#it was specifically always barq's. if you care to know.

[tea-from-apush]

I don't think I ever said this before but my art history professor was always drinking root beer during class and it always made me want root beer

[phantalgia]

10/6/24 - It's just bothering me...all of it

I can't take it. Just all of it. Right now my physical health feels at ease once again. Must be going through another phase in my cycles. I always wonder if these cycles will finally be the end of the health issues. Maybe one day they will.

It seems like I have tri-weekly cycles at least. As well as daily ones and maybe even hourly ones. The tri-weekly ones seem to dictate the overall state of my body. The daily ones dictate when I have goof and bad days. The hourly ones dictate the extremes. Of course, physical and mental stress play a role regardless.

But what is bothering me tonight? Well, again isolation, loneliness. The search for that someone or some people. I’m still looking for the people I’m wanting to find. They arent there, ever. Why am I doing this. I spend so much time on vrchat searching and searching. On barq searching and searching. It's like I don’t try hard enough and expect it to fall on my lap. I don’t know.

I want someone to look at me like a person and smile and tell me "it's ok, we're in this together". I guess I’m picky. I will admit. I don’t know what my type is. And I’m talking about relationships specifically. Do I want someone who can take care of themselves and is stoic? Or do I want someone who is sensitive like me and wants to feel something deeper.

I still remember the love I felt with the "goat boy". I’m calling him that because that's all I remember him as. In this goat avatar in vrchat. Maybe I need to make a longer post about him because Ive been meaning to for a while. Should I do it now? It's not all I want to write about tonighy. But I guess why not?

Goat Boy

I remember how cute he actually looked in real life. He had very cute pictures of himself in a scarf. I was scared of seeing how he looked in real life. I think it's my internalized homophobia. I hate it...it makes me partly disgusted with my feelings.

Anyway, he was so precious. I remember getting lost with him. Our dreams, hopes, and plans. He didn't believe in love at first sight. But I changed his mind I guess. It took a few days to get to know each other first.

I remember we had so many similarities with each other that we soon became good friends at least. Which kicked off everything. He was very adorable making these cute noises...they might have been vocal stims. And calling everything cute "puppy". It was just too much for me.

I remember being able to at least get close to him...as best you could in vr. Phantom sense only goes so far. But it was very intimate and intentional. I felt his presense the best I could. Physically. And it was something else. Like I felt a connection back with my soul that maybe felt a little too uncomfortable and scary.

The most beautiful thing about him was how much life he had. How much desire a dreams he had. He was just waiting for that someone in his life who had the same drives as he did. I filled that role for a bit. He told me an idea no one has ever told me before.

"We Should Work On Our Goals Together!"

Of course! How could I have not thought of that! It was the most simple yet brilliant thing. In a world where people are so focused on themselves I needed that. Someone to work on similar goals together. But uhhh...I didn't know how to do it.

I really didn't and I was too scared to reach out. Truthfully, we never worked out the kinks and plans of it. But in retrospect I have some ideas. We can keep an archive of our own progress, get into calls, share resources, maintain a wiki or makeshift wiki. Allocate practice sessions where we just hung out with each other. The love we have for each other just making our drive stronger.

Love and support is a great motivator. And for me it seemed too good to be true. Ugh...I’m crying now as I’m reciting this. He really was one in a million of a million. I tore it apart. I don’t remember what I did. I just know I self sabatoged. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

He doesn't cry much. But...there came a day where he did. You see...this hit close to home because I was an assault victim too. He was assaulted by so called "friends". And...I was the first person he came to...crying. I held him...best you could in vr. I cant remember much of anything else. Just...I kept him close. I wanted him safe. I think part of me was flabbergasted by the whole thing or in a very conflicted state with how I saw myself with him.

This caused a problem. But, I cared. I still care. I don’t want him to forget me the way I don’t forget him. I...wish he'd come back. Ugh...again. Getting ahead of myself. I self sabatoged. I don’t remember what I did. But I felt like I don’t impact people's lives, don’t deserve friends, etc. so I removed a bunch of people and regretted it.

I tried to talk to him and tell him I was sorry for going away. But his anger...my God. There is nothing more horrifying than facing such a reality that you do have an impact on people. It's something I’m still unconvinced about to some extent. But when you get hit with that reality. It's horrifying.

I have seen and had many horrifying things happen lately. But this was the most terrifying. He wasn't angry in the traditional sense. It was like a mix of anger, disappointment, heartbreak, betrayal. I just...it's so much to think and feel in retrospect. It still haunts me...I mean of course it does. I’m still looking for him and if not him then "him". I long for what we had.

I long for the joy of life he had. Maybe I just wasnt ready for it like he was. I had to learn. Get beat up a bit. Snap out of it. The demons are still there. But I want to try again...but a little bit late for that.

I won’t forget the pain I caused. It hurts me so much to this day. It was like the unbelievable became believable and instead if embracing I rejected it. I hated myself. I still do. But things have changed. Perhaps I opened up more. I don’t know. I want him back...I want to cry with him and hold him.

It's like a teenage dream. Ive been so lonely and isolated my entire life. Here comes this person to challenge it. I just could not fucking accept it. And I’m sorry for that. If the pain and fear I feel today is my punishment for taking these things for granted. So be it. I'll take it with my head high the best I can. Because I’m sorry, I take responsibility. For what I did not just to him but to everyone I screwed over. My failures now. Everything.

I wish his dreams would come true. Maybe he has a loving boyfriend, following his own goals. Whatever it is. I hope he's content. He's on the right path. I hope he's become resiliant admist this. I’m sure of it.

Maybe I don’t want to talk about anything else...maybe that's it for tonight. It's just I’m still looking for him. Again, it doesn't have to literally be him. But. Someone like him. It's been years now. I need to accept he's not coming back. But I won’t. Every day I do the same thing. Trying to find him. I don’t remember his username at all otherwise I wouldn't be having this post. And it probably changed at this point. He's gone...a memory...a ghost of a lost future.

I think the worst thing about all this is I don’t remember his fucking name or username. I hate myself for that. I'll miss him so much. Forever...I'll miss everyone. I deserved this, but he nor anyone deserves the pain that I caused.

I hope I can at least mentally keep him safe. That me thinking about him will keep him safe. Even if it means nothing. I want my buddy to do our goals with together and be bigger than ourselves.

I don’t want to call you goat boy. But I have to. I love you goat boy. I'll miss you...I hope you’re doing well. I’m done for tonight. I’m crying enough as is.