#it's OK though<3 it's always been super interesting 2 me and not having the academic stress around it keeps it sooo fun and cute

[sevicia]

danteee i know u dont talk a lot about what u study specifically cuz reasons but can i ask why did u choose to do physics / coding stuff? somehow i feel theres some correlation with ur ability to play master mode on pjsekai

KYA (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠) I chose to do coding stuff cause I genuinely enjoy doing it and the classes where it's the sole focus are always my favorite<3

There's just something about like... getting it Right that is so satisfying because it really feels like I'm making friends with my computer<3 I genuinely love the fact that you have to be very precise and thoughtful in your instructions in order for things to work right. It's the kind of communication I wish was everywhere 24/7 like OMG... we understand each other.....

I also love getting to see it work in the same way I assume animators feel when they see their hard work move on the screen. I've made super small, simple gifs very sparsely in my time but it's the same feeling. It makes me sad that others can't seem to get it and look at me all confused when I'm raving about a computer doing things they take for granted because it's not just A Computer doing something "simple", it's years and years and years of hard work by people who are passionate about what they do. They were probably jumping up and down and cheering for joy and now people just say "well, of course it can do that".

Besides being a chronic "My computer is my friend :D" type guy, I also chose this instead of anything art-related because of the obvious economic insecurity factor but also because creative work just takes up so much more brainpower imo. There's just so much more thinking involved when it comes to getting people to see what you want them to see because you're not creating something for a hard-set purpose (even if it's silly). A book can mean a million different things to a million different people, but a calculator is just an aid for everyday life (for most people). Also, I just really hate the thought of not being able to make the things I want to make just because they won't pay well or appeal to a broad-enough audience to be considered "worth making". It's one of the reasons Terrifier's success makes me so happy.

OK ramble over #SORRYYY I just love my computer even when she bites me and hates me. on account of the storage space warning I choose to ignore....

[avo-kat]

hello everybody, welcome to 101 reading comprehension.

this is a beginner class, but i will be using real-life examples for demonstration. not to worry! all examples are light-hearted just so everybody can get used to the work!

today we have a message posted on a subreddit called “today i learned”, which contains other posts of simple little facts people have learned, most accompanied with a source.

now, for the first screenshot:

now, as you can see, wikipedia was used as a source for this work.

please work on the following questions on your own, after which i will present a second screenshot with additional information.

1. what do you think of mastick’s accomplishments?

2. what do you think about the regulation banning him from lab work?

3. how does the source of this information influence your decision into accepting it?

4. are you curious to learn more about this or are you satisfied with the summary?

alright, heres the second screenshot:

some more questions:

1. do u feel a bit silly now? did you assume mastick had been banned because he tasted plutonium out of curiosity?

2. do you feel deceived? do you feel bad about not checking the source for yourself?

3. are you disappointed that plutonium didnt have a funny taste?

okay, i have some extra credit too, for those interest, just a few fun questions, totally not required!

1. how do u feel about the framing of the first set of questions? did u think mastick went abroad to receive a phd or found some other kind of loophole? do physics phds even work at a lab?

2. i used the word “regulation” because the summary only refers to “ban”, but makes no effort to explain what kind of ban it was, meaning the reader has to make their own interpretation. do you think OP formed the sentence with malicious intent?

3. would you have double checked the information if it was not from wikipedia? did you automatically trust it being true? do you know realize that while wikipedia is sourced, the OP may have framed the information in any way they liked?

4. are you now more inclined to check sources yourself? or are you now merely more likely to check out the most top voted comment of a post?

5. would you check any other comment to that post?

ok im just joking and pls dont @ me for my shitty questions i didnt do any kind of academic work in english. it just amused me when i checked reddit out of boredom, saw the post, wondered how plutonium tasted like and looked at the top comment because i knew it would answer that question. then i saw the clarification and was annoyed at myself.

i usually do check out the top comments, because im aware people online ALWAYS pull this shit. the prevalence of 1-headline-news, where nobody reads articles anymore is doing so much fucking damage to public discussions. wether on reddit or tumblr, i always look at replies, though i admit i rarely bother to check the source for myself unless im super curious.

always, always, always question what other people tell you and how they do it. even if its seemingly innocent shit.

[dreaming-of-assclass]

Hey! I think this question might be kinda dumb LOL but I'm new to your blog and I saw you referring to groups? Like Group 1-4? I'm assuming that they're the cliques of Class 3-E that have been categorized, but if you could explain it to me I'd appreciate it! Like is this official or mainly decided by the fandom, and if it's fandom-made, how did the groups get decided on? I'm curious! Thank you in advance 💕

Hi!! Omg no problem at all! And welcome to my blog!! I hope you’re enjoying it so far UwU 💕

The groups 1-4 are based off the groupings of students in the Kyoto Trip episodes. But they’re like the general friend groups of 3-E anyways, even if there are a lot of overlaps still.

So yeah it’s canon haha, but every group is very endearing to the fandom. Some have their favorites and like to focus on a certain group, like me for example. I always talk about how Group 4 are my babies. I’d say the group I see content of the most on tumblr is probably 3 or maybe 2.

Now here’s the fun part hehe. I wanted to make a post like this a while ago and now I get an actual chance.

The (Unofficial) Guide to Friendship Groups in 3-E

Group 1: Isogai, Kataoka, Maehara, Okano, Kimura, Kurahashi, Yada

I always associate this group with being the “popular kids” although that’s not super curious

They’re the closest to being that type of group. But really, I’d say they’re just the friendliest and most...proactive group? They’re assertive and make plenty of plans/ideas for assassinations.

They’re close with each other as like a clique, but all of them hang out with a fair amount of the class, especially the girls.

I feel like...the class reps, Maehara, and Okano are closer...and then Yada and Kurahashi tend to branch off more and hang with other people too.

Kimura is sort of the odd one out ngl, and it’s canon that he hangs out more with other guys in the class. But he sits near most of Group 1, so who’s to say they’re not close, right? He seems to be tightest with Okano and Yada, and he crushes on Kurahashi hehe.

Oh yeah. This group is made of some of the top athletes in the class. Physically, they’re def the strongest imo. We love the jocks

Group 2: Chiba, Hayami, Okajima, Sugaya, Mimura, Nakamura, Fuwa, Ritsu?

Mostly made up of background kids, but nonetheless entertaining

The Artsy Kids™️

They’re scattered across the middle of the classroom but seem to sit near each other generally. I’d say their shared interests bring them closer though

I compare this group to like a standard friend group I’d see in school. They’re like the squad who sticks together from freshman year until past graduation haha.

The boys alone are my favorite part of this group lmao. They’re just chaos, and I love that they had a pre-established friendship from 2nd year, then Mimura fits right in UwU

Art trio kind of have their own thing going on ofc. And Fuwa interacts with them. Chiba is besties with them. We have sniper duo. What’s nice is that 90% of the group has been showin interacting and having friendships. That sadly can’t be said for some others T_T

I’d say the odd ones out are Nakamura and Ritsu lmao. The former doesn’t have a ton of moments or established friendships, and she’s not particularly artsy. And Ritsu...I can’t remember how she joined lol.

Ngl I think this group has the most interesting and creative talents and ways that they contribute to assassination. But they’re generally more supporter types, the ones who hype up the assertive kids.

Group 3: Terasaka, Hazama, Yoshida, Muramatsu, Hara, Itona, Takebayashi

We have the delinquents squad~ No just kidding, I think of them as just the ones who don’t fit in as well in the setting

They took the longest to get used to the class and get along with everyone

They look tougher than they actually are honestly. Muramatsu and Yoshida are soft punks. Terasaka is a big teddy bear deep down, etc.

I think they have the tightest bond amongst all the friend groups. Like...they’re basically a mini found family in 3-E lmao. They’ve been through a lot together, and just are super close.

They immediately open their arms to Itona and take them in after his whole...um, situation. He’s basically the baby of the group lmao.

Hara is of course the Mom Friend but I like to think she’s less so with this group. They treat her more like a close friend rather than someone who needs to take care of them.

Terasaka is their leader just for face. Hazama is the badass who’s actually running things. She has the one braincell always.

Takebayashi is an on-off member for me ngl. I think he’d hang out with them a lot outside of school, and see them as his close friends. But in school, he’s most likely to branch off and hang out with other kids.

A pretty skilled group, nice balance of talents. Almost all of them can cook extremely well, holy shit.

Group 4: Karma, Sugino, Nagisa, Kanzaki, Okuda, Kayano

MY BABIES! My precious children. I unashamedly have such a bias for them.

Ok so...every other group I mentioned so far have a lot of stuff in common, pre-established friendships, close seating, etc

Group 4 has like...none of this lmao.

They’re the wild cards of the class. How did they even get together as a solid group oh my god

I mean...basically Nagisa, Sugino, and Kayano got close by sitting together. Nagisa invited Karma, an old friend. Sugino invited Kanzaki, his crush. And Kayano invited Okuda out of friendliness. And from there...

They are the group of hidden talents/“blades” and I love them for it.

What’s nice about this group in contrast to the others is that it’s clear the guys are tight, and the girls are very close, and it’s decently mixed. They’re just so adorable.

The type of group who don’t hang out as often in class...but would go on a random train trip on the weekends if they’re all free.

They’re spontaneous, ok?

Made up of academic nerds, except for Sugino, but it’s ok. We still love you

I hope this helped a bit, sweetie!! Welcome again to the blog 🥰

[emersonfreepress]

okay so is there content that you had planned for the ROs and story in general but then scrapped cause there wasn’t a good place in the story to stick it in? and if so, can you share what it was? 👀 👀 👀

yes, definitely. *rubs hands together* oh man, you done asked THE question today xD I can't wait to get into this 😁

Academics. I almost decided to have classes and grades be a minor part of gameplay, but the more time I spent designing it the more I realized I wanted nothing to do with it 😂 I haven’t really enjoyed academic gameplay in other interactive fiction because I 1) hate having to choose between studying and interacting with awesome characters, 2) have terrible short term memory, and 3) hate school in general!! So instead I just opted to have the MC be really good at school, point blank period so I could focus on social drama and relationships instead! 😆

Physical skills. I spent literal months crafting the catering scene around setting up stats for stamina/endurance, dexterity, and strength instead of just magnetism, confidence, and persuasion. They had their own backstories with the MC’s parents being overly invested sports parents instead and I think the background choices were like... martial arts, gymnastics, and track? But yeah, I ended up scrapping it all because I was spending hours on research about those individual sports so I could integrate them into the MC’s narrative organically but like... when I tried to think of what use they would be in the actual story, I came up blank. Best decision yet, esp since it means a lot less coding!

Skin tone customization. For one, I noticed that a lot of my favorite IFs don’t offer that customization and it hasn’t impacted my experience at all. For two, I originally realized I might as well not implement it since I am striving real hard not to introduce any customization that won’t actually be mentioned in interesting or meaningful ways in-story. I don’t think it’s really all that common for real life friends (esp in high school?) to comment or compliment each other’s skin and like... when it comes from someone who doesn’t share a similar complexion or ethnic background, that type of commentary gets... d i c e y. So then I wanted to be sensitive to that but what’s the pay-off? An RO mentioning how they love your skin tone once? Awkward sentences with the MC referring to their own skin color? Idk, just wasn’t vibing with it. I’m open to revisiting it in beta or something but for now it’s scrapped.

Singing, Rapping, and Gaming as Hobbies/Talents. I feel bad about scrapping these, honestly 😂 They’re great and I really wanted to incorporate them but it just came down to already having a lot of stuff to code. Plus, I know I can write the Hobbies/Talents I stuck with far better. And for Book 2 purposes, as well!

Leo. as @sourandflightypeaches ​​ asked me about a long while ago, I had to scrap an entire RO 😢 His name is Leo, he was the nephew of wealthy west African diplomats residing in Emerson, and I love him dearly! His backstory was largely based on my mother’s childhood and the circumstances she lived through after immigrating to America. and... ok, i’m about to go on one hell of a tangent so buckle up and bear with me if you can 😅

my intention with this story, aside from writing things that I personally enjoy (graphic violence, spooky woods, social drama, romance, conspiracies 😚), is to explore greed, wealth, and how the ways people and families interact with those two things influence young people and who they grow up to be. here i go sounding pretentious af 😝 and here’s where I apply a cut for those who want to preserve a little mystery to the main characters!

With Gabe, we’ve got someone who grew up with very little stability or financial security but who has found unscrupulous methods to gain status and money, with both noble and selfish motivations.

Kile has some of that childhood experience in common with Gabe, having been in the foster care system since infancy, but they lucked out when they were adopted into massive wealth by a caring, loving couple—a couple that uses their wealth and privilege to be far more lenient and protective of Kile than is actually reasonable or responsible.

Jack comes from a prestigious wealthy family on his dad’s side who he loves dearly but there’s no getting around the fact that they love him back as much as they despise his working class mom.

Jessie is a spoiled sweet heiress (being the baby of her family and the only girl) and while she lives blissfully ignorant of the harmful source and impact of her father's income and career, she bears the weight of the expectation to fulfill very traditional gender roles, including her behavior and appearance, but also extending to her career and life plans.

Rain's wealth led to them growing up sheltered and isolated but also extremely accommodated, giving them maximum freedom and opportunity to discover and develop their personal talents and interests. However, they have almost no positive relationship with their parents who have essentially decided to give up on a kid that couldn't be exactly the accessory they tried to mold them to be—both in terms of their identity and personality.

Rupan/Rohan, at their very core, rejects everything about conformity, self-importance, and excessive luxury—which means they have never, ever truly fit in with their peers. Going full non-conformist, however, has resulted in them becoming alienated from much of their family, as well, despite them all loving each other very much. Their history with false friends and betrayals has led them to over-indulge in their vices and reckless behavior to compensate for that isolation. Sometimes, they just get in over their head and many times, they know better. Every time, it's just that the feeling of finally belonging is utterly intoxicating.

Vivian/Vincent has two extremely successful parents who didn't inherit but instead built up their wealth and they aspire to be just like them, to a degree that is well and truly unhealthy. Their mother specifically is an over-achiever and applies mountainous pressure for them to follow in her footsteps, especially academically. Vi is completely capable of achieving what their mom expects of them, but they were already an extremely sensitive perfectionist so this has made them intensely critical of themself. This is a large part of why they are such a rigid, no-nonsense person and that in turn has made them one of the most disliked people among their peers—which is a huge personal failure to them since their father is a very well-liked and socially successful person in town.

And the Emersons are peak privilege: inherent high social status, brains, looks, charisma, athleticism, and massive wealth. They could never have been anything less than extremely popular, just by virtue of their last name and the nature of the town's social dynamics and politics. And they do enjoy that privilege (esp Curt lol). However, it should go without saying that being so high profile, even (or maybe especially) just in the isolated scope of your hometown, isn't always a boon. Their family's and their own perceived failings are widely discussed and privately mocked and/or celebrated. Real friends are scarce while fake ones and snakes are plentiful. Plus their dad is a gigantic dickhead who sees his kids as extensions of his own status and reputation and not much else. Public shortcomings make for an unbearable time at home and the world outside the estate is at once overly accommodating, full of assumptions, and even subtly hostile at times—all unrelated to their own actions or character.

And with the MC, I think the narrative will make it clear there are several ways that story can go. You start off with irresponsible parents that have lost their wealth due to their own mismanagement and material ambitions—how that affects any individual MC should differ based on choices and consequences!

So why bring any of that up when I was supposed to be talking about my cut OC? 😂😂

Leo was going to be the unwelcome recent addition to his uncle’s household, the son of a brother his aunt hates for (petty af) Reasons, and she took that resentment out on him directly by restricting his access to nearly every aspect of the family's wealth. Especially material goods and living conditions. He was basically treated like the help, tasked with playing nanny for his many younger cousins and burdened with doing the homework and providing academic cover for his dumb as rocks cousin in the same grade as you all. To sum it up, he was basically a victim of trafficking at the hands of his own family with his uncle out of town enough to feign ignorance to how bad his wife was treating his nephew and his aunt going out of her way to keep him busy, at home, and isolated. This is sadly a super common form of trafficking in Francophone African cultures (although I don't think most people view it as trafficking. and I’m sure the same is true of other cultures but I don’t want to speak outside of my purview). And like I mentioned above, it’s how my own mom's (and idek how many cousins') child/teenhood went.

It’s a perspective on modern wealth, privilege and greed that I really, really wanted to tell. I am confident in saying it hasn't been explored in interactive fiction yet (though correct me—and direct me 👀—if I'm wrong) and out of all the wealth/greed explorations I came up with, it's the one I have the closest personal ties to and the strongest feelings about. The characters and plans I had for it were detailed and I'm proud of them but at the end of the day... I just couldn't find a place for Leo in the story at large.

Leo was, in fact, the last main character I came up with, when I had already designed and fleshed out the larger story and started crafting the timeline of major events. I think the worst thing I could have done for a story and perspective that I care about this much is shove it into a plot that didn't have room for it at the very base level, regardless of how well the character or his story is written. Shoe-horned characters always stick out. I didn’t want to disservice Leo by having him be the character that did nothing or could be removed from the main plot without affecting it at all, y’know? That’s so much worse than just forgoing the indulgence, imo :((

ugh.... Leooooo 😭 I'm so sorry bb, I failed youuu 😥

[radicalposture]

Hey, so were you diagnosed with autism/adhd as an adult? If you don't mind me asking, was that difficult to achieve? I'm 25, and I've often thought I might have adhd, but I've held off on looking into it because I hear it's extremely difficult and expensive to get it tested and diagnosed as an adult.

yes I only got diagnosed last october, I was 25 then too! it was kind of a weird journey for me, all of my siblings and my dad got diagnosed with autism or adhd one after the other and I was still saying “but I can’t really be autistic/adhd” right up until I actually got diagnosed lol. but since then my whole life suddenly makes sense for the first time and I really think things are gonna be ok! this applies to autism/adhd/other neurodiverse stuff but autism and adhd is what I know, but I hope it applies broadly as well

so unfortunately yes, it can be pretty expensive to get through the whole process. depends on where you live of course, I live in Ireland so even though we do have public healthcare I would probably have been on a waiting list for upwards of two years to see a terrible psychologist who didn’t know anything about adhd/autism so I went to a private psychologist. I already knew her pretty well bc my siblings had been to her and I knew she knew what she was talking about and I felt comfortable with her. seeing her cost me around €900 which is definitely a lot, different psychologists have different rates but the price can go up depending on what tests u get done. the more tests you do the more expensive it will be as a general rule (at the same time I saw a different psychologist who had a lower flat rate so idk what the “rules” are about this tbh) I got a standard assessment as well as autism and adhd tests which is why it was so expensive. it used up pretty much all my savings lmao but after getting a diagnosis I was able to apply for disability allowance (which was a hellish process) and I got rejected and had to appeal the decision but I got it in the end, which is fortunate bc I quit my job lol.

recently I wanted to look into medication so I had to go to a psychiatrist because you can’t get a prescription for stimulant medication from a gp in most countries I think? BUT he’d only see me if I got rediagnosed by his psychologist, so that was another €300 for each of them. I did get prescribed ritalin in the end but I’ll have to get the prescription refilled a few times a year bc it’s a restricted medication, which will mean paying €100 ish for each time I do. fortunately I don’t actually have to pay for the medication itself bc I have a medical card.

so yes, it can be expensive! all told it’s cost me almost €2000 to get it all sorted and will keep costing me maybe €300 a year from now on, so it’s definitely something you have to budget for. especially depending on where you live, I imagine things are v different from country to country. also I’m very fortunate bc I still live with my family so I’m free of some financial pressure and I’d been saving for it for a while but I know how hard it is to countenance paying out that kind of money, and wondering whether it’s worth it.

as to whether it’s difficult to achieve I think you’ve got to break it down because official diagnosis is only part of it. so if you think you do have ADHD I’d look at it from a couple of different angles:

1. self acceptance/understanding is absolutely the most important thing. I know people who’ve never been to a psych who know they’re autistic/adhd and really flourish, I also know people who have official diagnoses but who won’t accept it themselves and reject help/support and they’re making things so hard for themselves. so the most important thing is to educate yourself about what adhd means and, more importantly, what it means for you. everyone’s brain is different and understanding exactly how your brain works and why you think/behave the way you do is the most important thing you can do. there are a lot of resources out there, especially online, - I’ll put a link to a google drive of books and things I have at the bottom - and it can be good to connect with others online as well. having people who Get It and can help you is really paramount, I know often our irl families/friends can sometimes let us down so sometimes the only support you can get is from following ppl on twitter or something. the adhd subreddit is weirdly helpful and supportive, it’s great to be able to throw out a question like “I think like this am I insane y/n” and have other people go “nah ur fine” it’s very validating (also validation/external perspectives is super important for adhd bc we can be extremely bad at self assessment). so yes, the most important thing is firstly to know thyself by 1) educating yourself and 2) listening/connecting with others like u.

2. is it important to have an “official” diagnosis? no and yes. obviously you don’t need a diagnosis from a doctor to know what you are, and 70% of the things needed to help you flourish are going to come from your own research and the support systems you make. and if you cant afford or access a psychologist or psychiatrist it doesn’t make it any less real or bar you from educating yourself/accessing resources etc. HOWEVER. if you can get a good diagnosis then I really would go for it, bc: 1) it opens a LOT of doors to official resources, whether that’s access to welfare, supports and accommodations at school or college, medication, etc etc. a lot of the time the supports we need are behind this diagnostic paywall, which sucks but it is what it is :/ so that’s one consideration. 2) it can be really validating and help set your mind at ease about whether you “really” have adhd or if you’re “faking”. like I said I didn’t believe that I was “allowed” to be autistic before I got diagnosed. I also didn’t consider that I might have adhd, I went in thinking I’d just get the autism diagnosis so it wasn’t something I would have found out on my own probably. so it can be good to get an outside opinion, especially as, like I said, we can be really bad at self assessment. 3) it feels good to know you have a piece of paper to throw at rude family members/teachers/doctors who don’t believe it’s real 4) if you can find a good psychiatrist/psychologist it can be such a good thing to have that support and to get genuinely good advice from a professional you trust. doesn’t always happen but if u can find one it’s a godsend

wow this got long. to summarise, if you think you have adhd or anything else I would

research and educate yourself. for adhd probably the best thing to do is read driven to distraction and delivered from distraction, written by two psychiatrists who are adhd themselves. they’re both in this google drive along with loads of other resources I’ve collected, there’s also books about autism as well. as a disclaimer not everything/everyone here has my 100% endorsement some of it is there for academic/historical interest or only parts are helpful but by and large it’s useful. also watch this video and feel Seen

look for a good psychologist/psychiatrist if you’re going for a diagnosis. see if there’s an adhd organisation in your country/area and if they can recommend anyone. a lot of the time you’re better going to a child/educational psychologist who’ll see adult clients as they tend to Get It more. do look for someone who is clear about having experience in adult adhd bc unfortunately even qualified psychologists get a LOT wrong so make sure you get someone who knows what they’re doing before you give them your money

yes it can be really expensive. but if you’re needing to access things like medication or welfare I think it’s well worth the trouble and the money. my sister got diagnosed in her second year of college and was able to save her degree bc of extensions on projects and things like that (I didn’t get diagnosed until after college and spent four years torturing myself I WISH I had known) and it can be something that’s better done sooner rather than later. So if it’s something you can do without putting yourself in financial danger I think it’s good to bite the bullet and go for it. like I used up basically all my savings BUT I now can access disability payments and medication so it was worth it for me. it’ll be different for everyone so use your judgement obviously

anyway hope this helped! let me know if you need anything else! and good luck on your journey

[allbeendonebefore]

I was kind of under the impression that this is just a widespread thing in Alberta, especially because of the Angus Reid fractured federation survey (I cant include the link here, but you can Google it, its from January 24th 2019). When got back into Hetalia, I imagined the dynamics kinda changed to this, which would be pretty bad tbh. I hope its not that aggressive in Alberta, I will never be able to go check tho, too expensive :( I loved the bad french btw

i see you guys sending these asks super late at night and i wonder whether any of you sleep - idk where you’re writing from and i may be on the west coast but are you guys ok wherever you are? I just woke up but I have my tea and if I’m not caffeinated now I surely will be as I answer this.

I’m sure I’ve seen the survey you’re speaking of before and before I address it in any specific detail I just want to back up and re frame Why I’m Being Like This in regards to recent events and my orientation towards answering these questions in terms of Hetalia the way I do, because I think it’s the heart of how I answer.

the tldr of it is:

1. I have an opportunity to make interpretations of reality in unexpected and challenging ways, therefore widespread opinions don’t govern anything but my stupid gag comics in the simple sense that if everyone was represented by widespread opinion alone all the time, nothing would change and

2. if i can answer dozens of asks about ralph and oliver hanging out there’s absolutely no reason I can’t answer asks about ralph and jean hanging out, lol.

3. If you’d like a shorter, more concise “vision statement”, I have one on @battle-of-alberta here. (although now I notice the links don’t work on mobile so you’ll have to be on desktop for that one)

I’m assuming this will be long so cut time

(and yes, alas, the bad french is my legacy and I’m afraid it has not improved much although i swear i was an A student when i was actually taking it) (and no please don’t visit now, purely for pandemic reasons, it would be really expensive And you’d have a bad time) (and talking to me is free lmao) (I do not mean to say that you need to have feet on the ground to understand a place at all, i mean, at the moment I don’t lol)

headings because I say a lot

what even is hetalia

At the most basic level, Hetalia is a tool that can be used in a variety of ways. It can be for memorization, current politics at a glance or historical relationships in different settings. I use it for all of these things, of course, I certainly use it a lot in comics that take place in the much more distant past in @athensandspartaadventures. When I was writing that, I was in undergrad and AaSA was a tool to help me pass my exams, I didn’t think of how it might be read or interpreted by people who have lived in or experienced those places these days, or what kind of political and cultural tensions it might reveal. (Not to say that it has gotten me into sticky situations, exactly, but I am more aware of where things like that would arise now).

These days I look back on a lot of my experiences - both in IAMP/Hetalia and just as a person, and I think that if Hetalia is a tool it should be used with some awareness of intention and responsibility. Things in the fandom have changed as it became more mainstream and more well known and I think there’s a definite worry about screwing up or not representing Everything or not pleasing Everybody or not doing it Right. I have a simple, insufferably academic principle.

(That said, yes, you can still do it very wrong if you write a methodology.)

Still, it’s a comfort to me that I’m just doing the things the way I say I’m going to do them, and that is the underpinning of Inspired But Not Constrained By Hetalia. I don’t do things Himaruya’s way, I can’t do things the way IAMP would do them if it were running today because it’s not and things have changed, all I can do is do them how I would do them.

I have hurt people in the past because they sometimes couldn’t tell whether I was writing From an Albertan Perspective or not, and I’ve evoked some preeetty spicy comments over the last decade, and I realized that tone and perspective are something that really shapes how people understand and interact with my work and I’m trying to use that understanding in a conscientious way)

what even is alberta

So when you’re me and you’ve grown up in a province that is the Angriest in the country and the most Misunderstood in the country and the most Entitled in the country and nobody outside of maybe Saskatchewan has a good thing to say about you half the time and maybe you’re tired of that... you get kind of depressed thinking about how every year some kiddo comes on the internet ready to be excited about making or celebrating characters that represent themselves and No Matter Where They Go running into everyone else’s negative impressions first and foremost.

We joke about how everyone hates Toronto, though I’ve always understood it in a teasing way because I’ve never ACTUALLY met someone (outside of our current legislative assembly) who REALLY hates Toronto, but it does feel like I’ve encountered (directly or indirectly) people who do Genuinely hate Alberta and hoo boy is That a strange feeling. I mean, there’s an understanding that BC also ‘hates’ Alberta but half the people in BC are originally from Alberta so it’s a, uh, different feeling.

The story of Alberta from everywhere else is always the story of that Angus Reid article and the memes and comments and listicles that spin out around mainstream media. Alberta is giving too much. Alberta is getting too little. Alberta is too stupid to understand that equalization payments are a good thing actually, and Alberta is too dumb to understand you don’t really need EI if you make enough money in six months to own a house and multiple vehicles Just Because you own a house and multiple vehicles. Alberta is destroying the environment for everybody. Alberta has a huge concentration of white supremacists. Alberta is the Texas of Canada* and has the conservative streak and bible belt to match. Alberta should get annexed by the US. Oh, but Banff! We like Banff, though.

And like I said, politicians use these widespread feelings to stir up the sentiments of people who can’t afford to travel, people who are naturally suspicious of mainstream news, people who have barely even left their hometowns let alone the province and have no other means of validating what they hear, but people who’s emotions are genuinely tied to real feelings of alienation that really exist and HAVE existed for generations. And when the so-called “laurentian elites” in ontario and quebec make fun of them for being uneducated red necks, well, you hit a wasps nest and expected what, exactly?

what even am i doing

And like I’m faced with this question every day I decide to pick up my stylus and badger you all with unsolicited comics: do I want this to continue? Do I want to wear the mask that fits? Do I want to stand aside and say #notallalbertans #notlikeotheralbertans and stand over here on the island** patting myself on the back for not? being? there? Do I say yes, you’re right, and stand aside and watch loud mouth white supremacists co-opt wexiters and let them lead the perception of the province I grew up in just because that is what’s currently happening? Do I acknowledge the widespread sentiment and then pick apart every other province to say Well Actually You’re Equally Problematic Hypocrites, So There?

Obviously I’ve been saying no for a while. I’m perfectly happy to acknowledge the reality and when I draw stupid gag comics like this or this you can tell (hopefully) from my style that it’s tongue and cheek. When I draw less stupid not-gag comics like this or this I am trying to explore the Real Sentiments in a way that doesn’t completely polarize the issue and spin it out of control. I’m more of the opinion that even though Current Sentiments do get in the way that as personifications they 1. have some perspective and as people they 2. have some interest in not throwing out a friendship that was a struggle to build up every time the polls change or some new radical party seizes power. I do a lot of research and I want that to be reflected in my understanding of each characters deep seated beliefs and motivations, but I don’t want to let either the history or the current realities dictate the future if I am going to try to do that myself. 

why even am i doing it for

So like really the heart of the matter is: I am writing what I write for my thirteen year old self. She was the me who moved back to Canada from the United States, who’s first introduction to living there was a hellish surge of nationalism after September 11th. Who’s defense against that was to hide behind a shield of Canada is Better, Actually and who returned to Alberta during the boom years to realize that, oh wait, the rest of the country thinks we’re assholes just like they think the United States is. Who spent her teenage years learning that, boom or bust, the widespread sentiment in and out of the province is just as narrow, shortsighted, self interested, and stubborn as her own fiction of What Canada Was Supposed to be Like. Who learned that propping up that image at the expense of her friendships was not worth it, that propping up that image at the expense of people who are suffering and dying under that image is not worth it. Who found herself rehashing the same sort of gut reaction defensiveness online because the Guilt and Apologizing on behalf of her province compared to others felt Really Heavy for a kid who didn’t have any clue what to do about it and was just there to have fun and learn some stuff.

So I’m writing for anyone else who finds themselves exhausted and saddened by coming online and seeing that the only way that people can imagine Alberta is as an antagonist. I’d like to challenge everyone to start to imagine it better. It’s my little “escape” from reality, and for me it’s much easier to talk to people here where the stakes aren’t as high and the grievances a little less personal.

I’m also writing (in a more secondary way) for everyone who’s ever looked at alberta from afar and wondered What is going On inside your Head and is it always This

(no comment at this time)

as always, I’m here to explain At The Very Least what goes on in My head because at the end of the day, that’s all I can do. And though there are some things that make me angry and emotional, I’m happy to explain why. Happy to answer asks or chat on discord or whatever, any time I have the time. :)

footnotes

*This is just a footnote to say something I didn’t want to interrupt the flow of my comments, but this is an annoyance that me and my Texas Tomodachi share lol

**You’ll notice angry Albertans online have a favourite tactic, and that’s pointing out hypocrisy. They can justify A N y T h I n G by calling another province a hypocrite “so there” (i.e. BC can’t claim to be environmentally conscious because of Victoria’s sewage problem or Site C) - and while I am interested in shattering the image of Alberta vs. the Perfect Rest of Canada a little bit, I feel like it’s a very lazy argument that is used to deflect and not to help. I think it is more useful to unpack the sentiment of Why Alberta Still Feels Taken Advantage of rather than mudslinging, and when the mud starts flying no one seems interested in addressing problems anymore.

[epouvantes]

❛ jeon jungkook, demiboyflux, he/they ❜ was that kim moonsik? the twenty-two year old freelance photographer has been in town since birth. the witch has a reputation for being disorganized & affectionate. you know they’re around when you get flashes of ( mismatched socks, taking buzzfeed quizzes into the dead of night, dancing when no one is watching & believing in signs ). rumor has it, they are a member of the high coven. { samu, est, 25, she/they }

( OOC: TW: ANXIETY MENTION AT THE END OF THIS PARAGRAPH. hi! i’m samu, i’m 25 and i use she/they pronouns! i’m so so so so so excited for this rp and for you all to meet my babies!!!!! i wanted to make this lil ooc section just to let y’all know that i’ll be posting longer and more detailed intro-like posts for my charas eventually, but i wanted to be able to give lil summaries and connection ideas before then so!!!!! there it is!!!!! thank u sm for reading!!!!! also if i ever message you to plot, which i’d like to do with everyone if my social anxiety allows it, pls don’t feel obligated to plot with me at all!!!!! i love connecting with other writers and stuff but i’ll completely understand if you’re not up to plot with me and my charas <33 ) ← this is the same ooc paragraph in all of my first three intros, so pls feel free to skip it! <3

brief introduction.

moonsik’s parents moved from ulsan, south korea, to blackthorne about eight years before the boy was born. he grew up in blackthorne along with his two older siblings (they’re fraternal twins a couple of years older than moonsik), and had a pretty comfortable childhood! however, his mother left the family when he was only five years old, and he’s never seen or talked to her since. the reasoning behind her departure is still a mystery to moonsik, and he’s definitely still confused/sad about it, but!! i won’t delve too much into that yet!! i’ll def write about it in my longer bio/intro thingy later on, though!! 

his dad remarried, when moonsik was nine years old, to a woman who had lived in blackthorne all her life!! i’m not gonna develop the step-mother too much bc i’ll definitely send in some wanted connections soon (for her + moonsik’s dad, siblings and step-siblings! and maybe more?), but she actually has a really good relationship with moonsik!! he doesn’t see her as a mother tbh, but he really loves and respects her and!! even during his more rebellious phases in high school she was like the one (1) person in the family he always felt he could talk to!!

relationships with siblings and step-siblings are to be developed tm!! i’ll be sending in wanted connections for them soon as i said before so i might add a bit to it in there but tbh i’ll try to keep things vague so that they’re easier to fill!!

moonsik did NOT like school. like, at all. i think probably at least one of his siblings was like...... super strong academically, and it mayhaps played on moonsik’s confidence a bit to constantly see his sibling(s) get praised for their accomplishments?? and like..... his dad, siblings, step-mom and step-siblings have never put pressure on him?? he did so himself after seeing others succeed so much and wishing he could do so as well?? and don’t get me wrong; he’s skilled at plenty of things (especially visual arts)!! but having difficulties academically really did affect his self confidence :(

i said this was going to be short rip sdlfijsdlkfjsdlkfjsdklf i’M SO SORRY!!!!!

ok so!! outside of all the family stuff!! moonsik’s been exploring his gender identity for about three years now, and he finally feels like he has the right word/definition for it all!! demiboyflux is honestly a word he didn’t even know of until a couple of months ago, but as soon as he saw the definition for it (here’s a link to a simple definition!) he was so happy because it was him and it felt perfectly right??

he’s not exactly out to that many people concerning his gender identity bc as much as he loves who he is he just isn’t ever sure how to bring it up?? also, most of the time he’s fine with masculine nouns (boy, man, brother, son, boyfriend, husband, prince, etc.) AND he’s perfectly fine with both he and they as far as pronouns go, so...... he just doesn’t feel like it’s absolutely necessary for him to discuss it with EVERYONE, you know? but at the same time sometimes he kind of feels like just ranting and rambling and gushing about all of it, which is why he actually started an anonymous blog (eyes emoji tm) last month, and it’s been super helpful for him!!

he’s a freelance photographer rn, and he honestly really likes it!! however, since he’s not super well established yet (and doesn’t have an official diploma or anything like that - he quit university after two semesters), he isn’t making tons of money, and is therefore currently living with his dad and step-mother. it’s becoming a bit suffocating to him tbh?? and he’s highkey considering getting a part-time job too so that he can maybe make enough money to afford renting a lil apartment or room or something!!

super disorganized!! it’s probably one of the things he fights about the most with his family bc they kinda see his lack of organization as him being quite irresponsible (and they’re not completely wrong maybe, but still), and he’s never really done anything to change this part of him?? like, he’s always losing stuff, forgetting things behind, not remembering appointments, forgetting to send in important documents on time, never checking his voice mail and/or inbox, etc.

affectionate af!!!!! a sweetheart, tbh?? like, he’s kind of reserved so people tend to assume that he’s not the most friendly, but he’s actually rlly sweet!! he’s very openly affectionate with the people he’s close to, never hesitating to wrap himself around someone or plop down in someone’s lap or anything like that (though he is careful about who is and isn’t comfortable with that ofc! tbh in the past he didn’t take that into consideration all that much and he honestly feels really bad about it now, so he’s SUPER careful about other people’s boundaries now)!! also....... he will 110% deny it, but he LOVES attention. like he’ll wither away without attention i sdlfjslkdjfksldf

he’s bi and has known for a long time, and he’s actually been out as such since he was seventeen years old! 

( WARNING: MENTIONS OF SEXUAL ACTIVITY ) he’s had two serious-ish relationships in his life so far, but outside of those he’s actually quite enjoyed doing more casual sexual things with people he finds attractive/interesting/etc!! he actually prefers fwbs to one night stands and i can DEF see that leading to some tension in the future with some of his friends.........

HE’S SO PROUD OF BEING A WITCH!!!!!! his entire family are witches (maybe not his step-mother and step-siblings, though? it’ll depend on whether or not they get taken up as wanted connections and, in the case they do, what the people playing them prefer!), and he’s so!!!!!! passionate about it!!!!! he hates learning in school and stuff but when it comes to learning about magic, especially healing magic, he’s so eager and passionate and !!!!!! he loves it :( idk if his father and siblings are in the high coven tbh but!!!!! he is definitely quite proud to be part of it!!!! also he’s probs definitely one of the most eye-roll-y judgemental ones when it comes to what he thinks of the bloodstone coven !! he deadass doesn’t get why they would practice the kind of magic they practice and he’s???? like he wouldn’t be straight up /rude/ to them without reason but he’s def not as friendly as usual around them i think (though ofc there might be exceptions!!)

connection ideas.

CHILDHOOD BEST FRIENDS: probably around 2 to 4 of those?? i’m picturing this lil group to have been thick as thieves since they were little kids (although maybe one or more of them joined their lil friend group later on in their childhood and/or teenage years?), and i just really want a group of super close friends who know each other better than the backs of their own hands and who may tease each other mercilessly but who still love and adore each other (no matter whether or not they actually say those words aloud dlffkjsdkjfsdlkjfsdlkf)!! age-wise i was thinking they could all be between 21 and 25 years old?? ( 00 / 02-04 )

EXES: as mentioned earlier, moonsik has been in two romantic relationships in the past that were somewhat serious? one of them was probably a high school relationship that last for like 14 months and ended just because they did not click well together AT ALL but had gotten into a relationship bc high school and stuff, you know?? (i think that ex would have probs identified as a cis woman back then - whether they still do or not is up to you - since they probs started dating before moonsik came out as bi?) and i feel like mayhaps recently they’ve gotten in touch again and actually click quite well as friends nowadays, although there are zero (0) romantic feelings between them anymore (just saying, but..... mlm/wlw solidarity is rad tm!! it’s not a necessity ofc but!! yes!!) NOW THE OTHER EX!!!!!!! i feel like this one would have been a bit more recent?? and probably with a man or masc presenting person?? since it’d be more recent, and the relationship would have been quite important to moonsik, i’d like not to add too much to it here and instead work it out with whoever may end up being interested in that connection? ( 00 / 02 )

EMPLOYER(S): people who’ve hired moonsik for his photography skills!!!! maybe also a future/eventual employer for when he ends up finally looking for a part-time job?? mayhaps they could be friends of some of moonsik’s family members?? oooooh what about someone who knew his mother?? (although ig that’ll be easier to work out when i 100% decide why she left dslfjksdkjfsdkljf) ( 00 / ?? )

FRIEND AND/OR ENEMY WITH BENEFITS: ( WARNING: MENTIONS OF SEXUAL ACTS ) i’m thinking that moonsik probably doesn’t hook up with too many people at the same time unless he knows for sure that the other person doesn’t mind it? so the number for this connection will change depending on that!! also i reaaaaaaally love BOTH the idea of friends with benefits AND enemies with benefits since they can both bring in v interesting storylines!! also i’m not totally opposed to having moonsik hook up with his most recent ex (bc i love angst), but it’s definitely not a necessity! ( 00 / 01 )

DEALER: ( WARNING: DRUGS TW ) he did quite a few hard drugs in hs, which was 100% part of one of his rebellious phases, and although he doesn’t do anything too strong anymore, he does rlly like weed (prefers edibles to smoking tho bc no matter how often he does it he always coughs and it’s embarrassing!!!!!), and i’d love a connection with his dealer?? preferably one that’s kind of humorous?? ( 00 / 01 )

[bae-roman]

I need the Nadia profile HC from you. Like her age, temperament, how she treats Roman and bunny, her powers etc

* Sorry this took SO long girly! I hope it was worth the wait! 

In the bunny x Roman AU, season 2 didn’t happen

Her temperament/ how she treats Roman and Bunny

I think that at some point, as Nadia got a bit older Roman became a more aware of what he was doing and more comfortable with being a father so once he stopped keeping her in a soundproofed box for a room, and started to actually act more like a father than a warden, him and Nadia became a lot closer.

Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t turn into super dad or anything like that, he still had nannies there 24/7 but he now did a lot more. The main thing was bedtime, he always tried to be home to put her to bed for the night.

So once those changes took place, Nadia became such a sweet little baby.  She was always so smiley and giggly and was SUCH a daddy’s girl.

Once she started walking, she would literally tail Roman around the house and clung to him whenever she could, it was adorable. The only time she really had tantrums were around bedtime or when Roman had to leave.

Anywayssss by the time she met Bunny, she was around 14 months. I won’t go into much detail about how they first met because I talk about that in another request I’m working on but Nadia really is such a charmer and Bunny loves babies, so it goes quite smoothly.  

Nadia bonds to Bunny pretty quickly and vice versa, and by the time they actually meet Roman is already sure of his feelings for her so it was only a matter of time until Bunny moved in.

So ok skip to Bunny living with them for a bit, and she is basically Nadia’s mother at this point. She loves her so much and Nadia completely recognizes her as a primary caregiver. She is still 100% a daddy’s girl though.

Also, Nadia is like… really smart. We’ve all seen the part in HG where she spelt her name in blocks so going along with that, I HC that by the time she’s 2, she is fully capable of reading books means for kids much older and there are have been a few occasions where either Bunny or Roman had absentmindedly been adding something up out loud and before they can total it, Nadia just yells out “7,238.”

Nadia has always been significantly more cognitively developed than other children her age but Roman had never been around babies so he genuinely had no idea. Then when Bunny first comes along she’s so shocked because “Roman… your baby is a genius” and in response he just shrugs and is like, “Godfrey genes” and she has to literally show him the developmental checklist of where most 2 year olds are at and where Nadia is at before he actually realizes that this isn’t normal.

So by the time Nadia is just a little older than 2 years old, she’s calling bunny mommy.

There is also totally a period where Nadia started to call her Bunny too because Roman rarely uses her real name anymore.

I feel like Bunny is also much more of a hands on parent. Like Roman has never changed a diaper, and though he has been trying to get better, and has had a drastic difference because Bunny kinda gave him shit once, she’s usually the one to give her bath time and feed her in the mornings before work, etc. They no longer have round the clock nannies anymore though, just the one to watch her while they are both away from the house. Once Bunny and/or Roman get home, the nanny leaves.

Nadia as a sibling

So when Roman and Bunny have their son, both Roman and Bunny are shocked that Bunny doesn’t return after her maternity leave. Nadia, of course, loves this though. At this point, they let the nanny go, it’s just Bunny and Roman and the kids.

Nadia absolutely adores her baby brother. She’s a little upset when he’s first born because she can’t play with him yet but when Bunny and Roman tell her that she can read to him? She’s THRILLED.

Nadia loves to read from a young age and adores being in the spotlight so the fact that she now has an audience to read to? Amazing.

Of course, there is a bit of jealousy that comes along with no longer being the only child, but Bunny always makes a point to involve Nadia in everything she does with the new baby and Nadia loves it.

She even likes to watch Bunny change his diaper and always asks if she can do it.

She is the typical bossy older sister. As he gets older, she likes to teach her brother how to do everything and is really just so so sweet and caring with him.

This applies to all her other siblings as well. The older she gets, the more responsibility she takes on with them, and not because Roman and Bunny expect her to at all. She loves to teach them anything new and playing their little games with them. 

Growing up

So later on when the she starts pre-school, she thrives. Roman has to do the eye-thing to the teacher because a few days in, she calls him and Bunny in because Nadia is like this wunderkind and the last thing Nadia needs is to be studied by experts. This becomes a yearly occurrence.

Nadia really thrives at school though, not even just academically but socially as well. She’s so friendly and loves that she gets to play with other kids her age for the first time so she quickly becomes quite the social butterfly.

This is a trait she carries with her throughout her life.

As Nadia gets older, she develops a strong interest in the arts. Bunny put her in Ballet as a young kid and it’s something she still enjoys as she gets older. She loves to paint and draw and actually becomes quite good at it. As the years go on, more and more of the Godfrey house becomes covered in her paintings. She also plays the flute, piano and violin.

Like everyone else, she has her rough stages. Things get especially touchy when she starts to ask about her birth mom.

Roman and Bunny struggled quite a bit about what to do when this question inevitably came up. Bunny told Roman it was really up to him how much he wanted to tell her and they both agreed that knowing the true cause of her birth would do no one any good. Letha was never kept a secret, there was a framed picture of her in Nadia’s room and it had never been a secret that Bunny wasn’t her biological mother. Nadia wasn’t one to hold back on asking something she wanted to know, so when she was around 12 she finally asked them about her birth mother. The story Roman chose to tell her was that he and Letha were cousins. When Letha got pregnant, she didn’t tell anyone who the father was. When she finally had Nadia, she loved her more than anything but died a few weeks later due to an illness completely unrelated to Nadia’s birth (they didn’t want to even risk a chance that Nadia would blame herself for Letha’s death). After Letha died, Roman took her in and raised her as his own.

Of course this was… distressing for Nadia to hear, but she had to know sooner or later. She would always struggle a bit with this topic but as she got older, knew that no matter what, Roman and Bunny were her parents. 

Roman being her biological father was something she would never find out.

Powers/skills

In terms of powers, since season 2/3 didn’t happen they didn’t know about her whole eyes will kill you thing that early on. It wasn’t until she was maybe 5 that they learned about it. The eye thing only made itself apparent when she was in serious danger. This hadn’t really happened until one day when a rabid raccoon managed to get into the yard while she and her brother were playing. It snuck up to them so quickly that Bunny didn’t even see it until after Nadia had already killed it. When Bunny ran over to check on the kids, she saw Nadia with a single stream of blood coming from her nose.

Later that night, Roman and Bunny questioned her about it but of course, she didn’t really know how to describe it. Just that “it was going to hurt me and baby brother so I made him stop with my head”

They took her to Pryce to run some tests and found out about her ability. The last thing they wanted was for a young child to be able to literally kill people with her mind so Roman had to end up doing his eye thing to her. He mesmerized her so that she would never do it unless she was in imminent danger and there was absolutely no other option.

So on top of that, she had an eidetic memory. She was cognitively advantaged and was able to easily pick up and excel at many skills, especially anything that had to do with like learning techniques.

She also had all the other upir powers like super strength after she fully transformed into and upir. She was never able to do the whole eye hypnotizing thing though.

Overall, Nadia was just a really happy, easy kid. She gave them false confidence in having more babies because she was just so perfect and then when her siblings came along, they were all such handfuls and Roman and Bunny were like wtf.

Roman would later confess to Bunny that he was SO relieved she turned out to be this wonderful happy kid because he was so terrified that the way he had handled her the first year of her life had ruined her.

[spunkycatninja]

My thoughts on editing

So I thought, after some prodding from a friend, that I would do a blog on editing since people might have questions who are interested in editing (for games, books, etc.). I've had experience editing a text based game and a full length novel as well as doing a lot of proofreading and creating reading/writing curriculum for the English department I work for. [Yes, I just ended my sentence with a preposition, and no, I don't care. ;) ] I also went to a university and earned a degree in English Language Learning, so I studied grammar, syntax, and all that other good stuff as well as world literature. Did I put you to sleep yet? No? Good. Now that you know my qualifications and that I'm not pulling things out of thin air, let's get on with it, yes?  

There are some things to keep in mind when you decide you want to edit a game or book for someone.  I won't (and can't, quite frankly) go over every single thing, but I feel the list below mentions the 5 most important “rules” to keep in mind.

#1: Know that you won't catch every single thing. I'm really good at what I do. Really, I am. I have people with PhD's asking me to go over their work to make sure everything is correct because I'm known to have an eagle eye for this sort of thing. Even with all the schooling I've had, and even though I am very meticulous, there are bound to be errors that get missed. It happens. It's ok. Nobody is perfect. Take a breath. Come to terms with that. (Something I need to keep reminding myself about as well.) If you notice that you missed a lot, try to do better next time. Maybe do some grammar review, and most importantly, read s-l-o-w-l-y.

#2: Keep in mind that the text you are working on is not yours. In other words, don't get bent out of shape if someone doesn't want to change what they have after you've offered your fixes and suggestions. As the author, they have the right to shape their creation however they please, so even if you have solid, legitimate reasons for offering a solution for a mistake/blunder/oversight/horrific abomination, they don't have to implement it even if they really should. Again, take a deep breath and know that this does not reflect poorly on you.

#3: Know your grammar. Yep, I said it. Learn grammar, dammit. It's important. It's essential to know the difference between:

A) Let's eat Grandma!

and

B) Let's eat, Grandma!

In one of those, you're a nasty cannibal that nobody wants anything to do with (especially Grams). In the other, you're grandma's favorite who will inherit everything for taking her out for a lovely meal. ;)

So many times I see people say, “Just put a comma where you'd breathe. You don't need to know grammar.” You know who says that? People who don't want to learn grammar or new teachers who've been told to tell students that statement as a way to get their point across. I can't tell you, as someone who teaches this stuff, how quickly that backfires—which is why only new/inexperienced teachers tell their students that (usually because they aren't prepared to explain). Grammar can shape the reader's experience, so knowing what to and how to punctuate can be a very powerful tool.

#4: Know when to correct and when to let it stand. But wait! Didn't I just say “know your grammar?” What is going on here? Am I pulling a fast one? No, not really. Creative writing is different than academic writing. There will be times when there is a change in beat/tone or a statement really needs to stand out, so an “extra” comma or a fragment may be perfectly legitimate. In other words, you have to take context into account when editing. This is super important! Don't just blindly correct every run-on, fragment, and comma splice. Read it. Then read it again. Look around it. Does it make sense as it is? What meaning is conveyed when it's punctuated like that? Is this getting the author's point/voice across? These are all very important questions to ask when looking at a text.

#5: Give positive feedback too, not just constructive criticism. Writers like to know what works and what doesn't for their reader. You are not just a living breathing auto-correct (unless that is what you and the author agreed on). So if you are enjoying something, don't just chuckle to yourself and move on. Make a note of it. Tell the writer. Let them know what really tickled your fancy. Moreover, they appreciate if you catch continuity errors, and while a few may disagree with this next part, I would also add that if a different perspective can be offered on what is happening, you might want to speak up. Let me clarify that last part with an example because that last statement was kind of vague.

So let's say you are editing a game where the player can be a man, woman, non-binary, etc., and the player can be whatever sexuality they desire. Said author has the player character always ogling a female companion even though the player created a gay male, straight female, or asexual character. If you are editing this game, and you see this, I would assert that you should definitely bring this to the author's attention. Because let's be real, many players would have a problem with this if this cropped up and this type of behavior did not fit their character. What the author does after that is up to them (see #2 for details).  

Are you still here? Wow! That's awesome! Thanks for reading my short novel. I hope this helps anyone who has questions about editing. Keep in mind that this is just my opinion on editing. I'm sure there are others out there who don't necessarily agree with everything I've said. But if you were thinking about getting into editing, I hope I've given you some place to start with. (Oh look! I ended with another preposition again! Oh, the horror!)

[calumcest]

i'm glad you're feeling better! and honestly i'm shook? i didn't even know you had that many career possibilities in other countries? like my brain automatically went from reading history and german (both truly great subjects btw) to lehramt.. honestly everything sucks about our education system and i'm sorry it's constricting your plans of moving here :( (pt1)

(pt2) though i can't understand why you'd want to leave london the literal best city in the whole entire world for germany like even with my very big love for berlin i just don't get it 🙈 (in case it isn't obvious: i love london with my entire heart) did you always live there? sendung mit der maus is truly quality tv :) did you end up rewatching it?

(pt3) your masters thesis sounds so interesting! i'd love to know more about it bc i only know a little bit about differences in gay rights between east and west but like next to nothing about how they handled hiv/aids and the influence of language is so fascinating too oh my god that made me crack up 😂 my mum grew up around hohenschönhausen 😅

(pt4) and yes exactly! like some jobs were treated so much more fairly and also what really surprised me was that according to my history teacher the east was actually a bit better/faster than the west in regards to womens rights (for example abortion was legal in the east earlier) okay so from your stories i definitely relate more to the british approach to criticism 😂 i can't tell people their ideas are shit bc i hate confrontation

(pt5) though i too was shooketh about how polite people in the uk are.. like just in a shop or sth everybody was always so nice it was weird 😅 so i get your mum's confusion. also i can't believe you apologise when someone bumps into you?? i mean this particular thing is sth i get very mad about bc i love my personal space but like just in general why do you apologise when it wasn't your fault? like yes i do apologise when i do it but if it's the other person's fault 😶

(pt6) yeah it definitely depends on the situation/person i think for practical reasons i say german first but try to mention berlin asap. aw thank you i appreciate it :) but oh my god i'm actually so sorry that happened to you, like while i love them for nostalgic reasons i agree that pfannkuchen(/berliner) can be so disgusting especially when you're expecting a crepe :( oh YES thank you so much i've been saying this exact thing for years!!

(pt7) like why do we need cases and genders when english works just fine without them? i don't wanna hear about genitiv ever again thank you very much. the correct plural is kakteen and kaktusse just sounds like a profanity and they went and made it an official possibility bc people kept saying it and ever since that i've hated duden with a passion. alex should definitely pay you for the promo & i've seen vegas mentioned on your blog a few times now so i'm gonna listen to it too :) -spoiler twin

thank u!! also i know right trying to explain that in germany was insanity they were like oh so ur working at a school bc u wanna become a teacher? :) and i was like absolutely not and they were like but u study history and german...SNDFJSNKDJF i think its insane that ur expected to choose your whole career path at the age of 18 though thats so stressful! 

omg have you been to london before? also i didnt but i did rewatch an old episode with my parents bc i reminded them about it and we were reminiscing and its STILL as good as i remember it being good old christoph and his green jumper

thank u!! god i dont actually know THAT much about the language yet bc i havent started researching but a few interesting points i’ve picked up are that 1. they always referred to drug users as ‘fixer/fixerinnen’ which is obviusly like...quite a politicised term when they had the option to say like drogenabhängige or sth 2. academics would constantly refer to ‘ansteckungsverdächtigen’ and the verdächtig in that is like...HMMM...not good 3. there was a medical panel held in 1987 in east berlin which used english terminology to describe sexual practices that carried increased risk of hiv transmission (e.g. fisting) and because lots of people didn’t speak english they weren’t actually being educated on what they should be avoiding/doing more safely SO!! theres a lot to look at i havent really started researching like i said i should though but theres already a lot of interseting things in there imo sorry this is probably super boring i just get very excited about it

oh absolutely!! it was because of necessity (the way the ecnomy was set up meant that they needed all available bodies working) but it meant that there were SO many more provisions especially childcare and you can still see that prevailing today theres a huge divide between east/west in terms of maternity leave and childcare 

omg SSNKDJFNKSJDFN honestly i have no idea we just do we literlaly apologise when we bump into lampposts its just an instinct bc u assume that its your fault bc you were in the way so u need to apologise for it but once the kids in germany started being like why the fuck are you apologising i had to physically stop myself apologising SKJDFNSJNDF

thats fair enough go di miss berlin so much i’m so desperate to go back theres stll so many things i havent seen bc ive never stayed longer than a week and its such a rich city you need more time to explore it i miss it so much lord take me back to the alexanderplatz galeria restaurant so i can eat overpriced schnitzel <3 whats your favourite german food? i have to say for me personally linsen & spätzle and maultaschen (my oma is swabian) for nostalgic purposes but marmorkuchen...schnitzel...bratwurst...klöße...weißwurst...brezel...lebkuchen...kaiserschmarrn...plätzchen...theres these lovely plätzchen my mum makes at xmas wait let me ask her what theyre claled i cant describe them. ok apparently theyre just schokoladenplätzchen ‘aber ich hab ein besonderes rezept von der ur-oma ha ha ha!!!!!!!’ (direct quote) GOD now i am desperate to go back to germany we cant get ANY good food here i swear to god . oh you know what i really love as well german junk food god you do junk food like nobody else the chocolate aisle in rewe <3 <3 <3 i miss the ja! chocolate chunk cookies so much

CORRECT i hate cases so much i’m so bad at them i still have no idea if its dem or den half the time how does it make a DIFFERENCE...also correct but the genitiv is dying anyway as we keep being told by our lecturers Der Dativ Ist Dem Genitiv Sein Tod <3 kakteen is a very intersting prospect i never considered that but the more i think about it the more i agree also kaktusse DOES sound like profanity but german swear words just arent that great anyway like fick please that upsets me so much ALSO i hope u enjoyed vegas! 

[perdizzion]

I just happen to stumbled upon ur account and saw that you'll be quitting med school. I have a dilemma that I want to share with someone. Im a newly enrolled first yr med student and classes just started a week before. But I'm starting to form some doubts whether I really want to be a doctor or not. Its not that I cant handle the academics its just that do i really see myself being a doctor in the future and actually feel happy about it.

I dont even know if being a doctor is my dream anymore or just my parent’s.

Hiya! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, anon! I don’t know if my answer will help you or not, but I will try to do my ABSOLUTE BEST to reply!!

Ok so. Med school. Tricky stuff. I’ll tell you a little bit about my background and what I’m up to right now to give you a Good Feel about how things are going after the decision I’ve taken and whatnot.

I got into med school about 4 and a half years ago, and like any student who worked their asses off for their desired universities’ entrance exams, I was beyond ecstatic when I found out that I had gotten in. I started attending lectures, group discussions, student projects, and for the first few years, I felt like hey, I think I can actually do this! The exams were pretty tough, I can’t say I liked pharmacology and neurology, but I passed just fine and so I thought that things were going to be fine.

[Narrator voice] things were, in fact, not fine.

I started having doubts around..3rd year, I think? Everything just started to become so dull no matter how much free time I was using to do my hobbies (drawing and doing art in general) and I think that was when my depression started to really rear its ugly head. I started to miss classes, isolate myself from my friends, stay in bed all day, and the only people that had kept me sane were my family and a few close friends of mine telling me to take care of myself when I was too depressed to do so. I tried thinking about whether I’ll be happy being a doctor in the future, and then I noticed that I couldn’t even imagine myself in a white coat, working in a clinic and talking to a patient.

This is when I finally realized that all this time, my wanting to go to med school wasn��t even because it was my dream. It was my parents’.

I struggled a lot to get through some of the days, but I managed to keep up the facade in front of my uni friends until I finished 4th year and received a “degree”. (In Indonesia, finishing 4th year of med school grants you a “bachelor of medicine” though you can’t really use it for anything yet until you’ve finished 2 more years of clerkship and get a “dr” in front of your name).

Clerkship happened after 4th year. If I had to use one word to describe clerkship, it would be hellish. I don’t know if this is how it works in every country, but in Indonesia, clerkship demands med students to attend hospital shifts with inhuman amount of working hours. We had to do 36 hour shifts every twice a week, and 9 hour shifts every other day. This might sound pretty light to some people, but it was super tough for me what with the amount of additional assignments and exams that we still had to do during our rotations. 

After 2 months of clerkship, my depression grew so much worse to the point where my best friend (bless her heart) had to call me almost everyday to help me sleep at night because the thoughts in my head wouldn’t leave me alone. Finally, I called my sister who lives in a different city to fly to where I was living in to take me to see a psychiatrist. It didn’t help because my doctor was super shitty about my condition (“all med students experience depression at one point because med school is just that hard, don’t worry, I’ve been there”) but I did take the meds. And I was planning to carry on with clerkship, until one day the meds gave me orthostatic hypotension (it was one of the side effects of the drug that I was taking) and I fainted in the middle of a surgery. When my mom (who lives in another city) found out about this, she was livid. She flew to my place right on that exact same day to take care of me, though she hadn’t known about my depression yet at the time.

The next day, I told her everything. Like, everything. About how med school had truly been stressing me out, about how I didn’t feel like med school was the right place for me anymore, about how clerkship had been making me feel like I was a worthless piece of shit because the doctors kept yelling at me, about how clerkship had also been making me realize that I wasn’t good with patients and that their lives are literally in my hands and that a single mistake could lead to their death and how I could never live with that much guilt in my life, about how I was so tired of being too sleep-deprived to properly function everyday, let alone to stitch a patient’s cut-up hand back together.

I told her that I wanted to quit. And so I did.

And you know what? It feels amazing.

I’ve been sleeping regularly for the past few months. I get to draw everyday now, and still make money out of doing commissions. I interact with my family a lot more and I don’t check up on them only when I need them to transfer me some money to buy food. I eat three meals a day like a normal human being and it feels so, so good. I applied for a scholarship so I could earn a Master’s degree in biomedicine abroad (it’s not art school, which is where I actually want to go to, but it’s not med school either so I’ll take it), I passed the first stage and now I’m just trying to do my best to pass the next two stages so I could get a full-ride. 

Things are okay. Things are good.

Things haven’t always been good, of course. People tell me that I was “so close to reaching my dreams!”, that my parents “must be so shattered to hear that you wanted to quit!”, that I am just “wasting away my potential.” My grandparents called me a disappointment a few weeks ago while telling me that I should just give up on my scholarship application and go back to med school. My dad told me that he wished I could “go back to the way I was and be happy again.” My mom cried multiple times. It hasn’t been easy on my mental health, but honestly? Fuck it. Fuck every single guilt-trip that my parents have had to put me through. Fuck everyone at uni who’s been spreading false rumors about how I quit med school because “I got cancer” or “I got knocked up.”

I absolutely hated how the doctors did anything back in the hospital. The rich patients got immediate treatment, and the poor got dismissed. The mentally ill were mocked behind closed doors, and med students were treated like trash. Rooted seniority where the senior doctors hazed junior doctors were still a thing (in Indonesia, at least). Literally everyone in the hospital had a superiority complex and I fucking hated it. Neither my parents nor my grandparents will have to be the ones to experience this on a daily basis for years though, so fuck outta here with your negative comments about my decision.

I quit med school because I did it for me, and only me.

This is by no means supposed to scare you away from med school just so you could jump into my bandwagon, heck no. I’m telling you this because nobody told me that this could be a possibility. Everybody I knew kept telling me that the only thing you’ll need to succeed med school is firm determination and hard work, and while that may be true for some people, I required a lot more than that, like a stable mental health, a good support system, etc. I failed to meet these requirements, and so everything turned into a shipwreck for me. My other friends, however, who were well-prepared with all of these, are managing to continue med school just fine.

That being said, this answer is definitely supposed to make you think about your decision more thoroughly. One of the most often things that people tell me post-med school is that “you should’ve quit earlier if you hadn’t liked it; it would’ve saved you a lot of time.” I hate the fact that I agree with this. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve still had time to search for a school that was more relevant to my interests and start over from a blank slate. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve been able to graduate from a new school and earn an actual proper job by now so I could help my parents out with our finance. Of course, my parents would’ve been way more harsh on me if I had told them that I wanted to quit so early on, but if you own the privilege of having parents that would genuinely and willingly listen to you, please talk about it with them. I had a friend who quit med school around a few months before 1st year ended; he’s in business school now and from what I’ve heard, he’s pretty happy with where he is right now.

Whew, that was long. I swear I didn’t mean for it to be this long!! Let me know if any of that helped or if you just want to talk off anon with me in general! I know firsthand how this kind of dilemma can eat you up whole, and it’s not a fun experience, so just hmu if you want to chat

Have a nice day!!

[cancerbiophd]

Hey yo have you ever had to "mentor" a junior before? I'm just a MSc student new to the lab and my supervisor decided that he'll assign a A level student to me. I'm scared because I know how a bad impression could potentially make her lose interest in research. I don't wanna be That Teacher. Any advice on being a good mentor?

hi there! that is an excellent question and i’m so glad that this is a concern for you and you want to learn how to be the best mentor you can be. we need more proactive teachers like you!

i’ve mentored many undergraduates and a few high school students, so here are some things i’ve picked up. 

but firstly, you should set up a meeting with your supervisor to ask them for advice as well, and to be on the same footing as to what is expected from the student project-wise, time-wise, etc. there’s nothing more confusing to a student than when their supervisors have fundamental misunderstandings regarding expectations. 

Tips on Mentoring:

Get to know your mentee (and vice versa). Sit down with them before you start anything, and have them tell you about themselves. Ask them why they want to work here, what their interests are, what they want to get out of being here, what their career goals are, what their time commitment/schedule is etc etc. Then tell them about yourself, like what you’re working on, what your goals are, how you got there, etc. Not only will this help to establish a good relationship, but will also help you get a sense of how to best organize their project and time. 

Set some ground rules. It’s good to think about these beforehand so there are no misunderstandings. Here are a few to think about: 

How many hours/week should they be in lab? Should it be a set schedule, or should they come in when necessary? (eg. some experiments may require them to be here in the morning, some in the afternoon, etc)

Will they eventually have their own little project, or will they just be working with you? 

What are your policies on time off? I tell all my students that their academic career takes priority, so if they need to study for an exam instead of coming into lab, please do so, and if they’re sick, or something comes up, etc (but make sure to let me know and try to plan ahead if possible, so I’m not stuck doing their work for them)

How detailed should their record-keeping/data analyses/etc be? They technically should have their own lab notebook, and preferably a file on a lab computer for their files, but this is up to you and/or your supervisor.

How strict will you be on how the student uses their time in lab? For example, can they surf the web or do homework when there’s downtime, etc. 

How can they contact you? (And also when? Like will you be checking your emails in the evening?)

Safety first, so make sure they know where the emergency exits and safety equipment are, and who to contact in case of emergency, and that they also do the required training for your particular work (eg. biohazard training, etc). 

Bring them up to speed on any background information they should know, and always be constantly explaining things (like why you’re doing what you’re doing, how something works, etc). When I first get a student I like to bring them into a meeting room with a whiteboard so I can draw flowcharts and signaling pathways. Keep in mind that everyone has different learning styles, so it may take some creative ways to get certain tough concepts across. Pause often to ask them if they have any questions, and take cues on whether they look lost to explain something more in-depth. It’s also good to ask them what they already know beforehand, so you’re not repeating something, or skipping over something vital. You also don’t need to teach them everything right now; many things, like specific techniques, can be learned as you do them. If you have some great review papers on their project, send it their way. And reassure them that they do not need to understand all of it; it’s just a resource for them, and though they should try to read it, it��s not something to lose sleep over. 

Practice explaining concepts in a concise, easy-to-understand manner. This is definitely a skill that takes time. But I’ve found that one of the ways someone gets turned off by a particular subject is if their teacher is horrible at explaining something. I like using metaphors, and drawing things out, and asking my student questions to move the flow of what I’m teaching (eg. “So based off what I just told you, what do you think the conclusion is?���). A good way to practice this is to write it out, like a tumblr post. That way you can visually see how you can organize your thoughts. 

If you two are working on a project together, plan it with them so they see the big picture. I like to tell them why we’re doing this project, and what we predict the results will be. I also give them a flowchart of the steps and print out a calendar to actually plan it out day by day. This is also a great way for them to organize their schedule so they can be there for the important stuff. Of course it’s all tentative and things do come up, but this is a) good practice for them if they ever want to become an independent researcher and b) a great way for both of you to organize your time. 

Encourage them to take notes on anything and everything. When showing them a protocol, either print out the protocol so they can take notes on it, or give them a notebook so they can write stuff down. They should always feel free to ask you questions, but sometimes these questions could be answered if they had taken notes. This encourages them to become independent (especially if they’ll have their own project). And when they’re writing something down, pause so they can take the time to do so. 

Teach in baby steps. My format for teaching a technique/protocol/anything is: 1) they watch me (and take notes), 2) they do it while I watch/dictate/help, then 3) they do it while I watch but I keep quiet and let them figure things out (until I need to step in). Of course, everyone is different, and they may need more or less guidance, or there are some things that they probably shouldn’t ever do alone due to the nature of the protocol/equipment, but in general this format has worked for me. This also works for things like experimental design and data analyses. 

Let them make mistakes. Unless it’s hazardous or expensive, I let my undergrads make mistakes, and then we go through how to fix that mistake. Because we’ve all been there, and sometimes doing something wrong is the best way to learn how to do something right! And if they ever do make that mistake again, they’ll know the steps to clean up/fix it. Making mistakes and fixing them is part of becoming independent (in anything, really).

Meet with them often if/when they do become more independent. Maybe check in every day they’re here, or set up a weekly meeting so you two can go over experimental design, data interpretation, next week’s goals, etc. 

Meet with your supervisor often as well, either as a group, or just you and the supervisor. Not only will your supervisor probably want to hear updates on the student (person-wise and data-wise), but this is a good chance to express grievances and/or get advice. 

Be proactive in showing your passion for the subject, and include them in your excitement. When I think about my favorite teachers, they’re always the ones who were super passionate about their subject, and that kind of excitement was seriously contagious. So release that inner nerd. Get excited! If you see an article that you think is super cool, share it with your student. Talk to them about new discoveries. Bounce ideas off them. Call them over when you’re looking at something cool under the microscope (even if it’s not directly related to their project). If they see how much you love the subject, then they’re more likely to put in the effort to do so too! A win win!

Be patient, kind, and supportive. Above all, you should be these things. Treat your student with respect and compassion. They’re going to be nervous, so someone who is friendly goes a long way. And because you’re the leader here, they’re going to look up to you. Think about how you’d like your supervisor/mentor to treat you if say, you’re having a bad day and you mess something up. (Though if there really is a serious conflict, please get an applicable 3rd party involved, like your supervisor). I also try to help them on other non-lab-related aspects if I can, like if they’re applying for something, I offer to peer review their personal statement. That’s just me though; I like to help as much as I can, because sometimes I may be the only helpful person in their life. 

And be patient, kind, and supportive to yourself as well! This a learning experience for you too. I tell my students that I’m still training on becoming a better mentor, so if they think I should do something different, please let me know. And none of us are perfect, so I make mistakes too, and that’s ok. Once I taught my undergrad how to do a math formula wrong and we ended up having to repeat the entire experiment. It wasn’t the end of the world, and it was a good teaching moment for both of us. I can only give you so many pointers, but at the end of the day, becoming a mentor is an experience that you will have to customize based off of what you do and who you are. So let yourself live this experience and grow from it :)

That’s all I can think of right now.. If anyone has anything helpful to add, please do! 

And good luck anon! Your willingness to learn how to be good teacher already tells me that you’re going to be a great one :)

[relatewithrelations]

Throw Back - An Honest Assessment

This past weekend I had to whip together a paper to complete my study abroad credit required for my major. Essentially they want Global Studies students to explain how studying abroad being required for our major helps us in the long run.

The main prompts were :

How and why did you choose your program location?

Did you also complete your Global Studies internship while you were studying abroad?

Please review your study abroad learning goals with me. To what extent did you manage to achieve these goals?

What were some strategies that you used to adjust to the culture of [study abroad host country]? Did you find that you had to adapt or develop new skills in your academic, personal, or professional life?

Do you have any advice for other students preparing to study abroad?

Now that you have returned, what do you want to do with the experiences you had while studying abroad? Has studying abroad changed your personal worldview

I realized while writing this paper, 2 hours after it was due, that there were two points missing. The first being honesty, because there’s a lot of things that I left out due to this being an academic paper. The second is that it was impersonal to my journey abroad. I realized that I often talk about “being gone” but the average person has no idea where I went. So for post 3 I guess it’s time to start over, and be honest. This is going to broken up into a summary of what I was doing abroad and then my most asked questions.

Summary

Between June 2018 through December 2018 I was gifted with the opportunity to work and study in the beautiful country of Spain. And when I say gifted, I mean I worked my actual butt off and had about 32 mental breakdowns to go to Spain. I find the idea that I have to grateful for some “divine right” of being given a visa kind of ridiculous. As I was the one that found the job and school program. I was also the one that filled out all the paper work, found my apartment, and acheived the required grades and work experience. But I guess I was lucky my plane didn’t crash and I made it there so I’m blessed but I digress. I spent the first 3 months in the hustle and bustle of Madrid which I followed with 4 months in the serenity of Sevilla.

As a quick over view, I had 5 main goals while working and, eventually, studying abroad:

Learning general business management skills

Gain experience in online marketing

Gain experience working with multicultural clients and leads

Develop an understanding of Spanish business culture and operational practices

Further develop language skills - specifically by working and living in Spanish

More or less I was able to achieve these goals by doing the simple thing of showing up. I went to work every day and put myself out there to meet new people. My boss allowed me to work on a case load basis. This meant my schedule depended on how efficiently I worked. This is the best type of work for me because I like to power through a few days with long hours and then have more time free. I’m, by nature, an efficient person and prefer to work smarter not harder. Along with that being able to work with a small start-up meant that I was very hands on within the company from day one. I was able to build and execute full campaigns and services while most interns got coffee. This made my experience unique and I enjoyed every minute. I had a lot of very different and amazing days at work. My most memorable day was when we got to visit the headquarters for Santander. If you’ve spent any time with me in person I’ve probably mentioned this HQ many times. It is a whole self sustaining ecosystem within the name of headquarters. There was a hotel for guests, a water park, soccer stadium, golf course, full conference center, and loads of self sustaining buildings for the workers. Honestly, I’m awestruck thinking about it.

After my whirlwind summer in Madrid I moved to Sevilla, which is in the southern-most autonomous community of Spain. Ill plop a map below to show where I lived and I’ll star other places I’ve been to or visited. Sevilla is the hottest city in Europe and did not let down on this claim. I would say nearly the entirety of the first month or so maintained a steady 100 degrees. This was one of the reasons I actually chose Sevilla when looking for a place to study. I was taking 3 classes at El Universidad de Pablo de Olavide and 2 courses within my program house at CEA. IT was pretty cool being able to go to school with actual Spaniards. My only complaint being I never actually interacted with them. The greatest downfall of this trip is that my university went to great lengths to alienate the Americans from other students. I don’t know why they did this, but had I known I would’ve gone to the other university option.

In reality, Sevilla wasn’t my favorite place on earth. It wasn’t anything against the city in general, because it was beautiful and the people were kind. I’m a city girl deep down and 200k people isn’t enough for me, especially after being in a place as big as Madrid beforehand. But the biggest experience in Sevilla was actually how often I left. In my time abroad I visited 9 other countries besides Spain and 7 other cities in Spain. I was bouncing around almost every single weekend of my time studying. It was tiring and by the end I was so sick that one of my first visits once back in the USA was Urgent Care. I know, poor me getting sick because I went to too many countries. It is something to consider though. The human body isn't made to be on a plane 3 out of 7 days a week for 4 months straight. I hit most of the continent and one country in Africa so I’m 4 continents down and 3 to go (I think I see Asia in my near future). I know I would’ve enjoyed Sevilla more had I given it the chance, but I didn’t have the time. There's also the chance had I done the reverse order of trips I would've liked Sevilla more. It also would've meant my entire experience would be different. I needed to be in the places I was at the times I was there because that’s what was written for me. Someday I’ll be back Sevilla, I promise. NODO is written on my heart forever.

Questions

How did I choose Spain?

It was pretty simple to be honest. I knew that I wanted to go to Europe because one of the biggest points to studying abroad is that ability to travel while abroad. By choosing Europe I would have that opportunity because traveling is cheap and every country is so different. I also knew that I wanted to study in a country where I could practice my second language skills. Once I decided Spain was where I wanted to go, I needed to find which city in Spain I wanted to go to. There were four options for Spain through my business program: Madrid, Barcelona, Sevilla, or Granada. I knew that I didn’t want to go to Madrid or Barcelona because I had already lived there at some point. This made the final two choices either Sevilla or Granada. Really the deciding factor was that Sevilla offered an excursion to Morocco. Having that extra excursion was so enticing I couldn’t miss the opportunity to say I was in Africa.

How did you adjust? / Weren’t you nervous about being alone?

These two question kind of tie hand in hand. I believe this because no matter how a person words these two questions what they’re trying to say is “I’m too scared to do this so why are you different?”. A few years ago I was listening to a Simon Sinek talk about performance under pressure (I’ll link it below). He made an interesting point to how every Olympic athlete is asked whether they were nervous. What's interesting is that they all say “no I’m excited”. The human’s reaction to the fear and excitement is exactly the same and it’s all in how you interpret them. I have been working ever since hearing that to tell myself that "no I’m excited" when I start to feel fear bubble up. But if that doesn’t work, I say ‘ok I’m scared’ and then I do it anyway. Everyone fears the unknown, but great adventurer embrace that and go anyway. I want to be a great adventurer so I venture on.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBF9xXhSFRc

Second, my lack of fear about moving far away is a direct correspondence to how my parents raised me. When my mom was 18 years old, she packed up all her stuff and moved 2,930 miles to Milwaukee, Wisconsin from Honduras. Then many summers later, my parents packed up all my stuff and shipped my brother and I 2930 miles back to Honduras. We weren’t raised to be afraid of not being home. Home is where I am. This mind set means I’m pretty much comfortable wherever my feet land. I know that if I am comfortable with myself, I will be safe in my environment. That is something I thank my parents for instilling in me everyday.

Now when it comes to adjusting, everyone handles it different. Most people in my program were very into the “I’m an American, and if you dont like it you can get out…oh wait…well yeehaw anyway”. That’s not my style. I try to completely immerse myself wherever I am. Even if it was for a weekend. I did have the advantage that I had already lived in Spain 2 years prior as an Au pair. I had a general idea of what everything was going to be like and was already used to the culture. But I had the MAJOR advantage of, for the first time in my life, I looked like the people I was surrounded by. I didn’t stick out as someone who was super different once I got over the different style choices. I mainly had to worry about adapting in my personal and professional life. The relationships in Spain between people are different, more personal, and it is very easy to know a lot about the people you surround yourself with. Even at work, I knew my superiors in a more informal life than I would ever know an American boss. Friends and family often live close to each other so it’s common to see them a few times a week as opposed to a few times a month. Personal space doesn’t exist in Spain. In both the literal fact that Spaniards are always touching each other. But also in the fact that they know a lot about the people they associate with. I had to work hard to break out of my shell in order to assimilate to their close knit society.

My second way of adjusting was that during my time in Madrid, I had 0 American friends. If I even heard an American accent I would turn the other way and walk out. It sounds harsh but it’s true. If you want to assimilate to a new society you can’t be by the norms of your own. My two closest friends spoke English fluently, but most of the other people in my life spoke English as a second language or not at all. You are forced to adjust when you aren’t given a choice. Advice my mom gave me once was, “go on lots of dates, but dont date anyone”. It sounds weird but that was super helpful. I’m not ashamed to admit I went on dates during my time abroad, and it was never with Americans. There is no better time to practice your second language than when you’re trying to impress someone. The most important part of a relationship is communication so I had to be on my toes. I was also able to see what dating culture was like in another country, which is super fascinating. Interacting with only Spaniards and a few other people from other European cultures also made me a better person. It helped me see how others viewed America and why. Many times I was able to dispel stereotypes or rumors, but sometimes I had to face the fact oh wait that is true. It’s not always fun, but I do know I’m more aware of my actions now because of it.

Finally, if you want to adjust somewhere new, do some research! I watched so many kids in my program struggle with simple things that could be solved by typing ‘Spain’ into google. I did some research before moving to Madrid and Sevilla about what the culture was like there. I tried to adjust myself to their eating style and life time tables prior to moving. It's the smallest things that make the biggest impact. Already adjusting to things like eating at 10pm meant that it was easier for me to meet people right away.

What advice do I have?

I get asked a lot if I have advice for people interested in traveling or studying abroad. It’s a weird question because I definitely do, but it’s not like you’re actually going to listen. My biggest advice is that if you’re going to do anything in life be all in. Don’t go abroad to hang out with American’s every day and do everything you do in the USA, that’s a waste of your time and money. It’s also disrespectful to the people you’re living around. I will never understand the people that never even tried to make Spanish friends or do anything within Spanish culture. Why did you even come?

My second piece of advice is fall in love. No, I don’t mean with your soulmate and get married type of fall in love. I mean fall in love with where you are and where you live. Fall in love with the nuances of everything surrounding you. Fall in love with who you were yesterday, who you are now, and who you will be tomorrow. Fall in love with the friends that come into your life and why they’re important. Fall in love with the fact you aren't home. Fall in love with fear. If you want a great experience you have to strive for it. You have to know that not every day is going to be sunshine and rainbows and love that.

Finally, be knowledgable. The saying goes “no one likes a know-it-all”, but I’m suspicious of how many people enjoy incompetence too much. Being knowledgable about something isn’t lame or weird. It’s actually helpful and I hate this stigma of “oh I’ll wing it”. You waste a lot of time and energy doing that when simple preparation could’ve been done. The amount of times I seemed like a PhD historian because I had bothered to look up what a castle was or where a good place to eat was is unbelievable. I’m not crazy smart, and I dont have a photographic memory. I have access to a smartphone and use it to be smart. Shocking. So be intelligent. Look things up. Know what’s going on even if it’s the basics. I rather be a know it all that understands my surroundings than someone who has to rely on others. You need to learn how to survive on your own if you want to be an adult. Google is an amazing service you can use. Be open to learning new thing and meeting new people. It’s okay to think something is better somewhere else besides the usa. It doesn’t make you unpatriotic, it actually makes you a better citizen.

Enjoy this pic of my amazing roommates: 

[myberkeleyadventure]

Anxiety

I find that I have been having a lot of anxiety lately, and that I’m an anxious person. And of course, when I’m anxious or feeling a strong sense of some emotion (stress, sadness, madness, happiness, confusion, etc), I tend to blog, so here we go. Some of the things that have been stressing me out lately include:

Planning out my last two semesters at UC Berkeley and fitting in all of my major requirements. My department has a hold on everyone and you have to go see the department to get it lifted and I’m worried they won’t lift the hold because they won’t agree with my schedule. Also worried I won’t get into the classes I want. With a limited time now, my schedule is much less flexible.

The club I’m in is in a little bit of a turmoil period right now and I’m a little anxious about that.

The internship where I’ll be at this summer is located about 1 hour away from me by driving and I hope to find a carpooling buddy because I’m a rather anxious driver. (I know the company has carpooling in place so I’m not too concerned with not finding a carpooling buddy.) I’m really excited for this internship, however, and if I like it, it’ll be a step in the right direction in finding what I’d like my career to be.

I don’t know what my life is going to be post-graduation. I’m not pre-med or pre-health (I really really really hate it when people ask me what I’m going to do with my bio degree. I don’t know either, okay?) My little sister has been accepted to colleges and she is undecided about majors but right now, is taking a likening to business. I feel like the majors that don’t necessarily require more schooling after a bachelors are: engineering, computer science, and business. The rest of the degrees usually require more schooling, which is why I’m trying to amp her up for business since she doesn’t particularly like engineering/ CS. Looking at the colleges for her and everything has made me rethink my whole college experience and made me a little sad. I wish I knew then what I knew now about colleges and majors and careers. I think I would’ve chosen differently. I wouldn’t be caught up on “prestige”, I’d look for best fit in terms of majors and where I’d easily be able to succeed in. (Sometimes I wish I had gone to UCI for business or computer science.) I was looking at master’s programs and the only ones I’m interested in/ qualified for are really the biology masters (ok, makes sense). I was kinda interested in Psychology/ Counseling/ etc, but I haven’t taken any of the prerequisite courses for the Master’s and at this point, I’m just trying to graduate on time with my major’s requirement--there’s no way I can squeeze in an extra 3-5 courses (#springadmitproblems + a lack of planning on my part because I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life). Theoretically, I could do a post-baccalaureate program after graduation, but that just makes me more anxious thinking about it. Furthermore, my GPA isn’t so hot so I shouldn’t even assume that master’s programs are a shoo-in. I’d also have to get three letter of recommendations and so far I can really only think of around 2-ish right now. Sometimes, it just makes me feel so hopeless and “stuck.” I wish I had gritted my teeth and done a major that was high workload now but easier after graduation, like computer science or business. When I was in high school and choosing a major, I just thought people chose their major based off what subjects they liked or what courses they did best in. But now I know that’s not the case. You pick what is practical. (I know a classmate who was horrible in my HS calculus class and now they’re a physics major and hoping to do a masters in engineering. College REALLY is a fresh start. Don’t let your lack of experience in one subject turn you off.)  I always had this belief that regardless of what your major was, as long as it was STEM, you’d be fine in the long run. Biology is STEM but I don’t feel the same way as I used to (especially after reading some reddit threads where people asked what they could do with their biology majors.....). I understand that some majors won’t earn you the best salary, i.e. art major or theater, but instead of choosing a major that makes you “happy,” I think the best bet would be to choose a major that is practical. Meaning one that affords you a lifestyle that you like and doing something you’re ok with doing for the rest of your life (it doesn’t necessarily mean something you’re in LOVE with. If you so happen to LOVE what you’re doing and you make good money, great.) I don't know, I’m just rambling but my situation kinda makes me sad. And the fact that everyone just assumes everything will be ok is a little nerve-wracking for me. My parents just assume I’ll be able to get a good job after graduation because of the UC Berkeley name and because I’m a STEM major (biology). But me? I’m a little hesitant in believing that....

Helping my little sister decide on a college for her. Knowing what I know now about my life and everything, I don’t want her to fall into the same hole.

Physics. Ohhhh physics. I hate you so much. I don’t understand anything and I understand that it’s my fault for not keeping up with the material as well as I could be, but still. Everything is so abstract and hard to understand. I hate being a biology major in the sense that all of the students are pre-med kids who ruin the curve and make my experience a living hell. (I’m sorry for being so strong, I’m just in a bad mood.) I’m in a couple environmental science classes and the vibe of the class is just, so much different. It’s much more laid back and I can really focus on learning. Except, sometimes I feel like I don’t fit in there as well since everyone seems very “hippie” like and very green. Oh god, I complain about everything.... Like one girl was talking about how she is all natural and makes her own deodorant to use, etc etc and I just feel... so out of place? It’s been hard to find an academic niche where I genuinely feel like I fit in, and I’m a junior. I honestly feel the motto “Fake it till you make it”. :/ tldr; if I could go back in time, I’d probably go to UCI as a business or CS major (the majors that don’t necessarily require additional schooling to get a good job; a college that I dismissed earlier because it was too close to home and because it wasn’t ranked as well as UC Berkeley; I’m also confident I’d have a higher GPA there) but what can I do now /shrugs. It’s sorta like the “grass is always greener on the other side” thing. I wish I didn’t have the illusion then, that biology majors would be super successful. They are, if you do more schooling which is something I will need a break from after I graduate Cal.

Love life. Which is non-existent but there is a boy in my life who I can’t decide if I want to just keep being really good, close friends with or if I want to elevate it into a dating relationship. We’ve been talking/ interacting for the past year basically and there have been times where it’s dipped very cautiously close to “dating territory” (many friends know we are super close/ some initially thought we were dating) but I don’t know. I think the fact that I’m even considering whether or not to date him and the fact that this has been going on for a year is a warning flag and a signal that I should just keep him as my best guy pal. He deserves someone who is wild about him 100% of the time, not just 50% of the time. Right? Gah. There are days where I genuinely want to date him and other days where I just think it’s better to keep him as my best guy friend. I remember making a small comment about this on reddit and someone replied saying it’s probably better not to date him since I’m having these thoughts. Fair point.  I used to be so lovey-dovey and really eager to get a boyfriend in college but I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve matured, learned more about myself and what I want, or just because I’m anxious about other things and don’t have time for a boyfriend, or the combination of it all, but I really don’t care for a boyfriend now. Before I guess you could say I was actively seeking a boyfriend and wanting one, but now I’m just like “eh, if it comes it comes, but I’m not actively looking”. I’m kinda proud of myself for that, but at the same time, I’m a little sad because one of the reasons why I’m like that now is because of the stress and anxiety in my life.

This list wasn’t necessarily in order of what’s making me anxious and stressed out but yeah. It felt really good to let this all out and rant to the interwebz. I’m sorry if my blog turned less of a “guidance/ college tip blog” and more of a “ranting about college” thing but oh well.

I know that if a random person just looked at me from the outside, it would seem like I’m “successful” and happy. I mean, it’d be something like “Wow, she’s at UC Berkeley! Was involved in a few clubs, now really involved in one and has a high ranking position. She’s in a research lab, has some experience working in the UC Berkeley xyz office for two-ish years, ok GPA, landed a really strong internship this summer. Wow!”

But really, it’s like “Eh, UC Berkeley. I wish I chose somewhere else that’s not as cutthroat. I tried a few clubs and quit them when I didn’t like them anymore/ didn’t see it align with my career goals but I stuck with one and grew in rank. Research lab is cool but it’s very monotonous work (and I don’t get to conduct my own research; I’m a glorified [research] assistant) and I’m thinking of quitting next semester because I’m not as interested in the work as I thought I’d be. Working at the xyz office has been cool, except it is also monotonous work like filing, copying, etc like a glorified receptionist. My GPA is “ok”, above 3.0 but could be much better honestly. The internship gig is something I’m pretty proud of, though.” 

#perspective

Sorry for the rant, but it definitely felt really good to put into writing the feelings I’ve been feeling.

[wasiandonuts]

i was bored so i decided to answer these q’s. i reblogged the original if you want to do this tag!

• 1. have you ever been in love?

Yes, I think so (its complicated because it was very one-sided)

• 2. who is your favorite artist?

As in musical artists, i’d have to say either alessia cara or nicki minaj. Yes I know they are on complete opposite musical styles. In terms of painters, Salvador Dali

• 3. what is your favorite music genre?

I love rap and hip-hop but usually end up listening to whatever is on the radio

• 4. have you ever had a penpal?

I have, just a super long time ago

• 5. are you single or in a relationship?

single af

• 6. what color are your eyes?

dark brown

• 7. what is your favorite word?

instransigent, meaning to be incredibly stubborn or refusing to change

• 8. do you play any instruments?

Piano and guitar, very mediocre at both

• 9. what is your favorite color?

a royal purple

• 10. do you have any nicknames?

I usually get called smol a lot because I am or Alex

• 11. what is your favorite flower?

I love hibiscus because when I was younger, I got a painted tattoo on my arm, and I remember not wanting to wash the beautiful art off

• 12. what qualities do you find attractive in a person?

I really find humor and intelligence really attractive. If you can talk to me and hold a conversation that is insightful, then you are golden to me. Also nice hair is a plus!

• 13. do you have any pets?

I have one cute, yet annoying dog

• 14. have you ever traveled outside of your home country?

Yes I have been fortunate and blessed enough to travel to many actually

• 15. what language(s) do you speak?

I speak English and Spanish (trying to be fluent). I can also understand and read Tagalog but I don’t really speak the language

• 16. who was your first crush?

A famous Filipino/American actor named Sam Milby. I had posters of him from these teen magazines when I was 4 or 5 years old. You can see I was pretty obsessed ahah

• 17. do you wear glasses?

I am blind outside a 2ft radius, so yes I need glasses/contacts

• 18. what is your favorite pastry?

oOOooOOO this is so difficult! I love tiramisu but then I also delight a good ol’ cheese danish. I guess the latter is a more appropriate answer to a pastry.

• 19. do you prefer swimming in a pool or in the ocean?

Pool. Oceans are too vast and scary and dark. A pool is more serene to me, minus the children screaming of course

• 20. bright, dark, or pastel colors?

I like bright colors but mainly wear dark ones to be neutral and color coordinate easier

• 21. what is your favorite social media app?

Tumblr. My other social medias are too phony and I feel as if I have to mask some parts of me to those worlds. For tumblr, I can feel and think however I want and I can sympathize and obsess with a lot more people. I just love that!

• 22. what is your sexuality?

Hmmm, I’d say straight, but I don’t want to close any doors (Hello Cate Blanchett! haha)

• 23. do you have any siblings?

Nope

• 24. what is your favorite scent?

Freshly washed and dried laundry. The best scent around, so clean and soft

• 25. where do you want to travel to?

EVERYWHERE. I have always wanted to have a career that allowed me to travel and keep life exciting (like a consultant or an actor)

• 26. what is your favorite film?

It is cheesy but High School Musical. The first one is the best and my forever love. I know every single line to every single song in that movie.

• 27. who do people say you look like? (celebrity/family member)

I feel like if my face was smaller/less baby-faced and I would grow a good foot, Gemma Chan. My mom has told me I looked a bit like her. Also I did this celebrity look alike website and it told me Tang Wei.

• 28. who is your best friend?

I am so lucky to have my real life best friends on Tumblr as well as some internet ones! @veryhealthyobsessions​ and @mypercabethotp​

• 29. what is your dream job?

I have been struggling a lot with this lately. I have always had the proclivity for fame and travel as well as a lot of money. My parents and my family have always expected me to be the academic and become a lawyer or a CEO or something. I just don’t know if I will enjoy the work as much as I will enjoy the benefits of it. Acting and performing has been on my mind as well as consulting or writing for film/TV because those two careers will allow me to have an ever changing role and travel and meet so many people. I am still super confused and am hiding the more artistic side of myself in exchange for a life I am very uncertain about. Ok oof that was my shpeal

• 30. do you know how to drive?

Yep! I probably logged a hundred miles this weekend doing errands

• 31. who is/was your favorite teacher?

Mrs. Edwards from the second grade. She taught me how to succeed and was my biggest cheerleader ever since I was 8 to probably now.

• 32. are you a feminist?

I’d like to think I am.

• 33. what is your zodiac sign?

Capricorn

• 34. do you enjoy reading?

Yes I love to read but due to school and an exorbitant amount of work and responsibilities for college, I have not been able to read leisurely for a long time. I know it is so sad

• 35. do you have any hidden talents?

I can solve a Rubik’s Cube in under 40 seconds and eat 2 scrambled eggs in 15 seconds.

• 36. have you ever dyed your hair?

Not fully, though I have gotten highlights and a balayage (no bleach!!)

• 37. what is your favorite thing in your bedroom?

My Hello Kitty stuffed animal that has been with me for 12 years

• 38. what is your biggest fear?

Failure. and jumpscares. and large insects.

• 39. can you whistle?

Of course

• 40. do you make your bed every day?

Psshhhh no. I have a philosophy that states, I will mess it up later anyways :)

• 41. do you have any tattoos and/or piercings?

I have ear piercings, thats it. I don’t think I will ever get another piercing or any tattoo

• 42. have you ever been on a roller coaster?

Multiple times, the Incredible Hulk in Orlando, FL was probably the most scary and the most fun

• 43. surfing or skateboarding?

Neither? I used to be an avid skateboarder a long long time ago because my friend that was a boy (wink wink) skateboarded a lot. I do want to try and surf in the future though

• 44. are you a dog or a cat person?

DOGS. I am biased since I have only had dogs to live with

• 45. what is your favorite animal?

The Tiger. It is just so powerful yet stealthy and overall an amazing creature

• 46. do you have a skincare routine?

Kinda not really. I just wash my face in the morning and at night and but some salicylic acid toner and lotion.

• 47. what time do you typically go to bed at and what time do you wake up at?

Depends on the amount of work I have. Usually 12am - 5:45 am

• 48. what is your favorite memory?

I have a really bad memory probably due to sleep deprivation but my first trip to California a long time ago is one of the best.

• 49. how tall are you?

4′11 give or take (YES I AM TOLD EVERYDAY I AM SHORT THANKS FOR TELLING ME)

• 50. what is the best gift you’ve ever received?

Life woo but in the recent past, last year I received a container filled with different heartfelt cards and notes that I read whenever I felt sad or mad or happy. Those simple thoughtful gifts are always the ones I cherish.

• 51. do you have a garden?

No but my grandmother does

• 52. do you like bugs?

Please refer to question #38

• 53. what is your natural hair color?

Dark brown/Black with some brown highlights

• 54. what is your favorite food and drink?

Food: Turkey burgers (at the moment, things change very quickly around here)

Drink: Chik-Fil-A Diet Lemonade

• 55. do you want kids?

I think I do...still too young to really think about it

• 56. what is/was your favorite class?

This year, it is probably a tie between english (lit) and calculus. Again, totally opposite subjects

• 57. what color shirt are you wearing?

Gray

• 58. if you could time travel, what year would you go to and why?

The late 1980s would be an interesting time to be in since it was during the brink of the Cold War and emerging technologies. The 1950s would also been a fantastic time period to see the evolution of women’s rights and the world post World War 2 (inspired by the movie Carol)

• 59. what is your skin color?

Tan?

• 60. hugs or kisses?

Hugs from anyone are my favorite things

• 61. have you ever drank alcohol?

....perhaps ;)

• 62. have you ever done drugs?

Medicinal only

• 63. netflix or youtube?

Youtube. I have an attention span of a flee so the short videos work for me

• 64. ice cream or frozen yogurt?

ICE CREAMMMM

• 65. succulents or flowers?

succulents are cute, low maintenance plants so succulents it is

[messykarma]

a bit much

11/06/2018

Not even halfway through 2018...

Today kinda reached my breaking point.

You get used to being put a little to the side, I’m 2 years younger and it’s the critical years for a brother older than you in high school yeah I get it his education at that point will be more important than mine (or are all years especially the years leading up - the building blocks - arguably also just as important???) back when we were both in high school. At this point, I’m in my final high school year and he’s in University, yet he’s still regarded as the more important person in regards to school life.

I’m usually always the reliable go-to person/child

“do you have a charger”

“do you have glue/scissors/tape”

“can I borrow (where’s your) cash for the aircon guy”

“do you have a thumb drive”

Bonus: bro gets his bedsheets done for him all the time (or at least used to, he does it more now but not all the time) while I’m expected to do it all by myself and even help with parents - if I don’t help I get shit for it even tho I prefer not to and sometimes opt not to. Mum will put his clothes away for him a lot of the time whereas I do it myself (not too fussed about it, I’d prefer to do it myself but it’s still a difference), will get mad at me bc I don’t like helping in the kitchen with cooking/baking/cleaning etc. and if bro and I are forced to help (also clean the bathroom/take out the pail of water) and he doesn’t do a lot I’m expected to pick up the slack (happens anytime we both have to do something) and if something goes wrong/is bad I usually get shit for it - or if I refuse to do what he didn’t do I get shit for it bc I should be the better person or whatever which I usually am bc I hate getting into trouble.

But when I don’t wanna then omg “you’re so calculative” like ok sure I am a little but if it’s a frequently reoccurring thing I’m going to be fucking annoyed and frustrated

Events leading up to the Charger Incident(TM) that frustrates me

Taking my headphones without telling me or asking for my permission. Taking my cables without asking or telling me and not giving them back sometimes even when I ask for it back

The one time I left it for too long because I felt bad for continuously asking was when he magically forgot he borrowed my only secondary cable (the one I use for my portable charger) and so now it’s gone forever - this cable is good because you can swap out the heads so you can charge many types of devices.

It’s not my damn fault you’re shit at taking care of your things. I love to have a cache of spare shit in case something goes wrong and stuff.

My bro has taken a bunch of earphones from me over the years bc he broke his or lost his and I’ve had to give them up to him because “you have spares, why not just give it to him”... this continuously. I think I’m a selfish person but I’ve been so selfless sometimes. 

-

I feel bad when others get into trouble especially if I caused it but then again it makes me feel angry, sad and frustrated when I get into trouble for things like this.

Bro school fees = $16k a year (half for the first year) at least  My school fees = $1k required a year but parents opt to donate another $1k more My school is the top high school in Australia and is academically selective. I went on 2 tours which in total cost $18k together, pretty much school fees of my bro’s school for 1 year. I got better education and more exposure (he also went on tours but just for sports because yes his school actually offers opportunities in sports)

Right after I gave my charger back to my bro to use and told him to give it back to me, mum screaming in my face (me trying to hide that I’m tearing up):

“you are very rude”

“attitude problems”

“why do you even need your phone... [not important, he needs it, it’s more important, Uni blah blah exams]”

“don’t think we don’t know about the boys you talk to”  (I actually don’t talk to boys online and if in the rare case I do it’s usually related to school or another friend of ours etc. nothing romantic at all, I try to remove myself bc ik I’ll get in trouble)

“.. want to get fucked??” (can’t believe this is what my mum thinks I want)

“that’s not that important” (referring to what I want to do)

“selfish”

(it’s now around 3 hours past when he had my charger and his phone was literally at the same percentage as mine and I still don’t have it back but I’m afraid to ask for it back) --> When people get mad at me and my brother who is currently mad at me, I always feel like I’ve done something wrong and I feel sad and I hate it but like... I can’t even tell anymore if what I’ve done is totally acceptable??? But he’s so damn selfish what in the entire fuck - always expects me to do shit for him/give him shit to use etc. but won’t return the multiple favours???

Everyone always fucking acting as if everything he is and does is so much more important than me and mine.

Always threatening to take my phone away/linking my behaviour to leading to getting pregnant (as if I want to) - assuming I want to have sex with people all the bloody time (”you want chips? Are you pregnant? You had sex with a boy on a school trip?!) vs never taking away his phone and never demanding for his password, respecting his privacy even though I know for a fact he has bloody nudes on there.

She never says shit like that to my bro and stuff... it’s only ever getting mad at something he does but she never really personally attacks him or hits him. Mostly bc hitting him doesn’t hurt him bc he is brave enough to hold her hands and shit, I kinda just stand there and take it while crying and saying sorry and then she gets more mad LMFAO bc I’m crying and I ‘have no reason to cry’ and I deserve it and shit

I’m so tired of always ‘being in the wrong’; I can never win. I don’t even know if it’s justified that I feel this way, I have no idea if my feelings are valid??? 

Ever since one of my close friends back in Year 8 said something along the lines of “why would you tell your friend that? Why would you unload all that onto your friend?” when another girl called her crying because her dad had been mean to her, I took that situation to heart. I used to be sceptical and not wanting to talk about personal problems unless I’m joking about them until then - at that point I decided that I should never tell my friends anything and keep everything to myself, stewing inside and letting it eat me up. 

If I’m feeling any emotion other than content and/or happiness - any negative emotion, I get so much shit and parents get mad as if I have nothing to be unhappy about and that I don’t deserve to be anything but happy. Because “they were poorer”, “they had it worse” it means that I’m not allowed to be anything less than happy. Yeah I get it you had bad circumstances but that doesn’t take away from the facts of my own life which you can’t see because you’re not empathetic or self-aware??? I just.. I feel like I’m not allowed to feel any non-happy emotions.. just that I’m not allowed to be in control of my own feelings and that they’re not valid. I always feel so shit when I’m in a bad mood and I hate myself when I act in a negative manner because I don’t like hurting people, it makes me feel bad.

Even if my parents were to suddenly become nice and super caring about my emotions and shit... it wouldn’t feel right, I’d feel even more on edge and suspicious and it would feel weird. 

At this point my parents are aware that there’s really no career I’m particularly interested in, I mean software engineering is kinda my ‘I guess I have to pick something so it might as well be this’. At this point the only thing that really makes me happy is soccer and that’s something I fought so hard to keep but my parents fought just as hard to separate me from (bc of academics - in contrast, they allowed my brother to continue to play summer and winter sports and he sacrificed so much time to train for them, albeit they were for his school... mine is club but the thing is his school offers the same quality gameplay my club does bc my school does not offer anything).

I had girls who played in state teams telling me to try out bc they believed I was good enough and said I’d be pretty much in and after a lot of matches I get people/refs/coaches coming up to me telling me what an excellent keeper I am and what good saves I’ve had - there was 1 specific save I did that was top corner and a ref literally told me just after “that was a really good save”. I’ve had coaches and parents try to convince my parents to let me keep playing, offering to give me lifts, saying I don’t have to do training at all I can just play games. For 2 years. They gave up after 2 years.

Am I over-hyping myself? Am I even that good? I suppose that’s the only positive reinforcement I’ve had and I’d hope that’s an indication of my talent/worth.

At dinner after the Charger Incident(TM):

“be nice to each other, you’re siblings” implying that I’m not nice??

Comparison:

Whenever I walk into his room he usually threatens me with spraying me with deodorant or throwing things at me, usually objects that really hurt. I knock on his door more often than not before entering. Whenever I ask to borrow something: if he’s using it, it’s a straight up no even if I say I may need it more, when I ask to borrow books it’s usually a no or a hard won yes with me having to give something back in return like food etc. If I come into his room and take his shit I’ll pay.. usually in a harsh physical sense. Will be very mad and shit if I do into his room.

Whenever he walks into my room he doesn’t knock, he doesn’t announce his presence he just comes in and looks at my shit. Doesn’t ask me for things, will almost always just take it. He’s literally taken headphones from my room before without telling me and not returning it until I go to his room to take it back. Doesn’t give back a lot of shit I let him borrow. Will come into my room and eat any food I have there if it so pleases him. I don’t threaten him at all I only ever ask him to leave my room. He laughs at me and shit and acts as if he has the right to do whatever he wants (compared to how he acts when I’m in his room). When ‘he needs something more’ he just takes it. After giving away books he doesn’t want, will come into my room to take it back bc ‘he wants it back’. Generally will take everything and everything from my room even without telling me or returning it. Happens so much over the years.

Honestly, at this point, I wish I lived in the US even at the risk of getting shot because then it would be so much easier to be able to afford good schooling while taking part in College soccer which provides such good opportunities and is pretty much glorified. I’m very confident I’d be able to get into schools such as UCLA and stuff that have great soccer teams (almost confident if I tried a little I’d be able to achieve an acceptance to Stanford) but the only thing holding me back is pretty much living expenses and tuition that isn’t subsidised or not student loans for overseas. I just want that competitiveness and environment, it’s so crazy good. And I understand my parents are looking to retire and shit so it’s very out of the question... it’s just I’m aware of opportunities that would make me happy, albeit help back for financial reasons.

Used to think dad was on my side and shit until I had a little chat with him and he basically told me he had it worse bc his dad was bad (but the thing is both of my parents are/were never very emotionally there and shit and his mum was so damn nice to him) anyway I have no right to complain!

I talked to mum about ideal opportunities I’m looking at and she got bad at the fact that I wanna go to the US even tho living expenses are crazy expensive and I’m selfish for even thinking about my parents paying since dad wants to retire and I’m selfish etc.