#it’s like 4am i genuinely don’t know why im up so early now Tumblr posts

[noahschnappinfs]

Still so disappointed that Noah wasn’t chosen to be Wiccan in the MCEU. No offense to Joe L/ocke but come on, Noah is absolutely perfect for the character AND he’s actually Jewish.

as somebody who was really into heartstopper at the time and was involved in that fandom, let me say that noah as wiccan was never going to happen. i remember the time when they were casting for that role and first, noah wasn’t publicly out yet so that means he wouldn’t have been taken into consideration in the first place because marvel made a big emphasis on looking for out queer actors for this role and second, they didn’t even bother to look for a jewish actor so being jewish wouldn’t have given him an advantage in the process anyway.

i read the casting call at the time and it was literally something like “male lead. must be this age range. this character is a gay teen with a wicked sense of humor. we encourage lgbt+ actors to audition”. i’m paraphrasing it but what i’m saying here is that it’s marvel’s fault, not joe’s that they didn’t bother to look for a jewish actor to accurately portray wiccan which is ridiculous considering disney’s usual calls for diversity. the audition process took around 6 months and they kept the identity of the character secret from joe for most of the process. he found out later in the process who he was going to play so that means he might’ve found out way later that it was a jewish character.

honestly if you asked me, knowing joe, who is young gay actor which is something that already puts him at a disadvantage in the industry and the fact, he already spent months auditioning and is just starting his career, i really can’t blame him for taking the role. i honestly blame marvel, it’s such a shame that they didn’t consider wiccan’s jewishness as an important part of the character that needed to be played by an actual jewish actor just like they thought (correctly) that he needed to be played by a queer man when as far as i know, wiccan being jewish is also a big part of his character. i know for a fact that there are scenes in the show that have billy taking part in jewish traditions because i remember what was going on when joe was filming and i’ve seen some bts pictures.

now let’s go back to why noah wouldn’t have got the role anyway. i already mentioned it but he wasn’t out or even thinking about coming out back then. he was also just starting college so he wasn’t auditioning for anything at the time either. there’s also some other parts of the character that he wouldn’t have been able to play. agatha all along is some sort of a musical in certain parts if you didn’t know so the wiccan actor must’ve been able to sing and we know noah can’t sing, he’s said so many times so that already takes him out of the running for wiccan. there’s also the fact that maybe noah, if he was out at the time, wouldn’t have wanted to play another gay character right away to avoid being typecasted. what i mean with this is that i don’t understand why there’s this feeling of noah being left out when he didn’t even want it in the first place. i’m sure he’ll have a chance to be in great projects later on but wiccan was never meant to be him. btw this is not a dig at you because i totally understand where you’re coming from, it would’ve been such a great role for him but he wasn’t chosen because he didn’t want it, somebody else who actually wanted it, got the role.

[orchideius]

genuinely, when will it end??? I am so tired of being here and I am not sure how much longer I can push myself to keep going. i’m exhausted.

[bnhaficsforthesoul]

Can we PLEASE get some todoroki fluff I miss your writing 🥺

hI IM SO SORRY I KNOW THESE PAST FEW MONTHS IVE BEEN SHIT AT WRITING/POSTING BUT IVE BEEN CONSTANTLY BUSY, also I wrote this like 2 weeks ago at 4 am and I don't even know if it's the kind of fluff you wanted lmao dont mind me 😊 (also I guess this is a college au?)

----

'Do you love me?'

Shoutos eyebrows furrowed at the random text you had sent him late at night, or early in the morning he supposed. You had told him a few hours ago that you were feeling extra sleepy tonight and were gonna head to bed early, and there was literally an 'I love you too' message above yours, the one he had sent through your nightly 'I love you' before bed. But apparently that wasnt enough.

'Of course I do, why?'

He tried focusing his attention back onto the show he was watching, but the uneasy feeling in his gut told him that you needed him right now - and he chose to pause the show and impatiently wait for your response. Shouto couldnt help but get slightly annoyed as the 3 dots kept appearing and disappearing, but still, he kept his eyes focused on the bright screen, ready to read whatever it was you were going to send him.

'Just.... Idk... its dumb... I know you love me, I really do, but sometimes I cant help but think you're just staying because you feel bad... it wouldnt be the first time someones used me for affection..."

Shouto found himself staring at your message for a while. Did you think he was using you?

'Baby... you dont really think I'm with you because I feel bad... you know me, I'm not willing to stay with someone for something as dumb as that. I love you y/n, I love you more than anyone I've ever met, please believe me. Do you want me to come over?'

Letting out a long sigh as he sent his reply, he jumped up out of his bed and went to slip his shoes on. Even if you said you didnt want him to come, he was going to.

'No! Well - if you do.... can you come in like an hour?'

'Why?'

'I dont want you to see me crying."

Its official now, hes definitely coming over. He even grabbed an extra hoodie for good measure, knowing that no matter what his hoodie would cheer you up at least a bit. Your apartment was very luckily pretty close by, only a 15 minute walk that he could push down to 10 if he moved quickly - so it wasnt long before a slightly panting Shouto was knocking on your door.

You knew who it was, who else in their right mind would come over at 4am (although you did have some highly crackheaded friends that wouldnt surprise you if they suddenly showed up this late, but right now you just wanted Shouto so you didnt even consider that).

"You weren't supposed to come for another 40 minutes."

Shouto gave you a teasing smile as he made his way through your door, even though your tear stained cheeks and puffy red eyes almost had him tearing up himself. And you really thought he didnt actually love you.

"Hmm really? I didnt notice, I was too busy missing my darling."

Not even giving you the chance to roll your eyes at his remark, he grabbed your hand and pulled you back into your bedroom, barely kicking off his shoes before sitting down and holding out the hoodie he brought for you.

"If you wanna lie down you have to put this on."

This time you were able to fully give him your eye roll, pulling a snicker from his lips - apparently even sad you still found joy in messing with him. Once the hoodie was on, Shouto wasted no time in wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you into him, falling backwards himself so that you would end up lying on his chest.

"Now, you wanna talk about it baby? Why'd you think that all of the sudden?"

He felt you nuzzle closer into him, your fists bundling up his own hoodie as you breathed in his comforting scent. Even if you were nervous to talk about what going on, Shouto always had a way of keeping you calm.

"I was just thinking about how much my life has changed since I moved here, I guess I was being sentimental. First I was all happy thinking about how I got to meet you and all our friends, and how I felt included and cared about for once. But then I remembered my whole reason for moving out here in the first place - before college, no one gave a damn about me. Not my parents, not my friends, no one. I realized how many people that were close to me had never cared about my wellbeing, but stayed because they knew that I would care about theirs. So I moved here for a new start, hoping I'd find people who did care, and I did! But I cant help but wonder if they only care because they're using me too..."

Shouto rubbed your back gently as you rambled on, listening intently to every word you said. It hurt hearing you say these things, he knew you didnt have much back home, but he didnt think that you had really never had people genuinely care about you.

"Baby, you're with good people now. We all love you, even Katsuki loves you. And you better get it through that thick skull of yours that I absolutely adore you. No one here is using you, and if they are you know I will not hesitate to beat the shit out of them."

He smiled when he heard your soft giggle, happy he was able to help lift your spirits.

"Shouto, you cant just go beating people up."

"I can if they hurt you."

"Only if they punch me or something. Otherwise, no. I cant risk you getting actually hurt."

Shouto didnt respond to that, instead pulling you closer into his chest and rolling onto his side, lacing your legs together and making it so that you couldnt leave even if you wanted to as a soft smile made it's way onto his face.

"Y/n?"

"Yeah babe?"

"I love you. More than anything."

[space-cadet-is-going-to-sleep]

hcs about my favorite crackship

NATSHIG (Todoroki Natsuo/Shigaraki Tomura)

they met playing online video games

natsuo’s college friends all play this one MMO together and convince him to join them but conveniently don’t tell him how to play so he’s essentially a sitting duck once he starts it up (sure, he could have played the tutorial but momma didn’t raise no bitch and we don’t watch tutorials in the todoroki household, thank you very much) 

cut to shigaraki laughing his ass off alone in his room while he watches this newbie get absolutely reckt.  and hey, call shigaraki what you will but, even he takes pity on people sometimes. specifically people whos ‘friends’ are actively making fun of them in the chat and are being called things that even shigaraki would never say.

so shig, being shig, kills them all (in game, though if he ever met them in real life that’d be a different story) and takes natsuo under his lvl 78 wing.  ‘just till he gets the hang of it...’

they end up playing all night long, shigaraki likes natsuo, hes funny and charming and so genuine its almost disgusting. he understands shigs incredibly dry sense of humor and gets him to laugh out loud for the first time in literal years.

on the other hand natsuos like already crushing on shigaraki, he’s cool and mysterious but also such a dork at the same time, his humor is so dry and it makes natsuo laugh like only his big brother used to be able to do, he’s oddly passionate about things...

they manage to get natsuos character up to level 10 before the sun rises and natsuo, insisting that they’re friends already, forces shigaraki to friend him on discord so they can play again later. 

and for once in his life shig lets himself indulge in the idea of having a friend.

shigaraki figures its pretty safe, they only know each other online. theres no way for anyone to link natsuo back to him (since no one, not even ofa, knows about shigs secret addiction to online gaming) so the both of them should be safe. there’s no way for the rest of the league to find out about it and tease him, it’ll be fine. its not like its anything more than an online ‘friend’...

they get in a habit, all too quickly, of gaming late at night until early morning and they grow closer a lot faster than either had thought possible

 natsuo complains about classes he knows he’ll be skipping (shigaraki jokingly telling him he needs to be more responsible despite how much of a hobo he himself is) but it doesn’t stop there. he talks about his family a lot, his piece of shit dad, his fears about his younger brother, his frustration with his sister, how much he misses his mom and older brother... he talks about why he’s going to medical school (endeavor can afford it and its the next best thing to hero work), his terrible excuse of a childhood, ext…

shigaraki complains about...other things. his ‘roommates’ annoying him, his ‘dad’ putting too much pressure on him while simultaneously never trusting him with anything, his equally terrible childhood. He doesn’t let too much slip by, it's a force of habit really but it's also just safe practice. as far as natsuo knows his name is Tomo, he works for his ‘fathers’ company, he likes cats... 

 and if every once and a while around 4am shigaraki goes off on a tangent about how corrupt hero society is and how pro’s need to be brought down from the pedestal they're on, the only comment natsuo ever makes is ‘yeah! fuck them heros!... ‘cept for my baby bro, whos gonna be a dope ass hero one day!’

they grow close far faster than either of them thought they would, not that shigaraki was planning on ever really getting close to natsuo, he was kind of hoping that natsu would give up on gaming, be it classes or boredom, so that shig would have an excuse to cut him off before things got to...serious 

but hey, everything is great for a while. its near perfect and shigaraki lets himself enjoy it, the normalcy of it is new and and welcoming and maybe that's why shigaraki slips up. all too suddenly he realizes how genuinely attached he is...

it starts slowly, slipping in bits of actual truth amongst the lies he has to tell. as far as natsuo knows his name is Tomo, he works for his ‘fathers’ company, he likes cats... but now, now natsuo knows he has a ‘roommate’ named Toga, the man he calls his ‘dad’ isn’t his birth father,  his quirk is destructive and it irritates him, likes dogs more than cats but dogs scare him...

they should meet up in person. says distance isn’t an issue, his dad has enough money to get natsuo anywhere in the world, says the only place he wants to be is with ‘...you, Tomo, I wanna see you, wanna be with you... We get along so well and I think-’  ‘Tenko.’ ‘Hm?’  ‘My real name. Its Tenko... I never really give my real name to people but...’

this is getting too long,,, i think im just gonna have to write the whole au in a fic,,,,,

[aaronhart93]

after work || zara & aaron

Discord text thread featuring: Aaron & @x-heartbreaker​​

When: early morning March 11, 2020

Mentions: -​

Description: Aaron takes Zara home after he finds her getting attacked outside of work

Trigger Warnings: injuries, assault, stalker/pervy dude

Zara

In the early morning hours, Zara’s shift is finally over. She’s been back and forth between serving in the vip section and bar tending, depending on what’s available on any given day, she picks up as many shifts as humanly possible. That leaves her tired but she continues to push through it. Tonight in the vip section, Ryan is present, just like most nights she’s working there. He’s not someone Zara would have looked twice at but she learned his name early on, as part of the customer experience really, she learned it made her better tips. It’s another night of turning down his advances but smiling through it like the trooper she is. When she cleans up her section and closes down for the night, she’s relieved that she isn’t required to smile anymore and she heads down to wait for her cab home. That’s when he appears again, offering her a ride home, which she politely declines. Before she can even turn her attention back to the street, her body is nearly thrown against the side brick wall of the building in the alleyway between the club and the building next door. The impact of her back hitting the wall and of his body pressing into hers knocks the breath out of her. When she regains her senses her hands are pinned above her head and all she can smell is the alcohol of his breath while his mouth is on her neck. Why isn’t her adrenaline kicking in, it’s like she’s frozen. His other hand his unbuttoning his pants but Zara is busy turning her head away to avoid his mouth getting anywhere near hers. “Get off of me!”

Aaron.

Aaron wasn’t typically at his bars like this so late. He had people for that, and he was already busy enough during the week. He needed to sleep at some point. There were a lot of assumptions about Aaron — some true, some not so true. But no one could say that he didn’t work hard. Tonight, he was entertaining some high profile people and wanted to make sure that everything went smoothly. He introduced himself, and even had a couple of drinks with the group. On the house, of course. Aaron knew that if he charmed the pants off of these people that it would be great for business. When the group finally left, Aaron decided to make his exit and head home to his kid and partners. He looked at the time. It was 4am and he certainly wasn’t sober enough to get in his car and drive himself back to the pent. He needed to just stop driving in the city in general...but he just loved his car. He called for his car service as he made his way out of the back entrance. He shoved his hands in his designer coat then heard someone scream. He turned towards the back alley when he saw one of his staff members being attacked by a patron. “Shit.” He mumbled to himself before making a split second decision to run up to the pair to pull the male off of Zara. He grabbed his clothing by the shoulder and socked him in the face which made him fall to the ground. “Fuck. Are you okay?”

Zara

There isn’t much that surprises Zara these days, not after what she’s been through in the foster system, but somehow this has caught her off guard. She never would have expected that this guy would even have enough balls to try something like this. Is that why somehow she couldn’t fight back? She was already looking for a reason to blame herself, as she always did. Soon the pressure of his body is a weight lifted off of hers and it’s only then that she’s able to try and catch her breath. The throbbing pain in the back of her head is kicking in and she knows there’s got to be some damage there from the force of it hitting the bricks but she isn’t prepared to feel it yet. Immediately she recognizes Aaron and is flooded with embarrassment. “I....” she can’t lie just yet and say that she’s fine but she also doesn’t want to speak not being fine into reality. “Thanks.”

Aaron.

his attention shifted from Zara to the man who was now rolling on the ground beneath him. Aaron delivered a kick to his stomach. Just for good measure. He didn’t really need to hit him again. He just wanted to make sure that he got the message. Don’t fuck with Aaron Hart and the people he cares about. Not to mention, the alcohol running through him made him think he was tougher than he actually was. He physically put himself in front of Zara and the man, who was a regular at the club and whom Aaron was sure never to allow back again. “You fucked up, man. Get lost.” He told him sternly, which must have prompted him to get up off onto his feet and scurry off. The businessman finally turned back to the woman. He wasn’t sure if he should touch her or what? Did she want a hug? A comforting hand on her shoulder? “What a dick.” Aaron looked at her nervously. She seemed....almost frozen. He took his jacket off and offered it to her, holding it out so that he could help her get into it. “Should we get you checked out? My driver can take us to the hospital.” He suggested.

Zara

this entire situation felt like more of an outer body experience than anything. it was almost like she was standing outside of her body and watching it happen without being able to stop it. she winced hearing the contact of Aaron's foot with the mans stomach, not that she didn't think it was deserved. And when he was eventually struggling to stand, the brunette still clenched her eyes shut almost just waiting for what could possibly come next. Thankfully it was retreating footsteps. Eventually she opened her eyes again, reminding herself to breathe. "im sorry i didn't mean to cause a scene." it took her a moment but she slid the jacket over her shoulders, the fact that she was physically shaking not even apparent in her mind. "ill be fine" hospital bills were not something she could even think about right now. "are you ok?"

Aaron.

Aaron was genuinely confused as to how and why Zara thought that she needed to apologize. She was the one being attacked after all. If anything, Aaron should have been sorry for not having some established safety precautions for the staff members getting out of work extra late. He’d need to work on that. It was number one on his to do list this upcoming week. “I’m fine.” He insisted, shaking his head. The adrenaline was actually still pumping through him. He wasn’t even cold without his coat. “And don’t be sorry. I promise that nothing like that is going to happen again. Okay?” He promised the other. He was confused as to why she didn’t want to go get checked out. Was it the money? Or did she not want to spend all night in the ER? “Can I are least call my doctor so he can talk to you to make sure you don’t need to be seen?” He suggested as he got a notification telling him that his ride was parked by the back door. “Let me take you home at least.” He practically pleaded with her.

Zara

The look on his face was telling her that she wasn't saying the right thing, but her mind felt like it was in so many places, yet blank all at once. She was lucky if she could even form a coherent sentence. Didn't she have mace in her purse just for this reason? Zara glanced down at her purse that was still zipped so that didn't do her any good, did it? Even though she was prepared, clearly she wasn't. And now that's boggling her mind. She didn't feel like herself. She could have done better, no doubt. She'd kicked plenty of ass in the past, what happened this time? Shaking her head she looked at him, she knew he was speaking but she hardly listened, so she just agreed when she heard the okay "okay." Reaching up she felt the back of her head, "it's just a bump." except that when she moved her hand, there was very clearly blood on her fingers that she wiped on the dark material of her black skirt. "okay. i guess i didn't have much luck getting a cab..."

Aaron.

"Okay." Aaron nodded once, relieved that she had at least agreed to let Aaron take her home. He was kicking himself for letting this happen to any employee. Maybe if he were paying better attention than this wouldn't have happened. The businessman lead Zara into the car, opening the door for her to let her crawl in first. Once he was in the car, he got on the phone with a doctor. That was the best thing about being rich - your staff was on call for you literally 24/7 because that's what they were paid to do. Zara's apartment wasn't far. Good thing because Aaron was getting nervous; she needed to get ice on the bump as soon as possible. "Do you want me to come up with you? Make sure you get settled okay." He asked, once the driver pulled over to the side. He didn't want to just assume, but he wanted to make sure that Zara got inside okay.February 27, 2021

ZaraBOT — 02/27/2021

shocked is still not an accurate depiction of what Zara felt. She’s mad at herself for not seeing this coming and not being more prepared. Why hadn’t she said anything sooner when she noticed this guy in almost every place she was, work and out of work.  The next thing on her mind was the fear that this might not be the last she saw of him. But beyond that once in the car she was glad to be sitting down, Zara didn’t realize her legs were shaking. On top of that her head was throbbing but before she knew it they were in front of her shabby apartment building. “If you want to, I’m sure I’ll be ok,” though her voice didn’t sound sure. She didn’t want to seem ungrateful for the help but her shithole apartment was also kind of an embarrassment. Her entire apartment could probably fit in his one bathroom.

Aaron.

The businessman was unsure how to respond to this. He was a guy, and she'd just been attacked by one. Should he have called one of her friends to get her or something? Aaron could see that Zara was visible upset and shaken up. Should he hold her? He was no equipped for this. The millionaire got out of the car and opened the door for her to let her out. "I could walk you up? I won't come in if you don't want me to...I just want to make sure you get up there okay." He suggested, putting a hand on her shoulder without even realizing it and guiding her slowly towards the front doors of her apartment building.

[sentfromwolves]

oc prompt game .  ( queen of the meadows. uselessness / mars & laurel ) 

< hoes b4 bros >

hwa: mom

hwa: mom

hwa: mom

starmom: son wuat the fuck its 4am

hwa: o fuck i forgot timezones again

hwa: wait

hwa: why r u up ! !!  

hwa: MOM

hwa: go 2 SLEEP

starmom: no now im here and awake and alive enough whats up son

hwa: mom we need an intervention (go 2 sleep)

starmom: jesus christ

starmom: for who

hwa: mars said he wants 2 marry the dude from his plant class (seriously!! GO. TO. BED)

starmom: that class started literally 2 days ago

hwa: I KNO!!!!! (pls, mom, for the love of everyone around u and also me, get some sleep)

aspen groans and rolls over in his bed, peeling himself away from his sheets and staring groggily at his phone. it’s not unlike mars to get fleeting, would-be crushes on other green witches in his classes. usually he’ll ogle them for a day or two, wax poetic about their ass, and then move on. he’s a tall kid with a heart of goddamn gold, and wears every single emotion he ever owns on his sleeve. it’s caused trouble more than once, but generally he’s pretty good about loving, and realistic expectations, and knowing that you can’t marry a guy you met two days ago. frozen proved that much, if nothing else.

still, he cracks open the door to his room and sidles down the hall and peeks up the stairs. there’s no movement, but something clinks in the kitchen that connects to the living room, and he ambles in that direction, wondering what he’ll find. maybe yonghwa had also been texting cobalt, who is a habitual night owl. maybe cobalt is also in on this intervention thing too. after all, their witch bonds are stronger than most. when one of them feels something too strongly and doesn’t clamp down on it, often times the others will feel it too. and aspen knows that most of them have been feeling pretty ecstatic over the last few days, the stress mitigated by the unbridled adrenaline and raw energy of diving back into classes, into a sea of new faces and old as the new semester cracks open like an eggshell suspended above all of their heads.

what he finds isn’t cobalt hunched over the fridge with three popsicles sticking out of his mouth (a regular occurrence during summer). what he finds is mars draped over the living room couch holding his hand over his forehead dramatically, a spoon hanging from his fingers and a half-empty jar of gelato (his gelato, aspen realizes with a little bit of exasperation), looking like he’s ready to be painted by a young leonardo dicaprio.

“um,” aspen says, “you okay in there, buddy?”

“aspen,” mars says. “can you marry a guy you just met?”

goddamn it. they really do need an intervention.

“no, mars,” aspen says with all the patience of a man who just woke up at 4am because his witch family are being dumbasses. “you can’t marry someone you just met.”

“fuck,” mars says, and sits up. “okay, plan b.”

“plan b?”

“i’m gonna ask him on a date.” mars looks fiercely determined. so determined, in fact, that aspen breaks out into a laugh that threatens to wake cobalt up from his dead slumber upstairs.

“what?!” mars demands, his voice pitching high. “what’s so funny?”

“it’s just,” aspen says. “no, you know what? i’m not even going to say it. okay, so you’re gonna ask - “

“hot greenhouse man,” mars says dreamily.

“you’re gonna ask hot greenhouse man on a date,” aspen says. “cool. and how are you gonna do that?”

mars face drains of all color. because for all of his open-hearted adoration for people, his poetic compliments, his easily obtained sincerity, mars has never asked a person out before in his life. in the realm of dating, he’s as good as useless, and aspen’s gonna let him flounder a bit in the blind, desperate hope that he learns how to swim.

“i’m,” mars says, sputters, and says again, “i’m gonna figure that out. right. now.”

“cool,” aspen says, planning for the inevitability of mars chickening out by the time the sun has risen in the sky. “i’m going back to bed while you do that. wake me up when there’s breakfast being made.”

mars, in fact, wakes him up later on when breakfast is (rather poorly) made.

he also tells him that he knows hot greenhouse mans name courtesy of one of his rather nosy, gossipy friends.

his name is laurel. and aspen is worried he’s going to break mars heart.

***

aspen doesn’t have to worry for long.

the moment he meets laurel, he knows that this is as good as fate crashing into his living room floor and starting a forest fire. laurel has the fucking heart eyes of the century every time mars back is turned, and for all of their early floundering, he’s a good soul with a cute smile and (currently) light blue hair that fluffs up to minty green whenever he gets excited or happy.

however, there is one big problem. the biggest fucking problem in aspens world. something that keeps him up late at night, staring at his ceiling, asking the universe how two people can be so stupid that it’s almost funny for everyone involved except it really isn’t because how is he, the good samaritan stuck between a rock and two love-struck people so dumb about the feelings of the other that they don’t even know how to act, supposed to sleep soundly when he can’t knock the minute amount of sense into his best friends head to do the right thing?

the right thing, of course, being to ask one another on a date.

“three months,” yonghwa says on the phone with him one night. “aspie, it’s been three months and neither of them have asked each other out?”

“i know,” aspen moans, hitting his head against his desk, hands in the air. “i know! they’re both like, oh wow, look at this beautiful friend i made. and then mars waves him out of the house, turns around, and starts screaming because he’s so fucking in love! how can he not just - just ask him out? how is this hard?”

“listen,” yonghwa says, “i’ve seen one whole picture of them together and i don’t think i’ve ever seen someone look at mars the way laurel looks at mars. that guys whipped. and he’s not even gonna ask him out?”

“they’re dense, hwa,” aspen bemoans, lifting his head. “dense as bricks. denser than bricks. it’s like the cauldron gave them all the good looks in the world and then was like, hey you know what? good looks? well then i guess you can’t have any braincells around each other!”

“could you,” yonghwa asks, “could you like, give them a nudge? a push? a kick in the ass? throw them off a cliff.”

“i’ve tried everything,” aspen says, and looks up at his computer screen. yonghwa is bent over, painting his toenails as he speaks, the glittery polish he’s using apparently magically scented with blackberries and vanilla. “i straight up said, now is your chance mars, go ask him out! and he just looked at me like this deer in headlights. what if he says no, he said. what kind of bullshit!”

“useless,” yonghwa says, blowing on his big toe. the enchanted blow dryer aspen had sent him for christmas dances around his head, drying out his recently dyed silver-purple hair. “i wish i was there. i would just do it for them.”

“i wish you were here too,” aspen says, breaking from his complaints to let his words flow with genuine fondness. “i’m excited for when i can finally have you back here for real. i miss you.”

“i miss you too, aspie,” yonghwa says, and smiles up at him through the camera. “it’s only a while longer. and then the whole family will be together.”

“not quite,” aspen grumbles. “laurel should be part of this family. hell, he spends enough time over here that he should be on my chore wheel.”

“ah yes, the chore wheel,” yonghwa says sagely. “you should just add him. maybe they’ll finally get the hint.”

“no,” aspen says. “they’re both fools in love. i really don’t know what to do.”

yonghwa tilts his head thoughtfully.

“maybe,” he says, “they just need to suffer a bit more, and then they’ll figure it all out.”

“maybe,” aspen replies, but he really doesn’t think so, but he pulls all of his blind hope and shoves it into that one, tiny word.

***

one month later, aspen snaps.

it starts on a friday afternoon, when he hears the door bang open and closed, and a wail reaches his room where he’s trying desperately to finish a lit essay while talking with emerson about latin translations and books that he wants to set on fire.

“i gotta go,” aspen says, glancing behind him at his door.

“gotcha,” emerson, “wanna come over and dramatically recite shakespeare with me while i pretend to care about grading these papers?”

“please,” aspen says, “i think i’ll need it.”

“cocoa or tequila?” emerson asks knowingly. “or do you want some sort of bliss tonic? I think we have some leftover from the party.”

“cocoa,” aspen says, “i love you. talk to you later.”

“doors unlocked!” emerson calls after him before he ends the call.

in another life, aspen thinks, he’d ask emerson out on a date. but harper is madly in love with him, and aspen is madly in love with harper, and so he stays out of both of their paths, knowing better than to get in the way of something that could be wonderful for the two of them.

sighing, aspen closes his laptop, stands up, and prepares for the worst.

mars is on the kitchen floor.

aspen fights two spontaneously grown thorn bushes, a snapper plant that descended from the ceiling to eat his hair, and three rows of angry, bushy cactuses that have since surrounded the open dishwasher and its surroundings with all the grace he can muster.

mars doesn’t so much as move or bat an eyelash at him when he comes to stand at his head. he’s face down on the granite, arms splayed out in front of him, and he looks, quite frankly, like he’s just keeled over and died in the middle of the day.

aspen does the nice thing.

he kicks him (gently) in the head.

mars lets out a pathetic cry.

“what happened,” aspen says, and it’s not a question.

the only other time mars poisoned the whole kitchen with toxic plants, it had been because someone had called him a giraffe and he’d cried all the way home. he’d been seventeen at the time.

mars rolls over onto his back and stars up at aspen. he’s on the verge of tears.

“oh my god,” aspen says, crouching down. “baby.”

“aspen,” mars croaks. “i’m a dumb person.”

“oh my god,” aspen says. “no you’re not, mars. tell me what’s wrong.”

he sits down gingerly, ignoring the cactuses around them, and mars scoots up a little so he’s laying with his head in aspens lap as aspen brushes his fingers through the boys hair.

“i really like laurel,” mars says, like it hasn’t been painfully obvious for four months now. “like, really, really like him.”

“yes,” aspen says. “i know.”

“cool,” mars replies, staring glassy eyed at the ceiling. “so today, i go into the greenhouse early because like, i’m planning to give him this cactus i found down at the gardens to laurel, because the needles don’t hurt at all and make little bubbles when you tickle the head.”

“okay,” aspen says.

“and there he is,” mars says, lifting his hands to the ceiling like he’s looking at heaven and laurel is up there somewhere too. “beautiful. haloed in light. perfect. the most amazing guy i’ve ever been blessed with. and he’s getting kissed by some other dude.”

okay, that’s a hold up. laurel? kissing another man?

“are you sure?” aspen asks.

laurel has been madly in love with mars for months. this story doesn’t make any sense.

“yes!” mars exclaims. “like, the cutest fucking gesture and he’s just sitting there, laughing as it happens! and i’m sitting there with this stupid cactus like, oh! that’s why he never asked me out. he must’ve been like, dating this hot dude this entire time and was just taking - what, i don’t know - pity on me or something! i look stupid.”

mars actually wails at this.

“i’m a dumbass!”

aspen frowns.

“no,” he says, leaning down to kiss mars forward. “you’re absolutely not a stupid person, mars. you’re the best, sweetest, greatest person i know. and if that’s really true - which i’m not saying it is - then laurel is missing out on something incredible.”

“but i don’t want him to miss out,” mars says, and sobs.

“i know,” aspen says, immediately planning either murder or the biggest fucking Mom Talk he’s ever going to have in his life. “i know, baby. you’re the best thing i’ve ever had in my life. and you deserve the stars.”

***

the stars hiss at aspen the moment laurel makes it into their front garden, telling him hurriedly that the boy he’s been waiting on to arrive is finally here.

aspen checks his watch.

cool, three hours since mars breakdown.

enough time for aspen to school all of his emotions into neat little lines and prepare for whatever the fuck is about to happen downstairs. as requested, cobalt is diligently distracting mars upstairs with video games and an ongoing call with yonghwa, who’s hollering memes at them while dancing to the ponytail song aggressively.

aspen goes downstairs and opens the door.

laurel is standing on his porch looking wildly out of breath.

“is mars here?” he asks, all of his words blending together into one massive slur.

“amazing,” aspen replies. “you’re both useless.”

laurel freezes.

“um,” he says, very eloquently. which is great, because aspen doesn’t have time for him to go on any sort of ramble that dodges the point. aspen’s nonexistent love life might be a hot garbage fire that he’s given up controlling, but he’s not about to let mars go down in flames over what he hopes and prays is a misunderstanding of cosmic proportions.

“no,” aspen says, shutting laurel’s mouth with an audible click. “nope. don’t talk, laurel. it’s my turn. i get to talk now. mars is upstairs, by the way. my kitchen is a nightmare. and if this conversation doesn’t go right, i’m going to make you clean every single cactus out of my dishwasher before you leave.”

“what?” laurel asks, dumbly.

“listen to me very carefully,” aspen says. “mars likes you a lot. he might even love you, and for mars, that’s a monumental thing. he’s wanted to ask you out since he met you. he’s so far down the rabbit hole of affection for you that i don’t think his heart has room for literally anything else.”

laurel sits there gaping like a fish out of water. jesus christ - had he really been so dumb?

aspen tries to boil down every strand of exasperation in him.

“today,” he says, “even after months of friendship, you kissed someone else in front of him.”

“i - what?”

“don’t ‘i - what’ me, mars was crying on my kitchen floor for two hours because of this,” aspen says. “if you really didn’t notice that he was madly interested in you and you were just wanting to be friends, then i might be able to forgive that when mars recovers. and that’s a big if. but if you were leading him on, thinking it was cute to have him fawn over you while stringing him along, i will personally - “

“waitwaitwait,” laurel says, loudly, holding out his hands. “wait, aspen! please!”

aspen frowns at him, in what he hopes is his best scolding mom stare.

“you have five seconds,” he says, “go.”

“this is a whole, big, wild misunderstanding!” laurel says, so loudly his voice has to carry out through the whole house. “the guy that kissed me was one of my old frat brothers! he was just coming by to say hi! he’s got a girlfriend and a boyfriend for godsake! it was just - just platonic. i don’t feel that way about anyone but mars! i’ve wanted to marry that guy for months now. literally marry him! i’ll even get down on one knee - “

laurel is jumping down onto the ground before aspen can stop him, even as he rushes forward, trying to stop this mess of a man from also destroying his house with blooms of crazy fucking plants. he can already see the dirt around his front yard sifting, little tendrils of greenery poking on through.

“laurel!” aspen says, loudly. “laurel, please - “

“i love him!” laurel shouts. “please, aspen. i really love him! can i see him? i can explain it all, really, i just want to see - “

“laurel?”

aspen turns around.

mars is standing in the hallway, illuminated in the soft gold of the fairy lights floating around the ceiling, swimming like snakes above their heads.

he looks stunned and a little bit awkward, his massive cardigan slouching off of his shoulders, hair a mess, eyes tear-streaked and nose rudolf-red.

“mars,” laurel says, from his kneeling position in front of aspen. “mars.”

he stands up and aspen moves out of the way. laurel crosses the hall to mars and without hesitation, takes mars face in his hands and kisses him hard on the mouth.

aspen feels like he’s part of a korean drama. he thinks he must be at the season finale, because how could anything in his life get more dramatic than this?

“oh my god,” cobalt says from the stairway, holding his phone up and videotaping the entire thing. “they really are useless in love.”

aspen knows he should say something, because the whole hallway is filling with cherry blossoms and red roses, massive lilies and blooming sunflowers. but for a moment, he just sits down hard, and agrees with cobalt’s assessment. mars and laurel are useless in love.

but their love is more gorgeous and brilliant than anything aspen has ever seen before.

and how could something so beautiful be useless at all?

come ask my flower prompt questions here!

[wanttoshine-a]

I’m about to kind of dump my thoughts here because things have been not great lately and last night I had a sudden revelation at 4am which may cause me to update rules and some other stuff so... I’m gonna... overshare. 

                                              Yeah, sounds like a plan.

The rules update doesn’t mean you HAVE to read it, I’ll possibly change them later if you wanna skip the rant haha. In any case if you read it i’d appreciate it if you’d like it or something to let me know. Thanks anyway and heeere I go.... wow I’m actually a bit nervous-

(( PD: God i’ve bared my soul there but goddamn is it long. It may be boring you’ve been warned ))

As i said, yesterday I was laying awake on my bed at 4am while having to wake up early for school and finding it hard to sleep because I was suddenly very very stressed out about tumblr, and I got thinking.

I have made one or two ??? posts @ the drama going around, since I’ve purposefully kept myself in my little tumblr emo corner so sometimes it’s as if i had goddamn ear muffs on regarding stuff. Still, seeing so much negativity and friends leaving is a bit taxing, specially for something that should be nothing but a hobby. But you know, that truthfully barely affects me at all because as I said I’ve been kind of doing my own thing... which is good, but can leave you feeling kind of lost and wondering where you fit in the community if at all, sometimes. I’ve been asking myself that a lot, lately.

Then there are the... not so nice anons I get, and while as you can see they’ll never see the light of day except with private conversations with a friend or two, it doesn’t mean I don’t see them. And even when not outright mean, comparisons were never good and I don’t like it, and playing innocent to try to get me to comment on something to get into drama is not appreciated thank u. I don’t need no help for that.

I’ve had some... small things too, which again I’m not naming and it’s definitely not your fault if I’ve apologised and as always I’d rather you people come to me than talk behind my back but still.... leaves me with a lot of worry and anxiety that I just can’t help but have.

Then there’s... there’s the fact that I’m very slow on IMS and interactions lately, which is making me feel very very guilty. It’s not your fault, and neither it is that I’d rather leave people waiting rather than answer a straight up ‘I’m sorry but I’d rather not start more interactions right now’ or ‘I don’t think our styles would work’ because I’m terrified of saying no and thus I wallow in my own anxiety until I fucking cook. It’s not nice, I know. Not a good thing to do, I’m aware. 

Let me explain:

As a few of you may know, I have depression which is even worse this times of the year, and there’s trouble IRL too that I won’t talk about. It’s so bad I can’t even get up to go to class for days and tumblr is.. a bit of a breather for me. Or was, idk. So when it comes to priorities and things I have to force myself to do, ooc talking and drama and negativity are not... not really high on the list. I just want a rest, and I need energy to talk to my actual friends here, i’m sorry.

          God, I’m so exhausted just by writing this, jesus christ.

So anyway. Thing is that I was laying on bed allowing tumblr to take time of my rest in order to be anxious and i was complaining to a friend and trading headcanons and I suddenly went-

Why he fuck am I letting this random internet people have so much control over my life?

Why, if I love roleplaying and I love my muses so much, am I allowing this petty things to taint the fun I have here? Why do opinions of people that go behind anon matter at all? Or people who I’ll never speak to for more than a minute, if at all?

Don’t get me wrong, I still think kidness takes little of you and takes you a long way but... To allow complete strangers to give me this much anxiety and weight on my choices is.... ridiculous. Absolutely fucking NUTS 

                                       What the fuck was I thinking??????

So l was going to go ‘I’m taking a break blah blah’ but ???? Listen ??? Why the hell would I do that??? I don’t wanna do that ??? I don’t want to have to take a break from doing something I like ???? 

             I love my blog, okay. I’ve put a lot of work here.

Worldbuilding, character development, headcanons, events, formatting and fucking hand drawn icons... I’m so very proud of this blog and how far I’ve come. It makes me genuinely happy and I feel accomplished.

And thus and last not to bore whoever is strong enough to have read this far I’m going to:

Be unfollowing and blocking people. First time for everything. Nothing personal believe me, but I need to distance myself from stuff.

Going to be more selective in interactions. I’m still not mutuals only but I get to chose.

Start saying no, and this is mostly to myself. ‘No’ is not a bad word, it’s a boundary and I need it.

Gonna be scarce on ims except for those that are my friends, otherwise I’m mostly in discord and even then I’m not giving it freely anymore.

Going to state that unless I say so I haven’t forgotten about your thread, I’m just busy.

If you pester me in my IMs I’m going to soft block you. Block you even. 30 messages are too many fucking messages okay.

I’m still:

Going to be commenting on people’s posts

People can comment on mine freely

Allow personals to follow me and like stuff, I appreciate it!

Start threads with new people, I’m quite open to this! Eager even.

Talk in general. I’ve not suddenly gone evil out of the sudden, I’m just looking out for my own health.

Spread positivity, because yes.

                              There’s a person behind this blog too, okay? 

I encourage interactions but I’m just human and I’m really, really tired. Roleplaying is something I love and I don’t want to ruin this. So.. yeah. Putting it all here not to make any more ooc posts and....

Hope you’ll all understand. Thank you.

[phandomsecretvalentines]

(darling don't be afraid) i will love you

Happy late-vday-early-bday @ryn-exe (can’t tag?)!!! Hope u enjoy, soz if it’s not good but i’m not so amazing(phil)

This is 2.1k words. There’s a bit of dream-violence (not in detail) and a lot of anxiety and fear so if u don’t like that stuff!! Tell me!!!! And i’ll write something else for you, i don’t mind. (You didn’t say anything i wasn’t supposed to write but idk). I’d describe this as hurt/comfort i think lmaooo

Basic summery i wrote fo myself: Dan and Phil, and how they deal with each other’s 3am fears (2009 vs 2018, now)

From a pitch-hitter 💓💓

——

[Saturday; 10.26.09; 03:37]

——

Dan<33 (03:37): phil? :[

Phil (03:45): Yrha

Phil (03:47): Sorry!! Yeah**

Phil (03:47): Why are you up so early/late?? I barely woke up

Dan<33 (03:49): sorry i woke you :/

Dan<33 (03:50): my parents went away for a bit and i’m home alone and i cant turn off the lights cuz im too scared

Dan<33 (03:51): and i can’t sleep so bad even hugging pillow cant help mee :[[

Dan<33 (03:52): so im sitting in the hallway with every light im the house on alone in just my pants

Dan<33 (03:52): and i was a idiot and missed you so i woke you up at so late and now ur gonna hate me crap

Dan<33 (03:52): sorry

Phil (03:53): I’ll never ever hate you dan!!! <<33333333333333

Phil (03:53): I’m sorry ur so scared :[[ I wish I was there to be strong and protect u again

Dan<33 (03:54): i wish you were here too

Phil (03:54): :[ <3

Dan<33 (03:58): CDAP PHIL I THINK I HESRF A GHOST

Dan<33 (03:58): IR MONSTER

Dan<33 (03:58): FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Phil (03:59): Dan oh my gosh are you okay??

Dan<33 (04:00): yeah i think but

Dan<33 (04:00): i heard something phil

Dan<33 (04:01): im scared

Dan<33 (04:02): i can’t believe im 18 and i’m actually sobbing out of fear alone and naked in a hallway over a fucking noise

Dan<33 (04:02): to my boyfriend

Dan<33 (04:02): on skype

Dan<33 (04:03): fuck

Phil (04:03): Dan :[[ i’m so sorry

Dan<33 (04:04): it’s not your fault

Phil (04:04): Want me to call you??? (If u want)

Dan<33 (04:05): can we skype instead?

Dan<33 (04:05): i want to see your face plz <3

Dan<33 (04:05): if thats okay

Phil (04:06): That’s fine! One sec plz :]

——

[Phil would like to add Dan<33 to a call (02:33)]

[Accept] [Decline]

[Accepted]

——

When Dan answered the call, his face was red and puffed and wet. Even through the crap-pixel screen quality, Phil could see that.

“Hey,” Dan’s voice broke.

“Hi,”

Dan was shaking slightly.

His face suddenly flushed, “Oh shit, I forgot – I’m, uh, in only pants. In front of you. Crap.”

“It’s fine, I’ve seen you shirtless before.” Phil smiled what he hoped was reassuringly, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah — I mean, I am now. I guess.”

“Are you cold?”

“Kinda.” Dan admitted.

“Want to go to bed?”

“My room is too dark –”

“Well, I’ll be there, wont I? And I’ll protect you from everything bad in the dark.”

“You’re not really here.”

“Only ever a few hours away. And if worst comes to worst, I have the police line and the monster-killer line. So you’ll be super safe.”

Dan muffled a giggle, “Yeah, okay.”

He shuffled up off the floor, and made his way into his bedroom, clutching the laptop tightly.

“I dunno if I’m getting any sleep tonight, honestly.”

“You will! You can cuddle your pillow and I’ll tell you stories until the demons go away and you can sleep.”

“I’m not five, Phil.” There was no malice in his reply.

“You don’t need to be five for any of that to be true.” Phil said, serious tone.

“Okay,”

Minutes later, Dan was snuggled under his covers; hugging a pillow tightly as he listened to Phil go on about some guy at the market.

“Then, he pulled a hot dog out of his left pocket. Who keeps a single —”

“Phil?” Dan interrupted, his voice was dripping with sleep.

“Mm?”

“Do you think I’m stupid?”

“No.” Phil answered simply.

“I mean – for being so scared of such dumb stuff. Seven-year-olds are braver than me.”

“It’s okay to have fears, Dan. I bet you’re not the only adult with those fears either,”

“I’m scared of the dark. And ghosts and monsters and moths and demons and –”

“– and that’s fine. I don’t mind.”

“And it’s not annoying to deal with? I’m not?”

“You will never be annoying to ‘deal with’; I promise.”

Phil meant it.

——

[Monday; 12.07.09; 02:59]

——

Phil :]]]<333333 (02:59): Dan?

Dan (03:00): yeah??? <3

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:03): I’m scared

Dan (03:04): of what :[[

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:04): I dunno it’s just creaky downstairs and I’m alone for the night I guess

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:04): Nvm

Dan (03:05): no tell me i want to help u

Dan (03:05): plz

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:07): Well it’s just that

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:08): It’s really dark and windy

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:08): And there was a tree snapping against my window I thought our house might’ve blown down

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:09): And I thought i heard thunder which usually isn'tn too bad but right now its scaring me a bit

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:10): I don’t wanna be alone rn is all

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:10): But i am brave! So it’ll be okay i think

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:10): Don’t worry about me <33

Dan (03:11): i want to worry :[

Dan (03:11): you don’t always have to be brave <333 ily and i would give you the biggest hug if i were there

Dan (03:12): and tell the trees and thnder to fuck off and let you sleep

Dan (03:12): and then we would sleep all cuddled up togerher like we do sometimes and it would be warm and nice

Dan (03:14): i wish i were there with you

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:15): You will be someday so it’s okay now too :]

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:15): But plz tell the trees and thunder to fuck off it’s very loud :’[[[

Dan (03:16): if u call me i will????

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:17): Lol okay :p

——

[Incoming call from Dan]

[Accepted]

——

“Hi!” Dan really should be quieter; last time he called Phil at three in the morning his dad had yelled at him.

“Hi,” Phil’s sleep-laced voice answered.

A booming crack of thunder, and a whimper.

“Don’t worry – it… won’t hurt you.” Despite everything, Dan was sometimes still quite new to the role of 'comfort’ in their relationship.

“I know, just loud.”

Dan wished he was like Phil. He wished he could just pull out an intresting story, a funny idea.

“Sorry.”

He wasn’t like Phil, though.

“Want to play a game?”

“What game could we possibly play through a phone call?” Dan could practically hear Phil rolling his eyes.

Dan wracked his brain for quick ideas.

“Eye-Spy?”

“We’re… not in the same room Dan.”

“Yeah, true.”

Dan’s room suddenly felt rather empty and uninteresting.

Dan felt empty and uninteresting.

“What do you want me to do?” He finally muttered.

He held his breath.

“I just like hearing your voice, it calms me down. I like when you rant about things you love.”

Let it out.

“Oh. Well – want to hear my never-ending thoughts on WALL-E then?”

“Definitely.”

——

[Sunday; 02.04.18; 04:12]

——

“Phil?”

“Mhm?” He rolled over and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, “What’re you doing up?”

“There was a moth.”

“A moth?”

“Yes!” Dan looked around the room nervously, rolling on his heels, “It’s in the lounge somewhere and I can’t sleep knowing it’s out there — lurking.”

Phil groaned.

“Fucking kill it! Or set it free, I dunno. I just need it gone.”

“You are truly the perfect mix of 'needy child’ and 'angry businessman’, Danny.”

“Fuck off.”

“Mm, lemme get a cup then.”

Phil shoved on his glasses and stumbled out of bed into the kitchen, Dan following closely behind.

“Where was it again?” He asked, grabbing a wine glass from the cupboard.

They hadn’t really drank much alcohol these past few years– since Dan had gone on antidepressents— but they still always kept the glasses, to drink Ribena and seem fancy.

“No! You’ll need a bigger cup, it’s huge.” He whined.

“Okay,” he grabbed another glass, “where is it?”

“In the lounge last I saw.”

“I’ll go look, you get a piece of paper.”

Genuine terror painted over Dan’s face, “I don’t want to be alone.”

“Christ’s sake Dan, it’s a moth, not an armed burglar. I think you’ll live.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. Now, just go a minute.”

He then ventured into the lounge, still half-drowned by sleep, when he heard a shriek.

“Dan?”

“Phil! Fucking help!”

Anyone else might’ve thought Dan was being held at gunpoint from the panicked way he was yelling.

“Coming!”

He went into the hall; Dan was standing there, paralysed with fear, as a giant moth flew circles around him. He had tears threatening to fall.

“Oh dear,”

Phil went over to the closet and grabbed a broom, spent a few go’s waving it around– and almost hitting Dan in the process— before smacking it head on.

“Aw, now I feel bad for killing it,” He whispered.

Dan was on the floor now, shaking, tears stained down his cheeks. He was in only pants.

And Phil was there.

“Well, the moth’s gone now isn’t it?” He crouched down next to Dan, putting his hands gently on his shoulders.

“Mmm,” Dan had his head tucked in his knees.

“Are you okay?”

Silence.

“That’s fine. Want me to make you some tea?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

A few minutes later, in the kitchen, with dried cheeks; “I can’t believe how much of a wimp I am.”

The kettle rang, and Phil took it off the stove carefully.

“No —”

“I know, I know, my therapist told me. 'It’s never weak to have fears’. But I cried over a fucking moth. In our hallway. It’s late and –”

“– and that’s okay.”

“It’s not okay Phil!”

“It’s fine in the moment, that’s what I mean.”

He grabbed a NASA mug, and poured the boiling water in a teapot.

“I must be exhausting.”

Phil dropped in a teabag.

He still remembered. It was a promise made at 4am; a promise over Skype to a more-than-slightly-terrified eighteen year old.

A promise made to a bunch of pixel’s with a name and a face and fear.

A promise his Dan probably didn’t even remember, honestly.

“No, I promised that much.”

“Mhm,”

He poured the tea.

“So, two sugars or three?”

“Two.”

——

[Friday; 02.16.18; 05:12]

——

Dan was on the sofa; snuggled up in blankets and watching the winter Olympics through his small Iphone screen. His eyes were heavy, he yawned.

Their bedroom door squeaked opened.

“Hey,” Phil spoke quietly.

“Up so late?”

“You’re up too.”

“Well — I’m watching the Olympics. You know it’s on late in the UK.”

“Alright.” Phil shuffled into the kitchen, grabbing a glass and leaving the cupboard door wide open.

“Why are you awake?”

“Just another nightmare, s'fine.”

“Then why did you come out here?”

His voice might’ve been read as upset – he was just tired. Half the time Dan honestly didn’t mean to come off so rude.

“Dunno,”

“What was it about?”

“Uh — I think my family was trapped, you included, and I was the only person who could save them. But I had to do something… I think, I had to open a lock to somewhere? But I was too nervous. I saw everyone die; I knew it was my fault. I saw – you know, blood. Not too much. But it’s fine.”

As he spoke, he went over to the sink and got a glass of water, adding iced-cubes; his tone was unnaturally cool and casual.

“But I heard your skull shatter –”

“What the fuck —”

“Sorry! You asked though.”

“No – I mean, that’s horrible. Jesus christ, are you okay?”

Phil shrugged, “It happens, it’s okay though. Just a dream.”

It was only at that moment Dan noticed Phil’s eyes were a little too redded, his words a little bit shaky.

Phil started back to their room.

“Are you going back to sleep?”

“Probably.” His reply was tired.

“Oh – uh, well, why don’t you stay with me and watch the Olympics? I know you’ve never really cared, not your thing, but still I think that —”

“Sure! I’ll stay, yeah.” Phil quickly answered.

“Okay.”

Phil put his glass of water back down on the counter, and walked over to the sofa. Dan opened up his blanket fort and invited Phil in.

“These are the men’s single runs.”

“Mhm,” Phil nuzzled his head into Dan’s neck, which usually would’ve bothered him, but he didn’t mind so much.

A few minutes pass, “So what’s that guy supposed to be doing? I need your commentary; you know.”

I just like hearing your voice, it calms me down.

“Well, that’s the Japanese lead skater, which means —”

[chxrimoya]

ok i guess i’ll finally get around to typing this whole journal post i meant to for the past damn week lmao.

so it’s tuesday night and i’ve ditched class last wed, this past mon and figure drawing today. i just ain’t up for it. for some reason my sleep quality is so poor, even with a full night’s sleep, i can’t stop myself from napping for 3-4 hours. it’s getting in the way of me doing stuff honestly? i get home and want to clean up my room, play some persona, or draw or SOMETHING but sleep is obviously a priority. it sucks but i gotta do it, lacking sleep just makes it so much easier for me to get into a depressive episode. maybe it’s the irregularity of my sleep? for a long time i didn’t sleep past 2am but i slept at like 4am couple of times in the last two weeks or so.  

this past week or two i’ve slowly progressed from one thing bothering me to another and now i can’t even place my discontent. general malaise, as i’ve been telling other people. hopefully writing this helps me find some fkn way to articulate myself? lmao. honestly i don’t know why, talking to other people helps me cope but hasn’t helped me confront the feelings. they’re still there, bothering me, and i would like them to go away? but they won’t anytime soon i’m sure. and i, as usual, am invalidating myself and how i feel so megakek

so i’ll talk to my journal like i’m talking to someone. 

so recently, i introduced my friend, let’s call her Nu, to my regular group of friends who i usually play games with. i invited her to a bbq at J’s house, and it’s all good and stuff, day passes. I tell her before anything, these lot of men aren’t good at all as dating options but i wouldn’t judge her otherwise, because you can’t rly help who you pick. the only two dudes that day available were J and H and both are kinda shitty, but H is way more shitty than J is; J just got his issues to work out. but fast forward, H messages me about wanting to pursue Nu, and was convinced on trying to be a better person, bc one night on discord we were talking about art and things in general, and i just flat out said i don’t think he’s a good person and he has a lot to work on? so after he says to me on FB, hey thanks i needed someone to say that to me and seemed genuine, so my kind ass heart is like ok sure i’ll help you. he asks me genuinely if it’s ok for him to ask me for help so i say yeah, ofc. he realizes hes being selfish pursing this girl because he’s never had a gf, and that J was also interested but he values himself over J. this was mean of me, but i said frankly to H that i agreed, J is in no place to have a relationship because his life is a fucking mess at home; no school, no work, car’s not passing smog and his dad and mom are still shitty as always (his dad can die for all i care). later tho J agreed with me bc i brought it up with him. anyway, couple days later me and H talk and this guy, he’s probably the shittiest offender i know, because he says autistic, retarded, faggot, gook, all in jest and i HATE him for it. i’m not gonna pick a fight because his dumb conservative ass can choke now, for all i care. i have depression and triggers that send me into episodes, so he keeps using “triggered” all casually and it bothers me. it’s disrespectful. so i ask him if he could avoid using it around me, and i see the typing bubbles for like 4 minutes and this guy is typing an essay about how i’m wrong. deletes it, sends “Lol alright” but goes onto his stupid shpiel anyway even though i wanted to drop it. accuses me of “artificially killing the word” even though i just THINK it’s disrespectful, talking to me in a know-it-all fashion because fucking men always do this. so i remember, this entire time, why i didn’t like him, so i decide this bitch is on his fucking own. but me, being the soft-hearted individual i am, didn’t get mad till couple days later and indignant about the whole ordeal. before my anger, Nu and H and me went to eat and shop a little so fucc everything seemed fine and dandy!! and even now i still help this disrespectful child because i care for Nu, even though I don’t know her well enough to be super comfortable with her. I’m naturally an open person, but the comfort i’m talking about comes with time and i just haven’t known her that long. but Nu, she’s had a bad history that ended only recently, and i honestly would kill for her bc she deserves to be happy. not being pushed around by men who vy for her attention? she deserves someone who cares and validates her, but can still set her straight bc she’s a stubborn girl. the men in her life haven’t been good to her, and she hardly had friends before i met her at work? so i want to be someone she can rely on and talk to but i don’t want her withdrawing into the comfort of a man that can’t even comfort and face his own issues without his toxic pride getting in the way. because that what H is to me. 

he calls me saturday before mothers day, 9amish and tells me he accidentally stood Nu up. he obviously feels guilty. but maybe he’s only guilty because he’ll lose his chance with this girl if he fucks up. i’m tired, i comfort him telling him it’s not his fault, because apparently he overslept his alarm and didn’t wake up until Nu called him. Nu also told me that she had been waiting for an hour for him, showed up 30 minutes early to look nice and surprise him, but when she called 30 minutes after the meetup time, she just wanted to go home. she had limited time that day so she wanted to do breakfast at 8. he wants to make it up to her with a gift, but she doesn’t want a gift, so i tell him to draw something for her bc it’s more sentimental. after the call i talk to Nu about it and she seems pretty upset actually, and after everything, she just tells me she feels “jaded” but she’ll get over it.

i don’t approve. i really don’t. i hate this guy but i can’t really be consumed to even be marginally mean to him because Nu is interested, but even she acknowledges maybe she’s been starved of proper affection that she’s just reveling in it. if this guy can’t be bothered to do me a favor, when im trying to be his wingman and get him on good footing with this girl, i’ll fucking light the bridge on fire. but it’s not my choice to make, Nu’s happiness is what matters more. but it exhausts me? i’ve been there, done that with toxic guys and it’s so exhausting. i have issues i still carry and struggle with to this day because i was manipulated and did manipulate other people, for the sake of a guy. and it’s really not worth it. as i talked to her, the friday before, we hung out and spent a whole day with each other... she has a lot of baggage. stuff she doesn’t wanna bring into a relationship. and we shared a lot of similarities with the people we’ve dealt with. i tell her, friends are here to help you carry that baggage. she doesn’t have to carry it on her own. relationships should be always mutually beneficial to both parties. why invest yourself in something you’ll never get shit out of? you end up empty and pining, and anything will satisfy you. it’s not a good cycle to enter. ive been there!! and fuck man, im still recovering. my value is in myself, not in others. and i love to help people because... simply i wish people would have helped me when i needed it. so i help others because they need it. but i wont help people at the expense of myself, at the expense of people i care about. 

but also, i just... dunno if i feel right, being some sort of arbiter for their relationship. i don’t feel like i should have this power to judge, i keep telling myself i don’t know either of them that well so i really shouldn’t be doing the things that i’m doing now? like who am i to get in the way of their happiness, judge that someone isn’t good, and say yes or no to them entering a relationship? for all i know, it could turn out well. i doubt it, because H has never had a gf and i feel his selfishness extends beyond ignoring J, and more of “finally i can get a gf and not be lonely anymore” bc i want someone to value Nu for who she is. 

maybe i’ll write more when i get to to it but this is way too long already lolol

[haynescheung-blog]

22 Aug 2018- First Day Filming

4am there’s a Canadian customer asked about my project and he said, “Well, let’s have pancakes together.” So we had pancakes together. I’m not sure if it’s because of midnight the restaurant kinda stopped serving already but still offered me pancakes, but the pancakes weren't good at all. They were so dry... well... at least now I know when NOT TO ORDER. Oreo pancakes are quite.. too sweet, too heavy. I sincerely hope it was just an accident. Otherwise I’m inviting people coming to have bad pancakes with me is not a really nice thing to do isn’t?

What I feel: There’re so many reasons why I love this restaurant. One of them is the people here never bothers me no matter how long I stayed here. But there was a waiter kinda cross my boundary. He’s a mid-aged man and he likes to touch me (shoulders, back, hands..), which I really do not appreciate it. Last time before I left the restaurant he kissed my face so sudden that I don't even have time to react so I just left. Today in the morning he saw me and he kissed my face again, even I kinda push him over. So I just told him that ‘in my culture, we don't do a lot of touching’, which I supposed maybe I’m too nice to say it. But well.. as long as he doesn't do it again, I’ll try to be nice. He seemed to be a bit embarrassed by his action. I just don't understand why I’m like a toy to some of those weird mid-aged men (just some), and I seriously feel angry about it. I don't think he dare to touch people he perceive as real woman, but then I am, I am a human-being as well, and I’m 21. I think I have to stand out for myself. It’s very rude and disrespectful to belittle others, and he doesn't even know my name.. sorry but fuck off. I’m also proud that I finally know how to protect myself and confront against men. I used to be “nice” and find a lot of excuses and even consider their perspectives. Now I can say I’m finally growing up and be kind to myself. If I don't respect myself, no one would. This is what humans are. This is the reason why I cannot trust human beings. It’s difficult for me to embrace them and myself everything. Not that I don't accept flaws and ugliness, or they don't meet my expectations. I just want to be as simple as it could be. Relationships. Connections. I know I can never understand a person fully, and this is why we are all very lonely. But then we are lonely together.

I always trying to reach somebody, yet I’m the one who built up so many boundaries; boundaries to isolate anyone gets across my border. I like to be on my own at all times, and I like talking and knowing strangers. I could spend hours just listening to them, but I can hardly build a real relationship with anyone. It could take me years to truly trust someone. I like living this way, but I begin to wonder if it would be a problem of me in a long term? 

At least I’ve got myself, and my artist teacher in HK who’s always my backup. I’m very lucky. I want to be a true artist, because artist is a genuine being. I want to be real and humble. Be who I truly am means I can fully embrace and accept myself. I’m still far away from it cause I still have to remind myself many times, but someday I’ll get nearly there and being genuine and humble will be just as natural as breathing.

2:15p.m.

I was told by the manager here that it might probably not a good idea to film the restaurant around here for privacy reasons, which I can totally understand that might not be very respectful thing to do. But then I found it interesting about their reactions of me filming around. No one has any idea why I’m doing that and what I’m going to do with the clips.

Tough from my perspective I thought I was allowed to film around.. Well, there are many workers in this restaurant and some of them are fine with it some of them aren't. Im curious of how they actually feel rather than Im feeling anything for my behavior. I do respect them, though. Especially I was editing my video in an open area, where I film with customers in it. I feel like no matter how good my manner is or how nice I’m trying to be, what I did obviously across their border. Not many people like to be seen in this way. It’s ok if they appear in my vision, but not filming it. It’s ok if I take video of the table that I’m having pancakes with some strangers, or I even stick the notes around without their permission, but its not right to offense anyone’s privacy in the restaurant. 

I guess this is the limitation. 

Am I ok with it if someone filming me working?

It feels different than I’m filming myself right.

I’m the director, which means I can take away any clips than I do not like, but they don't have a choice.

Now I’m under their eyes, I’m the one who’s being watched.

How do I feel?

When I was editing the videos, I was both watching and being watched. It is actually the same now, the only difference is, I’m the person who is being seen whatever I do, but I’m not scared, because I know why Im being watched, but they don't.

4:29pm- 

I’m just a bit tired, since I didn't sleep much yesterday as well. I started to feel a bit numb. I couldn't think very deep and fast. I just keep wondering about literally, the way of seeing. I was watching the second episode but I almost fell asleep.

What if I film myself, watching myself through my cell phone, and people watch me through the screen? I’m not allowed to film around the restaurant, but I am allowed to film myself, right?

What if filming myself makes someone feel uncomfortable because I am looking at them through the screen on the Gopro camera? 

4:51pm- 

almost fell asleep, i tried very hard to stay awake and doing sth, as long as I convince myself that I can do it, I  can do it. Everything is about faith. Someone is coming or not, I’m doing it. My mind cannot function as good, but I’m typing out some words now. Make sense or not, they keep me awake. My stomach doesn't feel really well, so I don't wanna drink coffee. It’s still far too early for caffeine anyways. If I finish this challenge, I can have a whole day sleeping. Just think of it. I need to film myself now. Because I’m sleepy. I need to document it.

[cami1822]

The 4am shift was always Jays favourite shift at tastebuds, the cute cafe that none of the so called ‘cool’ people went to when there was a Starbucks. It was a open and airy cafe, with floor to ceiling windows at the front of the building, and worn, wood panels on the rest of the walls. Fairy lights were strung along one wall and pictures were tangled in the string lights, just pictures of frequent costomers and the cafe throughout its years. Retro lightbulbs hung from the ceiling, scattered throughout the rest of the cafe. The chalk boards behind the counter were brand new because the others had gotten used so frequently that the dust had become one with the boards. Jay always had loved the cafe ever since she came here as a kid with her grandma for afternoon tea.  She loved the squashy arm chairs and the dark wooden tables.  She loved the small, vertical garden near the entrance, and eating the mint leaves off of it. She loved that it could be airy in the summer and cozy in the winter without anything changing.  Jay loved the oversized chipped mugs and the extra nutmeg that she always found in her coffee. Now, at 17 she could finally work here. Her favourite spot was in the corner by the window, with the vertical garden behind her and the window beside her, so she could see everything and the plants tickled the back of her neck. Beside the garden was a bookshelf. it wasn’t that big, but big enough that it took her a year and a half to finally get though. Jay was behind the counter, adding ‘hot chocolate’ in stick like writing to the chalkboard since the weather had reached its mid point in autumn when she stepped back and knocked a mug off of the edge of the sink. She swatted at it in mid air twice until it finally slipped from her clumsy grasp and hit the birch floor with a ‘plonk’, thankfully not smashing. She groaned in relief, and clasped its handle with her pinkie, scooping it up and into the sink.  No one was in the cafe ever at 4am and thats why she liked it the most. She could sit in her corner with a good book, and a free coffee, and she got paid for it.  Usually it was quiet like that until 6 to 6:30, when the first early risers trudged in, folding their collars back down and whisking off toques.  Jay also loved to watch the sunrise, she loved to watch it set the cafe of fire like everything was glowing a soft golden. The sunrise was always perfect because the the cafe windows faced directly towards it, and the small brick cones across the street were short so it didnt block the sun. At this time in the year the sun rose at around 5:45 which gave Jay lots of time for her to read in her favourite light setting.  She never flicked on the main lights until 6, instead turning on the fairy lights and basking in the soft glow of them with a book and blanket. ‘This stuff sounds stupid’. Jay always thought to her self whenever she did this, or dwelled upon the fact that she count be more content in the moments she spent in the cafe at that time. But Jay always felt like the cafe was her own little palace.  She felt like the cafe was a book, and every time she was in it, she was rereading it and finding tiny bits of information she had missed before, and rereading her favourite parts. No one could read the book like she could, maybe because sometimes she felt like she wrote it. Jay had hopped onto the counter and was obsorbed in a new book she had just gotten when she heard the heavy door being pushed open, a the dented christmas bell tinkle.  Jay spun around, a little too fast, loosing her balance and almost falling off of the counter.  Once she had composed herself again she looked up to see a tall lanky guy with chattering teeth and big black frammed classes sliding down a thin nose. His hands were deep in his pockets and he was trying to smile sheepishly thought his noisy teeth.  I raised my eyebrows, and nodded to the chalk board. “I just added hot chocolate to the menu, want some?” She asked. He nodded and bit his lip to stop the chattering. “More like need some, thanks.” Jay slipped off the counter and started to make the hot coco. “So, why are you here at 4 in the morning?” She asked, heating up milk. “same reason you are.” He seated himself in Jays corner after a carful selection, and jay didnt know weather to be proud of irritated. “To make money?” Jay smiled. He studdied her for a minute before replying. “Well no, im here to, to be _here.” _Jay raised her eyebrows again and started to shake to can of whipped cream. “Obviously, someone our age would not work to 4am shift here unless they really wanted to.” Thats when Jay realized that he was around the same age as her, and also not wearing any jackted but a too big worn out hoodie. “And how do you know I wasn’t a fill in for someone else?” I asked him another question. “Because if you were you wouldn’t have asked me why I was here genuinely unless you were checking me out, which you weren't.” Jay could tell she had an amused look on her face and the guy smiled at her when she sat the steamy mug down in front of him. “Whats you're-” “Sawyer” He cut me off with a grin (the chattering had stopped) “I swear im not this cocky all the time.” I laughed slightly and sat down in the chair across from him. “Nah I can tell, your a real teddy bear inside aren't you sawyer.” Sawyer grimaced slightly, scrunching up his nose. “I wouldnt go that far.” “awe you just proved it.” Jay bit her lip and watched as he shook tiny water droplets out of his dark hair. “You're not the only one who can read people.” She smiled as he tilted his head to the side and raised an eyebrow. “So give me a reason why you're here, of why you want to be here.”  Sawyer licked his lips and curled his fingers around the mug taking a sip. “Wow this is good! what did you put in it? Was it-” “Nutmeg.” she finished. “It tastes like Christmas.” He beamed down at the drink. Jay laughed and shook her head slightly. “Thats the point. You still haven't given me a reason.” “Why can't a guy just go to a nice cafe without getting questioned about it?”  He asked taking another sip and peering at Jay over the brim of his mug. “because you're right, no one our age wants to be up at this time at night, unless theyre at a party.” He sighed into his hot coco, sending rippled across the surface. “You are not going to give up on this are you.” Jay shook her head slightly and looked down at her lap surprised to see that she had brought her book over without even realising it. She traced the new spine with her index finger waiting for Sawyer to say something. She had started to space out when sawyer gasped. “What?” Jays voice was slightly scratchy because of the lack of use and alarmed tone. “That. Is my favourite book.” He was looking at it hungrily, with his lip between his teeth and hands tight around his mug. “Jules Vern hey?” Jay asked thankful that he appreciated it. “Journey to the centre of the earth. Its genius. I love it.” He grinned up at jay half of his face in the shadows becuase of the fairy lights. He looked like a mad man. “Just got it yesterday for the shelf.” Jay pointed over to the bookshelf and sawyer got up, still sipping on his drink to look at it. “You like reading?” Sawyer asked, running his hands along the spines of the books. “I love it.  Mostly just fantasy and sci-fi, but I like a good horror book to.” “Huh. It sucks, books are going out of fashion, and people just don't like them anymore when you can watch tv.” “I know, barely any of my friends read and whenever I pull out a book they dont seem to get it.  They always ask me why I read for fun...” Jay trailed off and gazed out the window, tucking her feet underneath her. When she looked back sawyer was sitting back in his chair squinting at her. “The reason im here is because I was at a party. My friend dragged me out and I was there til about one just reading with the cat curled up on my lap. I got kicked out by some drunk collage student. He actually kicked me.” Sawyer rolled up his jeans to reveal a deep gnash on his shin, and Jay scrunched up her nose and went to get the first aid kit (it was usually there for herself when she smashed a glass and cut herself, but there was always that one customer). “I dont think he meant to but he said I was ‘to much of a boring character’ to be at a party, so I left. My friend was still at the party, already drunk so I started to walk home, but...I kind of got lost.  Anyway I found my way back into town and I realized id never been to this part of it, with the cobble streets and alleyways, you know what im talking about right?” Jay nodded. “Well I walked around here for like 2 hours and its so beautiful. I can't believe I've never been here.  It looks like Rome almost. Everything was just quiet and I was the only one out. I dont know, its weird to see a town that is usually really busy all quiet and dark. SO now im here. Does that answer your question?” “So you’ve never been to the older part of town?” Jay questioned, awestruck. “Nope.” “Well I can tell you one thing, its way cooler then the new parts with the big buildings and tall condos.  Also the people are more fun here, no offence, but you must be filthy rich to have never been here.”  Jay spoke a tiny bit louder then she had before, unzipped the first aid kit at the table. Sawyer had an amused smile on his face and tried not to laugh. “Actually, I just moved here 3 months ago, and we are probably living in one of the worst apartments in town.” “Oh. Shit.” Jay whispered. “sorry about that whole thing, ive kinda had bad experiences with the richer people...” “but....” Sawyer edged her on. “My grandma just recently died, and she had a lot more money then she should have living down here. I inherited it all, so I guess I can't really be talked.” Jay spilled some peroxide on sawyers cut and he hissed. “Oh hush you’re fine.” Jay rolled her eyes. “Im sorry about your grandma, you were close?” Jay nodded, and started to gingerly wrap gauze around his leg. The two were quiet as she finished up. “You didnt have to do that.” Sawyer said in a low voice. “Actually, if a customer has an open wound in the shop, I have to clean he or she up because it is not sanitary for the food and it could disturb other customers.” Jay smiled slyly as she went to put away the kit. “Oh so im not special then.” Sawyer mumbled with false disapointment laced in his voice. “Nah its just the rules I'm following.  You want some more?” Jay pointed to the empty mug and had already started to make it before he could answer. Sawyer got up and leaned against the counter with a sleepy smile plastered on his face. “Do you always work this shift?” “Nah just when I dont have school the next day.” Jay Handed him another cup and started to make one for herself. “So what books do you like?” She asked, tucking a strand of hair that came loose from her pony tail behind her ear. “Science fiction all the way. I guess I read some fantasy, but for the science aspect of it.” “Do ya like Harry Potter or lord of the rings at all?” “I mean ive read all of them but none of them could be real, so theyre not my favourite.” “Then why do you read books?” “What?” He tilted his head to the left. “People usually read books to escape, or to travel into a different reality. If you dont like books that can't be real, why do you read?” “For knowledge.  I read to know things. To learn new things, but I guess your right in a way. I mean yeah, thats part of it.  I guess I never thought of it that way but now...” He trailed off and looked slightly confused. “I think thats exactly why I read. I always do it when im stressed or upset.” His eyes were wide and he had a half smile on his face. “well now I feel stupid.” Sawyer muttered looking down at his hot coco a smal lsmile still in place. Jay laughed. “Dont, you’re not the one who works the night shifts just because you like it here more then your own home.” “Tough home life?” Sawyer looked up “Yes. No. Not really sometimes its great sometimes its not. I just like it here.  Especially when its quiet.”  Sawyer nodded, licking whipped cream off of his finger. “Is this your music?” He jerked his head up, indicating to the soft jazz music sounded from them.  Jay blushed and bit her lip. “Yeah, I don’t usually listen to jazz, but I made a playlist for the cafe. I dont know I thought it was nice.” “Its great actually, you have nice taste in jazz.” “Ha. Thanks most people don’t appreciate how much better it can make a room feel, music I mean.”  Jay let them back over to her corner, this time taking her seat back, forcing him to raise his eye brows and sit in the seat across from her. “Sawyer there is something you should know.” All of a sudden Jays face went very serious and sawyers smile slid off his face. “This seat right here, with the mint behind me and the window beside me, this is my seat.” Jay grinned and plucked a mint leaf off of the garden wall, and slipped it into her mouth. Sawyer started to laugh but was cut off suddenly by a blinding light. “Whoa...” Sawyer shielded his eyes and looked out the window to see the marvellous sunrise taking action.  Jay closed her eyes and let the warm glow wash over her like she had swum up to the top of the ocean and had broken its subtle surface for the first time.  Sawyer lowered his arm and blinked a few times. Everything had turned golden in the cafe, and he watched the dust particles dance in the sunbeams. He wondered briefly why the sun didnt always cast this glow on everything. He looked at Jay, who still had her eyes closed, and started to grin stupidly. Jay opened her eyes a moment later, to see sawyer staring at her. “What?  Whats wrong?” “Are you bliss?” He asked drunkly, with a ridiculous smile. Jay scrunched up her face and chucked the balled up napkin she had at him. He tried to duck but it ended up hitting him in the forehead and falling into the last of his hot coco. “Shut up.” She muttered. “You really love it here.” “Yeah, its like my panic room.  I have everything I will ever need right here.” “Hey I still don’t know your name.” He pipped. “Oh yeah, its Jay.” “Nice to meet you Jay.” “You too sawyer.” “Whats with the mint leaves?” Sawyer asked stoping her halfway from slipping another into her mouth. “try one.” She passed him the leaf and he raised his eyebrows in uncertainty. Jay rolled her eyes.”Just do it you wimp its a leaf, its not gonna bite you back.” Sawyer glared at her but couldnt keep a smiled from coming across his face. “It tastes sweeter then I thought.” He said after eating it. “Thats because I grow them, and I grow them with amazing talent and spectacular care.” This time sawyer rolled his eyes. “Does that mean you like to cook too?” He asked. Jay started to giggle. “If i ever try to cook anything but grilled cheese again, I will definitely burn the town down.  Plus its grimy, you have to clean after, even  if you dont even make it to the final product because you keep eating the ingredients separately.Its a waste of my time.” Sawyer laughed but then put n a fake face of seriousness. “Cooking is a science.Baking is an even better science.  I can't believe you, you make drinks right? You should love it.” “Drinks are different. I know exactly what everyone likes by just the way they say hello, even if I dont know them. Drinks are someones personality.  Food is just food.” “I bet I could change your mind on that.” Sawyer muttered slightly distracted. “And hows that?” “I could cook you a meal at my house say 7ish?” Sawyer didnt really know what he was saying, but when he realized it, his eyes widened and he whipped around to see Jay looking at him with a half smile on her face and her head tilted to the side.  She had pulled her legs up criss cross and her strawberry red hair was coming out of her pony tail at the front and framing her face perfectly (It was just grown out of bangs). Sawyer licked his lips nervously. Jay let out a short breathy laugh and then leaned forward, tugging sawyer towards her by the neck of his hoodie. She pressed her lips against his softly,  they were chapped and tasted of mint and chocolate and sawyer melted into her, reaching up to touch her chin just slightly. He had closed his eyes leaning in, and he opened them just halfway, to look at her freckles and her closed eyes through his glasses. He smiled on her lips and so did she. Thats when he heard a word Christmas bell go and the gruff huffs of a man. “What does a guy have to do to get a drink around here?” The man asked. Jay fell out of her seat. She clumsy stood up, flushed, and then bent down  to whisper ‘triple shot americano with whipped cream’ into his ear. For a minute he was confused. “morning sir what can I get you today?” Sawyer turned around to watch Jay serve the man. “So you're the barista here? Maybe you should be waiting tables instead of making out with your boyfriend.” Sawyer looked around at the spotless tables and empty chairs, enternally screaming. “Im very sorry I will keep that in mind.” Jay still had a smile fixed on her face. “Ill get a triple shot americano with whip.” Sawyers jaw dropped and Jay grinned to herself as she started to make the drink. A few moments later Jay passed the man his drink as he payed but the man didn't move. “Are-are those rainbow sprinkles?” He stuttered, his eyes flipped from the drink to Jay. “Yup, just a touch I thought id add.” All of a sudden the mans face split into a toothy grin. “Thank you miss.” He croaked. “Have a nice day sir.” She smiled again. And the man put a 5 dollar bill in the tip jar. Once he left, Jay sat back down with sawyer. “Thats how its done Sawyer. I earn money by making peoples day and its a talent few have.”  Jay had a smitten air around her and sawyer grinned. This time sawyer pulled her in for a kiss, and she let out a gasp of surprise. Then he scribbled down his address on a napkin, paid for his drinks, and put 6 dollars in the tip jar, just to one up the man. “You didnt really just do that. Tell me, I'm not going to date a guy who is that petty.” Jay crossed her arms. “Shut up Jay I'm a big teddy bear inside.” And with that sawyer left the cafe and Jay, who had never felt like her own little panic room could do anything more for her. *** a lot of spelling errors and run on sentences but hey, to my 2 followers out there what did you think

[brophyblam]

Write What You Know 1st Place Winner: “Woven Essay” by Jack Cahill ’17

House Fight - Strand A

Christmas time is always a bit dysfunctional at the (name redacted for anonymity) house. Christmas 2005 was such a year. Mom is in the kitchen, struggling to whip up a gluten free meal, frantically running back and forth to find new ingredients. Dad is in the family room, watching a Fox News special about the War on Christmas. I sit next to him and ask him what beer tastes like.

“Beer can kill you,” he says. “Ok,” I say nodding my head.

A light snow falls outside, dotting our rural Pennsylvanian backyard, coating the dead trees in a beautiful light blanket.

“When is Gus coming,” I ask. “Uhh...maybe half an hour,” my mom says somewhat nervously. “He has a new girlfriend, so be on your best behavior.”

Around six, Gus walks through the front door.

“Grandpa,” I yell! “Hey,” he grunts. His arm is wrapped around his girlfriend, Anna, who is about thirty years younger. With her long brown hair and curvy hips, I was really proud of my grandpa for landing that.

“Hey dad,” my mom says. She hugs him and he cracks one of his rare smiles. Grunting again, he walks away. Presumably into the liquor cabinet, not that I understood that then.

…..

That Christmas Eve I’m sitting in the basement, playing with my toy cars. I have a Volvo S60 figurine, and I push it across the tattered carpet, hoping that I can get more toy cars for Christmas.

As I make car sounds, I hear other sounds upstairs.

“You’re a freaking bitch!” “Screw you you balding old prick!”

Tears swelled up in my eyes. Such abrasive, horrible, deplorable words - they were so foreign to me.

My mom was upstairs, shielding Anna from my grandfather. He was stumbling and slurring his speech, I thought something was horribly wrong. Did he have rabies?

“Gus, get the hell out of our house,” my dad says firmly.

Before Gus packed and left, however, he walked upstairs to my room and left an assortment of toy cars on my bed.

“With Love, Gus,” the present reads.

He even carved a miniature parking lot for me to place the toy cars. In that moment, I knew he loved me. But I also knew he had demons. That night, my mom walked into my room and turned on the Toy Story nightlight. She smiled, but in a sad way, her face was visibly red from crying.

“Your grandpa is an alcoholic, Jack.”

Red Jaguar - Strand B

“Whaddya think, Jack,” he asks, taking a swing at his cigar. “It’s pretty.” “Of course it’s damn pretty, if this car were a woman, I’d marry it.”

The Jaguar XK8. Sleek and red as a model’s lipstick, droplets of rain shined on top of the roof, reflecting the beautiful car in the coming sunshine.

“Let’s drive this son of a bitch.” “Okay.”

I hop in the passenger seat and he whips the Jaguar out of my driveway, the smell of creosote after a rain permeating my senses. We pull out of the neighborhood, and he clutches the car into sixth gear, and we fly down Pima Road, the humid, post monsoon wind throwing my wispy blonde hair into disarray.

Grandpa Gus reaches for his water bottle, takes a big sip, and puffs on his cigar. Being thirsty, I reach for the water bottle and take a sip, but immediately spit it out. It’s so harsh and acidic and bitter.

“Don’t drink that, Jack.”

“Is that…”

“Yeah, if you tell your mother, I’ll tell her about that magazine you have.” Blackmailed by my own grandpa, gotta love it.

We make a U-Turn at Frank Lloyd Wright Rd, and he keeps the car at as high a gear as possible as he goes 105 up the steep incline of Pima.

“God bless this machine,” he says laughing.

I didn’t see that Jaguar for another eight months. When I saw it again, I was in Missouri.

I walked through snowdrifts and the blustery wind up the winding road in St Joseph Missouri. In front of me was his house, or what used to be his house. Bill Faulkner is in the front yard, placing a “For Sale” sign in the snow, but I focus on the red Jaguar, covered in snow. It looks sad, like a dog without an owner. It looked widowed, orphaned.

“Don’t talk about it so loud, Bill,” I hear my mom say from a ways away. “The kids are right over there.”

Strand C - Dr. Engelsa

“You have to tell me something.” “I don’t want to,” I say crossing my arms and pouting.

Ms. Engels sighs and takes out her red pen, jotting down some notes.

“Is it because of your grandpa,” she asked. “No - it’s been since before he died.” “Then what is it?” “I told you, I don’t know!”

I was becoming increasingly frustrated, my legs were bouncing restlessly, and I glanced at the clock.

“You’re here until I say we’re through, do you understand,” she said, noticing my wandering eyes. “Yeah.” “Yeah or Yes.” “Yeah,” I say, trying to be a smart ass.

I sit there in silence for about twenty seconds before she takes out her pen and starts interrogating me again.

“When did it start?” “Maybe last year? I don’t know.” “So 4th grade?” “Yeah.” “You mean yes, Jack, you mean yes.” “Yeah.”

At this point, I find myself being crushed by frustrations and anxiety, so I ask her;

“I have a lot of homework, can I go now?” “Fine, I’ll see you next week.”

I walk out of the dreary, sterile room and into the poorly lit hallway. Pictures that are supposed to convey happiness, pictures of families rolling around in the grass, pictures of beaches and sandcastles are plastered all across the wall. I want to knock those photos down.

I see my mom in the waiting room and we walk out to the car.

“How was it,” she asks in a hopeful tone. “Well...she’s mean, I don’t like her.” “Ok - but we need her to get your medicine.” “I don’t want my medicine.” “I know you don’t, but you need it.”

Strand D - Austria

   A light drizzle falls and is illuminated in the eerie moonlight. Streetlights flicker, showing me the way to go. The grand clock in the village center strikes 4am, and the entire town square echoes with a loud chime. I glance at the street sign, shrouded by early morning’s mist;  “Verlassen St Wolfgang im Salzkammersgut/Leaving St Wolfgang.”  I nod silently and continue walking. To my left, the Austrian alps, to my right, the stunning blue waters of Bad(Lake) Wolfgang. A lone Audi driver rolls down his window and slows down to ask me; “Sind sie gut?” “Ja, ich bin perfekt, danke.” I keep on walking, occasionally stopping to glance at the scenery. I soon exit the village and am drawn into the countryside, enamored and stricken with the natural beauty of it all. The lush green, snow capped mountains, the lake glistening in the sunrise. I smile a genuine, natural smile. I missed that feeling, that feeling of calm. Despite this, I keep walking. I walk until my legs nearly go numb. I walk until the two lane, winding countryside road comes to a sudden halt. By this point, the clouds have covered up the sun, and a summer storm is coming in. I wipe the sweat off my forehead and take a right at a dirt trail with a sign that simply reads;  “St Wolfgang, 13 KM.” 13 kilometers away from the hotel, just fantastic. The light drizzle soon turns to a steady downpour, but I don’t care. In the distance, I see a quaint, cozy little village, like something you may see in a Berenstein Bears book, or maybe a German fairytale. A few dogs hide under a tree to shield themselves from the rain, and as I go to pet one, a man stops me. He looks no older than twenty and has a droopy facial structure. With his overalls and childlike, yet red face, I assume he is a farmer’s son. “Wie Gehts?” His German is lacking - he is clearly a native speaker, but his slow mannerisms and style of speech leads me to believe that he is cognitively deficient. I spoke German with the man, but for the sake of simplicity, I will use English in the dialogue. “I’m fine, thanks,” I say hoping to avoid a conversation. “Why are you here?” “I don’t know, I went for a run.” “You are wet.” “I know, I don’t control the weather.”

 He failed to understand the joke, but he was smart enough to understand that I was lying to him. “Why are you really here? What are you running from,” he asks. “I’m exercising.”

“You are big child.” “Thanks, I think.”

….

“Are you sad?” “No,” I say insistently. “I mean...I’m not happy, but I’m not sad. I don’t know what I am.”

He seems to understand my broken German and pats me on the back.

“We all lose things,” he says. “We all go through the trouble, we all go through the (crap) - but everything is pretty.”

We didn’t say anything more - he just looked at me and then pointed to the serene mountain ranges in front of us and nodded. Slow as he may have been, he was wise. I arrive back at the hotel by around 11am, still surprised by the strange event that had just transpired. Regardless of how absurd and surreal it is, I smile, I take a shower and smile widely, knowing that I feel a bit more calm. I feel more calm because of the little things.