#it wasnt even the incident i unfollowed them for that was just seeing what they were doing afterwards

[cacaitos]

seeing their art in old like brings the memories like in akira- shit

[tamiddyinyourcity]

2:05am.

Wednesday, January 8th of 2020.

Ah fuck, I remembered that I needed to wash lemon juice off my face.... if i leave it on overnight, am i gonna bleach and burn holes in my skin?

Anyways.

What's upsetting me?

I expected to get out of bed today. It did not happen.......

Remembering how I shaded Azalea. It was messy.

Then remembering how she straight up was acting sus from the jump.... Why waste energy stalking my page when my dms are LITERALLY OPEN? i befriend fucking anyone! Someone can dm me at any time even on some "hey lets be friends" or "who r u", and i will reply! I wouldnt be a weird bitch and purposely do shit that makes me look bad if there wasnt anything fucking wrong? (Excluding the swearing incident, but she did do shit wrong, so like.... screw that.)

The odd feeling that I'm being watched by her still? I get that vibe.... wouldn't be the first time that someone I barely knew still stalked my pages.

The awkwardness of "his friends still see my tweets". I'm not 100% best buds with all of them.... Audrey is great, Cam is a good conversationalist, and I haven't reached out to Jasper based on pure nerves.

.....2:12am, Jasper unfollowed my instagram. Ouch, new reason to be upset. I liked Jasper. But admittedly, i do find it healthier to take the side of the person who didn't get soda doused on them after a breakup... So, i respect their decision anyways.

Just checked out of curiosity... Marcus blocked me too. (Honestly respectable though, I can't hate, didn't even noticed it happened. It either happened during the first breakup, or the most recent, but either is acceptable.) Just kinda sucks since I did like them both, before shit went down.

Whoo boy, did shit go down..... Oh well, they got to learn that I thought their friend had a small dick, and see me air out my problems online. Still valid.

Probably should lessen my willingness to air things out online, one way or another.

My list for what to do fell on the floor. I'll pick it up tomorrow, but still had to say that.

.....alright.

I guess it does feel weird.

A lot of it.

I didn't notice Jasper and Marcus unfollowed. It doesn't hurt that much, more of a "damn, when did that happen?", type moment.

But if they were already gone and I rarely talked to them, it's not really a loss?

Hmmm.....

So, technically, nothing was lost. If anything, information was learned.

And what about unknown lurkers on this page?

......

Well, they're unknown. It could either be everyone I know is looking at this page, one salty girl is looking at this page and cackling at whatever she wants to with her lonely spiteful ass, or I'm speaking into thin air. (My intentions all along.)

But the question is; shall I censor myself?

Self censorship seems idiotic. I prefer people to know the real me. And how i feel when i perceive things as, "me alone", and completely naked in m personality and whatnot.

I shouldn't care what a random girl thinks. If anything, now that things are over, i absolutely shouldn't.

God bless and amen.

......

And losing Patrick.

I don't care about Patrick #2 as of now, my angst towards him is gone. Just like him.

The important Patrick is the one I'm thinking. Patrick #1, the blonde, infamous, summer boyfriend Patrick.

A great guy.

Who sent me maybe 18 messages two nights ago, that i didnt read....

I already know that reading them isnt worthwhile.

Its gonna be all gaslighting or guilt shaming.... fuck that.

So.

If I really feel bad, (not for what i said, but how it was said,) then I'll leave him a voicemail!

Just to say if he wants to talk about what happened, then a call is better than text.

Since he's always been a big "save the big talks for over the phone" type. And im the "im not reading eight paragraphs if i can barely even read the notification at the top of my phone for a calendae date" alarm type, so..... yeah.

.....

2:28am.

Feeling a little better.

Patrick still has a small dick. (The brown haired one.) Can't take that back, so i may as well embrace it.

Aaaaand yeah.

I hope Jasper doesn't hate me too much, or Marcus. They both made the party so great for me when I was there; and genuinely seemed friendly.

Its right of them to take Patrick's side. He may be a lame asshole, but, i kinda respect that more than someone who wouldnt really defend their close roommate honestly.....

And nonetheless, there's not a person on Earth who I should be afraid of leaving my life. Good is everywhere, but its not always.... great, yknow?

I can open my main instagram and see likes on my page, but never any DMs when help is needed.

Just....

I dont have people like that. And for two invisible friends that i couldnt even get to like a picture or a post before couldn't do that when amped over me, then.... i cant expect much from them either way.

Thats all. Feels good.

Peace out.