#it’s rather tough atm and I’m both mentally and physically exhausted

[thekenobee]

“The Surgeon’s Mate” got me like pikachu meme

[helloitsghost]

So hi october is almost over and we’ll

Yeah…. Tktober was smth💀

I’m really sorry for the lack of just everything I want you all to know tho I really really did try my hardest to do it and get as much done but sometimes things happens and it’s just not possible

I don’t plan to drop all the prompts and majority will be posted periodically later hopefully but for lack of a better words I want to give a better explanation of what happened during October

Cw: negative shit/vent content below the cut it’s personal shit tbh dw this won’t be common I just feel like y’all deserve a right to know what’s been happening with me and why my events/posts are so late/sporadic

October/September was a really tough/awful time period for me

Starting off I got cut from the varsity volleyball team at my school and became a manager for the jv team instead. And while that was great fun and I enjoyed it. Nothing would hurt more than watching the varsity players do their thing and be awesome while sitting there knowing how I wasn’t good enough to make it. Along with that was some home life stuff about the possibilities of making my tryouts and I was always doubted that I’d make it, and even though I wanted to prove everyone wrong. Everyone who doubted me was right and I failed. And it felt like nobody truly believes in me and what I can do.

No matter what I did everyday I’d be reminded of how much of a failure I was watching volleyball and wondering what was even the point of me being there if nobody believed in me. And I struggled greatly with my confidence and self esteem.

So much that even though I love to joke about it I could never watch a varsity game without leaving to go cry midway. Today was the last game of the season so hopefully I can forget about it. But club season is coming up so who knows💀

And yes I know. It’s just a sport why are you so upset?

It’s more than just that. I love this sport with everything I’ve got and wouldve done anything to play for just 5 minutes. But it was more than playing. It was that no matter what I did I was nothing more than a failure and I’d never be enough. And nobody in my life believed in me and what I can do, and that there will always be doubt in my abilities, so what’s the point of being confident?

And top that with the previously mentioned stress and pressure I get at home with grades and sadly my body as well

And no matter how hard I try nothing seems to go right and everything feels like I’m stuck and a failure

I struggle deeply with anxiety and low self esteem and other shit I’d rather not get into

But all of this plus school work and just in general my own mental health issues and struggles

It made me lose confidence in my work and that it wouldn’t be good enough and I’ll never have art that’s good enough for anyone

And I’ve just been exhausted both physically and mentally where I just can’t bring myself to draw

Atm I’m finishing some work and I was working on a lokius drawing cause lol still love drawing

But yeah

That’s where I’ve been + an explanation for what’s been going on and why posts/plans are so often out of order and just wack

If you’ve gotten this far rkvjsnvn thank you for listening to what my random dumbass gots to say

My lokius drawing is nearly done so thas smth to look forward to but yeah

I wanted to be honest and let you all know what’s been going one lately especially with recent growth nearing 300 followers it’s just smth I felt I had to do💀

But yeah see y’all when I’m not so brain dead💀

Another stupid update

yo junior year be mad wack

I got stuff so tktober gonna be paused for a second

I’ll try to get 5 and 6 posted tmrw since it will be Friday but def not tonight I’ve gots loads of stuff :P Ight seeya