#it’s a whole thing & im very tired & coming off separation anxiety from my partners place & the intense feelings of that plus under

[r0semultiverse]

Hoping my Kindle from 2017 doesn’t croak on me before my phone does. I watch anime on there while my phone charges. 😭 This shit runs so slow sometimes, but it’s amazing for watching anime.

[heesgf]

studying w/ lee byounggon!

hello cutest ppl of the world!!! here is a present for u <3 and pls read my scenario for bad boy gon!! or soft blurb gon

studying w/ lee byounggon                                                                                    (a bad idea)

OK SO you and byounggon have AP biology together, and somehow, by the grace of GOd himself, you’ve made it to the end of the year

It’s time for ur final exam!!! yay!!  because u can finally peace TF out of that class, but aww :’(( bc you have a final exam with 100 multiple choice  and 10 written questions 😔

some of ur ap bio shenanigans have included:

byounggon reading multiple questions OUT LOUD while you are writing the test and he literally doesn’t even notice

Like he just does it so naturally??? you’ll be side eyeing him through the divider that separates your desks

in your head, you’ll be like “AHEMMMM at LEAST read out the answers too damn ...”

He does not read out the answers :/

even tho it can be kind of off-putting, his voice is rlly deep and soothing!!!! so honestly it kind of helps your test anxiety

......but u will never admit that... he would have too much power

you and byounggon once made an animal cell out of rice krispy treats & candy

you guys left the project to the very last minute because collectively u have one brain cell

U guys started building but then u ate so much candy, you ended up puking🤮

After u had released the #barf, you and byounggon choose to cuddle up on the couch and u just chill for a couple hours

Somehow u convinced him to watch bird box????? He was DYING!!!

But it’s ok bc ur the Best Significant Other Ever and you used imdb to research every possible death scene!! and u gave him a solid 3 second warning every time

ONE TIME u were just a little bit off and he watched something a lil gruesome

U lost ur abiliity to hear from the scream that he released

“im never watching a movie with you AGAIN!”

“i said i was SORRY sodfjsdiofjsdio”

He complained for so long but then you promised you’d make it up to him with some kisses and he was like.... “hehehe ok im down”

a whole baby!!!!!

Its around 11pm now!! You and gon are cuddling on the couch, and it’s so warm, and cute, and wholesome <333

Ur running ur fingers through his soft hair and playing with his fingers; he’s just calmly humming and loving every minute of this

u start to close ur eyes and u feel kinda sleepy, so you lay your head on byounggon’s chest and just nestle in

you’re about to say “goodnight chief” and call it a night

But something feels off?

u suddenly shoot TF up and your mind is racing and ur like “thE PROJECT  !!”, real movie type shit

Ur trying not to LOSE UR MIND while byounggon is just snoring away... his arms are wrapped so tightly around u, and ur mind is still 23% asleep

honestly... maybe u should just lean back into his chest and fall asleep....

But then ur guilt complex is like ‘NO the pROJECT’

U want to wake him up but Byounggon: has left the chat

You start poking at his cheek erratically, and when he FINALLY wakes up, he’s all mumbley and tired and CUTE

U break the tragic news to him and now you’re both contemplating mental breakdowns

For the next 6 hours you guys are DEDICATED to this project

U show up to school the next morning with ur masterpiece:

(yall i rlly made that shit, respect me)

your eyes are SO unbelievably red, and for some reason, ur hair has marshmallow fluff in it????? u have to convince byounggon not to eat that shit on four separate occasions

“It looks yummy”

“PLS restrain urself”

So ur looking a little bit busted, but still cute, bc ur BEAUTIFUL nd sexy

SOMEHOW byounggon still looks perfect???? He looks like he’s just been rejuvenated by 10 hours of sleep; his skin is glowing and his eyes are twinkling... #unfair

when u guys show up to class, your teacher is sO happy with your project!!!!

but then she takes one look at you and she’s like, “(y/n) can i talk to you for a minute pls?”

“ uhh yeah ok, sure!!”

U think she’s about to tell you that she’s so proud of you both for coming up with such a creative idea, and for doing such a good job with the materials u used, but then she’s like:

“(y/n) ur eyes are so red”

ur kinda :’((( bc u think she’s about to scold you for pulling an allnighter...she’s a mama bear

“Pls stop smoking before class it’s rlly inappropriate”

Ur mouth is dropped WIDE open and byounggon is in the corner, snickering the sleep deprivation away: u want to kILL HIM!

Honestly, ur so shook, u kinda just stand there in silence while your teacher just shakes her head and does one of those “tsk tsk tsk” things and walks away

When u go back to ur desk, byounggon is like, “yea (y/n), u should rlly stop smoking at school, it’s super rude and honestly kind of distract-”

The look u give him makes him shut UP IMMEDIATELY

but then he just cranes his long arms around ur waist and smiles into the crook of ur neck and he’s like: “baby im sorry i love u”

So wholesome :’))))

Ur choked up?? And after all that work, a little bit delirious? U lean back into him and tilt ur head to the side so he can kiss u

when he pulls away he gives u this rlly uneven smirk

“even if u smoke before class”

“RUN AWAY RIGHT NOW OR IM GONNA [redacted]”

A couple weeks later, u guys have to do this lab on human heart rate and metabolism

bc byounggon is ur deskmate, he’s also ur lab partner (unfortunately)

Byounggon is RLLY SMART, but honestly u guys are just rlly unproductive when ur together bc u just want to. . .. hug him (relatable)

For one part of the lab, somebody needs to stick their hand into ice water while the other person monitors their heart rate

Byounggon REALLY passionately wants to be the one to dunk his hand in the water tank and ur just like “lmao ok calm down”

HIS HAND HAS BEEN IN THE ICE WATER FOR THREE MINUTES

@ this point, ur concerned x 3493049304930

He’s just like: “im FINE it’s FINE, keep going”

His eyes are TWITCHING

U have to forcefully yank his hand out of the water because he literally will NOT??? why is he like this

But it’s ok bc u warmed up his hand with lots hand holding and sweet lil kisses <333333

overall, bio have been a WILD ride, but byounggon has made it so much more enjoyable,,, and u guys love each other lots,,, (y/n) and byounggon for cutest couple 2k19  😘

Okay so now for the studying!!!

byounggon kind of had to beg to get you to study with him at the library

but that’s only because every time u study with him, u dont retain SHIT, bc ur too busy drooling over his jawline

U wanted to be rlly strict and firm so you could actually be well prepared!!!! But when he started whining and hugging on you,,,, what wEre you SUppOSED to DO?!?

So NOW, u and gon are at the library

U make him sit across from u

Because the lord knows, if he’s sitting next to, he will not stop kissing ur face and u RLLY need to do some learning!!! Studious Queen

twelve minutes into mitosis and chill, byounggon is pouting and using his biology textbook as a pillow

Literally byounggon is the kind of guy that looks like he’d be a rlly messy student, but he will take one look at the textbook, and get a 96%

So ofc, he’s like... “studying... who’s she?”

He’s just staring at you

In this moment, u look SO CUTE, bc ur head is burried in your book, and ur hair is adorably messy, and ur eyebrows are scrunched together bc ur rlly focused

Ur the cutest thing he ever saw?????

“Gon,,, baby u have to stop staring at me,, i can’t concentrate”

He’s so GOOFY

“im noooooooooot”

(he totally is)

It’s been about two hours?? Byounggon took a power nap, and u reviewed everything u possibly could,,, now u just want byounggon to hum u to sleep

byounggon is POWERED UP (stream power up by red velvet)  from his nap and he’s very, very, very giddy

And a lil clingy bc u haven’t cuddled him today yet :/

He’s been saying “mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell” for about 8 minutes,,, u would throw ur bag of hot cheetos at him but he’s just too pretty

He’s laughing AT HIMSELF

Ur shaking ur head and laughing at him too

The librarian POPS UP out of literally nowhere?? She looks at byounggon playing candy crush on his phone and she’s like “SHHHHHHHHHH!!! young man! you are being so disrespectful! this place is for students to study! U need to leave immediately”

She’s about to point her finger at you too, but then:

“Ma’am i’ve never seen this boy in my whole life” 😜

Byounggon is Taken Aback™

He rlly can’t believe u just did that

U start laughing so hard bc PAYBACK

But his mind is just thinking.. . “top ten worst anime betrayals of all time”

The librarian is so annoyed with both of you she just turns around and mumbles something like “stupID KIDS”

U have to lug byounggon outside bc now he’s #embarrassed bc of the librarian, and #hurt because u threw him under the bus

He’s still pretending to be upset by the time u guys make it back to his house, and u have to give him all sorts of compliments to make everything okay again

“ur chin.... is straight SEXY”

“i think it’s cute that u eat bananas with sriracha”

“i, for one, like the screams you make when we watch horror movies”

THE COMPLIMENTS ARE SO STUPID BUT FOR SOME REASON HE’S BLUSHING???? blushy babyyyyy 💖

u conclude with a veryyyy sweet kiss on his lips

let’s just say... he forgives u

THE NEXT DAY!!! It’s time for ur exam omgomg :’))))))

byounggon finishes that shit in 26 minutes and somehow ends up getting a 92%

it took u a solid 48 minutes and u ended up with a nice and spicy 90%

he gets the better mark bc he’s god Lee Byounggon??? U will never understand bc he rlly doesn’t even try.... U can’t relate

But it’s ok

Because he’s the cutest thing to ever exist in the world, and even if he makes u the most unproductive person in existence, u love him more than anything <333

And he loves u bby!!!!!

the librarian, on the other, loves neither of u 😔 ......

THE END ! ! ! !

i love u all!! and thank u for ur support!! hit like if u feel bad for the librarian  😔

[luntica]

I process best when I write it out, so here was my trip to Paradise Valley Hospital.

It was like 3 am by the time we were seen into the er, the waiting room was nice enough, if very prison like. No fault of the people there I'm sure.

But the actual back was small, crowded, odviously under funded, odviously doing the best they can. The rooms were fitted with doors made of fire board of some sort, tape and plastic, held closed by velcro strip. A couple blood drops on the floor, Quentin unable to ignore it, kyr helping keep us calm as our eye's are checking everything. The sink didn't work, storage stuff filled the space, bed old and fitted with a sheet barely hanging on to it. They almost didn't let kyr in with me, but kyr is a much my care taker as partner these days and the guy was to tired to argue.

When we got seen, the nurses worked as quickly and well as they could, no complaint. Told them "rat bite but it's an allergic reaction" they awed at the bite and went about their jobs. One doc came in, we told him the same he left, another came in told him the same, he left. The lab guy came, took 3 weird bottles, and like 5 other vials, normal I think, since you know it could be anything, but they'll try allergy treatment first, it's just in case. A new drop was added to the floor, Quentin locks front and leaves.

eventually got given tylenol and a proxac or something. I wasn't really given a chance to process the different meds here named off to give me for my anxiety. (Melt downs and panic attacks but the unfortunate fawn way that I do, aka crying silently and waiting for numbness to take over) eventually I was given a room upstairs, wheeled in. Blankets, pillow and the gown. After the doctor who ripped one off me before, I preferred to stay in my clothing.

Not long until someone comes and puts the iv in. Confusion if it happened in the er or in the room. Small, sink by the door, folded wall thing keeping another room separate. Tolet in the back, window next to that. The hospital bed sits slightly off a wall because weird shelves are in the way of it being snug on the wall.

There I was occasionally visited by nurses who check the bag, my vitals, or add another bag. Kyr would only leave once I was asleep when they visited because we know I would full meltdown if they didn't.

I'd wake, try to stay calm, panic, cry, sleep. Occasionally during this cycle a nurse would come. I would explain I needed allergy and mental health care. They would say they told the doctor. They would leave. The cycle continued.

They said the doc visited twice, I only remember seeing her once, where she said she met me. I don't remember her, but I can't say she's lying. I have DID and trauma amnesia. I was freaking out, that's trauma, thus memory block.

Every time we tried to eat my thoughts filled with thoughts that it was poison. I knew the food wasn't poisoned, but I couldn't argue that the doctor wasn't blatantly ignoring me and was putting an oddly large amount of antibiotics into me.

I took pictures of the iv bags and sent it to kyr, and when they visited they asked the nurses directly. 3 different types of antibacterial. They were also giving me the normal fluids and one for my lack of eating. (Almost like I didn't have an appetite)

My mouth still has a slight taste to it that makes me feel so wrong.

Im pretty sure my whole microbiome in my body is dead.

My alters with trauma from isolation punishments were hugging scout like they would die if they didn't. Begging to not be in a place like that again.

Why was I and what was legally my caretaker at the time ignored?

Is it cause I disclosed I use weed? In California I think not.

Is it im trans? Or autistic? Or do they just treat everyone like that?

All I know is, we watched brave and cried and are doing everything to not let this fester.

My hand reduced in swelling, at about the rate as if I had never come in. I have those welts from the medical tape that seems to be common among eds sufferers. And two iv holes that hurt more to have in than the swollen hand.

/God bless America/ am I right?

[burntflorets]

things i want to say to you if we were still talking: day 4

7 april 2017 3:55am i can’t help but feel like you don’t give a shit about us anymore. idk. i texted u last night about the adex thing, even though u didn’t have mine u were just being helpful. by searching and all. idk i just can’t help but feel u don’t give a shit about us anymore. is your decision really no? is your decision really for us to go our separate ways? did u really give up on me?

4:17am i find myself alternating between moments of being needy or indifferent to you. i think i’m getting bipolar.

help

. idk what to feel anymore. what’s wrong with me. why am i feeling this way??

4:28am i thought i heard someone fall and my door opening wtf i got so scared. i looked out of the covers and didn’t see anything but i’m still fucking scared. ugh i hate it when i hear something in the middle of the night. holy shit it makes me paranoid. i wish u we’re here with me now.

7:43am i dreamt of u again. i couldn’t remember much, but we were happy

9:53am some days i feel nothing at all, some days i feel everything a little harder. and today’s one of those days.  let me slip into a coma and wake up when all these is over.

some vs guy called me over to assist bc he thought the tulips were all falling over and he said they looked like they were in bad condition. so i went over to see what he was on about. LOL there was nothing wrong with the plants and bc they were so tall, they were just flopping over. i guess he thought they were dying or broken and was hoping that i could cut some off and he could take some home. sorz dude. they just look like that. 

the tall flopping tulips reminded me of u being so tall that u started hunching over. and i teared up again.  yesterday i felt nothing at all, i felt fine. i thought i was slowy getting better. i was wrong. im feeling everything today. everything is rushing back to me so fast and hard i cant hold back my tears. idk. i need u even more today. but i don’t think u feel like you need me anymore.

12:31pm we went to marina sq to eat. we passed by the carls junior that we ate on the day u POP. idk why i felt even more depressed like i just felt super empty suddenly. now while waiting for the rest to draw money, we went into the korean shop, and the first thing i saw was your fav onion rings that i promised i would buy for u if i chanced upon it. i took it without thinking and then only realized that i won’t be seeing you anytime soon when i was going to pay at the counter. i was trying so hard to keep my tears in bc everyone was with me. idk i feel terrible.

2:59pm holy shit this visitor had a gopro hero 5 and WTF HE SAID GO PRO TAKE A PICTURE AND IT RLLY DID. IT HAS VOICE RECOGNITION WTF COOL BEANS. omg is that why u wanted a gopro hero 5???

5:30pm tho bought magkoli and it didn’t taste as nice as i thought it would. we drank a little in office and everyone didn’t rlly like it. and tho asked me to ta it and finish the whole bottle. honestly, if it tasted better i would have. bc i think i really need a drink rn. i’ve been feeling super shitty today. everyone asked about u. everything reminded me of u. i miss u so much.

8pm the urge to drink is real. i need a strong drink to knock me out so i wouldn’t have to deal with my late night thoughts. i bought rice beer from cheers. i would prefer vodka or breezes or sth but i would need more than 10 bottles of that to make me drunk. the rice beer was the only one which had the largest amount but q low alcohol level. oh wells i guess it works. as long as there is alcohol in my system i guess i can cope. i can’t wait for my parents cell group to leave before i can go down and drink. times like this, i wish i still had our soju and beer in my fridge, then i would be q drunk i think. idk. i wished i was drinking and smoking with you instead of alone. even though i love being alone, i would still prefer your company over being alone, even in silence.

8:45pm saw this on snapchat

How To Know If You Have Found Your Soul Mate

1. An Inner Knowing

Call it love at first sight or just a moment of intuition, a lot of people know when they have found “the one”.

If you feel comfortable, energized and intimate with someone even though you’ve only just met them, there’s a good chance the r/s will go the distance.

2. Mutual Respect

R/s often fall apart when the two people try to change each other.

Soul mates, however, accept one another (flaws and all) and when they step back see a partner they are very proud to be with.

They don’t want to change each other, so they tend to be less critical of each other, even when they disagree. they want to be the best partner possible to support the person that you are.

3. Being On The Same Page When It Matters

Soul mates don’t agree on everything. However, when it comes to the most important things in life like your values, goals, core beliefs and priorities, you are totally on the same page.

Soul mates tend to see the world through the same lens which makes their connection so much deeper because they understand one another.

4. Support And Nurture Each Other Soul mates celebrate each other’s success and help each other when the going gets tough. Soul mates are always rooting for each other and are proud to support their partner in everything they do.

Soul mates can help support you to great heights of personal and professional success.

5. Best Friends Forever

Soul mates just “get” each other. They can understand each other on a very deep level, even if they’ve only known each other for a short amount of time.

if you find someone who very quickly becomes your number one support, your partner in crime, and the first person you text when you have good or bad news, there’s a good chance that you’ve met your soul mate.

6. A Shared Version For The Future You share the same key values and what the same sort of things out of life, otherwise resentments grow and the r/s begins to sour.

To share a life that you both love, you first have to agree on what life will look like.

7. You Challenge Each Other

This can be challenging, because it will mean that the two of you are often encouraging one another to move out of your comfort zones.

The unique combination of challenges and support provided by a soul mate is a major catalyst for personal growth - and in the future, you’re sure to be grateful to each other for all the encouragement.

8. Sex Is Mind Blowing

Because they have such deep connection, sex between soul mates is destined to be unlike anything has either of them has ever experienced.

Soul mates profound love for each other combined with their ability to be honest and vulnerable creates a level of sexual chemistry that is off the charts.

9. You Both Fight To Make Your R/S Work

No matter how deep your connection, soul mates will inevitably run into bumps in the road - whether it be difficulties with family members, illnesses or financial troubles.

True soul mates find ways to fight together in order to make things better, because you’ll both want the r/s to survive more than you’ll want to defend your own egos.

10. You Feel Comfortable

You feel so comfortable around each other from the start. Even in the emotional whirlwind of falling in love. soul mates will find that they’ve never felt more secure in opening up to someone and showing their true self.

Soul mates delight in each other’s little quirks and feel great empathy for each other’s flaws and vulnerability.

11. You Can Spend Time Apart

Soul mates are able to strike the right balance between time together and time apart. they trust each other and still feel close when they are doing separate things, rather than being consumed with jealousy or anxiety.

They are able to let each other do what’s best for their individual lives yet at the same time also know that you’re happiest and more fulfilled when you’re enjoying quality time as a couple.

even though we do majority of wtv that has been said here, there are some things we still have to improve on. and i am willing to work on that with you. as long as you are willing to continue working on us with me

11:19 high but not enough to text you or call you. i miss u i wish u we’re here with me rn. i always associate the feeling of being high and drunk with you bc you’re the person i always drink with. and maybe bc of us always coming back to my place to have drunk sex after clubbing in the past. i just want to feel your skin against mine. i just want to feel your body heat against me. i just want to feel your arms around me. i just want to be taken care of by you like in the past when i'm high and drunk.

idk i'm tired. i miss u. i need u here in bed with me rn.