#it was terrible. i shouldve billed them

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Hello good morning, for my 21st birthday I got my nose pierced and that was super fun, I like celebrating my more adult birthdays with more adult things, and my 23rd birthday is coming up and I'm looking for another piercing. I have a nostril piercing and both lobes rn. Anyone have any suggestions? Preferably for an ear piercing.

[nenoname]

while the only redeeming quality of love god really is the stan joke, it does emphasize how bad mabel is at matchmaking and also how much romance sucks actually

[fmdkiana]

【✧】━━━━━ 🌿 k i a n a     i n t r o     p l a y l i s t 🌿 ━━━━━【✧】

these are nineteen songs that i’ve been listening to while making kiana’s blog [x] some i came across, some randomly thought of, and some suggested by lovely muns i’ve been chatting about kiana to. since she’s a character that i’ve adapted for the purpose of famed, these songs have helped ground me in the person she is. i hope the songs and descriptions below will help you learn kiana a little better too

1. to be torn by kyla la grange

this first song was a suggestion from someone, and i think set the tune for the rest of my choices. apparently it’s from beauty and the beast? lol anyway it describes this desire to be torn, a carnal need to be used. the heavy sound of it is kind of haunting, a bit sad, but also strong. the emotion can be felt even without the lyrics. kiana has this part of her that deeply craves being important, whether it comes at her own expense -her own tearing- or not. also forewarning that a lot of these overlap on the same concepts. shrug emoji

2. intertwined by dodie

intertwined is a song that immediately came to mind for kiana after to be torn. when this song came out, many people saw it as a cute love story, wanting to be intertwined with a lover, and have them be the safe space when you have a troubled head. however, dodie made a video debunking this, against her natural inclination, because the song describes something severely unhealthy. the following music video also helped many people to see the gore that’s strung throughout the lyrics. it Actually describes a relationship where the participants have put all of their source of happiness in one another, and it’s left them codependent, but ever seeking more. kiana has this perpetual trouble in relationships, especially romantic ones

3. bite by troye sivan

i can be the subjective of your dreams, your sickening desire is a pretty good sum up of where the inspo comes from. it’s difficult, when talking about the negative parts of kiana, to not talk about her ex-boyfriend. i have lots planned to talk on so i won’t go on forever here, but it reminds me of how all it took was the tiniest invitation for kiana to “become his.” that’s how she works. come here puppy, don’t bite, and she’ll heel at your side forever. at least, back then. she’s someone who seems difficult, because she’s very asocial, but with the right formula, it could be so easy to slip her into your arms

4. hell in heaven by twice wish

this song is a bit similar to intertwined, i would say? someone who feels stuck, drowning in a “hell” that is only saved by a piece of “heaven/paradise.” yet they’re in between the place of hell and heaven, constantly confused of where they land, because they’ve placed their hope for salvation in this one, singular place/person. they want to be freer than they are, yet their salvation keeps them locked away. open the door to heaven, let me walk on the cloud. the day i’m trapped in you, save me, hold me tight

5. dinner & diatribes by hozier

a few different levels come from this song. while it was created with the idea of how tedious social gatherings are, the story that comes from it makes another world. kiana is asocial, and struggles with fear over social situations, which make something like dinner parties quite stressful for her. she’s also someone who isn’t fond of small talk, and more likely that type to say ‘talk to me about your deepest fears,’ but... she actually means it and isn’t saying it to be pretentious. she would much rather see the sickest, nastiest parts of someone, soak all of that up, than talk about whether the food was good. the music video describes this in part, but also gives a hades/persephone but worse type of story that is also quite kiana aligned. that’s the kind of love i’ve been dreaming of

6. creep by radiohead

i want you to notice when i’m not around. so fuckin special, i wish i was special, but i’m a creep. not to ‘have you ever seen me without this hat’ on you, but lissen! kiana is forever convinced she’s an outsider. the things she likes are more Cool these days than they were when she was a kid, but the feeling of being ostracized for liking them back then will always live with her. she’s an insecure overthinking fuck at times too. and also desperately wants to be someone special, and unique, as if having that would make her pain of feeling different worth it

7. seigfried by frank ocean

the meaning of this song is pretty different from how i view it in relation to kiana. for her, the focus is on the idea of ‘settling down’ being... acceptance of normality? her whole life, she’s been searching for someone and/or something that makes her feel special. she became an idol for this exact reason, dated her ex for that reason, seeks the relationships she does, thinks she could still have superpowers for this reason. but the truth is that she’s pretty normal. her hobbies are very normal people type things. her talents aren’t anything that would have her being called top of the line. her thoughts are all things other people have thought of. her booksmart intelligence isn’t any stronger than the average. she is very normal, and the tiny part of her that acknowledges that usually shoves it away. but on occasion, she wonders if she should accept it, and settle

8. gimme love by joji

gimme gimme love is all you really need to know lol kiana doesn’t stick around easily when she’s not being given the same kind of world-ending affection from those she’s chosen to share that with that she gives out. she gives at Least 110% of her love, affection, and loyalty into anyone that she has chosen to keep closest to her heart, and if she isn’t getting that back, she can feel dejected, unloved, and unimportant. she may give people like this a few chances to change, but her expectations, or “standards,” won’t change

9. pain by king princess

cos i can’t help turning my love into pain is the strongest lyric that ties back to kiana. the overall message isn’t as strong because king princess has a different view on a relationship as described than kiana. for her, it’s yet another kiana will put herself in the face of terrible parts of relationships. the trouble is that she enjoys it, and seeks it, thinking it’s the ultimate show of love. not to pain one another, but to be pained without them. also realizing after all these i should be saying this applies to her inner circle friendships as well, but the standards are just a little less heavy

10. any song by zico sun

not one for big gatherings, kiana likes to have her social interaction either through the wire, or in small groups (duos are best to her tbh) the song has an upbeat tune that contrasts against the lyrical meaning of something more about... any song will do, something to drag away the sadness that’s living inside. kiana functions a bit like that, always seeking her uniqueness to bust out and save her from her own mind thinking she’s not good enough

11. why won’t they talk to me? by tame impala

she is asocial, but that doesn’t mean being a hermit,, an otaku,, whatever you want to call her, is a life full of happiness. she functions very well on her own, but when she has that for too long, it can be damaging to her head as well, especially when she has inner circle friends or a romantic relationship. when not speaking to these people, the need for human connection seems unbearable to deal with, and anxiety runs rampant

12. alien by lee suhyun

her mama told her she’s alien, but actually it was herself telling herself she’s alien mixed with influence from pop culture making her want to be a superhero and kids who told her she was a freak, all coming together in the desire for weirdness to be a Cool thing. kiana will wish til the day she croaks that she will have a realization that she has a special power

13. stressed out by twenty one pilots

ki doesn’t care about the core message of this song. many people relate to oh no bills~ adult stress~ but kiana doesn’t. even if she wasn’t born into a family that could live comfortably, and didn’t become an idol making phat stacks, she would feel the same. to her, it’s an inevitability. HOWEVA the beginning lines are 1:1 for how she wishes to be something extraordinary, and is supa insecure that she isn’t. i wish found some better sounds that no one’s ever heard. i wish i had a better voice that sang some better words ... i was told when i get older all my fears would shrink but now i’m insecure and i care what people think

14. true crime by epik high ft. miso

not exactly 1:1 word by word, since there’s several perspectives coming in one song, however, the overall message i think can be summed in it’s a true crime to be without you. other lines like i’d open up my chest for your entertainment, that was the line that drew me to originally put this in the playlist. i’m not sure on a story behind the song, but it strikes me as something bonnie & clyde-esque? there’s themes of being on the run, lying on the pavement dying, stuff like that. that kind of relationship is strongly the ideals kiana holds for her romantic and close platonic relationships

15. shine by pentagon (shouldve been knight but bad bois image PLAYIN)

i cannot explain to u the random joy this dumb song gave me when it came out. it’s similar to power up like i just?? get so happy lol anyway the whole premise is like nerdy person has a crush n theyre like oh my god~ why would u like me~ i cant say i like u~ it’s super fucking cute. i’m a loser who loves you. yes, i’m a misery. to you, i’m a nuisance, i’m an outsider, but in this world, i only need you. that’s where the kiana part comes in strongest, or explains it in one sentence. she worries she isn’t enough for others but her affections are always incredibly strong. also she’s cute

16. tail by sunmi dimensions soloist 2

when i first heard this song, i needed to play it again to pay attention to the lyrics because i had the feeling it was kiana-esque. i was right, but i would say that it’s where kiana could go at her worst. has she been there? i’m not so sure. perhaps teetering on the edge of having her claws out, but really, for now, it’s just that the potential is there

17. she’s my religion by pale waves

so as to not repeat myself too much and because this is so much fookin writing already, this is another song that talks about how deeply and dangerously kiana falls into others. she’s no angel, but she’s my religion, always finding ways to numb the pain ... made me feel like i was finally enough ... she needs this love just as much as me

18. space cadet by beabadoobee

this song has similar themes to alien, but rather than about being special, it’s about being in a shitty place and letting your mind wander to create a better reality. ki has her interests, her extreme love of her fandoms, because it’s an escape for her. that’s not something i personally approve of, however, it’s a common reality for many people. living in these online spaces and thinking of these fictional worlds gives her a place to go to when the irl world is too difficult for her to handle

19. me! me! me! by teddyloid

you might think this is a meme addition and sure! to a degree it is! but i’m also going to talk about it as an actual piece of music and visuals. first we’ll talk about the music video. kiana feels complicated about the type of anime fans that oversexualize everything, so in general, she likes a message that’s against those types. the message of addiction tearing real life relationships apart also is something kiana sorta needs to hear. the lyrics of the song itself talk about an all consuming type of relationship, and dissects it to explain how it wasn’t love, but worship, which was dangerous to them both. it’s a song that kiana perhaps would need to take to heart, but i, as her mun, am unsure if she ever will. that depends on the connections she forms, and what types of people are goading her on, or trying to get her to stop

[pitayatea]

Talk is Jericho: The Emancipation of Jon Moxley

(i highly recommend listening to the episode if you have time, its a great listen and it goes a lot into jons thought process behind his leaving and the timeline from august until he left. if you dont have time or just want a rundown before you listen to see if youd be interested, i complied a list of points in the episode,,, i guess? idk.)

(none of these are in order im horrible at listing things but all of this was discussed at some point):

- mox started the podcast saying he harbors no ill will for wwe, how grateful he is for the time he spent there, how they helped him grow as a person, etc. he also talks fondly of the make a wish program and the fans and everything.

- there's a good bit of him talking about renee and describing her as his best friend, his soulmate, and how even if they had nothing it was fine bc they had each other. prime otp shit we stan. im sorry i love their relationship.

- jon describes a time where he was approached about a promo describing him doing stupid stuff that an idiot would do (riding a unicycle backwards, sharing pizza with a homeless dude, etc), and asking that it be changed because he doesnt want his character to be seen as an idiot. the line was taken out and readded by vince. when he confronted vince, vince didnt see the issue and described the segment as good shit and thought it described the dean character perfectly, which jon took as being described as an idiot.

- jon hated his heel turn, and defined it as being heavily micromanaged and told numerous stories of fighting with scripts and writers and vince because they wanted to do joke shit that he didnt want to do. he hated the germaphobe angle, he despised the vaccine promo, and it was all stuff pushed by vince.

- he also talks about other promos he hated before his heel turn, and a lot of it started as early as the 2014 feud with seth (the hotdog cart, seth mannequin, etc.)

- i actually remember an older tij episode where he goes into detail about how it was vince who pushed the mannequin thing, and how he once walked into vinces office and found vince sitting in his chair, facing the mannequin, with weapons laid out, verbally describing what he wanted to do to the mannequin... do with that what you will.

- (aka vince is senile which,,, we been knew)

- both of the stories he told are extremely interesting: one describes the time he knew for sure he was gone and started counting the days, and the other describes the time he almost walked out.

- there was numerous lines during his heel turn that he refused to use and demanded to be changed.

- one of which was a joke about a pooper-scooper that got changed to the gas mask line. he describes literally having to go behind vinces back and rushing with writers to get a copy of the script without the joke onto vinces desk before the one with the joke got there because vince wouldve forced him to do it.

- he describes all the promos he did that night as confusing and not telling stories, and remarked that "if we didnt need to run around and try to not look like idiots, we could focus on telling stories", which flustered a writer he was with at the time.

- the writers and jon got a note from vince which stated "dean needs to understand why he needs to insult the audience. dean needs to read his promos verbatim and not try to rewrite them." jon remembers feeling like he got punched in the gut and lashed out in frustration at a writer (in retrospect, he admitted it wasnt the writer's fault and he was just emotional).

- "why do i work here? im a professional wrestler, who can tell stories and come up with promos and i believe i have the ability to talk people into buildings, i learned those skills years ago, and i wanted bring them to the wwe, and you just want me to say your stupid lines. if you want someone to stay your stupid lines, hire an actor because theyll probably do a better job of it than me. im not interested in doing it."

- he spoke frankly about the fact that wwe is a billion dollar company, run by an alleged genius, filled with adults, and they were talking about pooper-scoopers, and how ridiculous it sounds.

- after the pooper-scooper joke was removed, vince took the gas mask comment literally and tried to make jon go out with a surgical match. eventually, it was talked down to the hankerchief that made it into the final cut of the promo.

- vince once mentioned how jon had so much creative license, to which jon remarks: "what creative license? what creative license do I have? i do exactly what you tell me and its terrible crap. thats not creative license."

- he booked it immediately after the show, got into the hotel, and immediately thought (after thinking that he needed a drink) that the entire segment was a waste of time because they got nothing done, and he didnt get why everyone was celebrating afterwards. he remarked that after doing six promos in one night, he couldnt say what the story was, who the characters were, and that the angle was dead, if it wasnt already.

- jericho agreed that the creative process of going through vince is awful and that it burns you out and that, at the end of the night, the match was the easy part.

- jon was never scared of getting fired for being outspoken, because he still did the work. if he couldnt convince vince that it wasnt a good idea, hed go out and try hard to make it good.

- jon woke up to a text from a writer describing the vaccine segment, and he responded that he "fucking hated it" and the writer texted back "yeah, i know".

- by the time he showed up to the building, word had gotten out that he wasnt happy with the vaccine promo. vince knew jon wasnt happy and called him to his office to reassure him that the bit wasnt comedic, and that its good stuff and its well written and would get him so much heat. he explains all of this while laughing, immediately proving that it is comedic, and said there was no props involved, to which jon replied "then whats with the actor we hired to play the doctor or the giant syringe? are those not props?"

- jon was ***EXTREMELY*** uncomfortable making comments about romans leukemia, and didnt even want to say the lines that got on tv, and sounded audibly pissed off when talking about it. when he confronted vince, vince said that roman needs to be in the story, that dean turned on both roman and seth, and that roman is a key part of the story.

- both jericho and jon then talk briefly about the 'vince jedi mind trick', where he makes things seem better than they actually are, and jon fell victim to it in that promo despite considering himself to be immune. he immediately regretted the lines as soon as he said them.

- there was a line in a promo talking about romans cancer that jon refused outright to say, and wouldnt even say it on the episode. all he said is that the wwe wouldve lost sponsors (esp the susan g. komen sponsorship) and someone (likely him) wouldve gotten fired. vince tried to convince him to say the lines but he absolutely refused and it was a matter of "ok i guess youre not comfy bc its roman" and not "its extremely offensive" with vince agreeing to not force the promo. jon then said it wouldnt have mattered to vince anyways bc he wouldnt have been blamed for it, and it wouldve been jon who took all of the heat. he then makes a comment in case whoever was responsible for the promo was listening:

- jons wanted to leave wwe since july 2018, and almost walked out after an episode of raw during his heel turn due to creative frustrations.

- jon wanted to return from injury as a completely new heel character. he brought this up to vince twice - once in february, when they thought hed be cleared for wrestlemania 34, and once in july, before his actual return.

- in february, vince had stated that they could do what jon wanted to do. the story changed by july due to them advertising the shield for the aus super showdown and not wanting to take them off the billing.

- they then wanted him to return as seths buddy in his corner for summerslam. jon wanted to return at summerslam as a surprise, and vince had an original plan for him to show up at the go home show for summerslam and just,,, be there, but agreed to go with jons plan.

- the week of summerslam, a writer contacted jon while he was training with joey mercury and cody hawk in cincinnati that he was, in fact, showing up at the go home show for vinces original plan. essentially, vince lied to him to sedate him because jon says he was extremely outspoken about everything. he managed to talk vince and the writers into putting a little bit of action into the go home show.

- jon hated the line that seth said to announce his return ("since you have a scottish psycopath, i ought to have a lunatic in mine"), which was entirely a line planted by the creative team and wasnt the fault of jon or seth. he felt like it muddled the crowd reaction and the pop bc everyone was reacting in different ways and he thought they shouldve just played the music because "how can you screw that up?"

- hes been creatively frustrated since 2016 on smackdown.

- by the time he left the company, he hated the character of dean ambrose and couldnt look at himself in the mirror.

- they tried burying dean with the nia storyline and squash matches, but fans loved him so much that vince saw dollar signs and pushed for the shield reunion tour. if it wasnt for fans being behind him, jon wouldve been mercilessly buried.

- aew was not his main reason for leaving. originally, he wanted to go back to czw or the indies. he wouldve left the company no matter what - even if no other promotions existed, he wouldve left and created his own promotion.

- jon described feeling severe symptoms of depression during his last few months, to the point where he couldnt motivate himself to get out of bed or go to the gym or do anything. he even looked up symptoms on webMD to confirm what he was feeling - jericho also confirmed it the second jon started talking about it.

- he outright stated that vince and the creative process and the shit vince had built around the wwe since 2002 is killing the company.

- he does not want to compete with wwe, he just wants to try and push them to improve the product and try and get vince to step back slightly and not micromanage so heavily.

- jon only got paid 500 bucks for the shields final chapter special, which is the same price that extras get on main shows and the same price that unused roster members get for just showing up and sitting in catering. jericho then brought up that during a house show street fight between him and ambrose, they both only got paid 750. 500 and 750 are bare minimum prices for just showing up - so they barely got paid for a dangerous gimmick match on a house show.

- jon and cody have been friends since before cody left wwe, and used to sit backstage and watch old wcw matches while getting ready for matches.

- he considers codys experience to be similar to his, and that they both experienced the same frustrations at different times.

- jon and jericho both agree that tony khan (CEO of aew) is the exact opposite of vince, and is a bigger wrestling fan than vince is. jericho then brings up that he doesnt see how vince can be a fan any longer because hes been doing it so long without a break. jon agreed and stated that vince is never gonna retire and is def gonna die in the chair, and how he just needs to step back a little bit.

- jericho brought up how jon broke the internet and jon practically jumped at the chance to tell the story.

- "king of social media, mic drop bitches." that is the line of the century im sorry.

- the inspo for the original mox teaser released on may first was inspired by the first venom teaser trailer.

- double or nothing was already planned to be moxs first appearance when the teaser dropped, and he had to keep it on the dl to make sure no dirtsheets reported it and no one advertised him to be there. he admitted he isnt tech-savvy and everyone who hes friends with who is belong to wwe, and the dude who helped him film the teaser was sick nick mondo.

- the trailer took two days to film and cost eight grand, but jon admits he wanted it to be quality and didnt care.

- while filming the trailer, vince texted him to try and extend his contract for the europe tour bc shield money. his response was that he was committed to a film project, which vince took as him filming a movie and not him filming the trailer.

- jon didnt tweet the trailer, he had a social media expert time it to where it released at exactly midnight through some techno shit with twitter.

- roman and seth knew how unhappy jon was in wwe and they were understandably sad to see him go but they wanted him to be happy.

- he talks about how he told seth he was leaving: seth had responded that he was super bummed out, and jon told him that he "is a wild animal, babe" and has been contained for too long. seth immediately agreed, saying it was the perfect analogy.

- the way he describes it kinda describes seth being more broken about jon leaving than roman, which also correlates with seths responses to questions about him leaving. do with that what you will, shippers.

- from now on, nothing is driven by money for him. everything is driven by trying to be the best he can be. he wants that for everyone: he wants his friends to be the best they can be, he wants his wife to be the best she can be, he wants the fans to be happy and everything, but his happiness is the most important thing.

- he feels more passionate about wrestling now, and describes it as his first love and his only love besides renee. the way he describes it reminds me of cm punk losing his passion due to wwe, and i feel like he wouldve ended up exactly like punk if he stayed any longer.

- his favorite part of the business is promos, and the scripted promos made him loathe it. aew gave him his passion for promos and wrestling back.

- he compares himself to the dentist elf from rudolph. his closing line is "if you're an elf and you wanna be a dentist, be a dentist." jericho edits in an audio clip from rudolph at the end and its great.

- jon is looking forward to working with legitimately everyone in aew and thinks of it as helping draw eyes to the product and to other lesser known talent, similar to jericho.

- he doesnt want a war, no matter how much he jokes about it. he just wants to show vince that the way he runs his show isnt the only way and it definitely isnt the right way.

- jon, speaking directly to vince: "your creative process sucks. fix it."

(i listened to the podcast in full three times, and i repeatedly replayed segments to confirm everything. if i missed something, lmk.)

[nerdfighterwhatevernumbers]

so i got a call this morning about a job interview, which is good because i need a job, but also it woke me up so i was out of it but i overslept enough that i didn’t wanna say i just woke up and ask her to call back, and then she starts talking about the job asking me questions and like it has nothing to do with what i applied for, like i applied for customer service junk and she’s asking me about my catering background and i’m like ok i think i applied for a different thing at your same company by mistake sorry and then she’s like oh that doesn’t matter i’ll just ask you about other positions instead, and it’s hard to understand her like she has an accent or a speech impediment or something and i’m still waking up and also anxious because job call so i had to ask her to repeat stuff a couple times and she’s like ‘oh we could put you with this thing’ and it vaguely sounds more like what i wanted to apply for so i was like sure i guess and she was like great your interview will be two mother loving hours long and tomorrow afternoon, you have to take a typing test, a customer service exam, and along with a normal interview you will have to roleplay customer service scenarios like are you kidding me the social work position i applied for wasn’t this rigorous, this job is asking me to go on a phone all day and the other job was asking me to take care of people’s beloved grandparents and it was just a half hour sit down interview, and i’m still not actually sure what the thing she mentioned is so when she asks if i have any questions i ask what a day working that job actually is and why she likes it and instead of answering the first part that tells me what this effing job is- which she apparently assumes i know even though she called me about an entirely different position- she gives me a spiel about how great and nice the company is like okay but can you answer the part that tells me what this job is asking me to do in the first place

and i’m still dazed because she’s throwing a whirlwind at me and i don’t wanna be rude and i’m more awake at this point but still not all there mostly because i’m getting more anxious and don’t want to sound terrible so i’m just like okay once she tells me she’ll send me an email with more details (i also had questions like where do i even go for the interview if this building apparently has these different departments but assumed that would be in the email)

so then my roommate gets home, they work for the same place but a different department than what i applied for and each department does a different thing, so i’m like ‘how long was your interview cuz 2 hours sounds ridiculous and also what does x department do’ and they’re immediately like mine was really short and not 2 hours also you don’t wanna work for that department, because apparently it’s all sales and not customer service like i was trying to apply for and i did not know that because again this lady did not explain the job AND i never got the email- it is 2 am and i still do not have that email

so i can call tomorrow and say ‘hey i don’t think i can work for that department because i can do customer service but i really don’t think i’d do well in sales if there’s a customer service department maybe we can talk about that’ but also i’m concerned that if she says yeah she’ll have me come in for the interview at the same time, which is at like 2 but still that means less time to mentally prepare myself AND i only just remembered she told me to bring two forms of id and a copy of my resume like really i need two forms of id, this is the only interviewer that asked for even one id, and the only hard copies of my resume i have are my old ones with mostly the same info except they def have my old address on them from out of state and you know what the lady didn’t even read my resume properly because she thought the city i went to college in was where i was actually from even though my community college was in a totally different city

i have a printer to print off an updated resume but guess what, i’m out of black ink, a problem i already thought was fixed but apparently wasn’t, and on top of that i need to mail a bill out tomorrow because it needs to get back to my old state by saturday and i had to buy stamps tonight but i didn’t realize the dude at the grocery store didn’t actually give me my stamps until i got home and it was late so to get my bill in the mail before the mail person comes i have to go to the store with my receipt and hope they give me my stamps instead of making me pay another 10 dollars because they don’t believe me and then if they make me go to the interview at the same time tomorrow i have to go to the library to print off my resume while making sure i don’t forget my ids

and i’m already anxious about the interview so adding time pressure errands does not friggin help, i mean my interview isn’t until later and i def shouldve gone to bed sooner, but still, and i wasn’t as anxious for my other interviews because i had mroe days to mentally prepare, they all gave me at least two days, and none of them asked for extra papers, and i actually kind of wanted those jobs but this job is literally just a ‘i need money and looked at my checking account yesterday and it was scary’ job and MAYBE i wouldn’t feel as anxious if the last place i interviewed called me back, because they emphasized they WOULD call me back even if i didn’t get the job, but they didn’t and that was an entire week ago

like, this would not stress me out as much if i even kind of wanted the job for any reason beyond money but instead i feel like i’m gonna have to jump through hoops to do something i hate and hate the entire process of doing it 

so cheers to this already incredibly messy and unreliable sounding job that i may or may not interview for- given the way things are going i’ll try calling them tomorrow and the phone number i have will be for a vegan taco truck. they will then proceed to tell me missing my interview means i have chosen to work for their cosmetics department.

[sootonthecarpet]

if it's not too much trouble to answer, can I ask what's been the going on with doctor who that's bad? I've seen little bits of it when my parents watch it in the other room but not enough to really get a good sense of it?

heyyy sorry to keep ya waiting on this. i tried to keep this as short as i could, but it’s about five paragraphs long, sorry. it’s not in any way a comprehensive list of problems with the last few seasons, just a quick tour of the moments i shouldve let be my ‘i can’t keep watching after this’ point. i wanted to write it objectively but i got pretty aggro, bc this show that in some part i genuinely adore has been producing unforgivably bigoted content. (it’s kinda a ship of theseus situation, except where the parts of the ship were replaced with worse, shittier, fake-woke parts.) i ask ppl to avoid reblogging this, because i don’t want my words to contribute in any way to online buzz surrounding this show or make anyone want to see it, even if ONLY to hatewatch or criticize.

content warning for misogynoir/antiblackness, racism, bury ur gays, some shit with nazi germany (yeah lol) and just the slightest kiss of antisemitism.

(edit: i seem to be having some problems with the read more cut. it’s there on dash view and when i edit the post, but doesn’t show on some instances of my blog. i can’t fix this but gksfkgls. wanted to at least be overt that i wouldn’t post this kinda long ranty stuff without a cut.)

in the last season where peter capaldi was the doctor, two seasons ago now, he had a new companion, Bill. she was a black lesbian and literally the only reason i started watching doctor who again. i loved her, and i was really glad to see the show moving back towards the more diverse cast of characters that we saw in the late aughts. then the season had a repeated theme of FORCING her to either repress or not feel her emotions. there are two scenes that stand out most to me. in an ep set in like, early 19th century london, she and the doctor are talking to a racist rich white dude who is being super nasty to Bill. the doctor keeps telling her to cool it and not show how angry she is. then HE gets to punch the guy out and knock him to the floor.

this theme of the white man being the only one allowed to get angry was big all season, iirc. then at the end of the season, Bill is turned into a cyberman. they’re usually like. soulless scary automatons, but some characters keep their individuality, which has been explored in a few past seasons, usually leading up to a tragic/heroic death. in Bill’s case, they did this trick with filming where we could see her perspective of herself in some shots–an intensely emotional performance, Bill was completely traumatized and her actress was working her ass off–and in others, just this metal body incapable of expression, scaring people like she was a monster and monotoning these otherwise very emotional statements. it’s an interesting narrative device, but after a whole season of this show putting Bill through all kinds of terrible shit and forcing her not to show her feelings on the matter, it hit me as like. this nauseating exaggeration of how society treats actual black lesbians as monsters and tries to make them bottle up their emotions and especially their justifiable anger. anyway, then Bill died and got to be with her dead girlfriend from her first episode. wow, cool.

idk what made me watch the season after that. i guess i wanted to see the new doctor, and i liked her companions (one was like. a young man with disabling neurological symptoms, tbh even if i’d missed Bill’s season that might have had me back on board). i had plenty of problems with how the season played out, obvs, but nothing was standout horrible to me the way the shit with Bill had been (except maybe the episode that started out like ‘space amazon is a hellhole’ and somehow ended with ‘space amazon was taken advantage of by a broken AI that hurt some people and they didnt fix the infrastructure we explicitly showed harmed their workers but now it’s fine!’ if that sounds weird and heavy handed with an unsatisfying ending, it’s because it was). the new season tho? the OPENING EPISODES OF THE NEW SEASON, THO? it opens with alexa product placement, in an episode about how a fictionalized google was actually run by a black man who had ties to a large number of aliens who had secretly infiltrated our society, altered our dna, and shit like that. so uh, 1. brand war lmao, sellouts etc etc 2. y’all remember those conspiracy theories about jews? and white supremacist beliefs that black people are ruining the world but aren’t smart enough to do it on their own so they must be agents of jewish corruption? HUH. HUH! that’s not even my big problem with the fuckin thing, but it’s FOR SURE a suspicious writing move from a tv show with suuuuch a huge viewership. (and it’s just plain embarrassing for a show with alexa product placement to try to go all scary panopticon tropes specifically @ a google analogue.)

anyway, we run into an old recurring antagonist, the master, a time lord like the doctor. he’s a guy again after having been a woman for a few seasons, and now played by an actor of color. i figure the reasoning at least partly relied on “dude, how fucked up will it be if we force the doctor’s black friend to call a white dude master” but i was immediately afraid it might go to the like…. Righteous White Woman Gets The Better Of Evil Brown Man tropes and oh boy!!!! i tried to be good and give it the benefit of the doubt until i saw something racist but it wasted no time. the doctor got stuck in the past at one point, and met the master, who was currently a military official with the third reich. oh boy. so she asks him why they let him work with them and he explains he’s using a device to psychically disguise himself, they see him as white. (we missed a great chance for him to monologue about how they were willing to bend their morals when they saw how evil he could get or something.) this was awkward enough for me as a viewer, but i wasn’t prepared to go into it, in case there was some tiny shred of nuance somewhere that would make this situation anything but a clusterfuck.

well, the doctor executes a genuinely clever scheme and makes a radio transmission to the brits that she knows won’t reach em, talking about how helpful this officer has been–setting up the master to be falsely outed as a double agent when the nazis intercept it. she tells the master this and then skedaddles, letting him be arrested by his own men. could be a satisfying karmic victory where he presumably gets a military trial and weasels out of his fate, although i don’t like the implications of a white woman punishing a brown man for racism. BUT IT DIDN’T STOP THERE! she disables his psychic filter, causing his men to see his true identity as a man of color–she exposes her oldest frenemy and Basically The Only Time Lord Who’ll Talk To Her to nazi racism when he was ALREADY about to fall into their hands as a prisoner. what could have been a marginally satisfying defeat was instead a kind of emotional horrorshow for me as i had to stop and wonder what kind of hell they’d put him through and why the writers decided that the doctor (who has literally since the show began in like the sixties been set up as an enemy of naziism via allegory and has always been firm in the idea that NOBODY, including literal maneating space monsters, deserves to be treated as less than human) would DO that. IT’S LATER IMPLIED HE ESCAPED FROM A CONCENTRATION CAMP. the narrative DOES NOT allow time for that to sink in before moving on.

i dont have a conclusion 2 this. im just hurt as fuck about it. i hope i gave u the info u were looking for without getting too deep into my personal feelings, but it’s difficult, maybe impossible to be objective about stuff like this.

[horrorspell]

a long post before i go, go.

idk where to start and if this will be long bc its 1 am and im tired and i dont care about punctuation and capital letters or going in depth

i got broken up with. she was a shitty girlfriend anyway. i loved her which makes me sad. she never made time for me even though we were LDR, which is like, fucking important for LDR. she cares more about her friends and living her life. understandable. but she gave me some really bullshit fucking reasons for dumping me. just tell me you dont love me anymore and leave. dont give me reasons that just make it worse. and if you knew... if you fucking knew deep in your heart we couldnt be together... why did you ask me to be yours.... and then do this to me. again.

i guess im the fucking idiot for believing we really could make it work. that we were mature. but really i dont think you were mature enough yet like you said you were. you werent ready even if you really wanted to be. i was really ready. i was so so so so ready to be with you. to make plans with you. to one day marry you.

i never want to speak to you again.

*

i rekindled love for a group i left many years ago. i was a really really really big fan for the first year of their life and i was still pretty new to kpop ish? and i was a teenager. So The Love Was A Really Big Deal. then i abandoned them for a group i consider my number one. although im glad i have my #1 i wish i had never abandoned the other group. i missed so much. and my favorite member left in 2014/15 and it made me even more turned off to return to them.

but in this late 2017....i did. only a little. but im getting somewhere with them. and i reallly..... really do love the member who left. hes successful in china. and happy. and i love him. i love him so much. and i missed out on so many things. but im really happy to have you again.

*

i became very close with two girls from my fic circle. we were already friends, and pretty good ones at that, but recently we have become extremely close. i trust them and love them so very much. im glad theyre in my life.

*

i love ten and i miss him dearly. i hope to see you soon sunshine.

i miss jaemin just as much. please heal well.

*

similarly to the other group i got back into a MEMBER Of my FIRST EVER group. im not a fan of the group i guess? but i really love this one member. and im more than comfortable calling myself a fan of him. i really admire and adore him.

* 

i got pulled over in april for having an expired tag. totally my fault shouldve taken care of it. but apparently my mom switched my insurance w/o me knowing so i didnt have proof of insurance when i got pulled over. got two tickets. my first tickets ever. and i panicked and when to my mom for help. my mom is a shitty, abusive, terrible parent and i shouldnt have trusted her. but i didnt know what to do??? so i asked her for help. she said she would take care of it and i trusted her.

she said “ill pay for it dont worry (since it was her fault i had a court date for the insurance problem)”

i had never dealt with this stuff before and she was like “dont worry you dont have to go to court”

so i trusted that she handled it and i didnt go to court.

i got a warrant for my arrest and my license suspended and i didnt know.... until i got PULLED OVER THE SECOND TIME FOR TH TAG. THE TAG WAS MY FAULT. BUT THE INSURANCE WASNT. and so i ALMOST GOT ARRESTED. THEY DIDNT ARREST ME BC THE COUNTY IM FROM TOLD THE COUNTY I WAS IN “NVM TRAFFIC IS TOO BAD TO COME GET THEM” SO I DIDNT GET FUCKING ARRESTED ON FUCKING LUCK!!!!!!!!!!1

and then i GOT EVEN MORE TICKETS. AND ANOTHER COURT DATE.

I OWED $1000+ TO THE STATE.

AND MY LICENSE IS SUSPENDED AND I STILL HAVEN FUCKING FIXED IT!!!!!

AND THEN MY CAR RADIATOR BUSTED!!! AND THEY FOUND 958495 OTHER THIGNS WRNG WITH IT AND I HAD T O PAY $900 TO GET IT FIXED

AND IT ALL CAME OUT OF MY OWN FUCKING POCKET!!!! AND MY BEST FRIEND WAS SO KIND AS TO GIVE $500 FOR GETTING MY CAR FIXED. 3000 dollars worth of financial grievance i paid all on my own.

and my mom still kept making me give her money for bills and cigarettes and groceries and things we didnt need. and im so scared of her i have to give it to her. because shes really emotionally manipulative and abusive. and i just.... iim really tired. im realy tired of her and she makes me really want to kill myself???

and i got dumped??? in the middle of all of this. 

*

i dont know what else to say. im tired. i love my friends. i love my favorite groups and games and tv shows. im doing okay in school. my life is still a fucking disaster. 

* 

i did get my tag updated but if i randomly get pulled over i could go to metro jail. Lol

[darn-it-all-to-heck]

Ugh I feel like shit what the hell? My “break” didn’t really feel like a break it was just work on work on work on work. My ass is just trying to enjoy the stuff that I like but why can’t my stupid ass just feel better about myself???????? BITCH WHAT THE FUCK. I don’t feel like I’ve been myself lately.

I’m a piece of shit fucking worthless average piece of fucking shit lowlife shit fuck me im so stupid.

Who the hell do i think I am. Is this just a continuation of unresolved issues from the past??? What more do I need?? Oh wait my stupid fucking ass is fucking forgetful. Piece of shit. What a fucking piece of shit. I’m ANGRY at myself!!!!! the hell is the matter with me???

Day 1 of break:

Can’t tell my parents that I’m basically failing all of my classes because I’m stupid.

Go to combo. What the hell was that this week??? I am trying to run a smooth gig but none of my freaking winds are helping run the show!!! Am I going to have to require them to have notebooks on what we work on in practice?? Can you guys just freaking listen to the songs??? Is it that hard?? “Oh idk if we can do that because we didn’t run it”. GAHHH

IF EVERYONE JUST LISTENED TO THE MUSIC THEN WE WOULDNT HAVE THIS PROBLEM!!!!!!!!

I SHOULDVE JUST SET EVERYTHING UP FOR THE STUPID FUCKING GIG SO WE DON’T RUN INTO THESE STUPID PREVENTABLE PROBLEMS. IDIOTTTTTTTTTTT. WHY ARE YOU SO FREAKING TIRED YOU DONT DO ANYTHING YOU PEICE OF SHIT ASS FUCK. GOD DAMN!!!!

Is it really my fault that they don’t know how to do anything like setting up or anything? PISS

What a great first impression for your friend huh? I must seem very professional with THE STUPID FUCKING THINGS THAT WENT WRONG WITH THE STUPID GIG IDFUCKING CARE ABOUT THE AMOUBT OF MONEY THAT SHIT IS WORTHLESS IF I DONT FEEL LIKE I RIGHTFULLY EARNED THAT SHIT ITS STUPID I FUCKING HATE THAT GUY

OH ITS 21+ FUCKK YOU FUCKING ASS HAT FUCK YOU FUCKKKKKKKKKK FUCKING DO YOUR DAMN FUCKING JOB AND PROMOTE US PAY YOUR DAMN LIGHT BILL ANF FUCKING TURN THE FUCKING MUSIC OFF IF YOU HACE A BAND PLAYING AT YOUR SHITTY ASS VENUE YOU PIECE OF SHIT MOTHERFUCKING ASS PISS WHO AM I GOING TO PLAY FOR IF NO ONES THERE AND DONT YOU DARE DONT YOU FUCKING DARE COME TO ME AND SAY YOU DIDNT BRING LOTS OF PEOPLE TO MY BAR SO IM GOING TO SHAVE OFF A COUPLE HUNDRED YOU FUCKING BOUNCINGASS CHECK PIECE OF SHIT GOOD LUCK FINDING ANOTHER GULLIBLE BAND THAT WILL PLAY FOR YOUR SORRY ASS BECAUSE IM TAKING MY BAND OUT OF YOUR PIECE OF SHIT PLAVE FUCKING ASSS. GET YOUR FUCKING HEAD OUT OF YOUR DAMN ASS YOU PRICK.

I’m a terrible leader in my band. I’m not even that good why am I even playing bass I can’t do anything. I can’t even play it that well I’m playing like a middle schooler. Fuck you for thinking that you actually got better fucking piece of shit.

Do your damn hw other people can balance all this and more why can’t you?? Are you stupid?? Are you just lazy?????

Why can’t I just have a break break where I’m not doing anything? I don’t want to think about anything or do anything. I just want to lie down in bed and sleep.

And what the fuck was that at Starbucks???? You’re almost 22 and you’re acting like a damn child just get up and say hi if you wanted to talk. Fuckin dryer than my first relationship. God damn.