#it’s more so when it’s left unsaid I guess? u don’t need to ‘credit me’ for inspo I think that’s dumb

[worldsewage]

I know I said I can’t do anything about people getting inspired by my artwork and I encourage it but it’s weird seeing blatant rip offs.

[kitsoa]

So. Khux final. Your thoughts?

I knew I would see you in my Inbox! Greetings, been a while, apologies, summer vacation is tomorrow and I'm finally going to re-energize my fandom spaces. Overall thoughts: It was decent. Definitely a lot of wham moments and twists I didn't see coming. The execution of the characters were satisfying to a point that my complaints are truly weak by comparison. That said... I have gripes. Gripes that may have the bias of simply liking my own theories better but I plan to get the hell over myself. Long Post under the cut

The Darkness Ugh: I haven't commented on months of updated info due to the sinking distaste I had for the entire Sentient Darknesses conflict. I don't think it properly utilizes the Nightmare Chirithy concept and Darkling ideas that were heavily pushed in the early game (all the way to the last world). Regardless of the connection between the impetus of such threats, it felt a little shoehorned to create a new emergent threat in the Darkness Creatures. Ventus gets no blame, MoM and Luxu can feign some kind of noble intention, everyone is basically guiltless when trying to apprehend and eliminate a nebulous and hard-to-kill force such as them. I'll admit that it fits really well in the convolution of the Data-Worlds. The Union Leaders are a honeytrap essentially and it seems to have at least issued a major blow to the force of Darkness. I'm just not a fan of the implications of the future conflict I guess? I'm okay with Light and Dark themes but I really want them to explore it with more nuance. "Light is not Good" kind of tropes. I can't wait to see the Foretellers as bad guys but I don't want to blame some other possessing force. I want to see legitimate error and corruption. Maybe I'm being short-sighted with the development. I'm not giving it enough credit. It still makes my head spin with ideas.

Stuff I really LIKE because it reaffirms my thoughts on fictional realities which have already been confirmed but I am excited to see how literal it can get: Real Daybreak Town glitches as it falls to darkness. It's not as 'real' as any of them would like to believe. "A land where light and darkness cannot be controlled" maybe be fictional to MoM but that sounds like the real world to me. ※ is a literal icon for 'reference' which means the world is a reference to something else. Quadratrum is a reference to ffv13 AND/OR a reference to literal Shibuya the 'heart' of Tokyo. It can literally be both at the same time. I am convinced we are approaching terminal real world through this style of world-hopping. Playernort: I am actually pretty okay with the Player Xehanort thing. I firstly think it's funny because of the 'everyone is Xehanort' joke and now WE are Xehanort. If you believe in the infinite worldline idea than every Dandelion is Xehanort in some fashion because that avatar encompasses the entire Daybreak population and assumes the role of Xehanort's past life in some variation of the world's existence. I think it explains Xehanort's obsession with the keyblade war and finding the Union Leaders while I simply assumed there was something of value within them stirring that need. Heart reincarnation is a new(er) concept that is extremely interesting. It, first of all, says the quiet part out loud and confirms that 'sleeping hearts' are fricken Dead guys. I mean we know this but I don't think we have to call it 'essentially death!' it is death. You can literally choose to move on if you don't just sleep. There is no waking the player character anymore. They are literally a different person. It also invites some musing on Ventus and Sora's connection as semi-reincarnations. It's not exact because Ven did choose to sleep but the same process that happens in reincarnation was potentially invoked during their bond. My lore brain is very happy. Where they left off:

They say that you need someone to remember you at your destination, but Marly, Larx, and Ven had no one to bring them into existence like Maleficent did. A facet to the lore that really stumps me. Is that just a factor to ensure that they have memories? I have to assume so but I have no evidence. And we don't know if they are truly alone really (ven kinda wasn't) but it makes you wonder how the recollection of them was orchestrated. Of course Skuld is omitted, though she shares the unique context of leaving out of the same round of pods as Ephemer... who I don't think left at all. Ephemer is the only one who was still in his pod when it landed meaning he didn't time travel at all. I like to think that the Scala he creates has this... final world feel which leads me to believe he somehow ended up in the final world but he clearly didn't. Daybreak falls to darkness and he's swept up somewhere to create Scala. It's just interesting that he doesn't travel. It's a little similar to Kairi's use of the pod in that it just worked between worlds instead of time. And I think that's intentional on Ephie's part (to create the memories needed to bring his friends to the correct point in time?) The entire Brain situation leaves me very confused. There's Luxu possessing him? and Then he transports ahead in time? How does he have his memories if it was decided that he would arrive in Scala. Ugh. Whatever. It's interesting but dissecting Luxu isn't my forte so I'll leave it for when I'm feeling particularly inspired. Things left unsaid: Ava. That's the point I guess. They could have explained the Keyblade War much better. Worlds ending can be extremely vague.... Also, X-blade my ASS Xehanort was drunk and needs to go home and now I'm pissed at that stupid-looking keyblade and I wish it didn't exist because it CLEARLY DOESN'T APPARENTLY. Also, attempts at convincing me MoM is good have failed and I was not digging the insistent martyr thing he had going. I just don't trust him. Like one bit. I think he's playing everyone, but the Darkness shit bothers me because its not like I think he's siding with Darkness I just don't think that makes him noble or even misunderstood. Conclusion: This isn't necessarily a bad place to leave things off. It's very intriguing and I would love to see this reinterpreted. Thanks for forcing me to put my thoughts together, I had been avoiding this.

[atinykidult]

TMW #1—SVT Performance Unit

[angst] [3122 words] — 500-1000 word scenarios, Trainee!au, specific tags with each part, x reader

[a/n] — To supplement my growth as a writer, and to hopefully post more often, I’m going to start this TMW series. In it, I just want to explore different aus/emotions/styles in very short but hopefully still impactful blurbs. Thank you for reading!

[taglist] — @yunwoo @woozisnoots​ @multifanhere (Thank you for supporting me! It means the world!)

— K W O N   S O O N Y O U N G

[established relationship] [trainee!reader] [tw for trainee contracts being horrible]

Heartache is saying goodbye for a very long time, even though I’ll see you tomorrow.

He lets out a watery okay.

You bite your lip and nod.

“We’ll give you a few minutes, then please return to your training rooms.”

“I understand,” he says.

“Yes.”

The door clicks shut, and you both look at each other.

His eyes are bright with tears; yours are, too.

You let out a tired yet almost humored snort. Watery eyes, tired hearts. It’s ironic. This is how you and Soonyoung got together in the first place.

You were a good thing, and you were incredibly good for each other.

After all, trainee life is hard. And the closer to debut, the further away you get from any non-idol humans.

And to be at a company with two groups nearing that fabled debut?

Your shared manager’s exhausted admission sums it up: “This is my fault. The company’s, really. We should have expected two overworked trainees to find comfort in each other.”

Soonyoung wetly clears his throat. “I—I am so, so sorry. I…”

You shake your head. “Don’t be.”

He meets your eyes, expression fiercely argumentative.

“We both knew what we were doing.”

His shoulders, usually shaking in laughter or holding themselves strong for choreography, are hunched over. For being the cause for that, you hate yourself.

“‘We both knew what we were doing,’” he murmurs. “I… I guess we did.”

More than viciously heartbroken, you just feel bone tired. Even now, you wish you could lean against Soonyoung and feel him lean against you in return. You’d spent many hours that way, silent in your mutual understanding.

Now there’s a table between you.

A contract laying between you.

No comfort, no soft touches—only two pens.

“We should sign.” You don’t raise your hand, despite your words. “Get it over with.”

You can’t feel your face.

Soonyoung’s lips are pressed so tightly together you wonder if they’ll bruise. Distantly, your insides curl when you recall the color they turn when they do.

“Right,” he agrees, not reaching for a pen either.

He tearfully stares at you, memorizing the way you stare back at him.

The thing that had attracted you to each other so powerfully?

Your sheer determination, mirrored in the other.

And also...

Your shared dream to debut.

A tear falls down his cheeks, and you can’t help yourself when you reach over and wipe them away with the pads of your thumbs.

Instead of whispered words of, we’ll get there, together, you can only offer him this:

“Keep working on that fluidity.” Your voice shakes a little. “You’ve been getting so much better.”

Your way of saying: I’ll miss you. I’ll watch your growth and be proud of you.

“You, too—with your locks.” He sounds like someone’s strangling him. “Even Jihoon was saying how much you’ve improved.”

His way of saying: I love you. I’ll watch you, too.

You both reach for your pens.

“See you after five thousand,” he says, hand hovering over the paper.

There’s a meteor in your throat, moving down and down. You shake your head wordlessly.

With your inability to reply, he signs his name.

You sign yours.

With the sound of your pen dropped to the table, the meteor meets your heart and pushes it down and down and down....

Trainees Kwon Soonyoung and Y/L/N Y/N shall not interact again until either of two conditions.

Condition A) The latter of the two reaches their group’s third anniversary.

Condition B) The event of both eventual groups acquiring 500k sales on a single album.

— W E N   J U N H U I

[angst with lighthearted aspects] [could be “canon” setting] [childhood friends]

Heartache is saying goodbye and leaving things unsaid.

You and Junhui—childhood friends to best friends to something a little too tender to be platonic—well.

There’s the whole story, really.

No verb needs to be added.

As you stare at your phone, you huff out a chuckle.

You blame PMS when your eyes well up a little, scrolling through the many selcas Junhui has sent you. It warms your heart whenever he sends you them. Even though, or rather because, he has little phone time, it means the world that he sends you a quick selca every so often.

It also makes your pathetic heart scream a little.

Not from a stabbing pain, not a scream saying I’m on a 9/10 on the pain scale, SOS!

A scream more like I feel a little helpless to my pain, and it aches dammit, and I should have just told him I loved him.

As one of your alarms goes off, you scream into your elbow.

Back to the books.

.

Heartache masks itself under warm memories and whispers of comfort.

Junhui, for all his loudness and talking much too fast, knows his heart. He understands what he feels, most of the time, and he knows what he wants.

He wants to debut with the other trainees in the Seventeen Project.

Right now, he wants to eat a delicious supper. Then he wants to sleep until he wakes up naturally.

Then, he wants a three day vacation so he can go home and reminisce childhood schoolyard games with a certain best friend. And maybe say those particular words...

Well, that’s not a want.

It’s a wish.

And while his stomach flutters at the thought of it, the reality of the ache in his muscles pulls his attention away from the pleasant fantasy of those wishes.

For now, it’s time to focus on wants and learning new choreography.

But maybe, in ten years, maybe….

Maybe then, it’ll be time to think about wishes.

.

The day Junhui left your hometown, you saw him off. Although you couldn’t see him to the plane itself, you shared breakfast with him and spent every minute together until his family left in their car.

At one point, he and you were sitting on his bed, staring at an unnaturally clean room.

“You know… I bet you’d pass the audition if you tried,” he joked, not for the first time.

“Haha. And I would enjoy trainee life just as much as you enjoy schoolwork.”

Both of you smiled with your eyes.

“But you’d enjoy it because you’d see me every day!”

“And you could enjoy my schoolwork just as much seeing me everyday!”

A pause, then a much too honest: “That would make the school work worth it.”

If you were brave, you would have asked him something like: Are you trying to say something? Please tell me you’re trying to say something.

You weren’t brave.

“Then why are you leaving me all alone?! Huh?! To suffer all by myself?! Do you know how many credits I’m taking?”

“And you’re leaving me to a bunch of foreigners!! So what about that?!”

“I’m not the one leaving!”

Insert spluttering.

And laughter.

So much obnoxious laughter.

It was a good last day together.

It was a warm goodbye.

But, want to know something that sometimes makes your heart scream a little?

Wondering if you could have made that last day even better if you had been brave.

— X U   M I N G H A O

[one-sided pining] [TW for slight age difference/feelings for an authority figure][favorite of this set]

Heartache is falling for someone untouchable.

First of all, don’t point any fingers at him.

Having the vocal instructor be a beautiful, attractive, and young person? Who compliments trainees in their native tongue? And sits with them at lunch?

It’s like the higher ups are trying to weed out the trainees via dating clause.

Second of all, and corollary of the first point: Minghao’s not the only one.

“Our teacher’s the best!” Junhui crows in his ear, Mandarin a little too breathless.

Minghao lets out a little grunt in response.

“I didn’t know our teacher could dance, too!”

“Seonsaengnim is very talented,” one of the Korean trainees says to Minghao, ignorant to Jun’s words.

Minghao wills his cheeks to not show anything.

“Really!” someone else says.

He groans at his thumping heart.

Third of all, it’s not like the feelings will last.

Shortly after the dancing display, Seonsaengnim sits with Minghao, Junhui, and a few other trainees at lunch. Here, Minghao learns something very important about their young instructor.

“Yeah, I was a trainee just like you three!” you say, hoping this conversation doesn’t take a poor turn. “Honestly, I think it was only a little over a year ago.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, how did you end up a teacher here?” Jihoon doesn’t mention any of the trainees’ popular assumptions in his question.

Seonsaengnim must not have been as good as everyone else.

Maybe all the other trainees were more beautiful.

Honestly, I bet that’s it.

Minghao doesn’t quite know it for sure, but he knows that Jihoon, like himself, worries that he won’t debut because of his visuals. Korean entertainment… just isn’t fair.

“Korean entertainment goes through its phases.” It’s like you read his thoughts. Minghao can tell you’re sifting through your thoughts very carefully, choosing your words not unlike the way he often does. Trying to find the words. The right way to articulate best intentions. “For me, I was good enough that even though I couldn’t debut, the company thought I was worth keeping around. That was honestly very…” He's fascinated by the way your tongue peaks out to wet your lips. “Very complimentary. Of them, to me. I’m thankful.”

“Do you think you could debut in the future?” someone asks, stupidly.

“No.” Minghao is surprised to see your lips begin to smile so sincerely. “But I’m looking forward to helping you all debut.”

There’s no bitterness in your tone.

Something in him stirs fiercely. He wishes he could have that surety.

When you smile warmly at him, tilting your head as you study his expression, the buzz that courses through him is surely the way Soonyoung would feel if he ever met Taemin. Surely.

It’s admiration, that’s all it is.

Fourth of all, it was inevitable, really.

“Minghao, can we talk for a minute?”

He nearly jumps at the Mandarin.

There’s rage sitting in his stomach right now—at the company, at the guest instructor, at the mistakes he made today, at his own pathetic face.

Minghao just wants to disappear for a while.

But he can’t say no. Doesn’t want to, to this one staff member.

“Of course.”

You sit next to him, back to the studio’s mirror.

“I know today was hard, but you’ve been doing better the last four practices in a row. That’s incredible. Remember… Every time you’re not going to improve visibly. That would be impossible.”

“Thanks.”

“And that instructor is a piss poor excuse for a—oh, sorry. I shouldn’t be teaching you those kinds of words—”

“Seonsaengnim, I won’t be telling anyone on you.” He can feel the corners of his lips twitching up, despite himself.

“Just… Know you’re already working hard enough. You don’t need to be… ‘working double because you don’t have the visuals.’” You run an aggressive hand through your hair and let out a righteously indignant noise. “Just… You’re so talented, and I honestly think you look perfectly attractive. So… Just… Ugh. Know that you’re unofficially my favorite. And I hope today doesn’t stick with you. Damn, that was a horrible instructor...”

Minghao can’t help but flush at the praise, and how intimate it feels for you to be here. Sitting with him. Rambling to him so that he’ll feel better.

This talk will stick with him.

But only for the best reasons.

You take his hand; squeeze it once reassuringly.

“You’re going really far. Remember that.”

He meets your eyes, heartbeat galloping.

It was inevitable.

Fifth of all, it’s not like he’ll ever say anything.

“Today’s my last day with you! I’m so proud of you all for making it this far.”

It’s not like he’ll ever have the chance.

“Thank you for everything, Seongsaengnim!”

“Yes, thank you!”

“You were our best teacher!”

Minghao freezes.

It feels like someone took all the warmth he had felt from that talk, and drained it from him. And decided that, you know what? For the hell of it, let’s just dump some ice cubes in there. Like rubbing salt in a wound, but emotionally.

The practice passes as quickly as clouds on a windy day.

Then, suddenly, you’re hugging everyone goodbye.

Then, suddenly, you’re fondly ushering the last of the trainees through the door.

Then, suddenly, you’re brushing his sweaty hair out of his eyes.

“Minghao, you’ve made it to the debut lineup. I’m so proud of you.”

You say more, but his mind is empty except for the panic settling in.

He’ll never get to say anything.

He grabs your wrist.

“Seonsaengnim, you can’t be leaving.”

A surprised frown. “I can’t?”

I need you to stay with me throughout my career.

I need you to keep watching me improve, with that proud look in your eye.

I need—

Minghao can’t find any Korean to answer with, leaving him nearly in tears.

He feels hysterical.

And you hug him.

And the tears fall.

“I’ll miss you too, Minghao.”

I love you.

So I need you to stay.

“I’ll be watching the headlines for your name, and when I see it, I’ll be telling my new trainees, ‘He was my favorite!’” A pure, bright grin against his sweaty hair. “You’ve made it, Hao! You don’t need to be crying over me.”

That’s not the words that will make me feel better.

“I—I—”

Minghao knows the three Korean syllables.

But it’s not like he’ll ever say them.

— L E E   C H A N

[angst] [exes]

Heartache is pouring out my regrets out on stage, knowing you’ll never see it.

Chan doesn’t know why he’s feeling this way, this minute, this song.

But he is.

It’s trainee evaluation day; his focus should be unwavering.

Yet, as he takes his spot with the other three trainees, he feels that familiar wave of regret bowl his heart over.

His memories of you flash through his head as he lowers it, waiting for the music to play.

Those memories are bowling pins in his mind, one toppling into another and that pin into another—

And Chan, being who he is, aims for a strike every single time.

“It’s alright you cancelled today—I know being a trainee leaves you no time.”

“I’m sorry. I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

The first one always falls, and then the next.

“I understand. It’ll be worth it when you make it to the big stage.”

“Only if you’re in the front row.”

“Talk soon.”

“Talk soon.”

The second pin rushes into the third.

“I have to go in a minute. But you were trying to tell me?”

“It’s… no, it’s nothing, babe. Dance good. And… maybe—call me soon?”

“I promise I’ll call right after.”

And the next ones always fall much faster.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call last night. We were all so exhausted, and I just couldn’t deal with y—”

He stops himself in time, but the damage is done.

“You just couldn’t deal with me? Well, you know what, Lee Chan. Maybe right now I can’t deal with you.”

And then they all fall indiscriminately, until the last few are teetering, wobbling...

The music plays, and muscle memory sweeps Chan’s body away into the choreography.

“No, Chan, you don’t need to apologize. I understand exactly how we stand. I really do believe you, don’t worry about that. You like me, but not as much as yourself! And your ‘dreams.’ I understand completely.” Your voice is a both a cry and a hiss by now. “You’re really selfish sometimes, you know that?”

...And the last one falls.

“Chan, your lyrics are really... “

“Are they that bad?”

“No—not bad… Just, well… Heavy. For someone your age.”

“It’s a heavy topic, hyung.”

“True.”

“So, can we use them for the evaluation?”

“No. They’ll be wanting something lighthearted for that. But…”

“But.”

“I’ll hold onto these, if you don’t mind. We can use them on an album someday.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“No, really! They’re good lyrics.”

“No, uh… That wasn’t what I meant! It’s just…”

“Are they too personal? You don’t want them in the world?”

“Sort of.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, it’s decided then. We won’t use them.”

“Thanks, hyung.”

“What, you’re leaving? Don’t you at least want these back, if they’re so personal?”

“...No, that’s alright. I… I—just, can you keep them for me? I don’t want them again. Ever.”

“Hey, I—”

“Please.”

“You wrote ‘I’m sorry,’ nineteen times. Not to pull the responsible hyung card on you, but I feel like this isn’t something you can… keep away from yourself. For forever.”

“I know. I’m working on it.”

“Okay then.”

“Thanks for everything, hyung.”

“Sure.”

“I’ll just go now.”

“Okay…. Uh… Actually, Chan?”

“What?”

“Just remember that, even if… Even because you’ve messed up before... Just know that doesn’t mean you’re that person for forever. I don’t know if you can make up for whatever happened. But you’re not… ‘stuck on this tear-stained road, for ever. You’re a good kid.”

“Are you going after sappy hyung role, now?”

“You can talk to us if you’re not feeling okay.”

“Thank you, hyung. I’ll get out of your hair now.”

“Chan!”

The song ends. The dance resolves with a final swoop of the arm. And Chan’s heart hurts a little.

“That was really good,” someone whispers.

“For real, I got chills.”

“Chan-ie, are you crying?” one of his hyungs asks. He touches his face; he is. “Are you okay?”

“I will be,” he feels himself reply.

Hey, Y/N. I’m sorry if this is the last thing you want to see. Hell, you might have me blocked, and honestly, a better me would hope you do. Anyways, I needed to get off my chest how sorry I am. I’m not going to try to explain myself. But I needed to try to let you know that I understand what I did was selfish. And that I shouldn’t have let us continue like that for so long….

Five years later, Chan will perform a solo at a concert.

Thematically, there’s a lot going on. And the lyrics say sorry a lot of times.

The fandom wonders what inspired the lyrics.

Chan doesn’t cry when he performs it.

The ending of the song isn’t happy, but it does resolve. The sad chord makes any listener feel a little bittersweet, though.

And, from the front row, one ticket remains unclaimed.

—T H A N K   Y O U   F O R   R E A D I N G!

If any of these touched you in particular, please leave me an ask or rb! I really appreciate any feedback. Have a great day!!

[the-space-above-the-stars]

hard feelings

jung jaehyun x reader

Summary: “My mom asked about you again,” you stalled for a second as he bought up the words, seemingly innocent and nonchalant, before continuing to pour his coffee. “She was asking if you would find her a bother if she called you.”

“Not at all,” Your smile is civil, the carefully carved simply curve of your lips you’ve perfected over months, as you hand him his coffee. “You know I love talking to your mom.”

Your breakup with Jung Jaehyun left a lot of things unsaid and a lot of feelings untouched. But it’s difficult to get over someone when you see hem everyday. Even more so when you live with them.

Warnings: wine

Word Count: 4.3K

Genre: angst, fluff

A/N: I hope you enjoy this, this is the first time I’m writing for Jaehyun, so yeah. My requests are open, and this is unedited, so idk if you should have expectations going in. THERE are some parts of the story that are flashbacks and for some reason the italics aren’t working on mobile so i’ll put flashbacks in brackets.

The floor is cold as you slip out of your bed, walking on tiptoes down the hallway to your kitchen. It’s still dark outside and any reasonable person would still be sleeping, but you had chosen to make this the perfect time to go to work.

Jaehyun, you write on a pink post it note, packaging the freshly made scrambled eggs into tupperware. There’s eggs in the fridge, make sure to eat.

Your relationship with Jung Jaehyun was so strange that even writing a damn note became difficult. What words could you use that wouldn’t walk the line of romantic? How would you make yourself sound platonic for a man you still loved?

So to you, the best way to avoid this is to avoid him. That’s why you leave before the sun comes up and try your best to be out of the house once your classes are over. But it’s not easy. You still see him. Every morning at the coffee shop, when you get home late at night and he’s cooking dinner, when he wakes up earlier than you for practice.

6 months ago, you and Jaehyun broke up. And as a broke college student with lack of better lodging, he decided that it would be best for you both to continue renting out your apartment together. Only it didn’t feel like the shared apartment anymore. The pictures of the both of you that used to line your walls have long since been removed and stored away. You’ve moved into the spare bedroom across the hall, in a bed too big for you to sleep by yourself. Getting ready in the morning takes twice as long when you can’t share a bathroom with a person. You’ve become strangers.

The coffee shop is quiet as you turn the light on, the gentle hum of electricity coming to life reverberating through the walls. It’s 6:34. There’s nothing to do but wait, so you do, brewing a fresh pot and pouring a cup while you pull your book out.

[“What’re you reading?” Jaehyun hums, lofting his head from where it rests on your stomach. You’re both stretched out on the couch, his arms wrapped around you.

“The Alchemist,” you respond, laying the book down and running your fingers through his hair.

“What’s it about?” He leans into your touch, eyes closing again as his dimples show in a smile.

“A shepherd from Spain. His name is Santiago and he meets this man who tells him to go to the pyramids of Giza and find a treasure.” 

“Doesn’t that sound like a bit of a scam?” He chuckles, leaning up to kiss your lips. 

“It’s an adventure, dummy. Besides, the kid does get scammed, just not by this dude.” 

“Can you read it to me? Just from wherever you’re at.” 

He lays his head back down as you nod, finding your place again as you start to speak. “The Englishman was unable to sleep one night. He called to the boy, and they took a walk along the dunes surrounding the encampment There was a full moon, and the boy told the Englishman the story of his life...”]

Opening up old memories only invites others back in, and soon you’ve lost focus on the book and are swept into the sea of memories that was your relationship with Jaehyun. Painting your bedroom, moving in, your first date, first anniversary, first kiss, it all comes back. 

The first customer walks in at 7:30 on the dot, a secretary who always picks up 4 americanos. When she walks in, you’re already making her drinks, and she gives you a grateful smile as she swipes her credit card. “Have a nice day,” she calls back, her beige heels clacking on the floors as she walks out with a slight sway from balancing her bag and the coffees. 

Hana, your friend and the other person on the morning shift walks in at 8:00, just as things are starting to get busy. “He’s not in yet?” She asks, slipping her apron on. Her hair, dyed a ashy blonde, goes up in a bun as she takes your place behind the register, allowing you to mix drinks freely. “I must be early.” 

“You say this to me every time, Hana,” you chuckle as you hand two teenagers their hot chocolates. They come to the coffee shop to study before tests, and you sprinkle some extra cinnamon into their drinks just like they like it. “He comes in at 9:00. 8:30 if he has practice, and no, I don’t know if he has practice.” Hana has a vested interest in your relationship with Jaehyun, and you know she’s been hoping for you both to get back together since you broke up. 

8:30 rolls around and he hasn’t made an appearance. It starts drizzling outside, and you curse yourself for not bringing your umbrella. It’s a bit of a walk to the subway station, and then from your station, a few blocks to your home. Your jacket is going to have a rough day. 

Almost exactly at 9:00, a black car pulls up in the parking lot and Hana chuckles as you subconsciously fix your hair, earning her a flick on the arm. Busying yourself with the latte art a fellow tired college student ordered, you force yourself not to look up. But of course, as the bell rings, you still do. 

Jung Jaehyun, even slightly rained on, looks like he walked out of a designer runway. His hair’s swept back and speckled with rain drops, his signature dimples poking out as he holds the door open for the two girls with hot chocolates as they leave. You hand the customer their latte, the smile that crosses their face when they see the design adorning it giving you a small piece of solace. 

“Hey,” he says, smiling at you as he sits down at the counter, in the same seat as always. He’s wearing the hoodie you used to always steal from him. It’s blue, with two stripes, red and white, on each sleeve. It’s gone back to smelling like his cologne.

“Hey. Same as usual?” He doesn’t even need to nod before you grab a cup and the coffee pot, making his regular. Jung Jaehyun, ever the creature of habit, orders the same black coffee and warmed up croissant for the 12 months he’s come to the cafe.

“My mom asked about you again,” you stalled for a second as he bought up the words, seemingly innocent and nonchalant, before continuing to pour his coffee. “She was asking if you would find her a bother if she called you.”

“Not at all,” Your smile is civil, the carefully carved simply curve of your lips you’ve perfected over months, as you hand him his coffee. “You know I love talking to your mom.” A silence falls over you both as you grab a croissant and turn around to the oven, neither of you knowing how to continue this conversation. “Uh, so how’s practice going? Taeyong mentioned you guys are performing at MAMA?” 

He coughs, using the sleeve of his hoodie to dry his hair. “Yeah, it’s going good. It’s a bit difficult cause they’re trying to get all the units to perform, and then they want us to perform together. But hey, that’s what we get for the never ending members concept.” 

“Yeah, I guess so” you laugh and you’re both thinking about the same thing. 

[“Okay, okay, okay, wait, explain this to me one more time.” You’re currently sitting on Jaehyun’s lap, arms thrown lazily around his neck as he attempts to explain NCT. 

“Okay, so NCT means Neo Culture Technology, and basically we have an unlimited number of members.” You nod, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. “NCT U stands for United, which means that the members change based on the concept. NCT 127 is the fixed group, and it’s based in Seoul because Seoul is where K-pop started. NCT Dream is with all the underage members, and they stay in Dream until they become adults.”

“And then they graduate to NCT U? Or NCT 127?” 

“Or WayV,” he nods, smiling as he kisses your neck. “See, that wasn’t so hard. I didn’t even need to get Doyoung’s chart.” You both dissolve into a mess of laughter, and Jaehyun leans up to press more kisses up your neck, your jawline, and eventually meeting your lips. ]

“Um, here’s your croissant, and your drink. That’s $4.55, you can swipe your card.” He nods with a sip of his drink and takes the bag with the pastry before swiping his card. “Okay, you’re good. Uh, I’ll see you later.”  

“Yeah, I’ll see you at home.Oh, thanks for the eggs.” He waves one more time and you pretend to go back to work as his car pulls out. Home. 

“You have it baddd,” Hana says singsongedly, earning another flick. 

***

It hasn’t stopped raining all day. What was drizzling became a steady downpour that’s lasted the entirety of your shift. Groaning as you slip on your jacket, you wave bye to Hana. She offered a ride, but you’re aware her house is in the complete opposite direction and that would just waste her time. 

The store awnings provide some cover as you walk down the street, your jacket getting slightly drenched as you walk rapidly through the gaps between them. You haven’t made it too far down the street when you stop, surprise turning you into a statue. Jaehyun’s walking towards you, umbrella in hand. “What are you doing out here?” You ask, trying to hide your shivering. 

“I went home and saw you left your umbrella there. You think I was gonna let you walk home in this rain?” You can’t stumble out a response before he grabs your hand. “Come on, my car’s just around the corner.” 

It’s so quiet the walk to the car and all you can think about is that he’s still holding your hand. “I could have gone home with Hana, you didn’t have to drive out here.” 

“Hana lives on the other side of town, I knew you weren’t going to bother her for it. And it’s not a bother, really. I was done with everything anyway.” He opens your door before crossing to the other side and getting in. There’s towels laid across both seats and he pulls another from the backseat. “Dry yourself off, you’ll get sick if you stay like that.” 

“The subway station really wasn’t that far,” you mutter as you pat your hair dry. “I could have walked fine.” 

“Just- just let me do something nice for you, hm? To repay you for the eggs, let’s see it as that.” 

“It wasn’t a favor this morning. I just had extra eggs.” 

“Okay, then let me do nice things because I feel like it, okay?” But it isn’t your job to do nice things for me anymore, you want to say but you don’t, biting your lip instead and looking out the window. You’re both quiet until you hit a red light and Jaehyun’s phone lights up. Incoming call from Eun-i. His hands tighten around the wheel as he picks up, you pretending not to pay attention.  “Hi. Oh yeah, sure. Yeah, I’ll see you there. Okay. No, that’s fine. Great. Okay, see you later.” 

“Who’s that?” You ask, trying to sound casual. Isn’t being okay with him seeing other girls a good step in moving on? Then why is there such a weird feeling in your stomach? 

“Uh, some girl Johnny knows, he’s been bugging me to go out with her, says she won’t get off his back about it. You’re not upset, are you?” 

“No, of course not, Jaehyun. Why would I be upset?” Maybe something in your tone is off because he just sighs. 

“I don’t know, Y/N. We don’t really get the time to talk, since you’ve been leaving so early and coming back so late at night just to avoid me.” 

“I have to open the shop early,” you deflect, heart beating as you still avoid his eyes. “And my study group ends late.” 

“Bull.” Months of pent up feelings are coming out as the light turns green. “You leave on weekends, holidays, days when I know you don’t have class and when you don’t have shifts at the cafe.” 

“I- I don’t know, what do you want me to say? I’m scared I’m going to say something or you’re going to say something that brings the both of us 6 months back and we only feel more awkward around each other and I just-” not knowing what to say, you stop, resting your head in your palms. “I just want to go back to being friends.” 

“I don’t know how we can with both of us scared of taking the next step.” The car pulls into the parking lot in front of the apartment and Jaehyun unlocks the doors. “Y/N-” but you’re already out of the car, fumbling for the keypad as you punch the code in. 

Still sitting in the seat, Jaehyun sighs and rests his head on the wheel. 

***

It’s late. The ticking hands on the clock are nearing midnight, and instead of being in bed, you’re curled up on the couch with a glass of red wine. Jaehyun left a few hours back for his date and the nerves after your fight and the small pit in your stomach had made it impossible for you to sleep. Hopefully the wine would make you drowsy. 

How did things get so fucked up? Tracing your finger along the rim of your glass, a tear crawls down your cheek in your drunken state. You both used to love each other, you used to be able to talk about anything and everything. 

[“Do you ever wonder why we respect the dead more than the living?” You raise your eyebrow, trying not to laugh as Jaehyun, drunk off his ass, continues to talk. “No like, really, if I died today, wouldn’t people start thinking nicer things about me? Like Mark wouldn’t bitch about that time I ate his sandwich, he’d be like “Man, Jaehyun was, like, so cool, R.I.P.” 

“I’m sorry, did you just do an impression of Mark mourning your death, and he said R.I.P.?” He just shrugs and you can’t stop the laughter, getting up to grab the glass of water on the nightstand. Jaehyun, however, has other ideas. 

“Nooooo, where are you going?” Grabbing your arm, he pulls you onto the mattress and wraps his arms around you. 

“I’m just grabbing you water, dummy, you’re head’s gonna hurt from all that drinking.” 

“How are you so smart?” He awes, eyes wide as they follow your movements. You just laugh, the sound reverberating off the walls of your bedroom as he drinks the water and pulls you back down. ]

Your relationship was so- full. That’s the only way you can describe what you felt with him. Complete, whole, your heart brimming with love for this man who held your entire heart in his hand. 

From the couch, you can hear the front door open and wipe your tear quickly, taking another sip of your wine. “You’re home early,” you try to be casual as Jaehyun walks in, slipping his shoes off and taking off his coat. 

“Yeah. Date was a disaster, I’m going to kill Johnny- is that wine?” 

You smile as you grab the bottle and pour yourself another glass. “There’s glasses in the cabinets.” 

*** Many many many glasses of wine that were definitely over the recommended amount later, you and Jaehyun are both tipsy as all hell. “Re-remember that time you fell into Mark’s pool?” He stumbles out, cheeks flushed red from laughter. You nod, equally flushed as drunk tears pooled in your eyes from the heavy laughter the last anecdote he bought up had caused. “Well-well it wasn’t really an accident, Doyoung made a bet with Yuta that he could kick the cap off a water bottle, but he missed, fell back, and accidentally pushed you in.” 

“Motherfucker, I’m gonna kill him!” Laughter strikes you both again, followed by a semi-awkward silence. “I’m- I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you, Jaehyun,” you hiccuped, downing the rest of your wine. “I just- figured it’d be easier for the both of us.” 

“No, it’s okay, I get why.” He follows suit in finishing off his wine. “Our situation isn’t necessarily ideal.”  

“You can say that again,” you top of both of your glasses and clink them together, taking a heavy sip of your own. “I just realized, we haven’t talked this much since- since..” 

“Since- since we broke up,” Jaehyun finishes for you, brushing his hair back as his words slur. You just nod, averting your eyes at the mention. “I never apologized for that.” 

“For not talking?” 

“No, for the breakup. I was always too busy, and I didn’t know how to manage my time and I just shoved you to the side-” 

“Shut up, Jaehyun. You can’t cast all the blame on yourself, we both did things- said things we’re not that proud of.” 

“Can I tell you a secret?” You nod and he leans in, as if to whisper it into your ear. “I love you, Y/N.” And suddenly, the safe space of your couch and your wine glasses becomes surprisingly hostile as the red lights begin to flash. Jaehyun still loves you, and you’re oh so drink to say something reasonable.

“I love you too, Jae,” you confess out loud, your fast-beating heart skipping a beat as Jaehyun leans forward, an arm wrapping around your waist. “Jae-” 

“Just let me make up for lost time.” His lips connect to yours as he pulls you onto his lap, hands bunching up the material of your t-shirt as he plants his hands on your back. Your fingers thread through his hair as you pull him closer, moaning as he tugs on your bottom lip. “Can we- can we go to our room?” 

Our room. A room the two of you haven’t shared in months. A brief thought passes through your subconscious that you’re going to regret something in the morning, but still, you nod. 

***

You know what you’re going to regret as you wake up in your old shared bedroom, Jaehyun’s arms wrapped around your bare waist and a splitting headache thumping against your head. You can feel his shallow breaths, warm, against your shoulder as his head rests in the crook of your neck and his bare chest against your back. 

You slept with an ex. Not just any ex, Jung Jaehyun, the boy who you were sure you would love for your whole life and the boy who broke your heart and whose heart you broke yourself. 

How can you two even look at each other now, knowing that those old feelings are still there? How can you live under the same roof as Jaehyun knowing that he, too, wants to be more than exes, more than acquaintances, roommates, friends, again? 

You rest your hands on his and slowly undrape them from around you, slipping out of bed. He wrinkles his nose at the loss of warmth, bundling the blankets over his body in his sleep. 

[“Nooo,” Jaehyun whines as you try to slip out of bed. “Stay, call in sick or something.” 

“You big baby.” you chuckle, sitting up and throwing your legs over the side of the bed. Jaehyun comes up behind you and wraps his arms around you as you throw on a shirt. “It’s almost Christmas, and I’d like to prove to my manager that I should get a holiday bonus.” 

“Come on,” he moans again, pressing open kisses to the back of your neck. “Stay a bit late, I’ll make you breakfast? Give you a ride to work? Be your first customer?” 

You laugh, semi-dressed and roll back over on bed to straddle his lap, cupping his cheeks. “Get ready with me now, then, and you can get all of those things.” 

“Princess, it’s hard to cuddle someone when you’re driving.” 

“You wound me, Mr. Jung, am I only here for cuddles?” 

“Practically-oof.” You throw a pillow at him, laughing as he falls back. “Okay, now you’re going to get it.” ]

That’s how things used to be, you chastise yourself, grabbing your clothes and sneaking out to your bedroom to get dressed. 

Jaehyun, the note today reads. Hana needs help opening up today. I’ll see you later. Sausages and eggs in the fridge.

***

“NO,” Hana whisper-yells as you finish your story. “Damn, I knew you two would hook up again one day, but damn, that’s a lot to take in.” 

The overhead lights of the cafe make you wince and rub your temples, wondering when the painkillers you hurriedly took in the morning will kick in. “I shouldn’t have gotten drunk, I shouldn’t have let him get drunk, I shouldn’t have said I love you back-” 

“Woah woah woah woah woah woah woah,” Hana claps a hand over your mouth, disbelief etched in her eyes. “You and Jaehyun are literally the best couple, do you know how sad we all were when you broke up? You guys made each other so happy, and y’all have been miserable the past months, so what’s the hesitation now?” 

“If we could break each other’s hearts 6 months ago, what’s stopping us this time?” Hana opened her mouth, then closed it. “I- I’m trying to keep Jaehyun in my life, no matter how platonic that has to be. If we try again and we end up like this or worse? I don’t know-” 

The door opens with the ring of the bell and Jaehyun walks in, keeping his sunglasses on as he too avoids the gaze of the lights and sits at the counter. Your heart thuds as you grab a cup and the coffee pot. “Morning,” you try to greet, pouring his cup.  “You left again this morning,” he leaves no room for pleasantries, taking the glasses off. 

“I had to open the shop early, did you read my note?” 

“Stop giving me that shit, Y/N, we should have talked about last night,” 

“It was a mistake, I know Jaehyun, can we just move on?” 

“Mistake?” He winces as he looks you in the eye. “What the fuck, Y/N, it wasn’t a mistake to me, I-” 

“We were drunk and reminiscing, it shouldn’t have happened.” 

“No, I’m glad it did. You told me you loved me. I don’t know about you, but when I said it, I was telling the truth.” Your lips are pursed as you say nothing, and he scoffs, reaching for your wrist. “Come outside with me,” with no time to argue, he pulls you outside the shop. “What’s the problem? Are we just going back to you avoiding me again?” 

“No,” you shake your head, looking at your feet. “I’m gonna look for a place.”

“What?” Your response catches him off guard. “Why?” 

“Because- because I can’t live with you without wanting things to be more than what they are now. Without wanting them to be like they used to be.” 

“Then let them be like they used to be,” he pleads, taking your hand. “I love you, Y/N. Breaking up with you has been one of my biggest regrets, and if you want things to be like they used to be, let’s be together again.” 

“No, Jaehyun, it’s-” you try to calm your breathing, running your hands down the front of your apron. “Before we broke up, I was so in love and naive, I thought that we would be together forever, I trusted myself implicitly with your heart, and vice verse, but Jae- our breakup? It wasn’t good, it was messy and we both fucked up with each other, so knowing that we have the capability to break each other’s hearts? It makes me terrified of trying this again.” 

“You can’t know exactly what’s going to happen, Y/N,” he sighs, rubbing his eyes. “But you have to remember we’d be going into this knowing all the mistakes we made the last time. You can’t be sure with love, but all we can really do is try our best to make things work.” 

“I- oh god, what if it goes worse this time?” 

“It won’t. I know you, you won’t let it get that bad, and speaking for myself, I’ll do anything I can to avoid that.” His fingers lace through yours, squeezing your hand. “Be mine again. Stop leaving so early in the morning, come back to our room, just- stop trying to get away from me, because I’m not letting go.” 

Your silence seems disheartening, and he turns around to go back inside. But it isn’t until he grabs the door handle that he stumbles slightly, from the force of your hug as you wrap your arms around him from behind. “Okay,” your voice is shaky as you nod, head buried in his back. “Let’s try this again.” 

And he’s whirling around to pick you up in a bone crushing hug, tears building up in the corners of both of your eyes as he spins you around, setting you back down to kiss you. And the kiss, and his hands cupping your face and the way his lips are forming a smile against yours, it fills you with a sort of warmth, a sense of safety that you haven’t felt for 6 months. 

The way you feel toward Jung Jaehyun will never go away. He’ll always be yours, there will always be a space in your heart reserved for him no matter how complicated things are or the hard feelings you both share. 

Inside the store, Hana shoots you a wink, making a shooing motion to tell you to take the rest of the day off. Lacing your fingers through Jaehyun’s, you pull him down the street, just as you both used to do, running around Seoul together with the simple comfort of each other.