#it’s especially odd bc i’ve never had like a mutual or a post that broke 30 notes (with ONE exception) so this is. new.

[trialserrors]

fnafblr is so weird i feel like i skipped the starter pack and spawned in 30 levels after the beginning of the game. how are the cool people following me already

[pastel-popplio]

Sort of important I guess. LONG explanation incoming. (Tw for animal death, seizures, if that upsets you, you might be better off just skipping this bc I kind of go into detail. Tldr, I need to avoid anxiety/drama on my dash, my personal life is a bit of a wreck, and I had to put a pet down, so I'm mostly taking a break) Hey so idk if anyone's really noticed my blog's been quiet for the last couple days (I might've liked a few things but I've mostly stayed on my new calm blog and there it's just been reblogging pics), but I'm probably gonna be staying off of this app for a few more days for the most part except the odd reblog. I've had a lot going on for months that's been building and building and especially this week I just completely broke down. Things still aren't great and I really can't take the endless drama and hatred and overall bitterness that's covering my dash with all the ta/ylor drama and the ship/fandom wars and all of the political stuff on top of that. I'm just utterly sick of it and I'm only going to hop on when I wanna post the odd thing or look at calmer content. I hope all of my mutuals are doing okay, I've noticed a few of you seem to be having a hard time as well and I sincerely hope things get better for you all. 💗 Most of the stuff going on has been health, finance or family related so I won't be going into any detail on that. The other thing was my cat, China. She's had epilepsy for a few years now (I think 3 or 4, I'm bad at keeping time straight), but it was manageable and she had excellent quality of life and ran and played. She was the smartest cat I've ever known, she could fetch better than our dogs (on command, and she learned herself I never taught her) and knew how to clear frosted windows from the inside with her paws to look through them in winter, and she even liked to hop on my back for piggy back rides sometimes. Unfortunately she's been taking slight turns for the worse over the last few months, and there wasn't much we could do. The seizures grew more frequent and she started developing a tumor, and I think her brain was starting to get damaged because she seemed to forget all of those little tricks she'd taught herself. She still adored me, but she'd lost her feisty spark and started spending most of her time lying around. Once my sister got her puppy that started stressing her out too despite my attempts to keep things in line. I'm not sure why she took a massive downturn all of a sudden (I knew she was getting worse and had started discussing some options with my mother, but it was like a switch had just been flipped one day), but this week things got really bad. I had to try and keep watch on her constantly to make sure she was in a safe area, and she started having multiple seizures a day (something that had only happened a couple times in previous months, and much less severe). A couple days ago she started having them every few hours, and while we were discussing euthanasia in a couple days (we knew it was going to be better for her at this point, but we thought we still had time left to schedule it), she started going into them every 30 minutes. My mom ended up having to drive me to an emergency vet hospital at 3:00 in the morning to put her down because we realized she wasn't going to make it through the night. I've never lost a pet from anything except old age (comfortably, in my own home), or from unfortunate circumstances outside of my control (where I thankfully never actually witnessed it). I was terrified to go, both from the guilt of taking a life that I wasn't sure I could handle (even if it was undeniably her only peace at this point) and that I would have to witness my little girl that I'd raised from a kitten die right in front of me. But I knew I'd regret it even more if I wasn't there in her final moments to help her soul pass on to heaven, so I sat in that car with a box in the seat next to me and bawled my eyes out talking to her the whole way there. I'm not certain she understood any of it because she was really out of it by this stage, but I hope she at least knew I was there with her. I can't talk about those last moments unless I want to bawl my eyes out, but I will say she's with my other cats now and she has a nice grave under a tree in our yard, and I know her soul is much happier now that she can be healthy and safe. She was honestly like a daughter to me, and I think she knew how much I adored her. I honestly haven't really mourned her deeply? That sounds harsh, but I think at this point I had already come to know it was going to have to happen and tried to prepare myself ahead of time for her disappearance (it was more the sudden severity and having to take her that night without preparation that really wrecked me), and now that she's actually passed on I'm just kind of relieved. Her declining health has been an ongoing weight that's kept me stressed and bawling and feeling like a failure for months now, and I'm just so glad she won't be suffering anymore. I'll miss her of course, and I'm sure after a few months it'll really set in that she's gone for good and I'll start crying the second I see her picture. But for now I'm just kind of thankful that I have that one massive source of anxiety and stress off of my shoulders. I knew it was bad but I hadn't realized just HOW badly it had been ripping me apart every day worrying about and praying for her and trying to comfort her until these two days after it's been so quiet. She's in a much better place now. I'll post some pictures I have of her soon once I gather them up, that way I'll have them for the future (i lost a lot when my old phone died though, unfortunately).