#it was just a stream of consious thing i was writing

[mandrakebrew]

Pillow Talk

Words: 654 Rating: Teen Content Warning: oc x canon, sex mention

Dr Palmer never cared for their own face. Or, more accurately, the people they grew up around didn't care for their face. Any compliment about their appearance now rung hollow, swallowed up by a torrent of insults and snide remarks.

Then they met Skull Face. Without words, they understood. Not to the same degree of course, but they understood. They never brought it up to him, though. How can they complain about their face to a man without one?

That being said, they did like his face. Regardless of what anyone else might say, they were smitten. Sadly, they could only look and study its details for a few seconds before their commander got fed up and told them to knock it off.

He was more relaxed and pliant after he came, though. A fact the doctor was taking advantage of at the moment. They ignore cleaning up for a bit, and instead roll him onto his back while they lie next to him. His eyes remain shut. They take in the dark coloration of the sockets. Next, the line of divots that trail up above his right eye. The color and pattern remind them of the full moon.

Their gaze goes to his lips. It's only now they notice a tiny arch in his upper lip. They can see his teeth through it a bit.

They look at his Glasgow smile. The thought that his skin had been damaged to the point his cheeks split open kills them. Without thinking, they reach forward and trace one side of it with their thumb, down to the small arch in his lip.

This causes him to finally open his eyes, and he looks at them. “Staring again?”

Admiring, they want to correct him. “Yup.”

They expect him to move their hand away, or to get up and get a towel, but he does neither for the moment. Simply staring back at them.

Skull Face is starting to wonder if they enjoy making him squirm on purpose. The scrutiny is new to him. It's been a long day though, and let's them get it out of their system, at least for now.

Palmer continues to feel the dips and ridges of his chin, and then his cheek. His skin is slightly rough, lacking the elasticity of their own skin, but strangely soft in its own unique way.

Their fingers make their way to the dark spots above his right eye, and that's when he puts a stop to it. He grabs their hand and firmly moves it away.

They don't hide the frustrated look that crosses their face. They relent though and opt to lay their hand on his chest.

“Just why do you insist on doing that?”

“Why do you think?” A genuine question. They’re curious as to what’s going through his head.

“If I knew, I wouldn’t be asking.”

“No guesses? None?” Palmer’s thumb is now idly tracing one of the deep scares across his chest.

“Aside from irritating me, no.”

“As fun as that is, that isn’t my intention.”

“Then what?”

“Is it really that hard to believe I enjoy looking at my partner’s face?”

He just huffs in response.

They can’t help but smile. His behavior is endearing, even if the reason behind is much less so. Palmer tends to avoid the topic of his appearance. They’re not sure how to make him believe what they say isn’t flattery or politeness. Something the doctor often assumes others are doing when they compliment them.

“Well, it’s true,” They push themselves out of bed finally to go fetch a towel.

“Right,” He responds sarcastically.

Palmer stops before they leave the room, and turns. “Would you accept it if I said the reason I think your face is beautiful is because it’s yours?”

At least that’s what they say in their head. They lose their nerve and go to get a towel from the bathroom.

[smoreboi]

macaroni and cheese was supposed to work! it did work for a little! i was feeling better. then i accidentally made someone i dont know mad and now its back like the macaroni and cheese didnt even do anything. fuck. imsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorry i dont know what to do and im shaky and my throat is boiling in acid and im crying and all my bones ache and im perpetually writing this and i cant stop and im hitting the keys to hard and i need to stop and i have class in an hour and im remembering terrible things and threats and my hands hurt and cant stop typing and i sd;fjk;klsrahg;jklasf;ionh fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck i mean im still gonna post this, this is my "stream of consious blog, yall get to see my fucking consious i dont wanna be consious i wanna be sleeping buried in dirt just drown me end me now filsdfjklasfg my hands a re stiff and my head cant get off myh shoulder and asd;klgas;rklgnharghioerhjllajkl;jls;jlasia sobbing and the music doesnt fit the mood and fucjaklasrfgjkllldldjdldsddkldjk im calm now. song changed to something safe. im safe now. i can breath. i didnt breath.

Sorry about this. Creature - Half Alive saved me, thank Spotify for knowing what I needed. I'm still a little shaky but I will be okay. I'm sharing this, it was real for me, but if you think I'm faking it, go ahead. I don't need to share my life to try and prove myself to someone I don't and will never know. I don't want to share my whole life. S'more is my safe space. It shouldn't be associated with my whole life. Sorry to the person I make angry, sorry for anyone this will make angry or throw off. I need to shut up now.

[star-blanket]

Hmmm. I used to/still do lol daydream a lot about being in love and finding someone who like cared about me or wuteva. But in 2018 uh LOL um I give up I just hope I at the very least have a lot of good n happy sex? Or nah?

Anyways uhm I thought about it a lot and felt really bad about the whole coffee thing with C but it took me a while to realize just how lucky I am to even have that problem. Like - wow poor me, I've had such wonderful memories that I desperately wish I could relive and share with him. Like, what a blessing this past summer was because of him. He's gone now but I really am grateful for his impact on my life, and I do think I'm a better person for it.

Ok enough about boys. I've recognized that I have been absurdly, overwhelmingly obsessed with males because I've never had so many lol encounters until I really put myself out there last year. I think it's almost all consuming and if I were my friend, I'd be like... faye... shut up and move on. Although holy shit that's so much easier said than done when they keep popping up from the past.

Without C/H bothering me, I've received some clarity on the empty days of my life. I live, breathe, and die for productivity. There's such a ferocious drive within me to accomplish, and accomplish efficiently. I hate when people get in my way and I suppose this is the exact reason why I don't care to entertain so many close relationships. I used to think it was solely because school that I so selfishly allocated my time in a way that restricted others' from impeding on my goals. Now free from the bounds of school and only really working, I see that this has been my underlying nature all along, regardless of the goal I pursue? Like, no matter when or where it is, I will have a goal, and I will be annoyed when people get in the way of that said goal. I want to cook my own food and eat clean and am bothered when others wanna go out and eat lol. No, I don't want to frivolously watch a movie when I could clean my entire house. I'd rather work out than waste my time, rather study for my future or learn a new language or paint or draw or read or write. Inviting people into my world is a conscious task that truly does go against the grain of sensibilities.

LOL damn this is why I'm not even close to the hoe I wanna be LOL. But??? My goal in 2018 was to be sloppy... meanwhile high achieving everything I've been aggressively pursuing for my whole life... so we'll see how that goes.

In conjunction, I really should address my self-importance and problems arrogantly announcing my achievements. I'm also going to try to be a better listener, focus less on my appearance, and be more honest with everyone. Everyone tells me that all people are entitled to how they choose to share their vulnerabilities online, and it's ok if they don't want to share their sadness so openly. While I completely agree with that, I don't care to apply it to myself. If I want to fully live by my beliefs, it is of utmost importance that I show everyone the entire spectrum of my humanity, if it means that at least one other person in this world feels that they are a little less alone because of me. And I don't care if no one else does it, because to me, I want to be someone that I myself would follow on social media and have a positive effect, not just present myself as a bright shiny object of envy that everyone else tries to be.

I think not being a full time student and not being so heavily involved in boys has really cleared up so much previously occupied space in my mind. I've had countless hours to ruminate and contemplate. My thoughts constantly overflow, streams pouring into the wild gulf of my vacant consious. I've learned so much about myself and have developed so many important habits in this time. I kind of hate working lol and desperately miss the intense rigor and challenge of my aggressive academic pursuits, but this year has been very positive in self understanding. Hopefully 2018 brings more of that. And dick. LOL. Wish me luck xx