#it’s been a month and half im rationing my meds and doing every other week injections i hate it here

[ciceroandthelistener]

actually kinda nauseous thinking abt my blood work appt next week

[sweatylesbian-blog]

p sure my parent has been messing with my dexedrine. a couple months ago i was like wtf guess i better take less propranolol... THEN i noticed when dividing one for a half dose, it was only filled up to the line (where the cap goes opaque). which is a little more than a half dose as it is, i think

THEN doing the same thing today it seemed fuller than usual but tbh it's hard to tell and actually makes me think that maybe they've been skimming off the top like that for a while...

but here's the thing that im chewing on, is that my ua came back with elevated amphetamine levels vs my rx'd dose. ive been taking half doses or less (actually my rx'd dose i rarely take the whole dose) for weeks.

sooo maybe there's smth up and im excreting more than normal of whatever they measure

PRETTY sure i haven't had anything that typically causes false positives

so........ yk.................. could it be they're really going this far? like a couple nights i was taking like 6 propranolol (over a few hrs as each dose failed me) still could barely sleep when ive been sleeping pretty good almost every night ?? and other days ive felt a little more focused than i would expect. but otherwise i mean, afaict im not showing any other signs of hypomania or anything like that, either.

ivw been thinking it's the stress/anxiety making me like that and that's probably the biggest thing buuut....... :// idk

maybe ill stop by the pharm and ask them to check the pills for me?? but they could be just back to normal at this point :/

lmao this actually wouldn't be the first time, before they sent me to inpatient (i was 16 or 17 and i was so eager to go like, wow a stable place that's not here... sígn me up!!) but, i drilled open the lockbox where they kept their meds/drugs and found a container of the beads from the capsules! ohhh boy lmao. then when i was like 'wtf' they claimed they were "testing me" LMAO ???

but also there were days (recently) where they seemed like they had taken some, themselves but i was like "nahh i haven't given them any in a long time" BUT I GUESS THAT DOESN'T MATTER lol

they know it concerns me a lot to potentially have my adhd meds cut off, and they know that between that rx and bipolar it's not a big effort to convince med pros im psychotic, while all they're doing is trying to love and support me ~~~

anywhwre in writing or in public they make these displays but if for example i say smth (that is mostly sarcastic and rhetorical btw) about "i wish we could record this so i can point out that inconsistency" it's just nothing but the statement "i do not consent to be recorded" WELL bitch i don't consent to being spied on and psychologically abused lol but we can't all get what we want, huh

ehh i dont have the time or budget, and i wouldn't have a use for it really, legally or personally. i know well enough for myself, and almost all my medical providers and anyone else they try to call on me will listen to my calm and rational explanations of how it is clearly gaslighting (as clear as gaslighting can be, anyway).

anyway fuck you! what ever justification you think you have, ever think about how id never do smthg like this to you despite the fact that you're responsible for so much of the c-ptsd i developed, & have emotionally abused me my whole life!! no, ive never looked to avenge myself or punish you, just to be truly loved (not the possessive and prideful sense that gets mad when the object of it deviates from how u want) and not mistreated!!

it's hilarious in retrospect that only right this minute am i realizing that when you tell me about how me leaving makes you realize im not the cause of your problems and maybe you "had a talk with yourself" it's basically the same as "im so sorry it won't happen again im working on it ive changed itll be different" and i come back, mostly bc i don't have a better option but also bc yeah when things are good they're great! and i keep thinking "this time it can last and ill only move out when im ready and not bc i can't stand it anymore" but no!! so far that has never been the case!!