#it was supposed to be a one-day thingggg

[derangedbutdedicated]

im trapped in a hospital with nothing but poorly written fiction and my headphones. shall i ever see the light of day again? probably. the window is terribly large. (second)sotd is anesthesia by type o <33

[bellamyblakru]

omg ok so idk how many im allowed to ask for the otp ask game thingy BUT if this is too many just do the ones you really want:D (SORRY I GOT EXCITED)

merthur & 2, 6, 7, 13, 24, 29, 30

oh my god roya i went ham on these. i apologize in advance 💀i got so excited too siskksksksks thank you so much for this holy shit, it was literally so much fun

2. Big spoon/Little spoon?

omg i think it depends on who got the drama arc that day ajclajfefkafn i would say normally merlin is 100% the big spoon LOL he just has that “need to comfort and protect” vibe, you feel?

6. What is their favorite feature of their partner’s?

oooo so interesting, like physical features? id wanna say merlin loves arthur’s hands the most. like he can just sit for hours watching arthur signing documents and writing speeches and all that shit, plus arthur is definitely a hands on man (since he was touched starved to the max) so merlin always craves those little moments where arthur’s hand lingers on his own, or on his neck, or on his chest. the first thing to come to my mind for arthur is that he absolutely adores merlin’s hair. like when he forgets to cut it short and it gets a bit longer and more curly, the wildness just fits merlin so nicely. his hair in the morning is just so messy and perfect and the way the light hits it makes merlin feel more ethereal--its in those moments, right before merlin wakes up, where arthur just stares at this magical king and wonders what god he should thank for giving him someone so lovely.

7. What’s the first thing that changes when they realize they have feelings for the other?

OH GOD. dude, the first thing that changes for merlin is what he thinks about as he helps arthur dress for the day. now, he notices the subtle way arthur leans into his touch, the way arthur smiles softly when merlin fixes his collar, the way his own hands tremble, ever-so slightly, as he smooths out arthur’s shirt. ARTHUR. man, the first thing that changes for arthur when he realized he has feelings for merlin is EVERYTHING. my mans tries to not change a fucking thing about the routine or day--but he tries way too fucking hard and its painfully noticeable that something is happening in his mind. merlin notices it, of course, but thinks arthur is stressed about something kingly. you know who tells him to fucking stop? LANCELOT. that man walks up to arthur, drags his ass aside, and gently, but not weakly, says “you suck at this” and helps him understand that merlin is already head over heels for him wjsjjsksksks

13. Who reaches for the other’s hand first?

arthur. 100%. touch is his thingggg™️. merlin has probably ached to hold arthur’s hand for years, but arthur does it first. i imagine two different scenarios: one, its fucking chaos out. there is some bad guy or some shit they are fighting, the knights are scattered, they are bloodied, bruised, and tired, but merlin hasn’t left his side for even a moment. the warlock’s back is still straight, his chin is still high, the defiance burning so brightly in those eyes that arthur cant help but reach over and grab the man’s hand to try to gain some of his resilience and passion and strength. two, it could be the laziest fucking day of the year. the knights of the roundtable are laughing and eating in arthur’s chambers, lance and gwen are making doe-eyes at one another, gwaine and percy are stealin little glances, and arthur is just so fucking content. like he looks around to smiles, and laughing, and happiness, and he turns his head to see merlin staring at him in concern. and he cant help it, man, he just reaches over and squeezes his hand. merlin’s eyes widen, but a soft smile grows there. arthur just doesn’t let go though, so merlin leans over and puts his head on arthur’s shoulder being completely beautifully content together.

24. Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear during inappropriate times?

BRUH THIS SCREAMS MERLIN. I'M LAUGHING SO MUCH FKHNNSKNR. dudee. imagine it?? they are seated at a Very Important Dinner™️ with some Very Important People™️ and arthur is just about to make a toast and BAM-merlin whispers something outrageously fucking dirty. ARTHUR SPLUTTERS AND TURNS SO FUCKING RED ASDFGHHJK. merlin just smiles (his most regal smile) and turns away to talk to Very Important Someone™️ and arthur has to wait a few more minutes to compose himself and vows to get back at merlin later (he never does because merlin always beats him to it). OR LIKE DURING AUDIENCES? like this fucking farmer is complaining that he thinks his neighbor stole his chicken named Clucky and merlin just walks up to arthur and Says Something™️ that makes arthur cough...violently...and merlin turns around, solves the farmer’s problem, and goes back to his spot like nothing happened. arthur stares at him for much longer than he is suppose to before leon steps in and taps arthur’s shoulder to continue LOLLL

29. one headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart

oh lord,,, where to start? im not sure if this is a common headcanon or not, but that merlin actually could have saved arthur. he is the most powerful warlock to ever fucking exist, and he couldn’t save him? i call bullshit. i think he had the power to, and i think deep down he realizes that when its too late (like arthur’s eyes fluttering shut too late) and thats what breaks him. what haunts him for literal centuries. the simple fact that he could have saved him. i think he didn’t know enough about his magic yet, or that he refused to acknowledge that kind of power simmering under his skin, or that he just didn’t believe enough in himself because of how many times shit had hit the fan when merlin did magic near arthur. so..yeah…yikes

30. one headcanon about this OTP that mends it

LOL im full of angsty headcanons so hmmm. during arthur’s reign, they used to stay up late at night in arthur’s chambers. it didn’t matter what they did: whether it was arthur teaching merlin how to play chess as merlin complained the entire time that strategy at midnight was a cruel and unnecessary punishment, or arthur helped merlin clean his chambers as merlin hummed an old song his mother used to sing to him before bed, or just the two of them sitting in front of the fireplace with two glasses of wine talking about everything and nothing all at once. but once the quiet hits, its never, ever, uncomfortable. they can sit in silence for hours and never be bored or scared to break it. they just sit there, side by side, leaning on one another like they do in everything in life.

thank you again😭💖💖 akakakakak i might have gotten too excited?😂

otp ask game

[tayfritts]

Yall I had such a bad stress dream last that i woke up with a migraine. The worst part is i knew i should have taken my medicine before bed to help but i just told myself id be fine. I know some of you know im supposed to be moving to texas this summer and thats something that has been weighing on my mind for a while. Especially since my family down there has slightly* different morals then i do.

So anyway my dream started with me spending time with them no big deal but then we had to go out onto this weird surreal beach where it felt like dusk but there was this glow that helped us all to see. As i got closer to the shore line i noticed there was a cliff that blocked part of the beach and the only way to get to the other side was to go into the water to get around. I felt very fearful for some reason to even go down there... i walked back up to the house where my family was staying thinking "i need to go to work im late i have to get to work"

but then when i saw my brother and sister i got so happy and just wanted to spend time with them. I ended up getting called away into the livingroom from my dad asking if im gunna go out and have fun with them before i could answer i got called into the kitchen by someone sayinng they missed me. (In irl i dont think they really miss me) and they asked for a hug. I went in to give them a hug and they acted like i was hurting them.... they they said something like a little lighter so i did and right away they acting like i was hurting them.... so i said "im going to stop. Im not trying to hurt you" and walked back out towards this beach.

I guess it has gotten darker cuz i noticed it was glowing behind that cliff. I started walking toward the water cautiously before noticing there were crystals growing out of the water beyond the cliff. I started to step into the water and started getting the thought again that i was late for work and i didnt have much time. Therr was a larger one i really wanted but knew id "be late" if i tried to get to it. I ended up just reaching down and grabbing what looked like a small piece of clear quarts. As i was running back up the beach i bumped into my dad and gave him the crystal. He like kindaaa said thank you but seemed more confused then anything.

The closer i got to the house the more i was like fuck work i dont need to be there. Why do i care so much. I need to just sit and enjoy this time with my family. But before i could fully convince myself i was like "OH BUT THERE IS THIS ONEEEEE THINGGGG I HAVE TO DDOOOO" so now it flashes to be being at work and i snuck into work cuz i didnt want anyone to know i was there and every time someone was about to "catch me" on god i would NARUTO RUN away from them and i was so fast they couldn't see me 😂 im still not sure if i got done what i needed to at work but i remember turning this one corner and there were like 5-6 coworkers and i just naruto ran as fast as i could past them and made it out the back door...

i woke up for a bit took my migraine medication and went back to sleep

Back in my dream its the next day and i was in a managers office getting written up for missing work even thou i got all my work done. I remember just. .. sitting there..... i asked are you serious?? After all ive done?? Then i just sat there again..... i said i had to use the bathroom. walked toward the other side of the building and just started to light everything on fire.

There was no emotion on my face until i heard everyone start to realize and scream. Everyone ran towards the exits and i just stood in the middle of everything feeling like i could finally breath even though there was nothing but flames and smoke around me. Right as i felt like the flames would touch me i turned around and saw one emergency exit not blocked by the flame. I debating for a moment if i wanted to escape. The next thing i knew i was at the door pushing it open. I dont remember anything after that....

Sorry for any spelling errors but i had to hurry up and type this out before i forgot. I feel like my tumblr family are the only people that rrally care sometimes i weird as that seems. Thank you to anyone who read the whole thing or even part of it <3 i hope everyone has a good day! And for any FBI agents reading this i have no intention of burning my place of work down 😂

[ittakesrain]

a shitshow of a brain-dump

Even though I keep thinking this episode is over, it never is. Or, it hasn’t been yet. Eventually, it will be. Hopefully sometime fucking soon. But today is not that day, my friends.

I went to bed at 4:30pm last night. Like, the afternoon. Slept til 7 this morning, too, which I guess isn’t a bad thing. It certainly beats being conscious. But maybe that’s a bad way to look at it haha, like, I shouldn’t want to be unconscious. It’s just like…how else am I supposed to deal while just waiting this fuckin’ thing out?

I was asking myself what’s better. Crying for hours, tears saturated with anguish and discomfort and uncertainty and fear? Or all-consuming emptiness, nothing left to think or feel or experience, al emotion lost in the void? They both suck. But it’s been changing up nightly, so there’s at least some variety in the fucking depression.

I had therapy this morning, which always helps, and it did help, and I’m so relieved because I’m still kinda riding that high even though I needed my Klonopin (that I’ve been taking daily, because why suffer, I can’t take the suffering).

Anyway. I went in all mopey and folded into myself as usual but she eventually got me talking (damn, how does she do that?) and I was able to breathe for 45 minutes and have that time as a break from wanting to cease existing just to escape the torment. I could go on forever about the miracles that happen there, while we sit next to each other on the floor by the window, but more on that later.

I hung out with a friend after, a fellow mental health warrior, and it was a great distraction, and she totally understood that I needed to bolt outta there once I felt the oncoming, out-of-nowhere panic attack ready to pounce.

Came home. Ate fucking food (berries and cottage cheese, weird but healthy, I guess?). I actually ate something with my therapist today too, she gave me some of those breakfast biscuit things, and I ate them, go me.

I took all my fucking vitamins and supplements. Multi bc I’m not getting enough shit I need, biotin because since I’m not getting the shit I need my hair is falling out. Magnesium because it’s supposed to help with anxiety. PassionFlower extract because that is alsooo supposed to help with anxiety and I am desperate.

I also feel the need to say that I’m doing everything right. I’m taking the meds and stopping to inhale and exhale like a normal human, I’m tryinggggg to stay positive. I’m disheartened (and fucking furious) that this still happened.

Now for the brain-dump part that probably isn’t going to make any sense because it’s literally just random nonsense I typed up throughout the day.

I was thinking about what I want right now (an end to the torture, a plan of attack to kick back at this bullshit, some internal motivation that doesn’t dissipate abruptly and painfully) and about what I need (aside from a damn miracle). Like, how do I ask for help from people? What can I tell them I need? Basically I just need patience. Lots of love and affection (all the hugs and cuddles, please). I need work to be understanding about this. Which they are. It’s just ugh I’m still embarrassed.

Okay, now a word on understanding. I hate when people tell me they understand because unless they have bipolar, they most certainly do not and don’t insult me by saying that you do. I’m not gonna invalidate the pain other people feel, that’d be a shitty thing to do. But like, it’s insulting and upsetting. If I’m trying to explain how in my dark moments I literally CANNOT see clearly, I CANNOT fathom a time when I wasn’t in pain or a time when I won’t be in pain, I CANNOT function…and you tell me you’ve been there? Well then why can’t I just “be positive” and move on, like you apparently were able to do. I don’t wanna rant about this too much, but like. It’s on my mind.

I also had this random thought: I take one step forward, two steps back, two steps forward, one step back. I’m staying in the same place (cue bitter frustration seeping out of my brain). But I’m kinda dancing with it. Dancing in place. Like, what I mean by that is I’m trying. I’m doing new things and trying my best (when I am capable of it) and just. I dunno, is that a good perspective?

Lastly, I’m trying to find a way to love myself even with my malfunctioning, glitch-ridden brain. Even with my blossoming bouquet of mental illnesses. What I really mean by that is I’m trying to be proud of myself in spite of feeling like a total failure. I mean, yeah, surviving on a daily basis is a HUGE accomplishment for someone who’s got a mental illness. If you’re in that category of people, congrats and I’m so proud of you. But like gahhh I wanna be proud of myself and it seems to be a struggle for me. I’m gonna try being patient. I mean, nothing says I can’t get back up on the horse and try again. Actually, I’m gonna do that. Because I really have no choice, but because that’s how I like to think I am. Resilient, blah blah, we know. Bipolars are resilient. But, like. Yeah.

Some definitions:

Fail- to be unsuccessful in achieving one’s goals

Success- the accomplishment of an aim or purpose

Goal- the object of a person’s ambition or effort, the desired aim or result

Ambition- a strong desire to do or achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work

And some quotes:

“Failure is not a sin” –dunno who said it but my HS principal said this at our graduation

The only way to fail is to not try –again, dunno who said it, but we all know this basic idea, don’t we

“Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently” –apparently Henry Ford said this

Success is a journey, not a destination –I think of happiness the same way, interesting

“Ambition is believing in yourself even when no one else in the world does”

I’m just trying to convince myself that I’m worthy of the time it’s gonna take for me to get my shit to an acceptable level of “together.” The words I typed up there totally aren’t gonna make sense if anyone reads them, buuuuut maybe when I go back and read this thingggg later, it’ll jog something in my brain that helps.

Alrighty. Enough smashing this keyboard for the night.

[sunshinelittlethings]

September 26, 2022 - Monday

This blog was supposed to be posted yesterday but we have emergency meeting in student council. So yung ilalabas kong samang loob may kasama na din sa nangyari kanina. HAHAHAHA.

Fourth entry for September! Record breaking to shet. Honestly, wala na akong balak magblog ngayong madaling araw since madaling araw na nga pero dahil gusto ko maglabas ng sama ng loob, eto na. Chariz.

Anyway, we have face-to-face exam last Saturday and I swear super nakakapagod po siya. Why? Kasi akyat baba kami sa hagdanan, init lamig ang nararamdaman namin. Why? Wala kasi kaming designated classroom ang section namin. Hindi namin alam bakit parang ang malas maging section 1? Lol, swerte nga kami sa professors pero sa treatment na nafefeel namin sobrang malas. Parang halos lagi kami yung nag-aadjust. They said sorry naman pero yow, baket kami lagi yung walang classroom?? Nakakainis lang kasi bakit ganon? Hindi ako magrereklamo or something kung hindi ganto treatment sa amin pero yeah. Wala e. I just hope this coming Saturday lahat ng sections may assigned rooms na. Please lang nakakapagod maglakad po.

Next, masaya ako nung Saturday kasi nakita ko mga kaibigan ko---well, maraming kaibigan. I am literally being "social butterfly" of our barkada kasi super dami kong kaibigan sa iba't ibang sections ng batch namin. Pasensya naman kung super friendly ako diba? HAHAHAHA. From Section 2 up to 7 I have friends, na mineet ko sa school namin. Grabe talaga bawat lakad ko may nakakasalubong ako e. Kahit yung mga classmates ko from SHS and JHS nakita ko din, hindi naman ako snobber so pinansin ko sila. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Nakasabayan ko pa isa kong classmate ng JHS sa bus papuntang school, nakakatuwa kasi ngayon lang kami nagkausap :< nakakamiss pala kausap yung babaeng yon. We're not totally close but wala naman akong problem sa kaniya, mabait naman siya and super friendly din.

Super saya ko nung Sabado kasi for the first time in a while nakakita ako ng maraming tao sa iisang campus and my first time to see our school campus, I've never got a chance to make a tour talaga since nung nag enroll ako don. Kaya nga napagod ako nung Sabado e. HAHAHAHAHA. Niyakap ko yung mga kaibigan ko, nakatawanan ko, nakasama ko kumain ng lunch until uwian. Sobrang swerte ko din sa guy friend ko na si camel kasi sinamahan niya ako sa sakayan, since don din ang sakayan niya pauwi. I don't have photos sa mga friends ko, meron pero hindi ganon kadami. Busy magreview pero wala namang lumabas sa inaral namen. Nakakaiyak naman. HAHAHAHA.

ONE MORE THINGGGG, ang cute ko sa scrubs namin. Someone told me na bagay sakin ang scrubs namin. Kakilig kasi bagay pala saken ganong mga damit. Mukang professional kahit hindi pa naman. HAHAHAHA. Nakakaiyak lang pamasahe huhu kaya as much as possible gusto ko na din talaga magdrive kaso I can't find time to learn how to drive.

Ano pa ba? UHMMM...di ko alam na HAHAHAHA. Gusto ko na matulog kaya tatapusin ko na to. May upcoming event kami sa department namin and tight schedule ako ngayon since I have still exams to take within this week if may klase na, I just hope wala ng bagyo para matapos na namin exams namin. Super tight nya, kaya nagka-emergency meeting kanina na natapos lang kaninang 12:01 HAHAHAHA. Astigin no? Yown. Ayan lang naman sama ng loob ko sa meeting kanina HAHAHAHA. Wala naman na ako magagawa sa one week preparation. XD

Next time na ulit ang chika ko! I don't know if this will be my last blog for September or meron pa, I just hope meron pa pero most likely eto na talaga last ko since October na next Saturday. Pero kung keri ko maisingit ang blog ko gagawin ko. HAHAHA.

Anyway, thanks for reading my blogs. Love y'all

Song of the Day: Like - BTS

[ipurpleyou1993]

My thoughts on:

100 Days My Prince

Starring: Do Kyung Soo/Nam Ji Hyun/Han So Hee/Kim Seon-ho

- Some people will do the most extreme means to get what they want - even if it means sacrificing personal relationships. Remorse comes later. Although for some, no feelings of guilt at all. (These people belong to one of the worst types of people - IMO)

- Love at first sight is a thingggg. 💕 Hahaha! Of course, in the beginning, the attraction is due to the physical attributes of a person. Then, it will slowly progress into a deeper level of affection once you get to know that person.

- The series is set on the Joseon Era. But until today, there are still a lot of people who kiss-ass for the sake of 'protection' and 'power' - usually in the government and corporate setting which is really sad. 🤦🏻‍♀️😔

- Friends help friends. A friend who supports you in times of need and crisis, and rejoices with you in times of happiness and success is a keeper. 👫👭👬

- No man is a GFN (Good For Nothing). There will always be at least one thing you are good at! 😉

The heart will always remember. You can lose your memories, but your heart will never forget. ❤️

The Gist:

This series tells the story of 2 individuals who try to overcome their bitter past thru their love for each other.

Yi Yul, is the King's nephew. During his younger years, he was told by his father (the king's brother) that he should not be studying too hard and instead, just play all the time to win the king's favor.

In one of his play time with his friends, he comes across Yi Suh, a girl from a noble family, who lectures him about how he should treat his playmates though his social class is way above theirs.

Yi Yul instantly develops a crush on Yi Suh for being brave and really smart. So, to impress the young lady, he studies really hard as well.

When he was about to show off his learnings, he witnesses an event too cruel for a child to see. The unfortunate event happened to be the reason he parted ways with Yi Suh that night.

SPOILER ALERT!

A historical event happens during the this period and Yi Yul becomes the Crown Prince.

10 years have passed but he still continues to search for her hoping she's still alive and well to reconnect.

During Yul's time as the crown prince, he becomes very suspicious about everything happening inside the palace and investigates. He finds out a big secret thus making him the target of the enemy.

The enemy immediately made its move to eliminate Yi Yul. Although, they weren't able to succeed as he lives after the tragic incident without their knowledge. He was saved by Hong Shim's (*) stepdad. The only catch is, he lost his memories.

*As Yi Suh's family was regarded as traitors, Yi Suh had to live by another name to survive - which was Hong Shim*

Prior Yi Yul's memory loss, he ordered all single men and women to marry to stop the drought the kingdom is experiencing.

But, Hong Shim was determined not to marry as she believes that marriage is not supposed to be imposed. But the punishment for this was 100 floggings.

Halfway thru the flogging, Hong Shim's dad brings in Yi Yul as proof that he was to marry Hong Shim. He was given a new identity since he lost all his memories.

They married without any knowledge of who the other person is and their history.

The story slowly unravels from here...and the rest was history. 😊

What I liked about the series:

- First of all, Do Kyung Soo has entered my heart! Hahahaha! 💕💕💕 I liked his character's innocence, intelligence, cold-heartedness and whatever component there is to him both as Yi Yul and Won Deuk! 💕💕💕 I wasn't expecting a lot because I really didn't find him very appealing at first (And may I clarify, AT FIRST). But as the story progresses, I have developed an attachment to his character that I cannot explain. He is so easy to love! Huhu! My heartttt! 💕😍❤️

- The story's first episode is catchy. I like how there is so much action in the beginning. I mean, there were a lot of things going on but they're not hard to process at all because the sequencing is very organized. 👏🏻👍🏻😊

PO: First episodes matter to me. If I find the first episode boring, I easily become uninterested. Anybody who share the same sentiment? Hehehehe!

- Hong Shim's Brother is an eyecandy! Hahahaha! He's so manly and independent and really handsome! 😍😍😍

- The kissing scenes are sooooo worth it! Yup, SCENES!!! Juskolord! 😍😍😍 It's like they are really in love! You would want to believe it!!! Especially when Won Deuk closes his eyes! Juskopanginoonko! 😂😍❤️💕😱

- A supporting role appreciation post: The villagers paved the way for the the comical component of the series. I mean, since most of the events happen at Songjoo Village, both Won Deuk and Hong Shim, spent most of their time and interactions with their village friends. Super funny!

Also, I love how they all have a sense of camarederie towards each other. It's always touching to see that they are willing to go out of their way to help each other. Especially Kkeut Nyeo and Goo Dol.

- Speaking of comedic scenes, this pair - Hong Shim and Won Deuk - has a few scenes of their own that are very funny as well. Especially during the period after their marriage. Won Deuk's cluelessness really got me. I cannot unhear the OHO's, AM I THE ONLY ONE UNCOMFORTABLE and KAMI's I heard during this period. Hahahaha! Soooo, cute and funny! ❤️😍💕🤣

- I love when Won Deuk said this: "I don't want to regain my memories... because I want to stay with you forever..."

You want to seriously hope your partner can say this to your face. Because I do! 😜😊💕

- I love how the story does not revolve on its romantic and comical content. It became more interesting because of the underlying problems they had to resolve through out the series. #Drama #Action #FeelingDetective

- The musical scoring is niceeeee. 👍🏻 Especially during the last few episodes when a lot of revelations are happening. Goosebumps! 😊

Cons:

- It was hard for me to find the chemistry at first. 😔

- The songs from the OST are saaaad - or sounded, saaaaad. Hahahaha! Tho, I have a personal favorite (an instrumental). 😜

- I think it's trend in historical dramas for the King's adviser to be the villain. Hahaha! It kinda makes it seem very predictable. 😂

Soundtrack:

So, here's the full OST album for you 😊

100 Day My Prince OST

As previously mentioned, here's my favorite instrumental (very intense if you ask me 😉)

The Person I Cannot Forget

Because I really loved Do Kyung Soo here, I am now planning to watch series and movies he has participated in. Hihi! 💎💕😊

So there, my thoughts for you! Happy reading --- and watching, hopefully! 😉

CTTO Photos/Music/GIFs

[quisquiliansquidilian]

1,084

Just some angsty Taban garbage since I’m too tired to really think about plot and such, but hey.  I wrote a thingggg. 

I wasn't supposed to fall in love with her.  I mean, it wasn't something that was ever explicitly stated during training, but then again, I don't think they ever really considered it to be much of a possibility back in training.  After all, who would be stupid enough to fall in love with Death?

I was always intensely aware of the feeling of the aphotic creese hidden in my tunic, when she was near by.  The metal seemed to burn slightly against my skin, reminding me of my purpose.  Foolish.  I was so foolish.  I know what I am meant to do and with each passing day, I become more aware of my inability to perform my duty should the need arise.

Should I discuss this with the Blades Master?  Should I voluntarily step down from my position?  Surely there would be questions asked and I wasn't sure that I would be able to answer them.  I know that they sent me here to fail, but I'm not sure that I'm ready to face up to a failure of this magnitude.  They meant merely to take me down a notch, to show me that even if I was the most promising fighter in the Blades that I could be defeated.  They were right, I guess.  They just never expected me to fall to such a weapon as the kind light in the Moon's eyes.

Wesa.  She had even allowed me to call her by her personal name.  Such a sacrilegious act to hold the name of one so lofty on the tongue of one that was born so low.  If she ever heard me saying something like that, she'd probably yell at me again.  She really wasn't much for the traditional, that much was true.  And maybe that meant progress for the rest of our world. . . But it certainly meant destruction for me.

I just couldn't help it.  I had been told all my life to ward myself against every possible attack.  To watch my back at all times.  To never let my guard fall and to never sleep in an unlocked room.  I was taught to steel my heart before a kill, to hunt those that were weaker than me and to fight those who were stronger.  But I was never taught how to guard my heart from kind intentions, soft looks and encouraging words.  I had no defense against kindness and so it slipped past all of my defenses, leaving me utterly helpless before her.  

In the end. . . I don't think I really minded.  Perhaps it was an abandonment of everything I had ever trained for, but it was also the beginning of an entirely new kind of life.  The Moon never seemed to stand on ceremony, she didn't care for the traditional words and rituals and much preferred actual conversation to following the steps of the ancient dance of language that we had all since lost any meaning of.  I felt. . . Free, perhaps, for the first time since my childhood.  It was like the world was new for me again and I had never felt the pressure of traditions and memories not my own weighing down on me and deciding for me my future.  Around her, I was allowed to just be Taban, instead of the Blade.  

I wonder if this is how our people felt in the Time Before?  Were we all allowed to just say what was on our minds and do as we pleased?  Or do the traditions run deep enough that the Moon and I were forging something entirely new?  My memories didn't go back that far before they hit the blackness of the Corruption, so I couldn't say for sure.  I hoped it was true. If it was true, that would mean that what the two of us were doing here was simply a return to the way that things were supposed to be, rather than a violation of everything our people held sacred.

Sometimes. . . I wonder just how far back Her memories go, but I know that she'd much rather not go there.  Perhaps it is this distance from her Bonded that has allowed her to so easily cast aside the bonds of traditions. She always holds herself to be quite separate from Somna, so much so that she refuses to respond to her traditional royal name unless the Sun himself is angered enough to call her to it.  Though they see each other rarely outside of their dawn and twilight meetings, I can't help but notice that they do not seem overly fond of each other, even if they are consorts.

And there was another problem.  What if the Sun should find out that I held feelings for his Moon?  Surely I would be cast out of the castle, if not out of existence entirely.  What an affront, to desire something that rightfully belonged to the King.  Surely he would not suffer my soul to be returned to the Pool after execution - it wouldn't be the first time that someone had to be purged.  I could think of only a handful of times that were recorded in my Memory, but the affronts for which they had been cast out seemed minor in comparison to mine.  Perhaps the True Death would be too kind of a punishment for me.  

Of course, he would have to convince the Moon to allow him to do it, and she might at that.  Despite her kind actions and words, there was no way she could ever harbor feelings towards such as myself.  I know that.  I know who I am.  I have no real want for her to return my affections or even to acknowledge them.  I feel that I have violated things enough simply by having them, I would not want to drag her into this mess as well.  

But. . . Sometimes, for just a moment, I allow myself to imagine.  I think of how her face lights up when she greets me as the sun goes down and I imagine telling her how I feel.  She smiles at me and calls me by my true name and says, "Ahhh, Taban.  You always worry too much.  You've known all along that I have loved you too."  I imagine that she'll take my hand, laughing, and lead me down the hallway to her throne room as we begin the Night's Watch and for just a moment, I can pretend that nothing about my love for her could ever be wrong.