#it’s SUCH a powerful moment becuase it deals with more complex emotions than ‘man who everyone likes is shot by literal nazis’

[chewwytwee]

Finished better call Saul.

[futurewriter2000]

If we are not this, then what are we? - pt. 9

A/N: I didn’t expect this to be like this but I’m glad it did because it makes more sense in my head now, I connected the A, B and F. Hahaha. 

XX

James was laying down on his bed with an icepack on his face. He didn’t say a word since he had laid down. 

He was tired.

He had a headache.

He and Sirius had just been beaten up by Hufflepuffs. It was a big ego bruiser. 

Sirius was already asleep, since he already took a few painkillers too much and maybe his snores were exactly the cause to keep James awake. 

‘ “And the only slag I see is the abused, little puppy I see.” ‘ - The memory echoed in his mind. Why would he say that to you?  He shut his eyes but the scene continued to resolve in front of him. Whether he opened them and stare at the ceiling or shut them close so hard that the headache only got worse, he could still see you hurt. It was if he could physically see the scars he caused you. 

It wasn’t just the fact he said it but he feels it- he feels so much tightness inside his body when he thinks of last night; because he cannot remember anything and it feels like that today, the happily you walked to him, smiled, started a normal conversation before he turned it into chaos, the more he thinks something happened between the two of you at that party. 

Did something happen? 

He didn’t say anything stupid, did he? Or said something as if he loved you... because he didn’t. 

James opened his eyes wide and hugged the small red pillow in his arms. He burried his face into it and shut his eyes. 

‘ I don’t love her.’ he told himself before his stomach started spinning inside of him. ‘I am not in love with her! We bicker all the time! She hates me. I hate her. And what happened today? She went all mellowdramatic on me. Just because I told her that her boyfriend is nothing but a man whore- which he is. I do not know what she sees on him. She doesn’t know the guy as I do-  and she couldn’t stop shouting, knowing I have a headache and that I really wasn’t in the mood.’ he turned on the other side and opened his eyes. ‘She knows when to poke me and she thought she would win an argument yesterday just because I was hungover.’ he turned back on the other side and felt a smirk appear on his lips. ‘ Well, joke’s on her because...’ 

He thought back on the whole morning and just felt his eyes tear up. He could feel the tightness in his chest as he continued to hear the awful words he spat at you. He knew if the tightness grew... he wouldn’t be able to hold it in anymore.  He brought the pillow up to his nose and took a deep breath in. As soon as he did, he could remember you, your childhood, your laugh and your tears. Every year replayed in his head like a movie and he? He cried.

He couldn’t keep it inside himself anymore. 

He tried to ignore it. 

“I don’t love her.” he kept saying, sobbing into the the pillow before crouching over and continuing to wipe his nose into it. 

‘Even if you wouldn’t love her, you still shouldn’t have acted the way you did.’ - someone in his head whispered and he could feel the pressure in his shadow expand to his full head.

He couldn’t hold it in. He kept trying to push it down but the more that he tried, the more it came up. 

“Why do I have to fuck up everything!” he bawled, not even caring if he woke up the poor, drooling Sirius next to him. “Why do I fuck up everything that I love?”

All he felt at this moment was a wish to be alone. No Sirius, not anybody... he just wished to be alone. 

---

You walked into Astronomy class and saw him sitting behind your desk, alone. You felt your feet melt into the ground until you couldn’t move. 

There was something inside of you that just screamed something wasn’t right. 

“Come on.” Will took a hold of your hand and pulled you to his desk. 

All four James, Sirius, Will and Will’s best friend Davie were called to the office because of the fight. Will explained the reasons why but tried to leave you out of it as much as he could. James was quiet from what Will told you, as well as Davie, who stepped on Will’s side. Sirius, however, did not leave you out and that was why you were called to Slughorn’s office this afternoon. 

The professor entered the class and looked at all five of you. “Glad to see the three of you decided to keep your distance from each other. Wouldn’t want another disrespectful assult in my class.” he glared at you, then Will and later at James, who only turned his head to the empty seat beside him. 

‘I wish I knew what he was thinking...’ - you caught yourself say in your mind before looking forward and ignoring that same thought. 

He hurt you.

He disrespected you. 

He embarassed you. 

Why do you still care? 

But your eyes couldn’t stop glancing at him from time to time. He held his head with his palms, massaging the sides of it and ruffling the hair on top. 

He usually did that when he had a migrane and usually, they could get quite bad. 

Again, why do you still care? 

‘I don’t.’ - you answered yourself, shaking your head and trying to focus on the class. 

“Professor?” James raised his hand and leaned back on his chair. 

“Yes, Potter?” 

“Can I go to Madam Pomfrey? I’m really not feeling quite chipper this morning.” 

Chipper. He used that word every time when he had a migrane and the two of you couldn’t hang out because of it. It must have stucked and he must have realized it as well, since he hated the word chipper and he glanced over his shoulder to see you. 

His eyes were completely swollen. The glasses might have helped to disguise it but you couldn’t ever not notice James not being himself. 

“I don’t remember you having migranes before, Potter.” the professor whipped his voice. 

“I haven’t had them for years. I used to have them a lot when I was a kid.” James kept looking at the professor. “I don’t even know why I’m asking you this!?” James snapped and stood up. “I am going to be nineteen soon. I surely do not need your permission to get out of class anymore.” he started gathering his stuff.

“Potter! Watch your mouth!” 

But James didn’t much care for what anybody said because his migrane kept increasing by every passing second. The light was only making everything worse and he stumbled across the classroom, holding himself up by the chairs and the desks. “Shit- sorry- pardon me-” he kept saying to anybody he bumped into. He hit his toe into the foot of the desk and cursed under his breath. “Bloody- urghhh!” he grit his teeth, feeling Sirius take his arm and help him up. 

“I got you, mate.” said Sirius and tried to lift him up. 

James kept his eyes half-closed due to the light but was thankful for Sirius who was there to pick him up as he was falling down. He smiled at him just before locking his eyes with you as they passed your desk. 

He could see something inside of them... almost as you were worried for him but he quickly looked away becuase of his guilty conscience. 

You hate him. Period. 

He knew he messed up. There was no chance anymore that the two of you could ever reconcile and burry the hatchet.

What he forgot to remember wasn’t only the night of your kiss but also the fact that you were a person who cared so much more than she should. Even when people stomped on her, beat her down, made her feel the worst of herself, she could never do the same. 

That’s who you were. You were that person who could never be cruel to anybody, no matter how much they have hurt her. 

And at situations like this, you felt most naive. 

---

James was laying in bed, his head thrown back as the tears kept coming out of his eyes.

 It hurt. He almost forgot how much these migranes hurt but as soon as Madam Pomfrey came to the rescue, she numbed the pain and let James rest. 

Sirius hasn’t left his side. He sat by and waited for his best mate to get well. His eyes kept watering, his leg kept jumping. 

What was happening to him? What was happening to James?

“You look like I died or something.” James smiled at him as Sirius quickly looked up at him, smiling. 

“Just planning to take your spot in the Chaser postion- become the only bachelor in Hogwarts.” he joked and James laughed with him. “How are you mate?” 

“Like someone threw a boulder at me.” 

“Your eyes are completely swollen. Do you think it was an allergy or something?”

James thought of the night he spent on crying but quickly shook the feeling off. “Yeah... maybe... I dunno.”

Sirius knew he was lying to him. He heard him cry all night but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything about it. He didn’t know how to approach someone as much as James did. He wanted to try but he just couldn’t. He didn’t know how to. That was James’ area of expertise. 

“Well, Potter. That must have been quite a terrible migrane but it also must have been quite the party.” she looked up at him with a smirk as James flushed red. 

“I- uhm- I don’t know what you are talking about, Madam Pomfrey.”  James spoke loud and clear. 

“I don’t like liars, Potter.” she scolded him. “Whatever you wished not to remember, you should deal with it like Muggle, not take a rememberance potion like an ungraduated witchcraft student.” she continued to scold meanwhile James and Sirius only exchanged a confused look. 

“A rememberance potion?”

“Madam Pomfrey, we barely passed Potions. “

“Doesn’t mean you can’t make someone else make it for you.” she continued to say.

“Are you saying it caused a migrane?” James asked, leaning forward as he remembered the night he forgot and the morning that followed. 

“I’m saying that it was a memory that became powerfully connected to your emotions. However horrible, erasing a memory that powerful can be more dangerous than just a migrane. It could end in you losing all your memories but becuase it was a poorly made potion, that did not happen. Those can usually just cause irritation, aggression, nasusa, complex of emotions and migranes. Reckon, from what I heard Potter, that it might have been a great possibility for your outburst yesterday and your migrane today. I think, whoever made this potion-” she looked suspiciously at them before giving James two compress, dipped camille tea, on his eyes. ” This is for the swelling but as I was saying; whoever made this potion must have mixed the linden root with the pine root- which is the impossible to do since those are two completely different roots...” she kept talking to herself, moving away from the boys who kept staring at her. 

Sirius looked at James, who was lying flat on his back with two compress on each of his eye. “Pads... someone tried to erase my memory.” he said seriously but heard a laughter beside him.  “Pads! I’m serious!”

“It’s hard to take you seriously when you look like a woman on her spa treatment.” he continued to laugh as James sat up and threw the camille tea dipped compress out of his way, glaring at him. 

“Something happened that night, Pads! And someone doesn’t want me to remember it!”