluttered around me joyously.

“Freedom!” it shouted. “Oh, I’ve been in that cage for weeks! I love getting to stretch my wings again!”

“You’re welcome, by the way,” I mumbled as I looked around at all the other stuff on the beach. On closer examination, there weren’t cut pieces of kelp or chunks of driftwood – they didn’t even seem to be damaged. The bottle looked the most like trash, and it had what looked like some kind of coupon inside it. Some strange red gem. A box that vaguely resembled a camera. A large shoulder bag, with the ends of apparently two scrolls sticking out, one a dull red and the other a more vibrant crimson. A fancy-looking hourglass, and a large old-looking mallet with an equally-old-looking shield right next to it.

“Oh, right, I haven’t introduced myself yet!” the ball stopped in front of me. “Thanks for letting me out! The name’s Twig! I’m a spirit of power – a fairy!”

I think I was mouthing “fairy” when it dawned on me. I turned to mouthing “Zelda” as I snapped my fingers.

I turned and looked around all my surroundings. Beyond the beach spread a vast ocean, stretching all the way to the horizon in every direction I could see it in.

Wind Waker.

I was in freakin’ Wind Waker.

“...So, are you going to tell me your name, or…?”

“O-Oh, my apologies,” I said, returning my focus to Twig. “I’m… Robert, sure, why not. Pleasure to meet you.”

“Same, Robert. You’re a weird one and really spacey, but you still rescued me, so I’m gonna stick around. So now that you’re awake, what are you gonna do now?”

“Well, for starters...” I looked around at the items that littered the beach. “I’m going to clean this up.”

“Is it all yours?”

“Knowing my life as I do, it probably is.”

“Good enough for me! I’m pretty strong, so I’ll help how I can!”

I rolled my eyes, but I appreciated the sentiment. I decided to get the bag first, for the obvious reason one gets a bag when collecting a lot of stuff.

When I picked the bag up, I found something was half-buried in the sand underneath it. “A giant scale…?”

Twig fluttered over to look at it. “I know this. This is one of the scales of the Sky Spirit, Valoo. Boy, you must be pretty mixed-up to be a Rito and not recognize it.”

“Wait, I’m a what?” I blurted out, but already my memories were stirring. I put my face to my hands and found my beak. How’d it taken me this long?

Felt my arms; no wings. Wait, were Rito wings always out? I reached for my memories of playing Wind Waker HD, but… dang, I played a lot of games just to experience them. Pokémon was something that was popular enough with me, and Banjo-Kazooie was important to my childhood (plus I had strategy guides for it), so I was able to recall details about those worlds with little hassle. But Wind Waker? I hadn’t played it until it came out on the Wii U; hell, I hadn’t played any Zelda game with anything resembling competency until the 3DS. I knew the critical path at a macro level and what each of the dungeons and bosses were, as well as the major characters, but I was drawing a blank on pretty much anything else.

“Seeing how out of sorts you are,” Twig said, “I probably need to fill you in on what should probably be obvious.”

“...Yeah, probably.” I mean, I wasn’t making any progress on my end.

“The first step to improvement is acknowledging there’s a problem.” He fluttered around the scale as he continued. “So, the Rito worship and attend to this super-old dragon, Valoo, that’s about as old at the ocean itself on their home on Dragon Roost Island. In exchange, the Rito get some of his scales. They do some kind of ritual with them, and that lets them grow wings so they can fly and get from island to island without a hitch.”

Right, that was coming back to me a little. “’Some kind of?’” I pressed.

“Hey, I don’t know everything or anything!” Twig answered, jerking up and down in an angry manner. “I have no idea how they use the scale. If you want your wings, we’ll probably have to take it to Dragon Roost Island and ask.”

“Works for me,” I said, putting the scale in the bag. Shouldering it – which was actually closer to the small of my back, but same effect – I started to pick up everything else. Twig actually wasn’t joking when he said he could help, but as he struggled to pick up the camera-box, it was clearly closer to exaggeration. I appreciate the thought.

When I picked up the hourglass, I took a moment to look it over. The sand that filled its bottom half reflected the sunlight with a beautiful gleam, looking less like sand and more like gold.

“Hey, Twig, you know anything about this?”

He fluttered around it for a bit, examining it. “I’m not sure… It feels familiar in some way, but I can’t put my finger on it. It definitely looks like a valuable treasure, though.”

“I’m kinda all about valuable treasures,” I said. “So I’m definitely holding onto it.”

It wasn’t too much longer before everything else was in there. I ruffled through everything and found that already inside the bag was the notebook. I wasn’t surprised in the slightest at this point. Like every other time, there was writing on the first page.

Layer 4:

You have ten years in this world.

Eight of your companions have been imported into native forms.

Two of your companions have landed in an alternate world. You will eventually be able to reach them.

Space will be made in the warehouse to ensure all purchased items will fit.

Entertain me.

“‘Ten years in this world’?” Twig asked from over my shoulder. “Are you sick or something?”

“No, I’m not- Wait… You can read this?”

“Yeah. Should I not?”

That was weird. As a test, I had previously shown the notebook to a couple of the Gray Jinjos, who unlike Team Firma I was certain were capable of reading English. However, they couldn’t make anything out but incomprehensibly cryptic scribbles, even the parts I had written myself – and my handwritng’s not that shit.

“No,” I answered. “I can’t explain it, but only me and a certain few people should be able to...”

Wait.

What the heck.

I just got here, I haven’t even seen a door yet, much less a locked one, and I’m pretty sure even without flawless memory I wouldn’t forget putting a fairy in a stasis pod.

“Hey, there’s more writing now!” said Twig. I looked back at the notebook.

Oh right, forgot to mention. One new companion has been chosen as able to join you without use of the stasis pod. You have the means by which to identify them. If they agree to join you, they will do so automatically.

“Oh come on, I’m not even allowed to choose my team anymore…?!” I grumbled.

“From everything you’ve said, I’m sure it’s talking about me,” Twig said. “Do you not want me, or…?”

“No, no, it’s not like that,” I said quickly. “Just… I’ve been jerked around a lot. I’ll explain more later, but… welcome to the team, Twig.”

“I won’t let you down, Robert!” His true fairy form was faintly visible in the light he admitted, and I saw him salute. “So, what’s the first order of business?”

“Well, if six of my companions are in this world, maybe some landed on this island too. Let’s go look for them.”

“Alright, I’ll follow your lead.”

“First off, any idea where we are, Twig?”

“I believe the residents refer to this place as Windfall Island. Dragon Roost is due east of here.”

“Wings are item number two. Let’s start exploring this place.”

Windfall Island is a large (for this world’s standard) and busy place, so finding stuff that was relevant information wasn’t easy. Most the Hylians – even though they don’t seem to call themselves that now – were nice enough, even though they kept assuming I was lost while trying to deliver the mail. To be fair to them, I was essentially carrying a mail bag around with me, but it made trying to figure out things that weren’t where people’s houses were a bit of a pain.

The first major bit of news I learned was that I was the second Rito on the island that no one had seen before. The first was female, a bit younger-looking than I did, but dressed in some expensive-looking clothing. She was last seen standing on the high cliff overlooking the ocean, the one with some kind of tombstone on it. For lack of better options, I decided to check it out.

I first saw her from behind when we got there. I was in more traditional – standard, I guess – Rito tunic, according to Twig. She, on the other hand, looked almost like royalty. Her body was covered with this almost form-hugging white dress. There was a short red cape flowing over her shoulders, more of a mantle than a cape, I guess. Her actual body, however, was far from mature; she honestly looked more than a little like a girl playing queen. The main things counting against this was her more-than-shoulder length hair that was mostly white but the tips were dyed red, and the halberd she was holding.

I started the uphill approach towards her. “Hi there-”

“Not another step.”

I stopped less from the command than from the sudden cold tone of it.

“...I didn’t think you would find me so quickly,” she said after a moment. “I would have put more thought into my ultimatum if I did. But I guess it’s better to rip that bandage off quickly.”

“That expression is stupid,” I blurted out. “Anyone that thinks it’s a better idea to rip a bandage off quickly doesn’t know how to take it off without uprooting more than a couple hairs underneath it.”

“I don’t think mouthing off to her is going to make her act nicer,” said Twig.

“Your new friend is right, Robert.” She started to turn around, revealing distinctive golden eyes.

“...Anita?”

“Correct.”

“...You look very nice.”

“Thank you, but flattery will not help you.”

“If she’s your friend, she’s kind of a mean one,” Twig whispered.

“Hmm, yeah...” I muttered. “She’s always been a little aloof, but...”

“It’s rude to just mutter to yourself while having a conversation,” Anita butted in.

“Doesn’t seem like much of a conversation to me,” I said. “What’s with the attitude, Anita?”

“What’s wrong with it? It’s a perfectly fine response to what’s been done to me.”

I wanted to ask what she was talking about, then I remembered Manaphy being Piddle before, as well as the idea of the two Terras that became one. I guess when you picked any arrival option besides the ones I was seemingly always shunted into, you got a background and memories to go with it. Problem was I had no idea what those backgrounds could be.

“OK,” I said. “I don’t think we’re getting anywhere like this. How about we take a deep breath, assume I’m an idiot, and you explain your perspective on this?”

“...Very well,” she replied. “But any sudden moves and I will not hesitate to strike.”

“Fine by me.”

She turned back to the cliff a little and took a deep breath of the sea breeze before facing me again. “Indeed, my name is Anita. I was born thirteen years ago on Dragon Roost Island. I’m sure even the idiot you want me to assume you are knows about their own species?”

“I know about the Rito,” I answered. “They need a scale from the great dragon Valoo to fly.”

“They also operate the mail system around the Great Sea,” Twig added. “Taking everyone’s letters and packages from the mailboxes, taking them to Dragon Roost to sort them, and then delivering them where they need to go. It’s a noble profession, and it helps connect those that can’t leave their islands.”

“Unfair, isn’t it?” Anita said suddenly. “A whole race dedicated to serving other races – and as the Korok don’t use the mail system, only the Hylians benefit. Only the line of attendants to Valoo himself do not have to undergo a mail Rito’s training. As a hatchling, I often wondered why the Rito would allow themselves to be used like this, so I dug through our history, even the parts that the chief would rather everyone not see. What I found blew my mind: the Rito didn’t always exist. Long ago, the Great Sea was a vast land, a kingdom, and living in that land was the race we once were: the Zora.”

“I’ve heard about that,” I commented. “When the Great Sea rose, the Zora tribe went onto land and evolved over time to develop wings, probably with Valoo’s help, and in turn became the Rito. Which never made sense to me – the Zora were aquatic creatures, and given the indication of ‘sea Zora,’ I was of the impression they could also live in salt water. If anything, the land turning into a sea would it make it better for them.”

“Well, despite being an ocean,” Twig spoke, “the Great Sea is remarkably hostile to intelligent life. We can still drink it after filtering, but the only ones that can live in it are the Fishmen. The occasional dumb monster get by just fine too. Any other living thing, though, can only swim in it for about thirty seconds at most before sinking like a rock, no matter how good a swimmer they may be. Almost as if the Sea itself was pulling them into its depths. Almost no one goes swimming at all anymore. Not voluntarily, at least.”

“Oh gheeze…” I winced. That was fucking terrifying to consider.

“The fairy speaks true,” Anita said, almost hugging her halberd to her. “Such a shame the Zora had to become these forms to survive. Their swimming was of great importance to them. Did you know that the Zora did not wear clothing? So dedicated to swimming they were, they wanted nothing to hold them back. They often had extra fins to give the impression of clothing. The only Zora to have clothing was the Zora king in traditional garb of red cloak, who was often extremely bloated and unable to swim anyway. I had to model my dress after the appearance of one of the past Zora queens.”

“.,.Boy, you’ve sure researched this a lot.”

“It has been my obsession.” Her eyes certainly seemed mad enough when she said it. “So much about them was washed away in the flood that created the Great Sea. So much lost… So much to discover. And once I have it all… I’ll be able to restart the old rites… and bring the Zora back.”

“Given the whole ‘ocean that hates sapient swimmers’ thing going on here-”

“Silence!” She brandished the tip of the halberd at us just only a second longer than it took to confirm I wouldn’t continue talking. “The Zora will return, I will make sure of it. No matter the cost. What cost could there be left, given I was banished from Dragon Roost for my research and for hoarding any Zora artifact I could find, including this halberd. And once they have returned, I shall be their new Queen in their gratitude. I know I will fit the role; I know that I am a reincarnation of a Zora Queen. It’s in my very soul to retrieve my people.”

Wisely, I decided to think to myself how absolutely deluded she sounded about that instead of saying it out loud.

“Or at least I thought I knew,” said Anita, her voice seeming to switch tracks entirely, “until at dawn today, when I suddenly woke up to the truth of my reincarnation. That, in a previous life, I was a monster under the ownership of an unworthy young man, and not the Queen I was sure I was. A life that I have full memories of as if I’ve lived it myself. As you might imagine, this makes me very upset. Especially at the one that I am now certain is the reincarnation of that young man.”

I could feel Twig looking at me.

“...Given my circumstances, ‘reincarnation’ might not be the right word...” I eventually said. My concern for my life was probably pretty apparent given none of what I said, well, said so.

“Regardless!” She swept her halberd in a large gesture. “While I still have my goals as the Anita I am, the Anita I was – or perhaps also truly am – has her own will to carry out, and seeing as it involves raking you over the coals, I’m inclined to go along with it.”

“Boy, Robert, your choice of friends leaves something to be desired,” said Twig.

“Shut up, Twig.” I groaned. “The hell you going on about? Why the hell would you – either of you – want to be so antagonistic?”

“Then I’ll be as clear as I can manage,” said Antia. “I’ve listened to all the stories you’ve given us inside that warehouse. You and everyone else you brought along and changed, enough accounts and evidence of the truth. You’ve been going around for three decades, doing crazy things and fighting monsters and getting treasure. Meanwhile, I’ve known you for a total of a little more than two weeks, as the fourth trainer in a row to win my Ball in a card game.”

I felt my soul wince at that. Only now, after Terra’s talk on how Pokémon view equality, did I truly realize that winning a Pokémon from a hand of poker would probably be the worst way to get a new trainer from the Pokémon’s perspective. “You don’t think I’m your equal. That’s it, isn’t it?”

“At least you have that figured out,” she replied, her words too bitter to even really be sarcasm. “I am done with being another trophy. So you’re going to prove to me that you are my equal, my way.”

“And what way is that?”

“I made a deal with the voice in the elevator,” she said. The dangerous vibe that surrounded her was the only thing keeping my temper regarding the asshole voice from shooting my mouth off. “I selected my choices towards its fulfillment. You have these ten years to show me you are worthy of my loyalty. If you don’t… I’m staying here.”

“Staying here…?” My eyes widened with the realization. “You don’t mean…?”

“I do. Your little jaunts across the universe continue without me.”

I wasn’t entirely sure how to respond to… hate? No, it wasn’t that. Pokémon didn’t broil themselves like that. She wanted me to prove myself her equal. She was challenging me. “Fine. So how am I supposed to prove myself then?”

“It’s quite simple,” she answered. “I have plans to carry out. Selfish plans that will no doubt ruin many lives in these oceans. You will have to stop me. But I’ll keep getting stronger; I don’t think you can do it.”

“If it’s a battle you want, I can give you one,” I said, getting into a fighting stance. “Right now. I’m a Pokémon too now. I’m pretty sure I could give you more than a run for your money.”

“Oh I’ve no doubt you’d win,” she said, not breaking her composure once. “Which is why you have to prove your dedication further than a mere single battle. It would not show the strength you’ve claimed to use in those two decades I slept through. No, foiling a much larger campaign is the only way. Of course, it wouldn’t surprise me if you declined, if you decided my value to your team isn’t worth the effort of taking me down.”

“...” What could I say to something like that…? Did she… really think I didn’t care…?

“But if you do truly value me… come and get me.”

And then, before I could react, she hopped backwards off the ledge.

“Anita!” I ran over to the ledge shouting, when it was crested by a large puff of red smoke as a red-and-white streak shot curving into the sky. The resulting burst of wind knocked me to the ground and sent Twig reeling into a nearby wall. By the time we recovered, she was gone.

“...OK,” Twig said, dusting himself off. “I am so out of the loop here that I’m completely off the necklace. Nothing about that made sense. What the hell is your deal? And her deal? And the general deal? And what the hell is a ‘Pokémon?’”

I was still getting my thoughts together when Twig’s interjection broke me out of my thoughts. “...Let’s get something to eat, to discuss it over. There’s a good bit to cover...”

“...So, you’re from another world where this world is some kind of game. And you weren’t always a Rito, but a human – which is like a Hylian but less pointy ears. And the voice of a jerk in an elevator because I don’t feel comfortable with the word you used is doing all this, they take you to a different world every ten years, and you use the notebook to talk to them.”

“That’s the short of it.”

“...Wow. And I thought the entire idea of this place not always being an endless ocean was farfetched. I mean, there’s the legend on the wind about the kingdom that disappeared, but I never thought we were right on top of it.”

We were – well, I was – sitting on the edge of a fountain the most town square-like spot in Windfall, eating a seaweed wrap. It took me awhile to get somewhat used to the taste of seaweed. Twig was used to it already, and had the occasional nibble from it.

I swallowed my latest bite. “If it’s ever too much for you, it’s fine if you jump ship. Wordplay not intended.”

“No, I think my curiosity insists on me sticking around. Besides, you could use my help against that girl Rito.”

“How so?”

“All we need to do is find a few gems like the one you have already!”

“The gem?” I asked. I ruffled through my bag a little before pulling out the small red gem.

“Yeah, that one!” Twig bounced happily. “That’s a Power Gem! See, you can see the mark of Power on it!”

I turned it over. Indeed, there was some wavy white mark on it.

“As a spirit of power, I can make use of these Gems!” he continued. “Once you have enough, I can absorb the energy within them, and I’d be able to grant you new strength!”

“I’m certainly going to need all the strength I can get if I’m going to win over Anita. Do you know where the others are?”

“If I knew where they were, well, I certainly wouldn’t be in my current state. I know there’s twenty altogether, but that’s it.”

I sighed. “That makes sense enough… First one of my companions goes rogue for perfectly reasonable reasons and now this treasure hunt… Not that I don’t like a good treasure hunt, but I’m feeling overwhelmed�� I really could use one of my girlfriends right about n-”

It was at that moment the second major bit of news suddenly attached itself to my face. In the resulting shouting and flailing, I fell backwards into the fountain with a large splash.

“Robert!” said the leaf-faced creature that stood in front of me. “I’ve been looking all over the island for you!”

“Personal space!” I shouted, lifting the deceptively-lightweight living branch off me. “Who are you?”

“I’m Terra!”

“Terra?!” I brought the creature back down to hug her. “Boy I’m glad to see you- OK I’d like to get out of the water now.”

During the time I was drying off, we exchanged situations and got everything sorted out. First of all, Terra was now going by the name of “Elmily,” as the Korok (a species I’m like half-sure I actively tried to ignore the existence of back home) had names derived from trees. The second was that she already had an idea of what Anita was up to already. Due to being an elevator and not a meeting hall, the voice had each of the eight imported companions come in and make their builds one at a time, and it was very generous with talking about what those before had selected. As such, she had a general idea of what everyone before her was doing, which turned out to consist of the five teammates I had prioritized. It also turned out this time the voice was deciding the starting location for each companion individually of my own, at random.

First new thing we confirmed was, far as she knew, she was the only Korok and Anita and I were the only Rito; everyone else had chosen to be a Hylian.

“If two companions landed in a different world,” she said, “one of them was probably Maria. Her location was selected to be ‘World of the Ocean King.’”

“Ocean King...” I pondered for a bit. “I think that name came up in the sequel, Phantom Hourglass. It’s certainly not in the Great Sea, I’m certain of that.”

I heard Twig mutter “Phantom Hourglass…?” but Elmily continued talking before I could respond.

“One of those after me must have gone there too. Though I’m mostly concerned with one location in particular...”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, Cody landed on Outset Isle...”

“I think that’s the tutorial island, he’ll be fine.”

“...but Bolt and Shadow landed someplace called ‘Forsaken Fortress.’ And judging by how your eyes are bugging out, my concerns are well-founded.”

With that knowledge, the matter of transportation became very important. Turned out everyone had gotten a free boat, but the non-Hylians also had a flight item – i.e. Valoo’s scale – that could be received for free by foregoing said boat. All three known non-Hylians had done so, including me, and I had no idea how to use mine. Twig wasn’t big about flying across the ocean by herself, so Elmily offered to fly her Deku Leaf across to Dragon Roost Island while the wind was blowing that way and find a local adult Rito that could help me with that while also not asking too many questions.

Before she did that, though, we came to the consensus that “Robert” really wasn’t enough of a Rito name to pass casual inspection. After a couple hours of debate and getting as much info about Rito names out of Twig as we could, we eventually settled on “Naskema.” Hopefully it doesn’t mean anything bad.

Year 1, day 2: Elmily has come back with a Rito named Quill. He’s a little surprised that someone as old as I am hasn’t already undergone gotten my wings, but true to the plan, he didn’t ask too many questions. Guess I owe him a favor or something for this? Honestly, I’m already tired of this island and want off it already. At least it has locked doors and I found enough rupees hammering down the grass to pay someone to build a doorframe for me, so it wasn’t like I was sleeping outside.

(The new plate has an icon that looks like the Triforce with the Wind Waker overlaid over it and I think I see a hint of lime green; it’s only day 2, so the colored wedge is practically invisible. As well, the only light on the roster board that’s red is Bitbit’s, so everyone else was imported, and the two Terra didn’t know the builds of were Tooty and Manaphy.

I tried calling in Bitbit like I did Shadow before to make the trip instead of Elmily, only for nothing to happen. When I demanded answers to the notebook, it replied I could only have up to eight active companions by default. That sucks, missing a flyer in this setting, but there’s not really anything I can do about it.)

In the intermediate time, I more examined my belongings and found that the two scrolls in the bag are treasure maps! X marking spots and everything! Spots that are all in the ocean. I’m certainly not going swimming in the Psychonauts death water, but surely a sea-faring society such as this has access to some kind of salvage mechanisms that could be used.

Quill’s getting the necessary things set up in the other room now. Hopefully this will be quick and painless.

Year 1, day 8: THIS WAS NOT QUICK AND PAINLESS

I AM NEVER GROWING WINGS EVER AGAIN

[thegnasticious]

Single vs. Multi-player

I’ve been playing games since I was about 5-10 years old and one of my biggest debates still is whether single-player is more pertinent than multi-player. This debate can factor down to multiple things, such as what a person might be entertained by and if they really want to play with others or what is AI. Having great experiences with games such as Banjo Kazooie, Zelda, Mario, Castlevania, Megaman, Sonic and many more, I have played and beat some of the best. These early titles without the capability of internet had a capacity in the single player to sometimes last for weeks of gameplay, depending on developer/difficulty. Nowadays this element is completely lacking. Having just reached a 100% in Red Dead Redemption 2 I’ve realized yet again a stark reality of the modern evolution of games. The single player is to be flat out, passed a story perspective, boring. As much as it entices me to return to a game, without much reasoning, it quickly becomes only recreation when there is no element of challenge. If you contrast this element to early single player games, you realize everything they were doing then to milk playtime with little content is the challenge that established some of the quips that drive the still existing franchises today. 

Then you have games like Dark Souls. Games that are relentlessly brutal and use the power of AI, gambling and self-greed against the player. Many have accused Dark Souls of being Masochistic. Having survived and beaten all three core games, I have to say the game does test even a seasoned player’s patience. The enemies are ahead of your moves and some such as the mushroom men can single handedly fuck your game up for a good hour or so in as little as a moment. A big part of Dark Souls that holds similarity to RDR2 is how much of the game is initially unexplained. Much of this leads to one googling half of the game’s progression and depending on the game’s content this can either be a chore or a pleasure. Much of what I’ve discovered in postgame Rockstar games, Assassin’s Creed and some others is what devolves into a collect-a-thon that sometimes is very time consuming and somewhat stressful in a sense of boredom. The poignancy of these games seems to break down without driven narrative in Lamen’s.

I find it interesting that games try to emulate hunting/fishing. Some do it well and some expose the improbable nature of a digital hunting environment by either making animals too easy and/or hard to find. Yet again another element that if reduced to old gameplay mechanics could find substantial improvement. Being a big element of RDR2, it unfortunately means that if you can’t stomach the many skinning and gutting animations, you might never progress to the game’s official completion. That being said, a game that lacks varied and diverse enemies as well as ones that aren’t killable sets up post game, what is a hunting simulator. For this reason I desperately hope RDR2 decides to develop single player over multi player, introducing some sort of enemy element that doesn’t just die. Zelda had surprisingly good but simple fishing, Final Fantasy has recently done a decent take on it as well that stands as decent. I would like to see more hunting/fishing in future games but it would be good if it didn’t seem to compromise the majority of the end game as it does in Red Dead. 

Now to bring up the point of Red Dead. Depending on when you discovered Red Dead one recognizes it as either Redemption or Revolver. Having played both, I am still waiting for an acknowledged and sensible crossover of the games, though none has been officially made. I originally 100% redemption in hopes of a crossover reveal and also my own self made theory. Neither happened, but I feel obligated to explain what could of been possible. Back in the day when Banjo Kazooie was first released it had a strange coding for Stop N’ Swop items that was previously unknown to most players. Upon opening this code it was discovered that it was implementation for a certain string of hidden items unlocking stuff from Banjo Kazooie to the follow-up, Banjo Tooie. In vain hopes I had hoped that Rockstar discovered such a thing and would open up the alien ships/UFO’s in GTA 5 from the ships in RDR2(spoiler sorry) allowing the player to port(abduct) Arthur into GTA 5 before he dies, and allowing a crossover reward that would wrap up eggs from both games, after joint 100% completion ( i.e. you have unlocked John Marston). 

This would assuringly be the beginning of wrapping up GTA 5′s online that will be encompassed by GTA 6 and hopefully allow the player to port their online earnings/vehicles/weapons into single player with a final patch. In a weird way the developers owe this to the hardcore fanbase, if they could just stop making a damn joke out of it and do it one night, maybe the jetpack conspiracists can actually find something and many of them would be disappointed by an actual solution, which makes it all the better. I would assume the UFO’s will then serve as a place to switch characters in the single player once 100% is achieved. This is all again, theories and wishful thinking.

Overall games that challenged me I still remember and play the most. Games such as Crash Bandicoot, Geometry Wars or even Pocket Tanks I still play for various forms of entertainment. My favorite form of games is unfortunately the least currently explored, RTS and Sim hybrids. They are usually the most time consuming games and with current capabilities of next-gen systems I’ve been waiting for a good replacement to Command and Conquer: Renegade or Red Alert 1+2. Unfortunately Westwood has all but dissolved and the best hopes for a decent console RTS still lies in a Starcraft port, that I still have my fingers crossed for. I would personally love seeing a Black and White 1 or 2 port, or new one altogether, but this would yet again require the resurrection of a now dissolved company (Lionhead).

It seems that in modern games the ones I find the most entertaining and memorable are alike to the current Destiny formula (though I love Bungie, I still haven’t jumped on the Destiny bandwagon) which features a hybrid of single and multi-player. This is also alike to Dark Souls which basically hosted it’s multiplayer through single player. This formula seems to be taking nods from MMO developments and in my opinion that is a good direction. Genres are supposed to evolve into new areas as the games develop and eventually reach a level where they can be considered non-linear creations. Some FPS hybrids have started delving into Counter-Strike territory which is a good sign. I have yet to see anything like Command and Conquer: Renegade on the consoles though. Once the player becomes more concerned then just with what they are shooting at, they realize the bigger game within the game. Almost every game could benefit with some form of resource gathering/management, and there isn’t a modern game that doesn’t have some sort of unlock tree, none of these things came from Goldeneye. This isn’t to say shooting isn’t important, but rather a synthesis of elements to make a game have longevity. 

Best Single-Player: Black & White

Best Multi-Player: Command & Conquer: Renegade

Best RTS: Command & Conquer Red Alert 2 Yuri’s Revenge

Best Shooter: Halo (Bungie)

Best Adventure: Red Dead Redemption 2

Best Sim: RCT2

Best Sports: NFL Blitz

Best Fighting: Tekken 3 

[jumpchain-drop]

Chapter 3.31: 6.91 Years

Year 7, day 333: Humba has contacted us. The posters for the ad on the milk carton have finally managed to respond. A letter was delivered to her with a meeting location where the tip could be heard: Witchyworld’s Crazy Castle Stockade, a week from now right after the park closed. Come alone, it said.

Define “alone,” assholes.

Year 7, day 334: We have one chance at this. If they’re having the meeting to get the tip on Tooty, they wouldn’t probably bring all their gear and potions to bear like they did in the raid on Spiral Mountain. However, it was very unlikely that all of them would show up to just get some information, and it definitely wouldn’t be the boss. If these guys were that stupid, they wouldn’t have evaded the underground for so long.

The detaining of the entire Police force, I had to remind myself, was the ideal outcome. Ultimately, what mattered was that we got the contract targeting Tooty canceled.

Today I got Banjo, Kazooie, and Jamjars briefed on the news. There are a lot of preparations to make.

Year 7, day 340: Dilberta walked nervously into the Stockade surrounding the massive yellow bouncy castle. The sky on the inside was still painted in daylight, but with most of the lights off it looked anything but.

A henchmen was there, in the back. Not as bulky as Klungo, but by no means skinny.

“You the one that knowsss where girl bear isss?” he asked. “Better have come alone, or I’ll have to sssmash you...”

“P-Please don’t…!” she stuttered. “I-I’m the one that called, a-and there’s no one else with me…!”

“Ssso I sssee… Then ssstart talking before I-”

And then I, from my hiding place underground, Dug a hole under him and pulled him down to his shoulders.

“We got him we got him!” Bitbit squawked from his perch at the top of the bouncy castle where he had been hidden since noon.

“You tricked me!” he yelled at Dilberta as he struggled to escape my sinkhole, but she was already scampering away home, as we agreed, and the rest of us were around him in moments.

For a drill sergeant, Jamjars is one mean interrogator. Having Kazooie and Bitbit around to peck his head didn’t hurt either. Well, it didn’t hurt us.

The gun was the most junior of the ten mercs that make up the Police. Only about five of them were Klungo-brand; the rest were various other animals, including the chief whose identity he didn’t know, he swore. The chief chose the jobs, and was the only one that would be able to enforce a cancel.

He did, however, know the current location of the Police hideout; a warehouse in the far outskirts of the Quagmire.

I left Jamjars and his team to gift-wrap the guy for the underground. I took mine, along with Banjo and Kazooie, and we went to catch a few quick winks before the big showdown.

Year 7, day 341: Seeing as fighting nine guys armed with weapons and numerous potions on their home turf when four of them managed to hold us (without B-K) to a standstill was the stupidest idea since Canary Mary (fuck Canary Mary), we opted for the stealth approach to their hideout. Terra, Piddle, Bitbit, Shadow, Banjo, Kazooie, and I went in in the early morning hours, but not quite at dawn because Witchyworld closes pretty dang late.

The Police weren’t locked and loaded, mostly cleaning their weapons with some chatter about how the guy probably should’ve been back by now. I didn’t like the vibe; they were suspicious and not in any way off-guard, like the consummate professionals they were.

I pulled the team back outside. “I don’t know how to say this, guys, but I’m certain in a straight-up fight, we’d be completely destroyed.”

“Just let me Wonderwing through the lot of them!” said Kazooie. “They can’t be any harder than Beaker Boy.”

“You didn’t have to fight upwards of five ‘Beaker Boys’ at once before,” I said. “Sorry, Kazooie, but we’re gonna have to go with plan B. Terra, you have the stuff I talked to you about earlier?”

A couple minutes later, I knocked on the warehouse door.

“Hey, I come in peace.”

It’s terrifying having more than one giant knife pointed at you. I kept my hands where they could see them.

“Who’re you?” one of them asked.

“Hmm, you look a little familiar...” said another. Now that I think of it, I was a Sandslash for pretty much that entire original fight so long ago. My pangolin form was visually distinct enough that, at least for these brainiacs, one wasn’t immediately connected to the other.

“What do you want?” the third asked. “You better not be with the underground; they’ve given usss nothing but trouble lately.”

“I assure you, I’m not with the underground.” Officially, I added in my head. “I just need to talk with your boss about something important.”

“We’sss not just sssome band of mercs, dillo-boy,” the second said, which made my temper spike a good bit. “We’sss the Rubbisssh Character Policcce. We have channelsss for ssstuff like thisss if you want sssomeone rubbissshed.”

“Now hold on there, blokes.”

That voice came from an approaching figure in the back. Emerging from the shadows was a sizable looking stoat, almost a Banjo and a half tall at full height.

“Name’s Breakline,” he introduced himself. “Breakline the Boss. I’m the chief of this here Police. And if you sought us out so badly you came directly to us, well then, you must really need us.”

“Come on, chief, can’t we just rubbisssh him a little…?” one of the others whined.

“Hey, what do I tell you?” Breakline replied. “We don’t rubbish anyone for free, not even if we want to. You’re going to have to pay for it, and we don’t take credit.”

The merc just growled.

Breakline turned his attention back to me. “So, I hear you have something important to talk to me about. So speak up before I start charging you for my time.”

“I understand that you have a job out on my friend,” I said, trying my best to not let the sizeable stoat intimidate me. “One female bear named Tooty.”

“I think I remember someone by that name that got away,” he replied. “But so what? Why you bringing up something that ain’t nothing to do with you?”

By now, I had a good handle on the value of a Note. For example, each of those ten Jinjo plushies were roughly 18 inches tall and had cost 5 Notes each. A plushie of that size on my world would be about $20, so a Note was about equal to $4, a value that held in comparison to other items whose Earth prices I remember. By that logic, the 20-Note silo trips cost $80, which seems ludicrous, but those silos were meant to evade witches, magical detection, and all other sorts of things. They were not cheap to maintain, and were the primary way for the underground to fund itself as far as I knew. Not to mention vehicle parts in Showdown Town could (would?) run into 40 Notes and higher pretty easily.

So I knew the full weight of what I was about to say.

I looked Breakline square in the eye. “I will pay you 300 Notes to cancel that contract.”

Silence filled the air, and then all at once, almost everyone shouted and exclaimed in complete shock and disbelief, even my teammates that were hiding nearby in case things went wrong. The only one that didn’t was Terra, as I cleared the amount with her first this time. I had originally planned to spend 500, but she talked me down.

Well, Breakline didn’t react with shock either. Instead, he stared at me. I’ve played enough poker to know why; he was sizing me up, seeing if I was bluffing. It was a little freaky, but paled in comparison to the terror from being around an embodiment of nightmares.

And then suddenly, he burst into laughter, as if he just remembered a really funny joke.

“Oh man. You’re serious, kid. Tell you what, the entire Spiral Mountain gig was only worth 200 to us! And I hate having that sword over my head! Looking for years and never able to pin her down! I’d be glad to get rid of it! You got the money?”

Slowly, to avoid setting of the jumpy and clearly more vicious mercs (of course, Breakline had to keep them in line with more than money somehow), I pulled a smallish sack of Notes from my backpack and tossed them to him. He held the bag for a while, giving it a few tosses, as he gauged the weight before peeking inside.

“You just keep on surprising me, kid.” I didn’t feel like telling him I was like twenty-seven. “You hang tight and let me sort this out. And don’t you blokes be causing any trouble for the customers, or I’ll cut your pay and SUPLEX YOU TO THE DARK SIZE OF THE MOON!”

I covered my ears quickly as Breakline suddenly roared like a wild animal just long enough to finish his sentence before snapping back to his original demeanor. His employees flinched significantly.

“N-Not a problem, chief…!” one of them said.

“I thought not.”

And so Breakline went back deeper into the warehouse. The other mercs stopped aiming their weapons at me, but mostly kept a perimeter up to keep me from following him.

The wait was excruciating and quite odorous, but eventually he came back.

“OK, your friend is off our to-do list,” he announced. “And if any of my blokes try to bother her again, they know what’s coming, don’t they?” He gave them a massive stink-eye for a moment.

“Y-Yesss, chief...”

“Fun fact: I have them call me that because the droning when they said ‘boss’ took forever to stop. Anyway, pleasure doing business with you.”

“A pleasure as well,” I replied. “Say, if I may ask, who made the contract on her in the first place?”

“Well, since you made my day and I watched him die, I’ll tell you free of charge,” said Breakline. “You know that really fat witch that used to live on the mountain?”

“Blobbelda, yeah.”

“It was her cat.”

“...Huh. Didn’t see that coming.”

“Yeah, surprised me too. Cats are tricky types. Way too quiet, they are.”

I dismissed myself from their company and headed back. I reconvened with the others in front of Grunty Industries, as we planned if they didn’t need to come out.

Year 7, day 345: I managed to pass the news to Tooty today. She was actually a little disappointed, as she wanted to kick their butts. Banjo was with us, and he could tell that she was still happy she didn’t have to hide anymore. She, in returned, noted that he had been gaining a good bit of weight.

With who she was hiding from no longer a problem, she was free to go, but she volunteered to keep going for a few more years. “I’m not tired of this adventure yet!” Her leave time would still be increased significantly.

I’ll have to remember to get in on some of that.