#it’s so 90s in both the good and bad way but the writing slaps surprisingly hard when you least expect it to

[void-writing]

Okay I’m back on my Mummies nonsense and I’m thinking about the untapped potential of Amanda Carnovan and wanting to bite something.

Like, I get that this is a late 90s Y7 show so of course the normal adults aren’t necessarily going to be involved very much given who the target audience is but we could have had SUCH FUN DYNAMICS between Amanda—technically mother of the pharaoh and also a certified Egypt nerd—and the Mummies. The Mummies, who would be an ancient civilization researcher’s WET DREAM because they’d be the ULTIMATE primary sources to their era of ancient Egyptian history. I may be projecting a bit, but having people who LIVED IN a civilization three thousand years ago AND who would be able to verbally talk about their experiences (biases and all) would be so cool.

Plus, I think Amanda and the Mummies would have gotten along so well. Like, they canonically respect her despite never really interacting with her purely on account of what Presley says about her.

I can see Amanda talking parenting and leadership with Ja-Kal and them confiding their doubts and hardships to each other that they wouldn’t talk about with anyone else. Like, for example, Amanda is a single mother working a full time job, and Ja-Kal struggled with balancing his responsibilities as the prince's guard with his duties as a father and husband. I think both of them would have a lot to talk about regarding work-life balance. Plus, Ja-Kal in the show was edging very close to "dad who stepped up" territory. I'm not saying that Ja-Kal and Amanda would get a romantic subplot (Amanda doesn't seem to be interested in looking for a boyfriend and Ja-Kal isn't either) but I feel like they'd become platonic co-parents in the right circumstances.

I can see Amanda just absorbing every historical and arcane lesson Rath gives and chiming in with her own knowledge. They’d butt heads and argue over specific facts for hours, both being entirely too stubborn at times to give the other an inch, but at the end of it all they’d do it again because they’re both nerds and love the pain of their research.

I can see Amanda and Nefer-Tina becoming gal pals, maybe at first being friends solely because they’re the only women in the group but ultimately enjoying each other’s company; Amanda affirming that Nefer-Tina isn’t wrong for being fascinated by modern advances while Nefer-Tina gets Amanda to break out of her shell a bit by dragging her along to experience the modern world with her (I can see circumstances conspiring to get them stealing a car together and I think I’m right about it).

I can see Amanda and Armon bonding over cooking and exchanging recipes from their respective cultures, even if they may have to substitute a few key ingredients for Armon’s recipes (I doubt Amanda would be able to get her hands on hippo steak, sadly).

Plus! I also want to see Amanda’s reaction to hearing that 1) her baby boy is the reincarnation of a murdered Egyptian prince from three thousand years ago (and one she made a full exhibit about and probably rambled to Presley about for months), and 2) the man who killed him the first time is still around in present day trying to not only do that AGAIN, but use her son’s soul to attain immortality for generally nefarious purposes.

What I’m saying is I wish we could have seen Amanda’s reaction to the Mummy Nonsense because she would have been a WELL of interesting character interactions and also likely caused Scarab headaches personally by beating him up for trying to repeatedly murder her son.

And don’t even get me STARTED on Walter! He was presented to the audience as Presley’s best friend but we hardly see him at all! We could have had Walter as the best friend sidekick! The non-chosen character stuck in the chosen’s orbit! He could have been a Toby Domzalsky or a Connie Maheswaran before those characters even EXISTED! We could have had Walter struggling with pressure from the Mummies to be as dogged and dedicated in his defense of Presley as they are because they see Walter as Presley’s last line of defense, someone who can protect Presley where they can't. After all, the Mummies can’t follow Presley into school and have to be careful about going out in public on account of their whole undead situation. It could be really interesting to see Walter get continuously pressured by these adults who literally died in the line of duty to follow in their footsteps, even if it meant meeting the same fate as them. It would have been interesting to see the Mummies be struck with the realization that they made themselves forget that Walter is a kid too and someone very dear to Presley, and that they were wrong to try and pressure him into becoming a warrior like them. It would have been interesting to see them try to atone for the way they treated Walter as another soldier for their cause. It would have been interesting to see how Walter buckled under the pressure the Mummies heaped on him and even more so if Scarab tried to exploit it because in his darkest moment, Walter would have just wanted all of this Mummy Nonsense to STOP and for everything to go back to how it was before (even though that’s impossible) and almost costing Presley his life because of it.

And Elaine! How cool would it have been if she didn’t have her memories conveniently wiped and she just elbowed her way into the Mummies’ and Presley’s crazy world of gods and monsters out of rabid interest in getting the truth, even if she has to learn a lesson about how not all truths are created equal and sometimes lies and secrets are made and kept to protect the innocent! We could have had an episode where Elaine gathered proof of the Mummies and Presley’s involvement with them and was SECONDS away from publishing before she’s confronted with the reality that Presley keeps his involvement with the Mummies under wraps (ba dum tss) because the anonymity surrounding his modern identity is the only thing keeping an immortality obsessed madman from turning up on his doorstep or in his class to LITERALLY KILL HIM AND EAT HIS SOUL. We could have had her be the reason Scarab learns Presley’s modern identity and her having to atone for putting him in MORE danger.

Ugh. There's just so much wasted potential and it makes me sad.

[techouspeaks]

Real Rip-Offs!: Fate: The Winx Saga

It’s the infamous show that takes the magic of Winx and flushes it down the toilet! May contain spoilers.

Where the frick do I even begin with this? Like what the hell!?

Like everyone else, when I saw the teasers and trailers for this I wasn’t too thrilled with the whole thing, but I decided I’ll give it a watch and boy...this is bad. Really really bad! Omg! Not very long into the first episode and already I wanted to turn it off! I usually get that feeling within maybe the second or third episode of a show but no! This was bad even from the beginning.

Let’s put a side the blatant obvious issue with replacing Musa and Flora’s race, which Captain Marvel kinda already did that. She was black for a while then they made her white again. No one gave a dang but okay. Priorities I suppose. But this series does things that fails already on arrival. 

First, we’re introduced to Bloom AFTER she finds out her powers. Yup! We’re just thrown in there like Mummy Returns, she’s like boop! We’re there! Right after a farmer gets killed by something called a “Burned One” right at the beginning! A blatant shadow monster you only end up seeing in the distance in the shadows. When I first played the episode, I thought I accidentally played an episode of Goosebumps at first and I mean it in that sense. It wasn’t scary, it was pathetic! Are You Afraid of the Dark had more nightmare fuel and that show was on Nickelodeon! 

The dialog already dated! Bloom actually says the word “mansplaining” and is already a total b@#$ to Sky and they haven’t even dated! Gosh, at least when Bloom had troubles with Sky they at least established they’re dating! Despite the whole “feminist” agenda, Bloom is a freakin moron and needs to be saved by Aisha and a teacher. The whole use of smartphones, at least in the older series, they made up their own tech so the series could take place at any time. 

Let’s not forget the wonderful, unique personalities of each of our favorite girls (except Techna) has been replaced with “troubled teen with parent/social issues”. Like every single girl in this is awful! There’s no good guy to root for! 

Like I don’t expect teens to be happy all the time. I suffer mental health problems including anxiety! I know that depression isn’t about being sad all the time either! I have friends who have it! My teen years weren’t the greatest and I wouldn’t relive those years either. However, even with all that, the way this show depicts emotional troubles and mental health, it makes it seem like if you’re not troubled all the time and you’re not moping about your problems more often than not, you don’t have mental health issues or emotional problems! 

There’s taking light of it where characters don’t seem to face real issues and then there’s over exaggerating it and this does just that. It over exaggerates what teen life and mental health is like.

Not to mention, but none of the characters seem likeable cuz again, there unique personalities were replaced with “troubled teen”. You don’t even to know their names. The only thing that sets them apart is the reason why they’re miserable and the boys, don’t get me started with them. Just a heartthrob with no brain that has to back down when a girl gets mad at them cuz girls can’t be strong unless the man backs down to let her be. Which is the opposite of what that whole girl power agenda is.

News flash, a woman isn’t strong if they run into danger without a brain. Like they don’t need to be super smart but at least know how to think on their feet. That’s what old Bloom did at least and a woman isn’t strong if the man has to back down for her. What made Mulan (1999) a strong character was cuz the guys didn’t back down on her. She had to learn to fight and never gave up on it. Same with Bloom and the other girls of the old series. They fought a long side the dudes and saw them as equal. They didn’t use “mansplaining” cuz girls and guys were equal. 

There’s also no comradery. I get that in the first episode, the Winx weren’t that close yet in the old series, but they at least weren’t mean to each other. They at least were chilled with each other, were polite with one another and thus would already be comfortable around each other. You could be friend any of the old girls and get a long with them fine. Had any one treat me the way these new girls did back in my day in school, I wouldn’t have befriended a single one!  Everyone’s so riled up in their own personal problems and they just act mean that, even when they’re trying to sympathize with each other, it all comes across as insincere. 

I get teens can be mean. I wasn’t always nice either but not this mean. Everyone gets so offended and that’s the thing. The boys get a long with each other fine. The girls always act like they’re ready to slit each other’s throat and already to mope about something or get mad about something. So basically this is the stereotype of what people think feminism is. Girls are total emotional which is somehow a personality, “so much better than the boys” and the guys are laidback idiots with “duh” as a personality.

I was even shock that the replacement for Flora “Terra”, nearly kills Riven by hanging him by vine. Like, she down right tries to kill him! That’s attempted murder, yet it’s brushed a side for whatever dang reason! Flora wouldn’t do this, not even to her enemies! She would get mad but she would never use her powers against someone that clearly wasn’t an enemy and even then, she wouldn’t go that far. If murderous tendencies counts as strong, the people who made this show and the people who agree with that scene, need serious therapy!

Flora was strong cuz she was kind. She used her abilities to the best of her own, stood up even when she was scared and showed kindness to even people being mean to her. That takes a lot of skill and to some that’s “unrealistic”. Well you know what? It is realistic! I know people who do their best to avoid conflict and always stay kind cuz kindness is a rare thing! 

Now and I know people who attack people for hating Terra cuz they believe it’s  body shaming if you do, but no! I don’t like Terra not cuz she’s not skinny. I shame on her cuz she like her I would say friends but more so they’re enemies under the same roof, are stereotypical “my life is bad or it isn’t perfect so I must act like a rude, stuck up brat and mope around a lot” and for showing that murderous tendencies = edgy and strong, which is dangerous. Sure, it was a quick moment and but I’m with Riven, he could have died and who knows, what if Riven had asthma or other breathing problems, Terra doesn’t know! 

I also watched where Bloom finally gains her wings and the effects for that is so bad, even the effects for Power Rangers are more credible despite this series being a “adult version”. 

This series is just bad! It’s not even fun kind of bad. All the characters are either mean or stupid or both, you can’t root for them. No one has a personality outside edgy, stupid or troubled teen. Has dialog and themes that make it dated on arrival. The school and settings are uninspiring. The effects are down right pathetic! The outfits are ugly! Not even as a teen would I wear stuff like that and I wore some tacky choices. I’m a 90s girl, I had tacky stuff but man! Bloom half the time looks like she’s wearing curtains from a haunted mansion and not even from the Haunted Mansion. More like a frumpy, sad knock off version of the movie.

Yeah, this series is the worst! It’s not even just the controversial stuff that makes it bad. It’s just all around bad in everything it gives! I can’t even stand watching a single episode. It’s so bad I don’t even want to use pictures or screenshots of it for this review!  I give Fate: The Winx Saga 1 out of 10 stars! I would give it 0 if I could! Just don’t bother! Watch the old Winx and World of Winx cuz those two series for kids are surprisingly more adult than this piece of crap! 

Now excuse me while I go enjoy another episode of Aikatsu Planet! At least that show is fun to watch and the characters don’t make me want to slap them!

Also for my rip off reviews I don’t read the notes usually. You can reblog, rant at me and call me whatever, but you’re writing to no one so have fun! If you like this show more power to you! Not everyone wants to worship it though!

[rhyming-fellowship]

If Flynn had been there, it wouldn’t have happened. She will maintain that until the day she died, and going by the presence of their ghostly friends, for long after death as well. But Flynn wasn’t there, so when one of the labels they’d tentatively been looking at said they needed to reach out to the boys to make sure they signed as well, Julie was stuck with her own lying skills - which hadn’t improved in the three years she’d known the guys - and the Greek chorus of himbos that called themselves her band.

“Tell them we don’t have the internet.”

“No, that we’re dead!”

“We trust you; you can just sign for us.”

They weren’t especially helpful. Of course, what came out of Julie’s mouth was equally bad, so she really can’t talk.

“They only speak Swedish…?”

Behind her, she heard Alex groan, but his idea had been that the hologram band that regularly streamed into their performances didn’t have internet. Not speaking English wasn’t terrible in comparison.

“I didn’t know you spoke Swedish!” The label exec said at the same time as Reggie. There was the definite sound of hand hitting head, which either meant Alex facepalmed or he slapped Reggie. Either way, there would be no support from them.

“I don’t? We just… use a lot of Google translate?” God she wished she could stop making everything sound like a question.

“Wow! Well, no worries, we can get a translator. Can you give me their info?” 

“Haha, for sure!” Julie said, the rushing in her ears growing louder in the quiet office space. "The only thing is I can't spell their names, you know with all of the... special letters? So, um, I'll set up a Zoom meeting for you guys to meet?" Maybe it was a good thing she kept digging the hole deeper, soon it would be big enough for her to live in so she'd never have to see these people again.

“Your eyes are doing the panic thing, Julie. Want a distraction?” Luke whispered next to her. She nodded hurriedly and when the fire alarm went off a few seconds later, she was out of the office before anyone could stop her.

“So… fuck. Am I right?” Alex casually loped along next to her as she ran down the street, getting as far away from the building as she could before she called her dad for a ride.

“Someone’s going to have to learn Swedish,” Luke said, laughter in his voice, and Julie couldn’t help but look at him and grin.

“There are probably better ways to go about it, we just need to think of one.”

Somewhat unsurprisingly, they couldn’t.

Luckily, Reggie, it turned out, was surprisingly good with languages. Alex was too anxious to speak to anyone in anything other than English, and Luke was great at hearing the slight tonal changes when listening but tended to just throw out whichever words felt right when speaking. Reggie, though, would meet someone who didn’t speak English and hang out with them for a few months, or he’d get obsessed with a show in another language, and next thing they knew he was conversational with a perfect accent; just so long as he didn’t have to spell anything.

So Reggie disappeared to go live in Sweden for a few months, coming back every few days with a new story about the family whose house he was haunting. (They have four horses! And two dogs! And they have blueberry soup sometimes that made him wish he could eat again!) Meanwhile, Julie set up a Zoom meeting as far into the future as she could, and cancelled it a few times, pushing the meeting farther and farther away to give him time to become at least passable.

And they practiced. She and Luke and Alex worked for hours to see how involved they have to be in the singing to be visible. If they could be in separate rooms and still show up on the camera. If the guys could ignore Julie’s pull long enough to make this work. It wasn’t easy, but by the time the meeting came around, they’ve figured out the best song, set up the studio in a style they’re hoping looks vaguely Swedish, and given Luke and Alex several crash courses on how to work Zoom so that they don’t look like people who are stuck in the 90s.

At least technologically speaking. Three years later and she still couldn’t convince them to wear something from this century.

“Everyone ready?” Flynn asked, standing between the couch the boys are on and the table they’d dragged in for Julie to sit at across from them. With a collective nod, they started humming together and logged into the meeting where they were immediately met with the label execs (Nadya and Micah) and someone new.

The translator.

“Hej!” Nadya said happily, waving, “I’m glad we could all finally meet up. And I was sorry to hear about your illness, Reggie. It sounded… unpleasant.” Reggie just smiled blankly at her as the translator spoke, then continued to smile blankly.

Luke elbowed him and leaned over to whisper, “We told her you had violent food poisoning and were shitting yourself,” he paused, “We might have panicked a lot thinking up the excuse and then Alex cried after because, you know, food poisoning.” Alex reached behind Reggie and shoved Luke off the couch. Micah and Nadya kindly pretended not to notice the scuffle as Reggie finally unmuted to thank them for their well wishes. 

“So, boys, Julie hasn’t mentioned a lot about you, why don’t you introduce yourselves and where you’re from,” Micah said, staring at them expectantly and Julie’s heart sank. They’d planned for Reggie to have a passable accent, for him to be able to speak well enough that the translator wouldn’t notice and to brush off missteps with an excuse of a bad connection. They hadn’t planned for Reggie to have to know anything about Sweden. But he pulled it together, mostly talking about the small town where he’d been, telling a touching tale of the three of them meeting at choir practice in the middle of winter and starting a band to get through the long dark months.

It was a surprisingly good story and Julie had just started to relax when Nadya spoke up. 

“And what are your last names again?”

Deer in headlights, all three of them. (A small voice in the back of her head says Reindeer in headlights and she has to stop herself from giggling hysterically.)

“Skarsgård,” Alex said first, stretching it out in a way that spoke of immediate regret.

“Alexander Skarsgård?” Micah asked, “Like the actor?”

Alex shook his head quickly and muted the call, “What do I say?”

“Just tell them it’s a common Swedish last name!” Luke said and Alex was just about to unmute when Flynn stopped him. 

“You can’t speak English or Swedish. Reggie has to tell them.”

“Oh thank god,” he muttered, letting Reggie take over, and then it was time for Luke and Reggie to reveal their last names and Julie was just waiting for one of them to say their last name was ‘Sweden.’ Somehow what happened was both better and infinitely worse.

“My last name is Pettersson,” Reggie said happily, choosing the name of the family he’d taken a shine to, still pleased it was so close to his own last name. Then he looked at Luke and paused, seeming to realize, “And his last name is also Pettersson. Because we are... brothers?”

Well, at least Julie wasn’t the only one making statements into questions.

“That’s awesome, we should definitely leverage that in our marketing,” Nadya said, writing something down, and then the meeting was ending and they gave some vague promises about their next meeting and Julie could have cried in happiness.

They’d done it. Three American ghosts pretended to be three Swedish lifers and no one had to know. Luke leapt off the couch, pulling everyone into a hug of sheer relief, and that’s how Carlos found them a few minutes later.

“Why are you guys always so weird?” he asked, unable to see the guys, but noticing Julie's awkward empty air hug.

“We’re celebrating!” Flynn said, launching into an explanation about their plan; from Reggie learning Swedish to their attempt at Swedish decor in the studio.

“Why didn’t you just give them email addresses?” he asked when she was finished. “Lots of people sign contracts digitally without ever seeing the person on the other end.” 

“Oh. My. God.” Julie slowly dropped to the couch. “Fucking email addresses.”

There was a beat of silence in the studio, then Flynn snorted. “Finding an unused email address for the name Alexander Skarsgård is going to be hell.”

After months of stress, it felt good to laugh.

Even if they were all idiots.

You can find this fic and the rest in my series of band shenanigans on Ao3 here!

[t0ngue-tech]

Deadline | Five

“Jungkook laughed, turning around to follow your movements towards the Keurig, eyes still not leaving your frame. ‘I apologize. I didn’t mean it in a bad way. It’s cute.’

Don’t turn around. Don’t look at him.”

↠ fluff, fake relationship au, high school au ↞

word count: 5.8k

↠ series: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 6 | ↞

A/N: hi guise! just casually dropping deadline onto your dashboard huhu. if you’re not streaming MOTS 7 then baby what is you doinnnnn???? have a lovely day my loves ^-^

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Why were you so nervous? You had absolutely no reason to be as nervous as you were at the moment. Afterall, you were the one who invited Jungkook to come over after school to work on the history project. You had multiple chances to cancel on him, but you sounded confident when you asked so you didn’t want to turn back.

Before leaving your house that morning, you made sure to let your mother know that Jungkook was going to be coming over for academic reasons. She didn’t miss a beat and teased you about it because she was going to be coming home an hour later than usual. Nothing was going to happen, you were one-hundred percent about that, but of course your mother didn’t know that.

You were going to be alone in your house with Jungkook for a few hours.

Completely normal.

No biggie.

I need to fucking calm down.

You were now sitting in the passenger seat of his car trying to focus on the story Jungkook was telling you. His words were entering through your left ear and straight out the other because all you could think about was did I tidy up the magazines on the coffee table or I swept the floor, put away the dishes, and changed out the towels in the bathroom, but I swear I’m missing something.

Obviously you were overthinking everything. You cleaned up your house before Jungkook picked you up in the morning and you made sure that everything was in order twice. Nothing was out of place, but you were so sure something was going to go wrong.

“Y/n.”

“H-Huh?” You blinked.

Jungkook chuckled and ruffled your hair. “We’re here.”

Oh, great.

“Yeah, sorry. Let’s go.” You scrambled for your bag and fumbled around the front pocket for your keys.

At your front door, you were untangling your keys from your lanyard trying to keep yourself level headed, but the timing of your keys slipping in between your fingers was impeccable. You heard Jungkook snickering behind you as you reached down to get your keys and get your act together at the same time.

“Are you alright?” Jungkook asked whilst snickering.

“Just peachy.” You muttered and pushed your door open. “Come in.”

The house was kept just as you left this morning and as much as you didn’t want to admit to yourself, everything was spotless. Jungkook took off his bag and settled himself down on the large rug beneath the coffee table. He looked around the living room, only making you feel more tense because of your constant overthinking of some sort of “mess” you probably left around.

“Oh yeah, you said your mom is going to be back later?” You nodded. “I have her tupperwares in my car. I already transferred the rest of the food you made me into my own containers.”

“Okay. You can just leave them in the kitchen.” Jungkook stood up from the floor. “I’m going to change really quick, okay?” He nodded and escaped outside while you retreated to your room.

Out of all places, you were not ready to showcase your room. It wasn’t because it was messy but because it was your sanctuary, you held precious parts of you in your room that you weren’t ready to present to Jungkook; pictures, figurines, stuffed animals, it was all too personal in your eyes. Plus, on a less serious note, he had no reason to be in your room right?

You left your room wearing a cropped t-shirt you cut up yourself and maroon sweats, much more comfortable than your skinny jeans and knit sweater. Jungkook was in the kitchen taking the tupperwares out of a reusable bag and you joined him.

“Do you want something to drink?” You asked whilst opening your fridge. “I have water, juice, and coffee creamer.”

“I’ll just have water, thank you.”

You took out the pitcher of water and the bottle of french vanilla creamer. As you glided around the kitchen, you couldn’t help but get the feeling that Jungkook kept his eyes on you the whole time; you pulled out your coffee mug and a tall glass from the cupboard above the sink, loaded the keurig with your favorite pod, and returned to Jungkook’s side with his glass.

“Yes?” You laughed and poured him his beverage.

“No-Nothing.” Jungkook cleared his throat. “You just look tinier in those sweats for some reason.”

You scoffed and looked at him with a shocked expression. “I’m appalled, Jeon. I let you into my home, provide something to quench your thirst, and in return, I receive slander? You wound me.”

Jungkook laughed, turning around to follow your movements towards the Keurig, eyes still not leaving your frame. “I apologize. I didn’t mean it in a bad way. It’s cute.”

Don’t turn around. Don’t look at him.

You gave in and peeked over your shoulder to find Jungkook walking back into the living room while asking for a coaster. How could he just casually spew out the word “cute” like it was no big deal? And more importantly, why did it matter to you? He was just joking around. It didn’t mean anything.

↠↞

The entire time you spent working on the project with Jungkook was surprisingly enjoyable. He helped you create a rough draft of how you both wanted the poster board to look like, took the liberty to search up photos to print out on your laptop, and even proposed a few of his own ideas. What surprised you the most was when he pulled out his notebook that was filled with notes about the Renaissance era and offered to do half of the book report. He wasn’t keen on writing up reports, but he was simply doing what he said he would from the beginning: doing his best on the history project.

You swore you were working hard, but it felt as if you two were taking more breaks than what you originally planned. The coffee table was pushed forward giving both you and Jungkook room to lie around on the rug.

Jungkook laid on his back with his arms up in the air supporting his phone so you can look at his screen. You were sprawled out beside him, leaving a good distance between your body and his but your head still close enough to his so you can look at his music playlist. 

“You only have hip hop and r&b on your phone?” You questioned.

“Pretty much. I also have a few 90s boy band music because those are classics.” Jungkook swiped his finger along his screen and played you a song. “This is my parents’ favorite song to slow dance to. They played this a lot in our house so it grew on me.”

You closed your eyes, listening to the slow rhythm and romantic lyrics. You were familiar with this song. It was one of your favorites so you hummed along subconsciously.

“Oh shit, you know this song?”

“Yeah. My mom is all about 90s boy bands and love songs.” You pulled out your phone to reveal the music you stored. “My dad liked 50s, jazz, and swing music, so my phone is pretty much a mixture of all of those genres.”

Jungkook adjusted his body to lie on his side, inching a bit closer to you. “You remember that about him?”

“Kind of? I recall a few memories back in first or second grade where he’d put on music and dance with me and my mom. And of course my mom told me about his music tastes.” You smiled to yourself reminiscing about the innocent memories of your younger self dancing around with your father; spinning, dipping, and occasionally stepping on his feet without a care in the world.

“Can..Can you recommend a few?” Jungkook carefully asked. You only ever mentioned your father a few times since you started a new friendship with him, so he was probably gently treading your waters.

Your face lit up. “Of course.”

For the next hour, your positions on the rug changed from on your backs, to your stomachs, cross legged, and even with an inch or two of space between your bodies. You played a few songs for him, mainly your favorites. You even let him listen to noir jazz which was your personal favorite branch of the jazz family. After each song he listened to, he wrote it down on a piece of paper so he could download it later.

Loving music that was considered old school made you feel outdated and to top it all off, you also loved old school romance; making mixtapes for each other, handwritten letters, picnics. This was a guilty pleasure of yours, something only a few people knew about you.

“Listening to these makes me feel like I’m in a romance movie from the 70s.” Jungkook quipped.

“Yeah and the noir jazz makes me feel like I’m a private-I in a black and white film.” You played a song from your noir jazz playlist and began your monologue. “It was a stormy night, just as it always has been the past few days. I sat in my chair, desperately craving a shot of whiskey.” To add to your drama, you emerged from the floor and sat down on your sofa with your coffee mug in hand. “It was no use. How was I supposed to solve this case without a lick of new information? Feeling defeated, I picked up the manila folder on my desk so I could toss it across the room, but someone knocked on my office door.”

You raised your eyebrows at Jungkook who seemed to be enjoying your little play. He blew out a breath, “do I have to?”

“I mean,” You swirled your coffee around in your mug, being extra careful to not spill any. “You don’t have to.”

Jungkook laughed to himself and slapped his own cheeks before standing. “Okay, okay, but bear with me and try not to laugh.”

You chewed on your bottom lip, trying to not laugh at the way Jungkook paced back and forth. He walked towards your dinner table and stuffed his hands in his pockets. A broken snicker slipped past his lips and he cleared his throat to collect himself.

“I didn’t know why I was here. I could’ve stayed at the bar to give everything more thought, but no, I hailed a taxi and now here I was, knocking on her door.” Jungkook stared you down and stuck his hand out for you to speak.

“Oh! Come—Come in.” You stifled your laughter.

Jungkook pursed his lips together, shoulders shaking from trying to hold in his own laughter. “I strode… I strode inside her office. Sauve, confident, dripping with devilishly good looks after being soaked in rain.” He slicked his hair back. “‘I think I have something for you, Ms. y/n.’ I said cooly and she looked at me with hungry eyes—”

“Hungry?!” You snorted, finally releasing your caged laughter. “This is a mystery film, Jungkook.”

Jungkook broke down in a fit of laughter, sinking to his knees and clutching his stomach. “Sor—Sorry! I couldn’t help it, it seemed to fit the moment. Let’s start again, come on,” he cleared his throat. “I think I have something for you, Ms. y/n.”

You wiped a tear from your eye and took a few deep breaths. “No, no, no. Come on, we have to reorganize the timeline.” You crawled back onto the floor to turn down the music.

“Aw, it was getting good.” Jungkook pouted.

Honestly, it really was. You didn’t expect Jungkook to actually follow through with your improv performance. He understood the dynamic, albeit he was turning it into something else, but it was still fun.

The rough draft was beginning to look alive. It took a lot of excessive research and a small disagreement, but it was starting to look near perfect. You were now staring blankly at the photos you needed to print out while Jungkook scrolled through his phone. He quietly sang along to a power ballad you played from your playlist and it was, in a way, comforting to listen to. Both you and Jungkook were immersed in whatever you two were doing, that neither of you noticed the sound of the front door opening.

“Hi honey, hello Jungkook.”

Jungkook flinched and flailed around almost dropping his phone. He stood up from the floor and straightened himself out to look presentable in front of your mother.

“Hello, Mrs—uh, um. Hello, auntie.” Jungkook smiled.

“Pffft.” You spurted and arose to give your mom a kiss on the cheek. “Hi mom.”

Your mother had a few grocery bags in hand and Jungkook rushed to assist her in carrying her things.

“Here are your tupperwares, auntie. Thank you for letting me use them.” Jungkook said politely.

“It’s no problem. Thank you for returning them. Your mother unloaded her grocery bags. “Do you want to stay for dinner, Jungkook?”

You snapped your head in their direction. In a way, you had a feeling your mother was going to offer him to stay over, but you were in denial about it. The last thing you wanted was to have your mother tell embarrassing stories from your childhood.

“Uh, um,” Jungkook looked at you in search for an answer and you just smiled. “Sure, auntie. I’d love to.”

“Perfect. It’s nothing special, I’m just whipping up a beef stir-fry.” Your mother tied on her apron. “Why don’t you two take a break from your project. Just wait in y/n’s room and I’ll let you two know when dinner is ready.”

“Mo-Mom!” Panic rose to your face and it was obvious Jungkook’s cheeks were just as pink as yours. Your mother raised an eyebrow and you sighed in defeat. “Okay..okay, this way, Jungkook.”

Great. Just great, This was going exactly the way you wanted it to.

↠↞

“Wow.” Jungkook trailed behind you with his hands in his pockets.

Your walls were splashed with a pastel lavender color and a few framed photos. A cluster of stuffed animals guarded your bed that was pushed at the corner of your room next to a window. There were fairy lights strung along your bed frame and around the window sill. 

Your work desk was cluttered with papers, textbooks, and containers for all of your stationery needs. Just above your desk was a white board and a cork board with multiple polaroids and developed photos tacked to it. Beside your desk was a small bookshelf that carried books, some with cracked spines and withering edges. On top were framed photos, a snow globe, and a self-painted vase with a few fake flowers in them. 

Even if you didn’t use much makeup, you still had a vanity that was setup near your closet. Jennie took the liberty to recommend a few makeup products that would suit your taste such as lip gloss, eyeliner, and a few eyebrow products; she purposely left some of her own makeup there for her benefit and yours too. You barely left the house with makeup, but there were rare occasions where you made the effort to do so.

“Sorry for the mess.” You rushed towards your desk to quickly tidy up. “Take any seat.”

Jungkook waited for you to settle yourself down at the head of your bed while he sat down on your desk chair. “I like your room. It feels almost nostalgic in a way.” He scanned the photos on your cork board and even on your bookshelf. “Is this your dad?”

He rolled over to the shelf and picked up a bright pink picture frame that had scuffs around the corners. The frame held a photo of you and your father from one of your birthdays. There was icing smeared all over both of your faces and you were smiling from ear to ear.

“Yeah. That was from my sixth birthday.” Even if the photo was far from you, you knew every single detail of it.

Jungkook held the frame and examined it in silence. You leaned over and watched as he cradled the frame in his fingertips. He grazed over the photo and settled it back on the shelf.

“I’m sorry, y/n. I can’t imagine how hard it was for you and your mom.”

You smiled at the back of his head. “Lighten up, Jeon. Sure, we miss him like crazy but we’re doing fine. I’m sure my dad is sitting on a reclining chair in heaven with a cup of coffee in one hand smiling down on me and my mom.”

Jungkook chuckled, still not looking in your direction. He kept his attention to the pictures on your cork board.

“Wow, you and Jennie have been friends forever, huh?” He stood up from the chair to take a better look at the photos.

“Yup! We’ve been sisters since kindergarten.” You beamed with pride. “Do you have anyone like that in your life?”

Jungkook hummed and stared at your photos a little longer. “Not exactly a friend, but my brother and I are really close. I would consider him my best friend.”

It occurred to you that you knew very little about Jungkook. You knew he had a brother who was two years older than Jungkook and you also knew his parents worked in the same office building but with different positions. This prompted you to ask a few questions about himself, nothing too personal, just enough to come off as friendly rather than an interrogator.

You learned that, just like you, Jungkook lived in the same house all his life. He and his brother played soccer together in elementary school, but Jungkook quit in the eighth grade while his brother continued thus granting him a soccer scholarship. His parents never forced college onto either of them, but still encouraged them to do their best in whatever studies or work field they decided to do.

The Jungkook sitting across from you was a completely different person. He wore a content facial expression and carried gentleness in his eyes. From what you observed, he was a social butterfly. Jungkook never hesitated to talk to people, be playful with them, and always made friends with everyone. The Jungkook in front of you was calm and collected, maybe because he was in an unfamiliar setting, but you enjoyed this version of him.

“You seem to cherish a lot of things.” He spun in your chair to take another glance around your room.

“Mhm. Having all of the good memories surrounding me makes me feel comfortable. It’s difficult for me to get out of my comfort zone, so my room is my safe haven.” You explained.

Jungkook turned his back to you again. “I see.”

“Hey,” your mother stood at your door frame. “Dinner’s ready.”

↠↞

Please. Please. Please.

You sat in your chair desperately hoping that your mother wasn’t going to do anything to embarrass you. Even if Jungkook wasn’t really your boyfriend, being embarrassed in front of a friend was already bad enough.

“Just eat up, okay Jungkook?” Your mother placed a large bowl of the beef stir-fry in the middle of the table. “I usually make it spicy, but I wasn’t sure if you like spicy food or not.”

Jungkook laughed while pouring a heaping amount of the stir-fry over his plate of rice. “I actually can’t handle spicy food that well, auntie. Thank you.”

Your mother returned to the table with a small bowl of sauce specifically for you to pour over your food. As you dressed up your meal with a dark red sauce that easily tickled your nose, Jungkook stared at your plate with wide eyes.

“Want to try a piece?” You asked.

“No...thank you.”

“Scared?” You teased with a smirk.

Jungkook squinted at you with lasers in his eyes. You held up a sliver of beef and a slice of a green bell pepper that was slathered in the spicy sauce with your fork. He leaned in about half way, clearly hesitating, but you heard him say shit under his breath and closed his lips around your utensil.

“Y/n.” Your mother sighed.

“What? He’ll be fine, mom.” You chuckled.

He chewed slowly, nodding his head as he let the flavors settle onto his taste buds. He glanced at your mother with a small smile and then turned to you with the same lasers in his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m fi—” Before finishing his sentence, Jungkook put his head down and coughed harshly into his t-shirt. He then scrambled to reach for his glass of water to guzzle it down with streaks of water rolling down his chin.

“See, mom. He’s just fine.” You retreated into the kitchen only to return with a small spoonful of sugar. “Here, Jungkook. This helps better than water.”

First, you fed him a piece of your dinner and now you were feeding him sugar. You never fed him anything since you’ve known him and it all had to happen in front of your mother. It was such a coupley gesture and it genuinely shocked you.

“Honey…” your mother sighed.

“No, it's okay, auntie.” Jungkook coughed. “I’m fine, really.” 

The two of you shared a quiet moment of eye contact before breaking out into a broken fit of laughter. It was weird. This was a situation that could easily make you uncomfortable, but you felt at ease. It was banter between friends and you had to admit, you enjoyed every second of it.

Dinner went a lot better than you expected however, your mother did bring up a few stories about how you cried easily as a child and that until now, you can’t watch The Titanic without bursting in tears. You facepalmed a few times wishing you could hide underneath the table, but Jungkook continued to smile at you, assuring you that he was having a grand time.

Jungkook complimented your mother’s tiny garden out front and mentioned that his own mother grows her own herbs; this was something you didn’t know. He even promised to bring a couple of herb seeds for your mother to plant some time.

You tried to avoid the thought, but Jungkook was doing a great job at being your fake boyfriend. It kind of terrified you because of how well he was getting along with your mother. This was dangerous because he wasn’t your real boyfriend and from your past experience with Sehun, you didn’t want your mother to get attached to Jungkook.

You looked over at Jungkook who was aiding your mother in putting the dishes in the sink. They were having a mild conversation about school and if you were a good tutor. It was a lovely sight to see; the way Jungkook smiled politely and chuckled nervously.

“Ah, mom, Auntie Eunbin is calling.” You walked into the kitchen with her cellphone in one hand and the rest of the dishes in the other.

“Oh, okay. Sorry you two, I’m going to have to take this call.” Your mother swapped her phone in your hand with the dish sponge and fled into the backyard; you assumed your auntie was calling to ask about your mother’s potted plants.

“My mom is probably gonna ask you to stay to have some ice cream, so be prepared.” You snickered and hovered over the sink.

“Can I stay?” Jungkook questioned.

“Yeah it’s fine. I hope you like fudge brownie ice cream, Jeon.” You poured dish soap onto the sponge and squeezed it a few times to get it nice and lathered. Just before you could even start scrubbing, Jungkook stole the sponge out of your hand and gently nudged you to the side with his hip.

“I’ll take this, thank you very much.” Jungkook said smugly.

“No, no, no, no. I don’t think so.” You tried to reach for the sponge, but Jungkook was at an advantage with his larger built body frame. “Jungkook, you’re a guest!”

“Exactly! So let me show my gratitude by doing the dishes.” He flug some of the soap suds at you and this triggered you to scoff and wipe the left over soap residue on his cheek.

For a good minute, you and Jungkook were attacking each other with soap and water, completely forgetting about the true objective: washing the damn dishes.

“Ahh! Jungk—”

In the blink of an eye, Jungkook encircled your wrist in his hand and had you caged against the kitchen counter. He leaned it and your breath was caught in your throat. Streaks of the soapy water were still visible on his face and you couldn’t help but look right into his eyes.

“Uh—umm…” you stammered.

“Y/n.” He breathed. “I got this.”

The bass of his voice shook you and you had to fight the blush that was rising to your cheeks.

“Oh...kay…” your voice came out as a whisper and you could feel your chest tighten.

Jungkook let go of your wrist and reeled himself away from you. The hand that was once around your wrist was now on top of your head and there was a beaming smile plastered on his face. “Perfect! It worked!”

You blinked a few times as you allowed yourself to get pushed off to the side. Jungkook casually began to wash the dishes and smiled at you one more time.

“It worked? It—?! Jeon, you asshole!” You laughed and grabbed onto his shirt, shaking him side to side.

It was weird.

You never imagined a day in your life where you’d be standing in your kitchen smiling and joking around with Jeon Jungkook. It didn’t feel strange or unfamiliar, it was like you two had been friends for a while.

So weird.

↠↞

“You know what sounds great right now? Watching The Titanic.” Jungkook quipped.

You nudged your knee against Jungkook’s and ate a spoonful of ice cream.

Just as you predicted, your mother invited Jungkook to stay a little longer to enjoy a scoop or two of ice cream. He eagerly agreed which led the two of you to sit side by side on the sofa watching a true crime series on the television.

Instead of a scoop or two, Jungkook had two mugfuls of ice cream and as tempting as it was to eat more, he refused. You ended up feeding him some of your share because why the fuck not, you’ve been hand feeding him the entire night might as well keep the ball rolling.

“I can’t believe my mom mentioned that.” You groaned and held a spoonful of ice cream to Jungkook’s mouth.

“There’s nothing wrong with that.” He swallowed. “Hell, I still cry watching A Walk to Remember—”

Jungkook froze and tilted his gaze towards you, hoping to not make eye contact but you were already gawking at him.

“I mean—”

“You cry when you watch A Wal—”

“I didn’t say anything.”

You let out a teasing chuckle. “Well, well, I know what we’re going to watch next time.” 

Jungkook swiftly grabbed the mug out of your hands and sulked into the couch cushions.

“If we’re watching A Walk to Remember, then we’re also watching The Titanic.” Now it was his turn to offer you a scoop of your own ice cream. It was a risky deal, but you agreed regardless. As much as you didn’t want to show him your crying face, the desire to see what he looked like when he cried was stronger.

You probably said okay, let’s get back to work after this episode about three times. All of your papers were still sprawled across the table and the true crime series was still playing. At this point, the project was already long forgotten.

At the next commercial, Jungkook stretched out his limbs and let out a strangled whine.

“Whew, I haven’t been this full with good food in a while.” He leaned over to the side and rested a hand on his stomach.

“Oh yeah, I forgot! I hope this didn’t ruin your diet.” You collected the mugs to leave them soaking in the sink.

“It’s alright. I’ve been juggling between the meals and snacks you gave me with other smaller meals, so a dinner like this won’t hurt me too bad.” He explained. “The lettuce wraps and roasted sweet potatoes are my favorite by the way.”

You joined him back on the couch and crossed your legs. “I’ll make you more next time.”

“No, y/n. I can’t ask you to do that.”

“It’s fine.” You smiled. “I had a lot of fun making it. I don’t cook much anyway, so I felt like a chef.”

Jungkook smiled at you and inched a bit closer to you. “Okay, well let’s both go to the supermarket together next time so I can pay for the ingredients at least. I don’t want you to spend your money.”

You definitely judged Jungkook too quickly.

He was a sweet and courteous guy. You probably just didn’t trust handsome faces, especially ones who were as social as Jungkook. He also became easy to talk to and someone you could joke around with. Besides getting a good grade on the history project, a friendship with him was another positive outcome from this fake relationship deal. 

“Deal.” You replied.

The true crime episode came back on and both of your attention immediately went back to the television. Your eyes danced along the screen, then down to the cable box.

9:31

Holy shit. It’s already this late?!

“Hey, Jungkook.” He turned to you. “What time do you have to be home?”

He then looked over at the cable box and then back at his phone.

“Oh shit. I didn’t even realize it was this late already.” He chuckled. “Uh, I should be heading home.”

Huh?

For a second, you felt… disappointed?

“I’ll help you clean up first. We did quite the number to your living room.” Jungkook laughed again.

You both began to tidy up the living room in silence, probably because the two of you were still trying to watch the true crime episode.

“I’ll walk you out.” You smiled at him.

After letting your mother know that Jungkook was going to leave, they said their goodbyes, and Jungkook followed you out your front door.

“It’s cold as fuck out here.” Jungkook shivered. “You should’ve just stayed inside, y/n.”

You shook your head. “No can do. I have to make sure I see my guests out.”

Jungkook nodded his head and unlocked his car, tossing his back in the passenger seat.

No matter what the weather or situation was, you always made sure to walk your guests out to be sure that they made it into their cars safely.

“By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask,” you began. “Do you always open the car doors for people? Cuz’ I always have to walk my guests out. Is it the same thing?”

Jungkook closed the door and leaned on his car. He crossed his arms and gave it some thought. “Yeah, I guess it’s sort of like that. When I was a kid, my dad used to always tell me and my brother to open the car door for our mom because it was something ‘a man should do.’” He explained and you smiled a little imagining the sixth grade version of Jungkook opening the car door for his mother. “As I grew up, I guess it just stuck with me. I only do it with girls though, my guy friends know how to get in a car.”

You laughed. “I guess it’s kind of like me then.”

A gust of cold wind blew and you rubbed your arms.

“Well, thanks for coming over, Jeon. Text me when you get home so I know you made it safe.”

“Thanks for inviting me.” He smiled.

Jungkook stood there for a moment and honestly, you were hoping he was going to get inside his car soon because he was right, it was cold as fuck outside. He lifted an arm and tugged you by your forearm to have you flush against his body. He enveloped you in a hug and it caught you completely off guard. Your hands were pressed against his car, hesitating to return the gesture, but eventually you circled your arms around his torso.

“You know, y/n, you mentioned in your room that you find it hard to leave your comfort zone and I really can’t thank you enough for being my fake girlfriend.” He said softly. “We both got out of serious relationships and getting to know you a little better, I can’t imagine how hard it must’ve been for you to go from holding hands with Sehun to me all of a sudden.”

You blinked a few times.

Now this was out of the blue.

“It—It was probably harder for you. You dated Chaeyoung for like three years.” You explained into his chest.

“Heh… I guess you’re right.” He gently rubbed your back. “But, really, thank you for doing this for me. It was selfish of me to ask and I hope you’re not going to hate me after it’s all over.”

You laughed thinking about how you gained a new friendship with Jungkook. “I won’t. You’re a good guy, Jungkook.”

Silence filled the air once again and you were thankful that your face was buried in Jungkook’s chest. You didn’t dare look into his eyes.

“S’warm….” you hummed.

It didn’t occur to you that you said that out loud until Jungkook chuckled and hugged you tighter.

“I told you to stay inside.” He let you go and gently nudged you to walk back up your driveway.

“I’ll be fine.” You laughed, watching him get into his car. “Drive safe!”

Jungkook waved at you, gesturing you to go inside but you countered, waving him off so he can drive off first. This went on for a while until he finally gave in, starting his car. You stood in your driveway just until his car disappeared from your line of sight. Just as fast as he left, you sprinted into your house and pressed your back against the front door.

The noise of the television filled the room but you paid it no mind. If you had to be honest with yourself, at the beginning, you thought of just discarding Jungkook as an acquaintance overall once this whole facade was over. You imagined your life going back to the way it used to be: undisturbed, going at one pace, and staying focused on yourself and school. This was the plan. You thought you had it set in stone.

Now, you weren’t sure if you were ready to leave this temporary chaotic lifestyle anytime soon. But just because Jungkook wasn’t going to be your fake boyfriend anymore didn’t mean anything else had to change. You still had a new bond with him and once it was all over, that new friendship was going to remain.

You dipped your head and blankly stared at the wooden floor.

“I guess leaving my comfort zone once in a while isn’t always a bad thing.”

-

-

-

♡ rae jagi

[bts-love-sweat-tears]

Café Potente

Title: Café Potente

Pairing: Kim Namjoon x Reader

Type: cafe!au, pure tooth-rotting fluff!

Rating: PG

Warnings: Namjoon being a slight perv, kinkshaming if you squint (haha)

Word count: 1,628

Summary: In which Namjoon uses English and Clumsy to get himself a date. 

A/N: First ever collab with @sugarcookiesandsins. She just had to re-create so be sure to follow her. She’s also the grand admin of a really amazing Discord fangirl server. This was both really fun and obnoxiously hard to write, bc we kept dying of uwus while writing (I’m old, does this make sense)? Anyway, sorry not sorry for the massive amounts of cheese.

For once in your life, you were hoping that the universe would cooperate. So far, everything was going perfectly: the bus schedule, the weather, the heavenly smell of freshly brewed coffee. But good things come only in threes and you felt it in your gut that the universe would be giving you something bad to balance it out. 

Still, you soldiered on; you had been dying to try this new coffee shop, and it did not disappoint. From the soft fairy lights framing the chalkboard menu to the soft murmuring of the people around you, this cafe looked like it had been pulled straight from a fiction romance: the type of place where a meet-cute would happen. You dragged your eyes over the old-fashioned brick wall on the left side, patterned with a collage of art and paper notices, some advertising other stores and other simply messages about loving life. 

All-in-all you could definitely see yourself coming back here, perhaps to study, or even just to curl up in that plush bean bag in the corner with a good book.

Walking further into your personal utopia, you entered the line and focused on the menu. It had all the classics, and even a special menu that you were considering making your way through. Settling on your order, you let your thoughts wander until they settled on the other patrons. 

There was a tall boy in front of you, clad in all denim and a baseball cap pulled low over his face. You normally didn’t pay much attention to those around you, but the line was barely moving, and he had presence.  He was on his phone, speaking animatedly about something or other. As you eyed him idly, you realized that the phone conversation he was having was in perfect English. It had been months since you had had any meaningful conversations, rather than the mindless repetition of colors and numbers you circled though with your students.

Without permission from your social graces, your feet moved closer, yearning to hear more about whatever mundane conversation he was having.  Just as you got close enough to actually hear the conversation, it was finally his turn to order. He almost dropped his phone upon hanging up, scrambling to catch it, but knocking over the tip jar in the process. It clanged noisily to the ground and you noticed a blush tint the top of his ears as he bent down to recover it. 

It seemed that luck was not on his side however as his hat managed to catch on the lip of the counter falling off his head to the hardwood floor. You picked it up, and handed it to him. He nodded gratefully but didn’t say anything. You had been hoping to strike up a conversation with the stranger, but he clearly had enough on his plate. He moved to the far end of the counter to wait for his drink and before you could think of anything to say, it was your turn to order.

After ordering and paying for your drink, you moved down to the far end of the counter, and stood once again behind the taller man. He was back on his phone, emphatically gesturing as he continued his conversation on the phone. He seemed clueless that he was mixing korean and english into a new language all its own. It was oddly endearing. 

You thought that you were at a respectable normal distance, but apparently chaos was a natural state of being for him. Before you knew what had happened, you were covered in the remnants of his drink. Though you knew forces of entropy were present in the universe, this boy must have been prime among them.

Somehow, in the scant seconds between grabbing his drink and spinning around, the two of you collided. You had expected that such a public embarrassment would move slowly, like in the seconds before a fall, but no. In one fell swoop, you had gone from cozy anticipation of your drink to completely drenched in his. You felt like a complete idiot, standing there frozen pondering the statistical probability of what had just occurred. 

However frozen you felt, though, the chaotic bilingual boy in front of you was a flurry of energy, moving for the napkins, apologizing profusely, and somehow still managing to maintain that smooth flow of bilinguality with whoever was on the other end. 

You decided to choose one for him, with a small grin you pacified the man. “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” You rejoiced as the syllables flowed out your mouth, relishing in the rare feeling of speaking english. 

His eyes widened comically, whether surprised at your language skills, or lack of rage; you couldn’t be entirely certain. Still he managed to compose himself pretty quickly, before blurting out a final apology, seemingly blank on any other words. 

You covered your giggle with your hand, momentarily forgetting about the brown stain on the front of your favorite t-shirt, emblazoned with the words THAT GIRL. But, the passing breeze of an opening door felt cold against the front of your chest, causing you to try to shield your torso from the offending wind. 

You glared at the new customer, blaming them for the new awkwardness you were feeling. Yet, you felt the pointed stare of someone. Turning back to the clumsy genius, you raised an eyebrow at the way his eyes were fixated on your chest. Seeing his pupils moving back and forth was the only thing keeping you from slapping his porcelain skin. 

“Oi. My eyes are up here you know.” His face bloomed roses as he realized what it had looked like from your perspective. Stumbling over his words, he tried quickly to excuse himself. The next words out of his mouth satiated your rage completely. 

“It’s not what you think. Just trying to figure out whether you’re a Marlo Thomas or Phoebe Buffay fan.” Whatever words you had been expecting, it certainly wasn’t these. Instead of swearing off men forever, you were wondering whether you had just met your soulmate. Not only was he a fellow 90s kid, but he also knew one of the original leading ladies of primetime TV. 

“And if I say both?” You tease, wondering whether his words would be as clumsy as his actions.  Instead, he was surprisingly smooth, and despite his earlier mishaps, his entire demeanor had changed from a gangly awkward youth to someone comfortable with witty repartee. 

“Then I would say that we need to meet up again to fully discuss the pros and cons of each of the shows. This is a serious undertaking and we can’t be rash,” though his words suggest gravity, the expression on his face indicates that he is joking. 

“Same time next week? And maybe next time, I won’t become your personal coffee dispenser.”

Never in your life would you have thought to yourself that the most obscure t-shirt in your wardrobe would be the reason you fell in love, yet here you were cuddled on the couch, tracing words on the paper as warm breaths caressed your neck. 

“You done reading baby?” You nod your head once, shift backwards to envelop yourself even more in Namjoon’s embrace. At his words, you put down your book and try to be more present in the moment with the love of your life.

It was a Friday night, almost 2 years to the day that Namjoon had the great misfortune of spilling coffee and inadvertently staring at your chest. You had the great fortune of meeting a cute, nerdy, multi-talented guy who enjoyed the same old tv shows at you, and remembered the same microscopic details that you did.

 It had gotten to the point where none of your friends wanted to hang out with you anymore, the two of you finishing each other’s movie quotes and winning incessantly at trivia. But you and Namjoon couldn’t be happier much to your friends’ chagrin. And despite their grumbles, you knew that they were happy that the two of you had found someone so perfectly matched. 

You smiled at the memory as Namjoon turned the page for the both of you. It had become a tradition; both of you cuddled up on the couch under the blanket that you had gifted him the first Christmas. There was always coffee on the small table, the dark color contrasting against matching couple mugs. 

It was enough to make someone vomit, but you didn’t mind, and neither did he. In fact, the two of you would often try to outdo each other on the mug front, and you were never at a loss for a clean cup for a warm beverage. Some might call you hoarders, but you and Joon maintained that you were collectors. 

You finally had the man of your dreams, romantic, nerdy, and caring all wrapped into one being and sprinkled with a dash of clumsy for good measure.

“I guess the world was wrong Joonie?” Your boyfriend lifted his eyes from the book, glasses allowing you to see the shades of brown that painted his irises. He gave you a quizzical look that made you giggle - it wasn’t often that you were able to confuse him. 

“Good things don’t come in threes. They come in fours.”

“Spilling my coffee on you was a good thing? You know, y/n, some might call that a kink.” His dimples are out full force, softening your heart and the gentle smack to his arm.

“You know, Joon, for someone so smart, you’re pretty dumb sometimes,” you want to make him sweat a little, but you are unable to keep a straight face.

“I mean you.” 

[kurogabae]

Tsubasa: Trainwreck Chronicles

And Why Bee Train Personally Owes Me At Least a Grand; an Essay by Popular Demand

part 1 part 2

For those of you who might not know, I love Tsubasa Chronicle. So much. But for the love of Kurogane’s beautiful biceps is the anime awful. Now, I’m not one of those “manga purists” who always insists the manga is better than the anime, I tend to find them equal pretty often. This is not one of those cases.

Once upon a time CLAMP made a deal with Bee Train for a Tsubasa anime. Cardcaptor Sakura had done so well! CLAMP was a solid name to back! Bee Train had nothing to lose - except the trust of every CLAMP fan ever. I don’t know how hands on CLAMP (or rather Ohkawa) were in the production but I feel like “not at all” is a fairly solid guess. It was a mess folks. Production was rushed, story was disregarded, plot was cut up and Frankensteined back together, I’m not even going to talk about the English casting.

In fairness, it wasn’t without it’s good points. The soundtrack was flawless, the Japanese cast was amazing, and when Bee Train tried they really did manage to make the series look nice, which imo makes the rest of the subpar animation even more of a slap to the face. They even had some genuinely enjoyable filler episodes - the chibi episode and the Kero and Mokona episode are always the first to come to my mind - but overall? Not even a hot mess, just a mess. 

Under the cut we’ll go arc by arc. I’m not going to rewatch the series just to write this so forgive me if I’m missing facts or if something I say is slightly inaccurate. Also, beware of spoilers for the manga if you haven’t finished reading it. That means you Nick. I’ll write you up a spoiler free copy of this later. Anyway, let’s go.

Opening and introductions:

You’d think, as the start of your series, you’d want the first episode or two to look really nice right? Catch the eye, impress the new viewer. Not Bee Train! [x x] The whole thing is subpar at best. Syaoran and Sakura’s introduction isn’t so bad for the most part, they’re cute and Bee Train tried to add a little more interaction between them before Sakura loses her feathers, which I am all kinds of behind, but... there’s a point where they run from castle guards. And Syaoran sort of just... grabs her and runs and Sakura is left literally flapping in the wind? [x] Also Sakura looks stoned out of her mind in like 90% of the shots she’s in. Touya probably thinks Syaoran is giving her drugs. But honestly, I don’t have too many problems with how the intro happens, mostly just the way it looks.

Fai’s intro can go by with almost no comment aside from the fact that his face looks like it’s melting. Sadly, this is not the worse his face will ever look. Pretty meh.

Personally I think Kurogane’s intro got the short end of the stick visually and I’m not just saying that because he and Tomoyo are my favorites. They both look pretty awful and, as always, where’s the beef???

Also Yuuko deserved better. 

Hanshin:

If possible, the animation gets even lazier. We’ve added Mokona to the party and they cannot decide how big she is. I’m not being nitpicky either. Her size fluctuates wildly. Here are just a few examples set only in Hanshin. This problem persists throughout the series. Also I don’t know how to exactly put this into words but... everyone’s eyes are just extra jacked up. 

Plot wise we mostly follow canon. Until they decide Sakura should get more screen time. “Great idea!” I can hear you say. “We love Sakura!” Well so do I. Problem: she has one (1) feather to her name and is comatose. Sakura is not really going to do anything. Yet the camera keeps going back to her- oh wait she’s awake. Sort of. Oh she’s getting dressed now, we even get a very weird little montage of her trying on clothes. Now she’s wandering the town, meets up with the leader of the Mohawk Gang whose kudan Kurogane beat the crap out of. Luckily she’s a super cute girl (who is barely conscious and doesn’t even talk? She’s so far from Mokona she probably can’t even understand these guys anyway but...) so they take her out to lunch instead of doing something Terrible. To the restaurant Touya works at. He serves her and doesn’t recognize her, meaning there is no Sakura in this world, at least not one related to him. This happens a lot.

In the anime Sakura is sometimes, for reasons unexplained and inconsistent, “drawn” to her feathers. She’s looking for her feather. There is an absurd Looney Tunes moment where she climbs some sort of tall thing (oil rig? construction site? world’s weirdest flag pole?) and jumps off of it before Syaoran and Co. (who have located her after Arashi, who would never have lost track of her in the first place let’s be real, tells them she’s gone AWOL) can stop her.

And then she flies. Literally and truly fucking flies. Through the sky. Thanks I hate it. 

Syaoran catches her, brings her back home, and the story pretty much continues. One fun change was that the whole family had to share a room, they didn’t get separated like in the manga, so we get treated to this Gay Fucking Scene(tm) of Kurogane waking up and the first thing he sees if Fai sleeping while angelic music plays in the background. So that was nice.

Oh god hang on, I had to come back and add this because I literally always forget: Kurogane sees a version of Tomoyo in this world and goes running after her, leaving Fai and Syaoran to meet Touya and Yukito on their own. This results in both of them missing Kurogane’s kudan fight and Kurogane missing the “same face, different person” talk/reminder. They still can’t draw Tomoyo. 

Also this.

Koryo:

Where’s the beef?

Much in the spirit of Hanshin, Koryo keeps mostly to the plot and has overall meh animation with a few choice moments of dear god why. Surprisingly, they made a few changes that I didn’t hate - the village had gotten a group of rebels together against the Ryanban. He also stole Chu’nyan’s mother’s body, making it so that her spirit could never find peace, making him even more of a dick.

This is where we see the first instance of the anime really being geared towards younger audiences than CLAMP had planned for. In the manga Sakura wins everyone new clothes via dice gambling, but in the anime she wins a lottery. Not a big deal, but we see more of this. Another thing change is that there’s a whole secondary plot added to everything when they try to, again, give Sakura a more active role. There are better ways to do this, but Bee Train sort of just tosses her into action and then tosses Syaoran in after her. It’s always bad and pointless and never amounts to anything. 

Anyway, she ends up inside the castle, somehow Syaoran manages to follow after her. Goodness knows what the dads are up to. (Probably this.) Some Really Weird Stuff happens and from what I remember the spirit of Chu-nyan’s mother hops a ride out of the castle with Sakura. Who, uhh, teleports her and Syaoran out. Yeah.

The rest of the arc goes pretty much how the manga does with a handful of minor changes - like the fact that Kurogane never bought a manga in Hanshin, so in order to block Kiishim’s killing blow he’s tucked the hammer he was using to fix the roof in his shirt, which is a much smaller shield than a whole ass book and I think that’s dumb. Still can’t get Mokona’s size right, to awkward and hilarious results.

And remember kids, we won’t show you dice but we will show you this.

Big Lake and Shipper Fish:

The animation in this part is actually pretty nice. Considering. The things they changed were needless and weird.

Sakura and the fish talk. How? Why? We don’t know, it’s never explained or examined. We are meant to accept it Because Sakura, which only works most of the time. The fish tries to tell Sakura that she knows Syaoran - we all know this will not and cannot work. Why does this happen? What was the point of adding this? It is so weird and awkward. It messes up the flow and is so extra. I understand your desires Shipper Fish, but please, let things take their course.

Jade:

Fuck you and fuck your animation. It looks The Worst, which is a bummer because this world changes the fewest amount of things. Anything I could point out are really minor:

somehow Fai can read

they never show how the family gets their clothes, and 99% of the scene in the tavern is skipped

breaking and entering!

Mokona bites Kurogane in the ass

they don’t have horses

no Kuro-dork looking at the snow like an excited child

they nerf Kurogane’s BAMF

the feather isn’t hidden behind a wall, they need the pure hearts of children?

Kyle was a way lazier villain 

Filler #1 - Lightning Jazz Hands:

Alright, that looked neat as hell, I’ll admit. My compliments end here.

Story: nosy little shits got themselves cursed. Gonna fight in a competition to win a Big Magic. Is the Big Magic a feather? Stay tuned! (It’s not, because then the girl would die and that would be Too Sad.)

So the people in this country can shoot lightning out of their hands, that would be awesome and possibly scary, but I guess Kurogane is water/ground type because he gets it and only says, and I quote, “it tingles”. So your lightning powers mean nothing, add no stakes, and the Fam can’t do it so what is the point?

This filler is also famous for its KuroFai baiting, which is impressive, seeing as the anime tried very hard to make them Not Gay. I mean it failed but yeah.

Syaoran is the only fighter they have left because Kurogane and Fai are children and Sakura is making friends with the cursed girl. Keefer... Keepha... fights Syaoran, and obviously Syaoran wins because we’re supposed to think this is a feather. They really play it up to, even after we learn the Big Magic isn’t a feather Syaoran still hesitates before handing it over. For dramatics I guess? I don’t know, there’s literally no reason for him to not give it to the needy couple.

Boring filler. Only fun was watching Kurogane get excited over fighting people.

tbc... with Outo

[part 1] [part 2]

[cococrazies]

Lovestruck Series Review: Starship Promise (Season 1)

Personal playing order: Orion - Jaxon - Antares - Nova - Atlas

Warning! Minor spoilers ahead for Antares’s/Nova’s/Atlas’s routes, as well as CGs under the cut.

Orion: I’m torn on this one. I really enjoyed the story -- a lot more than I thought I would, given my lack of enthusiasm for the series concept -- and Orion himself. (If anyone ever wanted Shang from Mulan but in outer space, this is it.) The writing also had a very natural cadence and flow; it pulled me in easily, never getting too heavy-handed with sudden plot twists and cliffhangers... except for one instance, but more on that below.

And the MC! She was a pleasant surprise. I hadn’t been too impressed by her in the first-ep sneak peeks we get in each route, but she’s really cute -- she can be a bit of a space cadet at times (sorry, bad pun intended), but she isn’t dumb. Furthermore, she really develops over the course of the route, which is impressive given everything else stuffed into these mere 12 episodes.

So now to the things I didn’t like about this route: for one, the romantic development. It seemed really sudden and almost shoehorned-in as a result of the route length, which was jarring given how well-paced everything else had been up to that point. 

Also, the Antares plot twist; it felt cliché and gimmicky, especially since I could see it coming from a mile away. I think I would’ve preferred for it to be a Season 2 reveal, or at least presented to us right from the start -- as it was, it just seemed like it was there for the “shock factor” + to forcibly give us a reason to care about the antagonist if we didn’t already. But since this was a pilot season, I guess I can understand how they wanted to tease at an intriguing backstory as early as possible to get players invested.

Overall, they still did succeed with the latter, because now I’m pretty curious about where they’re going with this. And also because I need more Orion/MC in my life; rushed or not, those two are simply way too cute.

Jaxon: Whoa, this story was jam-packed with action scenes and chemistry between the OTP. The pace is hella fast, but you never get the sense that we’re skipping past important details; the writing makes the most of every episode it has got. Not a single scene is wasted or filler-like.

Jaxon himself is a bit of a harder sell. His gargantuan ego, jokester personality, and YOLO take on everything make him one of those characters that you either love or hate -- although for me, he fell somewhere near the middle of the spectrum. I like his concept and find him a refreshing addition to Lovestruck’s character lineup, but he’s not really my type as far as romance goes; and sometimes he toes the line for being near annoying.

(The fact that I constantly seemed to make the wrong choices -- at least judging by the sheer amount of weird looks or lukewarm responses he gave me after 90% of my choices -- didn’t help. Heads-up: don’t try to play it cool. This MC really, really can’t do cool. I had several near-death experiences from sheer secondhand embarrassment while playing this route.)

That aside, he makes a surprisingly good team with MC. Except from some cringey non-heart options (which were brutal this route, by the way), they naturally eased into working as a combo. I like how they both are able to pull each other out of their respective emotional ruts, as well as complement the other’s shortcomings. Jaxon’s character turnaround near the end felt a little sudden, but I like the teased insight on his past, and am looking forward to learn more about it.

Antares: Oh, MC. Trust me, I of all people totally understand crushing on the hot, mysterious, and possibly noble anti-hero holding you captive for unknown reasons, but even so. Being constantly unable to focus on anything but your attration to him -- and using it as a basis for your foundation to trust him almost straight away despite how he works for the Big Bad, and is literally using you as a tool(-fixer) for whatever evil purposes the Empire has in mind for the galaxy -- is like a whole new level of uncool.

(Also, how is a sheltered colony girl’s reaction to seeing a military leader telling his troops not to leave a single ship standing “swoon, he’s so charismatic” instead of “holy shit, he kills people”? Priorities, MC.)

Beyond that, Antares’s route was very intriguing to me. Out of Lovestruck’s villain routes so far this is the one that has done the least to paint the love interest as less of an antagonist, or the side he sympathizes with as more morally grey. I also appreciated seeing another side of Antares himself that actually knows the definition of the word chill  isn’t perpetually dressed in bunny-ear mecha armor  that’s not completely absorbed by his thirst for vengeance against his brother.

Similar to Orion’s route, the romantic development also dropped on us out of the blue here... but strangely, I didn’t mind. In a way, it seemed to make sense for Antares’s emotionally dysfunctional personality (to the point that it gave me Chance S1 in GiL flashbacks). I think I almost preferred this to him doing a sudden 180 and going all mushy on MC when any potential romantic build-up outside of premium choices has been minimal. I’m holding my thumbs now for a gradual turnaround -- much like Chance got -- in his future seasons.

Nova: I keep going back and forth re: how I feel about this route. To again start with the positive -- I’d been worried that Nova would be a Space Medusa 2.0, so I was pleasantly surprised to find that she wasn’t. For all the kuu in her kuudere demeanor, Nova still spends a fair amount of the route bonding with MC through actual conversation, and unlike Orion’s/Antares’s routes this season the romance didn’t even seem that rushed. Furthermore, I was intrigued by Nova’s backstory (not to mention that she’s hot as hell).

But to be entirely honest, this story is also the most formulaic, “typical otome”-esque route I’ve read so far in Lovestruck -- not so much in concept as in execution. It reminds me of one of those Voltage JP fantasy routes where we spend the first 1/3 of the route with semi-slice-of-life scenes interspersed with action, the middle 1/3 of this route discovering the LI’s angsty past and them distancing themselves to protect MC, and the final 1/3 with MC dissolving into hysterics/apocalyptic depression, stupidly running after LI alone, and declaring their undying love for them after having known them for a couple of days in the middle of a life-or-death situation.

Since I do play Voltage JP games I’m not saying it’s necessarily a terrible thing, just... jarring. I might seem like I’m awfully hard on Lovestruck’s writing a lot of the time, but that’s because I have high expectations of it. In a sea of near-identical mobile otome clones Lovestruck stands out with a more Westernized and creative take on standard otome tropes, hence often avoiding common pitfalls associated with the genre. The writing in general is a cut above what I expect from mobile games as well, hence all my criticisms; I don’t balk (as much) at LIs doing sudden 180s or MCs being stupid in a Solmare game, but I do with Lovestruck because I know -- and have seen firsthand -- that they can do better.

So this route was confusing to me. Because, if I were to go for my usual standard from what I would expect run-of-the-mill Voltage JP route, for example, or a Shall We Date? one -- then I’d think it’s fine. Or even good. But for Lovestruck? I don’t know. I wouldn’t say it’s bad, just not... good. (The GiL-esque Pokémon-battle narration for action scenes -- yes, this is my official pet peeve now -- didn’t help.)

With all that said though, I didn’t dislike Nova’s route. (Hence the confusion.) And definitely not Nova herself. I just don’t really know how I feel about its writing direction, and how it measures against my expectations of a Lovestruck route.

Atlas: I fell head over heels for this route. Seriously, this was Astraeus-in-season-3-of-AFK level instant love, except without the devastating angst and with a decent helping of fluffy feels on top. Not that it was all fluff -- we had our share of prospective angst here too, if less literally earth-shattering. And hell of a lot of action, character development, and tons of other goodies tightly stuffed in a 12-episode-package of awesome.

Similar to my review for Astraeus, I don’t even know where to begin talking about this route’s good points. The prose, for one -- there were just so many beautifully worded narrative transitions, and the dialogue didn’t lose out in that aspect, either. The sass, sarcasm, and the humor were well-timed, but didn’t go overboard/seem out of character for MC or the rest of the cast.

Then there’s Atlas himself. Breaking down tsunderes is one of my favorite otome pastimes, and doing exactly that to our resident grouchy pilot was no different. First of all, I love that he maintains a healthy balance between insults that are obviously all bark and no bite, and genuinely worded criticism that should logically be voiced. In fact, there’s so little unnecessary tsun here that he could almost pass for a kuudere. 

Regardless of whatever mold he’d better fit into, finally crumbling down that cranky demeanor of his and seeing him dere was a sweet, sweet reward. (I actually caved and went premium twice despite my agonizing wallet because I couldn’t resist seeing more of it.)

Or heck, even the platonic moments building up to that were great. Because the romance with Atlas was really well-paced; I love how we went from almost-hate (my favorite trope!) to begrudging respect, then to friendly equals/teammates, and finally something more -- all the while there was obvious chemistry between him and MC interlacing every interaction. I was kind of worried whether we’d get some last-minute romantic confession slapped on near the end, but thankfully we got a development that, for all its unrealistic corniness, still had me squealing. Especially with that cliffhanger; dammit, how am I even supposed to emotionally last until I get to his second season?

The main plot was really interesting, too -- probably my favorite premise out of the ones we’ve been offered so far. Even though it starts out similarly with MC on the run, I like how 1) we see the Union as evil right from the bat, avoiding having another MC-gets-out-of-her-naïve-colony-girl-mindset mini-arc; 2) rather than being perpetrated for some valuable information/artifact that the Starship crew might benefit from, MC is in a situation where they actually have no reason to keep her around, adding more tension to the intro; and 3) how all of this tied into Atlas’s own personal character arc. (Not that I minded how the other premises played out, it just made for a fresh change of pace.)

To wrap this gigantic word-vomit ramble up, I’d just like to conclude by gushing one last time how fantastic this route is -- I’d warmly recommend it to anyone interested in giving Starship a chance, because after this, the series personally had me hook, line, and sinker.

Final character ranking: Atlas > Orion > Jaxon > Antares > Nova

....This got a little longer than I intended it to be, oops. Kudos to anyone who has made it to the end of this season review. (I’ll try to be a little more concise in my next one, i.e. GiL S7.)  You can follow my tag #coco reviews lovestruck for more reviews of Lovestruck games, or check out the ones I’ve done so far on this list.

[fanficstookover]

Just Benefits, Not Friends - Stiles  (part 1)

.Request: OMG I love your work! It's all so amazing! I have a request actually. Can you write a Stiles "Friends with beneftis" type of thing? I've seen you write smutty stuff previously... Anyway, if you can do it, thank you <3

God damn it. I only wanted to make a quick friends with benefits type of thing. But NOO... I had to go full crazy mode and write way too much.  Well, guess what. This is going to have more parts. 

I think that the tutle sums it up pretty nicely.

Word count: 2525

Warnings: mention of nudity, smut, underage drinking, cheating, swearing. 

part 2  - part 3  - part 4  - part 5 - part 6 

“Soo,” you said, looking down at your hands. It was much more awkward than you expected it to be.

“Are we doing this?” Stiles, asked. It was quite obvious that he was stressed.

“Only if you want to.” you said, now becoming unsure yourself. For the first time that evening, Stiles looked into your eyes. “I do. I really need this” This was the whole encouragement the both of you needed. As soon as he said those words, you jumped up from your place on the couch and straddled him, with a passionate kiss.  

“God, I hate you so much,” you moaned out once his lips moved to your neck.

It all started on Saturday. You were getting ready for a party at Lydia’s place.

“Oh my god, this will look so good on you,” Lydia squealed as she showed you a short dress. She threw it at you, which was a sign that said: PUT. IT. ON. You laughed and quickly went to the bathroom to change.

When you came back, Lydia gasped: “Wow, it’s even better than I thought. I am a genius.”

“Everyone knows that, Lyds,” you smiled and looked into the mirror. This dress definitely showed a lot. Your ass was barely covered and your boobs were practically spilling out of it.

“You sure about that,” you asked your friends as you looked at yourself, “isn’t it a bit too much. Or actually, too little?”

“I think you look hot. Every guy will drool over you.”

“I’m not sure my boyfriend would like that.”

“Who cares. You can still have some fun right.”  Suddenly your phone buzzed. Lydia picked it up and checked it. “Speaking of the devil.” she handed you the phone and you saw that he had send you a picture. You opened it and almost immediately dropped the phone with a scream, It bounced on the bed right next to Lydia’s leg.

“What happened did he - OH MY GOD! What the hell?” she started to laugh and put the phone back down on the bed.

“Stop it!’ you threw a pillow at her, but couldn’t help it but smile a bit too. Lydia threw the pillow back. She picked up the phone to look at the picture again. “Has he send you more of these,” she asked.

“No, and stop looking. That’s my boyfriend that you’re staring at!”

“But why did he send you that?”

“I don’t know. Maybe he thinks -”

“Wait, he’s typing,” Lydia said. The two of you look on the screen as the three dots moved up and down as your boyfriend was (hopefully) explaining why he had just send that.

Can’t stop thinking about last night ;) U ready for tonight?

“(Y/N)! Did you guys do it last night? You told me you were studying with Malia.” she slapped you on the arm, but you were only half listening.

“Lydia. I was studying with Malia last night… and I’m not seeing him tonight.” tears were forming in the corners of your eyes. It all made sense now. “He, he told me that he couldn’t go to the party tonight because he w-was…” you started crying. Lydia got up and walked over to the other side of the bed where you were sitting.

“Shh. it’s okay. Call him.”

“What! I can’t call him now.”

“Yes you can and you will. You have to let him know what a dirty piece of shit he is.” she handed you your phone and gave you that kind of look that only she could give anyone.

“Fine,” you groaned and got your phone. It took you only a few clicks and the phone was ringing. The picture of you and your boyfriend kissing was shining brightly on the screen. Before you always thought it was so cute, but now it made you sick. After a few rings he finally picked up.

“Hey babe.”

“Hi sweetie. Whatcha doin?” you asked in the sweetest voice you could possibly use.

“Er - nothing. Just watching some tv. You?”

“ I was planning on going to that party I told you about, you remember that. But actually, I’m not sure if I want to go anymore as you won’t be there. Do you maybe want to hang out tonight?” Lydia gave a confused look, but you just shushed her and listened to the answer of your lying scumbag of a boyfriend.

“I would love to babe, but I made plans with the guys tonight.”

“That’s weird. You told me that you didn’t have plans tonight.”

“It was a bit of a last minute thing.”

“Well, have fun tonight with the bitch you’ll be fucking,’ you said with a wide smile, “just remember for next time you send a dick pic: make sure you send it to the right person...and oh yeah, it’s over,” and with that you hang up. As soon as the picture of the two of you disappeared you went to your contacts and blocked his number.

“Well done, girl.”

“Thanks. Now I can at least wear what the hell I want without feeling bad.”

“And we are so gonna get drunk.”

“Definitely” you agreed.

4 hours later, you and Lydia were ready to go. Your makeup and hair was on point and you had found an amazing pair of heels to match the dress that Lydia gave to you.

“I think Scott and Stiles will be here in a minute,” she said as she checked her phone.

“Wait, Scott and Stiles?”

“Yes, they are picking us up in the jeep. I thought I told you that.”

“Well, you didn’t.”

“Oh c’mon, (Y/N), Are you seriously still mad at him about that. It was years ago.”

“Maybe, but he is still acting like an arrogant dick. I just got rid of one asshole in my life and right now, I don’t need another one.”

“Don’t be so melodramatic.” she rolled her eyes.

“I am NOT being -” but you couldn’t finish your sentence as you were interrupted by the loud noise of a car horn. “How classy.” you said.”

“They aren’t our dates, they’re just giving us a ride. Let’s get going.” She opened the door and literally pushed you outside. Just like you expected, the blue jeep was parked at the end of the driveway. Scott and Stiles were talking inside. They looked as if they were arguing about something. When they noticed that you were standing outside, Scott stopped talking to Stiles and waved at you. Stiles just rolled his eyes.

“Hey guys,” Lydia said as she opened the door to the backseat of the jeep. She got in and you followed quickly. Stiles said a high, but that was it. You sat down and didn’t say a word either.

“Hey (Y/N),” Scott said. You gave him a small handwave.

“What? Grumpy that your boyfriend isn’t here to suck your face off.” Stiles grinned.

“Shut up Stilinski!” you told him and started to look out the window. But before, from the corner of your eye, you could see Lydia slap the back of Stiles’ head. It did make you feel a bit better.

You have hated Stiles ever since you met. It was the first day of High School and you didn’t know anybody as you had just moved to Beacon Hills with your mom.

You were standing at your locker in a break, when somebody bumped into you and spilled their drink on your back.

“What the hell!” you screamed. You turned around and saw him. Stiles was laughing his little ass off, while your back was soaking wet. “Sorry,” he managed to say between laughs.

“No, you’re not.”

“Hey, it was just an accident. Don’t have to be such a bitch about it.”  

“And you don’t have to be suck jerk.”

And you never stopped arguing since.

“We’re here.” Stiles stopped the jeep and you immediately got out. Without waiting for Lydia (because you knew she would catch up even before you got to the front door) you made your way towards the big house filled with drunk teenagers. In need of some alcohol, you walked fast.

“(Y/N), wait!” Lydia caught up with you not even two seconds later.

“I need a drink. Like, right now.” you said. Pushing open the door, you realised that this was no average party. Literally the whole school was there. It was only a good sign, because that meant that there was a lot to drink.

As soon as you stepped in, you were offered a drink by the host. You didn’t recognize, but couldn’t help but notice that he was really cute. You picked up the shot glass from the tray he was holding and easily drank it.

“And there is much more where that came from.”

“Could you show me then,” you asked with a smirk. He returned the favour and told you to follow him. Unfortunately, Lydia stopped you.

“Don’t go and spoil the fun, Martin.” the guy said.

“Go and be a fuckboy somewhere else, Andrews.”  she said. The boy gave a quick wink and walked off.

“Let’s get something to drink.” without waiting for an answer, you pulled her with you to the kitchen. It was surprisingly not that full. There was a table in the middle of it, with every inch covered with some kind of bottle. You walked over to it and started to examine what was in front of you.

“Holy shit, they’ve got Polish Spirytus.”

“Isn’t that like, 90% pure alcohol?”

“95 actually.” you said as you unscrewed the bottle and took a plastic shot glass from a stack. You filled it to the rim and drowned it in one. It burned your whole mouth, but it was worth it.

“I wonder how they got it. I think it’s illegal in most of the states,” you said as you put the bottle down.

“Can you promise me not to drink that anymore.”

“Yeah. one is more than enough for me, Lyds. Don’t worry.” Lydia poured herself a drink and left.

The party had been going on for already a few hours and you maybe had left the kitchen once… to go to the toilet. You had not drank an insane amount of alcohol, but it was definitely not healthy. At one point it was only you in it. Then Stiles came in. a drink in his hand and he was followed by some girl.

“So you’re on the Lacrosse team, huh,” she looked rather impressed. You turned around from them and did your best not to burst out in laughter. Your drunk mind could not handle this right now.

“I guess, you could say that. I haven’t played a lot yet, but - wait!” before he could even finish his pathetic story, the girl rolled her eyes and left him. It was rather clear that he had given up as he didn’t even try to go after her. He just walked to the table with bottles, opened one without looking what it actually was and took a shot of it.

“Bad luck with the ladies?” you said.

“Even worse now that I see you’re here.” he rolled his eyes at you.

“No need to be so rude. Just trying to be sympathetic.”

“That’s a first,” he laughed, “how would you know how I feel. I don’t think I have ever seen you without some stupid jock walking behind you like on a leash.”

“There is no jock here right now, is there?”

“I guess.”

“Let’s be honest, Stiles. This night sucked for the both of us, let’s not make it a competition to see who's sucked more.”

“I would probably win,” he mumbled, “I probably tried to talk to every girl here, and they all blew me off. It’s starting to become really depressing.”

“No need to be so hard on yourself.” you said.

“Easy for you. Everyone loves you.”

“That’s not true. You hate me and Steven apparently doesn’t like me either.”  

“You broke up?”

“If you can call “him sending me a dick pic that was supposed to go to another bitch and then me dumping his cheap ass” breaking up, then yes, we broke up.” you said and took another sip from your glass.

“Oh, sorry.”

“Not your fault, is it?”

“No, I meant about the thing I said to you in the jeep.”

“Oh that.” you chugged the rest of your drink down when an idea popped up into your drunk brain.

“Hey, Stiles” you caught his attention, “how desperate are you?”

“Please don’t call me desperate. But, yeah. I would like some action.” that was everything you needed to hear. As you stepped closer to the boy you thought how you never would have done this if you were sober. But neither of you were, so who cares? Right?

Before he could ask you what the hell you were doing, you kissed him. It was a kiss like you’ve never had before. It surprised you that Stiles had not pulled away. Maybe he was really desperate. Maybe he was so drunk that he didn’t know how to move anymore. Maybe it was both, but he was kissing you back so you didn’t care. Somehow your hands found its way to gripping his soft hair as one of his arms (the other hand was still holding his drink) was draped around your waist.

The kiss had turned into a full-on makeout session and you were praying to every god you knew that nobody would walk in on you. You were in no rush into making this stop. Unfortunately Stiles was. He pulled away from you and even took a step back.

“What just happened?” he looked really confused.

“We sort of kissed.”

“Yeah, but why? We hate each other, remember?”

“I do. But I also remember how you said that no girl wanted to talk to you.”

“I didn’t say that nobody wanted to talk to me!”  

“Whatever. I just thought,” you looked at Stiles a bit unsure, “seen that you probably finally want to have a sex life and I don’t have a boyfriend anymore, we could…”

“Become friends with benefits?”

“For that, we would have to be friends first.”  you laughed.

“How would this work exactly?” he raised an eyebrow. You smirked and stepped a bit closer to him. Closing the gap that he had created before.

“It’s quite simple. If one of us, ever has some urges or needs, we can just help each other out.” you said as you traced some circles on his arm. The alcohol was really changing you into a different person. A person who Stiles clearly liked, because seconds later he said: “Fine, I’m in.”

“Good.” you whispered into his ear. You could feel him hitch a breath and that was your sign to back up. “Well, I’ll see you around. And one more thing,” you said before you stepped out of the kitchen, “I do not have sex with someone I haven’t made out with.”

“But you have made out with me, like just a moment ago.”

“At least a few times. I’m not a slut. Remember that, Stilinski.”

[milliebeeweasel]

Draco Sinister: Still a Better Time Travel Story than The Cursed Child

A while ago, I read Draco Dormiens, the fanfic famous for propelling Cassie Claire into BNF-dom, and for being a terrifying Frankenstein’s monster of plagiarism.  My masochistic streak kicked in again, and I decided to try the sequel, Draco Sinister: a tale of dumb love triangles, Shakespearean Wormtail and ignoring Voldemort for 900 pages.

The fic starts when Draco wakes from a nightmare, and struggles to decide who to tell about it, before settling on writing to Hermione … in exactly the same way as Harry wakes up from a nightmare at the start of Goblet of Fire and writes to Sirius.  Yeah.  The plagiarism starts that early.

Harry and Draco are spending the summer at an unnamed Magid school (and yes, it remains unnamed for the whole fic), where Fleur Delacour is also a student/Magid.  Weird Canon Divergence #1: Fleur here is not described as having veela heritage.  She is a veela.  Because Cassie Claire only skimmed the Harry Potter books .  Also Lupin teaches at this school, because the whole drama about him being unveiled as a werewolf apparently didn’t matter in Cassie’s world.

Anyhoo, Draco got this fancy sword at the end of Draco Dormiens during the epic bitchfight with Lucius.  It’s all green and sparkly, and totes belonged to Salazar Slytherin (because if Godric Gryffindor got a sword, Slytherin did too, apparently). But Harry’s hella suspicious of it and convinces Draco to let Lupin take the sword and make sure it’s not, like, cursed as all get out.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away at the Burrow, Hermione’s chilling with Ron and Ginny when she gets Draco’s letter.  She merrily writes back to him and Harry, before receiving another letter from Victor Krum.

Because the love triangle in Draco Dormiens wasn’t infuriating enough. Now we need to toss Krum in the mix.

She agrees to meet Krum in Diagon Alley.  Yeah. I’m sure this’ll shake out fine.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away at Magid school, Draco wakes up in the night again, this time because a demon has broken into his and Harry’s dormitory looking for the sword.

Weird Canon Divergence #2: despite JKR’s efforts to keep the afterlife vague and mysterious, Cassie whacks a Christian Hell into Draco Sinister a la Buffy the Vampire Slayer, complete with fire and brimstone.  O … OK?

Harry and Draco banter with the demon for a while, but since Lupin currently has the sword they can’t exactly hand it over (and Draco doesn’t want to because, you know, Draco Malfoy). Eventually the demon decides fuck it, and tells Draco to keep the damn sword because it’s cursed as all get out anyway, and promptly disappears.  Lupin works out the sword is a Living Blade, meaning it has a mind of its own and that mind is kitten-murdering  evil, and Harry’s like, ‘Mate I told you that sword was cursed as all get out,’ and Draco’s like, ‘Shut up I still want it.’

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away at Diagon Alley, Hermione promptly loses both Ron and Ginny and talks to Victor Krum alone.  Because of course.  When she comes back, she says screw Harry, she’s madly in love with Krum now and is going to run away with him to Bulgaria.

Well that didn’t take long.

Back at Magid school, Harry receives a letter from Hermione informing him of her newest true love, at which he has a full on meltdown, smashing everything in the vicinity with his Magid powers until Draco yells, ‘Oh hell nah, we did not go through all this love triangle bullshit for Hermione to run off with Krum, something is up,’ and slaps some sense into Harry, a scene which essentially ends in Lupin running in screaming, ‘WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MOTHERFUCKERS?’

And I wish that was the last My Immortal comparison I’d find in this fic.

They get Fleur Delacour to seduce Lupin out of his office (I threw up in my mouth a little), before breaking in so Draco can nab his cursed sword back. Lupin’s locked it in an unbreakable case, but Draco deliberately pisses Harry off until his Magid rage comes back and smashes the case open.  This is the first of several times they use enraged Harry to break shit, a trope I will henceforth refer to as Incredible Hulk Harry.

Harry and Draco team up with Ron and Ginny, and march up to Krum’s hotel room in London.  But Krum’s like, ‘Oh, Hermy-ninny?  I haffn’t seen her, but then I don’t remember literally any of yesterday except someone yelling “Imperio” at me.’

Luckily for the gang, Draco gave Hermione his epicyclical charm—that ugly ass necklace Lucius had in Draco Dormiens that contained Draco’s life force or whatever.  So Draco can use that like a homing beacon to find Hermione.  Also Harry has another mini meltdown because he’s so glad Hermione does love him after all

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away Hermione wakes up locked in a tower.  Wormtail walks in and she’s like, ‘Aha, I should’ve known this was Voldemort’s doing!’ but Wormtail goes, ‘Nah, I got a bitchin’ new master now, check it out,’ and in walks motherfucking Salazar Slytherin.

Hermione understandably freaks the fuck out, not least because apparently Slytherin thought it’d be fashionable to get the Dark Mark tattooed on BOTH HIS CHEEKS.  Yeah.  Like Star Butterfly’s lil’ hearts.

He tells Hermione the Dark Mark was actually totes his idea, and Voldemort’s basically just a DeviantArt thief. Then he shows Hermione a tapestry of the Hogwarts founders, who look suspiciously like Hermione (Ravenclaw), Harry (Gryffindor), Ginny (Hufflepuff) and Draco (Slytherin).

The fic continues to spiral wildly into insanity as Slytherin announces Hermione is the Heir of Rowena Ravenclaw, who he was in love with until she ditched him for Gryffindor. But that’s OK because Slytherin has a handy dandy love potion to force Hermione to love him 5ever!  Wormtail blindfolds Hermione and makes her chug the potion, and says she will fall in love with the first person she sees once the potion kicks in.  Like a baby duck!

Side note: why does everyone, including the villains, want to sleep with Hermione?

So at this point I’m side-eyeing the fic furiously, because I can sense incoming love triangles like cats can sense earthquakes.  Cast your bets who she falls in love with.  (No, it’s not Wormtail.)

Halfway to Hermione (a great band name), Harry and co. are attached by dementors.  Draco falls off his broom and breaks his leg, so while Ron and Ginny look for help, Harry teaches Draco the patronus charm.

Draco’s patronus is a dragon. Because of course it is.

Ron and Ginny happen to find Charlie Weasley, who happens to be in England and not Romania and happens to have a hoard of dragons with him and happens to have plenty of healers to fix Draco’s leg.  Of course! He patches them up, shows them his dragons (not a euphemism) and lets them nance on to save Hermione.

Except Ginny.

Ginny’s not allowed to go.

Weird Canon Divergence #3: Ginny’s characterisation.  Hindsight is 20/20 when you’ve read Order of the Phoenix, and I know the Draco Trilogy started before that.  But still, reading Ginny Weasley, the quidditch champion, queen of bat bogey hexes, tomboy badass as a ‘girl’s girl more interested in boys and make up’ /stroppy teenager from hell is just … wrong.  She acts, and is treated, much younger than the other characters, despite the pretty minimal age gap.  I had 15 year-old friends when I was 16.  The maturity level was not that different.

ANYWAY.  Harry, Ron and Draco march up to this old castle in the woods, but it’s all locked up and guarded, so Draco’s like, ‘Well everyone pretty much still thinks I’m a Death Eater anyway, so why don’t I go in and let you in after?’  And Harry says, ‘Good idea,’ and Ron says, ‘Actually I’m also still 90% convinced you’re a Death Eater,’ but Draco goes in regardless.

He runs into a bunch of veelas, who fawn hilariously over him and reveal Weird Canon Divergence #4: veelas in the Draco Trilogy are straight-up bonafide dark creatures, who seduce men and then fucking eat them.  Like a praying mantis.

Why not?

The veela tell Draco he’s defo got some veela heritage in him, before waltzing off, presumably to seduce and eat some men who aren’t related to them.  Draco decides fuck Harry and Ron, and goes off to rescue Hermione on his own.

Hermione, also currently trying to escape, has a moment of mind-numbing stupidity and takes her blindfold off—and of course, sees Draco Malfoy.

It could’ve been Wormtail, Hermione.

He was in that castle.

WHY WOULD YOU TAKE THE BLINDFOLD OFF?

Hermione’s nearly as devastated as I am to discover the plot triangle Cassie killed at the end of Draco Dormiens has risen from its grave, and begs Draco not to tell Harry about the love potion.  Because, you know, honesty isn’t that important in a relationship.

Weird Canon Divergence #4: love potions are illegal in the Draco Trilogy.  I actually approve of this, because it’s always kind of boggled my mind how literal mind-control date rape drugs are A-OK in JKR’s world.  Good job, Cassie, I guess?

Draco and Hermione leg it out the castle, but Slytherin blocks their way.  He’s surprisingly chill, though, considering his whole love potion plan is now utterly fucked—he essentially pats Draco on the head and says, ‘Go get ‘em champ,’ before letting them out the door.

Suspicious as hell, but whatever.

Hermione sees Harry outside and flies into his arms, because apparently the love potion hasn’t cancelled out her love for Harry.  Because otherwise the love triangle couldn’t continue!  Then they all toddle back to Charlie’s dragon camp, and THEN.

Draco.

In leather pants.

YES IT HAPPENS.

(For those who don’t know, Draco in Leather Pants is a trope coined specifically from this fic, referring to bad boy characters who are really good at heart, but struggling with an inner turmoil because they might be kinda evil.  Like Spike from Buffy. Except Spike was well written.)

Anyway, Ginny sees Draco in leather pants, and her ovaries basically leap into her throat and throttle her.  She tells Hermione she fancies Draco now, and not ten minutes later she catches Hermione and Draco snogging the shit out of each other.  Because love triangles.  Painful, painful love triangles.

Ginny’s mad as hell, but for some reason also agrees not to tell Harry about the love potion, and they all jet back to Malfoy Manor, aka Sirius and Narcissa’s house.  Because yes, in case you forgot, Sirius/Narcissa is a thing in this fic.  And they are engaged.  Making Harry and Draco soon to be brothers.  Sort of.

Hermione hits the books looking for love potion cures and they send a letter to Snape asking for help, figuring Snape will at least help Draco if not the rest of them.  Meanwhile, Draco visits Daddy Dearest in prison, who tells him being good is dumb, Malfoys are always evil, and Draco is destined to murder the shit out of Harry and become either Slytherin or Voldemort’s minion. Then, shortly after Draco leaves, Lucius summons demons in his cell and accidentally blows himself the fuck up.

Good job, Lucius.

All the love potion research comes up nil, and they find the only way to end it is for either Draco or Hermione to die.  Then Harry finds out about the love potion after all and has another Incredible Hulk meltdown.

Draco, who by now is living through Draco Malfoy and the Terrible, Horrible, Very Bad, No Good Day, takes the epicyclical charm/ugly ass necklace off Hermione, kisses her, probably insults her, and shoots away on his Firebolt. Not his Nimbus 2001, because apparently Cassie forgot what broom Draco has.

I won’t lie, a good chunk of the middle of this fic is a blur, but it involves:

Sirius and Lupin having 10x the chemistry of Sirius and Narcissa

Slytherin’s Evil McNasty sword trying to make Draco kill Harry, and also refusing to be thrown away like goddamn Three Wolf Moon

Ginny exploring a quarry underneath the Burrow and finding Fred and George’s porn stash

Draco getting a will-strengthening potion off Snape so he can fight the temptation to murder Harry, and discovering Snape’s heart-print pyjamas and beautiful singing voice

Draco making out with Fleur, because why not?

Sirius, Lupin and Snape going to St Mungo’s because a ~mysterious dark wizard~ killed Cornelius Fudge and put Dumbledore in a coma

Neville giving Draco a concussion

Harry and Hermione doing lots of kissing and not much else

An illustration of Snape and Malfoy in which Snape has a fucking evil goatee

Arthur fucking Weasley is announced as the new Minister of Magic

Draco appearing at the Burrow to apologise for being a dickweasel to Ginny, and then making out with her as well

Harry appears outside the Burrow to try and talk sense into Draco, but Draco’s will strengthening potion runs out and he stabs Harry in the chest.  Luckily, Harry isn’t really Harry, but a magic projection thing, and the real Harry is chilling in bed back at Malfoy Manor courtesy of some spell I can’t remember well enough to explain.

Regardless, Wormtail chooses this moment to pop up and … Christ on a bike, Wormtail is without doubt the single worst written character in this entire godforsaken fanfic.

See what I mean?  It sounds NOTHING LIKE Wormtail.  Although I’ve never seen that dialogue before, my suspicion is it’s nicked from something else.  When I said I read Draco Dormiens with constant paranoia, this is what I meant.  Some dialogue’s out of character, or the style changes for a few paragraphs, and the alarm bells just won’t stop ringing.

Wormtail demands Draco come and work for Slytherin, and Draco refuses, so Wormtail reveals his shiny new arm-sword and they have a scrap, until Wormtail pushes Draco in the river and drowns him.

Wormtail vanishes, and Draco gets to have a fun time in Purgatory nattering with Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, and also Harry’s parents, while Ron and Ginny drag Draco out the river. Harry makes Ron perform mouth-to-mouth on Draco because boys kissing is hil-arious!

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away at Malfoy Manor, Hermione knows instantly that Draco’s died because she feels the love potion break.  She panics and runs for Sirius, but finds him a wee bit occupied with Lupin, who’s turned into a werewolf because Slytherin is Calling all the dark creatures to come join him.  Luckily, Hermione found this funky silver necklace, which turns out to be a lycanthe, which repels werewolves, and also does whatever other plot-helpful Cassie needs for a given chapter.

They lock up Lupin safely, and also manage to lock up the demon that attacked Draco right at the beginning of the fic in the cell right next to him.  So you know.  He’ll have a friend.

Harry wakes up and tells Hermione to chill, because Draco is alive thanks to Ron’s CPR, and they zip to the Burrow together to celebrate with Jesus!Draco. Then we get Moment I Unironically Enjoyed #1: Ron offering to teach Draco to play chess.  D’aww.

We get some flashbacks via Draco and Hermione’s dreams, and learn that Slytherin got all his power from Hell, and also his bitchin’ ass sword, which he was meant to give back but has somehow wangled his way out of it until now (thus the pissed-off demon in the Malfoy Manor basement).  Also he created werewolves, veelas, basilisks and a shit tonne of other dark creatures, which he refers to as ‘experiments’ like a mad scientist.  Hermione reads a bunch of books about Slytherin and tries to tell Harry and Ron about this magic orb Slytherin has that either unleashes all his powers or kills him or probably both, but they’re like, ‘Yawn, boring,’ because of course they wouldn’t be interested in information about the villain they are supposed to be fighting against in this fic GDI.

Anywhoo, the group all chill out until Salazar Slytherin kicks in the door, like ‘GRANDMA, IT’S ME, ANASTASIA’ and kidnaps Harry and Draco, leaving the others behind because meh.

At this point, I’d like to take a brief break from the plot to address a question I kept asking myself throughout the entire fic:

What the fuck is Voldemort doing all this time?

He’s nowhere.  Wormtail makes vague assertions he might be dead, but Slytherin later says he’s alive. Voldemort’s return in canon is the turning point of Harry Potter.  It changes everything.  Hogwarts isn’t safe anymore.  The children have to grow up.  Characters die.  But in the Draco Sinister, Voldemort’s fobbed off like he’s unimportant or uninteresting.  Characters keep crying ‘Slytherin is far worse than Voldemort!’, which might make sense if Cassie had killed off Voldemort in Draco Dormiens, and needed a bigger, badder villain for the sequel.  But she didn’t.  Voldemort is still out there.  Twiddling his thumbs.  Knitting jumpers for Nagini ,for all we know.

OK.  OK, back to the fic.

So, Narcissa has a natter with the demon in the basement, who reveals that yep, the demons want the sword back from Slytherin, but Slytherin has to return it by his own hand. Otherwise, the demons will have to take a descendant of Slytherin blood has repayment.  Handily, it turns out Harry and Draco both have Slytherin heritage, so now Slytherin has a choice. Good for him.

Hermione’s lycanthe activates GPS mode, and takes them into the quarry underneath the Burrow, where Ginny says she had another older brother who drowned.  Seems like a weird, shoe-horned in detail now, and that’s because it kind of is.  After some puzzles, they discover a time turner that used to belong to Hufflepuff. Since Ginny is the reincarnation of Hufflepuff or whatever, she gets the time turner.

You may be wondering why the boys get swords and the girls get necklaces.  And I’m sure Cassie Claire has a good explanation for that.

But I don’t.

So, Harry and Draco wake up locked in a big adamantine cell.  Adamantine is basically Cassie’s Magid kryptonite, meaning they’re basically stuffed. They argue for a bit about whether Draco is gay, ending in Draco giving Harry hair care tips because this fic is weird, and then for the lols, Draco decides to teach Harry how to fence.

Now, I’m not an expert on sword fighting.  I know a bit.  But one thing I know for sure?

You cannot fence with swords made in the Dark Ages.

Fencing foils are lightweight, thin and poky, made for stabbing your enemy so full of holes he bleeds to death. Swords in the Dark Ages were whacking great bludgeons with sharp edges, made for separating limbs from bodies. They were heavy bastards; they were not made for lunging and poking and riposte-ing.

You cannot fence.  With a sodding broadsword.

While Harry and Draco are having their ridiculous and physically impossible sword fight, the cell door opens and Fleur Delacour walks in like, ‘I’m here to rescue you, bitches!’  Harry doesn’t trust her because she’s ‘boy crazy’ (a trait of every female character in this fic, so hardly a reason for distrust) but regardless they follow her outside.

She leads them through the famously plagiarised nightmare grass scene, and then underground to a locked door. Draco gets Harry to Incredible Hulk the door open by informing him his dead parents are stuck in Purgatory, after which Fleur betrays them and leaves them to get eaten by a manticore.

Harry and Draco kill the manticore, getting Harry utterly soaked in manticore blood in the process.  Like, ‘took a bath in blood’ kind of soaked. Slytherin shows up, and in Moment I Unironically Enjoyed #2, Harry yells, ‘We killed your monster and we’re not sorry!’ and Slytherin says, ‘Well, duh, that’s what I wanted you to do.’

Slytherin sends Harry back to the dungeons but keeps Draco to be his evil minion, then hacks open the manticore and pulls his magic orb out of its stomach (um … you might wanna wash that off, bud).  But now he needs all the Hogwarts founders’ Heirs to touch the orb so he can get his power back.  Or die? The fic never seemed decided on whether opening the orb was a good thing or a bad thing.  Both sides seemed to want it to happen, and also to not happen.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Ron, Hermione and Ginny use the time turner to go to the Dark Ages, during the original war with Slytherin.  They meet wee Ben Gryffindor, Godric’s twelve-year-old son, and Rowena Ravenclaw, who is dying.  Rowena initially refuses to speak to Ron because he’s not an Heir, at which point I started screeching incomprehensibly, because that’s not how heirs work.  If anything, Bill should be Hufflepuff’s heir.  Definitely not Ginny, the youngest sibling.

But no, Heir is Cassie Claire’s dumb way of saying “reincarnation”, and eventually Ravenclaw lets Ron in anyway and tells him that, as a seventh son, he’s totes psychic.

If you just counted the Weasley brothers on your fingers, don’t worry, I did the same.  I also got to six, got annoyed, and then remembered that extra brother Cassie shoehorned in who drowned.  I guess you got me, Cassie.  Bravo.

Wee Ben Gryffindor takes the gang to Slytherin’s castle, and lets them in the adamantine cell.  Ginny uses the time turner to take them back to the future …

… Where Slytherin is having a whale of a time psychologically torturing Draco.  He has his own Mirror of Erised dealie, which shows you ‘who you truly are’.  Draco sees his whole ancestral line of unapologetic dickfucks and realises he can never be truly Good™.  Slytherin also gives Draco the Dark Mark, because FASHION, then sticks him in a room with Fleur Delacour and tells them to get it on, because apparently he invented veela for the sole purpose of procreation and I just threw up in my mouth again.

Draco and Fleur do not get it on. Draco does what any sensible person would do in this situation: orders cocktails and gets thoroughly shitfaced.

See the thing is, Draco’s whole tortured evil/good dilemma would be a lot more compelling in this fic if he actually had to overcome something besides teenage angst bullshit. The fic separates everything into pure Good and Evil, states that Harry and Hermione are just naturally good, and the Malfoy family are just naturally bad, and that’s it. But that’s not how morality works.  

Real people have good traits and bad traits, and in fiction, overcoming those bad traits is how redemption arcs happen.  For Draco’s redemption to be rewarding, we need to see him overcome a character flaw. But he doesn’t.  He just Decides To Be Good.

SIGH.

So Hermione, Ginny and Ron pop into the future, and find Harry sitting in the adamantine cell alone. And Harry’s like, ‘I guess Draco’s evil now?’ and they’re like, ‘I doubt it, this fic is literally named after him,’ but then the door opens and Hermione, Ron and Ginny all have to huddle under the invisibility cloak.

Draco comes in with Slytherin, gloats evilly for a bit, cuts Harry’s arm probably by accident, and nances off again.  Ron and Hermione run out to free Harry, and realise Ginny’s missing because she ran after Draco.

Oh.  BOY.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Sirius gets a will-strengthening potion off Snape to cure his lover Lupin’s permanent-werewolf-ness, then they visit Godric’s Hollow to get Harry a magic scabbard that also used to belong to Godric Gryffindor.  Happy Christmas, Harry.  No more chopping your belt off every time you try to sheathe your sword.

(And yes, swords do basically replace wands in this fic.  Magids can do wandless magic anyway.  IDK. Cassie Claire just really hates wands, apparently.)

Sirius and Lupin break into Slytherin’s castle with a scene ripped from Buffy, and are swiftly separated as Lupin is shut in with the other werewolves, and Sirius, claiming to be a vampire, is dragged off to meet the new general of Slytherin’s armies.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Draco, still pissed as a parrot, is chilling in his room when Ginny marches in.  Then, in Moment I Unironically Enjoyed #3, Ginny proceeds to rip the sweet shit out of Draco Malfoy’s emo ass, because if he wants to be Good™, he can start by being less of a pussy and fixing his shit.

Draco kisses Ginny, and the whole thing is thoroughly ruined when Fleur reminds them she’s still in the room. Ginny assumes Draco is sleeping with Fleur (and pretty much anything on two legs); Draco does nothing to help this assumption; and Ginny magically sobers him up as revenge.

At this point, Draco’s called away to deal with some other shit, so Ginny talks to Fleur and finds out she’s not evil either, she’s just protecting her sister, blah blah blah. Fleur also gabbles more about how SUPER SCARY Slytherin is, like he made a whole army disappear once, and he can control his minion’s minds, and Ginny’s like ‘OK cool bye’ and uses her time turner to GTFO.

The other shit Draco has to deal with turns out to be Sirius, because Draco is apparently now head of Slytherin’s armies.  For convoluted reasons, Draco has Sirius locked in the dungeon.  For his own protection.  Or something.

Then Draco runs off to rescue Harry with Hermione and Ron, but Slytherin catches them.  He locks up Draco with Harry in the adamantine cell, and sends Hermione and Ron to the dungeons with Sirius.  Lucky for them, Sirius has his magic pencils, which they get to work using to draw a door back to the adamantine cell.  (Ron can draw in this fic.  Ron the Psychic Artist, still better than Ron the Death Eater.)

In the adamantine cell, Slytherin makes Draco run Harry through with his sword, but it’s OK because manticore blood apparently makes you temporarily immortal, and Harry got drenched in it.  Cassie actually points out that this is in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, which is great and all, but good writing would have still involved actually foreshadowing that shit in the fanfic.  Then bunch of demons pop up to explain the whole contract with Hell Slytherin’s got going on, and to remind them they really, really need to get Slytherin to give that sword back by his own hand, or Hell will take one of them instead.  Just to remind you.  No pressure.  The demons vanish as Hermione, Sirius and Ron get inside the room.

This is another part of the fic that I don’t 100% remember because there’s a lot of Scooby Doo style running about and getting separated and getting unseparated again, but it includes Sirius running to save his one true love Lupin and finding Fleur as well, Harry and Hermione winding up in an underground cavern with a bunch of merveela (yes, mermaid-veela) and Draco and Ron getting chased by dementors.

In the distant past, Ginny meets grown-up Ben Gryffindor, and convinces him to let her pinch his army and send them to the future.  It turns out Slytherin didn’t make the army disappear—Ginny did.

So Cassie Claire understands how time turners work better than the people who wrote Cursed Child.  Go figure.

Ginny pops into the future with her army, and in Moment I Unironically Enjoyed #4, rides in on a FUCKING DRAGON to rescue Ron and Draco from the dementors.

Sirius gets Lupin and the other werewolves out safe, who turn out to be … pretty adorable?  They all just want to bake cakes and make bunting. Lupin stops them all going haywire by giving them Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans spiked with his will-strengthening potion, so they basically all wander off and make a drum circle somewhere for the rest of the fic.  I don’t know.

Ron’s injured and thus out for the count, but Ginny and Draco charge back in the castle to rescue Harry and Hermione.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Harry and Hermione find Slytherin’s orb and try to open it, because … ???

Well, the orb doesn’t open because they’re still missing the Hufflepuff and Slytherin Heirs, but Slytherin himself appears and promptly captures Harry and Hermione until Draco and Ginny show up, and also try to open the orb.

That’s all four Heirs, so Slytherin now becomes Super Saiyan Slytherin, laughs maniacally, and mind-controls Draco to toss Harry over to the demons.  Draco has one last moment of pure emo dipshittery, until Harry, Hermione and Ginny collectively yell at him to get his shit together.

Draco chops off Slytherin’s hand, wraps his fingers around the sword, and tosses that at the demons. This would be a clever twist on the whole ‘give it back with his own hand’, except I read Avocado’s exposé and I know it’s stolen.

Oh well.

The demons take the sword, and for good measure also take Slytherin to Hell.  Draco passes the fuck out while the castle collapses like Ganondorf’s dungeon at the end of Ocarina of Time, but they all escape ready to live happily ever after.

At this point, I looked warily at the word count.

Draco Dormiens wasted half a fic on sodding love triangles long after the plot was over.  Draco Sinister is way longer, and I was honestly dreading slogging through the miles of shipping at the end of this fic.

But actually, Cassie was merciful. The end of the fic is one chapter, featuring Harry’s birthday, for which Sirius basically throws together a freaking Gatsby Party.  I guess he realised he had access to the Malfoy vault all of a sudden.  For some reason I cannot fathom, Snape is invited to this party.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t end with him getting shot in the swimming pool.

Harry and Hermione smooch. Ron makes out with a veela … which … not a great idea, considering they’re still literal man-eaters, but whatever I guess.  Draco and Ginny do some romance, but it’s interrupted.

By Enoby Raven Dark’ness Dementia Way.

I’m not kidding.

Well I kind of am.

But not really.

She’s pale, and black-haired, and wearing a corset, and she introduces herself as Draco’s cousin, Rhysenn Malfoy.  And immediately invites him to stick his hand down her top.

She gives Draco Lucius’s signet ring, and also a message from Lucius, which essentially reads, ‘Not dead, ur lame.  Thnx 4 killing slytherin tho, voldy sends love and kisses.’

Because apparently Voldemort has finished knitting Nagini’s sodding jumper.

Draco runs into Dumbledore, now recovered from his coma, who tells him not to worry about Voldemort, because that’s Harry’s job.  He also says Draco did a good job resisting Slytherin’s mind-control because of love. I suspect Dumbledore whips this explanation out for anything he doesn’t know the answer to.  What happened to Amelia Earhart?  Love.  What’s with the Bermuda Triangle?  Love. What’s the answer to life, the universe and everything?  IDK, probably love.  Or 42.

Dumbledore also says Slytherin lied about that magic mirror—it actually shows your greatest fears, not your true self.  So Draco totes has every chance to be Good™ after all.

Draco heads back to the party, and he and Harry agree to be frenemies next year, and … that’s the end of the fic.

 --

 When I read Draco Dormiens, I couldn’t understand how Cassie Claire became a BNF.  Draco Dormiens was bad.  Bad characters, bad plot, bad writing, bad, bad, bad.

The first half of Draco Sinister is bad.  Dredging the Harry/Hermione/Draco love triangle back up with a love potion is dumb.  Voldemort just pissing off doing nothing for the whole fic is dumb.  Every line of dialogue given to Wormtail is dumb.  The dozens upon dozens of lines lifted from Blackadder, Red Dwarf and various other sources, regardless of whether they’re in-character or suit the mood or the scene or the setting, are infuriatingly dumb.

But about halfway through the fic, it’s like Cassie got her act together.

I don’t know if this is because halfway through the fic, Cassie was banned from FFN for plagiarism.  I don’t know—she still uses quotes all the way through, but possibly doesn’t lean so heavily on them.  Maybe it’s because she realised an actual plot was more interesting than constant angst romance.  But for whatever reason, it got better.

And I want to read Draco Veritas now.  Not just to look at a trainwreck, but because I’m kind of invested. But when I do, I will spork the hell out of it.

[robotsandramblings]

“92 truths tag meme” - I should be going to bed but this sounded funner :P

tagged by the lovely @shavothehusky ^_^

Rules: Write 92 truths about yourself then tag 25 people

LAST… [1] drink: milk [2] phone call: shit idk lol [3] text message: brother [4] song you listened to: p sure something from the Voltron S1 soundtrack lol [5] time you cried: laughing at some vine compliation last night

HAVE YOU EVER… [6] dated someone twice: nope [7] been cheated on: nope [8] kissed someone and regretted it: not rly [9] lost someone special: yes [10] been depressed: no [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: i have a few horror stories lol

con’t...

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS: [12] orange [13] green [14] blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: a few yeah, mostly work or here [16] fallen out of love: not rly [17] laughed until you cried: all the time lol [18] found out someone was talking about you: yeah some idiot at work overreacted over a situation, long story short it was her fault but she was trying to make me look like a bad guy, thankfully she doesn’t work there anymore lmao [19] met someone who changed you: kinda? I moved in with a friend/coworker and like she didn’t change me as a person persay but she’s the best roomie i’ve ever had and i do feel different bc i’m finally happy with my living situation y’know [20] found out who your true friends are: lmfao yeah i’d say that. like when i went on a special trip with 2 former roommates and after we got back, one of them changed her profile pic to NOT a picture of the 3 of us, but just her & the other girl?? like wow ok thanks for the slap in the face... [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: nope

GENERAL… [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: i know all of them, isn’t that the point?... i don’t add randos or strangers?? [23] do you have any pets: my roomie has 2 cats whom i call my stepsons lol [24] do you want to change your name: no i like my name actually :) [25] what did you do for your last birthday: i honestly don’t even remember, it was that uneventful lol. i think i just visited my famjam and chilled [26] what time did you wake up: 11:30am huehue [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: laying in bed listening to music [28] name something you cannot wait for: movies!! Avengers Infinity War, Black Panther, Wonder Woman... and Voltron S3 !! [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: idk 2-3 weeks ago? [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: my job. it sucks the happiness outta me. i hate so much about it now. i jsut want a steady job with good hours and pay that i don’t hate :))) [31] what are you listening to right now: nothing, surprisingly. i almost always have music playing... [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes [33] something that is getting on your nerves: p much everything lmao. short temper queen over here [34] most visited website: tumblr, pinterest, facebook, recently marvel unlimited [35] elementary: yes i went to elementary school. i even passed. [36] high school: yes i went to high school. i even passed. [37] college/university: waste of my time and money since i no longer care about my degree or its related field lmao lmao :))))))))))) [38] hair color: brown [39] long or short hair: in between right now. growing it out again. [40] do you have a crush on someone: asdfghjkl Shiro, Bucky... andmaybeLancebutisthatweirdtosayshitidk [41] what do you like about yourself: i'm very independent and i’m 100% fine with being alone and keeping myself occupied [42] piercings: just mah ears [43] blood type: lmao idk A+ i think [44] nickname: rora [45] relationship status: single [46] zodiac sign: aries [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fave tv show: Voltron, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, TFP, TFA, i used to loooove Criminal Minds, and i’m pretty hooked on Riverdale rn [49] tattoos: noooo i hate needles lol [50] right or left handed: right, but sometimes i think i border on ambidextrous?

FIRST… [51] surgery: never had any, knock on wood... [52] piercing: it took me like 15 years to get my ears pierced no lie lol [53] best friend: had one from kindergarden (age 4) right through high school, and then she just... stopped talking to me when we both went away to university. thanks gurl [54] sport: swimming lessons! and stuck with it for a good 13 years. also did soccer for a long time [55] vacation: first major vacation that didn’t center around our annual camping trip was probably to Western Canada - Alberta and BC. [56] pair of trainers: wut

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: i just had a spoonful of peanut butter and choc chips bc i fuckin can and i don’t have any reese’s cups lmao [58] drinking: milk [59] i’m about to: go to bed [60] listening to: still nothing lol [61] waiting for: my ass to finish this questionnaire lol [62] want: to get my ass to bed lmao [63] get married: only if Shiro or Bucky are gunna pop outta my screen and into real life lmao [64] career: workin at a large booktore (it’s not as glamourous and wonderful as you’d think...)

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: hugs! [66] lips or eyes: EYES [67] shorter or taller: taller [68] older or younger: older (for a romantic partner, and even for friends, a lot of my friends end up being older than me lol) [70] nice arms or nice stomach: arms, baby [71] sensitive or loud: not a fan of loud ppl tbh... [72] hook up or relationship: w/e [73] troublemaker or hesitant: probably hesitant for me lol

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger: nope [75] drank hard liquor: oooh yes [76] lost glasses/contact lenses: i don’t have them [77] turned someone down: not rly [78] sex on first date: nope [79] broken someone’s heart: don’t think so? [80] had your own heart broken: only pining after unattainables lol [81] been arrested: nope [82] cried when someone died: yes of course. and guess what , if it’s someone close, you cry more often after they’re gone too. thanks eyeballs [83] fallen for a friend: maybe once?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself: depends on the day lmao [85] miracles: sometimes yes [86] love at first sight: yes [87] Santa Claus: YES FITE ME (i legit wish he was real) [88] kissing on the first date: yes [89] angels: yes and no? i guess i like to believe that some ppl i’ve lost are “watching over me” in some way, even though i’m p much atheist...

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: Sam aka idontshootthemessenger <3 and some girls from childhood or work but you don’t need to know thier names [91] eye color: brown [92] favorite movie: omg so many... Transformers (1 & 3), Captain America 2 & 3, Avengers, Saving Private Ryan, Lord of the Rings

i can finally go to bed lmao :P

[daleisgreat]

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Season Three

-Welcome to the continuing chronicles of my seasonal recaps of Star Trek: The Next Generation (TNG). Today I am highlighting season three of the BluRay set (trailer), and from what I have gathered from countless interviews it is the breakthrough season with a strong majority of good-to-great episodes and where this Enterprise’s cast was embraced and accepted by Trekkies around the globe. To catch up on entries on my first two seasons, click here! I wish I can crank these out faster than every five months that I have been averaging, but I have settled into a weekly routine where after I finish the last shift of my 60-hour work week I kick back and relax with a cup of rich gas station hot cocoa and a few savory turkey sausage links while watching the next episode of TNG and it is, no lie, one of the favorite parts of my week! -I once again want to get things started with addressing some new cast changes/removals and other new constants that start to become apparent with this season. The most noticeable change is the return of Dr. Crusher (Gates McFadden) and the removal of Dr. Pulaski (Diana Muldaur). Crusher explains she is back from her assignment at teaching recruits at Starfleet and other than one or two quick references of Pulaski this season, she is not seen at all in season three. Q (John deLancie) returns for his annual hijinx in ‘DeJa Q’ in a fun episode that sees his powers stripped away and begging for acceptance by taking any spot on board the Enterprise. Whoopi Goldberg returns as the all-knowing, mystical bartender ‘Guinan’ in a handful of episodes. Whoopie shines in this role that is perfect for her and I absolutely adore the few times we are treated to her this season and she plays a pivotal role in some of the most iconic episodes of the series this season.

There are now established constants by the third season of TNG that may have appeared once or twice before, but are now more frequent or a new standard all together. The third season debuted the new uniforms for the cast and replaced the one-piece spandex-based costumes the cast detested in interviews over the years with more comfortable looking fleece/sweater-esque two-piece outfits for the rest of the series. They are an obvious improvement and still retain the spirit of the originals, but look more professional and less ‘gymnastic-y’ than the previous uniforms. The poker game makes its return for a handful of episodes this season, and I always enjoy the levity and relaxed beats whenever a friendly round of cards transpires. Captain Picard (Patrick Stewart) is now a regular tea drinker in season three after dabbling with coffee last season. I wrote in all caps in my notes ‘FIRST RED ALERT SOUND EFFECT’ early on in season three, and it remained a constant every few episodes as the Enterprise more semi-regularly started to engage in brief dogfight skirmishes and engagements throughout the season. It was not every episode, maybe seven or eight at most, but it was starting to transition into becoming the new normal I originally associated TNG with from the episodes I caught in my childhood. I paused the episode and took a picture with my phone and included it here that I believe saw our first cliché ‘red-shirt death’ this season. To my surprise, it was the only one I noticed in season three and I am fully expecting to see more gratuitous over-ambitious non-credited red-shirts meet their early demise next season! Finally, I was delighted to see Dr. Crusher return to her being awful at her profession. She once again did not succeed to keep patients alive at the table this season and failed at her attempt at the ‘Pulaski Method’ of trying to erase memories. I did however very much enjoy her bitch-slapping Wesley (Wil Wheaton).

-Speaking of Wesley, he got a step up in duties and rank this season which felt well-earned and I found myself accepting him as one of the regular mainstays in the cast which is coming a long way from how grating he was in the first season. Another first season character I had issues with was Counselor Troi (Marina Sirtis). Other than two or three episodes this season where she is the focus of the primary narrative, her role is dialed back mysteriously more than it was in season two with her having only a line or two an episode. It does not help that Troi’s featured episodes are the rare clunker episodes this season that sees the yearly visit from her eccentric mother that winds up with them both being kidnapped and Troi falling for a guest negotiator that yields one of the most bizarre scenes of the series. The only other qualm I had with this season were weaker Holo-deck scenes compared to season two. One crew-member uses it for his own exaggerated fantasies by hitting it off with Crusher and Trois and successfully dueling the guys and the other is more ridiculously exaggerated takes on recreating scenes that lead to William Riker (Jonathan Frakes) being accused of murder. If there is any redemption for those scenes it is because they fall into the ‘so-bad-its good’ variety.

-Last season I referenced how contemporary TNG-homage The Orville is filled with countless parallels and tributes to TNG scenes and episodes. I spotted another one in season three that saw how Picard accidentally violated the Prime Directive and exposed himself to an uncivilized world that was the impetus for that society worshiping Picard as a god. The exact same thing happens earlier this year in a season two episode of The Orville. To repeat myself again from last season’s recap, The Orville took a noticeable leap in quality in its second season and is a terrific modern take on TNG. Do not miss it! -The weak Troi episodes and subpar Holo-deck scenes are my only nitpicks for season three. All around this is easily the best season of TNG thus far. New recurring Enterprise crew member Reginald Barclay (Dwight Schultz) is introduced in a powerful episode that saw Geordi (LeVar Burton) overcoming his original annoyances with Barclay and connecting with him upon learning of Barclay’s Social Anxiety Disorder in a moving scene. In a fun lighthearted episode Picard is forced to go on vacation, and while on a resort stumbles into his own swashbuckling, Indiana Jones-esque adventure.

A couple other favorite episodes of mine this season saw Data kidnapped and turned into a collector’s showpiece. Watching it unfold and how the resolution came to be when Data outsmarted his captor was surprisingly gripping material in what looked like was going to be a yawn of an episode going in. ‘Yesterdays Enterprise has received a ton of critical acclaim as one of the best episodes in the series. It sees the Enterprise get exposed to a time-shift and crosses paths with an alternate universe Enterprise that causes the return of Tasha (Denise Crosby) and an ambitious performance by a young Shooter McGavin (Christopher McDonald). It is a darker episode as everything is not how it is suppose to be, and seeing the pair of Enterprises restore the proper timelines was an engaging ride the entire journey with a nonstop barrage of touching exchanges and movie-quality dogfights. I agree with the critics on that one with high marks for ‘Yesterday’s Enterprise’. I would be remiss if I were not to touch the other most talked episodes in TNG history with season three’s ‘Best of Both Worlds, part one.’ This season-finale sees the devastating return of the Borg and more is revealed of their nature and purpose when they kidnap and assimilate Picard to end this breakthrough season in one of TV’s most monumental cliffhangers. I can see why this episode got all the acclaim it did, especially when watching the bonus interviews afterwards when the writer wrote this episode without an ending in mind because he thought he was not coming back to the series. An obvious way to tell this two-part special of TNG is truly outstanding is because they were the only episodes in the entire run to receive their standalone physical release outside of all the other season sets.

-For newer readers to my TNG recaps, this is my obligatory paragraph giving props to the stunning work done by the HD transfer team for the BluRay to make TNG hold up far better in HD than anyone could have imagined. I also give regular season props here to the awesome hosts, Matt and Andrew of Star Trek: The Next Conversation podcast. Their detailed work at breaking down each episode scene-by-scene is informative and entertaining and helps me get the absolute most out of every episode! -Like last season there is a boatload of extra features (just over four hours worth!) and I will try to highlight a few of my favorites once again. Four episodic commentaries are available on three episodes, two of which for ‘Yesterday’s Enterprise’ that were fascinating to take in how much the writers and other crew reflect back the importance of that imperative episode. Past DVD bonuses return, along with a few new BluRay extras. A few separate extras detail how important ’Yesterday’s Enterprise’ and ‘Best of Both Worlds, part one’ are to TNG history and how Jonathan Frakes started breaking in directing episodes this season. There is another well-produced gag reel with the highlight being a young Wil Wheaton having quite a sailor’s mouth.

There are two standout extras of the pack. Resistance Is Futile: Assimilating Star Trek TNG is a three part, 90 minute look at the writing process for TNG and how the writer’s scripts were constantly shuffled about and how some were miraculously stumbled upon for some landmark episodes. It is a fascinate look into what it takes for a script to get green-lit into production. Inside the Writer’s Room is a stellar 70 minute discussion moderated by Seth McFarlane as he interviews several TNG writers about how they got brought on board the show and their best and worst memories working on TNG in a highly entertaining watch. Some key takeaways from that panel include dealing with Gene’s TNG utopia, not realizing the success of season three at the time and using a ‘Techno-Babble Generator’ given to them as a joke for future techno-babble dialogue in later episodes. I would not be surprised to see Seth take notes for ideas from this to use a couple years later when he started up The Orville. -If you cannot tell by now, season three of Star Trek: The Next Generation is where the show becomes must-see nearly every episode. They were well on their way in that direction by the end of season two, but season three was when they started gelling nearly the entire season. I would still give the nudge to start watching the show off with season two, but for the time-deprived season three will do you no wrong with a ridiculous amount of classic moments and episodes to consume! For those interested in physical media and not just quick-binging on Netflix I highly recommend the BluRays for a tremendous HD-upgrade in picture quality, and over four hours of bonus content with most of it being must-see in its own way too. -Thank you all once again for joining me in of re-watching all of TNG! See you in a few months with my recap for season four! Past TV/Web Series Blogs 2013-14 TV Season Recap 2014-15 TV Season Recap 2015-16 TV Season Recap 2016-17 TV Season Recap 2017-18 TV Season Recap 2018-19 TV Season Recap Adventures of Briscoe County Jr: The Complete Series Baseball: A Ken Burns series Angry Videogame Nerd Home Video Collections Mortal Kombat: Legacy - Season 1 | Season 2 OJ: Made in America: 30 for 30 RedvsBlue - Seasons 1-13 Roseanne – Seasons 1-9 Seinfeld Final Season Star Trek: Next Generation – Seasons 1-7 Superheroes: A Never-Ending Battle Superheroes: Pioneers of Television The Vietnam War: A Ken Burns series X-Men – The Animated Series: Volumes 4-5