#it would need to be a cis guy and an irl friend to which cuts down on my options

[radlymona]

(Don't post off anon) Your fandom artist reblog reminded me... I admit to being a loser & joining lots of fic exchanges and other fan creation event Discords lately, and I do NOT know how you can brush up against these spaces and not face the glaring reality that kids are picking up trans identities like emo fashion or sparkledog OCs. There are always places to pick your "pronoun role" and they're ALWAYS 50-60+% they/neopronouns. And as for the huge selection of "he"s? Sorry not to stereotype but I highly doubt a cis guy in his 20s is joining hyper fandom events to write slash fanfiction.

(Oh and also they all love to make characters trans and rape fic is progressive praxis. Of course. I feel like reading/writing porn of trans characters is its own fetish, but since they're armed with 'he/they' pronouns, it can masquerade as representation.)

(Ctd):

I completely get what you mean here and I wanted to expand about something related to this widespread gender crisis for teen girls.

While I don't want to oversimplify why there's been such a massive increase in female teens adopting trans identities, I think part of it is that it's essentially a substitute for being a part of subculture. Today's nonbinary xie/xir is yesterday's scene kid, is last week's goth kid.

The way that coming out of trans seems to spread rapidly within friend groups (I personally witnessed a version of the ROTG effect while in high school with former friends), feels like how one person would come out as goth (usually the 'leader' of the group) and then rapidly the rest of the friend group would come out as such so they wouldn't be left out of the group. It goes back to what you were saying about wanting to fit in. This isn't to say that everyone stops being goth after school/uni, but obviously let's be real - most do.

Moreover, the new names trans teenagers adopt often sound like the silly nicknames teens would use with each other in these subcultures like "blood" and "raven". I've lost the post but there was a trans activism insta page with a list of trans teens protesting the ban on puberty blockers in the uk. The list included names like "coven", which again sounds like something a 14 year old would go by in 2007 chat room. The difference is that 14 year olds now believe it's a legitimate name because of the online TRA slop they've been ingesting. It affects interests too, "Gender" was an interest a former friend of mine suddenly had, replacing all her other hobbies like writing and other creative endeavours. And I think this is reinforced by the isolation of the online spaces you've discussed above.

But the difference between becoming trans and becoming goth/scene etc. is that the former involves way more life changes, especially if you've medically transitioned. This of course promotes the sunken cost fallacy, because it's a lot more embarassing to change back to she/her pronouns after forcing your family to call you he/they for four years. A photo with a bad scene hairstyle is something you cringe at in your 20s, and laugh about in your 30s+. It's a lot harder to laugh about the time you thought you were a boy or a special genderless being.

And I have to wonder if this mass gender crisis would be as widespread if teens still had proper irl subcultures, not just online spaces to interact with other strangers who reinforce their delusions rather than naturally growing out of phases. Figuring out your identity and rebelling against social norms as an awkward teenager by adopting a dramatic fashion sense is a perfectly normal thing to go through. A 14 year old girl genuinely believing that she's a boy named Kai who needs to go on puberty blocks and cut off her breasts otherwise she'll kill herself is not.

[ragamuffin-ponies]

I got these commissioned by DreamZ, one of my favorite artists. Please check out her art and engorge her to make more Rarijack content:

Hopefully that link works

This is about to get serious I think. At least as serious as I can get on my fucking Tumblr page called Ragamuffin Ponies 😭

A couple months ago I had an extremely intense anxiety attack because I couldn't find a good profile picture on my fucking discord. I wanted one that was Rainbow Dash but with short hair. I ended up using the following picture

This image was edited and uploaded anonymously to derpibooru. No artist is known. I used ai to upscale the image to HD, it was pretty low quality before.

Even looking at them not to check the sources I can feel my chest tighten. I'm still not sure why I got this way, but it was the catylist to find out why certain things like this have been meeting me feel so terrible for as long as I can remember.

I'm still figuring it out, but I think a lot of it can be chalked up to some sort of gender dysphoria. No I have not talked to my shrink about this yet. Shortly after graduating college I befriended a plethora of trans, nonbinary, or otherwise genderqueer/transexual individuals. It's crazy now quickly people you've never met in person can become such integral parts to your life. One of my favorite aspects of the human existence for sure. Anyway, hearing them talk about their trans experience, especially one of them in particular, I caught myself going "wow I was exactly the same way when I was a kid," or "I've thought the same thing all the time."

I used to be pretty transphobic, and although there is one specific person I've hurt dearly (who I have fully apologized and made up with all these years later) I never went out of my way to harass anyone because I wasn't evil like that, just wrong. I always told myself "yeah I'd rather be a girl but I can't do that because something something biology facts and logic". I have long hair and when I cut it I hated myself. It's not a suprise that when I shave my arms and legs I stop literally making myself sick and my sh desires go away by at least 60%. It's a lot of bullshit that I think most other people would have maybe all picked up on by now, but idk if anyone has.

Now, I'm not trans. There's definitely things I still like about being a guy I think. Genderfluid is a label that I think really fits me, but I'm NOT COMING OUT OKAY? For now I'm still cis. This is all very new we're talking a couple months. It's more like I'm questioning right now.

I really want to reach out to one or more of my trans friends for help, but I'm afraid where to start. Number one I don't want to just vent to them. I definitely don't want to say the wrong thing and trigger or insult them. But most of all I don't want to be a burden.

Also right now my brain wants to just stay in the closet forever. But that's worse than bisexuality, which I only need to hide from my parents and grandparents. With it being my actual gender idk how long I can keep the jig up. Lol I say that like they don't already know I'm bi and it's not just some big dumbass game. Completely by happenstance, I managed to explain what genderfluid was and naturally they were like "wow what kind of world are we living in" and it definitely visibly upset me but I don't think anyone noticed. I just went into my room quickly. And that was months ago, before I was even confident in my self-diagnosis (which again, I'm still not sure about. I might still be cis or I might be something else. No clue bro). So I don't ever tell my parents, okay, then what? I tell my brother? My girlfriend? My irl friends? My internet friends? Random strangers on Tumblr?? I settled on the last one for now. I still need to figure out what the fuck is even happening to me.

I'm glad this is happening when I'm in the safest, just emotionally sound, financially / mentally stable point I've been in in my life though. The timing is great because I can take as long as I want to figure this all out.

PS. I only haven't mentioned it to my gf yet bc idk how the hell she'd react, plus it's all still so new, both my emotions and our relationship. She is VERY gender nonconforming, very butch. Except she is completely cis gendered and straight as an arrow. Plus her being a gender enigma aside (and I am being very presumptuous when I say this) a lot of her friends seem homophobic, although she isn't. Obviously. Don't want to get too far into it bc I don't want to seem judgemental of people I haven't met but I've seen enough to make me already hate two of them maybe three. And that's just through social media and like three conversations. I might try to drop a few hints here and there, because I think if anyone should know it should be her, right?

PPS. I hate the genderfluid pride flag it fucking sucks and genuinely that might be on the cons list. Same reason I'm bisexual instead of pansexual even though I'm actually pansexual, the pansexual flag sucks and the bi flag rocks don't @ me

Anyway DMs are open if you want to help me the fuck out

[noblehouseofgay]

Total disassociation, fully out your mind

Googling “derealisation,” hating what you find

Figured I would talk about the shit friend

The bad one

And the even worse ones

Okay, so, bad friend, right. They called me my name yesterday… out of the thirty times they tried to get my attention. They only called me my fucking name one fucking time. Which fucking sucks dude. I started talking to an irl friend who has been like “talk to them about it. It’s hurting you” but like, I had to do nothing.

Not to mention that this so called friend hasn’t reached out for two weeks

Not through text anyways. We used to do our fun lil subtle cosplays, but now it’s just me. Which is fine, it just hurts knowing that I was the one initiating everything. And like, I know I suck at that shit too, but at least I put in more effort when people text me other than “okay” or “sounds good”

Also, this friend has dated two of the three people in this really shitty group of people I was friends with

I told them that these people harmed me, but they didn’t care

To put it into perspective, a few years back, I was friends with these three. One of them said a sexist thing towards men, and then said that since he is a man, he is allowed to say it. Everyone started backing him up. (He is trans, if that matters.)

Anyways, that group forced me to talk to the school counsellor with them which is… illegal. The counsellor had the audacity to say “oh yeah, you are crying because you still want to be friends with them”

SIR THEY CALLED ME CHILDISH FOR KEEPING A DISTANCE FROM THEM. I NEEDED DISTANCE SO I WOULDNT FUCKING BREAK OUT AND THEY BROKE THAT SHIT

I have fucking screenshots upon screenshots of proof of the fucking shit they said

She (one of the members) called me immature, stubborn, petty and childish for keeping my distance. She said that I needed to re-examine where my loyalties lie. She told me that if I couldn’t get over a “simple disagreement with someone” without cutting off friendships, I “wouldn’t make it very far in life”

They wanted to agree to disagree over this subject… which I found stupid. Sexism is sexism, hate to break it to you. Doesn’t matter the gender.

These people were manipulating me for a while. I never explicitly said before that I didn’t want to be friends, okay, but they were like “I don’t think this is a matter to end a friendship on ❤️” which makes me sound like a jerk, I get that, but her fucking tone. She was like “sorry I offended you, but this remark could not harm anyone. Saying boys are dumb doesn’t hurt anyone”

IT DOES

HAVE YOU SEEN THE INSECURITIES OF OUR GENERATION

AND YOU ARE SO FUCKING PRO-BEING A GOOD PERSON

She (same girl, sorry, these pronouns rn are wack) had the audacity to tell me that she loved me and my friend. After all of that shit talk

Thats so fucked oh my god

Nah bc I joke about hating guys, but I usually joke about cis guys specifically. Bc like fuck cis white men yk. But if you're an exception- then y k that

But as a trans guy it does suck sometimes bc like, I lived as a girl. Ive dealt with issues on both sides. And yk if people don't think about it that's ok,, but if you get called out, that fucking means somwthing

Anyway let me kill them for you pretty pls

[holyfuckthisfishcandrive]

Rent and Grafitti

First, Previous (Chap 19), Ao3

Word count: 1553

Warnings: semi-grafic description of a gory picture

Mum closed the door behind her staring at the ground in front of her.

"Our rent was paid," she said numbly.

"What?" Luan asked surprised.

Janus forced himself to act surprised as well.

"Yes, Mx Johnas said it was paid a few days ago. He was confused when I tried to ask him for a little more time to get the money together."

Janus managed not to smile proudly. He had faked Mum's handwriting for the letter, even if he hadn't actually signed it. Their landlord knew Mum's handwriting. He had learned to fake both handwritings and signatures in English five years ago.

It was a far more useful skill than most people thought.

While he and Luan prepared dinner Mum and Luan continued talking about the mysterious bill payer until a phone beeped in their bedroom and Mum left to check whose it was.

"I'm not sure why," Luan spoke quietly, clearly not meaning for Mum to hear him, "but I have the feeling you have something to do with this."

Janus froze for a split second.

"What makes you think that?" he asked. "Where would I even get that kind of money from? I don't even have a job."

Luan shrugged.

"I don't know. I don't know how you spend your free time. Maybe you picked it up after that heist? Maybe you found a different way to earn money. You're a clever kid. I wouldn't put it past you."

"I didn't do anything though," Janus lied.

"Alright, I didn't mean to accuse you of anything."

"Babe?" Mum called from the bedroom. "Your boss is calling."

Luan dropped his head with a sigh before pushing off the counter to leave the room.

Janus took over the pan and mum came back into the kitchen.

"How was your day, anyway?" she asked. "Did you meet up with any friends?"

For a moment he contemplated lying but he decided to be honest with her for once. She deserved to know at least something about his life.

"No, I had detention."

"What? Why? What happened?"

"Mr Heller called this trans guy in my Latin class a girl and a fake boy so I called him out on it."

"And he gave you detention?"

Janus nodded not looking at her.

Mum put a hand on his shoulder.

"You know you were in the right anyway, don't you?" she asked, pride in her voice.

Janus smiled up at her. "Yeah, of course, I do."

Mum pulled him close in a one-armed embrace. "How did I end up with the best son in the world, huh? I'm sorry I've been so busy lately."

"It's fine," Janus said. "I'm old enough to take care of myself."

She was quiet for a moment.

"That's what I'm afraid off," he caught her whispering before she went to set the table.

Luan came back in a little later saying that his boss had ordered him to come immediately and that they shouldn't wait for him to eat. He looked as done as possible with the world as he put his coat back on but Janus knew that his boss wouldn't ever get to see that glare.

Mum turned on the TV saying that maybe 'those thieves' had struck again and they could pick up a bit of cash if it was nearby. Janus chuckled knowing full well that this wouldn't be the case.

It had almost been a month since their bank robbery and he and Virgil had more plans already but it'd take time. They couldn't risk getting arrested, running into some supervillain, accidentally making the mafia their enemy or running intro Heartrate and his sidekicks. Neither of them were fighters after all.

At least as far as Janus was aware. At this point, he doubted anything about Virgil could surprise him anymore.

Mum switched through the channels until she finally found the news.

Some guy Janus didn't recognize had died at the age of 78 and Mum told him that he had been hot when she had been young.

"And- this just in - Professor Logic is on his second heist this month!"

That caught Janus' attention. Prof Logic wasn't the type to conduct heists often.

Security footage of the inside of the Central Bank showed Logic shoving a man towards a vault with a gun to his back. The man shook as he began opening the vault. The Professor looked up as if something had caught his attention before turning towards the camera. It looked like someone had brought it to his attention even though there was no one there with him. He aimed and the footage cut off.

After dinner, Janus helped Mum clean up the kitchen and she went to bed.

Janus let his pet snakes, Deklan and Desmund out of their cage and let them drape over him as he sat down on his bed and picked up his phone.

Four unread messages.

Two from the girl he was assigned to do a presentation with asking when and where they should meet up to work on it which he didn't even open so she wouldn't know he had read them - he didn't feel like texting her back - and two from Virgil he opened without hesitation.

The first was a badly lit picture of a graffiti of head, detached from the neck, with what looked like blood dripping down and something he couldn't really make out in the left eye. The second was a single question mark.

Janus didn't need more to understand what Virgil wanted to know.

 Looks cool

 What's with the eye?

He waited if Virgil would respond for a few minutes and left the messenger app to go to his browser - oh.

He had forgotten what he had looked u earlier.

The colours of the nonbinary pride flag illuminated his face - or was it their face?

"They," Janus whispered, trying to picture someone using the pronoun. "Their name is Janus."

They sat up and pet Desmund, letting their fingers slide over her smooth scales.

'They' sounded nice.

It made Janus smile.

But did that really mean that Janus was nonbinary?

'He' didn't exactly feel bad after all. Just not as good as 'they'.

With a sigh Janus began to scroll through different posts made by nonbinary people, scanning most of them only briefly and dropping a like here and there on the ones that came so close to home it was almost weird and a few nice artworks.

 It's okay if it's just a phase.

The phrase was in the same font, in the same colour as everything around it but it made Janus freeze, thumb on the screen, ready to scroll on.

Instead, Janus read the post.

The message was simple.

That is was fine to experiment with pronouns, labels and names, even if you came to the conclusion that you were cis the entire time. At the end was a smiley face and the words that had stopped Janus.

 It's okay if it's just a phase.

"They," Janus whispered again and clicked on the comment button.

 Thank you

Then they switched back to their messenger app.

Virgil was online and had read the texts but not replied yet. Not that it mattered.

 Can you meet me at Winblae by the park in 15?

Janus hesitated before sending, watching the 'Typing...' blink in and out of existence next to Virgil's contact name before finally tapping the small blue button.

The two arrows turned blue right away.

The 'Typing...' disappeared again.

 sure

 emergency?

Janus couldn't help a small smile.

 no, just need to talk to you irl

They brought their snakes back to their cages and noticed that their fingers were shaking slightly.

Virgil wouldn't mind, right? He wasn't transphobic. Or enbyphobic... right?

They took a deep breath, grabbed their jacket and climbed out of the window.

They would be fine.

It was just a coming out.

To their best friend.

It would be fine.

Virgil was already at the park when Janus got there.

He sat on a swing and stared into the cloudy sky.

Janus took a seat on the one next to him.

"So, what's up?" Virgil asked, looking at them. "Did something happen?"

Janus took a breath and let it out watching it turn into fog in the cold air.

"Kind of," they began. "Nothing bad though, don't worry. At least I don't think it's bad. I just... I've been thinking lately..."

"A dangerous past time," Virgil commented and it startled a chuckle out of them.

"I think... I think I might not be a boy," Janus finally managed to say.

Virgil was quiet for a moment.

"Are you... something else?" he then asked.

"I'm not sure but I think I might be nonbinary."

The statement hung in the air between them and Janus wished they could take it back and stuff it down, deep down so it'd never reach the outside world.

"Do you want me to call you by different pronouns then?" Virgil asked.

"Maybe they/them?"

"Okay," Virgil nodded to himself. "A different name?"

Janus felt a weight fall of their chest.

"No, I think Janus is fine."

Virgil smiled at them.

"Okay," he said.

Yeah, this was fine.

"So, where did you spray that head?" Janus asked. "Because the pic was shit."

Next

Taglist:

@patton-cake , @isabelle-stars

[theclaravoyant]

Enjoying all your trans appreciation fan works and reblogs so much! I'm not sure if you'll know this but maybe some of your followers might? I have a character in an og work that's trans, but I identify as cis. Do you know of any writing blogs or spaces that could give me advice both on writing a trans character well and also on what plot lines I should or shouldn't give them?

Hi! I am so glad you are enjoying the works! Thanks for the ask, I will do my best to answer below the cut.

The first thing to think about is that everyone has different perspectives on what should be expected when writing experiences that aren’t necessarily your own, and what counts as ‘your own’ experiences. The number one piece of advice everyone gives is “do your research, listen to trans people” which is super important but I promise you, it will get confusing and possibly nervewracking trying to do it ‘right’ the more perspectives you hear. Yay. Just do your best and somebody somewhere will appreciate it; as with any writing and representation, remember that you will never be able to please everybody and as hard as that is, it’s just reality. You’re also not pleasing anybody by not writing trans characters at all, so you already can’t win. I will start off to say, as a nonbinary (trans) person, thank you for trying and for reaching out, and I hope others appreciate that effort too.

For me personally, I try to strike a balance which an author described once along the lines of “I can include [x people] in my stories, but I can’t write about being [x].” There are certain inner lives and experiences of people eg. from different cultures, different religions, different gender experiences etc than ourselves that we may never be able to fully capture, so we may be limited in the depths to which we can authentically explore their inner lives, BUT we can and should still include such characters. They may not necessarily be able to be our most main characters, due to these limitations in depth and authenticity, but we can still populate our world with them. I think this is where you should consider aiming if you aren’t already.

Finding this balance feeds into the sort of ‘stories you shouldn’t tell’ idea. The main three to avoid are all somewhat intertwined and they are:

- depression- voyeurism- guilt

Similarly to with a lot of same sex attracted characters, trans people tend to be most tired of our stories being about the Struggle, depression/suicide, abuse etc. It’s a valid consideration since it’s such a reality for many trans people, but it’s pretty much all the stories we have. (There’s also plenty of struggle for the parents coming to terms with things etc......... bit over that focus too tbh). This article calls it ‘the cis gaze’ and it dominates the current media landscape when it comes to trans stories; we’re getting more of them, but they’re all the same. Think of just about any mainstream trans story and then... try something else)

Also, a lot of trans stories still end up being kind of... voyeuristic? There’s a lot about transition, surgery, and especially body parts and sex, and it’s kinda objectifying and gross. There’s also the concept of deadname reveals - a deadname being usually the name assigned at birth, which falls out of use and can even be triggering when a person realises they are trans and/or transitions. I personally don’t mind the occasional deadname reveal and similar in stories, especially when the “trans people are inherently deceptive” trope is subverted, but seriously it is in SO MANY trans stories, usually as a Shocking Twist that doesn’t let trans people have a right to privacy of their backstories. Of course, there’s lots in any character’s backstory that is vulnerable to become a shocking twist, but with trans people it comes with added baggage of being outed against our will and being treated as inherently deceptive for trying to live our lives. There’s extra weight to shocking twists of a trans nature (whereas if the trans character’s shocking twist was, they were born in a different country or they’re actually an expert marksman or something, that’s got less baggage - you can still do twists! just be mindful of ones where transness of the character is the ‘punchline’ if you will). If you can avoid deadnaming altogether, I would recommend that, or at least or subvert it (eg, someone finds out deadname, doesn’t feel need to reveal this to the universe and/or helps keep it quiet) or discourage it (eg. only this character’s abusive parents deadname them).

The main thing with this is, don’t make the trans character feel guilty about being trans, or seem shady/deceptive or incomplete for being trans. Don’t frame it like it’s some terrible secret, or that they Must reveal that they are trans or else they’re lying to their friends/partner/etc. This is one of the reasons why deadname reveals are so problematic, whether they are done by another character (outing someone against their will... don’t make good guys do this) or by the character themselves out of a sense of obligation, fear, or shame.

DON’T, DO NOT HAVE TRANS VILLAINS PLEASE. I just don’t think we’re at a place yet where there’s enough balance for this to be equal. It tends to get at the whole “men disguise themselves as women to rape women” thing which is a big ew especially because real transphobes really exist and really think this.

Also, avoid “she used to be a dude” jokes or similar, especially when met with unimaginable horror/being a dealbreaker (sitcoms i’m looking at you)

Don’t worry though, there are a lot of things you CAN do to make good trans rep. A few things that I think are good are:

- if your character has physically or medically transitioned in some way, reference that; it doesn’t require mentions of genitals. maybe someone has to shave their face more often, take injections, wear or not wear a binder

- treat transition as an ongoing processes rather than a single cathartic moment

- maybe the character has an odd or unusual name, or goes by many names in different contexts

- maybe the character has a dark past that may include some of the above, but now they are living healthily and happily; this is more important than never having gone through the above

- the character is likely to be sensitive to misgendering (eg. if they are a man, being mistaken for a woman or described in feminine terms)

- give the character dreams and goals outside of transitioning

- explore and respect the diversity of trans experiences; it is not as straightforward as being ‘a man/woman trapped in a woman/man’s body’ (and while we’re at it, not every trans person aggressively hates or is traumatised by their body - if you want more on dysphoria I can definitely talk about that but this is getting a bit long so I’ll press on for now)

- involve the characters in loving romantic relationships; trans people, and especially trans women, tend to be really hypersexualised (even when seen as simultaneously repulsive), not as complete beings with love lives (and/or regular, healthy sex lives that aren’t inherently perverted pornographic messes). mixing this up is refreshing

- don’t only have one trans character. not saying that you have to think up a whole gaggle of trans folk in detail, make trans mainstream in your mythical society, or have 3/9 squad members be trans or something, but for example, maybe the trans character lives out of home with other trans characters, or maybe if they are feeling isolated from other trans people over the course of the story, they seek out an environment where other trans people are and all they need to mention is “I went down to [known queer hangout] the other day” or “this is my new friend, [new trans person]”. maybe a character finds out this character is trans and goes “oh yeah, like aunt such and such.” I know the struggle as a writer that comes with trying to do everything in depth and well and all, so something like this is a good way to signal that trans people aren’t alone in your world - which is something that many of us feel irl

- and above all, give them ‘normal’ character storylines that don’t revolve around them being trans, and then weave the transness through, rather than treating transness as their entire plot/point of being.

There are some more articles here and here, I have heard this is good, and there is more and more coming out lately (eg this tag) which may help you from here. I am happy to give further advice or detail if you like, but I hope this is a good starting point for you!

[rontufox]

trans ask game taken from here!

How did you choose your name?

I wasn’t gonna change it initially.  I like my given name.  but I don’t like attention or talking irl, especially about myself.  so I figured I’d have a simpler time if I changed it to something more people considered masculine  

my new name had to start with B so my initials could remain BLT.  I also wanted a “white” name cuz although I’m biracial, my given name was white, and it just feels weird to have a name of totally different feeling, in that regard

the only B names I liked were already associated with people I knew, which I didn’t want.  so I kinda stopped.  I wasn’t motivated to find a name LOLOL.  one night, my cousin asked what I’m changing my name to.  when I was like “idk man I can’t find any I like” he pulled up a huge list of B names on the internet and just started reading them off the whole night lolol.  a few resonated with me, but Brian really felt right.  

I like how it sounds out loud, the feeling it gives.  I like its meaning (strong, virtuous, and honorable or hill/noble).  it’s Irish, which I am, so that was perfect.  and, amazingly, the strokes involved in writing it are actually really similar the ones I use for my given name

in the end I’m even more glad I changed my name, for feeling so much more of a self-made person.  it was kind of a new start, where I could decide anything.  I chose my own name.  I could choose anything else in life I wanted.

What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria)

my dysphoria stopped after I got top surgery and transitioned socially ✌🏼

What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?

in college.  that’s when I fully learned the term.  I always knew what I was since I was 5 or 6.  but college is when I learned there’s a term and community for what I was.

What is your favorite part of being transgender?

just, being able to be myself, freely.  

How would you explain your gender identity to others?

trans guy

How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? 

I thought I’d stay closeted irl forever honestly.  it always seemed something I’d never be capable of.  coming out as trans was something incredibly strong people did.  people who were wiling to change their entire life.  well... I eventually became that person.

I first came out to my online friend Bsumo.  that was easy cuz they’re amazing, and we talked about gender so much anyway.  then I came out online, only on tumblr (I’ve been stealth online all my life).  after that, I personally told a few people irl I really trust.  next in line was my parents.  I had no idea how that would go.  but I was prepared to be rejected.  it went okay

then I had to come out at work.  I wanted to do that before making an announcement to my extended family via facebook to avoid anyone at work seeing it.  and that, was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  I’m very fortunate to work in a progressive organization, so I knew I’d be okay.  but it was hard.  I first told the CEO and our HR person.  it’s really, really hard to let the words out.  but I did it.  and the second I did, it was like... a floodgate.  like, there was absolutely no turning back at that moment and I loved it.  I told the rest of my coworkers in a meeting a few weeks later.  I gave them my new name and the pronouns they should use for me.  the older generation staff members had trouble getting the hang of it, but I didn’t meet any intentional resistance

I will say, you receive allyship and rejection in very unexpected places when you come out.  people you thought would support you that don’t.  people you thought would avoid you, reach out and advocate for you.  it was all quite an interesting experience.  

What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been?

none

What are your experiences with binding or tucking?

tried binding a few times before I had surgery.  I couldn’t stand to wear it more than 3 minutes.  it triggered a fight or flight response in my body for some reason.  like the panic you feel when your finger or limb gets stuck in something and your life flashes before your eyes as your mind overreacts thinking you’ll never escape.  I even cut a binder off with scissors once cuz I felt like I needed to get it off NOW.

Do you pass?

yeah, unless it’s over the phone lol!

What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?

top surgery and T.  I woulda still been miserable to this day if I hadn’t gotten top surgery.  but I kinda took T on a whim.  see if I’d like it.  I’m glad I did, I really enjoy it.  out of all the changes I love my sideburns the most!

How long have you been out?

3 years!

How does your family feel about your trans identity?

frankly I don’t care lolol

Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?

I’m kinda in the middle.  I’m open about being trans online.  I pass irl so I’m pretty much stealth there to strangers.  but if anyone ever asked if I was trans, or if a trans discussion ever came up, or if I was just talking bout my past where it’s relevant to the story, I’d be fine revealing I’m not cis

What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?

1) that no, people don’t secretly see you as a guy, 2) the term trans,  3) that you can get top surgery without any therapy involved (I thought I’d never be able to get it because of that, I resigned to that fact for so many years when I could’ve been arranging it!)

What’s your biggest trans-related fear?

lol I’m not sharing that

What do you wish cis people understood?

I honestly don’t think about that much

What impact has being trans affected your life?

it didn’t affect me much til puberty.  before puberty I sorta deluded myself into thinking everyone around me secretly regarded me as a boy but weren’t allowed to show it.  when puberty came my life ended.  dysphoria really made me suffer all through my 20s.  and I always hated being seen and treated the way people did.  I’ve never ever disliked being trans.  it’s always been me.  but now I live so fully and happily.  I love being trans

How do you feel about trans representation in media?

I really do not want it unless a trans person is the one creating it.

Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?

can I say myself? lolol

How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?

making/reblogging trans posts is the extent of what I do.  I did do a few things irl--helped carry a huge trans flag during pride once.  it was an amazing experience, but way too overwhelming for me lol.  tried going to our trans masculine group at my local lgbt center but had a bad experience with one of the members there, and he later became the group facilitator so lol

How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

same as I do now

What trans issue are you most passionate about?

trans youth having all the info they need to be aware of themselves and make decisions about their own lives

What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?

I’m aroace and it’s amazing!  I love being ace!  being both trans and ace made me wonder how the heck my life’d pan out in terms of having a partner.  cuz I did always want one.  but I thought I’d have a pretty low chance of finding someone I liked (I don’t like many people LOL) who also embraced and understood both my transness and aceness.  and who made it simple and easy for us on both ends.  maybe the chance was low, but I got the perfect partner now ❤

How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

it was just painful.  there’s not much more you can say

[promiseimnotacop]

let's go about this a different way: pick your fave ten questions from the trans journey ask game and answer them!

bold of you to assume I’ve ever managed to make a decision in my life. also warning this gonna be looooooong

from this ask game

1. How did you choose your name? 

so I’ve always been interested in names and a couple years before i ever came out to anyone I asked my mum casually if there were any other names she’d considered giving me. She said that Finn or Finnbar were up there had I “”been born a boy”” and so I latched on to that. It worked pretty well for me because I wanted something that felt like an equivalent exchange for my birthname and that I didn’t associate strongly with a particular individual and I’d never had a Finn in my year at school so that was all hunky dory. Took me a while longer to figure out middle names (because my birthname has two middle names and it’s sort of a tradition on my dad’s side so I wanted to have those). 

There was a hot minute when I considered calling myself “Hugo Finn” which I’m so glad I didn’t, not that it is objectively a bad name, but because my reasoning was erm....bad. It was at a time when I had a lot of internalised self hatred/disgust and the name Hugo I first came across and associated heavily with the morally ambiguous “freak” from ASOUE. At the time I thought using a name I associated so heavily with the word freak was a way of subverting negative feelings but tbh it wasn’t. I’m so glad I didn’t tether myself that negativity. 

Also fun fact, my birthname is Shakespearean protagonist who spends most of the play dressed as a boy so again for a hot second I considered using the name she does, Fidele, but I wasn’t about having a super conspicuously uncommon name. 

For middle names in the end I went for James Lee (though nothing is legal or set in stone feedback and opinions are welcome lol). Lee came first, after the river in my village that I have a lot of postive memories associated with, outside of all the gender bullshit. The problem then became that the name “Finn Lee” would sound like/get mistaken for “Finley” and “Finnbar Lee” would sound like “Finn Barley” which would be eccentric and confusing. So it needed a buffer. In the end I went for James, partly because the first middle name of my given name is a saint, but mostly because James can be Jim and that allows for some of my childhood nicknames (im jim jam, imbo jimbo) to sort of still apply. that was a long answer to a short question lol but I spent a lot of time thinking about this because for some reason I felt  like I couldn’t come out until I’d already settled on a full name. 

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?

I don’t think they’re separable. I have dysphoria about my body but it is because of societal perceptions of my body

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?

depends on how savvy that person is to trans jargon honestly. The best, if clunky, label I’ve found for my gender is “transmasculine non-binary” which is two different quite broad umbrella terms lol. I like the looseness of it. For me personally, it means that the framework of masculinity and maleness is not an exact fit and does not cover some of the complexities of my gender but, in my daily interactions it is a close enough approximation and I do desire to pursue parts of what might be considered a “trans masculine” medical transition. For the most part masculine coded language (including he/him pronouns) is what suits me the best, with only a few particular exceptions. So, for most of the world I am functionally “a man” (even though that is one of the few bits of masculine coded language I don’t gel with), or maybe “a gender non-conforming man” and I am not gonna split hairs about that if we aren’t close. 

But if we’re seriously getting into a chat about gender there’s a lot more to be said. If drawing a diagram of my gender I would say I’m about 55% male, 30% “other”/third gender/maverique/genderqueer/whatever you want to call a gender identity autonomous and seperate from male or female, and 15% nothing/void. And all of that is subject to fluctuate a bit and which parts I might connect with most can be slightly contextual. I am more “a man” than anything else but also pretending to be a binary man is cutting out a significant part. 

12. Do you pass?

Let’s unpack the most Problematique question lol. Just kidding. It is important to acknowledge how “passing” or not effects daily safety/experiences but....god can we not use that word? Can that not be the agreed upon term? The implication that you are otherwise “failing”? The way in which it is incredibly difficult to apply to no-binary people? The way it does not acknowledge the nuances and the way that being read as a certain gender can be conditional? 

I prefer to use the terms “read as” because it allows for more nuanced discussion, does not have moralistic implications, puts the onus on the people viewing - not the individual being viewed and is kinda intuitive to understand.

To answer the question though? For the most part (like maybe 80% of the time) I am read as male. By no means always, and it is conditional on me following a certain level of gender conformity, but for the most part I interact with the world being addressed as a guy. As someone who is very much pre-t it seems that this alone subverts the standard “trans narrative”. Hell I was mostly read as male for a while before I ever came out. I’ve been corrected and laughed at in the women’s bathrooms. I’ve been harassed for gender nonconformity not in spite of but because I was wearing “girl’s” uniform. I have had fellow trans people assume I was a cis man (on more than one occasion) even when I introduced myself by my very much feminine birthname. I have little kids point blank refuse to believe I am “a girl”. I have had strangers confront and correct my mum for addressing me with she/her pronouns (before I was out). I have had kids yell the T slur at me (before I had begun to learn the invisible rules - which to be totally clear are bullshit -that need to be followed in order to be more consistently and unerringly read as male). I’ve been read as male occasionally in contexts where it was impossible for me to be out (near strangers on holiday whilst using birthname, new teachers and students at a school i’d been at since I was 11 and worn “girl’s uniform” until 16, etc).

It’s by no means always though. Which makes the times I don’t difficult and awkward. The technician on my course refers to me with feminine language but none of my tutors. The other day I tried out wearing eye shadow to class and I guy I bumped into later said that he hadn’t recognised me because it made me look like a girl (cringe). etc.

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?

haha i don’t go. I literally haven’t been to the men’s bathroom (apart from once on holiday) but also i get harassed in the women’s/get directed towards the men’s so.....here’s to hoping I don’t get a UTI lads. Literally been in a public loos once since June (not including holiday abroad) and then i nipped into the disabled one during shark week. 

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?

so at the beginning of uni I sort of tried to go stealth to see if I could/if it was comfortable (and by go stealth I mostly mean I just didn’t openly talk about my trans-ness for a while). I didn’t wanna be known as ‘the trans one’ and so i didn’t want to introduce myself with that fact. It fucking sucked would not recommend 0/10. It’s incredibly lonely-making to try and filter your experiences and to not be able to discuss certain issues with anyone irl. 

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

I used to do this thing when I was feeling particularly dysphoric/hopeless where I would draw myself now, and myself in 5 years time. Help construct something to look forward to, and work out what I would sincerely like to wear/express but don’t due to dysphoria. For me I really want to get to a place where I am comfortable in androgyny. I want to grow my hair out without sacrificing being read as male. I want to wear long skirts and crop tops whilst still being read and understood as a guy. I’ve done a lot of self reflection and I don’t think I can get to the place of being comfortable until I have had top surgery and I might also require T (though top surgery is really the necessity for my day to day life). Fingers crossed that will be possible and slightly healed within 5 years but given the NHS it really is not certain. 

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?

T4T is self care. Jk. Honestly probably but that’s not to say a cis person couldn’t be my ideal partner? like at any rate it’s fucking necessary that my partner fully understands/perceives me to not be a woman. They could just be cis and no. 1 ally but in all likeliness they’re probably gonna be trans (particularly given the number trans and/or nb cuties out there)

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

I’m not managing. Send help.

seriously every week I have a break down about how long NHS wait times are.

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?

I’m an art student in Brighton. Yes. 

(Also my sibling Sumner is an NB lesbian, and my childhood best friend Hunter is NB). 

Literally going to be one cis person in my house of six next year. 

[sivisgirlfriend]

long rambly post about lesbian loneliness under the cut hhhhhh

it’s kind of sad that i just realized that these days at school i consider (most likely) straight men to be the easiest people to sit next to in class in case i need to talk to them. like, obviously i would prefer to sit next to & talk to women but more often than not i feel like i’m creeping them out or they just... don’t know how to talk to me? and i’m not saying this to praise men, like i don’t think they’re actively being nice to me and some/most of them are rude to me as well, but the “safe” state of them is just like... when they realize that i’m not interested in them so they’re not weird about it or try to hit on me but instead just act neutral and civil for like the five minutes we have to discuss a question. but with women i feel like a) they’re creeped out by me if they realize i’m a lesbian b) they’re confused because they don’t realize i’m a lesbian so they don’t know how to talk to me or c) i feel like they’re creeped out so it gets weird. so i’m just in this vicious cycle

and i know it’s pretty petty but i feel kinda jealous whenever i hear ppl talk about making friends or about how they just walk up to someone and start talking. like. i could never do that? and i feel like because of the way i look and how i’m kind of... ambiguous gender presentation-wise so much more is expected of me socially. like i already risk being seen as a weirdo by just existing as who i am so i feel like if i make the smallest mistake or if i’m a little awkward in a social situation people will feel weird and leave the conversation. ppl say that i should just act confident or whatever but that will come across as me “trying to be a man” or something and like... the only option i feel like i have left is to make a fool/joke out of myself and who i am which is something i don’t want to do after this many years of repressing my identity as a butch lesbian. like it’s so frustrating that in a social situation i can tell that i’ve got it and i’m saying a lot of things or even making ppl laugh but i can still tell that they’re uncomfortable and don’t want to be in the situation ://

ofc here i’m talking mostly about straight people but i feel like this sometimes applies to gay ppl and especially other wlw. it’s a little different of course but anyway. like... i’m content just having my own little social circle & family, it’s not like i actively need more people in my life but knowing that i couldn’t have them very easily if i wanted to just bums me out. i pretty desperately want to have other wlw/lesbian friends casually/irl or just to like... talk to other wlw but whenever i try it just doesn’t work out? online it’s fine but irl just like. doesn’t work. i especially want to talk to other butches but that’s a whole other story really because like... i get mistaken for a guy for quite a lot and that’s mostly straight people, like i don’t think other butches mistake me for a cis teenage boy BUT i’m so scared that they don’t pay attention to me or when they see me they think i’m a man anyway like. or that i’m transmasc or something. because people have done that a lot. and whenever i look at myself and the way i feel comfortable presenting it doesn’t scream butch even to me, like it just says genderless blob who someone could easily read as “man” and i’m just ! god ! i know this might be kind of problematic to say and obviously i don’t think clothing/presentation = gender but like.. many people do. idk other butches or anyone really interact lmao.

saljdakljd this got really long, can’t believe this started out as me realizing that my favorite school acquaintance is a straight man 

[arotechno]

Aromantic-Official’s Pride Month 2018 Questions!

It’s time for me to finally answer the weekly pride month questions set up by @aromantic-official! I realize it’s the last week of pride month and I’m only doing these now, but I’m a mod. So I get to break the rules. ;)

I apologize in advance, as this post is going to be a monster.

June 1-2: Pride Month Kickoff!

1. What aro pride merch do you have and/or want?

As of right now, all I’ve got is an aro bracelet that my friend made me for my birthday and a green aro ring that I got for a dollar. I would like to get my hands on an aro flag, and some pins or something... but I don’t have the money to throw at pride merch right now! Subtle merch is also good, as I’m out to precisely 3 people offline.

2. What are some of your favorite aro-friendly songs? (Feel free to make a playlist!)

Here. Or for more aro playlists besides mine, my aro jams tag.

3. What are your favorite arospec symbols?

I guess just the flag (the version that I use in my icon)? Arrow symbolism is also cool. Or, if you’re from the arocalypse crowd: papos. Although that might be a dated reference now...

(weeks 1-4 under the cut because I’m nice)

Questions for Week One (June 3-9):

1. How did you realize you were aro/arospec? How long have you known?

It was the spring of 2014, when I was a freshman in high school. For most of my life, I never really thought about or questioned my orientation. I figured I would know what I was when I felt it. But I always knew I didn’t get crushes, and figured that wasn’t weird and that I’d get them eventually... That didn’t end up happening, as you might imagine. I was never ashamed of who I was, though--not until people made me feel that way, and I realized maybe I really was different or weird. Thankfully, I had stumbled across asexuality, and consequently aromanticism (this was 2014; if you think it’s hard to find information about aromanticism outside of ace spaces now, think about how it was back then), before that point. It just didn’t really click until somewhere down the line. And even then, I waffled on aromanticism vs. asexuality for quite a bit, feeling more drawn to the ace community due to its size and its exposure, and frankly I couldn’t tell which one I was, though eventually I realized that was because I was both! It’s been several years and I’ve grown a lot, and I’ve become more in tune to my aromanticism apart from my asexuality.

2. Have you come out to anyone? Share a coming out story (coming out to yourself also counts)!

It’s funny, I was just thinking about this yesterday. I’m out as aromantic to three people irl, but I’ve never actually properly come out on my own terms. Two of my friends were peripherally involved at the time that I realized I was aromantic, so they were kind of a part of the realization and I never had to explicitly tell them that I had figured out this part of myself. The third friend came to understand my feelings about attraction before I eventually told her the words. But I’ve never had somebody in my life who presumed I was straight that I was able to explicitly decide I wanted to tell that I wasn’t.

In terms of coming out to myself, it took me about a year after realizing I was aroace to say the words out loud to myself. Sophomore year of high school was when I really began to fully accept that this was who I am and that I could say it and be proud of it, rather than it just being a peripheral aspect of my life that I had to pretend didn’t affect me (because we’re so often taught that we’re supposed to be just like everyone else despite our sexuality, but I have always felt that it made me explicitly not like everyone else, and that was the problem). So I said to myself, in the mirror, “I’m aromantic and asexual.” And I started writing it in my journal. At this point, I was in a weird place where I wasn’t even sure my two closest friends knew I was aroace and that it wasn’t just something I had speculated. It took me until the end of that school year to start using the word not only to myself, but to them as well. Even now, I still talk circles around it sometimes. Internalized aphobia is a real pain in the ass.

3. How/Why is your aromanticism important to you/your identity?

My aromanticism shapes how I see the world in a lot of ways. It affects me every day of my life. It influences my views on philosophy, relationships, my experiences with gender... I can’t relate to the majority of the world’s population on such a basic level that I’m often left wondering what my place in the world is and feeling like I’m living in a different universe altogether. It’s frustrating, but it can also be exciting. I’m proud of the way being aromantic has shaped me. I think the ways I view the world make sense, and being aromantic has a lot to do with it.

I consider myself to be an existentialist, and accepting that my emotional wants, needs, and experiences didn’t line up with the marriage/kids/white picket fence narrative that I was always expected to follow really helped me realize that if I don’t have to follow that narrative, then I don’t have to follow any narrative at all. I can do whatever I want with my life, and there’s no cosmic reason for me to do anything else. That’s voidpunk, baby.

4. What are some misconceptions about aromanticism that bother you?

That we’re heartless. That we don’t feel less emotions/weaker emotions than alloromantic people, or generally equating romance with emotions. That we need a QPR or other type of non-romantic partnership to fill a void where romantic relationships “should be.” That aromanticism must modify or be secondary to one’s sexual orientation. That we don’t risk being dehumanized or cut off from people around us when we come out. Arophobia in general.

5. What’s something you like about being aro/arospec? Something you dislike?

I love the arospec community first and foremost, and as I mentioned above I love the way aromanticism shapes my view of the world. I love that the aro community, though we are stereotyped as being heartless, is so full of love and compassion for one another that we can’t even argue with each other, we just have pleasant, generally civil discussions and often end up reaching mutual conclusions. I love that I can make this entire long-winded post about my experiences and not only will people read it, but they’ll appreciate it and respect it.

I hate not being understood. I hate the fact that I don’t want to come out because I’m afraid I’ll have to give an emotionally taxing vocab lesson and/or be dismissed or ridiculed and/or be called a heartless monster. I hate that we don’t have any mainstream representation that doesn’t get ripped from our hands by people who claim we do not deserve it. I hate that there are no aromantic role models in the public eye living happy lives for us to look up to; but then again, I have a secret fondness for being part of a generation that future aromantics will be able to look up to.

Questions for Week Two (June 10-16):

1. What aro-spectrum labels, terms, descriptors, and identities do you identify with?

I identify as aromantic. I also use nonamorous as a descriptor a lot of the time. That’s pretty much it. The term arogender kind of speaks to me in a way (I was there when it was coined!), as my experience with gender does feel influenced by my aromanticism, but I don’t know that I’m particularly inclined to use it for myself. I like to keep things simple, I guess.

2. Talk about other aspects of your identity that are important to you, that are meaningful parts of you like your aromanticism, such as ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, neurodivergence, mental illness, chronic illness, disabilities, etc.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m asexual as well as being aromantic. They kind of go hand-in-hand for me, but I’m much more open about being asexual if only because it’s more commonly understood and accepted. Several years ago, I was much more connected to the ace community than the aro community, but in the last couple of years that dynamic has completely flip-flopped. I feel more at home in the aromantic community, as the ace community often feels to me more focused on navigating romantic relationships while asexual, and as an aromantic I really don’t find any solace in that. The ace community has also thrown me and my aro and aroace siblings under the bus multiple times, which often makes me feel unwelcome, unfortunately.

3. How do other aspects of your identity intersect with or affect your aromanticism?

Other aspects of my identity don’t affect my aromanticism that much. On the contrary, my aromanticism affects my gender. I identify primarily as a cis female, but even saying I identify that way feels too strong, as it’s a pretty loose identification. Because of the ways in which misogyny, heteronormativity, and amatonormativity intersect, so much of traditional womanhood is based around finding romance, 99% of the time with a man. There isn’t really a subversive narrative for aro women. And femininity often feels like a costume designed to make me appear straight and allo and proper and headed for marriage. tl;dr gender machine broke.

4. Have any of your identities impacted you realizing you were aromantic, your questioning process, or coming to terms with it?

If you want to get obvious, asexuality directly helped me realize I was aromantic in that I would not have known that aromanticism existed without it. So thanks, ace community. You did do me a solid at one point or another.

Questions for Week Three (June 17-23):

1. What is your favorite aspect of the aro and arospec community?

I mentioned this earlier: I love how open, inclusive, accepting, and willing to have civil and productive discussion the aro community is. The aro community has also given me basically everything, especially the arocalypse gang (hi, guys). Without a community behind me, this blog would not exist, and I would feel devastatingly alone.

2. Are there any notable differences in your experiences in this community and other LGBTQIA+ spaces you have been in?

In general, compared to larger LGBTQIA+ spaces, the aro community on tumblr is obviously a lot smaller and more tight knit, which makes for an inherently different environment. Smaller voices somehow still speak so loud. That’s symptomatic of its size more than anything, and I haven’t been active in enough larger spaces to say much else.

The only other specific LGBTQIA+ spaces I’ve been in are asexual ones, and while there is some overlap between the two, aromantic spaces feel much more inclusive to me. Though that is likely due to the fact that asexual spaces do still put a focus on romance, while aromantic spaces certainly wouldn’t. The aromantic community is one of a kind and an absolute treasure, I guess is what I’m trying to say.

3. What’s one way that the aro community could be better or more inclusive? Do you have any tips on improving in this regard?

I think the aro community could take further steps to improve accessibility (I mean, look at me, I’m writing out this long-ass monster of a post. I’m part of the problem.). But I don’t really have any tips, considering I just broke one of my own suggestions... Don’t listen to me, I’ve got no idea what I’m talking about.

4. Do you think there are flaws in the way that different types of attractions are navigated, discussed, and defined in the aro community?

Yes. I talk about this from time to time on here... This is probably a hot take, but to me, defining types of attraction too rigidly, while it is helpful for tons of people, can often lead to an accidental hierarchy of types of attraction or relationships. For example, putting alterous attraction over platonic attraction, or queerplatonic relationships over more traditional platonic ones. I’m not saying anyone does this, at least not on purpose, but I think it’s at least a potential issue.

5. Do you consider yourself nonamorous, amorous, aplatonic, experiencing queerplatonic attraction, etc., or do you not use those terms? Are you romance positive, neutral, repulsed, or don’t use those labels? Do these answers intersect?

I’m nonamorous and romance repulsed. I’m not sure if they intersect, to be honest.

6. Have you ever been in a relationship you would consider committed, such as a queerplatonic/quasiplatonic, romantic, soft romo, friends-with-benefits, or others? How did being arospec affect that and the boundaries you set?

Nope. Again, nonamorous.

Questions for Week Four (June 24-30):

1. Have you ever participated in any pride events, such as parades and festivals? If so, do you feel welcome at these events? If not, would you want to go?

I haven’t. I would go, but I don’t really know how welcome I feel... And I’d need to go without being suspicious, which is pretty much impossible.

2. Do you celebrate pride month? If so, how do you celebrate? If not, why?

Hell, I’m doing it right now! I’ve been working on these questions with the other mods all month. Thaaaat’s about it, as there isn’t much to do around me except for go to pride, and I already explained why that was off the table.

3. Do you have any creative contributions to the aro community (art, comics, writing, moodboards, music, zines, informational posts, etc.)? Which do you like making the most? If you instead support aro creatives, what category of aro creations do you like best?

Hi, yeah, this blog. Shoutout to any of my followers who have been here since last year when all I posted on this blog was my writing... I guess you got more than you signed up for.

I write primarily short fiction for the aro community. I take soulmate prompts and spin them to be aromantic, and usually sad. Soulmates are a concept I hate with all my cold aro heart, so starting this blog was a mean of reclaiming that idea and making it a little less painful for myself and hopefully other aros. I’ve posted about this a thousand times, so I won’t go into more detail.

4. How do you feel aro creatives have impacted the community? Show some love to your favorite aro creators by @’ing them in this post and reblogging a bunch of their stuff. If you don’t have any favorites, now is a good opportunity to find a few!

Without aro creatives, we would have pretty much 0 content in general, as no one else seems to care about creating anything for us. @aroworlds is doing amazing work not only creating wonderful aro content but connecting other aro creators with one another and spreading the word. @aroacearborvitae makes moodboards and edits that brighten my day every time I see them. @arotryinghisbest is writing a novel if you want to go show him your support!

5. Is representation in mainstream media important to you? What about smaller, niche media? If so, why, and in what form would you like it to take?

Both are important, but for different reasons. I’m so thirsty for mainstream aromantic content that I would sell my soul for just one canon aromantic character on television. We need visibility, and we need people to know that we’re out here and that we exist and that we’re not broken or messed up or lying. But niche media is also important, as it often supports aromantic creators directly, and supporting small creators and media outlets is really important. Niche media can even sometimes be a gateway into mainstream media, if it picks up enough steam. Give me aro characters, please!

And that’s that. If you made it this far, congratulations, and thank you. Happy pride month! See you in the future when I hopefully start posting some more actual content...

[koganelovesmcclain]

1 through 8, 13, 15, 20, 23, 25 through 34, and 38 through 41 (feel free to pick and choose which of these you answer if you want tho XP)

1. How did you choose your name?I didn’t really? I mean, I just go by the shortened version of my dead name. But I’m thinking of a couple different options?

2. What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria)Hmmmm. Literally everything. 

Long post, continued below!

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?Physical I guess. Like,,, pronouns and stuff don’t really affect me as much as realizing that I’ll never be cis :(

4. What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?I don’t, lol. I just wallow.

5. What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?I mean, honestly, long before I knew what transgender meant. Like, even as a kid, I didn’t feel like a girl?

6. When did you realize you were transgender?I think it was in 10th grade. Like, I have a memory of being in my English teacher’s classroom with my ‘friends’ and wondering if I should tell them?

7. What is your favorite part of being transgender?I mean... I kinda hate it. But I like that I’m not alone. You know? Like, I follow/ am mutuals with several trans guys and it’s like affirming that they’re there.

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?I mean, I don’t know? Other than saying I’m a boy?

13. What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?None.

15. What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?I mean, I used to think I was a straight, cis girl. (While typing this post I realize that I honestly just hate the word girl lol). And now I’m kinda settled on gay/trans.

20. What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?Hmm... I would say like, it’s not weird to feel this way, and there are other people who feel the same way. Stuff like that.

23. What’s your biggest trans-related fear?IRL people finding out and hating me for it. 

25. What do you wish cis people understood?That... trans people are just as valid as cis people. Trans men are men and trans women are women! They aren’t separate categories?

26. What impact has being trans affected your life?I mean, I don’t know? Other than bringing on bouts of depression...

27. What do you do to validate yourself?I remind myself that there are plenty of people who know I’m a guy.28. How do you feel about trans representation in media?I don’t know of any trans rep in media? So... we need some please.29. Who is your favorite trans celebrity?I don’t know any?30. Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?A couple of blogs I follow! (I’m not gonna tag them,,, because they don’t know me lol.)

31. How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?I just follow some trans people.32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?I hope I get the courage to cut my hair shorter by then. And I want to lose weight and maybe trying to get top surgery?33. What trans issue are you most passionate about?Idk?34. What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?I love you and you’re all valid! <3

38. What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?Gay/ace? (I think that’s what this means?) I mean... if I were cis, I probably wouldn’t be so ace, but this body is just wrong? So... sex is something I don’t want to do... ever lol.39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?I mean, it’d be nice! Because we’d both understand each other. And if one of us is having a dysphoric shitty day, we can cheer each other up without making it worse? But over all... as long as he isn’t a huge jerk I don’t care.

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?I just hope that I’ll be able to one day?41. What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?I don’t?? really use any online sources? There was a trans-blog I used to read, but idk what it was?

[eeveelutionsforequality]

What’s the best way of phrasing transgenderism? Every time I try to explain it to my friends they look at me as if they have lost all respect for me. I’ve tried explaining gender dysphoria, gender is a spectrum and sex is binary etc and nothing seems to get message across. I’m a cis guy granted but I do think it’s basic manners to try and know this stuff and help others understand in a way that’s informative, believable and not preachy or aggressive.

https://youtu.be/mgMA1qBIb78

I saw this video a while back and it has some explanation in it of how he views being trans that might help.

Starting a conversation like that is hard, and I think it's difficult to get the balance right between easing into it, being casual, and giving enough information to convey what is necessary. I know how it feels when you want to say enough so that if you're cut off or the topic changes they'll still get what's needed, but you also don't want to preach or overload them or be judged.

One option is to start simple, "Being transgender is when someone's biological sex doesn't align with their gender identity, and it's thought to be caused by differences in brain structure." then to answer whatever their response or question is - so, for example "How is biological sex different from gender identity?" "Well, biological sex is mostly to do with chromosomes, hormones and sex characteristics - like your genitalia, your ability to grow a beard, etc. Gender identity is cognitive - it's partially your relationship to your sex characteristics, whether you experience gender dysphoria towards them, and it's partially an element of how you perceive yourself. In more than 99% of cases the two align, but there are people out there for whom that isn't the case."

Like in the video, it's very good to give examples and things that they can relate to (I love the part in the video about how the person you're talking to would genuinely feel if they woke up as a different sex, and I've used that one myself in the past to explain it to people, although he words it better than I probably did), and it's especially important to talk to them rather than at them. People tend to rationalize foreign ideas better through comparisons, ways to put themselves in the other person's shoes (which is hard to do with a vague concept like "imagine you identify as a boy", but easier with something more tangible like "imagine your body was like this but you're still you, and so these things will happen each day"), imagination, etc. When it comes to conversations about transgenderism, emotions and facts are both necessary elements of helping people understand - there's science and studies and medical definitions that support it, but ultimately what's more likely to sway most people is a more emotive understanding of the subjective experience (that's one of the reasons why stories and films about trans people can be so helpful).

My best advice is to make the conversation a conversation, to let them ask questions, to listen to their perspectives on things - you can also offer to show them videos or links to things that might help them understand where you're coming from, where maybe other people word your points a little better than you find yourself able to when put on the spot. I can't tell you exactly how to explain it, because the easiest way that I've found is to take into account context, their perspective and limitations, and to listen, understand, and respond adequately - different people aren't understanding for different reasons, and you have to understand where they're coming from and what they're not understanding if you want to have the best chance at being able to show them your side. Different people respond best to different things.

It took me months, maybe years, to fully explain it to some people - rather than doing it in one sitting, where they would've gotten annoyed or overloaded, I just explained each part briefly as and when it came up, and then responded to anything that they had to say about that. That's my favourite way to do it, to introduce it gradually, part by part, and let people adjust, rather than dropping "I'm trans and here is way too much information for you to process while you're dealing with that bombshell" on them (unless, of course, they're already up to speed on trans stuff, in which case I just say "Oh I'm a transguy btw" and they're like "Cool cool").

I tried to talk to my ex's mom after my ex (at the time he wasn't yet my ex) outed me and it was horrible - he kept interrupting with really counterproductive points and talking over me. It was like he was trying to paint it as "oh it's just this quirky thing, she just likes being called 'mr' and 'he'", while I was trying to get across "I have a gender dysphoria, it's a medical condition, and transition is the most effective treatment for that, but honestly I don't mind what you call me" (it's a pretty even split irl between people that call me 'she' and people that call me 'he'). There are some people for whom "oh it's just a quirky thing" is the easiest route, like, I have friends who don't get it for whatever reason and for whom "he's just a bit weird and likes being called 'he', whatever, he's fun" is the easiest way for them to view it - when it comes to people who are going to be an important part of my life, I talk about it in a more personal way and talk about how it impacts me, and have a conversation, and answer their questions, and I don't tell them what to call me or how to feel... I was trying to answer my ex's mom's questions and be honest, since she seemed actually curious and willing to listen and capable of understanding (I'd known her a while at that point). I didn't want her to think "oh she's just weird, I'll call her 'he' so she doesn't get upset", I wanted to answer each of the questions that she was asking honestly, and I didn't care whether she called me 'she' or 'he' at the end of it, but my ex kept cutting both of us off - eventually it came out that he didn't think that I was actually trans, he didn't want me to be, and his intentions were to talk me out of it.

Suffice to say, the way I come out, letting them lead the conversation so that I can actually address what they're confused about instead of trying to predict what people will need to understand and preach that at them, doesn't work very well if you're getting constantly interrupted by someone who wants to downplay every word that comes out of your mouth. It also doesn't always end with people calling me the right pronouns right away, but even the people in my life who know about it and still call me 'she' are at least sympathetic, supportive and understanding - like, they buy me birthday cards with "young man" on them and boys' kinder eggs and they listen closely and talk about it, they respect me.

I once had a friend ask me "Are you a trap? Why does everyone call you 'he'?" and I was like "Nah, I have a vagina, I was born a chick but I wanna be a dude." and he was completely cool with it. Like, I can understand why people often want people to understand all of the intricacies of it right away, but most of the time that either comes across as preachy and rude, or pushes someone into thinking at length about something that they don't understand, that doesn't neatly align with their pre-existing worldview and understanding, and that has a lot of political weight - it can be really hard for them if you dump all of that on them at once, so instead you can give them something really simple and easily digested. Usually they go on to ask more questions, either right away or later on, like "Why do you wanna be a dude?" and then I can explain gender dysphoria, and how - although it doesn't offend me - some people are uncomfortable with the "want to be" language, and that I just used it initially because it's easier to get the point across without explaining a bunch of stuff. More questions later stem from each little talk or from things that occur to them at other times, and over time they build an understanding of what it means and what I experience. I can let them take those steps at their own speed instead of pushing them down the stairs, essentially. As long as people can treat me respectfully with just the most basic understanding, then I see no reason to try to force them to get it too fast - and if they can't treat me respectfully with just that, then pushing too much information on them and arguing with them is only going to make that worse.

When it comes to politics and online discussion, it depends on what platform you're talking and the context in which you're talking - here I can give a lengthy explanation of my opinions on the matter, in a group chat maybe I'll link to a video or a source or something, in a class discussion I could talk about what gender identity and dysphoria are on a medical level and bring up Norah Vincent to encourage them to empathize with living in the body and life of another sex and how it would impact them, and so on. There are a myriad of situations in which it can come up, an infinite number of personalities and experiences that potentially describe the person you're talking to, and it's honestly pretty difficult to always get your method of bringing it up and explaining yourself right... and even when you do, some people just aren't going to understand, maybe because they can't or maybe because they just don't want to. Honestly, it reaches a point sometimes where you just have to accept that they're not going to get it, and then you simply avoid that person or avoid going into that the topic with that particular person.

I appreciate people like you who think that it's basic manners to try to understand things like this, to understand perspectives, other people's experiences, political issues, etc - but I've come to accept that not everybody is like that, and that it's okay to decide that it's not your job to expend so much energy and risk being judged just to try to convey something to someone who doesn't want to or isn't able to take it in. A lot of the time, I don't even mention it - I sit there with one foot in the closet and one foot out of it, and wait for them to bring it up with me and thus show a willingness to actually hear me out, because honestly I'd rather not risk casual relationships with acquaintances and friends of friends over this. I'm a very "I'll cross that bridge when I get to it" kind of person - but it works for me, and people tend to actually appreciate me letting them learn about me at their own pace. But yeah, if they stress you, if it worries you, if it's unproductive or negatively impacting you, remember that you're under absolutely no obligation to explain transgenderism to anybody - it's not the end of the world to just dodge the topic.

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

[virtual-marmalade]

You doing okay buddy?

Absolutely not. My entire world is fucked up on every single level, and I feel like I can’t do a damn thing about it. Long post under the cut. tl;dr everything sucks and I hate it, but I don’t know what to do or even if I can do anything.

I can count the number of actual friends I have irl on like 1 hand, and I don’t get to really spend time with them but once a week on average, and I also haven’t so much as been on a date in like 6 years. The stress of that second part is compounded by the fact that I want to come out to my family and friends officially and on my terms, but there’s that nagging voice in my head that’s like, “What does it matter? You know you’re never going to have romance in your life ever again anyway :)” so that’s basically slowly pulling my in half. Then there’s the fact that I hate my day job because I’ve been there washing dishes for about a year longer than I probably should have at this point, and also I’m pretty much broke because I spent all my savings helping my parents during their breakup last year. Also, I have 3-5 people living in my 2-bedroom apartment because my father and brother needed a place to stay and my roommate has a steady girlfriend who stays over a lot. ALSO THERE ARE FUCKING COCKROACHES EVERYWHERE AND IT’S REALLY AWFUL AND I HATE IT. All this stress has made it really hard to stay consistent with my already-struggling Youtube channel, and again my awful brain keeps telling me that that’s a futile effort as well (even though it’s currently the only project of mine that even means anything to me). And then of course every time I look around my heart breaks for all the other people in the world who suffer, especially all the people who have it worse than me (and there’s a lot of them: PoC, especially Black people and Muslims, many women, the openly gay, bi, trans, and otherwise queer, the physically disabled, the mentally ill, the autistic, etc. etc. etc.). All of this would be enough, but then at the very top of this shitpile which is clearly the Bad Timeline of earth, we have a climate-denying, self-absorbed bigot running our country and legions of people who have come out of the woodwork supporting him and his policies, especially the ones which hurt the most vulnerable among us. I don’t know how to fight back. I don’t even know if I can. I have like $50 in my bank account right now, and the whole paycheck I’m about to get is going to go to rent, food, and hopefully something for my pop’s birthday tomorrow. 

Sure, I’m a cis white guy, but like how can I possibly do anything against this massive megaphone of hatred that seems to have consumed our world? All I have are words, but words don’t work against these people. They believe in what they are doing, and you can’t reason away belief, especially not in a world where everything is made up and the facts don’t matter (because everyone calls the other side’s sources fake no matter what). I wish I could do something. I wish I could fight back… but I’m not connected. I don’t know where or if any protests are happening nearby, and even if they were I don’t have a car and also I don’t know anyone who would protest to help me anyway. It’s the same problem I’ve had my entire life: I lack resources. I have no money and very few friends and close family members, but those people also have no money. It’s like this feeling of powerlessness that I’ve kinda dealt with my whole life, but I used to be able to squint and pretend it wasn’t there; except now that I have all these desires to improve my life and fight to improve the world, my limitations are drawn into sharp relief. It hurts, but I’ve got nothing that can heal it. I don’t know what to do. I mean, I’ve never known what to do, but now it feels like much more than my own life is at stake, so all that to say ever since about November I’ve been just the most tightly-wound ball of stress that is just waiting to implode under its own weight and I hate it and I wish the world was kinder but there’s nothing I can do (unless of course I’m just saying that because I’m a fucking coward, that’s always a possibility woohoo more stress because I never know if I’m lying to myself or not fun times fun times :D Am I mentally ill? Who knows! I can’t afford a shrink so I’ll just have to guess but OH WAIT I CAN’T SELF-DX BECAUSE I’M A LIAR WHO’S CLEARLY FAKING EVERYTHING IGNORE ME LMAO).

All I want is to be nice to people and make cool stuff. Maybe have someone to hold me, kiss me, and raise me up when I’m feeling down, that’d be nice too. Why isn’t the whole world like that? Shouldn’t it be? How do I bring this world closer to that world? Can I even do anything about it? I don’t know friend but I sure wish I did. Thanks for asking, anon, and if anyone read this whole thing: thank you too. I hope by sharing I can help some others who feel the same way, but if not it’s enough to vent and know that someone was listening, 

[harlotofandraste]

Self realizations

tw: gender dysphoria, depression, bullying, homophobia, etc basically don’t read unless you want to feel down and hate me forever

(please don’t reblog)

(I just finished these >1800 words of rambling, it probably doesn’t make sense, and if you read this you know me better than my therapist, sorry bout that)

I used to be an asshole, I mean I still am in some ways, but my assholery nowadays is mostly just me being cynical towards conservative/homophobic/transphobic/ignorant people who also are assholes in my humble opinion.

I used to kinda be a homophobic /transphobic/ignorant asshole and I just get sick at what kind of an abusive dick I was.

I picked at my younger brother for liking the colour red, painting his nails, wanting to dress up as a princess in my old costume and other things.  I used the word “gay” as an insult and a curse word. I picked on a relatively flat chested girl in my class and talked about her small breast behind her back because,,, peer pressure?? I told transphobic jokes, called trans* people “it” or their birth pronoun I made fun of people in public who didn’t look obviously look like a woman or a man and called them “it” when trying to find out what sex they were with friends. I actively told homophobic jokes, laughed at homophobic jokes and encouraged the use of slurs I didn’t stand up for queer people. I used to think being gay was bad and being trans was sick I don’t think I knew that non-binary was a thing, but I would have laughed at anyone trying to tell me there were more than two genders I used to feel disgusted at trans women I mercylessly used queerness as a punchline in jokes I used to desperately kling to gender norms and basically made fun of anyone who defied those Like I remember how wrong it felt when we played family at preschool and a boy wanted to be the mum, it was weird and wrong to me. And I then I used to think that gender wasn’t really a thing at all just because my expericene with it was?? basically

And it’s not my parents fault I was a douchy kid. They didn’t give a single fuck when my brother and I played with my Barbies, or with his Lego. They didn’t care when we both dressed up as princesses or as pirates, or when I painted his nails bright pink (because he wanted me to). It was always me who was an asshole and abusive. And gosh I was an agressive kid, I loved to scuffle and sword fight with sticks while at the same time thinking it was wrong because that’s what boys and only boys do. I definatley didn’t have a rough childhood or anything, it was just me.

Basically, I was a total bag of dicks until I was, probably, 14, when I couldn’t escape the reality of my queerness anymore. I still did some of the things then, but it had more of a bitter aftertaste and I had fallen madly in love with a girl I knew for like a week before never seeing her again. I was probably in love with my female best friend before that, since I was 12, but didn’t really know since “girls can only have crushes on boys”. There was this game, Pflicht, Wahl oder Wahrheit, kind of like truth or dare, and the standard question was always “which boy do you have a crush on right now?” and i just couldn’t comprehend the concept of that. I read in magazines how it should feel like to have a crush on a boy, and it just didn’t happen? I tried making myself fall in love and pretended to, but you can’t just force these things, obviously.  And I got never picked on as a kid, I would have been the perfect victim, shy, quiet, fat, ugly,..., but I guess I was just lucky. And my class all the way through school was great.

Anyways, I was fourteen and I knew I was gay, it still sounded disgusting in my head, and had a crush on a girl I hadn’t seen in months. I started isolating myself and simply not talking to anyone in my class and hiding at the bathroom in the breaks just to avoid people. I don’t think I was depressed then, but I think that’s where it started, even though it took years to reach peak crisis. With 15, i still wasn’t out to anybody irl even though i read an watched a lot of things about sexuality and finally kind of stared to accept this part of myself. Then, in 10th grade, I did a foreign high school year in the USA. I was randomly placed in Ohio, with a hyper conservative family, i don’t think i need say more. During my first month, I subtly asked my host mother what she thought about homosexuality, and she straight up told me “I don’t like gay people”. Great, obviously coming out wasn’t happening there. I saw the humorous side ot this, sometimes, when I felt like a undercover liberal queer spy who is for health care and likes Obama more than bush.  I wrote so many emails to friends without sending them, about me being gay. I couldn’t even say the word lesbian without feeling weird. During that time, I also started to self harm seriously. And even though I wasn’t out to anyone, I was bullied for being gay by two girls during lunch. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t deny being gay, so I just sat quietly and told no one about anything.

When I got home things got a little better, I chopped of my hair and died it red and loved it. I came out to two friends, and slowly to others as well. They were all super accepting. I had my first (and only for now) girlfriend at 16 and came out to my parents, who of course didn’t mind and kind of knew before. I still cried, and I love them to death.  So everything should have been fine at that point exept it wasn’t and I was a depressed self-harming suicidal mess until I attempted suicide in September 2015 when I was 17. Then I was locked up in a psychiatry for 3 months.  Even after that I was too broken to continue school, since the pressure and especially one of the teachers were the main reason for my mental health issues. So I was a high school drop out and i still feel ashamed for that, one year later. Mental health issues make everything harder.  And even though my internalized homophobia was not the only reason, it definately contibruted to the mess i was.

Again, I have never been bullied by my Austrian class mates (the asshole ohio girls were not at home) but still my class teacher appearently thought my issues and the reason i dropped out was because of bullying and scolded my class mates for being mean. When I heard that, months later, I felt super guilty these guys have never done anything wrong to me in their life! 

That’s where schools go wrong, they say bullying wiill not be tolerated and don’t do anything to help victims of bullying, and accuse students of bullying when the actual reason other students feel down is just school itself.

In fall of 2016, I went to New Zealand for three months and volunteered in environmental protection, and this was the most healing thing I could have done. Seriously, no amount of therapy or medication could compare to knowing I am doing something for the planet, for the future. Of course that’s not for everybody, but for me it was the best possible thing to happen

So I’m in an allright place right now, not cured, but okay for the most part. I can say i am happy being gay and wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I have also started to accept my queerness on another level, the gender queer level. I identify as non-binary, that might change, but i’m fairly comfortable with it.

Right now I am in a weird dysphoric mood (yeah who would have guessed?) and feel really bad about my chest. I need to buy a binder. I felt so uncomfortable with my fat curvy body for the last few days. And binding with a wide belt and bandages is not healthy, I know, but I need to do something to be able to look in the mirror!

I think my picking at the girl with small breasts stemmed from jealousy, same with picking on my brother for doing traditionally feminine things. I wanted to not be a girl so bad all my life, all the signs were there, but I just pushed it into the back of my head and acted like the ignorant assholes i hate today.

One of my fondest, little childhood memories was when i was probably just 6 years old, and had short hair and basically looked like a little boy. My brother’s preschool teacher once thought I actually was a boy and asked my brother about his “brother”, refering to me when i went with my mother to pick him up form preschool. And hearing this stranger calling me “boy” was just a feeling of total bliss, I was so excited and happy because I was not called a girl. Unfortunately my mother corrected her. 

I grew my hair out and had long hair consistently for 10 years until I cut it off again. At first it was a feminine pixie cut, now it’s basically a men’s haircut. I don’t even go to a hair dresser, my mum cuts mine, my father’s, and my brother’s hair, which is great, because I hate going to hair dresser. 

I sometimes get “misgendered” in public and it’s still great, I just love being perceived as masculine (well when I’m feeling and presenting that way, but when I’m not I don’t get misgendered, at least I haven’t yet). I think it’s called gender euphoria, and love that word.

I haven’t completely figured out either my sexuality or my gender identity so I just identify as queer. I’m out as a lesbian to my friends and family, I don’t know when I will be able to talk to them about my gender identity/pronouns. Especially because there isn’t a pronoun in German I feel as comfortable with as “they/their”. 

And sometimes I still wake up and think “maybe I’m just faking it for attention, maybe I’m just a neurotypical, straight, cis girl who wants to feel like a special snowflake on the internet” even though straight and cis and girl feel so wrong that I feel as uncomfortable saying them as I used to feel uncomfortable saying “lesbian”. Well maybe I always knew that I wasn’t really a lesbian. The words I love now are queer, non-binary, and gay. And using/hearig them doensn’t make me anxious or uncomfortable. I just started smiling typing them. I am happy with these words, maybe just for now, maybe forever. 

TL;DR My internalized homophobia and transphobia and lack of understanding of myself and my sexuality turned me into a depressed asshole, and I hope to attone for these sins by being the queer person I am without feeling guilty.

[queerloquial]

every odd number!

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?you better have, we’re kinda dating 

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?iunno, whens the last time you said something that made me go “cfghvjb fUCK yOU”?

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?not to my knowledge, but if there is they can go fuck themselves bc idfc

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?vault boy tshirt, gray sweatpants. my regular comfy sleepwear stuff

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?i wear jeans anytime i have to leave the house, but if i dont have to go out in public and hide my wookiee legs i actually prefer shorts to either of those. i also rank chef pants higher than sweats bc they breathe better

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?i am antisocial as fuck, my dude. if i could get away with living in my bedroom and talking to like three people total ever, i so would

13. What about ‘R’?i think this is in reference to ‘have you ever kissed someone whose name starts with ___’, in which case, no. i have never kissed anyone, at least outside the “small child gives/receives cheek kisses from family or other adult considered to be basically family” sense

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?yEs. i give so many shits, all of the fucks, and even a couple hecks

17. When was the last time you cried?i think like a week and a half, two weeks ago it was like 2 am and i was tired n lonely and re-read some of ur letters to me. it was a happy cry dont worry. u make me do that a lot

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?nah i like blue

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.that stupid fuckening dog did not shut up for one damn minute after i let her out at ten last night. she barked for eight hours straight and for six i had a headache, i have slept a grand total of 32 minutes and it is now 7 am. hlep

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?to my knowledge yes. unless “im going back to bed, love and kisses~” is secretly your way of breaking up with me :P

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?you do~

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?it you

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?i think i got it from fye at the mall. either there or gamestop. i dont remember

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?theyre lined up on top of my desk. the only thing hiding them is the handful of non-alcoholic glass bottles i also have collected

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?ehhhhhhhhhhhhh i kinda have a Thing with pain so i have a heavy aversion to getting anything pierced

35. Did you have a dream last night?no bc i couldnt fuckening fall asleep

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?idk my dude. the future is unpredictable

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?idk. maybe if ur still awake theres a chance but if ur not then probs not

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?i would hope so, ive been waking up before dawn every day to tell you i love u and i would hate for all that effort to have been for nothing

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?in those words exactly, not that i can remember

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?yes, but theyre all from early high school and i really ought to go in and take them out but. effort. and i dont even really use facebook anymore

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?yes. all the time

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?nah, two years ago i had a job

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?i think this was my dad? so no

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?well when youve been aromantic for over 20 years you dont expect to develop a crush on ur cuteass mutual so

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?all but two people irl think im a conservative straight cis girl

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?see number 13

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?yes

61. How’s your heart?emotionally its doing fine. physically i could probably stand to cut back on sodium a bit

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?no

65. Are your toenails painted pink?no, theyre black

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?i wouldnt know, ive never been a girl and ive never had a boyfriend. but either way that sounds kinda weird, like i mean sure, promote healthy expression of emotions, but “love it when they cry”?? that sounds kinda messed up my dude

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?a lady from my church whose dog im watching for part of this week

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?it youuuu again

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?lol no

75. Did you wake up cranky?a BIT YES. god i hate dogs

77. Are relationships ever worth it?hell yeah, but you gotta be willing and actively choose to put in the time and effort to support one another through all situations, not just the cutesy happy fun times. it can be hard work, especially if one or more involved parties are neurodivergent, but it is completely worth it to have a relationship based in genuine respect and trust and honesty

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?buddy there aint a day that goes by that i dont daydream of what itll be like when we can finally meet irl

81. Last person you cried in front of?if this is strictly about physically being near someone, and discounting headmates, then… i dont actually remember. i try my best not to cry where people can see

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?i feel like you might be at least a lil bit

85. Are you over your past?well my brain is irreparably damaged and i still cry when i remember that i have at least one person who respects my feelings and consent and i generally try to block out all memories of life before college but for the most part yeah im totally over it :)

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?well i would say no but then we did recently have that convo re: “tier 4 kinks” and tbh that was like the last big secret i was holding in so i guess yeah i do

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?i dont remember the last person i kissed, if animals dont count, so im just gonna give a blanket no

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?well i hope so

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?no

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?ye~

97. Who do you have texts from?you, family, best friend, some people from church who have needed me to petsit/house-sit/bake things

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?see #13

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?no