#it’s ok bc my mothers prayers have gotten me this far

[saetoru]

me writing smut at 1 am during ramadan like the whorish lil fool i am

[zombeamik]

OKAY LIVE REACTION TO RIKAS BACKSTORY DLC HERE WE GO

okay so spoilers again lol

okay so i thought when you played the scret ending 1? riaks backstory was free? e-e

HAHA NVM WAS JUST THE FIRST EPISODE time to go buy 330 hour glasses ANYWAYS

okay seriosuly thing for people who dont like Rika, for what she did. You should honestly play her backstory.. it really could clear some things up for you, and it may chnage your mind, just abit hopefully.

you shouldnt just say no to story, just because you don’t like her.

Of course, if you really dont want to read it fine, but it can probably really help.

Episode 1

this god lady sounds like Jaehee tbh SO CUTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE OH Mina is Rikas real name :3 How cute already liking this. WONT BE ABLE TO AFFORD THE RETS OF IT THOUGH

Mina/Rika, they really didnt deserve what happened to them.

HOLY FCUK I HONESTLY THOUGHT MIKA WAS FUCKING RIKA BUT IT WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND OKAY OR AM I GETTING TI MIXED UP?

okay gotta buy 330 hours glasses but THEN ILL CONTINUE MY REACTION

OKAY IM BACK TO REACT AND TO CRY OKAY COOL

the game didnt like me buying more hourglasses o it decided to messwith mu audio.

okay had to restart my phone THANKS ANOTHER SETBACK

Episode 2

okay so, i like Mika back here. BUT WHAT I SAW IN THE V ROUTE, thats not cool Mika. you were kinda okay? you were already a little manipulative to a three year old. “My little sister, should always have short hair” how about you shut up. Twins? All she ever wated was to be loved and not taken away from her “Twin”, Maybe thats why she cared so much for Saeran and Saeyoung before she ddi what she did. Mika no, no. You’re the one who put those awful things in Minas/Rikas mind ugh okay i go back to not liking her, that was very fast.

Okay grown up Rika/Mina, okay rika i like you when you arent doing ur creepy eyes. UGH honestly im so mad at Mika, honestly the fuck. CUTE PICTURES OF V AND RIKA YES okay i know, i like V and all but tbh they were cute together.

excuse me V you shouldve said THATS WHY I ADORE UR SUN BC THATS ALL SHE NEEDED TO HEAR, she didnt want to hear that you loved her because of her darkness.  She wnated someone to love her, or show her a tiny bit of warmth so she could find the light inside her. So, so far, Mika is the one who introducded her to this “darkness” SO UNLESS RIKAS BACKSTORY CAN GIVE ME A REASON TO NOT DISLIKE MIKA AND FORGIVE HER I WILL GLADLY TAKE IT.

Episode 3

THATS THE FIRST THING I OPEN UP TO? 

UR SO CREEPY, WHY DID GOD SEND YOU? THE FUCK WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE ADOPTIVE PARENTS ARE YOU

sorry what?

Mina, Serena

Im glad she went with Rika, I like Mina, but Rika ive gotten used to it. Maybe she’ll go back to Mina one day?

Oh. Okay i dont like Rika/Mina/Serena’s Mother. and the pastor, no wonder she started a cult, i mena look at his outfit. WHAT KIND OF SHITTY PASTOR ARE YOU

NO WONDER SHE STARTED A FUCKING CULT, YOU ARE ALL DOUCHEBAGSSSSSSSS

“NEEDS ALOT OF PRAYERS” how about you shut up, man,  Pastor my fucking ass, Devil worshipper is more fucking likely.

excuse me pastor, your voice in my ears IS FUCKING CREEPY DO YOU MIND

UR LIKE A PERVERT

“ your body has grown, is it satan?” HOW ABOUT YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND LEAVE HER ALONE

yep, i fully understamd now why she created a cult. okay im only on 3 of 8 but still

EXCUSE ME LADY, YOUR DAUGHTER CLEARLY SAID NOT O GOING WITH THE PASTOR LEARN SOME FUCKING MANNERS AND DONT BE A RUDE BITCH

I THOUGHT WE WERE LOOKING FOR HER FATHER?

WHY DID WE FIND MIKA IM SO CONFUSED

oh, her dads the head of the hospital, okay. all good.

YEAH YOU TELL HIM MIKA

YEAH THANK YOU NURSE KICK HIM OUT P[LEASE

WEEE THANKS NURSE

she just wnated to be free from hatred? 

BUT NOBODY WOULD ALLOW HER, THEY KEPT PUSHING HER FURTHER INTO THE DARKNESS

okay gone back to not liking Mika just abit

oh.

now i dont know?

Episode 4

THATS NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR EITHER

Mika had cacner in her eyes.

Mika lived a while though, so her dad must have paid the bills.

MIKA LIED ABOUT THE PHONE NUMBER AND THE ADRESS THE FCUK

Did she really grow up at the orphange? PROBABLY FUCKING NOT

I was just feeling sad for her, but then she did that.

WAIT RIKA HONEY NO ITS NOT YOUR FAULT OF WHAT HAPPENED.

Oh.

so she made V blind because of that?

PUPPY

okay no, no new puppy then.

MS. HEAD OF THE RFA

no v, shes brainwashed him.

THE BOTANICAL GARDEN

No V you should focus on saeyoung because ive turned saeran into somebody i regret now.

Rika no.

you didnt have to shut everyone out, 

he asked you to leave?

Ugh im so confused?

WELL MIKA WAS RIGHT TEACHER THEY WERE BAD PARENTS

GROSS PASTOR PLEASE DONT SAY LITTLE LABM AROUND MINA, THATS CREEPY

Oh.

right yeah, she only separated saeran and saeyoung because of their parents.

Mika, why. 

she didnt have to lie about the orphanage, and then why you said you made Rika think it was all her fault, and then ugh

A FUCKING PUPPY 

WAIT SALLY

SHUT UP MOTHER, ITS A CUTE DOG AND WE BOTH LOVE IT

YEAH SALLY YOU GROWL AT HER

Oh.

I KNEW IT

the pastor is a creep, a pervert, child molester

EXCUSE ME MOTHER?

THATS THE FUCKING RITUAL TO GET SATAN OUT OF HER? 

EXCUSE ME THAT IS FUCKING ILLEGAL PASTOR OR NOT

dont fucking freak out, you told her to leave because you didnt want sally in the house and now your like THE FUCK YOU GOING SERENA HUH? ugh

Rika no, that isnt the right choice.

EXCUS ME MIKA DIED?

THEN WHO THE FUCK WAS THERE WHEN RIKA WAS OLDER

DID MIKA LIE ABOUT DYING?

SALLY UR SO CUTE

oh bad momesnt to mention sally being cute.

listen, all rika every wanted was to love someone.

defo a cult, Believer’s? This some sort of god cult.

WAIT NO SALLY DONT CRY

oh she was 16.

oh dear.

well that was a roller coaster

Episode 5

great she started working a church, and became a nun. even more fantastic

OH SWEET HER NAME IS FINALLY RIKA

I do like the names Mina and Serena but still Rika.

well wjat she thought she was doing was okay. Not wanting anyone to be abandoned?

she just uh turned it into something alot bigger than helping out at a church

She only treated people the way she did was because she didnt know how loving parents acted, so what she thought she was doing was right to her, since she didnt know anything else.

okay so shes 18.

and she wnated to shoe people her light instesd fo her darkness

AN THEN SHE MEETS V

OH THE CLOUD PHOTO, man when she looked at it she said Mother, because thats the first thing that came to mind. 

SHE JUST WNATED TO BE A SUN BUT DIDNT KNOW HOW

SAEYOUNG

WHY DOES TINY SAEYOUNG SOUND LIKE BIG SAEYOUNG

oh

yeah she thought that of she didnt protect saeyoung he’d rot just like Mika.

heh

Oh.

she could see her and mIka in him so she grew attached

she onyl wanted to do good

Rika the Angel but she thought of herself as Rika the Devil ok

Episode 6

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSUNG

okay so she didnt want yoosung to find out about her darkness

Rika honey, its okay. he still would ahve loved you.

Okay so Oh got it okay.

Yoosung is the son of rikas mothers sister,

SHE WAS SO WORRIED HE’D BE RUINED IF HE STAYED CLOSE

RIKA NO DONT OUT YOURSELF DOWN

YOU’RE EQUAL TO YOOSUNG D:

REUSING PHOTOS ARENT YOU CHERITZ OK

BUT HYE V

she couldnt feel anything? well V is both light and dark rika.

man v still doesnt know rikas real name BUT WE DOOOOO

episode 7

Man v ur kinda smooth with words but at the same time like you just met.

V MAKE UP UR FUCKING MIND

okay so she modelled for V and then when she was doing that they didnt talk much? man V atleast tell her she did good. how rude.

ZENNNN

v the fuck you didnt even say goodbye, just IM GONNA GO GRAB MY CAMERA AND THEN FCUKING WALK OFF

V no.

you didnt even compliment her or anything, you just said heres lets take pictures but we aint gonna talk and thn when your done, i aint gonna say you did well or anything like that.

V you kinda an asshole.

NO SALLY

okay shes fine.

V was just curious about me because im not like the rest”

kinda sounds like it,

YES RIKA YOU DO DESERVE THE SUN HONEY

YOU ARE THE SUN I THOUGHT WE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THIS

oh so it was Mina that wanted to be loved.

well shes still a prt of you rika, so that measn you wanted to be loved aswell.

okay so she stopped visiting V

V came to visit her

make up your fuckingmind V

“Heathen Cult”

well yeah basically.

JUMIN

V WHAT THE FUCK

“ can you show me how dark you are?”

HOW ABOUT A FUCKING NO

SHE CLEARLYT SAID NO V

YOU BETTER NOT FUCKING PUSH HER TO SHOW YOU

okay all good

she told V everything

and she scared she;ll end up like Mika.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ANOTHER V AND RIKA PHOTO

HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGS

WAIT HONEY DONT CRY

MINA YEEE

LAST EPISODE 

wow thats fast.

okay so saeyoung went abroad and then she stopped disagreeing when saeren was saved

then she met Jumin a year later, sweet.

HAPPY ENDING

WELL YOU HAVE ONE NOW RIKA UR HAPPY AND YEEE

okay so then she got her aparement

and then she dint know if things to turn to the worst or the best

well id say the worst but you did save alot of people.

you may have brainwashed them but they would ahve probably died without her help.

MIKA UR STILL ALIVE

UR BLIND THO

OH

YUP OKAY GOT IT

MIKA DIDNT TURST V SO RIKA WAS LIKE OK YEAH I DONT EITHER BC UR ALWAYSSSSSS RIGHT

right.

Mina believed her.

so she agreed.

SO CUTE

WHAT

MIKA NO

USE SAERAN AND YRUN HIM INTO A HACKER

HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT UP MIKA

IM BACK TO NOT LIKING YOU

MINA 

YOU

YOU MANIPULATED MINA INTO DOING YOUR DIRTY WORK

SHE TRUSTED AND YOU

AND YOU USED HER

“I must not use that boy. I must save him”

WELL THANK YOU RIKA

what kind of bullshit is that.

WELL YOU SHOULD DEFIENTLY TELL V BUT WHEN MIKA SAY NO YOU GOTTA AGREE BECAUSE MINA TRUSTS HER

EXCUS EME RIKA

MINA WAS THE LIGHT

mika is the dark

mika just please shut up.

okay she died. thats sad but like

NOT AFTER WHAT YOU DID

CUTE PHOTO OF RIKA YES

Thoughts

thst was um

one crazy ride

AND I WAS THERE FOR IT

so glad i read it.

even if you dont like rika at all

please do

its worth it.

as you can see my thoughts were jumbled in the actual live reaction

but it makes alot of sense kind aof?

im to lazy to write a review so thats the best you’re gonna get.

Its really good, to actually understand why Rika/Mina/Serena turned out the way she was.

i mena i already forgave her in the V ending

but even though she did those bad things, if someone just loved her and didnt feeed her with horrible views of the world, she was still a caring girl even though the darkness took a hold of her,

Im not glad of what happened to her, but if it didnt we would have never even met anyone. so as mucha s i hate to say it, im glad of what happened, and 100% glad we could help her through with it.

Okay, well that was fun.

[yourboyfriendaizawa]

god, i love ur kitsune au so much.... can i request another installment please? /.\ maybe it had been a while since the reader visited, so aizawa gets worried?

I’m sorry this took so long to come out but I’m putting my head in my goddamn hands bc this was supposed to be a short little drabble and it turned out to be over 2,600 words long. Literally the longest thing I’ve written for this blog so far by almost 500 words. I can’t believe this.

Anyway. This is an AU where Aizawa is a kitsune the reader met on a mountain. All the backstory is written in so if you’re unfamiliar no worries.

It had been weeks since you’d visited the shrine you had built up on the mountain trail for Aizawa. In fact, from what he could gather, you hadn’t been seen on the mountain at all for almost a month now, and Aizawa was getting just a little worried.

The two of you had become close in the year since you’d first gotten lost on your way to visit one of the major shrines. He’d been surprised at first, when Hizashi had come to him a few weeks after the incident to tell him that there was a human who frequented the shine and had recently began ending all their prayers with a thanks to a certain black haired fox that had helped them down the mountain that fateful night. Not long after, Hizashi tricked him into meeting with you again so you could thank him yourself. He had insisted it was only because it was his job to make assist in fulfilling the wishes of the shine’s worshipers if possible, but Aizawa had a hunch it was to get him to take more interest in interacting with humans. Ironically, that’s exactly what had happened. After the first meeting, you had asked if you would see him again the next time you visited, and to everyone’s surprise (even his own,) he had told you he would be if you wanted him to.

Ever since, the two of you had seen each other on an almost weekly basis, and he’d grown fond of your company. At some point, you had revealed that you knew he was a kitsune, and although he had known this, now that you had said it out loud he no longer felt the need to dodge your questions about who he was and found it to be a relief that he could share himself with you. He enjoyed your reactions as he told you about the monsters and spirits he dealt with in order to keep the mountain safe, enjoyed hearing you describe your own life beyond the mountain where he had not traveled in years, and secretly enjoyed the feeling of your fingers gently working their way through his hair as he rested beside you while you sat quietly propped against a tree, either reading or sketching or simply enjoying the peaceful forest around you.

When you’d failed to show up one week, he had hardly thought about it, chalking it up to being busy with something, perhaps familial obligations or work, and assumed he would see you the week after. When you didn’t show up that week either, he found it strange, wracking his brain to see if he could remember you mentioning going on some sort of trip or vacation. After the third week without seeing you, Aizawa began getting antsy, asking the other kitsune on the mountain to keep an eye out for you. Now, after almost four weeks and still no sign of you, he was admittedly worried. He didn’t think you someone to just disappear without a word. There had to be a reason for your absence, and Aizawa was afraid of what that reason could be.

‘Aizawa’. Toshinori’s voice addressed him from the ground below the branch Aizawa had been lounging on, ‘I believe I have news of your human.’ Aizawa’s ears twitched at Toshinori’s choice of words, but said nothing about it, instead turning his gaze toward the ground to encourage Toshinori to continue. At the moment, Toshinori was wearing his in his fox form, his golden fur shining bright in the dappled patches of sun that shone between the leaves, ‘A woman came to my shrine today, praying for the swift recovery of their child. I saw their face in her mind.’

Aizawa’s heart skipped a beat, “Recovery? From what?”

Toshinori shook his head, ‘I don’t know for sure, but I believe it to be an injury. The woman seemed distraught, but she wasn’t begging for her child’s life, so I assume it isn’t anything life threatening.’

There was solace in those words at least, but still Aizawa was concerned. If it was bad enough to keep you away for so long, it must have been serious.”Will you tell me if the woman comes back?”

‘Of course.’ he replied.

Luckily, less than another week passed before Toshinori notified Aizawa the woman had returned, and without having been asked directed Aizawa in the direction he could find her. Aizawa had thanked him quickly, then set off quickly to find her.

—

Aizawa found your mother relatively quickly, he had noticed her scent just minutes after setting off. She smelled an awful lot like you, and he was well adjusted to tracking down your scent by now. He did not approach her, however, but rather followed her from a distance as she emerged from the forest to make her way back into town. He knew it would appear more than strange for him to simply walk up to a woman he had never met and ask about her injured child, so he reasoned with himself that the best solution to find out what had happened to you was to follow her home and see for himself. (Ok, so it sounded just as weird, but it was all he could come up with.) He did however take the time to don a light glamor to hide any traits that might make him stand out among the humans, his fox-like features fading away as he stepped into civilization for the first time in a long while.

Since you had told him a number of times that you always walked to meet him, he assumed you lived rather close to the entrance to the mountain trail, and it turned out he was right. It only took about fifteen minutes or so for your mother to turn into an urban neighborhood, and only a handful more before she approached a building where he assumed you lived.

Now that he had found where you were he released his glamour completely, reverting into his natural fox form, and hide in the brush nearby until night had long since fallen and the widows were dark, signaling the occupants had likely gone to bed before inspecting further. The last thing he wanted was to draw any sort of attention to himself. During this time, he wondered if you would be upset with him for the lengths he was going to check up on you. He knew it would have been weird for a stranger to do all of these things, but he was a friend, right? And he had no other way of contacting you. He didn’t have one of those cell phones you were always carrying around, and even if he did it wasn’t like they had service on the mountain anyway. This was all he could think of.

Regardless, when he was satisfied the noise inside had quieted, he emerged from the bush he had been curled up under, transforming from fox to human mid-stride and approached the front door. He used a claw to carefully flip the lock, absently hoping you wouldn’t be upset by that, and slipped inside.

Instantly, he knew he was in the right place, he could clearly smell your scent hanging in the air, warm and familiar. He let it lead him through the darkness until he came to a door he was certain you were behind, and he gently began turning the knob as quietly as he could, before entering.

And then he saw you, and he felt felt equal parts joy and sadness spread through him, both a surprise in their intensity.

Joy, because there you were, laying in bed safe and relatively sound, and sadness because he could very clearly see your leg propped up on top of three pillows and encased from the knee down in a white cast.

Also, you had clearly not been asleep as he had previously thought because you were currently sitting up and looking straight at him with eyes wide in surprise. “Shouta?” you almost whispered, and his heart warmed at the sound of your voice, “Why–How did you find– come in before someone sees you!”

Aizawa did as you asked, stepping inside and quietly shutting the door behind him. When he turned back to face you, the shock had mostly worn off, and now you were looking at him with an expression that fell somewhere between confusion and awe. “How did you find me?”

“Your mother has started frequenting Toshinori’s shrine to pray for your recovery.” He started, and you gestured for him to come closer to the bed where you were laid.

“Are your friends this lousy at keeping everyone's’ secrets, or just  ones that relate to me?” You asked him with a wry smile.

Aizawa gave a small shrug. “It doesn’t say anywhere that your prayers are kept secret. And I was the one who asked everyone to keep tabs. I was worried when I hadn’t seen you around for a while.” He said, surprising you both with his honestly. “What happened to you?”

You grimaced, but quickly tried to cover it up with a smirk as you told him, “I fell off a ladder, if you can believe it. Broke all three bones in my right ankle.” You laughed, trying to pass it off as if it were a joke, but he could tell by the way it sounded that you didn’t find it amusing. Neither did he. “The stupid hospital even set it wrong, twice, so that by the the time a surgeon got the chance to look at me, my ankle was so messed up I had to have two surgeries to correct it. I just had the second one a few days ago.” Aizawa could see the shine of tears in your eyes as you continued, and a pang of sadness gripped his chest, “I’m full of metal pins and rods now, and probably will be for the rest of forever. Not to mention the scars. And on top of all that I have to keep my leg elevated above my heart twenty three hours a day to keep the swelling from making things worse. I’m only allowed up to pee.”

You looked up at him then, and must have seen something on your face because you quickly tried to smile again, and said, “It could be worse though! I’m really lucky I didn’t hit my head or anything on the way down. And My surgeon was really good. He says I’m healing just the way I should be– or at the very least as quickly as I can given how bad the emergency room screwed me up. And my mom has been taking care of me while I can’t take care of myself.”

Despite your words, a tear escaped the corner of your eye when you blinked. Automatically, Aizawa’s hand came up to brush it away. “I’m sorry.” He said, unsure of how to comfort you.

“I’m sorry too, for making you worry. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t think of how to.” You said, bringing your own hand up to grasp his gently. “I’m glad you’re here though. I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” He told you in earnest, “I’m glad you aren’t mad at me for stalking your mother and breaking into your home.”

You laughed, and a small smile graced his lips at the sound. He gave your hand a gentle squeeze in response. “I might have been, if it were anyone else. But since it’s you, you’re forgiven.” You said, before your smile faded and a create fell between your eyebrows, your eyes dropping to your lap. “I’m not sure when I’ll be able to see you again though. I won’t be walking independently for a while, and even then the doctor says I probably won’t be back to normal for at least six months.”

“I’ll visit you here then.” he said, matter-of-factly. Your eyes snapped back up to his in shock, and he almost smiled again. “It wasn’t especially hard to get here.”

“You can do that? I thought you didn’t like to leave the mountain.” You told him.

Aizawa shrugged. “I never really had a reason to leave before. Now I do.” He said simply.

Your eyes began to water again, only this time you were smiling. “Thank you.”

“I should leave you now though, it’s late, and you clearly need to rest.” He said, attempting to release your hand, though you only gripped it harder.

“No, please, I’ve been so lonely, and I haven’t seen you in weeks.” You said in a rush, eyes wide and desperate. “Will you stay, just for a little while longer?”

He would never tell you, but with the way you were looking at him in the moment, he didn’t think he could deny you anything, no matter what it was you asked of him. You looked so tired and fragile, clinging to his hand as though it were a lifeline, there wasn’t any way he could tell you no. Instead, he placed his other hand on your shoulder, pushing gently as he said, “Scoot.”

You quickly obeyed, struggling only slightly with your cumbersome leg, making space for him. When there was sufficient room for him on the bed, he sat down next to you and said, “I’ll stay, but only if you promise to sleep soon.”

The smile you gave him in response was so warm and full of appreciation it made his heart thump in his chest. “Thank you.” You said, squeezing his hand in both of yours, before he noticed you wince ever so slightly.

“Are you in pain?” He asked, looking down at your leg as though he could spot the source of your pain through the plaster.

“Yeah, I think it’s time for me to take another round of medication. Can you reach it for me?” You asked, pointing behind him. Aizawa looked over to see a plethora of of pill bottles on the side table. “I need the ones from the bottle with the pink cap and the one on the far left.” He picked up the ones you specified, handing them to you and watching you open each before shaking out four pills total into your hand. Then he exchanged the pill bottles with you for the glass of water. You threw all of them back in one go, swallowing them in a big gulp. Your face scrunched up in disgust as you said, “Gross. Thanks.”

“Of course,” He replied, watching you pull up your covers and then lean into his side.

“You’re going to get your wish” You said, pouting just slightly, “These are pretty strong, I’ll probably be out in ten minutes tops.”

Aizawa huffed out something that almost sounded like a laugh and said, “That’s a good thing. You need to rest.”

You made a face up at him, but then a small smile slid onto your features again as you said, “Thank you for breaking into my house, and thank you for staying with me. Seriously.”

“I’m just glad you’re safe.” He replied as your head came to rest on his shoulder. “Don’t go making a habit of hurting yourself just to get me to stay over though.”

You hummed in response but said nothing more, and it wasn’t long until he felt you press into him further, your breath coming out slow and even. Aizawa realized that at this point he could probably slip out unnoticed, the medicine you had taken would probably keep you asleep as he moved you, but he found he wasn’t ready to leave you just yet. He’d just found you after a month of worrying, after all.

He leaned down just enough to press his lips gently to the crown of your head, and told himself, Staying a little longer can’t hurt.

---

(A/N: the injury the reader went through in this is actually word for word what happened to me in june of this year. I broke the heck out of my ankle falling off a ladder and the ER really did set it so poorly the surgeon was actually upset the first time he looked at me and I really did have to be in bed for almost a month and a half. It’s been a wild ride, but I’m almost back to walking without limp now so it’s all good!

[swearronchanel]

and my commentary continues: series 6, episode 2 (if this is now a thing idk what to title it)

You asked for it, my first class isn’t until noon tomorrow so I can sleep in & so, I complied Also the SAG awards finished at like 10pm so even after doing my night routine it’s still early haha here it goes …

- Oh shit I forgot color - ah I really like the new intro - Penny’s outfit is so cute - “Walk don’t run” stfu Sister Ursula this isn’t elementary school - “Have you lost your marbles bubsy” haha that’s cute - UGH I WANNA FIGHT THIS NUN - LET JULIENNE ARRANGE THE DAMN FLOWERS - This is when sister Ursula presses sister Monica Joan about the bon bons lol - “Unlike your sisters” guessing u don’t think u count - You’re damn right - Sister MJ sly af 😏 wish she was my grandma - Aw penny it’s ok sweetie all will be well - AlRight so where is St Cuthberts, is it closer than the London? Idk just wondering - I don’t care that much tbh - Damn this man gonna go blind how sad - I like knowing what happens when I’m watching bc I can’t take so much I get anxious - But are we not going to mention Patsy’s wig anymore? It’s still ugly, lucky emerald is beautiful anyway - - Ugh my bbys are still so hurt about the thalidomide 💔💔 - IT WAS NOT EITHER OF YOUR FAULTS - YES IT IS A MIRACLE PATRICK, YOU SHOULD’VE MENTIONED IT LAST WEEK but it’s all good - HE’S TOUCHING HER STOMACH AH - AND THEY KISSED Lmaoo I bet this will break Tumblr - UgH SUCH A SWEET MOMENT TO MELT MY COLD HEART - Jk this show has made me such an emotional mess, like I rarely ever used to cry or anything - But it could also be because of university diminishing my sanity - “We should really start telling people” - YEA PLS GIVE US A CUTE SCENE TELLING EVERYONE @ NONNATUS - - Buttt, I’m gonna guess it’s either going to be implied that they told them off screen or they won’t find out till she starts bleeding mid inspection ?? idk I’m just guessing, don’t come at me lmaoo - Patrick’s smirk “he’ll certainly understand” 😂😂 - SHELAGH’S CRINGING FACE I LOVE IT - YOU KNOW IM HERE FOR ALL CRINGEY EXPRESSIONS - Plus that’s my bby - - PHYLLIS SAW PATS AND DELIA - SHE KNOWS & IM GLAD IT WAS HER TO FIRST FIND OUT - - alright so let me be annoying real quick - From that clip from the casebook Valerie is problematic/lowkey racist & no estoy aquí para eso PERO I like her in the moment? - One, her outfit is cute - & B, she gets along well with my shelagh and seems nice.. I’m not gonna forget her comment though lol, so I’m going to stay neutral for now - - Ok the Marsh baby is born next - Lol sorry I love when sister Winifred is being cringey or funny but this was just kinda boring but I know it’ll get better later in the episode - BUT SERIOUSLY I WANNA KNOW SISTER WINIFRED’S REAL NAME - Idk why that was capitalized I don’t feel that strongly but I’m very curious !¡! - - Shelagh being all cute and cheeky giving those vaccinations - Penny is so sweet - - Alright this is so irrelevant but still, Shelagh is outside.. so Why would she throw up in a napkin in her hand? lol, all that open space 😭😂 idk I really hate throwing up and will not let my self throw up. Not even vlad can make me😷 - SHIT THAT EXPLOSION THO - what were they doing exactly? - like a bitch over here a lil confused :/ - MY LIL SUPERHERO SPRINGING TO ACTION YES BBY - shit George’s blind for good now it’s sad - and arthur’s gonna die damn - - look at disheveled Shelagh so damn pretty but I wonder when she got that cut lol - Lmaoo @ Valerie, so she knows the Nonnatuns - - Damn I’m only 17 mins in why do I talk so much shit to myself - Sister MJ sneaking that bread during sister Ursula’s prayer is me 😂 - I swear though if Sister Ursula tries to get rid of Sister MJ I will fight - My eyes roll every time this woman is on my screen - Phyllis chewing angrily is also me - “Travel visas there have been canceled” shit pats it’s too relevant right now - “I’m trifle deaf these days” PHYLLIS U ARE A GEM - Penny wins best dressed patient - - Patrick worrying is precious - SHELAGH TRYING TO HINT WHILE SMILING IS SO FUNNY BUT WHY - Lmao why are they acting like Tim is not literally right there? - Also this boy is 15 why is he not ever with friends - Of course he knew, he’s always around and isn’t dumb at all. He basically grew up around pregnant ladies tbh - “.. Good I don’t want to know any other details” lmao 😂 - I knew he’d be pleased but I lowkey wanted him not to upset or annoyed so he could have a good little story line - It’s not realistic that this 15 year old is so pleasant with his parents all the time - Like I was an angsty fright @ 15 - lol I’m acting like I’m old, I’m going to be 19 & I’m still like that^ with my parents a lot of the time - - Why do British people call bandaids “plasters”? Hm. I just think of plaster of Paris for like walls or whatever it’s used for - “I’m a slow healer” lol Shelagh is so precious - “If the baby’s a girl I’m moving out” I think it’ll be a boy. Actually Idk forget I said that - Don’t be nervous bby, speak up you got this - “That’s my girl” yes Patrick that’s our girl protect her at all freaking cost 😭 - I’ve gotten so far without saying “fuck” I’m proud - - “This is the dark before the dawn, but there is always a dawn” thanks sister I needed that - “I’ve committed a crime"😭😭 - I love sister MJ - also not gonna lie I cried a little the first time watching this - - Some mothers of color in the community centre makes me happy - Who’s the model though? 😏 - Someone find him & tag me - Ugh here comes sister “I ruin everything” - Honestly when is sister Julienne just gonna come out and say “you gotta go”? - No that’s not the way you do things - fuck yea sister J - “We must simply sit it out and wait for Churchill” - I HOPE THATS TRIXIE - BUT also I really want Sister Julienne to be the one who saves the day - Lol yea Babs your wardrobe should step it up but it’s okay - - Shelagh don’t be nervous you’re gonna kill it - Does sister Ursula even do anything? She doesn’t see patients does she? Nah she just makes everyone angry - Get up outta here - Lol I’m so Brooklyn for that - “Mrs Turner you look nice” - UM YES, MY BBY, her new dresses & coats slay - She finally took a break from the damn cardigans & I love it. Not that there’s anything wrong with cardigans but you catch my drift - Nah for real I wanted a fabulous wardrobe for Shelagh bc times are changing & Laura Main is literally gorgeous so she needs pretty outfits & got it I did - so here for it, now we wait for another pair of trousers. lets get it 1962 - this first dress had such jackie kennedy vibes, love it - - “Consequences be DAMMED” YES PATS - Phyllis and Sister J are proud, I really want one of them to press Sister Ursula - Look @ Delia actually being a nurse! - ah penny 💔 - - Shelagh’s so nervous at first but then is like YOU KNOW WHAT ASSHAT JUDGE - “Where is nurse Mount?” , “where she is needed” YES SISTER JULIENNE - love the blue coat Shelagh - “I’m not ill, I’m just tired and angry” same - Don’t cry bby - “Our best is worthless bc it won’t change anything” ugh crush my heart, especially that little hug. I need to hug them all - lol who invited Tom to the hospital - he’s so handsome though so it’s ok - TELL THEM, STAND UP - “We need to fight” yes ! - I was worried penny’s baby wouldn’t live - C'mon Pats be pc - okay patsy opening up, crushes my heart she’s so closed off but I feel - Here comes the wicked bitch of the east [end] - Whoops can I call a fictitious nun a bitch - YES PATS YES DONT TAKE HER SHIT - Aw patsy, you two will okay, I mean look sister Bernadette came back as Shelagh because of letters so you never know - - Shelagh’s baby blue outfit >> - she needs to go out in public more with her hair down and slay everyone’s life - “Not today.” Yes Delia - “You did it Mrs Turner, you made em listen!” - Yes tf she did. I’m so proud - the set makeup artist did a crazy good job with the burns - “We never really out grow our parents, we just think we do” aw I should call my mum and dad - mm maybe later it’s midnight lmao - DELIA SAID I LOVE U - I FEEL LIKE NO IMPORTANT COUPLE on here HAS SAID “I LOVE YOU” to each other ?? - They almost kissed aw - Fred just break the door damn - Reminds me a little of when Jenny left - Aw the Marsh fam - Phyllis you are gold - Phyllis is still learning Spanish, please give her an opportunity to use it! - the only Spanish speaking mother was conchita, wasn’t that the first episode ever? lets get another one - Anyway, this was so sad. - “The pain it costs to love..” PHYLLIS I LOVE You. You deserve everything good - Aw all the other mothers with penny! - Alright Lets hear it Vanessa - Aw Delia Bonus: preview for next week - my other bby Trixie is back !! - hope she loses her shit when she realizes sister Ursula is ruining everything + patsy/sister mary cynthia are gone - My bby Shelagh looks so pretty!💕 - BUT I KNOW NO ONE IS SHUTTING DOWN ANYTHING - I will not have it - Phyllis spilling the ever so obvious and boiling tea, sister Ursula is UNFIT - Pls let Sister Julienne say something crazy to her before she goes - Why is babs crying?? - ugh of course that’s the most of a preview we get - Nothing bad will happen to my bbys I won’t have it. Protect them at all costs or I’ll spontaneously combust - Jk but I might flip my shit or throw my laptop - But for real for Shelagh to miscarry 3 episodes in would be a waste of a storyline - Plus it is a drama, we’ll be shook for a while, then we’ll cry, we’ll laugh & then Vanessa Redgrave says something profound and we go on with the week - The End 🙃🙃 - If you read this far, you’re a champ - I did this for u all

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 62

Well, this last mile has been a full one. Which is another way of saying that yet again, I’ve neglected posting for too long (a month maybe?). It feel like the weather has gotten warmer and everything has amped up. Buckle in, bc this is going to be a big spew, a catharsis of lots of things I don’t feel like I can say to anyone else; though of course I have been yakking to everyone about some of this.

First, the ugly: Going another round with H’s mother. I’ve realized how much of my years with H were spent managing her extremely fragile emotions. It’s exhausting. This time she outright told me that I didn’t respect her--of course if she respected me then she wouldn’t jump to the worst conclusion about my motives for my actions regarding MY child. It just infuriates me so much--and she totally defies all reason and logic and manages to make me feel like an inconsiderate, irresponsible jerk for not being omniscient or ordaining the universe. Another realization: she has always and will always treat me like an incompetent child and I am fucking DONE with it! I need her to move away. Not that it will end this shit, but it will hopefully make it less frequent and less potent. I now understand why my [current] sisters in law keep her at arm’s length. 

Also, regarding H: he’s so guarded everytime he’s around me. He’s like a big black cloud of tension and I feel like he brings shadows whenever I have to see him even briefly. What a reversal. Can it only be three months since I moved out? Poor thing, I gather he’s going through a rough patch right now, and possibly at slight odds with his dear mama as well. I do wish he would answer my legitimate inquiries about schedule though. I wish we had a better flow of comm, but he acts like I have a disease that will be communicated through the keyboard. So far things are passing between me and my mom and him. Which I know is not the adult way but like...if you won’t talk to me like a calm adult? He and his mom seem to be casting me as the enemy--but even combatants have parleys under a flag of truce. We have to resolve this sometime, but I’m perfectly willing to avoid it until he heals a bit more and is less dangerous to my peace of mind.

Ugh, just writing that out made me tense. On to the good!

The good: I’ve lost 17 lbs since January when I started this diet with my mom. I feel great this week too, bc I’m able to be more active with this nice weather. I also feel more productive at work, so all things are good. This all may be due to the next big event in my life detailed below momentarily; but I will say this: as the earth comes out of ice and is reborn to spring, so I feel reborn. This past week I have danced, grinned, sung, reconnected with musical theatre, etc. (and before that wrote!) in a way I haven’t in months. Some of this is due to this event--but I realize that before I get there I need to fill in one other item...

I went to visit an old friend from college, whom we will call S. This friend has been crazy about me since probably our second week of freshman astronomy, and it’s one of those where I’ve tried to make it work before and it just...won’t. This friend has stuck by me through all of this shit, and knows all of my flaws more intimately than almost anyone. He’s a complete vessel--a listener who won’t judge and who cherishes me no matter what. Which I know I take advantage of. Other than my mother, he’s the most unconditional relationship I have. If only he had his shit together and wasn’t illogically conservative. (We do NOT talk politics.) Also a bit sexist and racist--not that he’d ever act on them. For the sake of this bond we have I choose to ignore/avoid all that, but this is one of the reasons we just can’t make a relationship. But that doesn’t mean my visit was strictly platonic. I flatter myself that I contributed to his well-being in significant ways, but I definitely selfishly reveled in the experience of being cherished, and of the fierce, wonderful trust we share. I could cry just thinking about it--I can be so honest with him, about my ups and downs. And best of all: we are equals. Peers, partners, equals!!! I have never had that with a man. No matter the relationship. I find it sublime and somewhat irresistible. Even though I know it’s so unfair to him; bc we both know it can’t last forever. Anyway, that whole things has been good for me. Probably also bad in other ways. But it has reawakened a part of myself I thought gone forever, and that part is stronger than I ever remember it being. Trust and complete comfort are heady heady things. 

So from that we proceed to...drum roll...

I actually went on a date Saturday night. This is what I’ve been driving all my friends crazy about, and I hate myself for being such a spaz. They’re all darlings, but really, I need to get over myself. Which is why I’m going to try to exercise as much as possible here. 

So yeah, one of my coworkers has a brother. A brother who it turns out--came to visit our workplace months ago and was checking me out. Who then asked *repeatedly* to be introduced to me. Who, after I met him last month friended me on fb and then messaged me out of the blue about 2 weeks ago. Now, this man is brilliant (he’s a scientist--sexy and ridiculously intimidating at the same time), sophisticated, independent adult with a well-paying full time job and actual talent; he’s so freaking charming and good-hearted, he’s witty and considerate and he swing dances (swoon--if I dance with him my ovaries may never recover); not to mention my coworker is thrilled at the prospect. He’s also 5 years older than I am--I wasn’t exactly looking for age gap, but... Anyway, I’m still getting my brain to process the fact that he actually wants to spend time with me. Because his whole family is immortal--brilliantly talented, beautiful etc. And then there's me mere mortal with my messy-ass family. And all my baggage. And the fact that I’m trying desperately to crawl out of diapers and grow into a legit adult. I’m gonna throw some thoughts out below in no order or reason:

So the age gap: I was hoping to avoid it. After the good experiences of equality with S, who is only months older than I, I am wary of falling into the naive child role again. I am determined to be am equal adult, and yet already I feel myself pulled to alter my behavior--I can be so silly with S, and I feel like Charming here would think me immature--when around this guy. Also, he’s into scifi and have only moderate xp there, also he hikes and camps--the idea of hiking with him actually sounds utterly lovely (talk about day-dreaming), camping... But I mean I’m willing to try--I’m just so wary of losing myself again. Of putting his needs above mine and doing whatever I can to keep him from rejecting/punishing me. It’s so frustrating yet again how easily my bad habits kick in like clockwork. 

Speaking of my neurosis: I am WAY too invested in this. Super fixated. Some might say I’m obsessing. Which I suppose has always been my way with boys. But you’d hope I’d behave differently at 31 than I did when I was 12, 14, 15. So first I was mooning and daydreaming about him while grinning like a complete dope and humming songs (like, full out cliche) Sunday and Monday, and then I was stupid and was overtly flirty (like dude back off AB, you had *one* date) on Monday evening and he just--wham--dropped communications. I’ve heard nothing from him since, and I’m using all powers of mind control I possess and prayer (sorry God) to will him to just message me for like 5 minutes so I know he still likes me, that I didn’t freak him out by behaving like a silly girl. I so want to do this like an adult, but apparently I am incapable. If this doesn’t happen, like fi we don’t work out, then fine. But I’ll be crushed if it’s bc of my inherent flaw of childishness. And what if it is inherent? What if I cannot actually function in an adult relationship?

That’s another thing--I am so putting the cart before the horse. Like we met, we chatted twice, and then we spend 5 hours eating Thai food and walking all over his neighborhood. He should not be and *is* not the center of my universe. I’d like to think I wouldn’t be behaving this stupidly if he hadn’t kissed me. I’d like to think I could be cool and removed and totally ok with the fact that he seems to be compartmentalizing the amount of time he spends with me (his job is hell, apparently; another red flag, but he’s so charming....) if he hadn’t kissed me. So I wasn’t sure how to gauge it--were we just two adults enjoying each other’s company? I know he thinks I am cute--but physical attraction doesn’t mean he actually likes me. I mean, I think he was flirting with me--the body language was promising, I’m fairly certain he was nervous at the beginning (but it’s a date who wouldn’t be?), and he like, touched me arm and such you know the way you do when you’re just broaching physical contact. And then when I left I went to hug him and...it was not a platonic hug. It was brief but...there was...heat...a tiny little simmer. And then, there was a second hug, and he briefly, subtly, turned into my neck and placed a quick little kiss there. It was chaste as hell, a bit uncertain I think, but it changed everything. I mean I dunno maybe it was just quarter to midnight and goodwill talking. Maybe he’s just affectionate and that was his way of saying “Thanks for a good time.” Maybe it all goes back to the sex and it’s purely physical? I just--I have such a hard time thinking he actually sees anything in me bc I’m so--uninteresting--I’m not ambitious or successful, I’m insecure as fuck, I have plenty o’ baggage, I’m not cosmopolitan or well-read or witty. All I have is the loyalty and affection of a--child. I gather it’s been some time since he’s been taken care of, and of course that appeals to me, taking care of him, but maybe he likes being self-sufficient? He certainly is. And again!!!! It’s too soon for me to be thinking this way. But I just do this. What is my problem??? I keep thinking once he gets to know me he’s going to bail. And at this point that would hurt more bc it would mean my weaknesses had caused me to fail again than bc I’m madly in love with him, but still. The more I invest the worse it will be when this whole thing crashes. But I can’t not give it a try--even if I see eminent disaster on the other side. I keep hoping my instincts will be proven false.

On a lighter note: I am ridiculously physically attracted to him. Like--keep daydreaming about kissing him...and other things...

I just--why am I so fixated on this? Why is he the only thing I can think about? I have a life! I can’t just be marking time until I see him again. GET A GRIP, AB! I keep singing “He is not thinking of me” to myself. Bc I guarantee he is going about his business as usual--like a fucking adult--and taking Saturday night for what it was: a pleasant evening. 

Nonsequitur: If he doesn’t message me in the next few days I may implode.

Also, I just wish for some clarity. It’s like dating Jane Bennett. No clue if he’s just being nice or....?

Why is my professional performance so tied to whether or no a man is interested in me? What the hell is that about?!!!

I will say this--it’s nice to feel romance again. I feel like me again. The bitter gone-by feeling I had at my cousin’s wedding is banished, replaced by all the hope and cheer of spring and things beginning. Also, showtunes again! Singing again! I could go into “Bewitched, bothered and bewildered” but that song is too cynical. Instead, I’ll end with the line that was running through my head all day Monday:

“I don’t know why I can’t think of anything I would rather do than be wasting my time on mountains with you.”

And now, off to church!