#it’s v possible I need to start doing some sort of therapy again lmao

[mindmythorns]

uh oh… is that anger I feel creeping up ??

[prinxlyart]

Oh thos warm moments of redemption hit me right in the feels >///<. (I'mma definitely gonna compile all your headcanons in one doc and you can't stop me!). Anyways, now getting back to lumity (prepare thyselve because I'm HUNGRY): How does the redeemed Odalia's relationship with Luz and Willow develop? And regarding our three girls in particular, how do they act right after their proposals, during the wedding and on their honeymoon?

(Lmao please, lord knows I’ll never put any of these into a doc)

Hmmm, that’s a really good question. Er, several questions. Imma go in order of how they were asked.

[tw: for mentions of severe depression /thoughts of suicide starting with bullet #4. I’ll be sure to add the warnings before and after the section as well. Please continue with caution.]

Blight Parents’ relationship with their daughters-in-law:

I think just due to how they got to where they are by this point, they both have a soft spot for Luz. She’s the one that reached out to them in the first place after all of their kids left the family. They feel a v specific gratitude towards her and Camila both because these humans work so hard to get shit done. It’s an admirable trait. One they’re glad the Nocedas aimed at them. It’s taken so much time and energy to get the Blights be, like. Tolerable people? And then even more to get them to actually act like parents.

I think at first, any time they’re unsure of how to act or react to a situation, they’ll go to Luz for guidance. They’ve gone their whole lives up until just a few years ago acting a certain way and just flipping all that? It can be difficult to break those habits. Any time they feel they should react in anger or irritation or disgust, they stop and think “no, wait. What would Luz/Camila do? Would they get mad...?” And they just give her a look of confusion and guilt before Luz mimes the sort of reaction that would be healthiest. Any time Amity catches them literally looking to Luz on how to act supportive she just rolls her eyes. They’re trying and that’s what matters.

I think at first they just don’t know how to interact with Willow. They apologized for how they treated her in the past at great length, but Willow just sort of nodded along quietly. They weren’t used to that sort of reaction (granted they’ve only just started doing this “apologizing” thing for a few months at this point in time. They’re still getting the hang of it). So they sit uncomfortably for a while until Willow sighs and sort of sits up straighter. She’d resolved to tell them about how their careless and cruel treatment of Amity was the first step in a chain reaction to Willow’s life becoming absolutely miserable for years to follow.

Not only was she forced to lose her best friend at that birthday party, but she had to do so in the cruelest way possible. Amity explained to her years back that she pretended to not like her because she couldn’t do magic to hide the fact that her parents threatened Willow. Because the Blights are supposed to be perfect. Amity has always been smart and she knew what would happen if she let it slip that they had threatened her. If Willow knew the truth, she’d tell her dads and her dads would try to confront them about it. It would end up turning into a scandal (although Amity admitted she wasn’t familiar with the word at the time; it was just one of those words she heard her mom use a lot for situations that were bad). So as a result of Amity doing her part to “protect” the Blight name, she shunned Willow from her life and broke both their hearts in the process.

[TW: discussion of severe depression and thoughts/intentions of suicide. If you’re in a vulnerable headspace right now, please scroll until you see the next notice signaling the end of the section. And please, if you’re struggling with depression and/or thoughts of suicide, please please please seek professional help.]

Willow recounts the years of endless bullying, not always by Amity’s new friends, but often by them. She tells them how Amity wouldn’t necessarily participate so much as observe with a carefully schooled expression. And then there were times when Amity did bully her, and that hurt so much more than everyone else combined. All so she wouldn’t be publicly shamed or get in trouble with her parents for associating with someone like Willow.

She tells them that it literally took Luz coming into their lives for any of that to change. Amity had turned 7 on the birthday she cut Willow out of her life, and they were 14 when Luz showed up. Half of Willow’s entire life up to that point had been friendless (or nearly friendless) and so severely bullied that she was actually debating growing a Graveleaf plant to brew tea with. She still has to take a daily healing potion prescribed by her doctor to keep her mind from falling back to that same state it used to be in. Yes, her life has greatly improved ever since Luz showed up and helped repair her friendship with Amity. Yes, it’s only gotten better since then. Yes, she loves her fiancées with everything she has. But that doesn’t mean all that pain has suddenly been erased and it doesn’t always stop her brain from sinking back into its depressed state.

Needless to say, the Blights are absolutely floored with all of this information. They’re both frozen in shock, they don’t know what to do or say to such an admission. Willow just continues though. She tells them that she’s so grateful to have Amity back in her life. That with therapy, her daily medicine, and time, she’s come a long way from where she once was. Her bad days aren’t nearly as bad as they were when she was a kid. She has both of her fiancées to support her and love her when she’s feeling down. She tells them that no, she can’t forgive them for what they’ve done. But she accepts their apology and appreciates them making the effort to make things right. Seeing Amity happy because her parents are actually trying to be better makes Willow happy.

I think......Alador would be the one to go to Willow and kneel before her and take her hand, apologizing with as much intent as he can muster. He’s a little more in touch with his emotions these days than Odalia is, and he’s lost a family member to suicide before. He knows how devastating it can be to everyone around them and he’s mortified at the fact that Willow had almost done the same. He understands how much she means to Amity and he comes to the realization mid-apology that he could have very well lost his own daughter in a similar fashion had Willow gone through with that. Odalia goes white as a sheet at hearing that, steadying herself in her chair and it makes Willow feel queasy, but she’s glad that he understands the severity of what they’d done. She does put a hand to Alador’s shoulder to comfort him as he reels from this realization and he stands properly again to wrap Willow in a hug as he cried, still muttering apologies through his tears. I think it takes a while for Odalia to be able to speak again, but Willow is able to see that that struggle means it’s rocked her to her core. Once Odalia is able to also stammer out her own apologies, Willow just gives her a small smile and nods.

[END OF SECTION. Now it’s all fluff from here on out. Have fun, kids.]

After that discussion, Alador and Odalia double down on the whole “being better” thing. During one of their weekly tea meetings, they ask Camila how they might start doing that in their daily lives too, not just for their children. Camila doesn’t know the first thing about their jobs or what they do or the people they work with, so she tells them to make a list of things they can think of that might’ve been considered hurtful to some degree. The tea definitely goes cold long before the list is done; Camila actually needs to leave before they finish it. The next meeting, there’s a comically large scroll of shit they’ve done sitting on the table and they are sitting with their heads cowed in shame. I think Camila pops an ibuprofen before her headache settles in.

They still don’t know how to do nice things without throwing money at it first. That takes a while for them to wrap their heads around. Luz and Willow aren’t ones for like. Big, extravagant, expensive things. They prefer the heartfelt stuff, like hand-made gifts or thoughtful acts of service. (Amity, however, insists they accept her parents ridiculously expensive weekend getaway trip to the Iliac Crest Hot Springs; the top of the left hip bone of the Titan. A well-known vacation spot for romantic getaways. Willow only accepts because she knows they’d never be able to afford that on their own and Luz accepts it as a wedding gift and an opportunity to go to a part of the Boiling Isles she’s never explored before.)

Alador is like every dad ever; he loves talking about random trivia shit to anyone who will listen. Luz is literally the only person that will listen because even though she’s lived in the Demon Realm for years now, she still doesn’t know all the “fun facts” that everyone else has grown up with. Sometimes she’ll bring up points about random trivia bits Alador is going on about and put in her own two snails about something she’s experienced regarding it, and she and Alador will go back and forth for a while like that, talking about the stuff they’ve experienced relating to that thing. Willow thinks it’s adorable and Amity is mostly just exasperated (but she also thinks it’s cute and she loves watching her dad bond with her fiancée like this).

Odalia will occasionally ask Amity about her abominations and they’ll sort of awkwardly talk for a while about the technicalities and ingredients and Odalia will mention adding an ingredient Amity’s never even considered before. When she inquires further, Odalia tells her that she’ll sometimes work with a friend in the Emperor’s coven that specialized in the plant track to experiment with creating abominations with different kinds of ingredients for different tasks. Amity is shocked and impressed to hear about her own mother mixing magic and teases her for breaking the rules right under the emperor’s nose. Odalia stammers at that (she’s still getting used to Belos no longer being in power and the stigma against mixing magic still runs strong in her mind), but eventually admits that yes, technically she’s mixed magic. Amity makes her promise to show her how with Willow and they make a whole day of it.

Spending the day making weird abominations with Odalia Blight was Not something Willow thought she’d ever say she’d done, but hey. She didn’t think King could beat Luz in that one eating contest either because where does he put all that food, but he ended up winning anyway. Willow and Amity are actually super excited to try mixing their knowledge of magic together; it almost feels intimate in a way. It’s something neither have tried before and are able to try for the first time together because it’s their specialties. Odalia guides them through the process of mixing different types of plants into the abomination mixture to make abominations specific for extra strength or abominations that help enhance healing magic just due to its properties. They all end up having a lot of fun that day, just making all sorts of varieties of abominations. By the time the day is done, they’re all covered in abomination goop because one of them accidentally exploded. Luz managed to get a picture of them all laughing together and covered in goop before they go to clean up. It’s one of her favorite pictures.

As time goes on, things get less and less tense between the Blight parents and Luz and Willow (especially with Willow). They grow more comfortable with being good parents, good people, and just kinder and more loving in general. There’s one day when the Blights come to visit and they greet each girl with a hug and kiss without really realizing it. They all go to settle down in the living room, but Amity’s still frozen at the doorway, covering her mouth and trying desperately to wipe away the tears that crept up at the display of affection. No one else had thought anything of it, but that was the first time her parents had shown the same and love and affection to both of her wives without any hesitation or fear of crossing boundaries. She cherishes the memory of that moment often.

Proposal Reactions:

I genuinely don’t know how these girls would propose to each other. There’s any number of possibilities; they’re all so creative. The part of me that wants to make funny cartoons would have them each scrambling to figure out the best way to propose to each other and getting into ridiculous hijinks when they try to get their friends’ help (Amity would ask Emira and Edric [and the detention gang by extension; Viney’s remained best friends with Jerbo and Barcus after all this time]. Willow I think would recruit Gus and oddly enough, Lilith [she sees Eda as too much of a mother to Luz to feel comfortable with asking her to help her propose to her daughter]. Luz would definitely ask Eda, King and Camila to help but regret it almost instantly). Of course everyone would end up tripping over one another and each proposal attempt would end in disaster but all three girls would see the resulting destruction (maybe several things on fire?) and just laugh their asses off. Because wow, this could’ve gone so much better, but hey, you guys wanna get married?

The sappy romantic in me tho. Would want them to discuss it thoroughly before hand; agree that yes they’d love to get married, they’re just not sure if it’s the right time. But Luz, being the person she is, would go and recruit everyone’s help in coming up with the best proposal ever. Willow and Amity are both busy with their respective jobs just enough to not notice all the scheming going on. And then one day when all 3 of them have the same day off, Luz takes them out for a fun day (whatever that entails; maybe a day at a carnival or just wandering around town or something). At the end of the day, she takes them somewhere significant (this could literally be anywhere, Grom Tree is a good place because of the view it has over the cliff’s edge, but yknow. Whatever suits their relationship as a trio) and everything is decked out in lights and decorations. And Amity and Willow are both stunned and enthralled by the display and they turn to see Luz down on one knee and holding two small boxes, holding one out to each of them and a super nervous smile on her face. Amity and Willow maybe accidentally tackle her to the ground when they tried to hug her.

During the wedding:

I think they’re all stressed during the wedding itself. They’re excited, of course, a whole ceremony dedicated to the three of them vowing to spend the rest of their lives together. They aren’t capable of imaging a life without each other at this point. But that doesn’t stop the nerves from settling in.

Eda’s constantly telling Luz to calm down before the ceremony actually begins; Luz is found pacing and coming up with doomsday scenarios out loud at light speed like she always does when she’s nervous. Camila and Eda are also nervous, but they’re doing their best to keep it together for Luz’s sanity. Camila’s making sure (with Emira, as Em is the Maid of Honor) that everything is going smoothly and according to plan. But she has similar nervous habits to Luz when she doesn’t have something to focus her attention on. She ends up fussing over Luz’s hair and getting rid of any imaginary wrinkles in her outfit, making sure her makeup is perfect until Eda tells her to quit treating Luz like a dress up doll. Eda’s really good at pep talks, even when she’s nervous, but she manages to calm both Nocedas down with her patented Soft Encouraging Voice.

Amity’s freaking out in her own way in a separate room with all of her girls (Emira, Skara, a fully and properly redeemed Boscha). She’s freaking out similarly to Luz in that she’s mumbling to herself all sorts of ridiculous what-ifs and wishing desperately that she could just be with Luz and Willow already because they bring her the most comfort. She’s not pacing like Luz though, she’s sitting while Emira and Skara do some intricate thing with her hair while Boscha’s doing her makeup but that doesn’t stop her from wringing her hands and bouncing her leg (something that Boscha has to tell her to stop doing every 30 seconds or she’ll mess up the makeup she’s doing). Emira’s giving her advice for every little “what-if” she can hear coming out of Amity, with some silly remarks from Boscha and Skara that actually puts Amity somewhat at ease. Having her girls acting calm and natural did help. She thanks them for doing as much at the reception.

Willow’s trying to get herself into game mode with a pep talk. No place for nerves, only well-thought action. She’s actually got Viney there with her (who had to kick Gus out because he was crying at just the sight of Willow in her wedding dress), as well as Bo and Kat (I think those are the names of the two healing track girls....someone tell me if I’m wrong, but I think Bo is the one in the Human Appreciation Society and I think Kat is the one with the glasses that played on Boscha’s team in the Grudgby match). Willow’s girls are all hyping her up like she’s about to enter a Grudgby match rather than a wedding ceremony, and the ridiculousness of it all is staving off her nerves. Viney’s also giving her own personal experience as advice; she may or may not have tripped during her own wedding and is making sure Willow knows how to avoid that at all costs.

I genuinely don’t know what the role of the Best Man is, but I know in one of my past headcanon posts I mentioned that both Edric and Gus are asked to fill that role (there’s no such thing as rules when you’ve got a human and two witches getting married on the boiling isles). I think while Emira and Camilia are helping their respective brides-to-be get ready, Edric and Gus are taking over making sure everything is running smoothly and all the guests know where to go. When they’re just sort of standing around and waiting for their next task, Gus starts tearing up again at the thought of Willow in her dress. Willow’s like the big sister he never had and now she’s getting married. Gus is constantly having to perform minor illusions on his face to make it look like he’s not about to cry or has already been crying. Edric hasn’t seen Amity yet, but he’s secretly doing the same thing whenever their minds aren’t preoccupied with whatever Event Tasks they need to focus on.

I think.....rather than a one-by-one thing, all three of our girls enter at the same time from different doors. Luz comes in from the left side door, Amity comes in from the right, and Willow comes in from the main entrance at the back. Luz is practically vibrating with nerves and excitement and the only reason she doesn’t run to the front to sweep her beautiful girls into excited, passionate kisses is solely due to her own mother’s iron grip on her arm as she walks her up. I actually don’t know if Alador has redeemed himself enough at this point for Amity to allow him to walk her up to the front, but I also think Edric would be too much of a mess to do so. I think a lifetime of keeping up a mask helps Alador maintain his composure long enough to get Amity up to the front and to take his seat before he lets the waterworks take over. I actually don’t know which of Willow’s dads would walk her up; we don’t know enough about either of them to make personality judegement calls. Whichever dad can hold it together for longer, probably.

Polyamory isn’t a new thing on the Boiling Isles; it may not be practiced as often among witches, but demons do it all the time, so the person officiating their wedding (it could be literally anyone, I have no idea. Maybe principal bump, just for funsies) knows exactly how this ceremony needs to go. They all planned beforehand exactly the order they’d kiss one another once they were proclaimed officially married: Luz would be too excited to wait and would kiss each of her girls first, Amity then Willow, and then Amity and Willow would share their own kiss once Luz had gotten that out of her system.

Honeymoon:

I don’t know enough about honeymoons to know if there’s a difference between a honeymoon and a normal vacation except Now You’re Married. Maybe they go on a grand expedition around the Boiling Isles? Maybe they honeymoon in the Human Realm? That’s exactly like the proposal situation; it could be literally anything. Far too many variables and ideas that could make it perfect for each of them. Hell, they could probably just say they’re going out and doing all sorts of stuff and actually just locking themselves in their house so they can just be together and relish in the relief of no longer needing to plan such a large and important event. They can just enjoy each other’s company as Wives now. I really don’t know.

Regardless of what they do, I think they’d be like any other person on their honeymoon: absolutely love struck and over the moon with how much they love each other. Sometimes they’ll catch one another staring and tease each other about it ( “awww you liiiikkkke meeee” “we literally just got married” “yeah I know but stiiiiiillllllllll”)

I actually don’t know what else you expect me to put here, so I guess I’ll just say they lived happily ever after, the end.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #333

“imaginary chain  /  the one you never break  /  seething all alone”

Do you have any fears you would rarely admit to anyone? Nah, I'm pretty open about what I'm afraid of. What website do you spend most of your time on? YouTube. What class in high school did you struggle with the most? I honestly don't remember with certainty, but it was probably math or economics. At least, I think econ was my senior year. What could you talk about for hours? Mark, meerkats, a few game franchises... maybe a couple more topics. Who is your favorite character from Harry Potter? I wouldn't know. Do you salt your popcorn? Yes. Do you have a Steam account? Yeah, but I don't have many games on there and rarely touch the ones I do. Do you like gaming? I do, but not as much as I did for most of my life. I mostly just play WoW now, and even that I'm not that into anymore. Part of it though comes from not buying any new games that I'm interested in because 1.) no money and 2.) no proper console, and you can only replay games so many times before you're just... yeah, done. Do you like reading books? Some days. Do you like religion? All things considered? No. Do you like Grand Theft Auto V? Y'know, growing up, I actually liked watching my younger neighbor play one of those games, but I don't remember which. Though he never actually "played" it... just ran around wreaking havoc, lol. I do however think GTAV was the one that Jason and Jacob started playing together when we moved into the apartment, and I thought the story was okay; I don't think they ever got far into it, though. Definitely wasn't Jason's sort of game, and I don't think it was too much up Jacob's alley, either. Can you twerk? I haven't tried and you will never see me try either, lmao. Do you have a Spotify account? Yes, but I almost never use it. If the last person you kissed tried to kiss you again, would you start kissing them back? Yes. If your best friend of the opposite sex tried to kiss you, would you start kissing them back? No. Have you ever kissed someone who has previously kissed someone you hated? Yes, because of how badly she hurt him. I don't have any negative feelings towards her now, though. We're actually friends, haha. The irony. Are you an easy lay? What weird wording. But whatever, quite the polar opposite actually. When’s the last time you said you were sorry? A few days ago. Are there any songs you listen to everyday? No. Would you like living on the coast? As someone who lives in a state hit by hurricanes usually every year and has seen the incredible damage they usually bring to the coast, no. I don't like the smell or gritty feel of salty air, either. When’s the last time you were really late to something? No idea. That's usually not a problem with me. Why did you stop liking the last person you liked? The last person I actually stopped like-liking would be Girt, and that would be because I just came to the realization I saw him too much as my brother instead of boyfriend. It just always felt awkward. Do you still talk to that person? Yeah, we're good. No hard feelings or anything between us. Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? No. Do you trust easily? Fuck no. I'll be cautious, at least to some degree, about new people for a while. What is the last song to make you cry? Since I've actually behaved and not listened to any trigger songs, it's been a long while, but it was probably "Another Life" by Motionless In White. Last person you hung up on? I'm sure some automated message. I barely ever answer the phone to numbers I don't recognize, though. Where was your last car ride to and from? To Wal-Mart w/ Mom to pick up our order and then back home. Next big outing? *shrug* Do you find it difficult to stay invested in online relationships? Not really, no. Considering I'm by far my most authentic self online, I actually tend to appreciate virtual friends more, if I'm being honest. I try to keep up with those people. Are you the type of person who pays close attention to the release dates of movies, music, etc., and will, for example, go see a movie or buy an album on the date it is released? If so, when is the last time you did so? Not really, no. I think I saw Warcraft the day it came into theaters, though. Do movies often make you cry? What kind of films/scenes make you tear up most? Yep. Tragic romance tends to do it the most, I think. Do you use any apps to track your health or medications? I have one to track my menstrual cycle as well as another that tracks my daily caloric intake, but I'm bad at using it because it's tedious if I actually have to measure something. Whose opinions/recommendations do you value most? Ummm if you mean like, in general, probably my mom's. But this most certainly depends on the subject I'm taking feedback on. What is something society "expects" you to do that you don't want to do and/or don't plan on doing? Shaving my legs came to mind first. Granted, I will if there is almost any chance of someone seeing them, but otherwise, I just don't care. We respect women with body hair on this account and see them as no less feminine. Are you interested in architecture? Is there any particular style that you're drawn to? I think it's cool, yeah. I should have an answer for this, given architecture was a massive focus in Art History the last time I was in school... Roman architecture comes to my head first, if that says anything. What was one of your favorite things from the nineties? BOY OH BOY, SO MUCH!! I'm probably gonna say the toys. There was some dope shit, man. Do you collect things pertaining to an animal? ANYTHING and EVERYTHING featuring a meerkat!!!!! :''') Do you wish that people were kinder to spiders? Well, yes. I hope everyone in their heart wishes this, even if they're afraid of them. They're very important to our ecosystem, and none are out there to harm us; their existence does us a favor. Where do you normally order pizza from? Domino's (my favorite) or LIttle Caesar's for the price. Did your parents keep anything of yours from when you were a baby? Oh yes, loads of stuff that's stored away somewhere. Do you own one of those "____ For Dummies" books? No, but I feel like we had one at some point? What was the last VHS tape that you watched? Yikes, who knows. Did you watch Boy Meets World back in the day? I actually didn't, no. Our old neighbor though loved it so much that she named her daughter Tapanga (deliberately spelled that way). Who is your favorite Scooby Doo character? I never really had one. Maybe Thelma. If I were to give you a coloring book, what would you want its theme to be? Animals. Have you ever won a stuffed animal at a carnival? Possibly a small one. I can tell you I did however accidentally stab the guy who ran the dart-throwing booth though, lmfao. He was obviously fine, and it wasn't a bad wound. I felt SOOOOOO bad. Are you a fan of narwhals? I'm a fan of any animal. Narwhals are definitely fascinating creatures. Grape or orange soda? Orange. Grape-flavored soda ain't my thing. Have you ever wanted to vlog? Noooo. My life is so painstakingly boring and repetitive. Did you have a favorite Disney movie as a child? It was and still is The Lion King. Do you or have you ever owned a portable gaming console? Yeah, a GameBoy Advance and Nintendo DS. Is shyness cute? It definitely can be. Have you ever had alcohol poisoning before? No. Do you like to gossip, or do you prefer to keep your mouth shut? I'm not a gossip fan. Have you ever vandalized someone else’s property before? Most definitely not. Are your parents divorced? Yes. Have you ever been under suicide watch for 72 hours in a psychiatric ward? Yes; at least here, that's protocol when you're admitted for suicidal thoughts/tendencies. Have you ever gone through your significant other’s phone or social media accounts, or do you respect their privacy? Absolutely not. That shit pisses me off so badly. Do you wear any sort of clothing for religious reasons? No. What's something you worked extremely hard to get? My sanity back. Sounds so dramatic, but I'm literally not kidding. Have you ever been labeled negatively or otherwise been called something extremely derogatory? Not that I remember. How many kids do you want to have? I don't want kids, but to entertain the question, when I did, I wanted three. It's fuckin wild to imagine for even a second that I once wanted that. Do you believe that being gay is a sin? *eye roll* Are you any good at photography? If so, what’s your specialty? I mean it with modesty, but I think I'm pretty good. My favorite thing to photograph are animals, but I generally take most pictures of people by request or pay. Judging by my deviantART account, my nature pics definitely get the most attention. Have you ever been a member of a gang before? Fuckin yikes, no. An infamous gang tried breaking into my childhood home once, so you can probably gather that I would never take part in their "big bad guys" bullshit. Have you ever felt like you were neither male nor female? No, I'm comfortable as a cisgender female. Do you like oatmeal raisin cookies? NO. Anything with raisins = NO. Do you think you’re attractive? No. Has a teacher ever caught and read a note you were passing in class? No, not that I really passed notes to begin with. I'd be mortified, regardless of what it was about. Would you rather live in a tropical or arctic climate? Arctic. Do you have an older brother? Yes. He's technically my half-brother, but I don't see "half"s. Have either of your parents ever been to jail? No. Are your collarbones prominent? Bitch I wish so I could get the damn dermal piercings I've wanted for years. Have you ever in your life worn overalls? As a kid, yeah. So ugly. Do you love yourself? It's... weird. Therapy is making me realize that a part of me, maybe even the bigger one, doesn't, but at the exact same time, I know I have worth just like every other human. I just don't treat myself like I do. What TV shows do you keep up with? None, until Meerkat Manor returns this summer. :') When’s the last time it snowed where you live? A couple months ago we got a little bit of it. Is your belly button pierced? No, but it would be if I was actually skinny. Just in my personal opinion, I don't at all think that that piercing would look nice on someone as overweight as me. Even if my damn dreams come true and I lose all the weight I want, my stomach will never look "normal," even after I get the excess skin removal surgery that will be very high on my priority list for my own self-image that's been nothing but loathsome since 2016. What is your favourite dinosaur? Spinosaurus is the obvious answer. What do you remember the most about your childhood? Lots of imagination. Parents arguing. Playing with my little sister. What age did you get your first hair cut? I have no idea. Do you have a favourite toy from childhood still? No. I wish I hadn't gotten rid of it. Have you ever made bread? No. Would you ever consider shaving your head? Nah. Would you like to live in a realm where the zombie apocalypse is possible? Who says we don't now? Zombifying parasites already exist among insects and such, so like... it's not unimaginable to one day see one developed enough to infect humans. I sure as fuck hope not, but. What do you use to dry your clothes? (Tumble dryer, radiator, etc) We have a dryer. Do you ever play the built-in games on your computer? Which ones? Nah. What was the last spontaneous thing you did? I did this many, many months ago, but I guess watch an episode of The Witcher by my own volition. I don't really do spontaneous things with how routine I am, but I had a random urge to check it out one morning. How loud can you whistle? Not very loud at all. Does anything on your body hurt or itch right now? My knees really hurt. They're getting worse. When was the last time you built a sandcastle? There's noooo telling, it's been many years. Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull? No. Well, not a *real* one, anyway. Just the little ones for kids. If you had to appear on a game show, which one would you choose? Family Feud. What is your favorite hot beverage? Hot chocolate. Do you have an alter ego? Describe them: No. Food: Are you adventurous or do you stick to what you know? I absolutely stick to what I know. I am SO picky. Is there anything (out of the obvious) that makes you feel really ill? I'm not immediately sure, but there's probably something. Do you bump into things often? Yes. I've always had this weird habit of like... drifting when I walk, so I do this easily. I just kinda wander to the sides a bit without realizing it. What design is on your calendar this year? I don't have a current one. Did you enjoy playing Hop Scotch when you were younger? I did. Do you feel uncomfortable going to the movies by yourself? Nah, not really. I did that with Warcraft and it was actually pretty chill. When thinking about your dream home, what do you think would be your favorite thing to shop for? The ~g o t h i c~ decor. Do you ever listen to those lo-fi hip hop/study music playlists on YouTube/Spotify? No. Are you likelier to work harder if you’re being paid? If not, what drives you to give your best effort? I mean, yeah. I'd assume that's pretty normal. Does the fashion sense of a potential partner matter to you? No. Is there anything that you prefer to write down rather than type? I'm unsure. If you download/torrent things, do you remember the first thing you ever torrented? Oh, the Limewire days of music pirating... but no, I don't remember. What was the last thing you posted on Instagram? Something photography-related, but I don't feel like checking. What do you wish your hair looked like? I wish I could pull off pastel pink hair rn. It also desperately needs a trim. Do you still feel anything for the first person you fell in love with? I'm sure I always will, at least a little. Do you get any magazines in the mail? No. Have you ever paid for any kind of online membership? Uhhhhh have I? I don't think so. Who’d you last see in a tux? Probably the groom of the last wedding I shot. Do you record any TV shows and watch them later? No, but I used to do that big time because I loved "rewatching" stuff when I was on the computer. Out of everyone you know, who was the most heart? My mother, big time. Who’s the bravest person you know? Also my mother. Or Sara. What profession do you admire the most? Teachers might just win. The patience that must take, among so many other things. Have you ever made a fake profile, for any reason? No.

[binary-colour]

Falsettos UK time

So I just went to see the UK production of Falsettos last night and kind of wanted to word vomit all my thoughts and key parts of it onto a post so that I can preserve the amazingness in my mind for as long as possible.

Basically, I’ve been obsessed with this show for a while now and it lived up to every expectation possible. The cast were incredible, the singing was outstanding and my mum sobbed solidly through the second act.

FYI - we had the male cover Matthew McKenna as Whizzer (I was a bit worried at first but he was incredible)

This is v v long so read at own risk ig. Also, spoilers!

Four Jews was portraying Jason’s birth (like, the ‘slavery’ was Trina going into labour). It worked really well actually, especially for people who had no idea what the show was about (ie 90% of the audience lmao) It was also Trina in it more than Jason, but there was this hilarious bit when they did the ‘I’m Mendel!��� etc. section and Trina went ‘I’m-‘ and got cut off Also Whizzer piggybacked Jason, my heart

Tight Knit Family - as you’d expect I guess, Daniel’s voice was 👌 Also Marvin did ‘friend’ in airquotes and Whizzer did this mega eye roll lmao

Love is Blind - I guess there wasn’t much else different, just that they all stood in the photo frames when Trina sung about them which was a v nice touch ¯\_(ツ)_/

Thrill of First Love - Whizzer was,, a lot more argumentative than I expected I guess? Like, almost a bit aggressive? But overall it was great, they were so snarky and less sexual than the revival (which my asexual ass didn’t mind) apart from one reaaaach. They also had v good chemistry to say it wasn’t Oliver performing.

Marvin At The Psychiatrist - the staging was pretty similar to revival. Whizzer was watching from the top and he made all these offended faces when Marvin and Mendel were talking about him (when they said he was ‘smarmy’ he did this Offended Gay expression it was great). Then Trina started unbuttoning her shirt in Pt. 2 and Mendel got really flustered, it was wild. Everyone was dying from laughter. Also, ‘it’s queer Mr Marvin… sorry, it’s strange Mr Marvin’ deserves its own shoutout

My Father’s A Homo/Everyone Tells Jason to See A Psychiatrist - Elliot is a star, what more can I say. His voice is soo good as well. When Whizzer arrived Trina and him did this 😒 face at each other.

I’m Breaking Down - I thought no-one could come close to Stephanie’s iconic performance in the revival, but Laura rocked it. She was setting the table for Mendel coming, and it had this mega chaotic energy where she threw the bananas around and screamed ‘shIT’ when they fell onto the floor. For the ‘fulfill his needs’ bit she really aggressively ripped the top of the banana off and peeled it lmao. Also, she was drinking from the wine bottle for one of the choruses and humming, it was amazing. 

Jason’s Therapy - Jason was definitely the most mature one in this scene haha. After Mendel did his first dance sequence, Jason just put a hand on his shoulder to stop him and sighed before he said the ‘is this therapy?’ bit.  Marvin and Trina sat drinking at the side of the stage the whole time lmao. When it was the second ‘is this therapy?’ line, they both held up their glasses for the ‘yES!’. Also, for the final bit Marvin, Trina and Whizzer all came on singing into glasses and slapping their legs with plates lmao.

Marriage proposal - I saw a few people saying that this was a bit ~creepy~ rather than cute, and I guess I see what they mean? But they didn’t do the weird vampire wrist grab like the revival, so I guess that’s a plus. Trina was very confused the whole time, bless her, and for the ‘start to cry’ she was like ‘I’m not??’ and then Mendel starting blubbering. Plus, Jason sang the ‘biblical times?’ first one rather than Trina, and Marvin did this Super Sassy ‘bIbLiCaL tImEs’ that was hilarious.

Trina’s Song/March of the Falsettos - This was staged as a nightmare sequence, which brought some sense to the madness of MoTF. Like, when she woke up she continued with the song, it worked really well. I also really liked that they reenacted the wedding scene from 4 Jews as part of it, it really showed Trina’s fear that something bad would happen again.

The Chess Game - Wow, this was... intense. Whizzer was super snarky, so Marvin got mad at him pretty quickly. It was so funny though, especially when it was Whizzer saying the ‘move a pawn’ bit and he sat in his chair like Marvin and acted all stern. Marvin was drinking solidly, so when Whizzer ‘won’ and knocked over a ton of pieces he lobbed the board off stage and hit a few things. Whizzer backed off pretty quick looking scared and Marvin was apologetic until the ‘Whizzer’s supposed to make the dinner’ bit, when he got Whizzer’s suitcase and packed it for him on stage before throwing it at him.  Also, the ‘this had better come to a stop’ was targeted at the liquor bottle.

Making a home – Mendel came on with only a house plant and it got kicked out of the house anyway lmao I relate. The dog bit Jason’s chessboard rip.

The Games I Play – this was performed so well my mum almost cried. It was much softer than any other version I’ve heard and more… spoken? But the notes at the end were belted and spot on, but he still had the slight tremor like he was tearing up. Your heart really went out for Whizzer, especially as the Motel projected on the screens on his side were mirrored by the homely ones on the other.

Marvin Hits Trina – Marvin didn’t tear up the invitation but he did hit a lot of stuff. Mendel also seemed a lot less angry at him when Marvin first came in then the revival – I guess Marvin was somewhat drunk in this. He also looked MAD at Whizzer whenever he sang his bits, apart from when Whizzer chokes up a bit when he says he doesn’t love him, and you see Marvin falter a bit then before he shouts at everyone. The lights went red when he hit Trina, which really added to the effect (although they were a bit late whoops)

I Never Wanted to Love You – Jason was crying and hugging Trina after Marvin hit her, and Mendel came and surrounded them in this big ~protective dad~ way. Marvin looked genuinely sorry as well, which was nice I guess.

Father to Son – The staging of this was really simple – they were just sat on the floor centre stage face-to-face. But it was so heartfelt, and Marvin looked like he was going to cry for most of it. And at first, Jason was a bit hesitant to hug him after what happened before, but you could see how relieved Marvin was when he did.

Falsettoland – Mendel pointed at the audience for the ‘homosexuals’ and ‘mother with children’ lmao. The tiny band was the wedding ring too. Whizzer was introduced back on with ‘homosexual’ and he did this offended ‘really’ gesture it was great. No Nancy Reagan punchbag unfortunately, but the lesbians came on holding signs saying Love Is Love <3. Marvin and Trina seemed a lot more friendly in this too, which was a nice touch!

Year of the Child – Mendel was Too Scared to really disrupt the arguments haha. Trina was fierce, Marvin suggested the caterers really sheepishly and she basically bit his head off it was hilarious. And when the lesbians arrived with the food, she literally said off-mic ‘you’ve got to be kidding me’ to Marvin. At the end, Jason ran off because they were all too ~excited~ and the last part of the song was spent looking for him lmao.

Miracle of Judaism – ‘Jo… what’s the name of that bitch?’ im dead

Baseball Game – Jason had a pretty good swing before Whizzer even arrived to be honest. The lesbians fully got up and yelled at the umpire it was great. Mendel got up to sing his bit, and Marvin and Trina just sort of led him to sit back down and apologised offstage. Whizzer kept teasing Marvin back about the hairline comments, and Marvin just mournfully rubbed his head like ‘I know.’ It was hilarious.

A Day in Falsettoland – Charlotte and Cordelia were the patients and they were both amazing. Mendel wasn’t even sorry about the name. Charlotte literally spat the food back onto Cordelia’s plate, she didn’t even hide it lmao. ‘Maybe in a mile I’ll be okay.’ ‘a mILE?’ Same Mendel. Also, Trina runs with weights? Raquetball worked really well to say there was such little space on stage. It was nice to see the softer side to Marvin and Whizzer’s relationship, the occasional kisses throughout the game.

Everyone Hates His Parents – it was pretty similar to the revival, except Mendel and Jason both did a mega cartwheel?! I was shocked, it was perfect. Also, Trina cried ‘you’re killing me!’ to Jason after he said he didn’t want the bar mitzvah, which made the ‘kill you mother’ verse a bit more understandable lmao. Also, Trina kept giving Marvin these ‘seriously?’ looks during that whole song.

What More Can I Say - this was so sweet, so Domestic. Marvin was like this happy puppy. Whizzer basically fell asleep reading, and Marvin was taking his glasses off and putting the book aside, it was v sweet

Something Bad is Happening - lovely singing from the lesbians, extra runs! They were So Good together. When Whizzer collapsed (it was a proper keel over too), Marvin lifted his head and shoulders into lap and sang it straight to him. It was v sweet and sad, Whizzer was crying and apologising to him :’(

Holding to the Ground - this is such a beautiful song, and Laura sounded incredible. They were setting up the set behind her, but there were sirens and a heart monitor came on when they helped Whizzer into the hospital bed.

Days like this - Marvin brought this awful cheesy card, and Whizzer just held it up to the audience like ‘what’. But he kept reading the on Trina and Mendel brought and showing it to Marvin. The Whizzer/Trina solidarity was v sweet, he kissed her cheek and things when they arrived.

Cancelling the Bar Mitzvah - Jason started properly crying into Trina who cried as well. It was so raw and emotional, you really felt their fear for what is happening. My only qualm was that they cut part out?? It’s one of my favourite lines, when Mendel sings the ‘becoming a man’ bit :s

Four Unlikely Lovers - now this was heartbreaking. Marvin went and cried at the end of the hospital bed at the beginning, and he sobbed at Whizzer’s ‘our bed’. They were really sweet though, always kissing foreheads or holding hands and things - I don’t think they let go all song. Cordelia and Charlotte also came in holding hands <3

Side note! Whizzer seemed in a lot more pain in this!! Which made me really sad 

Something Bad (reprise) - Jason was watching Charlotte sing it instead of Marvin, I guess it was almost like her preparing him for what was going to happen to his Dad too?!

You Gotta Die Sometime - this was sooo well sung, it was pretty soft and then he started breaking down at end instead of belting the note :’’( Until Jason came in and he was like ‘um where’s your parents??’

Jason’s Bar Mitzvah - it had such a nice tight-knit ( ;) ) feeling to it which was really bittersweet. Mendel came in hiding balloons v unsuccessfully behind his back. The took the photo again, which was great (although not bitter they didn’t use the camera effect in that for the line in Everyone Tells Jason to See A Psychiatrist or anything). When Jason sung the prayer, he waved away the book and stood on table v proud. Then Jason sort of beckoned Whizzer over, which made him collapse onto the floor and Jason was taken off screaming for him. It was heartbreaking.

What Would I Do - the one that finally broke me. It was so so sad, Whizzer was still alive collapsed in bed so they sung it to each other and held held hands until he flatlined at end. On stage. My God.

At the end, the rest of the family all crowded around the bed and surrounded Marvin (who was properly sobbing). Mendel blew the candle that had been lit for the Bar Mitzvah out, and the photo they took came up on screen.

So, conclusion, see this show NOW before it ends its ridiculously short run. Honestly. You won’t regret a penny.

[ofsvges]

cailin russo. cisfemale. she/her.  ／  sage morrissey just pulled up blasting girl anachronism by the dresden dolls— that song is so them! you know, for a twenty-three year old singer/songwriter / AGT judge, i’ve heard they’re really -cavalier, but that they make up for it by being so +self-reliant. if i had to choose three things to describe them, i’d probably say lipstick-stained cigarette butts, irreverent lyrics screamed into a microphone, and neon lights reflected on pavement. here’s to hoping they don’t cause too much trouble! ( cailin russo, kiiara, & the dresden dolls/amanda palmer vc )

hello angels it’s ya girl lainie w my Edgy gay daughter !! i haven’t played her in a hot minute n i’m so.....excited come hmu for plots or like this and i’ll come @ u. also this got rly long i feel like so i apologize in advance yfteygrhujs

tws for: death, drug use/abuse, minor mention of/allusion to child abuse

so FIRST of all, sage is marnie’s half-sister; when their dad left marnie’s mom, it was because the other woman he was seeing in secret--sage’s mom--had already had a kid two years ago, and he was just narcissistic and gross enough to decide at that point that he didn’t wanna deal with kids from marnie’s mom too, thus leaving her to fend for herself while he finally prioritized (if that’s what you want to call it) sage and her mom. sage had no idea growing up that somewhere else in new york, her father--whom she hated--had an entire family he’d chosen to neglect in favor of making sage’s and her own mother’s lives hell.

he was an angry, aggressive person, and though he'd never done more than squeeze sage’s arm too hard when he was mad, he often threatened to, and the way he screamed at her was traumatizing. the whole thing scared the hell out of her when she was little and she developed a deep loathing for him because of that and because of the way he treated her mother. it was just wildly misogynistic and demeaning and even as a kid sage felt it in her bones that it was wrong.

he passed away when she was eight years old and it fucked sage up big time. not because she loved or missed him, but because she felt relieved. she was glad, and it scared the shit out of her to realize she could feel that way about her own father's death. for a long time it caused huge internal conflict and sage spent her teenage years acting out; she was having sex and doing drugs at a young age, ditching classes, doing dumb shit and running from the cops, etc etc. meanwhile her dad hadn’t left them much money and her mom was estranged from her own parents, leaving her to work two jobs and deal with sage’s rebellion on her own. 

she’d been teaching herself to play guitar since she was eight and piano since she was eleven and in high school, sage’s teenage angst and inner demons finally pushed her to start writing music as a coping mechanism and outlet. it wasn’t until she was twenty, however, that a girl she was dating got her to start putting that music online; long story short, she got discovered on youtube, had a huge first hit with her single “gold” (kiiara), another with her second single “pink sand” (cailin russo), and the debut album itself went platinum. she’s grown up a lot since high school but still retains that rebellious fuck-you aesthetic and is known for the biting sarcastic wit of her lyrics and the chaotic way her sound jumps from one style to another. like her Pop music is the kiiara and cailin stuff and her more irreverent (and probably less popular) stuff is the dresden dolls/amanda palmer stuff. they’re all mixed up together on the two albums she’s released which i have yet to sort out yfgdhjs

she laughed so fuckingugyfsegdhus hard when she got asked to be an agt judge this season but then she did it ??? and she gets such a kick out of it. she’s so ruthless but like. ya girl keeps it real

she doesn’t do hard drugs anymore; she did two stints in rehab, once when she was 19 and then again at 21, and the second time it actually stuck. she smokes a huge amount of weed so she can be kind of spacey but it rly just....keeps her grounded oddly enough. part of it ofc is that she still hasn’t fully healed from everything with her dad--and then finding out about his second family--but she’d never admit that and has talked about it in interviews MAYBE once very vaguely.

big top energy

she can come off like kind of a pretentious bitch but like she’s actually not tsyyeguhs lowkey she’s v non judgmental and chill she just like. has an attitude sometimes idk. she’s extremely extremely independent, doesn’t like relying on other people, needs to feel like she’s in control of her own life. i see her having had problems with record labels bc of that

overall she’s a rly good friend if she’s invested in the relationship but if she gets annoyed or starts catching the wrong vibes she’s pretty quick to cut someone out of her life. some of that is an actual maturity where she’s able to do what she needs to do for herself to be emotionally healthy, but part of that is also a defense mechanism and can end up ruining relationships that could have been fixed

also she’s very close to her mom now (they had problems when she was a teenager but after her second time in rehab, they put the effort into healing the relationship through a lot of therapy) and takes care of her now so she doesn’t have to work. there’s some part of her that feels like she needs to make up for what her dad did and tries to make her mom’s life as comfortable and luxurious and stress free as possible. her mom is a cute supportive twitter mom getting excited about sage’s music

connection ideas

music collabs!!! pls!!! and people she’s toured with maybe?? gimme all that stuff

a past pr relationship from when she was still newer to this whole Fame thing and thought it was a good idea, but it probably just ended rly badly bc eventually sage was like ???? lmao no

a good influence ! somebody who’s always there encouraging her to stay off the hard stuff and do her best :(

also a bad influence i love angst

someone SHE’S a bad influence on. either in the past w hard drugs or currently where it’s just like......they’re too soft for how wild and blunt and controversial sage tends to be

ex girlfriends thank u. also maybe a........guy she dated in hs before she came out. it would be so soft if they were rly good friends now 

fwb, ewb, one night stands that turned angsty (or not), literally anything along those lines

her RIDE OR DIE she would literally do anything for and would probably be her roommate too

[e-namor-a]

Masked Pt. VIII

Ok so this fic keeps fucking growing. I swear to God, it’s ridiculous lmao. This entire thing was originally something like 10k but I split it up into two sections cuz I thought it was too long? This wraps up this arc and then we get to the part I wrote 10 fucking months ago and by far my favorite part of this entire thing.  Anyway... Here we go folks CW: death, murder, self harm, (that’s all i think) pt. i/ pt. ii/ pt. iii/ pt. iv/ pt. v/ pt. vi/ pt. vii

You were so fucking overwhelmed. You couldn’t figure out what you were feeling.  You knew you were livid, absolutely furious. You could taste it in the pit of your belly. It had been a year and finally, you had seen him. And it had been a fucking disaster.  Now, all you wanted to do now was hit something, or get blackout drunk again. 

And that’s how you found yourself sitting in Daniel’s waiting room. You were freezing your ass off, goddamn air conditioning and goddamn cocktail dress, but you knew if you had headed to your apartment you would’ve changed and gone to your favorite bar, gotten drunk off your ass and ended up in someone's bed. You had promised Tony you would try harder, and you were going to do your best to keep your promise. So there you were, sitting in his waiting room, peeling the label off the water bottle you had gotten from the mini-fridge next to you. You were starting to zone out, drifting in and out of memories that had started to play in your mind since your encounter with James. You were so in your head, you kicked instinctively, barely missing, when Daniel had crouched down in front of and placed his hand on yours. “Holy shit.” Daniel breathily laughed, flat on his ass, his glasses askew, green eyes wide. “Jesus Christ. It’s instinct. Fuck. I’m sorry Daniel,” you mumbled, having snapped up in your seat and pressed your fingers to your mouth in horror of what you had done. “Y/N, hon, it wasn’t your fault. I spooked you. Considering your training, I think that it’s an understandable reaction. Let’s go into my office and talk, yeah?” Daniel had stood up and extended his hand out to you. You stared at his outstretched hand, wanting to grab it but unable to do so. So instead you clasped your hands around the water bottle and stood up, walking forward into Daniel’s office. You tried to avoid touching people when sober. It made you feel antsy. 

You walked into the blue office, and sat in your favorite red velvet chair, facing the door, back to wall, the perfect vantage point and tucked your legs under you smoothing your short dress down over your thighs. You started picking at the hem automatically, thigh twitching. You knew the smart thing was to come talk to Daniel, but fuck if you didn’t just want to run out instead. Staying meant talking about James, something that you had resolutely avoided for months. Daniel had no clue James existed. You had made sure to never even insinuate that you had once been in a relationship. “So, Y/N, as happy as I am to see you, what brings you here? I gather something bad to bring you in on a day you’re not scheduled.” Daniel had seated himself across from you, his back against a big window overlooking the city skyline. “So what happened? Did your nightmares get worse? Are you sleeping less?” You had started to fidget more intensely. You knew you would have to open your mouth to speak but you didn’t know if you were ready. You had shared your past: your mother, your sister, your father and your upbringing, your friendship with Tony. It had taken time, a lot of prodding and some horrible nights but you had managed to spill as much as you could. You trusted Daniel as much as you possibly could, everything considering. 

There were only a few things you had kept entirely hidden, your relationship with James, your missions and the death of your father. You had never shared that last one with anyone. As far as you knew, only you, your handler and about 5 other agents knew the truth of what had happened. It was a secret you guarded even closer than the death of your family. It was the final nail in the coffin of who you were. For the most part, you refused to even acknowledge what happened. 

But now you had to tell Daniel those secrets. They had to come out because you promised Tony and you wanted something more and you had run into James and you were spiraling quickly. You sighed deeply, letting the breath out steadily before you began, “I had a therapist before you. I saw her for a while. I started after I took on a deep undercover off-the-books mission. I thought I was ready, that it would be some sort of closure for me, you know?” You took another deep breath, letting it out steadily, steeling yourself, “But it wasn’t. It was the hardest mission I had ever been on and it took a lot out of me. I came back a shell of myself. I was just going through the motions”, you swallowed hard. Memories you hadn’t shared with Daniel, were bubbling under your lips, desperate to escape. 

You shifted, trying to alleviate some anxiousness, your legs were tucked next to you, arm crossed over your chest. “My… my partner… well, he didn’t really notice what was going on with me. He had his own issues and his work was really taxing, and he had horrible mental scars and I was hiding what was going on too well. He just… didn’t notice. We kind of ended up out of sync, and it really affected our… relationship. So I ended up in therapy.” You scratched the back of your neck, hiding as much of your face as you could from Daniel. You felt overexposed and you hated it. “Can I ask what the mission was? Are you allowed to tell me?” Daniel looked at you, eyes unreadable. “It’s ok if you can’t. Remember you set the boundaries here, Y/N. You’re in charge. You shook your head, you had to tell him but you couldn’t get the words out. They wouldn’t come out. Daniel smiled gently and opened his mouth to continue but you blurted out the answer, vomiting the words, “I was sent to kill my father’s second in command. But the intel I was given was dated. He knew who I was. He knew my story. He knew I was coming and rather than face me or the people who had sent me, he decided death was preferable. I found his body. But before that, I found the bodies of his two children, a small boy, and his teenage daughter. The girl looked like my sister and I was instantly shoved into my past. Into what I did. “

“Thank you for answering. Was there something else?”, Daniel asked softly. You shook your head emphatically, biting your lip so hard you thought you’d draw blood. “Ok, that’s fine. So, you were in a relationship? Was it a long one?”, Daniel asked kindly. “Several years. I thought it would be for the rest of my life.” “What happened?”

You squirmed internally as you tried to figure out what to do. Logically, you should tell him. Daniel should know. But the last time you had trusted this way, you had been betrayed twice. Tony was counting on you, you were counting on you. You wanted more and it was time to put up or shut up. 

“He cheated on me”, you blurted out. You cringed. It still hurt like a fresh wound. You shook your head, tugging harshly on a strand of hair before continuing, “From what I’ve pieced together, it started soon after I started going to see her. I had had to leave for several months on a mission and I think that that’s when they started getting closer to each other. I kept leaving for work and that coupled with therapy and the stress of both, it was too much. I pushed him to her and he cheated.”

You had ripped the seam in your dress and were picking at the loose thread. “Her name was Mariah. She was a pretty bubbly blonde. Always wore these ridiculous heels. Rain, shine, snow, always wearing these giant heels. I’ve managed to make myself almost forget what she looks like but I’ll never forget those fucking heels. I can still hear them clicking down my fucking hallway. We used to bond over how put together she was, nails done, hair nice, full face of makeup and designer clothes. We’d laugh because I was so tired all the time and my put together was a little chapstick, maybe some mascara if I could handle it.” You let out a dry chuckle, “Christ.” The loose thread had gotten longer, you were quickly unraveling the entire hem. You couldn’t find it in you to care. It was a beautiful dress, worth a lot of money but you just didn’t care. You felt the need to destroy something. “I left the city the night I caught him balls deep in her. Ran for a while until I called Tony and ended up back here. I didn’t want to stay, I still don’t. But Tony made me promise him I would stay, and here I am. Tony’s all I got,” you said tiredly. “I went to go check on her one time. I was pretty drunk, it was the only way that I could face her after everything. I’m still pretty deadly even then. I was trained very well. I went to her office but she wasn’t there. Asked around and found out she had left abruptly a month or two after I did. Just disappeared, no trace.” You let an empty smile grow on your face, “I think Natasha had something to do with it. I can’t be sure but I sent her a big bottle of vodka and a thank you card anyway. I’m just upset I didn’t get to her first. I guess it’s good I didn’t.” You glanced up to see Daniel’s eyes widen briefly as he listened to you talk. You were struck by an absurd desire to giggle because despite him being a psychiatrist for intelligence operatives from a myriad of agencies including S.H.I.E.L.D., police and even soldiers, you still managed to shock him. Even if it was just a little. 

“Well, what a bitch. I’m also glad you didn’t get to her first,” Daniel let out a small grin, pushing up his glasses, thoroughly surprising you, “I can imagine it would’ve been messy. Thank you for sharing. I sincerely appreciate it. I have to ask, why are you telling me this Y/N? I appreciate your forthcomingness but what brought it on?” You had a small pile of pulled apart thread on your exposed leg from the dress you were methodically destroying. You couldn’t help it. You didn’t care. You were just so full and empty and just so so fucking tired. “I went on a mission before I started seeing Mariah. It had been set in motion when I turned 15 and the final pieces just happened to fall into place about two years into my relationship. I was given 12 hours heads up and flown out that same night. I knew the mission was coming, I had been instrumental in its planning and a large part of my undercover work was tied to it. I thought I was ready. But I wasn’t.” You had started to cry, unable to stop it as you were sucked into the memory. Your vision had fish-bowled, you could hear the blood pound in your ears, the room suddenly feeling freezing cold. “I made a promise to my mother and my sister when I buried them that I would finish what they started. That I would avenge them and see my fathers empire in ruins. I would destroy it brick by brick. I had nursed that promise deep down where no one would see it and I thought that I was ready to end it that night I got shipped out. I thought I would be able to do it, quick, clean and efficient just like I was taught. But I couldn’t do it.” You knit your fingers into your hair and tugged, trying to anchor yourself. To not let yourself go too far into your memory. 

“I knew it the second I stepped into my mothers old garden. The plants she took such loving care were all dead. Her fountain had been trashed. The hand painted stone pathway had been trampled on and broken. It had all been destroyed. He had let it all be destroyed. I couldn’t do it,”you shook your head harshly, “I just couldn’t let him get away with it.”

“I found him in the dining room. It was like stepping back in time. He appeared older, white peppered through his hair, wrinkles crinkling his skin, but despite that everything looked the same. Our photographs were still hanging up. The wooden table still gleamed from its fresh polish. The smell of gardenias from the vase in the center of the table still hung in the humid air. Nothing had changed.” You could see it playing out in front you, Daniel had all but disappeared into the corner of your mind. “He heard me before I had made my way to him. He told me he’d been waiting for me and asked me if I liked how my mothers garden looked, he had done it just for me. I held the blade of my knife to the base of his throat pushed and told him to stand up. He just laughed and did what I told him to. I took him outside to the garden. He had to pay. He talked the whole way there, telling me about how the family business was, and what he had been up to, he was so fucking relaxed.” You had started tugging harder at your hair as tears streamed down your face.  You needed something to distract you from what you were telling Daniel. You could hear him calling you, trying to get you out of your head but it had to come out. It had to be heard. It had to come out. “I took him to the garden and I just snapped. I made sure he couldn’t walk away and then I made sure he was hurting. I did everything I had been trained to do but I couldn’t get him to stop smiling at me. I needed him to stop so I shot him. I sat down in front of him and watched as he started bleeding out. I sat there watching as he started laughing. There was blood coming out of his mouth as he told me that I had finally fulfilled my destiny. I started to shake my head to deny it but he coughed up some blood and asked me how I could doubt myself. Just look at where I had ended up. Besides, it was fitting, having it all end where it had started, in the garden. Then he looked me dead in the eye and smiled. He told me how proud of me he was. He told me he loved me and that he proud he was that I was finally who he had created me to be, and then he died. Those were his last words.” You nibbled on your lip as you wiped your eyes, exhaling hard through your nose. “I sat there watching him until finally I walked back to the house and set it on fire like I had been instructed to. I watched it burn down, all the pictures, the clothes, the books, the memories. I watched them turn to ash sitting next to my father's corpse. I left the body there for pick up and came back stateside,” you let out a hitching sigh, remembering how you had wanted to run in and grab a picture of the three of you. Something to remember how it used to be. You hadn’t been allowed to, you knew better than to disobey orders. Failure was unacceptable.

“I started seeing Mariah a while after that. All the missions I kept going on, they were me cleaning up loose ends. I made a promise. I would see it through to the end.” You looked up and stared at Daniel in the eye for the first time ever. He knew your entire story now. No more secrets and you felt hollow at the realization. You had been clinging to your secrets for years and now there was nothing left. “Christ Y/N.”, Daniel blinked at you, his eyes wide, “That’s a lot. Before I start, how are you feeling? You made a lot of progress today by letting out your secrets and I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. Can I get you anything?” You shook your head, smiling brittlely, “I don’t know how I feel. Drained I guess.” A little dizzy, sleepy enough to sleep forever, and about to pass out were way more accurate, but you wouldn’t let Daniel know. You were unbreakable, anything less was unacceptable. “That doesn’t surprise me, to be frank. Please just let me know if you change your mind, or if you need a break ok? I have a lot to say but I’ll try to keep it brief. Y/N you are an incredibly complex human, but I can without a doubt tell you that you’re suffering from major depression, anxiety, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Not only that but you have told yourself over and over that you are to blame for every shitty thing that’s happened in your life and it has paved the way for every single decision you’ve made. You’ve crucified yourself for making a decision as a child when in reality you weren’t given any choice. You’ve accepted that the things your father said as true and it breaks my heart.” You felt the urge to cry, you couldn’t figure out why but you wanted to cry. “You’ve lived all these years with this horrific trauma that started when you were just a child and I don’t know how you did it but I’m so proud of you. You are strong and you are a fighter and you are a goddamn survivor. I am so fucking proud of you Y/N. You came here months ago and did the best you could and you’ve opened up to me in a way that you never had to anyone. I’m honored and I’m so proud of you.” You started crying. It wasn’t like before where you had cried out of painful memories, it was a softer crying meant to soothe.  You were tense but you could feel a small part of yourself start to mend. It was difficult though, an overwhelming part of you was telling you that you were behaving unacceptably. You deserved what had happened. You were what your father had created you to be. “Your father was a garbage human being who deserved a crueler fate. He wasn’t like that because of anything you did. And you did nothing to deserve the treatment you got. You know why? Because he was doing it before you even existed. And you know what else? Him picking you was not your fault. You were worried for your family, that was natural, that was normal. It was an ok reaction. Everything was on him.” Deep down inside, a small part of you rejoiced. You had had to hear these words for so long form someone. It helped you in ways you couldn’t describe. But just as quickly, another part of you wanted to smother that joy. It kept telling you that Daniel was lying. “I know your conflicted over what I’m saying, and I wish I could get rid of the voice that’s telling you I'm lying but I can’t. You have to do that. You have to forgive yourself. No one but you can do that. Therapy isn’t a walk in the park. It’s a difficult and complex journey. It takes time and it’s fucking hard.  I won’t lie to you. It’ll be one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. But I swear to you on my life, it’ll be worth it.” You sniffled, feeling even more exhausted, eyes drooping, and changed the subject. Daniel was giving you too much. Instead, you looked at your hands, fiddling with your fingertips and said, “I saw him in the park today. My… partner… my boyfr- … James. I saw him today and he looked great. He was smiling and he was there with a woman. She was beautiful. She had this big gorgeous dark curly hair, her skin looked soft and smooth glowing in the sun against her white dress. She looked so vibrant and so full of life and happiness. They were perfect together. He was holding her and she was touching him and they looked so right, standing next to each other. And I got so angry.” Abruptly, you were on your feet. The small pile of threads falling to the ground. You were unable to stay still, a sudden explosion of emotion rocking you. “I was so furiously angry. I was a mess and hurting and there he was with another woman again. I’m fucking drowning and he’s fine! I gave him everything I could. I did everything I could! But it wasn’t enough. And then he touched me. He just touched me and instead of feeling repulsed, my skin felt warm and I didn’t feel uneasy,” you clenched your fists frustratedly. “And then he called me beloved.” You spat out. “He called me beloved and he told me Mariah didn’t mean anything and that he missed me. And I could feel myself falling. I love him so much despite everything and I had wanted to hear those words for months now. But I wasn’t enough! He hurt me! He had me and I was trying and it wasn’t enough for him, I wasn’t enough for him even at my very best and he picked her and she didn’t mean anything. I’m worth less than that to him. I mean less than her. I gave him everything I could. And I wasn’t enough. Why wasn’t it enough? Why?” And you were standing there, panting heavily, hands clutching your hair and just pulling with all your strength because you were so overwhelmed. You hadn’t been enough and you were never going to be enough for James. You were the monster your father made you be. You had blood on your hands in a way that James never would. You were the monster he always feared he was. Of course, you deserved what you got. How stupid could you be? “Y/N, please calm down. Please sit. I’m going to touch you ok?”, Daniel said firmly. You felt his hands on your forearm as he reached up to untangle your hair from your hands. He gently guided you to your favorite chair and sat down on the coffee table in front of you. “Y/N, none of what that man did was your fault. I know. I know you don’t believe me. But I promise that what he did was for his own reasons and his own shortcomings. Not yours. You were just a child. Nothing you could have ever done merited what happened to you. And I cannot stress this enough, you are worthy. You are worth more than you can imagine, and your best is more than enough. I know it with every fiber of my being. I haven’t lied to you, and I won’t start now, so you need to trust me when I say that none of what happened was your fault. You’ve been dealt with some shitty cards but that wasn’t your fault.” You burst into tears. You were so tired of fighting yourself and your past. You didn’t want it anymore. You felt Daniel’s arms wrap around you holding you tightly. You sobbed because it all hurt. Everything hurt. You mourned for your failed love, and your past, and all the horrible things you had endured. You cried for the little girl you had been, who had never been comforted, loved, cherished. You cried every tear she never could, you cried for her. 

You had cried before but this time, it was different. With each tear you let out, you felt better. Your tears were washing out your wounds, leaving them clean so that you could finally start to heal. It still hurt, and you suspected it always would, but for the first time ever you didn’t feel the same. The anguish had subsided, the burdens you carried had lessened.

Slowly you stilled. You felt hollowed out and light as a feather. There was an extremely long road ahead but for the first time, you could see a light at the end of it. You pulled out of Daniel’s embrace and looked up at him. “How are you feeling? Better?”, Daniel asked quietly. You nodded, unable to speak.  “Ok, Y/N,” he started seriously, “I’m writing you a prescription for some anti-depressives and anxiety medication. I want you to start taking those in addition to seeing me. You made progress today, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for telling me everything you’ve told me. I recommend you going home and doing your best to practice some self-care.” He smiled brightly at you as you made your way towards the door. He pulled you in for a short hug and whispered in your ear, “I’m so proud of you.” 

You made your way to the lobby and out into the warm evening air fully intending on going back to your apartment, but somehow ending up in the park where you had seen James earlier. You were hugging yourself, walking slowly and completely lost in your thoughts, processing what Daniel had said and figuring out what you were feeling. You detoured to the park where you had seen James and thought about him. About how you felt and everything that had happened and how you were seeing it all in a different light.

And you realized you were angry. You were furious beyond belief because for the first time you were seeing just how bad James had treated you. You had accepted it, and taken what little was offered because you thought that was all that you were worth, but with Daniel’s words ringing in your ears and settling into your bones you knew better. He had left you to deal with everything alone. For years, even before Mariah, you had believed that you deserved the distance that he had put between the two of you, deserved it because of the horrors you had committed but the truth was that it was all James’ fault. You were doing your best to reach out to him despite your limitations, you could see that now. You had tried and fought and worked for your relationship, and he had not. He had stood by and judged you for the little progress you had been able to make, all while not making any himself. And then he had the audacity to cheat on you. Because you were too much. He had told you that you were too much. 

What bullshit. You bit back a scream of rage at your realization. You had done the best you could. You had given everything you could give. And it was enough. It was good enough. You were beating yourself up over this and he didn’t care then and he clearly didn’t care now. First Mariah, and then the other woman at the park. How dare he? How fucking dare he? 

And then, you were walking to your apartment. You knew you should stay in and take a bath, eat some deliciously unhealthy food, and binge some Netflix but you also knew you weren’t going to do that. You were going out. You were going to truly enjoy yourself and do your best to feel free.  

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