#it was good reasoning if u wanted fluff bc this was the fluffier outcome

[fakeloveaskblog]

everyone's reactions always makes me so happy :D)

Considering everything, including removing being incredibly high and drunk, as well as being frustrated over the mysterious notifications, they're probably not in a state for clear conversion.

So, although it may be ideal, both of you could be overwhelming? And Remus, they're going to live with you for the time being, so maybe you should go and see if they're OK

Janus, if you're still concerned, i can check up and tell you if they're alright.

Maybe this was good reasoning?

🐌🕸

Tw: talk about self harm (burning skin via cigarette)

Remy sat on the damp grass with their back leant against one of the apartment complexes' walls. A cigarette laid pressed between their fingers and the smoke slowly crawled up into the warming spring air.

They'd put their phone on quiet and stuffed it as deep down into their leather jacket's pocket as was possible. It felt like if anything happened after they texted back it would automatically make it all their fault. So they tried to ignore it. They already felt guilty enough.

The air was warm and smelled like humid droplets of water. The grass beneath their hand was long and flowy. The wall had a certain kind of roughness to it, like it hadn't been repainted in a bit.

It all felt so real. The world felt so alive. But they did not.

It wasn't quite like being dissociated. It was only their own existence that was crossed out. It was like stepping out of a party to get a breathe of air. When the music can still be heard faintly through the door and everything inside the party feels so terribly alive while the person outside is just a speck of dust. Only difference being that Remy had been locked out from the party. They didn't know how to get back to reality.

They looked up to the windows to Remus' apartment. The light was still on. Shadows reflected against the wall. If they closed their eyes they could imagine the laughter and warmth in the room.

It was just as good without them. Better even. No one wanted a raw wound bleeding out in the middle of the room.

Warm light flooded out onto the grass as the entrance door to the apartment complex opened. Remus big eyes popped out from behind the door and looked around.

He shone up so incredibly brightly, even if his expression stayed worried "Hi. We started wondering if you'd turned into a werewolf and run off into the night"

Remy did a half assed attempt at a chuckle.

Remus closed the door behind him, leaving the two of them in the evening's low light. He moved closer to them and looked down at where they sat.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"Want a cig?" Remy held up their half smoked cigarette.

He accepted it and sat down next to them as the nicotine went down his throat. It burned a bit, itched even. He let out a small cough.

"Girl?? I thought you smoked" Remy laughed.

"Not that often anymore!"

They sent him a tired smile "It's cute"

"Are you feeling okay?"

Remy held out their arm "You wanna try burning me?"

Remus glanced between their arm and their red eyes "What?"

"With the like cig. Press it against my wrist"

"no? No! No! What are you talking about!?"

"You say morbid stuff like allllll the time girlie. Just like-"

"It will hurt you!"

Remy let out an exacerbated sigh and rolled their eyes. They crossed their arms and leant back against the wall. Remus quickly put out the cigarette against the wall gravel.

"I dunno if it would hurt me. I don't think it would. Like I don't feel real enough to think it would hurt. It would probs just go through me....Like a ghost!" They waved their fingers around like a ghost "oooOooh spooky"

Remus poked their cheek "Not a ghost"

They were silent for a while. For so long Remus started to think he should maybe ask if they were feeling alright.

"...I..I've never not been abused" They finally mumbled out "I don't know what parts of me is me and what parts were created to keep me alive through it all. I don't have any like life goals or nothing. All I've ever done is survive. I don't- I don't know how to be useful if I'm not a punching bag and I don't know how to be loved if I'm not being used- I don't know how to know for sure that I'm real if I'm not afraid"

Remus reached out and lightly took their hand in his. He intertwined their fingers and pressed a soft kiss to the top of their hand.

"You're real because I am real and I'm holding you"

Remy's look was unsure. Their eyes flickered between looking at their friend and out into the sky, like a candle in the wind.

"I'm not at all like saying this to like diminish you're like- what happened to you I'm just saying my stupid lil gremlin you're still like- You're Remus! You're like super good at drawing and your brain is like bursting with facts and weird ideas and your laughter is the most wonderful sound the earth has ever made and like- like- There is so much left of you! I- I don't know where I end and Virgil begins. I don't know what I even- What I even want without him- I don't know- I don't- He's right- I- I do need him to tell me what to do- Nothing feels real if I'm not being hurt- I don't know what parts of me are real and what are 'cause of the abuse! I don't-"

Remus squeezed their hand "I-" He gulped "I honestly don't know if I'm asexual because that's how I am or if it is because of...My memories are too blurry to remember...But I still am ace y'know..It doesn't matter why I am. It's still just as real y'know"

He looked over to them. They had pushed down their sunglasses to hide their eyes.

"Yeah..I know" They murmured back.

"So if you- If you're this-" Remus searched for words "If you're as cool as a bucket of blood 'cause of what happened maybe it's okay if that's you now? Bunnies hearts can go 300 beats a minute if they're excited and I think my heart does that when I'm with you so- so maybe it's okay..Right?...You can start over now...If you don't have anything to look forward to you can figure it out...You can...You can choose something simple like staying with me!"

"Oh yeah it's so easy to stay with someone who would probably leave dead birds on my bed as a way to say good morning" 

"It's so easy!! 'Cause I'm not gonna leave you!!! You're gonna have to force me away with like an army of bulldozers and uh and!! and forklifts!!"

Remy moved their hand, and Remus' hand alongside theirs, up to their cheek. Their cold skin met his "Good I don't have an army of bulldozers and forklifts then"

They closed their eyes and leant their forehead against his. He flinched back when he felt the stench of alcohol coming from them. Remy moved back as he stood up.

He went over to a neighbor's flowerbed and leant down in front of it for a few minutes. Remy stared at him in confusion until he eventually came back with a white flower with yellow in the middle. He stayed standing up as he held out the flower.

"I didn't know how anyone could love me after I left Oswald either. I thought he was the only one. I thought that I would definitely be alone since I didn't want to do anything of..That stuff. And- and I thought he had ruined any- everything that anyone would want me for anyway. So I get your worry" His cheeks went a bit red "But you don't have to worry how anyone else is gonna love you 'cause I already do...A lot!"

Remy looked at the flower, but more importantly looked at the dirt on his hand. Dirt had gotten under his nails when he dug the flower up. The dirt was there because of them. 

They let up into a smile and took the flower "Stolen flower. My fav!"

"It's a Bloodrot!! I think. Pretty sure"

"Oh my gawd giiiirrrl how did you know I tots love Bloodrot!!" They gasped "I love Blood! I love rot! I love bloodrot!" They twirled their hair between their fingers that made him laugh.

"I also found a worm! If you want that too" He held out his open palm where a worm was wiggling around.

Remy's first thought was to say no but when they saw the proud look on Remus' face they could only nod and take the worm in their hand. They looked around for a wet piece of dirt they could lay it down on.

"I'm sorry by the way" They said while putting the worm down.

"For what?"

"I tried to like- Or I mean I asked you to press the cig into my skin and I knew you didn't want to do that. I'm sorry. It was shitty. I shouldn't have asked you for something you didn't want"

"It's okay. Don't worry. I ge-"

"I know I'm like drunk but you better not take that as an excuse!! Only dickbags use being drunk as an excuse! Being drugs- I mean being drunk only makes me like sappy and all like cryey. I'm sorry really"

Remus let up into a giggle and repeated "Being drugs"

"Girl you better not"

"Being drugs huh" He looked at the sky as if he had found some great wisdom"

"Oh shut up!" they chuckled out.

"Wanna go back in?"

Remy nodded and tried to stand up on their shaky legs. Remus met their eyes and tilted his head and waited until they'd nodded again to reach out and help them up. He held their hand as they walked and let them lean their cheek against his shoulder. They held the flower close to their chest.

"-And that is how I made Ryan Gosling cry!" Rowan concluded as the two Rems came back to the apartment.

Patty had her head against her girlfriend's waist and was clearly struggling to keep her eyes open, not because the story was boring she was just tired. 

"Mr. Gosling had it coming!" Logan replied, a bit slurred. His glasses had slid down and his hair had become undone "Make Matt Damon cry next. I have not forgiven him for The martian!"

"L'chaim brother!" Rowan exclaimed as she held up her glass of wine. Logan clinked his glass against hers.

"You're back" Janus said as he saw the two of them "Are you okay?"

"Tired" Was all Remy replied.

"Maybe it's time to wrap it up for the day" 

Patty let out a half asleep "mmh"

Rowan stroked her girlfriend's cheek "I got a call in the morning thanks to Snail so me and Patty should stay here for tonight"

"Sounds good" Logan kissed Janus "Still up for doing a few experiments on a ghost heart tonight?"

"Of course dear"

The ladies went to get ready right after Patty and Logan had shared their goodnight kiss. Logan was about to leave when janus told him to wait a minute before quickly hurrying over to Remy.

He hesitated for a moment before leaning close to them "Goodnight. You can call me at any time" 

"Goodnight" Remy whispered back.

The two of them looked at each other for a few unsure seconds. Janus eyes glanced down at their lips before quickly looking back up to their eyes.

"Is it alright if I-"

"Sure. Yeah. Of course"

He leant in but decided to only kiss their cheek at the last second. He could feel Remy's shuddering breathe. Could feel how their hand went up to touch the back of his neck. Could feel how much he wanted to kiss their lips again.

And then it was over and he mumbled out another goodnight before leaving with Logan. Remy turned to see Remus grinning at them.

"Alrightttttt!" Rowan interrupted. She had a big ass red robe on "Remy the couch is free! I need my royal sleep so neither of you better wake me or my sweet cupcake up!"

She switched to spanish and said something only to Remus. He quickly reassured her back. She just wanted to remind him that if Remy in any way made him uncomfortable he could go to her. It didn't matter if she needed sleep or not. His safety was more important.

Patty happily walked along as Rowan dragged her with to the bedroom.

The only ones left were Remus and Remy.

"Well girlie I guess it's time for me to sleep the drunk off-"

"Do you want to...My bed is big"

They were actually taken aback "Do you?"

"I think so...Yeah"

"Okay well you can still like if you like change your mind I can tots just like move to the couch. I don't mind. I'm great at rolling off beds!"

"Thanks Beanie"

Even though Remy was dead tired they still dragged themself to brush their teeth only because they'd seen how Remus had flinched at the smell of alcohol.

They hadn't actually been much in Remus' room before, they'd mostly hung out in the living room, and now it was too dark to see any real details. The blanket on the bed was a weighted one and there was an octopus plushie laying in the middle of it. 

The bed was easily big enough for the both of them to in it without touching each other. Still Remy tried to take up as little space as possible. They laid down on the left side without thinking about it since Virgil always slept on the right side.

They could feel the weight shift slightly as Remus got down under the blanket beside them. Neither of them said anything. Maybe they both felt that just doing this said enough.

Until they heard Remus mumble something into the pillow.

"What?" They asked.

"Nothing. Just saying a quick shema. it's an uhh jewish thing. Sorry it'll just take a second"

He didn't pray that often but he felt like a bit of extra luck couldn't hurt.

"Can I...join in? Is that like allowed?" 

"Of course"

Remus started over with reciting it. Remy mostly mouthed along a second or two after him. With their backs turned to each other they continued until it was over.

"Goodnight" Remus whispered.

"Goodnight. I can't wait to see you tomorrow"

"What does that even mean" He chuckled back, cheeks a bit red again.

"Dunno girlie. My brain just spits out shit. Guess I wanna like spend the day together?"

"I'd like that as well"

Remy looked out the window and saw the last remains of snow on the roof melt away. For once they fell asleep within only a few minutes.

[myelocin]

also i took too long to come here bc i read it on ao3 and after the daze it put me through i had to read fluff fics after fluff to heal my heart HDHFHHF i just read redefining you and 😭😭😭 i just love how your fics don't have a conventional happy ending? like, most of the time life won't give us what we originally want but there will always, always be something else bc you're meant to be happy. Or smth. Sorry i'm going through rough times rn and this is so important to me so tHANK YOU FHJDJDJ

“there will always be something else bc you’re meant to be happy”

that’s it,, that’s the very reason why i rarely do the expected outcome kcndjcndbd. life is twisty but we get sprinkles of both sadness and happiness along the way so might as well hold on to the crumbs of happiness that falls on your lap and enjoy them ;^;

thank you thank you ;—-; i hope to put out more fluffier pieces soon so swing by whenever u want to just chat or read or just feel stuff in general :D i appreciate the fact that you came n communicated w me after reading my fics, it really does make my day!

and whatever you may be going through rn, if you ever need to talk don’t hesitate to message me! this is a safe space <3 sending good energy n love your way!! please smile today! :D