#it’s also at that time that my relationship with my mom started getting rockier

[horsemage]

What especially gets me about class of 2013 is that line where mitski asks her mom to wash her back because that’s something my mom or sometimes my aunt used to do for me but that stopped after we moved back to the states from se asia….

[corgiplays]

As to not flood @ronance4everbrainrot comment section I'll be posting some of my rambles here

Time line wise the duffer brother absolutely make no sense since it's supposed to be 6 months after the battle of Starcourt which would be December or January depending if you're counting the rest of July or not but it's spring break? So I'm fixing that and my mess of a comment from last night.

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• July: Robin spends her time with Steve mostly since she doesn't know if the kids like her enough (Erica and Dustin hang out with her though since they know her, and Max likes her but won't admit), this month is mainly Robin and Steve bonding some more and starting the healing process of their trauma, Dustin starts to speculate that Robin and Steve might like each other more than friends but both Steve and Robin are very against the accusation, Robin also starts to bond with the rest of the kids

• August: This is where Robin and Murray officially meet without the danger of being killed, the two bond over their conspiracy theories and love for languages, weekly movie nights turn into Murray and Robin hanging out and debating if Elvis is alive or if the recent Bigfoot sighting is real, we also have Nancy and Jonathan having a rockier relationship in the background (if Jonathan is going to movie night Nancy won't be there and vice versa), Erica brings (aka forces) Max to her and Robin's hang outs so Max and Robin start to bond

• September: Before the Byers leave Jonathan and Nancy break up (it was mutual between the two of them), Nancy leaves halfway through a movie that week and Robin decides to find out what happened *emotional talks in Nancy's bedroom*, Nancy would definitely say "I don't know why I'm even sad our relationship was already dead even before we officially called it off", Robin would 100% run her fingers through Nancy's hair to calm her down argue with the wall, Lucas joins Erica and Max when they go to Robin and he gets life advice from Robin "I spent so much of my time in school trying to fit in and being invisible that it took a flesh monster and Russians for me to realize that theirs nothing wrong with doing what you want to do" after that Lucas joins the basketball team, Robin and Nancy also hang out a little more (like 2 more times after the breakup), Robin talks to Murray over the phone since he's not around as much

• October: Max and Robin have a matching Halloween costume (they go as Jack and Wendy from The Shining, Nancy may or may not find Robin hot in her outfit but she thinks she's jealous that their costumes look so good), more Murray and Robin hanging out, Nancy and Robin have a cute moment when the party plays a horror movie and Nancy grabs Robins hand 👀, more bonding between Robin and the rest of the party

• November: THANKSGIVING WITH MURRAY (Robin's mom doesn't do Thanksgiving or really any holiday and just works if she can), Murray teaches Robin how to cook when she stays over for Thanksgiving, Steve finds out that Nancy thinks that's him and Robin are dating (angst time), Erica talks to Robin about her nightmares so Robin plans a sleepover between the two of them at the Sinclair house (Lucas joins since his nightmares haven't been better either), the Sinclair's absolutely love Robin and she gains another family

• December: Big angst, Steve constantly makes excuses to not hang out with Robin or drive her, Robin is hurt (both emotionally and physically because it's not smart to bike on snow and ice), Nancy finds Robin in the girls bathroom before school starts sniffing and running her bloody and shaking hands in warm water (homoerotic hand bandaging, because Robin ate shit on ice going to school), Robin tells Nancy about how distant Steve's been which Nancy things she caused saying she didn't know they were dating, Nancy also offers Robin a ride to her house and asks if she wants her to be her new ride, Max talks to Robin about if it's okay to like guys and girls (Robin cry's when Max comes out to her and teases her about her crush), Christmas is at the Wheelers + Murray is there, Robin's mom is shown more (gaslight and gate keep)

• January: Even more angst, the big fight between Steve and Robin (Steve either calls Robin a slur which he later regrets or says the typical guy when finding out a girl is a lesbian by saying if she tried a guy she's wouldn't be like this, he's an asshole but he gets a sort of redemption), Robin then gets kicked out by her mother a few days after the fight (her mother makes losing her friendship with Steve her fault and definitely brings up her dad, even more angst??) Robin calls out her mom which is how she got kicked out (metaphorically and physically?), she going to Murray's since he's the only one who's been a good parental figure (he definitely knows Robin is a lesbian, she probably came out to him during Thanksgiving), Max, Erica and Lucas search for Robin after she missed their hang out day (she's never missed one before), Max is tempted to beat the shit out of both Robin's mom and Steve until Dustin probably mentions how Robin and Murray are friends, the three go to Murray's and stay with Robin for the rest of the week (Robin tells them what happened and mentions her dad but doesn't elaborate)

• February: Robin comes back with Murray who bought an apartment for Robin to live in while he goes back and forth between his home and the apartment, Robin and Steve relationship is non existant and very strained, Max, Lucas and Erica are the Robin protection trio, Robin finds out that Steve has been following Nancy like a lost puppy so Nancy and Robin's relationship is also strained

• March: This is where Steve and Robin's friendship comes back, it's not what it was before but their on better terms, Nancy and Robin aren't talking though since Nancy thinks that whatever has happened between the two means that their back together and it hurts her thinking about it (she thinks she's jealous of Robin but it's actually Steve), Max and Erica tear into Steve (they threaten him) while Lucas does his best disappointed dad face

• April: Season 4 starts, mostly everything is canon here idk if we wanna change some things so I'll just leave it as it is normally

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Oh boy that took forever, little thought I though of was that Robin's dad is dead (Rip man 😞) I'm thinking car accident while Robin was at the wheel (idk if they had permits back then but something like that) which is why she doesn't have a license along with being poor

Comment and ideas are welcomed and have a nice day/night 🫡

[daydreamreality]

So on and off I’ve been writing this super long post on some of my thoughts about Gilmore Girls. And something I wrote made me go, “wow, the evidence against AYITL just being the season ASP didn’t get to do is really stacking up because the two things I can see Jess being around for in season 7 is what he does in the revival except the circumstances with Liz are different.” SO. Hear me out. If the reason we didn’t get a “real” Lorelai/Luke wedding was budget restrictions (I call bullshit, why did we need TWO musical numbers)...well let me take you on a made-up journey of the end of season 7 on the CW with ASP showrunning. Without Netflix freedom and money to throw her unrestricted last hurrah with GG, we get our series finale with a full-on Luke and Lorelai wedding because, well, why wouldn’t this be the ending of the show??

I now realize that getting Luke and Lorelai married in one season after the shitshow that was the end of season 6 might be difficult so let’s just assume this is handled in a mature and healthy way and they’re back and better than ever! Because I honestly didn’t think about that bit when this scene popped in my head and made me go “WHY, it could have happened! And now I need to tell everyone!” And I’m not really in the mood to go about theorizing this AU season 7 in full.

Rory still has to get pregnant but not want to be with the father because ~*fULL cIrcLe*~. The way I can see this happening is Logan goes off to London, their long-distance relationship is a lot rockier, and she eventually finds out that Logan has been cheating on her. OR Logan convinces her they should open the relationship up; Rory is not comfortable with this but is too emotionally invested in him to let him go yet. Either way, the hurt she feels has her breaking up with him for real, is very sad, blahblahblah, and they end up having a “last hurrah” together that gets her pregnant. WHY? Because FULL CIRCLE. 

So we’ve seen Rory break up with Logan for good, she’s pregnant but we don’t know that, and we’ve gotten some sort of “window scene” that shows Jess still has feelings for her. WEDDING TIME. For real this time with family and guests and ceremony! Town square or Dragonfly Inn, take your pick.

Maid of honor and best man start the show. Jess is hilariously nervous because that’s my favorite look on him, ngl. While waiting on Rory to meet him, we get a nice little look between him and Luke of familial love and respect across the room. Jess gets distracted by Rory appearing and his whole face goes soft, and the proud smile on Luke’s face quickly devolves into a smirk because Luke has his number and knows he’s still got it good for Rory. Jess glares. I laugh. Rory is unaware of this moment of amazing communication and is nervous as well, but puts on her best brave face and walks arm-in-arm with Jess in all her beautiful grace.

Now for the actual ceremony, I could never even begin to come up with something as heartwarming and beautiful and hilarious as ASP or a talented fic writer. But I’m gonna throw in the detail that for some reason the officiant they booked can’t get there and Kirk has to step in last-minute because of course he’s an ordained minister. He throws in way too many personal stories and exudes his awkward charm (cut to appalled looks between Emily and Richard), but overall it goes surprisingly well (cut to proud, tears in their eyes like in Lorelai’s Graduation, MY HEART). We also get one little Jess and Rory smile at each other all shy and romantic-like because I wanna see it.

Now we’re at the reception. Rory comes up to Jess all cute and happy, “come dance with me.” Jess is like, why would I do that, blank stare. “It’s tradition.” Super cute innocent smile she knows will get anyone to do anything; Jess is not immune and is already going to say yes but he has to be difficult, Rory knows this.

“What tradition? And why would you think that argument is going to work on me?”

“Best man and maid of honor traditionally share a dance.”

“*rolls his eyes* Your mother is not going to care, and frankly would probably prefer not to have a picture of us dancing.”

“*pulls out the big guns* You owe me for prom.” Not unkindly, clearly in a joking manner. (I KNOW THIS IS A TROPE BUT I LOVE IT OKAY)

Fake hurt, clutches his chest “OUCH.”

The dance starts a bit awkward and stilted, but they slowly relax and enjoy themselves. Jess cannot waltz. Neither can Rory. We’re getting served some serious “Reflecting Light” vibes tho with the shots, set design, and another beautiful Sam Phillips number. The parallels are being thrown in our faces. We LOVE IT. We EAT IT UP.

Jess goes to make the slightest move to bring her in closer when a wave of nausea comes over Rory. She backs away quickly, and Jess does a “did I do something wrong” look/line like after the “Then She Appeared” kiss. She’s got her arm covering her mouth, looks panicked, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” runs out of the party. Luke notices and asks what’s going on. “I don’t know, she looked like she was sick?” “I’ll get Lorelai.”

Lorelai searches for Rory and finds her crumpled on the ground crying, sweaty hair, make up ruined, just completely unraveled. She tried so hard to keep this secret to herself for Lorelai’s big day, but she is too overwhelmed and tired. Lorelai settles in next to her, pulling the hair out of her face, “Oh honey, what’s wrong?” Rory cries harder.

After some good Lorelai hugs, Rory calms down slightly, looks at her mother distraught:

“Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m pregnant.”

.

.

.

.

IF YOU’RE OUT ON THE ROAD

[purplesurveys]

679

[Elementary School] Do you still remember any dreams you had a a child? Like, sleep-dreams? I still remember some of the nightmares. I forget the weird ones as soon as I wake up. What was your favorite game to play back then? 10-20 served as my favorite for the longest time, but I did enjoy other games like PANTS (place, animal, name, thing, and the S stood for score lmao) and Twister. How many best friends did you make through the years? I only had one constant best friend who stuck with me through thick and thin. I wasn’t exactly the most sociable kid and I found it hard to make friends. How many enemies? A couple, but in my defense I only ever made enemies with kids who had a bit of an attitude and caused trouble for my nicer classmates. There was this one problematic kid that everyone had an issue with because of her rotten fucking attitude, but I think I was the only one brave enough to have beef with her (shoutout to the violence and fighting I saw in my own home). Our fights got big enough we ultimately got sent to the guidance office, hahaha. I also fought this kid who was a known bully, andddd I enjoyed making fun of one kid who was a notorious spoiled brat and would throw a tantrum when things weren’t going her way. Did anything tragic happen to you when you were little? Home stuff that are still burned into my brain, yeah. School was a little nice to me though, so it was always nice to be not in the house.

Did anything absolutely amazing happen? I wouldn’t say my childhood was amazing. It was just... barely decent. I was provided the essentials by my family - I was fed, given vitamins, sent to school, but I missed out on all the other stuff that I needed for my development. No one ever spent time with me at home, my attention competed with five other kids’, both parents were absent, cigarettes were the first thing I smelled in the morning and brandy was the last thing I smelled at night. I was kept safe and alive lmao, but I wouldn’t call the whole thing a blast. How was your relationship with your parents back then? Weak. They barely had time for us so they made up for it by always buying us the toys, books, and DVDs we wanted. I appreciate the alternative effort but it also meant never getting to build a healthy, trusted relationship with them. Did you believe in cooties? No, that’s definitely not a thing here. I only learned about cooties from watching Fairly OddParents lmao. Did you ever get a cootie shot? What was your favorite snack to eat? The cafeteria’s corndogs were SO so good, I was so bummed when they took it out. I was also introduced to kikiam by Sam, a close friend in Grade 1. Did you own any pets during this time? We had a few goldfish here and there, but my pet rabbit hung out for a while. What was your personality like? I was mostly shy. Wouldn’t budge, even if you approached me. What was your favorite song[s]? Idk, I didn’t have much of a music taste back then and just really vibed hard to the High School Musical and Camp Rock soundtracks hahahahaha. What kind of toys did you like to play with? I loved homemaker toys lmao. I was really into cash registers, and I’d also ask my mom to buy me makeup sets, kitchen sets, restaurant sets, cooking sets, and dollhouses whenever I see one I liked. But at the same time I grew up with boys, so I also enjoyed toy soldiers and Star Wars figurines. [Middle School/Junior High] How did your personality change from Elementary to Middle School? It took a turn for the worse, really. The fact that I was pretty aloof and already struggled to make friends was paired by two factors: puberty (and the self-hatred and identity crisis that come with it) and the adjustment of moving to a new house. Needless to say I failed to adapt and I was lost and empty for a bit. What was your favorite thing to do during this time? I mostly watched wrestling as a means to cope with the loneliness. And it helped, a lot. That time is a blur to me now and I mostly forgot what else I had done to like, sustain myself lmao. Who were some of your closest friends? I had no friends and I sat alone for recess and lunch and walked by myself during dismissal. How often did you get involved with Middle School drama? Like, not at all. There was one rumor about me that managed to get out but literally no one cared about me to care about the rumor, so it fizzled out in like 5 seconds lmao. What kind of "clique" were you in? Or did you not beleive in cliques? We didn’t really have cliques, we just had friend groups everyone knew about. I was in none of them. How did people treat you? They mostly didn’t mind me. Like I didn’t cause trouble for anyone and never did anything bad – I just didn’t do anything. I was always quiet, a wallflower. I think nobody knew how to approach me, which I don’t blame them for. It was impossible to pry me open in those days. Do you look back on these years fondly? Did you hear how I just talked about that time? Lmao. What was your typical kind of lunch during school? This was around the time we just moved into our new house and my mom was adjusting as much as we were. Money was short as well so we had to contend with canned food, most of which I didn’t touch both because I didn’t like it and I was too depressed to eat. I practically starved my way through middle school, now that I think about it. What school[s] did you go to? I went to the same school for preschool, grade school, and high school. Was it really as bad as some people say Junior High is? I didn’t get junior high. Did you like to read? Yes. My favorites during this time were the Septimus Heap and Percy Jackson series. I also started reading Gone with the Wind thanks to Gab, and Les Mis because of the movie that had come out. What was one good memory you have of this time? Meeting Gabie. It made all the loneliness go away, and it was nice to finally have a friend who just talked to me and acknowledged and minded me.

Were you still enemies with someone from elementary school? Yeah, this was around the time I cut ties for Marielle because she was a dick. If you could go back and change one thing, what would you change? I’d remove the depression, obviously. [High School] Are you still in High School? Nope. I graduated exactly four years ago. Welp, it’s 1:59 AM so it’s technically four years and one day now.

Who were some of your close friends? I was (FINALLY) in a friend group in high school – Angela, Sofie, Athenna, Fern, Kaira, and Chelsea were there. We also merged with a certain friend group from one of the all-boys schools – Dave, Aaron, Raf, Jez, Jedric, Hans, Luis, Rap, and sometimes MJ were in that group. Who were some of your enemies? Nah, no more enemies. I let myself FLOURISH during this time lmfaoooo. How did your personality change from the previous years? I was definitely happier. I had best friends, close friends, and was in a friend group; this was also the time I realized high school grades aren’t worth shit in the real world, so I stopped putting much pressure on myself to perform well, and to just let loose and enjoy my time in high school, because I wasn’t ever going to get those years back. Going in, did you really think they were going to be the best four years ever? I HAD to have hope in it, because grade school made me miserable enough. I kept thinking there was no way my rock bottom could get even rockier, so I was just weirdly, forcibly optimistic about it. If that makes sense. Were they? [or are they if you're still in High School] The latter half of high school was definitely some of the best times. I was still adjusting in freshman and sophomore year.   What's one memory of High School can you look back on and grin? The day Zayn Malik left One Direction, all the Directioners in my batch met up at the corridor and started crying and hugging one another. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Did you ever cry while you were in school? Yeah, mostly when I got failing marks. How was your love life? It did okay by the time I was in junior year, which is around the time it usually gets good for people in my school anyway. How was your social life? So much better. Gabie’s friendliness with everyone highkey helped me find my own rhythm in making friends, and soon enough I was talking to people. Did you have any teachers that you just absolutely loved? Sure. Did you have any teachers that you just absolutely despised? Yup. How were/are your GPA? We don’t have that here but my general average when I graduated high school was like a 93. Did you know anyone who got pregnant? No, no one got pregnant while in high school. I have batchmates who are moms now, though. [There's no time like the present] Do you currently have a job? No, not yet. And honestly this coronavirus might stall me from getting a job just yet haha. I was so ready to apply by June or July but since the term might be extended to make up for the lost classes, I might not be able to follow that schedule anymore. What kind of job do you *want* to have? I’d like to be in PR. I did an internship in it and it was so fun and so much better than journ. What do you like to do on your free time? There’s a variety of stuff. I like eating out, spending time with my dog, going to the mall, going to museums, doing surveys, watching TV shows, watching on YouTube, reading articles. What's your relationship with your parents now? A little better, partly because I’ve found my own voice through the years and I’ve learned to take no shit from them – I was very submissive when I was a teenager, just to compare. Do you own any pets? Yes, my dog who has been with me for 12 years now. How many places have you traveled to? A buuuuuuuuuunch. Do you own a cell phone? If so, what kind? Yes, as do most of us these days haha. An iPhone. What are your goals for the future? Achieve a goal or two. Survive. What's your favorite kind of drink? Non-alcoholic: water. Alcoholic; Long island iced tea. Did you ever get into the Twilight saga craze? Yesssss. The craze started when I was in Grade 4 but I got into it in Grade 5.

What about the Harry Potter craze? I was around when it happened but I never got into it. Where is your mind at: The Past, the Present, the Future, or all around? Mostly present, but I’d mull over the future too sometimes. What's a really good movie you've seen recently? I can’t tell you about movies, but I just finished BoJack Horseman which was a brilliant fucking piece of television. Are you happy where you are right now? I’m satisfied, but I can’t call myself happy yet.

[blackandwhitedays]

hello

woah... it’s been over two years since i’ve logged into this blog.

i didn’t think i’d be able to recover it. thankfully i’ve been using the same five(ish) passwords for the past four years.

so much has changed since i first began posting. although, i only made about three posts. it’s not uncommon for me to come up with some bright idea to start a blog/journal then forget about it after a few entries.

 where do i even begin?

well, i graduated. and the boy i mentioned in one of my first posts? we are going on two and a half years together. crazy stuff. he was my saving grace through my last few months of high school. i don’t know what i would have done without him.

i used to post on another website called my-diary, where i updated about my life a lot more. reading those posts made my chest ache. i genuinely felt like i couldn’t breathe. suddenly, i was in high school again, overwhelmed and suicidal with no one to talk to. yeah, shit was rough to say the least.

i lost all my friends in february of my senior year. so, yeah, about two years ago now. i couldn’t really remember the details, but rereading my old entries helped jog my memory. it was all childish drama, as i suspected. my friends thought i was petty and secretly hated them, so they dropped me. i was already disliked by my entire graduating class, and suddenly i had absolutely no one. i sat alone everywhere i went. my guidance counselor accused me of sabotaging my own relationships. which now i understand as a symptom of my extreme anxiety and fear. i would destroy my relationships with others before they could hurt me first. but that’s not what i did with my friends in school. i cared for them a lot. they were all i had at the time. and they were perfectly okay with abandoning me at my lowest point because they were selfish from the start, i was just too desperate to see it.

it still chokes me up thinking about everything. i sometimes get into these weird obsessive states where i will purposely go back and reflect on my high school times and get really depressed. i don’t know why i do it. i’m so much better now than i ever was then. yet it’s like i enjoy hurting myself sometimes. perhaps to make sure i’m still capable of emoting like i used to.

but anyways, let’s talk about the now. i graduated and basically made a massive “fuck you high school and fuck everyone who hurt me.” you better believe i was the talk of the town. i got about thirty comments praising my bravery, then the next morning the hate started flowing in. people called me retarded, a dumbass, a liar, etc. all the good stuff. called me a slut for wearing crop tops. and my mother, who was so worried what others would think of HER because of the post, kicked me out. i lived on ben’s couch for several days. it was a nightmare. i thought i had hit rock bottom.

but shit moved on. i moved away and started going to college. my mom eventually apologized for being a selfish bitch about the whole situation. i forgave her, even though i don’t know if i’ll ever fully be able to. ben moved with me and got his own apartment in the same town. i ran out of money after the first semester and nowhere would give me more loans, so i had to drop out and move in with ben. we both worked as much as we could and moved back in with our parents for about a month. then we saved up and got our own apartment in a bigger city. which is where we are now. ben has a really great job working in masonry. he’s making ridiculously good money, though he has no clue how to budget and is constantly broke. i am a supervisor of a program that helps people with disabilities and brain injuries. i also make good money. i’m saving up to go back to school this fall. our apartment is small and owned by a sketchy property management company who is absolutely going to rob us of our $1,000 deposit. we also have a dog by the name of winston. he is the love of my life and i adore him more than anything in this world. 

my life has done a complete 180. there’s no denying that. the only thing that could make it better is having some friends. yep, two years later i still haven’t made a long term friend. i think it’s due to a combination of moving around a lot, working constantly, and somewhat isolating myself due to fear of getting hurt again. ben and i thought we made friends with some people living in our building. they were a couple and were pretty great for about a month. we had cooking nights where we made dinner, went hiking and exploring different cities, and hung out all the time. then the girl decided to pick a fight because apparently we opened her messages and didn’t reply right away and it upset her. i tried explaining that we’re both insanely busy and sometimes we check our phones in the spur of the moment but don’t get time to actually type out a reply. then she got even more upset and said “guess i’m not allowed to have an opinion then?” and started subtweeting about me on twitter. she also refused to talk it out in person and would only discuss it through snapchat. just really, really childish shit. then a couple weeks later they broke up. so there went that. i sometimes still talk to her but i’m certainly not interested in pursuing a friendship. i don’t need that kind of drama in my life.

sometimes i wonder if it’s me. if i really am some crazy manipulative bitch who just has no idea that she’s on some rampage to destroy everyone’s lives. but i really don’t think so. i just want some people who can come over and watch movies, chill out, etc. then when it warms up outside, we can go hiking and smoke in the woods, go on adventures at night through the city, and eat at all the different restaurants in town. i also want friends who i can make really shitty obnoxious jokes with and they will LAUGH. is that so much to ask? apparently, it is.

i do work a lot though, which prevents me from having as much of a social life as i would like. i’ve been a pretty regular smoker of weed for going on four years now. through my junior and senior year of high school as well as in college up until now. but in these last seven months since i moved into this apartment, ben and i have smoked almost every night. and boy, have i felt the effects. i definitely feel less focused and productive. i just want to come home and be lazy. which i can’t be. my job requires me to stay sharp and be productive, so i’ve decided to cut back and make it a weekend thing. it’s hard, though, because ben smokes every. single. day. and he has no plans to change that. he tried stopping and got so depressed he was feeling suicidal again, which he hasn’t felt in a long time. 

oh, and as for ben and i? yeah, two and a half years. pretty crazy. we were all over each other for the first year and a half. we fell hard for one another. it hasn’t been perfect by any means, but it’s been a good time. 

my biggest issue in the relationship is our lack of sex. i’m a very sexually driven person. i love sexually charged attention. i love a man who will slap my ass when he passes by me, and has to resist the urge to bend me over every time i “accidentally” change in front of him. ben is really not like that. his sex drive is practically non-existent, which has taken a toll on us for sure. it’s mostly because of his depression, i think, so he’s trying to get on antidepressants. they’re also for him, of course. he wants to feel happier. hopefully, it works. 

these last few months have been a little rockier. not because we’ve been fighting more or anything. but i just feel like his heart isn’t as in it as it once was. he will deny it, of course. he claims he’s never been more in love with me. and i’m sure he genuinely believes that. but his lack of effort says otherwise. i spent $150 on concert tickets for him this valentine’s day. guess what he got me? nada. like, not even flowers. or chocolate. i’m not asking for him to break his bank on me. at all. i’m the easiest girl to please when it comes to this stuff. i just wanted to feel special. and i let him know how disappointed i was. i thought expressing my feelings would make him want to make it up to me, but he hasn’t done anything. he also hasn’t done much around the house, and i’ve been working late almost every night. i like things done a certain way, and he knows that. but you’d think he’d recognize that i’m working soo much lately and that i could use the extra help around the house. but no, i have to confront him about it which leads to him getting super defensive which leads to me getting upset which leads to a fight. then the whole night is ruined. it took an entire fight for him to finally clean up one night when i was working. which was nice. but it felt like he was doing it because i made a big deal about it, not because he actually wanted to help me out.

WARNING: Vulgar rant up ahead:

i feel like i’ve sort of began building up some resentment towards him. i hate that that’s the case. but i’m getting laid maybe twice a month. i’m nineteen years old and i am fucking HORNY. and i’m not unattractive to look at by any means. it sucks so bad when i come home and try to be subtly sexy and change in front of him and dance around and all he does is stare at his fucking phone. then when i straight-up climb on him and try to kickstart things, he says he’s tired and it’s too late. it makes me not want to come home from work. there’s nothing for me here. he doesn’t pay any attention to me. the most i see him is when he eventually passes out in my lap at 9:30 at night. it’s fucking exhausting. i’m so starved of attention. i went from being so incredibly crazy about him just a few short months ago, being so positive he was the one for me, to being almost in tears at the thought of dealing with this way of living any longer. i’m trying so hard to hold out for him to see a doctor and get on meds, but i just don’t know if it will help. he’s been on some before, and he was still sad and actually thought getting off of them would help his sex drive. but surprise, it didn’t.

i can’t imagine us breaking up. i mean, i would have to completely start over. get my own place, pay for everything on my own, etc. it would be so hard. i don’t want that to happen. but i’m fucking miserable here. i can’t rely on sitting on my fucking dildo and cuddling my dog as replacements for the love i signed up for when i entered this relationship. are we fizzling out? i don’t know. but i’m sad and angry and very, very frustrated. 

and i’ll be honest, i’m really not that sexually attracted to ben in the first place. at first, i was, but he’s basically used all his moves on me and it’s pretty repetitive when we do have sex. i can’t get off without porn anymore. which i hate. i don’t even like porn that much. but it’s the only thing that works. so, would things even improve that much if he was having sex with me all the time? i don’t know. i just know that if things haven’t turned around by the summertime, i may be looking for a new place to live.

do i sometimes yearn for the freedom that comes with being single? sure. do i sometimes wish i could get laid by someone who actually has new moves to offer? of course. but do i want to sacrifice my relationship to receive these things? that’s what i’m not sure of.

i hate to even think of losing ben. it’s terrifying. i just want to feel loved. i just want to feel appreciated for everything i do around here. i try so fucking hard. but he gets so defensive when i try talking to him and thinks he contributes just as much as me (not even fucking close). i can’t even have a civilized discussion with him because it turns into a messy ass fight. wow, this is the longest post ever. i’ve talked about a lot tonight. it feels good to get some of it off my chest. it’s been building up inside for quite some time. i hope shit gets better in regards to my relationship. i need some damn love. and fast.

[hallucinosims]

Hiya! For all the new people reading your story, and unable to go back to the beginning, could you possibly tell us what’s happened so far to where you are now?:) Thankyou in advance if you can!

yeah, totally! First things first, if it’s more of a time thing then I totally understand reading stories takes up a lot of time, but if you ever do get the chance to check out the beginning you can find it right here! Each post has links back to the beginning, the post before and the post after! Now, into the summary. Under Read more for your convenience.

In Short: Play the Game is a story about Love (come to), Loss (Never is an awfully long time), and Found Family told (Hide me safe away) throughout three intertwining stories.

The story “technically” begins shortly after Marion Galere (Rowan and Reid’s biological mother) and Damon Benj (Reagan’s biological father) get married. This is marion’s second marraige and Damon’s first technical marriage even though he was in two long term relationships before hand that he would consider being life partners with but whatever. These two getting married basically fulfills this on going fate/prophecy/curse that hundreds of years ago was made that established the two families. One with a long long history of being monstrous and like the first of the leviathans/ first monsters (Benj, the current iteration of the line goes by that last name even though the majority of the rest of the family has a different last name). The other side spun into something of a culty, no way in no way out sort of idealogy (Galeres. I know this is technically mispelled but I don’t have a steady enough internet connection to copy and paste accent a cute) The Galeres, ever paranoid throughout their human existence, ends up cursing the lines in such ways that when they join again (which they inevitably will) it’ll be a fight to take over the line that supposedly got the better half of the deal. The Benjs are pushing a solid Zero in the wins department so far but their own side started to grow in prominence and power as time continued on so they were pretty solid without the winning thing.

Anyway, their grandfather (a Galere) tells them all these things and they end up finding proof of that in the form of these chess piece totems. Life continues on poorly. Marion and Damon are married but unhappily. Reid has already lost his other mother (Annabeth, worked as a drug mule and tough guy basically but that’s more All that matters today stuff) to a huge fire incident. Reagan is put on a pedestal due to Damon’s fear of loosing her to the game/curse. Rowan is almost forgotten about by his mother and step father so he kinda gets identity crises and doesn’t have a strong sense of self (mood). There’s an incident with Reid in which he almost gets killed at school for kissing a boy and before he can get officially expelled (not because he’s gay but for other stuff he did) they move across the country and try to start over. Well, not start over more like run towards their past because act 1 and 2 ends with all the kids learning this story about their identies that were bestowed upon them. They learn about their totems and what they represent (Reid = Knight: leader, determined, stubborn, headstrong. Rowan = Rook: dedicated, loyal but to a fault, always has walls up. Reagan = Bishop: Spiritual, follower, personality depends on what they believe in) And uh... then the stories kinda split. Reagan and vampires is a big plot point. Rowan and finding his sense of self (ie Maren Goodall his best friend who disappeared one day) and Reid trying to find comfort in himself by the means of other people Wahoo.

Reid and Dorian start dating (i forgot to mention he has a girlfriend who’s basically his beard that his mom told him to get but they’re still dating even though Reid and Dorian are also kinda together) More and more of their past keeps brings itself forward in ways such as visions headaches and other things whenever they are in the old house that they moved to in Mass (that Marion grew up in) and the connections to their totems beginning to click more into place. Come To and the knight because knights and doomed romance. Reid falls for Dorian sort of even though he feels he isn’t good enough for him and is still dating Makenna. Never is an Awfully long time and the rook and Loss. Rowan starts almost spiraling from person to person as he attempts to find someone to fill the whole in the walls he had built up for himself and ends up finding Evie Del Gato who is almost the antithesis of Maren and they decide to become good friends and she even helps him look for Maren as well as a few other friends. The Bishop and Hide me safe away and the idea of spirituality and family. Reagan has a hard time finding where she stands in the middle of things because she begins having visions about Vladislaus Straud, who is revealed in this act to be apart of her family line. She is also connected to the Vatores who are basically in resistence to Straud and the leviathan order (the name hasn’t been revealed technically in story yet but it’s not a spoiler so) which is a power heirarchy of all the humaniod creatures that walk the earth. But vampires wrote it so they put themselves pretty high on the list.The siblings don’t really interact heavily in this act as they got their own arcs going on. 

This act ends around a little after the winter holidays

Rowan starts dating someone a lot more like the best friend he lost (Kyle jackubus) Reid and Dorian are getting rockier as more people begin to find out their little secret. Reagan is...still trying her best. She learns about her bio mom (Harper Bridges) from Damon but then decides to leave and stay more often with the Vatores for her own safety as whenever she isn’t there she feels like Straud could just pop up and ruin her life whenever. Which begins to happen more and more as nightmares of him hurting people she love start to become more frequent. Reid has visions of his mom (Annabeth Holtz) more frequently as well in a sense of guilt and stuff about her death. Rowan starts seeing Maren in a paranoid frenzy after her dissapearance. So they’re all having a generally pretty bad time on the mental front but they keep trying to put that on the back burner to lead normal lives and disregard the stuff their siblings are going through because “I’m dealing with stuff too damnit” Even though in this chapter they are beginnig to find more trust in each other because they are the only other people who would genuinely get it. Marion and Damon are often in and out of Massachusetts right now because as the game continues on they want less and less involvement because they’ve done all they can do to save their kids and now nothing they do would make a difference anyway so they decide it best to stay away and not watch their family turn against each other. And this act isn’t done yet so that’s pretty much all I can say

Sorry this ended up being long and unintelligble at some moments, this is a WIP and will be in my ptg extras tab so it can be checked up on if you want to speed through the story.