#it truly is horrible out here for me
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there’s actually nothing quite like the olympics to make me feel like i’ve wasted my whole life away 😊
#especially as a mid-level athlete in my sport#it truly is horrible out here for me#go team canada i guess!#my people!#olympics#paris 2024#artistic swimming
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um calenhad aeducan lore. known fondly as prince cal by the people of orzammar and also me. he’s called that after the founder of the theirin line, because after ferelden successfully rebelled against orlesian rule, orzammar was like oh fuck we’ve got to repair that relationship as if we didn’t just sit by the whole time that was happening. so there were a bunch of these kind of uh diplomatic publicity stunts happening around the time he was born. and nothing about his life has ever not been someone else’s angle
his mother was one of endrin’s lesser concubines from a lower status house, and every jealous eye turned in her direction when she bore the king a son. despite that, endrin’s queen took her and the baby under her wing. it wasn’t entirely altruistic. the queen had no sons of her own, so cal could serve instead as her “contender” for heir against trian, the son of her long-time rival, a favoured concubine called lady rosdrada. the queen also happened to be a notable warrior, a powerful reaver, who died years later on a deep roads expedition under mildly suspicious circumstances, with many blaming lady rosdrada. (she was never publicly accused but neither did the king ever marry her and allow her to rise to the queen’s vacant place, a fact bitterly resented by her faction.)
cal’s mother, who returned the queen’s protection and favour with fierce loyalty, was first among rosdrada’s accusers. furious that punishment never came, she changed almost overnight from a shy, humble woman to a politician who could in her own right engage in the life or death battle for succession, raising her son to be the fulfilment of the late queen’s ambitions. he was trained since childhood in both the ways of princely charm and the ways of a reaver warrior, all to be the vengeance of a woman whose face he sometimes struggles to remember. perhaps there was a time, as boys, when he tried to be a brother to trian despite it all, but with his mother’s teachings always in his ears and trian less bearable each year, he’s long since accepted that deadly conflict between them is inevitable. he’s never eager to be the ruthless aeducan prince, but he’s always done his duty, however ugly. he never turns down the foul-tasting reaver concoctions, or quakes when he’s sent to the deep roads. he always defends his house’s honour and makes the point in blood. anything less is death; his mother tells him so
he doesn’t truly want the throne. he just wants more than anything to have the weight of expectations off his shoulders, and to no longer dread that his mother, his second, and all who support them will pay the deadly price of his failure. he’ll jump blindly at the chance to get this fight over with—and that’s all the opportunity bhelen ever needed
#calenhad aeducan#i say only that the queen has no sons so i can out yrsa and cal in the same worldstates sometimes :)#*put#yrsa being my lady aeducan. she’s the queen’s daughter#a boy seems to always be a better contender in orzammar culture unfortunately#so they could logically co-exist#me when theres a dragon age game: so is anyone going to make a reaver boy with insane duty issues from one of his parents or—#they didnt lock a random dragon in that palace for me to NOT make excuses to give my characters the reaver spec early#i havent quiteee decided whether bhelen is rosdrada’s or not#he hasn’t been in previous imaginings of mine but i think that makes more sense here#also makes cal’s guilt insane bc he was tolddddd never to trust one of THAT WOMAN’S sons#shoutout to rosdrada she has a truly horrible time in dao i think bhelen potentially being her son actually makes it worse#haunting that palace. miss havisham looking. lady macbeth type monologues. she was the only one who loved trian in the end#i suppose she killed him too by pushing him towards this when he could never win it. i suppose they all killed him
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I think an underappreciated motive for Bruce / Batman to not murder the Joker after he killed Jason is that it would, in a sense, mean Joker won. Like, yeah the Joker would be dead but he would also be laughing himself silly that he was the one who made the Bat break his code.
Bruce sparing the Joker was not because he didn't love Jason enough to kill him, but because he refused to let the Joker take anything else from him; he took his son, but he would not take his honor, his morality, his code. He would not give Joker the satisfaction.
Yeah! I think, ultimately, DC said it best, -- one death, two deaths, three deaths, -- whatever you pick, everybody loses. It was a no win situation from the start and specifically designed to have no satisfactory ending
#my thing is -- like. jason is such a self fledgelating character at heart (to me he does not have a victim complex like many ppl say#but i can completely get why that's a character trait ppl assign to him)#that even if bruce did kill joker (which he did in the comics multiple times. but everyone leaves that part out)#i think jason would ultimately feel horrible enough to isolate himself either way#and bruce already lost a son and there's truly nothing that can heal that. yes jason is here. but when bruce buried him#he wasn't.#but that's because of the same factors that affect canon too. it was never about the clown#it was about bruce and jason#bruce wayne#dc comics#meta
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LMAO there’s no way someone made a callout blog for TBHK, you people have way too much free time on your hands
#and this is coming from ME#like no shit the manga is problematic ppl have been saying this for years#but newsflash people are well within their right to enjoy problematic media#what is your goal here?? are you gonna arrest everyone who likes it??#you do realize how stupid that makes you look right??#i almost didn’t watch it bcuz i heard bad things but when i gave it a chance the fan service really wasn’t that bad??#aside from a few weird scenes and official arts it’s super easy to overlook unless you’re only reading it to complain abt it#who checks out tbhk and expects it to be a masterpiece anyways i just read it for the silly ghosts#it truly was never that serious#if you can’t get past the fan service that’s totally understandable but no one is automatically a horrible person just bcuz they like the#show/manga#grow up#tbhk#toilet bound hanako kun#hanako kun#fandom discourse#nene yashiro#kou minamoto#sousuke mitsuba#i just could never imagine investing that much time and energy into smth i hate#and also the weird shit stopped like a quarter ways into the manga#you’d know that if you actually bothered to read it
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CHAPTER 103-104 Where Vessels Lie in Slumber I was so happy to work on a longer story for once. My head starts filling up with what to do next while I'm still working on the current episode when I'm in one-shot mode. But being able to linger on a story arc reminded me of the excitement I felt back when I first wanted to be a manga artist. I still have a lot of storylines I'd prefer not to cut short, so I hope I get more opportunities like this. I've wanted to do this particular story for a long time, but I feel like it could only be done now because of how Natsume's currently feeling. I hope you can pick up on how Natori and Matoba's relationship changes subtly depending on the situation, and that you get a feel for their solidarity as exorcist peers. It was so fun drawing everything I wanted to include: Natsume's faith in his friends; Natori's belief that he can still offer help even as an exorcist; Matoba, who's sometimes prevented from action because he knows and sees too much; Tanuma, who's surely able to help, but is unable to accompany Natsume; the cats protecting their secret; Nyanko sensei. And of course there were even more things I wanted to expand on, so I'll take my time working them out.
- Midorikawa Yuki, notes on the Homura arc, Vol. 26
#natsume yuujinchou#ft.#horrible exorcists#crumbs#bc they got me verklempt while sobbing into my copy of vol 26 which i haven't been able to let out of my sight (in spirit anyway) for weeks#and wasn't sure if these had been shared here before#it also got be v emo that this was the story she chose for her 100th chapter!!!!!!! :')#truly playing the long(est) game (with my hearttttt)
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do you ever find a song that reminds you so violently of a favourite character that you kind of just like. freeze there once the realization hits
so anyway I found a new Dorothy song and I’ve paused everything I was doing to talk about it because. oh my god. come cry with me.
Flowers by Marina, here’re the lyrics:
obviously I’ve related this back to her marriage with/& divorce from stan, but I feel like this song really encapsulates how easy it is/has been for Dorothy to fall right back into his arms at the slightest show of affection, regardless of how far along she is in her own healing journey, and how awful she knows he is. “And it’s most tempting to give in when you hear the firin shots, when you’re steps from winning back all the happiness you lost.”
She’s very weak to emotional temptation, it’s one of her biggest character flaws. It doesn’t take much to convince her to do something she has already been yearning for even slightly. (I could connect this back to her recovering gambling addiction on so many different levels but thats another post entirely, and kind of self explanatory) ie: the episode stan takes a wife, where he shows affection for Sophia in crisis, keeps dorothy company, and now - regardless of the fact that she’s about to ruin a planned wedding and that, stan is stan - dorothy is determined to take stan back and completely convinced that he wants her back, too. We see dorothy in a similar situation with stan in season one also, to a little bit of a lesser extent. There are so many big and small examples of this that it would be impossible to name them all individually, but I think the examples involving stanley are most relevant here. oh god, not to mention the time they almost actually get married again … spare me. Eventually, everytime, when he proves once again to be the asshole that cheated & left her, she comes to her senses. But oh my god sometimes it just takes so much for her to see that someone is bad for her. “–but I would rather not, betray myself, just to keep your love at any cost”
Sophia comments on this flaw once or twice in canon too (OUCH, BTW.) and it just … dorothy is always so defensive. girl your mother is correct I fear!!!
“If you’d just bought me flowers, maybe I would have stayed”… the slightest show of affection would have kept her there with him for even longer, I’m so sure of it – thank god he stayed gone for as long as he did. Should have been forever!!!!!!! she had been slipping away from him since day one.
Do I even need to start talking about “and now my future gleams with colours bold and bright, in a home that’s filled with love and hope and a life that just feels right.” PLEASE. PLEASE… I’m so fragile …… please … I feel like this one speaks for itself. And right after a line that so perfectly describes her home life while married to stan? I’m not well oh my god this is sick
#sorry I know these thoughts were all over the place and made no sense but when the song came on shuffle and I made the connection#I about died#every lyric here is so exactly her. it didn’t talk about every one (although I wanted to badly) because#it would have been me rambling about things that are very self explanatory I think - but I just had to get some kind of ramble out on this#I can’t deal with this one flaw of hers… I feel like it’s the type of thing you’d never expect from someone like her but oh boy.#she’s just :( she just wants to be loved. truly wholly loved#she’s not scary. shes not what people perceive her to be on the surface - she’s gentle & kind & so deeply fragile#the golden girls#dorothy zbornak#like she is the LAST person you’d expect to be taking back her lying cheating broke exhusband#she’s the kind of person to tell you NOT to do that!!!!! she’d KILL for you in a situation like that!!!!#but show her any kindness & she disregards every horrible thing about you. she yearns to feel loved so badly that in the moment#all that matters is the feeling that someone might actually love her.#there is also the connection to stan that I don’t think she’ll ever really be able to look past. which does unfortunately make sense to me#i mean. he’s the father of her children. she had to spend 38 years of her life with him - obviously that’s going to leave a scar#okay ramble over there are just so many thoughts but I’ve already started repeating things I’ve rambled on already 😭
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s. s ave me, meoto…
#n o t me clinging to meoto to retain my sanity bc g o o d l o r d today was the worst#today was truly a very bad; very horrible day indeeeeeeed#man. today truly was a comedic tragedy in every way possible. i’d laugh if i were anyone else tbh#first i couldn’t start my workstation bc we were out of this cleaning acid thing.#t h e n this other branch lab sent over a precise amount of [reagent] that we needed to make the cleaning acid thing#*and* what’s worse was that they also demanded like. 1/5 of the acid we mixed. like bro. make it yourself mans.#but the worst part was when i tried to use a dropper to poke this sediment out of [tube i was supposed to be cleaning]#bUT THEN HALF OF THE DROPPER MELTED BC THAT BUGGER CAN’T HANDLE HIGH TEMPERATURES AAAAAAAAAAAAAA#stupid new droppers man. the old droppers could handle 100 degrees just fine. s o now the tube is clogged with melted plastic and it’s just.#life’s *really* great sometimes yk~~~~? (ʘ‿ʘ)#and so the night shift dude who came to take over the workstation against expectations seemed kinda pissed that i hadn’t started anything#and im just there. with my intestines wriggling about like internal abdominal worms. tryin not to cry in the face of my mistake.#while he’s fumin’ away like a freakin’ chimney or sth. like. man. no one asked you to take this workstation. you came here on your own. :(#anyway i ditched him and left for my break to calm myself down only to be approached by some random terribly lost middle aged to old lady#who was looking for directions to *somewhere* but she only spoke chinese aaaaaaaa#and i can’t read maps/i don’t even live in the area of my workplace so i have no idea if the lady managed to make it safely#but. lol. the lady showed me her message screen when she asked me for directions to her destination#and by pure coincidence the person she was texting is apparently related to someone with the same first name as me#the cons and cons of having common names man. i hope the lady managed to find her friend with the same name as me though lol#anyways. pls hw im begging. pls drop the crossfade for lxl birthday tmr i n e e d more meoto to carry on—#s o b s this is what im living for now ig. meoto………..
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hmm i think i am not coping. very well
#i feel like ive hit a wall in my ability to handle anything and idk how to hold myself together anymore#i see myself spiraling terribly but i am so exhausted in every single way that i cannot bring myself to care#and it’s going to kill me one day but i cant even care abt that#july was so horrible. so so bad it’s the worst month ive had since my dad’s passing#i feel so incredibly empty and stagnant and stuck i feel like i am in a tar pit and ive been here before#but i no longer have the strength to claw myself out of it#nor the support of others (irl i love u mutuals)#i quite literally only have my brother at this point and with how physically abusive he can become it’s not like that’s a relationship i#truly feel supported and safe in but it’s all i have#ive always been isolated severely by my family + the Issues have always made socialization so exhausting#i feel like im just floating and no one knows me nor cares bc how can they. i either just push people away to avoid getting hurt or i dont e#even try. and when i want to it’s a task so daunting and draining#i don’t have it in me despite knowing the lack of human connection is absolutely destroying me and ripping me to shreds#despite knowing a community of some kind would help#but i also feel like i offer fucking nothing and am worthless so would i even accept the help given to me. probably not#i wish i wasnt so intense of a person in every single way. and yet i will never be enough either#i feel like ive been clinging and digging my claws into my sanity that was not really present in the first place#ive been put through so much i couldnt cope with so repeatedly and so young i think by the time i wqs 10 i had already hit a wall but you#cant just stop living so it’s only compounded on top of that#it feels unhealable it feels like just part of me now.#i see a complete absence of a future for myself and i have no one to stay alive for anymore#not my parents not my pets not my friends and i dont know how to stay alive for myself bc it’s not something ive ever wanted#idk anymore. ive never felt so utterly lost and alone and broken lmao.#no wonder this relapse has been so all-consuming#dlt ltr
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Honestly I think Dean Highbottom has some shit to answer to as well. The mockery, the derision, the outright admittance that he was hoping Coriolanus would fail and the Snow family would continue to suffer. How someone who loathed the Games still treated a young man with cruelty because of the past, because of social divides that would be so easy to tear down. In the end, it wasn’t just Gaul who shaped Snow into the man he became. So bitter and hateful. So incapable of compassion and forgiveness. Just like his father. Just like his Dean.
#like yeah there were a lot of things questionable about Snow even before he was chosen as a mentor in the games#but like. damn. you didn’t even consider the idea he could be better than his father did you?#the way kindness could have unravelled some of the hate in Snow’s heart#listen to me tell you the horrible things your father did. listen to me tell you that you can be different. you are not the past.#the divides between us do not truly exist. look at the weapon in your hand. it is real. and it can do real damage#but if you never hate someone - if they never fool you into letting violence into your heart - they can never make you use it#it breaks my heart. how could you hate a ghost so much that you’d kill a child. I don’t know. but the Dean does. and so does Snow.#the cycles run and run until somebody stops. and burns some bread. and shares berries. and takes an arrow. and says no more. I love you#it is difficult. it could hurt me. it could be the very last thing I do. it may not even serve me well. but I love you. I love. always.#how pathetic hate makes you. how strong love makes you. like staring at the Dean and staring at characters like Haymitch#like two substance abusing men who know the system inside out. who are complicit. who are victims. both embittered and angry.#but one saw a child and decided to punish him for the past#and the other saw a child and decided - okay. it’s been 23 years. my heart hurts. I want to give in. I want to hate you. I want to not care.#I’m going to care anyway. I’m in so much pain. It’s killing me. I’m going to care anyway. about you both. it won’t be perfect. but I care.#and I’ll be here through hell. and I will fuck up. so fucking badly. because I’m still addicted and angry and god knows I have suffered.#god knows these hands are bloody and they always will be. but I will keep coming back. I will keep trying. I will still love.#and in the end I will write names in a book that belongs to you and I will find a little bit of peace in a house where the sun shines#and the geese make ridiculous noises in the yard. and love will have seen me through.#HAYMITCH YOU WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUS I LOVE YOU MY IMPERFECT DARLING#dean highbottom#coriolanus snow#the hunger games#a ballad of songbirds and snakes#haymitch abernathy#thg#abosas#suzanne collins#SHE WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUS
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Just realized- and God, I hope Mr Emmerich comes through with this- to me dragon age men are romantically about one thing and one thing only:
Getting annoyed by something they're up to and then they suddenly say the most vulnerable soft ass gentle lovely thing and I have to growl and go ougggghhhhh I CAN'T not cherish him
#we were doing legacy today and Anders went#'You should find someone else#love. You don't want all the ugliness I'm going to bring into your life.#and when i say you could hear my heart break-#ans then varric immediately went i gotta hand it to you blondie. you make that work every time.#😶got me there.#anders dragonage truly out here making me appreciate new ways to deliver lines HORRIBLY soft and pathetic. who allowed this#AND he's a faggy nuisance. and a leftist. free real estate
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#thinking again abt the horrible things he said to me bc some of them were so stupid and mean i will never truly get over it until i go to#his house with the hammer!!#'why are you interested in the yiddish language' 'well first of all most yiddish speakers are dead it's a dying language it's a fucking#murdered language and i think it's important to preserve plus it's cool' 'well by that logic most english speakers are dead too' here's#what i should have done in that scenario. get up grab my things grab my keys and leave. versus what i did. continued to try to explain to#him why i'm passionate about the culture for hours and he never truly got it.#and it was so funny because the next day HE was all mopey. i was like 'what's your problem' he was like 'i think i feel bad about some of#the stuff i said last night...' here's what i should've said. 'yeah you rat bastard you should feel really bad you suck i hate you beg on#your knees for forgiveness.' versus what i did. a simple dose of the silent treatment#i will never get over this i will never get over this because no one i have cared so much about and thought was so kind and understanding#has been so stupid he's just an antisemite. i was like he's not a nazi he's just dumb. girl when u gotta ask urself 'is he a nazi' get out#of there pronto. and of course i feel stupid for still having feelings about this a year later. but i don't need to feel that way it's ok.#ok i'm tired. goodnight#personal log#back again. reread the texts i sent to my best friend immediately after that conversation like righttt i'm not crazy that WAS mean. thank#you melanie from a year ago!
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hi everypony i know we all love dunking on colonizers and this is a good thing but if you could all not be like "They™ are all like this" that would be great. do not be obtuse and ask me who They™ refers to. you know exactly what i am saying.
#truly its like you all get out of work and go “time to slander people who have nothing to do with [horrible event]”#its actually wild and makes me want to never come on here
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Posts about bpd need to stop being so damn relatable to me 🤨
#listen im not saying i must have bpd cuz of a bunch of relatable tumblr posts dont clutch your pearls on me#but hm im starting to get suspicious ajsjk#just been spending these past few months really digging into my deeply repressed memories and emotions and i keep discovering more and more#fucked up shit lol like first its being forced to acknowledge that i have a bit more than some ‘minor trauma’#and that ive actually just been like horribly abused like. my entire life and still am 😟#then it was like really trying to think about myself and what ive done to cope with abuse and like ive constructed an entire person#to just live as whenever im in the abusive situations and when i was removed from the situation for the first time ever#i had like a huge crash a huge crisis i both functioned way better than everyone said i would like suspiciously better#but also way worse at the same time#i could handle all the responsibilities of living alone i never once felt scared or homesick i was clean i was efficient i used money wisely#but i also felt like i was dying and i couldnt function when my persona dropped#cuz i didnt need to be that person anymore i could finally be me but then like. who even is me ive never gotten to find out#i dont know basic ways to behave i still have no clue how to exist or what i truly want vs what i pretended to want#its all completely muddled and its hard to explain that i cant tell whats genuine with me and whats fake#cuz ive been forced to live the fake shit my entire life you know? ive had to and i had to accept it#ive never gotten to make any of my own actual decisions and at the same time i have to decide everything for everyone else#im the parent of my parents but never was the child and the child is still there asking for attention but no one is there#then you know i had to return to the abuse and so its like i did get to taste freedom but not for long and i spent all my time in that#crisis mode so it wasnt exactly a fun filled time but being back here is much worse than before cuz now i know whats happening#and how i have to perform and its like how do i discover anything about myself in this kinda environment and no one understands the turmoil#the reason why something simple like wearing different shoes is so impossible for me#its just a horrible environment to be in i am in hell constantly ive no clue whats happening and im very obsessive over everything#aaaaghhhhhhh help girl help lol
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unbelievable depression hit bc my roommate is coming back after a long weekend away and god I just need her to move out already
#for context: an old friend moved to my city and we've been keeping her rent the spare room for the past 6 months#i thought she was moving here to hang out with me but she's been blowing me off for one night stands and guys she doesn't even like#like truly a fuckboy. but in a girl way if that makes sense#anyway I've just been feeling like the backup plan this whole time and it drives me more insane by the minute. i need her out#and like telling her doesn't mean anything. i don't want her to hang out w me out of pity or bc i said something#bc then it won't seem like she genuinely wants to#I'll probably just make a snarky comment about it or something. it's what I'm best at#also did i mention she isn't even staying in my city? but moving somewhere entirely different? sorry being around me is so horrible 🙄#(ok it's bc rent is high here but still. like she just moved here for 6 months for cheap rent and is fucking off. great. cool.)#waste of my goddamn time. ugh
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#rewatching the chester tribute concert because well its tradition and i love hurting myself#some of the worst moments for me personally even after 5 years:#mike fighting for his life trying to get thru roads unravelled especially the last section#mike harmonising with the clip of chester during new divide knowing itll be the last time#the entirety of numb with the fucking empty mic stand#mike fighting for his life trying to get thru the beginning of leave out all the rest#mike introducing/playing looking for an answer. IS THERE SUNSHINE WHERE U ARE THE WAY THERE WAS WHEN U WHERE HERE#i am in fact not fine!#also listened thru the whole post traumatic album for the first time since it dropped again and like. painpainpainpainnnnnnn#on a lighter note mgk was not horrible on papercut which is surprising to me every time i watch it#oli on crawling was muwah idc what anyone says he did fantastic TO ME#taka crushing somewhere i belong!!!! my best friend taka!!!!!#but this whole thing just showing how good chester truly was cause no one came even close at all#ANYWAYS. just had to type that out lol#linkin park
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folks i have put in the legwork to try to understand the jgy apologist side of the fandom since that seems to be So Many People... I thought that maybe the tv show elevated his crimes to make it a more black and white villain situation but then I read what he does in the novels and it is WAY WORSE... i literally feel like it's 2012 and people are writing loki-style apologism for "his childhood was very sad (extremely true it was horrible) and that's why the crimes are okay (the crimes are so so many murders and SA because his feelings and desires are more important than People's Lives)"
#like it is truly SO SO SO MUCH murder and SA and betrayal. SO MUCH of that. like hes. squarely evil. am i MISSING SOMETHING#like the way he kills/SAs his admittedly horrible father ALONE would put him squarely in. This Guy Is Genuinely Evil territory#i literally feel like there has to be information i am missing because that alone (and then having the 25 sex workers killed immediately)#puts him in like?? This Is A Vicious Villain territory to me??? but it doesn't seem like people like him for Hes A Villain... it feels like#EXTREMELY loki 2012 did nothing wrong vibes. loki was 100% trying to do a genocide in the first thor movie#i dont CAAAre how sad his backstory is. it is genuinely tragic and also he doesn't get to murder whoever he feels like because of it#i literally am doing the legwork to try to figure out wtf people are talking about but I feel like every single argument I can trump with#playing the he orchestrates Mass Murder/SA card??????????#plus like. hes been killing people he doesn't like From The Beginning#that guard who was tormenting him was terrible. and yet he DOES murder him in cold blood and try to frame a different mass murderer for it#IDK i just feel like IM the crazy one here because theres SO many fans of his and I just do not get it AT ALL#i DO love villains I get it!! but that is not the flavor of discourse ive seen about this guy. ANYWAYYYYYY
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