#it’s hard especially as a closeted trans + fat person

[big-dick-moneybags]

i wish I had some kind of personal style. i should do better than a t shirt and jeans but every time i try anything else I can’t help but feel ridiculous

[stereothinker]

Generally I think Pratchett writes in a strange cross between the everyday and fairytales. The actually mundane people just don't get featured in his stories. If they do, they become fairytale characters at least a little bit, especially in his earlier books.

The seventh son of a seventh son may not be magical and may be named Bob, and so not be important, *but* actually he's still important anyway (if not because magic). All witches are This (except that one who's That, and that's odd) (except is it really odd, or is this just the first male witch to come out of the broom closet and therefore he almost certainly is odd, just because being the first to publicly declare any new identity combo requires some bravery that usually coincides with oddness?).

Fairytale characters are of course very smart, or very dumb. They are very beautiful, or very ugly. They do feats of heroics because of their specialness. Pratchett's writing just allows them to also say the word bollocks, and complain about mediocre food, and wonder about doing the washing up. But they are still basically fairytale characters, especially the ones outside of the Ankhmorpork-centric books. In the Tiffany books he even kind of leans into it, imo, since Tiffany herself views the world in story terms.

I do think his last five or ten books are better about this. There are definitely still binary modes of thinking, but by the end of his career he'd made dwarven trans allegories (accidentally, but he leaned in when it was pointed out to him!), he'd gotten angrier about powerful people treading on the poor, and he'd been on the internet long enough that he was more than aware of readers' opinions of his characterizations' shortcomings. He's also run out of plots like "movies come to Discworld and it goes badly!" And "rock n roll comes to Discworld and it goes badly!" More complex plots, more well-thought-out feedback, more established lore, and more complicated messages all lead to him writing more in-depth characters, in my opinion.

I know you have also mentioned not liking his portrayal of fat characters, for example, but I found one of the leads in Unseen Academicals to have a much more approachable tone regarding that. She's just A Person, a random kitchen worker, and her fatness is remarked on by the narrative, but it feels more like the narrative replicating a fat person's self-deprecating inner monologue, not making jokes at her expense. She's just a person who has flaws, and is involved in The Plot, and happens to be fat and hard on herself about it.

Edit to add: oh but I do think you may have an issue with the other main female character at first, she is portrayed Very Dim and Very Beautiful for a lot of the book.

One of the things I do notice in Pratchett that I don’t agree with is it seems all his characters are either the cleverest one in the room or adorably dumb as a box of hammers, and nobody’s just… of average intelligence. (Which I’m not sure is a thing that exists, but it’s a useful couple of words to call the thing I’m seeing too little of.)

It feels a bit weird. Not quite as self-congratulatory as I feared, but it’s there, like that mosquito you just know is still in the room with you because you just heard it buzz again.

[richincolor]

Ahead of Latinx Heritage Month, here are four books by Latinx authors we read and loved this year!

Fat Chance, Charlie Vega by Crystal Maldonado Holiday House || Group Discussion

Charlie Vega is a lot of things. Smart. Funny. Artistic. Ambitious. Fat.

People sometimes have a problem with that last one. Especially her mom. Charlie wants a good relationship with her body, but it's hard, and her mom leaving a billion weight loss shakes on her dresser doesn't help. The world and everyone in it have ideas about what she should look like: thinner, lighter, slimmer-faced, straighter-haired. Be smaller. Be whiter. Be quieter.

But there's one person who's always in Charlie's corner: her best friend Amelia. Slim. Popular. Athletic. Totally dope. So when Charlie starts a tentative relationship with cute classmate Brian, the first worthwhile guy to notice her, everything is perfect until she learns one thing--he asked Amelia out first. So is she his second choice or what? Does he even really see her? UGHHH. Everything is now officially a MESS.

A sensitive, funny, and painful coming-of-age story with a wry voice and tons of chisme, Fat Chance, Charlie Vega tackles our relationships to our parents, our bodies, our cultures, and ourselves. -- Cover image and summary via Goodreads

Meet Cute Diary by Emery Lee Quill Tree Books || Review

Noah Ramirez thinks he’s an expert on romance. He has to be for his popular blog, the Meet Cute Diary, a collection of trans happily ever afters. There’s just one problem—all the stories are fake. What started as the fantasies of a trans boy afraid to step out of the closet has grown into a beacon of hope for trans readers across the globe.

When a troll exposes the blog as fiction, Noah’s world unravels. The only way to save the Diary is to convince everyone that the stories are true, but he doesn’t have any proof. Then Drew walks into Noah’s life, and the pieces fall into place: Drew is willing to fake-date Noah to save the Diary. But when Noah’s feelings grow beyond their staged romance, he realizes that dating in real life isn’t quite the same as finding love on the page.

In this charming novel by Emery Lee, Noah will have to choose between following his own rules for love or discovering that the most romantic endings are the ones that go off script. -- Cover image and summary via Goodreads

Simone Breaks All the Rules by Debbie Rigaud Scholastic || Review

Simone Thibodeaux's life is sealed in a boy-proof container.

Her strict Haitian immigrant parents enforce no-dating rules and curfews, and send Simone to an all-girls school. As for prom? Simone is allowed to go on one condition: her parents will select her date (a boy from a nice Haitian immigrant family, obviously).

Simone is desperate to avoid the humiliation of the set up -- especially since she's crushing on a boy she knows her parents wouldn't approve of. With senior year coming to a close, Simone makes a decision. She and her fellow late-bloomer friends will create a Senior Year Bucket List of all the things they haven't had a chance to do. On the list: kissing a boy, sneaking out of the house, skipping class (gasp!), and, oh yeah -- choosing your own prom date.

But as the list takes on a life of its own, things get more complicated than Simone expected. She'll have to discover which rules are worth breaking, and which will save her from heartbreak. -- Cover image and summary via Goodreads

Fire with Fire by Destiny Soria HMH Books for Young Readers || Review

Dani and Eden Rivera were both born to kill dragons, but the sisters couldn’t be more different. For Dani, dragon slaying takes a back seat to normal high school life, while Eden prioritizes training above everything else. Yet they both agree on one thing: it’s kill or be killed where dragons are concerned.

Until Dani comes face-to-face with one and forges a rare and magical bond with him. As she gets to know Nox, she realizes that everything she thought she knew about dragons is wrong. With Dani lost to the dragons, Eden turns to the mysterious and alluring sorcerers to help save her sister. Now on opposite sides of the conflict, the sisters will do whatever it takes to save the other. But the two are playing with magic that is more dangerous than they know, and there is another, more powerful enemy waiting for them both in the shadows. -- Cover image and summary via Goodreads

[femmefoxbeast]

I’ve been thinking a lot about body positivity and self-image and how to deal with that as a trans man.

This is a long post. The rest is under a read more because of this. It’s a bit rambling too. I’m just working through my thoughts.

CW: surgery mention, abuse mention, unhealthy eating/thoughts about eating mention, lots of discussion of social beauty ideals and how people are treated poorly for not meeting them. Nothing graphic though.

The pressure to transition into an ‘ideal man’

So - in September I had top surgery. It was definitely the right decision and (combined with starting testosterone in July 2019) it’s had a huge positive impact on my mental health. I look at myself in the mirror and finally see myself looking back. I feel like life is full of possibility at the moment. It’s pretty great honestly.

Here’s the thing - I’m chubby - I was in an abusive family situation for a while and ended up with some food issues which resulted in me losing a fair bit of weight and then putting a bunch back on.

Because I’m a bigger guy I’ve got dog-ears (excess skin and fat) at the ends of my top surgery scars. I feel mostly okay about them and am not planning to get a surgical revision. But I feel weirdly guilty about being okay with them.

I feel like there’s this pressure and expectation that if I want to look like a man (and I do because that’s what I am) then I should look like society’s ideal of a man. People seem to think I should want to be thin and muscular and to have a sharp jawline and just the right amount of body hair.

But to be honest I don’t want that. And I feel guilty about not wanting that.

I have a lot of conflicting feelings about this - on one hand, I have this feeling that I’m doing something wrong or wasting my transition somehow? Logically I know those thoughts aren’t mine - I know that this external pressure I’ve experienced has put these thoughts into my head. But the idea has bedded itself surprisingly deep into my brain so I haven’t been able to get rid of the nagging voice going ‘you’re doing it wrong’.

On the other hand, I’m pretty repulsed by this expectation that I should conform even more strictly to societal beauty standards because I’m trans. I shouldn’t have to thin, I shouldn’t have to work out unless I feel like it, I shouldn’t have to try and look cis. I want to look like a man yes. But I want to look like a queer trans man because that’s what I am and if I look like a cis dude then I’ll start seeing a stranger when I look in the mirror again.

It doesn’t help that the pressure to conform isn’t just interpersonal but structural - for example, trans people often have to be below a certain BMI to access surgery on the NHS and even in some private hospitals. Because of this, every time I’ve had to interact with the clinic that prescribes my hormones they’ve made some pretty yikes remarks about my weight.

I still remember, in our first meeting, how the person assessing me commented that if I could lose some weight then I’d be very handsome due to being fairly tall and broad-shouldered for a trans guy. It made me feel like they saw me as an object that could be shaped and moulded into whatever they wanted - into a symbol of their mastery over medicine.

It was dehumanising as hell.

Femininity, fatness and autism

Being overweight and a man who is slowly starting to present in a more authentically femme manner is interesting.

It makes me feel like some kind of horrible pervert a lot of the time.

I think we’ve got this image of a fat, effeminate, creepy dude so embedded in our collective consciousness that it’s poisoning my self-image a little. It doesn’t help that this collective caricature has a lot of autistic traits and well - I’m autistic.

It sucks because I try very hard to be respectful and non-creepy. I don’t think other people perceive me that way, from what I can tell.

But my brain keeps insisting that if I wore a dress or lipstick or high heels then I’ll transform into some Silence of the Lambs-type figure.

So I’ve been restricting myself to just painting my nails and wearing necklaces sometimes.

But I don’t want to do that any more. I want to be myself as hard and joyfully and authentically as I can all of the time. I feel like I’ve spent so long repressing myself - first because I was in the closet about being queer and trans and then because I was trying my hardest to pass due to not being about to handle social and physical dysphoria at the same time.

I guess it’s something I need to work through... but I’m not going to give up and hide away again. I won’t do that.

Transandrophobia

The other thing I’ve been thinking a lot about is how the sex characteristics primarily associated with men - for example, facial and body hair - are seen in a negative light. Largely in social justice spaces and communities but in the wider world to some extent also.

In social justice spaces, there is a lot of fear and dislike of maleness and masculinity. I can understand why but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with as a man who is marginalised due to his gender. I don’t feel very safe or comfortable outside of these spaces but it’s often a pretty tough experience to exist in them too.

This dislike of male things extends to physical traits that are seen as male also. Even in supposedly trans-inclusive spaces, I’ve seen this vocal repulsion to things like body hair and facial hair. Disgust towards traits like this is harmful to pretty much everyone who doesn’t fit cis, perisex, white beauty standards.

People who express this disgust in trans inclusive spaces often seem to think that their words will only hurt white, straight, able-bodied, perisex cis men and that it’s therefore fine.

However, I don’t think it’s okay to talk about cis guy’s bodies like that - for one because it’s just a mean thing to do and for two because even if you want to go out of your way to hurt cis men’s feelings then there’s still no way for you to prevent unintended collateral damage if you say horrible things about someone else’s body in a public place.

So if it’s wrong to make comments like that towards relatively privileged people then it’s very, very wrong to say such things about the bodies of trans people, intersex people and people of colour.

Another factor that harms trans men and other transmasculine people specifically is how people tend to react towards our bodies at varying times during medical transitioning. People (especially cis women) tend to react very positively towards us having feminine physical features - being soft and hairless and pretty-looking. Then we receive backlash if we choose to transition - we run into this idea that we’re “ruining” our “precious, sacred, feminine bodies”.

This nasty, entitled rhetoric tends to crop up strongest among TERFs but I’ve come across less explicit, less obviously transphobic variations in trans inclusive communities also.

This demonisation of “male” traits messed with my head when my hormones started to take effect. I was really happy to feel my dysphoria decreasing but at the same time, I had to come to terms with looking well, ugly. At least - ugly according to the spaces and communities I am a part of.

[spidergwenistrans]

So TERFs like to say that trans women were socialised as men, an especially powerful attack against those of us who transition later in life. And the idea seems to hold water to a lot of folks who haven’t had to think critically about it, and it probably holds more water the later in life that the trans woman/women in question came out.

I’m not going to try and say that none of us have ever benefited from male privilege, there’s no denying it plays a role, especially if you look at this with an intersectional lens. I certainly have benefited from it for parts of my life, I lost it for a little bit when I had long hair in 2009 and passed more often as a girl than as a boy (and somehow still didn’t figure out I wasn’t a boy).

The thing is, and I realised this on a much more personal level since starting to figure stuff out about myself, if you’re living life presenting as, being read as, and generally existing as, a gender that you aren’t, you’re being traumatised a little every time gender is relevant, which is a lot, if not always.

Most of my friends ave always been girls/women, and I’ve only had a few close friends who were boys/men. Kindergarten on up, it’s always been the case, the thing is, most people seem to get kinda uncomfortable with boys and girls being close friends, so it gets discouraged, I don’t remember well enough to say why, or how or when, but I know or sure I really only ever had playdates with boys as a small child. It’s equally possible that this pressure was applied by my peers, if you hang out “too much” with girls, and everyone thinks you’re a boy, you’re gonna get shamed one way or another; for being too girly, for having a girlfriend, for being gay, whatever it is kids can come up with (you know, whatever their older siblings, parents, and media have taught them). Of course, I was a small child in the 90s, which was not a great time to be queer, so there’s that too.

Being forced/encouraged not to hang out with girls definitely played a role in my internal closeting and maintaining of the closet for years, even though by grade 7 I started to have friends who were girls again, friends whose houses I even went over to. But I was still being perceived as a boy, so I still ha certain gendered expectations placed on me, and I did far too good of a job internalising the ones I could tolerate. I tried so hard to embody the parts of masculinity that I could tolerate, and that seemed mostly positive to me, but they never really quite fit.

Even while so far in the closet I was almost in the next room, when I first started seeing my ex, my approach to flirting with her and wooing her honestly mostly resembled a stereotypical 1950s housewife taking care of her husband. I cooked her dinners, made sure to dress nice for her, all that jazz. In hindsight, that’s fucking hilarious, but at the time I did not really examine it and just went with it because it felt natural.

Besides all of the long-term build up of emotional trauma that comes from trying to live as an incorrect gender, there’s one piece to it that just fundamentally screws with your self perception. At whatever point you first try to express your gender identity, if someone shuts it down and tells you you’re wrong, or even if you don’t express it, but you know it and you’re told implicitly that you’re wrong, it can instill this sort of self-doubt. Now there are as many trans experiences as there are trans people, so this will be about me, and how I perceive things, in hindsight, because I could never have discussed this without learning the language I now have.

When I was 3 or 4, I remember playing, and telling my mum I was her daughter, she (so she thought) corrected me, believing it to be a misunderstanding of language (as an editor/translator, she’s going to see the world through that lens, also, it was 1997/1998). I also used to pretend to be the mother of all my stuffies, a game/fantasy that included mimicking any mothering behaviours I’d ever seen, including incubating them like eggs in a nest, and stuffing them under my shirt to be able to birth them. This did not happen without getting commented on, but I’d already picked up that I should probably keep quiet about the mothering bit.

Sidenote: this ^ is one of those forbidden memories that gets locked away, I forgot all of this until after I realised I’m trans, and only just now remembered the mothering bit, I only remembered the stuffing in the shirt bit when I started typing this today.

All of that about the stuffies and calling myself a daughter is to say, the things that a 3/4 year old me knew to be true, or wanted to be true, were treated as mistakes and misunderstandings by society, I’m pretty confident to say there were some consequences to that, likely in part impacts to my confidence about any other self knowledge.

In high school, I was made fun of for being gay, for being fat, for being girly (even before the long hair), and a cruel play on my deadname wrt penis size (joke will be on them as soon as I can get bottom surgery). Clearly I did not pass myself off effectively as a straight boy, and I think that’s a pretty common experience for a lot of trans femmes. For lack of a better word, apparently I’ve always had “Gay Vibes” and lots of people came out to me in high school, and lots of others assumed I was gay, there was some overlap there too. Of course, it turns out I am a huge queer, but just exactly not the way anyone expected? 

Most of this post is talking about younger life, because this is where things were closer to the surface for me, I buried my transness pretty effectively early on. For those that don’t, their trauma is going to be different, and from what I’ve heard, much more immediately painful. Being read as male today hurts, but all of the previous years of it? they don’t hurt me that much in any direct sort of way, only cumulatively in what they denied me.

If you’d like to read a story about a trans woman who did know from a young age, but didn’t transition until much later in life than I did, you should check out Love Lives Here by Amanda Jetté Knox. Amanda  writes about her daughter’s transition, then her wife’s and the story is incredibly beautiful, and made me cry most of the day I listened to it.

[xeno-aligned]

copy & pasted under the read more in order to have a local copy.

A Brief His and Herstory of Butch And Femme

BY: JEM ZERO 16 DEC 2017

When America’s LGBTQ+ folk started coming out of the closet in the 1950s, the underground scene was dominated by working class people who had less to lose if they were outed. Butch/femme presentation arose as a way for lesbians to identify each other, also serving as a security measure when undercover cops tried to infiltrate the local scenes. Butch women exhibited dapper and dandy aesthetics, and came to be known for being aggressive because they took protective roles during raids and other examples of homophobic violence. The image of the butch lesbian became a negative stereotypes for lesbians as a whole, leaving out femme lesbians, who are (pretty insultingly) considered undetectable as lesbians due to their feminine presentation.

In modern times there’s less need for strict adherence to these roles; instead, they become heritage. A great deal of political rebellion is wrapped up in each individual aesthetic. Butch obviously involves rejecting classically feminine gender expectations, while femme fights against their derogatory connotations.

But while butch/femme has been a part of lesbian culture, these terms and identities are not exclusive to queer women. Many others in the LGBTQ community utilize these signifiers for themselves, including “butch queen” or “femme daddy.” Butch and femme have different meanings within queer subcultures, and it’s important to understand the reasons they were created and established.

The Etymology

The term “lesbian” derives from the island on which Sappho lived—if you didn’t already guess, she was a poet who wrote extensively about lady-lovin’. Before Lesbos lent its name to lesbians, the 1880s described attraction between women as Sapphism. In 1925, “lesbian” was officially recorded as the word for a female sodomite. (Ick.) Ten years before that, “bisexual” was defined as "attraction to both sexes."

In upcoming decades, Sapphic women would start tearing down the shrouds that obscured the lives of queer women for much of recorded history. Come the ‘40s and ‘50s, butch and femme were coined, putting names to the visual and behavioral expression that could be seen in pictures as early as 1903. So, yeah—Western Sapphic women popularized these terms, but the conversation doesn’t end there, nor did it start there.

Before femme emerged as its own entity, multiple etymological predecessors were used to describe gender nonconforming people. Femminiello was a non-derogatory Italian term that referred to a feminine person who was assigned male—this could be a trans woman, an effeminate gay man, or the general queering of binarist norms. En femme derives from French, and was used to describe cross-dressers.

Butch, first used in 1902 to mean "tough youth," has less recorded history. Considering how “fem” derivatives were popularized for assigned male folks, one might attribute this inequality to the holes in history where gender-defying assigned female folks ought to be.

The first time these concepts were used to specifically indicate women was the emergence of Sapphic visibility in twentieth century. This is the ground upon which Lesbian Exclusivism builds its tower, and the historical and scientific erasure of bisexual women is where it crumbles. Seriously, did we forget that was a thing?

The assumption that any woman who defies gender norms is automatically a lesbian relies on the perpetuation of misogynist, patriarchal stereotypes against bisexual women. A bisexual woman is just as likely to suffer in a marriage with a man, or else be mocked as an unlovable spinster. A woman who might potentially enjoy a man is not precluded from nonconformist gender expression. Many famous gender nonconforming women were bisexual—La Maupin (Julie d'Aubigny), for example.

Most records describing sexual and romantic attraction between women were written by men, and uphold male biases. What happens, then, when a woman is not as openly lascivious as the ones too undeniably bisexual to silence? Historically, if text or art depicts something the dominant culture at the time disagrees with, the evidence is destroyed. Without voices of the Sapphists themselves, it’s impossible to definitively draw a line between lesbians and bisexuals within Sapphic history.

Beyond White Identities

Another massive hole in the Lesbian Exclusivist’s defenses lies in the creeping plague that is the Mainstream White Gay; it lurks insidiously, hauling along the mangled tatters of culture that was stolen from Queer and Trans People of Colour (QTPOC). In many documents, examples provided of Sapphic intimacy are almost always offered from the perspective of white cis women, leaving huge gaps where women of color, whether trans or cis, and nonbinary people were concerned. This is the case despite the fact that some of the themes we still celebrate as integral to queer culture were developed by Black and Latinx LGBTQ+ folk during the Harlem Renaissance, which spanned approximately from 1920 to 1935.

A question I can’t help but ask is: Where do queer Black, Indigenous, and other People of Color fit into the primarily white butch/femme narrative? Does it mean anything that the crackdown on Black queer folk seemed to coincide with the time period when mainstream lesbianism adopted butch and femme as identifiers?

Similar concepts to butch/femme exist throughout the modern Sapphic scene. Black women often identify as WLW (Women-Loving-Women), and use terms like “stud” and “aggressive femme.” Some Asian queer women use “tomboy” instead of butch. Derivatives and subcategories abound, sometimes intersecting with asexual and trans identities. “Stone butch” for dominant lesbians who don’t want to receive sexual stimulation; “hard femme” as a gender-inclusive, fat-positive, QTPOC-dominated political aesthetic; “futch” for the in-betweenies who embody both butch and femme vibes. These all center women and nonbinary Sapphics, but there’s still more.

Paris is Burning, a documentary filmed about New York City ball culture in the 1980s, describes butch queens among the colourful range of identities prevalent in that haven of QTPOC queerness. Despite having a traditionally masculine physique, the gay male butch queen did not stick to gender expectations from straight society or gay culture. Instead, he expertly twisted up his manly features with women’s clothing and accessories, creating a persona that was neither explicitly masculine nor feminine.

Butch Queens Up in Pumps, a book by Marlon M. Bailey, expounds upon their presence within inner city Detroit’s Ballroom scene, its cover featuring a muscular gay man in a business casual shirt paired with high heels. Despite this nuance, butch remains statically defined as a masculine queer woman, leaving men of color out of the conversation.

For many QTPOC, especially those who transcend binary gender roles, embracing the spirit of butch and femme is inextricable with their racial identity. Many dark-skinned people are negatively portrayed as aggressive and hypermasculine, which makes it critical to celebrate the radical softness that can accompany femme expressions. Similarly, the intrinsic queerness of butch allows some nonbinary people to embrace the values and aesthetics that make them feel empowered without identifying themselves as men.

Butch, Femme, and Gender

It’s pretty clear to me that the voices leading the Lesbian Exclusive argument consistently fail to account for where butch and femme have always, in some form, represented diverse gender expression for all identities.

‘Butch’ and ‘femme’ began to die out in the 1970s when Second Wave Feminism and Lesbian Separatism came together to form a beautiful baby, whom they named “Gender Is Dead.” White, middle class cis women wrestled working class QTWOC out of the limelight, claiming that masculine gender expression was a perversion of lesbian identity. The assassination attempt was largely unsuccessful, however: use of these identifiers surged back to life in the ‘80s and ‘90s, now popularized outside of class and race barriers.

Looking at all this put together, I have to say that it’s a mystery to me why so many lesbians, primarily white, believe that their history should take precedence over… everyone else that makes up the spectrum of LGBTQ+ experiences, even bi/pan Sapphics in same-gender relationships. If someone truly believes that owning butch/femme is more important than uniting and protecting all members of the Sapphic community from the horrors of homophobic and gendered oppression, maybe they’re the one who shouldn’t be invited to the party.

As a nonbinary lesbian, I have experienced my share of time on the flogging-block. I empathize strongly with the queer folks being told that these cherished identities are not theirs to claim. Faced with this brutal, unnecessary battle, I value unity above all else. There’s no reason for poor trans women, nonbinary Black femmes, bisexual Asian toms, gay Latino drag queens, or any other marginalized and hurting person to be left out of the dialogue that is butch and femme, with all its wonderful deconstructions of mainstream heteronormative culture.

It is my Christmas wish that the Lesbian Exclusivist Tower is torn down before we open the new chapter in history that is 2018. Out of everything the LGBTQ+ community has to worry about already, petty infighting shouldn’t be entertained—especially when its historical foundation is so flimsy. Queering gender norms has always been the heart of butch/femme expression, and that belongs to all of us.

[polyrolemodels]

Mx Nillin

1. How long have you been polyamorous or been practicing polyamory?

Personally? Less than 5 years. I’ve been non-monogamous with my nesting partner, Falon, for about 4 years now, but neither of us explicitly identified as polyamorous until we started seeing our best friend Kate about a year ago. 

2. What does your relationship dynamic look like?

Falon and I are legally married and live together in a tiny apartment with a cat and two guinea pigs. We’re in a romantic, sexual, and emotional relationship with our best friend, Kate, who lives on her own a short drive across town.

Kate doesn’t want to ever get married or live with anybody else. She really values having her own place to herself and so do we, so, it just works out for everybody really well! We all see each other multiple times a week, binge watching Netflix shows, playing nerdy tabletop games, going on date nights, checking out local events, or trying out threesome positions for ourselves and then blogging about them [http://mxnillin.com/will-it-threesome-double-dip/] LOL

Though Fal, Kate, and I are in a closed polyamorous triad together, we’re all still non-monogamous to a degree. Each of us has a friend or two we sometimes share nudes and flirt with outside of our relationship, but the three of us are all romantically committed to each other.

3. What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?

Ugh, honestly, I wouldn’t say that I “excel” at anything so much as I’m just doing the best I can to look after my own health and wellness while also striving to be the best partner I can be to Kate and Falon.

I used to be REALLY bad at the whole self-care thing and it lead to a lot of fear, anxiety, insecurities, and jealousy in my past relationships. I almost exclusively relied on those who I was intimate with to just comfort me until I felt better. In some cases, I put the entire onus of my mental and emotional health onto my past partners. Unsurprisingly, that created some incredibly fucking unhealthy behaviors as I sought out a pretty constant supply of comfort, validation, and assurance from them in order for me to feel happy and secure in those relationships.

That’s not so much an issue for me anymore, and I’m really proud of that because it has taken a lot of hard work to unlearn those toxic behaviors, develop healthier personal habits, and overall better communicate with the people who I love. I’m also much more on top of taking my anti-depressant pills, and going in to see my counsellor, when necessary.

That’s not to say I’m some stoic, chill master of my emotions or anything. Insecurities still crop up, jealousy sometimes rears its head, and on occasion a little validation is appreciated, but I think all of that is pretty natural

4. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?

The stigma. Holy shit, the stigma

I‘ve never loved two people at the same time, and in the same ways, before. I’ve never been committed to two partners at once before. Like, it’s no exaggeration when I say that my relationship with Falon and Kate has shattered my entire perspective of life, love, family, the institution of marriage, identity, politics, and so much more.

And all for the better, I might add!

But polyamory isn’t something you see reflected back at you by society, especially not in any sort of positive, judgement-free way. It’s not a relationship structure that’s even sorta socially, politically, governmentally, or economically accepted, let alone widely acknowledged, talked about, written about, ore seen out in public. And it sure as shit isn’t represented in a lot in literature, or art, or media of any kind… at least not in ways that don’t tend to be fetishizing or tragic. 

I mean, when’s the last time you’ve seen any sort of show about an everyday non-binary queer navigating life with their poly family? Never? Yeah, me neither.

All of this has led to us having to pretty regularly endure super shitty, awkward situations of us having to be in the closet depending on who we’re interacting with at any given time. Trying to remember who you’re out to, and who is SAFE to be out to, is exhausting and stressful for us all.

And that fucking blows. Yet it’s oftentimes necessary for all our safety.

5. How do you address and/or overcome those struggles?

I talk about it with my partners. A lot. We check in with each other pretty often and we don’t let difficult discussions go undiscussed for long. 

And I write about it too! Maybe too much at times haha.

I find that by putting myself out there, speaking up about my experiences and relationships, it has helped me empower others in their poly relationships while offering me the opportunity to learn from them as well. Especially other sex bloggers, writers, and workers.

I’ve also surrounded myself with a pretty amazing little family of queer and trans folks who have been wonderful supports in my life.

6. In terms of risk-aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

Clear, concise, honest communication has been key. Fal, Kate, and I are all aware of each other’s past partners and we’ve all tested ourselves for STI’s. Currently, we’re all fluid-bonded together, so, condom usage isn’t really there like it used to be. However, we still make sure to boil any sex toys that are shared (between uses), keep our nails trimmed, use lube as needed, and generally make sure that we’re listening to and respecting each other’s boundaries.

7. What is the worst mistake you've ever made in your polyamorous history and how did you rebound from that? 

Not sure if this is really a polyamory mistake so much as it is a boundaries issue. A couple years ago, shortly after Falon and I were married, I had JUST started blogging about how non-monogamy worked for us when we became good friends with somebody we had met through our local LGBTQ+ community. Early on in the friendship, the three of us mutually masturbated together, but we were very explicit in expressing that we were not looking for a relationship of any kind and that the three-way ‘bating was just for fun and probably not a regular thing. 

End of story, right?

Not so much. While Fal and I felt that we were very clear, and that our friend had understood, he instead doubled down. Over the months that followed, he ended up inserting himself into our relationship in a lot of invasive ways that on their own looked innocent enough, but when considered all at once were actually quite manipulative. Then one day he tries to show up at our house to talk with Falon, and when they said they weren’t feeling comfortable taking right now (he was being very pushy) he just forced the conversation anyway by professing his love to them. Oh, and me too, but only as an afterthought when Falon made it clear they were NOT interested.

Things went downhill from there really fast as we started to realize the real degree of his intrusiveness, complete with finding out he had been self-sabotaging opportunities for himself because he had this thought in his head that we’d all live up living together.

Anyway, it’s a long story overall but Fal and I learned a lot about what we were and weren’t comfortable with and set even cleared boundaries with others. That whole thing was bad enough that it almost turned us off from non-monogamy and polyamory altogether though. Luckily, we worked through it because several months after that gong show things started up with Kate, which has been amazing!

8. What self-identities are important to you? How do you feel like polyamory intersects with or affects those identities?

I am a fat, queer, non-binary, loud, foul-mouthed sex blogger with hairy tits, a girl cock, and a full-on fetish for actively subverting social roles and expectations… so of course I’m also polyamorous haha. Seriously though, over the last several years I’ve radically transformed myself as a person, to better reflect who I’ve always been but didn’t feel safe or confident being until my late twenties. I had to, because if I didn’t I was on the fast track to self-destruction [but that’s another story entirely]. 

Now, for the first time ever, I feel empowered to live my life as my authentic self and it turns out that a big part of that has included being polyamorous. Monogamy, at least in how it exists in our culture, has always felt incredibly restrictive, uncomfortable, and toxic to me personally; whereas falling in love with Falon and Kate, opening myself up to them both and forming our queer little polycule, has felt like the most natural thing in the world to me since I came out as queer and trans.

(Bonus: Do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc. that you are involved with that you would like to promote?)

You can find the vast majority of my work on my blog at www.mxnillin.com. One of the most popular features there is "Mx Nillin Fucks", a blog post series in which I stick my girl cock in a wide variety of inanimate objects, mostly foods so far,  as makeshift masturbation sleeves and write about how good or bad it is. This year is themed "Back to Basics" and has focused on classic masturbation items (banana peels, socks, DIY penetrables, melons, etc.). Outside of this you can also find me regularly participating in #SexEdPornReviews tweets for The Crash Pad Series.

---

Support Inclusive Polyamorous Representation at  https://www.patreon.com/PolyRoleModels

[transnbwholovesthingsandpeo-blog]

We Control The Controversy...

We- the fans.  We control what we’re annoyed by.  Self-proclaimed fans are the saesangs.  Self-proclaimed fans whine about idols dating, about their hairstyles and body choices, about someone’s interactions with someone else.  Why, pray tell, would you be annoyed by Hyuna and E’Dawn- two idols, no, set that aside, two people who work very closely together and so have gotten to know one another well- dating?  Do you not tend to date people you know well?  Oh, or do you not date?

Now, I don’t date right now, but that’s because I’m a gay nonbinary trans guy who’s in the closet and very sensitive to how easy it is for people to hurt me currently and so I’m taking my own time to figure out how to date in a healthy manner, not because I really think an IDOL, especially a KPOP IDOL, would date me.  And yes, obviously Kpop idols date people, that’s the point, but you have to be realistic and not imagine that they’ll wait to find the perfect fan.  They may not want to date a fan at all because it could be awkward.

Imagine for a moment that you’re famous, and people fawn over you, really dote on you and call you a god(ess), a king/queen, perfect, anything and everything they’ve ever wanted.  Would you date one of those people, who knows you better than you know yourself?  Who can recite your exact measurements or favorite things, can sing all the complementary parts to your own in your songs?  When you don’t know them at the time they learn these things?

Or imagine it this way- a total stranger comes up to you and says, “Oh!  Hello, *your full name* born in *your hometown* in *your birth year* to *your parents' names* whose done *your most notable achievement*, I know all about you, you’re so super cool!  I love you sooooo much, please will you marry me?”  No, that’s not all fans, not even most.  But I’ll admit, as one of the people who knows probably too much about several idols, we know too much.  I don’t know as much about myself as I know about some idols.  I don’t even have a vague notion of my own IQ but I know that Namjoon’s is 140-something, that’s scary.  If I was him, I would be scared to date me.

Now, about hairstyles and other visual choices, briefly, because yes it’s bad but the other things are objectively worse in this community and I can go back into detail about it if we handle the other crap.  Imagine your boss told you “oh, customers don’t like your hairstyle.”  Imagine you got told every day you had a “crappy hairstyle” that you love, that you’re “too buff” when you’re happy with your exercise regiment, that you’re “too fat” when you’ve put on a few pounds but you’re ok with it.

Imagine people always nitpicked your appearance in ways you didn’t agree with, and that you relied on them for your livelihood.  Having to cut your hair, stop or start an exercise regiment, do things that you don’t want to do, that make you feel like shit, all because people don’t like it.  It’s still THAT PERSON’S body, so STFU about thinking someone is too buff or too fat or has a bad hairstyle or color when it makes them happy.  I DO NOT MEAN don’t have a favorite, just don’t whine at the idol about your favorite hairstyle or w/e.  I absolutely adore Namjoon’s purple hair, I would never go to him and say “you need to dye your hair purple again, you don’t look as good with different hair colors” let alone the shit some people say.

Saesangs...  Fuck man, we just.  We need to have good ways of routing them and reporting them not only to the companies but also to LAW ENFORCEMENT.  These people need help, yes.  That’s honestly not more important than the physical safety of the people they stalk.  If you feel the desire to do things that saesangs do, please go talk to a psychologist, please talk to friends and family and ask them to help you not stalk them,  You want to run a fan site, go ahead, just don’t push into their personal space etc.  Get someone else to go over your plan with you to see if it sounds saesang-like, have someone go with you if you can (and honestly, this could help, give them a camera too and have them work with you), though make sure you’re not bringing another potential saesang.

When I was a Directioner, I had those feelings.  I imagined, when I was going to their concert, slipping backstage to meet them...  Then I remembered that I’m some fan, and I did not try to go up to them when there wasn’t a set time for fans to meet them.  So I’m not saying it’s easy or it’s entirely a choice.  Having those deep feelings is human, it’s human to fall in love with someone who’s so public.  But they do have private lives and selves, and we need to respect them.  That, for now, is all I have to say.  But please, please don’t dismiss this.  Facing deep emotions can be very hard for me, I try to twist and turn away from them because they terrify me.  But I sat down and faced them to write this out, and if I can do it when I’ve been overwhelmed so much lately, honestly, you can at least try.

[health-wellbeing]

Lose Weight Naturally - 9 More Weight Loss Tips

Everyone wants to get rid of their weight as quickly as possible. I would have liked to have a rod to shake every large individual and his excess fat would have disappeared by the end of time. It just isn't the situation. Here are some simple tips for losing weight that can help you reach your goal gradually and consistently. I hope you enjoy these 9 weight loss tips.

 Weight Loss Tips # 1: Want It!

 To be effective in losing weight, you must lose weight. You need to focus on this need and not just say that you have to lose weight. The most ideal approach to focusing on fitness is to reach a goal, save it and stick to it.

 A goal shouldn't just be the weight you need to lose or lose. You can set a goal based on your body estimates or the amount of body lost quickly, or the attractive size of your clothes. Set your goals so that they are achievable. For example, I have to pay £ 15 before Christmas or drop 2 dress sizes until my sister's wedding.

 Once you have set your most important goals, you will need to set smaller ones to make sure you are on schedule to reach your long-term goal. Watch your goals with a weight loss sketch, food diary or activity chart. Keeping a journal is the perfect way to keep track of the nutrients you consume, the amount of water you consume, the amount of daily exercise and how these goals are worked out daily. You can even track how you feel during the day. This lets you know if you are eating something or not because of a certain state of mind. Keeping a journal is a great way to focus on losing weight.

 Weight Loss Tip 2: Keep It In The Kitchen

 The most terrible trends people have are not eating at the kitchen table. Either they have to eat something while doing different things, or they stand in front of the TV. Experts say that, overall, people who eat while watching TV eat larger portions of food. We focus on what we see, not what we eat.

 We have to get away from our family rooms and go to the kitchen. During this time, eat gradually and invest a little energy in your family. Talk to the boyfriend and the kids. Focus on what you eat, as well as how much you eat. If you eat more slowly, your stomach may tell you that you are full, that you are not eating too much, and that you are feeling hopeless.

 Weight Loss Tip # 3: Throw in the Temptation

 To continue devoting yourself to your weight loss system, you must banish all temptations from your closets, refrigerators, and vehicles. Treat delicacies and fatty nutrients with the right food sources. Gelatin and sugar-free pudding are a great way to manage that sweet tooth at the right time without involving a ton of calories. Low-fat popcorn or low-fat popcorn is another great substitute for fatty treats.

 Do everything you can to avoid unwanted snacks for half a month. Keep a packet of crispy vegetables, like carrots, to satisfy hunger. Most crispy vegetables usually fill you up more and contain fewer calories.

 Weight Loss Tip 4: Find Support

 Weight loss is a test in itself, but it seems much easier with an accomplice. Look for a weight loss tonic online or in a discussion. Facebook even has buffets. If you don't want anyone to be online at this point, you can create your care group at home or with someone else at home. Another thing, all weight loss organizations offer group care or sometimes personal advice.

 Your care groups may include family members, companions, co-workers or even your neighbors. Your collection can be as large or as small as you can imagine. Ask everyone you know to help you in your weight loss attempts with some support.

 Weight Loss Tip # 5: Stop Bad Habits

 Generally learned or old trends are hard to break. It is time to introduce an improvement. We don't have to eat everything on our plate. Many of them grew up realizing that since there are hungry children in Africa, we should eat everything on our plates. It is normal to leave food on our plates from time to time.

 We have to adapt to our bodies and stop eating when we are full. We should eat fewer parts of our food. We have to do it without seconds. Try to eat 6 small dinners instead of three large ones. Eat breakfast, snack in the morning, eat lunch, snack in the evening, dine, snack in the evening.

 When you eat at a cafe, ask for the children's menu or contact when you ask the waiter for a takeout box. When food appears, put half or more of the food in the takeout box.

 Weight reduction tip # 6: Add variety

 You need a small selection in your life. This also applies to nutrition. You will be exhausted if you eat something similar every week. When this fatigue occurs, slip into your old tendencies. Eat a little of all the major nutritional categories, including organic, vegetables, protein, dairy, whole grains and fats.

 To stay fortified, eat five to six small dinners regularly. It also helps your digestion. Eat protein with most dinners, including eggs, beans, lean cuts of meat, and fish. We should try to eat at least five servings and up to nine servings of soil products per day. If you do not observe your sugar, you also observe the level of the natural product that you consume. You need to eat more vegetables than organic products. You should also eat a selection of the two foods that have grown out of the ground. Don't just eat similar foods every day. Remember that the key is the assortment.

 The bread, pasta, and oats you devour should be whole grain. If you've never eaten whole wheat pasta at this point, mix it with regular pasta and add more and more whole wheat pasta step by step until you get used to it. This remains constant for bread, especially if you don't have the chance to make your bread. Unpredictable starches and the high fiber content of bread and whole-grain pasta speed up digestion. The dairy products you spend should be low in fat or fat-free.

 Is Weight loss patch for you?

Also make sure that you eat good fats, such as olive or safflower oil. Your body needs a certain amount of fat. Be sure to read your names and avoid foods that contain trans fats. Trans fats are incredibly terrible for you.

 Weight reduction tip # 7: Saturate the sweet tooth

 When you lose weight, there will be times when you will crave something sweet. If you don't need it, at this point you have a bit of everything you dream of. It is wiser to have a few than to neglect and torture your desires since you have resisted them for so long. However, do not try to eat these principles every day. It is normal to indulge in the urge from time to time, but not from day today.

 Weight Loss Tip 8: Be careful what you drink

 The main decision to drink water without chlorine. You need at least six glasses of good water. You can also drink green tea. Using green tea can help you lose weight.

 Some people do not follow or take the calories in their refreshments. An improved standard cola contains over 100 calories and 10 teaspoons of sugar. Organic drinks are also high in sugar and calories. Change to count calorie drinks and drink more and more green tea and water.

 Be careful with your alcohol recovery. Most mixed drinks contain a lot of sugar and are high in calories. Brandy goes into the fats and sugar in your body. Limitation point on the frequency with which you take a drink. Save it for extraordinary events and try to devour low-calorie broth or wine.

 Weight Loss Tip 9: Get Active

 Being dynamic is key to losing weight. We have to start when we have to get in shape and endure. In any case, you go from a usually lazy person to a training fan when you start an activity program. You must gradually reactivate the activity system.

 Start with a walk. The walk does not include unusual equipment other than a decent pair of shoes. Walk at a suitable pace and take a 20-minute walk three times a week. Go a little faster in the long run and take more time. You can prepare the quality twice a week. Start with something as light as two glasses of soup and go step by step to get light loads.

 The practice consumes a lot of fat and calories. Quality preparation takes over the work with inclined bulk goods. The leaner your mass, the more calories you consume due to your higher metabolic rate.

Watch latest Video: Top Natural Food in 2020

Also See: PhenQ Reviews

[iluvtv]

Break Fast with Snack Blankets

I celebrated the Jewish New Year and the masochistic Jewish tradition of atonement by wrapping up season 3 of Difficult People. I had been waiting, savoring, delaying… but can’t seem to hold off any longer.

Finishing a  secular, divisive comedy on the holiest night of the year may seem sacrilege to some but I would argue it is entirely apropos. Much like some choose to fast for their sins, this too is a masochistic “task” as once I finish I will have another ENTIRE lonely year without my dear difficult friends (and that’s counting on another season even being made at all….*).  

In the spirit of the season premiere where Julie found it necessary to medicate just to survive Passover I will wager bets that I may need a tranquilizer (or two) to survive the combination of another terribly sad Yom Kippur along with the end of my annual DP fix. Thank goodness a season premier of Great News will quickly follow. While it is, perhaps a more mainstream, accessible sit-com, it also is fabulous and produced by Tina Fey. Let’s be honest I basically need something fresh to laugh at from either Pohler of Fey at all times. It should be like a law or something that their particular female dream-team is always gifting us with their comedic fruits of labor.  

So, let’s debrief the season (but seriously let’s put the brief back in debrief as I am a little swamped right now, looking at menus from pricey local restaurant in hopes that my exceedingly generous client will treat me to yet another wonderful dinner —and time is of the essence).

We’ll start where I left off…

Episode 3 delves into Julie’s addiction to her Mother. Grappling with her diagnosis Billy asks Julie what the opposite of Endorphins are.

“Judaism” she replies, deadpan.

And of course it is. Hence the desperate need to self-medicate in episode 1.

In episode 4 I can’t help but notice all the subliminal and yet repetitive advertising of shitty restaurant chains (all of which happen to be in serious financial trouble according to my limited research). Why are Quizno’s, Applebees and Subway advertising with such a leftist show?  What is their agenda exactly? Saving face perhaps? Or maybe Julie just really likes sandwiches on terrible bread. And if staring at Applebees doesn’t excite you here are three unbelievably relatable quotes:

Julie: I have plans later

Billy: food or tv related?

Julie: both, I'm curling up with my snack blanket to watch the lifetime movie of all lifetime movies.

Julie (to her doting man): “I need a break from the sweet snack blanket can you grab the savory one from the closet?”

(I literally own both a sweet and savory snack blanket! How am I single?!)

Julie: I know cunt moves, I respect them

And the cunts that move them.

Namaste.

(And that’s literally how I feel about yoga).

And then, of course the episode ends with Billy and his new boyfriend's first kiss taking place in front of Equinox.

And while clearly Equinox and Gay Pride do go together like me and Gay bars (never underestimate a fag hags love of only flirting with the unavailable -- I guess if the “snack blanket” didn’t cinch the deal this might explain things) Klausner and Eichner might be a bit interested in the fact that I (a girl who only flirts with the unavailable) was actually fired from the company on an unfounded accusation of sexual harassment… basically a sexist overreaction to a female saying the word vagina. I know this isn’t really relevant to our debrief but cultural relevance is cultural relevance and basically Equinox isn’t as progressive as you might think....

Which of course, brings me straight into episode 5 where Julie and Billy discover that the part of Central Park which used to be reserved for Gay hookups is now an outdoor Equinox yoga studio. So, it is basically the same thing but with a hefty price tag. Gentrification is everywhere and even fictional butt-fucking in the park isn’t free anymore. Sad face emoji.

This episode is also fabulous for its intense focus on sexism and the tremendous pressure on women to smile at all times.

Julie just can’t do it.

And that’s why we love her.

Then there is episode 6 where there are so many riffs on sex, politics and TV I don’t even know where to start. So, let’s instead discuss OpenTable’s odd arrival to the small screen. First with this quote from a casting agent to Billy and Julie:

We know from your opentable reservations neither of you have NYE plans

(Oh, fuck my life neither do I. Unless, maybe we can count watching the Season Finale of Difficult People on Yom Kippur and call it a day...?)

Later in the episode it is revealed the the aforementioned reservation platform is also “running original content”. And while they may be the one app that isn’t yet doing this I’m sure they actually are close behind. Funny cuz it’s true?

Which reminds me, I must be brief…I have my own OpenTable reservations to make...

But, before we move on I simply must mention one more sexist/tv/food related quote from this episode:

“Like the ad for yoplait where the woman gets so thin she disappeared and the man says, ‘now there's a woman I don't wanna punch’”

If that doesn’t make you lol you’re dead inside.

If you like the recurring theme of how sexist TV is, Episode 7 takes the cake. Julie (thanks to a vision board) is able to try her hand at working in a writer’s room. Clearly though, no matter how hard she tries she simply cannot make the opportunity successful because what we learn from these insiders is TV is written for men by men (though the recent 2017 Emmy’s did prove times are a-changing). The whole episode is perfect but is best summed up with this quote from the writer’s room:

"Oh no I hate women, I got into writing for tv so I could not write for them"

Meanwhile Marilyn decides to “do something for herself” (gasp, I know) and settles on a Bat Mitzvah. And while I (a Bat Mitzvah myself, actually) had no idea, she teaches us you can’t become a woman without a theme. Her theme? “ME”. 

Why didn’t I think of that?

Episode 8 is a perfect representation of modern day city life. Billy and his boyfriend aren’t able to fall asleep next to each other as this quiet act is just far too intimate (I can relate). The lovebirds spend most of the episode trying to tire themselves out in a desperate attempt to move forward with their relationship. Their antics towards exhaustion are, of course, fantastic especially when the most tiring thing Billy can think of to do is calling his cousin and asking her “why she decided to take a break from social media.”

They take part in every boring, typically tourist adventure New York has to offer only to discover that those who visit their city are actually bigger freaks than those who choose to live full-time in New York. Fabulous.

Meanwhile, the two most narcissistic people on the show (Matthew and Marilyn) secretly work to manipulate the other in selfish attempts to steal the other’s identity. 

And if all this wasn’t enough antics, Julie tries to return to improv only to discover she just isn’t the requisite “yes, and” girl of improvisation but does quite well with “a no but girl.” agenda

Me too Julie, me too.

And finally we have episode nine which includes an unintentional ayahuasca trip, a trans-sorority reunion vacay and most importantly a focus on the premise that the opportunity to change on a whim is available to all selfish, difficult people because we don’t have dependents. You’re welcome world.

Here are the most quotable treats:

Billy (who is feeling very over NY) on Bowling Alleys (and I suppose hipsters in general):

"It's like Poor Man: The Ride "

The team’s view of Etsy:

Julie: “Etsy’s a cult "

Billy: "except for with arts and crafts so basically it’s camp"

Yes, OMG, how did I not think of that?!

And then there is the neurotic Jewish Mother’s method of procrastination/anorexia.

Marilyn: “I should have a lemon wedge. I worked out this morning, I deserve one.”

There is one of the best public transportation scenes I have ever witnessed. I won’t even debrief it because I literally just can’t do it justice.

And then we get down to the nitty gritty: the crew accidentally do the trans-sorority girls’ ayahuasca and in a panic of the unknown Arthur finds a step-by-step guide on Miley Cyrus’s website.

Of course.

They all are on board with most of her steps (no-one even flinches in regards to vomiting) but when the thought of confronting their innermost truth they are less than thrilled.

I agree, who wants to do that?

But they do and it seems to be bliss for them all:

Marilyn enters a Marilyn only world

Matthew hallucinates a terribly fat, naked  gay man in a chef’s hat, jumping

Arthur hallucinates Julie taking charge

Billy gets on a tv show and breaks up w/ NYC

And Julie’s crafting persona has a duel with her actress persona

so, basically everyone wakes up glad they did ayahuasca .

Maybe being a difficult person also means you are secretly really well adjusted?

Revelations aren’t easy but they are wonderful from this crew:

Julie reading her closing monologue which is covered in vomit: "because I do comedy I will always be on the misery spectrum...I am an unhappy person but the alternative is being someone I don't know and that, is terrifying."

Motivated to change, Billy starts looking for apartments in LA, but finds the process a wee bit exhausting (even his IMDB page must be submitted— fucking LA).

Meanwhile, the trans-sorority girls recite their pledge:

“never go on CNN to discuss Caitlyn Jenner.”

OH GOD IT’S ALL SO GOOD. 

Shall we mourn it’s passing with a yahrzeit? 

But before we commemorate this tragic, tragic end I’ll have the series finale recap for you shortly....

*sadly since writing this first draft the cancellation of this essential comedy has been revealed

[tragicbooks]

5 things the writers of 'Will & Grace' should consider before the upcoming reboot.

<br>

"Will & Grace" is returning to TV for a limited 10-episode run.

The show debuted in 1998, near the end of what Entertainment Weekly dubbed "The gay '90s." It was another effort for NBC to capitalize on what Miami University media professor Ron Becker dubbed "the Slumpy class" — socially liberal, urban-minded professionals. Through eight seasons and more than 180 episodes, that's exactly what "Will & Grace" did.

Image via VoteHoney/YouTube.

If you missed "Will & Grace" the first time around. Here's a refresher.

Will (Eric McCormack) and Grace (Debra Messing) are a former couple turned best friends turned roommates. Will is gay and an attorney. Grace is straight and an interior designer. The cast is rounded out by Jack (Sean Hayes), their flamboyant friend who dreams of stardom; Karen (Megan Mullally), who is technically Grace's assistant but usually gets intoxicated and hangs out; and Rosario (Shelley Morrison), Karen's loyal maid. They laugh, they cry, shenanigans ensue, they fall in and out of love, the audience laughs really, really loudly: It was sitcom gold.

The cast of "Will & Grace," from left, Eric McCormack, Sean Hayes, Debra Messing, and Megan Mullally. Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images.

Though the show was campy and silly, it was pretty groundbreaking at the time.

When the show began, Will was the only gay character leading a show on prime-time TV. His sexuality wasn't mentioned in early promotions for the show (apparently even promoting to "the Slumpys" had its limits), but as the show went on, it broke new ground not just for having a gay lead but for the issues it raised.

From the episode "Whatever Happened to Baby Gin?" in Season 8. Photo by Chris Haston/NBC, courtesy of the Everett Collection.

In the first season episode,"Will Works Out," Will has to deal with his own homophobia after calling Jack a fag at the gym. Later in "Acting Out," Jack and Will go down to the "Today" show to protest a gay kiss being cut from an NBC show, and they end up kissing each other. Will gives boyfriend Matt (Patrick Dempsey) the boot after he won't come out of the closet at work in "Brothers, a Love Story."

For every affirming, innovative moment, there was camp. After all, it was first and foremost a screwball comedy. There were Cher and Madonna walk-ons. There were jazz hands. There were constant reminders for viewers that they were, in fact, watching a "gay show," even if the representations were mostly "safe" and unthreatening to the general public.

GIF via "Will & Grace."

It's been over 10 years since the show ended its eight-season run, and needless to say, a lot has changed.

Three-dimensional gay characters, while still short on lead roles, are more common than they were in "the gay '90s." In 2015, GLAAD found 35 gay, lesbian, or bisexual characters on prime-time broadcast television. That's around 4% of all characters on prime-time broadcast TV.

Since we last saw the "Will & Grace" gang, gay marriage has became legal, bathroom bills have made their way across the country, and we've elected a president whose early appointees already have a lackluster track record on civil rights.

So if "Will & Grace" wants to remain as edgy, relevant, and frankly funny as it used to be, here are five things the reboot needs:

1. Get some friends of color in the mix.

They live and work in New York City. How hard is it for Will and Grace to have some black friends? This doesn't mean they should pull a "Gilmore Girls" and flood the background with black and brown actors. I mean real speaking parts with some character development. People of color can hang with the gang too, and it doesn't have to be stunt casting. (But the writers will have to get rid of cheap shots about confusing Mexicans and El Salvadorans.)

The white background is really just overkill at this point. Photo by George Lange/NBC.

2. Can we move away from food-shaming Grace?

Grace loved to eat. It was kind of her schtick. There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying food, but Grace's fondness for food was played up as a character flaw. She was portrayed as an almost gluttonous, emotional eater, unable to resist any snack sent her way, especially when she was down in the dumps. Yet, she remained slim and trim because while "Will & Grace" was considered envelope-pushing TV, a fat woman was considered a bridge too far. It was an infuriating aspect of the show.

Episode "Forbidden Fruit" from Season 8. Photo by Chris Haston/NBC, courtesy of the Everett Collection.

As Sadie Stein wrote for Jezebel, "It says, 'I may look glamorous, but I have the mind and soul of a fat person! And this is hilarious!' Not incidentally, this also plays into that old male fantasy: the un-neurotic guy's girl who can chow down on a steak and still look like a centerfold."

3. More representation from the LGBTQ community, please.

In the late '90s, it was enough to just have gay characters on TV. The bar has been raised. Time for "Will & Grace" to move beyond the one-note representations of Will and Jack and include more diverse portrayals of the LGBTQ community. A gender nonconforming yoga instructor? Can Grace date a bisexual guy? You see where I'm going. And ideally, those actors would be gay, trans, or nonbinary in real life. One can dream.

The show can still be silly and funny, but let's up the inclusivity and think about the types of people falling in and out of love or being the butt of the joke. AV Club writer Joe Reid said it best in his piece on the show's legacy, "For any show about gay men in a world that is steadily allowing them to exist outside the closet, it’s important to investigate the self-policing that was (and still is) happening regarding butch, 'masc,' and femme portrayals."

GIF via "Will & Grace."

4. Let's let Jack and Will be sexual beings.

On a similar note, gay characters can kiss, flirt, make-out, have sex, hook-up, enter long-term relationships, and in general have sexual agency. Too often, Will and Jack were essentially neuters with punchlines. If the character is gay, let them be gay and give their romances and relationships the time and weight they deserve.

Eric McCormack and Sean Hayes in Season 6. Photo via NBC, courtesy of the Everett Collection.

5. The gang can (and should) challenge President Donald Trump and his agenda.

To be fair, they've already kinda started. The cast reunited for a mini-episode last fall all about the election, but they're in a unique position to go further. In the late '90s, people saw "Will & Grace" as irreverent and subversive. If there's ever a time to resist the status quo, it's now. The 10-minute video should serve as a comedic warning shot to Trump and his ilk: If you insist on appointing, hiring, and amplifying voices of hate, then no place will be safe for you. Even prime-time network comedies.

GIF via Vote Honey/YouTube.

So welcome back, "Will & Grace." I await your reboot with an open mind.

I just hope you're coming back with a story we haven't heard before. Otherwise, stay just what you are: A lighthearted, irreverent, sometimes boundary-pushing sitcom that was just fine where we left it ... in 2006.

Photo by George Lange/NBC, courtesy of the Everett Collection.

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