#it was my homestuck mind one so it fucking better wash out

[du-hjarta-skulblaka]

Calm and gentle day at work rudely cut short by having literal shite smeared over my favourite hoodie

[sometipsygnostalgic]

I have a homestuck question (deepest apologies). I once read it for my ex gf in middle school (breakup unrealated she just moved) (mentioning this because I have heard of homestuck related breakups). I liked it. I never was in the fandom. But I hear everyone going homestuck fandom (derogatory) (cringe) (war flashbacks). My question is was it worse than the spop discourse?

The maybe 2 years of spop discourse, which amounts to "catradora bad", "entrapdak bad", and a little bit of "glimmer bad", is absolutely nothing compared to the 10 YEARS of whatever the fuck was going on in homestuck.

EDIT: this isn't a list of "things I think Hussie did wrong" (the majority of it was at worst questionable writing which isn't a sin), it's "things the fandom completely imploded under".

(Hussie HAS done many things wrong, particularly with Hiveswap and WhatPumpkin, but i have not mentioned most of that here)

Brace yourself......

IN UNIVERSE:

Actual slurs and questionable racism in the source content wherein people argued if it was OK or not

Author responds to criticism of this by basing an entire arc on the characters getting high on drugs and having caucasian skin, which is a trolling moment because they had "ambiguous" blank skin before and people argued if that meant the characters werent caucasian

Troll boob discourse

Vriska Serket bullying and eventually murdering a boy she herself crippled

Vriska x Terezi - this universe's CatrAdora, except if Adora forgave Catra before she had decided to stop being a terrible person. Vriska stops hurting Terezi personally but in really it's a SW situation of "shes manipulative of terezi's feelings and is not sorry at all".

Vriska x Meenah - A 13 year old + whatever many years dead person starts dating a 19 year old + whatever many years dead person. For maybe half a chapter before the younger ghost is left for her living 16-year old self. When the two ghosts made out Hussie declared it as.....

"A gay singilarity that will make KorraSami look like republican propoganda". Yeah. Hussie really said this about Homestuck. Before he split up that same pairing and made the alienating transphobic nightmarescape that was the epilogues and HS2.

Dave/Karkat - sincerely one of the better choices Hussie made, and yet, i have never seen anything so aggressively labelled as "gay pandering" by a cishet male fanbase. Best mlm ship i know unfortunately.

GamRezi - this is a canonically abusive pairing where Gamzee emotionally abuses Terezi at her most vulnerable to breaking point. Ends with Terezi trying to kill Gamzee, freaking out at her actions, and Gamzee beating her half to death in broad daylight, before they all die anyway. Why is this controversial? Because......

Gamzee brain washing - there is reason to believe that Gamzee was under a bit of mind control and a LOT of religious influence, so half the fan base treated him like a poor little meow meow, victim to Terezi and then Vriska's abuse, while the other half wanted his head on a stick for abusing/killing characters. Sound familiar?

The retcon - so yeah the story unwrote a whole 2-3 years worth of character progression because of time travel shenanigans and replaced it with a single clipshow flash and a bit of dialogue. People who enjoyed the previous felt bamboozled and copped out.

The End of Homestuck - Lots of talking, then suddenly everyone stops talking completely between the final battle and the ending. The final battle flash was a bit cool, but lacked the substance of other much shorter flashes. Then Act 7 is a 9 minute video of a tadpole making a universe, we didn't see the final bliw get delivered to Lord English, and also.....

Terezi wasn't in the new universe so I bawled my eyes out and made "Where the fuck is Terezi?" into a meme. By and large the most infuriating part because people jumped to the conclusion she killed herself. It's like the whole "PB is dead in Together Again" theory. Or if in She-Ra, a very lonely and fan-favourite character like Entrapta had just vanished after Prime was dragging her over a cliff and was cast out of those much-needed ending reunions. Anyway, Terezi wanted to be with Vriska, who may have died in act 7. So yeah this weird omission became a problem for 6 months before....

The credits. Ok these were mostly OK but it confirmed John was getting depressed, and Terezi threw happiness away and went into space all by herself to find Vriska who was still MIA. This was where HS ended until....

The Epilogues. The Epilogues and HS2 are the biggest shitstorm of content I have seen in my life. And that alone has had enough discourse to make the prior 10 years of Homestuck look like a friendly conversation.

That's just IN UNIVERSE. You want to hear the CREATOR discourse? Try opening that rabbit hole!

Just look at Sarah Z's video, "Homestuck Tried To Sue Me And Then It Got Worse", to see what sort of creator Andrew Hussie has become.

https://youtu.be/gsM9bQvpt_c

[tropicalgoon]

Spoilers for the Homestuck Epilogue below.

First things first, i had caught up reading Homestuck on the exact day the Gigapause started (10/16/13). So long pauses and people arguing about canon was pretty common. Then the comic ended but later we got snapchats. Once the snapchats started coming people were unsure how ‘canon’ the snapchats were. Also    

i was surprised with how fast the rest of the Epilogue came out. I figured it would have been drip fed like the comic was but reading it now i can see why that was not the case. If you haven't read the Epilogue i have one thing to say.

PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE CONTENT WARNINGS THEY ARE NOT JOKES.

With that out the way, i think the biggest shift in the Epilogue vs the actual comic is that everything is way more mature. While Homestuck was full of angsty, snarky teens and a lot of jokes, ironic and not, the Epilogue overall has a more somber, powerless mood to it.

Also one more thing, i do not have a fav character or ship. So that might be why im upset about how it is.

Now i read the Candy choice first so ill talk about that. Now as soon as i saw the juju i knew it was going to have an effect. And i was right, the juju makes people feel okay with their surroundings and so when John ate it he felt at ease with the chaos his life and friends were becoming. But hoo boy did everyone suck all around. 

i knew Gamzee was gonna be back and i was not wrong. i think the whole iVe bEeN GeTtIn mY MoThErFuCkIn rEdEmPtIoN On sO EvErYtHiN I Do iS GoOd was a funny bit but maaaaaan did it get a lil crazy. Jake has always been a doormat and easily manipulated. So nothing too new there but it was nice when he ran off with lil tavros. Also i guess hes the earth c equivalent to a kardashian.

 It really surprised me how fast Roxy got together with John. In fact the Candy Roxy is way different than the meat Roxy. i guess thats the juju at work. Rose was sick with an “illness” but soon after the candy was ate she got “better”. What actually happened was she stopped trying to open her mind to the infinite degree and just let herself live in the moment and be truly happy. It was nice to see her and Kanaya have a happy life, at least until everything went bad. As for Dirk i felt bad for him because he always had that whole meta textual self importance thing going on so when he offed himself i was like oh no. Its nice that him and Dave had bro-sesions.

And now time to talk about Jade, Dave, and Karkat. It feels like Dave and Karkat have mostly stayed the same with a few big differences.1) they both are a little less insufferable, 2) Karkat has accepted he is a leader and 3) their tip toeing around relationships was kinda annoying. Which brings me to Jade. She was butting into all three of their relationships trying to force them to admit feelings. While ive seen some people say Hussie killed Jade i personally dont think so. Jade was always a headstrong, stubborn person who would go after what she wanted and i mean she was on an island by herself for most of her life if she wants to have fun let her. 

Jane really went off the deep end. Which i dont think was so far off her canon personality in the comic. Her denying being xenophobic while being incredibly xenophobic was funny but also pretty real. While i didnt like they way she interacted with Jake it honestly fits in with what happens in the comic. (the trickster stuff, the crockercorp kidnapping). Her whole shadowy rise to hidden power was inevitable also i feel like she was really echoing the Condense on earth. Allowing Gamzee to spread his faith while funneling her wealth and fame into passing the policies and laws she wants. I do not think its out of character for her and Dirk to hate trolls since their lives were so affected by them. 

Johns depression clouding his judgement and making him not want to react was sad to read. It really felt like he was just drifting around, letting all of the situations and chaos just wash over him. So when he was talking to Terezi and she helped him make sense of things it was a nice turn of pace.

Speaking of Terezi, its sad how long she went chasing after (Vriska). As of this moment i dont really think the quadrant system is really in place anymore (at least relationships with humans in it). With John and Terezi talking to each other it really felt like blackrom.  “1F 1 W3R3 3V3R TO DO BL4CKROM 4G41N, 1T WOULD H4V3 TO B3 LOW K3Y”. It is sad her obsession with finding (Vriska) led to her dying in the void.

Seeing Aradia and Sollux was a surprise but they really didnt add much to anything (esp. Sollux). It was kinda funny how much of a dickhead Cade (Calliope Jade) was towards her. Cade was interesting. i really feel like she acts like she did in the comic. 

(Vriska) returning was also not a surprise. She THE most known character. Of course she would be back, but not by her own accord. She wants the spotlight, she HAS to have it. Now that she is trapped on earth c she is now out of canon and so she is out of the spotlight. Thats why she was wailing about needing to SEE it. I think its kinda funny she ends up having a quick fling with Gamzee, and he tries to sell her on his redemption arc bullshit. It really shows how far her obsession has let her fall.

And now its time for meat. Honestly im glad i read candy first because meat was really nice to read after candy. As i said with candy, i figured meat would be the more active of the two (duality like the cherubs). 

First off it was really nice to see how much Dave believes in Karkat and how he thinks Karkat would be leader earth c NEEDS. In Meat they still have their relationship drama with themselves and Jade. I really feel like shes slightly more direct in this one. After the blowup 

John dealing with Roses instructions, finding and bringing together the younger versions of themselves so they could go fight a younger Caliborn and getting sucked into the the house juju was not a surprise since its been theorized thats what would happen. Of course Rose did not warn him, or even tell him what to do. Even when the younger versions of Johns friends die and get hurt he still tries to save them. 

Jake is a very powerful figure in the new earth, he doesnt even realize it. Which leads to everyone trying to get him on their sides. I honestly feel like this is partly his page powers (but then again the classes and aspects dont mean all that much) but he has always been unconfrontational and a doormat. Dirk, Jane, Dave, and Karkat only want to use him for his ass and fame so they can further their agendas. 

i think its rather fitting that (Vriska) doesnt get to see how the battle against Lord English ended. It was GREAT to see Davepetasprite^2 make a comeback and fight Lord English. She KNOWS the final battle isnt her battle but she is still THE ONE who turns the tide. She’s the one who has brought the winning piece so its still a victory of hers by proxy. Also she does not have the talk with Vriska (rose and kanayas kid) on a clown throw pillow so she does not get to do the self reflection she needs. Instead she gets sucked into a black hole.

The Jane and Dirk combo was not surprising, they both had the hangups about Jake and i feel like it ended the same way. Once they got what they wanted it was no longer exciting, or mysterious. But reading the political sabotage and Dirks plans coming together made me realize he was using her for his own gains too. 

Now the whole Rose dying because her physical body couldn't contain the infiniteness of infinity was truly heartbreaking. Especially when Dirk was fucking with Kanaya. i do not know how much of Rose was being manipulated by Dirk and how much was her wanting to end her chronic suffering(2real4me). Addressing all of the....implications around those two. i really do not think they ran off to be together. i believe Rose is the first person Dirk has really connected with on a actual personal level. From what ive seen he does not really treat people as well... people. I think him and Rose are feeling the, “i am the only real person here and everyone else is a puppet” feeling John and Terezi was talking about. But unlike John, Dirk was never one to sit idly by, hes a mechanic after all. All the pieces have to be in place.

The whole bit with Cade and dirk taking control of the narrative was something i feel like has been building up for a long while. The unreliable narrator has been established a few times in the comic, in friendsim, and now in the epilogue. But it does raise a good question about who has been narrating the story and can they be trusted to give us the truth. We saw Dirk acknowledge that he is not unbiased and says things as he sees it. Cade says shes unbiased and just gives the whole truth but all i can think about is how she made Jane carefully cradle the juju and put it on the mantle. Watching Dirk outsmart Cade was defiently exciting to read. I cannot wait to see where all of this is leading to. 

Do i think thats the end of both of Davepetasprite^2 and Lord English? No, as the comic has always said,” Don’t turn your back on the body.” We dont know where they ended up but we’ll just have to wait for more to come out and i cant wait. Does Rose, Dirk, and Terezi (i guess) have an agenda, yes. Do i have any goddamn idea what that is? Nope, and im fine with that. Overall i enjoyed both of them.

[nora-reads-homestuck]

Nora Reads HS Part 67

Pages 6094-6153

Heya, guys. I’m working on some hectic personal projects at the moment that are eating up a lot of my free time, but I’m on a staycation today and have decided to devote it to Homestuck! So, last time we got a closer look at young Mom, a.k.a. LittleLonde, and learned that Bro’s auto responder isn’t just a glorified answering machine, but a shades-dwelling AI with a level of intelligence seemingly on par with a human’s. We were also treated to the hilarious revelation that LittleLonde’s chat style is more like Dave’s than Rose’s, and Bro’s (or at least the responder’s) style is more like Rose’s than Dave’s. Will the two of them share other similarities with their opposing ectobiological offspring? Will Bro like knitting, in addition to making weird robots, and LittleLonde enjoy laying down some choice rhymes? And what on earth is the Condesce up to?

Let’s find out!

*click*

Jake: Exit.

...Aaaaaand it’s another character select screen! And I still can’t click on LittleLonde or Bro, rrghh. I guess I’ll click on Jane first, as much as I want to know more about Jake’s merciless stalkerbot.

But if you've been her already, there's really no point to this thing anymore. Time to move on.

...Oh. Wow dang, I’m dumb. OK THEN, MOVING ON.

Michael Cera??? Is this because of that poster in John’s house that kind of looked like... Hussie, you beautiful motherfucker. On the other side of the hall, we’ve got a Bing Crosby instead of a harlequin. So this is what the Crockbert decor looks like without the influence of Gamzee’s chucklevoodoos.

You are suddenly Jane again. Or, you suddenly keep being Jane. Who can say for sure???

Maybe next time I’ll be paying enough attention that I don’t keep cycling back through the same character select pages. :|a

Hopefully your dad is still out back washing the car. Ideally this is one of his legendary infinite car washes. What can you say? Dad fancies his automotive ablutions.

Both Dad’s and adult!Dave’s water bills must be outrageous. Luckily they’ve probably got assloads of money to cover it.

...Wait a sec, since Jane’s dad is alive, why isn’t HE the heir to Crockercorp?? Unless it can only pass down to females, who have to take up the mantle of Betty Crocker?

You slip the HALLWAY CERA a furtive wink for good luck.

Ahahaha.

Just one of your dad's bland HALLWAY DOUCHEBAGS.

FUCK I JUST SPIT WATER EVERYWHERE

Another example of his cornball dad tastes, which make you roll your eyes and shrug. Still, it's preferable to how it used to be. Years ago he would work really hard to mimic your interests throughout the household. Gaudy paintings of sitcom legends covering the walls, hideous detective figurines littered everywhere. You think it's better that he embrace his own interests rather than try to pander to yours.

Huh, that’s interesting. Could it also have been the case with Rose’s mom that she was trying to connect with her through sharing the same interests? Or is this simply meant to tell us that Dad is so much of a non-person that he automatically reflects the interests of whatever kid he’s got under his roof?

It felt a bit forced, and your early teen years were filled with daily rounds of familial STRIFE. Not so much anymore. Now whenever there is a father-daughter disagreement, you settle things in an adult fashion by being honest about your feelings and talking it through,

Ah, good! Hopefully this means LittleLonde and Bro will have less enmity toward their guardians than Rose and Dave.

and also by sneaking around the house in silly disguises.

Pfffff.

Jane: Take a peek into living room.

JOOOHN, NOOOOOOOOOO, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIIIIIIIIE???

Ahem. Who’s that douchebag in the pork pie hat on the left? Fred Astaire maybe?

There's a familiar face. A friendly face. Old poppop Crocker, smiling from beyond. Your dad sure misses him. He doesn't like to talk about the day he died. Some incident involving a tall bookshelf, a ladder, and a mysterious young woman in a suspicious looking hat. You have often fantasized about putting on your dirty old fedora and your Frenchest looking mustache to go tracking down this felonious broad and bring her to justice. But your dad always says best to let sleeping dogs lie.

Oh jeez. What will she do when she realizes the felonious broad is none other than herself?? >:O

There's some other plucky looking tool there next to him. Dunno who that guy is.

Yeah, I can’t really tell.

I WARNED YOU ABOUT ASTAIRES, BRO.

You were afraid this might be the case. Your dad has blocked the front door with the REFRIGERATOR. Looks like he's taking the grounding seriously this time.

Holy shit, Dad, overboard much. How the heck is LittleLonde supposed to put the cruxtruder there if the fridge is in the way??

You aren't about to go smashing glass and making a ruckus though. You'll need a solution involving more stealth. You guess you have a plan in mind as a last resort, but you'd rather it not come to that.

> Jane: Consult with poppop.

...Um??? What is an urn of ashes supposed to do, other than get toppled at the most hilarious and inopportune moment?

OH GOD OH NO, OH NOOOOOOOOOOO. So apparently Dad’s taken a page out of Jade/Grandpa’s book and had John stuffed. What do you want to bet he stipulated in his will that if he were preserved, his descendants had to do hilarious things with the corpse?

...Also, if he died the same fiery, explosive death Nanna did, how is there enough left of him to stuff?

It practically went without saying your dad keeps poppop stuffed and mounted in front of the fireplace, as is the family tradition. Poppop grew up with his legendary humorist grandfather stuffed in front of the fireplace, and so did his grandfather. This was stipulated firmly in the will, at the end of a long list of joke stipulations. (Dad knew this was a real stipulation though.)

Ahahaha, almost right on the money. So John lived with a stuffed Colonel Sassacre, but who did Colonel Sassacre have stuffed in front of his fireplace?

You always did find it a little macabre though, trying to watch tv and eat dinner on the couch with a dead old man standing about five feet away. You'd honestly prefer he not be kept here in the living room. Sometimes you tell dad you really want poppop in the attic. He says the mere fact you call it that tells him you're not ready.

The mere fact that she calls what what? That she calls the attic an attic? What else is she supposed to call it; the super-hive storage compartment??

What's that, poppop? It seems he's concerned that you may not be properly equipped. You prove to him that you indeed had no intention of leaving the house without your trusty joke book.

Oh wow. So if I’ve got the timeline right (and I’m not overly sure that I do), the Sassacre’s John is holding is the same one that actually went through the game with him, and not just the one that got sent down on the meteor with him. The meteor Sassacre’s was much cleaner and wasn’t yet covered in oil.

Hah, fun call back!

YES, I am going out with this book! No, I will not go get an unabridged copy! No, I will not take yours! I can hardly even lift it! Oh, that is so preposterous. Do you even hear what you're saying? I will be fine! This is a perfectly funny book and it contains many incredibly funny jokes! Oh, will you just stop it. I am going now. Good day!!! >:B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With a passive-aggressive smiley to top it off. >:B

OH DEAR GOD.

You just remembered something your alien friend said about the big old book downstairs, and trusting words written by your own hand.

My god, that thing looks like shit. How many trips has the poor book taken by now? How is it not falling apart??

Uh, whoops. Sorry, poppop.

Yeah, “”whoops””.

> Jane: Retrieve arm.

This may be the very first time this command was actually 100% literal, and it’s beautiful.

Looks like it got used to wipe an ogre’s ass.

Is your friend suggesting that you were the one who wrote this inscription? You find that idea a bit hard to swallow. Still, your friends are always babbling about time travel...

Friends, plural? Just how much do Bro and LittleLonde know about the game??

You always thought this inscription was written to your poppop by his nanna, who was your great great grandmother, founder of the corporation you'll inherit in a few years.

Hah, that’s a laugh.

In any case, this message to poppop from his sweet old nanna is the best evidence you have to dispute all this evil batterwitch nonsense. She clearly cared for her grandson very much, and would never start a company responsible for the things it's accused of, let alone be alive today to perpetrate them. But then, what if she wasn't the one who wrote it? This thought makes you very nervous.

What if, indeed? Oh lawd, is she going to have one of those heroic BSOD moments John is prone to at the slightest revelation?

You suddenly remember your dream. What did it mean? You should talk to Jake about all this.

YES. YES, GOOD. *rubs hands together furiously*

Oh god, they’re both gonna get brainjacked, aren’t they.

GG: J, how goes the bunnyquest?

No need to be coy, Harley Quinn, we already know his name!

GG: What is it that has you hamstrung? Did you ever track down the slippery Mr. Strider?

And now I’m picturing young Bro slathered in Crisco. Great.

GT: Not exactly. GT: His stupid doppelglasses have set me on a wild goose chase to go pry his dumb robots chest open and swipe its uranium. GG: Sounds dangerous! GT: No shit. GT: I think id rather deal with the monsters.

With... the... what now?? I don’t remember the island having anything living on it besides Jade and Bec. ...We haven’t seen Bec, I presume, because he’s not the First Guardian anymore. So who raised him after Jade died??

GG: Why is it that our two best friends in the world always seem to place themselves at the source of all our problems, while simultaneously presenting their only solutions?

The M.O. of many a movie villain, just waiting in the wings with their million-dollar wonder drug or superhero-killing ammunition. Hmmm...

GG: I'm debating whether or not to enlist his help in the matter of my current imprisonment. But I'd rather keep it as a plan of last resort. GT: Dont do it jane its a trap!!!

Two questions here: how is Bro going to help, and how/why would it be a trap?

GG: Right. Well, not to keep you too long, since we both still have our missions ahead of us, but I wanted to tell you about that dream I had. GT: Oh yeah! GT: I was curious about that. Tell me everything and make it snappy!

I guess the ‘shitknickers’ is implied. Is she going to start her story with “It seems”?

GG: Ok, but, I should say that the nature of the dream was a bit worrisome. GG: And I'm concerned it may have implications for the game we're about to play. GG: So it's probably best that I tell you about it before you leave.

Oh jeez. What exactly did she see?

D’aww, how cute! I love the Prospit dreamers’ dresses.

GG: I woke up on the planet which we have been told about by our mutual acquaintance. GG: The one covered in golden cities. Prospit, remember? GT: Oh. Wouldnt it be prospits moon? GG: Yes, you're right. It was the moon, actually. I could see the planet on the dark horizon.

Wow, not only do LittleLonde, Bro, and mystery!troll know more than they should, but even Jane and Jake are familiar with the game’s constructs.

GG: Are you sure you haven't woken up there before? GT: Haha i WISH. GT: I have received reports from jade about this as well. She liked to talk about her dreams on prospits moon a lot. GG: I see. The impression I have developed is that this is supposed to be a real place, and all who dream there have shared experiences. GG: Did Jade ever mention seeing us there? GT: No but why would she? This was long before we were born! She was dreaming there like a hundred years ago or something.

Are you sure?

GASP! Those Prospitians are all naked!! Is that what they look like before prototyping occurs?

GG: I explored the moon, and began to notice people gathering in the streets. GG: But they weren't human. They were funny looking, perfectly white creatures. GT: Yeah those are prospitians. GT: They have these hard carapace shells and also have something to do with chess i think?

Well at least we don’t have to endure everything getting explained in excruciating detail all over again.

...WAIT DON’T FUCKING TELL ME MYSTERY!TROLL IS GOING TO GIVE ANOTHER SPIEL ON TROLL ROMANCE.

GG: Well, I don't know if they had much to do with chess here. GG: The more closely I observed, the more they appeared somewhat despondent. GT: Like... GT: Sad? GG: Yes. GG: I determined they were in mourning, actually.

Oh, shit. There’s only three people I can think of that they might have been mourning, and none of them is a good person to have die before the game even fucking starts.

GT: Hey. GT: Jane you said i was in this dream. Where do i come in? GG: Shoosh! I'm getting there.

OH FUCK.

Ah okay, so they are wearing clothes, just boring monochromatic ones.

GG: More and more Prospitians were filing out of the buildings every moment. GG: They all began to form a single, major procession. GG: When I got closer, I could see that some were in tears. GG: I realized this was a funeral.

If it’s not for the White King or Queen, then...

GG: I heard whispers, but couldn't make out what they were saying, so I got closer. GG: They were all saying the same thing, over and over.

All work and no play makes... Jack... an omnipotent god dog?

GG: "The Page is dead." GG: "Our hope is lost."

OH NOOOOOOO! How the heck is he ever going to go god tier?? :’(

GT: The page? GT: Whos that?

It’s you, Jake. :’( :’( :’(

GG: Jake. GG: The Page was you.

A beautiful image, and somber words, made only slightly more humorous by the fact that they echo Toby Fox’s illicit masterpiece.

GT: Oh. GT: Drat.

About as expressive as Dave’s ‘welp’.

GT: Are you sure?

Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure?

GG: Yes, I saw your body lying in a sort of coffin, on a bed of flowers. You were dead as a doornail.

If he were actually named Jake (Jacob) Harley, that would have been quite clever. Ah well, near miss.

GG: Everyone was so distraught! GG: Including me. :(

Awww. Either they’re totally destined for each other, or... well, we’ll see. I ship it, I guess.

GG: I hope I'm not too late to "warn" you, though to be frank I don't have the foggiest clue what it is I'm warning you about. GG: "Dear Jake, oh please do try not to... have already... died in my dream? Likely while you were sleeping, perhaps peacefully?"

Yeah, you’re a little late on that one. Unless we missed something about this all being in one of Skaia’s dream clouds... in which case it would inevitably happen anyway. Gosh, this is bad!! We know there’s an alternate way to get to the god tiers in the form of the quest slabs at the center of Prospit/Derse, but the few times we saw that in action, it was the players’ dream selves that died on them.

...Come to think of it, why not use the quest slab for a funeral bier instead of the coffin? It might have made for a far more interesting and, uh, lively funeral.

GT: And um same goes for you about being careful what with these various rogues accosting you with foul play lately and whatnot...

Rogue... player class? Eh, could be reaching.

GG: Now let's get this silly old adventure off to the races before the coat of dust it's growing gets any thicker.

Coat of dust? A coat antithetical to Lord English’s technicolor dreamcoat?

> Jake: Get silly old adventure off to the races.

And it looks like we’re Jake again!

He’s wearing cleats? How fucking dorky. Now PLEASE don’t fake us out the second he steps outside, unless it’s to show us LittleLonde or Bro. I could live with that.

Ok, something REALLY weird is going on here, and I don’t just mean the pumpkins. That doesn’t look like Jade’s house as I’m used to seeing it. It looks like... the arm that connects the bedroom to the main body of the house broke off? What’s the deal??

SHIT, I was right. And not only are there a metric fuckton of pumpkin vines, but also... a whole forest? I don’t remember seeing a single tree on Jade’s island. So things post-Scratch are different, in ways that aren’t yet quite clear. What was the catalyst for change?

Although these pumpkin vines are amazingly prolific, every morning when you leave your bedroom, you'd swear half the pumpkins vanished over night. It's probably just the FAUNA eating them. Not that it matters, because they keep growing right back.

Are these ‘fauna’ the monsters he was talking about with Jane? Did Jade have a whole safari imported or something?

It wasn't always overgrown like this. When you first discovered the TRANSMATERIALIZER, you started messing around with it haphazardly. You kept appearifying pumpkins from somewhere.

OH MY FUCKING GOD IT WAS JAKE ALL ALONG. And Jade never knew, did she?? That’s fucking priceless.

It was just pumpkin after pumpkin, until one time a copy of the bunny you inherited from grandma showed up, much less old and tattered of course.

Aha, so that’s how their communication started! And presumably also how he had two versions of the bunny, one to give to John, and the other to send to Jane. One question down, 99 million to go.

You brought all the surplus pumpkins home and left them lying about. Then the seeds sprouted and started growing out of control. You guess that's what happens when you introduce nonindigenous FLORA into the wilderness.

Ok but pumpkins don’t grow on trees, so that still doesn’t explain the forWHOA WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT IN THE BACKGROUND??

“”FAUNA””?????

KARKAT’S LUSUS???????

HOW THE FUCK

DID THAT EVEN GET THERE, I DON’T KNOW

> Jake: Be completely oblivious to thing in background.

Hah, that almost sounds like a user submitted request.

You successfully fail to notice it.

Pfffahahaha.

Wait notice what? You don't even know what we're talking about here. But it doesn't matter for now because suddenly a wild chum assails you with banter!!!

Woo, more LittleLonde!! Yes, yes, I am ok with this.

Oh my god, it IS Karkat’s lusus, except horrifyingly even bigger. And it looks like it’s got it out for Jake...

TG: holy shit jaaaje TG: lol *k

Jaje. Yes. Totally should have been his name.

GT: Howdy! GT: What is all this commotion about? TG: nothin TG: just your basic run o the mill holy shit TG: and also TG: hi

OH MY FUCKING GOD SHE’S ADORABLE. I haven’t even known her that long, but she’s quickly rocketing up my favorites list. I’ll have to do a recap of the list when I’m done with this Act Act.

TG: also TG: want 2 know TG: what do you want for ur wigglin day

Awww, that’s cute too. Did she pick up that term from mystery!troll?

GT: Im not really abreast of the raddest jargon that the cool kids toss about these days. GT: Maybe because i live alone on an island? I dont know but in any case are you referring to my upcoming birthday? TG: ys GT: I see. Very thoughtful of you to consider so early! GT: I dont wager i could advise with much specificity but i can all but assure you i will find any gesture of yours to be totally capital! TG: eeaauuuuurghh you are so fuckin adorable

NO U.

GT: Um... *wrings at kerchief with perspiring mitts* TG: YOINK nabs kerfief an stops RPing for rest of chat

Ahahaha, shut the fuck down.

TG: i wouldnt get the chance TG: unless we play this game like a bunch ofsuckers obviously

*[S] Cascade flashbacks*

TG: if you want 2 know what i think.......... GT: Yes? TG: do ya? GT: I do want to know what you think! GT: I always want to know. Because you are always smart and sassy.

Truth.

TG: i really dont think we should GT: Should what now? TG: play the game GT: Why not? TG: the barnoness wants us to TG: * baroness TG: i dont know why TG: everything i know about it says it should be a good game and real important and itll let us all get togehter and do somethin great and be besf friends for maybe eternity? TG: but she took all that and twisted it somehow

On the one hand, I know that they really do have to play for the story to go anywhere, but on the other, if the drunken Cassandra gets a bad feeling about it, you know shit’s gonna go wrong.

TG: all i know is shes banking on us doing this and if she needs us to do this than its got to be to make somethin fucking hoorible happen TG: * horbible TG: * whore bible TG: ^ bullseye

PLEASE CAN I JUST MARRY HER???

GT: Well... GT: Whore bibles notwithstanding i have it on terrific authority that playing this game will be incredibly important! GT: So perhaps youre right maybe we are part of her evil plan? But does that also necessarily rule out that good will come of it? TG: i guess not TG: i just have a bad feelin

...Aaaand she said the words, so it’s pretty much guaranteed. But Jake’s not wrong, in any case; some good will come out of it by the end. I hope.

TG: maybay im just like this nutty ass bitsh twirling yarn from a shitwizards nappy brown beard but i cant bring myself to trust a cake sellin genocidal alien overlard sea queen TG: * overl... TG: n/m that santence chx out GT: Agreed. :D

ALRIGHT, that’s it, I’m setting a date. You’re all invited to our wedding this upcoming 4/13.

TG: so what is the itinerary again GT: Intinerwhosit? TG: regarding the game TG: whosplaying in what order etc GT: Oh. Is there such an itinerary? TG: yeah i think so i think its going like TG: i start with jane and bring her in the session TG: then ds brings me in and you bring him in and them jane does you and closes the loop

That makes sense, although if we go the way of the pre-Scratch session, “”DS”” will be serving more than one player. Ugh, ENOUGH with this initial shit, JUST GIVE ME THE D!!!

...Ahem.

GT: Where are you getting this intel? Did you guys make a plan or something? TG: nah dont wory about it

From mystery!troll, I guess. Though for all her talk of causal spoilers, she sure has imparted just about everything ‘nonessential’ down to the finest detail.

GT: Ooh, these illicit hacked warez which i heartell were recently jimmied piping hot off the interclouds? TG: ahahah i love that you were barely even joking with that statement bup yeah basically GT: The silicon pickpocket strikes again!!! Whom is the wiser? Nobody. TG: ffffffffff <3 

FUCK I love these kids. Almost makes it acceptable that I’m probably not going to see the original human kids for a while yet.

TG: k ill send it but GT: Yeah? TG: jake GT: What? TG: jjjjjaaake GT: !!!!!? TG: youre wearin one of ur dumb computers now arent you GT: Uh... TG: you are all thinktyping at me right now while wearing something rudiculous TG: * RUDEdiculous (hi five 2 self) GT: Hogswallop! Why would you even think that? GT: Thats so stupid.

Eeeeee, call back! Also, is it totally pathetic of me that I fucking teared up laughing rereading John and Rose’s banter? I LOVE ALL THESE KIDS SO MUCH.

W’uh oh. I’d bet that’s not just a friendly tap on the shoulder inbound.

TG: im not letting either of you run this file on your shitty brainwashy propaganda helmets or anything else u got to wear to run TG: tis my one condition

YES, AND A GOOD AND REASONABLE ONE, TOO. Listen to the drunk, Jake!!

GT: Then you have decided to play in spite of your reservations? TG: i dunno i guess GT: Bravo! TG: dont all bravo @ me man youre just bravoing a big ass shrug TG: i mean maybe TG: i have every reason to want to play it TG: im actually dying to play it ok

Well fuck, I hope that’s not foreshadowing. Of course, the chances of that being true are like, infinitesimal.

TG: ahh CHRIST waht a geneltman TG: *fixfix

Huh, this must be awful to read for dyslexics.

TG: but thats the thing with you TG: you belvieve in people and also the things they tell you TG: jane never believed my crap TG: never any of my warnings about the baroness TG: didnt believe any of the stuff about my mom TG: and so on and so on and soon

Makes sense, since he’s a Page of Hope!

TG: til after awhile i just stopped even trying to convince her hard or bring up any crazy shit TG: because u know doing a lot of songs and dances to convince somebody who thinks youre jush shitting them all the time kind of wears on a friendship TG: and who even needs that

Awww, that’s actually super sad. I know how frustrating it is when you need somebody to believe you, and they don’t, or they refuse. It’s pretty terrible.

TG: but you believe in stuff TG: probbly because the more crazy fake shit you believe in the more open the world gets and the more chance there is for adventures being real right GT: Right o! If a man believes hard enough in imaginary things then i dare say that makes them slightly less fake!

The power of a Page of Hope, I presume? I wonder if we’ll see this in action! It could have some great applications in-game.

TG: its one of those things jane likes about u so much GT: It is? TG: which TG: errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr im not supposed to talk about 2 u evr so nm GT: Talk about what? TG: nope GT: You mean how um... GT: Well a way in which i suppose... TG: no nope GT: Jane is prone to looking upon me with what i fathom to be more than just friendly affection?

OH NOOOOOO. Cat’s out of the bag, I guess! How will he react? Did he already have an inkling, or is this a surprise? And does he like Jane baaaaack?

TG: nope nope nope nope nope nope TG: hey look who didnt say nothin about that why it is this silly fuckin drunk girl over here

YOU’RE NOT HELPING YOUR CASE, LITTLELONDE.

GT: Its a tricky issue. And you know i adore jane and please dont think i havent given some thought to... GT: Well that angle on our relationship i guess.

Oh jeez, I’m sensing a ‘but’.

GT: Oh. Yeah i can see the dilemma this causes for your friendship with her. GT: Ill drop it. TG: whew TG: ok ont this topic TG: i am now an forever TG: miss zupperlips TG: * zupperlups TG: * ziperlups TG: sjkhfskjf TG: * MISS ZUIPPERPIPS TG: fuck TG: k this is me 4 futref TG: ZIIIIIIIP TG: ^+++++++^

I, NORA, DO THEE WED, ET CETERA ET CETERA

...Shit I don’t even know her name.

GT: Haha oh my. GT: Nothing is escaping that lovely ladys whistlemaker! Its shut tight as a drum!! TG: mmmmrrmmmnnmmm GT: Whoa wait i hope that didnt sound dirty...

Well it didn’t until you said something, JAKE.

GT: If in the future i would like to bring up certain topics completely unsolicited by one who may be sworn to secrecy on those very matters... GT: And im in need of i guess neutral and totally non compromising advice from a friend do you think that miss zuipperpips might unseal those scandalous metal choppers for a bit? GT: Fuck that also sounded kinda dirty!!! God dammit. TG: rm TG: unzip yeah of course TG: im totals your bee eff effsy jake TG: i am like TG: AT PEACE with that reality fromerly known as a raw fuckin deal for what avenues it closes betewen u and i that bein your bffsy has got to mean but yeah

GT: Wait what? TG: i am just chill as fuck about being a pale friend to all varieties of cute and eligible as hell peeps TG: do you see my shoulder and how it says hey friend plz deposit tears here? TG: that is a LEGIT invite and is like sincere as fuckin BANANAS

Ok so I’m laughing at this, but at the same time, that’s another troll concept she has no business knowing about. Damn, I wonder how the story would have gone if the original four kids had been as friendly with the trolls as these kids are. Would have saved a ton of time, I bet.

GT: Oh. Im sure it is but i dunno how much crying im going to be doing... GT: Probably none i think.

Pfffahaha.

TG: up to his neck in TG: all the wopes TG: * woes GT: Nah its cool. TG: speaking of which TG: i heard hes making u track down his roboself TG: to kill it or something for uranimum

So... she used ‘speaking of which’ to bridge a conversation about people liking Jake to talking about Bro without even mentioning him by name. I guess that means everybody really DOES want the English booty.

GT: Sigh... TG: and TG: the AR disabled the novice setting??? GT: Yes. TG: hahahahahahhahahahshshshjsjsj TG: *hahaha TG: u r so fucked

I know it’s getting redundant, but AHAHA I LOVE HER.

GT: I was actually just getting all of my final affairs in order when you messaged me. GT: I was to bequeath to you all my WAB posters. TG: wab wut GT: Weekend at bernies dammit!!!!!! TG: oh fuck yeay TG: im always in need of something to put under my cats shit box

HEEEEEEEEE.

TG: ok tell you what TG: as an early wigglin day thing u know what ill do GT: I still dont really get the wiggling thing but no what? TG: ill enable the brobots novice setting again for you GT: Wow... GT: Thanks i think???

How the heck is she going to do that? Convince the auto responder? Or is she really as technically inclined as she jokes about being?

Look, LOOK, IT’S EVEN GRUMBLING IN KARKAT GRAY.

It is time to get DEAD SERIOUS about hunting down a robot that looks exactly like your best friend, destroy it with your guns somehow, and steal its uranimum.

Well, it’s a little disturbing when you put it like that. Somehow I didn’t realize that the robot actually really looks like Bro...?

You totally forgot about the FRIGHTENING FAUNA on this island, and its regrettable REALNESS ATTRIBUTE.

OH M YGOD, HIS FUCKING BEDSHEETS. I HAD THE CLUE RIGHT THERE AND I MISSED IT.

> Jake: Turn around.

I smell another psyche or a character select screen...

WHOA OR NOT. WOW THAT THING IS HUGE.

> [S??????] ==>

Hmm, that’s new. *click*

...Eh? It’s just a static gif page. Is this a call back to Karkat not having an actual strife flash?

You leap into the tropical island fray in an attempt to violently pacify the gigantic Earth crabdad.

CRABDAD. CANON. And it’s not even that far out of the realm of reason for a non-troll to call it that, like how weirdo Yankees call crawfish ‘crawdads’. Also, that’s NOT the correct method for shoosh-papping, Jake.

What is he even doing here? The question doesn't even occur to you. The island has been crawling with these things for as long as you can remember.

HMMM. So... LittleLonde is spouting troll slang, and Jake’s island has Alternian lususes (lusii?) all over it. HIC is pretty much fucking guaranteed to be Earth’s new First Guardian.

You glance at the crudely rendered battle, direct your browser to the HOMESTUCK BANDCAMP PAGE, and browse for suitable battle music. Oh god, there are so many songs. Which one would be a good fit for this duel? Wait, yes, there's one. That's perfect. You hit play, close your eyes, and become lost in visions of gnashing crustacean carapace, smoking M9 casings, and Jake doing that thing where he flies through the air shooting two guns at once. Yes, so awesome.

Ahahaha, totally a call back. I’m not clicking that link, though, because it looks like it goes to the Bandcamp’s main page.

You do the thing where you fly through the air shooting two guns at once. That thing isn't even that big of a deal for you. You do that thing practically every day on hellmurder island. Your furious salvo of deadly bullets scares the FRIGHTENING FAUNA off into the jungle, REALNESS ATTRIBUTE and all.

That, or it’s just running away from an even bigger monster, like in that stupid fucking scene from Episode I.

...OR IT’S RUNNING AWAY FROM TINKERBULL. :D :D :D

Another triumph for adventure. Time to blow the smoke off your berettas and saunter off into the... whoa not so fast! Behind you, Jake!!!

What’s it gonna do, make him sneeze with its tinkerdust??

AH HA. GOT YOU YOU SON OF A, SHIT, WAIT.

WHAT????

NO, OH NOOOO, GOD WHY WOULD YOU EVEN... FUCK!!!

D: D: D:

This is almost as bad as the FIRST time Tinkerbull got killed.

Oh nooo. It was only one of those sweet little fairy bulls. You just murdered him inappropriately with your multi-bullet device. You love those little fairy bulls. You feel just awful.

Well at least he’s appropriately upset about it. And it seems there’s more than one Tinkerbull-like lusus on the island?

OH SHIT BROBOT. Yeah, it’s stalking the shit out of him, isn’t it.

So we’ve got a silhouette, which, unsurprisingly, looks just like the halfway point between baby Bro and adult Bro. HOW IS THAT HAIR EVEN POSSIBLE.

So like... I’m looking at this and trying to figure out the geometry of how dat coif would actually work in 3d, and... yeah. I got nothin’.

> Jane: Implement plan of last resort.

A wild Jane appears! Maybe she’s got her own brobot or something that’s going to help her escape?

You have waited around long enough. Dad's legendary car wash won't last forever, and the day isn't getting any younger. You pack up poppop's book and bust out your trusty HOMING DEVICE.

Homing device for...?

Here goes nothing.

OH MY FUCKING GOD. IS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS?????

WAIT, OH GOD, WHAT’S HAPPENING.

ILHGHKSDJKGHSKDHSKDD

*hurk*

IT’S NOT A SMUBBIT. IT’S A FUCKING SHITKICKING BITCH ASS BROBOT BUNNY. HE BUILT HER A BROBOT BUNNY.

...I debated ‘bronny’, but that’s too close to the Subculture Which Shall Not Be Named.

Anyway, it’s as cute as it is horrifying and I kind of love it. I mean, look at its eensy little sword!! Also, interesting that the blue of it and the brobot’s hat logo is a perfect inverse of Bro’s orange.

God he is such a little troublemaker. Hopefully he will mind his manners today.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, her face. <3 <3 <3

WHOA WHAT THE SHIT, Jake’s whole house is destroyed!! How did this happen???

Not only is the island forested now, but the volcano on Jade’s island that was dormant is now active, and there’s a fucking PYRALSPITE flying overhead. Also a whale lusus like the one Eridan killed, and... fucking... Those are a bunch of Aurthours, aren’t they.

I just... I don’t even.

Jake: Behold zoological splendor.

JESUS UDDERFUCKING CHRIST. Fuck, I’m having Humanimals flashbacks.

Looks like the centaur herd is out in full force today. You have to be careful about walking under them. There are extreme hazards involved, such as the threat of falling manure, or milk.

UGH UGH UGH, I just had one of those really unpleasant full body shivers.

HOLY SHIT. It just occurred to me that the frog temple has EIGHT PILLARS. Did it always? Did I just miss it way back in the day? If so, shame on me.

There are the ruins you'll be making your way toward once you've got the uranium.

Aha, so the transmaterializer is inside the temple!

Still need to locate that enigmatic brobot. He's out there, somewhere. Just watching. You can feel it. Can't let your guard down for a second, or you'll get served like a dude on butler island.

...Considering it’s populated by a herd of Aurthours, it basically IS butler island.

Aaaaah, it’s a whole flock of Tinkerbulls!

Uh oh. Something's coming up.

Wait, if the whale lusus is in the sky, then what’s this?

OH FUCK, IT’S GAMZEE’S CAPRICORN SEAGOAT.

AND IT IS NOT HAPPY.

Unfortunately, that’s where I’ve got to leave it for tonight! Not as long a post as I’d have liked it to be, but I ought to have time to finish up the stretch before my next audio reaction very soon. Looks like we’re switching back over to Jane next, which is fine, because as much as I want to see how this fight plays out, I’m curious as SHIT about the robunny.

Until next time! ^0^

[saofic-blog]

rating: T

word count: 2700

fandom: homestuck, post-game feferi-is-empress alternia (entirely original character focused)

==> be the subjugglator troll again

you didn't actually volunteer to be here for this long to bother labrynth, no matter how hilarious he is.  no, your best hatefriend aneris recently got transferred to this ship and promoted and you haven't gotten to see her in person since you met her, pretty much. she'd still been in training, then, and  now she's already a captain of a warship while you're, uh.  still under review for leading a squad.  that's okay, though.  aneris is much more of a leader than you are, anyway; she actually has interests and ambitions other than poking things with sticks.  (big.  heavy.  iron.  sticks.  the better to beat some heads in if you have to!)  really you just ran into labrynth first by chance.

when he finally scrapes you off, you wander off to find aneris.  this proves harder than one might think, probably because the rapprochement carries easily thirty thousand trolls, and its admiral insists on a much greater deal of integration than most.  so you can't, for instance, just go find the warmblood living quarters.  why do they gotta make a girl's life so hard?

you give up after an hour of wandering down corridors and making people nervous.

-- deliriousExposition [DE] began trolling sunnyEnchantress [SE] --

DE: yoooo eris where you even At

it takes forever for aneris to answer.  must have been busy.  usually she's whip-quick on the reply no matter when you troll her.

SE: aaeren?  i'm not anywhere special, why? 

DE: no i meAn on the ship.  where Are you.  i've been wAlking for motherfuckin hours And so fAr zero luck D:> 

SE: ... wait are you on MY ship.  like are you here?

DE: yes thAt is indeed whAt i wAs implying good job <:D

SE: holy shit

SE: here

-- sunnyEnchantress sent deliriousExposition file "rapprochementmap.png" --

SE: level five, sector CE-01, it's the leisuretainment area

SE: find the bar!!!

DE: gotchA!  see you in A bit, sister!! 

SE: i cannot believe you're on my fucking ship oh my god

-- deliriousExposition [DE] is an idle troll --

it's much faster going now that you have a solid destination.  the leisuretainment sector is mildly crowded with off-duty trolls on their free night and coming off their shifts, a mix of casual clothes and mussed-up uniforms.  you grab a nearby yellowblood by the shoulder and he growls and sparks at you, ow-- before he looks up at your face and turns dramatically pale.

"ain't no nevermind, brother," you reassure him.  "you got your know on where the bar is at?"

"uh, yeah, um.  i mean, yes ma'am?" he says in a rush.  "it's three blocks that away and two joints down the corridor."

"thanks, bro," you say, grinning at him, and manage to catch the very beginning of him hyperventilating out of the corner of your peripherals when you sweep off.

the bar is more crowded than the rest, but now you're here you can probably find aneris no prob; she's all over those weird cute freckles, plus she's tall for a brown, nearly matches you.

"aaeren!!" oh, she found you first.  yeah, that is definitely aneris kneeling half on a table and waving aggressively at you.  you wander on over and let her drape herself over your shoulders in a warm, booze-smelling hug.

"throwin' a subjugglator's hatchname 'round a joint like this, bae, you're gonna give some folk the wrong idea," you say.  aneris snorts inelegantly at this, then puts her hand on your cheek in drunken drama and cracks up.

"but sister," she whines, loudly,  "what about serendipity?!"

"there, there.  you pancracked dumbass.  shoosh," you say, stone cold deadpan.  a bunch of little intakes of breath go off all around you, eyes huge in horror or captivation.  

aneris holds half a straight face for half a second before she is off again, howling laughing, and slips off the table.  you do not catch her, because she did this to her own damn self.  you do steal her seat, though, and then crack up yourself.

"oh my god," aneris gasps, curled up a little on the (probably sticky) floor.  "oh my god. i've missed you so much.  what the fuck."

"uhm," one of the other trolls at the table goes.  "wow, uh. pleasedon'tcullme but uh.  what the fuck."

"ouonhe, this is aaeren-- oh, right, vitiator aaustere, i guess," aneris says lazily.  "we met when i was in training."  she clambers her way up from the floor with a wincing gasp and settles herself casually in your lap.  you don't usually like people touching you, honestly, but eris is just like this, and you don't mind so much when it's her.  you grin ingratiatingly at 'ouonhe,' a wiry little thing on the verge between teal and cerulean. her face remains a shocky wide-eyed picture of the phrase "what the fuck."

honestly this is probably at least half of why you and aneris get along so well.  fucking with people is just so rewarding.  her other friends seem to include a terrified-and-trying-to-hide-it little rust-brown, an even littler curvy as fuck olive, and a big yellow who looks about a step away from charging in to protect aneris's virtue.  you're pretty sure aneris has no virtue to speak of, though, so if they know her at all well they should really know better!!

nobody thinks too clearly around the facepaint, though.  that's a big part of why you wear it.

"eris, sweetgrub," you purr, "funny as this is, you might wanna tell your friends i'm not gonna kill them."  

"i thought that was obvious?" aneris says, blinking down at you innocently.  oh, her arms are around your neck.  when did that happen.  you are basically wearing her like a big orange blanket. yeah, nah, it'd be pretty hard even for you to cull somebody like this.  you put your face in aneris's long (not as long as yours), wild mass of hair and purr a little bit.  she smells nice under the sharp scent of whatever she's been drinking.

"ew, aaeren, i swear to god if you get paint all over me--!" aneris shrieks.  you giggle to yourself a little.

"what are you using on your hair, sis?" you ask her, ignoring her jabs about the paint.  it'd wash out just fine – you'd know!  "smells downright miraculous."

"'s just the cheap troll herbal essences, shit, what are you talking about.  don't switch to my conditioner, you've got too much to just mistreat it like that."

you mock-pout at her.  "so you would condemn me to continue losing half my stipend on hair care when you have this lovely secret alternative..."

"yes," aneris says seriously.  "yes i would.  but also you're getting a purpleblood salary like, bae, fuck you, half your stipend is probably more than all of mine.  fuck yeah i want you to spend it on hair care shit, and then while you're here i can steal it.  oh my god i'm a genius."

you cackle into her hair again and clack your horns against hers.  it sparks and buzzes a little with her meagre psionics and you make a face at her for that which has her snorfling into her drink.

"these here your quadrants, eris?"  you ask real low under the chatter of the crowd.  

"hmmm? yeah, sort of?  sennia is kinda ash for me an' ouonhe, 'n i've dabbled flush wi' all of 'em here or there over the sweep.  why?"

"just li'l guy over there is givin us the most hatin'-ass look i ever did see, like, god damn." you say, glancing over at the rustie.  

aneris twists around to look over the table real blatantly.  (girl ain't got a subtle bone in her body.)  the rustie looks away as soon as aneris turns.  

"oh," aneris says.  "oooohhh." she slaps a hand over her mouth and giggles drunkenly around it. "oh my god."  

"what?" you jostle your legs under her until it makes her rumblespheres bounce and her laughter hitch with the motion.  

"oh my god," she repeats, and then she's climbing unceremoniously off you ("ow," you say mildly as she kind of kicks her heel into your shin), and lunging around the table for the boy.  

"gen~!! gennes you big dumb sweetie don't look at aaeren like that she's really nice i swear-- okay, she's awful, the worst, but that's why she's great."   she looks back at the rest of the table, bites just the tip of her tongue as she sticks it out at you, and bundles gen(nes?)'s head face-first into her rumblespheres.  you can't hear him squeak over the din of the bar but you can just imagine it.  if the kid's over eleven sweeps you'll eat your pipes.  probably fresh off ascension, even.

"eris get a pile," you hoot over the table at her.  "i just met him and i can already tell he's not that kind of boy!"

"you would be surprised," aneris says wickedly, sticks her tongue out at you the rest of the way, and then sweeps the boy up into her arms and resettles the both of them so he's in her lap.

"um, okay, like, i get if this is way out of line, but like.  you're not, actually, quadranted to aneris at all, are you, um...? subjugglator... austere?" ouonhe cuts in.

"aaustere," you correct, "and i'm not actually too fussed over who's all knows my hatchname, not to mention you'll all be gettin' confused over it with eris around, so you might 's well know me by aaeren."

"she's going to kill us all by the end of the day," ouonhe says with a kind of lingering, morbid fascination.  "aneris, i'm blaming you."

aneris blinks at her.  "what?  what makes you think that?  aaeren is good people!!"

"yeah, i hardly ever get imperial reprimand for unreasonable cullings," you say, as earnestly helpful as you know how. "sometimes i do get church commendation for creative culling, though," you add thoughtfully.

"aneris, i just need you to know.  that i hate you.  so much.  for doing this to me," ouonhe says.

"now, now," the yellowblood to your left intones, distracted and perfunctory.  they're flipping through something on a husktablet, impressively unbothered by what's going on, but they reach over to pat ouonhe between her horns.  you note the ports on their wrists and forearms marking them as a helmsman and consider being duly impressed.  

you'll see how they deal with you after they've had you for an entire morning, though.  it wouldn't be right not to put aneris's friends through the full Authentic Aaustere Experience, after all!

===================================

==> aneris: despair of your choice in hatefriends.

"you pale for that rusty boy, eris," aaeren tells you as she drags you down the corridor you'd blearily indicated to your respiteblock.

"fuck me, i so am," you bemoan, and slump a little heavier into aaeren's arm around your thoracic struts that is holding  you up. she doesn't deign to even twitch at the change in pressure.

"why you ain't asked him out yet, then?  's not like you."

"he'sssa wriggler, aaeren!!" you whine.  "he's, like, nine, and all shy  'n shit, 's cute as fuck."

"he's pale as a motherfucking pale thing over you, too, looked like."

"i knoowww!!" you've graduated to wailing, probably, so it's a good thing that you've reached a door with a familiar symbol on it. you reach a clumsy hand up to punch in your code.  and then again. and again. ah-ha.  dumb door code can't beat you.

"but if i asked him it'd just scare him off," you grumble into the surface of the desk aaeren drops you on.  

"what's his trollhandle?" aaeren asks, and you've told her before your inebriated pan can catch up to why she might be asking that.  

"the fuck business does that boy have with a trollhandle like that," aaeren says.  you heave yourself up on your elbows to see her doing something with her palmhusk, grinning sinisterly down at it with both paint and fangs.  nooooooooo, what a bitch!!!!

"he likes to think he's a tortured badass," you say.  "because he's a dumb wriggler, like i told you."

aaeren looks down at you over her screen, leering.

"eris. aneris, honey.  sugargrub.  you're barely nine sweeps older than him."

"that's twice his age!!"

"dude, i'm like, nearly fourty sweeps older than you, never seemed to bother you, what do you want out of this?  shit, the guy i was just hassling 's like a hundred sweeps older than me, he still thinks i'm a wriggler.  don't really matter that much, we're all ascended here."

"barely!!" you hiss, and then let yourself drape bonelessly back over the desk in despair.  "fuckin' highbloods," you grumble. shit's different when you've got centuries to throw around.

"yeah, yeah, what was it you told me the other perigree?  ah, yes.  'just means we gotta live fast and go for it while we got it,' wasn't it?"

"oh my god fuck youuu, i'm too drunk for this."  how dare she pull your own live-fast-die-young-bad-girls-do-it-well troll-M.I.A. philosophies on you at a time like this.  how very dare.

"good. here you go.  you're welcome," aaeren purrs, and hands you her husk.

-- deliriousExposition [DE] began trolling cimmerianCyprian [CC] --

DE: yo fAm just gottA let you know And All right

DE: my sis eris over here like, DYIN' to put frond to your pretty fAce yo

DE: she All, 'i Ain't gonnA tell him, gonnA scAre A brother off D:>'

CC: who-- oh god.  ---- um!!!

DE: yeAh yeAh we get it, big scAry subjugglAtor etc etc

DE: you got A considerAtion on About whAt i ActuAlly sAid up there?

CC: --- ---- ---- !!!  um!

DE: wow ok she wAsn't kidding motherfucking lol.

DE: now she's All, woe is me, i'm too old for him like.  

DE: bro i don't even know how to hAndle this

CC: ---------------!!

DE: consider this her officiAl solicitAtion tho i guess since she's bein too drunk An' cluckbeastshit to do it her own fine self <XD

CC: i---- just---

"wow fuck you," you whine at aaeren, who looks somehow even smugger and starts up a loud, rumbling purr.  UGH.  why do you have such shit taste in friends?!

DE: hey baaaabe

DE: fuck she didn't sign out i'm too drunk for this

DE: so like ignore aaeren she's a fuckin' bag of bulges ok

CC: --- --- aneris---?

DE: yea bae of course who tf else would it be like what kinda crazy steals the palmhusk out an indo's  *indigo's fucking frond

CC: um---!!  is she---?  there with you---?

DE: yea fucker's grinnin at me like i'm the greatest joke her shitty messiahs ever did tell

DE: wait i'm on her husk an accound *t damn i'm glad she doesn't care about """blasphemy""" hoofbeastshit like the rest a them clowns

CC: so ------ should i --------  --- -----?

DE: babe ur dash-ellipsesess *ses are goin out of control calm tf down  

CC: --- --- -----  ---- -------  ---!!!!!!

DE: ok that's the uh.  opposite of what i said but you know what we'll talk about that tomorrow night ok

DE: uh

DE: i'm gonna get aaeren to put me in the slime before i say something revolting ok

DE: go the fuck to coon wriggler

DE: this is Aaeren AgAin just for pAinful clArity's sAke.

DE: but this is from eris ok lbr

DE: <>

CC: !!! !!! ------ ---- ---- – !! ---

CC: ...  ...  <> -- -- ??!

-- deliriousExposition [DE] ceased trolling cimmerianCyprian [CC] --

you glare balefully (and drunkenly) up at your so-called ""friend"". she's holding a.  secondary palmhusk from which she'd apparently cut in on that chat convo.

"just fucking.  put me to coon already," you groan, letting the palmhusk flip limply from your defeated grasp down onto the desk.

aaeren puts you to coon.  she trollhandles you like a bag of starchtubers over her shoulder and dumps you into the slime fully clothed and just barely managing to start up a whine about it.

"you are so fucking awful," you tell her.  "the worst."

she grins like a proud purrbeast and the last thing you're really quite aware of, between the slow soak of sopor through your clothes and the booze, is her disappearing into your tiny ablutionsblock and the light clicking off.